***ELMER STUDIOS, in association with SVAM, brings to you...*** Neon Exodus Evangelion: The Gathering Storm "Guardian Angel" MSTed by Timothy McLees (compiler, co-editor), Alicia Ashby (co-editor), Max Fauth and Alex Fauth Tim's Notes: Welcome back to the Wild World of Eyrie Unlimited! I'll be your host for the evening... after much ado, this next episode of NXE gives us DJ's bout with the Giant D8 of Death. NXE has quickly become one of my better projects: Quality writing coupled with ample wacked value. Methinks I should look at other Eyrie works... Alicia's Notes: It's amazing how a series can quote its source verbatim and still be competely and utterly unlike it. This chapter is amusing largely for its massive amount of Hutchins Chutzpah (TM-- defined as the ability to write completely and honestly without shame), and having enough plotholes to double as a textual sieve. Looking forward to Dueling Smarm with Asuka and DJ next chapter, though... Max's Notes: Not actually capable of proving how amazing he is by his own merits, DJ now has to make the rest of NERV less capable so as to make himself look better. And for all the fuss of his introduction, Jon does... Well nothing, really. Alex's Notes: Who is more special? Jon Ellis or John Barren? Now that I've raised that question, I can say what's on my mind... NXE continues to be a bucket of laughs as the all-perfect DJ continues his amazing adventures! After 4,086 episodes of "Delta Invasion" I'm kind of glad to see an uberkid who is competently written. Kind of. Now for NXE 1.6! [The scene opens up to the familiar spacious apartment of the rag-tag crew of MSTers, Elmer Studios. Across from the large wide screen TV, along the opposite wall, Tsuneo sits and a computer, peering curiously at the antics happening on screen. The main door opens, and Rebecca walks in and approaches him from behind.] Tsuneo [annoyed, typing] "No, I do not wish to hear more about your way-kewl Paladin-Assassin..." Rebecca: Hey, Tsuneo, doing some hackmastering, I see. Tsuneo: Actually, I'm checking up on Mohan. Turns out he finally got a job online. Rebecca: Doing what? He and Sandara still haven't learned a lot about computers. Tsuneo: He's not working on the computer, he's, umm, *in* the computer. Rebecca: The hell? Tsuneo: Yeah, he's currently an NPC for this "Ashnod's Gate" online game. Sandara's concerned about some the trigger happy gamers in this storyworld. Rebecca [reading the screen]: I can see why... Tsuneo: [typing] "No I do not wish to be 'sakked' even if you do 'rez' me"... Rebecca: So where's she now? Tsuneo: Up on the roof, letting off some steam. [The wind kicks up outside, and thunder booms] Rebecca: [worried] ...I better go check on her. [As Rebecca makes her way up the stairs we cut to the rooftop. A sudden burst of rain is blowing through the sky, and a lone figure, a tan-skinned blonde elf, is holding her quarterstaff in front of her. Sandara's normally gentle face is tense, locked in concentration. She exclaims a strange command and gestures outward, calling forth a lightning bolt from the stormy clouds above. The blast impacts the rooftop, her target vanishing in a red blur.] [Her eyes widen in recognition and she spins around, reading her quarterstaff to face the newly arrived and heavily magical presence behind her... A hovering red haired man clothed in crimson mage robes, regards Sandara with a bemused smirk.] Gouka: Impressive... Elemental magic, you must be a proficient priestess. Sandara: [Still standing her ground, slowly advances] What brings you here, wizard? Gouka: [Remains still] Huh, and a magical staff as well. How quaint. [With an aloof snort, Gouka lashes out with a red tendril of energy, which snares around Sandara's arms. With a yank, she's pulled forward and trapped in the mage's smarmy embrace.] Gouka: Pity. You're not nearly as good as I thought. [Sandara glares at him with a feral growl, and quickly morphs into her were-tiger form. Gouka promptly loses his grip, and Sandara grabs and lifts the Slayers mage in her clawed hands.] Were-Sandara: [snarling] The feelingzz are mutual... [They exchange menacing glares, and Gouka's fists glow with power... just as Rebecca arrives through the rooftop entryway.] Rebecca: [blinks] Well... I see you two have met. Gouka: [Suddenly friendly, but still in Sandara's clutches] Rebecca-chan! Darling! Were-Sandara: You know him!? [she shrinks back down to her elven form, dropping Gouka on the ground.] Rebecca: [fuming] "Darling"... [recollects herself] Yeah, Mohan and I met him up in Cystal Tokyo last week. Gouka: [stands back up, brightens] Mohan? You know him as well? Sandara [scornfully]: He's my lifemate. I'm *sure* disappointed-- Gouka: Not at all! I'm sure if you wanted to join you could. [Sandara blinks in confusion and glances at Rebecca] Rebecca: [uneasily] ...I'll explain later. Right now Tsuneo needs us back downstairs. [Cut back to the apartments interior. Sandara quickly scampers down the stairs followed by Rebecca and Gouka.] Sandara: Did you find Mohan, Tsuneo? Tsuneo [shuts off computer, shaking his head] Not yet, Sandara. But hey, Ashnod's Gate's a large server, he'll turn up. In the meantime we can kill some time. Rebecca [picks up the remote and aims it at the TV] Well, let's see what's on the tube... [clicks the remote] TV: "You're watching the Eyrie Broadcast Network!" "E-B-N!" Tsuneo: Oh yeah, its Thursday. Gouka: Yet another episode of Neon Exodus Evangelion! For fun! Sandara: This'll be kind of new for me. Gouka: Fear not, dear Kitten, I shall guide you through it. Sandara: Thanks... I think. Rebecca: Eh, don't worry, I'll save you from the Archmage of Smarm here. [Sandara settles into the middle seat of the couch, sandwiched between Gouka on her right side, and Rebecca on her left. Tsuneo, kicks back in a Lay-Z-Boy off to the side as the opening credits begin...] > /* Genesis "Land of Confusion" _Invisible Touch_ */ GOUKA: Yes, when I think "catchy, exciting opening number", I think "Phil Collins", don't you? SANDARA: Guess the royalties from the Tarzan soundtrack weren't as impressive as he expected. REBECCA : I needed the money! > EYRIE PRODUCTIONS, UNLIMITED > presents TSUNEO: An original work! It is original! Really! > NEON EXODUS EVANGELION > > EXODUS 1:5 - GUARDIAN ANGEL GOUKA: Hyuga Rikudo in a role that won't surprise you. REBECCA: Would anyone be suprised if DJ was blessed by the Mother of Destruction? >Inspired by NEON GENESIS EVANGELION created by Hideaki Anno, Gainax, > et al. > > Most characters created by Hideaki Anno and Yoshiyuki Sadamoto > except GOUKA: ... for the irritating new ones! As opposed to Sadamoto and Anno's irritating old ones. > DJ Croft created by Benjamin D. Hutchins > and > Jon Ellison created by Larry Mann TSUNEO: And Jamal White as Steve Urkel. >Additional material and inspiration cadged from TOMB RAIDER by Core >Design, Ltd., X-COM: UFO DEFENSE and sequels from MPS Labs (whoever > owns them nowadays), TSUNEO: Microprose is owned by Hasbro, who are owned by Microsoft, or something like that. REBECCA: Unreal Tournament hasn't made it yet. I'm impressed. SANDARA: If it did, though, it would be... (Ash) GROOVY... GOUKA: Wrong game, Kitten. SANDARA: Don't call me that... > THE X-FILES created by Chris Carter, and > 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY by Arthur C. Clarke > > Written by Benjamin D. Hutchins and Larry Mann REBECCA: Executive Producer: Aaron Spelling. > Aided and abetted by the Eyrie Productions, Unlimited crew > and special-guest-for-life Phil Moyer ALL: Hi, Phil! > (c) 1997 Eyrie Productions, Unlimited SANDARA: No penguins were harmed in the making of this film. > The streets of Worcester-3 were deserted by design, REBECCA: This being Massachusetts, after all. > the >residents of the city tucked away in their shelters as the taller >buildings retracted to more defensible positions. SANDARA: They all settled in for a long winter's nap. TSUNEO: For once, he's going straight to the point of the story. > That didn't bother >DJ Croft, though; TSUNEO: ... maybe not. REBECCA: Nothing bothers DJ. >as he hunched lower over the handlebars of his >motorcycle and opened the throttle a little further, REBECCA: Born to be mild. >he enjoyed the luxury of completely empty streets. REBECCA: ...until he hit a poorly marked speed bump. TSUNEO : Aiiieee.... > He wasn't on call; Jon Ellison was at the top of the rotation >today. REBECCA : Stuck workin' the graveyard shift. Sucker! TSUNEO: Any reason, apart from DELTA logic, why NERV didn't have them all on call? > Nevertheless, as soon as the alert had sounded, DJ had headed >not for the nearest shelter but GOUKA: ... Walla Walla, Washington. >rather for Park Avenue, TSUNEO: He went directly to Jail without passing Go *or* collecting 200 dollars. >his NERV ID >getting him through the roadblock at the corner of Park and Institute >before the cops piled into the shelters with everybody else. GOUKA: He wanted to be as close to ground zero as possible! After all, it's not every day you get to see a holocaust from the inside! > Now, with the city effectively to himself, TSUNEO: So what else is new? >he popped a brief wheelie REBECCA: DJ Croft, rebel with out a clue. >as he tore up the Interstate 190 entrance ramp on Gold Star >Boulevard, around the 190-to-290 bypass, and immediately onto the ramp >for S490. SANDARA: You know, basing this in Ben's hometown is an impressive literary tactic. Instead of trying to dig up a feasable city layout, he can just describe his trip to work. > As he did so, a reading laser on the side of the road >painted the bar code embossed on the metal plate riveted to his >cycle's front fender, GOUKA: ... in a hideous shade of teal. DJ's motorcycle was the laughing stock of NERV for days. > checked it against a database and determined >that the vehicle was authorized to enter that highway. SANDARA : Even after the Second Impact, RADAR is a valuable tool! REBECCA: As is the com-pu-tor. > A half-mile >ahead, barricades retracted, and DJ was allowed to enter the S490 >tunnel. TSUNEO: It's a long, long drive until the story starts. > Rather than emerging on the other side of a hill or river, he >came out underground, in the great cavern of the Worcester-3 >Geo-Front. GOUKA: Because dammit, a city with Worcester's staggering history and culture and strategic importance *must* be