***Elmer Studios and PTB Productions, brings to you...*** Neon Exodus Evangelion: The Gathering Storm "Journey to the Center of the Earth" MSTed by Timothy McLees (compiler, co-editor), Alicia Ashby (co-editor), and Alex Fauth Tim's Notes: Entering the home stretch as NXE: The Gathering Storm draws to a close. It's been neat working with Alicia and the Fauths on the NXE Project. Hope its been a good trip for you, our dear viewers, as well. Alex's Notes: My end was rather slow in keeping up... personal problems, losing a job, getting a new one, getting very busy at new job, the works. But I am back, large as life and twice as ugly. And I won't let something like NXE get me down. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rebecca Bartley sat at the counter of her apartment, lazily scrolling through a Rolodex that laid on top of it, pondering the names and numbers on the various cards. Nearby, Tsuneo Tateo bitterly hung up his phone with a sigh. "Celena isn't gonna be able to come over, either." "You make that sound like a bad thing." The bionic female smirked. "What, you don't think the three of us can't handle the stuff the Voice finds by ourselves." "It's not that really," Tsuneo shrugged, leaning against the wall. "I mean, it's cool that Rick's safe and all that, but we really need another hand to help out around the place?" "Well... what about Sandara? She's used to our weirdness now, she'd fit right in. Besides, it'd be nice to have another girl around the house." Tsuneo shot a wry smirk over to Rebecca, who responded by side-arming a nearby orange at his direction. The man barely managed to catch the airborne citrus. "To fend off you and Dan, you snot!" "Still, she'd have to recover from the culture shock she's still under. Tsuneo added. "Look, just because she tried to pay the pizza delivery guy with silver pieces last week..." Their discussion was cut off short as a shimmering blue portal shimmered into existence in their living room. Tsuneo recoiled in shock, posing in an awkward martial arts stance towards the duo stepping through the gate. "Oh, hi Gouka." Rebecca greeted casually. "I'll *never* get used to that..." Tsuneo grumbled to himself. From out of the portal stepped the always-extravagant fire mage Gouka Leigh... who was cuddling and laughing with an equally elaborately attired Sandara. The petite elven girl stepped forward, smiling with pride. "Umm... have you two been helped?" "Oh, sorry to keep everyone waiting." the red haired mage apologized. "I've just been helping young Sandara here multi-class." "...so that's what they're calling it nowadays." Rebecca snickered. "Yup, you're now looking at Sandara Taraquil, 9th level priestess and first class sorceress, baby!" She giggled as she posed mightily, shooting a grin over to her "teacher". "Yeah... and what's with the armor plated leg warmers there?" Rebecca inquired, regarding Sandara's unusual new adventure gear. "Oh! This is my new mystical armor, the Heavenly Garb. Provides great protection *and* quite fashionable!" "...it's a silver plated aerobics leotard, Sandara." Tsuneo retorted. "And it shows of your legs nicely, milady." Gouka added, putting an arm on her shoulder. "They sure do, Mister G!" The two veteran Elmer denizens stood in mute shock as the two adventures laughed and posed amongst themselves. "...look, unless you two need some time alone, this week's episode of Neon Exodus Evangelion's starting." Rebecca intervened, nudging the two not so gently "Just one more episode before the end of the season, gang." Tsuneo reminded. Tsuneo took his usual seat at the EZ-Boy recliner off to the side. Gouka and Sandara settled onto one end of the couch, the elven maiden snuggling against the fiery mage. This left Rebecca Bartley to sit at the opposite end of the couch, turning to share an awkward shrug with Tsuneo as the EBN call letters came up on the screen... > /* Genesis "Land of Confusion" _Invisible Touch_ */ REBECCA: Music That Rocks: This 80's compilation is not available in stores! > EYRIE PRODUCTIONS, UNLIMITED > presents > SANDARA: Presents! Just in time for the holidays. > NEON EXODUS EVANGELION > > EXODUS 1:8 - JOURNEY TOWARD THE CENTER OF THE EARTH > TSUNEO: In this episode, the Children they'll meet a subterranean empire of Datas. SANDARA: But first they must go DOWN, Down into... GOUKA: Just shush, both of you. > > Inspired by NEON GENESIS EVANGELION created by Hideaki Anno, Gainax, > et al. > > Most characters created by Hideaki Anno and Yoshiyuki Sadamoto GOUKA: Other characters are dragged through the street and humiliated before the public. > except TSUNEO: Wait for it... wait for it... > DJ Croft created by Benjamin D. Hutchins > and > Jon Ellison created by Larry Mann > TSUNEO: To be like the Larry Mann. SANDARA: Larrymon? > Additional material and inspiration cadged from TOMB RAIDER by Core > Design, Ltd., X-COM: UFO DEFENSE and sequels from MPS Labs (whoever > owns them nowadays), THE X-FILES created by Chris Carter, and > 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY by Arthur C. Clarke GOUKA: ...You know, I've been trying, but after almost a season of this, I just don't care. REBECCA: Shh! These refs will be on the final exam, pay attention! > > Written by Benjamin D. Hutchins and Larry Mann > > Aided and abetted by the Eyrie Productions, Unlimited crew > and special-guest-for-life Phil Moyer REBECCA: Apparently the UN has been looking into Phil's case. He may actually be unlawfully detained. > (c) 1997 Eyrie Productions, Unlimited GOUKA: Last time on Neon Exodus Evangelion, things were getting pretty wild! Matarealmon was rampaging across the city, dumping orangeade over everything, and Jon had to steal a car to get everyone to NERV on time! > "I'm the luckiest girl in the world," Asuka Soryu-Langley >observed cheerfully as she walked through the racks of clothes at the >Worcester Galleria's Nordstrom, hanging onto the arm of a bemused Kaji >Ryoji. SANDARA: Asuka's a Very Stylish Girl. GOUKA: Commerce! Working for you! REBECCA: Hip trendy clothes for wealthy white people! > "Why is that?" asked Kaji with an indulgent smile. > "'Cause it's a beautiful day, I get to go shopping with you, >and that idiot Croft is going back to England," she replied. "That's >why." TSUNEO: And we're thankful for that ourselves. > Kaji smiled indulgently. GOUKA: I'm just indulgenting all over the place, love. TSUNEO: He's a few marks away from being Riker at this rate. > "Don't you think you're being a >little too harsh? After all, he did help you out against the Sixth >Angel." > Asuka snorted. REBECCA: Poor Asuka. I heard that she picked up a serious cocaine habit just to get her by during filming. > "Got in my way, is more like it," she >remarked. "I just thank God he wasn't around to foul up yesterday's >operation. TSUNEO: She's re-writing history to make herself look better. I suppose we should be thankful she's in character though. > Getting stuck in an elevator, of all things, can you >believe it? What a fool." GOUKA: Well, at least he didn't get lost by the One Potato Two for a few hours, Miss Cool. > A shadow passed over Kaji's face, but it was almost >immediately gone as he went on, "Yes, well... he paid for -that- by >having to spend all that time trapped in an elevator with Katsuragi." REBECCA: Don't worry, I'm sure there were people perfectly willing to take his place. TSUNEO: Like Kaji? REBECCA: Well, yes. > "You have something against Captain Katsuragi?" > "No, and that's the trouble," Kaji replied. GOUKA: Ehh... I could think of worse fates. > Asuka looked quizzical. "Huh?" > "Forget it," said Kaji dismissively. "What exactly are we >looking for, anyway?" SANDARA: Oh, a kewl Death Kitty tank top and some lip gloss. Rock! REBECCA: She's becoming a Perky Goth, then? > "I'll know when I find it," Asuka replied. She scanned the >racks of clothing, then grinned. "Ah! C'mon, this way." TSUNEO: Off we go on another side-quest. > "Hang on a second, where are you taking me?" asked Kaji with >mock indignation as she dragged him through the girls' summerwear >section. GOUKA: Enter the shopping mall drama that Anno never *dared* to attempt! > "Yeah, here we go! This is perfect," said Asuka triumphantly, >holding up a hanger on which were secured a couple of entirely-too-small >patches of red and white striped fabric. "I've been wanting to take >up diving again now that I'm settled here, and this is just the >foundation for my new kit." REBECCA: I've got a new job as a barber pole. TSUNEO: ...that'd bring Floyd some customers. > "Slow down, schoolgirl," said Kaji, crooking an eyebrow. >"Isn't that suit a little... mature?" > "I think I can fill it out quite nicely," replied Asuka >impishly, twirling around. SANDARA: She's a damn good imp. GOUKA: BADABOOM! > Steady, Ryoji, though Kaji to himself. Even Ikari might not >be able to keep you out of prison... TSUNEO: (sighs) Yes, we join this episode of Planet of the Pedophiles already in progress. REBECCA: Starring ol' Nick Adams. > "These pictures don't give us any clear data," Otto Keller >grumbled as the map displays of the Kilauea magma flow scrolled across >the viewscreen. SANDARA: Our standing theory is that it consists of chewy nugat. > "But we can't ignore it," Truss replied. "USGS reported an >anomalous sonar reading from the exposed magma chamber of Kilauea, and >any anomaly has to be very closely watched. The last thing we need is >-more- of Hawaii blowing up." GOUKA: It'll make it tougher for Truss to get lei-ed. > "What did the Magi say?" Ritsuko asked Maya. REBECCA: Out of cheese error. Redo from start. > "Fifty-fifty," Maya answered. "Hopefully Captain Katsuragi's >on-site survey will tell us more." TSUNEO: If she's not too busy having a romp with Frankie Avalon, that is. > In their bedrooms at Apartment 3-D, Misato Katsuragi and DJ >Croft went separately through the motions of packing and preparing for >a trip. TSUNEO: ...Ah, *separately.