Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Episode 82 is a special request. That's right, the authour asked us to do this. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. The Magical Fairy Princess Trilogy is copyright Peter Barnard ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A cardboard box sits by the bench, with the tattered remains of a plastic Christmas tree and pieces of tinsel sticking out.] [Rick and Rebecca enter] Rick: Okay, how about the Inedible Bulk? Rebecca: Naaah... I think being inedible is just too much of a limited power. Even for the characters in your book. Rick: You're right. [Pause] You know, we really should do something about that Christmas tree. Rebecca: Whatever. But that's still not solving the problem. [Dan and Tsuneo enter] Dan: Hey there. Rick: Maybe we should get away from the stupid powers for a bit. Dan: Hello? Rebecca: Yeah, you're right. Maybe you could do something credible for a change. Dan: Hello? Guys? Rick: Nah, I want him to fit in. Dan: LISTEN TO ME! Rebecca: Hey, Dan. No need to shout. Dan: ... Tsuneo: I hate to ask, but what are you two on about? Rebecca: Well, Rick's comic has hit a small snag. He's run out of new character ideas. Rick: And upstairs is suggesting we make "changes." Tsuneo: In other words, introduce some new guy who nobody likes that'll vanish in six months? Rick: Bingo, but they want it done anyway. Dan: Tough break. So how's it going? Rick: Terrible. I've got absolutely no ideas whatsoever. Rebecca: Normally that isn't much of an impediment, but this is a special case. Dan: Well how about we help you out? Rick: Well it can't be any worse than what I've got so far. Dan: Well, all we've got to do is think of some silly origin story and work it from there. Rebecca: Okay, let's hear it. Dan: Well how about some kind of magician. Rick: I'm sensing a distinct lack of originality here. Besides which, we've already got one. Dan: Yeah, but this guy's a member of a really ancient order. And he can't do the usual zaps and stuff, but he can do weird spells. Rebecca: Like what? Dan: You know, weird stuff. Grow spare limbs, cling to walls, summon cheese sandwiches. That kind of thing. Rick: Ah... Interesting. Rebecca: How about this guy. A man builds a battlesuit in his garden shed out of common household materials. Next thing you know, DIY Man! Dan: You could call him Tim the Tool Man. Tsuneo: Sounds too much like Iron man. Rebecca: True. Dan: Or Steel. Rebecca: Okay, point. Rick: Okay, fine. Drop him. What have you got, Tsuneo? Tsuneo: Well, why not just go with the basics? Have some kind of mutant with, say, speed powers. Dan: Yeah. He comes from a long line of mutant speedsters. Rebecca: And they've all got an "X" in their name, right? Face it, mutants are too hackneyed. Dan: Then how about the good old mutating liquid? Rick: well, there's always the problem of where it comes from. Dan: Ah, but I've got the solution already. You see, he was just a normal UN weapons inspector, but one day he fell into a vat of "baby milk" and became this hulking huge guy! Rebecca: What do we call him, Baby Milk Man? Dan: Well he doesn't have to be a big guy. What if he's a nerd? I know! A college student brews up something that turns him into a wierd green martial artist. How's that? Rick: Really, really stupid. Dan: Well okay. How about a sorcerer of some kind? You know, a bad guy. And he's not from our world. Heck, he's not even from our universe. Rebecca: You mean he's the Evil Guy from Another Dimension? [Pause] Rick: This is futile. Tsuneo: I couldn't agree more. Rebecca: So do you have anything to contribute? Tsuneo: Only our latest round of fanmail. [They all cluster around the computer] Tsuneo: Our first one is from Tristan Beaulieu on DELTA 9. > KICK ASS! -Tom > It's the latest installment of Delta Invasion! Can you > hear the crowds cheering?! *crickets* > Rei... drinks... beer... and eats meat..... > ::falls over:: > More wrestlingese than ever before! Dan: Hey, don't blame us this time. > What is with John!? I still can't figure him out! If > he's so special, why the hell isn't he boinking Rei, > Ritsuko, Asuka, Shinji, Gendo, Misato, Pen-Pen, Tom, > Unit-00/01/02/03/04(Floating Island!) or whomever? And > now he's got two Charles who are more flat than John > ever could hope for. They're not even special... > *sniffle* Rebecca: John is special, he just has no personality. > > He rushed back on one of the Invadors, raised his AT Field and pierced through > > it. Rei blew one of the monster's head away with its machine gun. > Um, I know this might seem picky, but guns wouldn't > fire in space, as they require oxygen to ignite their > gunpowder. But then again, why the hell am I being so > picky when it seems there's gravity in spacecraft, > Asuka is a happy-go-lucky prozac child, Unit 03 is > perfectly okay (whaddabout Toji? he WAS the designated > pilot of Unit-03), 14 year olds regularly join the US > armed forces, and Rei drinks beer, eats meat, and has > the emotions of Snagglepuss? Rick: The kid's got a point there. Tsuneo: Depends on the kind of gun. I still want to know what a "nuclear based cannon" is meant to be. > God damned StarWars.... Ruined every idjiot's idea of > space travel. > Me personally, I'm waiting for Tom to go have a > foursome between himself, Asuka, Rei, and Misato... It > seems likely. Especially since the planet D.E.L.T.A. > (airlines?) was blown to smithereens -_-. Does that > mean we're going to see HUGE amounts of KICK ASS > action? Dan: I'm scared to think of what's left in the remaining three chapters. > Ah well, I'm done now.. > Have fun, keep up good work, and read Evaless for the > fact that the three people I've had read it, caused to > break down and babble incoherently (seriously, they > started to show patterns of mental breakdown o_O)... Rebecca: We did, actually. Does that authour actually have any ideas of his own? Tsuneo: And thank you Tristan. Dan: Don't worry, there isn't much Delta Invasion left. Tsuneo: That's reassuring. The next one's from Meagan. > Oh, look... more comments have piled up. > >> "No, it's not..." > >> "Then who?" > > > >Rick: As if you couldn't guess. > >Dan: [Shinji] That new kid, Tom! > >Rebecca: Gah! > >Dan: Heh, heh... Got her. > ::Does cheerleading thing:: GO DAN, GO! Dan: I've got a fan! Woo-hoo! Rebecca: Treasure it. > >>"Well, we made something, we have a ring, > [Kensuke] And we need someone to take it to a volcano... sorry, wrong > show. Tsuneo: Very cute. > >Rebecca: If you people keep talking Moon Crap, somebody gets a > >broken arm. > >Dan & Nemian: We'll be good! > ::in a lotus position, muttering to herself:: I must not hate her. > Hating is stupid. Hating people is even more stupid. Hating people > for their taste is very stupid. Hating fictional people for any > reason whatsoever is just plain moronic. ::sits back next to her > computer:: okay, reading on now. > >Dan: [Akuma] Honey I'm home! > >Rebecca: There you are! Where have you been? Were you out chasing > >those Dragon Balls? I *told* you not to! > >Dan: [Akuma] Yes, dear... > >Rebecca: Just look at your evil black outfit! It's all crumpled > >and messy! You've been fighting again, haven't you? > >Dan: [Akuma] Yes, dear... > >Rebecca: It was those lousy Tibetan mMonks again, wasn't it? > >Rick: Remember kids, the only thing scarier than an evil, maniacal > >psychotic monster is his wife. > Note that there is no bracketed name after 'Rebbeca:'. Hence, she is > speaking as herself. Also note how very unsurprising this is. [Everyone except Rebecca sniggers] > Oh, and here's what I came up with on the DELTA generator: > At Misato's apartment, Tom and his homies are doing stuff. Dan: Stuff? Rick: You know, just stuff. > John, > Charles and another random EVA avatar discuss the past and how you > can exe-cushion someone to death. Meanwhile, at NERV, the Elmer > Studios guys and Makoto are discussing what James Bond would do > in their situation. Tom and the gang go out to get drunk when > suddenly the Invador Alert sounds! Four and a half Invadors will > arrive in 180+15 minutes so the Children arrive in bunny suits. Nerv > deploys some EVAs. Tom immediately seeks out the most powerful > Invador which has the body of a horse, the head of a hammer, the > arms of Bill Gates, the legs of Lara Croft and a device that goes > PING. The Invador attacks Tom with its random Sailor Moon magic > item. Tom is almost defeated but then he eats Mentos and destroys > the Invador by making it act OOC. Then he goes and rescues Asuka. > After the battle, the kids hang out at Ukyo's where they discuss how > hard the battle was and the random crossovers they were subjected > to. At NERV, Ritsuko discovers that Rei is actually Sailor Saturn. > Next week: Shinji says "Damn straight!". Rick: I dunno, that looks a bit too credible for Delta. > And of course, > ::waves banner saying STOP DAN ABUSE:: Dan: Hear hear! Rebecca: I'm not allowed to have any fun. Tsuneo: Tough luck. Thanks again to Meagan. Dan: Shall I do a plug for the official Dan fan club now? Tsuneo: I'm not going to grace that with a response. However, we've got another snippet, from Mark Foster on Delta 10. > Couldn't pass this up. > >> Tom ran to the other one and dodged a buller > >Tsuneo: Dodged a bullet? Shyah, right. > Tom IS Keanu. Whoooaaaaaa! Rick: And his Dialogue's almost as good. Tsuneo: I'll have to believe you, Mark. and our last one is a word from Mike Surbrook on ShinAkuma vs. Vegeta. > Heh > Thanks guys. All: You're welcome! Voice: Actually, if you've got any other fics you were going to MST just lying around... Rick: No! Shut up! Rebecca: Gee, thanks a heap, skull. Voice: Good to see you're all here on time. Dan: Do we get a bonus for good behavior? Voice: When I see some, I'll let you know. Rick: So what is it today? Voice: Actually, this one was a special request from a fan who asked us to review it. Tsuneo: Oh dear. [They sit - Tsuneo and Rebecca facing the TV, Dan and Rick on the sideways couch.] > MAGICAL FAIRY PRINCESS AYANAMI By PETER BARNARD Tsuneo: If this is anything like "Apathetic Drama Queen Rei," I'm leaving. Rick: Why does Rei get the starring role in these sorts of stories? Dan: Yeah, I'd much