***ELMER STUDIOS, in association with SVAM, brings to you...***

Neon Exodus Evangelion 1:4
MSTed by Tim McLees, Alex Fauth, Alicia Ashby, and Max Fauth

Tim's Notes: Well, it took its sweet time getting here but it's
     finally done. NXE is back on track, and well worth the wait.
     (At least I hope). Enjoy!

Max's Notes: To tell the story of the MSTing of Neon Exodus 1.4 would
	take longer than the fic itself. Suffice to say it's finally here
	and I actually think it's worth the wait. As of this writing, I
	don't know if there will be any more of NXE MSTed, though...
	we'll see.

Alicia's Notes: Well.  I got to use Gouka in a MiSTing and work with 
	the celebrated Elmer Studios on the infamous NXE.  Took awhile, 
	but not a bad time, all in all.  Dunno if I'll be here
	for part five, but I certainly had a ball this time.

Alex's Notes: At last! We get to see the incredible Jon in action! Forgive me
	if I don't bound around the landscape in joy. Still, after 2,706 e-mails
	saying "Where is NXE 1.4", I'm glad to say: "It's here allready, now know
	your damn role and read the damn thing"

[The scene opens up to the lobby of the Crystal City Hyatte, a futuristic
looking hotel in the heart of Neo-Tokyo. Dan and Rebecca are lounging
casually in the hotel's a pool table and bar sit at one side, and a
big screen TV, a couch, and a series of tables rests at the middle]

[Rebecca is laying down across the couch, flipping through the channels
with a remote. Flustered, she mutes the TV as her channel surfing
lands on a Pokemon competition.]

Dan [peering over the seated Rebecca at the TV] Anything interesting
     on?
Rebecca [grumbles]: No... Can't believe they're pre-empted Fight Scene
     for these bloody Pokemon events.
Dan: Cool!
Rebecca: "Cool"? Hello Kitty pit fighting: real quality entertainment.
Dan: I've been watching this tourney, there's this cute redhead with
  	an electric cat and a Youth Fellowship Pokemon faction gadding
  	about...
Rebecca: Huh. [She looks over to the bar, noticing a familiar
     muscular man. His waist length black hair, his deep tanned
     skin...] Mohan?
Mohan [turns to face Rebecca]: Rebecca! Hi. [Walks over to the
     lounge] How've you been?
Rebecca: Keeping alive pretty much. Say, where's Sandara nowadays?
Dan: You and Sandy didn't...
Mohan: Oh, we're still together, guys. She's just been stressed as
     of late. Our contracts over in our gameworld were up, so our
     boss had me 'accidentally' wipe her mind with a psionic
     power surge.
Rebecca: Sounds, umm, contrived.
Mohan: Very. We're taking advantage of our sudden "retirement"
     by going on vacation. We're spending the week here in
     Neo-Tokyo.

[One of the droid waiters hovers over to Mohan and hands him a drink,
which he reluctantly takes]

Mohan: Umm...thanks, but why.
Waiter (gesturing to one of the seats on the oppisite side of the rec
     hall): The fellow in red there ordered it for you.
 [The camera focuses on a man with long crimson hair and equally
  crimson sorceror's robes, who looks like a refugee from 'Slayers'
  (probably because he is). At Mohan, Dan, and Rebecca's
stares, he immediately gets up and wanders over to the group,
  practically oozing Smug.]

Man: Ah!  I see you chose to accept my... *hospitality*.
Mohan: Uh... um...
[The man runs a hand through his hair, and smirks in a way that seems
  perfectly calculated to make you want to slap him senseless.]
Man: But, such is to be expected.  Nothing, male nor female, is
  	safe from the romantic wiles of Gouka Aurobindo Leigh, the
  	Fire of Divine Justice!
[Rebecca sniggers]
Mohan: Actually, the guy just came over and gave it to me...
Gouka: Yes, I know how your heart must beat at the mere site of
 	 me... but fear not, I shall soon quench the burning flame
  	of desire that has surely erupted within your soul, my fair...
  	what's your name again?
Mohan: Mohan.
Gouka: Yes, Mohan.  [Mohan gawks nervously back over to Rebecca,
 	mouthing the words "HELP ME!"]
Rebecca: A secret admirer, Mohan. What *would* Sandara say?
Mohan: Shush, okay...
Rebecca: Better you than me.
Dan (leafs through the TV listings on the coffee table): Heh... Hey, check
  	it out. Looks like Neon Exodus Evangelion's coming on after this.
Mohan: I've got about an hour to kill before Sandara comes back.
Rebecca: Who else is game?
Gouka: I've heard of this DJ Croft fellow. Several have compared me too
     this youth...
Rebecca: Whatta suprise.
Gouka (indignant): In any case, I'll watch this too. For research, of
     course.

[Dan switches the channel to the right station as Mohan and Rebecca take
up at seats at either side of him. Gouka, on the other hand, pulls up a seperate
chair and casually props his feet up on the table in front of them.]

>        /*  Genesis  "Land of Confusion"  _Invisible Touch_  */

Gouka: Yes, the meaning of that little random chain of words *is*
     confusing.  What in God's name is our author talking about?
Mohan: Well, what better way to capture the essense of this
     series that with light FM music.

>
>                      EYRIE PRODUCTIONS, UNLIMITED
>                                presents
>
>                         NEON EXODUS EVANGELION

Gouka: Or, as I like to call it, "Evangelion Lite, with Olean!"

>
>                EXODUS 1:4 - CONNECTIONS

Rebecca: Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected!
Mohan: Do you have to do that?
Rebecca: Well, wonder boy ain't here. Someone's gotta.

>
>  Inspired by NEON GENESIS EVANGELION created by Hideaki Anno, Gainax,
>                                 et al.

Dan: Which is just a polite way of saying "ripped off from."
Rebecca: Inspired? That would mean there are only a *few*
     similarities. Can't he just admit he's got no imagination?
Gouka: You know, this story *does* more or less read like an
     original concept grafted onto the Evangelion world due to a total
     inability to come up with an original backstory on the part of the
     author.
Mohan: Oh, like most fanfiction, then.

>     Most characters created by Hideaki Anno and Yoshiyuki
>Sadamoto

Mohan: The rest we found auditioning for Dawson's Creek.
Gouka: Oh, really?  Judging from the portrayals, you could have
     easily fooled *me*.

>                                 except

Mohan: Keller and Spiner and that other scientist and a whole lot
     of X-Com personnel and the MiBs and...
Dan: We get the picture.

>                DJ Croft created by Benjamin D. Hutchins

Gouka: I think a more proper term to use here would be 'spawned'.

>                                  and
>                   Jon Ellison created by Larry Mann

Rebecca & Mohan: Go Jon! Go Jon!
Dan: What the? He's an avatar, but you're cheering?
Mohan: He's a great guy!
Rebecca: And either of those are going to get Rei into the sack and
     I'd prefer it to be Jon.
Gouka: Besides, is there anyone in this *room* right now who
     wouldn't qualify as an Author Avatar?
[Dan sheepishly raises his hand]
Gouka: Oh, like *hell* you aren't.

>  Additional material and inspiration cadged

Dan: Which should no doubt be interpreted as "stolen."
Mohan: You're getting the hang of this Neon Exodus thing already.

> from TOMB RAIDER by Core

Gouka: That really says it all about the quality of this particular
     piece of fiction, really.
Dan: Hey, I like that game!
Gouka: Ah!  Have a square breast fetish, Dan-chan?

>  Design, Ltd., X-COM: UFO DEFENSE and sequels from MPS Labs
>(whoever owns them nowadays), THE X-FILES created by Chris Carter,
>and 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY by Arthur C. Clarke
>
>             Written by Benjamin D. Hutchins and Larry Mann

Gouka: They must shoulder the blame for this fanfic.
Mohan: Here's the prime suspects...

>       Aided and abetted by the Eyrie Productions, Unlimited crew

Dan: ...And the accomplices.
Gouka: And to think that they're supposedly the *good* self-
     insertion authors...
Dan: You've got to be joking.

>                 and special-guest-for-life Phil Moyer

Rebecca: With good behaviour, Phil should be out in a couple of decades or so...

>   Special thanks to Chris Siebenmann for inspiring Lake
>Oppenheimer

Mohan: Thanks to Gateway, for producing the computer this was typed
     on. And to Frito's, for producing the snack chips consumed
     in the making of this series. And to...
Gouka: I'll just put Siebermann down on the 'Dragon Slave' list,
     too.

>
>                 (c) 1997 Eyrie Productions, Unlimited

Dan: Proof that fanfiction does not get better with age.

>    Jon Ellison was still feeling a little wobbly.

Gouka: But dammit, he would *NOT* fall down!
Dan: Alright, get it together, rise above it.
Rebecca: [Jon] Gotta knock off those all-nighters.

> The pain in
> his arm had gone away at length, but his head still felt like
> someone had been using it as a punching bag recently.

Mohan: Oddly enough, that's how we felt after last chapter.
Dan: So where'd he get a headache from?
Rebecca: He couldn't sync with his EVA, meaning DJ had to come and
     save the day.
Mohan: That kinda thing's probably going to happen a lot.

> Fighting in EVA-03 without proper sync had been rather like
> wearing

Mohan: Underpants full of live ferrets? (Blinks)
Dan: What?
Mohan [suspicious]: Sorry. Just popped in there...
Dan: [Glares at Gouka] All of a sudden, I've got a pleasant image
     involving someone's underwear and a ferret, too.
Gouka [leering happily back at Dan]: Kinky!  But only if you
     consent to the gerbils and whipped cream, dearest.

> a monocle when both
> eyes really needed correction: not very pleasant.  Fortunately,
> as Dr. Akagi had told him, there was no damage to his person
> other than a righteous headache,

Mohan: Take the sacred Advil of St. John, then.
Gouka [surfer]: Dude, I have the most righteous headache right now.

> and it was expected that he
> would be able to get up and walk out of the infirmary before the
> day was out.

Dan: Whether he survived the run-on sentence is another thing.
Mohan: Yeah, Some of these passages get feel like bad Eddings prose
Gouka: So like Eddings prose.
Mohan: Well, yeah.

>    EVA-03 had been less fortunate, suffering heavy damage to one
> arm and numerous dents in its armor.  It would be offline for a
> few days at least while the repairs were effected.

Mohan: Well, they got these old Manzinger Z parts, I'm sure
     they could 'make them fit'.
Dan: Those parts are so hard to get.
Gouka: Can't you just feed it Unit-00 or something?

> This was not that
> great, but at least it guaranteed that the next time he got into
> that cockpit he -would- be synchronized.

Gouka: *How*?!  What, are they going to install a new motherboard
     in it?
Rebecca: Jon's been studying really really hard. All nighters and such.

>    Becoming aware of another presence nearby,

Rebecca: [Darth Vader] One I have not sensed since...

> Jon turned his head
> toward the doorway and, out of sheer reflex from years of
> military training,

Gouka: "Years of military training?" These pilots are all fourteen,
     correct?
Mohan: Well, yes.
Gouka: I can just *imagine* young Jon here going to West Point
     Kindergarten...

> sat up straighter as Dr. Ikari entered the
> room.  (This caused his head to complain a little louder, but he
> studiously ignored that; it was time to accept responsibility for
> what had happened.)

Gouka: And why are there parentheses here?  Because the author was
     feeling *saucy*!  Literary conventions be damned!

>"Hello sir."

Dan: [Gendo] Good morning, Jon. Time for your daily execution.

>    "Unit-03 will be in repairs for the next three days,"
> Dr. Ikari said without preamble.

Rebecca: Obviously he's got no idea about the constitution either.
Mohan: This is one of those Australian things, isn't it?
Gouka: We the People of Wherever the Hell We Are, in order to form
     a more perfect fandom, establish some semblance of continuity,
     insure proper characterization, provide for the common amusement,
     promote the general quality of fan literature, and secure the
     blessings of Anno Most High to ourselves and our posterity, do
     ordain and establish the Vicious MiSTing of this Fanfic by some
     guys who aren't really members of Eyrie Productions Unlimited.

>    "Yes sir," Jon said quietly, his eyes angling downward.  "Our
> synchronization was more unstable than I expected."
>    "Indeed.  SHODAN

Rebecca & Mohan: SHO'DAN!
Rebecca: That felt good. I haven't done it in a while.
Dan: Care to explain?
Mohan: No.
Gouka: Oh, I don't mind.  It's not that complicated, really... you
     see, Rebecca and Mohan here and simply what we refer to as
     'idiots', Dan-chan.
Dan: I knew that ages ago.

> provided a comprehensive report on the
> mission."  Ikari regarded the boy thoughtfully for a moment.

Rebecca: [Gendo] You're a spry young fellow...
Dan: Starting early, are you?
Gouka: I don't know, a nice relationship with a handsome young lad
     might be just the thing to loosen Gendo up a bit.
Mohan [gazing over to Gouka]: That's sick...

> "Nevertheless, despite the problems with the synchronization, you
> fought admirably.  I'm very pleased with your performance today
> and I have no doubt that once you're properly synchronized with
> EVA-03 you will do very well."

Gouka: Oh, nevermind.  Looks like Gendo's already become one of the
     pleasant, benevolent scientist father-figures that he was
     originally a cynical parody of.
Mohan: [Gendo] You did disobey a direct order and take off with an
     EVA, but never mind.
Dan: Time for the good old token slap on the wrist.
Rebecca: [Jon] I'm sorry, dad. Can I have the car tonight?

>    "... Thank you, sir," Jon answered,

Dan [Pain] & Rebecca [Panic]: We're worms! Lowly, worthless worms!

> not knowing what else to say.
>    "There's something else I wish to discuss with you, Jon,"

Rebecca: [Gendo] Marry me!
Dan: This is too sick for even you, Rebecca.
Gouka: If you think *that's* sick, Dan-chan, just come by my hotel
     room tonight, and--
[Mohan glows slightly and gives Gouka a slight telekinetic 'slap']
Mohan: Stop that.

> Ikari continued.  He went over to the door and keyed it shut,
> blocking out all noise from the hallway.

Rebecca: So no-one would hear the gunshot.
Gouka: Or Jon's pathetic screams and Gendo's moans of ecstacy.
[Mohan squirms uncomfortably]

>    "Yes sir?" Jon asked.

Mohan: [Jon] I'm dead, aren't I?

>    Ikari pulled a chair over to Jon's bed and sat down in it,
> putting him at eye level with the boy.

Gouka: [Gendo] Hmmm... Jon, it appears that you have an eye booger.

> The cold, businesslike
> edge seemed to fade from his demeanor, replaced by something more
> friendly-seeming.

Mohan: [Gendo] Ahh...the coffee's finally kicking in.
Dan: If Gendo's smiling, it means something bad's about to happen.
Gouka: [Gendo] Tell me, Jon, what are your feelings about human
     medical experimentation?

> He actually seemed to smile a little.  It made Jon
> feel... suspicious.

Gouka: [Jon] *Something's* out of character, here... and it's *not me*.
Rebecca: Jon seems more like one of us every day.
Dan: Say, does Jon actually do anything around here?
Mohan: Um...

>    "Do you like Rei, Jon?" he asked.

Mohan: Ohh...Gendo's giving him The Talk.
Dan: [Jon] I heard this in high school health already. Thanks anyway.

>    "Uh?" Jon asked, a bit taken aback.

Gouka: Our thoughts *exactly*.

>    "What I mean to say is - well, Dr. Akagi suggested earlier
> today that it might be good for both of you if Rei were to leave
> her current lodgings and move into your apartment."

Rebecca: [Gendo] Son, you need to score, and Rei's not the type to be
     picky, so...
Mohan: Hello? *Who* was worried about contamination two chapters
     ago?

>    "Er, well, it *would* be more efficient, sir, to have the
> entire squad together," Jon replied,

Gouka: [Jon] That way, all of the pilots could easily be killed by
     an accident or terrorist action!

>reddening a bit and worried that his enthusiasm might be
>misinterpreted.  (God knew that had already happened enough.)