* Good... SANDARA: Thanks, Hutchins, you're a gentleman. > For his trip back to England, DJ didn't pack much. As a >general rule, he disliked having more luggage than he could >comfortably run away from hostile people while carrying - call it an >occupational habit. GOUKA: Perfect for leaving the scene of the crime. > He had a few changes of clothes, not enough to >get him across the Atlantic, but then, he'd booked his passage on a >properly civilized liner with a laundry service aboard, REBECCA : My God, man! You don't even have a proper laundry! What kind of filthy barbarians are you? >so he wouldn't >need much. He had a few books, but planned on spending a good bit of >the crossing in the ship's library. And so on. SANDARA: ~~All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go!~~ > That being the case, everything he was taking with him fit >into his backpack. REBECCA: Although getting his complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica in there was a bit of a pinch. > This was useful, since he intended to ride his >Corley to his ship's port of departure - New York - and have it >shipped across with him. One doesn't strap a steamer trunk to the >back of a Corley Twin Atlas and ride it to New York City that way. ALL: ... GOUKA: Yes, folks, that was two paragraphs dedicated to DJ's *luggage.* > Misato was also packing light - she was being flown by fast >transport aircraft to Hawaii to investigate the USGS anomaly, so the >bulkiest piece of clothing she was likely to need was her uniform >jacket, which she'd be wearing. Into an overnight bag, she >haphazardly stuffed a few changes of underclothes, a couple of clean >shirts, a pair of more or less presentable shorts and tights, and a >bathing suit - well, you never knew, and hey, it was Hawaii. SANDARA: On the upside, it left plenty of room for souvenirs. TSUNEO: I can't stand this intense suitcase packing action. > They met in the hallway; Misato was leaving to catch her >flight, DJ was just in search of something to eat. REBECCA : Brains... must have brains... >They stopped, >facing each other, unsure exactly what to do. SANDARA: So they stood silently to ponder this moment and establish drama. TSUNEO: And save on the animation budget. > Then Misato dropped her bag and pulled an unprotesting DJ into >a hug. TSUNEO : I could stay here forever. > "Take care of yourself," she said to him. > "You too," said DJ. "Don't let this place go to bits while >I'm away, right?" GOUKA: How many bits, 8-bits, 16-bits? > "We'll try to hold it together," said Misato, smiling through >her anxiety. "Just make sure you -do- come back." > "No worry on that score," DJ replied. "I'll be back almost >before you know I'm gone." SANDARA: To be certain, I'll come back *before* I left. > "You're really not worried about it?" > "Not a bit. Win or lose, I'll be back. Old Sir Henshingly >can't stop me any more than he could ever stop Mum." He took a step >back and held her shoulders in his hands. "Be careful, Misato," he >told her, his eyes deadly serious. "I'd be terribly upset if anything >happened to you while I wasn't around. Keep up your guard. Don't >trust Kaji." REBECCA : He's a man! An insensitive, smug, overbearing, obnoxious... oh, wait. > She chuckled wryly. "I never have -before-... " > "I'm serious, Misato. Something about that guy gives me the >shivers. Don't believe anything he says. Don't let him charm you." GOUKA: There's room for only *one* Aura of Smooth around here. > Seeing how serious he was about it, Misato nodded. "I'll be >careful." She felt vaguely ridiculous, being warned to guard her >virtue by a boy half her age, but she knew by now that he showed this >intensity only when he felt it was truly necessary - and that his >instincts were usually right. > And anyway, she'd noticed something... odd, more furtive than >usual, about Kaji, anyway. SANDARA: Furtive? TSUNEO: Yeah, visiting all the MUCKS and all that... wait, that's fur*vert*... > She resolved to do a little investigating. > She hugged DJ again, then bent to kiss his cheek; he was >having none of that, and kissed her firmly on the lips. TSUNEO: ...guck. GOUKA: Misato's earning her combat pay on this episode. > "Have a good time in Hawaii," he said as he showed her >(slightly blushing) to the door. > "You'd better write to me," Misato warned. > "Go on, you know I will," said DJ. "I'll send you a telegram >from mid-ocean just for kicks. REBECCA : Dear Misato STOP Having a lovely time STOP Captain has offered to keel-haul me STOP looking forward to it immensely STOP Must go now STOP love and kisses to you and Gendo STOP >Now you'd better go or you'll be late >for your flight and irritate dear Dr. Akagi." > "We can't have -that-," Misato observed wryly. "Bye for now, >DJ... good luck." REBECCA : And may the Smarm be with you! > "Cheers, Misato. See you in a few weeks." > The door closed, and DJ was momentarily alone with his >thoughts. GOUKA: Hrmm... wonder what Kaitlyn would do at a time like this?... > Should have told her, he admonished himself. Just in case you >-don't- see her again for some reason... > ... Oh well. I guess this means that come hell or high water >you'll -have- to see her again, won't you? REBECCA: Come hell or high water, it's DJ! SANDARA: ...not exactly fear-inspiring there. > Cheered up by his own admittedly dodgy logic, he returned to >his room to get in some quiet reading and perhaps an early start on >the evening's rest. TSUNEO : If I don't have eight or nine naps a day, I won't have enough energy for my main evening snooze. > Sadly, it wasn't to last. > Asuka got home a little bit after Misato left, and, finding >DJ's door closed and nobody else home, she decided she might as well >go and try on her new swimsuit. GOUKA: (impish) D'oh... what's this?... REBECCA: (equally impish) I sense some wackiness approaching at Misato's Place! TSUNEO: Dear God. Save me from what is about to come. > Humming happily, she shut the door to >her room and took off her blouse and skirt, standing before her >full-length mirror in socks and underwear. TSUNEO: (bored) Service, service, service... > Not bad, she remarked to herself, smiling. Not bad at all. >Croft is right, after all - this view ought to be worth a slap in the >face for anybody. > Not for the first time, she wondered what that red light on >the wall next to the mirror was for. REBECCA: Maybe Misato's Apartment becomes a giant humanoid fighter that fights off aliens. GOUKA: ...I'd pay money to see that. > She'd determined that it didn't >mean that there was any danger - initially she had wondered if it had >something to do with the building's fire alarm system, but she'd never >seen any elsewhere in the building or anywhere else. But there was >one in every room of the apartment. TSUNEO: (blinks) ...ohhhh shitski. > She continued to think about it as she removed her bra, >panties and socks, tossing them into the laundry hamper. It couldn't >be a motion detector, what would be the point of that? The building >didn't have a security office or anything. It wasn't a receiver lens >for a remote control - there was nothing for such an item to control, >no automatic windows or lights or a music system or anything like >that. GOUKA: Maybe it just signifies that Misato lives in a Red Light district? REBECCA: No, it's the new Invid model apartment. Everyone knows that. TSUNEO: Maybe she's just got Sharon Apple as a live-in guest. > Bending down, she peered into the glowing red lens, trying to >see behind it, but all she could see was the red glow. SANDARA: Ummm.... hu- hullo? Mister... Red light thing? Hullo...? > "What the hell are you?" she murmured absently. > "I am a HAL 14000 computer, production number 1H00714," it >replied in a mellow male voice. TSUNEO: (palms his face and seethes) I knew it... > DJ, who had dropped into a light doze, sat bolt upright, >catapulting his copy of "A Bridge Too Far" to the floor from where it >had dropped onto his chest, as Asuka's scream echoed through the >apartment. ALL OTHERS: D'oh! GOUKA: That'll happen... at Misato's Apartment! TSUNEO: So yeah! DJ likes to watch... > Without giving it an instant's thought he bolted out of >his room, down the hall, and took a hard left through the door to her >room, which was pushed to but not latched. SANDARA: Well, thanks for that significant detail. > To find Asuka crouched at the head of her bed, blankets and >sheets pulled around her in a clumsy approximation of a toga, TSUNEO: Try harder, Asuka. They'll never admit you to the Colosseum looking like that. REBECCA : But I so want to meet that Maximus guy. He's, like, sooooo dreamy. >her face >white, pointing at the red lens next the mirror on the opposite wall. > "What's the matter?" he asked breathlessly. SANDARA: I'm *not* the fairest of them all! > "What - is - that?" Asuka demanded, still pointing at the >lens. > DJ looked. "Oh! That's a remote sensor for Hal." > "Hal?" GOUKA: The Green Lantern?! Why'd he need one of those? > "My computer. I installed remote sensors and speakers for him >in all the rooms a while back, so that everyone who lives here can >contact him easily." REBECCA: So nice of you to tell everyone, DJ. TSUNEO : It must have slipped my mind while I was updating the "Best of Misato" webpage. > "It... it talked!" > "HAL computers do that. They're artificially aware - you've >never heard of them? TSUNEO: Maybe artificial intelligence can make up for the lack of the real thing in this fic. > A HAL 9000 was the majordomo computer on the >Discovery mission to Jupiter, I thought -everybody- had heard of it." > "This is -your- computer?" > "Yes." TSUNEO: My warez are l33t, yes. SANDARA: ...how do you do that in regular speech, anyway? > "-Your- computer has been watching me dress and undress?" > "... Well... yes." > ALL: KOMEDY! GOUKA: Did we switch to Ranma all the sudden? > "Hey!! It's not as if -I- can see through his eyes, and he's >a -computer-, he's got no interest." > "He must record the things he sees." > "-Everything- he sees, -all- the time? Can you imagine how >much storage space that would take up?" TSUNEO: That's what CD-Rs are for-- crap, said that out loud... > Here, DJ was indulging in a >little white lying - Hal -did- keep records of everything he saw, but >realtime video footage was only available for twelve hours, except for >events Hal thought were significant or was asked to record. REBECCA: Misato in the shower, Misato getting dressed, Misato getting undressed, Misato in her "special time alone"- [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion] >And even >DJ didn't find a lot of stimulation in event log entries like "07h45 - >Asuka dresses." REBECCA: Entire Webcam sites are built around that, though. > Asuka glared at him, still not quite mollified, then said, >"Can you cover it up?" > "Why would you want to do that? Hal wouldn't be able to see >you if you did that." GOUKA: Umm... Nope. Sorry, story, you've waived the right to be coy several paragraphs ago. > "I'm not comfortable with the idea of being spied on by your >computer, Croft!" Asuka shouted. "All right?" > "All right, all right, you don't have to bite my head off. >Give me a minute and I'll take care of it." Going to the living room, >he rummaged around in the coffee table junk drawer, repository for all >things he and Misato couldn't find better places for, and found a >spare nail among the twine, glue stick, chap stick (one would do well, >he noted, not to confuse those two), TSUNEO: (blinkblinks) The hell? SANDARA: Oh my. The wit. Can we kill and field dress the narrator now? > condom, staple puller, old bus >ticket, random change REBECCA: One hundred dollars in gold, one hundred dollars in roubles, service revolver, nylon pantyhose... TSUNEO: A man could have himself a good time in Vegas with all this. >and lint. REBECCA: Why does *every* one of these games have lint? >A stop by his closet for a hammer, >and he went back to Asuka's room, where, with much aplomb, he pounded >the nail partway into the wall a foot or so above the sensor lens. GOUKA: ...And *there* goes the security deposit. >Then he opened her closet, took out a shirt on a hanger, and hung it >on the nail so that the shirt blocked the lens. TSUNEO: Next week on "Better Homes and Gardens", DJ will show us how to install a Local Area Network *and* make matching curtains. > "There. Happy?" he inquired. "This way if you -want- Hal to >see you, you can just move the shirt." > "... OK... I guess it'll do. Why didn't you tell me about >this?" TSUNEO : Well, it's a laugh, isn't it? > DJ shrugged and responded, mostly truthfully, "Didn't think it >was important. I've had Hal for so long I never even think about what >he sees anymore. You'll get used to him." REBECCA : Daisy, daisy, give me your answer true... > Asuka considered it, then grudgingly allowed, "I suppose so." >Then, looking angrily up at him, she said, "Now get the hell out of my >room! I'm naked under here." GOUKA: Well, frankly, aren't we *all* naked beneath are clothing? SANDARA: (chipper) Quite true, Mr G! REBECCA: You two are starting to frighten me. > "Ooh!" said DJ, who had already reached the doorway on his way >out. "Say, you slapped me a bit back. Doesn't that mean you owe me a >look?" TSUNEO: Three... two... one... > It was worth getting hit in the back of the head with a shoe, REBECCA: WA-TAK! TSUNEO: A shoe? Who throws a shoe? >he concluded as he rubbed the sore spot and went happily back to his >room. GOUKA: That's Our DJ! He'll be back after this word from Kelloggs! ALL: (mimic wacky theme music) NEXT DAY MOUNT KILAUEA, HAWAII GOUKA: Somewhere, Jon Arbuckle was driving a Cadillac into a volcano. > "Depth 500. That's the limit." > "Not yet. 500 more, please." > The technicians regarded Misato with consternation, but complied >with her orders, and the magma probe continued to descend farther into >the searing depths of Kilauea's magma chamber. Presently a cracking >sound could be heard. SANDARA: Well, the fries are done. > "Anti-pressure armor compromised," the station computer >announced. > "Captain Katsuragi--!" > "If it breaks we'll compensate you for it," Misato replied >evenly. "Continue." The probe sank deeper, its tortured structure now >groaning loudly in protest. REBECCA: Equal rights for probes! > "Depth 700! Radar contact!" TSUNEO: Sounds like... singing... in Russian. > Spying its quarry, the probe immediately sent a radar pulse back >to the monitoring station. In the next second its armor failed >completely, and it was crushed and melted by the tremendous heat and >pressure. > "Probe imploded," the computer reported dispassionately. GOUKA: Oh, *good one!* > "Did we get anything?" Misato asked. > "Just barely," the lead tech muttered, and the data on the >target was displayed on the main screen. TSUNEO : It's Godzilla. He's begun to move. REBECCA : INDEEED! > It was an ovoid object, with >what looked like a half-human, half-reptilian fetus inside. And the DNA >pattern was unmistakable. REBECCA: It's the Aliens 3 poster. TSUNEO: Or the USA Networks's showing Progeny again. > Misato straightened up. "This facility is now under exclusive >NERV authority!" she barked. > > NERV HQ, WORCESTER-3 SANDARA: Anytown, USA! REBECCA: I prefer Anytown, Amerika myself. SANDARA: What's the difference? REBECCA: More parking for your Apocalypse Tanks. > Unaware of the newly discovered challenge, Jon Ellison sat in >a chaise lounge next to the Central Dogma gym's Olympic-size pool, >reading (of all things) a textbook. GOUKA: Thrill as the Children... read. TSUNEO: Reading's been a major plot element this season. > They were still a couple of weeks >short of the Labor Day weekend and the traditional start of school in >Worcester-3, TSUNEO: Because, as we all know, Worcester *is* the center of the universe. REBECCA [Puts down copy of Undocumented Features]: Actually... >and it was still a point of some contention at the higher >levels of NERV whether the Children should even be required to attend >regular schools, SANDARA: Can they attend irregular ones instead? > but Jon had always been something of a self-starter >at study subjects he thought might be of some use. > Still, at the moment he was beginning to wonder if he'd made >an unwise choice selecting a mid-level physics text; oh, he was fine >with the kinetics, and even most of the light-and-radiation bit made >sense, REBECCA: And he already knew how to re-modulate the subspace harmonics of the main deflector array. > but in thermal transfer and magnetism he was completely lost. TSUNEO: (coughs) Foreshadowing. > Giving up on the problem he was currently considering, Jon >turned his attention to the others. REBECCA : Man, DJ is buff. TSUNEO: Thanks for that, Rebecca. [He hits her with a cushion] >DJ, hanging around and killing >some time before his planned afternoon departure, was in the lounge at >the opposite side of the table; unlike Jon he was not concerning >himself with the higher precepts of education and had, instead, chosen >to relax and pass the time with a bit of light reading entitled >"ROSWELL: THE REAL FIRST IMPACT?" GOUKA: Available now in the NERV Gift Shop. > Of the three in evidence at the pool, only Rei was actually >using it for its intended purpose. REBECCA: Hope there's no P in that "ool." GOUKA: Could be worse, they could be making Otaku Soup. [They all shudder.] > Clad in a simple, modest, >completely appropriate white one-piece, REBECCA: INTENSE SWIMSUIT DESCRIPTION ACTION! >she swam smoothly and quietly >back and forth, unhurried, not trying to make good time, just enjoying >the water and the work. Only now was she really starting to feel her >full strength and mobility returning; REBECCA: At full strength, Rei can bench-press an Abrams tank. >the recovery from her testing >accident had been long and arduous even after the visible injuries >were gone. TSUNEO: Huh, she's practicing for her spots in the closing credits. > Jon slipped completely out of comprehension of the world >around him and focused all his attention on Rei, her sleek form >gliding smoothly and silently through the water. SANDARA: (surly) Arr! The sleek underbelly of the Great White Rei... > It seemed >inconceivable to him at that moment that such a creature could be an >Evangelion pilot, could be involved in any way with the violence that >wracked the world. TSUNEO: Or that she didn't