Studios & SVAM Presents... Neon Exodus Evangelion 1:3 MSTed by Tim McLees, Alex Fauth, Max Fauth, and Jamie Jeans Tim's notes:Well, it took a long time, mainly because of school and reorganizing the site. Jamie has moved on to other projects (Like the new Revenge series, hint hint ^_^) Oh, and there's a few AAA teasers in the host segments, just a warning. Enjoy! Max's Notes: AAVM Teasers... Oh, no. Do you think we can go a single chapter without plugging something? No? Never mind. DJ returns to his chapter two pattern here and is even worse... Read on if you dare! Alex's Notes: Well... I actually don't mind Jon. He seems to be an alright guy, which just means that DJ totally overshadows him. DJ, of course, is his usual, wonderful self. I'm really enjoying this series in a warped kind of way. Jamie's Notes: What the hell can I say for a series where the authors have replaced Shinji, not the web master, with an arrogant son of a bitch whom we wish would get killed by the angels? Plenty, actually. You see, the whole theme of Neon Genesis Evangellion is pessimisism where, unlike most other Anime, you couldn't tell if they, the good guys, would win by the end of the show. Not only that but we always felt sorry for each character on one form or another. Introducing characters that do not belong in the series, and replace the main stars, not only screws up the whole feel of the story, but any and all sub plots that depend on the original characters. That was the other major part of the original, and awesome, Anime. Feeling sorry for the characters to the point of crying out 'NO!' whenever they're beaten down connets us with them on an emotional level few other Anime's can reach. The only other exception is the wild cheering I do whenever Happosai gets his ass kicked in Ranma 1/2, but I'm digressing. :) Once Shinji was out of the picture, any connection with the series we, the readers, could have had was gone. Sure the series is well written, sure it's descriptive, and it also has very little grammar and spelling mistakes. But not even the best correct writing form can help a story based surely upon a character whose ego is bigger then most small countries in Europe. I know this may all seem like babbling on my part but hey, that's my say. Frankly, I'm glad this is the last time I'm working on this series. It's a god damned shame to see such a great Anime being ripped to shreds and twisted into this horrible parody. I can almost imagine the creator of NGE going apeshit if he ever read this. ________________________________________________________________________ [Nav enters the club, clothes marked with a few splatters of blue and yellow paint.] Nav: I told ya, kid. Maybe you'll learn to respect me a bit more. [Rebecca enters after him, splattered with a few more hits from red and yellow paint.] Rebecca: Well, I still got you good a few times. I still think they should have let me use my forearm gun... [DJ Croft enters the club slowly behind Rebecca. He is covered head-to- toe in red and blue paint.] DJ: I still say that the two of you ganging up was more than a touch unfair. Rebecca: Well, sorry. Like I said, you just happened to get caught in the crossfire. Nav: And I know for sure that I wasn't going to pass up such a good target. Samantha: [walking up] Like you ever did before, kid. Nav: And who are you calling a kid? Samantha: If you don't know then I'm not telling you. [spots DJ] Oh, what a shame. You lost. DJ: These two ganged up on me! It was unfair sportmanship! Samantha: They did? [looks at Nav and Rebecca] Come on, I'll buy you two a drink. Rebecca: You're not having one, are you? Samantha: No. I had enough beer last time to last me a few days. Washu: [walks up] You'll have to wait later for that drink Sam, the next chapter of NXE is ready to be reviewed. Samantha: *sigh* I'll buy you that drink later, Nav. Nav: Okay. Catch ya later. ***** [Samantha, Tsuneo, Rebecca, and Mohan enter the theater and takes their seats in the front row.] Samantha: This time, I ain't getting drunk. Alcohol simply won't make me a better riffer. > /* Genesis "Land of Confusion" _Invisible Touch_ */ > > EYRIE PRODUCTIONS, UNLIMITED > presents Mohan: A film by Haim Saban... Samantha: Crap. Tsuneo: Same difference > > NEON EXODUS EVANGELION Rebecca: Hey, you were right, Samantha. Samantha: [shrugs] I try. > EXODUS 1:3 - CATCH OF THE DAY Mohan: Hmm... Wasn't this one where Shinji got the crap beaten out of him by that school kid? Tseuno: Toji, yeah. Mohan: Hmm... I might like this one after all. Rebecca: Unfortunately, he's gone now. Samantha: Dammit! > Inspired by NEON GENESIS EVANGELION created by Hideaki Anno, Gainax, Mohan (DJ): And a whole lot of other people I can't be bothered mentioning. > et al. Samantha: [looks closely] It's an anagram for late. Mohan: Hey, it is. Samantha: [smiling] Anymore compliments and my ego's gonna get bloated ya know. > Most characters created by Hideaki Anno and Yoshiyuki Sadamoto > except Tsuneo: However... Rebecca: Notice the dramatic pause. Samantha: Like the same kind before an execution squad fires. > DJ Croft created by Benjamin D. Hutchins > and > Jon Ellison created by Larry Mann Samantha: Oh yay. Two Author Avatar's... Why did I decide to go sober on this one? > Additional material and inspiration cadged from TOMB RAIDER by Core > Design, Ltd., X-COM: UFO DEFENSE and sequels from MPS Labs (whoever > owns them nowadays), THE X-FILES created by Chris Carter, and > 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY by Arthur C. Clarke Mohan: Wait, he's added one: 2001. Tsuneo: I'm expecting Star Wars and the Samurai Pizza Cats to end up there, eventually. Samantha: 2001: The number of crossovers by the time we're finished here. > Written by Benjamin D. Hutchins and Larry Mann > Aided and abetted by the Eyrie Productions, Unlimited crew > and special-guest-for-life Phil Moyer Mohan: Three counts of adided and abetted. Rebecca: The punishment shall be death by chocolate. Samantha (sighs): I haven't had chocolate for so long. > (c) 1997 Eyrie Productions, Unlimited > > > In the large, modern apartment block at 22 Lee Street in >Worcester-3, Samantha: A young man was preparing to hack his way into the New York Stock Exchange and bring it to a grinding halt. >very near the campus of the Worcester-3 Polytechnic Institute, Mohan (singing softly): ...Just another guy in a red jumpsuit... Tsuneo (announcer): Here at DeVry, you can work on computers made in 1978 >a young man named DJ Croft was engaged in the most timeless of rituals. Samantha: Masterbation. Rebecca: Damn! You beat me too it! Tsuneo: You're embarassments, both of you! Samantha: Ah, you're just jealous that you can't make such sick comments. >He was undertaking a job almost unchanged in principle >and practice since the first days that humanity's antecedents started >growing crops and gathering food rather than constantly hunting on >foot (a decision that brought with it the complex and incomprehensible >concepts of real-estate escrow and transcontinental bulk shipping): Mohan: We've switched to a Western Civ seminar, all of the sudden... Rebecca (horrified): He's in the world's oldest proffesion!? Tsuneo: Ummm...no, Rebecca. Samantha: Well, he *is* fourteen, so puberty's kicked in and he gets funny feelings around women.... > Unpacking his stuff. Samantha: Oh. Tsuneo: Could have just *said* that... Mohan: What, and rush to the characterization? Tsuneo: Natch. > The room he'd been given in Apartment 3-D Rebecca: "DJ's Apartment", now in 3D! >was fairly large, >though not as large as his room back at Crofthenge, his mother's >estate in Northamptonshire. Tsuneo (snide): Well of course it wasn't, DJ... Samantha (Author): Let's see...I'll compress the names of several towns to create an entirely new city! Mohan: Well, there *might* be a town named that. Samantha: Look, if you get a map of England and find it, I'll retract that comment. >He'd awakened that morning around 7 to >find the ceiling unfamiliar, the walls bare, Samantha: The furniture gone and himself bound and gagged. Poor DJ had been the victim of another house break in. >the furniture >unembellished and spartan; entirely not to his liking. So he'd dug up >his toiletries, gone to install them in the bathroom, Rebecca: Bathroom 95 is examining your system... Samantha: You have made an illegal operation. This bathroom will be shut down. Mohan (baffled): What would be an illegal operation in... nevermind... >and brushed his teeth while he was there, Tsuneo: We needed to know that. I'm sure this is vital to the story as a whole. >then found a clean t-shirt and a pair of >good knee-length shorts in his luggage. Thus dressed, he could set >about unpacking the rest of his things. Tsuneo: INTENSE HYGEINE ACTION! Samantha: No one will be seated during "DJ's Usual Morning". [pause] Which hopefully has nothing to do with Jeffery 'One-shot' Wong's Usagi's Usual Morning series. Mohan [shudders]: Gods... Rebecca [smirks at Mohan]: You read this stuff when Sandara's away, admit it. > He had only packed for a two-month excursion to a >special-interests school for "youth with talents in the areas of >English literature and world history" - summer camp for bookworms, he >liked to think of it as - and as such, was woefully underequipped with >books. Samantha: So he packed for a place that's for bookworms and he didn't bring enough books... [blinks] I'm gonna stop before my head explodes. >Why, the stock he'd brought with him only filled half of the >room's one large bookshelf Tsuneo: Oh, darn, DJ, an area of the world you can't dominate. Samantha: It's strange. I've only read two chapters, yet I feel like I've known him for years. >- he would have to find out about his pay >scale, perhaps draw an advance, and find a bookstore to descend on >very soon. And install more bookshelves along the room's mostly bare >walls. > The room was rectangular, about eight feet by sixteen. Tsuneo (GM): The walls are grey, cracked stone. The mildewed rug in front covers a spike trap that--WAIT! No! Ignore that last part! Mohan (Bob Vila): Today, Bob and I are renovating Misato's apartment. Don't expect to hear from us in a while. >One of >the narrow ends was dominated by a picture window that looked out onto >the corner of Park Avenue and Institute Road, the two major roads >forming the arms of the right triangle whose hypotenuse was Lee >Street; Samantha: Whoa... uh, huh? Hypotenuse? Did we step into a math class all of a sudden? Rebecca: Nice detailed scene description. [pause] WILL YOU GET ON WITH IT!? >the other had a wide counter set into it, with a set of >pigeonholes built into the wall behind, serving as an integral desk. >One of the long side walls was bare; the other had a closet, the >bookshelf and a dresser unit built in, as well as, in the end of the >room opposite the window, Samantha: Snipers were waiting for a clear shot... >the door leading to the rest of the >apartment. The head of the bed was toward the windows, against the >univent that provided heating for the room. Tsuneo (GM): Oh, and there's a group of five trolls here, too. And *boy* they look mad! Mohan (sighs nostalgically): This brings back memories... Samantha (Authour): And jume guess: The Lost Ark? Rebecca: Knowing who DJ travelled with, it wouldn't be suprising. Samantha [smiles] (chanting): Open it... open it... open it... open it... >- his computer, Samantha: Oh, okay... Mohan: And why'd he bring that to a summer camp, anyway? Rebecca: So he can download net porn. Why else? >a monolithic black slab of late-twentieth-century electronic >genius that still hadn't been equaled in the modern personal-computer >marketplace (at least by DJ's standards). Tsuneo (Bitterly): Of course. *He's* the expert, and *nothing's* up to his standards. Rebecca: Hold on, man. Still the opening scene. >It stood edge-on, >tower-style, four and a half feet high, two feet deep and six inches >wide, on the tabletop; Mohan: Nice subtle allusion here. Tsuneo (Hums the 2001 theme): duuunn...Dunnnn...DUNNNN...*DA-DUNNN!* Rebecca: What kind of electronics are ya fitting into a six-inch wide tower? Samantha: Those video cards that get the porn looking *real* good! Mohan: Download it into your *pants!* [stands up and crotch chops] Tsuneo: Mohan! The channeling thing again... Mohan: Sorry, sorry... [sits back down] > a thick cable connected it to the power supply >in the wall. Hunting under the table, DJ found an RJ45 Ethernet tap; Rebecca: Ah, my ethernet tap's way nicer than that. Tsuneo: We don't need to know this, do we? We really don't. Samantha: In fanfiction, there's no description, bare description, good description, and then there's this. >he didn't know if it was live, Samantha: GZZZZZ!!! (DJ, coughs) I guess it *is* live. >but connected a cable to it anyway, >plugging it into the Ethernet adapter on the back of the tower. > > Then he set up the monitor, a heavy seventeen-inch >old-fashioned color CRT display with the tube set off-center so that >there was a wide strip of bezel on the operator's right side of the >screen, and cabled on the input devices and printer. Tsuneo: Maybe this is a training video. I think we're certified computer assistants now! We can be Geeks on Wheels (tm) Rebecca (panicking): I can't find the "Any" key! Samantha [pointing wildly at the screen]: I'm pointing at the folder, but nothing's happening! Rebecca: My computer won't start. Does it have anything to do with the local blackout? Mohan: The footpad won't work! Tsuneo (flatly): 'Footpad'? >This left him >with one box of parts remaining, a box filled with the small black >cubes of peripheral I/O units; he would run the cables for those after >scouting out the best places around the apartment to put them. Samantha: Always notice that there's always parts left over after fixing something? Tsuneo: 'DJ set up his computer.' There goes the last page or so. > Now, it was time to check the machine itself. Crossing his >fingers, DJ switched on the monitor, then flicked the main power >switch on the back of the computer. All: (Imitates wiring frying, then a gigantic explosion.) > The cooling fan spooled up with a quiet whir; the screen >glowed, as did the round red lens mounted in the bezel. Block letters >appeared on the screen: Samantha: Hmmm... [reading] This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. > >HAL 14000 BIOS VER 1.1 4/5/98 Tsuneo: And to drive the inside joke home... > >POST >8192 MB RAM... OK >DISPLAY... HAL 17I PLUS >MASTER IOSYS... OK >PERIPHERAL IO... NONE >4096 GB CRMEM... OK > >LOADING HALOS 4.2... Mohan: [cocks his head, puzzled] Samantha: Does anyone here