Elmer Studios presents... --------------------------------------------------------------------------- For episode 126, we have a GI Joe self-insertion. No, I have no idea how I find this crap. GI Joe is copyright Hasbro Mitchell the GI Joe is copyright Lord Mitchell --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.] [Dan enters, stopping in the doorway when he hears the Voice] Voice: It's not even like he's always here. But when he is, he's so disruptive. [Dan quietly sneaks into the room] Voice: He's such a trouble maker. He's always the one who says stupid things and riles the others. Especially Tsuneo. [Dan looks nervous] Voice: And of course he never contributes anything constructive. That's it, it's decided. [Dan cranes closer to the speaker] Voice: I'll just have to get rid of him, once and for all. [Rebecca and Rick enter. Rebecca is carrying a shopping bag] Voice: I'll arr- [He shuts up] Rebecca: So how wa- [She sees Dan] What are you doing there lurking behind the couch? Dan: Shh. The voice is plotting something. Rick: Yeah, we know Dan. Dan: No, really. Rebecca: He's going to find a bad fanfic and then use it to take over the world. We already know that, Dan. Dan: I mean- Rebecca: Now, where were we? Dan [Muttered]: Why do I even bother? Rick: New GI Joe comic. Rebecca: Yeah. So, how was it? Rick: Better than I'd expected on many counts. The plot was a lot darker than the old one, with colourful army heroes being replaced by secret government circles, official deniability and sources that don't exist. Rebecca: Is this GI Joe or Stormwatch? Rick: Or The Authority. Or The Monarchy. Or The Establishment. Rebecca: Or Wildstorm's other forthcoming title, The Anarcho-Synchranist Commune. Rick: Very funny. Dan: Excuse- Rebecca: Comic? Rick: Yeah. The art was so-so. The work on aging some of the characters was good, especially poor Bazooka. Rebecca: But? Rick: Some of the others, especially Major Bludd and [Sigh] The Baroness looked terrible. Dan: But- Rebecca: Don't worry about it. Get your supermodel wife to put on a black leather suit and glasses for you, and you'll be fine. Rick: Good idea, thanks. Rebecca [Muttered]: Sarcasm is wasted on the stupid. [Normal] Anything else? Rick: CC and Destro had a hissy fit at each other. Rebecca: Cool. So over all? Rick: Decent. Above average. Dan: Excuse me, but I've got something important to say here! [Tsuneo enters] Tsuneo: Saw you at the shop, Rebecca. What were you after? Rebecca: Amongst other things, visual aids for today's review. Dan: Excuse- Voice: Morning everyone. Dan: - Rebecca: Morning Serpentor Iguana. How's things? Voice: ... Dan: ... Rick: Nice shot. Tsuneo: I'll have to believe you. Voice: Well, um, yeah. What was I saying? Tsuneo: Our fic of the day is... Voice? Voice: Um, yeah, it's... Rebecca: He seems kind of distracted. Rick: I think he's loosing it. Dan: Excuse me, but- Voice: Yes! Our fic of the day is called "Mitchell the GI Joe." Rebecca: I think we can guess what it's based on then. Rick: You never know with skull up there. Tsuneo: This is true. [They sit, Rick and Dan on the forwards-facing couch, Tsuneo and Rebecca on the other one. Rebecca and Rick are closest on the corners] Rick: Comic or cartoon GI Joe? Voice: Cartoon. Tsuneo: Help. [The TV switches on] > Mitchell the GI Joe > by Lord Mitchell Tsuneo: Bad sign number one: Title matches the authour's nick. > This is a G I Joe fanfic. It takes place after the movie. Oh, and there is one > other thing. This takes place in a slightly altered universe. In this universe, > Duke is dead. Rebecca: The second most common retcon in GI Joe fanfics. Dan: Second? What's number one? Rebecca: Re-hashing issues 139-142 without Megatron. Dan: Natch. > This is how things should have been in the movie. Rick: So CC's an ex-used car salesman and there's no Cobra-La? > Basically, it is > the movie without the "Duke's in a coma" and "Duke's okay" lines. Other than > that, Rebecca: The Fridge replaces Big Lob in all scenes except his intro. Rick: Tunnel Rat is the star. Dan: And Zarana is seen topless from behind. Hot damn! > it is exactly the same. It also has some interesting twists. Rick: Like... the DiC episodes not happening, right? Tsuneo: Yeah, little things like that. > I'm not telling what they are, though. Dan: Although it's a fair bet they involve a guy named Mitchell. > Mitchell the G. I. Joe-Introduction Tsuneo: Where we meet a guy named Mitchell; who's a GI Joe. Rick: Amazing! How could you ever guess? > The Joes were summoned by General Hawk to a meeting. By the Joes, I mean ALL of > the Joes. Dan: Even Big Lob? Rick: Even Big Lob. Dan: Even all the ones Larry doesn't like? Rick: Even all the ones Larry doesn't like. Dan: Wow. > They had to use the extra-large meeting hall. Rebecca: The really big room. > General Hawk stood up to > address the Joes. He said, "Man. I feel like I'm at a U.N. meeting. Wait, is this > mike on. Darn. Forget the last thirty seconds of time." All: We wish. > He stepped down off the > speaking platform, but immediately got up on it again. Rick [Hawk]: Ah, what the hell. Credibility's way over-rated anyway. > He addressed the Joes, Dan: [Hawk] Well, I said the last thing I should do this morning was forget my speech so, last thing I did this morning was to forget my speech. > "Joes, I wish to inform you of some recent developments. As you all should have > heard, Serpentor recently killed Duke. Dan [Hawk]: On the upside, it nicely cleans up the Duke/Snake-Eyes/Scarlett romantic mess. Rick [Snake-Eyes]: ... Dan [Hawk]: See? > Duke has received all the awards in the > book he can get, and a posthumous promotion to general. Rebecca: Sergeant to general? That's some promotion. > Another casualty is Cobra Commander. Rick: I always knew there was a deleted scene in the movie. > He was turned into a snake. Rebecca: On the other hand, it's all good news for Destro. > Another point is that Golobulus is the > apparent leader of Cobra, which now goes by Cobra La. Cobra