Elmer Studios presents...
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Episode 135 brings us a load of palette-swapped crossover goodness in the
Form of a Mortal Kombat/Street Fighter/Tomb Raider crossover.

Street Fighter is copyright Capcom.
Mortal Kombat is copyright Midway.
Tomb Raider is copyright Eidos Interactive.
Street Kombat Raiders is copyright some guy named James.
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[The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation
in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video
recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small
kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk,
home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver
Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. There is a small,
battered artificial Christmas tree next to the computer, looking for all the
world like it has been trodden on.]

[Tsuneo, Rebecca and Dan enter, talking]

Tsuneo: ...so anyway, every time I tried to call him back, his phone was
engaged.
Rebecca: Even though he said it was urgent?
Dan: Well, yeah, but I was busy.
Tsuneo: And what's so urgent about borrowing five bucks for a slurpee?
Dan: It was a hot day.

[Tsuneo shakes his head]

Rebecca: So what were you doing with your phone line engaged for three days?
Dan: I've been getting into anime music videos, so I was downloading a whole
load of them.
Rebecca: For three days?
Dan: Well, it wouldn't have been so long, but a user named l33chViper33 kept
cancelling my downloads.

[Rebecca whistles innocently]

Tsuneo: And this has held your attention for so long?
Dan: Hell yeah. I was thinking of making some of my own.
Tsuneo: Save us.
Dan: Anything you guys want me to put together for you?
Tsuneo: Hmm... How about an EVA-
Dan & Rebecca: Seen it.
Tsuneo: But you didn't even know what I was going to say.
Rebecca: Doesn't matter. EVA's been put to everything.
Tsuneo: Okay then. What about Weird Al's-
Dan & Rebecca: Seen it.
Tsuneo: Same deal? [They nod] Fine. Okay, well if you had one of the millions
of Mortal Kombat themes-
Dan & Rebecca: Seen it.
Tsuneo: Oh, forget it. So what were you planning, Dan?
Dan: I was going to dig up my old Plastic Little tape, and mix it to Aqua's
'Barbie Girl.'
Tsuneo: Well that's an oddly critical and sarcastic move for you, Dan.
Dan: Eh?
Tsuneo: What with 'Barbie Girl' being a parody of the valley girl lifestyle,
and with Plastic Little so full of pointless exploitation...
Dan: Come again?
Tsuneo: That was why you were going to do it, wasn't it?
Dan: Hell, I just thought those girls were hot.
Tsuneo: I hate you.
Dan: So what'd you do, Rebecca?
Rebecca: Well, given that most everything I like has been done to death
as an AMV, I thought I'd go for something different. I'd use the opening
theme to the GI Joe movie, to footage of Diamond Force, Emerald Force and
Sound Force from Macross 7.
Tsuneo: Say... what?
Rebecca: Yeah... Okay, this is my idea. It starts with the Winged Minibus
of Doom-
Dan: The Winged minibus of What?!
Rebecca: Gepunich's flagship.
Dan: Fine. Carry on.
Rebecca: Well ,the WMoD dispenses hordes of fighters that blow stuff up.
Then the good guys attack, and they have a fight. At the end, Gigle
shouts "Cobra, retreat!" and, well, that's it.
Tsuneo: I see.
Rebecca: I think I might have a creative vision.
Dan: You're a looney.

[A woman enters the apartment. She is tall and slightly muscular, with pale
skin, shoulder-length shaggy black hair and deep blue eyes. Her most
distinctive feature is a cross-shaped scar over her right eye. She is
wearing a black combat suit and a black leather trenchcoat.]

Woman: Ah, 'scuse me, but is this the Elmer Studios Torture Theatre.
Rebecca: Sure is. And you are?
Dan: The president of the Aeryn Sun fashion club?
Woman: Ha ha. You just rock my world with your oh so witty and insightful
comments. Tool.
Rebecca: I like her.
Tsuneo: Sorry about him, he's always like that. Could you tell us a bit
about yourself?
Sandra: Sure. My name is Sandra Blackmore. I'm a Street Samurai from a
Kazei 5 play-by-e-mail campaign.
Dan: You're from K5? Cool! You ever work with Marta or Ling Ling?
Sandra: Uh, yes.
Dan: Any... "intimate moments?"
Sandra: Is he always this much of a tool?
Rebecca: Yes.
Sandra: Well, once again I have wandered blindly into a job where I am
going to be in the company of morons. I suppose I should be thankful
that nobody will be shooting at me here.
Tsuneo: Wait until the review starts and then you might change your
mind.
Sandra: Is it really that bad?
Rebecca: It depends on what the Voice has dug up for us today, but
usually, yes.
Sandra: "The voice?" Are we working for John Farnham?
Dan: Naw, it's some disembodied voice thing. But we call him voice,
or anything that comes to mind.
Sandra: So have you ever seen him?
Dan: Well... no... but we read some fics he wrote once. They were
shocking.
Sandra [Muttered]: Right now I could be relaxing at home, bitching at
the universe to a blue-skinned woman instead of being here...
Voice: Good morning, everyone.
Rebecca: And good morning to you, Gavil.
Sandra: So our boss is a gay monster with angel wings in tight shorts?
Rebecca: It's an amusing mental image, but no. It's just something I
do.
Sandra: You insult your boss?
Rebecca: All the time.
Sandra: Cool.
Voice: If we're finished carrying on...
Tsuneo: Do we ever?
Dan: I think we've gone whole minutes ignoring the voice.
Tsuneo: Can you blame us?
Voice: As I was saying, I've got something different for you guys today.
All except Sandra: Oh dear.
Sandra: Bad?
Tsuneo: When the voice says "different" he usually means "Frelled up
beyond all recognition"
Sandra: Tool.
Tsuneo: So what is it today?
Voice: I've got a Mortal Kombat/Street Fighter/Tomb Raider crossover
today called "Street Kombat Raiders".
Sandra: Gee, a Mortal Kombat/Street Fighter crossover. Who hasn't done
that?
Dan: I did that with my SF and MK figures when I was a kid. They had a
huge fight, then Snake Eyes came along, killed a few palette-swap ninjas
and used the Ariskange mind-set on Goro.
Tsuneo: Uh, Dan, when those figures came out, you were about twenty.
Dan: Uhh...

[They sit, Rebecca and Sandra on the forwards-facing couch, Tsuneo and Dan
on the other one. Sandra and Dan are closest on the corners]

Sandra: Rules?
Rebecca: Full-contact riffing with no holds barred.
Sandra: Bring it on.

[The TV switches on]

> Street Kombat Raiders

> By James

> **The Street Fighter arena was crowded with fighters.

Rebecca: Do they fight in arenas?
Tsuneo: No.
Rebecca: So what is this place?
Tsuneo: In defiance of the Street Fighter world.

> The first fight was about to begin and everyone was excited.

Dan: Sagat will be taking on R. Mika. She is so dead.

> The bleachers were packed;

Sandra: And Billy Dee Williams was the only real person there. 

> the fighters were in their stances, and Gill, the boss of the
> tournament watched from his vantage point in the box.

Dan: [Gill] It's good to be the king!

> Suddenly, his phone rang and he answered it.

Sandra: Sir, there's fans on the line who want to know why you
don't wear clothes.
Dan: [Bison] I want my tournament back!

> The fight would not begin until the
> fighters had his full attention,

Sandra: So what, they just stood in the ring for hours?

> so they waited.

Rebecca: At that point Springer came on, and the day was wasted.

> After a few minutes,
> they heard his strong voice booming over the loudspeaker.

Tsuneo: [Gill] Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?

> The crowd groaned with impatience, awaiting his announcement.**

Dan: The crowd's getting ugly.
Sandra: These are Street Fighter fans. They're always ugly.

> Gill: Warriors, I am afraid that we have a change of plans.

Rebecca: [Gill] We will be holding the Street Fighter tournament on
the street!
Tsuneo: [Gill] The tournament has been reformatted into a card tournament.
Report to the labs for super-deforming.

> Due to extenuating circumstances,

Sandra: In case you hadn't noticed, the arena's sunk.

> we will not be holding a Street fighter tournament this year.

Rebecca: [Gill] Instead, we will be staging a production of 'The Sound
of Music.'

> Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> Gill: Before you all get disgusted and leave,

Sandra: They all got disgusted and left.

> let me explain. Meet me in the mess hall for a conference. 

> Chun-Li: What a gyp!!! This is bullshit!! 

Sandra: And gee, we're stil in the first scene too.

> Ryu: In all my years here, this has never happened.

Dan: [Ryu] Come on, I want to beat people up and steal the show again.

> Chun-Li: Well, we might as well go see what's up. I took 2 weeks off
> of work and now I got nothing to do.

Dan: So have a holiday instead!
Rebecca: [Chun Li] I took time off being a policewoman to beat people up.
The only difference is this time I don't have to file a report.

> **The fighters assembled in the mess hall.

Tsuneo: Blanka was raiding the fridge.
Dan: [Blanka] Ho boy! Dog food!
Rebecca: Instead of throwing fireballs, they decided to throw soft fruit.

> There was a podium set up
> in the front and some speakers arranged around the room.

Dan: They're holding a karaoke contest!
Rebecca: Don't go there. With our luck, it'll end up with Blanka's
heart warming rendition of "Achy Breaky Heart."
Tsuneo: Two Blanka riffs in a row?

> Everyone sat at the large cafeteria tables and faced the front.

Sandra: Well, it would be pretty stupid if they did it the other way around.

> Chun-Li, Ryu, Ken, Cammy, and Vega sat in the front.

Dan: Hey, who let Cammy into the top half of the card?
Sandra: The back end of her leotard.
Dan: Jealous? [Sandra thumps him]
Rebecca: Around here, it's polite to use cushions.
Dan: You never use them!
Rebecca: I'm just saying, that's all.

> Gill strode up to the podium. He was
> about 6'5 with long blond hair and he had his face painted half red
> and half blue. He looked like a clown at a prison rodeo.**

Dan: Okay, a stripper clown, but you get the picture.

> Gill: Boys and girls, instead of participating in Street Fighter, we
> have been invited to fight in Mortal Kombat.

[They all groan]

Rebecca: What is it with the voice and stupid crossovers?

> Ryu: Mortal Kombat? Isn't that a legend?

Dan: [Gill] It was an annual ritual that died out several years ago.
Rebecca: [Chun Li] So what was it about?
Dan: [Gill] Apparently a whole bunch of Ninjas got together and changed colour.

> Gill: I thought so until today.

Sandra: Some omnipotent ancient master you turned out to be. Doesn't even know
about Mortal Kombat. Gee, what else don't you know about?
Rebecca: Clothes?

> It seems as if they need some help
> over there and I would appreciate it if you would all attend. There is
> a large reward for the winner, even bigger than the one we offer here.

Tsuneo: [Gill] They cover bus fare!
Sandra: [Gill] You get to live.

> I myself don't know the details, but the boss of the tournament, Rayden
> seems like a cool guy

Dan: [Gill] He was sniggering on the other end of the phone the whole the
whole time, but I can't figure out why.

> and he will explain it to us when we go there. Who wants to go?

[They all make cricket chirping noises]

> Chun-Li: Don't people kill each other in that tournament?

Dan: [Gill] Yes, but oddly enough they come back next year.

> Gill: Yes, it is an option for the winner to execute his or her opponent.

Sandra: It just depends on how you mash the buttons.

> Cammy: Sounds like my kind of tournament!! When do we leave?

Rebecca: Since when did she become so bloodthirsty?
Dan: Since she found out what Bison was up to with Juni, Juli, the hot
tub and the yoghurt.
Sandra: Is that a hittable offence?
Rebecca: Nah. Everyone knows about Bison and his love-a-licious Cammy clones.

> Gill: As soon as possible. I want a show of hands. Who wants to go?

Dan: [Dee Jay] Me! Me! Dear god, pick me!

> **Everyone raised their hands**

> Gill: Ok, then. I'll drag up the old Street Fighter busses and we'll
> be on our way.

Tsuneo: They've got Street Fighter busses?
Rebecca: They're the 1984 GI Joe APC recoloured in yellow, including a
grape coloured Dhalsim figure.

> **Everyone packed their stuff and piled into the 3 Street Fighter
> busses.

Sandra: Okay, so they're just school buses with the word "school"
crossed out.
Dan: [Balrog] Mister Gill! Hugo keeps hitting me!
Tsuneo: [Gill] Hugo, stop hitting Balrog!
Dan: [Ryu] Mister Gill! Sakura stole my lunch.
Tsuneo: [Gill] Sakura, give him back his lunch AND his shirt.
Rebecca: [Chun Li] Mister Gill! Are we there yet?
Tsuneo: [Gill] No, we're not there yet! And what do you want, Ibuki?
Sandra: [Ibuki] How do I get out of this chicken-crap outfit?

> They were headed for the boat that would take them to the
> Mortal Kombat arena. When they arrived at the docks of Hong Kong,

Tsuneo: They engaged in yet another rip-off of "Enter the Dragon."
Sandra: What I want to know is how they got to Hong Kong by bus.

> They found a short man wearing a straw hat and white clothing.

Tsuneo: Gen Fu in a surprise cameo.

> He led
> them to a boat that looked like a dragon. There, he stood on top of
> the cabin and quieted the crowd down.**

Sandra: By handing out sweets.

> Rayden: Can I have your attention, please?

Dan: No!

> You have been called to
> the Mortal Kombat tournament because your realm is in grave danger!!

Tsuneo: [Raiden] And if you don't believe me, look at EX3.

> You all must remember a man named M. Bison who once owned the Street
> Fighter tournament.

Rebecca: Didn't he kill a number of our parents, clone us, brainwash us,
torture us, imprison us and the like?
Dan: [Raiden] Yes, him.
Rebecca: Nup. Can't say I've ever heard of him.

> Chun-Li: He killed my father!!

Rebecca: [Chun Li] My name is Chun Li Xiang. You killed my father.
Prepare to die.
Dan: [Bison] I AM your father!

> Cammy: Mine too...........I think........maybe it was my cousin........
> oh, bloody hell, I can't remember. It must've been that damn brainwashing.