Gouka: "Benjamin, this is God speaking.  Leave me the hell out of
     your story."
Dan: [Jon] I don't want to screw her or anything! Hell no! Really!
     [Normal] Do you think he could be any more obvious?

>    "That's true," Ikari nodded.  "And that's why I agree with
> the idea."

Rebecca: [Gendo] I've been meaning to get you and that idiot Croft
     out of the way, and Rei's replaceable, so what the hell?

>    Jon blinked.  "Sir?"

Dan: He's not the only one confused.

>    "I wasn't sure about it at first, but what she suggested, and
> you just echoed, is perfectly true: having the entire squad in one
> place would improve efficiency, both on an organizational and
> personal level.  Besides, you and Rei are very much alike, Jon;

Dan: Eh?
Rebecca: Jon here is essentially a male Rei Ayanami.
Dan: God damn. The excitement level in this fic must be dropping by
     the second.
Gouka [smiling evilly]: Don't worry, Dan-chan, I'll see to your
     personal amusement.

> I think you would make excellent roommates."

Rebecca: Any second now this is gonna turn into "Friends."
Gouka: [singing] No one ever told life was going to be the
     waaaay... your job's no joke, you're broke, you're piloting E-V-
     A...

>    "How... how does Rei, um, feel about this?"

Dan: It's Rei. She doesn't. Duh.

>    "You can ask her yourself, though I'm sure she'll agree it
> would be more efficient for everyone.

Gouka: She'd agree if you walked up to her and nicely asked
     permission to blow her head off.

> Besides," Ikari added, his
> expression softening even more, "she needs a friend like you,
> Jon.

Rebecca: [Gendo] A special friend.

> Someone who can understand."

Dan: Notice how we've secretly replaced Gendo Ikari with Soun
     Tendo.
Mohan & Rebecca: That's not funny!

>    "Er, well... whatever I can do to help, sir," Jon replied, no
> longer entirely sure if he were having this conversation.

Mohan: Eh? He doesn't know if he's talking with someone?
Gouka: Well, I'd like to think none of this is really happening.

> Sure, this was pleasant news and all, but yet...

Rebecca: He felt the nagging presence of thousands of screaming EVA
     fans.

>    "Good.  Very good.  Pending Rei's approval,

Dan: Like she's gonna disagree or something.
Rebecca: [Rei] For the first time in my life I'm going to say no.

> the living
> arrangements will be changed."  The hard edge had crept back into
> his voice as he got up from the chair.

Gouka: Quick, Hutchins!  Characterization is leaking into your
     fanfic!  Stop before, the whole thing is something recognizable as
     the guy from Eva!
Rebecca: Don't worry, he'll fix that soon enough.

>"At this point, we're
> going to need all the stability and efficiency we can get.

Mohan: Which will be attained by putting her in an apartment next
     to DJ and Misato. If anyone can see the logic in this, please tell
     me.

> I want you to keep an eye out for trouble,

Gouka: Translation: "Be my whipping boy and stool pigeon."

> and report anything which you think might
> impair the team's efficiency. Understood?"
>
>    "Understood clearly, sir."

Dan: [Jon] Clear as a brick wall, sir!

>    "Good," Ikari nodded, turning toward the door.  "Get your
> rest; you'll need it."

Rebecca: [Gendo] BWAHAHAHA! (coughs) Sorry.

> And then he was gone.

Mohan: [Gendo] I'm gone! PRESTO! BA-VOOM!
Dan: Something to do with that hole in the floor.
Gouka: [Commissioner Gordon] How *does* he do that?

>    Jon watched the open doorway for a few moments,
> listening to the faint sounds of activity in the corridor beyond,

Rebecca: [Jon] They're playing Twister out there... and they didn't
     invite *me*!

>then leaned  back into the pillows and stared up at the
>featureless ceiling.

Mohan: [Jon, monotone] I hate this place.
Rebecca: Notice how much of Neon Exodus takes place inside an
     infirmary.
Dan: Notice how many readers Neon Exodus puts in an infirmary.

>    This was pleasant news.  He hoped Rei would agree.
>    So why did he feel that something was fundamentally wrong
> somewhere?

All: He wasn't the only one!

>    Gendou Ikari grumbled silently

Dan: Rasafrasinrasafrakinnogoodrasafrigginavatars.

> as he made his way through
> Central Dogma.

Mohan: Maybe they shouldn't have put that on the route to the bathrooms
     and vending machines.
Gouka: Wave 'hi' to Lilith for me, Gendo!

>If only those idiots in X-COM had not held back on delivery of Jon
>and EVA-03 things would have been so much easier;

Rebecca: Tragically, they had sent him earlier, but he'd been
     returned with "Insufficient postage" stamped on his forehead.

> practically all of the current complications in the plan might
>have been completely avoided. Unfortunately, what was done was done, and
> it would have to be worked around and patched.

Rebecca: Sounds like Microsoft: They don't check for errors until
     it's been released.
Dan: Or WoTC, where product testing is the public release.
Mohan: They're both took the same management courses, I suspect.
Gouka: Yes, I'm sure you two naughty Australians just sent Bill
     Gates and Richard Garfield crying home to their mothers. I am
     amazed by your irreverent wit.
Mohan [pauses]: Ouch...
Dan: If you've actually got something worthwhile to say, Gouka...

>    Pairing Jon and Rei together would help moderate the influence
> of the Croft boy;

Dan: Of course, he could just tell DJ that he's no longer needed
     and send him away, if he's that much trouble.
Gouka: Gendo's such a kind-hearted man, always playing matchmaker
     for the Children...
Mohan: It feels like "Step by Step Goes to Tokyo-3" all of the
     sudden...

> with any luck their natural synchrony would
> eliminate any future troubles before they could begin.
>    Nothing was going to interfere with the plan.

Dan: [Gendo] Then I'll rule the world! BWAHAHAHA!

> Not if he had anything to say about it.
>    He brushed past DJ Croft without a word,

Mohan: [DJ, stunned] It's my breath, isn't it?

> and Croft did not
> acknowledge him either, come to that.  Both were too intent on
> their  respective missions.

Rebecca: [DJ] My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to get
     as many of these EVA girls as possible into the sack.

>    DJ's mission was just in front of him;

Rebecca: Happosai's secret underwear stash.

> sliding the door open, he entered Jon's room.
> Jon looked up, expecting perhaps to see Ikari
> again,

Gouka: [Jon] Gendo-chan!  You came *back* to me!
Mohan: What's with you and the...nevermind.

>returned to mention something he'd forgotten, but instead, he saw
>DJ,

Rebecca [Jon]: Hi, honeybun.

> back in his street clothes, smiling as always,

Gouka: [DJ] I'm the author's chosen favorite!  Ha-HA!
Mohan: He's an agent of SMARM.

> and bearing the
> copy of "Into the Titanic" Jon had abandoned in Rei's room before
> the alert.
>    "You probably don't feel like reading just yet,"
> said DJ softly, "but they finally turned Rei out,

Mohan: That sounds like something you do to a sheet.
Gouka: Either that, or something that would leave her organs strewn
     all over the floor.
Dan: Damn. Break out another one!

> so I had to get everything
> out of the room.
>
>You haven't seen my copy of 'A Night to Remember', have you?"

Dan: [DJ] But I'll be getting a few "nights to remember." Get it?
Mohan: How long are they gonna keep up this Titanic thing?
Rebecca: Until James Cameron finally caves in and pays them for the
     advertising space.
Gouka: Actually, if I was Cameron, I'd sue for libel after being
     associated with this thing.

>    Jon blinked.  Where -had- he left that book when he'd finished
> with it?

Gouka: The dramatic tension!  The excitement!  Where *is* Jon's
     book?!

>Was it at home?  He searched his memory, but could find no
>information.

Dan: Is it just me, or did that last line sound fundamentally
     wrong?
Rebecca: So now Jon's loaded up with Windows 98?
Mohan: Finished yet?
Rebecca: Not nearly.
Gouka: The is the saddest excuse for witty company-bashing I have
     ever been party to in my entire existence.
Dan: Geez, what crawled up your ass and died? Heck, you'd probably
     enjoy that.
Gouka: Only if it was *you*, Dan-chan.

>    At his teammate's blank look, DJ waved a hand dismissively.

Gouka: [DJ] Don't bother trying to think, inferior supporting
     character.  That's *my* job.

> "Don't worry about it," he said.  "Worst comes to worst, I'll
>just get another copy.

Gouka: [DJ] Hey, I've bought prestige, respect, and love... I can
     buy all the damn books I want!
Mohan: Oh, poor boy. He's gonna have to spend an infinitesimal
     portion of his incredible fortune.

> Anyway, you'll want to finish this once your head quits hurting,

Dan: That could take a very long time.

> I'd imagine.  Sorry there aren't any flowers, but I only give
> those to pretty girls."

Dan: And thank god for the small details.
Gouka: [Jon] So you don't think I'm pretty?
Rebecca: [DJ] Save that for later, hon.

>    Jon attempted a smile; DJ grinned.  "Just saw Ikari cruising
> down the corridor in full sail," he reported.

Mohan [Gendo]: Whhheeeee.
Gouka: [Jon] So he still insists on riding that little sailboat
     through the halls?

>"Looked ticked off
> about something - probably seeing me.

Rebecca: That I can understand.

> He doesn't like me too much,

All: *Really*?

> probably upset that I haven't the courtesy to be intimidated by
>him."

Mohan: Come to think of it, that's probably right.

>    "He doesn't like being disrespected,"

Dan: [Gendo] You will respect my authouritaaahhh!

> Jon said, a hint of reproach in his voice.
>    DJ snorted.
> "He might try earning my respect, then,"

Dan: Despite him being your commanding officer and all?
Mohan: Not like he can decide whether you live or die or
     anything like that.

> he replied.  "Anyway, don't let's dwell on that.

Gouka: [Jon] So... do we dwell on it or not?

>I've arranged for your  release from this sad place

Mohan: The fic?
Gouka: You know, it sounds like DJ is going to kill him...

> - and if you're feeling up to it, I want
> to buy you dinner, seeing as you pulled my tail out of the fire
>and all."
>
>    "You repaid me just a few minutes after," Jon replied.
> "There's no need - "

Gouka: [Jon] *Please* don't make me spend an entire evening having
     to *talk* to you...
Dan: There's a familiar feeling.

>    "Well, then, just humor me.  Or consider it a celebration of
> our victory and the fact that Rei's been released.  I found a
> Southwestern place in town called Cactus
> Pete's that I simply -must- try,

Mohan: Nothing expresses gratitude better than Tex-Mex dining.
Dan: Enabling us to get out our whole stack of bean jokes.

> and since I hate eating alone, I'm determined to drag you all
> along with me."

Dan: Ouch. Does he normally display this advanced level of
     consideration and humility?
Mohan: Yup.
Dan: Now I see what you guys are on about.
Gouka: At least he recognizes the fact that no one in their right
     mind would *want* to spend an evening with him.

>    "You've invited Rei?"

Dan: Wow. The death of the party.
Mohan: That would make for some wonderful dinner table
     conversation.

>    "And Misato - well, somebody's got to drive -

Dan: Hopefully not her.

> and Maya and Truss,

All: Who?
Rebecca: Probably another authour created character he hasn't
     bothered introducing us to.
Gouka: 'Truss'?  Sounds like a Dragonball Z character.
Dan: That would be an improvement, certainly.

> and Ritsuko, although I don't think she's coming.  Bashful
> around me, she is," said DJ soberly.

Mohan [Yoda]: Smarmy, you are, yes.
Gouka: Yes, she's afraid she'll actually strangle you to death with
     her bare hands if she gets too lively around you.

>"I think she's afraid of her
> feelings for me."

Rebecca: The disgusting thing is that he isn't joking.

>    Jon suppressed a laugh; it would make his head hurt again.

Gouka: Yes, Jon, the author's attempts at humor make my head hurt,
     too.

> Besides, he didn't want to anger DJ,

Rebecca: Why not? Show him the precise amount of contempt you hold
     him in.
Gouka: You know you're a wuss when you're afraid of DJ Croft
     beating you up.
Dan: Just don't say that to Aron Scythe.

> and didn't know him well enough
> yet to be certain he was joking.  Instead, he swung his feet over
> the side of the bed, stood up, determined that doing so did not
> make his head explode,

Mohan: Jon's been assaulted by the power of OOOOOHHHHH!!!!
Dan: WA-TAK!

> then nodded.
>    "I guess I'll feel better after something to eat," he
> acquiesced.

Dan: Never mind that, you'd better get something to wear.
Rebecca: No, undressing in front of strangers is DJs schtick.
Mohan: Of course, after you see this restaurant, you'll change your
     mind.

>    "That's the spirit," replied DJ.

Gouka: [DJ] Bow down to my will!  It's fun!

>"Nothing in this world a good meal can't cure."

Rebecca: Except indigestion.

>    "Well, that was a depressing spectacle," DJ grumped,

Mohan: And our new word for the day is "grumped!"
Gouka: GAH!  Do you mind *telling* us about your scene changes,
     author?!  It's very upsetting when they're that abrupt.

> keying open the door to Apartment 3-D.
>
>    "Oh, I don't know," said Misato following him in.  "I thought
> the food was good."

Gouka: [Misato] There was only a thin film of grease on the nachos,
     and I only saw *one* cockroach!

>    "The conversation didn't leave me panting for the sequel,
> though."

Mohan: It's amazing that he managed to sum up our precise feelings.
Rebecca: Is it just me, or is he beginning to riff his own story?
Gouka: With a premise this silly, he'd better be.

>    "Give us all time to get to know each other," said Jon.  "That
> will help."

Gouka: That's what you were all just doing, you twit.

>He paused, taking in the sight of the can-encrusted
> kitchen for the first time.  "... Was there a frat party here
> recently?"

Dan: No, Misato lives here. Close enough.
Rebecca: My god, Dan, it looks just like your place.
Dan: Ha, ha.

>    "No," replied DJ, "I just haven't had the chance to clean the
> place up yet. Should have done tonight, but I was under the mistaken
> impression that I had better plans."

Mohan: Dinner with Rei is a better plan?
Gouka: Look, you *knew* DJ would be there...

>    "Oh, c'mon, DJ, it's not that bad," Misato said, leading Jon
> into the living room.

Mohan: [tour guide]: Here we have the quaint 3 bedroom apartment
     where Neon Exodus Evangelion was recorded.
Gouka: [Jon] Ma'am, the flooring here appears to made of a layer of
     potato chip crumbs crushed down into rock-hardness.

>    "Yes, I thought it was fun," said Jon, looking dubiously at
> the cluttered state of the living room.

Gouka: [Jon] Of course, I also enjoy fascinating evenings of
     watching the paint on my walls peel.

>"Do you, uh, need any
> help cleaning this place up?"

Dan: A bulldozer might be useful.

>    "Misato," DJ called from shoulders-deep in the fridge, "do we
> have the day off tomorrow, or was that just a figment of my
> imagination?"

Rebecca: [DJ] Or am I just acting like a dickweed again?

>    "We're off until Monday unless there's an emergency call,"

Dan: Heaven forbid that an angel attacks on the weekend.
Gouka: Actually, Sunday *is* the Lord's day of rest...

> she
> called back.  DJ emerged, a can of Guinness in each hand and a
> Pepsi balanced atop one of them;

Dan: Pepsi. The choice of the Avatar Generation.
Gouka: Not even good *beer* can escape this story unscathed!

> he handed the soft drink off to Jon,

Rebecca: Jon of course, being underage, doesn't drink.
Gouka: Underage nothing.  It's because Jon is the token wuss.
Dan: What, he swills Guinness too?
Mohan: By the truckload, apparently.

> one of the beers to Misato, and then plopped into the brown
>armchair

Mohan: Plop.
Rebecca: He really needs to be toilet trained.
Dan: Sick!
Rebecca: What? He always does that.
Mohan: Then no wonder it's brown.
Dan: SICK!