La's headquarters > were recently destroyed, Rick [Hawk]: But they've moved into a Cobra-themed temple on a remote island. Dan: Is it just me, or does the GI Joe world have an overabundance of Cobra-themed temples and remote islands? Rick: I'm beginning to think that it consists of them and little else. > but Golobulus still lives. Tsuneo: Given that he's leading them, you'd assume he's alive. Dan: I'd love to know how they know all this. > Finally, I have to introduce > two new Joes. The first has the code-name of Specs." An 18-year old white male > walked on the stage. He had brown hair and blue eyes. He also had glasses, which > are also called Spectacles, Tsuneo: Really, I didn't know that. > hence his code-name. Tsuneo: Don't you need good eyesight to get into the army? Rebecca: This is GI Joe. It's the army for people who don't want to wear uniforms and don't believe in a proper chain of command. This is the place where they make fashion models into tank drivers and have more ninjas than infantry. Some of them aren't even trained soldiers. > General Hawk continued, "The > other new Joe is quite a bit more controversial, Rebecca: She's a black lesbian hunchback midget. > but he has taken a lie detector test and has been cleared for duty. Rick: [Hawk] Are you or have you ever been a member of Cobra? Dan: [Cadet] No. Rick: [Hawk] Do you have your own gimmick weapon or code-name? Dan: [Cadet] Yes. Rick: [Hawk] Do you plan to overthrow the US Government? Dan: [Cadet] Yes. No! Damn, I always get that one wrong! > He is C. C., but he used to be called Dan: Simon Zinc-Trumpet Harris. > ...Cobra Commander! Rebecca: Hang on, you're letting Cobra Commander join the team on the basis of one test? Rick [CC]: Read my lips. No Evil Plans. Dan: ...You're wearing a mask. Tsuneo: I guess some politician decided they needed more team members from minority groups. > A snake slithered on to the stage. Rick: I guess the physical exam wasn't too harsh. Dan: Just wait till they try him out for a uniform. > Every single Joe's mouth fell open at once and they gasped. Rick [CC]: What? What? Haven't you ever seen a giant talking cobra before? Dan [Roadblock]: Damn, and my shrink said I was making progress. > Everything was silent until an extremely > loud sound of metal hitting metal. It was Specs. He had dropped a pin. Tsuneo: ...Was that meant to be funny? Dan: You got me. > General Hawk finished, "Meeting adjourned." Dan: [Hawk] Let the hazing commence! Rick: I'll get the paddle bats! Rebecca: I'll get the squid! > Later, at the barracks, Specs walked in. He looked around, and noticed that > there were two beds. Tsuneo: But if this was a barracks- Rebecca: Don't think about it. > He wondered who his new roommate would be. Tsuneo: Hoo boy. I can't imagine what crazy comedy hijinks are about to ensure. > Then he heard the voice from behind say, "Nice to see you. > Looks like new Joes get the same room. " Dan: [CC] I don't like it any more than you. > Specs looked behind him at C. C. Specs groaned. Rick: [Specs] I could have done anything. I could have been a white-haired scientist. I could have been a nameless extra. I could have been a third-world dictator. > He extended his hand. He said, "Shake hands." Tsuneo: Ouch. I can see this relationship's off to a flying start. > C. C. yelled, "Are you > making fun of me!" Specs apologized, "Sorry." He then walked to his bed and sat > down on it. Dan [Specs]: I call dibs on the bottom bunk. > He asked C. C., "Why did you want to join the Joes?" C. C. responded, Dan: [CC] Better health plan and more babes. > "There are many reasons. First, I realize know why I always lost. Dan [Specs]: Was it because your plans were stupid? Rick [CC]: No, besides that. Dan [Specs]: Was it because your men were constantly backstabbing you? Rick [CC]: That too. Dan [Specs]: Was it because you spent so much of your time trying to undermine Serpentor and not the GI Joe team? Rick [CC]: Oh forget it. > Good will always triumph over evil. Tsuneo: Until it reaches the appeals court, that is. > Those who wish to recreate the world in their own > image will always lose, while those who wish to defend truth, liberty, justice, > etc. Rick: Man, his speech is so dull not even he's finishing it. > Second, I hate Cobra La. I served them loyally, and they repaid me by > turning me into a snake. Dan: Something to do with your gross incompetence. > Third, I cannot pronounce the new motto of Cobra La." Rick: Yes he can! If you can pronounce the Cobra-La name, you can pronounce the motto. Dan: Hey, do you think Xena's got anything to do with that warcry of theirs? Rick: I think Cobra La is about the only thing she hasn't beat up yet. > Specs laughed. He then agreed, "Yeah. Mottos should be a big choice in who to > join. Dan: The problem is, he's serious. > I joined because I always serve truth and justice. Anyway let's go to bed." Rebecca [CC]: I'm not that kind of a snake. Tsuneo: Thanks for that. [He hits her with a cushion] > They both went to bed. Tsuneo: Let's stop reading this fic. Rick: They stopped reading this fic. Voice: No you don't! > End Part One > Mitchell the G. I. Joe: Mission Briefing > Specs got up out of his bed and yawned. He heard a speaker on the wall say, > "Specs and C. C. report to Meeting Room 8 for your first mission in 30 minutes. > Get in uniform first, however." Rick: Uniform? in GI Joe? Dan: The clothes his action figure is moulded with. Rick: oh. > Specs sighed and rushed into the bathroom to change into his uniform. Tsuneo: Is it worth asking what passes for Specs' uniform? Rick: A union jack waistcoat, boxer shorts and a trilby. Tsuneo: Obviously not. > C. C. was already slithering to the door. He had no > uniform, since he was a snake. Rick: Hey, that's speciesist! Did anyone ask him if he wanted one? Tsuneo: But how would he put it on? Rick: Oh sure, ruin all my fun. > At Meeting Room 8, Specs took a seat. He noticed > that Meeting Room 8 was simply a bunch of chairs and a wall with a view