know what this means? I'm totally lost when it comes to computer systems. Rebecca [reading]: 8192 MB RAM...the hell? You could almost run Windows 98 with that. > As the final message appeared on the screen, a small speaker >mounted below the "eye" on the monitor bezel barked forth a short >song in two voices, forty-five or so seconds of rising and falling >electronic good cheer in F major. Tsuneo (Computer, singing): Daisy...Daisy... > > /* J.S. Bach (Wendy Carlos perf.) "Two-Part Invention in F Major" > _Switched-On Bach_ */ Samantha: And although DJ was happy with all of this. He became quite worried when the words "I am Jerry. I am Happy" appeared on the monitor. All others: ... Samantha: And then the psychologist asked, "What happens if Jerry gets mad?" > As it played, the door opened and Misato wandered in, hair >disheveled and eyes still heavy with sleep, wrapped up in a bedsheet >that trailed behind her. Samantha: God, I've had days like that. Mohan: The embarassment of 'morning face.' Tsuneo [cocks his head, regarding Misato]: Why the sheet? >"Whazzat?" she asked, pointing at the cheerfully emoting machine. Samantha: Oh Misato... stop drinking beer in the morning! It's a computer for crying out loud! Rebecca: I get the feeling that, by mid-morning, the *toaster* looks like a hi-powered computer to her. Samantha: If I had to drink all the beer she has to drink for those morning skits, *any*thing would look like a high-powered computer. > "Wait for it," replied DJ with a smile, holding up his hand. >The song finished, the acknowledgement "OK" appeared after the loading >message, and then the screen blanked. For a long moment, there was >silence. Samantha: (imitates wind blowing in the desert) Tsuneo: "Netscape detected, Netscape deleted..." Mohan: I am *so* lost with this computer stuff. > Then, in a wonderfully mellow, gently modulated male human >voice, the computer spoke. Rebecca (Computer): Norton Anti-Virus has detected Windows on your system. Do you wish to delete? Samantha: Ah! Every programmers dream. > "Good morning," it said. "I am a HAL 14000 series computer, >production number 1H00714. I first became operational at the HAL >plant in Urbana, Illinois, on August 14, 1999. The time is now eight >forty-five A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, Tuesday, July 14, 2015. I >detect no operational faults in any of my systems." A pause. "Hello, >DJ. Have we arrived?" Samantha: Ha ha! It's so funny! DJ has the AI computer from 2001: A Space Odessey! It's so funny! Come on laugh! Laugh! LAUGH DAMMIT!!! (sobs) Please? Tsuneo: [Puts arm around Samantha's shoulder] I'm sorry. I'd love to say it's a dream. > "8:45?!" Misato cried. "Is that thing right?!" Tsuneo: No. Poor HAL hasn't been right ever since Windows 98 was installed. Rebecca: Ahh, Microsoft: Where beta-testing is a public release. Samantha [has stopped sobbing]: Remember when that idiot demonstrated it in public and it crashed? Hah! What a hoot that was! Mohan: I'd say to lay of off this "Windows" if I knew what it was... > DJ raised his left hand, turned his palm up and checked his >wristwatch. "Yup." > "Oh my GOD I'm LATE!!" Misato declared, scrambling back to her >own room. Tsuneo: No. Misato's sloppy and disorganised, but she ain't late. NERV would grill her for that. Rebecca: Do you want your Misato rare or well done? Samantha: Well done... with some rice and... Sorry, I missed lunch. > "Who was that, DJ?" Hal inquired, mild curiosity in his >ever-mellow voice. Mohan (Hal): She is quite hot. > "It's a long story," replied DJ. "Let me get a drink Rebecca (Jean-Luc): Earl Gray tea, hot. Samantha: Is it such a good thing for the Shinji replacement to start drinking in the morning? >and I'll bring you up to date." Tsuneo (DJ): I find watching a boot-up screen more riveting than talking to an AI. > Receiving final clearance for its landing, the nondescript >white Learjet dropped out of the holding pattern over Worcester-3 and Samantha: Crashed in a blazing ball of fire! Oh the humanity of it all! Mohan: Getting dark early, I see. Samantha: Naw, just putting off the boredom of the fanfic. >began its final approach to the airport. The landing was executed >perfectly, and the small aircraft taxied up to the terminal without >incident and powered down. Rebecca (Cheery computer voice): Enemy powerup detected. > The ground crew immediately got to work securing the plane, as >the forward door unsealed and folded outward, All: (Hum 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind' theme) >forming an accommodation >ramp. A moment later the passengers began to emerge: several >casually-dressed men and women, one teenage boy, similarly dressed, >and a few more men in suits. They all wore sunglasses, but other than >that small detail a casual observer would find nothing unusual about >them. Tsuneo (random agent): Nope, nothing to see here. We're...umm..tourists! Yeah... Samantha: Oh sure... nothing unusal about a bunch of MIB agents transporting a kid. Mohan (Barbrady): What secret agency movements? That? That was a pigeon. > The group made their way into the terminal and then dispersed, Rebecca (badly dubbed): NINJA...VANISH! >the boy waving to the others and wishing them well during their shore >leave. Samantha (boy, loudly): GOODBYE! Tsuneo (Agent; loud whisper):Ixnay! We're not meant to be here! Rebecca: There went *that* covert operation... >The suits each headed in different directions, Mohan: Sometimes taking their occupants with them. >casually >perusing the displays in the gift stores, skimming through newspapers, >and generally doing their best to conceal the fact that they were >watching the boy like hawks. Rebecca (agent): Nope, I'm invisible, can't see me...Hey! The Cubs are doing pretty good this year. Half off Dorito's, too. Tsuneo: Sir, your paper's upside down. Mohan: Man, if they're ever inconspicuous. Samantha: God! I've seen Author Avatars do a better job. Mohan: Ahh... (gets a glare from Samantha, and promptly shuts up.) > The boy, for his part, took in all the sights around him as he >strolled through the airport concourse, heading toward the exit. Tsuneo: I get the feeling I'm going to like Jon. Samantha: Why's that? Tsuneo: Well, remember the last time this fic went to an airport with MiBs? Samantha: Oh yes... memories... scaring... searing... mental image inflicting... memories... >He >kept his pace slow, playing the part of an interested traveller taking >in a new environment. Samantha (Wildlife Announcer): The Traveller becomes alert and nervous whenever taken out of his natural habitat and placed in strange, new, surrondings. Rebecca (Jimbo): Ned! The Avatar's heading right for us! Mohan: Guys, be easy on Jon... for now. >In due course he had reached the outer doorway. Samantha (monotone): And what an exciting trip it was. >The doors parted, and he stepped out into the temperate air of >Worcester-3. Tsuneo: How can anyone call the air calm and sober when Worcester-3 is the target of the Angels? Mohan (Fargo accent): The monsters are a pain and all, but the weather's quite nice, dontcha know. Rebecca (Fargo Accent): Oh, ya! And the shopping, simply superb! > Almost as soon as he'd done this, he noticed the black sedan >parked not far away. Its sole occupant, a tall gray-haired man, got >out and waved. Tsuneo: Whoah, it's Fuyutski! When'd he show up? >The boy hefted his duffel bag on his shoulder and >closed the distance in fairly short order, recognizing the man almost >immediately. Samantha: No, hold on, it's Yosho Masaki. Tsuneo [squints]: Quincy? Samantha: Quincy and Gendou... oh man, that's a scary combination! > "Hello Jon," Otto Keller said when he arrived, a hint of a >smile on his face. Tsuneo: Huh? So Keller looks like Fuyutski? Samantha [rubbing her temple]: Another supporting EVA character just got replaced, didn't they? Rebecca: Why'd he get replaced anyway? Mohan: Perhaps the author didn't care for him. > "Colonel," Jonathan Ellison nodded in reply. "It's been a >while, sir." > "Indeed. I wish the circumstances were a little better," Mohan (Keller): What with Angels stomping around and all. Tsuneo (Keller): And did I mention this little brat we've got in? >Keller sighed, opening the trunk so Jon could stow his duffel. > > "Can't be helped, sir," Jon answered once that business had >been taken care of and he had planted himself in the passenger's seat >of the car. > > The trip to the Geo-Front happened mostly in silence. Neither >Jon nor Otto offered much in the line of small talk, Rebecca (Jon): I really hate golf. Hate the people who play it even more! Tsuneo (Otto): Then why did you ask? Rebecca (Jon): I'm not really one for small talk, you pr*ck. Mohan: The "Kids in the Hall" skit, ladies and gents... > and once Otto had >given Jon his copy of the Personnel Manual Jon was either paging >through it or taking in some aspect of the Worcester-3 scenery. Tsuneo: So which was it? You're the narrator, you tell us. Samantha: Ugh... how many more of these run on sentences are there going to be? I'm getting dizzy. Mohan: It's compound... Rebecca & Samantha: We know! Mohan [looks to Tsuneo]: We must have been English majors in previous lifetimes. >The >manual got less attention once they had passed through the entry >tunnel and reached the Geo-Front, as Jon gazed through the windows at >the seemingly endless sprawl of the underground complex. Samantha: ARGH!!! Rebecca: Jeez, Sam, you're spazzing out as bad a Tsuneo there! Tsuneo: Hey! I take that personally! [Points to Samantha] She's got nothing on me! Samantha: Sorry guys, it's just my Kefka memories coming back to haunt me. Mohan: Hold on, did the fic just lap itself? This is just like DJ's entrance back in Episode 1! >And once >they were on foot, moving through the maze of elevators and walkways >within Central Dogma, Jon didn't even bother with the manual, fully >occupied as he was with studying the route they were taking and >determining which passages led where. Tsuneo (Jon): Excuse me sir, but I think we're going in circles. > "Need a map," he remarked. > "I'll see if I can find one for you," Keller replied. He led >the way through the tangle of corridors to a massive black door; >there, he knocked, Mohan (from inside the door): The wizard's not in! Rebecca (Bursar): Go away! > and the door slid open to reveal a massive, mostly >empty office. At the far end was a large window with an unadorned >black datadesk before it; on the floor and ceiling were massive, >beautifully rendered diagrams of the Kabbalistic Sephiroth, the Tree >of Life. Rebecca [grinning slightly]: Mmm, Sephiroph... Mohan: Wrong one, Rebecca. Samantha: I swear, if this crosses over with Final Fantasy, I'm leaving! Tsuneo: He's gotten two computer games, why not a third? Rebecca [recovering]: Er... not that I like him or anything. Samantha: Uh-huh... he comes by the Anipike for a drink every now and then. Want me to set up a date for ya? > Jon understood the significance, if not the artistic appeal, >of the diagram, All: Plot point! >and paid it little mind, instead turning his attention >to the man and woman seated and standing behind the desk, >respectively, as he and Keller approached it. > "Professor Gendou Ikari, Project Leader," Rebecca: The grand poo-bah. >Keller said, >gesturing to the man and woman. "And Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, primary >science and medical officer for the project." Tsuneo (Keller): I'll be your waiter for this evening. Should you need anything... Samantha: This fanfic looks like it's gonna have more introductions then a Marrisa Picard story. > "Doctor, Professor," Jon nodded to each in turn. > "Welcome to NERV, Jon," Dr. Akagi replied, with a hint of a >smile. Rebecca (Ritsuko, plainly): Huzzah. Samantha: *gasp* Emotion! From Akagi! Quick! Someone take a picture! This happens only once every blue moon! >"We've heard quite a bit about you from Colonel Keller. You >are, of course, expected to live up to your reputation." Tsuneo: Which would be what? The most we've seen of him was him lounging in LCL so far. Rebecca: Now does that sound stodgy, or what? Mohan: Hopefully it's not a reputation like the one DJ's acquiring. > "Of course, Doctor," Jon replied evenly. > > "Ordinarily," Ikari said. "Your orientation would be >conducted by your commanding officer, Captain Katsuragi. But as it >happens she is unavailable at the moment, Samantha: Considering that she's dashing about like mad and probably dressing as she ran... >so we will outline your overall responsibilities at this time." Mohan (Gendo): This is where you will be preparing sandwiches. If your skill is exceptional, you stand a good chance of being promoted to fries... Tsuneo (Jon): Hell, a trained chimp could do that! Rebecca (Gendo): That's why you're here, and not DJ. > Jon nodded. Mohan: We're nodding... off. > Ikari stared directly into his eyes as he began. "You are now >under the exclusive authority of NERV, and you will be answerable only >to that authority, and no other." Samantha (Ikari): I'm the god. I'm the god!