Sandra: And more to the point, does anyone care about you, Cammy?
Rebecca: Ben Hutchins?
Sandra: That's nobody.

> Ryu: I defeated him.

All: We know.
Dan: [Ryu] Then he showed up in a truck. I don't understand that bit.

> Rayden: Then you all know what he is capable of.

Rebecca: He can inflate his chin at will.

[They all gasp in horror]

> Cammy: .........Maybe it was my great uncle...........

> Vega: His psycho powers are dangerous!

Dan: He has the power of Ooooh!

> Cammy........Well, he must've killed somebody. I'll get back to you
> later.

Dan: [Raiden] Hello? Is anyone actually listening to me?
Sandra: Go away, Raiden. Nobody likes you.
Tsuneo: So are you actually going to compete this year, or just be a handy
Deus Ex Machina?
Dan: [Raiden] Dunno. Can someone check if I look like Christopher Lambert?

> Rayden: M. Bison has joined forces with Shao Kahn, the evil emperor of
> outworld and his sorcerer, Shang Tsung.

Sandra: And somewhere, Geese Howard is laughing.
Rebecca: God damn it, isn't he dead yet?
Tsuneo: Only twice.

> Together, these three evil
> forces are going to try to take over our realm.

All: Seen it.
Dan: Twenty says they end up fighting each other.

> In order to save this
> planet as we know it, we must defeat their warriors in Mortal Kombat!

Tsuneo: Okay, there's the plot. Let's kick some heads in.
Sandra: So at the end of this tournament, do you fight Bison or Shao Kahn?
Dan: Actually, you beat up a wiener named Shinnok while the others skive off.

> Vega: Ummmmmmmmm I'm a bad guy.

Tsuneo: Where's your library card?

> Where's the bad guy boat?

Sandra: Right over there at the bad guy dock.

> Rayden: There is no bad guy boat. You are all as a whole!

Dan: You are not a delicate and unique snowflake! You are the same
decaying organic matter as everyone else!
Sandra: Yeah, these guys are one big hole.

> You all come from the same realm and must fight together; black,
> white,

Rebecca: Green.

> Japanese, Puerto Rican, everybody!!

Dan: Does that include whatever the hell Q is?

> Cammy: What about Brits?

> Rayden: The British too.

Sandra: [Skullomania] What about Luchadores?
Dan: [Gill] Yes, even Luchadores for crying out loud.
Rebecca: What about zombie mutant Frankenstein monster things?
Dan: [Gill] Shut up!

> Balrog: Duh.........uh..........how do I become a bad guy again?

Tsuneo: Fill in the form.
Rebecca: Balrog needs instructions for these sorts of things.

> Rayden: If you want to fight for outworld, talk to Bison.

Dan: Why are you letting him join the villains?
Tsuneo: For a nigh-omnipotent thunder god, Raiden just ain't that bright.
Rebecca: Oh come on, do you really, really want Balrog on your team?
Dan: So why not just leave those two behind?
Tsuneo: [Raiden] We get a group discount and we need to increase headcount.

> Chun-Li: Are we gonna die?

> Rayden: It is possible.

Dan: [Raiden] Some of you may die, but it is a sacrifice I am willing to make.

> Cammy: Can I bring these? (pulls out her large arsenal of firearms)

Rebecca: Won't do you a shred of good, you'll still job mercilessly.

> Rayden: If you feel it is necessary.

Tsuneo: Cammy doesn't feel complete without her guns.

> Tomorrow, we arrive at the island of Mortal Kombat.

Dan: Unfortunately, they got stuck on Gilligan's island instead.

> Make sure you get your rest.

Dan: [Raiden] And remember to brush and floss after every meal.
Sandra: What the hell was that?
Dan: [Raiden] It was just a knee-jerk nag.

> **Rayden left the fighters to talk amongst themselves.**

Tsuneo: [Raiden] Well that's enough exposition for one day. I'm off
to get a stiff drink.
Sandra: Say, if we replaced Mortal Kombat's Raiden with Fatal Fury's
Raiden throughout, would it be funnier?

> Chun-Li: This boat smells.

Sandra: [Chun Li] My feet hurt. It's dark and icky. I wanna go home and
beat up Falun Gong members.

> Ken: It's absolutely disgusting!! Do we get a continental breakfast
> in the morning?

[Dan makes explosion noises]

Tsuneo: [Raiden] Any further questions?
Rebecca: [Chun Li] Mister Raiden! Are we there yet?

> Vega: I doubt it. Why didn't Bison call me? I wanna be bad. Was I
> bad at being bad?

All: Yes.
Dan: Face it, you're too girly and pretty to be bad.
Rebecca: Here's a hint. If you spend more time doing your hair than
doing evil deeds, you're not evil enough.

> Ryu: I think you did a pretty good job the first time.

> Chun-Li: Attacking me in my hotel room was a nice touch.

Dan: He was hoping to spring her in the shower, but he was held up in the
lift with Wint and Kidd.
Tsuneo: Not just did he nearly kill her, but he cost her the damage deposit.

> Too bad I kicked your ass through the wall

Sandra: While leaving the rest of him inside the hotel. That must have hurt.

> and put that tiny little scar on your face......

Rebecca: To hear Guile tell the story, you'd think he saved her and killed
Vega himself.

> (points to the slight imperfection on Vega's otherwise flawless face)

Tsuneo: There is the question of a twenty storey fall to certain doom,
but never mind.
Rebecca: Hey, if Bison's alive and driving a semi, we can overlook anything.

> Vega: You bitch!! I'll make you suffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
> aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
> aaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tsuneo: Should I be impressed by his lung capacity, or should I point out
that he misspelled it?

> Chun-Li: (backhands Vega) Shut your mouth already!! Get over it, you
> pretty boy piece of shit!!

Dan: [Vega] Help help, mummy, she's scaring me!
Sandra: [Chun Li] Now you get your bitch-arse back in the kitchen and make me
some pie!

> Vega: Wait until we get to that island!! I'm gonna fight on Bison's side
> and kill you once and for all!!

> Chun-Li: Bring it!!!!!!! I'll dance on your face like I did the last time!!!

Dan: [Vega] Oh yes please!

> **Chun-Li was a 6 foot,

Tsuneo: Six feet? How is she six feet tall?
Rebecca: Inflation.

> rather curvy brunette with hazel eyes and a big

Dan: Pair. [Sandra and Rebecca hit him with cushions] Mouth! I was going to
say mouth! Honest!

> mouth.

Dan: See?
Sandra: I wonder if your namesake is going to be in this tournament?
Rebecca: Yeah, he could match up with someone in his class like... Kano.

> She had been in almost all of the Street Fighter tournaments and
> placed in some of them.

Sandra: And misplaced in others.

> She had the official title of "Strongest Woman
> in the World" and was not afraid to throw the title around.

Tsuneo: It was big and heavy and made a great club.
Rebecca: Oh, gee, when your competition consists of Cammy, Sakura, R. Mika
and the like, it's not exactly hard.

> She was an
> expert in Tai Chi, Wushu, and Chinese Kenpo. Needless to say, she was a
> force to be reckoned with.

Rebecca: Especially when played by Jackie Chan.

> Vega was also 6 feet tall with long blond hair,
> usually kept in a braid. He was built

Dan: [Vega] Perfection such as mine is made, not born.

> and had the nickname "Spanish Ninja" because

Sandra: And wait for this - He was a ninja from Spain!

[They all cheer wildly]

> he was a master of Ninjitsu and came from Spanish noble blood.
> He was usually very polite,

Rebecca: Okay, so he's a ruthless, murdering maniac, but good hair and
nice manners have to count for something.

> but Chun-Li always brought out the worst in
> him. Chun-Li brought out the worst in a lot of people.**

Rebecca: Like Dan.

> Ryu: (Holds Chun-Li back, who was trying to tackle Vega) Calm down and
> save it for the tournament.

Tsuneo: There's pallete swap ninjas to kick.

> Ken: (holds Vega back) Focus your aggressions on saving our realm.

Dan: [Vega] Realm shmealm, I want to kick her booty!

> Chun-Li: (slips on the wet floor of the boat and falls on her ass)

Sandra: Are all world warriors this graceful?
Tsuneo: Are you kidding? Zangief's a world-class ballerina.

> This better be worth it.

Tsuneo: Wherever Gill is, he's probably laughing.

> **The next day, the warriors arrived at the Mortal Kombat Island. They
> expected it to be as dark and gloomy as the boat, but it was actually
> very nice. It hade good beaches, clear water, palm trees, and blue skies.

Rebecca: And Harold Holt strolling past.

> It looked like a postcard.**

Sandra: And the mutant killer monsters roaming the beaches just added to
the pleasant ambience.

> Ken: I couldn't sleep on that disgusting boat.

Tsuneo: [Ryu] We've hiked half-way across the world together and slept in
the rough dozens of times. What's the difference?
Dan: [Ken] Back then, there was always a tree.

> Chun-Li: I wouldn't even touch my bed.

Rebecca: [Crotchety] Did you stay up all night levitating again?

> I walked around all night.

Sandra: For heroic world warriors, you guys sure complain a lot.
Rebecca: If they charge up their winge meter enough, they get to do a super
bitch attack.

> Cammy: I slept like a rock.

> Ryu: So did I. Then again, I usually spend my nights at the top of the
> Himalayas,

Dan: Doesn't your bum get sore?
Tsuneo: [Ryu] I have mastered many mystic disciplines.
Dan: That's a yes.

> so it's not much of a stretch for me.

Sandra: Yeah, yeah Ryu. Just tell us once again how awesome you are.
Tsuneo: About now I'm hoping Kyo comes in and kicks his ass.

> **Gill walked over and put his arms around Ken and Ryu.**

Tsuneo: [Gill] Okay, once again you guys get to do all the work and beat up
everyone in sight. Cammy and Chun Li will show off their legs, and the rest
of you might as well go home.

> Gill: So, (looks at the group of fighters that were just talking) how
> are my favorite, most experienced fighters? I'm counting on you guys to
> take this home.

Dan: So why is Gill helping them out, anyway?
Tsuneo: It's his planet.
Dan: Don't you mean, 'it's his planet too?'
Tsuneo: Nope.

> Chun-Li: That's a lot of pressure.

> Gill: I know you can do this. Make me proud.

Rebecca: [Chun Li] So what will you be doing?
Tsuneo: [Gill] I'll be rooting for you... From back home.

> Cammy: Will Bison and the others be participating?

Sandra: No, they'll stand up the back and gloat while you deal with hordes
of palette-swap ninjas, then suddenly come in and say "BWAHAHA, now you
face your true opponent," and job in two rounds flat.

> Gill: They can, but I think they're laying low. They have a LOT of
> fighters on their side. That's why we're here. The kombatants are
> outnumbered. 

Tsuneo: They clamped down on all those unregistered palette swaps.
Sandra: And how does that effect an elimination tournament?
Dan: [Gill] Oh, is that the time? Must be off.

> Ken: Do they have bunkhouses here like Street Fighter?

Dan: Street Fighters have bunkhouses?
Rebecca: Well Zangief usually just goes around to some place and
arbitrarily declares he's sleeping there. Few people argue.

> Gill yes, but they're a little different.

> Vega: Coed??

> Gill; No.

Rebecca: [Vega] Thank god for that.
Tsuneo: Watch it.
Rebecca: Look at what happens when they face each other in Capcom vs. SNK 2.
Tsuneo: Damn.

> Vega: Damnit.

> *The warriors got off the boat and got on some small canoes that would
> take them to the island. There were flags in the sand to mark the path
> toward the Castle

Sandra: As well as the area the lifeguards could see.

> in the center of the island. The castle was dark and
> gloomy, matching the boat.

Dan: [Shrek] Oh sure, it's big and all. But look at the location.
Rebecca: Have they wandered into the opening sequence of Scooby Doo all
of a sudden?
Sandra: [Chun Li] Jinkies!

> It reached high into the clouds and warned
> the fighters that this was not fun and games.

Sandra: So what, when they normally get their heads kicked in, it's for
a few laughs?

> They were fighting for the fate of the world.

Dan: Is there a Street Fighter AMV to 'Mortal Kombat?'
Tsuneo: Almost certainly. Everything's been done to 'Mortal Kombat.'

> When they got to the arena, there were fighters
> of all shaped, sizes, and species, some even stranger than Blanka, the
> Brazilian freak of Street Fighter.

Sandra: Even stranger than R. Mika?
Dan: NOTHING'S stranger than R. Mika.

> Cammy: Look at all these people!! 

Rebecca: [Cammy] And these things!
Dan: The things are the people.

> Gill: these are the Earth realm fighters.

Dan: The bad guys are uglier.

> They will be your teammates and roommates. Better make friends and play nice.

Sandra: Otherwise we won't let you into the big playground.

> We don't have time for petty bickering. Chun-Li, that means you.

> Chun-Li: My bickering is not petty.

Dan: [Vega] Is too.
Rebecca: [Chun Li] Is not.
Dan: [Vega] Is too.
Rebecca: [Chun Li] Is not.
Dan: [Vega] Is too.
Rebecca: [Chun Li] Is not.
Sandra: [Sakura] Grow up, you two.

> Gill: Whatever kind of bickering, keep it to a minimum, not only for
> the sake of the world, but for the sake of my poor ears. I go through
> 3 bottles of Advil every time you show up for a tournament.

Rebecca: Please tell me this is not representative of the writer's sense
of humour.
Sandra: I'd love to, but I just can't.

> **In the crowd of Kombatants, there was a blond woman wearing military
> assault gear

Tsuneo: Of course, she's in military issue underwear.

> looking disapprovingly at the Street Fighters. Mostly, she
> was looking at Chun-Li, who was wearing

Dan: A bright green and yellow shoulderless superhero costume with a
plunging neckline.
Tsuneo: Obscure!

> a mini skirt, platform sandals,
> and a belly shirt. Chun-Li noticed the girl**

Sandra: Something to do with the sign she was holding up.
Rebecca: [Sonya] Dear god! Hire me! Please!