rather see Misato in a really short skirt. > Part One of the Magical Fairy Princess Trilogy Rebecca: Oh, dear. Rick: Actually, it's part four. Part one isn't due out until 2017. > Special Thanks to: Naoko Takeuchi, Hideaki Anno, Helen McCarthy and Scott K > Jamison Dan: [Authour] While I'm at it, I'd also like to thank a guy I know named Bob. > All characters are likenesses of characters owned by Gainax***** Tsuneo: Likenesses only. Any other similarities are purely coincidental. Dan: I'm not complaining. > Rei Ayanami stared out of her window at the night. Rick: [Rei] Let's see, what's my plan for tomorrow? Stare off into space. Stare off into space some more. Take off my clothes in front of the camera for no discernable reason. Stare off into space again. > Her mind was troubled by the emptiness of her life. Tsuneo: So this is the Igmar Bergan/Evangelion crossover, is it? Dan: That and she was trying to count the stars. > School was deeply uninteresting Rebecca: Tell us about it. > and she had no > friends to speak of. She sighed heavily and stopped watching the car > headlights on the street below Rick: Her life is just fascinating. > in favour of staring up at the stars above. Dan: Is that Mir I can see? Rebecca: 2015 and it's still up there. > Did that star just move? Tsuneo: Not if it was Schwarzenegger. > Rei had noticed something out of the corner of her > eye and turned to look at it, Rebecca: It was this little green critter with two tails... > but when she looked directly at it, everthing was still. Rick: The animation budget has suffered again. > There! Something moved again! Tsuneo: Not the plot. > This time she fixed her gaze away > from the movement, and just in her field of vision, she noticed a star > moving. Rebecca: Here comes the plot contrivance comet. > It was almost stationary, but the tiny movements were just noticable. Rick: It is Schwarzenegger! > The star seemed to be growing. Dan: I thought we'd been through enough "Earth gets hit by a meteor" movies already. > Suddenly there was a flash of light against the > glass of the window Rebecca: No, Tinkerbell! Pull up, pull, nooo! > and Rei fell off her chair, shielding her face. Rick: [Rei] Not in the face, not in the face! > The brightness of the light seared her eyes and made them water. It was some > time before her eyesight readjusted. When she could see again, she > discovered a glow coming from inside her room. Rick: Oh, so that's where those uranium isotopes got to. > Turing to look, she was > surprised to see a small person perched on top of her television Dan: Along with the dust. Tsuneo: [Small person] Do you ever clean this place up? Rebecca: [Rei] No. [Pause] Tsuneo: [Small person] Oh. > surrounded by a faint halo of light. Dan: [Small person] I love my dramatic backlighting. > Looking closer it appeared to be male. He was > wearing some sort of dark uniform, and had angelic feathery wings folded > across his back. He also had white gloved hands that were held clasped in > front of his mouth, as if praying. Tsuneo: [Gendo] Yes, this situation is as irretrievably stupid as you think. > "Greetings Rei Ayamani," it spoke in a gravelly voice. > "Who are you?" asked Rei in a quiet voice. Rick: [Gendo] I am your father. Or your husband. It's kind of confusing. Rebecca: [Gendo] I am the terror that flaps in the night. > "You can call me Gendo-chan if you must." Tsuneo: [Gendo] But it will cause great suffering to the readers. > "Hello Gendo-chan." Rick: I can't believe you could say that with a straight face. > "I have a task for you. The Enemy has awoken from it's slumber and has > returned to enslave humanity. Dan: That's right, it's the Generic Fanfic Evil, coming from the Generic Fanfic Backstory to enslave the Generic Fanfic World. Rick: And it won on Super Tuesday. > It is your responsibility to stop it." Rebecca: [Rei] Why? Dan: [Gendo] Because. Rebecca: [Rei] Seriously. Dan: [Gendo] Do you see any other magical girls around here? Rebecca: [Rei] Well, there's the one with the leather jacket and Doc Martens... Tsuneo: Let's not go there. > There was a pause of exactly one minute and thirty-nine seconds. Dan: When you're Rei, you notice these things. > "I understand," Rei deadpanned. Tsuneo: Am I alone in thinking that an explanation would be useful about now? Rebecca: Yes. > "Take this," commanded Gendo-chan, handing Rei a slim pendant. "It will give > you the powers you need to defeat The Enemy's minions, and will allow you to > transform into Magical Fairy Princess Ayanami." Dan: Let me guess, she's the reincarnation of the long-dead fairy princess, right? Rick: Nope. Dan: so she's the mystic fairy princess as foretold by ancient prophecy, right? Rick: Nope. Dan: So she was chosen because of a destiny portained when she was a young girl, right? Rick: Nope. Dan: So why the hell is it Rei? Rick: Gendo wants to see her in a really short skirt. > "Explain," said Rei in that creepy low voice we all love. Tsuneo: Please. > "Simply hold the pendant and cry out 'Oh Fairy Queen bring forth the Neon > Genesis' and you will transform. Try it." Rick: Let's not and say we didn't. > Rei stood in the centre of the room and held the pendant in both hands. > Closing her eyes she spoke softly: "Oh Fairy Queen bring forth the Neon > Genesis." Rebecca: Only Rei could deadpan an activation phrase. > Suddenly there was a bright explosion of every colour known to man. Rick: Even puce. Dan: Are they in a disco or something? > A swirling hurricane of cherry blossom erupted from the floor Rebecca: [Rei] Do you know how hard that is going to be to clean up afterwards? > around her and stripped away the clothing from her body Dan: Ooh... Rick: Told you. Tsuneo: [Rei] This is going to end up costing me a fortune. > in shredded ribbons as she pirouetted inches above the ground. Rebecca: [Rei] I knew all those ballet lessons would pay off. > There was a second explosion of colour Rick: The Mystery Machine? > and there in the centre of the room stood Magical Fairy Princess Ayamani. Rick: With Fan Service action and Gendo-Chan accessory. Posability not included. > Rei was dressed in a pristine white sailor suit. Rebecca: Say, why is it that the uniform of all Magical Girls everywhere is a variation of a Japanese schoolgirl's uniform? Why not something a little more practical? Or at the very least with a longer skirt? > The skirt, knee length > socks and puffed sleeves were trimmed with powder blue satin ribbon and > delicate white lace, and in her hand she held a silver, two-pronged, spear > that was as tall as she was. Tsuneo: Shouldn't it be red? Dan: Ssh. > "I see," said Rei.***** Rebecca: [Rei] how do I get out of this stupid outfit? > Across Tokyo a young woman in a suit was running for the Shinjuku train. As > she reached the platform, the doors hissed shut and the train pulled away. Tsuneo: It moved a few meters down the track and promptly broke down. Good old State Rail. > She cursed under her breath, glaring at the now empty tracks. She was so > angry she didn't notice the woman appear behind her in swirl of fast food > wrappers. Rick: I know littering's a problem, but this is ridiculous. Dan: She'd be in real trouble if she ever went to Singapore. > "Hey Maya, missed your train?" Rebecca: [Maya] No, I didn't like the look of it so I chased it away. > asked the newcomer in a syrupy voice. > The young woman in the suit, Maya, turned to see a long-legged, > large-breasted woman in a tiny black dress. Tsuneo: [Sarcastic] If I didn't know better, I'd think that was Misato. > Her long black hair looked wind-blown. > "How do you know my name?" Dan: [Misato] You've got this little badge saying "Hi! My name is Maya!" > "Hey don't worry about it. Have a beer. It'll make you feel better." This > was accompanied by a large friendly smile. Rick: Hmm, is this ringing anyone's alarm bells? Rebecca: What kind of idiot would fall for a large-breasted stranger approaching them and offering free beer? Apart form you, Dan. > Maya took the beer cautiously. > "Hey don't be shy. You'll feel much better. Tsuneo: [Misato] There's nothing wrong with it! This isn't sinister at all! It's in no way part of an evil plot, no siree! Rebecca: [Maya] But we've only just met. > Anyway, another train will be along soon," coaxed the newcomer. Tsuneo: Unless of course it breaks down, catches on fire, gets shunted to another station, gets halted mid-journey and dismantled, gets blown up by the space aliens, hits a bus, no-one's bulldozed the tracks in the interim or it just plain doesn't show. Rick: Transport Tycoon? Tsuneo: State rail. > "Yeah! What the hell," reasoned Maya opening the can and taking a sip. Dan: [Maya] So what if I turn up for work disheveled and drunk? I'm gonna live for a change! Rick: Maya, you're fired. Dan: [Maya] D'oh! > She > took another, and another, then started to guzzle. She wiped her mouth and > belched loudly. Rebecca: Charming. How nice. > "You know what? I do feel bet..." > "Sucker!" said the newcomer in a particularly nasty voice, and vanished in a > tiny tornado of rubbish. Rick: Will someone pick that up? > Maya had frozen in mid-sentence. Then her arms twitched. Tsuneo: Oh, it's a good one is it? Dan: [Maya] Pardon. > Without warning her arms and legs spasmed and bent the wrong way. Rick: It's the latest dance sensation! > She let out a strangled scream > that was cut short by her limbs stretching and twisting. As Maya screamed > soundlessly, her arms and legs continued to get longer and longer. Rebecca: On the upside, people are going to stop asking for ID to get into bars. > Suddenly she erupted through the roof of the subway, Dan: [Maya] I'm going to have such a headache in the morning. > raining concrete and > steel onto passers by. Salarymen and office ladies raised their arms, and > voices, and rushed around in a confused mess. Rick: Rubber monsters attack Tokyo! Citizens flee in badly-dubbed terror! > When the dust cleared, Maya > was nowhere to be seen but in her place was a giant green humanoid with a > tiny white face and two black-hole eyes. Tsuneo: Poor Sachiel. Here he goes again. > It raised its fists to the sky and > bellowed. Then it stomped off towards the Tokyo Tower. Rebecca: [Sachiel] Right, I'm off to do some property damage. Cardboard buildings, here I come! > ***** > Back at Rei's house there was a tiny ringing noise. Tsuneo: [Rei] Is the noise in my head bothering you? > Gendo-chan reached out of sight and produced a tiny telephone. Dan: There's something intrinsically wrong with this, but I can't think what. > "I see... Yes fifteen years... Yes I have her here... Very well. Keep me > informed." Rick: [Gendo] Size nine. > Gendo-chan replaced the handset and sighed deeply. He raised his gaze and > turned to Rei. Rebecca: [Gendo] Big monster squish Tokyo, you stop. Comprende? Dan: [Rei] One question. Rebecca: [Gendo] Yes? Dan: [Rei] Where did the phone come from? > "The Enemy has struck at the Tokyo Tower. Rick: What a surprise. Tsuneo: It's always the first place to go. > It's up to you to stop it.""Yes." > Rei opened the window and gazed up at the stars. She took a deep breath and > flew up into the heavens, Gendo-chan in tow. Dan: You know, flying behind her has got to be the best place to be right now. Rebecca: [Gendo] Uh, Rei? the other way. Rick: [Rei] What do I look like, a tourist? > ***** > The green beast that had been Maya was pulling the top off the Tokyo Tower Dan: [Sachiel] Yummy! > off when Magical Fairy Princess Ayamani arrived. Tsuneo: [Rei] I would have been here earlier, but my train exploded. Damn State Rail. > Hovering in the air she spoke softly: "Stop!" Dan: [Sachiel] Make me! Rebecca: [Rei] I had hoped it wouldn't come to this. Tsuneo: Okay, now what? Rick: [Rei] Hello, my name is Rei and this is my distraction. The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sunshine and dried up all the rain, so the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the spout again. Not in the face! > Amazingly the beast heard her and turned to face the floating Fairy > Princess. Rick: [Sachiel] Huh? Little squishy thing! > "Stop now," spoke Ayanami, gesticulating wildly. Rebecca: That sounds dirty, but I can't think why. > "Or in the name of the Fairy Queen I will punish you!" Rick: [Rei] Do I really have to say these lines? Tsuneo: [Gendo] Yes, it's in your contract. Rick: [Rei] I want my release. Tsuneo: [Gendo] We lose more magical girls that way. > The beast appeared to laugh then held its palm towards her. Instantly a > stream of brown foamy liquid shot out towards her. Dan: It's attacking her with a stream of beer. [Pause] What a waste! > Ayanami was too slow and > the stream of beer hit her full on. She was carried passively through the > air in slow motion, Tsuneo: How exactly is one carried passively? Rick: Um, if you carry the guy who's meant to carry you? > and crashed through the glass window of an office > building coming to rest in a tangle of desks and paperwork. Dan: And really lucky office workers. > Gendo chan swooped down to see her. She had small cuts across her arms and a > pitiful look on her face. Rebecca: [Rei] I told you I needed a better uniform. > "Ayanami. Report. Are you alive?" Rick: [Rei] You call this living? Dan: [Rei] Would it make any difference if I said no? > "I am...alive," reported Ayanami slowly picking herself up. Tsuneo: How the rest of the Argentinean soccer team feels is another matter. > "Good!" said Gendo-chan, no emotion in his voice "Continue the fight." Rebecca: Wow! That's perfectly in character while being in a totally preposterous situation. > Rei returned to the air and flew around the beast looking for a weak point > to exploit. Dan: Try the big red button on its exposed underbelly. > The beast flailed its arms at her, destroying property but > missing the agile Fairy Princess by inches. Tsuneo: This fight scene is absolutely thrilling. > Suddenly Rei paused in flight > and made a small surprised sound. She had found the point. Tsuneo: I'm looking for one, myself. > Gendo-chan smiled to himself. Rick: [Gendo] Best part is, I can sell the footage for a fortune. > The beast raised its palm to fire again, but this time Ayanami swooped > gracefully around the blast. Dan: No! Someone save that booze, it's going to waste! > Coming around for the attack she couched the > Fairy Spear tight to her body like a lance. She seemed to hang there for an > eternity, Rebecca: And got swatted out of the sky. Rick: [Rei] In retrospect, I should have planned that better. > then flew straight at the monster's face. > The impact jarred her arms, and the unhurt monster backhanded her across the > street. Rick: [Rei] Whoops. Guess I was wrong about that weak spot. > She bounced several times and ended up at the foot of a streetlight. Rebecca: [Rei, dazed] Taxi! > Hurt, bleeding and bruised she struggled to get to her feet but failed. The > monster moved to straddle the street and positioned its palm for the beery > coup de grace. Tsuneo: I seriously doubt that a stream of beer could be an effective weapon anyway. Dan: Oh yeah? Think about how she'll feel in the morning. > Rei gave a small defiant cry, "No!" Rick: What are you going to do, cry about it? Rebecca: [Sachiel] Gee, I hope no ubiquitous and strangely omnipotent masked hero shows up and saves her at the last minute. > As if from nowhere there was a guitar chord, and a fish flew through the > night and impaled itself in the pavement between the monster and Ayanami. Dan: ... Tsuneo: ... Rick: ... Rebecca: ... Rick: That's one mighty sharp fish. > Both looked up to see where it came from and were surprised to see a penguin > in a top hat and domino mask standing on top of a flagpole. All: ... Tsuneo: Lame! Lame! Lame! And pretty obvious, too. Rebecca: I think it's cool. Dan: That makes a grand total of one person. > "Skwarrk! Skwaaaaark skwark! Skwark!" it skwarked. Rick: Yeah, I thought so. Rebecca: Yeah, but where's she going to get a power saw and a Rabbi at this time of night? > Ayamani and the monster looked puzzled. Tsuneo: You've lost me. > "Tuxedo Pen-Pen says throw the Fairy Spear at it," translated Gendo-chan. Dan: If that wasn't the obvious thing to do. > Bolstered by the moral support, Ayanami stood up, ignoring her terrible > wounds. Rick: [Rei] Good thing the GM didn't use those optional "impairing wounds" rules. > Setting her feet she held the spear two-handed above her head. Rick: BANGOO! Rebecca: Nice and obscure, there. > A faint glow appeared around her. Dan: OOOOOHHHHH! > Her brow furrowed with concentration and she > switched to a one handed stance. Tsuneo: So she's standing on one hand? Rebecca: [Rei] Spear-throwing like this isn't as easy as it looks. > As she gritted her teeth and started the > throw, the Fairy Spear's twin heads shifted position and became closer and > more angular. Then, with all her might, she threw. Rick: And missed. Whoops. > As the monster slowly started to reach for the lone heroine, Tsuneo: It takes ages to do anything in this fic. > the spear pierced its chest. Rick: Is that a sucking chest wound? > Time stood still. In the blink of an eye, the beast shape > flickered then became a red blur, then vanished, Tsuneo: There goes Sachiel again. Dan: [Sachiel] You get used to it after a while. > leaving a stunned, and slightly beer stained, Maya on the ground. Rebecca: [Maya] And my suit was brand new. > Magical Fairy Princess Ayanami > gently floated across to inspect the body. > "You'll live," she said without emotion, then flew off into the night.***** Rick: [Maya] Gee, thanks so much for your concern. You could call an ambulance or something! > In a darkened bar the evil woman who had transformed Maya sat crying into > her beer. Tsuneo: So the lair of The Ancient Enemy is a seedy bar? What kind of cut price magical girl story is this anyway? > "Its not fair," she sniffed. "Just when I get a mission that little bitch > shows up. What the hell is she anyway?" Tsuneo: An angel/human hybrid, cloned from the DNA of Yui Ikari but that's not important right now. > Behind her, at a table, a blonde woman with a mole beneath her left eye > turned to her companion, a good looking man with brown unkempt hair, Rebecca: Hey Dan, it's you! No wait, he's described as good-looking. Rick: Obviously he's on his coffee break. > and > whispered: "Poor Misato. Trust her to get a vigilante on her first > assignment." Tsuneo: Poor Ancient Enemy. Can't move these days for all the magical girls. > The man just smiled and continued his unwanted advances.***** Rebecca: [Kaji] Hey, you want to see my magical staff? > Back at Rei's house Gendo-chan was showering the new heroine with praise. Rick: Gendo? Dan: [Gendo] You did a job. Rebecca: [Rei] Yes. > "Good work," he said neutrally."Thank you," she replied almost managing a > smile Tsuneo: The intense emotion of this scene is too much for me. > "You will be needed again," he reminded her, and then spreading his wings, > he left via the window. Rebecca: [Rei] Typical. You wear what they want, work for them, slave for them, put your life on the line for them and they just fly out on you. All minute angel-winged guys are alike! > Rei gazed whistfully at the stars once more. Dan: [Rei] Please tell me this was all a dream. > Next Time: Rei meets Magical Fairy Princess Langley! Rebecca: Oh dear. > MAGICAL FAIRY PRINCESS LANGLEY By PETER BARNARD > Part Two of the Magical Fairy Princess Trilogy > Special Thanks still to: Naoko Takeuchi, Hideaki Anno, Helen McCarthy and > Scott K Jamison > All characters are likenesses of characters owned by Gainax, except for Miz > Mishtal owned by Pioneer. All: Huh? Tsuneo: Miz? What's she doing here? > ***** > Toji Suzahara was in the school library revising studiously. Dan: Nup. No way. Nuh-huh. Rick: Right now, he was studying miss September. > The European > Social History (1945-1999) test was first thing tomorrow, and he still > couldn't remember where the European Parliament was based, or when Wales > claimed independance. Tsuneo: And if anyone noticed. > "God-damnit!" he exclaimed in frustration, throwing down the book he had > been reading. All: SSH! > The librarian wandered over and, in a stern whisper, intoned, "One more > outburst like that Mr Suzahara, and you will be removed from the library." > "I'm sorry Miss Mishtal. I'll keep my voice down I promise." > With a stern look and a snort of disbelief, she returned to filing. Dan: Okay, that's it for her. Tsuneo: That was really worthwhile. > Toji stared at his books and wondered how he was ever going to pass this > test. > "That looks hard," said the raven-haired beauty seating herself opposite > Toji. Rebecca: [Toji] It has been since you sat there. > His cheeks turned red and he was left speechless. Rick: [Toji] I think I see miss October. > "Hi. I'm Misato," said the newcomer. "You look in need of a beer." Dan: Me too. > She pulled a gold coloured can from her hand-bag and placed it in front of > Toji. > "But alcohol's not allowed on school grounds, Rick: [Toji] Not that it's ever stopped me. > and... and..." Dan: A beautiful young woman is offering you beer, Toji. Why are you arguing? > "Hey relax. I won't tell if you don't. Go on. It'll make you feel better." Rebecca: Your grades are a different matter. > Toji slowly took the can and popped the ring-pull. > "Thats the spirit. Drink up," ordered Misato taking another can from her bag > and taking a few swigs. Rick: It can't hurt you, it's only lemonade. Tsuneo: Where's that strangely omnipotent librarian while all this is goign on? Dan: She saw Kaji by the door and mistook him for her husband. > Reluctantly Toji took a few sips, then with encouraging noises from Misato, > he drank the lot. Rick: [Toji] Now, back to my shtudiesh. > "Humans are so gullible!" remarked Misato and vanished in a tiny tornado of > sweet wrappers. Tsuneo: I've got to wonder how she chooses her target. Why in the middle of a school library, rather than say, mug some poor shmoe in an alley? Rebecca: She's had a few too many evil beers herself. > Toji froze in the motion of wiping his mouth. A triangle of light appeared > on the floor caging him. Then triangular planes of light unfolded from the > floor, and formed themselves around his still form. Rick: This is taking forever. Rebecca: [Toji] Help, I'm being possessed very slowly by a demonic entity! > As the last piece slid > into place, the planes became solid and mirrored, and where once stood Toji > now stood a large reflective diamond. Dan: Has anyone noticed this yet? You know, there's a whole lot of light and funky stuff happening. > The diamond gave a shudder and started to grow. All: SSH! > It had reached Western Literarture before anyone noticed, Rick: Come on, study time can't be that good! > but panic > and screaming only started as one of the points burst through Politics and > Law on the second floor. Dan: And quite frankly, who can blame it? > The building collapsed and the Diamond floated slowly through the air > towards the Imperial Palace. Tsuneo: [Ramiel] Okay, I'm off to destroy some more recognisable landmarks. > ***** > Rei Ayanami stepped out of the shower and walked into her bedroom to fetch > some clean clothes. [Dan sits up and pants] Rebecca: Down boy! Sit! Good boy. I'll get you some more tapes of miss Hancock later. > She was surprised to see Gendo-chan perched behind her > school books. Gendo-chan took no notice of the naked, wet and now red-faced, > sight before him Rick: Oh yeah, I'll bet he didn't. > and barked out, "The Enemy is on the move again. Transform and follow me." > Rei switched into obey mode and held the pendant nestled between her > breasts. Dan: Never in my life have I so much wanted to be a magical pendant. > She hadn't removed it since Gendo-chan had given it to her. Tsuneo: Not even when she's asleep? Doesn't it get uncomfortable? > Closing > her eyes she spoke softly: "Oh Fairy Queen bring forth the Neon Genesis." > Suddenly there was a bright explosion of every colour known to man. Rebecca: Even paisley. Dan: Mmm, Paisley. > A > swirling hurricane of cherry blossom erupted from the floor around her and > stripped away the moisture from her dripping body in wispy ribbons of steam > as she pirouetted inches above the ground. There was a second explosion of > colour and there in the centre of the room stood Magical Fairy Princess > Ayamani. Rick: Thank you, mister magical copy and paste. > Rei was dressed in a pristine white sailor suit. The skirt, knee length > socks and puffed sleeves were trimmed with powder blue satin ribbon and > delicate white lace, and in her hand she held a silver, two-pronged, spear > that was as tall as she was. Tsuneo: Thank you, but we already know what it looks like. Rebecca: He's just trying to make the chapter longer. > "Come!" demanded Gendo-chan flying out of the window. Silently Rei followed. Dan: [Gendo] Sit! Beg! Good Rei. > ***** > Rei was still some distance away when she saw the Diamond. Gendo-chan saw > her hesitance and gave her a confidence boost: "It's just like the last one. Rick: Except it's got no arms, lewgs, head or weak spot. Rebecca: So it isn't liek the last one at all, huh? > You must destroy it." Tsuneo: Can't we all just get along peacefully instead? > "I understand," said Rei and flew off to intercept it. > Flailing her arms about in strange poses she demanded in a whisper, "Stop > beast, or in the name of the Fairy Queen I will punish you." Rick: [Ramiel] Could you speak up? I can't here a word you're saying! > The Diamond ignored her and continued on its flight path. Dan: I'm noticing a distinct lack of response here. Rebecca: [Rei] So you think you can ignore me? [Pause] Well, apparently you can ignore me. > "Very well," mouthed Rei and held her spear like a lance. She flew some > distance above the Diamond and then dropped like a dive-bomber at her > target. [They all make loud airplane noises] > Two metres from her target, she rebounded off a series of concentric > hexagons of light that blocked her way and then vanished. Rick: Maybe you should try throwing it like last time. > "It's protected by a field. Try another approach vector!" ordered > Gendo-chan. > Rei took flew up above the Diamond looking for an opening. As if on cue a > small black hole appeared on one of the upper planes. As Rei watched, > deciding on the strategic importance of this, a golden cylinder was fired > from the hole. Tsuneo: Don't tell me, now it's firing beer cans? Rebecca: What is this fic's obsession with beer, anyway? > Unprepared, Rei was hit full on. She was winded, her eyes > were streaming and she flew backwards, coming to rest in a communications > array atop a skyscraper. Dan: [Rei] This is really beginning to annoy me. > "Don't give up Ayanami!" commanded her cold mentor. > Bruised but not damaged Tsuneo: Bruised is damaged. Dan: If you work in a supermarket, bruised means "organic." Rick: I think the word you're looking for is "injured." > Rei fought her way out of the debris, and attempted > a lower approach to avoid the hole. As she swooped in, another hole opened > on a lower plane. Rick: Heck? Is Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light going to show up? > Prepared, Rei skillfully avoided the golden projectile. > She was not expecting the second missile. Caught by surprise she managed to > avoid the full force of the blow, but the impact of being clipped sent her > on a spiral course to the ground. Rebecca: [Rei] I'm really beginning to hate the taste of concrete. > When Rei recovered her senses she noticed that her skirt and right sleeve > were torn, and that her left thigh was severely grazed. Her left sock was > already soaking up the blood, Tsuneo: Do you know how hard that'll be to get out in the wash? > and her ankle was twisted at an unlikely angle. Rebecca: [Rei] Let's see... Torn clothes, grazed leg, mostly fine... except for my twisted ankle, that is. > Her will to live was rapidly evaporating Dan: So has she been reading Delta Invasion as well? > and the Diamond must have > sensed this, as it stopped. Turning to aim a point at Rei, it started to > extend a glinting spike. Rebecca: This is some imagery I could live without. > As it raced towards the prone Magical Fairy > Princess, Gendo-chan recognised it as a drill bit. "Get out of there Rei!" > he cried, abandoning his cool exterior. Rei turned to see the shining point, > but found herself unable to move. She closed her eyes and prepared herself > for the death blow. Dan: That was a short career as a magical heroine. Hope you can find another one. Rebecca: Don't worry, he's got a whole tank full of them back home. Tsuneo: No, here Rei's just a "normal" girl. [They all break out laughing] > There was a sudden guitar chord, and a small white object flew from the > shadows. It shattered the drill protrusion and as it impaled itself in the > pavement by Rei, she opened her eyes to see it was a fish skeleton! Rick: He got hungry on the way here. > Looking up she saw an evening-suited penguin in a mask and top-hat. "Tuxedo > Pen-Pen," she whispered, overjoyed. Dan: Yeah, she really sounds it. Tsuneo: She's as thrilled to see him as we are. [Rick holds up a small "Go Tuxedo Pen-Pen" sign] Tsuneo: Traitor. > "Skwaaark! Skwark skwark! Skwaaaaarrrrk!" it skwarked wittily. Dan: Oh yes, very droll. Rebecca: That penguin cracks me up. Tsuneo: Mentally, that is. > The Diamond looked at the newcomer blank-faced, Rick: well maybe if it had a face. > then extended another drill > bit at high speed towards the masked bird. Tuxedo Pen-Pen parried the blow > with his cane, and the pair started a very strange looking duel. Rebecca: This scene is very Freudian. > Making use of the distraction, Gendo-chan Dan: Booked a flight to Brazil. I would. > confronted Rei. "Can you fight > on?" he asked. Rei tried to move, but it only sent dagger of pain through > her leg. "I can fight on," she lied. Rick: Very convincing. > "This is unexpected," mused Gendo-chan. Without thinking he retrieved his > telephone Dan: I still want to know where he's keeping that thing. > and dialed a number. When it was answered he spoke, Tsuneo: Never mind that, I want to know who's on the other end. Rebecca: I'm guessing Fuyutski myself. Rick: [Fuyutski] Typical. When I do get lines, I'm not actually seen. > "The first child is inoperable, Dan: Have you tried changing the batteries? It sometimes works. > do we a have a second? I see... Where is she? ... No, > I'll go myself." Turning to Rei he commanded, "Stay here. Tsuneo: Right in the line of fire. > I will return with assistance." And then he flew off into the heavens. Rick: [Rei] While you're there, could you get me an ice cream? I'm kind of peckish. > ***** > In a gloomily lit bar, three figures were watching the unfolding events on a > television screen. Rick: In a well lit apartment, four figures were watching the unfolding tragedy on a television screen. > "Yes!" screamed Misato. Rebecca: [Kaji] Was that good for you, nummy muffin? > "Hah! That'll show her. I'm gonna complete this > mission for sure. Kill that stupid penguin! And kill that little bitch!" Dan: [Misato] And their little dog too! > Her two companions payed her and the screen no attention.