Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Episode 40 - A little parody piece by Jamie Jeans, sending up EVA self- insertions and Elmer Studios at the same time. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Neon Australian Exodus is copyright Jamie Jeans. No offence is intended, but it's just so much fun. Elmer Studios and all characters are copyright... us. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side.] [Dan is sitting on the forwards facing couch, examining a magazine. Rick enters and strolls over to him.] Rick: Hey there. What you got? Dan: Huh? Oh, it's the latest issue of the Toy Review magazine. Rick: Why are you bothering reading that? Dan: 'Cause they've got previews of the AAVM action figure range. Rick: Hey, cool! Shove over! [Rick barges his way onto the couch next to Dan.] Rick: So what have they got? Dan: They've got pics of most of the prototypes, and a list of the eventual releases. Rick: Let's see... Ye, gods! Do they really need that many? Dan: You'd be surprised. They're crawling out of the woodwork these days. Rick: What have they got? Dan: Well, there's the singles packs, obviously. Mostly of the top contenders, but also the notables others. I think just about everyone who competed in Otakumania gets a singles pack. Rick: Fair enough. But what about the rest of the characters? Dan: Well, you can only get some of them in "Manager" or "Tag Team" packs. Like Storm Gryphon here, who you can only get with Patterson as a manager. Rick: But they've already got a General Patterson figure. Dan: Yeah, well, it's a colour variation or something in the manager pack. Rick: Ah, I get it. Like how you can only get Dark Sonic as Kefkain's manager? Dan: Even though they've already got a Kefkain figure, yeah. That stinks. Rick: That's marketing. I mean, if you want Bane, you've got to get the tag-team version of Nav with him. Dan: Yup. Say, they've even got one for Jimmy D. Extreme here. Rick: Wah! How do you get that? Dan: In a versus pack with Bane. Rick: But, you need to get- Dan: Yeah, I know. Rick: So in order to get everyone, you'd have to be swimming in duplicates. Dan: That's about it. Rick: I should speak to my editor. We're trying to work out an action figure deal right now. Dan: I tell ya, it's the way to go. The collection value can push prices through the roof. Rick: What about the play value? Dan: Huh? Rick: You know, for the kids. Dan: Rick, you ever heard of McFarlane toys? Rick: Natch. [Rebecca enters] Rebecca: So what riveting topic is absorbing your meagre minds today? Dan: AAVM Action figures. Rick: Hey look! They got K5 ones! Dan: Hey! I'm getting those. Except Noriko. Who'd want those? Rebecca [Sighs]: You two... Where's Wonderboy? Rick: He's not with you? Rebecca: Nope. [She looks at the computer] I suppose I should do the fanmail segment then. [The three of them walk over to the computer. Rebecca sits down and clicks some clicky things.] Rebecca: We got three. Two on "Fate of the Children". Rick: Yay. Who are they from? Rebecca: Here's one from Mike Surbrook on "Fate of the Children." > >Rick: So Does this mean that we'll be seeing Miles O'Keefe too? I hope > >not. > Hey guys, just how much 'OKeefe was in *this* fanfic? > MILES O'KEEFE! > >> throwing NERV into a state of panic. > >Dan: [Gendo] Alright, who left a potato in the microwave? > In America, that would be 'potatoe'. Hmmm... Dan - Dan Quayle, seperated > at birth? Rebecca: Maybe a distant ancestor. Dan: No fair. Anyway, Elmer Studios is Australian so we've got an excuse for bad spelling. > >> looking at this strange new girl. > >Rick: Asuka's brain's gone back on line. > >Dan: Well, when was the last time you saw someone wearing a hubcap on > >their chest? > "Cave Dwellers" > >Rick: He's kinda like an Ogre, only airborne. > Hey, don't be bustin' on the world's coolest cybertanks! Dan: Hey, don't go bustin' on Zeruel. You haven't seen him yet. Rick: I actually intended it as a compliment to Zeruel. > >> In her own EVA, Lisa felt Rei's pain > Bill Clinton in a guest appearence as Lisa. Rebecca: Sick. > >> down on the tewo on the grond, > >Dan: So it smacked them down onto a huge, four-armed monster? > >Rick: If anyone other than Mike Surbrook gets that, do tell. > And I did get