Elmer Studios, in assocation with Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings Presents! Neon Exodus Evangelion, Episode 1:1 MSTed by Tim McLees, Max & Alex Fauth, and Jamie Jeans Author's Notes: Get ready, folks! The star of this show qould possibly be the Marissa Picard of anime fan-fiction. --Shinji I see what you mean by him being the Marissa of Anime. He is just SO much of an arrogant little snot, it's not funny. Heh! Man.... I can imagine the opening sequence to this one. Like the regular EVA opening sequence, but with (of course) DJ replacing Shinji. And the breifly flashed-up words have been replaced by "Worchester-3", "Self-Insertion" and "Plot Contrivance Field" (Approx a billion times more powerful than an AT Feild) --The Brothers Fauth It's a rather quiet night at Club Anipike. Two new visitors are here tonight Tsueno and Rebecca had arrived a half hour ago. Much to her suprise, Rebecca met Mohan, cooly relaxing in a corner booth. Tsueno, on the other hand, was having great difficulty accepting how some of his favorite characters behave on their off time. He approached the bar, puzzled, and was asking the female vigilante he met earlier about some of his encounters... Tsueno:Ummm, Samantha, I just ran into Rei Ayamani... Samantha: Yes? Tsueno:She was completely sloshed and made a pass at me. Samantha (sighs): You do need to excuse her. She can be quite a party animal. Tsueno (uneasy): Huh, yeah...(Notices Rebecca) Ah, I see she's met an old friend. I'll be right back. (He wanders over to them to greet them) Rebecca:Getting used to this place, Tsueno? Oh, check out who I ran into. This is Mohan; he helped Dan and I critique that fusion crossover Heart's Battleground a while back. Mohan (extends a hand):Greetings. Tsueno (shakes Mohan's hand): Likewise. Say, where is your better half, anyways? Mohan: Oh, Sandara? Well, she was going to continue adventuring in her D&D campaign after I left the storyline, but with a much less experienced group. So, to maintain game balance, the game master had me *accidentily* erase every thought in her head... Tsueno (agahst):Yikes! Rebecca (grinning):So she's off "negotiating" with her GM right now. (Samantha wanders over and introductions are made.) Samantha:Oh, Tsueno, Washu just told me about a new series that's going to be showing, starting today. It's apparently an alternite timeline to Evangelion. Tsueno (smirks): Oh, this ought to be good! Is anyone else in? Rebecca: I'm up to it. Mohan: So long as Soun Tendo's not in charge of NERV, I'll try it out, as well. (Tsueno shudders, remembering what Rebecca had told him of the Ranma/EVA fusion series, as the quartet entered the video room...) /* Genesis "Land of Confusion" _Invisible Touch_ */ Mohan (VeeJay): Coming up next on "It came from the 80's"... SAMANTHA: Genesis? Yuck! I hate that band! > EYRIE PRODUCTIONS, UNLIMITED > presents > NEON EXODUS EVANGELION > EXODUS 1:1 - ENEMY UNKNOWN Rebecca: Oh I know the enemy all right... and he's the author of this story! Tsuneo: I presume from the title that he hasn't the faintest why it was called 'Neon Genesis' then. > Inspired by Tsuneo: Read: Trashed from. > NEON GENESIS EVANGELION created by Hideaki Anno, Gainax, > et al. Mohan: Inspired by a synopsis from a friend of an otaku who saw the final episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion and went "HUH!?!" Tsuneo:They are a bit cumbersome the first time around. > Most characters designed by Yoshiyuki Sadamoto > (except DJ, who looks like a young David Duchovny) Rebecca (Coughs out the word...):Foreshadowing. > Additional material and inspiration cadged from TOMB RAIDER by Core > Design, Ltd., X-COM: UFO DEFENSE and sequels from MPS Labs (whoever > owns them nowadays), and THE X-FILES created by Chris Carter SAMANTHA: [takes out a camera and snaps a picture] REBECCA: Why did you do that? SAMANTHA: [puts camera away and sits back down] I figure that we'll never see a crossover like that ever again. > Written by Benjamin D. Hutchins SAMANTHA: Ah-hah! tha name of my enemy! [Takes out katana and starts sharpening it] Mohan: Down girl. It can't be as bad as "Heart's Battleground" Tsuneo: Bets? [Takes out vibroblade and starts sharpening it] > Aided and abetted Rebecca: That's a criminal offense, you know. Mohan: This fic's probably criminal. > by the Eyrie Productions, Unlimited crew > and special-guest-for-life Phil Moyer Tsuneo: So Phil had his ankles broken in order to help with this fanfic? > (c) 1997 Eyrie Productions, Unlimited Rebecca: Yeah, we covered that part already. Tsuneo: Like anyone would want to steal it. > "Well," said DJ to himself as he stood at the guard rail and >looked down the hill on which the Worcester Airport was situated, >"this is a happening city, I can tell from here." Mohan: DJ then passed out, another victim of the dreaded run on sentence. > Sprawled out in the valley below, the city of Worcester lay >gray and squat in the afternoon sunlight, muted by an iron overcast >that DJ's arriving flight had descended through no more than half an >hour ago. There were no sounds of urban bustle coming up from the >gray network of streets, no cars moving, no trains running... only the >unnatural quiet of an abandoned city. Everyone had been evacuated to >shelters; DJ's flight had just barely squeaked by, Tsuneo: Personally, I wouldn't fly in a plane that squeaks. >and now everybody >in the airport had gone underground, too. SAMANTHA: All that to get away from DJ? He must be one bad Author Avatar. > Except DJ. He spent quite enough time underground while >exploring ancient ruins with his mother, a renowned >explorer-adventurer, and felt no need to do so while in the lap of >civilization. Mohan:Nice subtle character development there... Tsuneo:So Lara Croft's his mom? Samantha: Must have gone through hell as a baby. Rebecca: Like chipped teeth? Samantha: Or the risk of silicon poisoning?... Rebecca:Or getting smothered to death?... Mohan:That's plenty from you two! >So, when the passengers were hustled off the plane, >he'd used some of the skills that had been honed by and served him so >well on those countless adventures, and taken the first opportunity to >slip away. Tsuneo:DJ Croft *is*...Master Ninja! Mohan: Ahhh!!! *THUD* >Besides, he was supposed to be meeting someone. SAMANTHA: The assasin's bullet? Rebecca: Please? Tsuneo: What's the bets he could outrun it anyway? > He reached into the front pocket of his shirt and pulled out >the photo that had accompanied his acceptance letter. It was a >snapshot, Mohan: Photos... generally are. >and depicted a remarkably attractive woman somewhere in her >twenties, dark-haired and cheerful, grinning and waving next to a blue >car of a sort DJ couldn't determine from what little of it was >visible. Rebecca (deep breath):And...breathe! SAMANTHA: My god! Where did the author get his writing lessons from? Kefka, the Dark One? >And even so, he wasn't motorhead enough to be overly >distracted from the woman, comfortably clad in t-shirt and cutoff >jeans, by ruminations about what kind of car it was. Rebecca:So...DJ was in a t-shirt & cutoff jeans... Tsuneo: BAD PICTURE! Mohan: With...'ruminations' of what kind of car is in the picture? Back up a sec... SAMANTHA: Maybe the Warrior's influence is growing bigger than I thought. > Across the top of the photo, in a felt-tip scrawl, were the >words, "DEREK - I'LL PICK YOU UP AT THE AIRPORT," and a completely >unintelligible signature that might have started with a K, and on the >other hand, might not have. Tsuneo:You're the author, you tell us! >At the bottom, that same scrawl added, >"PS - LOOK AT THIS." SAMANTHA: Crappy fanfic? Naw, that joke's been done to death. Tsuneo: Hey! That's *my* schtick! > DJ wondered, not for the first time, if "look at these" Mohan: Hey, look at the hooters on that... car. Rebecca (Coyly): Gee, Mohan, you're not like this when Sandara's around... >might >not be a little more appropriate; then he pocketed the photo and >resumed surveying the city. From his vantage point, he could see no >particular reason for the state of emergency; just a sleepy little >podunk city, Samantha: Of course it's quiet, it's *evacuated*, monkey boy. >not unlike the one nearest the town he'd grown up in, >back in England. Mohan (pretensiously): Oh, everything's better in England! > If such a statement was indeed accurate. After all, he hadn't >spent all, or even most, of that time actually -in- England. >Moreover, at 14, Derek J. Croft had a lot of growing yet to do, and >he'd be the first to admit it. Tsuneo: Actually not, but this is the author's attempt at humility. >He was a bit short for his age, and >not heavily built, though he was wiry, stronger and faster than he >looked. SAMANTHA: Of course he is. Quite a few Author Avatars don't look as fast or as strong as they really are. Mohan:We have the technology. We can make him stronger, faster... >From the time he could walk, he had joined his mother in her >workouts as well as her adventures; Tsuneo: I'm having a hard time see Lara Croft bringing a kid into old places filled with death traps... Rebecca: Does that include her "workouts" at the plastic surgons? >he could crawl through spaces no >bigger than an air duct, lift his own admittedly-modest body weight, Mohan (macho): Yup! I'm buff, I'm the stuff! I'm Trent T. Codpiece! Samantha: What?! Mohan (shrugs): I don't know... >and run, at a moderate pace, more or less all day. > He was also more alert than his usual expression indicated; >the blue eyes he habitually kept half-hooded took in everything, Tsuneo: Ah, he's got Spidey senses. > and >behind the indifferent expression which was the default for his darkly >handsome face Tsuneo: Whoops, silly me, and there I thought he looked like Mulder. Samantha: You know, someone's gonna flame us for that. Tsuneo: Let 'em. > - the face his mother said looked so much like his father's Rebecca: Lara must have been thankful for that. >- worked the processes of a mind wiser and quicker than its >years. Samantha: Okay, we got stronger, faster, and now smarter... Yup! We've now got all the characteristics of an Author Avatar here! Mohan:If he declares himself "100% studly", I'm outta here. Rebecca: Damn straight! >Alertness was a good quality to have in the tomb-raiding >business, Tsuneo: There's no such profession as tomb-raiding, twit. Unless you count criminals... >for many reasons. DJ had learned to trust his instincts >when they identified a threat. > > They were identifying one right now. Mohan (DJ): Hmm, there's a baby's face up in that sun...