"Ouch" Kara moaned as the four of them entered the SoR's bridge. "Ouch" she added. "Tell us about it" Matt added. "The inconsistencies in this little piece are amazing. It's like we're reading a really bad fanfic" "A bad fanfic someone made money off" Sean added. "I can't they expected anyone to pay for this" "Very few people did" Sandra replied. "I suspect that none of you find that odd" Before any of them could reply, a light on the main control panel (that Sandra had dubbed the "Mad's Light") began flashing, accompanied by a loud beeping noise. "Someone get that!" She called out. "Sure thing. Madam President" Kara snapped as she hit the button. The veiwscreen opened to show Louisa casually filing her nails while leaning on the Deus Ex Machine. "Greetings boobies, enjoying the show?" She casually enquired. "No" they all replied flatly. "Good!" She replied, discarding the nail file. "I'd be very upset if you did. And you don't want to see me when I'm angry." "Seen it" Kara replied. "You just wheedle pathetically to either me or Sean to get into bed with you" "I DO NOT!" She snapped, then regained her composure. "Anyway, I was doing some research into this type of experiment, and I realized that there was one flaw in my otherwise perfect plan. As as so-called 'mad', I need a 'Second Banana' to assist me" "And where are you going to get one?" Sandra sarcastically enquired. "Actually, I just used the Deus Ex Machine to conjure one into existence." She replied. "This could be bad" Sean muttered. "Very bad" Matt replied. "Anyway, I would like to introduce you all to my new witless minion, Carla Harwood." She paused. "Carla, you can come out now." Kara giggled. "I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!" She paused for breath. "Anyway, I'd like you to all meet Carla." Nothing happened. "I'm impressed" Sean commented. "Damn you Carla! Where are you?!" Louisa shouted to somewhere beyond the limits of the veiwscreen. "LOUISA-CHAN! :)" GLOMP! A woman with shoulder-length, scruffy brown hair and a friendly face wearing jeans and a T-shirt had leapt on Louisa and was groping her chest as hard as humanely possible without being painful. Amazingly, Louisa was still on her feet. "GET OFF ME!" She shouted as she threw the smaller woman to the floor. She instantly popped up, a cute smile on her face. "Hi! Hi!" she shouted out. "I'm Carla and I'll be your number two villain for this series! I'm sure you're all just dying to get to know me better!" She said, and then winked at the camera. "Especially you, Kara-Chan" Louisa whacked her on the back of the head. "She's mine, you twit." She then paused and looked at the camera. "I didn't say that!" "You mean you feel like that too?!" Carla said, and leapt back onto her. "Damn you!" "I can see this is going to work out just fine" Matt muttered. "Anyway..." Louisa shouted as she tried to pull herself free of Carla's death-grip. "I want you to get back in there! You've still got another two issues of that comic to read..." She struggled a bit. "Where's that damn button?" "I'll gladly push all your buttons, Louisa-Chan" "AAAAACK!" "Considered getting a new assistant?" Sandra asked. "SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!" Louisa shouted as she hit the button. "I hate to interrupt this little show..." Sean commented. "But we've got comic sign!" [Door 5 - It's one of the doors from the Death Star. It whooshes up and you proceed.] [Door 4 - It's a revolving door. You go around several times then proceed.] [Door 3 - It's a double wooden door with wrought-iron edging set in stonework. It creaks open and you proceed] [Door 2 - It's a rolling garage door. You force it open and proceed] [Door 1 - It's a vault door. You swing it open and proceed] [Sandra walks in and sits down on the far left. Sean sits next to her, and Kara next to him. Matt sits down on the right] > Story Kara: Such as it is. > by Fred Perry > Art Kara: Such as it is. > by Ben Dunn > Colours Kara: Such as- Sean: Thank you. > by ARNie! > Lettering: Joe Wolfe > Edits by