that. > I gotta stop reading these EVA fics... I only have Vols 1 & 2 of the Viz > collections and really on't want to ahvethe series spoiled for me. Rick: You better off watching it than reading those comic adaptations. And trust me, these fics are *way* off. > -- > Michael Surbrook - susano@otd.com - http://www.otd.com/~susano/index.html Rebecca: Well thanks for that. Good to see that *someone* got all those jokes. Dan: What's next? Rebecca: One from a Sgt. Anjay, also on "Fate of the Children." > RE:"Fate of the Children" > RARELY have I seen anything (and I mean anything) that deserved to be MSTed > more! THAT WAS HORRENDOUS!! ***BLLLLEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH*** The > author was clueless, had a less than limited grasp of english language and > structure (and this is coming from someone who's first language wasn't > english), didn't get Eva AT ALL, and was obviously pushing her lifestyle > choice on anyone unfortunate enough to stumble across her fic (you'd think > that after Asuka's experiences with her mother that'd be the LAST lifestyle > choice she'd ever make. And then there's the fact that Rei had relations with > males. And then there's the inane Jo.....*sigh*). Rick: Personally, I think she's got a good chance in next year's "Worst new character." Rebecca: Tabris must be one seriously screwed up angel. > Your systematic > decontruction of each and every bit of that fic was thus as justified as it > was enourmously hillarious. I laughed, i cried, i said "huh?" alot, All: So did we. > but that's to be expected. So in summation, job well done. > Sgt. Anjay Dan: Well thanks! Rick: Good to see someone appreciated all the torture we suffered on that one. Rebecca: And here's another one from him on... Well, "Chaos in Time." [She glares darkly at the ceiling.] > Just read the last chapter of "Chaos in Time". > > "VENUS PEACE AND LOVE STRIKE!!!" > Dan: PACIFIST KICK! > Rick: KINDNESS TO ANIMALS CRUSH! > Rebecca: GOODWILL TO ALL MEN SMASH! > BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH......AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....MWAHAMW > AHAMWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....PACIFIST...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH....KI > NDNESS TO ANI--AAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH....GOODWILL > TO.......HEHEHAHAHAHAHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE.....AAAAAAHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH > AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH......EHEH > HEH....HEH......*SNICKER*.......*WHEEZ*......HEH....HEH. > Sgt. Anjay > P.S. the rest of the riff was pretty good too. Rick: Obviously Anjay's medication is kicking in. Rebecca: Well, thanks... I think. Dan: So... Rick: So... Rebecca: Is he actually gonna turn up? Dan: I hope so. Voice: Morning all. Rebecca: Hi there, Olmec head. Voice: [Sighs] Hello, Rebecca. Dan: What have we got today? Voice: I've found a short Final Fantasy- [Tsuneo barges in through the door holding a video cassette.] Tsuneo: Hey guys! Rick: Hey! About time you showed up. Tsuneo: Sorry I'm late I got us something special. Dan: Oh? Tsuneo: Yeah. It's a little piece Jamie Jeans wrote specifically for us. I've already read it, it's great. Dan: Does it have Samantha in it? Tsuneo: No. Dan: Aww... Voice: Uh, excuse me? We've got a review to do here. Rebecca: Stick it, Olmec head. I wanna watch this. Voice: Why you... Tsuneo: What did you just call him? Rebecca: Olmec head. You know, one of those huge Olmec stoneheaddy things. I got a six-pack of them down at C-ko's. Rick: Uh... right. [Tsuneo walks over to the TV, ejects the cassette in the video machine and puts in his own. They sit on the couches - Dan & Rebecca facing forwards and Rick and Tsuneo on the sideways couch. Rick and Rebecca are closest on the corners.] [The TV switches on.] Tsuneo: Trust me, guys, you'll love this one. > Moshi moshi minna! > Well, I was in the chat hall today talking with Tsuneo and he > started talking about lousy SI fanfics. Well, with me hyped up on > chocolate milk and pop and too much caffieene, I took his musing to > heart and we worked this out! Enjoy everyone! Rick: Care to explain? Tsuneo: Well, I brought up "Fate of the Children" and "Hellstorm Evangelion," so we came up with this. Rebecca: So whatever happens here, it's partially your fault, right? Tsuneo: Err... > Yours Truly, > Jamie Jeans > "Jolt! Sweet... nourishing... jolt..." Dan: Soon to be declared the official soft drink of the Internet. Rick: They're still working on putting it out in IV drip form, aren't they? > Neon Australian Exodous All: Australian? Voice: [Whistles innocently.] Rebecca: Alright, once and for all, [Points at ceiling] he's Australian but we're not. > WRITTEN BY: Jamie Jeans a.k.a. JOLT!!! Tsuneo: Oww! No need to yell. > Hello to you people, one and all! Although it looks to be more one then > all... damn... guess I'm not advertising right. Rick: Jamie is rambling again. > Anyhow, this is the > second series of what I'd like to call as a riffing parody, that is, > it's a parody of an anime using one of the many riffing teams found at > SVAM. Dan: This is gonna be great. I loved "Sailor Vigilantes." Rebecca: You know, that's really surprising coming from you, considering it was a Sailor Moon parody and all. Dan: Are you kidding? *Those* people in *those* outfits? Rebecca: [Whacks Dan with a cushion] Dan, that is so... You. > This time, because a certain someone asked me to... [They all glare evilly at Tsuneo.] Tsuneo: What? You'll love it. > [Author discreetly shakes unsaid person's hand and cackles evily > alongside him.] Rick: O... Kay. > ...and since it was such a damn funny idea, I decided to make a > continuiation parody of Neon Genesis Evangellion using the three riffing > characters of Rebecca, Dan, and Tsuneo from the Faux Brothers riffing > team. [Dan & Rebecca stare in horror at the screen.] Rick: This is gonna hurt. Rebecca: Us? You got him to use us without permission? Dan: Hey, chill out. It could be fun. Besides I wouldn't mind seeing you in a plugsuit. Rebecca: Really, Dan? I wouldn't mind seeing you in a pine box, but never mind. Rick: How come I never get in any of these things? > This will also play off allot of other NGE SI characters and > fanfics... why? Because I felt like it... Tsuneo: And because they deserve it. All: Here, here! > The sugar and caffiene also did not have no influence upon my thinking > upon the time of the creation of this fanfic so there! NYAH!!! Rick: Er... Of course not, Jamie. Dan: I wonder what would happen if you deprived him of his caffeine and sugar? > LEGAL STUFF: All the characters and concepts of Neon Genesis Evangellion > belongs to the wonderully creative people who made the show. Why? > Because I sure as hell didn't make them and I don't think that I could > afford the money to pay the lawyers to defend me in a lawsuit against > the people who created them if I said that I created NGE and owned them > as well... Oh yeah, the riffing characters of Rebecca, Dan, And Tsuneo > belong to the Faux brothers. Tsuneo: Twisted clones of the Fauth brothers. > Who have no relation to the Wright > brothers... nor the Wrong brothers... or even the Marx brothers... you > ever watch the Marx brothers? Damn they're funny... All: Get on with it! > But anyhow, thanks for letting me use them! Rebecca: Yeah, gee, thanks Tsuneo. Dan: Think plugsuit. Think plugsuit. Rebecca: Think napalm enema. Dan: Yeowch. > Now, on to the story!!! > Such as it is... Rick: Ah, damn. He beat me to it. > ________________________________________________________________________ > It was a peaceful sunny day in Tokyo-3, the weather remaining so even as > the giant Angel proceeded to mow down the U.N. artillery and armed > forces on it's way to Adam. Rick: In other words, just a typical morning in Tokyo three. Dan: Oh, it's lovely this morning. The sun's shining, there's not a cloud in the sky and you can barely notice the Angel trashing the neighbourhood. > Most people, those that were dumb enough to > stay behind and have a close up look of the destruction, were wondering > where the mighty purple colored behemoth, Rebecca: BW Megatron? Dan: Super Barney? Tsuneo: Oni? Rick: Soundwave on a bad day? > EVA-01, was to? Tsuneo: Busy playing kick the Volkswagen. > Within minues of arriving on the scene, the angel, which looked like a > horrid eighty story tall domnatrix Barbie doll on steroids in black > leather... All: Urk... Tsuneo: No matter how many times I read this, I can never get over that one. > [Author's note: Why the hell are Dominatrix queens always in either > black or red leather? Why not blue or green? Much more livlier color...] Dan: Jamie? I think you're missing the point here. > ... had demolished the U.N. forces and was proceeding to borrow down > into the Geofront. Using it's mighty PLALLIC SYMBOL OF DOOM (tm), it dug > and thrusted at the ground like a ravaging animal, Dan: O_o Rebecca: Yes, but what would Freud say? > tearing away the armored plates like they were butter. Rebecca: That's not easy. You try spreading butter on a cold morning. > Inside the control base of the Geofront, Misato cursed and turned to > Maya. Dan: Another sad victim of Jusenkyo water based pranks... > "Where the hell is Shinji and Rei? Tsuneo: Where is they? What, have they been fused or something? Rick: Now, now, Jamie's trying his hardest. > Shouldn't they be out there by now?" > "I'm sorry mamm, but they both went nuts at the beginning of this! Don't > you remember?" Tsuneo: [Misato] No, because that footage was cut from the dubbed release. > Maya said, punching up a video feed on the large monitoring screen. > On one side of a split feed, Shinji was attempting to hang himself using > the cords of his walkman while on the other side, Rei stared creepily > into the camera. Rick [Rei]: Does it bug you when I do this? > "I'm nuts," she said in her monotone voice. "Goo goo... gah gah..." Tsuneo: Her delivery is awesome. > Misato shuddered and winced as another explosion rocked the Geofront. Rebecca [Maya]: Not me. I never touched the curry. > "Well if we don't have someone pilot an Eva out there to srtop that > thing, we're all dead!" > "What about Asuka?" Maya asked. > "She's gone psycho as well," Ritsuko said from her station. Dan: Whaddya mean "Gone?" > "Damn! Who the heck are we going to get to fight that new angel?" Misato > demanded, thumping her fist down on the control panel. Dan: The A-Team! [Everyone stares at Dan.] Dan: Wha? > "Fortunately, I have prepared for this possible scenario," Gendou, voice > perfect neutral as always. Rebecca: Face unmoving, eye's unflinching. > "You have? So what is it?" Maya asked. > "First, we relocate to Australia. Sydney, Australia. Tsuneo: That's very nice, except that it was flooded in Second impact. Rebecca: You know, that would have added a really nice touch to the Olympics. Rick: And the only sign of Sydney's passing? Hundreds of Syd, Boof and Dickhead dolls floating on the surface. > There is a Geofront there that we can set up in," Gendou started. > "Uh... when did we have a Geofront in Australia?" Misato asked. Dan: Yeah, that is a good one. Rebecca: The miracles of plot contrivances. > "We always did," Gendou replied. > "But..." > "Look, we just did, okay?!" Gendou snapped back, silencing Misato. Dan: That's logic for ya. > So just as suddenly as everyone and everything was in Tokyo-3, everyone > and everything had been suddenly placed in Sydney-3 in Australia. [They're all pressed back into the couches, then suddenly thrown off them.] Rick: That's about the fastest scene change ever. > "How the heck did we get here so fast?" Ritsuko asked, dumbfounded. Rebecca: Like I said, the miracles of plot contrivances. Tsuneo: I dunno. Ask Ben Hutchins. > "You know, this reminds me of the time with that DJ guy..." Misato > started. Tsuneo: Yeah, you know, it is. Rebecca: Don't say that name. You'll give Maya nightmares. > "DJ dosen't exist. He's a part of your imagination," Gendou said. All: [Cheer wildly] > "And the time with that Lisa Foster person," Maya added, Rick: Don't remind us, please. > but went silent at a glare from Gendou. Rick: [Gendo] Bad girl. Bad. > "Fuyutsuki... bring in the chosen adults," Gendou istructed his silver > haired companion. Rick: [Fuyutski] Hey! I'm actually getting to do something in one of these fics! Rebecca: Adults? Okay... > Nodding once, Fuyutsuki walked off and came back in a few minutes later, > three adults following close behind him. Rick: It's Vince McMahon and the corporation! Rebecca: It's the Three Amigos! Dan: No, it's the Three Stooges. Tsuneo: [Bursts out laughing] Dan: What? Rebecca: Uh-oh... > The