***** Rick: [Kaji] How many did she have? Dan: [Ritsuko] Only two. Dozen. > Asuka Langley Soryuu was fixing her hair in the girls-room, humming a > popular Sinatra tune Tsuneo: Is this meant to be funny? Tell me when something funny happens. > She was surprised when a ball of light entered through > the frosted glass window. When the light resolved itself into Gendo-chan's > male form, Rebecca: She swatted it, pinned it to a folder and showed everyone her latest catch. > she shreiked. > "Dummkopf! Pervert! Aaargh!" she yelled throwing her brush and hairclips at > him. Dan: [Gendo] This isn't going exactly how I planned. > Gendo-chan easily avoided the hasty missiles and simply spoke, "Child you > are needed to fight the Enemy." Rick: [Asuka] Do I have to? > "Yeah! Right! Are you stoopid or something?" she asked staring at the tiny > angel. > "I have no time for your games! The enemy is attacking Tokyo. You are the > reborn spirit of a Magical Fairy Princess. Rick: Wow. Reborn as Asuka. Reincarnation sucks. > You will fight it." > "Jeez..." > "Take this," he handed her a chunky pendant. Rebecca [Asuka]: No. You take your little fairy pendant, shine it up so it's all nice and shiny, then turn it sideways and stick it straight up your little fairy candy ass! Dan: And to a little fairy guy, that's gotta hurt. > "And say 'Oh Fairy Queen bring forth the Neon Genesis.'" Rick: [Asuka] What did you ask the great Asuka to say? Dan: [Gendo] I said- Rick: [Asuka] It doesn't matter what you asked the great Asuka to say! > "If it will make you go away, fine." She took the pendant. Tsuneo: Because we can't think of a better way to have her agree, she'll do it for the heck of it. > Asuka stood in the centre of the girls-room and held the pendant in both > hands. With a cynical turn to her voice she repeated: "Oh Fairy Queen bring > forth the Neon Genesis. Rebecca: [Asuka] Yadda yadda yadda, upright locked- Do I really have to say this? > Like that's going to..." > Suddenly there was a bright explosion of every colour known to man. Dan: And turquoise. > A swirling hurricane of blood red rose petals Rebecca: Emphasis on the blood bit. Tsuneo: Why look, it's culturally appropriate flowers. > erupted from the floor around > her and stripped away the clothing from her body in shredded ribbons as she > pirouetted inches above the ground. Rick: [Asuka] Hey you! You there! Yeah, I'm talking to you, mister authour! You dare to strip the great Asuka of her clothes? WA-TAK! I want my release. > There was a second explosion of colour > and there in the centre of the room stood Magical Fairy Princess Langley. > Asuka was dressed in a pristine white sailor suit. The skirt, knee length > socks and puffed sleeves were trimmed with bold green satin ribbon and > delicate white lace. In her hand she held a silvery baton. Dan: Hey, that was just bulk copy and pasted with a few small changes. Rebecca: Do you think that was a sarcastic reference to the way magical girl shows just re-use the same transformation sequence over and over? Rick: No, I think the authour's just lazy. > "Gott in Himmel!" was all Asuka could say in a hushed voice. Tsuneo: Oh yeah, how about something along the lines of "What's with this ridiculous outfit?" Rick: Or "I want to see my lawyer". > As Magical Fairy Princess Langley examined her new appearence, Gendo-chan > explained: "That is the Fairy Baton." Rebecca: With which you can beat people senseless in the name of Love and Justice. That's my kind of magical weapon. Rick: So she's working for the Fairy equivalent of the LAPD? > Asuka looked closely at her weapon. About a metre in length, the wide baton > was sheathed in a silvery metal and had a tapering wooden handle at the > bottom. > "Looks like a baseball bat to me," she sniffed. Rick: You give that back. Sting's been looking for it. Tsuneo: I'd love to know what a baseball bat's meant to do with Asuka. > "It is not important. Follow me," commanded Gendo-chan opening the window > and flying off. > Giving a shrug, Asuka followed. She was extremely surprised to find that she > was able to. Rebecca: What would have been even more surprising is if she couldn't. > ***** > Tuxedo Pen-Pen was beginning to tire. This had been a long duel, Dan: I personally doubt a drill bit is a terribly dexterous weapon. > even for him, Tsuneo: I suppose most of his fights just go "Throw fish, squawk incoherently, run away." > and Rei shew no signs of recovery. Conversely the Diamond shew no signs > of anything. Tsuneo: Is "shew" meant to be the past tense of "show?" I need to know. > Just as he was about to make his exit, Rick: There's never a cab around when you really need it. > a rush of rose petals > flew past and a faint strain of dramatic opera could be heard. Rebecca: Ah, she has Orchestra in her Undies (TM) > "Look out monster I'm gonna kick your butt!" declared Magical Fairy Princess > Langley. Dan: [Asuka] In a petite fairy justice kind of way, that is. > "Oh! In the name of the Fairy Queen that is." Dan: What she said. > Gendo-chan held his head in his hands. "It has a force barrier," he warned. Rebecca: [Gendo] Where did we find her? > "I don't care what it's got," remarked Asuka off-handedly and began a > swooping charge. Rick: Okay, your loss, not mine. > As she got within a few metres, the hexagonal shield came up, but Asuka took > no notice and swung the Fairy Baton with every ounce of strength she had. As > it travelled its wide arc in slow motion the silvery metal sheath began to > glow. It passed straight through the field and made contact. Tsuneo: Okay, any reason why Asuka can take it out but Rei can't? Dan: Because Asuka's new for the episode. Tsuneo: Huh? Dan: It's a basic rule of magical girl shows. A new magical girl can atomise a monster without any trouble in her first episode. Tsuneo: Then be totally useless otherwise? Dan: ... > A grunt passed Asuka's gritted teeth Rick: Grr, grit those teeth. > as she made contact, then the Diamond exploded. Rebecca: Then, Ramiel explode. > Tiny shards of silvery glass flew, twinkling, in every direction, then > melted away like snow. There on the ground surrounded by empty and crushed > beer cans Dan: Boy was that some party or what? Rick: [Toji] This is a great party. I wish I was here. > was Toji Suzahara. Tsuneo: [Toji] I had the weirdest dream. I was this big diamond thing, and I was being attacked by these cute... Say! > Asuka made a graceful landing and looked down at the prone boy. Rebecca: [Asuka] Pitiful peasant, bow down before me! No wait, you're on the ground already. Whoops. > "Nice panties miss!" he grinned from his ground-level vantage point. Dan: Bye Toji. Rick: Been nice knowing you. Rebecca: We're probably about to discover precisely what devastation the magical fairy baton is capable of. > Asuka slapped him hard across the face. "Boys!" she spat. Ignoring further > remarks she walked over to the hurt and bleeding form of Magical Fairy > Princess Ayanami. Picking her up she walked away into the night. Tsuneo: [Rei] Ow. Ow. I'm still the hero of this crummy fanfic. Ow. > *****Back in a darkened bar, Misato was crying into her drink again. > "Hey Ritsu," said the man. "Whats up with Misato?". Rebecca: She just realised this is a trilogy and it's only chapter two. Dan: You'd be crying too. > The blonde woman with the mole beneath her eye replied, "She now has two of > those Fairy bitches thwarting her evil deeds!" Dan: [Ritsuko] We were watching it on TV, but I have to explain it to you anyway. Rick: [Kaji] You were watching the TV? > "Tough break!" replied the man. > Misato suddenly shuddered and said in a silky voice, "Oooh Kaji, keep that > up." > "Not me," replied the man. "Try your pager." Rebecca: Trust Misato to have a vibrating model. > Grumbling, Misato retrieved her pager from her belt and read the message. > Her face turned white. > "Whats up?" asked Ritsuko > "Queen Yui want's to see me about my work," she replied trembling. Tsuneo: Yui? Yui's the evil queen? Now I've seen everything. Rebecca: Poor Fairy Princess Rei's going to have a real identity crisis. > Slowly Misato walked from the room.