***ELMER STUDIOS, in association with SVAM, brings to you...*** Neon Exodus Evangelion: The Gathering Storm "Enter the Dragon" MSTed by Timothy McLees (compiler, co-editor), Alicia Ashby (co-editor), Max Fauth and Alex Fauth Tim's Notes: This episode brings us quite a few turns: the debut of a familiar face, the return of an unexpected one, and more SHODAN. Also, Mohan and Sandara continue their wacky adventures to find work. Enjoy! Alicia's Notes: This stuff is getting insanely fun to riff. I know Ben was really rushing himself on the schedule, but... well, you'll see when you read through. These plotholes are absolutely breathtaking! Max's Notes: More than in any previous chapter, we get force-fed Hutchin's dislike of particular characters. But don't worry. We don't have our own opinions anyway :-P Alex's Notes: OK, I'll admit that this was far from my favourite episode of Evangelion. BUT I was amazed that it actually came out more annoying this time around. The addtion of DJ seems to make things all the more painful. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's nighttime at the spacious apartment of the rag-tag crew of MSTers, Elmer Studios. A light rain drizzled outside the windows with an occassional distant thunderclap. The camera panned over as Tsuneo wandered wearily from the kitchen area over to the Lay-z-boy recliner in front of the wide screen TV. He carried along a Soylent Cola and the remote control, and wore a worn T-shirt, some sweats... and some black and white slippers, vaguely penquin-ish in appearance. Tsuneo dropped into the recliner with a sigh, popped open his cola and aimed his remote at the television... and the head and upper body of a familiar cocky red-haired mage in flowing scarlet robes peeks out from the screen. "Gweepings!" Gouka proclaimed. Tsuneo yelped in fright, and flailed back against his plush chair. He angerly lept to his feet and glared at the smarmy wizard as he climbed out from the big screen. Static roared from the TV as he freed himself from it. "Don't do that!" Tsuneo growled. "What are you doing here at this time of night." "Just got back from Worchester." Gouka beamed. "*Fabulous* place, really. got to see the Main Street where Eyrie Unlimited stage their chase scenes *and* all those quaint resturants." "Fascinating." Tsuneo smirked and took a slurp from his beer. "So where are the ladies right now." "Rebecca took Sandara into Sandara's bedroom couple hours back. Something about job training--" At that moment, the door to the female elf's bedroom and Sandara stepped out; gone where her usual green tunic and hide leggings. Instead, she wore a sleek sleeveless black bodysuit, belted at the waist with numerous pouches, latches and a small pistol. Her once flowing blond hair was now cropped short and tied back into a ponytail. A pair of round dark glasses, some short black gloves, and shoes completed the apparently Matrix-inspired ensemble. Rebecca bounced behind the proud elf with confidence. "Well, Tsuneo what do you think?" Gouka turned to the stunned man with a knowing smirk. "Dual action, Tsuneo? Kinky, I wouldn't have guessed." "Quit mistaking me for Dan," Tsuneo drearily interjected. "*Actually* Gouka," Sandara interrupted, removing her glasses. "It's part of my new job in a Shadowrun campaign. I'm a covert ops agent with Alphawear boosted reflexes and senses, and hardwired with headwear memory and datajack capabilities!" The leather-clad elf looked about the trio awkwardly. "...Whatever that is." "Impressive..." Gouka nodded with approval. "But what's the occasion?" "It's her latest job at the Elven Temp Agency." Rebecca replied, displaying a printout. "I hooked her up with some assignments." "Some of my other assignments weren't as good as I expected." "'Cameo on the Lodoss TV series'?" Tsuneo inquired, browsing the papers. "Funny thing there, Rebecca dropped me off, I wondered about, ended up on Pat Lee's 'Warlands' set by mistake." Sandara laughed nervously. "Extra tribe member in 'Elfquest'..." "Yeah, those dinks said Sandara didn't meet their height requirements." Rebecca protested. "They though you were too short?" "Too tall, actually." Sandara interrupted with a shrug. Gouka then gazed over Tsuneo's shoulder, then back over to the elven girl. "What's this 'Those Who Hunt Elves'?" There was a nervous silence over the quartet before Sandara finally noted "I'd rather not go into that." "...Coming up next on a very special 'Neon Exodus Evangelion." The television informed as its reception cleared up. "Tonight on the Eyrie Broadcast Network. E-B-N!" "Well, with the gang all here, I guess we may as well watch this together." Tsuneo grumbled, scratching his head with a tired squint. With a quick gulp from his Soylent Cola, he became somewhat more alert. Rebecca and Sandara followed him, with a somewhat predetory Gouka in tow. "Remind, me, Rebecca, *why* the skin tight black spandex?" she asked, casting a wary glance behind her to the fiery mage. "FASA standard issue." Rebecca shrugged. As the lights dimmed, Gouka glanced over at Tsuneo's drink. "Say... You do know what that stuff's made of?" he asked. "Don't kid yourself, it's all artificial additives," Tsuneo responded. [Rebecca and Gouka sit at the opposite ends of the couch. Sandara looks over to the recliner, where Tsuneo has just sank into comfortably. With a flustered groan, Sandara has no alternative but to sit between Rebecca and Gouka as the opening credits begin...] > /* Genesis "Land of Confusion" _Invisible Touch_ */ REBECCA: From the Neon Exodus Evangelion soundtrack. GOUKA: Not available in any stores. You'll thank us. > > EYRIE PRODUCTIONS, UNLIMITED > presents TSUNEO: More things about Ben! There may be a story, but who cares? > NEON EXODUS EVANGELION ALL: In Surround Sound! (TM) > EXODUS 1:6 - ENTER THE DRAGON SANDARA: Tiamat is back and she's pissed! > > >Inspired by NEON GENESIS EVANGELION created by Hideaki Anno, Gainax, > et al. > GOUKA : You know, the assorted unimportant people who made up all the ideas that I'll use properly in my fanfic! > Most characters created by Hideaki Anno and Yoshiyuki Sadamoto > except > > DJ Croft created by Benjamin D. Hutchins > Jon Ellison created by Larry Mann > and REBECCA: ... Jerry Mathers, as the Beaver! > Lara Croft created by Toby Gard GOUKA: And special guest star... Truss! ALL: ~~TRUSS! AH-Ahhhhhhh! He'll save all of us!~~ > >Additional material and inspiration cadged from TOMB RAIDER by Core >Design, Ltd., X-COM: UFO DEFENSE and sequels from MPS Labs (whoever > owns them nowadays), THE X-FILES created by Chris Carter, and REBECCA: The Jerry Springer Show. > 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY by Arthur C. Clarke GOUKA: I *wish* this was all Hutchins was opting to cross with Evangelion in this story, I *really* do... TSUNEO: Side note here: shouldn't Second Impact be rolling around here anytime now? REBECCA: Noticed that... the SDF-1 was supposed to crash last year too... SANDARA: Indeed, its been unusually light on the apocalypse this summer. > Written by Benjamin D. Hutchins and Larry Mann TSUNEO: Directed and choreographed by Steven Bochco. REBECCA [sighs]: Great, NERV techs breaking into song... > Aided and abetted by the Eyrie Productions, Unlimited crew > and special-guest-for-life Phil Moyer REBECCA: I hear Phil's lawyer is putting together an appeal. > (c) 1997 Eyrie Productions, Unlimited GOUKA: Fine purveyors of grade A Avatar cheese since 1991! TSUNEO: We'll never run out of stories, because they're all the same! > The Dos Lobos Cantina, a mile or two outside the bad part of >Teotihuacan, Mexico, has seen a lot of strange things in the sixty-odd >years it's been where it is. REBECCA: All those damn talking chihuahuas, after all. TSUNEO [gesturing to the screen]: And Lou Diamond Phillips' lip syncing, obviously... SANDARA: "Where it is"? Did they move the town or something? >Brawls, shootouts, robberies, drug deals >gone south, any number of violent occurances. GOUKA: Jaywalking, even! SANDARA [bored]: "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy." >It is a place where >anybody who is averse to violence shouldn't go, women doubly so, for >almost any woman entering the Dos Lobos will probably have to resort >to violence herself to get out again. SANDARA : If I hear 'La Bamba' *one more time*!... TSUNEO : But enough about Spring Break at Padre Island... >That the place has the only >working telephone between the back of beyond and Teotihuacan proper is >of no consequence to the people who live in the area and know better; GOUKA: Heaven forbid anyone has their own phone, it'll break up the quaint local character. >they go to town if they need to make a call. REBECCA : You're not dealing with AT&T! > The person entering the cantina at this particular moment in >time knew all that, but thought it of little importance compared to >the events of the last few months; SANDARA: The person just wanted to get plastered. >she couldn't have cared less that >all eyes were upon her the moment she stepped through the door. GOUKA : Whoa, amigo! She's nude! TSUNEO: "She entered the bar." > To be fair, all eyes had good reason to be upon her. She was >easily the most interesting-looking item in the place. SANDARA: And remember... women are items, *not* persons! >She was tall, lean and buxom, REBECCA: "Lean and buxom"... GOUKA: Kinda like the "slim and voluptuous" priestess. TSUNEO: And once more, I'm picturing a baseball bat with with golf balls on each side. >smeared with unidentifiable dirt and grime, wearing a >mud-encrusted, tight, sleeveless top that might once have been white >and tattered, filthy safari shorts, plus a pair of boots so befouled >with dried mud and road dust that the laces could no longer be >discerned. SANDARA: She needs Tide, and fast! REBECCA: Don't worry about cleaning yourself up, there's no civilization around here anyway. TSUNEO [blinks]: Ummm... huh? GOUKA: ... no. No, he did not just write... write *her* into this story! >Her hair was tied back in a braid, and so dirty its color >could not be determined. REBECCA : Waitaminute... TSUNEO : Umm... >The small round sunglasses she wore were >spattered with mud which, lacking anything with which to clean it off, >she had to suffer to remain there for the time being. REBECCA: No... I'm calling no way. >But even >bedraggled and filthy, she was stunningly beautiful, and carried >herself with an almost breathtaking athletic grace. GOUKA: She might have been the very paragon of physical perfection, if *only* her breasts hadn't been perfectly hexagonal. REBECCA: Looks like she just finished a match for the WWF Women's Championship. > On her back, slung from the straps of the small leather >backpack she wore, was a folding-stock pump shotgun; at her hips, >swaying gently as she walked, was a matched pair of automatic pistols. SANDARA: That has to be murder on emcumberance ratings REBECCA: Remember, your average video game character can carry nine weapons with several hundred rounds each and not slow down one bit. TSUNEO : Ummm... no... >She spared none of the numerous goggle-eyed patrons a second (or even >first, come to that) look as she strode to the bar and slapped down a >handful of assorted change. REBECCA: Huh, Canadian coins. GOUKA : Senora, I fear we cannot accept your New Jersey turnpike tokens here. > >Beer,< REBECCA: Fosters: Astrailian for-- oh. SANDARA: Tsuneo, you look kinda stunned there, you okay? TSUNEO: No... >she said to the barman in Spanish, >and I need to use >your telephone.< GOUKA : Breasts!... er, yes, madam. > The patrons of the Dos Lobos Cantina were a rough bunch, REBECCA: They're waiting for Road House to open back up. SANDARA: As if he hadn't already hammered it home. >but >they studiously kept their hands and comments to themselves the whole >time the woman remained, drinking her piss-warm Chago without wincing, TSUNEO: My, how convincingly tough and roughneck. >carrying on a lengthy and increasingly animated conversation in >English with someone on the place's antique phone, GOUKA: Yes, she's talking with her agent at Eidos Interactive. [Tsuneo visibly winces.] >and sauntering out >with the same almost-insouciant hip-rolling walk. REBECCA : If those shorts were tighter they'd be behind her! TSUNEO: You know, I hear DJ was a case of immaculate conception? Yes, he sprang from the raw insouciance planted in Lara's loins by a strange and mysterious deity that dubbed itself "Gryphon." >Between the look on her beautiful face, REBECCA: If somewhat polygonal. >the steel in the tone of her voice, and the easy >way she carried those guns, even the most lecherous and stupid of them >had realized that here was a woman there was no percentage in messing >with. GOUKA: This woman would not return sufficient interest on their lechery investment. SANDARA: ~~Everybody run! The homecoming queen's got a gun!~~ >None of them said a word the whole time she was there; none of >them even discussed her after she was gone, for fear she would somehow >hear and come back to punish them. REBECCA: In the name of the moon? SANDARA: *That* gives me a visual I never ever want to see again... TSUNEO [gradually recovering]: But she's... GOUKA: For hundreds of years thereafter, bandits spoke in hushed whispers of the enigmatic Square-Breasted Phantom. > As she walked toward Teotihuacan and what passed for >civilization in post-Second-Impact Central America, REBECCA: It looks not unlike South Central Los Angeles now. TSUNEO: So... nothing's changed. >the woman was almost disappointed that nobody had tried to start anything. REBECCA: I want senseless violence and I want it now! SANDARA: Don't worry, Springer's going to be on soon. >After >spending four and a half months out of touch with civilization, three >weeks trapped in a Mayan temple and the rest lost and living rough in >the jungle, TSUNEO: She was kind of hungry. REBECCA: Dammit, Jaguar and poisonous berries *again!