screen. Rebecca: Most meeting rooms are. > He also noticed that he was sitting next to Lt. Falcon. [Dan looks around nervously] Rick: [Specs] Hey, what's the matter? Dan: [Falcon] I'm a generic soldier introduced in the movie and voiced by a named star. I've got a horrible feeling that Larry doesn't like me. > Specs asked Lt. Falcon, "Hey, do you know why the meeting room is like this? Tsuneo [Falcon]: Staff cutbacks. From now on, they can't afford officers. > Also, how come you are > here when the announcement only asked for C. C. and I? Rebecca: Probably because they wanted someone mature and responsible to look after you loons. Dan: Falcon is mature and responsible? Rebecca: Relatively. > Lt. Falcon responded, "Good questions. Tsuneo: [Hawk] Questions come after the briefing. Any questions? > The meeting room was redesigned because > there are so many Joes; there are not enough superiors to brief us. Tsuneo: Say, uh, just how many officers are there in GI Joe anyway? Rebecca [Counts fingers]: four, from memory. Two lieutenants, a general and an admiral. Tsuneo: Their chain of command is screwed. > The view > screen will simply turn on and we will receive a briefing from a computer > program. Rick: Let's see, your primary objective is... "Fatal Exception Error". > As for the announcements, the announcement you heard went to your room > only. The announcement I heard went to my room only. That's all." > Just then, a voice said, "Lt. Falcon. Stop talking." Rick [Voice]: As a pseudo-celebrity, your VA gets paid by the line. > The briefing had started > without either Specs or Lt. Falcon noticing. Dan: I guess someone got rid of the windows start music. > Lt. Falcon stopped talking. The voice continued, Rebecca: [Voice] Now that I've got you all here, I'm sending you a fic entitled "Mitchell the GI Joe." Voice: Not me! Rebecca: Well you are sending us the fic. > "Now, back to the briefing. Dan: [Specs] Hang on, so they've got a computer that can account for interruptions and converse with us? Wow! Rick: [Falcon] Actually, it's pre-recorded to account for interruptions. It gets embarrassing at times. > We have yet to discover Cobra La's > current base, but we have discovered that they are developing a new weapon. Rebecca: The Huge Phallic Weapon of Doom, alias "Serpentor's Compensation". Dan: [Specs] So how do we know about the weapon? Rebecca: [Voice] Questions come after the briefing! > We are sending a small force consisting of Lt. Falcon's unit. Rick: [Falcon] I don't have a unit. Rebecca: [Voice] You do now. > Lt. Falcon's unit is the Rawhides, All: Rollin', rollin', rollin'... > Specs, and C. C. We are using C. C. on this mission because he > might know some pass codes or something. Tsuneo: This mission wasn't very well thought out, was it? Dan: No. Tsuneo: Anyone would think they were just looking for a creative way to reduce headcount. > Also, he is a useful shield in case of excessive gunfire." Tsuneo: Me and my big mouth. Rebecca: Why? It's not like anyone ever hits anything. > C. C. grumbled something. The voice continued, "The target > is a small laboratory located on the North Pole. Rick: [CC] Count me out. Dan: [Specs] How come? Rick: [CC] Ice. No legs. Think about it! > Also, a secondary mission objective is to check to see if Santa Claus is there." Rebecca: Taxpayers, this is where your money goes to. > Everyone groaned. The > voice added, "Oh, and in case you are wondering, Specs helped program me, call > me Voice. Rick: So that's who you really are! Voice: Am not! He's just stealing my shtick. Tsuneo: That would explain why it's an idiot. > General Hawk forgot to mention that Specs is a expert computer > programmer, expert hacker, munitions expert, expert marksman, and unique > inventor of non-traditional scientific devices." Tsuneo: He's also a... [Rolls a ten-sided dice] Rebecca: World champion kickboxer. Tsuneo: And a... [Rolls again] Rebecca: Nobel Prize winner for literature. Tsuneo: And a... [Rolls dice] Rebecca: Previously undiscovered species of Lemur. Tsuneo: I think we need to de-bug that table. > Specs interjected, "Will you just call me a mad scientist and get it over with. Rick: [Falcon] Do you have white hair and a lab coat? > I built a big castle in a deserted island and tried to create Pokemon." Rick: Well, at least he's not wasting his skills on frivolities. Rebecca: Big castle on an island? It wasn't snake-themed, was it? > Jinx asked, "Did it work? Did you manage to create Pokemon?" Dan [Specs]: No, but the messes were kind of amusing. > Specs answered, "Yes. They are currently guarding my island. Tsuneo: Warning! Trespassers will be Pikaed. > I named it after my real name. It is called Mitchell Island. Rebecca: He's so modest. > Oh, and before you ask, I honestly only want to help people, Tsuneo: Which is why I created fire-breathing monstrosities. > which is why I joined G. I. Joe. I just call myself > a mad scientist because I make crazy inventions. Dan [Specs]: Some of my greatest inventions are the Doodad, the Thingamajig and the combination Doohickey/Whatchamacallit. > I accidentally exposed myself to some radiation, Dan [Falcon]: Do you mind moving over a seat? Rick [CC]: Something in the room glowed all night and kept me awake. I wondered what it was. > and shocked myself, and got burnt by a Charmander, and got > knocked off my castle roof, though. Dan: This sounds like my mornings. > Luckily, I landed in some plants I made just for the occasion. Tsuneo: So you made some plants just in case you got shot out your own window? Rebecca: Folks, this is what happens when science goes bad. > They look like trampolines, but their pollen made me swell up like a balloon. Dan: So... you designed plants to give you an allergic reaction? Tsuneo: I don't think this guy has a clue what he's doing. > I joined G. I. Joe because I figured it would be safer." Rick: Less chance of being hurt, for starters. > The voice interrupted, "Can I continue now. Tsuneo: [Falcon] Nope. We're going