(pauses, then yells) OH MY GOD! >He half-turned to see a >long black car slide up to the curb behind him; the front doors opened >and a pair of men in black suits and sunglasses got out. Rebecca: That's right, it's Tommy Lee Jones bringing some personality into this fic. Samantha: Heck, even Will Smith could do that. Tsuneo: Don't get carried away. >DJ was very familiar with this species of suit-wearer: Tsuneo: Well THAT says a lot about his criminal record. >Spookus americanus domesticus, the common G-man. Tsuneo: YES! Gatchaman! Joe and June will straighten this punk out! Rebecca:Don't get your hopes up. It could be a Gonter-man. >One with salt-and-pepper hair, he'd be the senior. All: Naw! >One with short-cropped ginger hair, the junior partner, >stuck with driving the car. Even from here he could see their little >earplug radios. SAMANTHA: Oh, enhanced senses. Forgot that Author Avatars have those as well... >Beautiful animal, the G-man, though DJ to himself. >Lovely plumage. Mohan (Sean Connery, casually): Shocking. Rebecca: [John Cleese] The plumage don't enter into it. It's bleeding demised. > "Derek Croft?" Ginger-hair asked. > "DJ," DJ automatically corrected him. > "Come with us, please." > "Sorry, I'm meeting someone," DJ replied offhandedly, Tsuneo: Ever consider they might be taking you to her? >showing >nothing but indifference for their intimidating dress and air of >authority. SAMANTHA: [sniffs the air] Smells more like BS to me... > "Mr. Croft," said Salt-and-Pepper. Rebecca: The Rap group? >Extra suckup points for that, thought DJ, Mohan (DJ): I like you, Agent Salt-&-Peppa, so I'll kill you last. > as the agent continued, "I'm afraid we have to >insist. There's a state of emergency on right now; we have orders to >escort you to Headquarters." SAMANTHA: To be exterminated. > "Can't do, I'm afraid. Like I said, I'm meeting someone." DJ >took out the picture and regarded it momentarily. "Someone I don't >want to sod up my first encounter with," Tsuneo: Too late, you already did. >he added with a smile, tucking the photo back into his pocket. Rebecca (DJ): Damn, I'm smooth! Tsuneo: Must... not... strangle... DJ... > Ginger repressed a sigh that might have humanized him a bit >had he let it escape. "We have orders - " he started to repeat. > "Sod your orders," said DJ. SAMANTHA: 'Sod'? Is that a British curse word? Rebecca: Yes, it is. You get three guesses at what it means. Mohan: I like the word 'smeg' myself. > "Mr. Croft, given your status as a minor - " Rebecca: - pain in the ass. Mohan: Oh no. He's a Major Pain all right. > "And a subject of the British crown," added DJ. Tsuneo (stunned): Ummmm....*yeah*. > " - and a subject of the British crown, yes," Salt-and-Pepper >continued, SAMANTHA: Obviously annoyed as we are. Rebecca: I'll wager he declares himself a trillion times more powerful than Shinji next... Tsuneo: Does he need to? That much is obvious. >"we really do not want to be put in a situation where we >have to use force." SAMANTHA: USE FORCE! USE FORCE! Mohan:Time to administer...CUSTOMER SERVICE! > "Then don't," DJ told him with a shrug, leaning back against >the guard rail. Mohan (amazed):Man, his smugness is reaching epic Pat Lee-like proportions... Tsuneo: Pat Lee had nothing on this guy. I'm gonna puke soon. >G-men don't know how to take it when you fail to be >impressed with their authority. It always throws them off-balance. SAMANTHA: AHH!!! *THUD* > DJ knew all about G-men. His father had been one, in the >years before Second Impact. DJ's mother had told him the story >hundreds of times. >They'd had one night together, coincidentally the >night of Second Impact itself, Rebecca: Tsuneo: Yeah, that's convenient. Hey, DJ! Let's see how many plot contrivances you can pull out of your hat in a single chapter! Samantha: Let's see... Nerv Central's moved, Misato's writing in English, he's replacing the major character... And Lara Croft's such a _good_ mother that she takes her kid roaming in dangerous places all around the world. >and then he'd disappeared. Rebecca: An incalculable mercy to the world. >Later, the >government said he'd been killed with his partner in the Great San >Andreas Earthquake, but DJ believed otherwise. Mohan:Wait a sec. (tape pauses). Remember the intro, the guy DJ looked like... Tsuneo (groans):Geez...that means his dad's... Samantha:That practically just *screams* Mary Sue! > When it comes to the United States Government, DJ's father had >told Lara Croft that night, trust no one. Rebecca: And to make it *more* obvious-- Mohan: So, we're saying that Fox Mulder, the man with the sex life of a mollusc and the personality to match, had a one-night fling with Lara Croft? You sure it wasn't his Evil Twin or something? Rebecca: It's probably all the Cancer Man's fault anyway. > She had taken his advice to >heart, and so had the son he'd never met. Tsuneo: Because he told her to trust no-one? I'm trying, but I just can't figure that one out. > "We don't have TIME for this," growled Ginger. SAMANTHA: Ginger is *BACK!* She's off the island and she's *pissed!* >DJ had figured >him for the one who would crack first. Mohan: Big whoop, I can do that (concentrates briefly, then glances at Samantha) You'll be first. Samantha:Hey! Tsuneo:And you haven't even seen the later EVA episodes (grins evilly) >He ducked easily under the >hand the G-man had meant to clamp on his shoulder, then slipped around >the man's outside and faded back behind the corner of the black >sedan. Tsuneo:You can't see me! I'm *obfuscating!* Rebecca:Now that's obsucre. > "I'm not in your bloody country ten minutes and you're already >manhandling me. Rebecca: And wouldn't DJ like that! >The British consulate is definitely going to hear >about this," DJ observed. SAMANTHA (DJ): I'm telling mom, and you'll be in deep *so* bad! > "Come -back- here, you little - " > "And now I'm to be subjected to foul language as well? Your >mother must be very proud of you," DJ chided. Rebecca: Bad G-man! Bad, bad, bad G-man! Mohan:Our hero, ladies & gentlemen. >He knew he was baiting the man, and that it probably wasn't a wise thing >to do, but the hell of it was, sometimes, he just couldn't help it. Tsuneo (DJ): I am a smarmy bastard, aren't I, folks? >Another trait his >mother always said he got from his father, although DJ had seen her do >it more than her fair share of times. SAMANTHA: Strange. I always thought Lara knocked them out whenever she quickly turned around. Tsuneo: Let's see DJ try that one. Rebecca: He just needs to use his *amazing* personality instead. > Nevertheless, Ginger was starting to look downright ticked >off. DJ decided it was time to get moving. > > /* Siobhan Lynch "Stayin' Alive" _Supercop_ */ Rebecca & Tsuneo (startled):GYAH!!! SAMANTHA: Where the hell is that music coming from? I'll blast the speakers to bits! Mohan (singing): You can tell by the way I move my hands what a dork I am what a dork I am! Rebecca:Mohan, how'd you get you voice *that* high? Mohan:Sandara's been teaching me, plus some minor shape-shifting. > "Well, it's been fun, gentlemen," he said, dashing back to the >airport terminal building. "Ta!" he called Tsuneo: Tally ho and what not, chap! Buh-Bye, now! >after him as he sprinted >through the doors Rebecca: CRASH! [DJ] Whoops! Should've opened them first. >into the deserted baggage concourse. > That the airport was evacuated was both good and bad: good in >that there were no crowds to get in the way and airport security >officers to help the G-men, bad in that there were no crowds to hide >in and airport security officers to misdirect into hindering the >G-men. SAMANTHA: And innocent bystanders to take the bullets meant for him. Hmmm... >Still, one makes do. DJ hopped a Smarte Carte, using it as an >impromptu skateboard to pick up some extra speed across the baggage >area, then ditching it and banging through a fire door. Rebecca: Somewhere, Jackie Chan is weeping. > This was more like it. The modest-sized airport was built, as >DJ would find out most things in Worcester-3 are, Mohan: *Lovely.* The author's hometown is the home of Nerv HQ... Samantha: I do believe that we are looking at another Author Avatar with reality warping abilities. Otherwise, that should have been Tokyo-3. Tsuneo: Incidently, what happened to Worcester-2? Rebecca: They all moved away when they heard he was coming. >into the side of a >hill (actually, a sizable plateau, big enough for the runways), and >below the hilltop terminal building was a two-level parking garage >which had entrances and exits from the two-switchbacked access road >running up the hillface from the city. Samantha: INTENSE CARPARK DESCRIPTION ACTION! Tsuneo: For crying out loud! How many more of these run on sentences are there? >Assuming the two G-men didn't have backup, Tsuneo: Which, given the hopelessly undertrained way in which they were portrayed, is incredible likely. Samantha: You don't think he's concealed a canister of Ratliff Gas on his person? >they couldn't chase him and cover all the exits; it was >only a matter of avoiding them in the garage, and a little bit of luck >in picking the right exit, and he could elude them and get into the >city proper. Rebecca: Unfortunately, the two G-men *were* able to cover all the exits and DJ was captured, arrested, and placed in jail for life. The End. > What he was going to do then, he had no idea, but what the >hell... Tsuneo: Yeah, brilliant planning, DJ. >it beat being dragged away to who knows where by the Men in Black. Mohan: > Bursting out of the stairwell on the first garage level, DJ >immediately ducked between two parked cars and crouchwalked along >between them, not letting his head show above the top lines of the >cars if he could help it. Tsuneo (DJ, softly): I'm sneaky! You can't see me: I...am a lamp post! > Flattening himself against the cool >concrete of the corner wall, he stole a look Rebecca: You bring that back here, you punk! >out into the mostly-empty >garage. The coast looked clear on the far exit, and the sounds coming >from the stairwell he had just exited meant at least one agent was not >far from catching up to him. > Nothing for it, then. He took a couple of deep breaths, >getting as much oxygen as possible into his blood, and then Mohan (singing):Breath in, breathe out, breathe in... Rebecca (DJ):Which to do first. Decisions, decisions. >dashed >flat-out for the exit. Behind him, the stairwell door banged open and >the voice of Ginger bellowed, "STOP!" DJ prudently ignored that >instruction and charged out of the garage at full speed, SAMANTHA: Accidently getting nailed by a bus and dying. The End. Mohan (gazing at Samantha): Yikes... Tsuneo: She's almost as bad as me when Sasami's around. >flashing past >a startled Salt-and-Pepper and the black sedan before vaulting the >guardrail and proceeding to sprint down the grassy hillside. Tsuneo: Super-Fujisawa...JUMP! Rebecca: You sure that wasn't a grassy knoll? >The >effort here was actually in not going -too- fast and tumbling out of >control; Rebecca (scoffing): Oh, of course not-- Samantha: Not that he'll have any problems with that, because he's so cool! Mohan: [Looking worriedly at Samantha] Uhh... Samantha: Sorry. He's getting to me. > if he did that he would fetch up painfully against the guard >rail down below where the airport access road