* >she was almost spoiling for a fight. GOUKA: She came to kick ass and chew bubble gum, but she was all out of ass. > On the other hand, it was just as well; she wanted to save all >her anger for the scumbag who trapped her in the temple and left her >for dead, with a healthy side helping left over for the American >government fools who'd all but kidnapped her son. SANDARA: And a small serving of rage for dessert. > They were going to learn the hard way, all of them, that >nobody screws around with Lara Croft. Nobody. TSUNEO: But if she was... and now she's... then who...? REBECCA [raises hand]: *AHEM* 'Scuse Me! Story?! GOUKA: By L-Sama, it's an actual plot twist! SANDARA: Guys, it's just an uncanny simulation of a plot twist. > DJ Croft had, over the years, developed a number of ways for >coping with air travel, which was one of his least favorite ways of >getting around. GOUKA: Not the least of which was his flying, rocket-powered midget motorcycle! TSUNEO: Poor DJ didn't purchase Teleporting for his Sixth Child Multipower. >His favorite, and the one he was using now, was >simply to sleep through it - no mean feat aboard a cargo helicopter >which only carried passengers as an afterthought, but then, DJ was >fond of saying, if you can sleep in the King's Chamber of the Great >Pyramid, you can sleep anywhere. GOUKA: And if you can eat in the Forgotten Foyer of Sultan al' Ish-Kabibble, you can eat anywhere! REBECCA: That's one complex colloquialism. > In the sling seat next to him, Misato Katsuragi tried to get >comfortable, TSUNEO: Impossible given her company. >paging through a book she'd picked up at random from Ritsuko's desk. GOUKA : "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn..." --the hell?! >Amazingly, considering it was a non-work-related book >picked up from Ritsuko's space, it wasn't about cats; SANDARA: It was the latest issue of Battle Chasers. Madureira had just then gotten to releasing another one. > it >was entitled >"A Night to Remember", and was a somewhat fictionalized but mostly >factual account of the sinking of the steamship Titanic, just over a >hundred years before. REBECCA: Again, the Titanic pops up... TSUNEO: As well as that book, kinda like Shinji's symphony tapes. GOUKA: It's both symbolic and irrelevant! Now that's a stunt. SANDARA: It's not irrelevant, it's glorifying DJ's interests! >There wasn't a single cat mentioned anywhere in >it, as far as she could tell. GOUKA: Misato couldn't imagine for the life of her why the novel's author hated cats so much. Why, the Titanic must've been simply *crawling* with cats... REBECCA: Misato's more of a dog person. > She had just gotten to the bit where Second Officer Lightoller >gets rousted out of bed by one of the other officers when the pilot >informed her they'd arrived at the task force and would be landing, REBECCA: Hey! Up in the cockpit, it's ReRob! [The quartet applaud politely.] >so she stuck the book back in her carryall and nudged DJ awake. TSUNEO : Good morning, hon! What'd you dream about? > "Hm? Wha? Are we there?" he asked, sitting up and yawning. GOUKA : I need to go potty... SANDARA : You should have thought about that at the base. > "Yes, we are," Misato replied. "Try to contain your >enthusiasm, OK?" REBECCA: I don't like it, so I'm gonna whine. > "Sorry, love... I just don't get on terribly well with >aircraft, is all." GOUKA : An... *aircraft* killed my father. >DJ looked out the side window at the gleaming blue >expanse of ocean below, [SANDARA makes nauseous, vomiting noises.] GOUKA: A bit airsick there, kitten? >spotting a couple of the destroyers belonging >to the outer defense ring of the Kriegsmarine carrier battle group >they were meeting. SANDARA: And down there! It's... [sings] The Good Ship... Yamato! >"Was this trip really necessary? They'd have been >in New Providence in another day." SANDARA: If I can't enjoy air travel, no-one else will. REBECCA: He's the proverbial kid kicking the back of your seat. GOUKA : Can't you just make the stupid ol' military come over to *our* house? TSUNEO [snickers]: Neo-Rhode Island! > "I suppose not," Misato replied, "but you didn't have to come >along, remember?" REBECCA: Ah, but I know where the focus of this episode is! > "And let you take Jon instead, and leave me alone with that >predatory bottle blonde? Perish the thought. SANDARA [pained]: Gah... GOUKA: No, seriously, Ben, how do you *really* feel about Ritsuko? TSUNEO: Because, dammit, I can't let Jon do anything! >Without you round to >fend her off she'd never leave me be. The woman's crazy about me." REBECCA: Comedy, or ipecac? *You* make the call! > Misato laughed and yanked the fedora DJ wore down over his >eyes. "Let that head of your swell any more and you won't be able to >wear this," she warned him. SANDARA [sings]: ~~Who's that Child with the *BIG HEAD*?~~ REBECCA : DJ, are you in any pain? TSUNEO : Nope! It's just a real Big Head. > "Hey, get off," he replied, straightening the hat indignantly. >"D'you have any idea how hard it is to find a proper hat in >Worcester-3?" REBECCA [bored]: No, tell us. GOUKA : Search every store in the city, and not *one* propeller beanie... TSUNEO : Now, let's take a break to discuss DJ's *cool hat*! > "I ought to, you've described your travails in enough detail." REBECCA: Oh, goodie. This whole chapter's going to be taken up with DJ's amazingly intense search for a *hat.* > It was true, DJ had spent quite a bit of time and effort >tracking down the hat, and the black suit, wingtips and belted trench >coat that went along with it. REBECCA: Oh, forget it. TSUNEO: So he's Dick flippin' Tracy now? GOUKA: DJ put an inordinate amount of effort into looking like a Secret Service midget... SANDARA: Did we mention that he's smooth? >Why he wanted to dress like a spy for >his trip to rendezvous with the German Navy convoy bringing Evangelion >Unit 02 and its pilot over from Europe was beyond Misato, TSUNEO: DJ Croft: International Man of Mystery REBECCA: The Child That Shagged Me! [shudders] >but, as with >most of his little eccentricities, she accepted it with fond good >grace. GOUKA: The hours spent mucking about Asheron's Call were beginning to annoy her, though. SANDARA: The actual purpose of this chapter is mentioned as an offside. No, really, we want to hear about the hat. >She'd become aware, over the past week or so, that he'd become >an integral part of her homelife these days. SANDARA: Indeed, Misato couldn't image how she possibly could've enjoyed life without a demanding, arrogant Brit barely old enough to shave telling her what brand of beer to buy. >They were, it seemed, >natural roommates, and she had become quite fond of the boy. GOUKA: Why, they even had matching beer can collections. TSUNEO: Sure he's an arrogant, insensitive and domineering dickweed, but he's a lot of fun! REBECCA: Must be like living with Kurt Angle. Except louder. >Not as enamored of him, perhaps, as Maya Ibuki, TSUNEO: All NERV's women fall before the power of smug! REBECCA: Except Ritsuko, but we all know she's really a servant of the dark lord. >with whose connivance he >could get away with almost anything in Equipment Section - but quite >fond, nonetheless. SANDARA: Remind me, has he yet to do anything legitimately lovable or endearing so far? GOUKA: Of course not. He's adorable by author caveat. >She found herself, at this moment, possessed of a >most untoward desire to take off his hat and ruffle his hair, REBECCA: And set fire to it. >but restrained it, not wanting to provoke his inevitable indignant >response. REBECCA : Dad! Sis is over on my half of the seat-- She's touching me! TSUNEO : I'll turn this helicopter right around, young man! > DJ had little use for warships, SANDARA: If I don't get to drive it, it's not interesting! >except the sunken ones that >made for an interesting archeological challenge. GOUKA : They're painted *entirely* the wrong shade of green! >His interest in the >kinds of ships that still floated was largely confined to SANDARA: ... his bath tub. REBECCA: And here was me thinking he preferred to play "hunt the submarine." >passenger >liners, which had seen an unexpected resurgence of popularity in the >post-Second Impact years, TSUNEO: For... What reason, precisely? REBECCA: Well, given that all the world's major shipyards are underwater... >plying the swollen oceans in numbers not >seen since the advent of cheap air travel. GOUKA [very flat]: My, I wonder how this *might* be connected to the strange infatuation with "Titanic" stories everyone in the universe seems to have developed. I wonder if the author might have an excessive fondness for ocean travel? TSUNEO: It's the only halfway reaonable explanation, at least. >DJ liked traveling by >liner a great deal more than by air; it didn't make his ears pop, it >wasn't noisy, and the vehicles involved were a lot more interesting, >plus the trips were longer and gave him more time to think, read, and >anticipate his destination. SANDARA: Just watch out for random iceberg encounters. GOUKA: It was slow and inefficient, and dog gone it, that was *just* the way DJ liked things! REBECCA: Oh, just like his writing? GOUKA: Ben's writing, dear. Remember, he bothered to change the main character's name this time around. > Nevertheless, he was impressed with the sheer size and >complexity of the German nuclear supercarrier Deutschland, GOUKA: ...the German warship... "Germany"? SANDARA : Well, I misplaced my German-English dictionary, better make due... REBECCA: Of course, you have to wonder where the German navy got a nuclear-powered carrier from in the first place... TSUNEO: The same place the Asian Mercenary Cult got all those Iowa-Class Battleships? REBECCA: Probably. >if not with the originality of its name. REBECCA [double-takes]: The hell? We just... SANDARA: I thought Mohan was the only psychic around here... GOUKA: Well, at least Ben's honest about his naming logic for the Big German Thing. >Most of the carrier's planes were >grouped forward, and flight operations were suspended for the time >being; TSUNEO: We know DJ thinks he's improtant, but the full military fanfare and the 21 gun salute were a bit excessive. >the NERV cargo chopper touched down without incident, and as a >group of colorfully-vested German seamen made it secure, REBECCA: Nice to see the Galaxy Quest outfits are still seeing use. >Misato and DJ >disembarked and went to meet the captain. GOUKA: Misato tried not to groan in agony when DJ introduced himself as "Chibi-Bogart." > Admiral Franz Keller, TSUNEO: Any connection to our good buddy Otto? REBECCA: Otto, Franz... Good to see he's avoiding the stereotypical German names. >the grizzled veteran commander of the >carrier Deutschland and her battlegroup, received them with Teutonic >politeness, if not overwhelming enthusiasm; TSUNEO [Robust and friendly]: Your EVA is so... klandinktu! GOUKA: In a special cameo appearance, it's Lord Wolfgang Fahrvegnugen! >then, casting a dubious >eye on the cargo helicopter, he asked, REBECCA : So, Misato, have you brought the keg? > "Am I to understand that your use of a cargo helicopter means >you have brought the emergency power connector?" > "That's correct," Misato replied. She offered a manila >envelope. GOUKA : It's right in here! >"Here are the specifications and diagrams your engineer >will need in order to install it." SANDARA : Our customer service reps are available via NERV's toll-free number should you need any assistance. > "Very well," replied Keller, taking the envelope. "I must >confess, I can foresee no eventuality which would lead me to approve >the use of the machine, TSUNEO: Apart of course for us being attacked by something we can't possibly handle. REBECCA: Hey, is that Fat American Admiral lurking nearby? >but I suppose we may as well be prepared for any eventuality." GOUKA: So... you're going to prepare for something that you don't think can even possibly happen. TSUNEO: Alright, folks, I think we should all take some classes on what to do if attacked by rabid penguins. > "That's the spirit," said Misato with a grin. > "Your young friend seems to have wandered off," Keller >observed with a severe expression that was belied by the twinkle in >his eyes. REBECCA : Ach! Winky is at it again, that scamp! >"I'll have you know I'll tolerate no juvenile chicanery on >my ship. TSUNEO: DJ's in for it. REBECCA: He won't be laughing when he gets immersed in strawberry juice. >If he causes trouble, he'll find himself serving a four-year >compulsory tour of service in the Kriegsmarine!" SANDARA : But I kid the young child. Come, Misato, let us go to the commissary and partake of some sandwiches! > "Don't worry, Admiral," Misato replied. "DJ should be able to >keep himself out of trouble." GOUKA : Meanwhile... SANDARA: I sense something kooky coming this way, gang... > > Back in Worcester-3, the EVA practice range was getting quite >a workout. With DJ gone, EVA-00 and EVA-03 were being tested in >simultaneous training, to determine the suitability of their pilots >as a combat pair. REBECCA: Their swimsuit competition is next... GOUKA: Yes, only now does it occur to NERV to find out if the delicate teamwork they'll need to save the human race from destruction is actually possible! >Ikari had posted the duty rosters that morning, and >to no one's surprised, he had paired Ellison with Ayanami and Croft >with Langley; TSUNEO: Since those two are the only ones actually *here* at the moment. >now it was time to see if the first of those pairs would >actually work as a combat team. GOUKA: ... bloody hell, I'm actually right. SANDARA: The list also serves to construct the love polygon for the series. > As the two Evangelions - EVA-00 repaired and in its new >blue-and-white battle livery, TSUNEO: So is there any reason why EVA-00 is ready earlier here than in the series? REBECCA: Because Tom- er, Ben said so. >EVA-03 shiny and new-looking in its >black and red - moved through the city, decoys and targets popped up >at random, testing the pilots' reaction times, target judgment, >alertness and firing accuracy. GOUKA: Well, actually, it was a giant virtual reality game of Duck Hunt with altered graphics. But Ellison and Ayanami certainly didn't seem to mind! > "Target, two nine zero," Rei reported quietly. > "Targeting," Jon responded in the same tone, even as >both EVA-03 and EVA-00 swung their autorifles and knocked the >target down with twin three-round bursts. GOUKA : So what are you doing after the exams? SANDARA : I was going to the mall to shop at Gazooks. You? > "Amazing," Ritsuko Akagi observed in the control room. REBECCA : A diet soda with the taste of a regular one. > The word Maya Ibuki would have used would probably have been >"disturbing", but she nodded agreement nevertheless. GOUKA : Smile and nod, just smile and nod... > At the moment, DJ was not technically in trouble, but he was >kind of put out; a gust of wind had gone and blown his hat off, and he >was now pursuing