first was a caucasian man nearing his late twenties, who stood at > about six feet high and had a well built body, clad in jeans and a tank > top. Rebecca: Hmm... This description seems awfully familiar, but I can't figure why... [looks at Dan.] > His long, brown hair was tied back into a bad ponytail Dan: Nope, no-one I know. > and his > brown eyes looked eagerly at all the women in the control room, Rick: Yeah. Very familiar. > alighting on Misato and her... uh... more prominent features... > [Author's note: *whaps the guy* Stop that! God, what a pervert.] Dan: Ow! Rebecca: I thought so. Dan: Me? What in blazes am I doing here? > Upon seeing him, all the women in the control immediately reacted to his > blazing Aura of Repugness (tm), [Rebecca, Rick and Tsuneo all burst out laughing.] Dan: Hey! No fair! > Misato going so far as to take her can > of beer and throwing it at him. He ducked and gave her a hurt look, > which became even more hurt when Misato's second tossed beer can struck > him between the eyes, knocking him out cold. Rebecca: Woo-hoo! Rick: Go Misato! Dan: Hey! That does it! Tsuneo: Hey, Dan, feel honoured. She wasted a whole two beers on you. > [Author's note: And here you thought Misato was good at only *drinking* > beer... HAH!] Rick: I like this story. It's fun. Tsuneo: Best bit's yet to come. > "Uhh..." he said, laying on the floor. Rebecca: You know Dan, that's about the most intelligent thing you've ever said. Dan: Ha, ha. > "Way to go, Dan," the second one, an asian man in his late teens > standing at about five feet, eight inches tall, said. Brushing aside his > bown hair, Tsuneo: Er... Hello? I don't have brown hair. Rebecca: it's probably just a Wyoming effect. Tsuneo: Shut up! > his brown eyes looked down at his companion even as his > medium buld moved easily beneath the jeans and Akira shirt and nudged > Dan with his foot. Rebecca: Careful with that, Tsuneo. You might catch something. > "What's your next trick? Get yourself stomped on by an EVA?" Rebecca: Oh, can we watch? [Dan brains her with a cushion.] > "Nah, that'll be my next trick, Tsuneo," the third adult, a woman, age > unknown, with long black hair, blue gray eyes, Rebecca: Oh gods, no. Rick: This is getting better by the second. Tsuneo: It gets even better, Rick. Rick: Why's that? Tsuneo: You're not in it. Rick: Kickass. > and wearing a black flightsuit over her lean, muscular body, replied. Dan: Ooh... What a view from down here. [Rebecca brains him with a cushion] > "Getting stepped on?" Tsuneo asked. Dan: Oh, can we watch? [Rebecca brains him with a cushion. Dan blows a raspberry at her.] Tsuneo: Pretty accurate characterisation, eh? [Rick nods] > "Nope... stepping on Dan," she answered with w wicked smile on her face. Dan: Ulp... I didn't need that. Rebecca: I did. > "Oh gee, thanks for the concern over my safety, Rebecca," Dan said as he > sat up. He took a closer look at Rebecca and smiled. "Wow... that suit > really fits you..." He looked closer at her chest. "And it's cold in > here, too!" Rebecca: Dan, that is so... You. Dan: What can I say? I'm a man of class. And you do look great in that flightsuit. > "BAKA!!!" Rebecca: Hey, since when did I speak Japanese? Tsuneo: It's an anime fanfic in English. Of course everyone knows fanboy Japanese. > *POW* > "Owww..." Rick: Now all we need is a cushion and it's perfect. > "And these are the pilots that are going to save us?" Ritsuko said with > a skeptical look on her face. Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] We're doomed. Rebecca: Hey Tsuneo? If you're piloting the EVA, does that mean you're gonna wear tight shorts? Tsuneo: ... > However, she couldn't help but leer at > Rebecca and notice that it was rather cold in the control room. Rebecca: Huh? > In fact, > *all* of the women seemed to be staring at Rebecca and her rather tight > flightsuit, at how it clung to her every curve and accentuated each and > everyone one of them... Rebecca: This is getting pretty tasteless, very quickly. Dan: I've gotta say I don't mind this turn of events. > [Author's note: *freaks out as his computer catches on fire from the > steamy description*] Rebecca: Good ol' Jamie. Rick: He probably got a nosebleed about then as well. > "Yes... these are the