switched back and be an >easy pickup. He stole a glance over his shoulder; neither G-man had >decided to pursue him directly. Instead they were piling into their >car and trying to beat him to the switchback. SAMANTHA: This has all the action quality of "Gymkata". > DJ smiled. They weren't going to make it. He hopped the >rail, pelted across the pavement, hopped the opposite rail All: Boingy, boingy, boingy! >and plunged down the hill again, hearing the screech of tires a good five seconds >behind him. That was silly of them; there was one more switchback to >go, and if they had kept the pedal down they might have beaten him to >it. Tsuneo: Of course they would have. Not like they're *professional agents* or anything... > It was about then that the other black car cut him off. DJ >was going way too fast to stop, so he trusted the reflexes he'd honed >in countless workouts and adventures at his mother's side Rebecca: I can believe that! What with dodging Lara's two biggest assets all the time. >and vaulted >it, sliding across the hood and coming down in a neat tumble before >continuing toward the guard rail. Mohan:Wow! I am in awe of his ninja-like prowess! Samantha: You're kidding! Mohan:Well...yes, actually. Tsuneo: Pat Lee, come back. All is forgiven. > One of the men in the second car was too fast for him, though; >just as he jumped for the rail, a hand caught his collar and brought >him up short. Tsuneo: Yes! Finally caught the little bugger. Samantha (Beavis): TASER! USE THE TASER! Rebecca: Umm, Sam, you drink a lot of Surge, don't you? > Fine, then, if they wanted to be that way about it. DJ >whirled, his left hand tearing something from under his jacket, and >the startled G-man who had DJ by the collar and his sidearm in his >other hand covering the boy suddenly found himself looking down the >barrel of another pistol - smaller, but no less deadly for that. Mohan: Since when did the members of the British crown carry around guns? Tsuneo:The same time 14-year-old British kids could carry pistols legally, apparently. Rebecca: And get them through customs while travelling alone. Samantha: Still more plot contrivances for the list. > They remained there, frozen, for several seconds, held at >arm's length, locked in each other's sights - your classic John Woo >standoff (cf. "The Killer"). SAMANTHA: Hmmm... I think Marta would definitely like to meet this guy. Tsuneo: Why do you think that? SAMANTHA: Because she would show him a *real* John Woo standoff... and he would lose. Tsuneo (smiles deviously):Ooo...I like! Rebecca (To Mohan): You can tell those two are falling in love. Sam & Tsuneo: I heard that! > Then the G-man found his voice: Rebecca: It was in the glovebox where he'd left it. >"Where the hell'd you get that, kid?" > "Brought it with me." > "Through security?" > "A guy's got to have some secrets." Mohan: Especially the one where he wets his bed every night. Tsuneo: That's a bit much--(Mohan growls lowly, and he stops) > G-man and erstwhile mini-fugitive shared a quiet grin of >mutual understanding. Samantha:"G-Man and Mini-Fugitive"! Next fall, on Fox! > The sound of another car pulling up broke the tableau. Mohan: Tsuneo (car):Sorry, sorry about that. >Looking past the man who still held down on him, DJ saw the new car. All: It's a new car! [They cheer wildly] >It was the blue one from the photo, and the woman getting out was the >woman who belonged to it, Tsuneo: Uh... ain't that the other way round? Rebecca: Maybe he *is* too much of a petrol-head after all. >though she was differently dressed; she had >on a brown dress that might have been a uniform and a jacket that was >at least part of one. Mohan (Author):It could be a dress...or it could be a uniform. *You* make the call! SAMANTHA: *sigh* Poor Misato. I *still* think you weren't paid enough to stare in this horrid piece of literature. > "Well," said the woman, smiling. "Nobody told me you came >with such interesting accessories. I'm Misato Katsuragi." Rebecca (DJ, slyly): Why thank you. I also have a vast array of attachments... Mohan: Naughty girl! Tsuneo: That's her moderate setting. > "Ah, is -that- your name," replied DJ, not looking away from >the G-man. "I couldn't read your signature at all. DJ Croft. Mind >telling me what the hell's going on here?" Samantha (Misato, shocked): Well! It's nice to see you, too! Tsuneo: You're in a crappy fanfic. Next? > "Hop in," said Misato, indicating her car. "I'll explain on >the way. Let him go, Stanfield." > "On the way where?" asked DJ as the G-man released him, but >kept him covered. > "I'll explain that on the way too." > DJ sighed. "I s'pose if I don't you'll have these fellows >make me." > "No," said Misato cheerfully. "I'll make you myself." SAMANTHA: Misato had to drink a lot of liquer after saying that line. Rebecca: I respect Misato as a person too much to say it. Tsuneo: [Stunned] Really? Rebecca: No. [Misato] And I'll enjoy it, too! > DJ smiled. "You're making me feel at home already." Putting >his gun away and sketching a salute Rebecca: So he's a quick-draw cartoonist too, huh? >to a somewhat amused-looking >Stanfield, he walked over to the blue car, tossed his backpack into >the back seat, and plopped down in the driver's seat before realizing >his mistake and sliding over. Mohan (Butthead): Plop. Rebecca: Well, that was tastless. Mohan: Thank you. > "Sorry. Forgot it wouldn't be a proper >car." > "What the hell's wrong with my car?" Misato demanded, irked. > "Nothing, nothing," DJ replied. "It's just I forgot you >Americans drive on the other side." Tsuneo: Americans?!?! The god damned hell... This DJ is screwing up the entire continuity for the whole Evangelion storyline! The story takes place in Japan! Baka yaro! Rebecca: He already moved NERV to America, why stop there? > "Oh." She seemed mollified by that, SAMANTHA (Misato): It's in the script. Otherwise I'd just pistol-whip him back to Liverpool right now. Tsuneo: Ah. Now we get to the 'make-the-established-characters-look- like-morons-so-I'll-seem-even-more-cool' part of self-insertion. Rebecca: [Muttered] Not that it's too hard with her. >and took her place behind the wheel. "I just got it fixed." > "It's lovely," DJ said. Rebecca: Spot the double entendre, folks. > As they drove, Misato seemed lost in thought for a moment, >then turned to DJ and asked, "Do you have your acceptance letter?" > At a loss as to just why she would want that, since it was >obvious to him now that she didn't work for any school for gifted >youth, Mohan:Professor Xavier wasn't really hiring, after all. Tsuneo: Yeah, I'd put him in a *gifted* school too. > DJ nevertheless retrieved the appropriate document and handed >it over. Misato studied it, hmm'd thoughtfully, then stuck it into >the pocket on the cover of a binder and handed the whole thing to DJ. Rebecca: And she did this all the while driving? I'm impressed. > NERV, said the cover, in large, not-particularly-friendly >letters, and PERSONNEL HANDBOOK below. > > "NERV!" DJ declared, turning the binder over in his hand. >"Are you putting me on? NERV, the special military arm of SEELE? >That NERV?" SAMANTHA: No, NERV the special arm of the Monty Python show... of course NERV, the military organization!!! > "You've heard of SEELE?" Mohan: Ah... I see... hang on people, this is gonna hurt worse than an Adam Chris Leigh fanfic. > "'Course I've heard of SEELE," Tsuneo: [DJ] 'Cause I'm so dang smart and cool! >he said, in the kind of tone >most teenage boys would say, "'Course I've heard of the Thrashing >Gnoberts." Mohan: That sounds like an interesting method of torture, if you ask me. Rebecca (Misato): Well, I haven't so would you kindly elaborate. > "That's interesting, considering it's a secret organization." Rebecca: Known only by its members, a few military commanders, and millions of EVA fans worldwide. > "Sure, as secret as Majestic 12," replied DJ. The reference >went clear over Misato's head, but she decided not to question it. SAMANTHA (frustrated): Oh, if Misato, doesn't get it, she *must* be a ditz! Tsuneo:Majestic 12...they're related to the Magnificent 10, I believe. All:BIG FIRE! >DJ >leafed through the manual. "They made NERV public but thought they >could keep its parent organization a secret? Idiots. Why'd you give >me this?" Tsuneo (irritated): So this kid just *immediately* has intimite knowledge of one of the EVA story world's largest mysteries!? Cute, *real* cute! Rebecca:DJ's easily reached Pat Lee-level omniscience. > "You'll need it. You see, you'll be working for us." > "I will. Gee, and here I haven't even interviewed yet." SAMANTHA: Ah, how funny. This must be that dry British wit I've heard so much about. > "Sure you have. Remember the tests you took last year?" > "I knew it!" DJ said, slapping the armrest built into his >side's door. "The whole thing's a scam. Mohan (DJ): It's a *conspiricy* man! It's oppression! The man's trying to keep us down! >But what the hell d'you need >-me- for?" he asked, running a hand over his thick black thatch of >hair. "I mean, granted, I -am- the world's most handsome and >sophisticated fourteen-year-old boy, but what good is that to NERV?" SAMANTHA: Tsuneo: (attempts to say something, but tosses his hands up in defeat.) Rebecca (taken back): Well, at least he's not *pompus*... Mohan: My head hurts... > Misato suppressed a snicker. "You'll see," she replied. SAMANTHA: That sounded more like a sob to me. > "Oh, joy," replied DJ. "A surprise. I love surprises." Tsuneo: Hopefully, the surprise is a bullet with his name on it. > They topped the next hill, and the city spread itself out >before them again; as it did, DJ noticed something that hadn't been >there before. Mohan: A good plot? Rebecca: The yellow stain on his pants? Tsuneo: Sachiel stepping on the car? Samantha: My apologies to Misato, but please? > "What the hell is that?!" Tsuneo: Oh, it's just a sixty-meter tall alien running amok and smashing the city. [pause] WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T NOTICE IT BEFORE? > On the hills on the other side of the city, perhaps four or >five miles distant, a group of combat aerodynes were being torn to >bits by... > ... well, to DJ, it looked most like Hedorah, the Smog >Monster, from "Godzilla vs." Rebecca: Oh, great, now he's trashing really good stuff. >same - a vaguely humanoid black shape two >or three hundred feet high, with a definite form and yet strangely >amorphous, gangly and entirely otherworldly. Rebecca: Look! It's DJ's ego run amok! > "It's an Angel," Misato replied, all but standing on the car's >accelerator. > "Well, bugger all," Rebecca: No, that's Kaoru's job. [A loud tearing sound is heard, then Tsuneo hits Rebecca with the seat of a cinema chair] Tsuneo: Now stop that! Rebecca: [Dazed] Auntie Em! >said DJ. "They're back. I knew they would be, sooner or later." Mohan: Rather casual about an Angel attack, ain't he!? SAMANTHA: I feel like hurting this guy... and yet, I know I cannot hurt him the way he's hurt me. Tsuneo: Let me try... please, let me try... > Misato would have liked to have asked DJ what the hell he >meant by that, but she was too busy driving the car at ridiculous >speeds into a tunnel. Mohan: Lean into it, guys! Rebecca:Good God, It's Rini...