***** All: Bye Misato! Nice knowing you! > Three days later Rei was back at school, although she had an ankle brace and > a was resting her weight on a crutch. Dan: [Rei] Whatever happened to magical fairy healing? > "Hi!" said Asuka approaching brightly. "I'm Asuka Langley Soryuu." Rick: [Asuka] But you may call me God! Rebecca: [Rei] Oh, hi. It's been a while, God. > "Yes?" said Rei."I saved you, remember?""Yes," said Rei. Tsuneo: [Rei] Do you want thanks or something? > "Well I'm pleased to meet you properly. What's your name?""Rei Ayanami." > "Hi Rei. Lets be best friends," chirped Asuka."Why?" asked Rei. Dan: Um... Rick: Give me a reason why someone would want to be friends with Asuka? [Dan holds his hands out in front of his chest. Rick shakes his head. Rebecca whack Dan with a cushion] > "Because it would be convenient, of course." > "If Gendo-chan orders me to, I will," remarked Rei and walked off to class. > "Strange girl," commented Asuka to nobody in particular and hurried off to > her class. Rebecca: That's coming from the girl who's talking to herself. > ***** > Somewhere else Gendo-chan answered his telephone, Dan: I really, really want to know where that phone comes from. > "A third child?... Tell me her name... Really? Tell me more..." > Next Time: The last Magical Fairy Princess joins the team! Tsuneo: I suppose it's going to be Hikari for no good reason. Rebecca: Apart from the fact she's the only teenage girl left in the show? > MAGICAL FAIRY PRINCESS IKARI Rick: Fairy... Dan: Princess... Tsuneo: Ikari? [Rebecca bursts out laughing] > By PETER BARNARD > Part Three of the Magical Fairy Princess Trilogy > Special Thanks to: The usuals, plus the pre-readers. Dan: There were pre-readers? Rick: Yeah, I think that's us. > All characters are likenesses of characters owned by Gainax***** > Rei, Asuka and Gendo-chan were using the gym after school. Rebecca: I hope you paid the membership fee. Dan: Oh yeah? Can you see Gendo there fronting up to the counter? > "This is stoopid!" said Asuka hanging from the higher asymmetrical bar. Tsuneo: So's the way you keep spelling "stupid," but never mind. > "You need to improve your skills to fight the Enemy," intoned Gendo-chan'' Rick: Is there any way you can learn to be resistant to having giant beer cans thrown at you? Dan: I don't think anyone could be ready for that. > "Huh!" said Asuka dropping down. "This is impossible." Dan: No, landing a jumbo jet with one wing in the middle of a hurricane is impossible. This is only ridiculously difficult. > "Rei!" commanded Gendo-chan. > Without a word Rei bounded up to the bars and jumped up to grab the higher > bar. > Open-mouthed, Asuka watched as Rei spun around the bar. Her hands left the > bar Rick: [Rei] Some joker greased the bars. > and she spun in the air to grab the lower bar. She flipped around to > face the higher bar and swung back to it. Suddenly her wrist twisted at an > odd angle and she fell to the ground. As she landed there was a sickening > crunch from her ankle, and as she broke her fall with her good wrist. Her > grimace, and tiny cry of pain showed that that too was a serious matter. Rebecca: You've got a real dud of a magical girl here. > Gendo-chan was there in a heartbeat. Abandoning his cool exterior he spoke > in a hurried whisper, to which she nodded and shook her head. Rick: [Rei] No, I am alive. Yes, I can't move my leg. No, I am not aware of how much my medical bills are costing you. Yes, I do want to re-think my contract. > "Langley! Get her to a hospital. Now!" Rebecca: [Asuka] Hey, why do I have to cart her rotting carcass around? > As Asuka carried her along the long driveway towards the street she > grumbled, "Why do I always have to take her to the hospital? She's so > accident prone!" Dan: Judging by her track record of only one serious accident. > ***** > Kaji sat alone in the darkened bar. He looked up as Ritsuko entered the dim > lighted area. Rebecca: Could *someone* turn the lights on in here? > "What happened to Misato?" he asked. > "Queen Yui had one of her 'moods' and vaporised her." Tsuneo: Are magical girl villains usually this temperamental? Dan: No, it normally takes about ten failures before you get vaporised. > "Tough break!" remarked Kaji. "So what now?" Rebecca: [Kaji] I guess I'll need to find a new melon patch. Know where I can plant some seeds? > "Now I show Queen Yui how it's really done," replied Ritsuko as she started > to leave. > "Good luck Ritsu," called Kaji after her.***** Dan: [Kaji] Don't get yourself killed. By the boss, that is. > Shigeru was working late in the office. Tsuneo: Hey, look! It's Aoba, and he's actually doing something in a fanfic! > The report was due in at 9am > tomorrow, and if it was late Mr Fuyutski would have him disciplined. Rebecca: I didn't know Fuyutski was into that sort of thing. [Tsuneo whacks her with a cushion] > The heat was on! Rick: So why are we freezing in here? Dan: Voice, you ever thought of heating this place? Voice: Well gee, that would take *money* which I'm *out* of, thanks to having to *replace* so many TVs! > "God! I'd kill for a coffee!" exclaimed Shigeru. Rebecca: And commit grevious bodily harm for a cup of tea. > "Really?" asked Ritsuko coming up behind him. She was holding two steaming > mugs of coffee. Rick: [Aoba, dazed] Coffee... Must have coffee... Dan: She's bringing him two nice steaming jugs. Tsuneo: I oughta hurt you. > "Figure of speech... Who are you?" > Ritsuko perched herself on Shigeru's desk and crossed her legs. Proffering > the cup of coffee, she lied: "Ikagi. Regional Sales." Rebecca: She works under the boss. [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion] It's true, dammit, it's true! > Shigeru took the coffee. "Sorry. I don't know you.""No problem! Go on drink > up." > "Oh yeah! Right," said Shigeru and took a sip. "Wow! Java!" > "Ah! Predictable humans!" Rick: Ah! Predictable fanfic! > said Ritsuko in a quiet voice, and walked off. Tsuneo: So you're going to show Misato how it's done by doing exactly the same thing she did? Makes sense. > Shigeru's arms and legs began to twitch violently. Rick: [Aoba] T-t-that's some g-g-good c-c-coffee! > His mug fell to he floor in slow motion spilling hot brown liquid. Dan: [Aoba] AAGH! Not on my lap! > As he lost consciousness, he > noticed that his trousers were covered in cat hairs. But I don't have a cat, > was his last thought Rebecca: I'm sure this is relevant somehow. > His unconscious form began to grow and turn greyish green. Rick: Maybe that coffee wasn't so good after all. > When it reached > gigantic proportions it got up, shook off the wreckage of the office > building, and stomped off towards Juuban. Dan: [Israfel] Alright, I'm going to go off and squish stuff. Heh, heh. > *****Asuka was fast asleep when Gendo-chan burst through her window. > "Wake up! The Enemy is on the move!" Tsuneo: [Asuka] Ah, give me five more minutes. Rebecca: [Gendo] But it's destroying the city! Tsuneo: [Asuka] Let it. > "Whaaa? Do you know what time it is?" she asked blearily. Rick: [Asuka] What? You dare disturb the great Asuka during her rest? WA-TAK! > "Time is irrelevant. Rebecca: Resistance is futile. > You must go out and fight."Whatever." > Asuka got to her feet slowly and, stifling a yawn, spoke out, Rick: [Asuka] Yeah yeah, fairy queen, blow up Angels... I swear, if you peak little fairy guy, you're getting a fairy baton to the nut. > "Oh Fairy Queen bring forth the Neon Genesis!" > Suddenly there was a bright explosion of every colour known to man. Rick: Not of course forgetting Fuscia. > A swirling hurricane of blood red rose petals erupted from the floor around > her and stripped away the nightdress from her body in shredded ribbons as > she pirouetted inches above the ground. Rebecca: Bit of a bummer if you're wearing your favourite outfit. > There was a second explosion of > colour and there in the centre of the room stood Magical Fairy Princess > Langley. Tsuneo: No, we all thought she'd suddenly changed into Rei. > Asuka was dressed in a pristine white sailor suit. The skirt, knee length > socks and puffed sleeves were trimmed with bold green satin ribbon and > delicate white lace. In her hand she held a silvery baton. Rick: Yeah, we know by now. > Wiping her eyes, Asuka flew unsteadily into the night.***** > In the darkened bar, Kaji was watching over Ritsuko's shoulder as she tapped > away at her laptop. Dan: Minesweeper? The hell? > "Its doing quite well," he remarked. > "Thank you. It's not at the target yet, but projections are well into the > ninety percent bracket." > "What if those Fairy Princesses turn up?" > "Well the blue one is in the hospital, Tsuneo: So why not go and knock her off while she's there? Rebecca: Ssh. Tsuneo: I mean, they clearly know her secret identity and everything. Rebecca: Ssh. > and I have a little surprise for the green one..." Dan: Would this be an appropriate moment for some diabolical laughter? > *****"Now do it correctly this time," ordered Gendo-chan. > "Geez! Halt evil minion, or in the name of the Fairy Queen I will punish > you!" called Magical Fairy Princess Langley. Rick: [Gendo] Now let's try it once more, with *feeling.* > It still sounds stoopid, she thought to herself Tsuneo: I couldn't agree more. > The greeny-grey giant paused, and turned its tiny white face to see its > opponent. It put its hands together and cracked its enormous knuckles in > anticipation. Dan: Krick krick knuckles. > "Batter up!" screamed Asuka, and flew in for the strike. > The giant swung its mitts to swat away the pest Rick: It's about now you appreciate why most magical girls have ranged attacks. > but she ducked it's clumsy > blows and delivered a killer strike with the Fairy Baton. Rebecca: Okay Dan, here's a test. Let's say a mosquito swung a pin at you. Would *that* be a killer strike? > The creatures invisible shield held, but the force of the baton picked it up > and slung it along the street. Rick: Obviously being a magical fairy princess doesn't mean you're responsible for the collateral you cause. > When it landed a huge crack appeared in its chest. Tsuneo: The fairy bat didn't hurt it, but a crash-landing did? That's a pretty lame magical weapon. And a lame monster, for that matter. Rebecca: [Asuka] Take that, enigmatic alien visitor! > "YES!" cried Asuka. Rebecca: Was it good for her too? > "Hmmm," mused Gendo-chan. Tsuneo: He's as bored as we are. > "Oh dear," sympathised Kaji Rick: He's afraid there's still more to come. > But Ritsuko merely smiled and jabbed a key on her computer. Rick: Hit any key to continue. Dan: I can't find the "any" key! > The crack widened and the beast fell into two parts, which instantly morphed > into two separate giants, one grey, one green. Dan: Wasn't one of them orange? > "What?" cried Asuka, Gendo-chan and Kaji as one. > The two giants rushed towards Asuka. As she watched the grey one speed right > past her, the green one caught her with a perfect backhand. All: TOGG! > At the end of > the street the grey giant waited for her approach then executed a overarm > smash. Rick: Anyone for tennis? > Ricocheting back and forth, Asuka wondered where Tuxedo Pen-Pen was, and > whether he only cared about Rei. Rebecca: Face it Asuka, no-one cares about you. > ***** > Across town, mild mannered reporter Pen-Pen dozed in a chair by Rei's > hospital bed. Tsuneo: I get the feeling this would make a tiny bit more sense with some description. I hate how it looks now, though. > He was having a wonderful dream in which three spindly robots > had been beaten by a giant schoolgirl, which he was now beating to a pulp > with his Super-Strength and Laser-Vision. Dan: Man, your subconscious is more interesting than I thought. > *****"Retreat!" cried Gendo-chan to Asuka. All: Run away! Run away! > The green giant attempted a lob, but its aim was off, and the bleeding and > bruised Fairy Princess was able to fly ungracefully away as the giants > turned their attention back to Juuban. > *****Asuka and Gendo-chan were watching TV in her room. Rebecca: [Asuka] The hell? Sid's still got the belt? > "... but fortunately our brave men and women of the Self Defence Force Dan: Voted by nine out of ten atomic monsters as the best tasting army in the world. > were able to force the monsters back to their sewer lairs. Rick: Those are some mighty big sewers. Tsuneo: Never mind that, I want to know how they got in there. Rebecca: They used a manhole. > Well done! And in > other news..." chirped the scandalously dressed newsgirl. Rick: Sally Smedley? Rebecca: Now that was obscure. > "Well at least they've gone," prompted Asuka. Rick: Prompted? Tsuneo: [Asuka] Psst! Fairy guy! Your line! > "No," said Gendo-chan. "They will return in a few days. Dan: [Gendo] I sent them with insufficient postage. > Your wounds will have healed, but you will need assistance. Rebecca: Well, if a certain omnipotent penguin in a tux had bothered to show his beak... > There is a third child." > "I hope she's more talkative then Rei..." complained Asuka.