> Chun-Li: Ugh!!!! That bitch is giving me dirty looks!!

Rebecca: [Chun Li] Evil eye, I tell you! Evil eye!

> Ken: You chicks and your dirty looks. You're ridiculous!

> Cammy: She's giving you the evil eye alright. Can't blame her, you
> look as cheap as ever.

Rebecca: And this is coming from the girl wearing no pants OR skirt.

> Chun-Li: Bite it, short shit. I don't need any lip from you. Sorry
> I don't dress like a burly man.

Dan: No man dresses like Cammy either!

> **Cammy White was a British Special Forces officer. She wore nothing
> but combat boots, baggy pants, and wifebeaters.

Tsuneo: So does this have anything to do with the Cammy from the games?
Dan: Does that mean she isn't wearing a top?

> She was 5'0, with blue eyes and blond hair down almost to her knees.

Dan: And she uses a whole bottle of conditioner each day.
Rebecca: Don't knock it until you've tried it.

> She usually wore
> it in pigtails or a ponytail. She had a scar on her left cheek from
> when Bison tried to kill her. She can't remember the incident because
> of the brainwashing forced upon her by

Rebecca: The Word of Blake.
Tsuneo: Referencing products that are still more than six months from
release. Nice one.
Sandra: No, of course she volunteered for brainwashing.

> Bison when she was only 19.
> She had entered the tournaments to find out more about her past.

Tsuneo: Instead, she ended up being the character everyone else could beat.
Rebecca [Cammy]: I've learnt that in my past life, I got the crap kicked
out of me.

> All
> she managed to find out was that she was Bison's lover. This detail
> made her sick to her stomach.

Sandra: [Cammy] The horror! The chin! The shoulderpads! Blimey!

> Since her brainwashing, she had never
> been attracted to men. She was a lesbian.**

Dan: [Bison] What can I say, I'm a kinky bastard.

> Cammy: Don't start with me, amazon!! You'll be picking the leather
> from me boot out of your teeth!!

Rebecca: Stupidly wordy threats. You've got to love them.
Tsuneo: One can only wonder if the other team is having this much fun.
Sandra: Yeah, they're watching.

> Chun-Li: Don't threaten me, you scum sucking little midget!! I'll
> squash you like a bug!!

Tsuneo: We're doomed.

> **In a few minutes, the fighters were directed to their bunkhouses.
> The bunkhouses matched the castle and were made of stone.

Dan: Really warm and inviting.
Rebecca: The decor is fifth century Hun. I hope nobody minds.

> The inside,
> however was plain wood and contain several sets of bunk beds.

Sandra: Mmm, fire hazard.

> There was one bunkhouse for men and one for women.

Sandra: And a kennel for Blanka.

> Each contained a bathroom
> with several stalls and showers, and a gym in the back with freeweights,
> punching bags,

Dan: What, Hugo and Zangief?

> and spare sparring gear. The outworld warriors would bunk
> on the other side of the island.

Dan: And the SNK characters had to sleep out in the rain.
Rebecca: If all else fails, they could use Mai as a shelter.
Dan: Jealous?
Rebecca: No, I like to stand up.

> Everyone brought their luggage to the
> bunkhouses. In the women's' bunkhouse, Chun-Li, Cammy, Sakura, and
> Hokuto (the only Street Fighter girls)

Tsuneo: Hmm. So we're including random characters from Alpha, SF2 and EX,
and saying they're the only ones? Where the heck are the other SF3 characters?
Sandra: In the dustbin where they belong?

> walked in to find that the
> Mortal Kombat women took their placement in the bunkhouse very
> seriously.

Rebecca: They have a hive society with a strict social hierarchy.

> The blond who had given Chun-Li negative vibes earlier
> tossed her bags on the only single bed in the back corner of the room.**

Sandra: And was busy setting up sandbags around it.

> Blond: I'm Lieutenant Sonya Blade, U.S. Special Forces. This is my
> bed. Always has been and always will be.

Dan: [Sonya] I got left here after the last tournament with only Kano for
company.
Tsuneo: Aren't we possessive?

> If you touch it, I will jam
> all of your belongings down your throat. Have a nice day.

Dan: So is she channelling Mick Foley or something?

> Chun-Li: Damn, these chicks don't play!!

> **A beautiful girl, about 5'7 with jet black hair, brown eyes, and
> a pretty smile walked over to the Street Fighter gals**

> Hottie:

Rebecca: Hottie? *Hottie?* Why do I get the feeling this authour has
never been anywhere near a real woman in his life?
Sandra: And no, Lara croft does not count to this total either. Even when
played by Angelina Jolie's boobs.

> I am Kitana. Welcome to Mortal Kombat!

Rebecca: [Kitana] Please leave your spleen at the door.

> Chun-Li: (extends her hand) I'm Chun-Li Xiang. Pleased to meet you!

> Kitana: (ignores Chun-Li's hand and bows) If you need anything, I
> will answer your questions.

Tsuneo: [Kitana] Lucky me, I've been demoted from evil assassin to valet.
Dan: [Cammy] Over here! I need some 'special attention!'
Tsuneo: [Kitana] Does anyone beside the psycho lesbian have any questions?
Sandra: [Ibuki] How do I get out of this chicken-crap outfit?

> I have been here since the very first Mortal Kombat.

Tsuneo: [Kitana] I'm desperate! I need work!

> Sakura: I'm Sakura. You must be old!!

Rebecca: Sakura was never seen again.

> Kitana: I am 10,000 years old.

> Cammy: Bullshit!! You are not!!!

Sandra: [Kitana] Okay, 9,998. You caught me out.

> You can't be a day over 20!!

Rebecca: [Kitana] A good diet, the occasional mudpack... It'll work
wonders.

> Kitana: I speak the truth.

> Hokuto:

Tsuneo: [Hokuto] Do I have a personality? I need to know!
Dan: Shut up! EX characters ride in the back of the bus.

> Listen to how she talks! She IS old!!

Dan: How so?
Rebecca: Well she said, didn't she?

> I'm Hokuto.

Sandra: [Hokuto] And I'm an alcoholic.

> Cammy: I don't buy it.

Rebecca: [Hokuto] Okay, you got me. I'm actually Skullomania in drag.

> Kitana: Who is this?

> Cammy: I'm Cammy White!

Dan: [Ash] Well hello Mr fancy pants.

> Now, you old hag, if you would excuse me,
> I'll go clam a bed for myself.

Dan: [Cammy] She's over twenty! She's so wrinkled and ugly!

> Sonya: You'll sleep over there. (points to the rattiest, most beat
> up bunks in the room)

Rebecca: What is this, Holiday Inn?
Tsuneo: No, then they'd all look like that.

> Cammy: (looks at the beds) I'll do no such thing. (grabs a random
> ninja girl

Dan: So that's where Ibuki got to.

> and tosses her off her bed, then claims it as her own,
> by placing a British flag on the bedpost)

Tsuneo: So where do you keep that British flag, Cammy?
Rebecca: [Cammy] The clones carried it for me.

> Sonya: (crosses her arms) Special Forces?

Rebecca: [Cammy] No thanks, I'm trying to give them up.

> Cammy: Yea, what's it to you?

Tsuneo: [Sonya] Just guessing.

> Sonya: What rank are you?

> Cammy: Major.

Dan: And that rank would mean something if you knew what service she
was with.

> Sonya: Damnit. What the hell are you? (points to Chun-Li)

Rebecca: [Chun Li] Appearing in more games than any of you.

> Chun-Li: Well, I work for...........

Dan: [Chun Li] The Canadian lumber board!

> Cammy: (cuts her off) She's a cop.

Sandra: In China, I think the police and army are pretty much one and
the same. They do amount to the same thing.
Dan: And what's that?
Sandra: Punch food for Jackie Chan.

> Sonya: Oh. (turns away, uninterested)

> Chun-Li: I'm an Interpol agent!!! I'm the world's cop!!!

Tsuneo: No, that's Dubbyah.

> (whips her badge out) LOOK!!!

Sandra: That's a library card.
Rebecca: [Chun Li] It's in Chinese. I'm hoping she can't read it.

> Sonya: A cop is a cop. Know your role and get in your corner.

Rebecca: [Chun Li, muttered] I'll see about some 'police brutality' here.

> When
> you've been in this tournament long enough, you'll get your choice of bed.

Sandra: So there you go, folks. If you risk life and limb to save the world,
you can pick your own bed. It makes it all worthwhile.

> Kitana: I have been here longer than the tournament itself!! Why do I
> not get the single bed?

Rebecca: Shut up you stupid palette swap. No-one cares about you.

> Sonya: Older is not better.

Dan: Sakura promptly turfs her out of her bed.

> Kitana. You are a cruel being, Sonya Blade.

Rebecca: [Sonya] I am?
Sandra: [Kitana] Yes, you are.
Rebecca: [Sonya] I am?
Sandra: [Kitana] Yes, you are.
Rebecca: [Sonya] I am?
Sandra: [Kitana] Yes, you are.
Rebecca: [Sonya] Well, I am what I am.

> Sonya: Thank you.

Dan: You bear no resemblance to the original character of the same name.

> **The door opened and a man entered the room. He was 6 feet tall, with
> brown hair and wearing sunglasses.

Rebecca: Oh my, it's the man.

> He was dressed well. All the girls
> swooned, including Sakura, Chun-Li, and Hokuto. Cammy continued to unpack**

Rebecca: About now I'm cheering for the twisted Cammy clone.

> Man: Hey, Babe. (kisses Sonya)

> Sonya: Hi. Now beat it, I got unpacking to do.

Dan: [Johnny] Nice to see you too.
Tsuneo: Go away Johnny, nobody likes you.

> Man: (sits on Sonya's bed) So, these are the Street Fighter chicks?

Tsuneo: Well, a purely random assortment of them.
Sandra: No, it's a purely random monk, cop, commando and deranged stalker
school girl who just happened to walk in here. Who did you think it was?
Dan: [Johnny] My fan club.

> Sonya: Yea and there's one more over there. She's the only hope I see for
> this bunch of bitches.

Sandra: Funny, I didn't know there was a martial art form based on bitching.

> Man: (takes his glasses off) Hi. I'm Johnny Cage.

Sandra: Right now, I'm actually beginning to see some appeal to Mortal
Wombat: Annihilation.
Dan: How come?
Sandra: Johnny dies in the first five minutes.

> Sakura: We.................we know.............(faints)

Dan: Ryu should have Johnny around more often. That way, he might get
Sakura off his back.

> Johnny: What about the big one?

Rebecca: That's just Zangief in a skirt.
Others: Eeewww!
Rebecca: Score.

> Sonya: She ain't nothing. 

> Chun-Li: I'm not big!!!!

Rebecca: [Chun Li] I'm just big boned.

> I'm just tall. (quickly gets over her crush)

> Hokuto: Can we have your autograph?

Sandra [Hokuto]: And that's my only line.

> **Sakura and Hokuto were only 16. Sakura was a little tomboy with short
> black hair and Hokuto was a Japanese girl with long brown hair.

Tsuneo: Say, what logic did Gill use to pick his team?
Sandra: He's got big money bet on them losing.

> They
> were both big fans of Johnny Cage, who was a well-known action flick actor.**

Rebecca: I think 'actor' is a bit too strong a word in this case.

> Johnny: Do you have names?

Dan: Sure they do. We just can't remember who they are for now.

> Sakura: I'm Sakura, this is Hokuto, Chun-Li, and over there is Cammy. 

Tsuneo: [Hokuto] Don't I even get to introduce myself?
Rebecca: EX characters should only speak when they're spoken too.

> Johnny: Pleased to meet you.

> Sakura: (takes the only good bed left) I've seen all your movies!!

Dan: [Sakura] You're crap.

> Chun-Li: (grabs Sakura by the back of her shirt and flings her off
> the bed)

Tsuneo: [Sakura] This is about Ryu, isn't it?
Rebecca: [Chun Li] No.
Tsuneo: [Sakura] Look, I said I was sorry. And his hair will grow back
eventually.

> I saw most of em. I like the way you fight.

Rebecca: [Chun Li] Can you introduce me to your stunt double?

> Johnny: Thank you, I'm flattered!

> Sonya: No, he's not.

Dan: [Johnny] You got me there.
Sandra: Face it Johnny, you're just one big tool.

> Johnny: You don't recognize her name?

Tsuneo: Would you spot it in a crowd? Could you pick it out of a police
line-up?

> This is Chun-Li Xiang, Strongest Woman in the World.

Rebecca: [Cammy] And I've got the scars to prove it.

> Sonya: Yea, we'll see about that.

> Cammy: (turns around) I should have the title. It was a narrow defeat.

Dan: [Cammy] It was a lag kill! I was typing a taunt!

> Chun-Li: Please, I owned you.

Tsuneo: Owned? Who's writing this, Tango?
Dan: Come to think of it...
Sandra: Do I want to know?
Others: NO!

> Cammy: One hit and I would have put her away. If it wasn't for that
> cheap lightning kick...

Sandra: And she was up against an invisible wall too. Shame on you,
Chunners!

> Sonya: Oh, I know who you are. You're that chick who flings her leg
> around really fast. Pretty, but not at all practical.

Rebecca: [Chun li] Ask Vega.

> Chun-Li: If it wasn't practical, I wouldn't have the title. (pulls her
> 4 foot 'Strongest Woman' trophy out of her suitcase. It was an image
> of her in a heroic pose. She kissed it and set it on the floor beside
> her bed.) I never leave home without it.

Dan: Along with a spare set of spiked bracers, her copy of 'Mao's Little
Red Book,' three tons of hairpins, a false moustache, a Bolivian passport
and Fei Long, who's been living in her suitcase for years.
Tsuneo: I did wonder where he got to.
Rebecca [Chun Li]: Fei Long! What are you doing in there?
Tsuneo: [Fei Long] Someone dropped this trophy on me and I couldn't get
out!
Rebecca [Chun Li]: You okay?
Tsuneo: [Fei Long] I dunno, I think I've found T Hawk back here.
Dan: [T Hawk] Ugh. Me like ladies' panties.