(mimics a bumping sound) 200 points! Samantha (looks horrified at Rebecca): That was horrible! Rebecca: Yeah, it's gonna be hell to get her off the front. > DJ had seen a lot of surprising things already that day, Rebecca: Not the least of which was Misato's driving. >but >if he had to look back on it and pick the most surprising one, he >figured the car coming out of that tunnel into an underground cavern >the size of a small state was probably the biggest one, just edging >out the sight of Hedorah the Smog Monster destroying a platoon of >aerodynes. SAMANTHA: If we're lucky, Hedorah will kill DJ and save Misato. [All cheer] >They were on a massively elevated freeway, soaring down >from the lofty heights of the cavern ceiling toward a city sprawled >along the shores of a massive lake almost a mile below. Above, the >city of Worcester-3 Mohan: Worcester-3...(shakes his head) I'm never going to get over that. > hung suspended from the ceiling, looking absurdly >inverted. DJ counted himself fortunate that he was not acrophobic. Tsuneo: However, he forgot he was *clas*trophobic and went insane inside the car. > "This's a funny place for a Geo-Front," he observed. > "This is Worcester-3," replied Misato. "Our fortress against >the Angels." > "Slick," replied DJ. Rebecca (Ash): Groovy! Mohan (Tick): Keen! >They fell silent as Misato drove and DJ admired the view. Mohan (DJ):Yeah, and the Geo-Front looks pretty cool too! Samantha (Misato): Eechi! (*slap!*) > The NERV manual went completely unread as DJ marveled at >everything around him. Rebecca: Well at least *something* surprised him! Tsuneo: Ah, I bet he's read it already. Samantha: I bet the Geofront's not as good as the one he built in his back yard. >He didn't even care that Misato had gotten >them both completely lost in the maze of escalators, elevators, >corridors and passageways that made up the labyrinthian pyramidal >building with the rather baroque name "Central Dogma"; he was much too >busy being impressed with the architecture. Mohan: Yeah, she gets easily lost since she, well, works there and all... Tsuneo: Don't laugh. It happened. > In one of the elevators, though, he was distracted from the >architecture as they were joined by another woman. SAMANTHA: More specifically, he was distracted by the bat she wielded as it batted his brains into next week. Rebecca: A hard target to hit... being so small and all. Tsuneo: That was so cheap, but it felt good nonetheless. >This one was about >Misato's height and age, with shorter blonde hair and a small mole >under one blue eye. Rebecca: Where's the other one? >Like Misato, she was a very attractive woman, >though they accomplished that end in completely different ways. The >new arrival (Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, according to the name tag clipped to >her lab coat) Tsuneo: Maybe Ritsuko will have something happen in the EVA sync test and DJ wil have his brains fried. REBECCA: Easy, guy. DJ's getting to all of us. (looks nervously at the fuming Samantha) >had a rather more arctic sort of beauty, and dressed to >match it. She had on dark stockings, a black leather miniskirt and a >tight blue zip-up top with a ring on the throat-high zip tab that DJ >found almost irresistibly enticing, topped off incongruously with a >white lab coat. Samantha: *This* is Ritsuko? Rebecca: No, it's Dr. Biggles-Jones with a haircut. [All stare at her] Nevermind. > Neither woman, it occurred to DJ, looked even vaguely >Japanese, but if he had been the sort of person who worried about that >kind of thing, he would have lost his mind long ago; so he ignored it. Mohan: I'm new to anime worlds, but does *any* anime character actually look like a real-life Japanese person? Rebecca: Ummm, Mo?... Mohan (sighs): I know, dumb question. Tsuneo: And now, the vicarious fanboy thrills of trashing the genre he decided to write about. Keep piling up those offenses, DJ! > She arrived in a somewhat disconcerting fashion; the elevator >stopped, the doors opened, and there she was, standing right in front >of them. Rebecca:Dress around her ankles, absolutely plastered... (gets bapped with a cushion) Tsuneo: Bad girl! Mohan: Where'd that come from? Samantha (re-reads the section): In other words, she was waiting to catch it. What's so unusual about that? > She stepped inside expressionlessly, in the process pushing >back a surprised and sheepish-looking Misato, who stammered, "Uh, hi, >um, Ritsuko." Rebecca: [Misato] Honey, I'm home. > "Why are you wasting my time, Captain Katsuragi?" Ritsuko >inquired coolly. "Don't you realize we're short of both time >and manpower?" > > "Sorry," replied Misato sheepishly. "I got lost again." > Ritsuko turned and regarded DJ dispassionately. "This is the >boy?" Tsuneo: 'Boy' indeed. > "Yes," replied Misato. "According to the Marduk Report, he's >the Fifth Child." SAMANTHA: So that would make DJ the final Angel... I should be losing my cool and blowing away the TV right about now, but I think I stopped caring a few paragraphs ago... Rebecca: Oh, look! It's Big Gay Kaoru! > DJ grinned. "DJ Croft. I really must compliment your Human >Resources people sometime soon." Tsuneo: In other words, I'm a suave pervert and you're not going to clip me for that one. > Ritsuko's look became quizzical for a moment; then she >directed it at Misato, Mohan: *BAP* Oww! >who shrugged. > As they left the elevator and rode up another ridiculously >long escalator, DJ tuned out the conversation between the two women >(it was incomprehensible anyway, something about a test unit failing >some kind of synchronization with some absurdly small success rate, >sounded to DJ like they were talking about a faulty piece of network >routing equipment or some such) Mohan & Rebecca (Beavis & Butthead): Ya blah blah blah... SAMANTHA: After all, he's DJ the god and shouldn't be heckled with the bothersome issues of mere mortals. Tsuneo:This is spooky. Ol' DJ's edging into Marissa-level arrogance now. >and admired the vastness and weirdness >of the space around them. He followed them absently, looking into the >manual's index for this or that, and only noticed that something was >odd when a door closed behind them and abruptly shut off all the >light. Tsuneo: This is when he gets murdered in the dark, right? >Startled, he looked up from the book, as though that would >somehow help, and bumped into one of the women, although he would >never be sure which one. SAMANTHA: Misato told me that they had to shoot this scene fives times because DJ kept on taking the chance to grab their butts. Tsuneo: Why doesn't that surprise me? > In retrospect, he would decide that it was more or less the >high point of his day, right there. Rebecca: I see what you mean, Sam... Tsuneo: *Groping* in the dark like that. > "Hey, what the - " DJ began, but then the overhead lights >snapped on, and he skidded to a mental halt. Tsuneo (DJ, gulps weakly): Mother. Rebecca: That assumes his mind was moving to start with. > He was standing on a catwalk across a large, vault-ceilinged >metal room, not unlike the service gantry across a submarine pen. The >resemblance was heightened by the fact that the room was filled up to >the catwalk level with a pinkish liquid. Mohan (Chef):It's full of...*HOT LAVA!* > High on the far wall, near >the ceiling, was a row of thick windows. But the thing in front of >DJ, protruding above the surface of the liquid and bracketed by the >catwalk, was no submarine conning tower. > It took DJ a few moments to realize that what he was looking >at were the head and shoulders of a gigantic robot - if his sense of >scale was still intact, it might just be a rival in scale for the >monster that he'd seen attacking the aerodynes earlier. It was >covered in a dull purple armor plate, and the head had a curious >horn-like construct on it, jutting high above DJ's head from between >the slit-like yellow eyes that seemed, uncomfortably, to be watching >him. SAMANTHA: Poor EVA-01! They had to clean out the entry plug six times just to get the smell of DJ's ego out of it. Tsuneo (EVA-01):To all EVA fans, I apologize, I really needed the money! It was this or be in the "Intergalactic" video! Rebecca: At least it's not banana yellow anymore. Mohan: Amen! > "What're -you- when you're at home?" he murmured. Rebecca: The hell? Mohan:Yo, DJ! Remember *us*, the readers? Hello? Tsuneo: Of course, DJ's *always* gotta have a cool remark. > "This is the Test Type model of the artificial lifeform >Evangelion," said Ritsuko. "Unit 01." > "Well, that's all very nice, but what the hell's it mean?" > "It's Mankind's last line of defense against the Angels," said >Misato. Rebecca (Misato): The last, best hope against the Shadows--ahem--excuse me... > "And you will pilot it," came a man's voice, distorted >slightly as if by a loudspeaker. DJ looked up and saw a man, >dark-haired and intense-eyed, staring down at him from the booth >windows. Mohan: Hey guys, here's a twisted idea: Gendo Ikari in charge of Deep 13. (They all shudder) Samantha (recovering): *Anyway*...back to the show... > "Excuse me?" DJ inquired. > "I am Professor Gendou Ikari. I am the Director of NERV and >Project Evangelion." Tsuneo: Screw Shinji! I'm gonna be the one who pilots Unit-01 and have all sorts of psychological problems!!! Mohan:What the heck *did* happen to our favorite manic-depressive, anyway? Rebecca: He got while the getting was good. > "How nice for you," replied DJ conversationally. Mohan: [DJ] Whoop-de-shit. > "Your mother is Lara Croft, the archaeologist," said Ikari. >It was not a question. All: Naw! > "I know who my mother is, thanks," said DJ. > "She disappeared three months ago while investigating a Mayan >ruin in the Yucatan." Rebecca: That would put Lara's age at somewhere around the mid-forties, I believe. Samantha:Well, she hides it well. > "Difficult to find Mayan ruins elsewhere, isn't it? Tsuneo: Try central Africa. No, sorry, those were Cambodian. Mohan: What the... Rebecca: Amazing. Someone *else* who saw Congo. >Your point?" > "Since then you have been a minor living alone, with neither >supervision nor guidance. Tsuneo: Given Lara's apparent parenting skills, that's no change. >That has now changed. You will work for us." > "Will I indeed? Suppose I don't want to." > "That is not an option," said Ikari flatly. > "There're always options." > "I gave the last person in your position options, and he >disappointed me. Tsuneo: So, Shinji's already been screwed over? >I have decided to avoid this in future by no longer >presenting a choice. You will pilot Unit 01; you will defeat the >attacking Angel." Mohan (groans):Ohhh *GODS!