snap in half at the waist. > Surely her presence here had to be an accident, >some sort of cosmic joke of which she was the unwitting victim... > ... Jon wondered who was laughing. GOUKA: I blame Carrot Top. > A voice broke into his reverie: "Ta-da!" Instinctively Jon >turned his head to the right, whence came the voice, and found himself >looking at something he could not immediately identify, SANDARA: That day's Lunch Special. REBECCA: I see DAKA does the catering for NERV too. >mainly >because, startlingly, it was only about two inches from the end of his >nose after he turned his head. ALL: 3-D!!! > Drawing back a little, he was able to >focus on it, and realized as he did that it was a swimsuit top. A red >and white striped swimsuit top with a big silver zipper joining it >together in front, complete with a big metal zipper tab. ALL: GRATUITOUS CLOSE-UP! (TSUNEO and GOUKA applaud politely) > The mate to >this top was in its appropriate place, too, now that he checked, and >both were adorning the body of a cheerfully grinning Asuka Soryu-Langley. SANDARA: Y'know, you got to give Hutchins credit enough to give a paragraph's worth of padding to an Extreme Close-up. TSUNEO: ...That's not padding. GOUKA: ...I'd feel more aroused over this if the suit was on someone *other* than a high-school freshman. > "Well?" she demanded. "What do you think?" TSUNEO: Like a damn candy cane. REBECCA: (smirks) Makes Mouths Happy. > Jon thought, thanks to the suit's colors and the horizontal >stripe pattern, that she looked like a candy cane, but he knew saying >so would only get him slapped, so he merely nodded and said, "Good." [TSUNEO winces] SANDARA: Zinged yourself again. > "What about you, Mighty Adventurer? What do you think?" > DJ looked up, lowering his sunglasses and nodding >appreciatively. "As I've said before, much better than a sharp stick >in the eye." [TSUNEO holds up a pointed stick] > "What do you think -of the suit-?" she asked, frowning. > "Makes you look like a candy cane," said DJ, which made Jon >fight to suppress howling laughter. TSUNEO: Gah. GOUKA: Pure Eyrien Komedy, right here. TSUNEO: It's Comedy with a *Q* at this rate... REBECCA: If it gets any worse, we'll be going to a capital pfloyd. > "Not that I find that in the >least objectionable. You shouldn't get too close while wearing that >outfit, though. I'm a natural-born unfastener and that zip calls to >me." REBECCA: I sense imminent violence directed at DJ's person. Cool. > Asuka scowled. "Try it and I'll break your wrist." > DJ nodded. "Fair enough. Trouble is, it might be worth it." SANDARA: (cheerfully) Enough of this romantic banter! GOUKA: Like Audrey and Hepburn. TSUNEO: (Donatello) It's almost like Moonlighting. > Throwing her hands up in exasperation, Asuka turned to Jon and >asked, "Jon, why are all boys such cretins?" > "... How should -I- know?" Jon replied. TSUNEO: I just work here. > "Leave me out of >this." > Asuka rolled her eyes. "Well, that was typically evasive," >she remarked, looking down at the book in Jon's lap. "What are you >reading? Oh, physics... you think they're going to send us to school, >huh?" > Jon shrugged. "If they do, I need to be prepared." > "Well, if you need a hand with any of it, let me know. I >breezed through that stuff in college." > DJ looked skeptically across at her. "You went to college?" REBECCA: Only for chicks, though. TSUNEO: That's right, she's a Wedge Rat too. > "Yeah, I graduated last year. That's the main reason I think >it's stupid to send us to a local high school - or at least to send >me. I already know anything they might care to teach me. Like this, >for example," she said, picking up the book and indicating the problem >Jon had been pondering a few minutes before. GOUKA: I know where to sell these back at the best prices. > "Thermal expansion and >contraction. Easy stuff. Materials expand as they're heated and >contract when cooled because their temperature changes the size of >their electrons' orbits. I didn't even learn that in school." > "Very impressive," said Jon dryly. SANDARA: We've reached the federally mandated educational part of NXE. TSUNEO: Yes, but will she blow up a Timmy? > "There are some things I do wonder about, though." She looked >curiously down at her own chest, placing her hands on either side of >her swimsuit top, and mused, "I wonder if that means my breasts will >expand if I heat them." REBECCA: ...I did not just hear that. > Jon shot a "where did we get this one?" look over at DJ, who >shrugged and went back to reading. GOUKA: I'm staying out of this one, folks. > "I suspect you'd need a micrometer to tell, love," said DJ >offhandedly. REBECCA: (seethes) Rip his nads off and feed them to him, Asuka. > "And just what the hell was -that- supposed to mean?" Asuka >demanded as DJ put his book aside, removed his t-shirt, and made ready >to jump into the pool. TSUNEO: It means DJ is being his usual stupid self. > "Nothing as bad as you're thinking," replied DJ, and, with a >smooth motion, he swan-dove into the pool. > Asuka glared at the ripple pattern left in his wake, SANDARA: Whoa, he dissolved clean away. What the hell? > then >turned to Jon as Rei climbed out of the pool at the nearest ladder and >made her dripping way to the table. > "How can you stand him?" Asuka asked Jon as he, unprompted, >handed Rei a towel. > "Experience," Jon and Rei chorused flatly. GOUKA and SANDARA: So many idiots. > TWO HOURS LATER > REBECCA: Magnificent Sex! TSUNEO: ...wow, maybe *ten* people will get that, Rebecca. > The EVA pilots (even DJ, though he was technically off duty) >gathered in one of the conference rooms to look at a diagram of the >newly spotted Angel. REBECCA : This is a diagram of the newly-discovered angel. TSUNEO: It looks like some squiggles and a sauce stain to me. REBECCA : Crap. You caught me. > "This is like a pupal stage before maturity," Ritsuko >explained to the children. > "And our objective is to capture it," Jon stated. > Ritsuko nodded. "Correct. SANDARA: Asuka, you are the Weakest Link. Goodbye. > A live sample is crucial to our >continued research into the makeup of the Angels. TSUNEO: Gah... Tenchi flashbacks. REBECCA: Urk. Let's not even think about that. > If we can capture >this one before it metamorphs, we should gain a wealth of useful >information." TSUNEO: Could we find out why Matariel came before this one? REBECCA: He overslept. Next! > "And if we fail?" Asuka asked. GOUKA: We call in the Alienators to finish the job. > "Then destroy the Angel as quickly as possible. Now, in order >to capture it, one of you will need to dive into the magma chamber SANDARA: And we have title! TSUNEO : Yay. > and >deploy an EM cage around the cocoon. Ordinarily, we'd ask you to do >this, DJ - you have the most operational time in your EVA, plus you're >an experienced diver. TSUNEO: Which would naturally enable you to pilot your *mech* through such an environment... REBECCA: Yes, pilot skills translate directly to mech capabilities. GOUKA: *shrugs* Well, works for Domon Kasshu. REBECCA: Works for Rifts. TSUNEO: Dan's still no good, though. > Unfortunately... " > "That's not an option," DJ finished. "Sorry." > "Right. So, we need a volunteer." ALL: [Cricket chirps] REBECCA : Someone? Anyone? GOUKA: Bueller? > "Me! I'll do it!" Asuka replied brightly. "I dive too." > "Excellent. Jon, you will serve as backup while Asuka handles >the capture operation, and assist if necessary." > "Understood," Jon nodded. SANDARA: Saving her bacon yet again, gotcha. > "Rei, you'll remain here on alert in case of another attack." > "Understood," Rei nodded. REBECCA : I don't get to do any of the fun stuff any more... > "Too bad, you can't go to Hawaii," Asuka said with a snide >grin, leaning across the table. Rei did not reply or react. SANDARA: I'm *evil!* GRR! REBECCA: She was out of Level 5000 sunblock anyway. > "Equipment Section will fit the Type D equipment to EVA-02 >immediately," Ritsuko announced. "Asuka, you'll have to be fitted for >a Type D plug suit, as well." > "I'm ready," Asuka said firmly. > TSUNEO: ...and standby for more wackiness. GOUKA: Just the way Eyrie Unlimited makes it. SANDARA: Telegraphed from miles away? GOUKA: Precisely. > "Hm?" Asuka wondered as she hit the control button and the >plug suit contracted around her. "You said this was a special Type D >plug suit, but I don't feel any difference." TSUNEO: Type D Plug Suit contains 90% less sugar but still has the same great taste. > "Push the control button on the right wrist," Ritsuko replied, >not looking up from her clipboard. > Shrugging, Asuka pushed the right control button. Suddenly >her plug suit expanded outward, seeming to inflate like a balloon. REBECCA: Y'know, LCL goes right to your hips. TSUNEO : Kirov reporting. >"WHA??" she shrieked, realizing she had become large and round, barely >able to fit through the doorway. "What's this?!?" TSUNEO: A nod to a wackier episode of the original series? GOUKA: A gratuitous attempt at slapstick? > As Asuka wedged herself through the door from the changing >room into the central pilot staging area, DJ stifled a bark of >laughter, instead muttering, "It always goes wrong at the dessert... " REBECCA : And he was never seen again... > "Shut up!" Asuka snapped. "Weren't you supposed to be >-leaving- or something?" > "Couldn't leave without seeing -this- first," DJ observed, >earning himself a withering glare. GOUKA: And I wanted to