> with a grateful sigh.

Gouka: Well, when you have to go, I guess you have to go.

>    "In that case, you're welcome to help, Jon," said DJ, popping
> the Guinness and letting it foam.  "I'm going to spend my day off
> mucking this place out."

Dan: Isn't that what you do with a pig sty?
Mohan: Well, he does keep "plopping" down everywhere.
[Dan whacks him with a cushion.]

>    Jon moved a pile of magazines

Rebecca: [Jon] Let's see... Hustler, Penthouse, I presume these are DJ's?

> out of the way and sat down at
> the end of one of the two couches, then opened his own drink.  He
> glanced curiously at the black can in DJ's hand,

Mohan [Jon, gasps]: It's not *freshness dated!*
Gouka: [Jon] Should I tell DJ that he's drinking Raid?  Nah...

> then decided
> that if Misato didn't have a problem with it, why should he?

Gouka: [Jon] Since Misato's irresponsible, I should be
     irresponsible too!
Dan: Do I want to ask why he's drinking beer?
Mohan: Because Misato lets him.
Dan: I see. This series is evil, isn't it?

>    "Sure," Jon replied.  "I could use something to pass the
>time."

Rebecca: [Jon] Not that I have anything better to do like
     practicing and bettering my EVA piloting skills.
Mohan: How about you learn the cello?

>    "Glad to hear it.  Cheers," said DJ, raising his beer in
> salute.

Gouka: Truly, a damned fine television show.

> Then, as Jon watched in bemusement, he and Misato both
> tossed back a heavy slug of their respective drinks, lowered
> their cans with twin gasps of in-taken breath, and let out a
> double whoop of joy.

Gouka: Ten years of training had finally paid off.
Rebecca: Synchronized beer swilling! The new Olympic sport!
Mohan: And I'm sure SHODAN would find this fascinating too.

>    ... and I thought Sgt. Kay was loud, though Jon to himself.
>    He was distracted from this line of thought by the sound,
> behind him, of the refrigerator being opened and closed, and the
> distinctive pop-hiss of another can of Guinness pub draught being
> opened.

Gouka: 'Draught'?  Don't tell me the author's just decided to
     contrive us back into the middle ages...
Mohan: [Author] I've got a BA in English and, by Zeus, I shall use it!

> As he looked up, Jon was treated to another strange
> sight: a large penguin with a metal collar and finger-like claws
> at the ends of its wings.

Gouka: [Jon] Mother!!  When did they let you out of the facility?!

>In one 'hand', it held a beer.

Dan: Man, this fic's so bad, even the penguin's hitting the piss.

>    "Pen-Pen!" Misato said in a harsh tone.

Gouka: [Misato] You know you're only supposed to drink the *Lite*
     beer!  Think about your diet!

>    "Waugh?" replied the penguin,
> turning his head to look inquisitively at her.

Rebecca [Pen-Pen]: Nope, rather not. Hoo-boy, am I sick of her.

>    "How many of those have you had today?"
>    The penguin held up three claws at the end of the other wing.
>    "That's all?" Misato demanded.

Dan: The penguin's a frigging alcoholic!
Gouka: Ha-ha!  It's funny because it's going to be dead within in
     a year of alcohol poisoning!

>    "Waugh," replied the penguin, nodding.
>    "OK then," said Misato cheerily, settling back on the couch.

Gouka: [Misato] Pen-Pen really *is* just a social drinker!

>    "Waugh," repeated Pen-Pen, taking up his station next to the
> end of the sofa.

Dan: I don't believe this. Even *Pen-Pen's* put of character.

>    "See, I don't understand why certain lab-coat-wearing persons
> who shall remain nameless can't see their way clear to have a
> little fun with us," DJ complained.

Gouka: Well, it might have something to do with the fact that she
     hates you, DJ.  Now I will admit, this is a just guess, and I don't
     have much evidence backing me up...
Mohan: "Dr. Pullring", DJ...

> "We're happening people!  We've got a
> penguin who can -count-, for God's sake, how cool is that?"

[They all shake their heads solemely]
Gouka: And they say this is one of the *good* fanfics...
Mohan: It's "way past cool", I bet.
Dan: At least no-one's saying "damn straight."
Gouka: Damn straight.

>    "Maybe all she likes is her job," Jon speculated.

Rebecca: That, and Misato-
[Dan whacks her with a cushion]

>    "Ahhh," Misato said, waving that argument away.  "I've known
> Ritsuko for a long time, she's always been too damn tense.

Dan: Apart from the times she's drinking, chatting with you and
     generally enjoying herself.
Gouka: [Misato] Trust me, Ritsuko's completely two dimensional now,
     just like the rest of us!

> What she really needs is a good

Rebecca: Woo-hoo!
Gouka: I should really plan a stop-off in this dimension soon...

> - well... never mind."
>
>    "She has but to ask," replied DJ, gesturing expansively.

Dan: Now there is a mental image I really did *not* need, thank you
     very much.
Gouka: Now, now, you must admit: the boy has style, if nothing
     else.
Mohan: I think I'm almost *positive* he's got nothing else.

>    Jon wondered how he ought to interpret that;

Gouka: [Jon] If I didn't know better, I'd say young Derek was
     expression a desire to have sexual intercourse with Doctor Akagi!
     [Normal] What do you THINK it meant, you idiot?!!

> Misato, besieged
> by the mental image of her old friend and her saucy young
>roommate in the clinch, cracked up laughing.

Rebecca: Whereas we're busy retching our guts out.

>    Noting the bemused expression on his colleague's face, DJ
> smiled benignly.  "Crude and obnoxious, aren't we?" he said.

Dan: Oh, hideous.
Gouka: [Newscaster] In other news, the pot leveled a devastating
     charge at the kettle today, shockingly accusing it of 'being
     black'.

> "I suppose one of us ought to grow up one of these days, but..."
> He shrugged.  "What's the point of it?"

Dan: So you stop pissing us all off with your schoolboy humor?
Gouka: I'd just like to see him grow old and die a humiliating
     death from explosive spastic colon, myself.
Dan: Why wait?

>    Jon had by now come to the conclusion that this whole
> arrangement would, indeed, be very interesting.

Rebecca: In foreign places they have a curse: May you live in
     interesting times.

>    "Anyway, we're mostly harmless," DJ went on.

Gouka: That's the abbreviated entry, Ellison! *Never* trust the
     abbreviated entry!
Mohan: Remember, when reading NXE: Don't Panic.

>    "I'm sure you are," replied Jon.  He tried out a grin; it
> didn't hurt, so he left it there.

Gouka: Within days, it had already begun moldering and attracting
     cockroaches.
Dan: I've got it. Jon doesn't act like Rei, he acts like NXE's Rei,
     right?
Rebecca: Let's see, no personality, spends all his time kissing up
     to DJ and grins for no good reason. Yeah, pretty much.

>    The next morning, DJ rose early, took his time brushing his
> teeth and dressing, and was just popping up the first of the
> (formerly) frozen breakfast waffles

Gouka: I'm glad out author added in that little note. If he hadn't,
     I might have thought DJ was toasting the FRICKING BATTER!
Dan: What are you getting so tense about? This is just boring.
Gouka [very tense]: I don't *like* being bored.

> when Misato shambled into the
> kitchen, yawning cavernously.

Rebecca: And now, a scene of DJ's Usual Morning...
Gouka: 'Cavernously'?  Are there bats living in there?

>    "Morning," she murmured.
>    "Morning," he replied.  "Sit down before you fall down."

Mohan: Mornin' Ralph.
Dan: Mornin' Sam.

>    Misato plunked

Mohan [stands up and sits back down, then pauses]: "'Plunk'! That's
     the sound I'm looking for!"

> down in a chair at the table and yawned again.
> "I hate mornings."

Rebecca: Mornings are fine just as long as you don't have to be there.

>    "So why are you up?" asked DJ as he stacked four more waffles
> in the on-deck circle by the toaster.

Dan: The what? In the what? And how many waffles does he eat,
     anyway?
Mohan: They're *wafflicious* You can't have just one.
Rebecca: This is like Lisa with her hamburgers.

> "It's our day off, you could have slept in."
>    "Your fault," Misato replied.
>    "Um?"

Gouka: [Misato] You're the unholy spawn of hell, Croft, and I curse
     you as the primary source of pain in my life.

>    "I smelled food."

Dan: Ah, good ole' Misato.
Rebecca: The Lina Inverse factor takes control.
Gouka: Inverse?  Don't mention a hack like that around a real
     sorceror.
[Dan starts laughing.  Gouka's response is an indignant glower.]

>    "Oh.  Sorry.  I'll go out for breakfast on off mornings from
> now on."

Rebecca: All Misato's mornings are *off.*
Gouka: Yes, I hear Tok-- excuse me, *Worchester-3*, has a bitchin'
     IHOP.

>    Misato waved his apology away; the gesture turned into the
> kind of hand-wave that wants something about halfway through, so
> DJ got her a beer and braced for the First-Gulp Scream.

Rebecca: Beer before breakfast. Wow.
Dan: What's wrong with that?
Rebecca: Dan, you have a lifestyle that would make Misato blush.
Gouka: Oh, gods, not *again*....

>    "YYEEEAAAHH!!  WOOOOOO!  THAT's the way to start the day.

Gouka: GYAH!  SILENCE, SHE-BEAST!
Rebecca: What, being woken by an avatar and his waffles?
Dan: Are you kidding? DJ's the waffle king!
Mohan [spokesman]: Waffles: Try some today.
Rebecca: Personally, I'm surprised he didn't give them a brand name.

> What's the matter, aren't you going to join me?"
>    "I try not to indulge before lunch-time," replied DJ.
> "Besides, I've some things to do today."

Gouka: How responsible! DJ remembers not to drink before hopping
     into the entry plug.

>    "Oh, that reminds me," said Misato, hunting around in the
> pockets of her jacket, which hung on the chair she was sitting
>in. "Here."  She held out two plastic cards.  DJ took them and
> examined the top one: it was a plastic passcard with a photo of
>him

Gouka: [DJ] Misato, according to this card my name is Gunther Kurtz
     and I'm 42 years old.
Rebecca: [Misato] Just shut up, take it, and restock the liquor cabinet!
Mohan: You always look so bad in those photos.
Dan: [DJ, Reading] Sanjay Ikarmatouran... The hell?

> grinning his 'rakish' grin (so that's why they took that
>picture),

Mohan: And he's no exception, clearly.
Gouka: Feel free to read 'rakish' as 'shit-eating'.

> emblazoned with a bar code, his name and address, and "NERV" in large black
> letters across the top.

Gouka: He was now a member of the NERV Super Savers Club!

>    "That's your permanent passcard," Misato explained.  "I
> checked with Special Section - it'll also serve as your ID,
> driver's license and weapons pass,

Mohan [Misato]: And it's accepted in thousands of retail stores
     nationwide!
Dan: Plus you can use it to get videos out of NERV's extensive
     library.

> even though you're underage.

Rebecca: Must... control... fist of death...
Mohan: [Misato] Even though everyone else around here has to follow
     this stupid little thing called the law.
Gouka: Because children under phenomenal stress *need* to have
     access to fast-moving vehicles and instruments of death.

> You can't buy
> age-restricted substances with it, though, so I'll still have to
> buy the beer," she added with a grin.

Gouka: [Misato] It's your job to get hold of the heroin.

>    "Bah," DJ replied, flipping the cards in his hand and
> examining the other.

Dan: Tough! Live with it. You'll just have to obey the same laws as
     regular people.
Gouka: No, we don't.  That's the *point* of being an Avatar.
Dan: I hate having to work alongside the people I usually riff.
Gouka: You *are* the people you riff, you moron.

>    It was the same as the first, except that instead of his
> photo, name and address, it had Rei Ayanami's; she gazed out of
> the picture with a blank look that said, "I'm so -very- thrilled
> to be here.  Really."

All: Our thoughts exactly.
Gouka: Shallow Evangelion stereotype #8465: Rei Ayanami Has No
     Personality.
Dan: Does she actually have any other facial expressions?
Mohan: Actually I think she was reading this fic when that
     picture was taken.

>    "Hullo, what's this?

Mohan: It's Rei's passcard, just a guess.

>                     Why did you give me Rei's passcard?"

Rebecca: Just in case you wanted to try a bit of cross-dressing.
     What do you think?

>    "It's her new one, it was issued yesterday with yours and I
> forgot to give them to either of you.  If you're going out, would
> you run it by her apartment?"

Rebecca: I have this horrid sense of foreboding.
Gouka: I have a ten-carat ruby that says DJ ends up sleeping with
     her before the episode's over.
Dan: You're on.

>    "Oh.  Sure, I'll do that."

Rebecca: [Minneweigan accent] Oh, yah. Sure. I'll do that. Yah.
Dan: Oh god, not again.

> The waffles popped up; DJ buttered
> them, shuffled them onto a plate, and plunked them down in front
> of Misato, following them shortly with a bottle of syrup.

Gouka: The step-by-step description of eating breakfast... my
     *GOD*, this is thrilling!
Dan: Damn, all this talk of breakfast is making me hungry. Is it
     too late for breakfast?
Rebecca: 'Fraid so.
Mohan [impish]: It's *never* too late for waffles! [whistles]
Gouka [glaring at Mohan]: Please stop.

>    "Mmm, thank you!" Misato declared, digging in with gusto as
> her roommate put the on-deck waffles into the toaster for
> himself.

Mohan [announcer]: Batting clean-up for the waffles...
Gouka: You know, that makes it sound like the waffles are ready to
     go to war.

>"So what are you up to this morning?"

Rebecca: [DJ] Oh, just thought I'd insert myself into a couple more
     fanfics, ruin some more fans' pitiful lives... You know, stuff.

> she asked around a mouthful of waffle.
>    "Well," said DJ, eyeing his pass speculatively, "if this thing
> really gives me the authority, I guess I'll go and buy a
> motorcycle."

Rebecca: Please don't let him.
Gouka: I have a ten-carat emerald that says he ends up with a
     Motorslave.
Dan: I'll take you up on that one too. And while we're at it, where
     does he get the money from?
Mohan: Probably busy draining Lara's estate.
Rebecca: Now that makes me wonder about her "mysterious
     disappearance," especially considering that he "was too sick to
     join her" on that one.

>    "What kind?" asked Misato curiously.

Dan: [DJ] One with two wheels and an engine.

>    "The kind that's small enough my feet will reach the ground,"
> DJ replied.  "It's not easy only coming up to a meter and a
> half."

All: ...
Gouka: I suppose I should say something off-color about that, but
     nothing really seems to do it justice.
[Rebecca nods.]

>    It was a warm day, but not massively hot, so DJ was not
> particularly uncomfortable, even though he was dressed in his
> heavy boots and jeans, and had his leather jacket slung over his
> pack.  It was too warm by far to -wear- the jacket while walking,

Gouka: It *WAS*?!  Sweet mother of God!  Whatever will DJ do
     *next*?

> but if his quest
> panned out he was going to need it.Œ>
>    He fingered the hard-edged cards in his pocket as he sloped
> down the street, humming along with the song in his headphones.
>
>        /*  Genesis  "Anything She Does"  _Invisible Touch_  */

Dan: [Director] Cue the mood music.
Rebecca: Getting me in the mood for mayhem.
Gouka: Is that what that blathering is?  Considering how cool DJ
     is, you think he'd have gotten something better than bloody
     'Genesis'...
Mohan [sighs]: Yes, just to remind those who traded in their Phil
     Collins CDs at Sam Goody exactly why they did so...

>    After a lengthy tour of the Gold Star Boulevard strip of auto
> dealerships and the like,

Dan: DJ realized he was lost.
Gouka: And I realized that I was bored out of my skull.

> DJ found what he was looking for at a little
> hole-in-the-wall bike shop called "Joe's Performance Center",

Mohan: You're actually *buying* here? Ooh, minus points, DJ.
Rebecca: Any seedier, and it would be operating out of the back of
     a van.