it across the flight deck, hoping that he'd capture >it before it blew overboard. ALL: [Mimic the "Bulk and Skull theme" from Power Rangers] > His hope that somebody would intercept it before it arrived >was fulfilled, sort of, in that a smallish, sandal-shod foot came down >on the brim and held it firmly to the deck. GOUKA: Shirley Temple, no! TSUNEO : Those cost $30 a piece at London Fog, I'll have you know. >DJ, intent on the deck as >he followed it, tried to stop abruptly so as not to run into the owner >of the foot, but between the slightly wet deck and the smooth soles of >his new and unfamiliar dress shoes, he slipped and fell to the deck, >cursing and mentally noting that it seemed to be his month for doing >clumsy things. REBECCA : D'oh! SANDARA [kooky]: That'll happen! GOUKA: Ye gods, I'd hate to see what his Month for Staggering Overachievement looked like. > Looking up at his hat's sort-of rescuer, he found himself >looking up at a pair of nice legs - a little thin, but long, with >good ankles, strong calves and sleek thighs - TSUNEO: Well rounded legs! Made from the finest pine! >and yellow panties, probably silk. GOUKA : Ye gods, I want a pair of those. REBECCA: Spare us no small details, Ben... >The rest of the person was obscured by a yellow skirt >that was blowing in the wind. GOUKA: But, from this angle, DJ wisely decided that the rest of this person probably wasn't nearly as interesting. > Taking all this in stride, DJ said cheerily to the legs, >"Hullo, legs! Mind stepping off my hat?" SANDARA [with a slight drawl]: Don't call me Legs. TSUNEO [snickers]: Smooth, DJ, real smooth. > The foot moved; he recovered his hat and stood up, at which >point he was slapped in the face by an angry-looking girl about his >age. [The quartet cheer!] REBECCA: DJ is officially WA-TAKed! GOUKA: He's actually wrong, too! This seems to be DJ's month for doing Bloody Stupid and Obnoxious Things! TSUNEO: As if that wasn't painfully obvious. >The rest of her matched her legs pretty well; she was slim and >well-built, a couple of inches taller than DJ, just starting to fill >out and doing a pretty nice job of it. SANDARA: *Well*, I think we've found Ben's favorite. >The yellow one-piece sundress >she wore hung nicely, and she had good skin, too. GOUKA: So good, in fact, DJ was beginning to fancy a new wallet made out of it. >Her pert face was >set in a glare of indignation, wide blue eyes almost crackling with >annoyance, REBECCA: And the righteous fire of justice. >as the wind blew her long auburn hair about in a most fetching manner. SANDARA: Dual Action Indignation... TSUNEO : I'M IN LOVE! > "What was that for?" DJ inquired pleasantly, resisting the >urge to touch his stinging face. TSUNEO: Gosh DJ, we could never guess. GOUKA : And would you be terribly opposed to doing that again? While wearing something in black leather, perhaps? REBECCA: Who needs Toji and Kensuke? DJ can roll all their inanity into the one person. > "That was the viewing fee," the girl replied haughtily, a >trace of a German accent coloring her otherwise American-sounding >English. "Quite a bargain, wouldn't you say?" REBECCA: Wonder what she does if you don't rewind. > DJ considered this for a moment, then nodded. "Not a bad deal >at that! Hit me again, I want to have another look." ALL: ... TSUNEO: Throw him overboard, Asuka. You know you want to. GOUKA: Well, I have to give the boy this: he's got a solid business sense. REBECCA: What?! You dare desire to gaze at the Great Asuka's panties! WA-TAK! Again! > She blinked at him, caught totally off-guard; TSUNEO: Whoops, no, never mind, couldn't actually retaliate like she did in the show. >then her face >darkened with anger, and for a moment, he thought she actually -would- >slap him again - at which point, he would not be held responsible for >his actions. REBECCA: He would bawl like a little baby. >Then the anger cleared as she spotted something behind >DJ, and she waved, smiling. SANDARA : Hi, Mister Director! > "Hey! You've grown a lot since I last saw you," said Misato >cheerfully as she walked across the deck toward the children. REBECCA: But it was just five minutes ago. TSUNEO: There are other people, you know. REBECCA: There are? > "Yup!" the girl replied. "And not just taller; my figure's >starting to fill out, too," she continued, striking a pose. TSUNEO: Ah-heh... I think I'll just avert my eyes, Miss Jailbait... REBECCA : What? You'll miss out on the dream of every salaryman! > "I was just commenting on that," DJ observed. REBECCA: See the slap marks? > "Oh, you've already met?" Misato asked. GOUKA : So why isn't DJ dead yet? > The girl's face fell. "Don't tell me -this- is the Fifth >Child." SANDARA: No, he's just there for "Take Your Dickweed to Work" Day. > Misato nodded. "Uh-huh! DJ Croft, meet the Second Child, >Asuka Soryu-Langley." TSUNEO : WHAZZUP! [TSUNEO gets kabonged with a cushion by REBECCA] TSUNEO: [Dazed] Sorry... Don't know what came over me. > "Charmed," said DJ, tipping his hat. > Asuka looked DJ over with narrowed eyes, then shrugged. GOUKA : Eh. Tom Dyron had a nicer butt. >"Hmph! He doesn't look so great to me." REBECCA [applauds with respect]: Thank you, the voice of reason finally... > "If you want, I can slap you and then let you have a look at >the rest of the package," DJ offered politely. [REBECCA stops and begins seething] TSUNEO: His Total Package... GOUKA [smiles]: Episode's looking brighter already! SANDARA: The *pants* *stay* *on*, DJ... > "No THANK you," Asuka replied, turning away. "Hey, Misato, >have you seen Mr. Kaji?" > Now it was Misato's face's turn to fall. GOUKA: It slid right onto the deck, creating a *most* unsightly mess. >"He's -here-?" she >replied, her tone indicating that this was far-from-welcome news. TSUNEO: The kookyness never stops in NXE. REBECCA: "We're as whimsical as Thundercats!" > "Uh-huh!" Asuka replied, nodding happily, oblivious to >Misato's dismay. "He came with us from Germany. I think he's got >some stuff for the Director." SANDARA : Why, he's smuggling brautwurst! I'd no idea... GOUKA: Creative euphemism there, kitten, I'm impressed. SANDARA [blushing]: ... > "Wonderful... " Misato observed weakly, the wan smile on her >face belying the word. REBECCA : DJ *and* Kaji. How nice. > "Oh, there he is!" Asuka said, spotting someone off by the >carrier's island. "RYOOOJIIII!! OVER HERE!" she cried, waving. ALL [recoiling]: WUH! GOUKA: She's channeling C-Ko! Run! > DJ turned to see a tallish Japanese guy about Misato's age, >with long black hair tied back in a ponytail, a couple of days' growth >that he probably thought made him look all retrocool like Don Johnson >in those old 'Miami Vice' reruns, GOUKA: ... a couple days' growth of what? Mold? Toenails? >and civvies with a spotted tie, >break away from a group of sailors and saunter over. TSUNEO : Oh, hi! I'm looking for the Bubblegum Crisis 2040 set. Can ya help me? >An unlit >cigarette hung from the corner of his mouth, since smoking wasn't >allowed on the carrier. DJ took an instantaneous dislike to him. TSUNEO: Any particular reason why? GOUKA: Again, Hutchins, tell us how you *really* feel. SANDARA: Gee, someone *else* from the original serious Ben hated. REBECCA: Can't blame him, though. > Misato did not turn around to see him approach, and visibly >stiffened as he slid up beside her, slipped a hand around her waist in >an almost proprietorial way, TSUNEO : It's mine. I found it. Get lost, kid. >and said, "Hey, babe; long time no see," in a deep, oh-so-smooth voice. GOUKA : Yes, I'm Trevor Hardslag. REBECCA: As charming as ever. Hope someone kicks his nads up into his sinuses. > DJ felt his instinctive dislike crystallizing. TSUNEO: Don't give us an opportunity to form an opinion, tell us again how wretched and lothable he is! REBECCA: Kaji, BAAAD! > "Uh... hi, Kaji," Misato replied, gently removing his hand. GOUKA: She then gently tossed it over the side of the ship. > "I'm sorry, sir, I don't believe we've met," said DJ, >sharpening up his English accent as much as possible and being almost >overly polite. TSUNEO: Teen Boy comes to Misato's aid! ALL [bored]: Yay. REBECCA: You can tell he's sophisticated; he's *English.* SANDARA: Thanks for the reminder, we'd almost forgotten. > "Oh, sorry," said the man, sticking out a hand. "Ryoji Kaji." > "DJ Croft," DJ replied, shaking it. He had a firm grip, but >DJ still didn't trust him. TSUNEO: Kaji's grip was firm. A little *too* firm... GOUKA: And DJ didn't like the way it made him feel all tingly in his naughty bits. > "You're the Fifth Child, then?" Kaji asked. > "I could tell you," DJ replied, "but then I'd have to kill >you." > Kaji laughed, which annoyed DJ slightly, since he hadn't >really meant it as a joke. ALL: ... GOUKA: This seems to be implying that DJ is either used to making pathological death threats towards people he doesn't like and actually going through with them, or that he is in fact a registered 00 agent of the British Crown. SANDARA: ... I'm not sure which one is more frightening... >"Hey, those guys tell me that there's some >rain coming," he went on, angling a thumb back at the group of sailors >he'd just been taking to. REBECCA: "Hello, Sailors!" >"What do you say we head down to the >wardroom and get something to eat?" GOUKA : Hey, I hear there's a chance of a typhoon starting, too! Wanna go play pool? > As he put his hand back on Misato's waist and squired her >toward the island, she glanced back at DJ with an expression he found >very easy to interpret: This is not happening. Get me out of here... REBECCA : I specifically remembered *Zoner* as my SO in my contract, dammit! > DJ sympathized, even if he didn't have the complete story, and >promised himself to help her out at the first available opportunity. GOUKA: Really, it was *just* to help Misato. Not at all because he was being used as an instrument of vengeance by an irritated fanboy out for a bit of fanfictional vengeance. *Really*... > In Ritsuko Akagi's office, she and Gendou Ikari watched the >annotated playbacks of Jon and Rei's weapons tests, noting the spikes >in their sync curves as they moved and fired together. REBECCA : Are you as turned on by this as I am, honeybuns? > "Their synchrony is impressive," Ikari observed. SANDARA : But schtupid. >"It's >almost as if they're synchronized with each other's neural patterns as >much as those of their EVAs." GOUKA : Almost as if fate destined them to be together... a Miracle Romance! REBECCA: It's almost as if they're made for each other. TSUNEO: That's not funny, and you know it. > "Mm," Ritsuko replied, nodding, not taking her eyes off >the screen. "It could be a great asset." SANDARA: Put together they might almost be as good as DJ. REBECCA: Yes. DJ is awesome. SANDARA: Have we mentioned how amazingly wonderful he is recently? GOUKA: You've made your point, ladies... > "Correction," said SHODAN pleasantly from the sensor unit on >her console. "Under most combat conditions, it is a liability." REBECCA : Crimeny, have to do everything around here... > Ritsuko scowled at the sensor unit. "Explain." GOUKA : They'll start holding hands and making kissyfaces and doing mushy stuff together, and they'll start kissing each other instead of fighting and it'll be iiiicky! > "Observe their performance," SHODAN replied. Ritsuko and >Ikari turned their attention back to the screen and watched. SANDARA : Rei's dismount was truly lackluster here... GOUKA [coy]: Again, Kitten... that Street Samurai costume's brought something out of you. SANDARA [uncomfortable]: Tsuneo, you mind changing seats, *please?*... TSUNEO: And sit next to him? No chance. > Time and again, a target would pop up; time and again, one >would identify it, then both would shoot it. GOUKA: Ritsuko and Gendo were really beginning to wonder how Jon and Rei's tendency to shoot things undermined their overall goal of being very good at shooting things. >The course was being run >with the expectation that there would be two independently-operating >EVAs on it; as such, the targets were coming too fast for Rei and Jon >to deal with them in this fashion. REBECCA : This'll be on the test later, so take notes. >After several minutes of this, SHODAN continued, > "When Jon and Rei are working together their synchrony >is unmatched. However, as you can see, they tend to target the >same hostile at once, move in the same direction, and so forth. Both >are taking the role of point." REBECCA: Yes, ladies and gents, they were *that* bored. TSUNEO: Hey, want to see some cool footage of Jon and Rei turning pages? > "So we'll tell one of them to be point and the other to drop >back to marksman," said Ritsuko. GOUKA : And, y'know, tell them not to fire on each other or anything. > "That was done. SANDARA : I was *getting to that*, Miss Know-It-All... >Every time, their synchrony dropped off. >Prevented from exploiting it, they unconsciously abandon it and act >almost totally independently - they cease to be any meaningful sort of >team." TSUNEO: Apart from the fact that they're double-teaming every enemy with ruthless efficiency. > "Meaning they can't fight?" Ikari asked. > "I did not say that," SHODAN replied. GOUKA : Remind me again, *why* did we hire you? >"However, if they fight >together, I calculate a 94% probability that they will be too >predictable to effectively oppose an Angel. REBECCA: I say this, knowing precisely how all the Angels will behave. TSUNEO: But- REBECCA: Silence! I have spoken! My rigid grill structure! >The Angels learn as they fight, TSUNEO: Meaning your pilots don't. >and it will not take any Angel long to reach the same >conclusion I have reached and exploit the weaknesses of their >cooperative style." REBECCA : Yes! They could send another Angel to sneak up on them while they were shooting a decoy Angel! Or something! > "How do you propose we deal with this?" inquired Ikari. > "Simply put: to obtain peak performance from both pilots, they >need to both perform the same task. I have put this issue to the >Magi; TSUNEO: So their most lively lunch conversation is with the facility's AI? >they unanimously recommend each of them serve as marksman to one >of the other pilots. GOUKA : You know, I could run this entire operation myself. Why the hell does NERV keep hiring you fleshbags? >A three-to-zero Magi consensus makes the optimal >pairings thus: point Croft, mark Ayanami; point Langley, mark >Ellison." > "I'm not sure I like that arrangement." TSUNEO: Tough luck. I've been reprogrammed to ensure that DJ scores with Rei. > "Your personal feelings are not relevant," said SHODAN >mildly. "This arrangement is the most efficient one." SANDARA : Gendo, you're fired. Clean out your desk and transfer control of NERV over to me. > "Well, we'll just have to test this theory," Ikari replied, >accepting the computer's rebuke as truth. REBECCA: Yikes, being p-whipped by your own Eliza has to sting. > "As always, there is no substitute for empirical testing," >SHODAN concurred. SANDARA : And in conclusion, you all suck, I rule you all. REBECCA: Who's the mightiest computer around? CABAAL! TSUNEO: Nice variation. > For DJ, the opportunity he was looking for wasn't long >coming. GOUKA: Line break, some stars... dashes would be nice. REBECCA: Getting whiplash from these scene changes? > They sat at a table in the wardroom - DJ, Asuka, Kaji and >Misato - drinking coffee and trying not to seem too awkward. REBECCA: Mission impossible time. >Finally Kaji leaned back in his chair and said conversationally, TSUNEO : ...and that's how I became Ms. Stingray's new mechanic, you? > "So, Misato - you have a boyfriend?" GOUKA : Oh, heavens no! I've been dating Doctor Akagi. > "That's none of your damn business, Kaji," she snapped, >refusing even to look at him. REBECCA: That's a no, then. TSUNEO: I didn't say that! > Kaji smiled the kind of smile a man gets when he feels his >question's been answered, then turned to DJ, who sat next to him. SANDARA: Okay, so Ben's amped Ritsuko's icy demeanor and Kaji's smooth... >"So. I understand you're living with Katsuragi here, kid?" GOUKA : Yeah, she helps keep my bed warm at night, *if* youknowwhatImean. > "Yeah, that's right," DJ replied, having a sip of his tea and >trying not to grimace. German sailors, he noted to himself, are not >the world's most talented brewers of tea. REBECCA: Gasp! An evil Nazi plot to inconvenience DJ! The horror! > "So tell me," Kaji said with a grin, "is she still an animal >in bed?" GOUKA : Yes. A tree sloth. REBECCA [sighs]: The part of Ryoji Kaji will be played by Andrew Dice Clay... > Asuka turned sheet-white and gasped, freezing in a look of >total disbelief. Misato did likewise, then slowly turned brick red >before slamming her fists down on the table, coming halfway out of her >chair and shouting, > "Just what the hell are you implying?!" TSUNEO : "Koo Koo Katchoo, Mrs Robinson?" GOUKA: ... my, Hutchins' version of Misato is even dimmer than the original version. Impressive, that. > Ignoring her, Kaji continued to DJ, "Has she changed since I >last saw her, Mr. Croft?" TSUNEO: No reason to follow the original script mind you. It doesn't make Kaji look like enough of a jerk. > DJ shrugged, the picture of nonchalance, and sipped his tea >again. SANDARA [dramatically] He sipped the tea... ALL [ala the Bond Theme]: DA DUN DA *DUUUNNN!* >"I don't know, do I?" he replied. "I don't know when you last >saw her, to say nothing of what sort of animal you mean. GOUKA : I mean, I've no *idea* how orangutans or wombats have sex. >She doesn't >bark like a seal and balance a ball on her nose, if that's what you >mean." REBECCA : Okay, you're obviously new to the "witty retort" shtick, so I'll let that pass. > Misato's glare changed to shock and then mild amusement as >Ryoji's grin disintegrated into utter consternation. GOUKA: Whoa-ho! Fiber, Kaji. More fiber. TSUNEO: I'm being compared to circus animals, and I like it! Drag me through the mud some more, DJ! >He'd been hoping >to fluster the kid as much as Misato, after all; instead he'd got that >completely incomprehensible answer. REBECCA: That's not a completely incomprehensible answer! A suffusion of yellow maybe... >Then she burst out laughing, and >kept it up until Ryoji had, with mumbled statements about vague duties >calling, beaten an ignominious retreat. TSUNEO : Right! I'll come in again, start this from the top. >Asuka followed him, closing the door behind her. GOUKA : And don't come back until *you* can act like an oblivious gimp, too! > Then she let out a deep and heartfelt sigh and slumped, face >in hands, elbows on table. > "I'm in Hell," she mumbled. REBECCA: Hey, Rhode Island can't be that bad. > "There, there, my love," said DJ, patting her head. "I'll >protect you from nasty old Mr. Kaji." SANDARA: You and your manly, husky frame there, DJ? > "Fine start you've made," she replied. GOUKA : Yes, wasn't it? You can marvel at my wit whenever the mood strikes you, you know. > "Got him to leave, didn't I?" said DJ. TSUNEO : Nah, that was just from your breath. > "So," said Kaji to Asuka as they stood by the rail on one of >the island's upper levels. "What did you think of the Fifth Child?" REBECCA: Delicious! > "I think he's an idiot," Asuka replied flatly. GOUKA: See? The only sensible character in the entire cast. > "Mm," Kaji replied. "And yet his synchronization ratio with >Unit 01 in his first combat reached point-eight-seven to one." > Asuka's eyes widened. "Impossible." TSUNEO: Especially considering that his mum's still alive. REBECCA: Now I'm beginning to think that Lara isn't telling him everything. > "Read the reports," Kaji replied, shrugging. "The kid's a >natural-born fighter. GOUKA : I mean, he's even got pixilated naughty bits! REBECCA: What is your obsession with DJ's "naughty bits" anyway? GOUKA: Oh, I just like "naughty bits" as a concept, really... >Synced with EVA-01 - the Nine-Zero System - TSUNEO: [Bored] Zero-nine system. >and >took out the Third Angel in his very first outing at the controls. No >training, no sim time, no preparation." > "Hmph," Asuka said, her momentary awe flickering and dying. >"He's still an idiot." REBECCA: I mean, he can't even plagarise properly. TSUNEO [grins]: That's my girl! > A bit later, as Misato and DJ rode an inordinately >long-seeming escalator back toward deck level, DJ observed, "I get the >impression you and Slicko have, er, met before." SANDARA: "Slicko"? That sounds like a kid's show side kick. GOUKA: Dr Pullring and Slicko's Wacky Saturday Revue! > Misato scowled, her eyebrows threatening to meet. "He went to >college with Ritsuko and me," she replied. "And he hasn't changed at >all, the big jerk." SANDARA : He made fun of me in gym class. He called me "Muffin Butt". TSUNEO: None of which explains why you two... REBECCA: Oh, shut up. > "-Are- you still an animal in bed?" > "Don't -you- start with me now!" Misato snapped. REBECCA: When *can* I start with you? > "Sorry," DJ replied. "Makes me curious, is all. The last >thing I need is for you to meet some bloke you decide you like, bring >him home and keep me awake all bloody night," he added with his >father's grin. GOUKA : So you can never have sex ever again while I'm in the house. That's not an inconvenience, is it? REBECCA : Here, DJ, let me give you an scenic tour of the depth charge bays... > Misato's annoyance, as it generally did in the face of that >grin, melted, and she managed a wan grin of her own. TSUNEO: He's ruining my life, and I love it! REBECCA: Say DJ, how far can you swim? >"I wouldn't >know, kid," she replied wistfully. "It's been too damn long since I >met anybody special." REBECCA: Apart from Jon. He's special. TSUNEO: DJ Croft, Fifth Child *and* therapist. > "Well, at least you haven't lowered your standards," said DJ. GOUKA : Because you certainly were never involved with Kaji or anything, right? You're too good and pure for that, right? > "Hey! Mr. Fifth Child!" a voice called from the top of the >escalator. DJ looked up; standing at the ever-approaching top was >Asuka Langley, glaring down at him almost defiantly. SANDARA : You *will* bow down before me! > "Yeah?" DJ replied. > "Come with me," Asuka said. "I want to show you something." GOUKA: Young Asuka promptly dragged DJ to the railing, pointed down at the ocean, and informed him that *that* was where the fish lived. > Stepping off the top of the escalator, DJ protested, "A bit >ago you didn't want me looking at -anything-." > Behind him, he heard Misato stifle a laugh as Asuka growled, >"Don't make me hurt you." REBECCA: Wow, the reparte, it's so almost Moonlighting! GOUKA: It's so almost *Hudson Hawk*... > They caught a launch to one of the other ships in the fleet, a >large freighter, whereon Asuka lifted up the corner of the massive >tarp lashed over the big open hatch to the forward hold and gestured >expansively. > "There!" she said. "What do you think of -that-?" TSUNEO : Behold! My "Captain Carrot" comic collection! > DJ looked. "Nice color," he said. GOUKA : Gunmetal grey is a rather nice shade, and... why is that thing pointing at me, Asuka? >"Bit flashy, but who am I >to talk? Some genius painted mine purple and green on me." REBECCA: DJ, you're so cruel. Scrapper spent all night on that. > Missing the reference entirely and not caring a bit, Asuka >replied, "The color's not the only difference." REBECCA: ...Dang it, Ben's riffing for us again. TSUNEO: That's getting annoying. GOUKA : *My* Eva's bigger than yours, too! And more powerful! >She climbed down a >ladder into the hold, beckoning DJ to join her, and they stood on a >pontoon catwalk that floated in the suspension fluid next to the >Evangelion which lay face-down in said liquid, the highest points of >its back and spinal ridge protruding from the surface. SANDARA: Two more minutes and it gets its Beginner's Level swimming award. > "See, your EVA and Ayanami's are early models built as part of >the development process - 01 is the test type and 00 the prototype. >Neither one was really intended for combat. TSUNEO : Doing alright so far... REBECCA : Are you interrupting my soliloquy!? WA-TAK! [baps Tsuneo about] TSUNEO: Ow... >But this is Unit 02, the >production model. This one was built with combat in mind, and >incorporates all the lessons learned from the -mistakes- in 00 and >01. This is the world's first -real- Evangelion!" GOUKA : Oh, and it's got Gundanium armor and it can form a Blazing Sword whenever I tell it to! Hah! > "I hate to burst your bubble here," DJ pointed out, "but Unit >03 has been operational for several weeks." TSUNEO: So she'd know about it, and wouldn't brag in the same way, would she? REBECCA: Now remember, the characters stick to the original script when it's completely innapropriate and go wildly off whenever it might make DJ look bad. > "Sure, and both times it's been shot up and rescued. TSUNEO: Good comeback. >I hear >it didn't even sync right with its pilot the first time out, which >means either he did something wrong, or it did. I'm not very >impressed with Ellison's record." GOUKA: Hey, cut him some slack. It's hard to look cool when your plot function is "Guy Who's Not As Tough As DJ." SANDARA: And sadly, he's already had his Scene of the Episode... > "He's been dealt some bad hands," DJ replied. GOUKA : Really got mana jacked. >"The first time >he had sync problems because he had lousy prep time, and the second, >the gantry failed to release his unit. Made him a sitting duck. >Hardly his fault." REBECCA : Look, it's not *his* fault I got allocated all the plot devices in the script... > "Oh, and I suppose it was just -luck- that you synchronized >with EVA-01 in your very first time in an entry plug, and went on to >beat the Third Angel?" TSUENO: She's got you there, Mr. Cool. > "More or less," said DJ, nodding. "Almost got my bloody head >handed to me before I got everything sorted, you should watch the >tapes of the first five minutes of the battle if you want a good idea >how not to fight an Angel." GOUKA : So, in conclusion... uhm... I seem to have made a stunning argument in support of the fact that I suck. [Everyone else applauds] > "They're impressed with your skills because the other two >Worcester-3 pilots are worse than you, not because you're good," Asuka >insisted. REBECCA: That's it, Asuka! Lay the law down! TSUNEO: Despite the fact that they've got no idea of Rei's combat abilities. >"I've read your record, you know. REBECCA: And I must say - Pink with little blue bears? >I scored twenty points >higher than you on the intelligence tests alone - once I get there >I'm going to show NERV some -real- piloting." REBECCA: Did I also mention that I have the highest Kobayashi-Maru time on record? > "Good," DJ replied. GOUKA : You can do all that buggery 'work' rubbish, I'll just sit back and luck my way through things. >"Then I can piss off back to England and >let you save the bloody world." REBECCA: Is that a promise, DJ? Pleeease? TSUNEO: Our hero, ladies and gents. > Asuka would have retorted, but just then, the ship shook. >"What the - ?!" she said, realizing even as she voiced the question >what the answer was. REBECCA: The Beatles! > "Undersea shock wave of some kind," DJ observed, TSUNEO: Or it could just be something hitting the ship. >heading back >up the ladder to deck level and heading for the forward rail. Asuka >was right on his heels, and they arrived at the rail to see... well, >-something- attacking the ships in the outer perimeter of the battle >group. TSUNEO : I like to be... under the sea... GOUKA: Whamon, *NO*! SANDARA: SIGMUND! NOOOOoooo.... [SANDARA and GOUKA pause again. SANDARA sinks into the couch and sulks] REBECCA: ...Is there something about you two we should know? GOUKA: Come on, kitten! Isn't it fun to share a brain? SANDARA: [quietly, annoyed] Just... shush, all of you. >As they watched, a destroyer was struck from below by >something speeding just below water level; its keel split in two, the >ship broke in half and foundered almost instantly. The next one in line >suffered the same fate. GOUKA : Ah, needed more iron in my diet, thank you! REBECCA: And for this episode, the role of Ghagiel will be played by James Doohan. Thank you. >It reminded DJ of the descriptions given >in Verne's "Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea" of the Nautilus's >attacks on surface ships. GOUKA: Not that people were dying hideous waterlogged deaths or anything depressing like that, no sir! TSUNEO : Damn you, Gargoyle! SANDARA: Now that's ob- > "Either a deranged genius with a nuclear submarine is >attacking the fleet," he observed, "or that's an Angel." SANDARA: -scure... REBECCA [sighs]: Sod this, Ben's riffing for us, no need for us to do it. GOUKA: So... what now? TSUNEO: Well, to answer that eternal question: What's on RAW? GOUKA: Why let's find out. [TSUNEO clicks the remote and changes from NXE... to a floor level shot of Rikishi grinding