------------------------------------------------------------------------ Episode 143 brings us a guest MSTer and a whole load of Macross "fun" with an anachronistic Were-Tiger and his MAD SI SKILLZ! JOLT!!!: Been a long time since I teamed up with the Fauths Macross is copyright Bandai/Big West. Flight of the Nova Cat is copyright Tekkaman Xero --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small Kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A miniature zeppelin floats around the apartment.] [Rebecca and Tsuneo are sitting behind a desk, talking] Rebecca: Remember, be positive. Tsuneo: If this turns out to be Tango again, you're dead. [A young girl enters, dressed in grey slacks and a halter-top that shows off her midriff. She stands at about five feet, seven inches tall, and has shoulder length sandy blonde hair styled back into a ponytail, has green eyes, and a slim figure. She's carrying a newspaper in one hand.] Girl: Hi there... this the Elmer Studios place? Tsuneo: Yes this is the- Rebecca: Torture theatre [Tsuneo gives her a sidelong glare] Girl: Okayyy... but this is where I come to apply for this part time job of... [pauses to look at the newspaper] Fan fiction Review and Critique? Tsuneo: Yes it is. Rebecca: I keep telling you that we needed a less wordy ad. Tsuneo: Like what? Rebecca: Paid torture victims? Girl: Sheesh, you make this whole thing seem like a trip through hell. Just what do I have to do to get the job, anyhow? Tsuneo: You have to read a work of fanfiction and supply commentary. After the fic is done, you will need to review it for our boss, the Voice. Girl: The Voice? What, you guys work for some evil Tim Curry villain? Rebecca: No, but we can call him that... Thanks. Tsuneo: No, the Voice is our employer. He's a mysterious disembodied voice that speaks to us through, well, a speaker. We don't know his name- Rebecca: Yes, we do. Tsuneo: No we don't. It was ret-conned, remember? Rebecca: No. Tsuneo: My point. Girl: Hello, remember me? Girl desperately looking for work? I am hired, right? Rebecca: Sorry about that. Tsuneo: Well, as soon as we get your name. Girl: That's fairly simple. I'm Andriana Greenslade. Good to meet you two. Rebecca: Nice to meet you. Tsuneo: Now could you please tell us more about yourself, Andriana. Andriana: Well, I'm sixteen years old, I am not an obsessive Backstreet Boys fan, and I'm a psychokinetic who's pretty powerful... Rebecca: Psychokinetic? This should be fun. Tsuneo: Do you have any idea where he is? Rebecca: No, but it should be fun when he gets here. Tsuneo: And what previous work experience have you had? Andriana: Me? Heck, I got none... if I get this job, it'll be my first. I never even put on the stupid little cap and flip around fries yet. Rebecca: Good movie. Tsuneo: Well, it all looks good so far- [The door swings open. Dan enters] Dan: Hi guys! How's - Whoah! Who's the babe? Andriana: Excuse me? *blinks* Rebecca: This is Andriana our new- Dan: Hey there, babe! Andriana: Umm... right, hey how old are you? Dan: Twenty one. Tsuneo: He's twenty six. At least. Rebecca: More like the other side of thirty. Dan: Ignore them, babe. Andriana: Okay... well, just to let you know, I'm sixteen... as in the YOUNG side of twenty... so... just stop calling me babe. You're reminding me of those old fogey millionaires who marry young buxom blondes... Dan: ...sixteen... I feel so old... Rebecca: Nice work. Tsuneo: I think we should hire her on the spot. Rebecca: Sounds good to me. Andriana: Great! Whoo! Damn, my first job! So, how much am I getting paid? Tsuneo: You'll have to ask the Voice about that. Voice: Good morning, all. Rebecca: Speaking of which, here's Battle Damaged Jango Fett. Voice: I don't like you. Andriana: Better then being Sand Monster Eaten Boba Fett. And hey voice... so, how much am I getting paid for this? Voice: We'll discuss that later... Um, who are you? Rebecca [Writing]: Sand... monster... Andriana: [Looks up at ceiling] I'm the new girl! Andriana... [To Rebecca] He isn't much of a boss, is he? Rebecca: Not in the slightest. Voiuce: Hey! Dan: ...sixteen... Tsuneo: So what's the fic today? Andriana: Oi... fogey, you okay? [Snaps fingers in front of Dan's face] Voice: Today I've got a Macross fic for you all. Rebecca: TOS, Movie, Plus, Seven, Two, Videogame or Other? Voice: ... Tsuneo: Well done. [They sit, Dan and Andriana on the forwards-facing couch and Tsuneo and Rebecca on the other one. Andriana and Rebecca are closest on the corners.] Andriana: Actually, one thing before we start... what's a Macross? Is that one of those Pokemon things? Tsuneo: No, it's Science Fiction. Adrianna: So what happens? Rebecca: A huge ship crashes on Earth and then the humans fix it. Then a whole bunch of aliens show up and ask for it back. A war starts, and then the world is saved by cheesy J-Pop. Adraiana: I see... And what do we do afterwards? Rebecca: The guest star of the day - that would be you - blows up the TV and Then we tell the voice what we thought. Andriana: Awesome! [The TV switches on] >Flights of the Nova Cat Dan: Proof that any Battletech Mech with rockets duct taped to it CAN fly. >By Tekkaman Xero > >Chapter 1 > >Disclaimer: I do not own Macross. No money is being made off of this. Rebecca: The same could have been said for Macross II. >Nikita Harte, the new aircraft mechanic of the Arizona-based UN Spacy Test >Flight Center, Andriana: A flight centre in Arizona where Space is misspelled. I sense imminent doom. Rebecca: Belive it or not, it's actually called that. Japanglish has a lot to answer for. >walked excitedly towards the hangar where a few planes needed a tune-up. Nikita >was an EXCELLENT mechanic, Andriana: Did you hear me?! An EXCELLENT MECHANIC! [Dan leaps up and air-guitars] >at only 19 years, and had been repairing planes for private citizens at a local >private airport back home since she was 15. Tsuneo: They constantly crashed and burned. She never said she was any good at it. >When she