to natter on endlessly. > I need to go over some more stuff. Rick: [Voice] Nothing important, just "stuff." > You are to sneak into the laboratory however you can. Rick: Pretending to be a pizza delivery boy works. Dan: And if that doesn't? Rick: Put Lady Jane and Scarlett in minitops and tight shorts, and try again. > When you get in, you are > to find a computer terminal so Specs can hack into their main database and > download everything he can find that might be of interest. Dan [Specs]: Zarana in the shower... Damn, I'm keeping this one. > Then, you are to > find some way to blow the place to smithereens and turn all those cold-blooded > reptiles." Rebecca: Um, did we miss half a sentence there? Tsuneo: No, hw wants them turned into a full stop. > C. C. glared at the wall, which had been showing visual aids > throughout the entire presentation. Rick: It had illustrating the whole plan with clipped footage from Godzilla movies. > The voice apologized, "Sorry. No offense to you, C. C. Dan: Remind me, why exactly did they hire him? Rick: They needed someone to poke fun at. > Anyway, before you destroy the facility, remember to find an escape route. Tsuneo: Can't you just go out the way you came in? Rick: Yeah, but it's less dramatic. Rebecca: Well, if you're looking for a way out after you blow it up, you're doing something wrong. > If you can, bring us the weapon so we can look at it. Dan: We don't know what it is, but we want a look at it anyway. Rebecca: Bad luck if it's an anti-city supergun or something. > Briefing end." The lights dimmed and the place returned to normal." Tsuneo: Weren't they already dimmed? Dan: [Specs] I've gone blind! I've gone blind! > On the way out, Jinx asked Specs, Rebecca: [Jinx] When did I arrive in this briefing room anyway? > "Can I have a Dratini and a Charmander. I am > a bit of a Pokemon fan, and I like those Pokemon." > Specs said, "Sure. I am perfectly willing to give a few Pokemon to someone I > like." Tsuneo: Don't the Pokemon get a say in it? Dan: Do they ever? Tsuneo: Good point. Let's move on. > Lt. Falcon asked, "Can I have a Pikachu and a Pidgey." Rick: Good thing Duke's dead, or else he'd be ribbed about being a Pokemon fan for years. Tsuneo: Hang on a second, this is 1987! Where are they getting Pokemon from? > Specs said, "Sure." > C. C. asked, "Can I have a Ekans." > Specs responded, "No. I don't like you." Rick [CC]: Can I have a Pikachu then? Dan [Specs]: Why'd you want one of them? Rick [CC]: Small fluffy rodent. Snake. Go figure. Dan [Specs]: No. Rick [CC]: How about a Black WarGreymon? Dan [Specs]: No! > Everyone laughed. > Then they headed out on the mission that would change the > life of one of them. Forever. Rebecca: Meaning that someone Larry doesn't like will get blown up. Preferably Specs. Tsuneo: I'll bite, what's with this "People Larry doesn't like" thing? Rebecca: Larry Hamma, the writer of the GI Joe comic and the filecards for the figures made it clear what characters he liked and didn't like. Ones he didn't like usually got killed off, quickly, often by the ones he liked. > End Part Two > Mitchell the G. I. Joe-Mission: Disaster Tsuneo: Ie: the fic. > Specs looked at the laboratory. It was near the North Pole. He shivered. It > was cold. Tsuneo: The way he writes. I love it. Really. > Everyone was wearing Cold-Weather gear, even C. C. His is custom > designed, however. Specs' is not. Rebecca: It was so cold, everyone was shifting tense unexpectedly. > He realized there was only one way to get > in, unless you wanted to use the main entrance. Using the main entrance > never works. Tsuneo: Who *is* this guy? Dan: You could pretend to be a door to door leather salesman. Tsuneo: In the north pole? Dan: Leather and furs. > Specs' said, "We will have to go in the traditional way. We go in through > the air vents. Rebecca: For crying out loud, it's always the air vents! Can't you guys do anything original? > They also have heating systems." C. C. added, "We will have > to be careful, though. Cobra, and Cobra La, heating systems have > flamethrowers in them that go off at predictable intervals. They activate > every ten minutes, starting at midnight." > Specs asked, "Why not have the flamethrowers on all the time?" Rick: Because they can't afford it. > C. C. answered, "Umm. That is a good question. Oh wait, it would eventually > raise the temperature so much, all of Cobra, or Cobra La, would die a > painful, horrid death." Tsuneo: Well there you go, guys, there's a way to get rid of them for good quickly and easily. Rebecca: Yes, but that doesn't lend itself well to an on going series. > Lt. Falcon interrupted, "That is enough. Let's just enter the duct and be > careful." Everyone agreed. Rick: [Falcon] Specs, you lead. > Inside the facility, Lt. Falcon, Jinx, and the rest of the unit Rick: Say, who is the rest of the team? They've never been mentioned even once. Rebecca: Do you think it's important? Rick: No, but I'd like to know for posterity. > dropped > out of an air vent, except for C. C. Seconds later, the flamethrowers > activated. C. C. came flying out with his tail on fire. Everyone laughed. Tsuneo: COMEDY! Rick: I almost feel sorry for the guy. > Lt. Falcon commanded, "We need to split us into two groups. Rick: [Falcon] Goup one, entitled "operation sweet lovin'" will consist of Jinx and myself. Group two will consist of everyone else, and be entitled "operation disposable extras." Dan: [Specs] His leadership fills me with confidence. > I will be > paired with Jinx, Specs, and C. C in Group One. Everyone else will be > in Group Two. Let's go." Dan: Named characters to the left, throwaways to the right. Rick: The other group consists of Crankcase, Doc, Heavy Metal and Thunder. Unfortunately, there's a SAW Viper down there. > Group One was sneaking along when Specs saw something. Dan [Specs]: Who is that ravishingly handsome man over there? Oh, wait, it's just my reflection. Silly me. > He tapped Lt. Falcon's > shoulder and whispered, "There