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! > "Yes sir," Jon answered neutrally, matching Ikari's gaze. > "You are expected to follow all orders given to you at all >times, and will avoid acting without direct authorization." > "Understood, sir." Samantha (Borg): We are Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistence in futile. Rebecca (sighs): Yup, a male Rei, alright. Mohan: I can't see this as a bad thing, yet. Rebecca: Well, it gives him an excuse for having zero personality. Tsuneo: Just watch it, miss. Samantha: You really like Rei, don't you? > "Have you familiarized yourself with the Personnel Manual?" >Ritsuko inquired. > "In progress, ma'am. I should be sufficiently acquainted with >NERV regulations in 48 hours." Samantha: And hopefully not with any of the women. Rebecca: That's DJ's department, after all. Mohan (Jon): I understand, a new Olsen Twins sit-com is a great idea. Tsuneo: Yikes! Samantha: [waks Mohan with a cushion] Mention that again and you *will* be hurt. > "Excellent," Ikari smiled slightly. "Those are your basic >obligations. Until the arrival of EVA-03 next Thursday, Mohan (Gendo): Damn post office, everything's late. >you will be >placed on reserve status. This should provide ample time to >familiarize yourself with the regulations as well as the layout of the >Geo-Front. Samantha: There's a good Ryoga joke in here. I just can't find it. >Your commanding officer will be returning within a few >hours. The orientation will continue then under her direction." > > "Yes sir. A question, if I may?" Samantha (Gendou): No. *BANG* Pity. He seemed like a good underling. Tsuneo: That's not funny, Samantha... Samantha: Hey, this is Gendou. He probably *would* do that. Mohan: Apparently, Tsuneo knows a lot more about this series than we do. > "Go on." > "Why is EVA-03's arrival lagging so far behind my own?" > "There's only one aircraft in the world capable of airlifting >an Evangelion - Rebecca: The EM-50: Urban Assault Vehicle! > NERV's custom-built Antonov AN-411 transport," Mohan: Can I have a plane like that? Rebecca: You can't fly. Mohan: I can to fly. I'm an excellent pilot. When I'm not wearing my underpants. Tsuneo: Er... Okaaaaaay. Samantha: You're really enjoying not having Sandara around, aren't you Mohan. [Mohan shrugs sheepishly.] >Keller >answered. "Regulations require it to remain on station in Worcester-3 >in case one of the operational EVAs requires an airlift in an >emergency situation." > > Jon nodded his understanding as Ikari went on, Rebecca: And on and on and on... Mohan (Jon): (snoring) Tsuneo: Have some angst or reflection going on during this down time, Ben. Something! Anything! >"For that >reason, EVA-03 has been shipped from X-COM Alcatraz to the Port of >Pleasanton, and is now on its way to Worcester-3 by fast rail. It's >expected to arrive Thursday morning." Samantha: But it got there a few days later. For even in the future, the mail service was *still* slow. Tsuneo: 21st century and they're still shipping stuff UPS. Rebecca: Damn! Unit 03 must be halfway to Murmansk by now! > Ritsuko picked up where Ikari had left off. "Your first >official reporting will be at 0900 tomorrow; we will be conducting a >synchronization test for the entire squad Samantha: Three young kids are a squad? Looks like future standards sure have fallen. Mohan: This is a new definition of the word 'squad,' right? >at that time. Until then, you are free to do as you wish." Rebecca (Jon): All right! Party! WOO HOO!!! >She removed a plastic ID card from >the clipboard she carried and handed it to Jon. "This is your >identification passcard; it will admit you to all areas of the >Geo-Front you are cleared for access to." Samantha: Except for the bottom levels. You see, you need to head back up and find both the red and blue keys then head back down. After that, there's a cyberdemon to fight in order to get the gold key and then... > Jon accepted the card, briefly examining both sides before >pocketing it. "Another question: when will my living arrangements be >taken care of?" > "Already done," Keller remarked. "Captain Katsuragi will >handle the particulars." Rebecca: When she's finished with DJ's 'particulars.' Samantha: Oh sure. Take my lines. Tsuneo: Who wants to clout her for that? Mohan: I'll do it this time. [brains Rebecca with a cushion.] > "Right," Jon nodded. "In that case, I will be ready for duty >at 0900 hours tomorrow." > "Excellent," Mohan (Monty Burns): Excellent. >Ikari replied. "Carry on, then, and welcome to NERV." Samantha: This doesn't sound like the loveable evil Gendou Ikari we all know and hate. Too damn nice. Tsuneo (Gendo): Thanks for shopping, and have a pleasent evening...now get out. > "Thank you, sir," Jon replied. > > "He's everything we could have hoped for," Ritsuko said after >Jon had departed, obviously impressed. "And then some." Rebecca (Ritsuko): And check out that tush! Wow! Mohan [bonks Rebecca with a cushion]: Naughty girl. Samantha: Yeah! I wanted that line! > "Yes indeed," Ikari agreed, with that smug smile. "Your >people have done well, Keller." Mohan (British): You've done well, my son. > "Respectfully, sir, they're not 'my people'. I haven't been >an X-COM officer in over five years; most of the personnel there now, >I've never actually met." Tsuneo: A former MiB working for NERV? That makes sense in a warped way. Samantha: I wonder if she still carries that flashing thing? > "Of course," replied Ikari dryly. Rebecca (Gendo): Now get me a drink. > Having established that the business of actually getting >settled in was not going to go any farther until he could find his CO, >Jon had set about trying to track her down. Samantha: But he gave up after an hour. Lost the scent. >The only other option was >to find someplace to sit and read the Personnel manual, something he >expected he would not be able to focus on until the accommodations >issue was dealt with. Mohan: Reading's a major plot element, isn't it? Tsuneo: Naw, they probably want to show how intellectual they're supposedly are. Samantha: And, if things get really bad, at least they got books to toss at the Angels. > His path was now taking him through the primary infirmary of >Central Dogma. He recalled some vague, peripheral conversation about >a member of the team being injured, Rebecca: Not that it's important or anything. >and now his instincts were telling >him to check this area out; perhaps she would be there, checking in on >her injured subordinate. Rebecca: Right! Off to the character meeting place! Samantha: Just to meet her, mind you. Nothing else. Tsuneo (muttering): They seem to be made for each other... [The others pause, realizing what Tsuneo just said.] Mohan (uneasy): Let's cross that bridge if we get to it, okay? Samantha: And besides, I've already got a boyfriend spaz *boy*... > His instincts had never been wrong yet, so when they told him >to stop at an open doorway he took their advice and did so. Tsuneo: So he's got sixth sense now? Mohan: Probably a natural part of being an Avatar. Eh, Sam? Samantha (cold): No, it is not. I'm not like you. Mohan (shrugs): I was an NPC psionicist, I was *supposed* to have contrived amounts of mental powers. Rebecca (coyly): Should we leave you two alone? Samantha [winks at Rebecca]: Naw... Mohan here probably wouldn't have the endurance for what *I* would do. Tsuneo: Hmmm... that smells like a challenge, Mo. >He found >himself looking into a room occupied by two people, one a patient, Mohan: The bandages were a subtle clue. >the other apparently a visitor. Samantha: Okay. PAUSE! [the fanfic pauses] Isn't Show # 3 of NGE where Shinji fights that jellyfish like Angel and gets the crap kicked out of him by Toji? Right? Mohan: Yes. But he's been convieniently written out and replaced by this Jon Ellison fellow. Tsuneo: Another unfortunate casualty of the P.C. Field. Play! Rebecca (to Samantha): Oh, and Shamshel was the-- Mohan (interrupting): Sometimes the jellyfish is *just* a jellyfish, okay ladies? >The visitor was a short, wiry fellow, >about his age, with dark hair, an unexpected shoulder holster and >half-closed eyes Samantha: He kind of reminds me of Fox Mulder when he was younger. Mohan: What a suprise. >which seemed solidly focused on the book he was >reading. Perhaps he was a guard? Samantha: Perhaps he was bored? Rebecca: Much like the audience. >The patient, in contrast, was a >pale young girl -- again, about his age -- with short silvery-blue >hair; Tsuneo: First it *looks* blue, now it's silvery-blue. So why hasn't he nagged about Misato's *purple* hair? Rebecca: Details, details. Samantha: Please, we have enough of those. >she too was focused intently on a book she held in her hands. >Only now did Jon notice the small stack of books next the chair where >the visitor sat. Samantha: Oh, DJ and Rei are having a reading contest. Mohan (Announcer): Books: Gateways...to Adventure! Rebecca (giggling): That was so cheesy, Mohan. > Looking at them, Jon abruptly felt an odd sense of kinship, (All hum Titanic theme) Mohan (DJ): Come, join us! I will show you the ways of *MEN!*... Tsuneo: Naughty! >and realized he might well be in the presence of two of his fellow >Children. That would explain the youth of the "guard". And if that >were the case, then perhaps they might know where Captain Katsuragi >was. That conclusion drawn, he rapped gently on the doorframe to get >their attention. "Pardon me, have you seen--" Samantha (British): Gray Poupon? My sandwich is quite dry without it. > That was when the girl actually looked up from her reading and >turned to face him. Her unbandaged ruby eye met Jon's own emerald >ones, and Jon's voice trailed off as the sense of kinship became far >more evident. Samantha: In other words, hormones had taken full control! Mohan (grins): Two Avatars deuling for a female character. This'll be fun. >The girl, for her part, was heard to inhale ever so >slightly sharper as she stared back at him, seeing something in his >eyes just as he saw something within hers, sensing a rapport, >connection... familiarity... (All hum Titanic theme) Samantha (dramatic): A... plot device... of some kind... Tsuneo: Something like the Highlander Immortal sense (zzrrrmmmm!) Rebecca (Rei): Root me. Mohan (Jon): Root me. Tsuneo: Man, so many people are going through Rei's head, you'd think it was a highway. > Mohan (Mystery Voice, taunting): But what am I? Samantha: Magic voice? Voice of Washu: Sorry, we tried to get her for in here but she wanted too much money. Samantha: Oh. > "You're the First(Fourth)," they abruptly stereoed. Mohan (Jon): She's mine, I tell ya, mine! > Unnoticed by either of them, DJ Croft arched an eyebrow, >wondering who this new fellow was and, more immediately, what was >going on here. Rebecca (DJ): She's mine, I tell ya! MINE! Mohan (whispering): Psst! Jon, cut him in half, we know you want to. Tsuneo: You two are enjoying this conflict a *bit* too much. >The moment passed as they both seemed to realize >they'd spoken and broke eye contact, Samantha: (imitates glass shattering) Mohan: Sha-doobie... >looking a bit embarrassed. It >was fairly easy to see in the newbie, whose face had reddened a >little. For one moment, nowhere near as long, Rei's cheeks also took >on a pinker hue, and then it was gone again. Tsuneo: Uh? Samantha: Okay, we all know that Rei was starting to grow more human in feelings, but wasn't that a bit too fast? >This only served to make DJ even more curious. > "Uh, yes," said Jon, still a little flustered. "I'm Jon >Ellison." > "Rei Ayanami," replied Rei. Samantha: Samantha Jones. Mohan: Mohan Ch'Kal. Rebecca: Rebecca Bartley. Tsuneo: Tsuneo Tateo. Get me outta here! > DJ glanced around to see if, perhaps, the rest of the room, >and himself, had gone to black and white, leaving Rei and Jon the only >things in color. Tsuneo (DJ, irritated): Hello? Am I in the room here? Mohan (Ditto): Excuse me! This scene's not focusing on *me!* I want more of *me* here! > As this didn't seem to be the case, he cleared his >throat preparatory to introducing himself as well. Rebecca: This *is* getting good... Mohan: [Morphs into his tiger hybrid from and growls] Samantha: Whoa! Down boy! [Mohan reverts to human form and grins at Samantha.] Samantha: And don't be getting any funny thoughts either... [eyes flash white] > This made Jon and Rei start in unison and turn to face him >with wide, startled, slightly guilty eyes, as if they had just been >surprised by an adult while doing something naughty. Samantha (British): On today's show, naughty parts. Rebecca: You two are naughty and need to be punished! Tsuneo: You're both nuts, you know that? Samantha: Well, it makes life more interesting. > "Sorry," said DJ. "Would you two like to be alone?" Mohan (slyly): *Jealous,* DJ? Rebecca: I'm going to sit back and watch this... Tsuneo: Fine. Whatever's gonna happen, can they leave us outta it? Samantha: No, we're the review group for this fanfic, remember? > This elicited an unprecedented reaction, as, for just a >moment, Rei Ayanami blushed dramatically, the flush of blood almost >glowing through her colorless skin. Tsuneo (Laughing slightly): Yeah. (Sniggers) That's right. (Begins laughing louder.) Gold ol' Rei Ayanami. Always so emotional. (Begins laughing hysterically) Note the way she expresses herself! Mohan: Snap out of it, man! Voice of Washu: Leave this to me. [A bucket of water materialises over Tsuneo's head and promptly upends itself, drenching him thouroughly. The bucket lands on his head for good measure.] Tsuneo: [Removes bucket] Thanks. I needed that. Samantha: [wringing water our of hair] Yeah, but did you have to hit me as well? >Then she recovered enough >composure to reply, "No... you can stay if you want." Samantha (sarcastic): Oh, I just had a nice thought. Maybe it's Jon that bangs Rei instead of DJ. Tsuneo (scoffs): It's an improvement over the uber-kid, not much, mind you, but still an improvement. Mohan: A wee bit bitter, eh guys? Samantha: Bitter, no. Sarcastic, yes. > DJ grinned, which made the fading blush return momentarily to >Rei's cheeks, Tsuneo: (Lets out a brief insane chuckle) Samantha: Hey Rebecca, your friend ain't doing too well. >then turned his attention to the still-flustered-looking >newcomer. "DJ Croft," he said. "The Fifth. 