heard the rumors of a new >high-tech aircraft being developed by UN Spacy, Tsuneo: You know, one misspelling in that and you'd have Spacely... >she immediately signed up hoping to get to work on them. She was somewhat short >in comparison to most base personnel, Andriana: Sure they'd use her head as a beer can rest whenever she walked by... >at only 5'6", Tsuneo: 5'6" isn't short; she'd be taller than half of the Macross cast. > but she could probably beat the shit out of almost anyone. Rebecca: Personal tasers are such a wonderful thing these days. Tsuneo: The dreaded Nikita Harte takes out it's prey with a strike to the Achilles tendon, severing it in one blow before descending on the sensitive, Unprotected underbelly. >Speaking of beating people up, on her way to the hangar Tsuneo: Well that sounds like a link to me. >she was scanning around >for cute guys and ones who might be a challenge in a spar. She'd grown up >getting into fights and was an excellent street fighter, Tsuneo: She'd become a cheap Shoto-clone scrub. >though had no special training whatsoever. Rebecca: She went to the "Flailing wildly" school of fighting. Andriana: Ah, she learn "chicken with head cut off" technique! Most powerful. >She spotted two mechanics, apparently just getting off- >duty as they were quite dirty, but they looked relatively harmless. Ignoring >them (she hates dirty men) Andriana: Ewww! Man cooties! >and scanning around, she spotted two pilots. A somewhat handsome man of about >6'2", with short brown hair, and an apparent good friend Rebecca: They're JUST GOOD FRIENDS, really, JUST GOOD FRIENDS! >of about 7'6". Glancing behind her she- > > Dan: I hear Seven and a half feet! Do I hear Seven foot seven? Tsuneo: Seven foot seven! Dan: I hear seven foot seven! Any advance on that? >Quickly glancing back, she confirmed what she thought was probably just her >mind playing tricks on her. Andriana: Oftentimes it just rings the doorbell then runs away. Man, she hates that. >One of the pilots was indeed around 7'6". Rebecca: Then he couldn't be a pilot; at 7'6" he'd be too big to fit into the Cockpit. >What was even stranger was that when >she first saw him, she'd also missed the coat of orange tiger-striped fur all >over his body. He had pointed cat-like ears and looked exactly like a >human/tiger hybrid. Tsuneo: One would think that the Kilrathi Empire would better dress their spies. Dan: I'mnotagiantspacecat! >She found herself suppressing impure thoughts when she noticed that his flight >suit was a bit too small and she could see his finely developed muscles quite >clearly. Andriana: Ah ick, lady! It's a frigging giant cat! You do NOT get 'impure' thoughts over a feline species. Rebecca: Great. They've signed up a frigging furvert. >Then she realized he wasn't even WEARING a flight suit! Dan: Kilrathi Spy, Space Gigilo. >He had long hair, about down to his waist, cut chin-length on the right side of >his face leaving it hanging down and sort of "framing" the side of his face. >The longer part of his hair was all tied back into a long pigtail. How he got >past getting his head shaved, she would never guess. Andriana: Ever see a shaved cat? Not pretty. Rebecca: You know, UN Spacy should really think about enforcing that hairstyle regulation. >Nor would she guess why he was out of uniform and not getting any problems >about it. Tsuneo: Do you want to argue uniform regulations with the giant cat man? >"I see you've spotted Nova Cat." A voice behind her spoke. > >"Nova Cat?" Rebecca: Fire Mandril? Dan: Ghost Bear? Tsuneo: Jade Falcon? Dan: Steel Viper? Rebecca: Star Adder? Dan: Hells' Horses? Tsuneo: Mongoose? Rebecca: Absorbed clan! Pay up! Tsuneo: Damn. >"That's his call sign. That's 1st Lieutenant Xero Prime, best pilot on the >base. Andriana: At least, according to his arcade score he is. >Popacy, aside from Roy Focker. You're not the first person who's reacted like >that upon seeing him." Rebecca: Should have been here when the Vet was called in to spay him. Not a Pretty sight. [Dan and Tsuneo cross their legs] >Nikita quickly wiped the thin line of drool from her mouth, Andriana: [Shudders] Lady, you are NOT getting near my pets. >and turned to face the girl. She was just a bit taller than herself, with >short-cut red hair. Dan: And a special guest appearance by "Ultimate" Jean Grey. Rebecca: Naw, not trashy enough. >Nikita recognized her instantly. She'd never forget that face. > >"Rebecca?! YOU joined UN Spacy!?" > >This girl was Rebecca Keresnky, one of the most brilliant minds on the Valkyrie >development team. Rebecca: Nope, not me. But I am a genius. Dan: Yeah, sure you are. If you're so smart, why don't you have a better job? Rebecca: A high IQ has far less practical applications than you'd think. >And an old friend of Nikita. "Just last month. Tsuneo: [Rebecca] I'm still in basic training and really shouldn't be here. >So you're the >new mechanic I've heard about? Finally turned your love of taking things apart >into fixing things?" > >"Hey, at least I usually get to take them apart before I fix them!" Dan: Otherwise, that's what siblings are there for. Rebecca: Another childhood trauma? Dan: She bent my Wookie! >"Nevermind. I guess you haven't changed at all. Well, follow me and I'll >introduce you to the Valkyries." Andriana: She's going to introduce her to Norse Warrior Women? Rebecca: The fighters in Macross are called Valkyries, but it's an amusing image. >"Lead the way!" Tsuneo: Onwards to certain doom! >Two old friends meeting again after several years then walked off to do their >jobs. [Andriana begins to hum the Laverne and Shirley Theme] >Nikita's staring had not gone unnoticed by Xero, and he watched Rebecca lead >her off the hangar the Valkyrie prototypes were in, wondering what business the >new girl had with them. Rebecca: Maybe she's just going to mark her territory. Tsuneo: Don't go there. Rebecca: Why not? Xero did. [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion] >But she >doesn't look like she can handle it... She doesn't even seem like a test >pilot...