* SAMANTHA: See? I knew he was going to pilot Unit-01. Rebecca (Gendo, faux-German):Und you vill like it! SCHNELL! Tsuneo: What's the bets he starts out with a *measly* sixty-or-so sync ratio? > "Go to hell! Mohan: [Mr. Garrison] You go to hell! You go to hell and you die! >You've got no right to do this, whoever the hell you are. Tsuneo: If you knew about NERV, then you'd know they're above the law. >I'm a British subject - I can't be pressed into service by >an American agency, I'm pretty bloody sure that's an act of war!" Tsuneo (DJ,whiny): But I don't *want* to save the world! I want to...I want to *sing*... Mohan (Gendo):Oh shut up! > "NERV is above the law," Ikari replied coldly. > "Bollocks." > "For God's sake, this is childish!" Ritsuko burst out, >overcome with a wave of exasperation. "Stop arguing international law >and get into the damned EVA." Samantha: Nah, this ain't Ritsuko. Rebecca: Maybe it's her good twin sister. Tsuneo: You mean 'evil' twin? Rebecca: I know what I mean. > "Childish?!" Mohan: i.e.: what you are, DJ. >DJ rounded on her, thrusting a finger fiercely >into her face. "Look here, my love, SAMANTHA (whispering): Kill him, Ritsuko! Rebecca: Drown him in the LCL, ya know you want to! >you people drag me halfway round >the world on the pretense of giving me an advanced-study scholarship, >you fly me into a WAR ZONE, you send a PRESS GANG to meet me at the >airport, you plop me down in front of a giant bleeding ROBOT and ORDER >me to risk my life to save you and then you have the GALL to call me >CHILDISH because I happen to be a little OUTRAGED about the whole >thing? Mohan (DJ): WHAT ABOUT DJ? WHAT ABOUT *ME*!?! (Normal) Arrogant little bastard... Rebecca: Like he's not going to do it anyway... Tsuneo: No, she has the GALL to call you CHILDISH because you're too busy WHINING to see how IMPORTANT this is! >Well, I've got news for you, Dr. Pullring Tsuneo: That's it. Kill him. >- you and your spook >brigade don't control the entire bleeding world. Mohan: Yes, they do actually. But you should know that, given how much you know about SEELE. >Now I want somebody to >take me back to the airport RIGHT BLOODY NOW and maybe - just MAYBE - >I won't give a full report to the British consulate about what you've >just tried to do to me." SAMANTHA: [Sniffs and holds her nose] Could someone please open up a window? The stench is starting to make my eyes water. Rebecca (Ritsuko): Must...control...Fist of Death... Mohan: And maybe - just maybe, if you're very lucky, you'll insult NERV's chief scientist and leave the room. > Having expected neither such focused anger nor such eloquence Tsuneo: Eloquence? "Dr. Pullring"? ELOQUENCE?!? THAT DOES IT! I'LL... [Rebecca whacks him - hard - with a chair seat.] Rebecca: Better? Tsuneo: I needed that. >from her small antagonist, Risuko Samantha: Twisted clone of Ritsuko. >had no particular reply to make; >instead she stared into DJ's angry blue eyes for a moment, shocked >into silence by the force of his indignation. Rebecca (Ritsuko, monotone): I am in awe of DJ's articulate debate. I have no free will. I have been assimilated. > The moment was broken by the sound of Dr. Ikari saying, "Fine. >Captain Katsuragi, see that the boy gets back to his home after the >operation is complete." Tsuneo (Gendo): Ya damn baby... Mohan (DJ): What was that!?! > He tabbed a control on the panel next to him. >"Keller, wake up Rei." > "You're sending her?" Otto Keller Tsuneo: Uh... what the smeg happened to Fuyutski? Rebecca: He got a proper job. >replied, shocked. > "She isn't dead," said Ikari flatly. SAMANTHA: She's getting better. > Keller seemed to wrestle with his thoughts for a moment, then >nodded, his shoulders slumping as if he'd just lost the battle. >"Understood." His image winked out. > A moment later, there came the chime of another intercom >channel opening, and Ikari announced without preamble, "Rei, the >replacement is useless. You will do it instead." Mohan: You know, I almost *miss* seeing Soun Tendo in charge of NERV... Tsuneo (horrified): EXCUSE ME!?! Rebecca (patting Tsuneo's shoulder): Really long story... > "I understand," came a female voice, flat, emotionless, like a >strange mirror of Ikari's own tones. > DJ began to feel as if he had accidentally dropped through a >wormhole in time and space and into an Ingmar Bergman movie. SAMANTHA: Actually, that's the plot hole you fell through. >A few >moments later, the feeling was intensified as a door at the far end of >the catwalk opened and three men in medical greens wheeled in a >gurney. Tsuneo: Cue the stock footage! Mohan:Man, this would be intense if we hadn't seen it coming 15 minutes ago! >On the gurney was a girl, DJ guessed more or less his own >age, and looking rather the worse for wear. Her legs were swathed in >bandages, one forearm wore a cast, and there was a loop of gauze >around her head securing a pad over her right eye. An IV in her >unencasted left arm dripped a clear solution from a bag held above her >by a bracket on the side of the gurney. Mohan: Wow. I see the fic's already gotten to her. Rebecca: Naw, just Saturday morning shoppers. >She had disheveled pale hair >that actually looked rather blue under the lights of the bay, Tsuneo: Could it be because it _is_ blue? Rebecca: Remember his respect for the genre? >and her >skin was ash-white, the palest DJ had ever seen. > As she passed, she looked up at DJ with her good eye, and for >just an instant, their gazes - his blue, wavering between residual >anger and mounting bemusement, hers a deep red and unreadable - met. >As that instant stretched glassy thin, DJ felt curiously calm and >focused, as if the preternatural calm with which she was taking these >events had seeped into him through the momentary eye contact. He felt >an unspeakable kinship with her, an undefinable longing for more and >deeper contact... Mohan: --as if DJ was using his innate Author Avatar abilities to cause Rei to fall for him. Rebecca (Rei): I am inexplicitily attracted to you. I have no free will. I, too, have been assimilated. >as if here was someone he could happily tell all his >secrets to, here was someone who could confide implicitly in him. Samantha:Wow! the crimes just keep piling up, don't they? Mohan: By the Silver One...he's going to boff Rei, isn't he? Rebecca:I'm detecting pain in our future. Tsuneo: I feel like I'm being smothered by ego in here... ghack! > Then the moment shattered, time resumed its normal pace, the >gurney was past and the feeling was swept away, and for a moment, DJ >felt quite cheated. He turned, all blank of mind, Rebecca: So what else is new? >and watched as the medtechs removed the IV Tsuneo (checking the IV, shrugs): Huh, lemonade. > and the girl struggled to a sitting position, >beads of sweat breaking out on her forehead from the exertion or the >pain. She breathed sharply through clenched teeth, her hands clenched >into fists, one visible eye narrowed in obvious anguish. SAMANTHA: She's co-staring with DJ Croft. Who wouldn't be in anguish? > DJ looked up to the booth, and the message in Ikari's >expressionless eyes was clear: do what I want, or I'll send this girl >to die in your place. For there was no doubt in DJ's mind that if she >went out there in her current condition, she would not survive. Tsuneo: And what makes you think you'll do better... Yeah! Go on, get in the EVA! You can do it! Come on Sachiel!... kill him... > Before he had a chance to say or do anything about it, though, >the chamber shook as if in an earthquake, and, as the medtechs >scattered in panic, the gurney turned on its side, dumping its >occupant to the steel catwalk with a single, sharp cry of pain. >Unthinking, DJ sprinted toward her, not even noticing as a tangle of >the girders across the vaulted ceiling broke free and tumbled down - >directly toward him. Rebecca:YES! Tsuneo:Our prayers have been answered (high-fives Mohan) [As Samantha starts cheering, Sachiel hands her a beer. She takes the beer, mumbles a thanks and opens it up, pausing only a moment to down some before continung with her cheering. Mohan looks back at the blur of motion...] Mohan (nervously):Ummm...guys? Samantha: Hush, it's finally getting good! > Misato caught her breath, watching helplessly as the girders >fell. Tsuneo (happy): You mispelled 'gleefully', but that's OK. >DJ was running out from under them, but he wouldn't clear them >in time - and so intent was he on reaching Rei, he would never know >what hit him. Rebecca: My guess would be...the ceiling! Ya-hoo! > That's what she thought until, with a metallic tearing sound, >the right hand of EVA-01 broke free of its restraints, rose out of the >suspension liquid, and interposed itself. Tsuneo: Someone's been hitting the old thesaurus again. >The girders bounced away >with a crash, bashing against the booth window where Dr. Ikari stood >unflinching and watched. Tsuneo (baffled):But there's no reason why it would...for DJ... Mohan (equally baffled):What the hell!? SAMANTHA: I should have expected this, but nooo... I had to get my hopes up. >Misato looked away, bothered slightly by the >grin that creased the scientist's Tsuneo: Actually, it was Gendo who was grinning, but never mind. >usually motionless visage - a grin >with no humor or warmth, only an unholy kind of triumph. Rebecca: That's strange. I kinda figured that Soun would be booing as well. Tsuneo: Look, I don't even want to *talk* about that fusion crossover! I'm bitter enough *now!