protected, no matter what the cost! REBECCA: Are you kidding? This city's famous. They filmed a whole episode of "Undocumented Features" here. GOUKA: My point exactly! > For the past three or four weeks, he'd made this ride at least >once a weekday, TSUNEO: Just for the lovely scenery. > excepting days off rota like today, and most of the >time he took this part at a fairly leisurely pace - REBECCA: For a jet fighter. >not only because the speed limit here was a sensible 55 miles per hour, SANDARA [nodding]: Quite sensible. REBECCA: Quite. > and >the penalty >for overrunning the side of the road (which would, admittedly, >involved punching through or going over a Jersey barricade) SANDARA [still nodding]: Indeed it would. GOUKA: And which, reasonably, young DJ feared his freakish luck just might make possible... TSUNEO: Are you kidding? That would mean the flavor text being relevant. GOUKA: Well, one can dream, can't he? > was >falling the mile or so to the cavern floor, but because the view was >magnificent and he liked to soak it in. SANDARA: Ah, I see his point. By the way... what's this have to do with anything!? TSUNEO: He's telling us how great it is that he sees this view but we don't. > Some drivers couldn't >handle >the S490 freeway - the height and vista gave them vertigo, paralyzed >them with fear. REBECCA: AHHH! Rocks! > DJ was afraid of relatively few things, and >thankfully, height wasn't one of them. GOUKA: Because he knew the invisible walls would keep him on the track; the programmers just put the scenery to screw with the player's mind. > Today, he hunched low over the handlebars, pulled in his >knees, REBECCA: Bear down! Push, DJ! > and got as far out of the wind as he could, wringing all the >speed he could get from the Twin Atlas's blaring V-twin. REBECCA: This whole scene is very Freudian. >He would >never know exactly how fast he'd been going, since he kept his eyes >glued to the road at all times, TSUNEO: How fast are you going now? >but the guy he'd bought the bike from >had once told him it would do 140 on a straight with a small rider. GOUKA: Yes, we remember that painful little pedantic detail from the last bloody chapter's boring and pointless scene about DJ's stupid little compensatory motorcycle. REBECCA: Regretfully... > He throttled back and eased off as he came around the great, >sweeping curve to near-ground-level, TSUNEO : Welcome back to *my* domain. >then hopped the off-ramp for Central Dogma, REBECCA: Thrill as DJ *exits off the highway!* > zoomed into the parking garage and slipped neatly into >the space beside Misato's blue Z. SANDARA : Today's letter is... "Z"! TSUNEO [Singing]: Dragon Ball Z! Um... Not that I like it or anything. > By the time the special >passcard >elevator had carried him to Level 1 and he'd reached the Control Room, >Jon was almost ready for launch. TSUNEO: Hide the bomb... hide the bomb-- Oh, hi, DJ! > "They just keep getting weirder, don't they?" Misato asked, REBECCA: Third Sixth Child this week! Crimeny... >gesturing to the main viewer. On it, the newest Angel could be seen >floating above the streets of Worcester-3: a massive crystalline >octahedron, floating on its vertical axis, gleaming blue and almost >completely featureless save for a black equatorial band. SANDARA : Alright! the Giant Eight-sided Die of Death is back! REBECCA: I told you those things were dangerous. TSUNEO: Especially dropped on the floor in a darkened room. Ow. > It >looked to >be around the same height as an average EVA, GOUKA: As per Giant Sentai Monster Union Rules. > and was floating >half >that height off the ground. TSUNEO: It hung in the air the same way bricks don't. > "Synchronization complete and stable," Maya Ibuki reported. REBECCA: Which can't be said for the cast... TSUNEO: Or the reviewers for that matter. SANDARA: Speak for yourself. TSUNEO: I was. > "EVA-03 ready for launch," Jon's voice reported calmly over >the speakers. > "Go!" Misato called, and Jon was hurled toward the surface. REBECCA : Attention citizens of Little Worchester! The EVA Ueber Children are blasting off to another adventure! Ba-BOOM! > As he popped out of the street, already raising EVA-03's >autorifle, TSUNEO: Is that the one they can't deploy him with? >the Angel seemed to pulse, its equatorial band glowing red. GOUKA : Hey! How are ya? > "Look out!" Misato called. Jon tried to make EVA-03 dodge to >the side, but was rewarded only with a shuddering crash and an >absolute failure of the unit to go anywhere. REBECCA: Try switching the power switch to the "on" position. TSUNEO: Tech support for those things must be a nightmare. > "Control, I'm locked down!" he cried. SANDARA: Just like that, huh? REBECCA : Cheap Starcom Magnalocking crap! > The Angel's equatorial band blazed, and a white-hot beam of >energy lanced out, burning through an intervening building and >slamming into the chest of the black EVA. SANDARA : D'oh! Meant to blow up that other thing. Sorry, folks! > In the entry plug, >Jon >howled in recursive agony TSUNEO : Hey, this kinda hurts! >as the heat flashed through the EVA's >structure and the LCL, which had a rather low specific heat in its >oxygenated state, began to boil. REBECCA : Drat! I didn't count on heat based attacks! GOUKA: ... LCL is bloody plasma. I am patently offended that a man who knows the apparent meaning of the term 'specific heat' is trying to convince us that plasma has a low boiling point. > "The interlock is jammed!" console tech John Trussell reported, ALL: Hi, Truss. >frantically punching buttons. "Some kind of magnetic lock failure." SANDARA : Some kind of... plot device! > "Retrieve him!" Misato ordered. Maya slammed her hand down on >the emergency retrieval control, and as abruptly as it had come, the >EVA vanished beneath the streets. REBECCA : Well... that was my scene, folks. Hope you enjoyed it... GOUKA: Um... may I ask how EVA-03 was retrieved, precisely? Can NERV just open those magical black cartoon holes wherever they want to in the city? > "Life signs are strong and stable, he's in no danger," Truss >reported, looking over the med scanners. "He's unconscious, though. >Probably a good thing." TSUNEO: Yes, it's great that he's unconscious, traumatized, and may never recover! SANDARA : Poor dumb galoot. Few degrees shy of being Cajun-style. > "Get him to the infirmary as soon as EVA-03 is locked down. >Engineering Section, I'll want a repair estimate on the EVA as soon as >possible. Tactical, keep me posted on what that Angel's doing. GOUKA : Actually, it appears to be spraypainting "NERV SUX" on the buildings along Main Street, sir. >DJ... you'd better suit up, REBECCA : I'm in the mood for the Bo Peep outfit. > I don't think Jon or EVA-03 will be up to >dealing with this one after this." TSUNEO: Leaving only DJ and EVA-01 to save the day, of course. REBECCA: Heaven forbid that Jon does anything. > DJ nodded and headed to the locker room. SANDARA : Hooray, a scene without him! > "Unit-03 recovered!" Maya reported as EVA-03 came to a stop >and the gates closed. SANDARA : "EVA-03 is fighting fit!" GOUKA : "It was super effective!" [SANDARA blinks and looks at GOUKA nervously, who simply grins sleazily back at her in return.] > "Eject the plug!" Ritsuko snapped. "LCL emergency exhaust! >Hurry!" > The back panels of EVA-03 opened and the entry plug popped >out of its housing. GOUKA: Ah, the turkey's done. REBECCA: Hey, lay off Jon. He's special. GOUKA: Specially broasted? Yes, I'll buy that. > Immediately, four jets of burning hot LCL spouted >from emergency exhaust ports on the plug's upper quarter and the >main hatch slid open, sending a huge gout of steam into the air. SANDARA [sings]: ~~STAND BACK!~~ GOUKA: Yes! Steam from the burning-hot LCL! How utterly logical! >An autoloader quickly moved into position, REBECCA: This is not the time to feed the Xerox machine! > extracting the seat >from the plug's interior and transporting it over to the catwalk, >where a medical team waited with a gurney. With all speed they >unstrapped the unconscious Jon and loaded him onto it. ALL : OW! Hot! Stingy! Burn!... > Misato hurried over to check on his condition. REBECCA : Original or Extra Crispy? TSUNEO: Notice how Misato rushes to check on Shinji before he's even arrived, but only now shows concern for Jon. > His exposed >skin was scalded, and blood oozed from his nose and mouth; GOUKA : Dammit, I *told* him not to sit so close to the TV, but would he listen? Nooooo... > Misato >tried not to think about what the boiling LCL might have done to Jon's >innards. REBECCA: Stir Fry, anyone? TSUNEO: Rebecca! REBECCA: Of course, sorry. Pot roast? >As the medtech whisked the unconscious pilot away, they >passed DJ as he came out onto the catwalk, adjusting the throat tab of >his black-and-green plug suit. GOUKA : Say, Misato, have you seen Jon? > "He looks bloody awful," DJ remarked, tabbing the wrist >control and wincing slightly as the plug suit contracted around him. REBECCA: Guh... His Total Package, right there in front of ya. SANDARA: Never, ever mention DJ's Total Package again. GOUKA: I don't know. It's a rather comely Total Package, if you ignore who it's attached to. > Misato nodded. "We can't launch you; it'll be expecting >another EVA. SANDARA : So we're going to try and negotiate. Wear something sleek. > You wouldn't be able to get off the platform before it >nailed you, too, even if the release didn't jam. Go on standby." REBECCA: Sorry DJ, you'll have to wait before saving the universe. TSUNEO : Awww, but I wanna! > Nodding, DJ turned and left the bay. TSUNEO : So why'd you have me suit up in the first place?! >He was a little >irritated at being all dressed up with noplace to go, but he could see >Misato's point, and he didn't relish being boiled alive any more than >Jon had. GOUKA : It would put a horrible damper on an otherwise boffo day. > Supremely unconcerned with the drama playing out below the >surface, TSUNEO: We're with him. >the Angel continued to cruise inexorably forward, REBECCA : Man, the parking *sucks* here! > until it had >reached the center of the city. It then deployed a large, pointed probe >- which looked rather like an oversized drill bit - REBECCA: Again, Ben, thanks. We wouldn't have guessed. SANDARA: Yeah, for a moment I thought it was going to deploy a massive straw. > from its nadir >vertex. SANDARA: That's the thing