> Andriana: [Xero] God I hope she can tell me where the Kitty Litter tray is. >Xero knew she was new to the base 'cause he'd never picked up her scent >anywhere before now. Dan: Did he try the duty-free shop? >Then he noticed his friend Akira staring at Rebecca. "You know, you're NEVER >going to get anywhere from clear over here. If you like her, you need to make a >move!" Andriana: And using her couch as a scratching post is not the move you need to make. >"What are you talkin' about? First off, she's too young, Rebecca: It's *Macross*! Everyone's too young! >secondly I'm not interested in her the way you think!" Tsuneo: He's only after her as a guinea pig for his experiments in creating a Master race of human-animal hybrids that he'll use for world domination. Andriana: That makes it all good then. >"I'll believe that when cats fly." > >Akira gave him a strange look. [They all laugh weakly] >Xero looked down at his current form. Dan: Current form? What did he do, get it at the duty free shop? >"Oh, yeah. Heh, heh... Make that the day Roy Focker gets shot down." Rebecca: Uh, Xero, there's a Miriya Falina on the line for you... >"Never mind. Let's go get a drink at the bar." Andriana: It's WAY more fun to pilot piss drunk anyhow. >"You still owe me a drink from back when we were stationed in Japan, y'know." Dan [Akira]: Look, how was I to know that she was actually a guy? Rebecca [Xero]: Wasn't the beard a giveaway? >"...Nevermind. We'll go later." > >"You never change, do you Akira?" Tsuneo: Nope, he still goes and wrecks Tokyo every other weekend. >"Why would I?" Dan: Because you've been wearing the same clothes for weeks and they're beginning to stink! >Meanwhile, in the hangar, Nikita was nearly drooling at the sight of the new >planes. "Sweeeeet...." Andriana: First cat men and now planes. They're gonna need a janitor to follow her around just to keep people from slipping on the mess she leaves. >"These are the VF-1X Units 2 and 3." > >"2 and 3? Where's Unit 1?" Tsuneo: Off fighting the 14th Angel to the death. >Rebecca pointed a small area in the corner of the hangar, where a very battered >VF-1X was under repair. Rebecca: Don't leave your Valkyrie in your shirt pocket when you wash it. >"GAH! What happened?!" Nikita was horrified to see an aircraft in that shape. Andriana: Okay, so the seat is too far back in the cockpit, but it's not THAT hard to fix. >Both wings were mangled beyond recognition, the canopy was shattered, the front >landing gear snapped in half, the nosecone almost twisted around and there were >other dents and dings to the main body either too horrible to describe or not >worth describing. Tsuneo: I had no idea Fraiser had joined the UN Space Force. >"Another mishap with a test. Dan: The pilot left the stupid thing in reverse. >Before Akira and Xero, the two pilots you were >staring at, came along, we'd had more test pilots than I care to count. Most of >them quit. But..." Andriana: ... a few she's standing on. Ah ick. >"But what?" Dan: ...but enough of that! How about them, uh, Cubs? >"Four of them used up their health insurance, and two of them received a >considerable promotion. The commendations they were buried with are guaranteed >to last a lifetime."(congratulations to whatever reader can pick out what >Macross production that was borrowed from) Rebecca: Macross plus, episode one. Tsuneo: Plagiarism. It's an art. >"So this one has no pilot?" Tsuneo: It does, it's just that he's hiding right now. Dan: You can't make me go in that thing! I'll die! Rebecca: Nonsesne. Just because the last six pilots died horrible flaming deaths doesn't mean it's going to happen to you too! >"Not yet. We're trying to get Lieutenant Commander Roy Focker here to handle >it, but nothing's set in stone yet... Focker tested the original VF-X >Prototype, though, so I think he'd be happy to come help. Rebecca: Or, he could just mock you from a distance while doing something safer, like live combat. >Anyway, I believe >your first assignment is to help repair Unit 1. Better get to work." Andriana: Here's a roll of duct tape, some spit, glue, and hope. Good luck! >Nikita was MORE than happy to do so. In fact, she was at the plane ready to >work before Rebecca had even finished speaking. > >A few hours later, in the mess hall, Akira and Xero, now in his shorter human >form Andriana: Wait, wait... so this Macross thing has werewolves who change into giant cat people instead of wolf men...? Rebecca: Actually, it doesn't even have werewolves... Andriana: Then what the heck is that doing there? [Points at TV] Tsuneo: Being an anachronism. It happens all the time. >(and in a proper UN Spacy uniform, I might add), were sitting at a table eating >and discussing the test flights for the VF-1Xs. Tsuneo: So if he does have a human mode, why was he wandering around in stark- naked-orange-fuzzy mode before? Dan: [Xero] Clothes are stupid! >"So we're going up again first thing tomorrow?" asked Xero. Rebecca: Just as soon as they clean up the last pilot's puking spree. >"Yep," Replied Akira, "They finally have a definite schedule set for the next >two weeks. After that they need to adjust to allow for Unit 1's joining in. I >think the time frame they gave for fixing it is a little unrealistic." Andriana: But five years is perfectly normal for union work. >"After what Bill did to that thing?! Hell yeah that's unrealistic! Two weeks to >fix all the damage!" Rebecca: You could do a rush job, but that's a minus two penalty to your skill roll. Dan: Besides, they don't pay you by the hour. >"Well, it's not our fault the higher-ups are a bunch of idiots." > >A new voice chimed in, "Watch your mouth, Akira. If the Colonel heard you, >you'd be in BIG trouble!" Rebecca: Fifty lashes with a wet noodle! Away with you! >Both Xero and Akira lookoed up. Akira nearly jumped to the ceiling. "H-hi, >Rebecca...." Andriana: Strange, Akira