> beyond the Greendale Mall on West Boylston.

Mohan: [Grand voice] Great adventure lies beyond the terror of the
     Greendale Mall in the far-off and mysterious land of West Boylston.
     Are you up for the challenge?

> Though the shop was small, kind
> of cluttered-looking and with only a small selection, DJ knew
> enough about cycles to know that what selection there was boasted
> a fine range of machines,

Gouka: So there's a very small selection, but it just so happens to
     be a very very *good* small selection.  Of *course*.  Someone never
     passed Economics, did they?

> and the scruffy, bearded, balding
> fellow in the leather vest and chaps who ran the place (Joe, he
> supposed)

Rebecca: No, wait! It's Weird Pete Ashton!
Mohan: It's any gaming shop owner anywhere.

> was a jovial and knowledgeable fellow.

Dan: [Yawns] Man, this is intense. I'm going to sleep over here.
Gouka: And young DJ is a right capital chap himself!

>         "Lookin' for a ride, are ya, son?"

[Rebecca laughs uncontrollably]
Mohan: [DJ] I *beg* you pardon!
Gouka: At this point I'd just be grateful for the presence of
     *some* kind of action in the story...

> he asked, sizing DJ up with
> a critical eye.  "You look a little young for it."

Rebecca: [In between sobs of laughter] Just how he likes 'em!
Gouka: [grinning] Ah, finally, something *interesting*...
Mohan: Suddenly it's "Scared Straight".

>    "So I've been told," replied DJ, handing Joe his passcard.

Gouka: [DJ] But I'm still the highest paid worker in the Red Light
     District!

> "They tell me this'll open the way, so to speak."

Gouka: That's an awfully grandiose way to refer to lubricant.
Mohan: [Grand voice] You hold in your hand the key to great
     adventure, young one!
Rebecca: Do you mind?

>    Joe examined the card for a moment, then swiped it through the
> mag reader on the side of the register; it beeped, and a moment
> later the Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles file on Derek
> J. Croft appeared on the display screen off to the other side.

Dan: [Snores loudly]
Rebecca: It also showed his almost innumerable traffic offences.

> DJ leaned over to look, having never encountered such a thing
> before;

Mohan: [DJ] Ooh! Shiny thing!
Gouka: He's been halfway around the bloody world, and he's never
     seen a supermarket scanner.  Of course, story.

> it had the same grainy photo of him that was on the card,

Rebecca: Same despicably smug grin.
Gouka: Look, it's not like he can *help* it...

> and listed him as a Class
> C/M operator (Special Dispensation) - authorized to operate
> passenger vehicles and motorcycles.

Rebecca: As well as big purple robots.
Mohan: Sometimes he even goes around in tight shorts.

>    "Well, I'll be damned," said Joe, regarding the card with new
> respect before handing it back to its owner.  "Hell of a job
>benefit."

Gouka: Yes, I'd be willing to live a high-stress life under almost
     constant surveillance in a military facility to get a free
     motorcycle, too!

>    DJ grinned.  "Only reason I took the job,"

Rebecca: Yeah, right. You only do it to get into Misato's pants.
Gouka: I certainly hope you're right.  I'd hate to find out that
     Croft was a *complete* idiot.

> he replied.  "Got
> anything that'll work for someone my size?

Rebecca: [Joe] Kid, there's not a woman in the world who wouldn't
     take one look at something your size and laugh herself senseless.

>Back across the Pond I had a Triumph Defender;

Mohan: Right now I have a vision of Lara's "hard earned" fortune
     flying out the window.

> a little tall for me, but I got used to it."
>    "Don't get much call for English bikes,"

Rebecca: So flog him an American one, you mindless... Sorry.

> said Joe, "but... "
> He looked DJ over again with a more appraising glance, then
> grinned.

Gouka: [Joe] Yeah, his head'll look *real* good mummified on a
     salad plate.

>"I got somethin' I think'll suit." He led the way to the end of the
> row of cycles.  "Hop up here and see what you think," he said.

Mohan: The riveting motorbike mounting scene...
Rebecca: -he said, unzipping his trousers and swaying his hips.

>    It was a nice bike, there was no questioning that;

Gouka: Oh, of *course* it is!  It's *Croft's*!

> like a
> dwarf cruiser hog, with smooth V-patterned tires, lots of
> gleaming chrome pipes and such,

Mohan: Not that they actually do anything; they're just there to look
     good.

> classic lines and a V-twin piston engine rather
> than the gas-turbine electric direct-drive system which had come
> into fashion around 2010.

Rebecca: [DJ] Stuff the environment, I wanna rev it!
Gouka: Yes, it *just so happens* to be exactly like a twentieth
     century motorcycle!  How about that?

> Its steering system was similarly retro, a
> direct-steering bar-and-forks assembly rather than the
> liquid-balanced, computer-controlled ride-by-wire system of the
> most modern racers.

Mohan: [DJ] Yes, but can it turn into power armor?
Gouka: [DJ] I want to pay a lot of money for something as archaic
     and inefficient as possible, please!

>    DJ swung a leg over it and settled easily into the saddle, his
> feet easily reaching the ground without making him feel as if he
> were crouching over a toy bicycle.

Gouka: Instead, he felt like he was crouching painfully over a very
     large motorcycle.

> The handlebars were at a
> comfortable distance and angle, and he noticed that the footpegs
> were actually large running boards, big enough for his feet to
> rest entirely upon. They were forward a bit for extra comfort at
> highway cruise, like any proper hog ought to have.

Rebecca, Mohan & Gouka: INTENSE MOTORBIKE DESCRIPTION ACTION!
Dan: [Starts awake] Huh? What? Did I miss something?
Mohan: Not a thing.
Dan: Eh, my bike's way better than that anyway.
Gouka: So says "I'm not an Avatar" boy.
Rebecca: Go back to sleep.

>    "This here's a Corley Twin Atlas," said Joe, patting the tank.

Mohan: The motorcycle purred responsively and nuzzled Joe.

> "It's the 2014 model; I got it on a special-order for somebody,
> but he backed out.
>
>I already lowered the suspension and the bars 'cause he was a
>pretty short guy himself.  How's it feel?"

Gouka: [DJ] Like a motorbike.

>    "Not bad.  What can you tell me about it?"
>    "Well, it's just what you see, nothing real fancy," the
> mechanic replied.  "500 cc liquid-cooled piston engine,

Mohan: Walk-in wardrobe.

> five-speed mechanical transmission,

Dan: Five-stack CD player.

> oil-balanced shaft drive.

Rebecca: All-weather attack avionics.

> Disc brakes,

Gouka: Two bathrooms.

> electric or kick start

Rebecca: In your choice of paisley or plaid.
Mohan: [Announcer] How much would you pay?

> - Corley's the last bike in the world with a
> backup kick starter.  She'll do a hundred and forty on a straight
> with a light rider,

Mohan [Joe]: You push this button and it plays a samba.

>               but I'm required by law to tell ya I don't
> recommend testin' that claim," he added with a wink.

Gouka: Which means "Go straight ahead and get yourself killed!"
All: Hooray!

>    DJ considered for a moment, then pulled out his wallet.  "I do
> hope you take MasterCard," he said.

Gouka: [Joe] MasterCard?!  Look, punk-ass, I just take American
     Express!
Rebecca: Don't let this happen to *you*.
Mohan: Can I just pause here and say that scene was the most
     unbelievably unnecessary piece of writing I've ever seen?
Dan: Yes, but he didn't get a motorslave. Pay up, Gouka.
Gouka [scowling and drawing out the gem]: Dammit, I could have sworn...

>    DJ left the Corley parked in the small lot next to the
> apartment building that stood at 2501 Wilmont Street,

Dan: Do you reckon that was meant to be a funny reference to "Ghost
     In The Shell?"
Mohan: I'm laughing. Really.

> hung his helmet
> on the handlebar, checked that the spare was secure on the side,
> and hoped that this wasn't the kind of neighborhood where people
> stole things they had no conceivable use for just to take them.
> What kind of fence value did a motorcycle helmet have, anyway?

Gouka: Perish the thought!  This is *Worcester*, not some stinking
     rathole like Tokyo or New York!
Mohan: Thanks for the social/cultural aside, Ben.

> He made his way
> to the front of the grey, nondescript, in fact quite ugly block
> of flats and up to the fourth floor, trying to ignore the
> repetitive hammering noise of a pile driver in a nearby
> construction area.  The stairwell stank of things he preferred
> not to think about,

Gouka: Yes, I can see why NERV allows personnel vital to the
     existence of the human race to live here...
Rebecca: My god, he's walked into 'The Bill.' Maybe June will book
     him for being an underaged drinker, driver and carrying a gun.
     Maybe Polly will try to be nice to him even.
Dan: You okay?
Rebecca: Fine. [Sobs]

> and he
> wondered, not for the first time since arriving in the general
> area, whose brilliant idea it had been to quarter a
> fourteen-year-old girl alone here.

Gouka: And of course, DJ has more common sense than all of NERV
     *combined*!
Dan: Oh no. Not that.
Mohan: What?
Dan: I just figured which scene in NGE this would be...
Gouka: [smirks] Took you long enough.

>    The door to Apartment 4C was as nondescript and ugly as the
> rest of the building. DJ thumbed the doorbell-speaker buzzer

Dan: Thingamajigie.

> next to the door a couple of times,

Mohan: Gee, maybe she's *not home*, DJ.

> to no avail; he wasn't entirely sure the
> unit was working, since he heard nothing through the door.

Gouka: [DJ] Hmmm... I wonder if she doesn't want to talk to me.
     Naaah, that couldn't be it...

> Giving that up, he tried knocking; when the produced no reply, he
> tried the knob.

Rebecca: DJ, this is neither the time nor place.

> The door opened without protest,

Mohan: It reached an agreement at the union meeting.

>                             dragging a bit on a pile of
> mail that had built up, delivered but uncollected, behind the
> mail slot.

Rebecca: Ah, it's all junk mail, anyway.
Mohan: [DJ] Let's see... AOL sample CDs...Seventeen...Wal-Mart
     advertisements...
Gouka: Are *none* of these people intelligent enough to go through
     with simple housecleaning procedures?

>    There was a part of DJ Croft that was a born snoop.

Rebecca: You mean 'weasel'.

> How could
> he have enjoyed, no, reveled in a life of poking around old tombs
> and relics and monuments if that were not so?

Dan: The monetary benefits?
Gouka: The fact that his mother probably did all of the work?
Rebecca: The fact that he got to walk behind her the whole way?

> The chance of airing some eons-dead pharaoh's dirty laundry,
> so to speak, was as alluring as the
> payoff and every bit as much fun as the trip itself, as far as he
> was concerned.  This place was somehow more daunting than the
> Lost Tomb of Qualopec,

Dan: But a lot easier to pronounce.
Gouka: Qualopec, god of convenient gibberish names!

> though, he mused as he edged his way into a gloomy
> foyer/mini-kitchen.

Gouka: Poor Rei... going from a cheerless yet antiseptic room in
     Tokyo-3 to being forced to live in an out of character hovel just
     so DJ can rescue her.  Sad, really.
Dan: You get used to *avatars* doing things like that.
Gouka: Well, it's utterly brilliant work on DJ's part, I have to admit...

> Judging from the amount of dust on the
> fixtures, the kitchen facilities hadn't been used in about as
> long as Qualopec's tomb fittings, either.

Rebecca: Hey! It's Aztec Mummy!
Gouka: You'd think Qualopec would be using them...

>    "Rei?" he called, but got no answer.  "Are you here?"
> Nothing.  He made his way down a short corridor into what he,
> being English,

Mohan: Notice how many times he feels the need to remind us of that
     fact. Basically, despite a few airs, DJ is written as being about
     as English as... as...
Dan: He's about as English as James Bond.

> automatically thought of as a bed-sit - a combination living
> room and bedroom.

Gouka: These strange, exotic, *British* words... it's like escaping
     into a whole new realm of amazing fantasy and high adventure!

>Although it didn't have much of a bed, just a bare mattress and
>pillow with some rather distressing splotches he didn't take long
>to identify as

Dan: Apple sauce?
Rebecca: Beer?
Mohan: Transmission fluid?
Gouka: Contact cleaning solution?
Dan: A reminder of Fate of the Children?
Rebecca: [Hits him with a cushion] Consider yourself wa-takked.

> fairly fresh blood, and it didn't look as if
> anybody actually lived in it. There were no posters, no books, no
> decorations of any kind - just a battered, armless desk chair,
> a small refrigerator, and a dresser.  No computer, no TV, not
> even a small radio.

Mohan: So she's an art student?
Gouka: Nothing to spout an endless stream of vapid pop-culture
     entertainment?!  Dear God, how does the girl *survive*?!

> In the corner was a cardboard box filled with lumpy,
> discolored linen - discarded bandages.

Dan: Better call the cops. Might have a lead on that missing
     mummy case.
Rebecca: I wonder what possessed the authors to think that Rei
     wouldn't know how a garbage can works?

>    DJ wondered if the power was even connected; behind him, the
> mini-fridge's compressor hummed to life, answering that question for
> him and making him jump involuntarily.

Gouka: [DJ] GYAH!  REFRIGERATOR!

> This was the creepiest
> dwelling he could ever remember having been in; like many of the
> places he and his mother had explored, it gave him the sensation
> that he was the first living human to tread its floors in
> centuries.

Mohan: [DJ] It's all dark and scary and stuff!...

>    Through the connecting door on the far well, DJ heard a shower
> turn off;

Rebecca [sighs]: Cue the fan service.
Gouka: Oh, and *now* she's practicing personal cleanliness!  Is she
     a pig or not, story?!

> until the sound stopped, he hadn't realized he was
> hearing it.  Well, now he knew where Rei was, anyway.

Dan [DJ]: Damn. Shoulda taken a look.

>    He caught sight of a pair of spectacles sitting folded atop
> the dresser; picking them up, he turned them curiously over in
> his hands.  Surely they were too big to be Rei's - and they were
> damaged, the metal frames warped as if by heat, one lens cracked
> by the pressure of the deformed metal around it.  He held them up
> to the light, but did not put them on, and confirmed that the
> prescription was fairly weak.

Gouka: Ahem. "DJ saw a pair of glasses lying on the nightstand and
     picked them up to examine them.  They were damaged, the frames
     warped and one lens cracked, and they obviously did not belong to
     Rei."

>    The door opened behind him.

Mohan [dramatically]: The *door* *opened* *behind* him...

> Turning, he opened his mouth to
> say something, but was caught up short by the sight that awaited
> him.

Dan: The eternal fanboy's dream.

>    Rei Ayanami stood in the doorway from the bathroom, a towel
> draped her shoulders; other than that, she wore nothing else.

Rebecca: Cut out that drooling!
[Hits Dan with a cushion]
Dan: I wasn't! I wasn't!
Gouka: Really, you two should learn how to be refined about your
     lechery.  Like me.
Dan: There's nothing refined about you.
Mohan: I prefer my lifemate *over* the age of 14. Perhaps I'm
     picky.

> Her
> injuries had, at least externally, healed entirely - her arm out
> of its cast, her pale skin smooth, unbroken and unbruised.  She
> was whole, ghostly-white and, at least to DJ's eyes, absolutely
> perfect.

Gouka: And now we pause while one of the authors injects his own
     personal opinion into the story.
Dan: She looks real perfect to me!
[Rebecca whacks him with a cushion]

>    "Ah... " said DJ smoothly.

Mohan: Looks more like he's panicking to me.

>    Her red eyes flicked to the spectacles DJ still held in his
> right hand,

Gouka [standing up in alarm]: The Red Eye!  SHE'S BEEN POSSESSED BY
     THE RED EYE!
[Rebecca, Dan and Mohan all stare back at Gouka.]
Gouka [sitting down]: Ahhh... never mind.

> then narrowed ever so slightly, and she strode
> purposefully across the room toward him, the towel falling away
> unnoticed.