is a computer terminal over there. I think I > can hack into it and find out what we need to know. Can I?" Dan: [Specs] Can I, can I, please dad, huh, can I, huh? > Lt. Falcon whispered back, "Do it." > Specs went to the computer terminal. He immediately saw that the computer > system was out of date. Rick: Well what do you expect, this is 1987. > He hacked into it easily. Rebecca: Somebody left their secret password on a sticky note on the side of the PC... again. > He noticed that there was > a map of the entire facility, with a "You are here" icon. Tsuneo: It's the tourist-friendly lair of evil. > The laboratory > used for experiments, and Dr. Mindbender's room, was the third door on > the right if you head north from this terminal. He told this to Lt. Falcon. Rick: [Falcon] Any info on the big weapon? Dan: [Specs] No, but I found a mint in box Giant Vamp. Rebecca: Well that was obscure. > Lt. Falcon ordered, "Fine, let's get to the laboratory." > Soon Group Two was at the door to the laboratory. Specs opened the door, Tsuneo: And ran back to group one, where he was meant to be. > and saw Dr. Mindbender. The doctor was working on some evil experiment. Rick [Mindbender]: I'm going to trap a Temp-Viper on a satellite high above the earth and force him to watch crappy movies until he goes mad! Dan: The experiment was ruined, however, when he built himself a pair of wise-cracking BATs. > Dr. Mindbender turned around and saw the Joes. He yelled, "Mitchell! You > joined the G. I. Joes! You always were the odd one." Rebecca: ...This is coming form the guy wearing a cape, suspenders and no shirt. > Specs, whose real name was Mitchell, All: We know that. > laughed, "Dr. Mindbender. Rick: Even you don't know his real name. > I knew > you would never become very successful. Working as a henchman for > Golobulus I see. Any mad scientist with self-respect would be an > independent agent. Rick [Mindbender]: On the other hand, the pay's good, the hours great and I hang around chicks in tight black leather. Dan [Specs]: Say, um, where do you join up? > Oh, I go by Specs now. G. I. Joes use codenames." > Jinx asked, "You know Dr. Mindbender? How?" Rebecca: They went to the same high school. There's a photo from their yearbook showing mindbender with an Afro. > Specs answered, "We went to Mad Scientist School together. Dan [Specs]: He did "Evil Dentistry" while I majored in "Tampering in God's Domain". > He went to > school later in his life. He also got held back a few years. I was > better at him in everything, despite his higher age." Tsuneo: Naturally, the SI Is better than the normal characters at everything. Dan: Well, he is comparing himself to Cobra Staff. > Dr. Mindbender responded, "Maybe you had better grades, but I more > truly show the ideals of a mad scientist. Brains, creativity, mental > power..." Tsuneo: The German accent and monocle are added bonuses. > Specs finished, "Insanity, megalomania, lack of a soul." Rebecca: The true hallmarks of a successful mad scientist. > Dr. Mindbender countered, "Maybe so, but did you invent anything like > this!" Tsuneo: Finally, we get back to the plot. > He revealed what he had been working on. Rick: A combination blender/microwave. It reduces meals to unidentifiable messes faster than you can believe. > It was a dart gun. Tsuneo: Very impressive, Mindbender. Any idiot can do that. > It > didn't look like it carried normal darts, though. It looked like it > carried... Rick: Red Cordial! Rebecca: What's that going to do? Rick: Well, it gets the Joes so hyper they run around the landscape and knock themselves out by bashing into things. Rebecca: That makes no sense whatsoever, so I'll agree. > "Spores. Yes this is a powerful weapon that can shoot out mutational > spores. Dan: This is gonna sound stupid and all, but given that the spores work through exposure and something, wouldn't building them into a sprayer be more effective, because you could get more enemies at once with it? Rebecca: Dan, once in a while you actually think and it scares me. > Golobulus might be unable to use them for world-take-over, Tsuneo: Why not? > but he can use them to destroy all of you puny Joes. Dan: [Dr. Mindbender] I'm going to turn you all into filthy apes! Although for some this will be an improvement. > I only have this one > prototype, but soon all his troops will use them. Do you have anything > better than this?" Mindbender stated. Rebecca: A real gun that kills people dead rather than merely turning them into monkeys? Tsuneo: Besides that, I mean. Rick: Dr Mindbender latter got a job designing viruses for Twinkle Maria Murdoch. > Specs answered, "Well, I built a Dimensional Portal and real Pokemon. > Is that good enough?" Rebecca: Hey, nerk-features. If you're so damned smart, why don't you just build a machine to turn CC back to his normal self? Tsuneo: What, and loose his whipping boy? Rick: And Mindbender did invent a cloning machine which was used to bring him back to life. Let's see you top that. > Dr. Mindbender yelled, "How dare you taunt me! Eat this!" Dan: [Specs] I thought they were injected. Rick: [Dr. Mindbender] No, it's a dramatic figure of speech. Rebecca: Who wants to see specs get hit with a projectile squid? > He fired the > weapon sending a dart filled with mutational spores directly at Specs. > It hit him in the shoulder, and injected them with the spores! Rick & Dan: Shoulder shot! > Dr. Mindbender laughed, "What are you going to do know? Rebecca: Learn to spell. > Pity it takes > a while longer for the spores to work when injected into the blood > stream, but soon you will be a puny animal, like Cobra CommandERK!" > C. C. had sneaked up on Dr. Mindbender and bit him. Tsuneo: You know, if you paid more attention to what was going on and wasted less time ranting, this wouldn't happen. Rick: Shoulda laid off the insults there, bud. > Dr. Mindbender > ran out of the room, dropping the prototype. Cobras are very > poisonous. Cobra did have the anti-venom, but it