"This just keeps on getting better" Sean said as they returned to the SOR's bridge. Sandra sighed. "Don't think that it'll let up. Experiments like this can go on for years" "What do you mean by 'Experiments like this'?" Matt asked. "Yeah" Kara added. "You seemed to know all about what was going on from the first second" "You had already assessed the situation by the time I arrived" Matt finished. "So what's going on, Sandra?" "All right, I suppose you guys have a right to know" Sandra replied as she sat down at the main console. "This is on the list of 'Things EarthGov Doesn't Want You To Know About'" "Like the Deus Ex Machine?" Matt added, also sitting. "Exactly. In fact, it's related to it" she said as she sat back. "This sort of experiment was carried out a lot during the late 20th and early 21st century. It started with a pair of mad scientists and their 'Satellite Of Love'. They imprisoned a guy on it, and forced him to watch bad movies. This followed with innumerable other satellites, all under the control of various groups of 'Mads' with various people stuck on board forced to watch, well, anything. Bad movies, comic books, TV shows, fanfics... you name it, someone hd to watch it." "And the Deus Ex Machine?" Sean inquired. "Vince McMahon used it to control his Satellite of Nitro." Sandra finished. "I see." Kara pondered. "So... of all these experiments, how many of them worked and resulted in the subjects going mad and the 'Mads' taking over the world?" "None" "So... Why does Louisa bother trying on us?" Kara asked. "Because she's stupid, I guess." Sandra replied. Before anyone could agree, the bridge was filled with a loud siren and flashing red lights. "And speaking of stupid, we've got Comic Book sign!" [Door 5 - It's one of the doors from the Death Star. It whooshes up and you proceed.] [Door 4 - It's a revolving door. You go around several times then proceed.] [Door 3 - It's a double wooden door with wrought-iron edging set in stonework. It creaks open and you proceed] [Door 2 - It's a rolling garage door. You force it open and proceed] [Door 1 - It's a vault door. You swing it open and proceed] [Sandra walks in and sits down on the far left. Sean sits next to her, and Kara next to him. Matt sits down on the right] > Story by Fred Perry Sean: All hail Fred Perry! Lord of the tight underwear! Matt: You know, he used to be quite a good inker. Used to. > Art by Ben Dunn Kara: Oh yeah, he's really doing a lot for this comic. > Colours by ARNie! Sean: You know, we've been so busy picking on the art and story that no-one's pointed out what a crap job ARNie here's doing. > Lettering: Joe Dunn Sandra: No editors? Oh dear. Matt: It's not like they did anything in the last two issues. > [SDF-1 in space with lots of explosions and Jupiter in background] Matt: I see that Jupiter still can't make up it's mind about where to be. > Voice: Receiving heavy fire from starboard! Sandra: Receiving spam e-mails from AOL. > Captain! Enemy closing in from seven point > three nine! All hands! Stand by for anti-gravity overdrive! Kara: All that speaker does is give us bad news. Someone rip it out of the damn wall! > [SDF-1 bridge] > Claudia: The calculations are still difficult, sir! Sean: This is what you get for using a Pentium, folks. > The gravity-well projected by the > enemy battleship is making it impossible to get accurate data to work with! > Lisa: Anti-gravity engines are at 57 percent over-drive, captain! > Gloval: Lisa, have Vermilion squadron concentrate fire on that battle-ship! Sean: It's covered by a force-field that can bounce the SDF-1's main gun! I fail to see what attacking it with Veritechs will achieve. Especially when a Veritech wouldn't do anything to a regular flagship. > Claudia, > can we give that ship another blast with our main gun? Sandra: They might as well flame-mail it for all the good they're doing. > [Claudia and Gloval] > Claudia: Not without sapping energy from the anti-gravity engines, sir... ...Sir! Hull > breach in sector sixty-seven! Kara: How embarrassing; having a hull in your outer breaches. > Gloval: Blast! Sean [Elderly]: Dangit. > [Macross City with a big explosion] Kara: Guess who left a potato in the microwave. Sean: It's Macross City. Explosions are a part of day to day life. > SFX: WHA-BOOM > Gloval [V/O]: Get Fokker on the horn! Matt: Tell him to bring the drinks. > Tell him they've broken through!! And god help us > if they're after our anti-gravity engines! Sandra: Pay attention folks, this is the plot. Matt: There's a plot? Sandra: Sometimes I wonder. > [Three MPAs enter] Kara: Hey! No suit, not tie, no service! > MPA: Commander Kohrah! There is no opposition in sight! What are your orders? Kara [Kohrah]: One Hawaiian, one Super Supreme with extra anchovies. And an extra garlic bread! Sandra: Anchovies? He is evil! > Kohrah: Fan out! Scan for anti-gravity wave patterns and destroy the source! Matt: Say, what does an anti-gravity wave pattern look like anyway? Sean: It's a wave pattern that has an anti-gravity signature. Matt: And how do you tell an anti-gravity signature? Sean: It's got an anti-gravity wave pattern. Matt: Oh. > [Two MPAs] Kara: Two MPAs and an OBP, coming this fall. > MPA: Commander! I have found an anti-gravity module already! Sandra: Amazing what you'll turn up at a garage sale. > Just above us and inside the upper hull of this ship! Matt: Third on the left, straight down the hall. Can't miss it. > [Kohrah's cockpit] Sandra: I still want to know where his helmet's got to... > Kohrah: Excellent! Fire! Matt: Kohrah, evil Human Resources Manager. Sean: I thought the term was "downsizing". > [SDF-1 bridge] > Claudia: Sir!! Sir! Kara [Claudia]: I need to go bathroom, sir! > Anti-gravity module number ten has just been disabled! > Gloval: Confound it! > Roy [V/O]: Captain! This is Lt. Commander Fokker... Matt: DOn't answer that. It'll be bad news. > [Roy's cockpit] > Roy: They turned up the heat on us, captain! Sandra: And they're cooking to a golden brown. > Skull squadron can't make it back to the SDF-1! Kara: Don't you hate that? You've missed the last bus back to the SDF-1 and there's not a single Taxi in sight. > [Roy and Max's VFs in space] Sandra: Now Max's in a VF-1D. I think that makes the whole set for him. > Gloval [V/O]: Fokker! I need you back now! Now!! Kara [Roy]: I didn't know you felt that way, sir. Sean: Naughty. [He slaps her on the back of the head] > [Roy's cockpit] > Roy: As I said, captain, Skull squadron can't make it back to the ship in time! Not in > one piece. Matt: See what happens when you rely on the postal service? > But I can! Kara: So Skull squad can't make it back... but Roy can? My brain hurts. > Skull-3, take over! > [Max's cockpit] Sandra: I see they're still using the DYRL cockpits. Matt: At least they're consistent in their inconsistency. > Max: Hold up, Fokker! This is Lt. Sterling! I'm on your wing! Sean: Max Sterling is... The Wingman! Matt: I thought we agreed no Hawk Hunter jokes. > [Max's VF-1 is hit] > SFX: WHOOM! > Max: Aargh! Kara: No, no, no! You've got to put a bit more emotion into it, like this. Aaugh! Sean: AAUGH! Kara: That's it! > V/O: Blue leader!!! Sterling been hit! Sandra: They got him right in the grammar, the poor guy. > [Max's cockpit] > Max: I'm alright, but I'm down to thirty percent power! Sean: Guess those "long life" batteries just don't last. > Blue-4!!! This is Sterling, come in!!! > [Max's cockpit] Sandra: And now he's in Battloid mode. This gets froopier by the second. Matt: Froopier? > Max: I copy, Blue leader! I'm pretty low... Matt [Max]: I got the blues real bad. > [Max's VF in space] > Max: But It'll have to do! > Voice: I hope your fuel's holding up kid, cause I need you to saddle up with skull leader. Sandra: So the only guys who can get through to the SDF-1 is the squad leader and a badly damaged plane that's down to 30% power? My brain hurts. > Roy [V/O]: This is Fokker! I need the location of the invaders! Sean: The planet DELTA? Kara: That's the Invadors, you twit. > [SDF-1 Bridge] > Gloval: Give me a report on the overdrive operation! Kara [Lisa]: The Overdive Operation is about a bunch of... hippies who find a magical... horse and to survive they have to... uh... eat it. Overall