* > It then dawned on her, and on Ritsuko, what had just happened, >and they shared an incredulous glance that quickly melted into >satisfaction. Tsuneo: Uh...huh? Wouldn't they be kind of, say, surprised about this? Mohan: Are you kidding? This is the DJ-verse. They're other characters, so they don't matter. Rebecca: That line's just asking for it... but I won't for once. >DJ, oblivious to it all, skidded to a halt beside the stricken >pilot, dropping to his knees and helping her as she struggled to sit >up. Mohan (DJ, to Rei): So, lunch, then? > The fall had reopened wounds; as he supported her back with one >hand and her encasted arm with the other, he felt blood seeping sticky >and hot through bandages and uniform. She lay against his arm and >chest, good eye squeezed shut, taking short, gasping breaths through >the haze of pain. SAMANTHA: MEDIC!!! Rebecca: [Gasping as Rei] Get... me... away... from... him! >Feeling as if he'd been stabbed through the heart with an icicle, All: Please? >DJ raised his right hand and contemplated it, Rebecca: Out damned spot. Mohan (dog): ARF! Tsuneo: Wrong 'Spot', Mo! >smeared >with crimson, for a moment; then he looked down at Rei's pale, drawn >face and used his sleeve to wipe away some of the cold sweat standing >on her brow, Mohan: Was that with the blood-stained hand? I just think that's important. >hoping she could at least draw some comfort from his >presence and concern. SAMANTHA: But all she gathered was disgust at being touched by him. > Looking up at Ritsuko, he said, "All right, damn you, I'll do >it." > > You know, thought DJ to himself, it's really rather relaxing >in here. Except for that funny smell... Tsuneo: Which Shinji didn't notice until a few more episodes in. Mohan: Remember those superhuman senses? > With little ceremony and less courtesy, he'd been stripped of >his clothes and dressed in a bizarre one-piece garment with all the >charm of a wetsuit and not quite as much comfort. Mohan: Drake Tungsten, ready for action! Rebecca (DJ): You can want me now, if you must. I am the star, after all. Tsuneo: Ahhh... they didn't *have* a plug suit ready for Shinji at this point, remember? Samantha: It's that dang Plot Contivance Field again! >It had odd fittings >whose purpose he couldn't quite fathom, sensors in less than optimal >locations, Tsuneo: They're not sensors! They're taser points! Mohan: Cool it! Rebecca: And it feels so funny when he sits. Almost as if there's something... Mohan: You too! >and was made of a strange material that contracted rather >alarmingly when a control on the wrist was pressed, changing it from a >rather floppy jumpsuit to an altogether embarrassing spectacle. Rebecca (DJ): Now, you may all look at my area... Samantha: Becky, don't *ever* mention DJ's area again! Tsuneo(edging away): Oooooh-boy... Rebecca: I'll let you off this time. [Menacing] But *don't* you *ever* call me 'Becky' again. Samantha (uneasily): Ummm...OK. >Then >he'd been stuffed into a large white cylinder that looked like nothing >so much as a gigantic activated-charcoal cartridge for the world's >biggest swimming-pool filter. > So here he sat, sitting semi-upright in a nice padded seat in >a space about the size of a telephone booth. Samantha (Kimberly): Awesome stereo, though! Tsuneo: Actually, the Entry pugs interior is bigger then that.. but you can't argue with god boy here, just riff his stuff to hell. >The walls around him were covered in flexible display panels, Tsuneo: They're not flexible. Mohan: Shush. Tsuneo: No, seriously, they are not flexible! There's no reason for him to think that! Rebecca: Cool it, will ya? You'll just burn your brain out. >providing a seamless display >surface all the way around; at the moment they were offline and >displaying a lovely, comforting Mandelbrot set as a result. Samantha: The Mandel-hmm? >The >control panel before him was remarkably simple, consisting mainly of a >pair of butterfly grips on gimbals and a couple of unlabeled buttons. > It occurred to DJ that his hands were stinging, Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Ah, I see the poison's beginning to take effect. >as if he'd >scalded himself slightly testing too-hot bathwater. He wished >momentarily that there was some easy way to look at them - but the >gloves on his hands were attached to the arms of the plug suit, so he >would have to wait until he was done to investigate. He didn't >remember hurting himself - he hoped fervently that he wasn't allergic >to the material of the suit. Mohan: That would be hilarious though. >That would quickly become very, very unpleasant... Tsuneo: Alright, this is important...how? Rebecca: And remember, folks: Foreshadowing is your friend! > "DJ, can you hear me?" came Ritsuko's voice from a small >speaker on the instrument panel. Mohan (DJ): No I can't. Samantha (Ritsuko): But you just answered... Mohan (DJ): No I didn't! > "Yes, I hear you," replied DJ, abandoning that train of >thought. > "Are you ready?" > "As I'll ever be." > "Begin synchronization procedure. Power up Unit 01's >neurosystems and flood the entry plug." Rebecca: Screw up all continuity of series. Serve God boy. Get rid of other characters to make room for ego. Samantha: [Ritsuko] Insert the intensifier disk. Turn the control wheel eighteen degrees to the left. > The display panels changed from the Mandelbrot to a muted >color-test pattern, then cycled through a few others before settling >into a well-laid-out status display which, at the moment, was >reporting absolutely nothing. Tsuneo: Like it *should* since he's not Shinji. Mohan: Hold on, I since pain coming up... >DJ sat back and tried to clear his >mind, no mean feat for one as active as his. SAMANTHA: >He registered only brief >consternation as the entry plug filled from the bottom up with a cool >yellowish liquid; since they clearly didn't intend to drown him, Mohan: And how do you know that? >he >realized that it must be an oxygenation medium before Ritsuko informed >him of same over the speaker. Rebecca (DJ): Did I forget to mention I could read minds? Sorry 'bout that. >Belching out a great cloud of bubbles, >he fought down a brief spurt of nausea. Tsuneo: [Growling] Of course. It's not like DJ would panic or do anything human like that. Oooh, no. > "What fun," he muttered. SAMANTHA: You can say that again. > "Quit whining," Misato chided him. "You're a boy, aren't >you?" Tsuneo (snarling): A *little* *annoying* *boy*. Samantha: No, he's God. > DJ rolled his eyes, but said nothing. > Up in the control booth, Ritsuko watched with satisfaction as >the big board reported an orderly activation, nothing out of place, no >strange voltage spikes or stray neural pulses screwing the whole >delicate sequence up. Mohan: Oh look! It's the Magi that goes *BING*. >In fact, as the nerve blocks connected one by >one by one and the green of nominal status spread across the map, it >was clear to her that the mind of DJ Croft and whatever passed for the >mind of EVA-01 Samantha: Actually, you mixed those two up, but I'll forgive you this time. >were meshing with almost preternatural compatibility. Rebecca: Almost as if... it were contrived, somehow. Tsuneo:But...he's not Shinji...he shouldn't be able to... Samantha:Man, if we were bots, our minds would have blown up three times over by now. Mohan:'Bots'? Samantha:I'll explain later. > "Synchrotron is holding stable at 41.5%," reported the room's >chief console tech, dark-eyed Maya Ibuki. > "41.5%," Ritsuko repeated. Samantha (Ritsuko):Seasoning to a golden brown... > "Impressive for his first >synchronization... especially considering which EVA he's using." Tsuneo (irate): Gee, *funny* isn't it? > To DJ, this remarkable event passed more or less unnoticed, >except for a peculiar elongation of his Rebecca: [Shaking head] DJ sure gets off on some strange things. >senses. Rebecca: Oh. >His balance swam >momentarily, then re-established itself; now he felt precariously tall >and curiously braced up. Mohan (DJ): I'm huge! Samantha: Just like his ego. > Of course, he thought to himself; the EVA is >locked into position by all the gantries and the like. [Tsuneo starts emitting a low growl.] Rebecca: Anyone got a tranquilizer? >What a fascinating sensation... I could get to like this. Tsuneo: Just like I could like the feel of my hands around your throat. Samantha: I like how you think! > If only the people running the program weren't such jerks... (Tsuneo stiffens in anger, then settles back into the couch) > "You're synchronized. How does it feel?" asked Ritsuko. > "Can't describe it, really. Mostly, I feel... taller." Rebecca (DJ): Confident, dry and secure. > "You didn't freak out when we flooded the entry plug," she >observed. "That's a good sign." Mohan: It means you'll break down completely in a moment instead of slowly losing your sanity over a long time. > "I've used Hi-Ox Liquid Environment diving suits." > "For what?" SAMANTHA: You know... stuff... Rebecca: Think about it... Do you *really* want to know? > "There's nothing better for exploring shipwrecks. Don't tell >me you haven't read 'Into the Titanic'? It's got some of my best >work." Tsueno: Somewhere, James Cameron is crying. > "Is there anything you haven't done?" Rebecca: I haven't banged Rei or Asuka yet, but I'm pretty sure I'l get my chance. Mohan: I think you just jinxed it, Rebecca... > DJ paused, a slow grin spreading over his face; then he >replied, "I'll let you have that one for free, but in time you'll >learn not to ask me questions like that, Ritsuko my love." SAMANTHA: Be glad that I'm feeling merciful, you puny mortal. Tsuneo: Damn. It's official:We've found anime fan-fic's Marissa Picard. Mohan: A moment of respect everyone...(They pause in contemplation) Rebecca:*Well*, back to the show! > Ritsuko reddened slightly, but decided not to dignify that >obvious bait with an answer. Instead, she SAMANTHA: Activated Unit-01's self-destruction sequence. >turned to Dr. Ikari, who >stood at the back of the room, hands folded, observing the big board >with the ghost of a smile on his face. > "Can we really do this?" she asked him. > He nodded. "If we don't, humanity has no future." Tsuneo: So the choices are having an egotistical little brat as their savior or having the angels destroy all of humanity... GO ANGELS!!! KICK HIS BUTT SACHIEL!!! > Ritsuko returned his nod, looked pensive for a moment, then >turned to Misato. "He's all yours, Captain Katsuragi." Rebecca: Doesn't that happen later on? Mohan:No, that's saved for the dojinshi. Samantha:And how would *you* know about that stuff, hmmm? Mohan:Well, errmm...ummm... Rebecca:For some gold, we won't tell Sandara (Mohan grumbles) > Misato's smile melted away, replaced with a look of hard >professionalism, as she said to the console crew, "Prepare EVA-01 for >launch! We'll use Track 14." Tsuneo:Stand by...for *ACTION!