middle-aged Angels get examined, isn't it? > The glowing tip of the probe descended to ground level and, >without preamble, bored into the ground, tearing up anything in its >path. REBECCA: That's what drills do, pretty much. > "What do we have so far?" asked Misato after an hour of >probing and feinting attacks against the Angel. SANDARA: Cheese, and lots of it! GOUKA : Well, early reports indicate that we're getting our ass kicked by a really big-ass version of one of the Final Fantasy crystals. > "Anything that comes within one kilometer is immediately >attacked and destroyed," Truss reported. TSUNEO : Might I suggest screaming like a girl and running around in blind panic? > "It will respond to any >attacks regardless of range; the Type-12 positron rifle we deployed >fired one shot from two and a half klicks out and then was >obliterated." > "AT Field?" GOUKA : No, it used a pair of Glock-18's with 32 shot clips... what do you *think* it used, you stupid bimbo?!! SANDARA: How long has she been doing this? TSUNEO: Now now, don't vent at Misato. She's just reading what passes for the script. > "It's the most powerful one we've encountered so far. You can >see the phase space being affected." To demonstrate, he played back >video footage from their earlier attempt to knock down the Angel with >the Type-12 positron rifle, a weapon similar in nature to the one the >Angel itself wielded. REBECCA : Using CNN's cutting edge computer imagery, we can recreate our humiliating defeat in multiple ways. Observe. > The T12 fired its beam, which spanged off a >dark hexagonal distortion in the air. ALL: *SPANG!* [Giggling commences.] REBECCA : You'll put your eye out with that, kid! TSUNEO: Spang? Isn't that a kind of fruit drink? GOUKA: "Spanged?" I didn't know you could do that without a banana, let alone with your clothes on. SANDARA : I... don't want to know... > "Both offense and defense are almost perfect," Misato sighed. >"The thing is like a floating fortress. Close combat with EVAs is out >of the question, then. What's the status of the enemy probe?" REBECCA : I beg your pardon, madam! > "It's reached the first defense barrier. We estimate that it >will break through all 22 and reach the Geo-Front about six minutes >after midnight tonight." GOUKA : Wow, good thing it doesn't know about that highway that leads right in here... > "Ten hours... what's the status of the EVA-03?" > "EVA-03's chestplates and defensive armor were completely >melted. TSUNEO: Maybe we shouldn't have made Hasbro our main armament division. > Fortunately the control center wasn't damaged. The unit can >be repaired within three hours; unfortunately Jon will not be combat >ready for at least another 24." > "00 and 01?" GOUKA : Piloted by the ones the author likes, ma'am. They'll be just fine. TSUNEO: I can see it now. "Larry, I deign to allow your character's presence into *my* story, but don't expect him to do anything." > "01 is fully prepared for combat. 00 is operational but there >are still feedback errors, so reliability is questionable, REBECCA: So they're using Unit 00 Beta? >both of the >unit and the pilot. Rei's never faced combat before; we don't know >how she'll react." REBECCA: Deadpan? > "Hm... I think I have a plan." SANDARA : All right, *you* get the costumes, and I'll bake the wedding cake, and we just might be able to make this the best school play ever! > Gendou Ikari gazed emotionlessly and expressionlessly at his >Operations Director, fingers steepled before him, for several minutes >before reiterating the gist of her just-proposed plan, to make sure >he'd heard it right. REBECCA : Remind me again how the three miles of shoelaces fit into all this. > "Long-range fire from outside the target's defensive perimeter?" TSUNEO: I think it'd go something like this!... > "At the moment it's the best possible strategy," Misato >replied, nodding. GOUKA : Well, if you ignore the fact that we've already established that long-range attacks are useless. TSUNEO: Come on, everything has a range limit. Even DJ's smugness. > "What did the Magi say?" > "Two for approval, one for approval with conditions. Chance of >success is 8.7%. SHODAN concurs with their analysis but gives us >11.73%." REBECCA: SHODAN's such an optimist. > "Not much." > "But better than nothing." REBECCA : And *spellcheck* next time, please! GOUKA : Yeah. Fortunately, we're in a fictional universe, so that means it can't possibly fail now. SANDARA: Just like back home... [sighs] > "No reason to reject this plan. Proceed with it." > "Yes sir." REBECCA : And get me some coffee while you're at it. And a jelly donut. > "Maya, what've we got for long-range weaponry that might make >a dent in that thing?" REBECCA : Um... Spitballs? GOUKA : I recommend launching Fuyutsuki at it, ma'am. TSUNEO: Well, we've got that rusted out Wave Motion Cannon in the U-Store-It... > asked Misato as she returned to the Control >Room. Maya turned in her seat and reported, "Nothing in-house. The >positron rifle we've been developing for the EVAs isn't ready for >prime time yet, REBECCA: Much like SNL, when it was still funny. GOUKA : It needs more experience, BABY! > and since it's based on a Type 12, I doubt it's got >the striking power at range that we'll need. Nothing else even comes >close." GOUKA : Um... now's when you tell me about the experimental thing that shouldn't work but will and will save the day. Really, feel free... > "What about the rail-transportable particle beam cannon the >Army's working on over at Fort Devens?" asked DJ from the depths of >the current issue of Popular Mechanics. SANDARA: ...how did he...? > Slowly, everyone in the room stopped what they were doing and >turned to stare at him. TSUNEO: Who let him in here anyway? > "What?" he asked innocently. SANDARA: Somebody slap him... REBECCA: Get in line. GOUKA: Considering that they were just out-thought by a fourteen-year-old, their insipid decision to pick a small town in New England as their base of operations is suddenly understandable. > Meanwhile, in the infirmary, Jon floated unconscious in a >Model 33 automatic life-support unit. TSUNEO: I used to have one of those, but then the head fell off. >The last word in automated >medical systems, the Kohler Model 33 suspends its patient in a bath of >High-Oxygen Liquid Environment, the same stuff used for deep-ocean >armored diving suits. SANDARA: This model is used in notable lairs like the Hoth rebel base and the Batcave. >The Hi-Ox is medicated per patient requirements, GOUKA: For instance, Jon's had a vast amount of Gorkensplatz Model 797647 Hi-Octane Weenie Gas pumped into it. > and every aspect of the patient's life signs and >biochemistry are automatically monitored, adjusted, and compensated >for according to the baselines established in the patient's file, if >there is one, or by the mean human baseline if that is not the case. SANDARA: Is he reading us the brochure? What is this!? >(In Jon's case, being a NERV operative, he had a quite extensive >baseline file in the system already.) REBECCA: Run! It's the backstory! SANDARA [recoils from the "hit"]: Ouch! GOUKA: So there's really no justifiable reason to spew all this bloody irritating technobabble at us! Thank you, Hutchins, for making this story meander that much *more*! > Presently, the circulating Hi-Ox was drained away, drawn by >gentle suction pumps out of the patient's lungs and replaced with >slightly overoxygenated air. SANDARA: The little air sprites resuscitate young Jon. > Jon came to a few moments later, as the top of the unit popped >open with a gentle hiss TSUNEO: Jon gets steamed on a regular basis. >and a team of orderlys came to move him to a >regular bed. Ritsuko Akagi hovered nearby; GOUKA: ... bloody hell, she just went SSJ, didn't she? REBECCA : I learned telekinesis at home, thanks to Miss Grey's new book. You can too! > as the orderlies >gently >put Jon into the nearby bed and made him as comfortable as possible, REBECCA: He's got his jammies and had his milk. Now, for the story... GOUKA: "Quatre's throbbing manhood burgeoned beneath his..." [SANDARA edges away from GOUKA] GOUKA: What!? REBECCA: I figured you for a fan of that show. GOUKA: ... there's a show to go with all those doujins? How wonderful! >he thought back to the events that had led him to be here. REBECCA: A Taco dinner and a naked flame. > "Embarrassing," he observed, wincing as the effort of speaking >grated on his dry throat. SANDARA : Why didn't I get that role as Mousse? WHY!? > "Don't worry about it; there was no permanent damage to >either of you," Ritsuko replied. TSUNEO : "Either of you?" REBECCA : I regard the EVA as more of a person than you. It's got more personality, at least. > "There was a wiring fault in the >gantry system that caused the release mechanism to fail - there was >nothing you could have done about it. SANDARA : So basically *you guys* screwed it up. REBECCA : Not in those exact words, no. TSUNEO: Notice how DJ makes the rest of NERV less effectual so he can fill in for what they do in the actual show. > Breathe regularly, try not >to >talk much. We force-grew you a few new layers of epidermis, REBECCA: Heh... She said "epidermis". Cool. >so your >skin will be tender for a bit, but your lungs are undamaged. You >should be fine in another 24 hours." GOUKA: So is *she* the one they call Dr. Feelgood? > Jon nodded and settled back against the pillows as she left >him to himself. TSUNEO : Unfamiliar ceilings... > He felt no pain; the residual effects of the various >chemicals circulating with the Hi-Ox still kept him from feeling the >tenderness of his new skin. REBECCA : I feel light... And happy... As an oyster. > He sighed. A fine EVA pilot he was turning out to be. GOUKA: Don't feel bad, Jon; this is DJ's story, and you're really doing well to have not been forced to sleep with him by this point. SANDARA : Why would DJ want to do *that*, Gouka? GOUKA: Well, you must admit, it doesn't make any less sense than anything else we've seen in this thing. > It was a rare pleasure for DJ to watch Misato in full >officious swing, TSUNEO: Is he actually going to do anything this chapter, or just lounge around and gawk at people? GOUKA: But... but it's *DJ* gawking at people! Isn't it *thrilling*? >her NERV plumage in full display as she brandished >executive orders, REBECCA: Lovely bird is the Norwegian Blue