I thought it was a good book, I give it a B+. > Lisa: Roger Lt. Commander! Check sector sixty-seven inside the SDF-1. Kara: Thay're having a sale on them. > Claudia: Right away, captain Gloval! Sean: Uhh... what happened? Kara: It's the speech bubbles skipping again! The layout here is terrible. > [SDF-1 Bridge] > SFX: BREEP! BREEP! > Claudia: Well have 100 percent in ninety seconds, Sir! > Gloval: Have the fighters begin withdrawal. Now what?!!! Matt: We're caught in a crappy comic! [A mobile phone rings. Sandra picks it up] Sandra: Hello? What... yes, okay. Sure. I'll tell him that. [She closes the phone] Matt: Who was that? Sandra: Some guy called Tsuneo. He'd like people to stop stealing his schtick. > [Vanessa] Sean: You sure that's not Sammie? Kara: Ouch. > Vanessa: Another anti-gravity module has been disabled, sir! If they get one more we > can't compensate for it! Sean [Runamuck]: She said compensate. Heh. Matt [Runabout]: Heheh. Cool. Heh. Kara & Sandra: Sad. > [Gloval] > Gloval: Fokker! It's up to you! If you can't stop them, we're finished! Kara: Only you can save Mankind! Sean: Hey! I liked that book! > [Roy's cockpit] Sandra: Oh no, it's a series-style cockpit. So much for consistent inconsistency. > Roy: Ready Max? Matt [Michael Buffer]: Are you rrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeedy to rrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuumble? Sandra: Matt? Never, *ever* do that again. > Max: I - I think so, sir. > Gloval [V/O]: Fokker, be careful! Sean [Gloval]: The audience isn't buying the book! Do flashy stuff or we'll be cancelled! > Sector sixty-seven is heavily populated! > Roy: Thanks captain! This gets better by the second! All: No it doesn't! > [Roy and Max's VFs enter the city] Matt: Hey! Max's lost his gun pod again! Sandra: I could tell you all where they ripped the picture of that hole in the roof off from, but then you'd all kill me. Kara: Damn straight. > Roy: No missiles in here, Max. Sean: Of course, since you don't have any missiles... > [VFs over city with MPA in foreground] > Roy: Have to go Winchester! Kara: Go Worchester? You mean you're going to hang out with DJ Croft? > Max: Roger, Skull leader! > MPA: Commander Kohrah! Two have broken through! Matt: They're going for the touchdown... twenty, ten... Touchdown! The crowd goes wild! > Kohrah [V/O]: Forget them! Concentrate on finding the anti-gravity modules! Sean [Zentraedi]: Wouldn't it be smarter if we covered you while you took out the Anti-Gravity modules to prevent them from sneaking up on you and saving the ship at the last minute? Matt [Khorah]: Who'se the cheesy villain in this, you or me? Now shut up. Sean [Zentraedi]: Yes, boss... > [Roy's cockpit. Display reads "Two Zentraedi Battle Suits Located"] Sandra: Do you know how hard it is to find one of them in the stores? Especially right after Christmas. > Roy: Look sharp, Max. Picked up two trying to hide! Kara: Oh yeah. Hiding behind that pot-plant was *really* effective, guys. > [Roy and Max's VFs] > Max: Going to guardian configuration! > [Max attacks two MPAs] Sandra: My god! An actual original mecha picture! > MPA: They're endangering the operation! All units converge! > Max: Sir! Two more have popped up! No, make that three more! Sean: They're coming out of the walls! They're coming out of the god-damned walls! > [Roy's cockpit] > Roy: Let's see how good these jokers are! Matt: The MPA's will be played by Caesar Romero, Jack Nicolas and the voice of Mark Hamil. Thankyou. > Break formation and attack, Max! > [SDF-1 bridge from the outside] > Meanwhile, back on the bridge. Sandra: You know, that's the first time they've had a text box in three issues. And it was utterly pointless. > Gloval: Lisa! Give me a situation report! Sean [Lisa]: We're stuck in a direct riff of an old Yamato plot, the art is terrible, the sotry minimal and I've hardly appeared. > [Silhouetted Lisa] Matt: You know, they've silhouetted Lisa to point out the fact that she's hardly in this story. Sandra: No, they've silhouetted her to cover for the fact that they can't draw. Sean: Speaking of which, what have the