> Sonya: (rolls her eyes) This is gonna be a LONG tournament.

All: We know.
Dan: They're hoping to thin out the numbers before it actually starts.

> **In the Men's bunkhouse, things were going more smoothly.

Tsuneo: They'd decided to all kick Dan.
Sandra: A very good idea. [She kicks Dan in the shin]
Tsuneo: Um, the SFA character.
Sandra: Oh. So how are we meant to tell the difference between the slacker
on the couch here and the pink-clad tool in the fic?
Rebecca: The Street Fighter Dan has more fans.
Dan: Hey!

> The Kombatants welcomed the Street Fighters with open arms.**

Dan: They bought snacks.

> Ryu: These Mortal Kombat guys are pretty cool.

Tsuneo: [Ryu] For a bunch of weak imitations.
Rebecca: It all went downhill from there.

> Ken: Where's this Johnny Cage I've heard about? I gotta meet this guy.

Rebecca [Ken]: He's soooo dreamy... [Tsuneo hits him with a cushion]

> **A HUGE black man turned around to respond to Ken's comment.

Dan: [Ken] I was just talking about Shaft...

> He was about 6'6 with metal arms.

Dan: Please note, that's metal arms, not rubber sleeves.
Tsuneo: [Jax] These? I got these at an OCP surplus sale.

> Ken was 5'11 and very built, but despite
> his huge ego was intimidated my the man.

Dan: [Ken] Who is this gentle stranger with pecs like melons and knees
of fringe?

> Ken looked more like Barbie.
> He had shoulder length blond hair and was richer than a banana split.

Rebecca: So how much does a banana split earn per hour anyway?

> Ryu was a 5'10 Japanese man with black hair and rather ridiculously bushy
> eyebrows. He too was a strong fighter, but wasn't intimidated by anyone,
> after beating the 7 foot Fagat.......er........Sagat many years ago.**

Sandra: Guess which boss cost the authour a lot of his change.

> Man: Cage went to go visit his woman.

Tsuneo: Special guest appearance by Isaac Hayes as the voice of Jax.

> Ken: Oh, he has a girlfriend in the tournament.

Rebecca: He got fifteen points back in disadvantages for it.

> Man: Yea, Sonya Blade.

Dan: [Jax] Can you dig it?

> Ken: Who is that?

Tsuneo: [Jax] She's the only one of our girls who ain't a palette-swap ninja.
Dan: [Jax] She's one foxy momma.

> Man: Well, (looks at his own clothes, which were black military assault
> gear like Sonya's)

Dan: [Jax] Why am I wearing a sports bra and hotpants?
Rebecca: [Vega] But it looks so fetching on you.

> she kinda dresses like me. She got a blond ponytail
> hangin outta her hat.

> Ken: Oh, I saw her. She looks mean.

> Man: She IS mean. She's my partner in the U.S. Special Forces.

Sandra: You're mixing 'special forces' with 'police' here. You don't
have partners; you have teams.
Rebecca: And the police don't have friendly fire. Or at least, not as
often.
Sandra: I'd hit you, but it's true.

> I'm Jax Briggs. (extends his metal hand to Ken)

Dan: Twenty says the black guy buys it first.

> Ken: I....I'm Ken Masters and this here is my friend, Ryu. (shakes
> Jax's surprisingly gentle hand)

> Jax: (shakes Ryu's hand) Good to meet ya, Ken and Ryu.

Dan: [Jax] Right, that was Ryo and Robert?
Tsuneo: [Ryu] No.
Dan: [Jax] Uhm... Allen and Kairi?
Tsuneo: [Ryu] No!
Dan: [Jax] Morrigan and Dimitri?
Tsuneo: [Ryu] Forget it already!
Dan: [Jax] Sorry. All you shotoclones look the same to me.

> Grab a bed before all the good ones get snatched up.

> Vega: I'm leaving. I refuse to fight for earth realm.

Dan: You do realise that if your side wins, every human on earth will
be killed?
Tsuneo: [Vega] It's a moral victory!

> Maybe someone in that castle knows where the bad guys are at. 

Rebecca: [Vega] Or at least can accessorise properly.

> Balrog: I'm goin, too. 

Tsuneo: And there was much rejoicing.
Sandra: Nobody missed him.

> Ken: Good riddance. This means less of Chun-Li's loud mouth
> bickering with you.

Rebecca: [Ken] And that makes me the number one most beautiful man
around!

> Ryu: Speaking of her, I bet she's over in the women's bunkhouse
> taking over and establishing a monarchy.

Dan: Oh great, more lame Authority-derivative books.
Rebecca: Actually a people's republic, but never mind.

> Jax: How many girls did you bring with you?

Sandra: We're talking about the fate of the world and he's trying to
pick up? What's with this tool?
Dan: He has his priorities straight.

> Ryu: Only 4.

Rebecca: They did want to bring Rose, but it was either her or Ken's
matched luggage.

> Ken: Make that 3. One of them can be classified as a man.

Dan: So the horrid truth about Hokuto was finally revealed!
Tsuneo: [Ryu] I did wonder about the luchadore mask.

> Jax: (laughs) We never get dykes in Mortal Kombat.

Dan: What about Sheeva? She looks like a butch lesbian to me.
Tsuneo: No-one wants to think about that.

> Ken: I saw some hot ones!! I gotta get the hookup with that girl in
> the blue.

Tsuneo: [Ryu] Ken, you are married, remember?

> Jax: Kitana? Ain't nobody getting with her. She's Liu Kang's girl.

Dan: [Jax] And Jax's, but every girl is Jax's.

> Ryu: Why do you care so much about women?

Dan: Don't knock it until you've tried it.
Rebecca: Oh, like you'd know.

> **Everyone in the room stopped and stared at Ryu**

Tsuneo: [Ryu] What? Are my eyes glowing red again?

> Ryu: As I was saying, you should concentrate on victory, not womanizing.

Tsuneo: [Ryu] Because this is about the fate of the world and everything...
Dan: [Ken] Screw that, I wanna get laid!
Tsuneo: [Ryu] Ken? See that? That's a wedding ring. You are wearing it for
a reason.

> All: Oh. (go back to unpacking)

Dan: [Ken] Boring stiff.
Sandra: [Ryu] Self-important tool.
Tsuneo: Ryu wouldn't say 'tool.'
Sandra: Well he does now.

> **A man approached the trio. He was about 5'9 with long brown hair
> tied in a ponytail. He was Japanese and wore a pink gi. This was
> Dan, from Street Fighter. He was openly gay and not at all shy.**

All: Uhm...
Tsuneo: Just like Cammy, remember?
Dan: No.
Tsuneo: Exactly.

> Dan: Hi, boys!!

Sandra: For this fic, Dan will be played by the late Graham Chapman
in a pink frock. Thank you.

> Ken/Ryu: Go away!!

> Dan: Who is this handsome hunk of dark chocolate?

Dan: [Jax] That's jax, the sexiest brother alive. Can you dig it?

> Jax: I'm Jax Briggs.

> Dan: Well, my name is Dan. We're gonna have lots of fun together.
> (walks away, wiggling his ass)

Rebecca: [Dan] I'm a model, you know what I mean...

> Jax: Scary....

> Ken: watch out for him. Hell be the first one to take advantage of
> you while you pick up the bar of soap off the shower floor.

Dan: Speaking from experience?
Tsuneo: [Ken] I don't want to talk about it.

> Jax: Man, you guys got a bunch of weird motherfuckers in your
> tournament. (looks around at the wide array of Street Fighters.)

Dan: [Jax] Hey Baraka, Kabal, Reptile, ain't that right?
Tsuneo: [Baraka] Damn straight.
Sandra: [Reptile] Useless... All useless...
Dan: Nope. No good. Sorry.

> Ryu: we're diverse, I can say that much.

Dan: [Ryu] Everyone jobs equally to me.

> Jax: I'm gonna head over to the girls place to see Sonya. You guys
> comin?

Tsuneo: [Ryu] So what do you guys do for fun around here?
Dan: [Jax] This *is* what we do for fun around here.
Tsuneo: [Ryu] On second thoughts, I'll just stay here and watch the sink
back up.

> Ken: (tosses his bags on a top bunk and tosses Ryu's duffel bag on
> the bottom.) Ok, let's go.

Dan: Please, before we have any more of this intense introduction action.
Tsuneo: Are you sure? I mean, this will lead to zany comedic hijinks.

> **The three men arrived at the women's bunkhouse. Johnny was holding
> Sonya back

Rebecca: I bet he enjoyed that.
Dan: MORTAL KATFIGHT!

> and Cammy, Sakura, and Hokuto were holding Chun-Li back.

Rebecca: [Chun Li] Careful with those hands, Cammy!
Dan: [Cammy] Firm and fruity!

> The two were obviously fighting.**

Rebecca: Actually, they were having a friendly political debate.
Sandra: [Cammy] Well I can understand your point of view, Chun Li, but
I think we have to take into account that Mao Tse Tung was just one
big fat hairy tool.

> Jax: What the hell is this?

Tsuneo: Well it might be open heart surgery, but I doubt it.

> Sonya: This bitch wants a fist in her mouth. (kicks Johnny in
> his stomach)

Dan: Stunner! Stunner!
Sandra: Wham splat.

> Get off me, Cage!! I ain't gonna hit her.

Tsuneo: But didn't you just say... Oh, never mind.

> Chun-Li: Bring it!!!! Come on, Sonya!!

All: Fight! Fight! Fight!

> Ken: Chun-Li, shut the fuck up and stop picking on this chick.
> She's smaller than you.

Tsuneo: Although it could have something to do with the fact that Chun
Li's standing on a box and Sonya's in a ditch.

> Chun-Li: Ken, You of all people should know size doesn't matter.

Dan: [Ken] That really hurt! [Sobs]
Rebecca: I guess Eliza married him for his money after all.
Sandra: Just wait until he hears that she's run off with Robert Garcia.

> That's what all the girls tell you when you get them in bed.

Rebecca: Actually, they usually tell him their hourly rates.

> Ken: (raises his hand to hit Chun-Li) You bitch!!

> Chun-Li: (kicks Sakura, Cammy, and Hokuto off of her) Watch your
> mouth, Barbie!!

All: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

> Sonya: Just cool it. We'll pick this up later.

Sandra: Yeah, they'll take it to the pay-per-view and make it a skin to
win match. And Dan, stop drooling.
Dan: What? WHAT?

> Chun-Li: (sees Jax and straightens herself out) Who is this?

Tsuneo: Wasn't he in Battle Angel?
Rebecca: Quite possibly.

> Sonya: (rolls her eyes)

> Jax: I'm Jax Briggs. (extends his hand)

Dan [Jax]: Who's the man who would give his life for his brother man?
Rebecca: Jax!
Dan [Jax]: Can you dig it?

> Chun-Li: (tries to glide gracefully over to Jax, but falls off
> her high heels and lands on her stomach)

[They all applaud discreetly]

> Cammy: Klutz.

Sandra [Cammy as Ruri]: These people are idiots.

> Chun-Li: (turns red, gets up, and dusts herself off, then shakes
> Jax's hand.) I'm Chun-Li Xiang. Nice to meet you.

Rebecca: After that intro, you're not fooling anyone.
Tsuneo: She's a highly-trained fighter. She does not fall over walking
short distances.
Dan: But she got her heel caught in a hole!

> Ryu: This is Cammy White....

Dan [Jax]: Funny, she looks like that Australian singer, Kylie whatshername.
Rebecca [Cammy]: No, not in the slightest.
Dan [Jax]: You sure? I could swear-
Rebecca [Cammy]: NEVER SAY THAT NAME AGAIN!
Dan [Jax]: I can dig it.

> Jax: (keeps holding Chun-Li's hand and staring into her eyes) Yep.

Rebecca: Ewww! Eye boogers!

> Ken: And this is Sakura and Hokuto.

> Jax: That's good.

Tsuneo: You don't give a monkey's, do you?
Dan [Jax]: You damn right.

> Sonya: (grabs Jax's arm and pries him away from Chun-Li.) Jax is
> mine, too.

Rebecca [Sonya]: He's my shiny thing and I found it! Any of you try
to take him from me and I might have to eat you!

> Cammy: And here I though Chun-Li was a slut!!

Sandra: And remember folks, this is coming from the girl who wears a
thong leotard and no pants.

> Sonya: Jax is my partner in Special Forces and my best friend.

Dan: So he's your "partner", huh?
Rebecca [Sonya]: Yeah, so?
Dan: And your "best friend", right?
Rebecca [Sonya]: Your point?
Dan: I'm just talkin' about Jax.

> Jax: This is Ken Masters and Ryu.

Sandra: Don't worry if you get them confused, they're pretty much
interchangeable.

> Sonya: What's up.

Dan: [Ken] Watching the game, having a Bud.

> Jax: Guys, this is Sonya Blade and Johnny Cage.

> Ken: Nice to meet you.

> Ryu: (waves)

All: INTENSE INTRODUCTION ACTION!

> Sonya: It's time to eat, I'm starving. Some of these chicks could
> use some food too. 

Sandra: At the moment, thousands of World Warriors are starving. But
you can change this. For just eight cents a day, you too can sponsor
a Street Fighter. You'll receive a letter every month complete with
tournament dates and public appearances. Please, sponsor a World
Warrior now, and help break the cycle of versus games.

> Cammy: They'll probably throw it up anyway.

Dan: Kate Moss IS Chun Li Xiang!

> Jax: (looks at Chun-Li) You wanna come?

> Chun-Li: Ok!!

> Sonya: (glares at Jax) Wow, she eats.

Rebecca: [Chun Li] SOME of us aren't built like stick figures.

> **Everyone except for most of the girls

Tsuneo: So that's not really everyone, is it?

> made their way to the mess hall, where food was served.

Rebecca: Really? I would have never guessed.

> Despite the way it sounds, the food was pretty good.

Sandra: Fried roadkill lizard surprise. Whoopee.

> All fighters, good and bad ate in one huge dining room.

Dan: Blood feuds and the fate of the world is one thing, but the lunch
room is strictly neutral territory.