get one more snarky comment in. SANDARA: We're as whimsical as Thundercats! > "Unit 02 is ready," Ritsuko continued flatly. > Amused, DJ followed the group to the EVA cage. It wouldn't >throw his schedule off too much if he stuck around for the punch line. > > "GAAH!" REBECCA: Couldn't agree with you more, Asuka. > Asuka was already mortally embarrassed by the plug suit, but >this... this just added insult to injury. EVA-02 sat against the >wall, encased in what looked for all the world like a bulky white >deep-sea diving suit. > "Type 'D' extreme-environment suit," Ritsuko explained. >"Anti-heat, anti-pressure, and anti-nuclear armor." TSUNEO: Anti-comedy. REBECCA: Anti-plot. GOUKA: I'll give Hutchins credit for making this scene as plot-grinding as the original, at least. > "Is that my EVA-02?" Asuka whimpered, looking up. Sure >enough, she could see the face of EVA-02 behind the big round window >on the spherical helmet of the environment suit. It wasn't a horrible >dream... it was really happening. SANDARA: Special unit EVA-Stay Puff'd. (TSUNEO snickers) > "No!" she snapped, turning to Ritsuko. "I don't want to be >seen in public like this! It's too embarrassing!" > Rei quietly raised her hand. "I'll go. I'll pilot Unit 02--" TSUNEO: Public humiliation or yielding to Rei. Your choice. REBECCA : Can I phone a friend? > Her hand was slapped down as Asuka got right in her face and >snarled, "I don't want -YOU- touching my EVA!" She spun to face Maya >and Ritsuko. "If it's me or the First, I'll do it!" she huffed, and >waddled away. SANDARA: (sings) ~~Here we come a-waddling...~~ > "One of these days, someone's going to cut her into little >pieces," DJ murmured. GOUKA: Oh for... shoo! You're not in this scene! [Rebecca stands up and makes various 'shooing' motions at the screen.] > > Jon stared after Asuka's retreating form, simmering, when he >felt a hand resting on top of his own right hand, which he only now >realized was curled into a tight fist and half-raised. TSUNEO: Rei Ayanami is... the Fist of the North Star! REBECCA : Oooooooh. Wa-tak. You are already dead. > He looked down >to see the whiteness of Rei's hands standing out against his black >plug suit glove, and followed the curve of her arms upward until he >met her eyes. > SANDARA: What the... and more Albino Twin Telepathy. > He let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, GOUKA: He then took a moment to realize his heart was beating. >and his hand promptly unclenched and wrapped itself around Rei's. >They held hands for a moment and quietly looked into each other's >eyes, and Jon felt the tension leave him completely. > TSUNEO: That's touching. Freaky, but touching. REBECCA: Just to reiterate the point, they're special. > "Be careful," she said softly. > "I will," he replied. > DJ studiously failed to notice any of this byplay. SANDARA: Yes, DJ, avoid the Blazing WAFF! Save yourself! > The briefings and equipment tests completed, the pilot staff >was dismissed; the operation would begin with the airlift of EVA-02 >and EVA-03 to Kilauea at 0600 the following morning. Asuka gratefully >shed the embarrassing plug suit and got back into more civilized >clothes, and the group returned to the building on Lee Street TSUNEO: Remind me, what Eyrie fic has that street featured in before? REBECCA: I think... all of them. TSUNEO: Probably. >for a >somewhat more subdued evening than usual - tempered by the knowledge >that one of them was leaving, and in some danger of not legally being >allowed back. SANDARA: ...so, DJ, can I have your room? REBECCA: And there was much rejoicing. TSUNEO: Hooray. > That one trailed behind a little, spending a while in the >Wedge alone with his thoughts and the psychedelic holography of >Tempest 5000. TSUNEO: Now available on X-Box. REBECCA: Gaming system *and* and excellent paper weight. TSUNEO: *And* it can keep your pizza hot. > Finally, as he prepared to leave, he headed over to the >Tech Section office block, poking his head into one of the offices. GOUKA: Edward-chan? You in there? > DJ was in luck; Maya Ibuki wasn't often in her office, but >today she was, working on the collation and correlation of some >reports from the previous day's rather exhaustive series of harmonics >tests. She was intent on the work and didn't notice DJ entering until >he'd walked up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders. REBECCA: And threw him for distance with an aikido throw. SANDARA: ...Please? > She >was tense, and for a moment became even tenser, then relaxed as she >realized whose hands were attempting to rub that tension away. GOUKA: Mmm... Corwin Ravenhair, you're a miracle worker... TSUNEO: ...Okay, gang? I'm officially calling quota on "Symphony of the Sword" refs. > "Hi, DJ," she said, settling back in her chair and letting his >strong, practiced fingers work their magic. "Must be about time for >you to get going, isn't it?" REBECCA: Archaeologist, adventurer, hawg-rider, deep-sea diver, EVA pilot, l337 haxor, masseuse... what can't DJ do? TSUNEO: Act like a human being? REBECCA: Besides that. > "Soon," said DJ. "My ship leaves New York tomorrow afternoon >at six, so I'll ride down tonight, stay the night at the Waldorf and >board first thing in the morning. SANDARA: Besides, this Tuxedo Mask guy invited me to the auto show. > 'Fashionable lateness' never really >came into fashion for ocean liners... they have a nasty habit of >leaving without passengers who haven't shown up, even if they -are- >booked in first class." REBECCA: Say, DJ, don't make this being *forced* to go back to England sound like such a chore to you. > "Mmm," Maya all but purred, leaning back against his hands and >closing her eyes happily. "Must be nice to be independently wealthy," >she observed. GOUKA: Yeah, Zoner wired me some money. > "Hey, I earned it," DJ pointed out. "Tramping all round the >world's secret places is hard enough work without worrying about a >camera." TSUNEO: Poor Jerry. He got away from Damien Day and ended up with DJ. REBECCA: Score! > He sighed. "Anyway... I just wanted to see you again before >I headed out. You're more or less the only friend I've got in Tech >Section." > SANDARA: Oh, who wouldn't like *you* DJ? [Tsuneo sticks up his hand] > Maya opened her eyes, looking up and back at him. "You >shouldn't take Dr. Akagi's attitude personally. She... she's like her >mother. She has a hard time warming up to people. Especially people >who throw her off balance like you do." TSUNEO: Yeah, she was kinda pissed after that judo demonstration... > "I don't take it personally, but there's no denying we're not >exactly friends. Pity... she seems a good enough soul, if only we had >any common ground at all. I don't -want- to bother her, particularly, >but I won't change who and what I am because my present state doesn't >suit her fancy, either." REBECCA: So if you don't *want* to bother her, why do you go around acting like such a smarmy little git? > Maya sighed and closed her eyes again, surrendering to the >warm lassitude that was spreading through her, SANDARA: That's not all that's spreading. GOUKA: Hey, it's your world, Croft. > and murmured, "It's >just a personality conflict. You'd have to work harder to get along >than either of you is willing to do." > "Well... maybe when I get back I'll put a bit more effort into >it." TSUNEO: Thank you for that, Mister Statement of the Obvious. > "That would make things go a lot smoother at times," Maya >said, nodding. > "At any rate, I'd best get going." Ceasing his massage, DJ >leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Take care, love. I'll see you >when I get back. Perhaps we should go to a picture show or >something." TSUNEO: We can take one of those horseless carriages, By Jove! SANDARA: And later, a game of Quiddich! GOUKA: Did I mention that I'm British? > She smiled, turning her chair so she could see him out without >having to watch him leave upside down. "I'm too old for you," she >admonished him. REBECCA: She's out of high school. > "I like older women," he said from the door. "Reflection of >my well-earned Oedipal complex, I suppose. Cheers." SANDARA: ...Too much information, DJ! REBECCA: Oh, so *that's* what happened to Mulder. > Maya stared at the closed door to her office for a few >seconds, then dissolved into a fit of giggles. It wasn't for a couple >of minutes that she was able to turn back to her terminal, soberly >hoping that she wouldn't have to count this as the last time she saw >DJ Croft. > REBECCA: And promptly felt dirty all over. > "Mind the fort while I'm gone, Hal," said DJ to his computer >as he stuffed the last shirt into his pack and zipped it shut. TSUNEO: What *is* this, "The Long Goodbye"? Just leave! > "I'll do my best, DJ," Hal replied calmly. "Are there any >special instructions?" REBECCA : Keep all footage of Misato's room between 10 pm to midnight. I'm going to make a killing off of that stuff. > "No... just keep an eye on things, follow the last directives, >and alert me if anything goes seriously wrong. I'll be at the Henge, >evenings, not counting the time I'm at sea." SANDARA: Because I... am a boy... OF THE SEA! > "Good luck, DJ," said Hal. > "Thanks, old friend," said DJ, shouldering the pack. "I'll >need it." He went to the living room to go on saying his goodbyes. > "So you're leaving then?" Asuka asked as he entered the room. > "Regrettably, yes," he replied. REBECCA : YES! [Leaps in the