Bridge Bunnies been doing all this time! And where's Rick got to? > Lisa: All squadrons returning! But the remainder of the enemy battle pods are closing > in! If we don't make the over-drive catapult soon, we could be looking at over 100 > invaders inside the SDF-1 Matt [Gloval]: I'm so glad I asked... > [Gloval and Claudia] > Gloval: Claudia, how much more time before we can escape the gravity well? > Claudia: One minute! > [Claudia] > Claudia: We might have been able to escape sooner... ...if we hadn't lost two of the > anti-gravity engines. Sean [Gloval]: Don't look at me. You were the one who got into that poker game with the Acolytes. > [Claudia, Gloval and Lisa on bridge. Gloval is glowing] Sandra: For, when angered, Captain Gloval undergoes an amazing transformation. Sean: Hey look! It's his aura! Kara: Wait! It's Kane! The Technology of Peace! One vision, one purpose! > Gloval: .... Matt: That's got to be the best line so far in this whole series. Sean: And it's misspelt. > Lisa: Captain Gloval? > [Gloval's eyes] > Gloval: Blast!! If only that Zentraedi battleship wasn't anchoring itself with Jupiter's > gravity! We could pull free of it with our main engines! Matt: What would you, the reader at home, do? > [Max's VF-1A In the city firing] Sandra: Hey! That's a VF-1A head on a -1D body! Matt: Great. The artist finally starts drawing his own mecha and they look like crap. Sean: What? No cheesy sound effects? > Max: Sir, I hate to admit it, but these Zentraedi are good. I mean, they're not good pilots > or shots, Kara: So they're not that good, are they? > but they have their team work down pat! Sandra: Well whoopdey-shit. So do all Zentraedi. > And their tough armour isn't helping matters! [They all snigger] > [Two MPAs firing] Matt: Don't look at me! Look where you're shooting. > [One of the MPAs is hit] Sean: Ouch. That's gonna hurt in the morning. > SFX: WHOOM! > [MPA] > MPA: Commander Kohrah! Those two micronians are aces! We don't have the time to deal with > them properly! They're going to... > [MPA with gun pod pointed at it's head] Sean [MPA]: Well I have no further part to play in this. I might as well go off and organise my stamp collection. > MPA: ...No! > [Gun pod fires ad destroys the MPA] Kara: John Woo's Robotech: Megastorm! > SFX: BVVVVVVV! > MPA: Aaargh! > [Max and Roy's VFs] Sandra: See? A VF-1D body with a -1A head! > Max: Sir? Wasn't that a bit extreme? Matt: Xtreme Robotech! Coming this fall to Fox! Kara: Careful what you say, Matt. > [Kohrah's MPA fires at Roy] > SFX: Blam! Blam! Sean: "Blam blam?" Kara: They used up all their good sound effects too early. > Kohrah: Filthy micronians! Sean [Ren Hoek]: You feeeeelthy little monkeys. > [Roy's cockpit] > Roy: Bastard! Kara: Dark Schneider? Where?! Sean: Hopeless. > [Roy's VF fires its head lasers] > SFX: VVOOOOO!! > [Khorah's MPA is hit] > Khorah: Unf! All: ACTING! > [Roy's cockpit] > Max: Phew! I think that was the last one, sir! > Roy: Better make a sweep to be sure! > [Khorah's MPA gets up] > Roy: I'm not relaxing until we're out of this gravity trap, Max. Sandra [Max]: Say, is there any chance that you just winged that last one and he's gonna get away and make a last ditch effort to get the last engine? Matt [Roy]: Depends. How many pages are left? > Khorah: How can this be? Defeated by Micronians? Sean [Khorah]: And their lousy dog too! > [Khorah's cockpit] > Khorah: Never! I will never be defeated! Sandra: Care to say that you're invincible while you're at it? It's the sort of thing villains always say before they die. And trust me, I know. > [Khorah's MPA launches] > SFX: RAAAGH! > [Khorah's MPA flies over the city while Max & Roy's VF watch] Sean: It's a long fly ball! No, wait! It's a long fly MPA! > Max: Sir! > Roy: What the heck?? Max! Quick!! After 'im! Sean [Singing]: Gotta catch 'em all! [Matt, Kara and Sandra hit him] Sorry! Sorry! Stop it already! > [Khorah's MPA with Max & Roy's VF chasing and firing Nose lasers] All: Nose lasers! Nose lasers! [They dance around like idiots] Louisa [V/O]: Allright already! It's nearly over! > Max: Sir! He's heading for another anti-gravity