* > Interlocks and more interlocks were released, catwalks were >moved, the EVA chamber was drained, and EVA-01, still attached to its >backing gantry, moved on a pair of magnetic tracks to one of the >sockets in the far wall. Above it, a series of hatches opened, giving >it a clear path to the surface almost a mile above. Mohan (sighs): montage...montage...montage... Tsuneo: You know, normally I'd be crying out for original footage, except that it invariably includes DJ. > "Exit path is clear. EVA-01 is ready for launch," Maya >reported. > "Lord," DJ muttered, "please don't let me fuck up." SAMANTHA: *gasp* Such language! > "Say again, EVA-01?" came Maya's reply. > "Er, I said everything's A-OK here." > "That's what I thought, EVA-01. Stand by for launch." Was >that a hint of a smile in Maya's voice? Rebecca: That would imply personality, something that she lacks in, due to her being in this fic. Samantha: Of course it was! Every girl starts drooling over DJ Croft, *especially* when he's being an arrogant little... > "Launch!" Misato ordered. Magnetic induction on the rails >running up the wall catapulted EVA-01's gantry, and the Evangelion >along with it, toward the surface. Rebecca (DJ): What I forgot my...YAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! > To DJ, it felt exactly like the time he and his mother had to >get to the top of a tall building without going inside; they'd >accomplished it by severing an external elevator cable and letting the >counterweight pull them to the top. Tsuneo: That's fine, except for what happens at the top. Rebecca: Once again I call Lara Croft's mothering talents into question. >He let out the same whoop he had on that occasion, too. Tsuneo (DJ):Being an expert of all things comes in handy! SAMANTHA: > Twenty seconds later, with much klaxoning and flashing of red >lights, a square hatch opened in the middle of a main street, and >EVA-01 popped up with a shuddering crash, coming to an abrupt stop >that hurled DJ against his seat harness and made him glad of the shock >protection afforded by the liquid-filled cockpit. Mohan: They *had* to build them so well, didn't they? >All around him, the >display panels showed him a 270-degree wraparound view of what the EVA >was seeing from its head-mounted eyes. Tsuneo: Well... Not to sound nitpicky... but... Rebecca: Go on, boy. Tsuneo: OF COURSE THEY'RE IN ITS FREAKING HEAD! WHERE ELSE WOULD FREAKING EYES BE? >He towered over the city; Mohan (Tick):The City, *My* The City... >only a few of the nearby buildings were taller. > Ten blocks down the street, the black, white and red >hunchbacked shape of the Angel swung toward the new arrival with >obvious interest. Rebecca (Sachiel): Oh, hi Derek! > "Release final interlock!" Tsuneo: And we've suddenly hit episode two. Mohan: How come the fic went by faster? Samantha: Oh, they just cut unimportant stuff, like characterization, drama and anything that didn't involve stroking DJ's ego. >Misato ordered; the bolts holding >EVA-01 to the gantry snapped back, and the machine lurched forward a >little, sagging slightly under its weight. DJ felt a momentary spike >of balance-related panic, the sort a person feels when he tips back an >unfamiliar swivel chair and thinks, wrongly, that he's about to fall >over backward. Tsuneo: Not that DJ would suffer *anything* like that. Rebecca: [Worriedly, to Tsuneo] You okay, pal? I'm beginning to get worried about you. > "OK, DJ," said Misato. "Concentrate on walking." > DJ did just that, and, with a trifle of hesitation, EVA-01 >took one thunderous step forward, the impact of its enormous footfall >shattering a nearby telephone kiosk. Mohan: And now, EVA-01 strolling across town. Tsuneo (EVA-01):'Scuse me. Pardon me. Sorry ma'am. Coming through... > He took another step, but misjudged the size of the EVA's feet >and caught one toe on the other ankle. His balance destroyed, DJ felt >the machine toppling. SAMANTHA: TIMMMMMBER!!! > "Ahh, bugger!" he declared as it crashed face-first to the >ground. Rebecca:Check it out! DJ actually screwed up in something! All except Tsuneo: Huzzah! Tsuneo: Of course, he has to have a *reason* to fall, other than just 'It's-my-first-time-piloting-an-EVA-so-what-do-you-expect.' > "Get up!" Misato cried. > "A work in progress," DJ replied - but before he could make >any significant progress toward that end, he felt the machine being >unceremoniously hauled to its feet, then beyond, hoisted up into the >air by the Angel. Tsuneo:Ut-oh, it's a Death Valley Driver! Mohan:No, I think it's a fisherman's suplex... > "EVA-01's AT Field isn't deploying," Maya reported. > "Trace the fault," Ritsuko ordered. SAMANTHA: Try wiggling the plug. > "No fault found - it's just not unfolding!" > "What the - ?!" > "AAARGH!" DJ calmly observed as the Angel seized EVA-01's head >in one hand and its left forearm in the other, then started doing its >best to pull one, the other, or both appendages off. Tsuneo: Yes, calmly observed while screaming his head off. > "DJ, relax," Ritsuko called. "That's not -your- arm! It's >just feedback from the neural link." Samantha: Oh, if only it was his real arm. > DJ would have found that information a tremendous comfort had >he in fact been able to hear it, but the fact was, he was in far too >much pain - Mohan: I may seem like a sadistic SOB for saying this but... (sighs blissfully) I feel so much better knowing he's in pain. Rebecca: You're not alone... >pain which spiked higher still when, with a splintering >crack, the EVA's left forearm snapped, leaving the hand dangling limp >and useless. SAMANTHA: And then there's his *other* limp and useless appendage. Tsuneo and Mohan (squirm in their seats): Yikes... > As the Angel's energy lance began pounding on EVA-01's head, >DJ's mind was in chaos, conflicting images of his own sound body and >the EVA's battered frame refusing to coexist in his brain, his sense >of identity collapsing entirely. He felt as if he wanted to scream, >but something was holding his mouth closed. Rebecca (grinning): How do you spell "smack-down"? Everyone else:Go Sachiel! Go Sachiel! > Then the EVA's armor gave way, and the machine went crashing >on its back into the wreckage of a building, sprawling insensate, a >fluid that seemed very like blood Tsuneo: Could it be that it _was_ blood? Others: Naaaah. >pouring from the massive wound in >the right side of its head, and DJ Croft's mind went totally blank. SAMANTHA: And this is different from the way he normally is? > "The Synchrotron's going crazy!" Maya cried, back in the >booth. "The pulses are flowing backward... all the neural interlocks >are coming apart! Unit 01's gone completely offline." Tsuneo: Could someone cue the stock footage please? It'd be simpler just to fast-forward through this drivel! > Having dispatched its foe, the Angel totally lost interest in >Unit 01. Turning its back, it returned to blasting at the ground, >trying to open a hole large enough to permit it to pass through and >attack the Geo-Front below. Rebecca (Sachiel):I have you at my mercy, so know I will promptly... ignore you. Ummm, okay. > In the cool and dim cockpit of the fallen EVA, Derek Joshua >Croft Mohan: So, he's the great Derek *Joshua* Croft, now... Rebecca: I can't understand why, but I feel 'Judas' would have been more appropriate. >regained a tiny splinter of consciousness. His head and arm >throbbed mercilessly, and the voice of Ritsuko demanding to know his >status hammered meaninglessly at his ears. Nothing made sense, >everything was chaos, who in God's name was he? Rebecca: A sad, pathetic, excuse of a god boy, *that's* what you are! Samantha:Marissa would eat this kid for lunch. Tsuneo:And I had *such* hope in him, too! > "Carry on, my wayward son." Rebecca: First one bad song and now another. > DJ's eyes snapped open. > She wasn't here, she couldn't be, but for just an instant, >he'd heard his mother's voice, telling him what she always told him >when giving him permission to go off on some solo expedition or >walkabout. > "I know who my mother is, thanks." > Yes. > And knowing her, I know who I am, too. > DJ smiled. > Thank you, Mum, wherever you are. Tsuneo: [Quietly] Oh, no. Please don't let this mean... [An ominous rumbling fills the theatre] Samantha: Take cover! [They are all blasted out of their seats by an invisible force that trashes most of the theater, leaving only a few seats standing. The four of them slowly struggle to their feet.] Mohan: What the hell was that? Samantha: I think we just got hit by the biggest plot contrivance ever. [They haul their seats upright and sit uncomfortably in them.] Rebecca: So, this means that... Tsuneo: Let's try not to think about it! > In the control room, the big board suddenly flooded with >green, and the Synchrotron spiked up to seventy-four percent. > > /* Kenny Loggins "Danger Zone" _Top Gun_ */ Tsuneo: This is beginning to remind me of the horrible dubbing that Animiego did of Riding Bean and the Bubblegum Crisis series. To be more exact, it's the replacement of fine Anime music with American dribble that's realy beginning to bug me. Rebecca: Not to mention the fact he can't even come up with some *good* fight scene music; ie: stuff that *hasn't* been overdone to death. > Its one remaining eye glowing like a beacon, Evangelion Unit >01 hauled itself to its feet. The already-cracked armor over the >lower part of its "face" cracked, then shattered, and it swung its jaw >open and let out an unearthly howl; Samantha, Rebecca and Mohan: TOGGGG! Tsuneo: What is this 'Togg'? > then it crouched until its knees >nearly touched the ground and kicked off effortlessly. > The Third Angel half-turned, facelessly unable to register >surprise, Tsuneo: Actually, it can and does. >as EVA-01 crashed down on it from above, smashing it >face-down to the ground, then sprang away, executed a tidy back >somersault (its power cable streaming picturesquely around it, then >settling well-behavedly behind) and touched down lightly a block or so >away. Mohan:That was...ummm, impressive. *Impossible*, given the particular pilot and EVA, but impresssive. SAMANTHA: Hah hah... [Sighs and takes out her katana and sharpening stone again] Who wants to form a lynching party to go after this guy once the fanfic is done? [proceeds to sharpen sword] Rebecca: Cool idea! [Slides back her left sleeve and pops the SMG out of her arificial arm] Tsuneo: [Pulls out vibrosword] Where do I sign up? > "OK," DJ understated cheerfully, "I think I've got motor >control down. How do I access the weapons systems?" Rebecca: [Sighs and puts her gun away] I guess this means that DJ won't be getting any psychological problems from driving that thing. Tsuneo:Oh, of course not! He's the spawn of Lara Croft and Agent Mulder. He's indestructible! (Stands up) I need a drink, I'll be right back! (stomps off) > "The EVA doesn't have any integral weapons," said Misato. Mohan: And she ain't surprised that DJ just upped the Sync rate to 74 percent? Oh, silly me for expecting this fic to keep the characters *in* character. > "No integral weapons? What silly sod designed -that-?" Rebecca: Okay, DJ, let's see *you* genetically engineer a god-like human, armour it, connect it up to a human soul, and then install some weapons, okay? Mohan: Don't tempt fate. You know he will. > Ignoring that outburst, Misato continued, "You have a >Progressive Knife available in the left pauldron, and there are >weapons caches throughout the city. See the building over to your >left about five blocks, with the red light flashing on the roof? >That's your nearest weapons block." > "It'll have to do, I suppose," replied DJ. SAMANTHA: This guy is really beginning to remind me of Adam Chris Leigh... and I *hate* Adam Chris Leigh!!! >The winglike >structure jutting up from the EVA's left shoulder popped open, >deploying a handle; reaching up with the unit's good hand, DJ grasped >it and drew it out, revealing what looked for all the world like a >Bowie knife suitable for transport by heavy rail. Mohan: The X-Acto knife of *DOOM!