'Scuse me if I don't >shake," he added, holding up a bandaged hand. Before coming to see >Rei he'd had them redressed; they'd only mildly blistered and the >blisters had all gone down, Samantha: Damn! When he bangs himself, he goes hard! Mohan: Couldn't resist that one, could you? Rebecca: This bites, you're beating me to them. Tsuneo (rolls eyes): What a shame! Samantha (giggling hard and holding sides): I can't say it... *giggle* It's too easy. >but he was still absolutely mystified how >he'd burned them in the first place, and Ritsuko still wanted him to >keep them covered for another day. > "How did that happen?" inquired Jon. Samantha (DJ): In the bathroom. Oh, you mean how, not where. Heh heh. My mistake. Mohan: *Enough,* Samantha... Samantha: Hey, there's never enough! > "I'd like to know that myself," replied DJ with a rueful >grin. "Burnt myself on something, but I've no idea what." DJ >returned to his book. Rebecca: Could be the novel. I've heard it's a hot seller. (General groans of disgust.) Tsuneo: Bad pun! Bad BAD pun! > Jon stood next to the bed, feeling rather awkward; finally, >finding no really polite way to ask his next question, he just came >out with it. "Excuse me, but... why are you here?" Rebecca (The Tick): Because a big clown hit me! Mohan (evangelist): Why are *any* of us here, my friend? Have you considered your future in the afterlife? Tsuneo: Don't ever do that again, Mo. Mohan: My apologies. Scared myself there, as well. Samantha: I don't know what you're talking about so I won't ask. > DJ looked up. "Well, mate," he said without rancor, Samantha: But what does that beast from The Return of the Jedi have to do with anything? Tsuneono: Noun. Bitter, long-lasting resentment; deep-seated ill will. Rebecca: Like how we feel about DJ Croft. Mohan: Precisely. Tsuneo: I have to wonder why he feels the need to point out that he *doesn't* hate Jon. Samantha (Wildlife announcer): The male of the species becomes agitated and fidgety when a potential rival appears on his territoty. >"until >you showed up, it was the quietest room in the cave." He smiled and >went back to reading. Samantha: How rude. I thought royalty had the best in manners. > Jon looked at the spine of the book DJ was reading, and >discovered that it was entitled "The Titanic Conspiracy: Cover-Ups and >Mysteries of the World's Most Famous Sea Disaster". Mohan (whiny): It's a CONSPIRICY, man! It's got to be! Tsuneo: Mohan... you're channeling again... Mohan (coughs): Sorry. >How completely >bizarre. He glanced at the book Rei held; it was entitled "The Ghost >from the Grand Banks". Jon sensed a trend forming. Rebecca: You're not the only one. Tsuneo: I mean, the guy watches the X-Files and probably likes it. What do you expect? Mohan: Man, you're gonna get us torched for that. Tsuneo: I don't care. Samantha: I don't know you people. I really don't. >Feeling a distinct >lack of anything else to do, he picked up the book that sat on Rei's >bedstand ("A Night to Remember", Rebecca: (Tries to say something, but bursts out laughing) Samantha: I'll bet it was, what with the jello and the whip cream and that lifelike statue of the Over... Voice of Washu: Stop right there! >according to the cover), sat down in >the room's other chair, and began reading. Samantha (sarcastic): Oh man. Do a scene change. I'm not sure how much more of people reading books I can take! Tsuneo: Wait, our prayers are answered.. Rebecca [reading]: "Then, house explode." > Ritsuko Akagi was poring over some of the miles of sensor-log >printouts that DJ's session with EVA-01 Rebecca: GAH! [Falls off seat] Bad... image... won't go away... Mohan: She deserves it, you know. Samantha: Huh? [ Image hits] AHHH!!! >had generated, trying to come >to grips with the incredible sync performance the two had achieved >after EVA-01's head damage, Tsuneo: I think that indicates something important about DJ. [Rebecca climbs back onto her seat] >when she was distracted by a soft ping >from the computer console next to her desk. Samantha: Oh look! It's the machine that goes *PING*. >She knew the sound well; Rebecca: Her ham and cheese Hot Pocket was done. >it was the computer's equivalent of a throat-clearing, announcing that >the machine was about to say something to which Ritsuko ought pay >attention. Samantha: (imitates throat clearing and then spitting) Mohan (deep): "Answer unclear. Ask again...later." > DJ Croft would have recognized the computer in an instant had >he possessed any reason to enter Ritsuko's office. Mohan: Ah, he'll think of one. Samantha: Probably after unit 01's phone number. Rebecca: GAH! Tsuneo: [Grinning] Nice work. Samantha: Bet ya any money if he does get her number, it'll be 117. >It was a black, >desk-sized rostrum with an integral console similar to the >monitor/keyboard combination of DJ's own HAL 14000, Samantha: Hold on! So DJ has a miniature Magi sitting on his friggin' desktop? Tsuneo: Well. Rebecca: Hmm. Mohan: Damn. Samantha, do you still have some beer left over from last episode? Samantha: No, I drank it all, remember? >set against the >wall; beside it there was a doorway indicating that the room beyond >was a Class 1 clean area in which vacuum suits must be worn at all >times. Mohan: Leading off from her *office,* naturally. Rebecca: Hey, everyone's gotta have some private space. > The machine had started out as a second-generation >Heuristically-programmed ALgorithmic computer, almost identical to the >original HAL 9000 model developed (with much inspiration from "2001: A >Space Odyssey", Arthur C. Clarke's 1968 Journal of the International >Society of Electrical Engineers monograph on the possible applications >of AI in space exploration), Tsuneo: Heads up, gang, it's another historical interlude. Mohan (announcer): Technology: Working for you, for a better tommorow! Big boxes with blinking lights! Inserting cards into slots and pulling them out again! > by a group of enthusiastic graduate >students at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign in the early >1990s. Samantha: It also made this delicious cherry flavored Slushy. > That had been a long time ago, though. Since its construction >in 1994, SAL 9000 production number 1A00004 had passed through a >number of different hands and undergone a number of different >modifications, most of them custom and irreproducible, at the hands of >various operators. Rebecca: Hopefully, none of them worked at Microsoft. Mohan: What's so bad about this..."Microsoft" thing. Tsuneo: Long story... Samantha: *Really* long story. >By now, there was little left of the original >computer save the much-embellished hardware and the underpinnings, the >core layer, of the still-revolutionary self-aware HALOS operating >system. The computer even had a different name now, Mohan: Master Control. Tsuneo (Deep, Mechanical): I'm afraid I can't allow that, Stark. Samantha: As in Tony Stark? Tsuneo: Nah, just an odd Tron quote. Rebecca (Narrator): One scientist suggested "Skippy". I'm not sure why. > it had come so >far from being a base-model SAL 9000: it was called the Special >Heuristically Operational Data Accumulation Network computer, in honor >of its incredibly complex neuromimetic intelligence systems. Samantha: God damn it! If I want to read technobabble, I'll read a Star Trek fanfic! > "Dr. Akagi," said the computer, in a calm, quietly modulated >female voice - the distaff version of DJ's own computer's voice. > "What is it, SHODAN?" Samantha: Twisted relative of Rodan. Rebecca (Boldly): So, who's the most powerful Magi here? All: SHO'DAN! > inquired Ritsuko. She did not find it >at all unnerving that the computer spoke in the voice of her late >mother; all HAL and SAL computers with the HALOS switch for female >behavior emulation did. Mohan: A device that talked like my mom would freak *me* out. Samantha: And especially *her* mom, who she hated with a passion. Tsuneo: Don't worry; her mum *was* a freak. Rebecca: Like mother... >Dr. Naoko Akagi had been one of the two >great luminaries of neural-network research Mohan: She also made *damn* nice cookies. >at UIUC who had made the >HAL 9000 possible and helped found the HAL Corporation; the other, >Dr. Sivasubramanian Chandrasegarampillai, Tsuneo: Chad, for short. Samantha: Oh man... this is like the opposite of Thinkerisms... but it still retains the same result: migraines. >had been a shy and retiring >fellow, so his voice did not grace the male-emulation HALs. That was >just as well, since Dr. Chandra's Indian accent had been nearly >impenetrable. Tsuneo: You know, I gotta give this guy something. The way he tries to fill out the story with background and curiosities would be commendable if it wasn't so damn useless. > "I think you will be interested in this," said SHODAN. Mohan (boldly): Am I... the baddest CPU around? All: SHO'DAN! Rebecca: This is kinda fun... >The >monitor screen next to the computer's main 'eye' changed from >blankness to a slightly fisheyed view of Rei Ayanami's infirmary room, Mohan: Ooohhh... Rebecca (Ritsuko): Drat. Neon Exodus Evangelion is on... Tsuneo (SHODAN): It's Pay-per-view, so we can only see the first few minutes for free. >seen from a security camera high in one of the corners. In one corner >sat DJ Croft, slouching in an overstuffed chair with his back against >one arm and his legs hanging over the other, reading a large paperback >book. Samantha: Hey! He's reading Garfield comics! >Rei herself was sitting up in bed and also reading. And, in >the straight-backed chair on the other side of the bed, by the door, >the newly-arrived Fourth Child was -also- reading. Mohan: Thank god that's *all* they're doing. Rebecca (smirks): And you say *I'm* a pervert, Mo? Mohan:... Tsuneo: Well, she is, but never mind. Rebecca: Oh, Tsuneo... Tsuneo: [DJ] Why Unit 01! You look so darling in that dress! Rebecca: GAH! [Whacks Tsuneo hard with a cushion] Tsuneo: This is fun! Samantha: [Sighs and hits Tseuno with a cushion.] > "What's so interesting about this?" asked Ritsuko. Samantha: Beats me. > "Three fourteen-year-old children, unsupervised, reading >quietly. My reference material on juvenile development would seem to >indicate that this is most unusual behavior." Samantha: Yeah, God knows what they *could* be doing together. Tsuneo (sarcastically): That's plenty from all of you, *thanks*. Samantha: NEVER!!! > "These are most unusual children, SHODAN," said Ritsuko. Mohan: One last time? Rebecca: Yes... Mohan (boldly): Who's the meanest mutha-board this side of Silicon Valley? All: SHO'DAN! > "That is true. However, if you keep watching, I believe you >will see the other reason I find this behavior notable." Samantha (sarcastic): God damned the computer's right! Why, by all standards, those three kids should be running around and making life miserable for their parents! > Ritsuko watched. Tsuneo: Better her than us. >They went on reading, never speaking, never >looking at each other. She was about to ask SHODAN what was so >notable about this, when Rei and Jon simultaneously turned a page in >their respective books. > A few minutes later, they did it again. Samantha: Foreshadowing folks! Don't you just love it? Don't you just miss it? Mohan (sulking): *I* think they're interesting. Rebecca: And she's watching them for *minutes* on end! What a dull life she has. Tsuneo: Well, she is having an affair with Gendo. Samantha: What she saw in him, I have no idea. > And again. All: INTENSE PAGE TURNING ACTION! >Off in the corner, DJ kept reading at his own >pace, but every time Rei and Jon turned a page, they did so in perfect >unison - never looking at each other, never aware that they were doing >it at all. Samantha: Well, you never really know till someone shouts "PERVERT!" and slaps you. > "I apologize, SHODAN," said Ritsuko. "This -is- interesting. >Are you recording?" > "Of course." Rebecca (Ritsuko): Oh, wow...this is hot! Samantha: How bored is she if watching kids read intrests her? She needs to get out more. Mohan (fuming): Ummm...turn it! Change the channel! Tsuneo: ...Babylon 5, Voyager, even some professional wrestling, anything! Samantha: Hey! My boyfriend is in professional wrestling. Watch it! > "Please forward a copy of the relevant portion to Dr. Ikari >and request his comments." Rebecca: Forwarding boring portions of film and asking for commentary sounds dangerously familiar. > "Done." > Ritsuko kept watching, lost in thought, for several minutes >before turning back to the printouts she'd been studying. > Most interesting indeed. Tsuneo: Not... really, no... Mohan: Man, she is so *dull!* Samantha: But it makes you wonder... If Jon and Rei are as synchronized outside of Eva's as Shinji and Rei were... > Not long thereafter, Misato turned up looking for DJ; she >received a cordial greeting from Jon and a polite request for more >information regarding his status, which brought a smile from her. > > "You'll be our next-door neighbor," she said cheerily. Mohan: Now that's mighty convientient! Rebecca (Misato): PC Field increasing to 30%... >"Anybody hungry?" All: Yes. Samantha: Right, let's hit some little restaraunt when this is done. > "Always," DJ replied, replacing the stack of books in his >pack and putting "The Titanic Conspiracy" on the stand next to Rei's >bed. "If you finish 'Ghost' tonight, you can start on that next... if >you're not sick of the subject by now," he added. Samantha: You gotta admit this about DJ. At least he's nice to Rei. We all know where it's leading to, but at least he's nice to her. Just like Shinji... Rebecca: Well, there is that Jon fellow to consider... Mohan: First interesting conflict so far... Tsuneo: You're actually getting into this, aren't you. [The three look at each other nervously.] > Rei shook her head. "It's very interesting." > "Over a century later, the great ship still casts her spell," >said DJ with a smiling nod. "Mind you, most of the stuff in this book >is junk," he added, tapping "Conspiracy" on the cover, "but it's a fun >read. Later on, if you want, I'll show you some -real- conspiracy >evidence." Mohan: You see, I've found a loophole in section 1, Article B, line 26... Samantha (laughing): No, no! I can't say it! I'll laugh too hard! Rebecca? Please? Rebecca: As in: 'stains on Rei's dress' evidence? Tsuneo [eyes widen]: Eww... Mohna: That is *so* bad, Rebecca! Samantha: (laughing) > Rei nodded. "Thank you." > "Get well soon," said DJ, grinning. "They tell me I'll have >to do some actual work tomorrow, Samantha: I don't see how sitting in a tube full of liquid is work. Tsuneo: Diddums, DJ. Shouldn't he be at school, anyway? Mohan: Give the teachers history lessons. Rebecca [Rolls eyes]: Of course. >but I'll stop by when I can." > Rei looked as if e, but hadn't quite figured >out how to do so. Samantha (sarcastic): Gotta love the passion in that girl. [Tsuneo fumes unconfortablly.] Samantha: You okay Tseuno? [smiles] >She searched her mind for an appropriate reply for >a moment, finally settling on a quiet, "I... I'd like that." > DJ placed a gentle hand briefly on her shoulder, then followed >Misato into the hall. Samantha: But left the hand behind and grossed *everyone* out. >Jon lingered for a moment, giving Rei a searching look she returned. Mohan (Rei): Hmm. 4 days late. That'll cost you some late charges, you know. > The weird mental twinge he'd felt when >they first made eye contact had passed and did not return, but he >still felt as if there was something he was missing. Rebecca: Well, how about Unit 03? Tsuneo: GAH! Rebecca: (Snickers) > "It was nice meeting you," he finally said. > She nodded. "And you." > He turned to go, then stopped and looked back. "I'll see you >tomorrow?" he said, his tone making it a question. > Rei's reply was a simple, "I'll be here." Samantha (sarcastic): Oh, like Rei's going anywhere. Mohan: That was *almost* touching. > After a huge Chinese dinner at a downtown restaurant named >Ping's Garden ("Good job I didn't step on this place - I almost did," >DJ observed, noting the enormous footprint in the parking lot), Samantha: He obviously forgot about the dozens of other buildings he smashed into and countless vehicles he squashed while fighting the Third Angel. Tsuneo: This guy's concern for the city is amazing. >Misato and DJ showed Jon to his apartment. Rebecca (Misato): Now go away, kid, you bother me. > Jon had thought initially that being Captain Katsuragi's "next >door neighbor" meant that he would simply be located in the same >apartment building as Misato. But as it turned out this was a