air, dancing around the room before resuming her seat] We'll miss you, DJ. > "Don't worry, though. I'll keep faithful to you always." > "Hmph," said Asuka, turning her attention back to the >television and pointedly ignoring him. > DJ smiled. He rather enjoyed these little tete-a-tetes, >really. GOUKA: You Know You Want Me, Baby! (tm) > Letting the point go, he proceeded through the sliding door >to 3-F, finding Jon and Rei side by side on their couch, reading. TSUNEO: You know, just when I think this fic has given me reason to live, it loops back to the stuff that makes me want to slit my wrists. Onward with the intense reading action. REBECCA : The Wingman? What the hell... > "Well, you two," he said, crouching before the sofa so as to >be more or less at eye level, "try to keep the place from falling >apart while I'm away, won't you?" REBECCA : I'll get the wood glue. TSUNEO : I'll get the cement. > They nodded, looking equally at a loss for words. DJ grinned. >"Take care of each other," he said. "Unless I miss my guess, you'll >both find that a much more compelling motivation than 'take care of >yourselves.'" REBECCA : .oO I'll get the shotgun, Jon. Oo. > The two both smiled - slightly and rather guiltily - and a >light blush came to both of their faces. DJ chuckled. SANDARA: (shrugs) That's... almost charming, actually. > "You're so cute when you do that," he said, patting each of >them on a cheek, which only intensified their flush. GOUKA: ...and immediately there it goes. > "Anyway, be >good, don't do anything I wouldn't do. TSUNEO: So don't be kind, polite, considerate or respectful of authority. REBECCA: On the other hand, feel free to bonk your parents. [Pause] If you had any. > I'll see you in a few weeks - >one way or another." SANDARA: Even if he has to mail himself back. > "Good luck, DJ," said Jon. "I hope you win." > "Don't even worry about it," said DJ with a dismissive >gesture. "Think of me as on vacation." REBECCA: Oooh boy. DJ's going to Blackpool. TSUNEO: Is there anything to actually do in Blackpool? REBECCA: Leave. > Rei smiled and spoke with unexpected impishness: > "Have a good vacation, then." > DJ chuckled and patted her shoulder. "G'bye, Rei, love," he >said. "I'll bring you back something fun from rainy old England." REBECCA: Great. Witty postcards from DJ. > Rei nodded, smiling but with serious eyes, and DJ took his >leave of them, back to his own apartment and out through the kitchen. > "Cheers, Pen-Pen," he said to the penguin, who favored his >human housemate with a positive-sounding "waugh!" as he waddled into >his refrigerator-bedroom. GOUKA: Oh, forget this, I'm outta here! Smackdown's on. > NEXT DAY > > The airlift to Hawaii hadn't been anything memorable, SANDARA: But we're going to describe every minute of it anyway. >aside from >the somewhat comical appearance of EVA-02, hanging from the first AN-411 >in its diving suit. Jon imagined that DJ would have found the whole >thing amusing, had he been able to see it. TSUNEO: This is one of those precious times when I thank god that DJ isn't here. REBECCA: Any others? TSUNEO: ...every waking moment. > Even after the Second Impact, Hawaii was a place marked by beauty >and splendor. Sure, the ocean levels had risen and swamped out a few >of the old cities; the Hawaiians had merely moved inland a bit. The >common line was that all they had to do was wait for the various >volcanoes in the still-growing island chain to rebuild the islands back >to their former size - a matter, they joked, of only a few centuries. GOUKA: ...is this the fan-fic or the travel brochure? SANDARA: Maybe both. >There was still some of the world's best surfing off Diamond Head, and >Kilauea was still a most impressive cauldron of Pele. REBECCA: And the CEGA and ANZAC fleets shooting at each other merely added to the relaxing air. > Within a few hours of arrival, NERV had set up its staging area >and moved REBECCA: On to all the best spots on the beach. TSUNEO: EVA-02 isn't missing this chance to work on its tan. > the giant crane which would lower EVA-02 into the magma chamber >into position, anchoring it firmly into the surrounding rock. EVA-03 >took up a guarding position at the edge of the vent, as 02 was hooked up >to the crane and fitted with the electromagnetic projector it would use >to contain the embryo. GOUKA: The power of magnets! Steel Jeeg! GOUKA, SANDARA, and REBECCA (singing): Dan da-da-DAN Da da DUN-DUN-DUN-Da-DUN!-- TSUNEO: Stop. REBECCA: But it goes on... TSUNEO: I know. Just... stop. > "Hm? What's that?" Asuka wondered, noticing the silhouettes of >aircraft cruising overhead. REBECCA: Goddamn Cobras... can't go anywhere without them. GO AWAY! The meteor you want is in South America! > "Raiden DX-3 interceptors," Jon observed. TSUNEO: ...that wouldn't be another gratuitous video game cameo, would it? GOUKA: In an Eyrieverse fic? Don't be absurd! > "Correct," Misato's voice was heard over the channel. "They're >on alert for the duration of this operation." > "Will they help us?" Asuka asked. > "No, they're here in case we fail," Ritsuko replied. > "Huh?" > "If we can't recover or destroy it, they'll drop the N2 bombs >they're carrying. They'll destroy the target, and us along with it." > "That's horrid!" Asuka protested. "Who'd order a thing like >that??" REBECCA: Ritsuko after an all-night binge. > "Dr. Ikari." > Shocked, for once Asuka had no response. GOUKA: Remember me folks? I'm still evil. Now, back to our program. > DJ Croft stood at the rail of the White Star liner Olympic and >gazed northward at the hazy horizon. Somewhere up there was the >planet's only remaining ice cap, TSUNEO: Along with some very lost penguins. >and he found himself wondering if, in >time, its mate would return. Logically, he imagined it would, though >he would never live to see it. After all, how long had it taken the >original to form? SANDARA: And why is it getting closer? > And how long had it taken the Second Angel (when had the First >really come, he wondered) to destroy it? TSUNEO: Two minutes, fifty-three seconds. REBECCA: Faster than a metal band in a hotel room. TSUNEO : ROOM SERVICE... BAAAAD! > He turned away from the rail and looked instead at the ship he >was traveling on, though this was, perhaps, not the best angle to see >it from. Some people called it the world's most ridiculous waste of >money, others the ultimate gleeful anachronism. SANDARA: Others wondered where the heck Isaac was. [GOUKA points with both hands, smiling confidently.] > Either way, it was a >perfect exemplar of the flash of giddy survivors' glee that rushed >through the remaining half of humanity when the upheaval following >Second Impact settled down. TSUNEO: Well, we've just been through a living hell of floods, famines, pestilence, civil wars and the like. Time to build some ocean liners! > Some people would have been rather unsettled at the prospect >of crossing the Atlantic on a ship which had been built, at great >expense, to resemble exactly (at least with respect to what the >passengers could see) the sister of the most famous disaster ship of >all time. GOUKA: ...oh, how nice. Some more self-indulgent Titanic worship. L-Sama knows we've missed *this*. REBECCA : Did you know that the Olympic had something of a reputation as a danger magnet? > On the other hand, most people hadn't walked the halls of >the Titanic and seen her with their own eyes; DJ had. It gave him >something of a unique perspective. TSUNEO: Especially when he got his air-hose caught on some jagged Debris. DJ, you crack me up. > At any rate, he was dreading the things he had to do when he >arrived in England much more than anything that might happen along the >way, and in the literally and figuratively turbulent atmosphere of >post-Impact Earth, sea travel was safer than flying by a wide enough >margin that only people in a hurry ever flew. SANDARA: ...And breathe! GOUKA: ...*that* was a long sentence. > Knowing that what >awaited him in England was yet another tedious custody battle between >his mother and grandfather (albeit one he hoped to throw a good-sized >wrench of his own into, this time), DJ was in no sort of hurry. REBECCA: Remember Rule One of Eyrien Prose: Never use one word where a dozen will suffice. TSUNEO: What's number two, and yes, I know I will regret this. REBECCA: Fury is mighty. > Sighing, he went back to his first-class stateroom to study >his legal options again. It wouldn't do to be unprepared when the >time came. REBECCA: Hrmm, should I be saying something about not running away right now?... NAAAAH! > "All systems in place and operational," said Maya as her >portable operations board lit up green. SANDARA: Welcome back to the NERV For Kids Telethon! > "Support equipment up and ready," added Truss. > "Fire laser pulse!" ordered Misato. > The small laser emitter attached to the crane fired a pulse of >energy down into the rift, in the process mapping out the course >EVA-02 would take during its descent. TSUNEO: The world's largest laser pointer. REBECCA: NERV hasn't really perfected the reflex cannon, yet. > "Course laid in. Preparing EVA-02 for descent," Truss >reported. GOUKA: I picked Descent up cheap at a gaming shop. > "All cooling systems operating normally," Maya reported. "All >systems green." > "Asuka, are you ready?" Misato called. > "Anytime," Asuka replied. > "Launch!" REBECCA: Wait! I said "Lunch!" SANDARA: D'oh... that's a classic... > The