***** Dan: Can we have a scene without her complaining? Please? > Shinji Ikari was doing his homework when he noticed a light shining in his > window. [Rebecca cracks up laughing] Tsuneo: What's so funny? Rebecca: Come on, it's clear Shinji's going to be the next fairy princess. Tsuneo: That's not funny. Kind of predictable and pathetic, but not funny. Rebecca: But it'll be a true testament to his manliness. > It was annoying him, but he stoically ignored it and got on with his work. Dan: [Shinji] If I ignore it, maybe it'll go away. > The light grew more intense and then filled the room. Rick: [Shinji] I was in a long tunnel... And there was this bright light and all these voices... > At the centre > of the glow, Shinji made out a distinct figure. When his eyes adjusted he > saw a winged man in a uniform of some sort. Tsuneo: Folken? Rick: [Shinji] Dad! Where have you been? Dan: [Gendo] There are some things I didn't tell you, son. > This is obviously a dream, thought Shinji. > "This is not a dream," started the winged figure. Rebecca: In which case, it's a drug-induced hallucination. Dan: [Gendo] Do not adjust your set. This is entirely our fault. > "My name is Gendo-chan and > you must aid Magical Fairy Princess Langley defeat the Enemy." Tsuneo: [Shinji] I've been studying to hard. > "Who?" asked Shinji."You know her as Asuka Langley." Rebecca: If that wasn't a no-brainer. > "The loud girl with red hair? No chance." Rick: Okay, that worked. > "You have no say in this matter. Dan: [Shinji] I dunno, I could get my bug spray. > Take this." Gendo-chan handed him a pendant. It was a slim silver sword. > Shinji looked at the pendant."Take it!" barked Gendo-chan. Rick: [Shinji] What happens if I say no? Rebecca: [Gendo] I'll... Flutter my wings in your face. > Instinctively, Shinji reached out and took it. Rick: [Shinji] Shiny thing... > "Good," conceded Gendo-chan. "You have a special power inside you. Tsuneo: [Gendo] You can pilot an EVA like no other... Er, sorry. Wrong script. Rebecca: He's special. Dan: Can we please not start that again? > When you > hold that pendant and cry 'Oh Fairy Queen bring forth the Neon Genesis' you > will transform into a powerful warrior. Tsuneo: [Gendo] There may be certain side effects. > That trinket will turn into the Fairy Sabre." Rick: Oh wow, he can menace ridiculously huge monsters with a pointed stick. Rebecca: This is rather Freudian. > Shinji was lost in thought. If I become a superhero, he theorised, people > will look up to me. Rebecca: Or at least up your skirt. > He stood forward and cried 'Oh Fairy Queen bring forth the Neon Genesis'. > Nothing happened. Dan: That was kind of anticlimactic. Rick: [Gendo] Oh, wait. I found that trinket in a Christmas cracker. Wrong one. My bad. > "You can only transform when the Enemy attacks," explained Gendo-chan. Dan: So much for training or preparation. > "I will call for you when they do." Tsuneo: [Gendo] So you can fly off, get yelled at and humiliated, and be saved by a penguin. Rebecca: [Shinji] Cool. > *****"So are your monsters still cowering in fear?" asked Kaji insolently. Rick: [Ritsuko] No, they're just on their *coffee* *break.* Dan: [Kaji] Ouch. > "Peasant" sniffed Ritsuko not taking her eyes from her computer screen. > "They were just recharging. Rick: He's just resting. He's all shagged out after a particularly long squawk. > They will recommence the attack in... two... one... GO!" Tsuneo: All of a sudden! Nothing happened. > Slowly the turf at McKenna Park bulged. Then it erupted showering picnicking > couples and joggers with dirt. Rick: Notice how no-one actually gets hurt in these shows. Dan: [Badly dubbed] Good thing all those picnickers got to safety first! > "Hah!" snorted Ritsuko.***** > Looking out of the classroom window Asuka was surprised when a cherry tree > fell from the sky. Tsuneo: [Asuka] Is it raining large trees again? Dan: [Asuka] Ho hum, cherry tree fell from the sky, yeah yeah. Does it concern me? I think not. > She stood up. "Sensei! I have to leave the room. It's that time." Rick: Vader time? > The male teacher turned red and mumbled something to the affirmative. Asuka > raced out of the room. Dan: Good going Asuka, you get to skip class for the day! > In the hall she took out her pendant and cried, "Oh Fairy Queen bring forth > the Neon Genesis." Tsuneo: So you're just going to transform out in the hall? Not worried about anyone coming along? > Suddenly there was a bright explosion of every colour known to man. Rick: Including but not limited to tangerine. > A > swirling hurricane of blood red rose petals erupted from the floor around > her and stripped away the clothing from her body in shredded ribbons as she > pirouetted inches above the ground. There was a second explosion of colour > and there in the centre of the room stood Magical Fairy Princess Langley. > Asuka was dressed in a pristine white sailor suit. The skirt, knee length > socks and puffed sleeves were trimmed with bold green satin ribbon and > delicate white lace. In her hand she held a silvery baton. Rick: Just give up and say "baseball bat." Rebecca: The Whackmaster +12. > "Time to kick some monster butt," she thought. "I wonder where the third > Princess is?" Tsuneo: No doubt being highly embarrassed by now. > ***** > As usual, Shinji was the last one left in the Gym showers. His politeness > and shyness meant that the hot water was mostly used up, but he struggled > with what he had. Kensuke poked his head around the door, Dan: [Shinji] GAH! Warn me next time! Rebecca: [Shinji] It's the cold water, honestly! There was shrinkage! > "Come on Shinji. > Its nearly the end of the day. If you hurry up we can leave a bit early." > "I don't want to be any trouble," said Shinji sheltering his manhood Rebecca: Or lack thereof. Rick: Toothpicks. > with his hands. "You go on without me." Dan: [Shinji] I'll just stay here and suffer in silence... Don't mind me. > Kensuke muttered something as he left, but Shinji didn't catch it. Rick: You've just been called a loser by Kensuke. Do you get much lower? > Suddenly all the tiles lit up, and Gendo-chan was hovering just out of reach > of the shower's spray. Rebecca: [Shinji] AARGH! Don't you ever knock? > "It is time. Transform!""But I'm not wearing anything..." Tsuneo: Um, that doesn't matter... You'll be turned into... Oh, never mind. > "Transform!" > "Oh Fairy Queen," said Shinji. "Bring forth the Neon Genesis." Rick: No no no! Say it again with feeling! > Suddenly there was a bright explosion of every colour known to man. All: And beige! > A swirling hurricane of pink chrysanthemum petals erupted from the floor > around him and stripped away the moisture from his dripping body in wispy > ribbons of steams Rebecca: Oh great, a mildly titillating transformation sequence of Shinji. Bleagh! > as he pirouetted inches above the ground. There was a > second explosion of colour and there in the centre of the shower room stood > Magical Fairy Princess Ikari. Tsuneo: Note the term "princess." > Shinji was dressed in a pristine white sailor suit. The skirt, knee length > socks and puffed sleeves were trimmed with a pastel pink ribbon [They all snigger loudly] > and delicate white lace. In his hand he held a silvery fencing sword. Rebecca: Let me get this straight. He's wearing a lacy sailor suit with pink ribbons, but he's still Shin-*boy?* Oh, this is too much. Tsuneo: And I didn't even get to make a "Girlfriend of Steel" reference. Rick: Alright already, we bow to your encyclopedic knowledge of obscure Sega Saturn games. Dan: Although he'll never admit that he owns one. Tsuneo: What? I do not! Dan: See? > "What the hell!" screamed Shinji. Rebecca: If Toji and Kensuke see him, he is *so* dead. > "Come!" ordered Gendo-chan. > "No way!" yelled Shinji trying to remove the suit. His hands were unable to > grip the neckline of the blouse. Dan: He's got the right idea. Rebecca: Poor Shinji wouldn't have a clue how to remove women's clothes. Rick: [Shinji] Aargh! This never happens to Lyn from EVA-R or DJ! > "If you do not come, I will get Rei to fight in your place. Tsuneo: [Shinji] No, I don't know anyone called Rei. Dan: [Gendo] That didn't quite work. > "Rei Ayanami?" asked Shinji, current argument forgotten. "She's also got > super powers?" Rick: Say, what are her powers? Rebecca: She can cause third impact and is incredibly marketable. > "Yes," snapped Gendo-chan."But she's in hospital! She can't fight." > "If you will not..." repeated Gendo-chan. Dan: [Gendo] This is a recording. > Shinji sighed. "OK. I'll do it. But if anyone recognises me..." > "It will wear off after the battle," comforted Gendo-chan in a stern > voice.