> They were eating and making conversation when a green-clad female
> ninja entered the room. She was black and wore a bikini top, bootie
> shorts, and thigh-high boots, all in lime green. She also had a
> ridiculous weave that stood a foot high on her head.

Tsuneo: Excuse me, do you have a permit for that pet?

> Her face was covered with makeup.**

Tsuneo: Well it's either a Kabuki performer or an ageing Hollywood star.

> Chun-Li: What the hell is THAT?!? (points to the ninja)

Rebecca: [Kitana] It's just a palette swap. You get used to them after
a while.
Dan, Sandra and Tsuneo: [Random ninjas] Yo!

> Sonya: (who was not facing the door) I hope that's not who I think it is.

> Jax: It is.

> Sonya: No peace. I get no fuckin peace!!

> Chun-Li: YOU'Z A HOE!!!! (flings mashed potatoes at the ninja)

Dan: No, a 'hoe' is something you use to plow fields with. The word you're
looking for is 'ho.'
Sandra: And who says the WWF doesn't teach you anything?

> Cammy: I smell at catfight.

Dan: This fic's looking up all of a sudden. [Rebecca hits him with a cushion]

> Sonya: That's the coolest thing I've seen you do yet!!

> Chun-Li What is she doing here? It's not like she eats or anything.
> I've never seen a faker chest in my life!!

Tsuneo: Obviously this is before Capcom vs SNK.

> What's with that polyester animal atop her head??

Rebecca: That's Cait Sith, he's entering the tournament. This is his
latest creation.

> This bitch is too much.

> Sonya: Right on!!

> Ken: Oooooooohhhhhh, I like her already!!

Tsuneo: [Ryu] Do I need to remind you that you're married again?

> Kitana: That is Jade, my best friend.

Sandra: [Kitana] She makes me look so much better.

> Sonya: You need a new friend. Jade is the most worthless piece of shit
> I've ever seen.

Dan: Sooner or later someone's going to show up who is in character.

> **Jade looked over to the table and Saw Chun-Li sitting with the fork
> in her hand that had launched the potatoes.

Rebecca: Thanks to her efforts, NASA is one step closer to putting a
potato on Mars.

> She smiled.**

> Jade: DON'T HATE!! YOU KNOW YOU WISH YOU HAD THIS!!!

> Chun-Li: (slams her hands on the table as she gets up) I AM ALL THAT
> AND MORE, HONEY!!!

Rebecca: So is this Mortal Kombat or Jerry Springer?

> Jade: ALL THE MEN WANT ME!!! (hops up on a table and shakes her ass)
> I'M THE BEST AROUND AND FOR $12.95, YOU CAN ALL GET MY SPECIAL
> WARRIORS PACKAGE!! INCLUDES ROOM AND BOARD, SEX TOYS, AND A CIGARETTE
> AFTERWARD!! DON'T BE SHY, BOYS!!!

> **The men threw money at Jade, including Ken. Jax, Ryu, and Johnny
> stayed at the table.

Tsuneo: I'd like to say they have taste, but it includes Johnny Cage.

> Chun-Li sat down**

Dan: Is this being written in IRC or something?
Sandra: /leaves in disgust.

> Chun-Li: Well, she's going to get my foot in her mouth.

> Sonya: It feels great. Trust me, I've done it once or twice.

Dan: WHOAH!
Rebecca: I think she meant giving Jade the boot.
Dan: A man can hope.

> Look, it's Snaggletooth!!!

Rebecca: All those old Hanna-Barbera characters are so hard up for work.

> **Sonya pointed to a pink-clad ninja who was approaching Jade's table.

Tsuneo: The palette swaps are coming out of the walls today.
Dan: So why can't we have a palette-swap Sonya?
Rebecca: So what the hell do the palette-swaps do for player two costumes?
Sandra: They turn different shades. Like how player two Scorpion is
orange, and player two Ermac is orange.
Dan: So how do you tell the difference?
Sandra: Do you really care?
Rebecca: So what happens with Noob Saibot?
Tsuneo: I don't think the universe could take having two of Noob Saibot
on screen at once.

> She looked exactly like Kitana. Her ass-length black hair

Rebecca: "Ass length?"
Dan: Yeah, like yours.
Rebecca: The term is "waist length," I'll have you know.

> was tied back
> in a braid. Instead of steel-bladed fans like Kitana's, she had a pair
> of Sais. She looked pissed.**

Tsuneo: Are those cinematic or proper sai?
Dan: What's the difference?
Tsuneo: Pointy ends.

> Cammy: Snaggletooth?

Dan: Heavens to Murgetroid!

> Kitana: (laughs) It is my sister, Mileena. Under her ninja mask lies
> a set of enormous, hideous fangs.

Rebecca: [Kitana] With nasty big, pointy teeth!
Dan: Guess you got your teeth from mum's side of the family.

> Chun-Li: She's so pretty!! She looks just like you!!

> Jax: They're identical twins except for the chompers. 

Tsuneo: Only their orthodontist can tell them apart.

> Johnny: And the fact that she is pure evil.

Sandra: Well, you never have one of those "know alignment" spells handy
when you need it.
Dan: Hey, what happens when pallete-swaps decide to wear different clothes?
Tsuneo: The universe ends.

> Chun-Li: You're kidding!! She looks so innocent!!

Tsuneo: Which is why she's wearing a ninja suit, obviously.
Rebecca: And this from the girl who was smitten with Vega.

> **Mileena mounted the table that Jade was on. Jade tried to run, but
> Mileena grabbed her by her weave.

Rebecca: [Mileena] Eew... It's all greasy.
Dan: [Jade] No! No touchie!

> She came at her with a sai, but Jade
> used a crescent kick to get it out of her hand. Mileena threw the other
> sai at her, but she ducked and it stuck into the back wall.

Tsuneo: [Sean] AAARGH!

> Mileena
> shrugged at the loss of her sais and she simply slugged Jade in her face,

Sandra: Good shot, madam!

> knocking her off the table. She dove to finish her off, but the men held
> her back. She screamed in a raspy, evil voice that did not match her looks.**

Rebecca: [Mileena] I was once a man!
Tsuneo: You've been waiting ages to do that, haven't you?
Dan: You're still no Rick. Sorry.

> Mileena: LET ME KILL HER!!!! GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!

Dan: Hey, hey, no killing in the mess. If you want to kill someone, take it outside.

> Chun-Li: Remind me why she's so bad again.......

> Sonya: She used to abuse Kitana.

Sandra: And eat kittens on toast with Vegemite.

> Ryu: You poor girl!!

> Kitana: Do not feel pity for me. I murdered her many years ago.

Rebecca: And you thought your family had problems, Dan.
Tsuneo: Say, haven't you missed your annual bomb from your sister?
Dan: I'm sure she hasn't forgotten me.

> Cammy: Then what is she doing here beating prostitutes?

Dan: [Kitana] Well she got better.

> Kitana: She is immortal, as am I. Killing her was my only defense, but I
> was not aware of our ability to regenerate. I killed her in her sleep.

Rebecca: [Kitana] I'm the good one, remember?

> **Mileena turned and made eye contact with Kitana. Upon closer inspection,
> you could see the untamed thirst for blood in her eyes.**

Dan: [Mileena] Brains... Must have brains...

> Sonya: They can read each other's minds.

Sandra: And some days they read each other's mail.

> Kitana: (looks back down to her food.) She tries to make me kill people.
> The wishes to turn me insane.

Tsuneo: Oh, she's been making you read this fic?

> Chun-Li: And you can't get rid of her?

Dan: [Kitana] No matter what detergent I use.

> Kitana: She will not die. 

Sandra: She's got a syndicated series.

> Johnny: Jade's starting to dance again. Let's go.

> **The fighters went back to their bunkhouses and got some rest. They had
> a long day.**

Rebecca: You think that was bad, just you wait until the tournament actually
begins.

> **In the morning, the tournament would begin. The fighters prepared for
> combat, then went to breakfast. In the women's bunkhouse, Sonya changed
> into her trademark green spandex sports bra, black stretch pants, and boots.
> Cammy wore a wife beater, green camouflage pants, and combat boots. Chun-Li
> wore a tiny purple tank top and gray gi pants, with her usual two buns in
> her hair.**

Dan: INTENSE CLOTHES DESCRIPTION ACTION!
Rebecca: So how come the clothes get described, but not the characters?
Tsuneo: And why does a special forces soldier wear spandex?
Rebecca: She's 'special forces' in a purely Wildstorm sense of the term.

> Cammy: I'm surprised, most of your body is covered.

> Chun-Li: I went for the sporty look today.

> Sonya: I go for the sporty look every day.

> Cammy: I'm not changing my style for a tournament. I always dress like this.

Dan: So you wear a legless leotard to go down to the shops?
Rebecca: Every time.

> Chun-Li: That's why no man or woman wants to date you.

> Cammy: My purpose here isn't to flaunt my body.

> Chun-Li: Flaunt what? Girl, you're as flat as Sonya's hair.

Dan: Excuse me? Are you blind or something?
Tsuneo: I'm beginning to think the authour is.

> Sonya: Hey!! I could have body and volume if I wanted it!!

> Cammy: I don't need breasts to win a fight.

Rebecca [Sonya]: Well some of us are actually modelled off *real people* and could
actually *stand up* or *exist*.

> Chun-Li: You need them for balance. Your ass is too big to have a flat chest.
> You're bottom heavy.

Sandra: [Cammy] Tool. I knew I shouldn't have eaten those last dozen chocolate eclairs.

> Cammy: My ass is all muscle and I'm proud of it. My biceps and back muscles
> balance me out.

> Sonya: You do have impressive muscles for a girl.

Sandra: I'm better. [Flexes arm]
Rebecca: But you've got cybernetics.
Sandra: Oh sure, just take all the wind out of my sails.

> Cammy: (flexes her enormous bicep) I may be a foot shorter than everyone here,
> but big things come in small packages!!

Tsuneo: That's good things.
Dan: The only things you get in small packages is disappointment or bombs.

> Chun-Li: Big things come in big packages, too. (flexes her bicep)

> Sonya: Medium things come in medium packages. (flexes her bicep)

Rebecca: [Sonya] Um... That is to say... I really lost that one.
Dan: Someone's compensating.

> **Kitana appeared in

Sandra: ...the exact same outfit as Jade and Mileena, only in blue.
Rebecca: Which reminds me, did you hear that Tankara are making Mortal
Kombat figures?
Dan: Didn't know that. So who do they have?
Rebecca: Well, they've got the usual gang of idiots, but the really
sought-after item is this year's exclusive recolor.
Tsuneo: What's that?
Rebecca: Black Noob Saibot.

> a blue leather corset, black stretch pants, and boots.

Dan: I thought you only wore that stuff in private.

> She
> wore her very long black hair down and she held her steel-bladed fans closed.**

> Kitana: Hello.

Dan: Is that all?
Rebecca: [Kitana] Do you know how hard it is to talk in this corset? Do you know
how hard it is to *breathe* in this?

> Sonya: You've been wearing the same thing for 6,000 years!!

Rebecca [Sonya]: And, frankly, it's beginning to smell.

> Kitana: As long as it fits and stays in one piece, it will do. Let us eat.

Dan: All you people do is bitch and eat! Are we going to have a fight?
Sandra: Are we going to actually have a plot?
Tsuneo: Don't you remember? Raiden appeared and exposited. This IS the plot.

> **The girls headed for the mess hall where most of the guys already were. Johnny
> wore blue spandex pants and sneakers with his sunglasses.

Sandra: Some people wear sunglasses as an accessory. Johnny accessorises his
clothes to his sunglasses.

> Jax wore red pants and
> combat boots. Ryu and ken wore their gi's.

Tsuneo: Every now and then they wore each others' just to confuse people.
Rebecca: Guile wore a black halter top and red miniskirt. No-one knows why.

> They sat at their usual table on the middle aisle. **

Dan: Ken and Ryu have a usual table after only one day?
Rebecca: The Maitre'd is psychic.

> Ken: (rubs his hands together and looks around) I can't wait to take
> some of these chicks home. I want a piece of that Jade chick.

Tsuneo [Ryu]: Ken, you're married.
Dan [Ken]: Oh yeah. I keep forgetting that.

> Ryu: You are too hung up on women. You must concentrate on the fight.

Dan: [Ken] You don't get any, do you Ryu?
Tsuneo: [Ryu] No. [Sobs]

> Kitana: Well said, Ryu. (smiles at Ryu)

Dan: [Ken] You don't get any either.
Sandra: Well what do you expect? Her boyfriend's a celibate monk!

> Ryu: Thanx. (not getting Kitana's signal)

Dan: Ryu just doesn't get it full stop.

> Chun-Li: Where's Vega? I miss his stupid ass comments.

Rebecca: He and Bennimaru are... You know, in back.
Tsuneo: Where'd Bennimaru come from?
Rebecca: Behind. Where else? [Tsuneo hits her]

> Ken: He took off to fight for Bison. Ooooooohhhh, look at that girl's ass!! 

Sandra: Twenty says this is Sheeva.

> **The woman Ken was looking at turned around and he saw that she had 4
> arms and a giant, bulging forehead.

Sandra: Score!
Dan: Well maybe she has a nice personality.

> Not to mention, she looked like a
> cross between a dominatrix and a candy apple.**

Dan: [Ryu] That's it Ken, you are going home, right now!

> Ken: Yuk!!!

> Sonya: (laughs) That's Sheeva!!! She is one of the nastiest things
> I've ever seen.

Tsuneo: Mortal Kombat Annihilation was another one.

> I never fought her. I would forfeit the tournament
> before I would ever touch her.

Rebecca: [Sonya] She's got four-armed freak cooties.

> Cammy: Here comes Vega.

Sandra: Wackiness is about to ensue. Whoops, I said ensue.

> **Vega approached the table with a smug look on his face.**

Rebecca: And in back, Bennimaru was zipping up his pants. [Tsuneo
hits her with a cushion]

> Vega: Hello, guys.

Dan: [Vega] Hello ladies.