there acts kinda like someone I know... [Looks at Dan] >Rebecca and Nikita were standing there, Rebecca looked quite irritated about >Akira's comments, and Nikita looking quite irritated at their belief that the >repairs can't be done in two weeks(especially now that SHE was on the job). Andriana: Now watch as Nikita breaks out into Mad l33t Mechanic-fu. Most Honourable. >Xero decided to break the silent tension, "Please feel free to have a seat, >ladies." > >And so they did. Rebecca sat across from Akira and Nikita sat opposite of Xero. Rebecca: INTENSE SEATING ACTION! >"You're new here, right? A new mechanic, correct?" Xero inquired > >"Yes." Nikita replied, matter-of-factly, "How'd you know?" > >Akira chose then to regain the ability to make coherent conversation. "Well, >the smell of oil around you is clear sign of you being a mechanic, Dan: Or of her having a leaky car your choice. >[you need to >wash up better, girl.] and I'll bet Xero knows you're new just because he never >picked up your scent around the base before." > >"My...scent?" Andriana: [sniff sniff] Yeah, whew! Man you reek. >"You were staring at me earlier. You should know what that means." Rebecca: You're a lousy stinking furvert! Lock up your housepets! >Nikita hadn't realized before that statement that this was the same man she'd >seen earlier. Earlier she'd seen a strong 7-foot half-human, half- tiger of >some sort, and now she was looking at a 6 foot person with tiger- striped hair >sitting at the table here. Only now did she realize that Xero must be able to >switch a human form. Her thoughts soon drifted back to how strong he looked in >his other form. > >"Question... How strong are you?" Tsuneo: Not strong enough to carry this conversation. *yawn* >"When I was underneath Unit 1's nosecone and the front landing gear snapped, I >had no trouble catching it and setting it down gently. Though I did >accidentally twist the nosecone a bit..." Rebecca: Either he's lying to impress her or this is one of the stupidest acts of an SI boasting how powerful they are I've ever seen. Dan: But is he a billion times more powerful then her? Tsuneo: Old-school ref. Five points. >Nikita's eyes nearly popped out of >her head. "That was while I was in my hybrid form, of course." > >"It's true." Rebecca stated. "Both me and Akira were there when it happened." Tsuneo: I read it on the Internet so it must be true! Dan: Sure. And I suppose I should have seen the one that got away? >"You wish to have a little spar, I take it?" Andriana: With someone who handles hunks of fighter planes like toys, she'd better not be. >"Wha?? How'd you know??" > >"The tone of voice when you asked me that was one of a fighter who is curious >about the skill of a potential opponent. You also carry yourself like a street >fighter. A very skilled street fighter, I might add. Rebecca [Nikita]: Actually, I need to go and didn't want to sound like it. And I'm a wuss who hates fighting. That's why I'm a mechanic. Dan [Xero]: Oh. So I... got it all wrong. Rebecca [Nikita]: Yep. Dan [Xero]: I am filled with shame. >But you're no match for me in my hybrid form." Andriana: Hey, Nikita, a little tip. Cats HATE water. >"Very true." Said Akira, "He knows several forms of martial arts, Tsuneo: "Boot to the head" is not a martial art. >and as you've just been told, he can lift a Valkyrie with ease." Rebecca: He can also [Rolls dice] regenerate wounds at an incredible rate, [rolls dice] build anything out of anything and [rolls dice] and has a prehensile tail that he uses to hang from trees while foraging for leaves and bugs in his native Madagascar. Tsuneo: I think that thing still needs to be debugged. >"That sounds interesting... I'll see you in the gym in three hours." > >"I have stuff to take care of in town around then. Andriana: A new brand of chew toy is being released and he simply HAS to have it. >Four hours?" > >"Fine." Tsuneo: Your funeral. >Akira leaned over to Rebecca, [This will prove to be interesting...] Dan: Please warn us before you break out the telepathy, guys. Tsuneo: A guide at the start might have helped. >[You're right. I'm not gonna miss this!] [Blinking, Andriana fidgets a little before pulling a video camera out of the couch cushions.] Andriana: Exactly how long have you had these couches? Tsuneo [Shrugs]: They're surprisingly resilient. >Three hours later, at a house in town a few miles from the base, a knock was >heard. Rebecca: Lightning flashed, a gun went off, and a pirate ship was seen on the horizon... >"That you, Xero?" Tsuneo [Xero]: No! It's another, completely different seven-foot-six ripped furry cat man! >"Of course it is. Open the damn door, Joe." > >This house belongs to Joseph Prime, older (adoptive) brother of Xero. Andriana: And he has the chance to choose from one of these three beautiful, single women! Who will it be? >"What's up, Joe?" > >Joe looked up. "Thataway." All: ... Rebecca: I don't know what'd be worse; if that was the comedy or if Joe's a moron. >Xero glared, "Okay, lemme rephrase that, how're things with you?" > >"Same old, same old. Just got pulled out of the CIA's infiltration of the Anti- >Earth United Government forces." Tsuneo: You know, the point of a secret operation is that you *don't talk about it.