Mohan: If I recall, at this point Shinji froze stiff. I get the
     feeling that isn't gonna happen here...
Dan: Well something's gonna go stiff.
[Rebecca hits Dan some more]
Gouka: I'm glad I took a seat over here where I can lust after the
     naked young girl in peace.

>    "If this is a bad time - " DJ began;

Mohan: Hmm, let's see... she's just walked out of the shower naked
     and is striding towards you with apparent malicious intent...
     Nope! It's fine.

> then she reached him, snatching away the glasses.

Rebecca: [Rei] *My* ice cream bar!

> He tried to take a step back from the
> sudden, unexpected fierceness in her eyes, but before he made it
> a half-step he ran into the dresser;

Dan: [DJ, muffled] Help! Someone get me outta here!
Gouka: An exact translation of a scene from an anime rehashed in
     text!  My God, in this single moment, this story is *brilliant*!

> thus unbalanced, he had to do a
> quickstep to try to keep from crashing backward with the item of
> furniture, in the process making quite a mess.

Mohan: Because he could only tango.
Gouka: ... and now, it's a train wreck of pretentious verbiage
     again.

> This was brought up
> short by Rei's proximity - he couldn't complete the step without
> treading on her bare feet with his boots -

Gouka: Had he been wearing sneakers, DJ wouldn't have minded
     stomping all over her stupid feet.

> and, completely
> overbalanced now, he toppled forward, letting out in vain an
> inarticulate and too-late warning cry.

Rebecca: Pervert coming through!
Mohan: "They fell down."

>    With a crash, they both fell to the floor,
> Rei on her back and DJ atop her;

Dan: Where he's always wanted to be.
Gouka: Wouldn't he want to use a more exciting position?  If some
     of the things on the Internet I've found are to be believed, young
     Rei there is quite limber, and--
[Mohan smacks Gouka with another psionic backhand.]
Dan [speaking on a mobile phone]: Hey, Voice? When do I get to
     be butt-kickingly all-powerful?
Gouka: Give into the Dark Side, Dan!  Accept your true nature!

> he managed to come down on his knees, one knee between
> hers, and with those and his outstretched right hand, which
> brushed her left side and solidly struck the floor, kept most of
> his weight off her.

Gouka: So... they're playing twister... or something.
Dan: [DJ] Come here often?

>    For a very long moment, they remained frozen there,

Mohan: Someone turn up the thermostat!

> DJ wide-eyed and terrified that he'd hurt her,

Dan: Like hell.
Rebecca: Ah, come on Dan. You're just jealous.

> Rei gazing
> expressionlessly up at him - apparently unconcerned.  His horror
> at the accident faded as he looked down at her,

Gouka: [DJ] Hey... I'm on top of a hot naked chick!  Fear might not
     be the appropriate reaction!

> replaced by that strange feeling of mixed perception and longing
> he'd felt at their first meeting, and as it had then, the moment
> stretched.

Mohan: Time to cue up the Titanic theme... *Again.*
Gouka: Hmmm... does this mean that this particular Rei Ayanami is
     a clone of Lara Croft?  Because otherwise, this entire scene is
     overemotional drivel that wouldn't even be printable in a cheap
     romance novel.
Dan: Oh, it's just his Aura of Smooth working on her. You should know
     about that.
Gouka: Oh!  Right, right, forgot for a moment.

>    And broke as she said softly, "Please get off me."

Rebecca: [Rei] So I can get the shotgun.
Gouka: DJ, I'd go ahead and get used to women telling you that.

>    It was only then that DJ glanced further down and noticed
> that,

Gouka: ... Rei had certain body parts that nothing female should
     have.  The effect was strangely... alluring.

> while his right hand had cleared her and was supporting
> most of his upper body's weight on the floor, his left had come
> neatly down upon her right breast and now cupped it gently.

Rebecca: Notice how every scene is liberally re-written so it
     happens differently but this one occurs *exactly* the same.
Gouka: Because it's completely plausible that DJ would react
     *exactly* the same way Shinji did in this scene.
Dan: Hey, I doubt he could improve it.
Rebecca: Very cute.
[Rebecca hits him with a cushion.]

>    Hoping she didn't think he'd taken such a liberty on purpose

Dan: And, of course, she'd be right.

> (and half-hating the necessity of removing that hand, since it
> fitted its current perch quite well),

Dan: GAH! Does this freak ever let up?
Rebecca: Geez, even you don't act like that.
Dan: Yeah... Hey!
Gouka: I'm just happy the author didn't suddenly make DJ shy and
     non-lecherous for the sake of ripping the scene off more
     completely.

> DJ rolled away to his right, falling on
> his side and then rolling to his back beside her on the floor.
>
>    "I'm terribly sorry," he said, looking sidelong at her.  "I
> really didn't mean for that to happen."

Mohan: Pull the other one, it has got bells on it.

>    Rei did not reply; she got up, went to the dresser, selected
> appropriate underwear (white cotton, part of DJ's mind noted,
> very practical),

Rebecca: The kind of women's underwear he prefers.
Mohan: What, to remove?
Rebecca: No, to wear.

> and began to dress.  She didn't seem offended; in fact,
> she didn't seem to care at all that he'd barged into her
> apartment, knocked her down and had a bit of a grope for himself
> in the process. Nor did she seem to care that he remained,
> watching her dress and trying to word apologies.

Dan: Instead, she was just planning to call her lawyer.

> DJ interpreted this to mean that she was so
> very angry with him about it all that she couldn't find an
> expression for it.

Mohan: Seems like DJ's as wrong about Rei as the authour is.

>    Not until she had finished dressing, in skirt, blouse, vest,
> black socks (as opposed to stockings)

Gouka: Thanks, again, for the aside. I wouldn't have noticed that.
Dan: Or cared.

> and flat shoes, did Rei
> acknowledge DJ's presence again, this time by standing over him,
> looking down and saying,

Rebecca: [Rei as Marissa] Grovel before me, pitiful avatar! For I
     am queen of the universe!
Dan: [DJ] What a view!

>    "What?"
>    DJ sat up, reached into his shirt pocket, removed her passcard
> and held it up between his fingers.  "Your new passcard.  Misato
> asked me to give it to you."
>    She took it without a word, nodded slightly, and, without
> another word or a backward glance, left the apartment,
> DJ's last plaintive, "Look, I'm really sorry - !"

Mohan: [DJ] Really!
Rebecca: [DJ] Honest, I didn't *mean* to grope you or anything!
Dan: [DJ] Of course she didn't notice I had my fingers crossed.

> trailing ineffectually behind her.
>    For reasons he could not quite explain to himself later on,

Gouka: And that I'm sure the author will make no attempt to explain
     meaningfully to the readers...

> DJ
> found this turn of events unutterably depressing, so he curled up
> on the floor of her apartment and had himself a bit of a cry.

Dan: What a wuss. Shinji kept groveling for a while.
Gouka: I believe this is the saddest attempt at making a character
     sympathetic I've ever seen.
Rebecca: Oh, tough luck, DJ. You may not get to boff her for another
     week.

>    Where the hell are you, Mum?

Mohan: The hell?...
Dan: On the wall of every computer game fan's bedroom.
Rebecca: Appearing in Playboy.
Dan: Or X-Raider.
Mohan: Inside Unit 01's head.
Dan: Uh... what?
Rebecca: I'll explain later. But suffice it to say... well, you know
     how Unit 01 is Shinji's mum? Well...
Dan: I'm going to explode.
Gouka: I believe this would also mean that Rei Ayanami would have
     to be an angelic clone of she of the rectangular breasts as well.
Dan: Trust me, we'd know by now.

>    He got home at almost exactly noon, furious with himself and
> blue at the same time,

Mohan: So... he got hit by a paint truck?
Gouka: Either that or he's mutating into a Smurf, which is quite
     possibly the only way he could be more loathesome.

> to find Misato and Jon had started cleaning the
> apartment without him.
>
>    "We thought maybe you'd gotten held up, or gone to lunch with
> Rei or something,

Dan: [DJ] "Something!"
Gouka: [Misato] After all, you're the self-insertion of the day, so
     it seemed pretty obvious that you were going to score...

> so we figured we'd surprise you and get started
> without you," Misato explained. "Did you give her the card?"
>    "Yes," DJ replied, declining to elaborate.

Mohan: Yeah, that's gonna sound great. [DJ] I also knocked her
     down, groped her and watched her get dressed, noting her choice in
     underwear and socks.

>    "And?" Misato went on, picking up a couch cushion, fluffing it
> up and deciding it wasn't -too- dusty.
>    "And what?" DJ replied, brow furrowing as he arranged the
> magazines on the coffee table into some semblance of a stack.

Dan: [DJ] I shall arrange these magazines geometrically.
Rebecca: [Misato] Thanks! We wouldn't have thought of putting them
     in a *pile*.

>    "And how'd it go?" Misato asked.

Dan: Just watch episode five of EVA and lobotomize it.

>    "Bloody awful, if you must know," replied DJ.

Rebecca: [DJ] She didn't pay *any* attention to me!  It was
     horrifying!

>    "What?  What happened?" asked Jon.
>    DJ told them, finishing with, "... and then she just left.
> Wouldn't even listen to my apology, not that I really blame her.
> Christ, what a mess!  I haven't been so bloody clumsy in years.
> I only hope I didn't hurt her,

Gouka: [DJ] After all, my body *is* a deadly weapon, and I could
     easily kill *anyone* be so much as poking them in the wrong
     place!

> although she didn't seem hurt -
> only bloody furious," he added with a wry chuckle.

Dan: Because when I'm furious, I just sort of ignore the object
     of my anger.
Mohan: [DJ] And to top it all off, I just thought I'd have a few
     laughs at Rei's expense.

>    "I don't think I've ever seen Rei furious," Misato mused.

Mohan: [Misato] Drunk, yes, but that's another story.
Rebecca: [Misato] Some men have all the luck.

>    "She didn't really show it," DJ said,

Dan: Although she showed an awful lot else.
Gouka: [DJ] She showed no outward signs of it, but she *was* angry
     at me!  I just know it!  The *fairies* told me!

> "but the way she just
> dressed and left... well, what else could she be, really?

Rebecca: Quietly plotting her revenge involving your messy, violent
     demise? It's what I'd do.
Gouka: Wow, DJ has the interpersonal skills of a rotting squirrel
     carcass.

> She obviously wasn't entertained by the whole fiasco."

Dan: Nah, she likes having perverted little runts grope her.

> He sighed gustily.

Mohan: [DJ] Oh, woe is I.  The troubles and tribulations that face
     me are almost too much to bear, at times...

> "So, bang goes whatever friendship I might have had with -her-, at
> least for a while.  Anyway, let's get this place clean and do
> some grocery shopping;

Rebecca: You make it sound like you'll have time left this decade.
Gouka: Grocery shopping?  I'm not sure I'll be able to survive the
     sheer *suspense* of this story.

> it's about time we had some real food around here for a change."

Mohan: With you cooking?

>    As they set to cleaning the kitchen spaces, Jon worked with
> only half his mind, the other half lost in thought.

Dan: Which was still half more than DJ was using.

>    Rei, angry?  He admittedly didn't know her well - or at least
> hadn't known her long - but that didn't seem right to him.

Mohan: You're not the only one.
Gouka: It's sad that Jon is endearing for no other reason than his
     ability to grasp the obvious.

> He would have to ask her about it.
>
>    "Have you seen," asked DJ over dinner that night, "the
> apartment they've got her living in?"

Rebecca: [Misato] Only from the safety of a hazard suit.

>    "Huh?" replied Misato, busily working away at a wedge of the
> floridly overstuffed lasagna DJ had baked to 'christen' the
> apartment's never-before-used oven.

Gouka: [Misato, dumbly] MISATO EAT.
Dan: And of course, DJ's a master chef.
Rebecca: Of course. Would you expect anything less out of the
     uberkid?

>    "Rei," said DJ.  "She's living in a dreadful heap of a place
> over on Wilmont, in the construction zone.  Bloody pile driver
> banging away at all hours of the day and night,

Rebecca: [Cracks up laughing]
Dan: O_o
Gouka: [DJ] I'll never score if I have to compete with one of
     *those*!
Mohan: Yes, but what would Freud have said?

> I shouldn't wonder, not the
> kind of place I'd want to live on my own.
> And the apartment itself is horrible, I've raided nicer
> tombs than that dump.

Mohan: [DJ] Some had really nice carpets and one even had striped
     wallpaper!
Gouka: Look, what a clever play on words!  Why, that makes me feel
     positively suicidal!

> She's no computer,

Rebecca: Brilliant deduction, Croft.  No, she isn't a computer,
     though I can see how you might be fooled.

> no TV, no books... no life, far as I can tell.  'S awful.

Gouka: [DJ] I mean, what does she do all day?  Train? Study?
Dan: Never ask what Rei gets up to. Heck, she might even go to
     *school!*

>What kind of a person can live that way?"

Dan: Just look across the table.

>    Misato shrugged.  "Not everybody's a bon vivant like you, DJ."

Dan: Not everyone knows what that means either.
Gouka: Dear lord, the authors let Misato use *mutlisyllabic* words!
Mohan: I hope to God Misato was using some form of sarcasm...

>    "Maybe not, sure," DJ replied,

Gouka: [DJ] It'd be ridiculous to expect everyone to be as cool as
     *me*.

> "but most people at least have
> a hobby or two, a friend, a guardian,

Rebecca: A Gerwalk.
Dan: A Renegade, even.
Gouka: [DJ] And since, in my five-minute visit to her apartment, I
     comprehended her life completely, I must now save her from herself.

> someone to make sure they live better than -that-.

Mohan: Someone special. Someone who's always there when you're down.
Rebecca: Someone to remind you that your life *could* be worse.
Dan: Ever think that she might not mind?

> There's... there's not a shred of -joy- in that
> place, or in her.

Gouka [DJ]: I used my magical ability to see into her soul to tell
     that!  And the fairies confirmed it!

>I felt like the life was being sucked out of me just visiting.

Mohan: Has it ever occurred to you that it just might have worked
     the other way around?

>If I lived there and didn't liven the place up  I'd go bloody
> mad."
>    "She won't be there much longer," Jon said.  "Dr. Ikari told
> me yesterday that, if she agrees, he wants to move her in next
> door, with me."

Gouka: [DJ] Dear God!  That's even *worse*!
Dan: Oh, great. So instead of the twenty-four hour construction
     work, she can have a twenty-four hour warzone next door when Asuka
     shows up.
Rebecca: I'm dreading that moment.

>    "Well, that's something, anyway," DJ conceded.  "I'd thought
> to offer her the spare room here, but after today, I doubt she'd
> want to live with me.

Mohan: Never mind, she felt like that anyway.
Gouka: [DJ] How sad, that exposure to my wonderful personality will
     not be able to make her a better person.  Instead, she'll be stuck
     with *you*.

> She might not even care to be next door."  He sighed
> and forked up another mouthful of lasagna.

Gouka: Maybe she just doesn't give a rat's ass about you, DJ.

>    "I doubt she's really as angry as you think," Jon replied.
> "Rei strikes me as very temperate.

Rebecca: She's got a nice climate with warm summers and moderate
     winters.

> Even if she was angry then, she'll
> certainly realize that it was all an accident."

Dan: And DJ will keep claiming that until the day he dies.
Rebecca: Which, judging by the way he's acting, will be about five
     minutes after Asuka shows up.

>    "I hope so, I really do," said DJ.  He looked up at Jon
> suddenly, his eyes bright.  "What do you say you and I, we'll
> -be- the sort of friend I mentioned?"

Gouka: My!  This twist is certainly a surprise!
Dan: [Jon] He moves quickly.
Rebecca: Is this going where I think it's going with DJ and Jon?
Dan, Mohan: Uugh!
Gouka: Please.  That would be too interesting.

>    "I'm not sure I understand."

Rebecca: [Jon] Enlighten me, o godlike main character.

>    "Well, look, Rei either doesn't know or doesn't care how to
> live better than she does.