a stunned X-Pac into the turnbuckle with his massive hinder.] GOUKA [aghast]: YAAAH! [vanishes in a fiery BAMF!] SANDARA [repulsed] EEEEE! [dives behind the couch] REBECCA: YAHOO! TSUNEO: ... REBECCA : Mah Gawd, the jello... TSUNEO: Well, that answers that question [promptly blips back to NXE] [SANDARA and GOUKA peek up behind the couch] SANDARA [frightened]: Is it gone? REBECCA: Yes, hon, it is. [SANDARA edges back around and sits down.] GOUKA [circles back up to the seat]: Had an overall *positive* view of the male form before that, I'll have you know... > "An Angel?!" Asuka echoed. "A real one?" TSUNEO: Prepare to be touched by an Angel in a very painful way! > "I think so," DJ replied. He pushed back his sleeve and >flicked his watch's comm function on, raising not Hal, but the other >HALcomm watch in the area - the one he'd given to Misato. REBECCA: [whistles the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers tune] GOUKA: As always, 14-year-olds are left in charge of all vital communications functions in NERV. > "What are you doing?" Asuka demanded. TSUNEO: I'm demonstrating my superiority through use of a little gizmo *I* invented to fulfil the vital communications role. > "Calling Misato," DJ replied. TSUNEO: ...that too. > "I'm sure she's aware of the situation," said Asuka, REBECCA: But... I want to show off! >"and there's no time for that. Come with me." > Shrugging, DJ shut off the watch and followed her toward a >stairwell. "Whatever you say... " GOUKA : It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine. > "Well, Major Katsuragi," Admiral Keller observed, giving >Misato the impromptu promotion traditional in naval circles for >visiting ground-force officers holding the rank of captain. TSUNEO: Thanks again, Ben. Once again, you have enriched my life. >"It >appears your philosophy of preparing for eventualities may come in >handy after all. TSUNEO : We shall call in Commander Rocky Jones right away! >First, though, I'd like to try handling this my >way. Just so I don't feel totally useless, you understand." GOUKA : So, just wait a few minutes on doing something useful while I sacrifice some valuable time and innocent lives to appease my ego, alright? REBECCA: Franz Keller is... Incompetent American Admiral! TSUNEO: He's German. REBECCA: Stop stealing my thunder. > Misato wasn't sure if the old man was serious or not, REBECCA: About as serious as anyone on the bridge of a naval vessel wearing white shorts could be. >but her >pause to think it over gave him time to pick up a microphone and bark >attack orders in German to the fleet. SANDARA : Job away, Wolfgang. GOUKA : Go forth! Waste ammunition! MACH SCHNELL! > DJ hung around the entrance to the stairwell for a minute or >so, whistling "Beyond the Sea" and watching the underwater Angel >zooming around the fleet. REBECCA : WHEEEE! >The ships of the fleet were unloading >everything they could find at it - battleship bombardments, cruise >missiles, torpedoes, depth charges - but to no avail. GOUKA: They really upgraded the hell out of the Grandis' tank, didn't they? SANDARA : I call her *Catherine*... >Conventional >firepower, as always, was proving useless against the Absolute Terror >Field. TSUNEO: It's up to the Plot Contrivance Field to finish the job. > The door clunked; GOUKA: SKWEEEEEKrrkkkweequeRUNK--wheeet!whio thud REBECCA: ...Don't ever do that again. >DJ turned to see Asuka, changed from her >yellow dress to a bright red plug suit. TSUNEO: Britney's ready for her video there, I see. > "Nice outfit," DJ observed dryly. "What're you supposed to >be? 'Hot Stuff, the Irksome Little Devil'?" [Rebecca shudders reflexively] GOUKA: He's risking summoning the vengeful spirit of Casper with those words. TSUNEO [snickers]: "Casper: Spirit of Vengence" REBECCA: Go on Asuka. Obliterate him. You know you want to. >He ducked a slap and >followed her down into the hold where the red EVA lay dormant. On the >pontoon bridge, she knelt briefly, rummaged around in the duffel bag, >and then handed him a second red plug suit. REBECCA: Ye Gods, DJ Croft in drag! ALL: GYAH! > "Here, put this on," she commanded. GOUKA : Alright, but only if you give me something to stuff the cups with. I *won't* go out there with people thinking that I don't have a full figure! > "Thank you, no," DJ replied, removing his overcoat and suit >jacket and loosening his striped tie, then unbuttoning his shirt to >reveal the dark green and black of his own. "I'm dressed for the >occasion. TSUNEO : This looks like a job... for WEENIEMAN! SANDARA: ...So he wears his plugsuit under his civies. GOUKA: It makes him feel pretty. REBECCA: DJ just has this thing for rubber underwear. Full-body rubber underwear. SANDARA: I guess *so*... TSUNEO: Which is precisely why he was never described as wearing lime-green rubber gloves all day. REBECCA: Of course, this only happened so DJ wouldn't have to suffer the humilition of being in drag. Bad things can never happen to DJ. >I suppose it'd be futile to ask you to reconsider this >decision?" REBECCA : So I don't have to take responsibility for not stopping you, right? TSUNEO: ...Of course, wearing a plugsuit under your normal clothes all day would be incredibly uncomfortable. > "I'll get permission once I've defeated the Angel," Asuka >replied confidently as DJ got out of his clothes, folded them neatly, >and packed them into the bag. > "Is this bag waterproof?" he asked. GOUKA : Of course! And in case the ship sinks we'll run a bloody salvage mission to reclaim my 55.95 polyester sundress... CROFT, HOW THE BLOODY HELL DOES IT MATTER? TSUNEO: ...I mean it would get all hot and sticky, and smell like you wouldn't believe. And if you needed to- REBECCA: Tsuneo, shut up. TSUNEO: Sorry. That one gets me. > "I hope so, it's got my favorite dress in it," Asuka replied, >shouldering the bag and leading him to EVA-02's extended and open >entry plug. REBECCA: So, she fancies herself as this uber EVA pilot, right? TSUNEO: Yeah. REBECCA: And she's letting another person ride with her. TSUNEO: ...yes, she is. REBECCA: She doesn't know this'll screw up the sync rate? TSUNEO: No, she doesn't. GOUKA: Hey, it's an excuse for DJ to bail them out at the last minute. > "Why, exactly, are you taking me with you on this expedition?" >DJ wondered. SANDARA : ... you know, I have absolutely *no* idea. > "So you can have the best seat in the house as I demonstrate >my superior piloting to Misato and the others," she said smugly. > "Oh. Well, it's nice to feel wanted," DJ observed. TSUNEO : Ahem... this is what's known as "hubris". Thank you and good night. > "This is useless," Misato observed, watching the fleet flail >ineffectually at the Angel with their conventional weapons. GOUKA: Then why the bloody hell did you let him *do* it? REBECCA: Because it's following the original script to the point where DJ saves them all. >"This >kind of firepower won't even scratch that thing's AT Field." > "Reluctantly, I'm beginning to agree with you," Keller >observed. GOUKA: So exactly *why* did you open fire in the first place?! REBECCA: To make their compensating autocannons seem useful. TSUNEO: And to job to Gaghiel. SANDARA: At least in the original he did it out of bloody-minded determination, here he just does it out of stupid pride. >"Very well. Mueller, order the Freitag to prepare EVA-02 >for launch." SANDARA : Gunther, Scooter, Strudel... ready for action! > "Sir, a telex from the Freitag just came in - EVA-02 is >already powering up!" Commander Mueller reported. > Keller directed a bemused glance at Misato, who grinned. "Way >to go, Asuka," she muttered. REBECCA : That's my sociopath! GOUKA: Look at it this way, at least Asuka's in character so far. > DJ wasn't fluent in German, REBECCA: He knew enough to purchase leiderhosen, though. TSUNEO: You know, given his hobby of wearing rubber underwear all day, I don't want to know what else is in his closet. >but he'd picked up enough of it in >travels on the Continent to catch the general gist of the German >litany Asuka was going through; it was basically the German equivalent >of the things he had to report when activating Unit 01. She was >probably murmuring them under her breath out of force of habit. GOUKA: L-Sama knows the bloody things weren't *important* or anything. TSUNEO : Achtung, baby. REBECCA : Watch me rock! > The screens began to shift around them as synchronization >began; then they stopped, an alarm sounded, and all the displays >shifted to a tiled flashing pattern of the word "FEHLER" - "ERROR" - >in block red capitals. TSUNEO: Windows has detected an Obnoxious Brat Error in module EVA02.EXE. > "Hell of a time for a page fault," DJ observed. REBECCA : Damn backseat drivers. Hate 'em. TSUNEO: Does he ever shut up? > "Thought noise. I told you not to distract me!" Asuka >snapped. "You're thinking in English, aren't you? Think in German!" SANDARA: Gee, maybe you shouldn't have *brought him on board!* > "I don't know German well enough to think in it," DJ replied. >"How about if you think in Latin?" > "What?" > "Don't know Latin? How about ancient Greek?" GOUKA: And while DJ amused himself by squabbling with Asuka, the Angel kept right on spilling innocent blood and drawing ever-closer to the powerless and inoperable EVA that he himself was riding in. And does this bother Mr. Croft? Why, not at all! > "Skip it! Computer, reset the language interpreter for >English." REBECCA : Tu as a la biblioteque heir soir! TSUNEO : No speakee English, only Canadian! > Obediently, the onboard system did as instructed, and >synchronization completed. Even though he was not piloting, DJ could >feel a faint quiver at the back of his mind, an echo of the kind of >feeling he got when he was clicking with Unit 01. REBECCA: Not unlike drinking too many wine coolers. GOUKA: It was a dirty, naughty feeling, a feeling that never failed to make his nether regions tingle. > "Asuka, are you there? Are you ready for launch?" Misato >called into the microphone. > "Synchronized and ready," Asuka's voice replied. Misato >grinned and looked to Admiral Keller; looking faintly pained, the old >man nodded. SANDARA : I am full of shame and pudding. > "Go!" Misato cried. GOUKA: Nyto Seibahs... SANJO! > "Evangelion Unit 02 - launch!" Asuka ordered, and the red >machine heaved itself to its feet, head and shoulders tearing through >the tarpaulin as it raised itself out of the open hatchway. TSUENO : The T-Rex is loose! RUN! > To one side, the familiar clock display of battery power >appeared, but to DJ's consternation, it started counting at 1:00.00. REBECCA : Round 1: FIGHT! > "Only one minute of battery power?" he inquired. GOUKA : Quick, how can I waste it and endanger the lives of innocent bystanders? > "The test type's five-minute batteries were deemed a >superfluous waste of tonnage," Asuka replied. "They slow the unit >down." TSUNEO: No, that's five minutes standard power, one minute full power. But you'd know that, if you'd actually *paid* *attention.* REBECCA: Settle, Tsuneo. Settle. > "Not half as much as running out of bloody power," DJ said. SANDARA: Eh, just run EVA-02 through CLULESS. That'll fix the problem. REBECCA: I'm not sure SHODAN is compatible with CLULESS. Better call a sysop. > "Here comes the Angel," said Asuka. "Hang on!" > With a mighty leap, EVA-02 hurled itself from the hold of the >Freitag moments before the speeding Angel knifed through her and sent >her to the bottom. TSUNEO: Super Fujisawa... JUMP! > "Hey!" Asuka cried. "Watch where you're putting your hands." > "I -am-." > ... > > "All right, I deserved that." REBECCA: Suddenly, it's a flippin' episode of Ranma. GOUKA: ...or Tenchi Muyo, or Lum, or any other Love Polygon series... > "Uh, Major Katsuragi," said Commander Mueller. "Were you >aware that EVA-02 was shipped with Type B equipment fitted?" > "Type B?!" Misato replied, aghast. SANDARA : No! EVA-02 will live longer and suffer less from the ill effects of stress! TSUNEO [gasps]: Not Type B Equipment!... [normal] what's type B equipment again? > Aboard EVA-02, overhearing, DJ cast a dubious eye toward the >water speeding up below and said, "Great, so if we fall in the sea, >we've had it." > "And if we don't, we'll be fine, right?" Asuka replied. GOUKA : I can just use the Konami code to get infinite lives! TSUNEO: Kinda like the video games where the armed and dangerous super soldier automatically dies if you fall into three foot of water. >The >EVA crashed down on the fantail deck of a destroyer, smashing flat the >rescue helicopter moored there, REBECCA: So much for their ride home. >then leaped again, hurling away the >tarp that had settled around its shoulders like a robe, to land atop >the superstructure of a cruiser, wrecking its radar entirely. GOUKA: Tonight's Episode: No Need For Property Damage. REBECCA: She could apply for 3WA easily. GOUKA: Yeah! Then ReRob could have a Lovely Angel to play with too! TSUNEO: Give him Shasti. That ought to be amusing. > "Better get that power supply ready, Misato," called Asuka, >"'cause we're coming in!" > > Below decks aboard the Deutschland, Ryoji Kaji was, of all >things, on the phone. TSUNEO : Sylia? Hi. You kinda called at a bad time... > "You never told me I might run into an Angel out here," he >grumbled. REBECCA: Stuff happens. Deal. > "An eventuality that was planned for," replied the voice of >Gendou Ikari. "That's why EVA-02 is there. I was even kind enough to >send you an extra pilot if you need him." SANDARA : Why, honey, you shouldn't have! > "Your best, so I've been told." GOUKA : ... look, that's just a vicious rumor! > "Perhaps, but also the least important to the project as a >whole." TSUNEO: Just like we've always known, DJ's expendable! > "I'm touched." > "If need be, you can always make your escape," Ikari pointed >out. > "True," Ryoji replied. REBECCA : I'll exit! Stage left, even! > "You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Kaji," Ikari said. "There's >a bit of trouble I have to deal with on this end. GOUKA : My ice cream is melting. Gotta go. >Nothing major, I'm >sure, but Dr. Akagi thinks it worth my attention." REBECCA: We were in a *meeting* when you called. Sort of *grappling* with important issues. > "Oh, by all means," Kaji replied. "See you soon." REBECCA: Lucky thing, how come I don't get any? > Ikari disconnected without saying goodbye. SANDARA : We never talk anymore... GOUKA: It was then that Kaji knew that Gendo *had* to be seeing