* Rebecca: Nope. Joe's a moron all right. >"I have a feeling that's what you wanna talk about, so let's get right to the >point." Andriana: Several police officers, the army, and an expert SWAT team have this place surrounded. Tsuneo: ... Andriana: Would you believe one really surly Night Guard with a flashlight? Tsuneo: ... Andriana: Would you believe a boy scout with rabies? >"After I gave my report to the higher-ups, they told me to report it to the >test base. The AEUG believes I left to visit family so I can't risk being seen >going into a UN Spacy base. Dan: We're launching a massive attack on the UN's forces tonight. Death to the imperialist capitalist pig dogs! Tsuneo [Joe]: I'm sorry, my mum's cooking a roast tonight. Can I make it tomorrow instead? >So I was ordered to have someone I can trust >deliver the information." Rebecca: Which is why he gave it to Douggie the pizza boy. >"And I'm that person, right?" > >"Bingo." Rebecca: Don't the CIA have people for this? Dan: Staff cutbacks. Confidential messengers are too expensive. From here on in, all classified information is to be passed by word of mouth. >"So what's so important that the test flight center has to be notified >directly?" Andriana: That there's a cyborg coming with a BOMB in its RIBCAGE! >"The AEUG has heard about the Valkyrie prototypes. We believe there may be a >leak over there. They also might be planning an attack." Dan: And they've got Char Anzable on their side! Woo-hoo! >"I gotcha. I'll report this to the Colonel right when I get back." Rebecca [Xero]: I'll pass this message to the colonel as soon as possible! But first... I must play with this ball of wool! >"Good. So how're things down there?" Andriana: Sure there's vital information on a possible enemy attack, but he's still got time to chitchat. >"Unit 1's pretty beat up, but Units 2 and 3 are still goin' strong." Tsuneo: Asuka's been laughing herself silly ever since Shinji tripped his EVA's feet over one another. >"I'd expect that. You and Akira are the best in UN Spacy. Aside from Focker." Andriana: Forked her? He damned near well spooned her! >"Does EVERYONE have to say that?!" > >"As long as Focker's around, yes." Rebecca [Xero]: Plan one, kill Roy... >Xero just growled in response. > >A short while later, back at the base... Rebecca: The Joes were repelling yet another badly planned and badly executed Cobra attack. Dan: You know, jumping out of a badly made birthday cake was Cobra Commander's dumbest idea yet. >"Nikita, this is nuts! There's no way you can beat Xero in his hybrid form!" Andriana: Bah! Start scratching him behind the ears and he's putty in your hands. >"I won't know until I try. My feelings as a fighter compel me to do this, even >if I have no chance. I learn from my losses." Tsuneo: Sure you'll be recovering from your loss in a full body cast... Rebecca: Nikita here is Darwin Award winner material. >"Have you EVER lost a fight?" > >"Well.......No." Rebecca [Nikita]: Technically speaking, that is. >"Then you better be ready to learn. BIG TIME!" Andriana: [Dick Cheney] BIG TIME! [Falls over in a faked heart attack] >"So what's Xero's story, anyway? Do you know?" Rebecca: Can I test a new table? Tsuneo: Oh, all right. Rebecca: Cool! Let's see, he was born in [Rolls dice] Ulan Bataar, Mongolia. His [Rolls dice] mother died when he was young [Rolls dice] in a tragic accident with a fruit salad, while his father [rolls dice] went out to get some milk and was never seen again. Shortly afterwards he [Rolls dice] became a world champion [rolls dice] synchronised swimmer [rolls dice] and discovered a new planet. He joined UN Spacy [rolls dice] because he had nothing better to do. Tsuneo: What is it with random tables? Rebecca: I find they make the fic easier to understand. >"Yeah. Me, him, and Akira are good friends. We're some of the few who know the >gory details." > >"So...?" > >"Well, about a year ago he and Akira were stationed at a UN Spacy base in >Hokkaido. Rebecca: Next thing you know, Godzilla comes stomping out of the ocean, hankering for a Tokyo chow-down. >They were on a routine patrol when they intercepted an AEUG bombing >run against their base. They were the only two up, but they managed to shoot >down five fighters and two bombers before reinforcements arrived. Xero had >taken a slight hit earlier, but a mechanical glitch caught up to him shortly >after the reinforcements arrived. The AEUG force had been retreating and he >went down over a Chinese wilderness." Tsuneo: Because, as everyone knows, China is almost all wilderness. Rebecca: They must have been pretty off-course. >"...And while forced to fend for myself in the wild," Xero spoke from behind >Nikita, "I brought out a part of myself I never knew existed. Dan [Xero]: I'm gay. >I am a weretiger. Tsuneo: That still doesn't explain your stupid name. Rebecca: That's simple. Mum and dad couldn't think of one, so they pulled Letters out of a Scrabble bag. >Sure as hell came in handy when I encountered AEUG troops." Andriana: His ability to lie about and look cute was too overwhelming for enemy forces. They just HAD to pet him. >"Hi, Xero." Rebecca said, "Finished up in town?" > >"Yeah. Shall we get to sparring?" > >"Hell yeah!" Andriana: Okay, the rules are simple; No hitting below the belt, no teasing the other about their figure, if a ball of yarn rolls onto the fighting field, fighting will cease until Xero has finished playing with it. Ready? GO! >It didn't even last five minutes. Xero had taken down Nikita in just three >offensive moves. Rebecca: Spear, Jackhammer, Splat. Dan: F**k you, WCW(R). >It had started out simple, Nikita attacked, and Xero dodged it >all. When Nikita aimed a punch at Xero's face, he reached up and grabbed her >fist, then twisted her arm. (move #1) He then kicked her legs out from under >her, taking her down to the floor. (move #2) And lastly, on the way down, he >made a smack to a pressure point on her neck, immobilizing everything from the >shoulders down. (move #3) Andriana: Think it was wise of him to paralyse their best mechanic like that? >"Okay... I give up." Nikita managed to say through the pain in her back. Dan: She's talking through her back? Rebecca: Talking out her backside, maybe. >"I don't think you had much choice." Replied Xero > >"I warned you..." > >"That was too short to be interesting..." Akira said. "My fights always last >longer than that." Tsuneo: But most people don't consider it fighting when you run away shouting, "Not in the face! Not in the face!" >"Well, YOU'VE been sparring with me for a lot longer." > >"HEY! Could you undo that pressure point, please? I need to go back to work on >Unit 1." Dan: She needs to use the power of Fixes