Gouka: If DJ starts going on about his 'little brown brothers', I
     *will* be forced to become violent.

> If you'd seen her apartment you'd
> know what I mean.

Mohan [DJ]: There's no maid service there, man!  NO MAID SERVICE!

>I think it's up to her friends to help her
> enjoy life more -

Mohan: Yeah great strategy. [DJ] We're gonna annoy her until she
     livens up, dammit!
Dan: [DJ] By being in character she is not submitting to MY WILL!

> problem is, up until now she apparently hasn't had any.
> I think with a little effort we could do that for her, don't
> you?" Jon smiled, comprehension dawning in his eyes.

Gouka: Translation: The 'special greens' in the lasagna began to
     take effect.

>"Yes... yes, I think so," he replied.

Mohan: My god, DJ's even turned Jon into a mindless zombie.
Dan: I'm surprised you can tell.

>    "Right, then - tomorrow, we'll have to go over -your-
> apartment and do a little decorating."

Gouka: [DJ] Your pathetic life isn't up to my standards, either.

>    "Decorating?"
>    "Too right, the place looks like a bloody military barracks
> right now.  Hardly a warm and welcoming home like this,"

Dan: I'm not *touching* that one.
Rebecca: Mutant penguins and beer... *that's* what makes a house a
     home.

> he added,
> gesturing at the newly-tidied hominess of his and Misato's
> apartment.

Gouka: [DJ] See?  I changed this place completely, and look how
     much nicer and unsymbolic everything is!

>"It needs some human touches, something to give it a little
> identity."
>    Jon regarded DJ dubiously.

Mohan: You too, huh?
Dan: I'm beginning to see why you guys like Jon. I mean, he injects a
     much-needed second opinion into everything DJ does. Of course,
     he's still a pathetic and one-dimensional character, but never
     mind.

>    "You don't have the faintest idea what I'm talking about, do
> you?" DJ inquired.
>    Jon shook his head.  "Not really, no."

Dan: Um, maybe not.
Gouka: [Jon] It seems to have something to do with changing my life
     to suit your tastes, but I can't quite believe even *you* are that
     big of a prick.
Rebecca: Believe. It's not like Jon gets a say in it or anything.

>    "Well, trust me.  I have good taste, and we won't do anything
> overblown, all right?

Dan: Let me guess, he's an interior decorator as well?
Rebecca: Probably.

> It'll be good, you'll see.  As we haven't much
> time, though, I'll rely on your help - and yours, too, Misato."

Mohan: [DJ] I know you certainly don't have anything better to do!

>    Misato looked up from her dinner.  "Mine?" she tried to ask,
> but was too busy eating.
>    DJ nodded.  "Even with my special-dispensation license, my
> credit rating, my worldwide fame and my smashing good looks,
> I don't think anybody in his right mind is going to rent me a
> truck."

Rebecca: Well, that one line makes everything, and I mean
     *everything* DJ's said before look like humility itself.
Gouka: Actually, that line was quite obviously *supposed* to make
     DJ look like an idiot.

>    "A truck?" Misato and Jon stereoed.

Mohan: He's got a few more well established characters to run down.
Gouka: [DJ] It's got four wheels, an engine... come on, people,
     *work* with me here...

>    "'Course!" DJ replied.  "How else can we bring the furniture
> home?"

Rebecca: Well, you all manipulate your AT fields-
Dan: Don't go there.

>                   MONDAY

Dan: It's RAW time!
Gouka: You like a sport than involves sweaty scantily-clad men
     grunting on top of each other?  Dan-chan, I just *knew* you were my
     type!
Dan: Actually, I enjoy seeing people I don't like getting hurt. And lay
     off the fanboy Japanese.
Gouka: Sorry, union requirement, Dan-chan.

>    Silently, Rei watched the soothing test patterns of EVA-00's
> viewscreens as the initial loading sequences were run.

Rebecca [Computer Voice]: 640 KB RAM OK.
Dan [Ditto]: Checking for known viruses.
Mohan [Ditto]: All systems nominal.
Gouka [Ditto]: Now loading Windows 95.

> The faint hum of power resonated faintly

Gouka: You're *kidding*!

> through the LCL as the external cables
> supplied the EVA with power,

Gouka: So the faint hum of power as the EVA is supplied with power?
     I never could have guessed that on my own!  My God, this prose is
     pure *genius*!

> starting with the head and working
> downward.

Mohan: Pardon me, but wouldn't it start at the socket?
Rebecca: Unfortunately, they ran out at the knees, restricting it
     to Irish dancing only.

> The M-Sets froze, then pulsed and shifted, becoming
> EVA-00's view of the outside world,
> and Rei felt her perceptions
> shifting outward, feeling herself becoming taller,

All: [Tom Servo] I'm huge!

> braced up, feeling the beginnings of synchrony...
>    Feeling the faintest hint of fear...

Gouka: Tasting the faintest trace of that curry she'd had for lunch
     coming back up...

>    "Main power supply connected.

Rebecca: Inserting the intensifier disk.

> All activation systems to power."

Mohan: Hamster running at full strength.
Gouka: Atomic engines to power!  Turbines to speed!

>    "Operational voltage at critical point.  System nominal."

Dan: Flux capacitor fluxing.

>    "Initiate first link!"

Gouka: Heading to winamp.com,*sir*!

>    Rei settled back in the seat, letting a few stray air bubbles
> escape from her lungs

Rebecca [Rei]: *URP!* Pardon me.
Dan: She shouldn't have had all that soda earlier.

> as she let her perceptions flow outward,

Gouka: How far outward do her bloody perceptions have to flow,
     China?!
Mohan: [Rei] I'm not co-staring with an uber-Child, I'm about
     to kick Angel butt and, darn it, people like me!

> feeling
> the EVA beginning to awaken around her.

Dan: Unfortunately, it takes mornings as well as Misato does.

> The circuits and synapses
> within the head were the first to receive power, and the
> viewscreens dissolved from their Mandelbrot test patterns into
> the view of the featureless white walls of the testing room,
> broken only by the large klaster windows at the opposite end.

Rebecca: Now those are *really* cool screen savers!
Gouka: *Klaster*?  Oh, now you're just making this up as you go
     along, Hutchins.

>    "Confirm power to cerebral systems," Maya's voice came over
> the comm system.  "Ready to initiate second link, Rei."

Gouka: [Rei] Head to slashdot.com, please.

>    "Affirmative," Rei answered quietly, beginning to actively
> seek out synchrony.

Mohan: [Rei] It's in here somewhere...
Dan: [Rei] I need my fix, man!  I need my fix!

> Faintly she could sense the EVA around her,

Gouka: She's been faintly sensing the bloody EVA for three
     paragraphs now!  GET ON WITH IT!

> beginning to merge with her awareness as it gained its own form
> of consciousness.
>    "Synapses active, pulses transmitting normally."

Rebecca: The ISP's treating us well today.

>    "Initial contact: no problems.  Second link confirmed."

Mohan: You have won a dolly!
Dan: My HTML skills are improving!

>    "Empower and synchronize."

All: [Chanting] Empower and synchronize! Empower and synchronize!
Gouka: Rei, we think you're a damn fine pilot, and you and your Eva
     can do anything!

>    The power supply encompassed more and more of the EVA, the
> panels on its arms and then its legs coming alive to indicate
> proper energy feed.

Rebecca: If I didn't know any better, this paragraph would make me
     think it took several *hours* to activate an Eva unit...

>Rei began to feel taller, braced up.

Gouka: SHE FELT THAT WAY THREE PARAGRAPHS AGO!  The bloody fanfic
     is lapping itself now!  ARRRRGH!
Mohan [to Gouka]: Deeeep Huuurting...

>She let herself sink deeper

Dan: Down... down... down...
Mohan: That's one really soft chair she's got there.
Gouka: So is she sitting in the damn mech's stomach now?!

> into the harmony of neural feeds, seeking the needed union
> with the EVA's artificial consciousness.

Gouka: Over and over... just describing the same stupid event over
     and over...
[Gouka begins to weep softly.]
Dan: [Yawns loudly] Actually, this is a breeze.
Gouka: Oh, shut up.

>One mind, one body.

Rebecca: One people, one party, one leader.
Dan: One Nation, even.

>    "Nerve links stable to 2550 and climbing.  Approaching
> borderline.

Dan: This fic is pretty borderline.
Mohan: Don't give this thing that much credit.

> Ready to initiate third link."

Rebecca: Head onward to real.com!

>    There it was.  Waiting for her to reach out to it, merge with
> it, command it.  She reached out...

Gouka [standing up and shouting]: YOU'VE BEEN REACHING OUT FOR TWO
     PAGES NOW!  TWO BLOODY PAGES!!
Mohan: Sad to see a malevolent archmage break down.
[Dan starts snickering]

>    "Ready for third link in 5... 4... 3..."
>    And suddenly her head was on fire.

Rebecca: Been spending too long under the sunlamp, I see.
Gouka: ... I'm not sure whether to be pleased by this or not.

>    In a split second everything became an incomprehensible blur

Mohan: Marking the start of a new Dr. Thinker fic.

> as a howling wave of feedback screamed into her mind.

Gouka: It was remarkably similar to the sound of anything by
     'Korn'.

> Through the haze of pain she felt herself

Rebecca: Rei, this is neither the time, nor the place.

> -- no, she tried to reason, it was the
> EVA, it was the EVA --

Gouka: You're still the one having the bad acid trip, Ayanami.

> struggling violently against the thick
> restraints holding her in place.
>    Then her tortured shoulders broke free of their shackles and
> she clutched at her head -- no, no this was wrong, this was
> wrong,

Rebecca [Rei]: Urkk...I studied the *wrong chapters* for my
     exam!

> it wasn't her in control, it wasn't her, it wasn't her IT WASN'T
> HER.

Mohan: So it wasn't her, then?
Dan: Yeah, I think you made that one clear enough.
Gouka: Maybe repeating everything ad nauseam is Hutchins'
     leitmotif.

>    The external power was cut then.

Dan: NERV was about to find out that it, too, had to pay its
     bills.

> The link split into two
> howling threads,

Rebecca: Don't you hate it when that happens on a message board?

> part of her mind contorted by terrifying panic and
> helpless, the other consumed by unreasoning rage and in full
> control, unhesitatingly switching to the batteries and lashing out at the
> people who had taken away her power source, her lifeblood.

Gouka: [EVA-00] I WANT MY M-TVVVVVV!!

> Peripherally she heard the klaster of the control room cracking,
> shattering.  Every thought, every instinct, in that part of the
> fast-disintegrating collective of their consciousness raised its
> voice in a single unified chorus, a silent scream of hideous
> intent:

All: [EVA-00] Get me outta this fanfic!

>    <<GENDOU IKARI MUST DIE.>>

Mohan: I'm awed. He screwed up a scene he wasn't even in.

>    <NO NO STOP STOP STOP!!> she screamed.

Rebecca: Our thoughts exactly.
Gouka: There it is again!  Repeating something three times for no
     real reason!

>    <<LEAVE ME!!>>
>
>    In the next second everything went dark, and the EVA vanished
> from her awareness as if a switch had been thrown. Suddenly there was
> an intense, wrenching vertigo

Gouka: Intense, I'll buy, but how can feeling dizzy and weightless
     be 'wrenching'?

> which was punctuated by a
> bone-jarring collision, throwing her violently around in her
> seat.

Rebecca: But since, as established before, it was an enormously soft
     seat, she wasn't hurt a bit.

>There was a sickening CRUNCH

Gouka: Not just a crunch, mind you, but a CRUNCH!
Mohan: Ah, yes, another great Sheep Sheep sound effect.
Dan: Crunch all you want, we'll make more.
Rebecca: They can.

> and then her body felt like it was on fire as well.

Mohan: Remember kids, don't play with matches.
Gouka: The LCL must be giving her a nasty rash.

> Then another shattering crash, and a third, amplifying the agony
> as more bones fractured.

Gouka: Whose?  Quite frankly, we have no idea.  If you know, please
     write down your answers on a sheet of paper, then wad it up, and
     throw it into the trash can.  You'll be glad you did.

>Her scream was drowned out by the roar of what, in the tiny corner
>of her mind that remained coherent, she knew to be the ejection
>charges on the entry plug.
>    Then the boosters died away, and she was in zero-gravity for
> two nauseating, eternal seconds.
>    And then her entire world exploded.

Rebecca: [Deep] When Sim City goes too far.

>    "Begin connection."

Dan: Plug in the modem.

>    There was no more time for memory, only the here and now.

Gouka: My, what an awkward and confusing way to go about doing a
     flashback.
Mohan:Yup, pretty much par for the course.

> Today, she would try it again.

Rebecca: No matter the cost, she *would* have her piano practice.

>    "Operational voltage nominal, initial neurofeeds nominal.
> Ready for second connection."

Dan: They've even changed the technobabble. Cool.

>    The displays came to life, and Rei looked up at the
> observation windows of the control room, long since repaired, as
> if the disaster had never happened.

Gouka: Well, except for that huge strip of duct tape...

> Dr. Ikari stood there,
> flanked by Dr. Akagi and Colonel Keller, watching intently.

Rebecca: They look like ants from up here.
Dan: I see Fuyutski is contributing as much as he usually does.

> Maya and John and the rest of the techs were all at their
> stations.

Dan: Who the frig's John?
Mohan: Has he got anything to do with that Truss guy?

> It was all the same.

Mohan: Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Gouka [weakly]: ... d-does that mean I have to read that awful,
     awful description again?
Dan: [Grinning evilly] Yes!
Gouka: NOOOO!!

>    "Second connection nominal, pilot is connecting to EVA-00.

Dan: "Pilot is contacting dial-up network."

> Impulses and synapses engaging.  Nerve links stable at 1500 and
> rising."

Mohan: Inserting the intensifier disk.
Rebecca: Turning the control wheel eighteen degrees to the left.
Gouka: Engaging the machine that goes "ping".

>    No.  Not all the same.

Gouka: Oh, thank God.  I'm not sure I could have taken it again.
Dan: Damn.

> Two of the faces were different, new.
> DJ and Jon were there, watching.

Rebecca: DJ in his director's chair and Jon with a clapper board.
Gouka: [Rei] Ewwww! *Boys*!

> DJ in his street clothes, leaning
> close to the klaster windows and watching intently.  Jon in his
> black and red plug suit

Rebecca: At least someone around here's got style. Cool.
Mohan: I suppose you want one of those too, huh?
Rebecca: [Shrugs] Maybe.
Dan: I wouldn't mind if you had one.
[Rebecca clobbers him with a cushion.]
Gouka: Besides, I'd look much better in anything red and skintight
     than *she* would.
[Rebecca clobbers him with a cushion.]
Dan: Besdies which, I don't think you two take the same size bra.
Gouka: Ha!  My breasts are so firm, I don't even *need* one!
Mohan: ...

> -- he would be conducting his own synchronization
> test shortly --

Mohan: Again, thanks for the info.
Gouka: Pleasedon'tdescribeitpleasedon'tdescribeit...

> even closer to the windows and watching even more
> intently.  She could almost feel his eyes seeking her out behind
> EVA-00's single optic (although the entry plug was not actually
> within the machine's head),

Mohan: Well, you'd hope not or Unit 00 would have a whole *new* set
     of problems.
Gouka: ... why is our author writing his Evangelion fanfic from the
     assumption that none of his readers have actually seen Evangelion?

> willing her to be well, to do well...

Rebecca: To bring out her inner potential.
Dan: Join the Universal Brotherhood today!
Gouka: So, Jon is going to help her pilot Eva-00 through the sheer
     force of his love.
Mohan: We've got some airsick bags under the couch.
Gouka: Good, I think I'll need one or two of those.

>    "2500... approaching borderline in 5... 4... 3... 2..."
>    <We are with you.>

All: Huh?
Gouka: Rei's hosting the Venom symbiont now?!
Mohan: [DJ] Uberkid super telepathy!