literal >description, for his apartment keycard led him to the flat right next >to Misato's. Samantha: Meaning that it would be easier for him to sneak over at night so that they could commence with their secret passion. Tsuneo (grumbles): I just give up! Samantha: About time! >That made him next door neighbors with almost the entire >rest of the squad as well, since DJ was under Misato's roof. Mohan: So almost the entire rest of the squad was DJ. And why's this a squad, anyway? >Not >unlike the quarters back at the old base, except this time he was in >the company of more people his own age. This would be different; he >had yet to determine if it would be interesting. Tsuneo: And we have yet to see if the Fourth Angel will arrive. Mohan: I'd prefer to postpone the eventual battle, myself. It might be as bad as the last one. > He politely declined his neighbors' offer to spend some time >in their apartment, watch some TV, unwind, whatever; Rebecca: Whoah-ho-ho! Just go ahead, and 'whatever' all night! Samantha: Bomp-chika-bow-wow. >he was tired and still felt rather awkward about the whole situation, Samantha: I could say something really sick here, but I think I used up my quota of sick comments already. Could I borrow some of yours, Rebecca? Rebecca (offended): NO! Samantha: Ah, you're no fun. >and wanted nothing more than to sleep. > > The apartment was, though Jon did not yet know that, a mirror >image of 3-D next door: smallish kitchen, handily large bath with >separate lavatory, Tsuneo (GM): "You're in a 15 x 15 chamber. It is completely dark, something attacks you..." Mohan: I fire a force missle! Tsuneo: You can't do that, you need a target. Mohan: I do. I fire...at the darkness! Rebecca (To Mohan): You've been an NPC *way* too long... >three nicely sized bedrooms and a living room with >a fold-a-couch and a TV/multicomm unit built into the wall. Samantha: Hopefully, no naked women will call on it. Tsuneo (Thinks deeply, then asks): Where are you pulling those from, Sam? Samantha: What? You didn't see *that* Sylvester Stallone movie? >It felt >cavernous after living in barracks for much of his life; Jon briefly >considered asking Rei if she'd be interested in rooming here, Samantha & Rebecca: Boom, boom, boom. Lets go back to my room, so we can do it all night, and you can make me feel right! Mohan: I'll let that slide. It was *way* too easy, and they make a nice couple. Tsuneo: Forever the optimist, ne? Mohan: I try. Someone around here has to be. Samantha (Amanda): Those with pure hearts are always the first to be sacrificed. >then >decided it would probably be wise to get some sleep before going any >farther with that concept. He barely knew her, after all. Samantha: Like that ever stopped Marta. [slaps hands over mouth] Damn. I didn't mean that one. Mohan (slyly): Is there something you're not telling us Samantha? Samantha (growls): No... there isn't... Rebecca (coughs out the words): Clothing Match. Samantha: [eyebrow twitch] > Hopefully, though, he could change that before too long. All: GAH! Rebecca: And now, the first event of the Eva self-insertion athletics, the five hundred meters chasing after Rei Ayanami. > He unslung his duffel and let it drop at the foot of the bed, >resolving to unpack it when he was a little more alert, likely after a >nice hot shower tomorrow morning. Samantha: Well, at least now I know when to flush the toilet. > That having been decided, he >stripped down to his undershorts and unceremoniously collapsed on the >bed. Samantha: *THUMP* Rebecca (muffled): Ow! My nose! > This was finally it, he mused to himself as he stared up at >the featureless ceiling. He was a part of NERV, under their command. >The preparation and training he'd been in for most of his life would >now be put to the test. Soon he, and Unit 03, would be facing the >Angels. Mohan (announcer): Opening up on the pitching mound against Aneheim is Jon Ellison... Tsuneo: Wrong Angels, Mohan. > Into the lion's den, he thought quietly, before losing >consciousness. Tsuneo: Ghack! An actual biblical reference! Samantha: And this is important in what way? > Except for a lack of any new arrivals, an annoying battery of >morning tests, Rebecca: Was that... of the *Washu* variety? (Dead silence.) Tsuneo [Cracks knuckles]: Never, ever do that again. Samantha [eyes blazing white]: That was low... that was *really* low... >and the continued presence of taciturn Jon, the >following week was more of the same. The next Thursday morning, >however, found DJ down in the EVA bay containing the newly-repaired >Unit 01. He stood on the catwalk at the machine's chest level, more >or less face to face with it; the purple-painted armor had been >replaced, hiding from view the brownish-gray organic head he'd seen >beneath. Samantha: Not to mention all those pimples. Yuck! Mohan: Some Extra-strength Oxy could take care of that. Rebecca (DJ, to EVA-01): You talkin' to me? I don't see anyone else here, so you must be talkin' to me! >He regarded it without fear. It had protected him well and >obeyed his commands without hesitation, and even standing outside it >without an interface headset on, he could feel a quiet vibe of >well-being and benevolence coming from it. Tsuneo (Awed): My god! Even Unit 01's out of character! Samantha: Maybe Eva Unit-01 was smoking some... >That feeling would have >struck him as weird, had he not encountered it before; but where the >unfamiliar can be frightening, the familiar is merely familiar. Samantha: Wow. That's deep. [long pause] Who wants a beer? Mohan: Where? Just where has this kid run into EVAs and Angels before? Tsuneo: Think about it, Mohan. Do you *actually* want to know? > The entry-plug suit he was wearing felt considerably better, >too. Mohan (singing boldly): Man, manly man, a man in tights... Rebecca: No he isn't! Samantha: I've seen those Entry-plug suits. How anyone can consider them feeling good is beyond me. Tsuneo (Muttered): Ah, I'd like to drive an EVA some day. Rebecca: You're a might old for that, ain't ya? >Ritsuko claimed that was because it had been made specially for >him, whereas the other had been made for a previous test pilot who was >no longer with the program ("It's not important," she'd said when he >asked who, a sure sign that it was important, but he wasn't cleared to >know it). Samantha: So, is Shinji gonna come back and kick DJ's butt or something? Rebecca: We can only hope... Tsuneo: Wait, so NERV offed Lara Croft so that...damn, that is cold. Mohan: Not out of character though. Rebecca: They got any job openings? >There were a lot of things about this place that stank >higher than a chunk of gorgonzola on a hot summer afternoon; the only >one of DJ's qualities that had the power to make him stay now was his >curiosity. Mohan: They pay's not bad either, and he looks damn smooth in a plug suit. Rebecca:... Tsuneo:You're frightening me, Mohan. Samantha: Plus his feelings for Rei. Can't forget that. Mohan: And this little 'saving the world' thing, but that's not important to him. > Well, and perhaps his sense of loyalty, though he could hardly >call Rei Ayanami or Misato Katsuragi a friend yet, could he? Samantha: Don't go there. Just don't go there. > DJ sighed and walked off the catwalk. Mohan (DJ, singing): I'm a model, you know what I mean, as I do my little turn on the catwalk... Rebecca (DJ, plummeting): Waaaaaaaaaaa! Splash! >He was due up above for >an operations test with the newly-repaired unit; he'd been down on the >catwalk engaging in that time-honored test pilot tradition, the >walkaround, and though EVA-01 had no tires to kick, he felt he'd >accomplished that mostly-symbolic goal. Samantha: So he kicked the head instead? Tsuneo (EVA-01): *BUMP* Ow! Quit it! > As he went, though, the bay lights flickered in that way that >meant the motors for the massive main doors were engaging, and sure >enough, a moment later they opened - to admit a gantry platform with >another Evangelion on it. Samantha: This was one painted white, for some strange reason. And the guy in the Kung-Fu robes *really* confused DJ. Mohan: Ergh... Thanks for bringing back that nugget of joy, Samantha, *really*. Samantha: I try. > DJ knew that EVA-01 was the test type, the second unit built >after the prototype as an endurance test article, only placed on >operational combat status out of necessity. The gleaming >black-and-red EVA Rebecca: Waaaa! Unit 03 painted black and red.... I like it! Samantha: I want one for Christmas! Voice of Jamie: Only if you're good. Mohan [Looking about]: Lady Misato should consider installing some Fourth Wall buffers in this theatre. Samantha: God, you are so sensitive. >being moved into position in the next revetment >over, proudly displaying "03" on its pauldrons, had to be a production >model - it was sleeker, less complex, slightly shorter. Mohan: We don't have the money, or the technology, but let's try to rebuild it anyway. Tsuneo: The new Child and EVA unit are plot points introduced *way* too early for my taste, if you ask me. >Like >EVA-01, it had two eyes, and a jawlike construct jutting out in front, >though its head was slightly sleeker and without the distinctive (and >apparently purposeless) "horn" on the front of 01's. Tsuneo: Actually... [Samantha, Rebecca and Mohan pelt him with cushions] Alright! Alright already! > DJ let out a low whistle, not only at the appearance of the >unit, but also at one of its markings. It had been very thoroughly >cleaned upon arrival, Samantha: With a buffing and *three* coats of wax. >before being placed in the EVA bay, but on its >narrow chest, a distinctive yellow roundel overlaid with a bright red >X could still clearly be seen. Rebecca: Oh, so Prof Xavier *is* funding this! Tsuneo: Well, the School for "Gifted Youngsters" kind of faltered after the Second Impact, so... Mohan: That's a crossover I'm not going to *begin* to fathom! > To most people, the symbol would have >been meaningless - perhaps a production mark or function-test proofing >mark - but to DJ Croft, it was very telling, indeed. Samantha: After all, he *is* DJ Croft, son of Lara Croft and Fox Mulder. Although how that happened, I'm still wondering about. [pause] Maybe it included lots of alcohol? Rebecca: Maybe it's at the conclusion of X-Raider. All: AACK! Samantha: Naw. It would mean that something happened in that fic. >He'd just seen >his first conclusive proof that X-COM not only still existed, but was >working hand in glove with NERV - which meant that both organizations >had to be controlled by SEELE. Mohan:Wedging that X-COM game element in with a crowbar, I see. Samantha: Would someone mind telling me who, or what, the heck SEELE is? Tsuneo: Ah, they just run the world and most of NERV's staff don't even know about them. Rebecca: Kinda like the illuminati, but not as funny. Samantha (sarcastic): Thank you. I'm *much* more enlightened now. > Very interesting indeed... but he had things to do right now, >and so he filed the thought away for later consideration. Rebecca: School work, attempting to finish Final Fantasy Tactics, you know, things. > > At three that afternoon, he was finally released. A shower to >get the LCL out of his hair, Samantha: Of which we were glad that no detail was provided. Mohan: Thanks Ben, you're a gentleman, after all. >a quick runover with a comb, and a change >of clothes, and he made his rather weary way to the control room. Samantha: Oh yeah, sitting in that entry plug must be damn tiring. Shinji didn't seem to be tired after one of those sessions. > He was tired because, once his synchronization with the >repaired EVA was reconfirmed (at sixty-seven percent, not bad for an >idle unit), Tsuneo: (Makes sounds half-way between laughing and choking.) Rebecca: He's gonna need something serious after this one. Samantha: How about a... BOOT TO THE HEAD! >they'd launched him into a testing ground outside the >city; he'd spent the rest of the day doing gunnery and hand-to-hand >drills against various and sundry automated decoys. Samantha: Which was really kind of dumb considering that they had a target room in the Geo-front for that sort of thing. It makes no sense, really! >As he'd expected, >he'd done best with the handcannons and scored only a lackluster >effectiveness rating with the Progressive Knife. Mohan (DJ): Oh, I've got a great gun! Hail to the king, baby! Samantha: Hmpf! Shinji could slice sandwich meat with that thing! He was that good with it! Rebecca: The feared X-Acto Knife of Doom makes a triumphant return! Tsuneo: My god! The uber-kid admits a failing. >He was tired and >hungry, but had a few miles to go before he could sleep. > Greetings went up from various and sundry console engineers as >he entered the control room; already, he'd become popular with them. Samantha: Especially after he gave them all that money. >He didn't complain at the long hours or the lack of a lunch break, >which they liked since they shared those inconveniences, and had an >amusing way of looking at the situation which had broken up the room >several times at his more pointed comments. Samantha: Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me he's a MSTier as well! Mohan: Actually, I've heard Ben's quite keen with that show... Tsuneo: You were the one mentioning Fourth Wall buffers, weren't you, Mo? Rebecca: Oh, lighten up. It's fun! > "Hey, DJ," called Maya Ibuki as he came around the end of her >console. "Good session today. You need to work on your Prog Knife >technique, though." Mohan: This is the part we were warned about in the previews... hold your heads, ladies and gentlemen, this is gonna *hurt!