> (puts his arms around Ken and Ryu's shoulders)

Dan: [Ken] Any closer and it's a sexual harassment suit.

> I can't wait to take you all on in the competition.

Tsuneo: What, all at once?

> **Ken brushed Vega's hand off his shoulder. Ryu left the hand there
> and smiled at Vega**

Tsuneo: Okay, so he's the world's greatest martial artist, but he's a
bit clueless at times.

> Chun-Li: I hope I fight you.

> Vega: Me too. We're in about the same weight division, 200lbs.....

Dan: Since when did the Street Fighter competition divide by wieght?
Rebecca: Since Honda sat on Sakura.

> Chun-Li: WHAT????? Buddy, I have a 24-inch waist!! I ain't nobody's
> 200lbs!!!

Rebecca: Put down the chocolate eclair and say that again.

> I can't wait to wrap that girly hair around your neck and
> watch your pretty face turn purple!!!!

> Vega: We'll see about that. I owe you for this scar on my face.

Tsuneo: [Vega] It itches. [He runs a finger down the side of his face]
Itches. Itches. Itches.

> Sonya: (squints to see the microscopic little imperfection on Vega's
> cheek) That ain't no scar!!!!

Dan: [Vega] It's Acne! NNNOOOOOO!
Sandra: Even ninjas fear zits.

> (puts her leg up on the table and pulls
> her pants up to reveal a 4 inch scar on her leg) Now THAT's a scar.

Dan: Where'd you get that?
Rebecca: [Sonya] Queuing for Harry Potter tickets. Those ten year-olds
are vicious!

> Vega: A handsome fighter never loses.

> Ryu: Then how did you lose? No offense, Chun-Li.

> Vega: Look at Chun-Li. She is a beautiful woman. Very confident about
> her appearance. She knows she is physically perfect. I liked that in
> a woman. She caught me off guard.

Dan: You attacked her in the shower!
Rebecca: [Vega] But I was caught off guard.
Dan: You were?
Rebecca: [Vega] I was hoping it would be Guile instead.

> Chun-Li: So, do you hunt down, stalk, and try to kill all the girls
> you like?

> Vega: Some.....

> Chun-Li: I should've put you away when I had the chance.

Rebecca: [Chun Li] I mean, I did drop you out a twentieth storey window.
What's a girl meant to do?
Tsuneo: He was fine. He crashed into Geese Howard on the way down.

> Cammy: I didn't lose to her because I'm ugly. She's just a cheap
> fighter.

Dan: [Cammy] She cornered me and kept mashing the buttons.
Sandra: [Chun Li] Quit whining. Just admit you lost.
Dan: [Cammy] And I was being played by a ten year-old twit at the time.

> Chun-Li: Cammy, we'll be here all day, let's not get into this...

Tsuneo: Please, no more diversions. Can we just get this over and done
with already?

> Cammy: She robbed me of the title!!

Dan: [Cammy] My foot was under the rope!
Rebecca: Technically Cammy won it, but Kevin Nash made Arn Anderson
reverse his decision.

> Ken: Give it a rest, you ugly little mutt!!

> Cammy: Shut your bloody cakehole, Ken!! I'll mop the floor with that
> shaggy hair of yours!!

Tsuneo: I'm glad we're in such sophisticated company.

> Chun-Li: Yeah, Barbie, butt out.

> Vega: I am going to eat now.

Dan: Again with the eating! Let's just have the fight already!
Tsuneo: Do you really want to see this guy write a fight scene?
Sandra: [Vega] And now the mighty Vega goes to consume his hapless lunch!
Cower in fear, oh so brief meal!
Rebecca: Vega doesn't talk like Dr. Doom, you know.
Sandra: Yeah, but it's so fun.

> I must be in top condition to scar Chun-Li's face!!

> Chun-Li: Let him try, I'll rip his spine out and clean his ears with it. 

Rebecca: Well that would make for an amusing fatality.

> Ryu: Speaking of such violence, are we really allowed to kill?

Dan: Only if you hit the right button combo.
Tsuneo: You're also allowed to give them flowers and turn them into babies.
Go figure.

> Sonya: Yuppers. That's one of my favorite parts of this contest!

Dan: [Sonya] That and the egg and spoon race.

> Cammy: I can't wait!!! Such fun this will be!!!

Rebecca: [Cammy] I'm a happy little psychopath.

> **A medium height Chinese man approached the table. He wore black pants
> and a white tank top.

Tsuneo: Marshall Law in a surprise cameo.

> He made a beeline for Kitana.

Dan: Zzzzooom!
Sandra: All cars, we have a Chinese monk heading towards Kitana. Try to
cut him off, and apprehend using all available force.

> Kitana: Hello, Liu.

> Liu: (kisses Kitana) Are you all ready to lose?

Tsuneo: [Ryu] I lose to nobody.

> Ryu: What?

> Liu: I'm the best fighter on the planet. You will all lose to me!!

All: He's dead.

> Ken: We're a team against outworld.......aren't we?

> Liu: In the end, there's only one winner: ME.

Dan: [Liu Kang] Ego and I say so.

> Sonya: Rolls her eyes, then leans over to whisper to Chun-Li) He is
> the chosen one.

Rebecca: He even has the guitar to prove it.

> After the first few tournaments, it kinda got to his
> head. He so full of himself!! I hope he dies in this one.

Rebecca: [Chun Li] We all feel that way about Ryu, but it never happens
either.
Dan: [Ryu] But I always win!
Rebecca: So what happens if those two fight?
Tsuneo: Terry Bogard wins.

> Chun-Li: (whispers back) That's mean! Isn't he our only hope?

Sandra: No, that's Babylon 5.

> Sonya: His ego's making him weaker. I want to see someone else win.

Dan: Doesn't matter. He'll just have a hissy fit and get the title back
at the next pay-per-view.

> Chun-Li: Me too. I'm sick of seeing Ryu win everything.

> Kitana: (begins to look bored with her boyfriend)

Rebecca: [Kitana] You know, this celibacy thing is beginning to wear thin.

> Something tells me
> that this tournament will not be so simple for you, Liu Kang.

Tsuneo: There's twice as many people in it for starters.
Dan: And they have the unholy power of palette-swap ninjas!
Tsuneo: That was pointless.
Dan: So are most of the ninjas.

> Liu: Nonsense. I always win.

> Ken: So does Ryu!! 

> Liu: Him? (points to Ryu) He's nothing.

Dan: Are you kidding? He's a shoto. He's got the fireball. He's got the
uppercut. He's got... Well, the other move. You can't stop him.

> **Mileena stared at Kitana from her table. They were locked onto each
> other's eyes.**

Sandra: And launched their missiles.

> Johnny: Man, she's scary!!

> Sonya: I'm actually kinda glad we have more chicks. I think Mileena's
> gonna try something.

Dan: She's trying for a triple somersault with pike.
Sandra: Now that was a real cup of hot fat right there. I wouldn't be
surprised if the judges gave it nothing. There ya go, a line of zeroes.
Nope, sorry. But thanks for coming. See you in four years.

> Kitana: (staying focused on her sister) Her heart grows colder every day.

Rebecca: Maybe you should turn up the thermostat.

> I have tried to make pace with her, yet she still wishes for my death. 

> Liu: She's evil, so what? She'll die too.

> Kitana: She is immortal.

Tsuneo: So's Geese Howard, from the looks of things. And he loses every time.

> Liu: I can take immortals.

Sandra: Although he usually needs to have a glass of water with them.

> Kitana: I am trying to figure out the secret to killing her.

Dan: Have you tried decapitating her with a sword?

> Whatever it
> is, it is also the cure for my own immortality. Since she invades my
> thoughts, I may never find it.

Tsuneo: Just go check on the net for FAQs.

> Mileena: (traces a finger across her neck, then takes her tray and
> leaves the cafeteria)

Dan: Hey there you go, I was right.
Sandra: I want to know who's doing the catering for the outworld.

> Kitana: And in turn I will know if she finds the secret. Our immortality
> is certainly conditional. All we must do is figure out what these
> conditions are....

Tsuneo: It's simple. Every time you die, you restart in a town with less
money and no equipment. Then some geek claming to be a beautiful young
woman goes and kills you in five minutes.

> Liu: You speak of nothing. Where is this wisdom that everyone knows you
> for? Girl, all you need is me.

Dan: [Liu Kang] All you need is Liu Kang and his sweet Shaolin loving.

> Sonya: (shakes her head) Let's go.

> **The fighters went to the arena.

Tsuneo: At last, we're getting to the action!
Sandra: Why are you so hung up on the fight scenes?
Tsuneo: Because it's obvious that the fic won't end until they're all done.
Sandra: Bring 'em on!

> One side consisted of outworld warriors and the other was Earth realm warriors.

Rebecca: And a few indecisive people in the middle.

> Our heroes stood at the doorway with Gill.**

> Chun-Li: Where's Bison, Kahn, and Shang Tsung? 

Tsuneo: They got while the getting was good.
Rebecca: They're back at Bison's swinging pad in Thailand. They're taking turns at
ringing the big bell with Balrog's head.
Sandra: At last, someone's found a use for him.

> Gill: They have chosen not to attend. They are watching it from
> wherever they're hiding out.

Dan: And laughing.

> Ryu: Who's up first?

Rebecca: Well first we've got a dark match with R. Mika versus Rain to warm the
crowd up, or alternatively put them off for life.

> Gill: (looks at his schedule) Johnny Cage VS. Sagat.

Sandra: I'm sensing a little bit of undue influence on the booking committee...

> Johnny: That's me....

Tsuneo: You are so dead.

> Gill: You better get going then.

Dan: So how come Gill's not in this? I mean, he's so damned cheap, he
could own them all.
Tsuneo: Yeah, but he has to wash his hair.
Dan: When will he be done?
Tsuneo: Christmas.

> Sonya: Who's Sagat?

Sandra: One of a few people who got out of Street Fighter alive.

> Ken/Chun-Li/Cammy: Fagat.

> Johnny: (Laughs) What's he like?

Dan: Kind of big.
Rebecca: Made entirely of original body parts.

> Cammy: He's the cheapest bloke I've ever seen!!

> Chun-Li: (points to Fagat.....er...Sagat) One-eyed Willy over there.

Sandra: You may mock him, but he wants you all to know that he's hung
like a horse.

> **Fagat/Sagat was 7 feet tall and extremely muscular. He wore a patch
> over his eye

Dan: [Sagat] Next time someone tells you not to run with scissors,
listen to them!

> and had an enormous scar across his chest, which was caused
> by Ryu in the first Alpha tournament many years ago.

Dan: [Sagat] So when you tell someone else not to run with scissors,
you hope they'd listen to you too!

> He was a Muy Tai champion. He fought VERY cheaply.**

Rebecca: Cough, cough, shoto-clone, cough...

> Sonya: Well, Cage here is the cheapest bastard in this tournament. It's
> a good match.

Sandra: So who is cheaper?
Tsuneo: If they were any cheaper, one of them would be Eddie Gordo.

> Johnny: He's huge!!

Dan: [Johnny] Makes me feel so inadequate.

> Ken: He's nothing.

Sandra: Damn straight. Most people just stuff him in the back of the
Thunder Machine with stray Drednocks.
Rebecca: Number of jokes thus far about the GI Joe Street Fighter figures:
Five.

> Jax: Go for it, man.

Dan: [Jax] Twenty says he buys it.
Rebecca: [Sonya] Are you saying that because you dislike him, or because
that would eliminate your only rival for my affections?
Dan: [Jax] You damn right.

> **Johnny stepped into the ring to face Fagat.....I mean Sagat.

Tsuneo: It's official, the authour isn't even trying.

> His friends watched from the doorway.

Dan: There was nobody there.

> Johnny bowed, but Fagat stood still.

Sandra: So then he used the squirrel grip.
Dan: [Sagat; pained] Didn't see that coming.

> The match began and Fagat threw a roundhouse kick at Johnny. He threw
> it with ease, so Johnny didn't expect the force that was behind it.

Tsuneo: Him being seven feet tall might have something to do with it.

> He tried to block it, but was knocked aside. He stumbled, the regained
> this balance. He performed his shadow kick. Fagat stepped aside and
> watched Johnny slide past him.

Dan: And straight into a tree.
Sandra: Ladies and gentlemen: Our Hero.

> He let out that stupid, annoying laugh

Rebecca: The part of Sagat will be played by Kefka. Thank you.
Dan: [Sagat] Oh, well. What a pathetic excuse for a fighter. VWEHEHEHE!

> that made Sonya want to jump into the ring and personally silence him.
> Johnny threw a wheel kick, but it was blocked by Fagat and Fagat
> punched him in his stomach, then uppercutted him.

Dan: Is 'uppercutted' even a word?

> Johnny felt dizzy
> after having the wind knocked out of him. Sagat moved in for his tiger
> uppercut.

Sandra: But instead, decided to use his Jaguar Hard Left, and then follow
with his Cute Fluffy Kitten Eye Poke.

> Johnny hit the floor, but was not knocked out. Fagat used his
> cheap Tiger Shot to try to finish him off.

Tsuneo: And please remind me why Sagat is so cheap?
Dan: Because the authour could never beat him in the arcade.

> Johnny snapped out of it,
> rose to his feet, and used the cheapest move ever created:

Dan: Eddie's legsweep chain?
Tsuneo: Clark's Death Valley Driver?
Rebecca: Baiken's uppercut?
Sandra: Hyabusa's counter spinning piledriver of certain doom?

> the high green bolt.

Tsuneo: Yes, it's so cheap that you block it.

> If you've ever played Mortal Kombat, there is no escape from this
> unless you directly block it, which Fagat did not do because he thought
> Johnny was finished.

Dan: Folks, this is how he became the champion.
Rebecca: That and being friends with Eric Bischoff.

> Johnny kept using the high green bolt

Dan: But then maximum damage kicked in and he fell over for no apparent reason.
Sandra: Boredom?

> and finally knocked Fagat out.

Tsuneo: Now who's the cheap one?