>    "1...  borderline clear!  Unit 00 is active and operating
> normally!  All interlinks successful!"
>    Rei studied her own console readouts, and quietly felt the
> presence of the EVA about her.  Yes.  All was as it should be.

Gouka: ... two lines... you established that with only *two
     lines*... DAMMIT, HUTCHINS, WHY COULDN'T YOU DO THAT THE FIRST
     TIME?!!
Dan: Oh I dunno, I enjoyed that whole sketch.

>    <Thank you.>

Gouka: [Rei] Um... you're welcome?
Rebecca: [Rei] Now get lost, Magic Voice.

>    "Roger," she said in her usual quiet voice.

Dan: What, is BB here too?
Rebecca: With all these crossovers, it wouldn't surprise me.

> "I'll begin the interlocking test without a break."
>
>    She was toweling the shower water out of her hair

Gouka: AGH!!
Mohan: What?
Gouka: Scene transition was too abrupt... I think I've got whiplash
     now.

> after rinsing away the LCL when Jon came into the locker room,

Dan: Umm...come on in Jon!
Rebecca: This is how you can tell it's an EVA fic. Just about every
     scene with Rei, she's missing her clothes.

> trailing his
> own dripping trail of the yellow liquid,

[Everyone chokes back laughter.]
Gouka: Would I get smacked for a 'Golden Showers' reference here?
Mohan: Yes, yes you would.

> which had the most
> disturbing tendency to turn into slime when exposed to air for
> more than a few seconds.

Dan: But look on the bright side. You can sell it to Nickelodeon
     for a fortune!

> He saw her, pulled up short, and seemed about to leave,

Mohan: Since he'd just remembered there was a *separate* men's
     change room.

> embarrassed by the similarity of the situation to the one DJ had
> reported ending so disastrously a few days before.

Dan: And hoping he'd have a chance too!
Gouka: [Jon] And if I touch DJ's chosen mate, I'm a *dead* man!

>    "Jon," she said softly in greeting, finished toweling off,
> and, going to her locker, began to get dressed.

Rebecca: Regardless of how many fanboys were watching.
Gouka: And she did all of that in under 3.5 seconds!
Mohan [Rei]: I'm Rei Ayamani, the fastest Child alive.

>    "You did well today," said Jon, who decided that, if she
> wasn't bothered by his presence, he might as well stay and talk
> for a moment.

Dan: Okay, fine. Just don't you start getting changed in front of
     us.
Gouka: Why not?  Jon looks like he's have a rather shapely--
Mohan: ...
Gouka: What?

>    "Thank you," said Rei, and he knew it wasn't just the
> compliment she was thanking him for.

Gouka: But the only other thing he's done in the entire bloody
     fanfic is sit around on his firm hinder!
Rebecca: Well, maybe she's thanking him for not toppling over on her and
     groping her.

> She continued dressing,
> buttoning her blouse, as he stood there, trying to think of a way
> to approach the next subject.

Rebecca: What is this, "make it easy for us" day?
Dan: No, it's "everyone gets to look at Rei in the buff" day. "Make
     it easy for us" day is next week.

>    "Something else?" asked Rei, glancing over her shoulder, as
> she ran a brush through her short, thick blue-silver hair.

Gouka: But the author already established that Rei had no concept
     of personal hygiene and... and... urgh...
Dan: Rei brushing her hair? As if. She takes as bad care for it as-
Rebecca: You do?
Dan: Shaddup.

>    "Um... yes," said Jon.  "It's DJ."

Gouka: [Rei] DJ?  He's a dickweed.  And?

>    "Yes?"
>    "He thinks you're angry with him," Jon reported.  "It's...
> it's causing him some distress."

Rebecca: DJ?  Suffering from distress? Heaven forbid!  Rei, comfort
     DJ with your body right now!

>    "I'm not," replied Rei simply, putting the brush away.
>    "Tell him," said Jon as simply.

Mohan: [Rei] No. I'll let the little runt sweat some more.

>    She looked at him, a long, hard, searching look, then nodded.
> "I will."
>    Then she picked up the bag which contained her every Earthly
> possession,

Rebecca: The socks and change of underwear was no big deal. But
     getting in the luxury yacht was a bit of a pain.

> nodded again to the boy who was going to be her housemate,
> and left him to his thoughts.

Rebecca: Not a good idea, considering the situation.
Gouka: [Jon] Well!  Sent a beautiful young woman into DJ's arms...
     yeah, it's been a good day.

>    He had quite a few as he found the wrist control, decompressed
> his plug suit, and set about working his way out of it.

Mohan: [Jon] I am so lost.
Rebecca: [Jon] Stuff DJ, now you can all see *my* area!
Gouka: Whoo-hoo!

>    DJ was in the commissary, negotiating with the beverage
> dispenser for a Pepsi,

Gouka: [DJ] Alright, if I sign the treaty, then can I have a soda?
Dan: I'm noticing a trend forming here.
Mohan: My god, even fanfics have gotten into product placement.

> when Rei found him.

Rebecca: [Rei] Oh look, there he was all along.

> He glanced up to see her
> watching him, and looked unsure whether he should smile or just
> leave.  "Uh... hullo," he said, his voice reflecting that
> uncertainty.
>    Rei nodded.

Mohan [Rei]: Hi. Do I know you?

>    "Er... buy you a drink?"
>    She shook her head.

Rebecca: I just love that girl's dialogue.
Dan: Once again, Rei gets all the best lines.

>    "Suit yourself," DJ replied, collecting his own and taking it
> to a nearby table.  Rei followed him; as he sat down, she went to
> the other side.

Mohan: DJ began to worry when Rei pulled out the ice pick.

>    "May I sit?" she asked.
>    "Please," replied DJ, gesturing.
>    She did so, regarding him steadily and calmly for several
> minutes,

Rebecca: [Bored] This is almost as riveting as the "Ritsuko watches
     the kids read" scene.
[Dan & Mohan yawn]

> and then, apparently having found nothing troublesome in her
> brief 'scan', said without preamble,
>    "I'm not angry."
>    "You were at the time," DJ observed,

Gouka: [DJ] Were too!
Rebecca:[Rei] Was not.
Gouka: [DJ] Were *too*!
Rebecca:[Rei] Was *not*.

> but she shook her head.
>    "No; never."

Gouka: [Rei] I could never be mad at you, Derek-ai!
Mohan [shudders]: If he starts calling him DJ-sama...
Dan: *Ahem* Again, we have a rule here about fanboy Japanese.

>    "Why didn't you let me apologize, then?"

Rebecca: [Rei] Because the sound of your voice reminds me of
     fingernails on a chalkboard.

>    She shrugged.  "It didn't seem important."
>    "Well, when I commit a stunning balls-up like that, I tend to
> feel a need to apologize, so when next I do something like that,

Rebecca: That sounds like a good set-up if you ask me.

> do me a favor and let me say I'm sorry before you leave, all
> right?"

Gouka: DJ is actually *chewing out* the woman he groped without
     permission!

>    She nodded.  "All right," she replied, with the faintest hint
> of a smile.

Rebecca: And meanwhile, not a million miles away, Tsuneo's head
     explodes.
[A faint explosion is heard.]
Mohan: Scary.

>    "I really didn't mean for any of it to happen."
>    "I know."

Dan: [DJ] I enjoyed it nonetheless.

>    They said nothing as DJ drank his soda; then he raised a hand
> and had a look at his watch.  "Well... 'bout time I was heading
> home, I'd say."

Gouka: You know, when I think about NXE, it'll be the scenes like
     *this* that I remember.  Probably shortly before I begin to weep
     helplessly.
Dan: You should read Delta Invasion. It'll be good for you.

> He pressed a button on the watch face, and a
> tiny red lens next to the digital display glowed.  "Hal, are you
> there?"

Mohan: He's got a... by the Silver One...
Dan: Oh my god... he's got a computer link in his *watch?* What is
     this, Dick Tracy?
Rebecca: [Hal] Could you fix the hole in your pocket, DJ? It's like
     that film, "Attack of the Killer Gooseberries."

>    "Of course, DJ," replied the calm voice of his computer.

Gouka: [DJ] Quick, get me Commissioner Gordon!

>    "D'you know if Misato's left here yet?"
>    "Yes, she has," Hal replied.  "She and Jon are already here,

Rebecca: [Hal] And they seem to be rolling on the floor in a
     tangled mess of limbs.

> and, may I add, anxiously awaiting your culinary skills."

Mohan: Face it, Hal, you're not a convincing liar.
Dan: God damn, he's even got the computer stroking his ego.
Gouka: [Hal] Preparing the instant ramen seems to be beyond them.
     Misato can't figure out how to boil water, and Jon can just sit
     there.

>    Bless you, Jon, thought DJ to himself.

Gouka: So Jon's major story function is making sure DJ scores,
     correct?

> He turned to Rei.
> "Can I offer you a lift?
> I understand today's your moving day."
>    Rei considered it for a moment, then got to her feet and
> nodded.
>
>    "D'you have anything you need to pick up?"

Rebecca: [Rei] A shotgun would be nice.

> DJ asked as he
> handed her his extra helmet

Gouka: Yes, DJ carries two helmets around at all times.  Why?  To
     be honest, we have no clue.

> and helped her get situated behind
> him.
>    "No," she replied.  "I have everything with me."
>    "Oh.  Have you ridden before?"

Dan: Now there's a good and suspect line for you.
Gouka: [Rei] Yes, but only with Dr. Ikari.

>    "No."
>    "It's pretty simple if you're not driving.  Keep your feet on
> the pegs and hang on,

Mohan: [DJ] Put your feet in the stirrups...
[Rebecca brains Mohan with a cushion. Hard]

> and don't be alarmed when we lean - that's how
> motorcycles turn corners.  OK?"

Gouka: DJ Croft, master of the obvious!

>    She nodded.  Flicking the key on, he kicked the V-twin into
> grumbling life, and - quite enjoying the way Rei nestled against
> his back and put her arms around his waist -

Mohan: I just want to say that I did *not* want to know that.
Dan: Urge to kill... rising...
Rebecca: What, are you jealous?
Dan: No, it's just him acting like... like...
Rebecca: You?
Dan: ...
Gouka: Don't worry, Dan-chan.  I'll stay faithful to you.

> DJ guided the Corley out of the garage and up onto the S490.

Gouka: Who wants to wager about Rei breaking out into a rousing
     chorus of 'Born to Be Wild' any moment now?
Dan: How much more do you want to lose?

>    Back in the garage, unnoticed, Gendou Ikari sat at the wheel
> of his car, eyes narrowed behind his tinted eyeglasses.

Dan: And the thugs in the back were getting their machineguns ready
     for the drive-by.

>    Then, face a study in impassivity, he started the car

Rebecca: [Announcer] And they're under starter's orders now.

> and drove away in the other direction.

Mohan: Oh, yeah, that's a really good way to follow someone.
Dan: [Gendo] I'm going to head them off at the pass.

>    As they reached the surface, DJ tried to gauge his passenger's
> mood.  Some people didn't like riding pillion on a motorcycle -
> it frightened them, made them freeze and wish for nothing more
> than the ride's end.

Rebecca: Is this a euphemism?
Gouka: Remember that when it comes time for you to procreate, DJ.

> Rei's grip on his waist was firm, but not a death-grip, so he
> didn't think that was the case with her, but he still wanted to
> be sure she was enjoying the trip.

Gouka: ... actually, this whole scene is a metaphor for DJ
     procreating.

>    "All right?" he called over his shoulder.
>    "Fine," came Rei's reply.

Rebecca: Yeah, like what else would she say?

>    Reassured that he'd received as positive a response as he was
> likely to get, DJ turned onto I-290 and headed west.  If Rei
> -was- enjoying the ride, he might as well prolong the experience,
>for both of them.

Mohan: He's going to cross paths with Johnny Depp at any moment.
Gouka: But in reality, it was more likely that DJ would just zip
     them home instantly long before Rei had even begun to enjoy
     herself.
Dan: Of course she could be hating every second of it and just
     not showing it. As usual.

>    He hadn't been to this part of town, so the sights, though
> mostly drab, were new for him (and for her, too, though he didn't
> know it) as they roared through the western districts.

Mohan: THRILL to the countryside of exotic... Massachutsetts.

> As they hit the bend before the Worcester-Auburn line, DJ
> noticed something off to the right

Rebecca: A two thousand foot tall monster jumping up and down on
     Unit 01.
Dan: Don't do that.

> that made him pull over to the side of the near-deserted
> highway, put down the kickstand and just look.
>    "Well, I'll be damned," he murmured.  "A round lake."

Gouka: A round... lake.  The boy who's been 'raiding tombs' all
     over the world is dumbfounded by a *circular lake*...

>    And so it was - a perfectly circular lake, in the middle of
> what looked like it had once been a warehouse district, a few
> hundred yards to the southwest of the freeway.

Dan: The warehouse district, where the early battles of the dubbed
     Dragonball Z were held.
Mohan: Convenient access to major roads.
Gouka: Come visit the most scenic attraction in all
     Massachutsetts... the amazing Round Lake!

>    "That's Lake Oppenheimer," Rei said.  "Didn't you know about
> it?"

Gouka: [Rei] Loser.

>    "No," DJ replied.
>
> "Perfectly round... that's amazing."

Gouka: ... are round lakes really that impressive?
Mohan: Not really.
Gouka: I didn't think so.  Just checking.

>    "Not really," Rei said.  "It's a bomb crater."
>    "Bloody big bomb," DJ observed.

Rebecca: What was it, "Last Action Hero?"
Dan: No, "Waterworld."

> "That lake looks to be most of a kilometer across."
>    "Just before you arrived, before NERV was fully activated, the
> Army tried to stop the Third Angel with a small N2-type atomic
> device," said Rei.

Gouka: [Rei] Unfortunately, it didn't work, and now we're saddled
     with your scrawny ass.

> "It was in the after-action report."
>    "Oh.  I never read those things."

Rebecca: [Mumbles] It's the sort of thing you *have* to do in a
     damned military organization.

>    "You should."

Dan: There are these things called debriefings, and orders.
Gouka: Military?  NERV?  Bah, it's just there to take care of DJ's
     cool mech.

>    DJ nodded.  "I'll start."

Gouka: Oh, like *hell* you will.
Dan: Hang on, it said this like was inspired by someone at the start
     of the fic, right? But that's just ripped off from one of the
     later episodes of EVA... er, 17, I think. That's lame beyond
     words.

> He twisted in the seat so he could
> look at her, though all he could see of her face through the
> window in her helmet was her red eyes.

Gouka: 'Red Eyes'... that was one of the better BGC episodes.
Mohan [DJ]: You're going to drink my blood, aren't you?

> "Are you enjoying the ride?"
>
>    She considered that for a moment, then nodded tentatively.
> "Yes," she replied; then, a little stronger, "Yes, I am."

Mohan: Thank you 'Jasmine'...
Gouka: She's going to thank him for showing her a magical new world
     now, isn't she?
Dan: Yup. I'm gonna be sick about now.
Rebecca: I thought you didn't like EVA or Rei that much?
Dan: Oh, it's not Rei. I was just considering what he was going to
     do to later characters.

>    DJ smiled.  "Good."

Gouka: [DJ] You'd *better* be submitting to my will.

>    Flicking the kickstand back up, DJ pulled back onto the
> Interstate.

Mohan: Finally the fic's moving again. In circles, but it's moving.
Gouka: Moving in the sense of an X-Raider action sequence.

>    "Sorry we're late, all," DJ announced as he and Rei entered
> the apartment a half-hour or so later.

Dan: [Jon] Oh, yeah, we're really glad you're here now.  Or
     something.

>"To make up for it, we'll have to have something especially
> delicious tonight."

Gouka: [DJ] That way, you can give me even more compliments than
     you usually do!

> Turning
> and surveying Rei for a moment, he added, "Hm.  I shall have to
> brush up on my vegetarian recipes now you're here."