* > "Cute," he remarked >as the cutting edge of the blade began vibrating, heating to a white >glow. Rebecca: Cute is hardly the word I would use to describe you, DJ. In fact, I have quite a few *colorful* words to use... Voice of Washu: That's far enough. > The Angel had regained its feet, and as EVA-01 sprang forward >for the attack, it manifested its Absolute Terror Field. DJ grunted >as the EVA slammed into the wall of yellow energy, flinging him >against the straps again. "What the hell?!" he demanded, sparing a >snarl of consternation as the Progressive Knife bounced away and >disappeared between a couple of buildings. SAMANTHA: What an idiot. Can't even hold onto his weapon in a fight. (Tsuneo returns with some wine and some glasses. He procedes to fill up and give away each glass) > In the back of his mind came a whispery feeling, not a voice >but just a certainty: I know how to handle this. > Well, I wish you'd get on with it then, was the wordless >response. > The EVA raised its left arm, clenched the fist, and DJ felt >the sympathetic relief as the damaged area fused back together, >leaving it whole and undamaged. > "EVA-01's left forearm has been regenerated," Maya reported. Tsuneo:Just like that, huh? What are the odds? (swigs a drink from his glass.) > "IN-credible," Misato muttered. Rebecca: Misato muttered some other things after that line, but they were edited out later on. In order to keep the fanfic from hitting the PG-13 rating. > Thrusting its fingers into the Angel's AT Field, EVA-01 looked >for all the world like a man trying to force open a pair of >recalcitrant elevator doors, as the machine and the boy within bent >their collective will toward defeating the field that kept them from >their quarry. SAMANTHA: Oh! Recalaitrant! Collective! Quarry! Keep those big words coming Ben! > "EVA-01's AT Field has deployed!" called Maya with delight. Mohan: Must not let anger for DJ surviving surface... must not... >"It's neutralizing the Angel's phase space." > The yellow field disintegrated; with a wolfish grin, DJ drew >EVA-01's left fist back and drove it into the Angel's "face". > The Angel reeled back a couple of steps, twitched back, and >then unleashed a blast from the red gem on its chest, Tsuneo: From its eyes, actually. Rebecca: Shut up! >sending EVA-01 tumbling back several blocks. Tsuneo: Yeah! You go Sachiel! [Sachiel rises up from behind the couch and grabs the wine bottle to celebrate.] > "So that's the way it's gonna be, eh?" asked DJ as he got >EVA-01 to its feet again. "All right then." He made the machine leap >again, but this time, his target was not the Angel, but rather the >building Misato had pointed out earlier. Rebecca:Guys, this is quickly becoming Power Ranger-esque. Superjumping, energy beams... Not that I ever watch Power Rangers. Tsueno (coyly): Oh, of course not. > As he grounded the EVA next to it, the building slid open; >within, nestled in sockets and looking for all the world like gigantic >versions of regular hand weapons nestled in the foam of an expensive >gun case, were a pair of cannons - on the EVA's scale, big handguns, >slab-sided auto pistols that looked absurdly Glock-like given their >huge size. SAMANTHA: The people at Eidos Interactive must be ringing up their lawyers for a huge lawsuit about now. > DJ smiled. "You shouldn't have," he said, scooping them both >up and leaping back to the main drag again. > As soon as he landed, the Angel tried to let him have it with >that big beam blaster again, but this time DJ was ready for it; he >jumped the EVA back, turning another back somersault in midair, Mohan: Ah, that's a *lot* more fun to watch when Lara does it. Rebecca: You better hope I don't run into Sandara for a while. >and, >as it straightened at the peak of its arc and started to fall, he >dropped the sights onto the Angel and opened fire. It felt just like >shooting a jungle croc with a pair of .45s, Tsuneo: Loading Quake 2 into the combat sims was a *brilliant* idea! >except amplified to >EVA-scale like everything else, and for the first time, DJ Croft >really started to feel in control of the situation. Mohan: Then the situation took control of him and gave the patented BOOT to the head. > "Damn," Misato observed, SAMANTHA: DJ survived. >watching the big screen as EVA-01, >almost seeming to hang in mid-air for a second before dropping to a >crouching landing in the street, blazed away at the Angel, the shells >from its handcannons tearing huge chunks out of the monster's >blue-grey flesh. "This kid's a natural fighter." Rebecca: Like I'm a freakin' Olympic class figure skater! Tsuneo: First time in an EVA, and he's a better pilot than the first three Children combined... (takes a *large* swig from his champagne glass, and sighs) > "He's his mother's son," Ritsuko observed. Samantha: Does that mean he wears tight cothing and has breasts bigger then Pamela Anderson's? Mohan:This week on "Gold Digger", we explain why wedgies hurt, while painfully tight shorts don't... > The handcannons ran dry just as the Angel, persevering in its >dogged plodding, reached EVA-01; DJ dropped the spent weapons just in >time to intercept the monster's grasping hands, seizing it by its >wrists. Tsuneo (Sachiel): I love you! Samantha (EVA-01):It'll never work! > "Let's see how you like it, Sparky," he growled through >gritted teeth, hauling its arms out to either side and pulling with >all the EVA's considerable strength. Muscles bulged, twisted, tore >under the Angel's black skin, and then, with fountains of bluish-grey >goo, both arms tore off at the shoulder. Mohan: Fatality. Rebecca: Sachiel's been disarmed (She's bombarded by a hail of cushions!) OK! That was just bad! I know! >DJ tossed them aside and >drove EVA-01's fist into the Angel's chest again, sending the monster >over on its back; then he pounced on it, pounding again and again at >the gleaming red sphere embedded in the Angel's chest. Tsuneo: Did you guys know something that makes this whole scene very worrying? Mohan: Do tell. Tsuneo: EVAs are all female. [They all pause and look at the screen. Then, in sync, they all drain their glasses. Tsuneo refills them.] > To his consternation, the thing lunged at him one more time, >and this time, its shape changed. Liquid-like, the Angel's blackish >flesh poured around EVA-01, solidifying around it. The red sphere >began to glow, and DJ got the distinct impression that something very >unpleasant was about to happen. SAMANTHA: At last! Sachiel is going to use the Dragon Ball Z suicide explosion in a last ditch attempt to kill DJ! > A second later, the Angel self-destructed, exploding in a >towering mushroom-cloud blast that flattened most of the adjacent >blocks. Mohan: YES!!! Tsuneo: And there was a *hell* of a lot of celebration! [downs the rest of his champagne] > As the smoke cleared, though, EVA-01 strode out, standing >tall - scuffed, blackened and battered, but mainly unharmed. All: BOO!!! Rebecca: Grrrr! Tsuneo: No offence to Unit 01, but I wish this bit wasn't stock footage. >A cheer >went up in the control room even as Misato was ordering a recovery >crew to bring the unit in post-haste. > DJ was feeling pretty proud of himself at the moment, Tsuneo: And absolutely *no* emotional trauma! Mohan: Our hero, DJ Croft. All (bored): Yeah. > and had >just worked out a way to switch the view the main display was showing >him to an outside camera so he could take stock of his EVA's >condition. Tsuneo: It doesn't *have* an outside camera, you little piece of... >ight now he was looking at a close-up of its damaged >head, trying to guess the extent of the damage. SAMANTHA: Oh bugger... the wax job is ruined. > As he looked, the cracks in the purple armor over its good eye >widened, and then the whole left side and front of the EVA's "face" >slid away, falling to the ground. Below was a much less ornate >structure, a brownish-grey bullet-shaped affair that looked rather >more like a proper humanoid head. > Well, said DJ to himself, they did say 'artificial lifeform'. >I guess what I thought was its head was really just a helmet. Tsuneo: Where as Shinji freaked out. Mohan: So did he encounter EVA and Angel-type critters running about with his mom? He's being damn casual over *all* of this! > A slit appeared in the flat brownish-greyness of the inner >head, on the left side, and then, before DJ's wondering eyes, an eye - >not a sensor head, but a real, honest-to-goodness eyeball - popped >open, massive and green. Its pupil widened, then contracted, >revealing as it did three smaller pupils spaced equidistantly around >the central one. Through the still-synchronized link, DJ had the >sudden incredible feeling that he was watching himself watch himself >watch himself watch himself watch himself watch Tsuneo: And of course, he blames it on a feedback loop, rather than just plain losing his head. > "Check, please," he declared, and passed out. Rebecca: Finally! Something he ain't used to! Tsuneo: And he's always got to say a dang freaking catch-phrase, don't he? > In the control room, Ritsuko Akagi was saying much the same >thing as she observed a readout indicating that, during the combat, DJ >Croft and EVA-01 had, for a millisecond, hit a peak synchronization >ratio of eighty-seven percent. Tsuneo: But there's no way a *complete stranger* would have been able to... Mohan:Sir, deep controlled breaths. Focus. Samantha:Yeah, we've got a *lot* of this to go still... > For his part, Gendou Ikari merely smiled, and left the room. > Ensuring that Lara Croft didn't return from the Yucatan had >been a very expensive endeavor, but it had just paid for itself with >interest. Rebecca: Ah! How I miss the subtleness of this series? About as subtle as a mallet to the head. Mohan: [Shudders] Don't remind me. Please. We just finished that scene. >/* The Marcels "Blue Moon" _Billboard Top Rock 'n Roll Hits: 1961_ */ >NEXT EPISODE: Tsuneo:Stuff happens, It's really cool! > > - The Fourth Child! > - Rei Ayanami speaks! Samantha: Get me out of here! > - Find out what DJ's favorite food is! Mohan: Better yet: Don't! > - A bath scene! Tsuneo: AHHH!!! Rebecca (Misato):Service, service, service! ^_^ >All this and more, in the next pulse-pounding Tsuneo: --Head exploding-- >episode of Neon >Exodus Evangelion, due for release on 7/9/1997! Don't miss it! SAMANTHA: After hearing about the bath scene, I'll be *damn* sure to miss it! (They all wearily get out of the video room) [Club Anipike-The customers pause abruptly as the doors to the video room swing open. In unison, Rebecca, Tsueno, Samantha and Mohan step out, each with a baffled, shell-shocked expression on their faces.] Washu (bemused):So...how was the first episode of Neon Exodus Evangelion? Tsueno (turns to Samantha):Is there a training facility around here? Samantha (with an anxious grin):Actually we've installed a Holocabana here recently. Rebecca: Yes, we really should...*practice* right now! Mohan (nodding happily): YES! Practice! That's what we need. [They quickly run together into the Holocabana. The doors shut, and the sound of gun-fire and the hums of energy blasts are heard within...] Washu (in awe):That bad, huh?... So ends the first episode of NXE! There's a lot more to go, so stay tuned! >But what the hell d'you need >-me- for?" he asked, running a hand over his thick black thatch of >hair. "I mean, granted, I -am- the world's most handsome and >sophisticated fourteen-year-old boy, but what good is that to NERV?"