> It was time to decide: Fatality or not?**

Dan: Pick the box!
Rebecca: Go with the snapper!
Dan: Pick the box!
Rebecca: Go with the snapper!

> Sonya: Go for it, Cage!!!

Dan: Aren't these meant to be the good guys?
Rebecca: In a purely Rob Liefield sense of the term.

> **Johnny did as he was told. He knew better than to disobey Sonya. He
> used the spine rip to kill Fagat. He grabbed him by the neck and ripped
> his spine out of his body. The crowd cheered as blood splattered on those
> who sat in the front row.**

Sandra: [Bored] And the crowd changes colour. A winner is you.

> Chun-Li: I've waited a LONG time for that.

Tsuneo: Say, how long has this fic been going?

> Cammy: I'll never hear the words "Tiger Shot" ever again!! I don't
> know if I should laugh or cry...

Tsuneo: I'm crying.
Rebecca: I'm laughing.
Dan: I'm hungry.
Sandra: I'm suicidal.

> Ryu: That was sort of gory for my taste...

Dan: Wuss.
Sandra: Do you know how hard it is to get bloodstains off a white gi?

> **Soon, it was evening and the fighters relaxed. There had been a few
> matches that day and Earth realm had won them all.

Dan: So why did we only get to see one of them?
Tsuneo: The authour didn't have any issues with the fighters in the other matches.

> Johnny and Jax were hanging out in the girls' bunkhouse.

Rebecca: Trying on each other's bras.

> The guys wanted to loosen Ryu up, so they filled him with liquor.

Sandra: Then they smuggled him across state lines.

> Johnny was playing poker with Chun-Li,
> Cammy was cleaning her collection of firearms, and Sonya and Jax wrestled.

Rebecca: So that's what they're calling it these days.
Dan: Nude submission wrestling?

> Kitana sat in the corner meditating. Sakura and Hokuto were in the back
> room reading 'Teen Beat'.**

Tsuneo: Those two have really contributed, haven't they? What did the authour
do, pick their names out of a hat?
Dan: Actually, that would explain a lot.

> Chun-Li: I win. Pay up.

> Johnny: damnit. (hands Chun-Li $125) I want a rematch.

> Chun-Li: My pleasure. (fans herself with the money) I could spend all
> night winning.

> Jax: I win!!!

> Sonya: No fair, you're half metal. 

Dan: [Jax, muttered] Actually, they're just rubber sleeves. It's kinda
embarrassing.

> Jax: Excuses, excuses. Quit frontin, you just can't wrestle.

Sandra: He can too wrestle. Well, insofar as a leg drop is a "Wrestling"
manoeuvre.

> Sonya: Let's kick box. That's my game.

> Jax: No, thanx. Last time, you broke my tooth. Let's just watch
> Johnny lose.

> **The door swung open and Mileena stood in the doorway. She walked
> boldly into the room. She opened her mouth and spoke in a disgusting,
> raspy voice.**

Sandra: [Mileena] Has anyone got a throatie?

> Mileena: Get out, I want a word with my sister.

Rebecca: [Mileena] 'Antidisestablishmentarianism.' Thank you. [They all
applaud discretely]

> Sonya: You better not hurt her.

Rebecca: [Sonya] It's my turn to do the laundry, and it's so hard getting
bloodstains out of the sheets.

> Mileena: You better not tell me what to do!! All of you, be gone from
> my sight.

> **Everyone moved to the back room.

Rebecca: It's kinda cramped in here.

> Chun-Li and Johnny resumed their game with Mileena spoke to Kitana.**

Dan: I thought she wanted everyone to leave?
Tsuneo: Well, all second-rate, non-hero characters at least.

> Mileena: I want you to help me find a way around our immortality.

Dan: Well that's simple. Go straight to jail, do not pass 'Go,' do not
collect eternal life.

> Kitana: Why?

> Mileena: Don't play stupid.

Tsuneo: Who's playing?

> I know you've been thinking about it.
> All I can hear is your weak, pathetic voice haunting my every thought.

Rebecca: [Kitana] You know, you should be eating a salad instead of that
ice cream.
Sandra [Mileena]: Nag, nag, nag. That's all you ever do. We don't talk any
more.

> I want a final fight, woman to woman. One of us must die. We were not
> meant to coexist.

Dan: Is this a polite way of saying "it's time to move out of the house,
you lazy bum?"

> Kitana: You are right, sister. We must find out what it is that keeps us
> alive.

Tsuneo: Midway constantly cranking out sequels for no good reason?
Sandra: The miracle of the palette swap.

> Besides, I have longed for a chance to work with you again.

> Mileena: Don't get too excited. You shall die.

> Kitana: You do not know that for sure.

> Mileena: I'll make sure of it. 

> Kitana: May the best woman win.

Dan: [Kitana] Don't talk to strangers.
Rebecca: [Kitana] Look both ways before crossing the street.
Tsuneo: [Kitana] Brush your teeth three times a day.
Sandra [Kitana]: And allways eat your greens.

> Mileena: Until next time. (leaves)

Tsuneo: So if they share a telepathic link, why did she need to barge
in here?
Rebecca: There was too much noise on the line.

> **After Mileena left, the fighters resumed their normal activities.

Sandra: There's nothing normal about any of this.

> Once again, the door swung open.

All [Singing, off-key]: Good king Wesclas did look out/
on the feast of Stephen/
When the snow lay on the ground/
Thick and kind of even.
Something something something something/
Something cold and cruel/
When he came across a man/
Something something fuel.
Dan [Eccles]: Merry Christmas.
Tsuneo [Bloodnock]: But it's July.
Dan: [Eccles] Hold on, I'd better have a talk with the guys. [They
all make whispering noises] Penny for the Guy?
Tsuneo: [Bloodnock] That's not until November!
Dan [Eccles]: Can we come in and wait?
Rebecca: Completely inexplicable. 100 points.

> This time, it was Jade.**

Rebecca: I'd rather have the ten Eccles choir.

> Sonya: What's that rancid stench?

Dan: Its either a Akane, C-Ko and Misato on Iron Chef, or something
just died in here.
Tsuneo [Scorpion]: Ahem! Some of us take offence at that!
Dan: Whoops, sorry about that.

> Chun-Li: Smells like fish......

> Johnny: Tastes like chicken....

> Cammy: Hold your nose........

> Jax: And keep on lickin.

> Kitana: Greetings, Jade.

All: Well hello, Newman.

> Jade: Hi, everybody! (strikes a pose)

Dan: [Bobs his head up and down] Do those ever stop? [Rebecca hits
him with a cushion]

> Sonya: (flicks a poker chip at Jade)

Rebecca: [Rolls a dice] Critical hit!

> Go away!!!!!!

> Chun-Li: You'z a hoe.

[Tsuneo holds up a hoe]

Sandra: We get the idea.
Tsuneo: The authour didn't.

> Jade: (bounces her enormous silicone breasts)

Dan [Jade]: Me bouncy!

> You're all jealous!!!

Rebecca: [Sonya] Wait until your back gives out and say that again.

> Jax: We don't want no outworld fighters in here.

Sandra: Sadly, racial segregation was yet to be eliminated on the island.
Dan: So Reptile still has to ride in the back of the bus?
Sandra: 'Fraid so.

> Jade: You know that it's not my choice to serve Kahn. It's all I can
> do to keep from getting killed. Kitana, I gotta tell you something.

Rebecca: [Jade] They're real, and they're great!

> Kitana: What is it? Are you pregnant with Shao Kahn's child?

Rebecca [Jade]: Either him or Elvis. I'm not sure.

> Jade: Of course not. He's sterile, you know that.

Tsuneo: No, we didn't.
Sandra: [Sonya] So his 'mighty hammer...'
Dan: [Jade] Nope.

> I wanted to talk to you about Liu Kang.

Dan: Don't tell me you've been doing him too.
Rebecca: I think that by this point, Jade has "done" everything on the
island.

> Kitana: What about him?

Sandra: [Jade] His 'emerald dragon...'
Dan: [Kitana] No, it doesn't either.

> Jade: I noticed you aren't as close as you used to be...

> Sonya: She's boinkin him.

> Kitana: This is true.

Dan: Well, when you put it like that...

> Jade: Well, I was wondering if you're breaking up.

> Kitana: I believe our relationship shall soon come to an end. Why
> is it any concern of yours?

Rebecca: [Jade] We've got a betting pool going and I want to know first.

> Jade: Well, I don't want you to be unhappy.

> Sonya: Jade, you're so full of crap!

Tsuneo: Since she's a palette swap, doesn't that apply to Kitana and Mileena?
Dan: Different coloured crap, but crap none the less.

> Jade: Butt out, you beer-drinking, butt-scratching tomboy!!

Sandra: I see the First Wives Club has finally fallen apart.

> Sonya: Shut your filthy mouth. I can smell the cum on your breath!!

Dan: And with a hint of minty freshness. [Sandra and Rebecca hit him
with cushions]
Tsuneo: Ultimate Combo!

> Kitana: Sonya is right; it is unlike you to think of the well-being
> of others. What is the true purpose of this visit?

Dan: [Jade] Oh, nothing. Just here to annoy you.

> Jade: (takes a deep breath) I want Liu Kang.

Sandra: [Jade] Preferably mint on card.
Rebecca: [Kitana] Buy or swap?
Sandra: [Jade] I've got a loose blue Bison, complete with shoulder pads.
Rebecca: [Kitana] I don't know...
Sandra: [Jade] I'll throw in a grape-flavoured Dhalsim!
Rebecca: [Kitana] Deal!

> Sonya: (jumps back, holding her chest) I'm shocked!!

Tsuneo: And the Golden Raspberry for the worst actress goes to...

> Kitana: That is what you were keeping from me? Take him, he is yours.

> Chun-Li: You deserve each other.

Sandra: Like dung beetles deserve dung, I guess.
Rebecca: And Chun-Li hardly knows them.

> Jade: Thank you, Kitana!! I didn't want to take another girl's boyfriend!

> Sonya: Since when has that ever stopped you?

Tsuneo: Since the last time she was in character?
Sandra: Mortal Kombat people have character?
Tsuneo: Well, a page of text on the opening screen.
Sandra: Do palette-swaps get the same text in a different colour?
Tsuneo: Now you're being silly.

> Jade: (bounces to the door)

Dan: Someone get her off the Space Hopper!
Tsuneo: 'Space Hopper,' Dan?
Dan: It's a fearsome ninja weapon!
Rebecca: Didn't the 1993 Snake Eyes come with one?

> I won't forget this!! (leaves)

Tsuneo: And promptly hit her head on the doorframe on the way out.

[They all applaud discreetly]

> Cammy: I want to fight HER. She needs to die.

> Sonya: I never get tired of kicking her face in.

Dan: They must have some pretty good cosmetic surgeons in the outworld.

> Of course, I always end up throwing away a good pair of boots.

> **Jax and Johnny returned to the men's bunkhouse to find Ryu and Dan
> dancing dirty on the table.

Tsuneo: Ryu would never live this night down.
Rebecca: You think that's bad? Blanka's off photocopying his butt.

> Occasionally, Dan would jump down and chase
> some of the men, trying to rip their clothes off, but he never succeeded.

Sandra: Dan sucks at everything.
Rebecca: And you hardly know him.
Dan: HEY!

> After a while, things calmed down and everyone went to sleep.

Dan: Then someone's car alarm went off for no reason.

> The next
> morning, everybody woke up, except poor Ryu, who was still passed out.

Tsuneo: [Ryu] Ah, football practice...

> After breakfast, everyone reported to the Arena.

Dan: Even if they had to be dragged there.
Sandra: Blanka must be kept on a lead at all times.

> The match was Mileena vs. Liu Kang.

Tsuneo: So who's going to win?
Dan: What, you mean the headline character or the palette swap?
Tsuneo: Natch.

> As usual, the overly confident Liu Kang stood in the ring,
> with his nose in the air.

Dan: [Sniffs; Liu Kang] Bacon.

> Jade wasted no time in picking up Kitana's
> rebound. She was all over Liu Kang, rubbing him all over and kissing him.**

Rebecca: [Kitana] What's this all about?
Dan: [Liu Kang] Bullfighters do it too. They claim that it improves the eye.

> Chun-Li: I wanna see what this girl's got.

Rebecca: And I didn't think you were interested in other women.

> Sonya: She's crazy. 

Dan: She's fawning all over the moderately buff headline character. Who's
the crazy one?

> Kitana: Liu Kang will die.

> Johnny: Why do you know everything?

Dan: [Kitana] When I'm through with him...

> Kitana: Nobody knows everything. I could see this coming, though.

Tsuneo: She's been looking up spoiler pages again.
Dan: Yeah, well they also say that Kano's going to come back and kick them all.

[They all laugh]

> Jax: You really think Liu met his match?

Sandra: Well, he doesn't have a headswap yet...

> Kitana: Liu was once a great warrior.

Sandra: Then he got demoted to Ohio Valley and now look at him...

> He could have defeated my sister.
> He now fights too carelessly and foolishly. Mileena will take full
> advantage of his weakness.

Rebecca: [Kitana] I mean, the AI's pretty advanced, but it keeps on stopping
to taunt at the wrong moments.

> **Mileena walked into the ring and faced Liu Kang. Her menacing eyes meant
> nothing to the egotistical, arrogant fighter.

Dan: [Liu Kang] Visine?

> The fight began and Liu
> threw a loose, rather lazy punch at Mileena's face. She dodged and let
> out a raspy cackle, which quickly turned into a cough.

Tsuneo: You should really see a doctor about that.

> When she was done hacking,

Sandra: And setting up a few bogus e-mail accounts and started spamming
away to her heart's content.

> Liu threw a series of kicks at her. She blocked them all and she
> back fisted him in the face, chopped his neck, and scraped his eye.

Rebecca: Then whipped him into the corner and delivered a massive chop.
WHOOO!
Dan: Then tweaked his nipples, pulled his hair and gave him a stoogie.

> Mileena
> never showed mercy and she always mutilated her opponents. Liu pulled out
> his dragon sword

Rebecca: Hey, not in public!

> and swung at Mileena. She quickly drew her sais and they
> went at it for a while.