was in Medical. > Specs, who looked pale, staggered over to the gun, and pocketed > it. Dan: Say, what are Falcon and Jinx doing while all this is happening? Rebecca: Oh, I don't know. Getting it on? > He then went to Dr. Mindbender's computer, typed in a few > commands, and then turned around to Lt. Falcon. Specs reported, > "This place will blow in twenty minutes. That is the longest > self-destruct I can give us. Dan: Shouldn't you clear this kind of thing with the CO first? Rick: You're looking for decisive leadership from Falcon? Rebecca: [Computer voice] Three minutes to base destruction. Rick: [Falcon] Okay. Let's... go. > We better get out of..." He fell > unconscious to the floor, with Jinx and Lt. Falcon, who had > been behind him and unable to react. Dan: What happened? Rick: He fell into a deep coma. > End Part Three Tsuneo: So what was the second team doing all this time? Rebecca: Sitting around drinking beers with Cobra second-stringers. > Mitchell the G. I. Joe-The Plot Thickens Tsuneo: Replace the "Th" with "S" and you'd be right. > Specs awoke in a hospital bed. He was in the G. I. Joe Infirmary. He > saw Doc looking over him. Rick: [Doc] Son, are you meant to have a tail? Dan: [CC] Let's see how you like it now! > Specs asked, "What happened? Last thing I > remember was setting the lab to explode. Then I blacked out. What > happened?" Tsuneo [Doc]: You asked me what happened twice. > Doc responded, "You asked me what happened twice, for one thing. Tsuneo: ... Rick: This fic is doing half our work for us. I should leave. > Second, your team managed to get you out of the base before it > exploded." Rebecca: Well, if they didn't, you wouldn't be here, so it's a safe assumption. > Specs asked, "Um, I was exposed to the spores, wasn't I? I don't > think I mutated yet, but will I?" Rick: Hang on, this is sounding like an origin story. [He gets out a notepad, and starts writing] > Doc responded, "From what I can tell, you did not mutate, you are > not mutating, and you will not mutate. Tsuneo: Excellent use of grammar! Give the man a gold star. Rick: You were exposed to the spores, but you did not inhale. > I don't understand it." Rebecca: He made a successful saving throw. > Specs smiled. He said, "I think I do. I need you to get my blood > samples from my last military physical, and compare the DNA in it to > your own." > Doc was confused, Dan: He's not the only one. I can't make head or tail of this. Tsuneo: Specs is busy proving how he knows more than anyone else on the base. > but he did as asked. He said, "They are not even > close to similar. Why did you want me to do that?" Dan: [Specs] Well it's a laugh, innit? > Specs shook his head. He said, "I did not mean compare the part that > changes from man to man, compare the entire thing." > Doc was still confused, but he did. He exclaimed, "Hey! There are a > few strands of DNA that are different, but they are in the part of the > DNA that never changes from man to man. How could that be?" Rebecca: Because he's a freak of nature. > Specs exclaimed, "When I was exposed to some radiation when I was a > mad scientist, it mutated a few strands. Rebecca: Didn't you declare this on your medical form when you signed up? Rick: They had no column for "webbed toes". > Nothing happened. Dan: What? No hulking monster form? No energy blasts? No sticking to walls? What kind of a crummy radiation accident was that? > The strands must not actually DO anything. Rick: Actually, that strand determines if you remember to put the toilet seat down. Rebecca: In Dan, it's actually absent. > Apparently, the spores were stopped > because those strands had to be mutated for the spores to work. The > spores could not mutate them because they are already mutated." Rebecca: ...Which doesn't make much sense, actually. He could just go on re-mutating. Dan: Does this mean that he ends up as a 600 pound furry blue cat? > Doc said, "Well, I'll just take a blood sample, then you can go to > your room." Rick [Doc]: And don't come down until you've stopped glowing. > Doc took the blood sample, and Specs went back to his room. Rebecca: It had since been redecorated in a pseudo-Egyptian snake motif. > Doc took > the blood sample for analysis, but he found out that there was nothing > wrong. He did discover a couple more mutated strands, but nothing was > happening, so he dismissed them. Tsuneo: Well this is exactly the change I was looking for, so I'll ignore it. Rick: [Doc] According to this, all his kids will be green. > In Specs' room, Specs sat down in bed. He felt a bit tired. He also > noticed that C. C. was looking disappointed. He asked C. C., "Why are > you disappointed. Rick: [CC] I was once a man! Figure it out for yourself! > C. C. responded, "You are not mutating. I was hoping that you would > mutate into something, Rick [CC]: Preferably small and fluffy. > and I would have a friend." Rick: [CC] Or lunch. > Specs told C. C., "Just because two people are different on the outside > doesn't mean that they can't be friends. Tsuneo: No, it's when one carries on like a total jerk that does it. > What is on the outside rarely affects what is on the inside. Tsuneo: Unless you're exothermic, like he is. > Except with spores. The spores turn you > into what you are inside. Rebecca: So all people are hairy monkeys inside? [Looks at Dan] Forget it. > When you were Cobra Commander, you were a > snake. In fact, you were a cobra, so you became a cobra. Rebecca: No, he became a cobra because, as a citizen of Cobra-La, he's descended from snakes. > Me, my personality resembles a cat's. I am curious, a bit of a loner, > very agile, Rick: Constantly coughing up hairballs, shredding curtains and running up and down the hallway for no apparent reason. > and like cats. Rick [CC]: I Like cats too. Especially the small ones. Dan [Specs]: Will you get off that? Rick [CC]: Look, I'm a snake. I've got different needs. > The spores would probably make me a cat. > Anyway, just because people look