Dan: Say, has she actually said that yet, or did his amazing
     uberkid telepathy just tell him that?
Gouka: Well, he could sense her every major personality dysfunction
     after groping her once...

>    "Sorry," said Rei.
>    "Oh, don't apologize," said DJ.  "Never apologize for what you
> are.

Gouka: [DJ] And always wear sunscreen.

> Eh, Jon?"
>    "Huh?  Oh... yes.  Right."

Dan: Or not. So what was that little bit there for, anyway?
Gouka: [Jon] Supporting your every statement, sir.

>    Over the weekend, Jon, DJ and Misato had, under DJ's guidance,

Rebecca: Note, of course, that DJ's the one in charge here.
Mohan: [Misato] So what'll you be doing, DJ?
Dan: [DJ] I'm the project co-ordinator.
Mohan: [Miasto] What does that mean?
Dan: [DJ] I sit around and tell you what to do.

> done quite a bit toward making Apartment 3-F

Mohan: Firstly they had to draw up the blueprints, then hire the
     workers...

> (3-E being across the
> hall)

Gouka: Thank God!  Now that I know where 3-E is, I can breathe easy
     once more!

>less of a barracks environment and more of a home.  They'd
> painted the walls a relaxing shade of blue,

Rebecca: Calm blue ocean... Calm blue ocean...
Gouka: Yes, Rei Ayanami strikes me as the 'Country Elegance' type.

> cleaned the kitchen,
> installed some nice accessories (including HAL "eyes" in all the
> rooms of both apartments,

Gouka: Yay!  Now the omniscient super-computer can invade our
     privacy!
Dan [HAL]: I'm watching you, Dave.
Rebecca: Of course, I do get worried that he installed one in the
     bathroom.
Mohan: [HAL] Your favorite show is on, DJ [Makes shower noises.]

> and a secondary HAL console with monitor in each
> kitchen), and hung a few pictures (DJ was especially proud of the big print
>of the bow wreck of the Titanic,

Rebecca: Oh look. You can even see Leonardo DeCapattothehead.
Gouka: [Rei] Oh, death.  How relaxing.

> which was one of his very
> favorite photos he'd taken on his mother's 2013 expedition).

Dan: So he was deep-sea exploring at age twelve? I call that as
     officially impossible.
Mohan: Live with it. He does this all the time.

> They'd
> also come up with some very comfy and fairly decent-looking brown
> leather living-room furniture,

Gouka: Brown and light blue?  The uber-kid possesses a singularly
     horrid sense of color.
Rebecca: Cardinal Fang! Fetch... The comfy chair!

> and a nice glass coffee table.

Mohan: Perfect for crashing through.

>    The crowning glory, as far as DJ was concerned, was Rei's
> bedroom itself, and he almost seemed to swell with pride

Gouka: Or hormones, take your pick.

> as he
> opened the door and introduced her to it.

Dan: [DJ] Rei, meet your bedroom. Bedroom, meet Rei.

>    It was quite nice - done in a slightly softer shade of blue
> than the rest of the apartment, with snow-white accents that made
> the whole room seem bigger.

Mohan: Um... yeah.
Dan: So DJ gave her Emma Frost's bedroom?

> The light was provided not by the
> glaring fluorescent ceiling fixture, but from a tall halogen
> torchiere lamp that cast its glow against the white ceiling,
> where it reflected down to softly bathe the whole room.  One wall
> was a window that had a view of the pleasant residential
> neighborhood to the north, built on the side of Bancroft Hill.

Gouka: A nice, huge window that afforded everyone in town a
     marvelous view of Rei changing clothes.

> A bookshelf covered the wall to the right of the door; it was
> mostly empty for now, but DJ had added a few volumes from his own
> collection, hoping they would prove a useful seed.

All: INTESNE INTERIOR DECORATION ACTION!
Rebecca: [DJ] Now, to remold her in my own image!
Dan: Well so much for Gendo's master plan *again.*

>    The room was dominated, though, by the

Rebecca: 12 foot tall bronze statue of DJ?
Dan: Velvet Elvis?
Mohan: Rouge Comma?
Gouka: Large banner that said 'Sleep with DJ'?

> bed their expedition
> had been tremendously fortunate to find at one of the numerous
> antique and old-furniture stores they'd hit -

Rebecca: [Makes bomb noises.]
Mohan: Rather than look for anything new and comfortable.

> a massive king-size four-poster
> affair,

Rebecca: That was really too big for the room it was in, and really
     did Rei no good whatsoever.

>made of brass, with old-fashioned spring underlay and a real
> feather mattress, whose owner had apparently possessed no
> clue of its true worth.

Gouka: That Ayanami is *such* a philistine.
Dan: Yes, that bed is going to look *so* wonderfully in-place in a
     pale blue room.

> DJ had spent the better part of Sunday afternoon cursing
> and barking his knuckles putting the thing together,

Dan: Hang on, DJ did all that on his own?
Mohan: Of course.
Dan: Humph. I fail to see why you were going on about Jon so much.
     I mean, is he a secondary character, minor character or furniture?
Gouka: Furniture.  After all, he's already demonstrated that he'd
     incapable of movement and really only exists to prop up DJ's ego.
Rebecca: And I expect DJ to sit on his face at any time.
Gouka: We can only hope.

> and Sunday
> evening emplacing and arranging the elaborate and beautiful
> ice-blue-and-white sheets,

Gouka: Because all things touched by the hand of Croft are by their
     very nature wonderful and glorious!

>counterpane, coverlet, what Jon's
> eyeball estimate made to be about a dozen pillows,

Rebecca: What Rei's planning to do with those is anyone's guess.
Mohan: You could house a family of four in that bed.

> and - the crowning touch in DJ's eyes - canopy.

Dan: How tasteless. I may vomit.
Gouka: Yes!  Let's give Rei a 'little princess' bedroom suite!
     Sheer brilliance!

>    Rei said nothing;

Rebecca: I wouldn't either. Faint: yes.

> she was overwhelmed by feelings she did not understand

Mohan: Don't worry, Rei. Nausea is perfectly natural.
Gouka: As is revulsion and resentment.
Rebecca: [Rei] Did I ask for any of this?
Dan: [Rei] Must... control... fist of death...

> and feared she would not be able to control if she
> acknowledged them.

Gouka: [Rei] He... he bought me a really big bed... oh, I can't
     bear to be without him now!

>It would be ungrateful not to say
> -something-, though; so she turned to DJ and Jon, her eyes moist
> and luminous,

Rebecca: You can get some drops to help deal with that.

>and tried in vain to think of something for several minutes.

Mohan: Well, that's exactly how we felt.
Dan: I'm glad this is just a fic. It's got more silence breaks than
     the *real* EVA.
Gouka: Hell, the whole thing is one bloody long 'lingering' shot.

>    Then she cast her eyes down and said softly, "I'm sorry.
> I... I don't know how to act or feel in a situation like this."

Gouka: [Rei] I'm a pathetic shell of a human being who you must
     fill with worthwhile things, DJ Croft.
Mohan: And there goes any resemblance to the Rei Ayanami we know
     and love.
Dan: Next thing, DJ will straighten up her hair for her.

>    Jon wanted to say something comforting, but DJ beat him to it;
> putting a gentle hand on her shoulder, he said, "'Sall right,
> love.

All: Kill him.

> If you want to learn, we're here to teach you

Rebecca: [DJ] The ways... of men!
Gouka: [DJ] We're the self-inserts.  Just turn your mind off, and
     we'll take care of everything.

> - eh, Jon?"
>    "Yes," Jon agreed without hesitation.  "Absolutely."

Mohan: [Jon] I've had my line. Can I go now?
Gouka: [Jon] Agreeing with your every word, sir!

> Although, he reflected wryly, I don't know too much about it
> myself. Then he glanced at DJ and added to himself, I suspect he
> knows enough to teach both of us, though.

Gouka: DJ Croft: Paragon of Virtue, model of human perfection.
     Doesn't he warm your heart?  Don't you want to be *just like* him?
Rebecca: GAH! [Clutches head] Mental... image... too disgusting...
Dan: You deserve it.

>    DJ glanced down at his healed right hand and smiled, then held
> it out.  "Friends?"

Rebecca: [Rei] I hate that show.

>    "I... "  Rei gave him a searching look, then glanced away
> again.  "I've never... "

Gouka: [Rei] I've never willingly touched your bare skin before,
     and I don't really want to start.

>    "You have two, now," said DJ, reaching to his side with his
> left, grabbing Jon's wrist, and placing the surprised boy's right
> hand alongside his own.

Gouka: [Jon] But, I didn't--
Mohan: [DJ] Shut up.  You're friends now, or else.

>    Tentatively, as if she were afraid they would burn her, Rei
> extended her own right hand; presently, they all met in the
> middle, in a sort of clumsy approximation of a basketball team's
>"go" shake.

Rebecca [Rei], Mohan [Jon] & Gouka [DJ]: Mighty Morphing EVA Rangers! Go!
Dan: GAH! Don't do that!

>    "I... I don't know what to do," Rei repeated.

Gouka: [Rei] Um... I can't feel my hand anymore...

>    DJ grinned.  "Try smiling."

Dan: Better yet: Don't.

>    So she did.  It was a tiny smile by most standards

Gouka: In fact, it was actually a frown.
Mohan: But she's already done it half a million times in this fic.
[Another explosion is heard in the distance.]

> - the
> shifting of a few inconsequential muscles, the slightest of
> upcurve at the corners of her mouth, the tiniest of wrinkling at
> the corners of her eyes - but it -went- to her eyes and it subtly
> transformed her face,

Dan: Is she smiling, or is she having a seizure in her face?

> making her even more beautiful to both Jon and DJ.

Gouka: Because we all know happy people are much more likable than
     people who think those pesky *thoughts*.
Rebecca: [Rei] Tee-hee!  When boys like me, I'm a better person!

>    And it felt good, too.

Dan: And that's just what Rei said when the cops arrived, three
     hours later, to find her with a bloodied axe in her hands.

>    "Friends," the three said together.  It was a promise; one
> that, though they could not know it, would be powerfully tested
> in the months to come.

Mohan: And here's where it becomes a bad buddy show.
Gouka: Shallow, trite 'friendship' themes, happy endings, macho
     posturing... is this Evangelion, or Gundam?

> /*  The Marcels  "Blue Moon"  _Billboard Rock 'n Roll Hits: 1961_
*/

Rebecca: Is it just me, or does his musical taste seem to be the
     same as that of supermarkets and waiting rooms everywhere?
Gouka: Sixties rock! *That's* what Evangelion's soundtrack should
     have been!

> NEXT EPISODE:

Gouka: Crap, crap, and more crap.

>    A race against time as the next Angel attacks NERV
> Headquarters directly.

Dan: [Monotne] I can't wait.
Mohan: [Ditto] We can see DJ fight Ramiel.
All: [Ditto] Hooray.

>    Rei, like a ghost in the moonlight.

Gouka: She dies?  Good, then she won't get any farther out of
     character.

>    Melancholy in the night.

Dan: [DJ] I *swear*, this has never happened to me before!

>    EVA-01 earns a nickname.

Mohan: Skippy.
Rebecca: Gawds. Tsuneo would explode. Er, again.

>    Sacrifice, friendship, and a cryptic promise.

Gouka: This isn't Eva!  It's a bloody Sailor Moon episode!

>    In seven days:
>
>
>              NEON EXODUS EVANGELION
>              EXODUS 1:5 - GUARDIAN ANGEL

Dan: Now that's *not* funny.
Gouka: In a shocking Xenogears crossover, Hyuga Rikudo kills
     *everybody*!

>                     07/30/97

Gouka: Oh, good, we've already missed it!
Dan: And you owe me an emerald.
Gouka: *Dammit*...

[As the closing credits roll, Rebecca turns toward the others]

Rebecca: Well, from the listings there, we're about halfway through
     the first season of NXE.
Gouka [pained]: And *nothing* *happened* this episode...
Mohan: *First* season?...
Rebecca [looks over to Gouka]: So, what'd you make of this show, newbie?
Gouka [mildly offended]: "Newbie".... hmph.  If you must know, I found
  	this little piece of work to be quite an accomplishment for
  	Derek Joshua Croft.  His Aura of Smooth is quite nearly as
	powerful as my own!  However, outside of DJ's beautiful acts
  	of Avatarism, there was little of merit to this story.  A
  	good three-quarters of the writing was pointless and utterly
  	unnecessary. While the prose is good, it's clear that virtually
  	no attention was paid to story structure or designing planned
  	character arcs for the development of *any* of the characters, new or
	borrowed.  Plus, even the most beautiful prose, when devoted to
  	scenes that are utterly unnecessary and ultimately add nothing
  	to the story, becomes deeply boring and practically irritating.
   	Add that to the fact that the majority of the plot was simply
  	lifted from an already-famous Evangelion episode, and the
  	insultingly insipid and trite ending, and the end result is a
	piece of fanfiction that mocks all that is good and pure in
  	this world. I'm sure the authors are very proud of themselves.
Mohan: Now *that's* an impressive soap box!
Gouka (beaming): Why thank you, Mohan-chan.
Mohan (sighs): *Please* don't call me that... but likewise, I was also
	impressed by the shear amount of nothing that happened this 
	episode. Long lingering character bits like this happen in 
	other fics and proffessional stuff like, well, Evangelion. In
	this case, though, it becomes another way for DJ to show off 
	his cool stuff, like the motorbike and the remodelled bedroom.
Rebecca: At the moment, the thing that gets me the most is Jon. Who is
	he? What does he actually do around here? What ius the point of adding
	him to the fanfic? As far as I can make out, Jon's only real purpose
	is to agree with DJ at every turn and stick up for him, no matter
	what he does. When Jon was first introduced, I was glad to see a new
	character who wasn't DJ, and it seemed like he might be an interesting
	character. Certainly a quiet, contempaltive character would be a nice
	change from the odious, omnipresent DJ. But it turns out that all he
	does is act as set dressing and a booster for DJ's overinflated ego.
	And he's going to boff Rei eventually. You can just tell it.
Dan: I don't honestly see what all the big fuss is about. He's a
     pretentious smarmy git, so what? I've faced down pelnty of them.
     Sure his fic's well written, but any college student with a
     dictionary and way too much spare time can come up with that.
     But it's like a bad restaurant with good ads; once you scratch
     the surface, you see it's just crap. Not particularly
     outstanding crap either, just crap. DJ himself really isn't all
     that bad; it's only when he's in his environment that he seems
     all powerful. Basically, he couldn't get away with nearly half
     of what he does without someone clobbering him in real life,
     but because his authour's in charge, everything goes his way.
     Observe.

[Dan picks up a beer mug from the table in front of him, looks over,
and splashes the brew over Gouka's head.]

Dan: See? If his authour was in charge, I'd be dead by now. But he
     doesn't have that advantage, so I can get away with it. That's
     how pathetic DJ is.
Gouka: ... Fireball.

[Gouka points in Dan's direction, nailing him with the Slayers spell
of the same name.  Of course, since Slayers physics applies to Slayers
spells, Dan is just left a crispy critter.]

Gouka: And if your author had been in charge, that wouldn't have
     happened, either.
Mohan [awkward]: Aaah... on that note, we better get some drinks...
Rebecca: Some Fosters from the bar sounds good right now. You need
     something Dan? Some water, maybe?
Dan [dazed, still on the floor]: I'll be alright! The Banana Gods are
     coming!

[Rebecca and Mohan wander off stage to the bar, while Gouka sits impatiently
on the couch.]

Gouka [taking up the remote]: Finally!  Now, let's see what's happening
  	over on "N'Sync and the Vamps"... oh, I *do* hope JC and Justin
  	finally work things out!
Dan [From the floor]: Spew.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Get in touch with the riffers!
     *Tim McLees: shinji_70@hotmail.com
     *Alicia Ashby: lynxara@hotmail.com
     *Max and Alex Fauth: rickr@one.net.au

STINGER
> "We're happening people!  We've got a
> penguin who can -count-, for God's sake, how cool is that?"