another woman. > Setting his phone down, Ikari looked up from his desk to the >worried face of Dr. Ritsuko Akagi. REBECCA: What? It's never done that before. > "Now then, Dr. Akagi. What is it?" > "We have a problem, sir," Ritsuko replied. "Take a look at >security monitor three." GOUKA : ... bogarting from NERV's Slurpee machine. This cannot go unpunished. > Ikari tapped a command to the computer console built into his >desk, and a display screen glowed to life under its glassy surface. TSUNEO: Hey, Gendo, Largo wants his desk back. >It displayed the view from a security camera overlooking one of the >guard stations at one of the entrances to Central Dogma. GOUKA: He promptly wondered who "Ruby" was, and why someone had felt the need to spraypaint an announcement that one should call her for a good time on the bulkhead. > Standing at that station, engaged in what appeared to be, even >without audio, a lively argument with the guard, was a woman in a >white sleeveless top, safari shorts, and hiking boots, her long brown >hair tied back in a braid. GOUKA : Oh good! Relic Hunter's on! >She was very beautiful, SANDARA: Doing very well for a mother in her fourties at least. REBECCA: Cosmetic surgery? TSUNEO: Artificial preservatives. >and very angry, >and very surprising to see in this context TSUNEO: Especially since there's no concievable way she could know about NERV and such. REBECCA: Hey, her son knows everything. He knows about NERV. He's even heard of the Thrashing Gonberts. >- for until just that >moment, Gendou Ikari had believed Lara Croft to be dead. GOUKA: After all, her game franchise certainly is. > He covered his surprise well, though, turning to Ritsuko and >and only saying mildly, "Deal with her." > "How?" Ritsuko replied. REBECCA : Hmmm... something involving pudding... GOUKA: Don't jinx it. > "Go and have the guard let her in," Ikari replied. "Take her >to the commissary, buy her some lunch if she's hungry. TSUNEO : Smile, buy her a beer. >Tell her the >truth - the boy isn't here and she can see him when he gets back." GOUKA : Oh, and be sure to take quarters, just in case she wants anything from the juice machine. REBECCA: So if Gendo is so ruthless as to leave her for dead, why not just wipe her out now? > At that moment, DJ was hanging onto the sides of the command >seat in EVA-02 for dear life REBECCA: His smoothness factor is dropping. TSUNEO: Now I know what the rubber underwear is for. Messy. >as the machine came crashing down on the >deck of the aircraft carrier Deutschland, causing the mighty carrier >to list almost ten degrees to port and dumping several unmoored planes >off the side before Asuka shifted the EVA's weight and balanced it. SANDARA : SORRY!... GOUKA: I'm moderately surprised that Hutchins didn't opt to have EVA-02 act out an amusing 'log rolling' sequence on the Deutschland. > "Shifting to external power," Asuka reported, picking up the >power tap that had been laid out on the deck and plugging it into the >socket on the EVA's back. > "Grand," DJ observed. "We're sitting ducks with useless >equipment and no weapons, but at least we've plenty of electricity." TSUNEO: You know, I understand a person's desire to yell back at the screen when something stupid is happening, but going about it by creating a character who sits in the middle of said scene and whines during the bloody battle scenes isn't a terribly effective way to go about it. > "No weapons? We've got the Progressive Knife," Asuka replied, GOUKA : Oh she's got a *great knife*! SANDARA : No, I don't need a rocket launcher. >deploying same and adopting a ready stance, facing the plume of spray >that marked the position of the approaching Angel. "It'll have to be >enough." REBECCA: *I* actually bothered to train with this weapon. TSUNEO: Shut up. REBECCA: *I* don't need to rely on bigger or sharper implememnts. TSUNEO: Shut up. > "You are completely insane," DJ remarked, regarding her with >some respect. "I think I like you." GOUKA: Cute couple, actually, too bad they're about to die. REBECCA: Why, taking out an Angel with a mere Progressive Knife is a breathtaking task indeed! It's only the weapon they used to kill most of the things in the television series... > With a crash, the great white Angel heaved its whale-like bulk REBECCA: Whiiite Angel! I see a white Angel! >out of the water and smashed down on the deck, almost capsizing the >massive aircraft carrier; SANDARA: Oh ya, that's a keeper! TSUNEO: They say them Gaghiels is good eatin'. >thrown off-balance, EVA-02 tumbled >overboard, the Progressive Knife spiraling uselessly away, to sink to >the bottom and become a particularly interesting marine-life habitat. REBECCA: It's not just a fanfic, it's a biology lecture! SANDARA : Oh no, mon, those humans and their big big machines are at it again, Lord Triton! >On its way down, the EVA grabbed at the edge of the flight deck, >trying to find a purchase, REBECCA: 30% Off Plot Devices, today only! >but its hand closed only around a jet >fighter parked on the deck, crumpling it and pulling it overboard >along with the falling EVA. TSUNEO: My customized Veritech! Noo! > Its quarry gone, the Angel showed no more interest in the >Deutschland; it slipped wetly off the deck and back into the sea, >pursuing the sinking Evangelion instead. SANDARA : Hey fella, I'm looking for the N-Nautilus. Big honking stealth sub that flies. Can ya help me? > "Well!" observed DJ as the EVA sank ineffectually toward the >bottom of the Atlantic. "You certainly showed -him- who's in charge." TSUNEO: Can he do anything here but whine? > "Oh yeah?" Asuka replied. "Watch this!" GOUKA : We'll use their own secret weapon against them! Play *Handel* at it! >She thrust the hand >controls forward. The EVA responded by doing entirely nothing. > "Watch -what-?" DJ inquired. SANDARA : Heh... haven't worked out all the kinks yet... REBECCA: Watch Empire Strikes Back again for the *original* dialogue. > "I think we're in trouble," Asuka muttered. > "You did remember that Type B equipment doesn't work >underwater, right?" GOUKA: Of course not! You know you're the only character who's allowed to read the scripts in advance, DJ. > "We're in trouble!" Asuka confirmed, tugging uselessly at the >controls. "Don't just sit there, -do- something!" REBECCA: Sing like Ringo Starr, anything! [The others shudder.] > "Like what?" > "You're the great and powerful Fifth Child, aren't you? TSUNEO: Oh well, now Asuka's kissing up to him. I suppose it'd be inevitable. >Do something brilliant!" > "I can't change the bloody laws of physics!" DJ retorted. TSUNEO: Yet another thing he didn't get with his Ueber Child Multipower. Tsk tsk. GOUKA [shocked]: What? Then explain the Bullshit Power Beam from the last chapter! > In the NERV commissary at Central Dogma, TSUNEO: We're in breathtaking mortal peril, so we're going to show you... a coffee lounge. SANDARA: What next, some elevator music? >Lara Croft sipped >machine-generated almost-tea and gazed over the paper cup's rim at >Ritsuko Akagi. REBECCA : I specifically asked for my Earl Grey *hot*... GOUKA: Cat fight in ten... nine... > "So what you're telling me," she said, in a dangerously calm >tone, "is that you people lured my son over here under false pretenses, >then all but arrested him, plugged him into an experimental weapon and >threw him into combat without any briefing or training to speak of." TSUNEO : Look, Ms. Croft he gets stock options *and* a dental plan... > Ritsuko shifted uncomfortably under the explorer's even brown >gaze and replied, "I don't know if I'd phrase it quite that way... " SANDARA: She's *allowing* herself to be intimidated by the Lady of the Square Breasts. GOUKA: I don't know why Ritsuko is so uncomfortable. "Brown" means "friendly", right? Now, if her gaze turns *red*, then she's in trouble! > "But that's what happened," Lara finished for her. "Well, you >can be sure the British consulate is going to hear about this. In the >meantime, you can do me the favor of releasing him." REBECCA: [Thoughtful] You know, that might be a *bit* difficult at the moment. > "DJ is not a prisoner here," Ritsuko protested. "He's had the >option of leaving since he arrived, and he knows it. He's chosen to >stay." SANDARA : We have absolutely nothing devious planned here! Really! REBECCA: He says the babes are hot and he doesn't have to put up with that "backwards old hick of a mum..." That would be you, wouldn't it? > Had Lara known of the virtual emotional blackmail that had >been performed to persuade DJ to take EVA-01 into combat the first >time, TSUNEO: Yes, just asking him to save the world on the behalf of a beutiful young girl and all must be so taxing for such an obviously brave and noble person - as he claims to be. >she would have been incensed by that statement; as it was, she >was merely unimpressed, replying dryly, "I'm sure his options were >made -perfectly- clear." GOUKA : In fact, I bet you offered him *benefits*. > "Dr. Croft, we're not the Mafia here, you know," said Ritsuko >indignantly. REBECCA: But I can get you their number. >"We're not in the business of kidnapping children and >forcing them to work for us. TSUNEO: That's Nike's job. SANDARA [turns to Tsuneo]: Now that's harsh... GOUKA: Now, now, he *could've* said something about Wal-Mart and Kathie Lee Gifford... >Now, it happens that DJ possesses a very >rare and very special talent which is critical to the survival of >mankind. REBECCA: It's called smugness, and he's stripped it out of all of us. >You've raised him to be a very responsible young man - REBECCA: It's you we've got to thank for his habit of flipping skirts and acting like a gimp. >it's only natural that, knowing that, he'd want to do his part." TSUNEO : His Absolute Smarm Field is vital to the continuation of this project, you *must* understand that! > "Listen, I don't give a damn about your experiment or your >problems here. REBECCA : You and your benevolent world saving agenda can go to hell! >I just want to tell my son I'm alive and take him home >where he belongs. This is no place for him." > "Our problems are everyone's problems, Dr. Croft. We are the >last line of defense - and the only effective one - against the >Angels. REBECCA [coughs]: Shadows. SANDARA : Actually, the first line of defense got disintegrated by a nuclear explosion and sank into the swamp. TSUNEO : We built it again, but this SDF clone came in and blew it up. Then, it sank into the swamp. ALL: BUT THE THIRD WORCHESTER STAYED UP! >NERV is the only thing standing between the people of Earth >and a Third Impact, or worse, TSUNEO: So... Ritsuko's just out and telling her all the secrets behind NERV and the Angels? >and DJ is an integral part of that defense. We need him here." TSUNEO : We need someone to run the ice cream stand. > "If that were true, you could have just -asked- him to help. >If you had asked, given those conditions, he would have come and I >would have been all for it." Finishing her tea, Lara stood up. GOUKA : And this is the *worst* Nestea I've ever had! >"But you didn't, did you? You're apparently not firm enough in your >convictions to be forthright about it - instead you had to trick him >into coming here. REBECCA [sighs]: Settle in, everyone. The main event's about to start. >I can't, in good conscience, leave my son in the >hands of people who operate that way. GOUKA : DJ only works for nice, friendly, *considerate* secret paramilitary organizations. >It doesn't speak at all well of >your inclination to deal honestly with him or protect him down the >line." TSUNEO: This from the person who dragged him to- > "You are hardly in a position to fault us for placing DJ in >dangerous situations, are you?" Ritsuko retorted, TSUNEO: Oh... Never mind. REBECCA: Score one to Ritsuko. GOUKA: Can he leave *us* to the riffing, please? >coming to her feet and leaning over the table toward Lara. >"Talk about the pot calling the - " > She got no further; her eyes blazing with sudden fury, Lara >lashed out with a neat, compact right hook, knocking Ritsuko to the >floor with a crash. TSUNEO: So, when do they start pulling each other's hair and rolling around? GOUKA: Soon, Tsuneo, soon. TSUNEO: I bloody hope so, there's gotta be a point to this scene... REBECCA: Actually, the point is that since DJ's away, *someone* has to give Ritsuko a good bollocking. >All around them, the hum of lunchroom discussion >stopped; Maya Ibuki and John Trussell, two tables over, stared in mute >astonishment TSUNEO: How do they stay up? It's impossible. REBECCA: Never mind stay up, how do they stay still? >as Ritsuko sat up, rubbing her injured jaw with the back of her hand. > "Thank you, I get quite enough of that from my father," Lara >said tightly, her eyes smoldering. GOUKA : Behold! OPTIC BLAST! >"I don't have to take it from a bloody -kidnapper-." REBECCA: I'm not a kidnapper, I'm a scientist. SANDARA: Next up on Springer, "You kidnapped my son and I want him back." > Summoned by the commotion, two NERV security guards burst into >the commissary; REBECCA: Naturally, the guards only show up after the fight. TSUNEO : 5000 Yen on Ritsuko! GOUKA : No way, dude! Go with the brunette! >seeing Dr. Akagi sprawled on the floor and Lara >standing over her, they immediately drew their sidearms and covered >Lara, calling for her not to move. SANDARA: Look, Lara, *you* made mistakes, *we* made mistakes... > As Ritsuko got unsteadily to her feet, Dr. Gendou Ikari >entered the commissary; with a gesture, he waved the guards away, then >stepped to Ritsuko's side. REBECCA: God, I'm good. Oh, yeah. > "Is there a problem here, ladies?" he inquired calmly. GOUKA : Come on, ladies. There's plenty of Gendo for both of you. REBECCA [snickers]: Is there enough Gendo for *one*? > "This is not an improvement," DJ noted unhappily as the red >EVA was almost swallowed whole by the whale-like Angel, lodging head >and shoulders in its massive jaws. TSUNEO: Oh, if only Aquaman were here! [The others snicker] > "We'll be all right if I can just get us back on the carrier!" >Asuka replied, frantically working the ineffectual controls. GOUKA : They'll work if I press them harder! > "This doesn't look like any carrier to me!" DJ replied, >looking out via the viewpanels at the monster's enormous gullet. > "Don't yell at me," Asuka snapped. SANDARA : Can't you see I'm fragile, dammit?! > "Well, what do you -want- me to do, Motorhead?!" DJ demanded. TSUNEO: For all his alleged