Ben Dunn and Herb Mallette Sandra: There were two editors and the story was still this bad? Ouch. Sean: Well one of them is Ben Dunn. Sandra: True. > [SDF-1 in space, Jupiter in background] > Voice: Ladies, dinner is served. Sandra: Finally! The service in this place is lousy. > [Door] Matt: You think that's part of their door sequence? > Voice: Oh yeah!!! I'm starving! > Voice: What's on the menu first, Captain? Sean: You mean you weren't paying attention in the first issue? > [Gloval's quarters. Gloval is wearing a chef's hat] Kara: I still can't get used to seeing that. > Gloval: Artichoke with cream-and-white-wine dipping sauce. Sean: You mean he's going to recite the whole list to us again? Noooo! > Dig in Everyone. > [Sammie eats a leaf] > SFX: MUNCH!!! CRUNCH!!! Matt [Fatherly]: How many times do I have to tell you to chew with your mouth shut? Kara [muttered]: Forry. > Sammie: Ooh! Lemme try... > [Sammie turns green] Sean: Now there's a handy party trick. Kara: Can she do plaid? > Sammie: Ugh!! Captain... This tastes awful! > Gloval: You're not supposed to eat the whole leaf, Vanessa... Only the bottom area is edible. Sandra: That's nice Gloval. But it's Sammie who just ate it! Matt: Poor Gloval. The stresses of the job are getting to him. Sean: It's just an editing error. With two editors... > [Sammie, Kim and Lisa eat dinner] Kara: Damn. I'm starving. > Sammie: Oh! Mmm! Okay! This is great! Sean: If this goes Slayers on us, then I'm leaving. > Voice: Emergency! Red Alert! Matt: We've got comic sign! > Sammie: Mm! > Kim: See? Sandra: Huh? What's going on with this dialogue? Matt: They really need to work on putting their panels in some kind of order... > Voice: All personnel report to duty stations immediately! Matt: But what if they're off-duty then? > [Everyone gets up from the table] Matt: Never mind. Sandra: I guess they don't like the cornbread either. > Lisa: Captain Gloval! > Gloval: Get to the bridge immediately! Dinner's going to have to wait! Matt: You know, this has to be the first time in all of Robotech *or* Macross history that the enemy attacks when the day shift is off-duty. > Sammie: You heard the alert, Lisa! Let's go! > Kim: Oh, great! Sean [Kim]: Goddam Zentraedi! Can't stand them! > [SDF-1 bridge with VF-1s flying past. Jupiter in background] Matt: Huh? Did the SDF-1 just do a hard 180? It's facing the other way to before. > Voice: Repeat! All personnel to duty stations immediately! Kara: Allright, allright! We're moving already! > Voice 2: Claudia! We have thirty more contacts coming in Sean: That's an awful lot of resumes. Looks like a few people want this job. > from three-six point seven. > Claudia: Launch Vermilion squad. Immediately! Kara: Speak in. Sentence. Fragments! > [Claudia on bridge] > Voice: Vermilion Leader to control! We're under way! > Claudia: Roger, Vermilion Leader. Set course for three-four point seven! Defend our port > side! Kara: So that's course three seven point four to defend the dork side? Sean: No, it's course three point one four to defend the pi side. Sandra: You're both wrong. It's one zero four point one to defend the light FM side. > Voice: Roger! Matt [Claudia]: But my name's Claudia! > Claudia: Cindi! Is the captain on the way up? > [Gloval enters] Sean: I guess that answers that. > Gloval: What's going on. Claudia? Matt: Whoa! Random punctuation attack! > [Claudia in front of veiwscreen with a Zentraedi flagship on it and Jupiter in > the background] Sandra: Huh? One second Claudia's at the front, the next she's at Vanessa's station. What gives? > Claudia: That's what's going on, Captain! Kara [Claudia]: We're stuck in a crappy fanfic... er... comic! > That Zentraedi battle group just.. Appeared! > Out of thin air! They've taken up a geostationary position over Jupiter's red spot! > [Lisa enters] Matt: Why does she look so angry? Sandra: If you were drawn like that, you'd be angry too. > SFX: Krik! Kara: Krick krick knucles. > Gloval: Are the battleships advancing? Sandra: No! That's what "stationary" means! > Lisa: Commander Lisa Hayes reporting for duty, sir... > Claudia: No, sir. They aren't moving at all! Sean: Even though you just said that. > But they've sent battle pods to harass us! > [Lisa and Claudia] Matt: Whoa! Look at Claudia's forhead! She looks like a Metalunan or something. > Claudia: It's about time you showed up, Lisa... Sandra: And what did take her so long? Kara: She was on the phone to her agent. > Skull squadron is the last to launch... > Lisa: Thanks, Claudia... I'll take over from here! > [SDF-1 Bridge] Matt: Pardon me, but where has everyone else gotten to? It's only Lisa, Claudia and Gloval. > Lisa: Skull Squadron, stand by to launch! > Gloval: Have Skull Squadron remain in reserve around the SDF-1... > Lisa: Sir? > Gloval: We don't know what these Zentraedi are up to... > [Claudia] > Claudia: I agree captain! Especially because this group seems to be able to cloak themselves > with some kind of stealth technology. Matt: Of course, why you didn't tell Gloval that when they first attacked is anyone's guess. > [Gloval] > Gloval: Exactly, Claudia. They're up to something... Sean: They have a cunning plan. > and when they tip their > hand I want my ace in the hole ready for it! Kara: Just to mix your metaphors some more. > [Blue VF-1A and red/tan VF-1As in space fighting an Officer's Pod Armoured Vehicle] > Voice: They're appearing out of nowhere!! Sean: They're coming out of the walls! They're coming out of the goddam walls! > There's no way to tell which direction they're coming from! Kara: Any which way but loose. > It looks like they have to un-cloak to engage us! > Let's make them sorry for showing their faces!! Matt: Yeah, I'd be sorry if I had to face your dialogue. > Blue Leader: Blue squadron, this is Blue Leader! Keep the pressure on! Don't let up! Don't > let up!! > [Two VF-1Ds] > Voice: How are we looking, blue leader? Sandra: Badly copied. > Blue Leader: So far, so good, Blue 7 Matt: I wonder, are these random panels contributing anything? > [Two VF-1As and a blue VF-1A] > Voice: Yeah! Because Blue-4 is kicking so much butt! Sean: Blue-4 is the greatest! Blue 4 kicks ass! > Max: I do my best, Blue-7. > Voice: Well, your best is awesome, Sterling! Sandra: Hang on... I thought that Max was in Skull Squadron in this piece! Matt: Continuity is way over-rated. > [Officer's Pod Armored Vehicle and Battle Pods] > Blue Leader: Heads up, Blue Squadron! New guests are arriving at the party! Matt: Don't you hate uninvited guests? Sandra: Just so long as they don't drink all the good stuff, they're OK. > [SDF-1 with Jupiter in background on screen, Khorah in foreground] > Khorah: Excellent. Kara: Hey! Where'd his < s go? Sean: Maybe he's speaking English now. Sandra: Of course, you have to wonder why. > [Khorah with Brekkott] Matt: They're still standing in that battle pod... > Brekkott: Sir, your armored battle suit has been prepared! Sandra [Khorah]: Good! Now lay out my best "Hatching an evil scheme" suit. > Khorah: Thank you, Lt. Brenkkott! Sean [Khorah]: You will be allowed to live. > [Close up on Khorah] Kara: EXTREME close-up! > Khorah: I will now lead our Elite forces on the most important part of this operation... Matt [Khorah]: We will descend upon the convention and nab all those rare foil edition Pokemon cards! > [Zentraedi fleet in space, Jupiter in background] > Khorah [V/O]: ...Our battleship is over the gas giant at the optimum position to trap the > SDF-1 with our engines in a powerful gravity well... Sandra: Should I point out that you couldn't use a ship's engines like that, or should I point out that this is completely ripped off from first-season old Yamato episode? Matt: Both. > ...but there is nothing to prevent our quarry from escaping by Sean: Turning their underpants inside-out and dancing the tango! > putting their anti-gravity engines on overdrive. Kara: That also works. > [Khorah] > Khorah: Which is why we will board the SDF-1... And personally destroy every one of their > anti-gravity modules before they have a chance to use them. Sandra: And there's the plot, folks. Took us one and a half issues of crap to get there. > [Khorah in corridor, Brekkot behind him] > Khorah: Activate the gravity well!! Undoubtedly, they will attempt to attack us with their Sean: Rolled up newspaper? Kara: Why? Sean: It'd inject some life into this. > main weapon instead of trying to escape... ...thus playing right into our hands! All: Foreshadowing! > [SDF-1, Jupiter in background] > Gloval [V/O]: Claudia, have the capital ships taken any actions yet? > Claudia [V/O]: No sir, not yet... Matt: Do you know how hard it is to get them to start on a cold day? > Gloval [V/O]: Set a course for the heck away from here! Sandra: How precise and military-like. Sean: Lay in a course past the third star on the left and straight on to morning. > Claudia [V/O]: Yes, sir! > [SDF-1 Bridge] > Claudia: Wait... the lead ship has just turned its engines on! Matt: At seven in the morning on Sunday. That ought to be a crime. > Full blast! Kara: Cranking the volume all the way up to eleven. > Gloval: What? > [Bridge Shakes] > SFX: KABOOOMMMMM!!!! > [Gloval] > Gloval: Claudia! What happened! Sean: Bad camera operator? > [Claudia at console] > Claudia: We stopped sir! Kara: Try turning the key in the ignition. > And without our engines having anything to do with it! Matt: Maybe you just left the breaks on again. > I have us up to two-thirds power now... But we're not moving! > [Gloval with speed lines] > Gloval: So that's their game! Why didn't I see this before? Sandra: Because it's a pretty stupid plan that makes absolutely no sense? > That explains why they > attacked the scout group we sent out earlier! The scout group was about to uncover > this trap before they could spring it! Matt: Except the scout group didn't detect anything! They had no reason to attack the scout group. > They used their stealth to sneak into just the right position! Kara: So they made a successful "hide in shadows" roll then? > [Gloval in foreground, Zentraedi flagship and Jupiter in background] > Gloval: Directly between us, Jupiter and the Megastorm! Sean: And there's the name of the damn comic at last! Kara: SO they've trapped them with a big green tank Transformer? > The best possible place to > trap us in an incredibly powerful gravity well! Matt: Uh, does any of that make sense? It's not like the Great Red Spot has any higher gravitic attraction than the rest of Jupiter! > [Lisa] > Lisa: Sir? We may not be able to move, Sandra [Lisa]: From the knees up. Sean: It means they can still handle Irish dancing. > but we can still rotate in place... And that means we can still use the main gun! Matt: The Really Big One. > [Gloval] > Gloval: True... very true, Lisa. Which leads me to wonder why they didn't think of that... Matt: They did. Didn't you catch the blatant foreshadowing earlier on? > But then, the Zentraedi haven't been exactly thorough in their schemes... Sandra: Like when? I don't see any problems with their attempts to capture the SDF-1 so far. In fact, this is the first attack that has had any blatant flaws with it. > ...what the heck? Sean: Because it's blatantly obvious that's what they want you to do? > [Gloval, with speed lines] Kara: Big eyes and speed lines! Long legs and short skirts! > Gloval: Bring us about! Let's show them who they're messing with! Sandra: Umm... it's not the Starship Enterprise, it's not the Yamato and it's not the White Star. I give up. > [Lisa at console] > Lisa: Vermilion squadron! Disengage immediately! Sean: Aw gee, mum, do we have to? > We're about to fire the main gun... and you're in our firing arc! > [VF-1As in space] Kara: Ewww.... check out the paint shceme on that VF-1A! Red, lime green and metallic blue do not go together! Matt: That and its torso is a mix of VF-1A and VF-1D. Kara: That too. Sandra: Personally, I think black with dark blue highlights is a great paint scheme. Sean: You would. > Vermilion Leader [V/O]: Well, why didn't you say so? Vermilion squadron, follow me! > Voice: Lead the way, Vermilion Leader! Kara: Ironically, it