different does not mean they can't be > friends. You are really a nice guy at heart. Being turned into a snake > was apparently good for you, at least mentally." Rick: Well, that explains why he spent half the movie going around in circles going "once was a man" to himself. Dan: Can you say that again in your CC voice? Rick [CC]: Once... wassss... a man... Dan: Sweet. I'll always remember you like that. Rick: What? Dan: Er, nothing. > C. C. had fallen asleep. Tsuneo: Man, you are dull. > It was already night. Specs sighed, and he > fell asleep. He felt tired for some reason. Rebecca: He flew to the north pole, ran around inside a secret lair of evil, got shot at and flew back. Of course he's tired. > Meanwhile, the full moon was beginning to rise. Tsuneo: This is when all the loonies come out. What am I saying, they're out already. > Late that night, Doc was working late. The gun that Specs had in his > pocket, the one he stole from Dr. Mindbender, still contained some > spores, so Doc had to analyze them. Rebecca: Better be mighty careful with those. Tsuneo [Doc]: It's okay, I'm wearing gloves. > He had just finished, and was > going to check on Specs' blood sample. He had left it in a vial near > the window. He looked at it and saw that the blood sample had mutated! Dan: His blood had turned blue and furry? Rick: Better believe it. > Doc looked out the window, and saw the full moon. He realized that the > full moon caused the mutation. He didn't know why, but he had to figure > it out. Then he realized. Rebecca: [Doc] According to this, he's turning into Chewbacca the Wookie. Rick: No, not Chewie! No! [He sobs quietly] Dan: Er, Rick, you okay? Rick: I'll be fine. [Muttered] Why not take Jar Jar Smegging Binks instead? > If Specs blood samples were mutating, could > that mean Specs is also mutating, or will shortly? Tsuneo: It would be pretty funny if he didn't. Rebecca: [Doc] No wait, that was my yoghurt. So what did I just eat? > End Part Four > Mitchell the G. I. Joe-The Transformation and Aftermath > While Doc was analyzing Spec's blood samples and coming to these > startling realizations, Specs was wide awake. He couldn't get to sleep, > and he had no idea why. Dan: Cobra Commander talks in his sleep. Rick: zzz... a man... once... zzz... > He looked out the window and saw the full moon. Suddenly, he felt weird. Rebecca: He got this feeling whenever he had naughty thoughts about his action figures. > He sat down. His arm began itching. He looked at it. It was growing fur! Dan [Specs]: Puberty, at last! > Specs gasped. The spores must be working. Rebecca: Don't be so excited. > His > ears felt weird. Specs felt them, and he noticed that they were changing > form and moving to the top of his head. He realized what kind of ears > they were. Rick: Bunny ears. How embarrassing. Rebecca: [Specs] This can't be happening to me. I'll look terrible in fishnets. > They were cat ears. Well, he suspected as much. He knew that > if he mutated, it would be into a cat. Tsuneo: So what, he planned for his own sudden mutation? Rick: You'd be surprised who does. > Specs heard a ripping sound. He had gained a tail. Rebecca: And lost his pants, form the look of things. > The fur was completely covering him by now. Dan: And he was beginning to shed. > He then felt his teeth. His canines had > become fangs. He also realized that his hands were changing form. They > had become more paw-like, and Specs had gained retractable claws. Cool. Tsuneo: [Specs] I can't hold anything. > His feet had also changed. His face turned into a small snout, his nose > changed into a cat nose, and the changes stopped. Dan: What do you know, he *is* a 600 pound furry blue cat. > Specs looked in a nearby mirror. He looked like he was stuck halfway > between human and cat. Rebecca: So he had to call the roadside evolution assistance. > His eyes were now green and slitted. His ears > were on the top of his head, and he was covered in fur. Not only that, > but his face was different. Specs had a small snout, and his canines > were fangs. Rick: We said all this. Dan: Well, in case you'd forgotten. > Not only that, but he had retractable claws. This was bad. Rebecca: You think that's bad? Hunting season starts tomorrow and GI Joe has a lot of rednecks. > He decided to find Doc. > Meanwhile, Doc was in the medical area. Tsuneo: Don't you ever sleep? Rick: Why? It's not like anyone on this team ever gets hurt. > He was worried about the mutating > DNA. The DNA did not match any DNA ever seen. It looked like a cross > between human and cat. Tsuneo: Because they've got completely different chromosome numbers. Thank you! Rick: [Doc] If I hack a few more off, I can turn him into a frog. > At least it had stopped mutating. Apparently, > this version did not mutate as much as the version that affected C. C. > However, the spores were the same. Specs must have different enough DNA > to change the mutation. Rebecca: Well, given that CC's a reptile and Specs' a mammal, that may count as different enough. > Doc wondered if he should get Specs and see if he was okay. Dan: Is he ever? > Just then, there was a knock on the door. Spec's voice said, "Hey, Doc, > I have a bit of a problem." All: We know. > Doc went to open the door. As he approached it, he said, "Good you are > here, Specs. I just want to warn you. You may mutate for some reason. I > think it is the full moon." Doc opened the door. > Specs said, "I know. Good to know what caused the mutation though, but > how do I fix it?" > Doc said, "I have no idea. I think the full moon caused it." Dan: [Doc] Did I mention it's the full moon? It's the full moon, you know. Might be the full moon. something to do with the moon being full. [Rebecca hits him with a cushion] Thanks. I got stuck there for a second. > Specs responded, "You mean like werewolves and werecats in fiction?" > Doc said, "Yeah. Except you are obviously not a crazy, insane, beast > thing. Dan [Doc]: At least not any more than normal. > Anyway, I think