Misato. Beautiful plumage. >pushed Army officers about and generally had the >time of her life throwing NERV's weight around. REBECCA : Say, abuse of power is pretty cool! GOUKA : By Jove, I think she's got it! > The Army >technicians >were more than happy to help them out with the conversion of their >experimental particle cannon prototype to an EVA-operable weapon; GOUKA: After all, we all know just how much the conventional Army adores NERV! > they >just liked to play with their big toys, REBECCA: And here was me thinking that DJ was the guy who was into playing with his toy. >never mind the official >circumstances, and they had tremendous respect for the EVA techs, >whose toys were widely acknowledged to be the grandest of all. SANDARA: Oh, its all about who has the biggest gun, isn't it? REBECCA: You realize what you just said, right Sandara? SANDARA: ... > The brass above them, on the other hand, was furious at this >upstart agency's gall, just showing up on their doorstep, so to speak, GOUKA : Dammit, you people could at least wipe your feet, or bring a fruit basket or something! >and demanding a weapon they weren't even supposed to know was under >development. TSUNEO: So how did DJ know about it anyway? REBECCA: He read an article in his latest issue of "Smug Gits' Monthly." >What right did they think they had to do something like >that, they wanted to know? TSUNEO: Well, they're trying to save the world and stuff. REBECCA: It's DJ's plan so it must be a good thing. > These questions were answered with a >polite but pointed recommendation that they read the NERV Charter a >bit more carefully next time, TSUNEO: No-one reads those things. They just click on "I agree" and proceed. >and by late afternoon, the Project EVA >tech types were bundling up their shiny new EVA weapon and preparing >it for air transport to Mount Wachusett, TSUNEO: I get it, this is all a desperate grab to get some historical credibility for his local mountain. >designated jumping-off point for what had been codenamed by SHODAN, REBECCA: Who's the baddest processor in this town? SHODAN! >in one of those quirky moments >that made some people wonder about the computer's long-term >reliability, TSUNEO: Ritsuko's calling it "mum" again. >"Operation Gabriel's Horn". SANDARA: Ryan Edgerton will be overseeing the project... REBECCA: Or, "Give it a Blow!", starring Ron Jeremy and Jenna Jameson! > Meanwhile, back in the infirmary, GOUKA: Vince McMahon was forced to endure a probe of his own. > Jon had been floating >between periods of unconsciouness and wakefulness, TSUNEO: Oh, so he's been reading the fic too? >and was at a gray >point between the two when he heard the room door slide open, followed >by the sound of a wheeled cart and footsteps. SANDARA: Well, time for your sponge bath. > Turning toward the >source of the sound, he opened his eyes and tried to focus. > "Rei..." he said when he determined who it was, TSUNEO: Actually, it's Ruri. But close enough. REBECCA: Please tell me she's not going to do the "Mr. Socko" skit. >the sight helping to bring him up to a more wakeful state. REBECCA : Now here's something to *focus* on! >He spoke quietly, >still mindful of Dr. Akagi's advice to avoid talking too much or too >loudly. TSUNEO: But how would that effect Jon? REBECCA: He'd just have to nod his unquestionable obedience to everything DJ says. >He properly noticed the cart, as well as the food tray atop it. "Dinner," Rei said simply, noting his look. GOUKA : Jon eat. REBECCA: I see they're mass-producing Rei for use in food services nowadays. > "I also came to >tell you the schedule of Operation Gabriel's Horn. I... thought you >might like to know." TSUNEO: Why is she reading out the details of this plan to him anyway? REBECCA: So he knows how great DJ's amazing plan is. > Jon nodded silently as Rei pulled her ever-present little red >notebook from her pocket, SANDARA: Let's use our Handy Dandy Notebook (tm) REBECCA: Since when has she had one of those? >flipped it open to a central page, and began >reading, mechanically: > "1730 hours, DJ Croft and Rei Ayanami report to >the cage. REBECCA : That's kinda kinky, Rei. > 1800 hours, power up EVA-00 and EVA-01. 1805 hours, TSUNEO: Plug them in and try it again. >launch, proceed to staging base and wait for further orders. The >operation starts at midnight." REBECCA: That was worthwhile. > Jon sat up slowly, groggy but conscious of the fact that he >had no clothing on. TSUNEO: We were missing our per episode nude teen scene, thanks... REBECCA : Try not to turn up for the operation like that. > "I hope it goes well," he said, keeping himself >covered with the sheets. "Sorry I can't be of help." REBECCA: Don't worry about it, Jon. It's not like you've done anything so far. > "We will do our best," Rei replied. > "Haven't made a good impression," Jon sighed, resting his chin >on his knees. > "Hm?" Rei asked, cocking her head to one side. GOUKA: Good God. I suppose I should simply be thankful that Hutchins didn't cram a 'quizzically' into that sentence, but *still*... TSUNEO : This guy's so boring, even I'm falling asleep. > "Two combats, damaged both times. Not a good track record. >All that simulator time... you'd think things would go better." REBECCA: Just as playing a lot of Unreal Tournament makes you an excellent marksman. > "Some circumstances are beyond control," Rei replied evenly. >"And damage is expected regardless." > Jon said nothing. > "You're alive," Rei continued. REBECCA: Relatively speaking, of course. SANDARA : You left the shadows long behind you, and another one is waiting in the dark. > "... Yes." > "EVA-03 is functional." > "... Yes." > "That is all that matters." REBECCA: Well, when you put it like that... > Jon's pause was longer, but he answered the same way, because >he knew that she was right. "...... Yes." GOUKA: This sounds like what happens when Republicans have sex. > "I have to go now," Rei said. "They're waiting for me." > "Mm," Jon nodded, pulling the cart closer so he could reach >the food tray more easily. TSUNEO : Forget character development and interaction, I want food! >Seeing that he had the situation under >control, Rei turned to leave. She was halfway through the door when >he called out to her. "Rei?" > "Mm?" > "Be careful." SANDARA: This is touching. I may weep openly. > Rei was silent for several moments. "... Farewell," she >finally said quietly. REBECCA : I've got to make the donuts... > And then she was gone, the door closed. > Jon watched the closed door in silence for some time, pondering >her parting word. GOUKA : Well, my gut instinct is to guess that it means something like 'goodbye', but it's hard to be sure... > DJ yawned and looked at his watch: it was 23:30, half an hour >to "the operation", SANDARA: Soon his trip to Sweden was going to pay off! [REBECCA and GOUKA turn to SANDARA] SANDARA : What? > as Misato kept calling it. Well past his bedtime. REBECCA: And no-one's even come to tuck him in and read him a story yet. >He'd never really had a hard-and-fast bedtime imposed; though Lara >Croft could not be described as a particularly lenient parent, she had >never been one to impose arbitrary restrictions, preferring to let DJ >learn for himself why some things were important. TSUNEO: In other words, she was completely irresponsible. REBECCA: Ever get the feeling Lara didn't want this kid? GOUKA: I imagine Lara was quite amusing at parent-teacher conferences. > In this >way, DJ had >come to his own conclusion that the necessity of rising early made it >best to get to bed at a reasonable hour of the evening. It was a rare >night that he wasn't in bed by ten. TSUNEO: And that nugget of backstory was necessary why? REBECCA: To show how DJ is an incredibly responsible young adult, despite all probability. > Below him, on the mountainside, the techs were scrambling to >finish the last of the connections, REBECCA : There's ah crack in tha dilithium! Aye need more time! > linking the giant sniper rifle >they'd made of the Army's particle cannon mechanism to the vast banks >of transformers and other electrical substation-type equipment they'd >emplaced here. REBECCA: Check it out! I see Soundwave, Rumble, Arcee- she must *really* need work... > The scope of the electrical feed they were providing >for this operation boggled the mind: TSUNEO: And diminishes the Spon! REBECCA: Do I smell burning rubber? >in order to power the rifle DJ >would use to attack the Angel, NERV would have to black out a sizeable >chunk of one of the most densely populated areas on Earth, SANDARA: Neo-Des Moines! REBECCA: Somewhere, Bill Bryson is smiling. > from >upstate New York across the whole of Massachusetts, as far south as >Washington, DC, and as far west as Buffalo, New York. GOUKA: "We shall destroy it with all the power of America!" SANDARA: "Ohh! How patriotic! I feel all tingly!" >The only areas >that would have externally-provided power in that zone for the >duration of Operation Gabriel's Horn would be the massive pumping >stations that kept the walled city of New York from being inundated by >the swollen Atlantic Ocean, for if they failed, seventeen million >people would drown. GOUKA : For those of you watching along at home, this is a *bad* thing. TSUNEO: I dunno, it could be considered an improvement. > It was a sobering thought. SANDARA: Yeah, but think about the new beachfront property in Pittsburg. > He went outside the tent he'd been napping in and stood on the >metal scaffold that some thoughtful soul had erected between the two >inactive Evangelions, REBECCA: How nice of them. >sitting with knees drawn up and arms crossed >over them in the gloom like giants lost in contemplation of the city >below. TSUNEO : Back off, man. I'm angsting > Klieg lights swept here and there, checking the transformers, SANDARA : So what have you been doing yourself these days? REBECCA : Got a killer techno show I run on KYSS FM at midnights, you? >illuminating the gleaming shape of the diamond-like Angel which still >hung unconcerned over the darkened city. REBECCA : Hey! Quit lookin'! > In the distance, he could >see the gleaming surface of Lake Oppenheimer. TSUNEO: And beyond that, a beautiful land of freedom and opportunity. REBECCA: That's touching. I may puke now. > DJ heard footsteps beside him; glancing over, he saw Rei, >changed like himself back to street clothes for the