* > "Thanks, I know," he replied. "Listen, Maya... you've got >connections in the Equipment Section, don't you?" > "A few," Maya admitted. "Why?" Samantha: If I didn't know any better, I could have swore that that was Mulder up there, squirming his way in for an answer or two on a case. Tsuneo: Like father, like son... > "Well, there are a couple of modifications I was thinking of." Tsuneo: Oh, no you don't. > "Ohhh, no," said Maya, flipping a page in the ops manual on >her console and running quickly down the checklist printed there. >"Modifications have to go through the Office of the Project Director." > "Ikari? That'll take weeks, if he doesn't get his knickers in >a knot about equipment standardization Mohan: Sorry, what? You make this sound like a full-blown army, which it ain't. >and refuse altogether. It's >such a -simple- thing, Maya... I'd do it m'self if I could." He gave >her a sad look. Rebecca (Maya): You're not getting the car, DJ Mohan (DJ, whiny): Oh come on! Please??? Rebecca (Maya): No. > "No, DJ," she replied, clearly irresolute. "I could get in a >lot of trouble." > "Ah, c'mon, Maya my love," Tsuneo: Kill him. Rebecca: Hit him with a Magi, you know you want to. Samantha: Notice how much he cares for the security of her job? Touches ya, right here... [taps chest] >said DJ with that heartbreaking grin he'd inherited from his father. Samantha: It wasn't heart breaking, it was creepy! >"You know they can't do anything bad to you, you're irreplaceable." Tsuneo: You know, he's been fine up until now. Mohan: What, wanting to kick Unit 01? Tsuneo: Point. > Maya struggled to keep a smile from surfacing on her face as >she said, "I bet you call all women 'my love'." Mohan (technician): Activating Aura of Smooth! Tsuneo (technician): PC Field increasing to 40%... > "No," DJ replied honestly, "only the ones I love. Samantha: I feel really sick now. Tsuneo: Man, is he ever smooth... Ataru Moroboshi is more smooth than this kid! >Listen, >Maya, I'll beg if you want. I really, really need your help." > She tried to give him a long, hard look, but didn't pull it >off very well. "All right, what do you want?" she asked after a few >seconds. > DJ smiled. "Maya, you're the best. Samantha (DJ): I guess that drug I put in the coffee makers is working. Whoops! I said that aloud. Just ignore what I said. >Look here - we both know >I'm lousy with the Prog Knife, right, and it's not a very useful >weapon anyway, is it? Tsuneo: It just got rid of Shamshel, no need to consider it important. >Now there's no reason why we can't launch >EVA-01 with a weapon I'm better with - say a couple of hand cannons - >right?" Mohan (DJ): Oh, and rocket launchers! Those would be cool too! Oh, and a particle beam cannon, can't forget that! Tsuneo (Maya): Yeah! Let's add a pair of long range lasers while we're at it! Golly, why didn't *we* think of this? Samantha: Or we could give EVA-01 a bigger bustline, a tight shirt, a long ponytail, and a pair of short shorts. [They all stop and shudder.] > "It can't hold anything in its hands reliably with the power >off," Maya pointed out. Tsuneo: It does! In episode 3, this *very* episode, it is clearly seen to deploy with the rifle in its hand! And you're *not* going to clobber me for this, because it's yet another thing he's gotten dead wrong! Samantha: Shut up, sit back and just go along with it, okay? > "Doesn't have to," DJ replied. He picked up the note pad next >to her operations manual, clicked a pen and started sketching. Rebecca: Wow, DJ *is* going to design new weaponry for his EVA. Good call, Tsuneo. Tseuno (shrugs): I'm expecting him to carve "I lost to a 14-year-old uber-kid" into an Angel anytime now... Samantha: Marrisa Picard, eat your heart out! > Jon Ellison was unaccustomed to leisure time. Tsuneo: Just like Rei, I suppose? >At X-COM >Alcatraz there was always something he had to be doing: weapons >training, hand-to-hand combat training, technology training, studying >the Unknown Enemy from the Hidden War of 1999, Rebecca: Harassing the cadets. Going to frat parties... Tsuneo: Trading Ani-Mayhem cards. You know, stuff. >studying the events >surrounding Second Impact... there was always something official to be >doing or studying. > Now, though, he had nothing at all to do. Samantha: Hang out with Rei. That's an idea... wait, forget I just said that. Bad idea. Mohan: What? They're a cute couple! Tseuno (smirking): Keep telling yourself that. >He'd memorized the >personnel manual. EVA-03 had arrived, but was still being secured >and checked to make certain it had suffered no adverse consequences >from its cross-country move. Mohan: That sounds strangely foreboding. >Until it was deemed ready and tests were >scheduled, Jon had, effectively, nothing to do. Rebecca (Neil): Bored, Bored, Bored... I'm *BORED!* Samantha: Go bug DJ. I wouldn't mind that at all. > So he was sitting in the same chair he'd occupied yesterday >afternoon, in Rei Ayanami's infirmary room, reading. Tsuneo: And yet, back to reading! >He'd finished >"The Titanic Conspiracy" that morning and was now partway into "Into >the Titanic", Lara Croft's book about her expedition to the wreck, >with photos by DJ himself. Mohan (DJ): Yep, me and mom unearthed the treasures in the Titanic wreck. Collected some Dragonballs while we were at it, too! Rebecca: We don't need any *more* crossed-over elements, Mohan. Tsuneo: I assume it's a fairly recent book. Otherwise... >Rei hadn't been here the whole day - some >of the time she'd been out for tests, checkups, treatments. Mohan: You know. Stuff. Rebecca (Ike) Anal probe. Tsuneo: Will you stop that? Samantha [smiling] Make her... >The staff >either knew or didn't care who Jon was, Samantha: Did that include the Security? >though; he was allowed to >remain, unmolested, the whole time. Other than cordial greetings at >the meetings and partings, they'd exchanged not a word, which seemed >to suit them both. Samantha: Actually, I'd prefer Armani. > > The door slid open; Jon glanced up, expecting to see a group >of green-coated medtechs here to take the now-napping Rei off for >another set of tests, Tsuneo: Kinda cute when she's asleep. Mohan [looks at the sleeping Rei]: Aww... she is such an angel... Samantha (wryly): Heh. *Literally* an angel... > but instead, he saw DJ Croft, in shorts, Rebecca: AHHH!!! Samantha (singing): Who wears short shorts? I wear short shorts! Mohan [eyes widen in shock]: Oh, good. DJ Croft in little pants. Thanks! Tsuneo (Badly-dubbed kid): Ah! Eva, we need you! The Angel is attacking the city! >T-shirt, sandals and shoulder holster, his hands unbandaged. Mohan: Coming soon, the new album from Eyrie productions: DJ Croft, Unbandaged! >He >looked tired, but cheerful, and carried a festive, colorful bunch of >flowers in a glass vase which he set carefully on Rei's bedside table, >taking pains not to make any noise. Tsuneo: How charming, about as charming as a stomach pump. > Then he turned and offered Jon a gesture kind of like a >salute, Mohan: A TV-friendly gesture, I hope. > raising two fingers of his left hand to touch >the brim of the hat he wasn't wearing, before going to his corner chair and seating >himself as before, shoulders against the inside of one arm and knees >hanging over the other, facing the bed. > Samantha (DJ): AH! *THUMP* Guess he wasn't balanced right. > This time, though, he opened up his backpack, fixed his light >to the wall, and then, instead of getting out a book, he drew a pad of >paper from his pack, propping it against his knees. Then he flipped >open a flat plastic case, selected a pencil from within it, and began >plying it against the paper. Samantha: Oh! So DJ's an artist as well! And he's gonna draw a delightful picture of Rei with which to win her heart with... I think I'll puke now. Rebecca: Let's see: noble, adventurer, mech pilot, mech design, and now an artist. Extensive list of abilities, ain't it? Tsuneo: And he has "18-" in all of them, I bet. At least he doesn't announce *each* of his proffesions... Mohan: Man, I'm *definitely* gonna like seeing him and Jon beating each other up for Rei. >For half an hour or so, DJ focused >intently on the paper and what he was doing to it with the pencil, Mohan (DJ): Dammit! I keep on screwing up on the eyes! Tsuneo (DJ): And the head looks *huge*. Phackin' perspective...rrrr... >glancing up now and again but mostly keeping his eyes trained on the >surface before him. Periodically he would run the pencil's tip into a >portable electric sharpener for a second or so, to keep the point on. Samantha (giggles): Oh, that said on, not up... my bad. > > Jon kept reading, but glanced up every now and then, usually >at moments when the scratching of pencil on paper paused for a moment; >DJ never noticed or never cared that he was being watched. Rebecca (Jon): I like to watch... >At length, >he slowed, then stopped altogether; with a long look at Rei and >another at the paper, he nodded as if satisfied, Samantha (DJ, thinking): Well, I would have got the breasts right, but she was covered up. Oh well, good enough. >folded the cover of >the sketchpad shut, and put it and the pencil set back in his pack, >then fished out a new book. Mohan: This is about as crucial a plot element as horse racing. Wake me when it's over... > Jon was on the point of asking if DJ would show him what he'd >just drawn, Rebecca: Think, boy, do you really, really want to know? >but just as he drew the breath to ask, a curious and >unwelcome sensation invaded his thoughts: a strange, creeping, alien >feeling of dread. Samantha: Oh great! Jon has a Spider-sense! Tsuneo: It could be another Immortal (zrrrmmmmm!)... Rebecca: Or a disturbance in the Force. >In that moment, Jon understood what some of the >old-timers at X-COM Alcatraz had meant when they talked about feeling >like someone had just walked over their grave. Samantha: Something like "Ow, get off!" > > DJ heard him suck in a sharp breath and looked up to see the >taller boy's face go pale, almost as pale as Rei's. Rei herself >stirred, then awoke, her good eye sliding open and focusing on Jon. Mohan: This is...*almost* suspensful... Tsuneo: But what's brought it on? > "Something wrong?" Tsuneo: Yeah! We're stuck watching a warped, multi-authour, self-insertion fanfic where all the characters act like morons who drool over the worst case of munchkinism since Marissa Picard, and Rei's got emotions AND super-senses! (Starts sobbing) I just can't take it anymore... Samantha: Calm down, okay? No-one's forcing you to watch this. Tsuneo: I have to... someone has to. Rebecca (Sarcastic): How heroic. > Jon searched for some way of articulating the feeling, and >then it hit him what it had to mean. > "There's another Angel coming," he said. (Jazzy, end-of-episode music cues up from nowhere) Tsuneo [glaring at the speakers on the ceiling]: The hell? Washu's voice: Heh. Wrong show... Samantha: About time, too! Where were ya, Shamshel? On an extended coffee break? Mohan (Shamshel): Sorry, folks! The Giant Monster seminar was running late and the traffic was murder! Rebecca: We now return to the plot already in progress! > Under many, perhaps most, circumstances, DJ would have >scoffed, but the look on Jon's face was so serious and full of alarm >that DJ's instincts told him to believe. DJ always trusted his >instincts. Samantha: Except that one time in that Mayan ruins when he pulled that switch. Both he and Lara nearly got crushed by that boulder. Mohan: The shiny, candy-like switch... > "Well, c'mon, then," he said, dropping the book into his >backpack and standing. > "Where?" asked Jon. > "To the control room, of course. Sorry, love," he added to >Rei as he passed the bed. "We'll be back." Samantha (Arnold): I'll be back. > She said nothing, only nodded gravely, as Jon, his eyes >troubled, nodded to her and followed. Rebecca (Rei): Phew! Thought they'd never leave. Now I can call that cute Tenchi kid. Tsuneo: Been there, done that. Sucked the first time around. > "What's the trouble, you two?" asked Ritsuko as DJ and Jon >entered the control room. > "By the pricking of Jon's thumbs," said DJ, nodding toward the >other boy, "something wicked this way comes." Samantha: And if you believe that the first time around, then you are hardly mentally and physically sound. > "What?" Mohan (DJ): It's a badly paraphrased line of Shakespearean poetry, but never mind. > "I can't explain how, exactly," said Jon, reflecting ruefully >that the statement was true in more ways than he'd prefer, "but I'm >sure there's another Angel coming. It'll be here... " Jon searched >the images floating through his mind and found them ever easier to >interpret. "... within an hour, two at the outside." Mohan (Jon): Don't ask me how I know, I just *do*! Rebecca: You can actually do stuff like that, can't you Mohan? Mohan: If I'm lucky and my powers are cooperating, maybe. > "If this is some kind of a silly prank - " Ritsuko began, >leveling her glare not at Jon, but at DJ, who, she felt certain, was >the instigator. Rebecca (Ritsuko): I'll send you to your room with no TV all night! Tsuneo (little whiny kid): But... Rebecca (Ritsuko): No buts, young man! Samantha: DJ and butts... we all know that's coming later. > "It's no prank," Jon replied firmly. "I don't know how I >know, but I know." [Tsuneo, Rebecca, and Samantha look toward Mohan, who whistles innocently.] Rebecca: I bet that does come in handy. [Mohan nods.] > Misato looked from Ritsuko to Jon to DJ, considering. If DJ >had put Jon up to this, she didn't think he would have been able to >keep so straight a face, and Jon didn't seem the type to go along with >a silly, possibly dangerous, prank, especially not one proposed by >someone he barely knew. Samantha: Dangerous pranks, no. Whoopee cushions are A-O-kay though. >Besides, Jon was too serious and DJ too >experienced with them to joke about something as dire as an Angel >attack. She hadn't known either of them very long, but her instincts >told her to believe, and like DJ, Misato trusted her instincts. Rebecca: Yes, but would you trust Misato's? > "Sound general alarm," she ordered. "Commence civilian >evacuation, notify the relevant agencies, then retract the city. DJ, >you'd better suit up; we may need to launch EVA-01." Samantha: Ugh... more scenes with DJ in a tight suit. Just what my stomach didn't need. > Ritsuko glanced over at Misato, thinking to protest, but >Misato shot her the hard, sharp look that she knew so well. The glare >that could only come from the eyes of a dead-serious Misato Katsuragi >had warned Ritsuko off many times before. Rebecca: Cat Fight! (Samantha and Rebecca begin hissing and snarling) Tsuneo: Ah, the evil Xena Look of Death (tm). Uh, not that I watch that show. > "Nobody told me I'd have to be doing this every week," DJ >grumbled as he left the room, not bothering to point out that, in >fact, nobody had told him he'd have to be doing it at all. Tsuneo (DJ, grumbling): "Join the army" they said..."See the world!" they said... Rebecca: Big baby... Mohan (DJ, grumbling): I'd rather be sailing... > "Air attack is proving about as effective as we'd expected," >reported console tech John Trussell. Tsuneo: Who? Samantha: So are *any* of the NERV operators except Maya still around? Rebecca: Like Tsuneo said, Shigeru and Nerdboy have gotten real jobs. >Misato could see that from the >information displayed on the big tactical screen, but Samantha: Got extremely annoyed when someone start playing Missle Command on it. >nodded >acknowledgement anyway; though the Angel was still too far out for >visual contact, it had been on radar for twenty minutes now and was >definitely making