on them! Rebecca: Obscurity is good for you! [Ding] >Xero did so. "I gotta get back to my room and get some sleep. We got those >tests tomorrow." > >"According to the schedule me and Dr. Tachikoff set up, the live-fire testing >of the GU-11 is tomorrow." Rebecca reminded them. Andriana: Just remember, Rob Schneider is flying it first. >"Yeah, we know." Replied Akira. "See you tomorrow." > >Nikita looked between Akira and Rebecca. Several times. Then leaned over to >Xero. [Is it just me, or does Akira have a thing for Rebecca?] Tsuneo: Just a collection of photos, a few clippings of her hair, an internet shrine and some underwear he stole form her room while he was hiding in her cupboard. >[He has a thing for Rebecca. Even though he refuses to admit it.] > >[Maybe we should set them up?] Rebecca: We're straying into romantic comedy country here! Prepare for zany comedy hijinks! >[No way. I'm trying to get Akira to make a move voluntarily. I'd rather not get >him suspecting me of using sneaky, underhanded tactics to set them up.] Andriana: But it works so WELL in sitcoms! >The next day... > >The sun was barely rising over the base when it came time to wake up. Flight >crews were already preparing Units 2 and 3 for the test flight. Andriana: Decals? Check. AA Batteries installed in the remote? Check. Little plastic figures placed in the cockpit? Check. >Xero (in his hybrid form) and Akira showed up on time for launch, as usual. Rebecca: Why does he fly the plane in his furry form? Not only is he too big to fit in the cockpit, his size would make him more vulnerable to black-outs. Dan: But his fur matches the seat covers! >"Well, we finally get to shoot the guns." > >"Is that the only thing you think about, Akira? Firing the guns?" Andriana: FIRE FIRE! BANG BANG BANG- uh, I mean, no no... of course not. >"It depends on the reason..." > >"You know, every time I hear you say that-" > >"You become even happier that the military doesn't produce silver bullets." Rebecca: They would, but the budget won't stretch that far. Tsuneo: Will you settle for silver-plated ones instead? >"You got it." > >They climbed into their planes, Akira in Unit 2, and Xero in Unit 3. > >And off they go. Nikita stayed as close the test area to watch as she could. Andriana: Yowl, got a little too close to the engines. Hope her hair grows back soon. >"{Okay, you guys.}" Rebecca said over the comm., "{There will be several air >and ground targets in random locations throughout the testing zone. Our >intentions are to test the transformation systems and the GU-11. Use whatever >mode of operation you feel appropriate at any given time.}" > >"Unit 2, roger." > >"Unit 3, understood. Can I have some fun in this exercise?" Rebecca: You mean fly by the tower at supersonic speeds and busting everyone's eardrums? No. >"{.....We'll see.... Almost ready to begin the test.}" > >"Unit 3, gunpod online." > >"Unit 2, gunpod online. Ready to blow shit up!" Tsuneo: ...These people are idiots. >Back at the base, Rebecca just groaned. guns?!> Rebecca: Nuh-uh. Akira spends a lot of time handling his gun. It often goes off in his hands. [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion while Andriana giggles.] > "Begin the test!" > >"{Roger!}" > >The targets were outdated tanks with no drivers, Andriana: Oh, those aren't tanks; they're just really mean painted Volvos. >in fixed positions, and specialized target drones in the air. Targets started >going down rather quickly, falling to the fancy flying of the skilled test >pilots. Midway through the test... > >"Unit 3 to base, gunpod has jammed." Dan: What kind? Andriana: Raspberry! Only one would dare give me the raspberry. *Deep breathing* LONESTAR. >"{Return to base for examination.}" Rebecca: Better call a proctologist for that. Tsuneo: Not that kind of examination [He hits her with a cushion] >"Oh, well." > >The test was cut short completely as Akira's gunpod jammed as well. On the >ground they were met by Rebecca. > >"Hey, guys. We've got some good news today. Unit 1's new test pilot has been >secured." > >"And?" Akira inquired Andriana: Well, the bad news is that he secured himself to the ground screaming and crying like a little baby. >"I hope you're ready to fly alongside Roy Focker. He'll be testing it." > >"Roy....Focker?" Xero inquired. "Are you kidding?" Dan: No, if she was kidding, she'd say "A Rabbi, a Donkey and Dr Kervorkian Get into a lift..." Tsuneo: That's enough of that one. >"No." > >"Good! I'll finally be able to see who's the best pilot!" > >Rebecca sweatdropped. "I get the feeling things are going to get much more >interesting in a couple weeks..." > >Akira simply nodded in response. > >Later on, in Colonel Miller's office... Andriana: MAVERICK! >"Sir! First Lieutenant Xero Prime reporting!" > >"At ease." Tsuneo: Why did he drop his pants? Andriana: I guess he got "At Ease" and "Make yourself at home" mixed up. >Xero, in his human form and in proper uniform, relaxed from his position at >attention. > >"I'm sorry I could not see you sooner. You say you have information for me from >the CIA?" Andriana: Yeah, three hundred years in the future and they finally figured out who really shot JFK. >"Yes, sir. My brother recently finished an assignment infiltrating to AEUG >forces and brought back information on their plans. The AEUG has heard of the >VF-1X Units, and the CIA suspects there is a leak on the base. It's also >possible the AEUG may be planning an attack against the base." > >"We've always had a feeling there was a leak. We've been worried ever since >rumors of the Destroids began circulating among the general public." Andriana: Destroids? I didn't know this was a Transformer fanfic as well. Rebecca: That's *Destrons*. Dan: So is it the guy with the metal head who sold weapons to Cobra? Rebecca: That's *Destro*. Tsuneo: So is it a ruler who maintains his position through force and suppressing all opposition? Rebecca: No, that's a *despot*. Dan: So is it a device