module! He must have detected it > powering up! > Roy: Captain Gloval! This is Fokker! We got a live one heading right for an anti > -gravity module! > [Roy's cockpit, Gloval and Claudia on screen] > Roy: And he won't go down! Sean: Kara, don't you *dare* say a thing. Kara: I'll be good. > Gloval: Claudia! > Claudia: We're at 98 percent power on the system ... not enough! Matt: Have you tried re-calibrating the subspace harmonics of the dilithium matrix in the main deflector array? That always works. > Gloval: Fokker! You've got to take him down! Sandra: You can do it! Only you can save Mankind! Kara: Run Forrest, run! > [Roy and Max fire on Khorah's MPA] Sandra: How'd they get inside Breetai's ship all of a sudden? Matt: Say what? Sandra: That background is from the interior of Breetai's ship. Matt: Thank you for that. Now shut up. > Roy: Captain Gloval! We're hitting this guy with everything but the kitchen sink!!! > [Khorah's MPA heads for a generator] > Roy: But he's still flying! > [Khorah's cockpit] Sean: Hey! His trendy cybernetics have vanished. Kara: Maybe they fell off. > Khorah: I win, micronians! I allways win!! Sandra: Never say something like that. Your death is certain. > [Khorah's cockpit] > Khorah: Nnnooo!!! This can't happen...!!! Sandra: That's a far cry from "I always win", isn't it? > [Khorah's MPA explodes] Sandra: See? > SFX: WWHHOOMM!! > [Gloval] > Gloval: Commence overdrive! Now!!! Kara: Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! > [SDF-1 zooms off into space] > [SDF-1 in space with asteroids in background] Matt: Last page, everyone. > Later... Sean: Two text boxes! Count them! Two! > Lisa: That was too close! > Claudia: That instant acceleration was almost too much for the inertia inhibitors, Lisa! > Lisa: Claudia, I am definitely getting too old for this! Sandra: She's 25. In Anime, that's ancient. Matt: Bitter? Sandra: A bit. > Where are we now? Kara: almost at the end! Yay! > [Claudia, Lisa and Gloval on the bridge] > Claudia: Looks like we're in the Asteroid belt. Matt [Lisa]: How can you tell? Sean [Claudia]: Well, there are all these asteroid around... > We're slowing down from being catapulted! Sandra: OK! No need to shout about it. Sean: The letters obviously were getting a bulk deal on the exclamation marks. > Lisa: Claudia, I hope you don't mind if I send Roy a big bouquet and a "thank you" note for > the work he did today! And who was that rookie on his wing? He was really good! Kara: Take that how you will. > [Gloval] > Gloval: Yes, he was, Lisa! After we arrive on Mars, I'll have Fokker assign him to the first > open fighter slot! Sandra: Come again? Pilots are dropping like flies and you don't have a vacant slot? > Fokker's secret sortie with the first open fighter slot! Matt: I guess all the no-names don't count then. > Fokker's secret sortie with the "Special Long-Range VF-1X" was a great success! Sean: And over a year before it's first flight. That is a success. > We will learn a great deal > once the data is analyzed! Just in time, it would seem, as the enemy has some new technology > we did not account for this time... Kara: That whoopie cushion of theirs was just too much, I guess. > Even though Max Sterling's skill was needed during the > testing of "Special VF-1X", I'm afraid I'll have to terminate his battlefield commission as > Lieutenant so that we can keep the testing secret! Matt: This sounds like it was badly hammered on the end to explain all the gaffes in the story. > As for now, it looks like we are going to > get a long needed rest! Let's hope this trip is a quiet one. All: Yeah, right. > The End (For now) [They all boo] Louisa [V/O]: And as an extra bonus, I give you the back cover blurb. > "In the year 1999, a spaceship crashed on Earth, triggering a world war. After the war, > the ship was discovered and rebuilt as the SUPER DIMENSIONAL FORTRESS-1 (or SDF-1). > Soon, the original owners of the ship, known as the Zentraedi, would lay claim to it, > and Earth would be embroiled in yet another war... this time of galactic proportions! > Join the crew of the SDF-1 as they attempt to break