a beeline for Worcester-3. Mohan: Even in the future, NERV utilizes the vast power... of RADAR! > And, as the board was >showing, it was making mincemeat of the squadron of NERV-attached >Raiden interceptors that she'd sent after it. Tsuneo: Uh... what *with,* precisely? Rebecca: And Shamshel's through the defensive line and going for the touchdown! > "Hostile is reaching the first defensive screen," Truss >reported. "As anticipated, it's ignoring artillery fire." Samantha: Which is just about as effective as bullets is against Godzilla. > Maya turned in her seat. "The National Guard is on line >three. General Webster is demanding that we launch an Evangelion >immediately." > "Officious jerk," Misato muttered. Samantha (muttering): Over used theasurus. > > "I'd've sent it anyway. >Activate EVA-01 and prepare it for an interception launch." Mohan: Ready, guys?... Samantha: Big Ass Blast! Tsuneo: Thunderbirds are go! Rebecca: Giant Robo! Mohan (Optimus Prime): And roll out! > > "Here we go again," DJ muttered to himself as the display >panels glowed to life around him, and he felt the gantry platform >moving him into position below one of the launch chutes. Mohan: And remember, DJ, don't use those external cameras. Tsuneo: (Noisily clears throat) > "EVA-01," Maya's voice announced, "confirm readiness for >launch?" > "Hit me," DJ replied. Samantha: Gladly! Tsuneo: Brilliant Keanu Reeves dialoge there... > "Launch EVA-01!" Misato ordered, and DJ was on his way. This >time, he didn't pop up right in the middle of the street; instead the >gantry popped up inside one of Worcester-3's numerous fake buildings, >whose front then accordioned open, revealing the violet war machine >within. Mohan (Unit 01): I'm big, mean, and part lime green! Tsuneo: (Ditto): Yes, that's right, the star of the show is here at last! > As the final interlock popped free, DJ started it forward. >This time there was no fumbling; EVA-01 took smooth, casual steps >forward, its power cable trailing behind it. Mohan: Made all his DEX checks, I see... Samantha: And snagging on the corner grocery store. Tsuneo (DJ): Ah, never liked that place anyway. >After clearing the >launch building, DJ took a good look at his opponent. Rebecca: MAH GOD! It's a flying *tool!* RUN! Tsuneo: It's *just* a squid, OK!? > The new Angel was considerably weirder-looking than the >previous one: it wasn't even vaguely humanoid, instead resembling >nothing so much as a flying giant squid, save that it only had two >tentacles, one on either side of its pointed, tubular shape. Further, >as he looked more closely, Mohan (Shamshel): Honestly, does this make me look fat? Samantha: Instead of inspecting every detail, he should be taking his guns out and blasting it. Kinda dumb, really. >DJ could see that the tentacles were not >made of the same reddish, fleshy-looking material as the rest of the >creature, but rather, apparently, of glowing pink energy. Samantha (DJ): Wah! How come my tentacle can't be as big as that?! Tsuneo: I don't even know what your talking about and it sounds sick! Rebecca: Damn, you're creeping *me* out, Samantha. Samantha: Yes! I am the champ! Whoohoo! That sick comment award is mine! Rebecca [smirks]: I wouldn't go *that* far... Samantha [smirks]: That a challenge? >As he took >it in, the monster noticed him, and lashed a tentacle toward him. Mohan (Shamshel): Huh, there's a giant robot coming at me...(pauses, then) GYAHH!!! > Instinctively, DJ dodged back and to the side instead of >forward or straight sideways; to do so would have put his unit's power >cable in harm's way. Samantha: Repeat after me, people: Foreshadowing. Others: Foreshadowing. Mohan: Well, this was foreshadowing in the original episode, anyway... >The tentacle lashed through the space where >EVA-01 had just been, slicing the top off the building. > "Christ!" remarked DJ to himself. Mohan (Shamshel): No, an Angel. Get it right! WHACK! Samantha (singing): Whack him! Whack him good! (imitates whip snap) Whack that idiot! > "DJ, to your right," Misato called. "I'm opening a weapons >block for you." > "Thank you," DJ replied, Samantha: Hey, his manners are improving. >making for the building with the >flashing red light. It opened to reveal an EVA-scale assault rifle, Tsuneo (Muttered quickly): It was carrying one anyway but never mind. >looking for all the world like a giant Heckler & Koch G11; DJ pulled >it free and faded back, Mohan: Faded back into *what*? Rebecca: Urban stealth doesn't work too well in a mech. Samantha: It's like being dressed in white while hiding in a forest. It simply doesn't work. Tsuneo (Unit 01): You can't see me! I'm... Trump Tower! > opening fire on the Angel as it wrecked the >weapons block in his wake. > > The exploding 120mm shells fired by the EVA assault rifle were >extremely effective projectiles; All: (begin doing machine gun sounds) Rebecca (DJ): Hail to the king, BABY! Tsuneo: 120mm shells? Hey, he's got a Zaku machinegun! [Everyone stares at him, dumbfounded.] Never mind. > unfortunately, they also tended to >generate a lot of smoke, which gave them the annoying habit of hiding >the target after a burst of more than four or five rounds. DJ, >conscious of this, kept his rate of fire low, barking out three-round >bursts Tsuneo: *Naturally* he doesn't make *any* kind of mistake like *Shinji* would. >as he played dodge-and-slash with the flying, squidlike beast. Rebecca (DJ): I'm shooting away! I'm running out from danger! Mohan: Tonight on Neon Exodus Evangelion, DJ Croft is caught in a game of cat and--well, squid and mouse. Hrmm, well, actually... Tsuneo: Just drop it, Mohan. >It could float over the buildings faster than DJ could dodge EVA-01 in >and out of them, and DJ knew if he leapt he'd be swatted out of the >air by those energy whips before he could say "Bob's your uncle;" so >he was trying for the best possible position. Tsuneo: The 'crouching tiger' position. Rebecca: Eh? Samantha: Cowering on the ground. Mohan (DJ): PLEASE! Don't kill me! > This game of cat and mouse went on for a few seconds, until >finally DJ stopped, turned EVA-01's back to a building, and waited. A >moment later, the Angel emerged from a side street and gave him a >clear shot. With a grin, he squeezed the trigger. Samantha: *CLICK* Tsuneo (DJ): Oh, poopie... Rebecca: Nice knowing ya, DJ! > There came only a single shot as the weapon jammed. Samantha: Buh-bye, DJ. > "Hell!" DJ declared, flinging EVA-01 sideways as the whips >lashed out; in the smoke-settling aftermath, DJ held onto the controls >as EVA-01 tumbled to the ground, then rolled it onto its back and >looked with a sense of sick dread upon the severed power cable, Rebecca: Yet again... Samantha (tired): How many people saw that coming? Mohan: Just like the original fight scene, its keeping with the series... sort of. Tsuneo: Yeah, except we don't have any school friends around to muck the whole thing up. >flopping like a live thing in the street before the ruined building. >Immediately the cockpit lights went red, Rebecca (mechanical): Critical Hit, Heat Sink. Tsuneo: (mechanical): Shutdown initiated. Mohan: Enough Battletech refs there? Tsuneo [grins]: Naw, not yet. > and off to one side a status >display became a clock, starting at 05:00.00 and immediately beginning >to count down. Those numbers represented how long EVA-01 Samantha: Had before self-destructing. Rebecca: Five minutes... to death! >could remain operational on internal battery power. > No working ranged weapon, no external power, no backup? >It's official, thought DJ, I'm in big trouble. Samantha: No kidding! Mohan: Gee DJ, Good thing you put all of your weapon slots into marksmanship... Tsuneo: Instead of, oh, a *melee* weapon? Rebecca: Like that wussy Progressive Blade? > It was at that moment that the situation worsened. One of the >Angel's whips lashed out and wrapped around EVA-01's ankle, and, with >incredible strength, whipped the whole massive machine up into the air >before flinging it away with such force that it crashed on its back >into the grassy side of Airport Hill, almost a mile away. Rebecca (B-Ko): Die, A-Ko! Ah-hahahahahaha! Mohan (creeped out): Stop that! Samantha (Mike Tenay): Oh and EVA-01 is stunned by the toss! This could be the oppurtunity the Fourth Angel needs to pin EVA-01 and win the Heavyweight belt! Tsuneo: Hit him with a chair! Hit him with a chair! > "I don't want to seem unmanly or anything here," DJ announced >as he struggled to get the EVA back on its feet, "but: HELP!!" Tsuneo: Our hero, ladies and gents! Samantha: Not my hero. Rebecca: Wow, we should save this image: DJ in mortal danger and *not* being an overconfident blowhard. Samantha: Done. [takes out a camera and snaps several pictures] > > "Damn it!" Jon snapped, watching as, on the main monitor, >EVA-01 slammed into the hillside. "Captain, he needs help." Samantha (Kirk): Then get back down to Engineering and do something, Scotty! > "Thank you, Jon, but I'd noticed that," Misato replied dryly. Rebecca: Man, she's a tactical genius! Mohan: Wow. Samantha: You ever notice most of the emotion has been drained out of Misato since Shinji left? >"DJ, fall back to Point A-24, there's a blockhouse there with a >secondary umbilical." > "Fine, if I could get Unit 01 to bloody stand up!" DJ's voice >crackled from the speakers. "It's responding slowly, erratically - >like it's stunned or something." Samantha (DJ): Didn't I say that? > "Maya?" > "No system faults found," Maya reported. "AT Field is still >deployed, synchronization is holding at seventy-one percent. Tsuneo: (Clears throat loudly.) Samantha: I couldn't agree more. >Motor >signals are getting scrambled somewhere in EVA-01's own neurosystems, >not DJ's." Tsuneo (DJ, grumbling): Downloading...downloading...downloading Samantha (Misato): "50 bits a second"? The hell!?! This'll take forever! > "It -is- stunned," Ritsuko observed. "Fascinating." Samantha: Yo, Spock, Eva-01 is gonna get sliced up if you don't do something! > > "Fascinating?! It's going to get DJ killed!" Misato barked. Rebecca: GEEZ! If Ritsuko was any colder you could chill drinks between her... Washu's Voice: Nope! Don't say it! Samantha: I don't remember Ritsuko ever being *that* frigid about manners, especially in times like this. Tsuneo: Perhaps she just hates DJ? Mohan: What a suprise. > "Will it recover in time?" asked Jon in a flat, businesslike >tone. > "No way of telling," Maya replied. Tsuneo (Ritsuko): You're making this stuff up as you go along, aren't you. Rebecca (Maya): Crap, you've got me. > On the screen, DJ got EVA-01's arms up in time to hold off the >Angel's attack, seizing its tentacles in EVA-01's hands and holding >them clear. Mohan (DJ): HEY! You can't touch me there! (Rebecca looks wide eyed at Mohan) Samantha (DJ): Not on a first date! > "He's fending off the Angel," Misato mused, Tsuneo: Looks like he's getting fairly trounced, myself. Samantha: Could someone please tell me how she became a tactical genius? > "but the way it's >got him pinned there, even if he could get up, he can't make it to the >secondary power source in time. The best we can hope for now is a >withdrawal." Rebecca: Clap your hands together if you believe in DJ Croft! All: ... Rebecca: ...or not. >Raising her voice so it would carry on the high-gain, >she ordered, "DJ, you don't have time to make it to the power source >now. Pull back to Entry Six and we'll bring you in." > "I can't!" DJ replied, an edge of desperation seeping into his >voice. "If I let go of this thing to get up it'll rip my bloody head >off!" Samantha: Is it just me, or does that seem to be Misato's plan? > > "I'll back him up," said Jon. > "No way," Ritsuko protested. "Your EVA hasn't been fully >cleared and we've run no on-site tests. You're not ready for combat." Mohan (slightly irritated):It would also mean you'd be *doing* something in this episode. Samantha (Jon): But it'll work! Haven't you been reading the script? > "Whether I'm ready or not doesn't make a difference right now, >Doctor," Jon replied evenly. Turning to Misato, he added, "Captain, >EVA-03 and I will take our chances. Let me back him up." Samantha: The Angel? Ah, how nice of you, Jon. All is forgiven now. > > Misato looked at the image of EVA-01, still on its back and >struggling, smoke pouring from the armor on its hands where it held >the still-charged tentacles of the Angel, Tsuneo (Shamshel, slight hick accent): Yup, it's a keeper! Rebecca (Sachiel): 300-footer! Them's good eatin'! Samantha: Sweet Jesus! I hope the Angel isn't liking that! >and deliberated for a >microsecond. Then she turned to Jon, nodded, and said, "Go." > Jon was out the door in an instant, not staying to hear >Dr. Akagi's protests. Mohan (Ritsuko): Ban nuclear testing now! > "You're overstepping your authority, Captain Katsuragi," >Ritsuko glared. "Jon has had no acclimation time and his EVA remains >largely untested. It's unfair and unsafe to throw him into a combat >situation like this." Mohan: And these operations using experimental bio-mechs are *normally* risk-free? Samantha: This is almost like hearing a lawyer talk about the wrongs of lying. > "You and Ikari all but hammerlocked DJ and threw him into >EVA-01 the other day, Ritsuko, with less training and testing than >Jon's had by far. Tsuneo: She's got you there, Ritsuko. > It's a little late in the day to be getting up on >that high horse now. Or is Jon's life somehow more important to you >than DJ's?" Rebecca: That's arguable. > Ritsuko fumed, but did not reply. Samantha (Ritsuko, under breath): Fragging rangi little son of a... > > Well, this is it, Jon, said Jon to himself. You're about to >hit the big time. Mohan (Jon): I've finally made it to Broadway! Sure, I'm Teen #2, but still... Samantha: Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness... he's on his way to becoming a great EVA pilot. > "EVA-03, launch!" > WHAM. Tsuneo (Jon, nervously): (gulps) Was that *supposed* to happen? > It was just like the simulator, except for the G >forces, and they weren't as bothersome as they could have been, thanks >to the LCL. Jon always felt more comfortable surrounded by LCL than >air - he wondered if it was the sensation of enclosure, or the >suspension of weight. Rebecca (Abu): Or that soft, silky feeling. So sensual. Samantha: Or the fact that he's a total ripoff of Rei. [Mohan eyes Samantha, perturbed.] Mohan: Well, I think he's cool. Tsuneo: Don't worry, man, you'll get over it. Samantha: It's just the fanfics aura of smooth affecting your mind, Mohan. It'll wear off once we're out of here. > Then there was no more time for wondering, as the ground level >zipped