coolness, he doesn't handle pressure well. > "Why do you have to be so negative?" Asuka wondered angrily. >"Why can't you offer me some constructive criticism?" GOUKA : Just because I'm about to get you killed is *no* reason to think that you have the right to abuse me emotionally! > "Look! You got us into this bloody whale, my love. You get >us out!" REBECCA : Have to *spoon-feed* these canon characters... Gawd... > Above, on the carrier's deck, Misato watched with worried >fascination as the cable paid out and out and out. "How much cable >left?" she asked the deck officer. GOUKA : Well, we've yet to check HBO or Comedy Central... > "1,500 meters remaining," he replied. > Off to one side, an aircraft elevator delivered a British >Aerospace Harrier V vectored-thrust jet to the flight deck. TSUNEO: Sir, do you have any carry-on baggage? Sir! Do you... >Looking >at it, Misato realized that one of the two men in its two-seat cockpit >was Ryoji Kaji. GOUKA: Suddenly, Misato began issuing prayers to all the gods of Gratuitous Fight Scene Property Destruction... > "Ryoji!" she called into the microphone, uncertain whether to >be pleased or annoyed to see him apparently preparing to render aid. REBECCA: He's in a frigging Harrier. What do you think he can do? > "Well, you seem to have the situation well in hand here, >Katsuragi," said Ryoji over the radio. "So I'll leave you to it! >I've got a delivery to make. Catch you later!" SANDARA : Saving my own ass. Toodles! > He sketched a salute from within the plane as the pilot >applied thrust and lifted away; GOUKA : Oh *GODS* yes! REBECCA: ...umm, damn. >and then they were gone. > Misato shouted a particularly choice obscenity and hurled the >microphone to the deck. Being of solid German manufacture, it did not >break, which only served to make her more angry. TSUNEO : Stupid German props! REBECCA: This is *so* funny. I may kill someone. > "Any ideas?" DJ asked Asuka as the Angel swam in circles, >worrying at the EVA's armored form like a particularly tough piece of >chum. > "No," Asuka admitted after a moment's thought. "You?" > "Maybe." GOUKA : Let's make out! >DJ worked his way back around the seat, ignoring >Asuka's indignant protests, and put his hands on the controls, wincing >a bit as his healing burns stung through bandages and gloves. "Help >me out here; I think with both of us working at it, we can get this >thing to move, even down here." TSUNEO: Did you know that if *two* people steer a vehicle works twice as well? SANDARA: I did not know that. > "Then what?" GOUKA : ... well, I figured killing the Angel or something along those lines would be our next priority, though that's just an estimation. > "Trust me. I wasn't thinking before - we -can- change the >laws of physics." > "What?!" > "What do you think an 'Absolute Terror Field' is -for-?" TSUNEO: Ask Tom Dyron. I'm sure you'll get an amsuing answer. > Asuka scowled. "One of these days you're going to be wrong, >Fifth Child, and I hope like hell I'm there to see it." GOUKA: I'm sure you will, Asuka. And I'm sure Satan will be there as well, buying snowplows. TSUNEO: Do we want to steal any more lines from the Star Wars series? REBECCA: Well, it's a romance as improbable as Han and Leia, so why not? > She cooperated anyway. SANDARA : I have no clue what you're talking about, but I'm impressed nonetheless. > Lara Croft stood on the catwalk in Bay Seven, looking up at >the immense purple bulk of Evangelion Unit 01. GOUKA : Hrmm. Thought Weltall would be taller... REBECCA: I don't like the way that thing looks like it's going to bite. TSUNEO: Lara, this is my wife, Yui. Yui, this is the Silicone Princess. >She'd just come from >Ikari's office, where he'd shown her films of DJ's three combat >sorties and various training exercises; REBECCA: They'd then broken for the intermission, bought overpriced drinks and ran for the toilets. >he'd shown her the EVA her son >piloted, then excused himself, as the other two based at the facility, >a black one and a blue-and-white one, entered the cage and backed into >their respective lockdown bays. SANDARA : Sorry, but if I don't remind them those kids *never* put the blasted sun shades up inside the windshield. > The entry plugs ejected, LCL evacuated, and the two pilots >emerged; even from the distance she was at, Lara could tell that they >were just children themselves, probably no older than DJ. TSUNEO : Hi. We're the other characters of the story. You? REBECCA: I thought Jon looked like he was eighteen. > They use children to pilot all of these things? What kind of >people are they? she wondered. GOUKA: Poorly characterized ones, dear. Just like you! TSUNEO: Lara Croft has a character? REBECCA: Yeah, two of 'em. > She turned away and left the bay, wandering the corridors for >a while before ending up in a curiously shaped lounge. GOUKA: The explorer and tomb raider is caught off guard... REBECCA: By an oddly shaped lounge? >It occupied >the space between the corners of two wings that didn't quite form an L >shape, and as such had the feeling of having been added as an >afterthought (which, in fact, it had). SANDARA: Thank you, Magic Voice! VOICE: What was that? TSUNEO: Nothing, Voice GOUKA: ... Hutchins, you didn't. Tell me you bloody well *didn't*. >Because of its shape, its >resemblance to a similar structure on the WPI campus topside, and the >way it seemed to have been wedged into the gap between the Infirmary >and Operations wings, most of the NERV personnel who frequented it >called it "the Wedge". [General groaning and sighs.] GOUKA: ... bloody hell. Settle in, everyone, DJ's going to come along toting Kei and Yuri on either arm and piloting a Garland any moment now... REBECCA: Let's just hope we don't get a return performance of the WedgeZord, okay? > As she sat in one of the not-overwhelmingly-comfortable >booths, considering all she had seen and heard about today, she >noticed two people entering the lounge. TSUNEO: Oh no... on-campus solicitors! GOUKA : Ma'am, have you considered a new long distance company for your stay at Whoopie Tech? >Looking up, she saw that they >were the two children she'd seen getting out of the other EVAs a few >minutes before, dressed in street clothes, their hair damp from a >quick shower. REBECCA: She quickly elbowed pfloyd and asked him to give her their names so she could invite them to a gweeping session. > They were, Lara saw as they approached, a boy and a girl. SANDARA: One of each flavor. >The >girl was small, pale and delicate, with disconcertingly red eyes and >light blue hair; she wore a blue skirt and white blouse that almost >looked like a uniform. TSUNEO: Right, so with no reason to wear a school uniform, Rei goes around wearing a school uniform. Makes sense to me. >The boy was taller, older-looking, with long >black hair and bright green eyes; he had on jeans, loafers and a WPI >sweatshirt. REBECCA: Campus tour guides... OF THE FUTURE! GOUKA: He had, only incidentally, recently returned from sending his Evangelion in combat against the forces of John Coyle and Knights of the STRAIGHT and Narrow Path. REBECCA: And remember folks, mass murder is OK if they're all homophobes. > It was at about that moment that they seemed to take notice of >her, and blinked, apparently in recognition. TSUNEO: Hey, isn't that the woman in all of DJ's porno mags? > "Dr. Croft?" the boy asked as they stepped closer. > Lara glanced up. "Yes?" REBECCA: What are you a doctor of, anyway? > "Hello," the boy said, smiling slightly. "I'm Jon Ellison." > "Rei Ayanami," the girl added softly. > "We're... friends of DJ's," Jon said. REBECCA: Note the pause, people. TSUNEO: We hate him, but we have to live with him. SANDARA: Oh, I know the feeling. > Lara nodded. "I saw you earlier. You do the same thing he >does?" GOUKA : Naw, I was promoted to fries a few weeks ago. SANDARA : And I'm in this new waitress program called Variable Geo... > "Yes," Rei answered simply. > Lara gestured to the booth. "Have a seat." Jon and Rei sat. GOUKA: Then they rolled over and played dead. >"Your boss, what's his name, Ikari - he tells me DJ's here willingly. >Is it true?" > Rei was silent for a moment. Jon glanced over and was just >about to speak when she finally said, "... He is now." TSUNEO : After certain... re-education procedures were implemented. > Lara considered the implications of that statement for a >moment, clearly getting more and more agitated as she thought about >it; then she burst out, REBECCA: Lara Croft and "burst out" sound so wrong together. >"What kind of a life is it, though? Where >does he live? Is he alone? Does he -have- a life outside of... of >-this-?" she asked, gesturing at the room and the headquarters beyond >in general. GOUKA : Well, he lives with an older woman and makes us go to sleazy Mexican restaurants... REBECCA: Is he wearing clean underwear? Does he have his teddy bear? Is he eating properly? >"What kind of organization -is- this, that uses children >as its front-line soldiers? Why DJ, why you? I don't bloody >understand anything that goes on here." GOUKA: This is getting Made-for-TV sad here... > "He lives next door to us, with Captain Katsuragi. I think >you'd like her," Jon said, smiling slightly. TSUNEO: Hutchins likes her, so she must be good! >"And I'm sure he does >have a life of his own, but he'd know better than us. REBECCA: It's The Real World goes to Tokyo-3! GOUKA: So... which one's Puck? SANDARA: Truss? >As for why >we're the ones who pilot the EVAs... " He paused for a moment, >glancing at Rei, who looked back at him and nodded silently. TSUNEO: Wonder if she's getting paid extra for this scene. >"Well... >all I really know about that is that apparently we're the only ones >who can. We were all born around nine months after Second Impact. GOUKA : Our parents all decided the end of the world would be a good time to do the horizontal baloney lambada. >I >don't know how it works, I just know that it's true - they -have- to >use us, because children or not, we're the only ones who can make the >EVAs work." > "It's a gift," Rei added. SANDARA : We were hoping to transfer to the Xavier school in the fall. > Lara raised an eyebrow, looking amused at something Jon had >said earlier. "This Captain Katsuragi is a woman?" REBECCA : No, she's a hermaphrodite and a Saiya-jin-- Of course she's a woman. > "Yes," Jon replied. > Lara chuckled. "They grow up so fast," she said wryly. REBECCA: DJ always wanted so much to show me how he'd "grown." >"He's off base now, they tell me." GOUKA : Trust us, DJ's *always* off-base, even when he's in the building. > Jon nodded. "He and Captain Katsuragi are meeting the fourth >member of our team at sea - she's on her way over from Germany with >her EVA by ship. They should all be back tonight." > "Not a combat assignment, then?" > "Oh, no, not at all. TSUNEO : He's picking up the *pizza!* Yeah... >I'm sure DJ's perfectly safe - in fact, >he's probably bored stiff right about now." GOUKA : I'm an expert on DJ-chan's stiffness! REBECCA: Can I have some air? I'm choking on irony over here. > "Don't get any funny ideas," Asuka warned DJ. > "What?" DJ replied, distracted by the uninformative warning. > "Just concentrate on moving the EVA." > "Oh. Right." > And, indeed, they were moving, slowly but surely, the red EVA >plodding down the Angel's throat, trailing cable in its wake. SANDARA: Down... down... down... GOUKA: You know, that wasn't very funny when the other guy did it either. >The >power cable sawed ominously against the monster's closed teeth as they >pulled it through, but the tough insulation held up, so they kept >going, crawling ever deeper into the fleshy darkness. REBECCA: This week on the Discovery Channel... TSUNEO: Say, when did Gaghiel get so big? > "What are we doing this for, anyway?" > "We're looking for the core. GOUKA : Septerra Core, it's the *best* game ever! >On the first couple of Angels I >dealt with, we were lucky enough that it was on the outside, but that >wasn't the case with the last one and apparently not this one either; >which means it's got to be in here somewhere." REBECCA: Ever consider it might not *have* a core? > "And then what, when we find it?" > DJ grinned. SANDARA : We steal it, sell it to the Russians, and run like hell to Tijauana! >"Did you notice the little radioactivity symbols >painted on the two missiles strapped to that plane you grabbed on the >way down?" > The color drained out of Asuka's face. REBECCA: So let me get this straight. EVA-02 just HAPPENED to grab a fighter that just HAPPENED to be on stand-by with a pair of nuclear cruise missiles and in all the fighting underwater they DIDN'T drop it? That's about as convoluted as what they did in the original epsidoe. Well done Hutchins! TSUNEO: Yes, but the difference here is that DJ gets to do it! > "Hello, hello, Misato, can you hear me?" DJ's voice crackled >from the radio panel. GOUKA : I want a Number 3 combo with onion rings and a Diet Coke to drink. > "DJ? Are you down there too?!" Misato cried, snatching up the >microphone. > "Unfortunately, yes. SANDARA: And for one shining moment, DJ speaks for readers everywhere! >Listen, that plane we grabbed on our way >off the carrier, can you get Admiral Keller to give us the failsafe >codes for the two nuclear cruise missiles it was carrying?" REBECCA: He's going to go ballistic when he hears how recklessly his men deployed thermonuclear weapons, but never mind. > Keller, overhearing, ordered Commander Mueller to find out >which plane it had been and get those codes. Misato, eyes wide, said, >"You're insane!" TSUNEO : Naw! I'm just whimsical. > "So I've been told. You have any better ideas, now's the >time." REBECCA: Maybe something that doesn't assume both he and Asuka have the responsibility to handle nukes. > Misato's astonishment slowly melted away, replaced by a sly, >almost feral glee, and she replied, "Not a one, kid. Go for it. Our >signal won't be able to reach them from up here, though." GOUKA : Oh, and it's been nice knowing you. Sorta. > "Relaying through EVA-02's radio system should work," DJ >replied. "Just be ready to reel us up in a hurry." SANDARA : Quickly, reel us up through the Angel's tightly-closed mouth using a cord that can't possibly be strong enough to hold all of our weight for the necessary length of time! > "Transmitting the codes now," Commander Mueller reported. REBECCA : Kick ass! Now I can unlock Seigfried and Yoshimitsu... > "There you are, you bastard," DJ muttered as, on the other >side of the translucent stomach lining, the glowing red core >appeared. SANDARA : Oh, ya. Ya got a *big* cyst right here... REBECCA : Ewww! >EVA-02 deployed its second Progressive Knife at his >command; slowly, painstakingly, DJ and Asuka sliced open the stomach, >then the outer layer of the core. GOUKA : Hmm, not quite done. Give it another ten minutes then add some soy to it. >Then, putting the knife away, they >made EVA-02 gently pry the two cruise missiles from the undercarriage >of the smashed jet, discarding it and plugging the missiles like >cardiac electrodes into the Angel's core. TSUNEO: Fortunately, NERV's research had found that while Angels had a crunchy candy outside, their core was little more than soft, fruity gelatin goodness. > DJ cranked the output power on the EVA's radio transmitter up >to max, crossed his fingers, and transmitted the failsafes; the >warheads responded with acknowledgement signals and began a >thirty-second countdown. REBECCA : "Let there be light." SANDARA : Okay... that's bad isn't it? > "Let's get the hell out of here," DJ and Asuka said to each >other as one, turning the EVA and heading for the mouth. GOUKA: Fortunately, the innards of Angels provide *excellent* traction, almost comparable to that of an Olympic regulation track field! > Just as they did so, there came a sudden, resounding shock, >and the EVA tumbled end-over-end toward the front of the Angel, >dragged up by the sudden tension on the power cable. REBECCA: And now it's Innerspace. GOUKA: "Congratulations, you just digested the EVA." TSUNEO : [belches] > "The cable just ran out!" Misato called. "Get out of there, >you'll capsize the carrier!" GOUKA: They're running back *towards* the carrier, so *now* they run out of cable. Yes, I see... > "A work in progress, Misato, my darling," DJ replied through >his teeth as the EVA slammed back-first into the Angel's closed teeth. TSUNEO : Yes *dear.