crane engaged, and began to lower the EVA. Asuka regarded >the burning magma below with trepidation. "Man, it looks hot..." she >said, her resolve wavering for just a moment, but only for a moment. TSUNEO: ...It's a volcano, sweetie. > >All right, Asuka. You can do this,< she muttered in German. >To take her mind off it, she keyed her com. "Hey, Jon! Want to see a >real live diving technique?" SANDARA: Want to see me do something intensely stupid? > Without waiting for a response, >she moved the EVA into a rather comical position, as if it were taking >a stride in midair, and, as it entered the lava, she shouted >cheerfully, > "Giant stroke entry!" REBECCA: Young lady, you wash out your mouth! GOUKA: Shouldn't I get you dinner first? > Jon glanced down at the perplexed image of Misato that >appeared on his comm panel and shrugged. "Don't mind her," he said. >"It's her way of handling stress." TSUNEO : An obvious idiot. REBECCA : Go away, wondergirl! You're not even in this scene! TSUNEO : ...I want my release. > "Depth 300, all systems nominal. Descending to 400..." Maya >said, monitoring the progress of EVA-02 as it descended deeper into >the lava flow. REBECCA: She's reached the gooey caramel. Over. > "Visibility is zero," Asuka reported. "Switching to CT >monitor... not much better," she sighed as the view sharpened a >little. "Visual range is only 120 down here. This is poor... " TSUNEO: She's dropping frames all over the place. REBECCA: Switching to SBS... reception's crap there too. > "You're doing fine, Asuka," Misato reassured her. "Remember, >because of convection and drift you'll only get one capture attempt." REBECCA: So save the game before you do. > "Understood," Asuka replied, grinning. "I can handle it." > "Depth 600... 800... 1000, now passing safe depth >limit... 1200... 1300." ALL: (stretch out to relax) Ahhh... > "Predicted target point reached," Truss reported. > "Asuka, any contact?" > "Negative," Asuka replied. "There's nothing here." > "It must have drifted farther than we thought; there must be >an error in the calculations," Truss said, already beginning to >recalculate the location of the Angel. TSUNEO: Remind me, where did they find this guy. REBECCA: Bashing his head against a pipe underneath the Wedge. TSUNEO: And why'd they hire him? REBECCA: Aoba and Hyuga left to form a band. > "Continue descent," Misato said evenly. "We have to find it." > "We're past maximum depth limit!" > "Continue descent," Misato repeated. > "Depth 1400... 1500..." TSUNEO: (sighs) I can watch this all day... chances are, I probably will be. > Faint groaning noises began sounding throughout the structure >of EVA-02 as the powerful Type D armor experienced stresses even it >was never really intended to withstand. With a crack, one of the >circulation pipes began to lose its integrity. GOUKA: The pipes had *completely* sold out. > "Secondary circulation pipe cracked!" > "Captain!" Truss turned to face Misato. "We have a pilot down >there!" SANDARA: A pilot who *cares!* > "I'm in charge of this operation, John," Misato answered. >"Continue descent." REBECCA: It's only Asuka. Carry on. TSUNEO: ...unusually cold for her. > "1600... 1700 - contact on radar!" TSUNEO: Enemy attack sub... Aluka class! > As Asuka watched the patterns of the flowing magma through the >front viewports, a large black distortion came into her field of view, >which her radar quickly confirmed to be the target. "Target >confirmed! Deploying capture field!" REBECCA: Unfurling butterfly net! TSUNEO: Prepping the ether jar! >The EM emitter telescoped >outward, becoming slightly wider than the Angel pupa, and projected a >glowing rectangle of energy which surrounded it. TSUNEO: What the... she ensnared it in an Energon Cube. > "EM field deployed! Target captured!" Maya announced. > Asuka heaved a sigh of relief, as did everyone on the surface. > "Begin recovery," Misato sighed, and the crane shifted into >reverse, pulling both Angel and EVA up from the depths as quickly as >possible. REBECCA: We'll deposit it safely into a crate of energy. > As Asuka watched her readouts, a communication window opened >up on her display; it was Jon. "Are you all right?" he asked. > "Of course I am," Asuka replied offhandedly, grinning. "It >was easy. It's always easier to just do things than worry about doing >them." > "That's true. You did--" > "What?" Asuka asked, her smile fading as she saw him abruptly >stop talking, the color vanishing from his face. > "Drop the cage! It's hatching!!" GOUKA: Back away from the Pichu! Now! > Before Asuka even had time to reply, alarms went off on her >own console, and the EM capture field began to fluctuate wildly. > "Damn! It's emerging sooner than we expected!" Ritusko said, >alarmed. > "EVA-02, abort, abort, abort!" Misato snapped. REBECCA: (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? TSUNEO: How'd you do that? REBECCA: I learnt it from Tango. >"Get back >to the surface and prepare for battle. Destruction of the Angel is >now top priority!" TSUNEO : Deploy Super X-2... Now! > EVA-02 immediately released its grip on the EM projector and >it fell away. Within the confines of the EM field the Angel completed >its metamorphosis into a creature vaguely aquatic in appearance, >bursting out of the cage a moment later. GOUKA: HOW ARE YA! > In the next instant it >spotted EVA-02 and swung to the attack. > "Release ballast!" Asuka shrieked as the thing barreled in. >The belt of weights around EVA-02's waist immediately unbuckled and >fell away, and EVA-02 rose upward, barely avoiding the Angel's charge. REBECCA: It's like wearing a padded sumo suit and fighting in syrup. Not fun. TSUNEO: But strangely amusing. > "Damn! It's fast!" Asuka cried, seizing her Prog Knife. > The thing was on her before she even realized it, opening its >lamprey-like mouth and biting at EVA-02's helmeted head. SANDARA: Yum! Crunchy shell, nice chewy center! > "I can't believe it opened its mouth in that environment!" >Ritsuko gasped, observing the video feeds. > "IN-credible... " Truss sort of concurred. GOUKA: The things I can do with my Spirograph! > Asuka grappled with the beast, slamming her Prog Knife into >its forehead with no observable results. Its serrated claws were much >more effective, latching onto EVA-02's left leg and crushing the thick >armor. REBECCA: Crush, crush, crush, stomp, stomp, stomp, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze! > "Left leg damaged! Cooling system rupture!" TSUNEO: Hip actuator broken! > "Anti-heat process!" Asuka shouted, SANDARA: ...that's the oddest attack name I've ever heard. > and EVA-02's left leg was >jettisoned immediately. Enraged by the necessity of having to do >that (and the sympathetic pain her synchronized neural link to the >wounded EVA caused her), Asuka brought her Prog Knife down hard on the >Angel's head over and over again, screaming the vilest German and >English obscenities she could think of at it. SANDARA: None of which we could actually print here. REBECCA : Poop bum fart! > "Asuka!" Jon shouted through the channel. "Hit it with the >coolant!!" > Asuka was about to ask what in the world that would >accomplish, when she remembered the poolside conversation back at the >Geo-Front. REBECCA: Good thing we had that handy set-up earlier in the episode. I'd have never thought of doing that otherwise. TSUNEO: Are you dissing on Anno? REBECCA: Yes. Deal. > "Right! Control, redirect all cooling pressure to pipe #3!!" > Maya didn't need to be told twice, diverting all the power to >the third pipeline immediately. Below, a deluge of supercooled fluid >was forced down the Angel's throat. TSUNEO: ...that's going to sting in the morning. >It twitched and flopped >ineffectually, but Asuka gave it no chance to recover. SANDARA: Well, this ain't good... > The monster's >flesh contracted, becoming brittle, and Asuka sent her Prog Knife >slamming home again. The Angel's core cracked and then broke apart, >and immediately the rest of the Angel's body lost integrity and >dissolved. GOUKA: Only to be reborn as an egg in Primary Village. > But not before getting in one final, giant slash which severed >four of the five coolant pipes and left the fifth one damaged. REBECCA : Tool. TSUNEO: Asuka doesn't talk like that. REBECCA : Acht, tool. TSUNEO: Better. > Asuka looked at her upper viewscreen in silence as the coolant >oozed uselessly out of the damaged pipes, and then ceased altogether. >Almost immediately the Type D armor began to buckle and crack, > and the last cooling pipe began to tear away. > >Well,< she murmured in German, a tear drifting away in the >LCL, >Mother always told me I would go to Hell one day. Looks like >she was right... < > An unexpected bump jarred EVA-02, and Asuka looked up to see >EVA-03, its red eyes glowing brightly, one hand latched firmly onto >the cables, the other holding on solidly to EVA-02. GOUKA: ...whoa. SANDARA: YES! The real NXE Icon! Jon! TSUNEO: Don't get too exited. He's just filling in for Shinji again. REBECCA: Oh sure, ruin all our fun. > "Jon, you dummkopf..." she murmured. "You'll get yourself >killed." > SANDARA: Jon Ellison's the coolest Child EVER. GOUKA: You almost forget he's a beer-slam of Rei and Mousse. SANDARA: Heh... almost. > "Dammit!" Misato growled, smacking her fist down on the >instrument panel. "Truss, get them out of there!" > "Already reeling them up," Truss replied. TSUNEO : He's a fighter... gotta