for keeping food cold that won't ice up? Rebecca: No, that's a frost-free fridge [There is a faint ding] but it's a good way to bring up an inexplicable running gag. >Miller sighed, "We'll just have to deal with things as they come. How are you >finding the VF-1X units?" Andriana: Usually, under the couch cushions. >"They're far more capable than the F-22s I was forced to fly in Hokkaido. Rebecca: Aww little baby diddums has to fly one of the best fighters in the world. Deal. >But >the gunpod's jamming io be a problem the way things are going." > >"I see. That will be all. Dismissed." > >Xero saluted, and then promptly left. Once outside, the room, he removed his >uniform Tsuneo: Xero, this is neither the time nor the place. Dan: He might want to do that somewhere other than the hall. >(so as not to destroy it) revealing his stretchable clothing, designed >for switching forms, underneath. He immediately shifted into hybrid, and >waited... Andriana: The Xero is a patient predator; often waiting hours while hunting it's prey. >Inside Miller's office, the "good" Colonel reached into his desk and picked up >the phone connected to his private line, and dialed a number. Andriana: I wonder if I can still get tickets to Episode 2... >"This is Miller. The CIA is suspecting a leak... No, they have no solid >evidence of the attack plan, but they're suspecting that as well... I'll keep >you informed... The way things are going, it'll be few years before the >Valkyries have been perfected... Don't worry. I'll do what I can to prevent >this knowledge from getting out." And he hung up. Rebecca: Well, it's a good thing they didn't keep us in the dark as to who the leak was. I think that the suspense would have killed me. >Outside the office, Xero's enhanced hearing had picked up everything. Dan: Including the pencil he accidentally dropped. >Colonel is the leak... Let's see... How can we deal with this...> Tsuneo: The sensible thing to do would be to report it to the proper authorities, but I guess common sense is way over rated. >Xero considered possible options for all of two seconds before deciding >on...the most FUN way to handle it. Andriana: By putting a bucket of water on his door? Come on, Xero, you can do better then that. > and with that thought, >Xero left. He had to help work on Unit 3... > >Xero didn't notice Rebecca arriving at the Colonel's office. [A loud "DUN DUN DUN DUN!!!" suddenly plays.] >Meanwhile in the hangar... > >"I talked to Colonel Miller today." Rebecca said, "It was weird. He'd just >finished on the phone and he looked nervous, like he was worried I'd overheard >something." > >"You think he's hiding something?" Nikita asked. > >"Possibly. UN Spacy isn't supposed to keep information secret from me..." Rebecca: Except for the alien skeletons, the Ark of the Covenant, the Godzilla cells, the shrink ray and the Elixir of Youth. >Akira, working on some things in Unit 2's cockpit, overheard the conversation. > Andriana: [Bad Accent] A big commie rat... >He then spotted Xero entering the hangar, Dan: Uh, he's a were *cat*. >"Hey, guys!" Nikita, Rebecca, and Akira turned to him, "Meet me in the mess >hall when you're done. I have something important to talk to you about." WILL regret this, Miller... And we're going to have fun making it happen!> Andriana: On today's episode of Macross, Xero discovers the Colonel's a traitor to the UN Space Force and gets his friends to help him! Wackiness ensues! >Later, in the mess hall, Xero, Rebecca, Nikita and Akira sat in their usual >spot. Dan: Right next to the dessert table. Rebecca: Dan, I swear I'm never taking you to another all you can eat buffet. Dan: But it was *all* I could eat, and I wasn't done eating yet! >No one ever bothered them, and Xero would know if someone was nearby, so >they had nothing to worry about on being overheard. Andriana: Aside from the couple hundred hidden mikes and video cameras. >"I listened in on Colonel Miller's phone conversation. Sounds like he.." Dan [Xero]: ...called collect! [They all gasp] >Xero >paused as a person walked within hearing range for a few seconds, then >continued when the individual left, "..might be a spy from the AEUG." > >"Then we gotta report him." Akira said, "We can't have a spy around on the >base!" > >"Not enough evidence, Akira." Rebecca stated. "The most we could get from >claims of what Xero heard, is a-" Rebecca: Well, you could report him so UN intelligence launches a counter- intelligence operation to find his contacts, ferret them out and expose a network of spies inside the UN Spacy. Tsuneo: Well they *could*, but that way they don't get to egg his car. >"Hold." Xero spoke, waiting for another person to exit the area where they >might be overheard. "Okay, continue." Rebecca [British]: I have a theory and it is mine and belongs to me. Ahem! Ahem! My theory is that the Brontosaurus is thin at one end, round in the middle and Thin at the other. It is my theory and it belongs to me. The end. >"The best we can hope for based on what we have is getting his office bugged. >And even then we might not have enough evidence to even get that. A lot of the >UN Spacy higher-ups aren't sure it was a good idea to let Xero continue service >after his condition came out. They might not trust him." Andriana: They were especially put off when, during debriefing, he started to clean himself with his tongue. >"I've taken this into account. During tomorrow's test-" They waited for ANOTHER >person to complete his pass. "me and Akira will do something to get us sent to >Miller's office. We'll hold the info we have over his head." > >"What good'll that do?" Nikita questioned. Andriana: We can hold him ransom for al the beer and pretzels we want! Mwahahaaha! >"A lot. He'll either confess or become so nervous he'll screw up big-time. >Either way, we win." > >Nobody spoke as it seemed the entire mess hall had decided to get up and pass >within overhearing range. It was a good five minutes before they could again >speak on the matter. In the end, they all agreed on Xero's plan. be FUN!