wait. TSUNEO: Presumably meaning school uniform. REBECCA: Say, given that Rei doesn't attend school in this version, what does she wear? GOUKA: Beige. Vast amounts of beige. >He nodded a >greeting; silently, she returned it. Both stood and watched the city >for some time, SANDARA: Wow. It looks so small from up here. REBECCA: It looks like a painted-on background to me. >until Misato and Ritsuko came up behind them. REBECCA: The muggers out here are terrible. Someone ought to do something. > "It's time," Misato said. "You should get ready." > "DJ," Ritsuko said, "you'll be the gunner for this operation, >since your sync ratio with EVA-01 is higher. Rei, you'll stand by >with the blast shield and cover him if the Angel returns fire." REBECCA: Truss, you'll fill in for both Aoba and Hyuga. Keller, you will lurk over Gendo's shoulder, agree with everything he says and do nothing. Jon, you will be helpless in the name of supporting DJ's ego. Maya, you wait back at base in a frilly black negligee for DJ's triumphant return. Any questions? > DJ resisted the urge to point out that this had been explained >to them at least forty times by now; instead he merely nodded and >headed back to the tent. REBECCA: Sod this for a lark. I'm going home. > "I'm only to protect EVA-01?" Rei said - not in a tone that >carried any resentment or surprise, but merely as if she wanted to be >absolutely sure she understood. GOUKA: Actually, your task is to look cute and marketable. But protecting EVA-01 helps. > "That's correct," Ritsuko replied. > "I understand," said Rei. She proceeded into the other side >of the divided tent. GOUKA : I'm a stoic martyr, again. Why won't they let me join an industrial rock band, instead? > DJ sat on the bunk and unlaced his boots, watching Rei's >silhouette where the light on the other side of the tent threw it >against the fabric divider as she undressed. TSUNEO I may die in a few minutes, so I might as well get a bit of peep show in first. >He was feeling >uncharacteristically serious, heavily weighed upon, rather maudlin, >really - ALL : "mow-dlin"... "Mawww-dlin"... "Ma-dline"...? > his eyes were sad, rather than mischievous or lecherous, as >he watched her slim shadow against the lighted nylon, shrugging out >of her bra, bending to slip off her underpants. REBECCA : Big whoop. I've seen it all before. TSUNEO: Notice how he still pays minute attention to her undressing. Isn't he just so convincing? > He sighed, REBECCA: Well, enough of the peep show. GOUKA : I was all out of quarters, anyway. > removed his own clothes, and climbed into his plug >suit, still watching Rei's silhouette as she did the same. GOUKA : Well, I'm ready for the mission. So's little DJ. SANDARA : I think you got the wrong file, DJ... > Inactive, >her suit hung in baggy folds, making her shadow look like that of >someone wearing a radiation suit with the helmet off. REBECCA: Or Rosie O'Donnel, take your pick. > Not for the first time in the past few months, but probably >for the most keenly-felt, DJ wished for his mother; REBECCA: The Silicon Princess herself. TSUNEO: Yes, I forgot how DJ dreams about his own mother. >but all he got was >the sound of the evening wind blowing against the tent, and he began >to realize that he might very well never see her again. SANDARA [singing, bored]: Caaaan, you feel... the angst tonight... TSUNEO: Gee, he's been mucking around here for so long, and he's only just thought of that? GOUKA: Yes, he's having a jolly good time and wants someone to gloat to. > The realization washed over him like a wave coming up a beach, >and he flinched as if struck, his knees buckling and dropping him onto >the camp bed as his eyes filled with long-held-off, hot tears. REBECCA [DJ]: No! You fools! You destroyed it! Noooooo!!!! > Why in God's name am I here, he wondered, and not looking for >my mother? GOUKA: Because you're a self-centered buttweasel? > "What's wrong?" came Rei's voice through the wall, and he >realized with a start that he must have said part of it out loud. >"Why are you crying?" Rei continued. > DJ wiped at his eyes and coughed. "I... I just realized. I >might never see my Mum again... " REBECCA: You could always just rent the sequels, I suppose. > "You won't die," said Rei softly. DJ looked up and saw her >silhouette suddenly shrink and smooth out into the familiar slender >curves that were so unmistakably Rei. REBECCA : Before... SANDARA : After! In just two weeks! Thanks to Ultra Slimfast! > "I'll protect you," Rei continued, and then she left the tent. TSUNEO : It's not like I have a choice. > As he pressurized his own plug suit, DJ realized that Rei was >right: he wasn't worried that his mother wouldn't come back. SANDARA: Heaven forbid he show concern for someone else. >He was worried that he wouldn't be there to welcome her when she did. REBECCA: Somehow, I don't think Lara would be miffed. > He shook his head, ran his fingers through his thick dark >hair, and left the tent as well. GOUKA : Well off to kick polyhedron tail! > Rei was standing on the catwalk, silhouetted again but this time >by the full moon, which hung blue-white in the sky. TSUNEO: Hey... it's the original series ending credits. REBECCA: Great. Another variation of "Fry me to the moon". >Bathed in moonlight >that washed every remaining trace of color out of her already near-white >skin and silvery-blue hair, she looked more like a beautiful ghost than >ever, and DJ shivered momentarily, though the night was warm. SANDARA: And we have title? > She glanced back as she heard him approach, but said nothing; >they stood on the walkway for a moment and looked up together at the >moon. TSUNEO: Don't you have a mission to get on with? > "Hey, Rei... " he said softly. > "Yes?" she replied. REBECCA : Do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling? > "Why do you do this?" > "Pilot EVA-00?" GOUKA: No, dance naked on a yak's back while reciting King Lear. What do you think? > "Yes." > She considered for a moment, then replied, "It's where I >belong." > "Er?" said DJ. REBECCA : EEeehhh? TSUNEO: I want to frame that moment. > "I belong to the EVA project," she repeated, though the >rewording did nothing to clarify the situation to DJ. SANDARA: Some people just don't get it, do they? > "Something to do with an obligation?" DJ hazarded, trying to >get a handle on what she meant. "To Dr. Ikari?" > "To all people," Rei replied, and DJ thought he understood. REBECCA: BZZZT! Wrong! > Nodding, he put a hand on her forearm and said, "You're very >strong, Rei." REBECCA : Thanks. I've been working out. GOUKA : Heavy gravity training too. I can leg press 200 easily! Gamma radiation's working wonders! > She shrugged. "I have nothing else." > Looking slightly wounded, DJ protested quietly, "That's not >true." SANDARA: Angst has an alarmingly salty, artificial taste... TSUNEO : You've got *me!* > "It's time," Rei said, forestalling any further discussion. >"We have to go." REBECCA: There's some bushes over there. > She walked toward the hatch on the side of EVA-00's >extended entry plug, then paused before climbing in, half-turning. > "Goodbye, DJ," she said, GOUKA : Goodbye, Mr. Croft. > and then she entered the entry plug, >dogging the hatch behind her. TSUNEO: How does one dog a hatch, anyway? > As he entered EVA-01's rather more modern entry plug (which >had a sliding hatch directly over the seat rather than EVA-00's rather >X-1-like side hatch), TSUNEO: I love this attention to detail. SANDARA: Really? TSUNEO: No, actually. >DJ felt as if someone had opened a window and >let a chill draft into his soul; GOUKA : D'oh! Got your soul! REBECCA: ... Gouka, what the hell was that? GOUKA: Sorry... Guess, it's true: imping ain't easy. REBECCA: Remind me to kill you for that pun later. > as if he'd just been privy to a >prophecy that one of them wasn't going to make it through the night. GOUKA: As if someone were lifting large scenes verbatim from a professional work. >The thought frightened him, not least since Rei had already assured >him that -he- was not going to die. TSUNEO: No Ueberkids were harmed in the making of this fanfic. The original cast were on their own. > EVA-01 powered up and synchronized smoothly, REBECCA: What, no long, drawn out synch scene? GOUKA: Thank L-Sama. > and as it >took up >a prone sniper's position at the giant rifle, DJ watched EVA-00 assume >a crouching position a hundred yards or so forward, SANDARA: And the runners have taken their places on the blocks... >a bit down the >slope of the hill, and ready the makeshift blast shield Equipment >Section had cobbled together. REBECCA: You like it? We made it out of old used cereal packets. >DJ noticed with an ironic, wry smile >that the black, winged shape bore a distinct resemblance to a >decommissioned National Aero-Space Plane hull. SANDARA: Isn't it ironic, don't you think? TSUNEO: Nah, it's just a bludgeoning level of allusion. > "DJ, are you receiving?" Ritsuko's voice sounded in the plug. > "Loud and clear, Ritsuko, my love," DJ replied. GOUKA : DJ-chan! Not now! [giggles] REBECCA: That and "Dr Pullring" should be enough to warrant decapitation. > "Remember that, thanks to the Earth's magnetic field and >rotation, to say nothing of atmospheric forces, the beam from your >particle cannon won't go in a straight line. The computers will >compensate for most of that, REBECCA: I thought the motorbike was the compensation. >but you have to keep it in mind. That's >why it will take several seconds for the rifle's fire-control system >to compute a firing solution - and that's why you're the gunner: your >higher sync ratio should give us the best chance of obtaining the >extreme precision we need." TSUNEO: EXTEME SNIPER! SANDARA: Irvine Kinneus? > "So the fact that I've handled a rifle's nothing to do with it? TSUNEO: DJ spends a lot of time handling his rifle. [REBECCA and GOUKA stare at him] TSUNEO: Uh... I can't believe I just said that. >Ah, well. I suppose it was too much to ask that I be allowed to >think I have some actual useful skills," replied DJ wryly. GOUKA: Ah, yes, the paragons of British banter: Sean Connery's James Bond, Red Dwarf's Lister, and DJ Croft. REBECCA: Hey, don't knock Lister. > "Just do what the manual says and don't try anything fancy," TSUNEO: Yeah, like DJ ever reads the manual. >Ritsuko warned him. "You can't compute the trajectory needed