* I'm doing it *dear*... >A sudden wrenching jar, and all was silent for an instant - then the >interior lights went red and the 1:00.00 countdown started again. REBECCA: Lightning Round, everyone! Lightning Round! > "Oh NO!" Asuka cried. "The cable's snapped!" GOUKA : Now there's nothing protecting us from the laws of physics! We're doomed! > "You said you wanted to be here when I made a mistake, love," >DJ observed, gritting his teeth and pushing against the hand controls. >"This just might be it." SANDARA : Aww, you always know the right thing to say. > "I take it back!" Asuka declared. GOUKA : Now I, too, know your transcendent glory, DJ-sama! I praise you and hold you high! REBECCA: It was a good line in Empire Strikes Back. Here... > Turning the EVA around, DJ and Asuka crouched it and drove its >hands into the gaps between the Angel's teeth, levering the jaws >apart. TSUNEO : Say, Gaghiel? You should get that molar checked there. >As their desperation increased, so did their mutual >synchronization with the machine, and the EVA's strength increased >proportionately. GOUKA : Why? That would be telling. >As the count hit 0:35.00, the Angel's jaw muscles >gave way with a deep tearing noise, and the jaws swung open. REBECCA: So if two pilots can make an Eva more powerful, why didn't they just make one really big one and have *all* the children pilot it? Or pack all the Rei clones in, that would've worked... TSUNEO: Because it only works in brief spurts of sheer desperation, not for minutes on end like is going on here. > Deep within the Angel, the two 10-kiloton tactical nuclear >warheads detonated. SANDARA: Diarrhea is like a pair of nuclear explosions raging inside of you. > Misato Katsuragi cried out inarticulately as the winch on the >carrier's deck retrieved the frayed, broken end of the power cable at >the same moment as a titanic waterspout erupted two hundred meters off >the Deutschland's port bow. GOUKA: ... which threw up a giant tidal wave that capsized the ship and killed all marine life for miles around, correct? TSUNEO : Noo! He owed me money! >For a terrible few seconds, all was silence. GOUKA: The terrible power had no color, no smell, no taste. But it had a voice, and this is it. REBECCA: [makes Geiger counter noises] > Then a shadow appeared on the aft flight deck, grew larger and >larger, and, with a resounding crash that dented the deck, EVA-02 >slammed down on its feet, dropping into a crouch, then falling to its >knees and sprawling, face-first, powerless, and steaming, full-length >on the flight deck. SANDARA: And, Lo, DJ and Asuka lived again! REBECCA: And no doubt wrecked a few more planes while he was at it. GOUKA: And it was good. Amen. > A cheer went up from the men and women of the Deutschland's >crew as the entry plug popped out and two shaken but unharmed pilots >emerged. > > Gendou Ikari picked up his ringing desk phone. "Yes?" TSUNEO : No, I *don't* want to change my long distance company. > "Kaji here," came Kaji's voice. GOUKA : Just lettin' ya know that I'm... y'know... *here*. Cool, huh? >"The operative who met me at the airport indicated there was some problem?" > "Lara Croft is alive," Ikari told him. "She's here, now." REBECCA : She and Maya are braiding each other's hair. It's getting weird. > "Damn!" Kaji replied. "I knew I should have checked." TSUNEO: He's *so* professional. REBECCA: Okay, so he left her alone and unguarded in an elaborate yet easily escapable deathtrap. That's how she knows all about NERV, he explained his plans to her first. > "No matter. Trapping her for the time she was trapped served >its purpose just as well. GOUKA: Wait, wait... so NERV sent Kaji to try and kill Lara Croft to get DJ into the program? ... that's just a bit insulting to Lara, don't you think? >Her son will not leave the program >willingly now; he has too much time and energy invested in it. REBECCA: (blinks) Well... thanks for the subtle foreshadowing and characterization, Hutchins... TSUNEO: It's Evangelion delivered with a sledgehammer. >However, she would easily recognize you if you were to put in an >appearance, and would undoubtedly be quite angry with you, so I think >it best if you keep away until she leaves." > "When will that be?" GOUKA: The end of the series, most likely. That way, Ben doesn't have to write about you! > "I will let you know when she's gone. Do you have the >samples?" TSUNEO: [Startled] Samples? The hell? > "Everything's with me and in good condition. SANDARA : We will make the Pokemon card trade at 0900 hours. >Phase Two of the >Human Instrumentality Program is proceeding on schedule." > "Excellent. I look forward to meeting with you. Keep out of >sight and wait for my all-clear. Goodbye, Mr. Kaji." GOUKA : Soon... soon we will have the power of this... "Virtual Boy". > "Goodbye, Professor." SANDARA : Kisses! ^-^ TSUNEO: ...wuh... > Ikari hung up and sat back. > The Croft family as a whole was starting to become quite >inconvenient. GOUKA : You know, I'm beginning to wonder why I decided to endanger the program by bringing in an interfering rebel's son when he's supposedly the least important pilot... > "Wonderful girl!" DJ, back in suit, trenchcoat and hat, TSUNEO : Let's hop a lift to the Brown Derby, shall we? Cheery-oh! >remarked to Misato as the two walked down the gangway from the freshly >docked Deutschland into the gathering evening in New Providence >Harbor, Rhode Island. "Either I'm going to kill her, or I'm beginning >to like her." REBECCA: Ah, smarmy Children in love. Kinda gets you here, don't it? GOUKA: Indeed... though it might just be gas. TSUNEO: Problem is, he means it. > Misato chuckled. SANDARA : Heh... cute, DJ. Now... shut up, okay? >"She can be a little abrasive, but you'd >better get used to her - she's going to be living with us." TSUNEO: Why, oh why was this decision made now, rather than when it's actually neccessary? REBECCA: Don't you remember? All the "squad" together? Reducing contamination by putting them next door? GOUKA: Oh yes, the EVA Bunch. > DJ sighed exaggeratedly, shoving his hands in his pockets and >slouching. "She's the sort of girl my mum always warned me about." TSUNEO : Oh, bugger, yet another shapely lass living by me. GOUKA: Wonder how he'll design *her* room. > One of the white Land Rovers used by NERV as staff vehicles >was parked at dockside; presently, the driver's door opened, and >Ritsuko Akagi emerged, sporting a nasty-looking, darkening bruise on >the left side of her jaw. REBECCA: That's right, I haven't been dragged through the mud enough this chapter. > "Hi, Ritsuko - hey, what happened?" Misato asked. REBECCA : You know, if you'd *relax* your jaw this wouldn't happen... > "Run into a door or something?" DJ wondered. TSUENO : Damn automatic doors aren't staying open long enough anymore... *ow*... > "Not exactly," came a voice so familiar, but so unexpected, it >almost stopped DJ's heart; and as he stared, dumbfounded, at the Land >Rover, Lara Croft got out of the passenger side and walked smiling >around the front end. REBECCA: "Lara Croft" and "front end" in the same sentance sounds wrong. > Silently, DJ ran to her, and mother and son enjoyed a >long-overdue embrace. GOUKA: While DJ tried not to smother as he rammed his face in-between her enormous square ta-ta's. SANDARA: How many psychoanalytic issues can you see here, guys? > Asuka, walking up beside Misato, asked, "Who's that?" > "DJ's mother," was the reply. > "Oh. Does that means he's leaving?" TSUNEO: Pleeease? He said he would. > "I don't know," Misato replied, biting her lip. "I don't >know." GOUKA : If DJ left, then we'd only have incompetent pilots like *you* left to defend humanity... REBECCA: And with this cliffhanger, we conclude. >/* The Marcels "Blue Moon" _Billboard Top Rock 'n Roll Hits: 1961_ */ TSUNEO: ... but first, from the mini-series "The 60's"... >NEXT EPISODE: > > Asuka takes charge. GOUKA: And assembles the first NERV Kids' Crew. OTHERS: GYAH! > Truss does laundry. REBECCA: The thrills never stop here on NXE! > Dr. Ikari shows some faith. > Misato and DJ come closer together. > And circumstances threaten to push them all apart. TSUNEO: A crisis point arises: They're down to their last Foster's. > Coming in seven days: > > NEON EXODUS EVANGELION 1:7 GOUKA: "BEN MANGLES OF MORE OF THAT STUPID CANON." > ALONE IN THE DARK > COMING 8/13/97 TSUNEO: It's a computer game series, or the wrong episode! Your choice. >"It's part of you, after all, and to me, that makes it beautiful." SANDARA: "There's a little DJ Croft in all of us." TSUNEO: That's an area I don't want to visit. The EBN bumper promoted the newest episode of Warrior's Legacy as Tsuneo clicks the TV off. The quartet gazed at each other, a bit confused. "So..." Sandara remarked. "Lara Croft is alive." "It would appear so." Gouka noted flatly. "So there's no feasible reason why DJ should be using his EVA so effectively." Tsuneo asked. "...I got a theory." Rebecca interrupted. The others glanced over to the young woman. "Lara's not his mum. His real mother's locked inside of EVA-01." "Yeah, but who could that be?" Sandara asked. "The obvious possibility is that it's Dana Scully" Rebecca replied. "She and Mulder finally did 'it', and DJ's the ugly result. This shows that a Mulder/ Scully romance story is defintely a bad thing" She finished, grinning. "Of course, that doesn't explain why he ended up in the care of Lara." "Well, how about Lara being a friend or some aquaintence of the real mother" Tsuneo answered. "But who would want to know her?" "Jill Valentine?" Sandara responded. "Or Aya Brea, maybe. Or Joanna Dark. Or some other gun-toting video game heroine. They leave young DJ in the care of one of their own who they know will raise him the way they want to." "What, by dragging him down every claustrophobic tunnel and monster- ridden crypt?" Tsuneo commented, dryly. "Exactly!" "Here's another thought" Rebecca said, rubbing her chin. "We've noticed that NXE sort of reads like an Undocumanted Features version of Evangelion, right? Complete with it's own Worchester, it's own Wedge and it's own version of Gryphon in DJ" She paused to consider her next thought. "OK, DJ isn't actually Mulder's son, either. He's actualy the child of of Kei of the Dirty Pair and old Gryphonis Prime himself. Or maybe Gryphon and one of his millions... and millions of lovers." "However," Sandara interrupted, "That would kind of involve tying Eryie Unlimited's numerous works into a single continuity." Tsuneo paused with a pained expression. "Ow..." "...And, likewise, tying all the anime series they draw from into a single continuity--" "*OW!*..." "Say, Sandara, I think you're hurting Tsuneo." Rebecca interrupted. "Sad thing is it's so stupid that it actually makes sense" Tsuneo replied. "Hogwash!" Gouka dismissed. The fiery mage, who had been leaning casually against the wall during their discussion, stood up and advanced toward the group. "You people are *really* overcomplicating things here. The answer is *quite* simple." "Oh really, Bunny Slave," Rebecca smirked, "and what's that?" "'Bunny Slave' indeed... anyway, it's *clearly* obvious that the EVA units are *in fact* filled with a delicious creamy nougat, making for a pleasant experience for those that partake of riding in them." Gouka put his hands on in waist and tilted his head up slightly, grinning with pride. The trio stood quietly and nodded politely before speaking. "Uh-*huh*..." was Tsuneo's basic response. "...yeah." Sandara added. "Well..." Rebecca concluded, baffled. "Ben's first plot twist seems to be quite a puzzle." "Who's locked inside DJ's EVA. I get the feeling we'll find out soon." Sandara pondered. "In any event," Gouka yawned, stretching. "I'll bid you all leave. Sandara, the new outfit is smashing." "Thanks, Gouka." Sandara shot back bitterly, then spun to her room. "G'night gang..." Rebecca meandered over towards her room and shut off the lights. Gouka stood in the middle of the darkened room as Tsuneo trodded to his respective bedroom. "Oh and Tsuneo?" Gouka asked just as he retreated to his bedroom. "Hrmm?" "Nice slippers." "Smeg off." Tsuneo snarled as Gouka vanished in a fiery BAMF. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Get in touch with the riffers! *Tim McLees: shinji_70@hotmail.com *Alicia Ashby: lynxara@bad-candy.com *Max and Alex Fauth: rickr@one.net.au > "Hey!" Asuka cried. "Watch where you're putting your hands." > "I -am-." > ... > > "All right, I deserved that."