> Xero thought. Andriana: And here I thought fun was a night out on the town and hitting a couple of dance clubs. >Akira's was thinking more along the lines of, Dan [Akira]: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? > Andriana: I see they let Beavis enlist. >Soon their plans were laid... > >End chapter 1. Andriana: Will our allies succeed? Will their plan be successful in exposing the evil, extensive Colonel Miller? Find out NEXT time! Same Macross Time, Same Macross Channel! >Author notes: I promised rewrites of my other fics, and I only have one rewrite >done. This fic will be put on hold until chapter 1 of the Kagome's Heritage >rewrite has been completed and posted. I will NOT be posting any more chapters >of this, nor Ranma Gundam before them. Tsuneo: Ranma... Gundam? Rebecca: Don't think about it. Tsuneo: Not thinking... >On another note, the current title of this fanfic will more than likely be >changed before it's done. I'm not satisfied with the current title, so it's >only temporary. I'm open to suggestions. [Andriana casually flings a bolt of force at the tv.. it swings wide and blows out a chunk of the wall.] Andriana: I really hope that isn't coming out of my check... Rebecca: Naw, we break stuff all the time. Andriana: Ah, good... [Andriana takes a deep breath, aims slowly, and fires off another shot, this one blasting through the TV and out through the wall, enlarging the hole.] Voice: Umm... Tsuneo: Well, I guess that's better then the last PK we had here. Rebecca: But the hole in the wall's a nice touch. Andriana: Thanks... I think. Voice: So can I have your reviews? Andriana: We gotta do a review now? I thought we already did... Dan: Um... Just why the heck is this guy a were tiger? I mean, I can see why the author wrote his as that, so he could do all this way kewl stuff and totally pants everyone else, but there's no rationale behind it. I mean, he just *is* a completely mythical beast who everyone lets wander around the base, and everyone's *okay* with it! It's stupid beyond description. Tsuneo: I'm wondering about the setting myself. The presence of all these new characters at such an early and vital stage in Macross continuity is going to have a huge impact on the story as a whole, especially since they're all so amazingly wonderful at everything. I mean, if this Xero is such an excellent pilot, why wasn't he in Roy's squadron, or even on the SDF-1? It's exactly the same kinda worries I had about Enterprise. Rebecca: The characters themselves are very shallow and not very well defined. Xero's probably got the most depth to him simply for having his exotic background and silly cat-man abilities. Beyond that, most of them are little more than a one line description like "Akira likes guns". Andriana: Okay... well, seeing as I have absolutely NO idea about any of this Macross stuff, I can't really comment on stuff like continuity, or characters, or anything... but well, the whole thing felt like a family sitcom. We have these pretty shallow guys going around and doing stuff, and some kinda were- tiger guy whom plans on exposing the evil Colonel through some wacky hijinks. And it had about as much appeal to me as an episode of Full House does. And... um, yeah, that's about it. So do I get paid now? Voice: I'll, uh deposit it into your account later. Dan [Puts an arm around Andriana]: Now if you want to get good at this job, I'm sure I can help. Care to come back to my place and study the material? [Andriana glares at him and casually lifts Dan up into the air, spinning him around and around as small bits of paper float up into the air and the table begins to shake. Dan finally stops spinning, only to go flying straight into the closet door with a loud crash.] Andriana: Yeesh... I thought I'd be rid of guy like that when I got out of High School. Rebecca: Sorry, but Dan's universal. Tsuneo: Well, I must say that I was impressed with your performance on the first run. Rebecca: Let's retire to the meeting room and evaluate her performance. Andriana: So am I hired, Becky? Rebecca: ...Only if you don't call me that. Dan: [Returning to couch] Only I get to call her "Becky" [Rebecca hits him] Andriana: Right on! Come on; let me take you to the Anipike... if we hurry, we can still catch today's Lunch special. Tsuneo: Just as long as its not the taco salad. Andriana: Nah, today it's hot wings, done Cajun style. Rebecca: I could go for some fried furball around now. Anyway, we'll have to review your application, of course. Dan: And get drunk. Rebecca: And get drunk before we make a decision, but you do look good. Dan: Very good. [She hits him] Andriana: Is he always this much of a twit? Rebecca: Usually. Tsuneo: Yep. Andraina: So the hitting doesn't help? Rebecca: No, but it feels good. Andriana: Cool. Rebecca: I like her. Tsuneo: She could be the one for the job. Andraina: Thanks, guys. Tsuneo: We'd have to review and compare you to the other candidates thus far, but I can say that you are looking good. Rebecca: Let's go, I'm starving. [They leave except for Dan] Dan: Why me? Why always me? Voice: I was about to say the same thing. [The screen goes blank] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riffed by: Jamie Jeans jolt.caffeine@shaw.ca, Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) & Zogster (jinas@elmerstudios.com) Andriana Greenslade is copyright 200X-2002 Jamie Jeans Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1995-2002 Max Fauth (Zogster) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-2002 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. Rick's Cruel Mockery of HTML: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova Satori shrine, Osama Bin Laden's Camel, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp, all in one big steaming pile. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >"What's up, Joe?" > >Joe looked up. "Thataway."