Chosen Adults, selected to pilot the EVA's in case > the Chosen children were deemed too unstable," Gendou explained. Rick: You guys do of course realise that the world is doomed. Dan: No way! We could pelt the Angel to death with huge cushions. Rebecca: Can I have a neat red & black EVA like Jon's? Tsuneo: [Gendo] There is no such person as Jon Ellis nor Otto Keller or Dr. Spiner. Silly person. Rebecca: Well can I have a red and black EVA anyway? > Suddenly, an explosion rocked the control room and the Angel called > Barabello entered the Geofront. All: It's the Bobbi golem! > "This certainly looks promising," Tsuneo commented as the angel > proceeded to head towards where Adam was stored. Rebecca: Tsuneo, you'd be the only person to look upon the destruction of the entire world as a good thing. Tsuneo: Not that, it's just that I get to kick some Angel ass. Rick: If you can find the ass on some of them, you're doing well. Dan: Say... How'd the Angel get to Sydney-3 so quickly? Rick: They must have relocated it as well. > "Quick! Into your Eva units!" Misato ordered. All: It's morphing time! Tsuneo: Just for the hell of it. > ***** > "DAN! YOU PERVERT!!!" Rebecca shouted, punting Dan, Rick: Good to see that Jamie's characterisation is spot on. > who was dressed in a larger version of Rei's plug suit, All: O_o Dan: Uh... Uh... Rebecca: So, Dan, something you're not telling us? Dan: Ack! Rick: I love it! Dan: I... er... that is... > out from the change room before finish putting on her plug suit. > "Ouch! I'm sorry! I thought it was the men's bathroom," Dan replied, Rebecca: Yeah, right. Like that's gonna convince me. Tsuneo: But it is in character. Dan: Hey, what is this? National "Rag on Dan" week? > rubbing his head and standing up. "Shhesh... oh well... Dan: At least I got to watch her get dressed. > snagged her > panties..." He relished his captured prize and rubbed the purple dotted > undergarment against his face. Rebecca: Pervert. And I *don't* wear purple dotted underpants. Those must be Rick's. Rick: Dan stealing my underpants. That does actually make sense. Dan: Hey! Rick: Well, given what he was wearing... Dan: No fair! That plugsuit was Jamie's fault! Tsuneo: Probably made for your sister. > Tsunso, now dressed in a larger version of Shinji's plugsuit, upon > seeing this, sighed and held his head, then dragged Dan along to the > entry bays. "Come oin you dolt! We've got a world class menace to > destroy!" Dan: But you left her in the change rooms! Tsuneo: Wrong world class menace, you dolt. [Rebecca hits him with a cushion] > "Ohhh... but I wanted to see Rebecca again," Dan pouted as he was > dragged along. Rick: Ah, just wait for the other SIs to come along. she'll be shedding her clothes like there's no tomorrow. Dan: Where's DJ when you need him? Rebecca: Where's Issei when you need him? Dan & Tsuneo: Gah! > Tsuneo managed to do a frighteningly real imitation of Ruri-chan all the > way to the Eva's. Tsuneo: I can too, you know. [They all inch away from Tsuneo] Rick: I'm scared! > ***** > "CHARGE!!!" Rebecca shouted, directing Eva-02 towards the angel Rebecca: Remind me to get that thing repainted. Dan: Actually, EVA-02 does suit her. I mean, given it's previous pilot. Rick: Yeah, very true. I can see the similarities already. Rebecca: ... > with her BIGGER PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM (tm). Dan: O_o Rebecca: Er... Rick: Jamie needs to get out more. > Slowly, Dan and Tsuneo followed behind, armed to the gills with guns. > But although Dan was piloting EVA-01, Rebecca: Go on, Unit 01. Got psycho. You know you want to. Dan: Hah. Just goes to prove who's cool around here. The hero *always* pilots Unit 01. > Tsuneo was in a brand new one. > Standing as tall as the other Eva's, this one was colored a bright green > and dashes of red along the arms and legs. Tsuneo: I've gotta do something about that paint job. Rick: Where'd they get a new EVA from? Tsuneo: Rick, given everything else that's happened here, do you really want to know? Rick: Point. > In his hands, he held a BFG at the ready, Tsuneo: Doom has an awful lot to answer for. > prepared to blow away Barabello if Rebecca was unable to > do so in Unit-02. > EVA-01 stumbled slightly and fell to the