***** Tsuneo: Somehow I'm less than fully reassured. > Magical Fairy Princess Langley hovered above the city. > Hmmm, she thought. They grey one or the green one. Rick: Choose door number two! Door number two! > Gendo-chan and a strange-looking girl flew up to her. Dan: Er, that's not a girl. Rebecca: But I don't blame you for making the mistake. > "Langley, you take the green one. Ikari, take the grey one." > "Ikari! As in Shinji Ikari?" asked Asuka shocked. > Shinji turned beet-red all over. Rick: That's a yes. > "HA!" snorted Asuka. "Oh this is too good. That's a pretty colour Shinji. It > matches your panties!" Dan: How did she know that? > "Shut up!" shouted Shinji. Tears were beginning to form behind his eyes. Rebecca: [Shinji] That's it! I want my release. > "I'm doing this for Rei." Tsuneo: [Shinji] I barely know her, but I'm doing this for her anyway! Rick: [Gendo] Sucker. > "Hmmmph!" said Asuka."Fight! The! Monsters!" ordered Gendo-chan. Tsuneo: [Gendo] Shout! In! Disjointed! Fragments! > Shinji and Asuka swooped down on the monsters. Dan: [Asuka] Death from above! > Asuka took a low sweep and knocked the green monster's legs out from under > it. Dan: That's on mighty big fairy baton she's got there. Rebecca: [Asuka] Hah! My weapon's bigger than Shinji's! Rick: [Shinji] Tell me about it. > As it landed she proceeded to batter it repeatedly with the Fairy Baton. Rick: Someone call the ref! Tsuneo: So much for tactics. Dan: So Asuka's now working for the LAPD? > Shinji was more reserved. "Halt Evil Being," he faltered in a bad falsetto. Dan: What, he reverted to his Japanese voice actor? > Oh! No-ones watching, he thought. He shrugged and lunged with the Fairy Sabre. > Gendo-chan watched from the sidelines. Rick: [Gendo, deadpan] Rah, rah, go team. > Asuka was repeated bashing her > opponent but only every third blow was doing any damage. Rebecca: I guess the angel just can't sell moves properly. > Shinji on the other > hand was lunging and feinting and nimbly dodging the wild flailing hands of > his opponent Dan: Hundred hand slap! > and scoring every time. > He looked back and forth between the combats. Tsuneo: [Gendo] I paid thirty-nine ninety-five for this? > Ah! he thought. Asuka's blows are only damaging that thing when Shinji's > blows connect. All: Huh? > Simultaneous blows are the only thing that works. Dan: That's a mighty big flaw in your giant monsters. > He was abut > to shout to the pair, when he realised it was a lot easier for them to keep > to what they were doing. The chances of those two purposely synchronising > were minute. Tsuneo: Well, maybe if you had tried *training* them... > *****"Oh dear," patronised Kaji. > "Shut up!" snapped Ritsuko. "It's fine unless they... Dammit!"***** Rick: [Ritsuko] They've found the cheat code! > Shinji and Asuka had gotten either side of the pair of monsters. Shinji was > pushing his monster back with the force of his blows. Dan: [Israfel] Ooh, help. I'm being attacked by a cross-dresser with a pointed stick. Tsuneo: [Shinji] Shut up! I'm not normally like this! > The two creatures were back to back and then suddenly they slipped together. Rebecca: What, they fell over each other? Tsuneo: I think the authour means they merged back into their original form. > "Now!" screamed Gendo-chan. > Shinji adopted a fencers pose. The Fairy Sabre glowed a silvery gleam. Rick: Sorry, I just don't think it's intimidated. > Asuka held the Baton behind her head in a batter's pose. The Fairy Baton's > sheath glowed with a silvery gleam. Dan: Now that's scary. > As one, they charged.. As their blows hit home. the area was lit up by an > incredible flash of light. Rebecca: Look, it's the opening of Akira. Tsuneo: I think they overdid that final attack. > ***** > "You have one new message," chirped Ritsuko's computer. Rick: [Demonic] You've got mail. > "Sender is Queen Yui." > Ritsuko's face fell.***** Rebecca: [Kaji] Time for me to find a new melon patch. Again. > Magical Fairy Princesses Ikari and Langley stood either side of a dazed > Shigeru. Dan: Poor Aoba never gets to do anything. > "Wow! What babes!" he gibbered. Rick: That's how you know he's dazed. > Without looking down Shinji and Asuka kicked him lightly in the ribs. Tsuneo: So much for protecting the weak and innocent, huh? > "I suppose we should get him to a hospital while we can still fly," > suggested Asuka. Rebecca: It's only Aoba. It's not like it's anyone important. > "We can visit Rei while we are there."Some where a clock chimed the hour. Rick: [Asuka] What, you expect me to waste *my* time on *other* people? > "Oh no we can't," he continued downtrodden. "Visiting time is over." > "We can fly stoopid," said Asuka. Dan: Will she stop saying that! > " We can visit her room through the window." Tsuneo: Bit of a problem if it's lock. Rebecca: [Rei] Nurse, there are magical fairy people peering in on me. > "Oh yeah!" said Shinji. "Lets go."***** > Shinji was hiding behind a hospital screen in Rei's ward. Apart from the > sleeping girl, he and Asuka were the only ones there. Asuka was back in her > school uniform. Tsuneo: I thought it gets shredded when she transforms. Dan: Obviously those tattered scraps hold together better than you'd think. > "But I'm naked," he whined. Rebecca: Yeah, and you've lost your looks. > "Look, there's bound to be a lost property box. I'll go and get you > something to wear." > "Nothing girly. Promise?""Promise," said Asuka, and then uncrossed her > fingers. > ***** > Asuka and a girl in denim cut-offs, a cute cropped blouse and a large sun > hat walked out of the hospital. Dan: And the award for the most suspicious disguise goes to... Rick: [Shinji] Well, I think I have absolutely no self-esteem left whatsoever. > "I can't walk in these shoes," complained Shinji in a whisper. > "I got you a hat and sunglasses. No-one will recognise you" Rebecca: [Asuka] Not even your own mother would recognise you. Rick: [Deep voice] Evening, Shinji. Dan: [Shinji, embarrassed] evening, mother. > "But I feel stupid..." Rebecca: Yet strangely comfortable. Dan: [Shinji] How did you get these, anyway? Rebecca: [Asuka] Don't ask, and don't mind the bloodstains. > "You should have seen what else was in lost property," said Asuka grinning. > "Come on, we'll go get your real clothes." I wish I had a camera, she > thought to herself. Rebecca: Wow. Asuka's being sadistic and IC at the same time. > ***** > Gendo-chan was sitting at a tiny desk. He was reading from an ancient > scroll. Rick: Hey, is that little fairy Fuyutski breathing over his shoulder? > "Hmmm," he mused aloud. "Three of her creations destroyed. Queen Yui won't > be trying anything new for quite a while." Dan: [Gendo] Not until she sorts out her insurance claims. > He scribbled on a pad for a few minutes. Rebecca: [Gendo] Let's see, I can claim the entire city of Tokyo as my dependants and list school uniforms under expenses... Rick: Marginal Thinking dept. by Gendo Ikari.. > "Perhaps it would be best not to tell the Princesses though." Tsuneo: Why bother? You haven't told them anything yet. > *****Epilogue > Kaji stood at the foot of the dais. Rick: Break time's over, Kaji. The queen's after you! > "Misato and Ritsuko were amateurs," he began. "I on the other hand, not only > have practice and experience, Rebecca: [Kaji] So, care to experience my practice? > but also a fiendishly cunning plan." Dan: [Kaji] I have a cunning plan, milord. > "Do go on," commanded Queen Yui eagerly. Rick: [Kaji] But first, my coffee break. > THE END OF THE MAGICAL FAIRY PRINCESS TRILOGY [The TV switches off] Rebecca: That's it? I thought it was just the intro. Voice: No, that's all. Dan: Well, I guess we should be glad. Voice: In the meantime, could I have your reviews? Tsuneo: I've got to say that I was mystified by a few of the casting choices in the fic, mostly just Gendo and Misato. Given the character's relationships in the original EVA, Misato would be a far better choice for the "mentor figure," and Gendo would have been the best choice for the evil villain. Oh, you could argue that Gendo is Rei's "mentor" in the original, but that still doesn't apply to Asuka or Shinji, and besides, Rei all but sits out two out of three chapters. Plus, I don't think I need to mention how stupid the whole "Tuxedo Pen-Pen" bit is. Dan: What got me is that it couldn't really decide if it was meant to be a satire or serious. I mean, obviously the whole set-up is a sploof of magical girl shows, especially Sailor Moon, but then it gets fully serious in the minimalist combat scenes and with Gendo and Yui's characters. Rebecca: The biggest problem I found with this fic was that it was all set-up and introduction. The three chapters that we saw were all character introductions and setting up the plot, but there was very little beyond that. And seeing as this is the end of the trilogy, it will never get beyond character introduction and set-up. Rick: Well *I* thought Tuxedo Pen-Pen was cool. Tsuneo: You would. Rick: Hey! Voice: The review... Rick: Oh yeah... Well, it's better than the last EVA/Magical Girl fic we had. But that's easy. The biggest problem I found was the characterisation. It was either rather minimal and basic stuff, or not at all. The three Fairy Princesses acted like the most basic versions of their characters. Rei was quiet, Auska loud and Shinji spineless, but it never went beyond that. Dan: It wasn't all that bad, I guess. Rick: Well, I'd best be off. I've got a new character to create, design, plan out, somehow write in and dream up and excuse as to why they vanish in three issues. Rebecca: Tough break. We're off to Tsuneo's place to play video games. Rick: Lucky you. Tsuneo: Do I get a say in this? Dan: Nope. Rebecca: You should see his collection. He's got stacks of ancient Megaman games. For the NES, even. Rick: Megaman? Sayyy... Dan: Yeah, and the boss robots have these really stupid names. Like there's Dust Man, and Dive Man, and Hard Man, and... Rick: Now this gives me an idea. Tsuneo: Oh dear. Rick: I've got a feeling that I'm in for a couple of very fun issues... [The screen goes blank] Rebecca: He even bought Evangelion 64. Tsuneo: Shut up! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-2000 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley & Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-2000 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > "That looks hard," said the raven-haired beauty seating herself opposite > Toji.