I should perform a few tests on you. Don't worry, > this won't hurt a bit." Rebecca [Doc]: Now turn around and take our pants off. > Later, Specs was in much pain. Rick: Nicely called, Rebecca. > He said, "Wouldn't hurt a bit huh. Hey > what time is it?" Doc said, "Oh, its about morning." The sun rose. > Suddenly, Specs returned to normal. Tsuneo: Well that was pointless. > Specs said, "Hey, I'm back to normal. > Maybe lack of the full moon causes me to return to normal." > Doc revealed, "True, but look at these samples. Tsuneo: Now remind me, how many cells are single-celled organisms meant to have? Rick: [Doc] One of these samples was washed with Big Kev's, the other was washed with brand X. Can you tell the difference? Dan: [Specs] I don't know, but I'm excited! Rebecca: Now that's obscure, folks. > I exposed them to adrenaline, and they have not returned to normal. Tsuneo: Any reason? Rick: It's a laugh. > Maybe, adrenaline > also triggers the transformation? Wait, they returned to normal. Must > still be temporary. Think we should tell everyone else?" > Specs thought for a minute. "Nah. Let's just keep this our little secret. Dan: Gonna be a bit hard to explain in the middle of practice. > Okay." Doc nodded, and Specs went back to his room to get some sleep. [The TV switches off] Tsuneo: The voice is losing it. Rebecca: Oh, you only say that now? Dan: Excuse me, but- Voice: So can I have your reviews, please? Rebecca: Okay, but I don't think you want them. Tsuneo: This is one of those far too common fics where you've really got to wonder why it was written in the first place. It's nothing but a glorified origin story, featuring elements that really don't fit into continuity: Pokemon, werewolves and so on. The SI is of course ridiculously good at everything, but what's so new about that? Dan: I've gotta say, the characters were really shallow. I mean, it's got Mitchell who's a smug git, Falcon who just answers his questions, and CC who's only there to complain. No-one else really does anything, except Dr. Mindbender and even his scene is paper-thin. Rick: You know, some descriptions or explanations would have been nice in this fic. The whole "Cobra Base" bit is done in as minimal detail as possible, heck, we don't even know who the other half of the team is. Personally I thought they were a figment of Falcon's imagination. Rebecca: Hang on a minute, I need a visual aid for my review [She reaches into the bag, and pulls out a RiD Megatron. She opens the box and transforms it into Giga-Hand mode, then gives the TV the Giga-Bird.] Rick: You've got a Gigatron? Cool. Tsuneo: Well, I had Devil Gigatron long before any of you guys did. Rebecca: This one has all the Devil Gigatron modes and superior construction, plus a black and purple paint scheme. Tsuneo: Damn. Dan: EXCUSE ME! [They all stare at him] Sorry, but there's something I need to say and, uh... I think we need a bit of privacy. Rebecca: Ah. [She pulls out an immense handgun and shoots out the speaker on the roof] Go ahead. Dan: The voice is trying to kill Rick! Rick: Say... what? Rebecca: Are you sure of that, Dan? Dan: Well, I got here early, and overheard the voice talking about killing someone off. Whoever it was keeps missing experiments and is noisy, disruptive and never contributes. So I figured it had to be you, Rick. Rick: Sounds like me. Tsuneo: We need to get you out of here, Rick. Rebecca: And fast. Rick: Sure, but how? I can't fly! Dan: Hang on, I've got something! [He dives behind the couch] Let's see... evil black Furby, Super Crushing Press (slightly used), dismembered robot arm, kendo stick (also slightly used), prototype Raiu action figure, Battle Nun Arabella figure (in obscene pose), Transformers the Movie (uncut)... Aha! Rick: What have you got? [Dan leaps up from behind the couch with a wooden box labelled HAMDINGERS] Rick: A box? Dan: It's an escape pod. Rick: Will it work? Rebecca: I don't know, but it'll be fun finding out. [She grabs Rick. Dan and Tsuneo open the box lid, and Rebecca stuffs Rick into it] Tsuneo: We'll miss you. It won't be the same. Dan: But he's almost never here. It's not like there's going to be any difference. [Rebecca slugs him in the arm] Rick: Thanks, I think. Rebecca: Ready to go? Rick: Uh, yeah. Rebecca: Good. [She nails the lid back on. The box blasts off through a *closed* window and shoots off over the horizon] Rebecca: There goes a stupid man. Tsuneo: There's something more important though. With Rick gone, we need a fourth reviewer. Dan: Where are we gonna get one of those? Rebecca: I could see if any of the Octagon guys are- Tsuneo: No. Rebecca: But- Tsuneo: NO! Dan: Hey, what about the B-Team? We've worked with them before. Tsuneo: You're saying we promote one of the B-Team to regular duty? Rebecca: Well it makes sense. We've got a pre-established reserve, so we might as well use it. Tsuneo: But which one? Dan: I say Celena. She was hot. [Rebecca slugs him again] Tsuneo: I think the best thing to do would have a try-out process. We invite each of them around for one experiment and evaluate their performances. Whoever we're the happiest with gets the job. Rebecca: Works for me. Dan: Makes sense. Rebecca: We'll need to organise this, call people, make lists... but I think we can all agree on what we need to do first. Tsuneo: Have a drink? Rebecca: A big one. Dan: Several of them. Rebecca: Exactly. [They leave. The screen goes blank] --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) & Jinas (jinas@elmerstudios.com) Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1995-2001 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1994-2001 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova Satori shrine, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp, all in one big steaming pile. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > I accidentally exposed myself to some radiation, > and shocked myself, and got burnt by a Charmander, and got > knocked off my castle roof, though.