for a >clean hit - the fire-control computer can. All we need you to do is >pull the trigger. Rei?" > "Yes," Rei's voice quietly replied. TSUNEO: Nothing. I just like saying it. Rei. Rrrrrei. Rei. REBECCA [Hits him with a cushion]: An obvious idiot. GOUKA: What, would you prefer a stealth idiot? > "If the Angel returns fire, REBECCA: Yer screwed. >cover Unit 01 long enough for DJ >to get to cover, then retreat along the escape path loaded in Unit >00's navigation system. TSUNEO: The sniper rifle is on its own. After abandoning the only weapon that can defeat it, we'll all be screwed. I have a feeling there's a flaw in this plan somewhere. REBECCA: This fanfic doesn't have a map. Feel free to draw your own. >Our best guess is that the blast shield is >only good for twelve seconds or so of sustained fire, based on the >damage the Angel did to Unit 03 earlier." RBECCA: Actually, no. We're just guessing. > "Understood." > >/* Christopher Franke "The Geometry of Shadows, Part 1" (index times > 0:00 - 3:18) _Babylon 5_ */ TSUNEO: And just to make it clear this is supposed to be suspenseful REBECCA : It is my hope, Dr Ikari, to see your head on a pike so that I may wave at it like this: [finger wave] > DJ watched the operational counter tick down, and when it hit >zero, Misato's voice rang out: "Commence the operation! GOUKA: Thunderbirds are go! >DJ, we're >about to hand you all the electrical power in the northeastern US - REBECCA: That's almost as much as Dan's stereo needs. >I'm counting on you to make this shot." > "No pressure," DJ replied, shaking out his hands and taking a >couple of breaths. REBECCA: No need to on our accounts. >Granted, his breathing was hardly going to disturb >EVA-01's hold on the rifle, but it was important to him to do it >right, and that meant handling it the same as if he were making a long >shot with his own rifle at the range back in the woods behind >Crofthenge. TSUNEO: Lara's a real responsible gun owner, isn't she? > "This is Evangelion Unit 01 - Lucifer," DJ announced calmly. >"Ready to proceed." > "'Lucifer'?" Ritsuko inquired. REBECCA: Good thing Tsuneo's not here. He'd probably explode at this point. [TSUNEO explodes in a shower of debris] REBECCA: Whoops. [TSUNEO crawls up from the ground, battered and smoking] TSUNEO: Did I miss anything? OTHERS: No. > "Unless I miss my guess, we're about to bring our friend over >there some very serious light," said DJ. SANDARA: Ah... so, wouldn't "Prometheus" be a more appropriate codename? GOUKA: See, dear kitten, than would make *sense*... TSUNEO: And it wouldn't have the shiny veneer of deep Judeo-Christian symbolism, either. > Despite the tension of the situation, Maya Ibuki smiled and >jotted down a quick note before returning to her close watch over >EVA-01's status indicators. REBECCA : "Kick DJ in groin." > All around the mountain, all over the Northeast, ALL: ALL AROUND THE WORLD! > the lights >went out. In DJ's room back in the apartment, Hal switched to battery >backups and automatically went to low-power mode, ready to effect a >total shutdown, if the power didn't come back on before his six-hour >battery life was exhausted. GOUKA: I had no idea Best Buy even carried AI's. I'll have to remember that! TSUNEO: So why didn't he just switch it off? > The Angel seemed to notice that something was happening; REBECCA : Wait... is this a surprise party? Ya shouldn't have! TSUNEO: Let's see... Big setup on the mountain, lights go out... Nah, I bet this happens all the time. > it >didn't move, but the energy circulating in its equatorial trench >seemed to pulse for a moment, then visibly slowed in its orbit. SANDARA: Um, that's bad, isn't it? > On DJ's scope, the changes were obvious, as the two red lines >moved closer and closer to crossing, REBECCA: This is like Evangelion 64, only not as exciting. TSUNEO: ... REBECCA: Just admit you blew ninety bucks on that dog. TSUNEO: Never! >seeming to go ever slower as it >became more apparent to him that his target knew it was under attack. >He closed his ears to the sounds of the control-van crew interpreting >their readings on the Angel, REBECCA: Stuff is happening. >because what they were learning from >that, he could see plainly in front of him; it was getting ready to >shoot him. ALL: Ya reckon? TSUNEO: Of course, DJ is better equipped to analyze the situation than a team of trained professionals. > The lines crossed. DJ pulled the trigger. REBECCA: A shot rang out. A woman screamed. GOUKA: A pirate ship appeared over the horizon! > With a >crash so >loud DJ's brain interpreted it only as a high-pitched squeal, SANDARA: It was not unlike listening to Mariah Carey. > > the >particle cannon hurled the entire last ten seconds' electrical output >of the northeastern United States at the Angel. It formed the >source of the brightest light ever generated by Man, a bolt of >artificial lightning whose temperature was nearly three times that of >the surface of the Sun. REBECCA : Cool, huh? > At the very same moment, the Angel produced a comparable bolt >of its own. GOUKA : Two Blue and Counterspell, bitch! > The two pulses of energy darted out along opposite halves >of the same trajectory, and just before they met in the middle, they >twisted, curving around each other as the electromagnetic forces of >like-charge repulsion built up exponentially with every millimeter of >closing range. Tearing free from the interference patterns, they >rushed forth again, their trajectories altered - the Angel's shot >blowing a sizeable chunk out of the side of Mount Wachusett, DJ's >flying right over the city and disappearing in the distance. TSUNEO: "The two shots deflected each other." REBECCA: Amazing. I thought DJ would have contrived this to work right the first time. > "Shit," DJ muttered, watching the red "TOO HOT" indicator. REBECCA : It's Brian Christopher and Scott Taylor! Run! GOUKA: "Too hot." The most sophisticated war machine ever conceived by humanity has a "too hot" control... that's it, I'm pulling for the Angels at this point. >The instant it went out, he jacked the bolt on the rifle, popping the >smoldering, blown fuse out of the chamber and replacing it with a >fresh one, and the charging cycle began again. REBECCA: Loading, please wait. > "DJ, look out, it's recharging faster than - !" Misato's >warning cry began, but before she could complete it, the Angel had >fired again. REBECCA: Seen it... taped it... > Unit 00 surged to its feet, bracing up the shield, instants >before the beam slammed into it; still visible above the shield from >DJ's higher elevation, the target was almost lost in the glare from >the thrown-off energy. GOUKA : Damn, should have brought my Raybans. > As EVA-00 struggled to hold the melting shield >upright, DJ saw the beam rifle's charging light flick off. He gritted >his teeth, GOUKA: Look savage and Liefeldian! Grrrr! >eyes narrowed, staring at the slowly converging X-lines and >willing them to go faster. REBECCA: Just think happy thoughts, DJ. >Instead, the targeting computer bogged >down as the magnetic interference of the sustained firestorm going on >in the foreground forced it into a constantly recalculating loop. REBECCA: "Cyclic Redundancy Error. Please try again." >Then, overwhelmed with the unforeseen computational demands, it >crashed, and the targeting lines vanished as the scope went dark. TSUNEO: Once again, NERV fails, leaving DJ to save the day on his own! SANDARA: Just use the Force, DJ, and be done with it. > "Unit 01, abort, abort, abort!" Misato cried. "The fire >control computer's crashed, you won't be able to make a second shot!" REBECCA : We're completely screwed and I'm telling you to give up! No wait, that's not right... > "Rei, get out of there!" DJ cried, bringing EVA-01 to its >feet, the rifle coming away from its mounts and trailing the >still-attached power cable. TSUNEO: He raised himself above Rei's protection. The angel tracked its target, and raised the beam accordingly. Figure out the result yourselves. >"The computer can't work out the shot, it's over, we've lost!" REBECCA: Just hit reset. That always works. TSUNEO: Is this really coming from Misato? Little miss ruthless streak 2015? > Rei did not reply; EVA-00 remained still. REBECCA: Rei did not care. GOUKA: "Like We Care," this fall on MTV. > DJ screamed for her >to answer him as the shield warped, buckled, and disintegrated, >leaving EVA-00 directly exposed to the hellish fire of the Angel's >particle beam. SANDARA: RAMIEL used PARTICLE BEAM! > All thoughts in DJ's brain ceased with the knowledge that, if >he did not do something ->RIGHT NOW<- Rei Ayanami was going to die. REBECCA: Wow. How long did that take you, DJ? TSUNEO : But she's not improtant, so I'm going to take my time. >Without thinking, without operating the manual controls, without doing >anything but doing it, TSUNEO: Without making any sense... SANDARA: But *with* a handy copy of the script... > he brought EVA-01 fully upright, snapped the >rifle up to its shoulder, patched the sensor suite atop the rifle back >into the Evangelion's own sensor system, and took manual aim. SANDARA : Hail to the King, baby! GOUKA : Lock and load. REBECCA : Use the force, DJ. Let it guide you. > Ritsuko's cry that it couldn't possibly work was drowned in >the pounding of his pulse in his ears. As the moment stretched long >and thin, he murmured, "Wake up! Time to die," and fired. TSUNEO: So strike a dramatic pose, grit your teeth, snarl something stirring and memorable... Then go kick some. SANDARA: ...did DJ just riff himself? > The beam lanced out, streaked over EVA-00, REBECCA: Wouldn't it be kinda funny if the Ueberkind messed up just this one time? TSUNEO: And remember: Impossible is just a word. >and plunged >straight through the heart of the floating Angel, blowing a great >chunk out of the diamond's back side and bringing the whole thing >crashing unceremoniously down into Institute Park. REBECCA: Good thing DJ just picked up Quad Damage before hand. > As the brightness of the Angel's beam snapped off like a blown >light bulb, EVA-00, its orange armor sagging and smoking, REBECCA: Sagging and smoking? Sounds like the people who you go to the gym with, Tsuneo. TSUNEO: It makes me feel a lot better about myself to see what kind of shape everyone else there is in. >stumbled, then crashed face-first to the ground. SANDARA: Gracefully. >DJ dropped the particle beam rifle and TSUNEO: Crushed some innocent technicians to death. >skidded EVA-01 down the side of the mountain on the soles of >its feet, knelt it at the fallen prototype's side, GOUKA: And now recreation of one of the many wonderful "Weltall cradling fallen Vierge" sequences from Xenogears. Enjoy! REBECCA: Yes, but does it have MAD SKILLZ? > latched onto >the >armor plate over the entry plug, tore it off, and extracted the plug >manually. REBECCA: Damn, maybe he does have MAD SKILLZ after all. GOUKA: ... I actually believe DJ might be "MAD SKILLZ" incarnate at this point. >Then he shut his EVA down, ejected his own entry plug, and >climbed forth, hacking and heaving the LCL out of his lungs into the >night air as he stumbled toward the smoking Unit 00 plug, which lay >across the palm of EVA-01's outstretched right hand on the ground >before him. GOUKA: That's the largest suppository I've ever seen. > "Rei!" he called, though she couldn't possibly hear him with >the power off and the hatch closed. He cursed copiously as he >wrenched at the heat-expanded dogging handles TSUNEO: He said dogging again. Does that actually mean anything? >on the prototype entry >plug's hatch, not noticing as the palms of his plug suit gloves burned >away and his flesh sizzled against the hot metal; REBECCA: Is it wrong to be happy that DJ is in pain? >then, with a >squealing, tearing cry, the hatch gave way and popped free, drenching >him anew with an outpouring of LCL, which some part of his mind noted >was alarmingly hot, though not scalding. GOUKA: On the other hand, he's gonna be walking funny for weeks to come. >He hurled the hatch aside >without a thought for the layers of his skin he was leaving on the >handles and climbed through the opening into the plug, his mind's eye >filled with nightmarish images of what he might find. TSUNEO: Kim Beazley! REBECCA: Ewwwwww. > Rei was slumped in her seat, her eyes closed, but she looked >unharmed; SANDARA: Say, how would you tell if Rei was dead anyway? >as DJ splashed through the remaining LCL to her side on his >knees, put a hand on her shoulder and called her name, she stirred, >opened her eyes and looked at him. REBECCA : You were there, and you, and you were there also! > "Are you all right?" he asked hoarsely. TSUNEO: It's Evangelion. No-one is ever all right. > She nodded, and DJ broke down, his eyes filling with tears as >he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her close. TSUNEO: Any excuse for a grope. > "Why are you crying?" she asked softly, offering no resistance >to his embrace. "Do your hands hurt so much?" REBECCA: He's really been pumping them hard. > "What?" He sat back a little and looked at his hands, >noticing for the first time that they were a mixture of black and >angry red, burned to the second degree at least. SANDARA: Gruesome. REBECCA: On the other hand it'll get rid of those incriminating fingerprints. TSUNEO: Somehow this is going to be the cause of his "phantom burns" from earlier chapters. >Even now that he saw >the extent of the injuries, though, he felt no pain; only an >overwhelming sense of relief. REBECCA: Of course, his plug suit is going to be a mess afterwards. TSUNEO: Rebecca! REBECCA: Well, what do you want? He hasn't plopped into a seat once this chapter. >The battle was over and they were both still alive. REBECCA: Relatively speaking. >The strange sense of prophecy he'd felt had been cheated. TSUNEO : Dammit, I can't be right about events I have absolutely no clue to after all! > "No," he whispered, "I hardly feel them... I just... I was so >afraid of what I might find when I got that hatch open... " TSUNEO : Like you not needing *my* support. > Rei took his hands gently in her own, surveying the burned and >blistered flesh of his palms. REBECCA: Looks like a drunken fry-up to me. TSUNEO : Enough about you, back to my hands. >Then she did something he would never >have expected her to do: slowly, deliberately, almost ceremonially, >she kissed them gently, one after the other. [SANDARA pauses, then sits back with a growing growl. She morphs into her hybrid were-tiger form, shoving GOUKA and REBECCA to the ends of the couch with her increased mass.] TSUNEO: Ladies and gentlemen, that Avatar power trip personified! > It was a gesture >devoid >of passion or romance - more like a benediction - and it renewed the >strange sense of awe DJ tended to feel around her. SANDARA: If Rei starts washing *any* part of DJ's body with her hair, I'm going to start hurting people. > "This is the second time I've hurt you," she murmured, a tear >escaping from one of her own eyes. "I'm sorry." TSUNEO: Oh good! Groveling Rei, just what we needed! GOUKA: Bitter? REBECCA: No, jealous. > "It's all right, it's all right," DJ replied, the full >significance of what she'd said eluding him in his relief as he >enfolded her in his embrace again. "You need never apologize to me, >Rei, never. TSUNEO : I, in my almighty wisdom, grant you that much. GOUKA: He'll regret saying that when she goes out and trashes his bike. REBECCA: So is she going to be DJ or Jon's love interest? Or is she just going to be shared around? GOUKA: Clones, dear Rebecca. That, or Hutchins will start using Evangelion-H as source material. >And please... don't say you've nothing else. Not as long >as you've me and Jon." REBECCA: And Misato and Truss and Keller and the old man from scene 27 and Ensign Throwaway and... >He chuckled weakly through the still-flowing >tears and added wryly, "And don't say goodbye any more, it makes me so >bloody maudlin." REBECCA: "Maw-dlin"? TSUNEO: "Mow-dlin"? GOUKA: Let's call the whole thing off. [SANDARA Reverts back to her petite elven form] > She placed her hands behind his shoulders and softly replied >only, "Yes." REBECCA: Her dialogue just keeps on getting better. > From Jon's vantage point, such as it was, the operation was >little more than a blackout, followed by loud weapons fire and >explosions, TSUNEO: That? That was the meeting of the shareholders. REBECCA : How come I don't get to kick butt in any of these fight scenes? >and then the sound of cheering as the Angel had been >knocked out. The power came back not long after, but the >unidentifiable sense of dread which had been gnawing in him did not >leave, nor did the word Rei had spoken on her way out. > ["... Farewell."] SANDARA : I'm off to Maui. > Did she believe she was going to die? The thought had lodged >in his brain and played havoc with his guts, only becoming further >entrenched by his attempts at denial. REBECCA : I'm not fat. I'm just big boned. > Keeping one ear open, he heard fragments of conversations as >people rushed back and forth outside his room. They never lingered in >the area long enough for him to get whole sentences, but the fragments >he got started to slip into a pattern that filled him with dread. REBECCA: Something about Eric Bishoff and Vince Russo... > "... shield buckled... " > "... melted clean through... " SANDARA: "...Original or extra crispy..." > "... completely reconstructed... " > "... second-degree, maybe third... " TSUNEO: "...Plead the fifth..." > "... total loss... " > "... told her to abort, but... " GOUKA: "...*homage*, not a ripoff..." > "... suicidal... " > "... lucky we didn't lose both of them... " SANDARA: "...Only half the calories..." > Jon turned away from the door and went to the window on the >opposite side, as far from the corridor sounds as possible. He didn't >want to hear any more, he couldn't bear it. TSUNEO: Pre-fab girl groups do that to a guy. >His mouth was dry, and he >could feel his heart pounding. Could it be? Had Rei been killed as >she seemed to foresee? TSUNEO: Come on, even I don't think this fic's that bad. >He struggled not to believe, but only made himself wilder. REBECCA: Gene Wilder? GOUKA : DEBBIE! > He was looking out at the night-darkened Geo-Front cavern, >easily visible with the lights in the room off. He'd almost worked >himself up to a proper panic, when the door slid open, startling him. >He was initially reluctant to turn around as the anxiety tore at him. >What would he find when he turned around? SANDARA: Its... the OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM! AHHH! > Well, only one way to find out: slowly he turned to look. > And palpable relief flooded him as he saw her lovely face. GOUKA: Miaka... SANDARA: TAMAHOME! TSUNEO: Puke... [REBECCA snickers] > "Rei," he whispered, slumping visibly as the nervous tension >that had wound him to a fever pitch drained away. "You're all right." > She nodded. "Thanks to DJ." REBECCA : Stomp on his genitals, why don't you? TSUNEO : Did I mention how amazingly wonderful he is? > At his quizzical look, GOUKA: What do you know, he managed it anyway. >she explained how DJ and EVA-01 had >pulled the entry plug from her disabled unit before conducted heat >from Unit 00's slagged armor could heat the LCL to dangerous levels >and break down its oxygen-carrying capabilities - how he'd very >probably saved her life. GOUKA : Plasma's low boiling point... > Jon's reply was simple: "Thank God for DJ, then." TSUNEO: All bow down before the almighty power of DJ! Bow down! REBECCA: This is about the most grotesque point of Avatar worship I've ever... EVER seen. >As his >compatriot had an hour or so before, Jon gathered Rei into a hug, TSUNEO: So what, does everyone get to grope Rei now? REBECCA: Wait your turn. TSUNEO: ... >whispering over her shoulder, "When you told me 'farewell'... and then >I heard that Unit 00 had been so badly damaged... I was afraid you'd >been killed. You seemed convinced that you would be, when you left. >It scared me." REBECCA : See the bed? I wet 'em. > "Embarrassing," she said quietly. REBECCA: Saved by the spawn of Weenieman. How humiliating. >Whether she was talking >about the way the battle had gone, or about the nature of her >parting words, TSUNEO: Or about the way he's carrying on. >he didn't know, and frankly didn't care. > "You're alive," he replied softly. REBECCA: You could call it that... > "... Yes," she answered. > "That's all that matters," he continued, and hugged her >more firmly, not even noticing the tenderness of his new-grown outer >layer of skin anymore. > "...... Yes," she repeated, smiling ever so slightly. REBECCA: Additional dialouge by Ambassador Kosh. > DJ was right; she did have something