ground, Rebecca: Tripped over his own shoelaces. Dan: I would never! > thrashing about and demolishing a few acres of land. Rick: Thus fulfilling NERV's quota of property damage for the day. > "AHH!!! Stop it! Stop it!" his voice as heard clearly over the intercom. > "Dan? What's wrong?" Tsuneo asked, placing a foot down on Unit-01's > chest to keep it from moving about. > "This damn thing keeps on asking for Shinji and I keep telling it that > *I'm* it's new pilot!" Rick: You see, without Microsoft Shinji Ikari- Dan: TM. Rick: Microsoft Evangelion 01- Dan: TM. Rick: Will be unable to function properly. Thus we need to sell it as one package. Rebecca: So Microsoft's the true power behind NERV? That explains a lot. > Dan shouted as he struggled with the controls. > "I'm a good pilot! I can pilot this!" Dan [Shamrock]: I'm in my zone! > "Apparently not," Tsuneo replied. Dan: Like hell! I'm way better than you! Tsuneo: No chance. Dan: I am! Tsuneo: Get real. Rick: Do you two mind holding this off for later? You can kill each other after we've killed the fic. Rebecca: Yeah. Besides, I'm better than either of you. > "Can so!" Dan shot back. "I'm a very good pilot. I'm not wearing no > underwear." Rebecca: That is a very dodgy statement coming from a guy wearing Rei's plugsuit. Dan: ... > While the two Eva pilots bickered, Rebecca was having a hard time > thrusting her BIGGER PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM (tm) at the Angels weak > point on her back side. Rebecca: I'm not gonna even think about that one. Dan: Phallic weapon... back side.... Nope. Me neither. > The angel's front, covered up by many layers of > impenetrable leather, made going through her top an impossible task. Rick: I don't think it was the leather that was the problem. Rebecca: Thank you *so* much for that, Rick. Dan: Hey, is it cold out here in the Geofront too? I think it's an important detail. > That and the fact that Barabello's BIG PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM (tm) poked > and slapped against Rebecca's kept the Eva pilot at bay. Rebecca: Oy vey. Rick: This is very Freudian, don't you think? > "Dammit! I could use some help here!" Rebecca called out. > "Okay okay! Hang on!" Tsuneo shouted, rushing forward and aiming the > BFC. Rick: Tsuneo, it's a BFG. You don't really *need* to aim it. > Suddenly, Barabello's mouth cracked open and a horrid laughing noise > filled the Geofront, flooding all communications and stunning the Eva > pilots horribly. Dan: With little tweetie birds circling their heads and all. > "OHO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO!!! OHO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO!!! > OHO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO!!!" Rebecca: Great. Now we've wandered into that EVA\Slayers crossover... > "Oh no!" Maya's voice weakly came in over the radio. "It's employed it's > bitch laugh! Unless they reverse their AT fields and block it out, along > with some other technobabble, Rick: Don't forget to rotate the subspace harmonics of the main deflector array! Rebecca: And have something metaphasic. > then their brains will melt out through their ears!" Rick [Gendo]: Admit it. You're making this all up, aren't you. Rebecca [Maya]: Damn. You guessed. > "I heard that!" Dan shouted, holding his hands over his ears. Dan: You know, this is really doing a lot for your pilot's morale. > "Whoops... I guess I accidently left this on..." Maya said. "*click* > There, now they can't hear us say how much they're gonna screw up and > contribute to the end of the world as we know it." > "WHAT?!" all three Eva pilots shouted. Tsuneo: Nice going, Maya. Dan: She's showing her true professionalism here. Rick: She could make a great second banana. Rebecca: And Ritsuko in a lime green lab coat? Hmm... [Long pause] All: Nah. > "Whoops, I did it again," Maya said. "I'm going to go use the Magi to > play Ping Pong on." Rick: About the only thing they're good for some days. > "Hey, let me join you," Ritsuko said. Dan: Hello? Hello? Help? > "Excuse me? Massive crisis here!" Tsuneo said. After a moment of > silence, he sighed, reversed his AT field, blocked out the bitch laugh, > and blew Barabello away along with her BIG PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM (tm). Rebecca: Hey! How'd you know how to do that? Tsuneo: Just goes to show I'm the hero of this crummy story. > "Oh well... that's that," Tsuneo. Rick: Turn off the lights, let's all go home. > ***** > Later on that day in Misato's apartment, the newly appointed pilots of > the Eva units were fitting into their new home. Rebecca: Hey! Not a dog's chance in hell I'd move in there. Dan: Why? Probably looks pretty much like your own place. Rick: What I'd like to know is how all three of you and Misato fit when there's only three small rooms. Rebecca: Let's not go there, okay? Tsuneo: Dan gets the couch. > "For the last time, no! I am not going to sleep with you!" Msiato said > as she slapped Dan silly. Rebecca: Hooray! To think, I used to not like Misato. Now I realise how much of a sensible person she is. Dan: Is all of this fic gonna be about beating me up? Rebecca: Ask someone who cares. Rick: [Whispered to Tsuneo] Jamie got 'em pretty much perfect. Tsuneo: [Whispered to Rick] What's this "pretty much?" > "I told you that asking wouldn't work," Tsuneo said, gazing up from the > TV to watch as Dan hit the floor with a resounding thud. > "Oww... why is this always happening to me?" Dan whined. Dan: Look, no-one say anything here, okay? I've had enough. > "Hey, I know! Maybe Rebecca will sleep with me! [Rebecca whacks Dan with a cushion] Dan: Ow! Hey, that wasn't me! It was him! Rebecca: Just to be sure. > After all, we are destined to fall in > love and be the last two people left on Earth after the Third > Constructive Impact." Rebecca: Yeah, right. Faced with the choice of you and the extinction of the human race, I'd go for the latter. Dan: Don't flatter yourself. > Tsuneo blinked, stunned by what Dan had said, but he wasn't as stunned > when Maya and Ritsuko came in. Rick: Brilliant recovery there. > "Oh hi, don't mind us," Maya said cheerfully, waving at Tsuneo. Tsuneo: [Maya] We're not the self-insertions, so we're not important. > "Have you seen Rebecca?" Rick: [Under breath] How could you miss her? Tsuneo: [Under breath] Would you really want to? > Misato smiled wickedly and pointed at the bathroom. "She's having a > shower. Wanna go join her?" Dan: Ooh! Ooh! Yes please! Rebecca: You don't count, you're stunned on the floor. > "You bet!" Ritsuko said, rushing in first and surprising the hell out of > Rebecca. Misato and Maya were quick to follow suit. Dan: I presume this is the good bit. Rebecca: I presume this is the "I kill the author" bit. Rick: Well, I don't mind. [Rebecca brains him with a cushion] > "AHH!!! What the heck are all you wierd people doing following me > anyhow? I'm trying to have a bath here!" Rebecca shouted, stumbling out > with a towel hastily slung about her body. Dan: You know what? Stunned on the floor about know is the perfect place to be. [Rebecca whacks him repeatedly with a cushion until it breaks apart.] Tsuneo: This is so much fun! > Ignoring the drooling Dan, Tsuneo sighed and shook his head. "I think > you got your aura on backwards, Rebecca." Rebecca: Damn! I hate it when that happens. Dan: And what perfect timing. Here comes Lisa. Rebecca: Where's another cushion when you need it? > "Why can't I have her aura? She can have mine," Dan complained. Rick: So, Dan, does that mean you'd want people of the same sex clamouring all over you? Dan: Um... er... I mean the one that attracts girls like that. > "Fate, Danny boy," Tsuneo replied. "Fate..." > ________________________________________________________________________ > Please send any C & C to: xwing@uniserve.com [The TV switches off.] Tsuneo: See? Wasn't that brilliant? Rick: I'll be going now. [Rick gets up and bolts out the door. Dan and Rebecca give Tsuneo evil glares.] Tsuneo: so I suppose this is the bit where one of you two destroys the TV, huh? Rebecca: [To Dan] Do you wanna kill him, or should I? Dan: [To Rebecca] Let's both. [They both pounce on a very surprised Tsuneo.] [The screen goes blank.] Tsuneo: Ow! I don't care! Yeowch! It was- oof! -worth it! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAVM conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "Whoops, I did it again," Maya said. "I'm going to go use the Magi to > play Ping Pong on."