past the enemy and return home. > This is the ROBOTECH SAGA." Sandra: Do you think they got anything right in there? Matt: Who cares? Let's get out of here. [Door 1 - It's a vault door. It swings shut as you leave] [Door 2 - It's a rolling garage door. You wrestle it shut and proceed] [Door 3 - It's a double wooden door with wrought-iron edging set in stonework. It creaks shut and you proceed] [Door 4 - It's a revolving door. You go around several times then proceed.] [Door 5 - It's one of the doors from the Death Star. It whooshes down and nearly takes your feet off as you proceed.] The four of them wearily filed out of the theatre and back to the SoR's bridge. Matt and Sean collapsed onto chairs, while Kara lent on the main console. Sandra somehow managed to stay standing unaided. "That hurt" Matt panted out. "I cannot believe we survived that" "Tell me about it" Sean replied. "The pain..." Kara nodded. "But it's over now." "For now." Sandra replied. "These experiments can go on for a while. "Like how long?" Matt asked, cautiosly. "Well" Sandra paused. "The longest of them lasted for some ten years." "Ten... years?" Kara stammered out. "Of course, that's not counting for all the spatial abnormalities..." Sandra replied. "There was a five hundred year gap in the middle..." "Great" Sean replied. "Any more bad news?" The Mads light flashed. "Only that Kumpektu and Astaroth are calling us" Sandra finished. "Could someone get that?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever" Kara muttered and hit the button. The four of them stood in front of the monitor as Louisa and Carla appeared. Louisa looked smug. Carla was smiling like an idiot. "Greetings, boobies." Louisa began. "Hi there, Kara-Chan!" Carla added, and was swatted away by Louisa. "Oww! That hurt!" She winged as she got to her feet. "Anyway, I was just wondering what you thought of the comic?" "Bad" Matt answered. "Inconsistent" Sandra added. "Lame" Sean continued. "And the source of a major, major headache" Kara finished. "But you're not all barking mad? No sudden urges to bow down before me and make me emperor of the Earth? No strange... desires?" She said, warily eyeing Kara. "Nope" Matt replied. "Damn." Louisa replied. "Suggestion: Continued regular application of bad comics might produce a favorable outcome" A flat, metallic voice at Louisa's end said. "Define a favorable outcome" Louisa replied. "They all go completely mad" "What the smeg was that?!" Sandra asked in astonishment. "Yeah..." Carla stammered. "What was that?" "That?" Louisa replied, idly examining her nails. "That's CABAAL. He came free with this used Montauk." "He's sooooo cute!" Carla squealed with delight. "Can we keep him?" "Yes, we can!" "Cool!" Carla leapt onto Louisa and grabbed her chest. "Get off me!" Louisa shouted as she threw Carla to the floor. "They're idiots" Sandra muttered. The other three nodded. "Aww..." Carla replied. "You don't want me?" "No" She replied flatly. "Now push the button!" "Right! Pushing the button!" Carla leapt up, pushed the button and grabbed Louisa from behind. The screen went blank, accompanied by a blood-curdling scream from Louisa. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MSTer's notes: Sorry part 3 took so long. I'd blame it on something else, but I've just been lazy. I'll attach character profiles to my next MSTing, if I do one. At present, it looks like I'll be doing the psychedelic "Aftermath #11" by Bruce Lewis, with a short, the totally trippy "Aftermath #12". Thanks to the Robotech Message board for encouragement and observation. Thanks especially to Ghosty and Sgt. Anjay for feedback, and Basara for the tips about borrowed Yamato plots. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Closing theme: "Our Time" (HHH's WWF entrance theme) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Sandra Blackmore, Matt Green, Kara and Louisa Chang are copyright 1998-1999 Alex Fauth Sean and Carla Harwood are copyright 1998-1999 Max Fauth CABAAL is copyright 1999 Westwood Studios Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > V/O: Blue leader!!! Sterling been hit!