else. SANDARA: And now Ben flips the WAFF switch on again. > The door opened again; Jon looked up to see DJ, back in street >clothes and with his hands bandaged more heavily than last time. TSUNEO : What's this? Having a scene *without* my greatness? Not allowed! > "Oh, sorry," he whispered. REBECCA: Oops, Ueber-child Interuptus... > "No, come in," Jon said, beckoning. DJ entered, closing the >door behind him, and went to join them, somewhat startled when Rei and >Jon reached out together and drew him into their embrace as well. GOUKA: Group hug, people. Group hug. REBECCA: This is so touching. I may throw up. > "Thank you," Jon whispered to DJ, who hadn't the faintest what >he was on about, but nodded and replied "You're welcome," anyway. GOUKA : This is the best Christmas ever! > As the three separated, DJ placed his pack on Jon's bed, >opened it, and fumbled about inside with his rather clumsy bandaged >hands, eventually coming out with a scroll-like roll of paper. REBECCA: The Magna Carta? The hell? TSUNEO: Um... Shouldn't the episode be over by now? >"Here, >Rei... Hal and I made this for you, but I didn't have a chance to give >it to you before all the excitement started." SANDARA : Why! An MP3 for me? > Rei took the paper silently, and, followed by Jon and DJ, went >to the head of the bed so she could switch on the reading lamp there >and look at it. Slowly, carefully, she untied the ribbon that held it >in its roll and spread it out flat on the bedside table, like an >old-fashioned map. REBECCA : It's a road map of Neo-Wichita! I hope ya like it. > It was a sheet of heavy, plasticene material, not really paper >at all (the sort of durable, color-holding material that softback >books had been covered in for the last twenty years or so), about >twenty inches by ten. GOUKA: So... laminated cardboard, then? > Printed on it was a picture of Rei, but not as she had ever >appeared. REBECCA: She had implants and was wearing something in skimpy black leather... >She lay on a stone bier (its sides covered with hieroglyphs), REBECCA: Does that say something dirty? I can't quite make it out. TSUNEO: "Product of China..." >dressed in elaborate and beautiful court robes, her >bejeweled hands folded funereally over her chest, her face perfectly >composed at rest, eyes closed. On her head was a golden pharaonic >headdress, complete with the blue lapis stripes. REBECCA: Pharaoh Man lives! >Only two things >dispelled the initial impression that this was a picture of a dead >ruler laid in state: the pillow under her regal head and the >ever-so-slight hint of color in her cheeks. GOUKA: "Digital art," then? REBECCA: It's Belldandy with a palette-swap. > REI AYANAMI, said the caption in a stilted, hieroglyph-like >font. QUEEN OF THE NILE. GOUKA: Queen of *Denial*, maybe... TSUNEO: Not that she's got anything to do with ancient Egypt. SANDARA: This brings a new definition to character worship. REBECCA: I'm going to be sick. Exorcist sick. > "The setting was Hal's idea," said DJ as Rei turned the >picture up to look at the papers attached underneath it with a paper >clip. TSUNEO : Since it's the dodgy part, I'm goign to blame someone else for it. >One was a sheet torn from a sketchbook with a fairly good >pencil sketch of a sleeping Rei, from the same perspective as the >finished image - REBECCA: DJ's been making good use of those installed cameras... TSUNEO : Why am I naked in this picture? > it must have been done in the infirmary, she decided, >noting the obvious outline of an infirmary gown. The other was a >printout explaining the meaning of the hieroglyphic writing on the >bier in the finished image. > "It... it's beautiful," Jon murmured. "You say you and Hal >made this?" REBECCA: Bored Evangelion fans and Photoshop. A dangerous combination. > DJ nodded. "Sometimes when I can't manage to get a camera >into someplace Mum and I are exploring, I'll take a sketch pad >instead. SANDARA : Kind of difficult during deep sea exploration, but I managed. > Then when I come out, I'll scan the sketches into Hal and >let him color, shape and render them to make them look more realistic. TSUNEO : In other words, he does all the work, and I take all the credit. >Sometimes he embellishes - he's quite creative for a computer. Making >fanciful images like this on the side is kind of a hobby of ours." SANDARA: They can churn out Sailor Senshi by the truck load! GOUKA: Authors already do that, Kitten. SANDARA: I told you not to call me that. > Rei carefully rolled the image and accompanying notes back up >and tied the ribbon around them again; then she turned and said >softly, > "Thank you, DJ." REBECCA : I needed some kindling. > DJ smiled. "It's the least I could've done for my guardian >angel." SANDARA: Okay, *now* we have title. > She blushed; it would be some time before he knew the full >reason. In response, he merely smiled, touching his forehead like a >salute. ALL: BIG FIRE! > "I have to go," said Rei after a few quiet moments. >"Dr. Ikari wants to speak to me about today's action." > "I'll see you tomorrow," Jon said. "Dr. Akagi wants to keep >me here for the rest of the night - such as it is - for observation, >but she'll let me go home tomorrow." TSUNEO: What, no smug DJism about Ritsuko being hot for Jon? > Rei nodded and went to the door. > "Say, Rei," said DJ as she reached it. > She turned, hand on the doorknob. > "Yes?" she replied softly. GOUKA : Does purple suit me? Be honest. > "Why'd you stand your ground when the shield broke up? Did >you hear Misato telling you to cut out?" > "I heard," Rei replied. "But if I had let the beam pass, it >would have hit the charging transformers for the particle beam rifle. >The rifle was charged. It would have exploded. You would have been >killed." GOUKA : In retrospect, I think I may have allowed a golden opportunity to slip through my fingers. > "You would have sacrificed your life for mine?" > "If necessary." > "Why?" TSUNEO : It's a living. > Rei fixed him with an even gaze from her deep red eyes, REBECCA : I'm evil, damn it. Evil! >one he >couldn't read at all, though it seemed to stare right past his own >eyes, straight to the place in the back of his head where his feelings >lived, and play a brief toccata on them. SANDARA: Polka for the Soul. > "Because you belong to me," she said unequivocally; then she >turned and left the room, leaving two astounded young men staring >after her. REBECCA : I have the receipt. > At length, DJ turned mystified eyes to Jon and said, "Did >-you- understand that?" > Jon shook his head. "If I figure it out... I'll let you >know." TSUNEO: HAH! It's kooky!... gah, no it isn't. GOUKA: And Hutchins lets it end like that... > /* The Mavericks "Blue Moon" _Apollo 13_ */ > >NEXT EPISODE: > > A familiar face welcomed with joy. REBECCA: Aunt Edna! > A familiar face met with dismay. GOUKA: Have you found God, yet, citizen? > An auspicious first impression. SANDARA: Aren't you glad you used Dial? > And the most violent sea battle since Jutland. TSUNEO: And the most thrilling fight since Double Coupon Day at Hy-Vee. > Join us in seven days for: > > NEON EXODUS EVANGELION > EXODUS 1:5 - ENTER THE DRAGON > 08/06/97 > >"Wonderful girl! Either I'm going to kill her, or I'm beginning to >like her." SANDARA: Wow, Ben's even doing his own stingers! TSUNEO: ...Actually I think that's a hint of things to come... REBECCA [Asuka]: WHAT? You dare not bow down and worship the Great Asuka? WA-TAK! GOUKA: Oh, goody, the one character I can relate to! [Sandara bolts from the couch back to the computer] Sandara: Guys, as thrilling as this week's episode was, I have to find Mohan! [pauses in front of the keyboard, examining it.] Ummm... Tsuneo? Tsuneo: Be right there. [Gouka looks over Tsuneo's shoulder, along with Sandara, as he tinkers with his on-screen character] Gouka: Computerized sword and sorcery. How droll. Rebecca: Gouka, I give you: Virtual Tsuneo! Tsuneo: Sandara, I think we've found Mo- [Several explosive flashes light up on the screen, and the trio lean back.] Gouka: ...I take it he's not supposed to be lying on the ground and bleeding like that. Sandara: [frantic] MOHAN! Tsuneo: I'll get to the bottom of this... Rebecca: Hack away, Cyber Tsuneo. There's a couple lamers now. [Two of the on-screen warriors turn as Tsuneo guides his character towards them.] "MOSLOV": Dood! That rare had some kewl loot! "deathSTURM": Lo! Wesa be gotsa a guest! Rebecca: What? He's a member of the Gungan Guild? Tsuneo: Hold up. Ahem... "Hello, I'm wondering why..." deathSTURM: "You parta guild-a?" Tsuneo: "Pardon?" Sandara: This is bad, isn't it? MOSLOV: "Wh@a! It took long enough for that r@r3 to spwn! Kick @$$! deathSTURM: He know speakee way we speakee! Rebecca: Gungans are getting restless there, Tsuneo. Tsuneo: Now hold on...Gah! [clicks mouse] Damn window. "Now as I was say--" -ing. Sandara: Umm... you kinda died there... Tsuneo: I know that but how!? [A pixelated black robed figure with a sterotypically floppy wizard's cap materializes by the two virtual warriors] "NIGHTkilla": Hotcha! Now I have a Soul Gem! Tsuneo: "Real bloody cute. Now if someone could..." WHOA! Hold on! I need that! Gouka: I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry... Rebecca: Damn, Tsuneo, you're being virtually rolled. Tsuneo: My enchanted khaki shorts! Sandara: [sobbing] What about my Mohan!? [A heavy thud is heard as a very charred and bruised Mohan slumps through the door. Sandara's the first to the fallen weretiger and cradles him. The others circle around him.] Rebecca: Bloody hell, he's a mess! Mohan: [hacking] I'm hoping --koff-- this will not be -grunts-- a typical day at the office. Sandara: My poor love, you need to rest, I'll mix up some herbs for those wounds. Tsuneo: I'll help you to the bedroom. Gouka: Would a rubdown help? [They all pause to glare at Gouka] Gouka: Just trying to help... [Tsuneo and Sandara assist Mohan into a nearby bedroom, and their voices are heard off screen.] Rebecca: "Enchanted Khaki Shorts" Tsuneo: +5 Protection! And they're comfy and easy to wear. Mohan: [wincing] That's really nice, Tsuneo. Really. [coughs] ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Get in touch with the riffers! *Tim McLees: shinji_70@hotmail.com *Alicia Ashby: lynxara@hotmail.com *Max and Alex Fauth: rickr@one.net.au > "EVA-03 is functional." > "... Yes." > "That is all that matters."