turned out that Vermilion leader was Ryoga. They were last seen in the vicinity of Neptune. > [Battle Pods] > Voice: Vermilion Leader! They're following us! > Vermilion Leader: Pour it on, squad! Switch to Veritech mode! All units, switch to > Veritech mode! Sandra: Veritech mode? What the hell do they mean by that? Matt: Maybe they change from Valkyries to Veritechs. Sean: What's the difference? Matt: Protoculture power vs nuclear fission. Kara: Are you sure there were two editors on this? > [Gloval] > Gloval: Prepare to fire! > [SDF-1 charging main gun, Jupiter in background] Sandra: Hang on... The SDF-1 is facing the Zentraedi fleet with Jupiter behind it. The Zentraedi fleet are facing the SDF-1 with Jupiter behind them. What gives? Matt: Maybe Jupiter's donut shaped. > SFX: TCHZZZT TCHZZZT TCHZZZT TCHZZZT TCHZZZT TCHZZZT > Lisa [V/O]: Main gun is at 63 percent. Kara: Switching the oven to 200. > Main gun is locking into position. Matt: Baking to a golden brown. > Gloval [V/O]: Lisa, begin the count-down. > Lisa [V/O]: T-Minus 20 Seconds! > [Lisa and Gloval with Speed Lines!] > Lisa: Sir... > Voice: ...18... > Lisa: Sir!! I'm reading a massive increase in the lead ship's system!!! It > could be a weapon powering up! > Voice: ...16... > Gloval: Forget the count-down! > Voice: ...14... > Gloval: FIRE!! Matt: I should just point out here that they're counting down to the SDF-1's gun being ready to fire. So they couldn't fire the gun before it's ready even if they wanted to. > [SDF-1 fires main gun] > SFX: BaWoooooOOOOO > [Main gun deflects off force-field over Zentraedi ship, Veritechs in foreground.] Matt: I'd be surprised if it wasn't so lamely predictable. > SFX: WHOOOMM > Pilot: Vermilion Leader! Did you see that? Kara: They're having a sale on the bread you like! > Pilot: The SDF-1's blast! ... It didn't even touch them! > [Khorah wearing Male power Armor - Henceforth MPA - without a helmet and other > male power armors in hanger, SDF-1 on screen] Matt: Two things. One, Khorah's MPA has been drawn as too small to his head- in fact, it looks like he couldn't even fit his head through the neck opening. Secondly, the MPA behind him is drawn as being larger than his is. > Khorah: You see the truth now, don't you, micronians... We are no ordinary fleet of Zentraedi! Kara [Sandra]: For we have the plot on our side! > [Khorah puts on helmet] Sean: What gives?! His head just shrunk! > Khorah: Our cloaking devices and deflection shields are as unique as they are deadly! We once > were the Robotech Masters' elite guard. Sandra: Er no. Just no. The Robotech Master's guard were their own fleets of ships, as well as their motherships, assault carriers and Bioroids. They wouldn't need an elite guard of Zentraedi, which they considered to be inferior to their own troops anyway. Additionally, if the masters had cloaking technology, they would have used it on their own troops! The Second Robotech war would have consisted of a single cloaked ship sneaking down to Earth, retrieving the Matrix and leaving as fast as possible. Kara: Nice rant. Sandra: Thanks. I've been wanting do do that for ages. > But it is my leadership and strategy that you must fear the most!! Sean: Somehow, I'm not that afraid. > [Khorah's power armor launches] > Khorah: All units, follow me. Kara: Walk this way. Sean: If I could walk that way, my hips would be on upside down. > Remain cloaked until we get inside the SDF-1. > [Khorah's cockpit] Matt: Any reason why Khorah's not wearing a helmet? Sandra: Because he can't fit it inside his MPA's head. Matt: But Khyron could- Sandra: Shh. > Khorah: Once on board, we will split up and search for Sean: A parking spot. Parking's murder in Macross. > their anti-gravity engines! I expect very little resistance, Kara: Now there's a statement that's just begging for trouble. Sean: It's a pack of boy scouts! Now you're in trouble! Sandra: Of course, when it turns out that there's a stealthed Obelisk of light in there, he's in real trouble. > but be prepared for surprises. Matt [Singing]: Get ready for a big surprise today... when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick... > [SDF-1 in space, blue VF-1 in foreground] Sandra: Is he firing nose lasers? Matt: In this comic? More than likely. > Blue Leader [V/O]: Control, this is blue leader. Sean [Blue Leader]: Commencing attack run on the exhaust port. No sign of TIE fighters. > Most of my squad are almost out of > fuel! And we still have more bogeys inbound! > [Lisa on bridge] > Lisa: Blue leader! The enemy is converging on your position! Kara: Oh no! It's a beggar mob! > We can't spare anyone to cover you! Sean: She's just saying that to cover for the fact that she doesn't like him. > Roy [V/O]: Oh yes you can! Matt: Oh yes. I'd forgotten about Roy and his mysteriously contrived Super VF-1S. > [Roy's cockpit] > Roy: This is Skull Leader! My squad can cover blue squadron! But not without leaving our > position! Matt: But only if he speaks in sentence fragments with lots of exclamation marks! Sandra: I thought that Grammar riffs were bad. Matt: But this is a pro work... Sean: And remember: There are two editors. > [SDF-1 bridge] > Claudia: Sir? > Gloval: I know! If Fokker goes to cover blue squadron, Kara: The Cubs could manage to sneak one home. > it could leave us open to attack. > [SDF-1 bridge] > Claudia: Approximately 60 Battle Pods are converging on them rapidly! Sean: I thought they couldn't detect them if they were cloaked. Kara: So they're obviously de-cloaked. Sean: So why not wait till you're in range to attack before de-cloaking? Kara: Dunno. Maybe they're just stupid. > Blue squadron is dead meat if they don't get relief! They can't outrun them! Sandra: Yes they can. A VF-1A has a maximum acceleration of 2.5g. The Battle Pod can manage 0.7g tops. Matt: Wow. That is nitpicky. Sandra: It pays to know these things. > [Gloval] > Gloval: Fokker! Take care of blue squadron! Kara: And remember - it has to look like an accident. > Make it as fast as you can! > Roy [V/O]: Roger, captain! Skull squadron, move out! Sean: Where are they moving too? Sandra: They've decided on an apartment in New York next to a guy called Kramer. > Gloval: Claudia, I need more Destroids up on the surface of the ship! > Lisa, begin preparations to set our Anti-Gravity engines on over-drive. Matt: You don't think there's a possibility that a cloaked enemy could get into the ship and take out the anti-gravity drives before we can escape, and thus it would be a good idea to leave some Destroids guarding the aforesaid generators? Sandra: Naaaaaah. > [Lisa] > Lisa: Over-drive, sir? Matt: I've always wondered if the SDF-1 has automatic or manual transmission. > While we're trapped in this gravity well... we could be ripped to shreds! Sean: Look on the up side. The comic would be over. > Gloval: I know, Lisa! But we could also try catapulting to safety. Kara: what they need is a really, really big cow fling. > [SDF-1 in space, VF-1A and Fighter pods in foreground] Sandra: See?! Nose lasers! Matt: Figures. > Gloval [V/O]: It's our only chance of escape! Sean: If that fails, you could just have someone bake a really big file into a really big cake. > Voice: They have removed their defensive patrols, Commander Khorah. Matt: I think I've been proven to be right. > [SDF-1 hull] > Khorah [V/O]: Excellent! > [Same bit of SDF-1 hull with MPA de-cloaking] > Khorah: Now there is nothing between me and victory! Sean [Khorah]: Except possibly the end of issue two. > Continued next issue! Sean [Khorah]: D'oh! > Don't miss the exciting conclusion of... MEGA-STORM! Kara: I'm sure we can wait. [They get up and leave] [Door 1 - It's a vault door. It swings shut as you leave] [Door 2 - It's a rolling garage door. You wrestle it shut and proceed] [Door 3 - It's a double wooden door with wrought-iron edging set in stonework. It creaks shut and you proceed] [Door 4 - It's a revolving door. You go around several times then proceed.] [Door 5 - It's one of the doors from the Death Star. It whooshes down and nearly takes your feet off as you proceed.]