past and, with an end-of-rails crash, EVA-03 was on the >surface. Jon had an advantage DJ hadn't had in his first combat, Samantha: Like, oh I don't know, the Progressive knife? >in >that he'd piloted the EVA before, in training courses. He didn't have >trouble with the final interlock dismount or the first few steps off >the platform. Samantha: Then he tripped over that grocery store. >He felt strangely out of sorts, though, with a building >pressure behind his eyes that signaled the onset of a potentially >blockbusting headache; Tsuneo (Jon): [rubs his eyes] Man, should of changed my contacts before I got here. This is going to suck... > something in EVA-03's neurosystems was still >out of adjustment and he was feeling the effects. > "Sync is a little off, Control," he reported (unnecessarily, Mohan (Jon): I seem to have lost my groove, as well. >since the Synchrotron readings for EVA-03 on Maya's console were >reporting it in much greater detail). "Going to need some aspirin >after we're done here." Tsuneo: Ah, for... now *he's* hitting the DJisms! > He couldn't shoot at the Angel with his sync this far off, not >without risking hitting EVA-01. Samantha: Go ahead and try it. We won't mind! Rebecca: Take that called shot penalty... >That being the case, he deployed the >Progressive Knife, Samantha: *Huge* phallic symbol of the NGE universe. >which in the production models was a less elaborate >affair with a retractable straight blade rather than the elaborate >solid-Bowie-type construct of the Test Type, Mohan: That's important. I'm sure that pointing that out right now is really important. >and charged the Angel >from the side, knocking it away from EVA-01. All (except Tsuneo): TOGGG! Tsuneo: Just what the hell is this 'Togg' thing?! Rebecca (ditsy teen): Look out! He's got a knife! > Releasing the tentacles, DJ rolled gratefully out of the >EVA-01-shaped crater and got the machine unsteadily to its feet. He >hated to leave Jon here like this, but if he didn't get some power >into his EVA soon, he was going to be no good to anyone; so he faded >back to the entrance Jon had just come out of and backed EVA-01 into >the gantry. Samantha (British, singing) DJ bravely ran away! Mohan (DJ): I did not! Shut up! Samantha (British, singing): When danger reared it's head, DJ picked up his ass and fled! > Jon had no time to check on EVA-01's progress, occupied as he >was with ramming his Prog Knife into the Angel's red "eye", sending a >shower of sparks cascading in all directions. All: ZING! >The pressure in his >head was becoming more intense, not yet painful, although it would get >there before too long. The neurosystem problem must have been worse >than he originally thought. Tsuneo: Some duct tape would fix that, you know. Mohan: It's like the Force: There's a light side, a dark side, and it binds everything togther. Rebecca (smirking): Thank you, Mohan-wan. Samantha: That makes for an interesting image. (Mohan) Use the psionic, Tseuno. > "I've got him, Control, but not for long," Tsuneo: Why can't he? Samantha: So DJ can rush in and save the day. >he grated, driving the knife deeper. > "Roger, EVA-03. Hold on. EVA-01 is being fitted with a new >umbilical and rearmed as we speak." Rebecca (Misato): We have to wait for some parts. "Muffler bearings" the mechanics said... > "Roger that, Control." At that point the Angel struck at him >with its glowing tentacles. Jon whipped EVA-03's left arm around to >intercept one; unfortunately the right hand, being occupied with the >Prog Knife, was unable to prevent the other tentacle from wrapping >solidly around EVA-03's neck. Samantha: He's choking ref! That's illegal! Throw the match! Tsuneo: He follows up with... Oooo! The Atomic Wedgie! >To Jon, it felt as if someone had just >wrapped a live high-voltage cable around his own neck and begun >strangling him with it. Naturally, he screamed rather loudly. All: AHH! Ah! It burns! Aiiieeee... > For the first time in his admittedly short career as an EVA >pilot, DJ wished the delivery system went faster; but it was fast >enough. He popped up behind the Angel and EVA-03, took in the >situation, and knew what he had to do. Mohan: Weep like a little baby, and... Samantha: RUN!!! > In EVA-01's singed hands were a pair of the handcannons he'd >done so well with in the first battle; now he raised them, let the >fluid grace of the EVA flow into him, and fired off a double volley. Mohan (sighs): DJ Croft to the rescue...again. Rebecca: Here we go again. EVA's at the friggin' OK Corral! Someone's been playing Quake too much. Samantha: I don't care how cool he thinks he is, Chow-Yun-Fat does it better. Tsuneo: Have you met the "Empress" Shion? She has a thing for him, too. I'd swear she has a drooling shrine to him hidden away somewhere. Samantha: Don't let her even hear you've said that. > The Angel whirled to face him, purplish ichor spraying from >the stump where its left tentacle had been attached, Rebecca (Scottish accent): And you stab him, and the blood goes spurting out, pssshhht, in slow motion. >unwinding the >right from EVA-03's left arm. EVA-03 stumbled back a step, raising >its freed left hand to grasp at its throat in a doubly sympathetic >reaction - the EVA responding to the pilot's response to the EVA's own >damage. Samantha: So I guess Jon was turning an interesting shade of blue. >DJ cursed as the Angel wrapped its remaining tentacle around >EVA-01's left wrist, yanking that side's weapon out of line; then he >abandoned the cannon and swung into the attack, wrapped the tentacle >twice more around the EVA's forearm and Samantha: Scorching it off. Rebecca: Scorchio! >grabbing it up in the EVA's >left hand, hauling back on it and towing the Angel closer by its own >weapon. Mohan (Scorpion): COME HERE! Tsuneo: FINISH HIM! Rebecca: *please*... Samantha: Pretty please? > "That's all for you, mate," he growled, shoving the muzzle of >the right-hand cannon into the wound Jon had made with his Prog >Knife. Samantha: Hasta la vista... baby. Rebecca: Not a good catch-phrase, really. Tsuneo: Would you prefer "You're stain?" >Once, twice, three times, he fired into the wound; the Angel >twisted, bucked, writhed, and then fell limply to the ground. Tsuneo: The bullets inside are so hot, why do I feel so cold? Rebecca: That's right, under pressure, it goes totally limp. Samantha: (imitates the sound of a balloon deflating) > "You OK, Jon?" DJ asked, moving his EVA to the other's side. > "Yes, I think so," Jon replied, coughing. > "Great work, you two. Get 'em back downstairs before >something -else- happens," Misato called. Samantha (Misato, monotone): I am so filled with passion. Really. I am. > DJ grinned, twirling the right-hand cannon around EVA-01's >index finger. "Aye aye, Cap'n," he replied. Samantha: Robocop immediately came in and kicked his butt for stealing his schtick. >/* The Marcels "Blue Moon" _Billboard Top Rock 'n Roll Hits: 1961_ */ Mohan: Someone change that! Rebecca: Light FM, Top 20 songs! ANYHING! Tsuneo (sarcastic): A chitzy 60's tune. Perfect mood music for an EVA fic. >NEXT EPISODE: > > - SEE the ups and downs of budding friendships! Rebecca: Translation: The ups and downs of DJ's bed springs. > - WITNESS DJ's taste in interior decoration! Samantha: No thanks. Tsuneo: Gods, that makes the Power of Reading sound riviting. Mohan: And, stuff explodes. > - EXPERIENCE what put Rei in the infirmary! >All this, plus Rei on a motorcycle, Tsuneo: The hell? Rei as a biker babe!? Rebecca (Rei): Wrap your arms around my velvet rims. Place your hands along my engine. Samantha: Dammit! You're getting the good ones! >in the next heartwarming Samantha: Stomach churning. >episode >of Neon Exodus Evangelion, coming to http://www.eyrie.net/ on 7/23/97 >(and your local news server sometime after that)! Be here in seven >for "Connections"! Samantha: Some of which I need to call on and make DJ's life uncomfortable... damn, there I go with the dark comments again. [Everyone gets up and leaves the theater.] ***** Mohan: Well, everyone, we survived the first portion of the opening season of NXE. Rebecca: *Opening* season?... Tsuneo: Apparently, there's three story arcs to this thing, each 9 episodes long. Samantha: As much as I'd *love* to stick around for the rest of this, I'm going to Gold Saucer at Midgar soon with my brother for AAA's tag-team tournament-- DJ Croft (approaching): What a coincidence! My debut will be there, as well! I'm facing some virtual pro wrestler fellow. I just wish my associates were here to see me in action. Samantha [glares]: Oh shut up. Tsuneo: Gold Saucer? Cool. Always wanted to try my hand in battle square. Misato: [Wanders over] So, guys, can I have your notes for the board? Tsuneo (Darkly): Well... Mohan (Aside to Samantha): Watch out, he's gonna 'Limit Break' on us. Samantha: Cool... Rebecca: Call me when it's over. [Ducks under the table] Tsuneo: I will not go as far as to slag off the authour, because he has an awful lot of talent. My major complaint is in his taste and the reasons for his re-writing. He seems to have singled out characters that he does and doesn't like and decided that everyone out there shares the same opinions; that's why Shinji's vanished and Ritsuko's being bitch of the month, whereas Rei's now smiling. Another thing that gets me is how pointless some of his new inclusions are. Misato: Care to elaborate? Tsuneo: I mean the other elements he's dragged into it. As far as I can see, there's no reason for him to have a HAL sitting on his desktop, other than to say 'look at me, I read 2001.' The same with X-Com; while I'll agree it fits to some degree with the themes of EVA, it isn't doing anything for the story that couldn't be done by some other Seele orginization. Rebecca [From under table]: Is it over yet? Samantha: I think so. Rebecca [Retakes her seat]: Well, for starters, it is very well written. It certainly is much better than any of the fics the Great Big Head has sent to us, or even the one I'm starring in. The problem is the actual story itself, which basically consists of DJ leaping around the landscape going "You must love me, you must love me." We're not really given much of an opportunity to see much else other than Jon who... Is an alright guy. I suppose it's sort of like the modern Hollywood SFX movie, in that it's technically briliant, but leaves much to be desired otherwise. And has a noxious big-name star that hogs the camera. Mohan: Well, the Jon Ellison character is interesting, and I'm wanting to see what they do with him. Rebecca: You've seemed to take a liking to him. Mohan: Indeed, as alternate storyworld's go, the NXE world has potential with it's Americanized NERV. X-File-like conspiricies fit in a weird way... but then you start adding in Tomb Raider, X-Com, allusions to 2001 and chitzy 80's tunes and...well, it's like the fable of the hyena who wanted its fur to be every color of the rainbow and ended up with brown as a result. It starts to become a puzzling mess after a while. Tsuneo: Which finally brings us to DJ Croft. DJ Croft: You called? Samantha [decks DJ]: Yes, DJ Croft...Anyhow, the replacement of Shinji was a big mistake considering that, as one of the stars, his conscience and sense of doing what was right was what made the show popular and allowed hidden plots to develop. Once he was gone and someone with far more confidence in their ability plus a 'I-don't-give-a-damn-about-you' kind of attitude was put in his spot, you have the dreaded possibility of brilliant and long drawn out sub-plots being revealed far before their time, and little, if not, any chance for *true* character developement. DJ: [getting back up] And what about Rei becoming more human huh? That was all *my* doing! Samantha: Shut up! [decks him, hard] God he's annoying. Anyhow, that's my main grudege against it and I'm glad I'll be missing the rest of this series. [DJ struggles up, reaches into his jacket and pulls out a cell phone] Mohan: Well, Sandara should be back from her discussion with my game master soon. Rebecca: I'll tell her that you're been *such* a good boy. (Mohan blushes) [Tsuneo strolls over to the window of Club Anipike. He suddenly looks really frightened...] Tsuneo (nervous): Ummm...guys? Samantha: What is it?... [Large amounts of laser fire are heard and the Club shakes. The patrons rush outside in panic] Rebecca:What in the world... [gazes up] Whoa... Misato: The hell...?!?! [Hovering ominously above the Club Anipike are several Star Furies, with weapons poised at the building. DJ strolls out with a confident grin] Mohan (Shocked): Those are!?... DJ: Some of my associates, yes. My partner Gryphon and his friends have a vast array of resources. Starfleet vessels, Valkyries, a few X-Wing fighters... you know, the usual. Samantha [spins to DJ]: Who do you work with? DJ [As a Star Fury lowers to him]: Oh you'll see, and soon. [The canopy opens, and he hops into a vacant seat] Ciao! Samantha [eyes flash white]: Anytime, *boy*... [As the ships fly up, the crowd gapes up in confusion. Several of the Dragon Ball Z cast are standing about, fists clenched and Ki energy ready to be leashed out.] Goku: Sorry about that, but we were filming a new fanfic. Misato: It's okay... Piccolo: But the next time he shows up... [smiles and cracks knuckles] Ikari: What an arrogant bastard... how I hated working with him. Rei Hino: I can see why. Rebecca: Ummm... damn. Tsuneo: Say, Samantha... Samantha: Yeah? Tsuneo: This, Author Avatar League thing...I'm curious: How does one sign up? I've been wanting to get into it for a while. Samantha [smiles to Tsuneo]: I was hoping you'd ask... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mohan is copyright 1998 Tim McLees (Shinji) Tsuneo Tateo is copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Samantha Jones is copyright 1997-98 Jamie Jeans Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings: ftp.solbase.com/MSTings.html The greatest ever vault of anime MSTings, including the Hall of Gonterman, Shrine to Oscar and Temple of Marissa Picard. Jinas' world: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/index.htm RPG info, amateur fanfics, MSTing site and official Bubblegum Crossfire material. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com /TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. Jolt's Page! http://users.uniserve.com/~xwing/ Jamie Jeans's collected MSTings and his "Revenge" series. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Maya struggled to keep a smile from surfacing on her face as >she said, "I bet you call all women 'my love'." > "No," DJ replied honestly, "only the ones I love.