Sandra: What, in the middle of the ring like that? What a pair of randy tools.

> Finally, his confidence got the best of him and he
> left himself open. Mileena stabbed his wrist and he dropped his sword. Blood
> gushed out of the wound. He panicked and froze. Mileena side kicked him
> square in the face and knocked him out.

Rebecca: While Mileena spun on her back on the ground.
Dan: Spinaroonie! Spinaroonie!
Tsuneo: Then for some reason he stood up and swayed on his feet.

> She pulled her mask down, revealing her infamous mouth.**

Rebecca: And the infamous piece of spinach between her teeth.

> Kitana: Man Eater.

> **Mileena ate Liu Kang.

Tsuneo: Tastes like chicken.
Dan: I mean, I get peckish afterwards too, but this is getting ridiculous.
Rebecca: I'm not going to think about how that one could be taken.

> This was one of her bad habits, but also her best-known fatality.

Rebecca: So she has other fatalities?
Tsuneo: Yeah, her dentist's bill.
Sandra: That's a bad habit? What else does she do, casually machine-gun nuns?

> This resulted in the first outworld victory of the tournament.
> Mileena wiped the blood from her mouth

Rebecca: Etiquette demands you use a serviette after biting someone's head off.

> and pulled her mask up. She walked away
> quietly while half the crowd cheered, some cried, some laughed, and some puked.**

Dan: And a couple of people changed channel.

> Chun-Li: That was absolutely disgusting!!

Sandra: I mean, she didn't even use the proper fork.

> Sonya: I told you she had some dental issues.

Tsuneo: "Dental issues?" Did she really just say that?
Sandra: I think the authour found a new word.

> Cammy: That was pretty amusing if you ask me.

Dan: No-one did.

> Ken: You scare me sometimes.

> Kitana: I have watched my sister take the lives of many men. Liu Kang was
> once special, but he brought this upon himself. For once, Mileena's taste
> for blood has benefited this realm.

Rebecca: So... getting your best fighter killed is a good thing?
Dan: Only if you're betting against your own team.

> Johnny: You act like she did this out of the goodness of her heart!

> Kitana: I know she did not mean well, but this is as close as she will ever
> come to doing a good deed again.

Dan: Wow, you really did hate him. I mean, no "Honey, do you think you could
be less of a knobhead?"
Rebecca: This is how immortal palette swap ninjas break up.
Dan: Remind me to never go out with one.

> **Gill came down and approached the group**

Tsuneo: [Gill] I still have no idea what I'm doing here.

> Gill: Man, we were on a winning streak until now.

> Johnny: Don't sweat it, we'll win.

Dan: We've got more shoto-clones than them.
Sandra: But it wouldn't hurt to have a contingency plan.
Dan: Then they'll use the unholy power of Balrog!

[Dead silence]

Dan: Or not.

> Kitana: That is the kind of attitude that killed Liu Kang.

Dan: No, what killed Lui Kang was a girl with really, really big teeth.

> Sonya: Don't try to shrink that big head of his, Kitana. Trust me, I've
> tried and failed. Just let him be stupid.

Tsuneo: So why do you go out with him then?
Rebecca: [Sonya] He's a millionaire movie star and he's got a very big 'car.'

> Gill: Chun-Li, you're up next.

> Chun-Li: Really? Who's the victim?

Dan: Weren't we just saying something about overconfidence?
Sandra: With the way Chunners has been twinked in recent games, she can afford
to be overconfident.

> Gill: I fixed this one up myself just for you. Vega.

Tsuneo: Since when has Gill had the authority to arrange matches in the
outworld?
Sandra: Since the Street Fighter tournament was held in an arena, Gill was
in charge, they got around in busses, Bison worked with Shao Khan, Chun Li
was 6 feet tall and Cammy was a psycho lesbian.
Tsuneo: Good point.

> Chun-Li: Oh, goody!! I gotta go change.

> **Chun-Li changed into black leather pants, platform boots, and a blue tank
> top.

Rebecca: Heaven forbid we go a scene without describing what someone's wearing.

> She tied her hair into her trademark pair of buns. She also wore her
> spiked bracelets from SF2. She looked good.

Sandra: She looked like an inappropriate mishmash of outfit and hairstyle.

> Vega was waiting in the ring
> in his usual purple spandex and the claw in his hand. There were three
> blades on the claw and he could barely fight without it. All the girls
> cheered for Vega and threw roses into the ring.

Dan: Even the girls on Chun Li's side?
Tsuneo: Even Cammy?
Rebecca: Especially Cammy.

> He handed one to Chun-Li and
> she kicked it out of his hand. The fight began. Vega came in with his claw
> roll.

Rebecca: So she countered with a ham and cheese roll.
Sandra: Inspector Rex is my hero.

> Since Chun-Li's main weapon is her legs, he tried to aim for them.

Dan: Or it could just be that the attack goes low anyway. Your choice.

> Chun-Li would be damned if she was going to let her leather pants get sliced,

Tsuneo: She can live with grievous bodily harm, but nobody touches her pants.
Sandra: Gotta get your priorities straight.
Rebecca: True. Can you imagine how hard it is to get a pair of decently-made
pants in China?

> so she backflipped out of his reach. She landed on her feet and began kicking
> at Vega. Her left leg was like lightning. She threw roundhouses, sidekicks,
> blade kicks, and front kicks.

Dan: We've got high kicks! We've got low kicks! We've got Mach Kicks, we've got
toe kicks! All down here at the house of the boot.

> She kicked hundreds of times without ever
> letting her foot touch the ground. Vega was just as quick and he blocked
> most of her kicks.

Dan: [Vega] I use the P groove and I'm proud, dammit!
Tsuneo: Do Mortal Kombat characters have grooves?
Rebecca: Sure, they can pick from the M groove, the I groove and the D groove.
Tsuneo: So what's the difference?
Rebecca: Well, the I groove is like the M groove, except that you can run, and
the D groove has maximum damage on it.

> She switched off and threw a spinning hook kick with her
> right leg. Vega was caught off guard and he ate the kick.

Sandra: Yummy yummy.
Dan: So how come he could block her incredibly fast kicks, then gets suckered by
a normal one?
Tsuneo: He'd run out of guard meter.

> Although Chun-Li's legs were like steel,

Dan: I thought that was buns of steel.
Rebecca: Yeah, but her arms are like aluminium.

> he recovered quickly and attacked her with the claw. Since
> the only thing Chun-Li had to avoid the metal blades was her bracelets, she
> knew she had to get the claw away from Vega.

Sandra: What a brillaint plan. How long did it take you to reach that conclusion?

> When the coat was clear,

Tsuneo: He'd finally got it back from the dry-cleaners.

> she axe
> kicked the part of the claw that held it onto his hand. It fell off.

Tsuneo: So... if you kick a leather strap, it breaks?
Rebecca: If you douse it in liquid Nitrogen, sure.

> Vega
> switched to fists and punched her a few times. She caught some nasty hooks
> to the face,

Dan: So how come he can only hit once he's been disarmed?
Sandra: The authour doesn't want to hurt his number one drooling obsession.

> but she came back with the lightning kick. Vega's head snapped
> back and forth as Chun-Li kicked the living shit out of him.

Tsuneo: You know what I enjoy about this fic? The concise descriptions
of the action.

> Finally, he was floored.

Sandra: The descriptive text got to him as well.

> She grabbed him by his long braid and picked up his claw. She had
> been waiting years for this.

Sandra [Chun Li]: At last! I'll have the beautiful blonde hair I've always
wanted!

> The girls screamed as she cut the braid off.**

> Ken: Fatality!! I never want to hear you argue again!!!!

Rebecca: Babality! I want to see Vega as a munchkin.

> Chun-Li: Fine with me. 

> **She tucked Vega's braid into her cleavage

Dan: Sayyyyyyy...
Rebecca: Hey, Tsuneo, I think we found where Dee Jay vanished too.

> then grabbed what hair he had left
> on his head. She drove the claw straight through his face until it came out
> the other side of his head.

Dan: So is this a Troma film or something?
Sandra: Yeah, they just substituted a watermelon. You can see the seeds coming
out the other side.

> She gave him one last degrading kick to his motionless body,

Rebecca: Chunners here has issues.
Tsuneo: I guess there's another boss who cost the authour a lot of hard-
earned small change.

> then took the braid from between her breasts and waved it in
> the air.

Tsuneo: Just how long is she going to spend gloating anyway?
Dan: Well, she's in the S groove, so her gloat meter will run down eventually.

> Her friends cheered wildly while the girls cried. Their crush was
> dead and mutilated.**

Rebecca: Just to rub it in, she's going to auction bits of it off on e-bay.

> Gill: Good, another victory.

Dan: So that makes it what, umpteen to one? And you were worried about losing
the tournament!
Tsuneo: But they lost their top man!
Sandra: So what does that make Sagat to the baddies? An expendable extra?

> **Chun-Li was sweaty

Dan: Saaaaaaaaayyyyyy... [Rebecca and Sandra pummel him with cushions]

> and tired, but very happy. She approached the group with
> the braid in her hands.**

> Johnny: Are you gonna keep that to remind everyone of your victory?

Rebecca: [Chun Li] I was thinking of stuffing a pillow with it.

> Chun-Li: It'll make me think of him and his obnoxious comments. I think I'll
> sell it to Sakura or some other girl. His loss is my gain, as usual. 

> Sonya: Let's go celebrate you and Johnny's victories at one of the local bars.

Dan: There's bars on this island?
Sandra: Don't you know? They've got a really happening night life around
here.
Rebecca: Baraka and Kabal formed an alternative band. They're the biggest thing
on the club circuit around here.

> Chun-Li: Sounds good to me. I'll shower and change,

Rebecca: Dan, get back in your seat.
Dan: Whaaat?

> them meet you back here.

> **Chun-Li went to the bunkhouse to freshen up. She opened the door to find
> Sakura and Hokuto screaming hysterically.

Rebecca: For Ryu was showering and had left the window open.

> They pointed to the ceiling and there was a huge tarantula.

Sandra: [Spider] Whoops, hey, don't mind me. I'm a fixture here.

> Chun-Li threw a split kick and her leg span was
> more than enough to reach the ceiling. The spider was squished and the guts
> stuck to her boot.**

Tsuneo: Can someone please, please tell me what's the point to this scene?
Dan: Chun Li stretching out in tight leather pants!
Sandra: [Spider] I have nothing to do with this. Why did I get beat up?

> Chun-Li: Yuck!! That's icky!! (takes her shoes off) I'll have to take care of
> that later.

Sandra: It would come back to haunt her when his wife and five hundred kids
came after her for revenge.

> Hey, what do you say, $50 for this? (shows Sakura Vega's braid)

Rebecca: [Sakura] Nah, I've already got a good collection of Ryu's stuff.
Dan: You've been going through his garbage again, haven't you?
Rebecca: [Sakura] This time I broke into his house!

> Sakura: Oh, my god!!! Yes!!!! (pulls out a small box and takes out the money.
> It's all in $5, $1 bills, and change.)

Sandra: [Chun Li] I don't accept payment in Pokemon cards, bottle tops or
New Zealand dollars.
Rebecca [Sakura]: Will you accept a personal loan?
Sandra [Chun Li]: No.
Rebecca [Sakura]: Will you accept Hokuto's immortal soul?
Sandra [Chun Li]: No!

> Chun-Li: Here. (tosses the braid at the girls, who squealed over Vega's
> severed hair) That's about all that's left of him.

> Sakura: That was mean.

Sandra: You think that's mean, you should see what's for dinner.

> Hokuto: Yeah, you didn't have to kill him.

> Chun-Li: Please, you should be thanking me. I saved Street Fighter from
> panty raids for years to come.

Rebecca: From him? Nah, he's got enough women's underwear of his own.

> **Chun-Li showered,

Dan: Come on, we want description!

> changed and went out with her friends.

Tsuneo: I think that's a bit too strong a word.

> They laughed, drank, told stories, and had a good time.

Rebecca: So we get drawn-out bitching, badly written fights, but a friendly
moment is just brushed over?
Sandra: Do you really want the chapter to go longer?
Rebecca: Natch.

> They returned to the bunkhouses and went to sleep.**

[The TV switches off]

Sandra: I just can't take this intense action.
Tsuneo: Don't worry, it's over.
Sandra: Cool.
Voice: For this part.
Sandra: Tool. And you people do this for a living?
Tsuneo: We're beginning to wonder why.
Dan: Beats unemployment.
Sandra: I dunno, I could find you a job.
Dan: You could?
Sandra: Yep. The game's very action oriented-
Dan: And you want someone of my amazing skills to play a villain?
Sandra: Actually-
Dan: No, wait, I can see it now. I'm the evil corporate head's right-hand man,
lurking menacingly behind Quincy's desk.
Sandra: No, it's-
Dan: Of course, being a fully realised character, I confuse our gorgeous
heroine with my amazing wit, charm and-

[Sandra smacks Dan over the head]

Sandra: NO! What I was going to say is that we always need more mooks, and I
could really go for blowing you away a few times.
Dan: No big corporate desk?
Sandra: No.
Dan: No illicit liaison with gorgeous heroine?
Sandra: Frel off.
Tsuneo: I'll take that offer.
Rebecca: You're desperate.
Tsuneo: I've got to start somewhere.
Sandra: At least he's got the right attitude.
Tsuneo: Are there auditions?
Sandra: I'll show you the way.

[Sandra and Tsuneo stand and leave. The screen goes blank]

Dan: But I'd make a neat villain!
Rebecca: They'd certainly cheer for the hero even more.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) & Zogster
(jinas@elmerstudios.com)

Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1995-2001 Max Fauth (Zogster)
Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-2001 Alex Fauth (Rick
R. Mortis).

Elmer Studios!:
	http://www.elmerstudios.com
	All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random
	DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one
	spot.

Rick's Cruel Mockery of HTML:
	http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm
	Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova
	Satori shrine, Osama Bin Laden's Camel, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp,
	all in one big steaming pile.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> **Mileena ate Liu Kang. This was one of her bad habits,