be twenty pounds at least. REBECCA: No! Cut it loose! You've hooked Dr Z! > Outside, the winch >mechanism hit its limit as the two EVAs emerged from the volcano; >then, swinging aside, it dropped them on the ground, where both lay >smoking. SANDARA : So was it good for you too? >EVA-03's armor had begun to soften from the heat, but it >wasn't soft enough to sag badly under its own weight; the entry plug >still popped up (but did not completely eject) as normal, and the >outflowing LCL only steamed when it touched the hot armor. > Environment-suited techs swarmed around both EVAs, working >feverishly to extract their pilots. Other than a distinct need for a >cool shower and something to drink, TSUNEO: And an amusing bright red skin tone. REBECCA: Jon's gotta be getting used to being boiled by now. > neither was seriously injured. > "Well," said Misato to Truss, "that didn't go quite as >planned... but at least we didn't lose anybody." > "Any second now, I'll be able to breathe again," Truss agreed, >smiling. > > "I understand. No, it's not important. Thank you." > Gendou Ikari hung up the phone and looked across his desk at >Kaji Ryoji. GOUKA: I have ordered the Crazy Bread. All goes according to plan. > "Didn't get it, huh?" said Kaji. > "No," Ikari replied. "The Angel awoke ahead of schedule. >They were forced to destroy it." > "Too bad." Ryoji shrugged. "But what do you want with >another one, anyway? You've already got two." TSUNEO : I was hoping to auction one off on E-Bay. > "Like people, no two Angels are exactly alike," Ikari >replied. "Each offers new opportunities for study." > "Can you really say that about people any more?" Ryoji >wondered. > "That's not for me to decide." > "Mm." REBECCA: Is Kaji eating a sandwich back there? SANDARA: Mmm... needs some hot mustard. TSUNEO: (smirks) And... that was a helpful segue. > The White Star Royal Mail Steamship Olympic pulled into >Southampton, England, promptly at 4 PM, local time, the following >Thursday. Like all but seven of the 2,103 other passengers, DJ Croft >disembarked and cleared Customs without incident, reporting to the >baggage claim area for his Corley. GOUKA: Unfortunately, his luggage took a more interesting route to Barcelona, Spain. > While he waited, he noticed a man in a chauffeur's uniform >moving through the small crowd of first-class passengers. DJ >recognized him immediately: REBECCA: It's none other than former safe-cracker and International Rescue agent, Parker. TSUNEO: ...Don't say that or else they'll bring it in. REBECCA: Oops. > he was Franklin, Sir Henshingly Croft's >driver. Well, three guesses who he's looking for, thought DJ to >himself, and continued waiting. TSUNEO: Professor Plum, in the kitchen with the 16 ton weight? REBECCA : No, no and no. TSUNEO: Damn. > Before long, Franklin spotted him, but DJ's look of total >indifference must have dissuaded the man from trying to approach him >directly. DJ couldn't totally blame the poor fellow - after all, he >was only trying to earn a living - but still, anyone who would work >for Sir Henshingly had to be hard up for work, or just too lazy to >look elsewhere. GOUKA: Or just wanting a really big retirement package. > Moments later, the old man himself swept onto the dockside, >smiling a broad and entirely affected smile as he approached DJ, arms >wide for an embrace he wasn't going to get. SANDARA: I LOVE YOU THIS MUCH!... REBECCA: ...I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU... > "Derek, there you are!" he boomed. "Welcome home, my lad! >Come, let Franklin and I give you a ride home." > DJ gave the old man a perplexed look, then replied politely, >"I'm sorry, sir - I'm afraid you must have mistaken me for someone who >was expecting you to meet him here. I've my own transportation, >should be along any minute - but it's most kind of you to offer." TSUNEO: Three hours later... GOUKA: *Yup.* Any minute now... > Sir Henshingly's smile faded. One of the reasons DJ's >grandfather didn't particularly like dealing with the boy, other than >the fact that his rebellious mother had given him her disregard for >the privilege and respect of the peerage in spades, TSUNEO: ...Was that he was an overbearing, self-righteous, self-important, smug, obnoxious, smarmy git? > was the fact that >he had a singular knack for failing to recognize orders that were >phrased, for politeness' sake, as requests. TSUNEO: Got it in one! GOUKA: Eh, too easy. > "I'm afraid I really must insist," he said, his ebullience >rapidly having cooled. > "I'm afraid I really must decline," DJ replied, his polite >smile never slipping. "I have -so- many things to do this evening, >and I really couldn't trouble you and your man here to run me round to >every single one of my errands, to say nothing of taking me all the >way out to Northants once that's done." > "Enough with this act, Derek," Sir Henshingly growled. >"You're not -going- to Northants." GOUKA: You're going to Disneyworld. REBECCA: You're going to Blackpool. TSUNEO: Again with the Blackpool. REBECCA: The voice could give up on fics and just send us there for a week instead. > DJ's smile vanished as if someone had flipped a switch; his >eyes became instantly arctic as he replied in a soft, deadly voice, SANDARA: Ohh, he's switching to his Evil Bishonen Voice now. REBECCA: You're thinking too hard about this, Sandara. > "We've not even got to court yet, mate. You've no leg to >stand on. If the two of you try to force me out of here, I've only to >shout to bring the White Star security people down round your ears. >Back off, old man. Leave it." > Sir Henshingly stared malevolently at his grandson for a >moment, the hate in his eyes more for the mother who had raised the >boy to be so disrespectful than the boy himself. GOUKA: Then crackles of electricity sparkle between their eyes as they cue up their power auras-- WHAT'S THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!? TSUNEO: Yes, this is an Evangelion series in the same way that I'm a Tenchi Muyo character. >DJ never flinched. >A moment later, the porter called his name. TSUNEO: Hey you! Smarmy Guy! REBECCA : That's my cue. > Without another word, DJ turned his back on his grandfather >and went to collect his motorcycle; then he swung astride, started it, >and roared away without a backward look. > Sir Henshingly Croft stood on the dockside and fumed. > One day soon, he vowed, that boy -will- learn to respect me. TSUNEO: Thrill as DJ flips off his only other living relative. REBECCA: Scully's claims not withstanding. >/* The Marcels "Blue Moon" _Billboard Top Rock 'n Roll Hits: 1963_ */ > >NEXT EPISODE: > > DJ goes to court. REBECCA: Up next on Judge Judy. > Jon and Rei go into battle together. > Asuka goes just a little too far. REBECCA : What? You dare breathe too close to the great Asuka's person? WA-TAK! > And SHODAN is proven right. TSUNEO : Who's the god? Who's the god? > In seven days: > > NEON EXODUS EVANGELION 1:9 > CARRY ON WAYWARD SON > COMING 9/3/97 > > "I'm sorry, Asuka. You know I can't do that." REBECCA: And HAL promptly flushed her out of the apartment. As the credits rolled, Tsuneo stood up and exhaled a heavy breath. "Well, we're almost to the end of the season..." "Yeah..." Gouka responded simply. "Neon Exodus Evangelion." Rebecca noted. "The Gathering Storm." Sandara added in response, pondering the rug. "Pretty much." Tsuneo concluded. The dark haired man turned to regard the rest of the group, determined to pick up the conversation. "Well! I think we've some important things from this Eyrie Unlimited Production!" "Like what?!" Gouka scoffed. "Lots of things!" Rebecca countered, getting up from the couch to step before the TV... "I've learned that, yes, you *can* have an Evangelion fic without the presence of Shinji." Gouka stated. "Or Tokyo-3 for that matter." "The way to a woman's heart is a huge and elaborate bedroom." Rebecca commented. "You don't have to be likable to have people like you." Tsuneo stated, glaring at Gouka. "You can wear a plated skin-tight suit under regular clothing." Sandara added. "Reading unlocks a magical world of excitement." Sandara chimed. "But is very, very dull in fiction." "Easy listening and Evangelion don't mix" Tsuneo stated. "Which still doesn't forgive 26 versions of 'Fly me to the moon.'" "Just because you're 'special' doesn't mean you're any good." Gouka suggested. "SHODAN is mighty. SHODAN knows all. SHODAN is always right." Sandara informed. "...still not as good as Fury the wonder dog" Rebecca muttered. "All Eyrie fics are the same, just with a few names changed." Tsuneo commented. "DJ is Gryphon at 14, and NXE's Asuka is Undocumented Feature's Kei with the numbers filed off" "Evangelion episode eight was very, very bad. It takes true talent to make it worse." Rebecca added "Jon Ellison has a cute butt." Gouka finished. "I'm just saying, that's all." "Well, we're out of here, mortals!" Sandara enthused. "Me and Gouka have some dragon slaying to do!" "Okay, look, Sandara?" Rebecca finally intervened. "As much as I'm sure you're having fun multi-classing, I'm pretty sure Mohan wouldn't approve." "Oh p'shaw!" The fiery mage scoffed. "Sandara's having the time of her life. Besides, Rebecca, Mohan would have to be here to disa--" Gouka's bravado ground to a full stop as the door to the apartment swung open violently. The glowering tan figure of a familiar psionic weretiger stomped into the room. The furious tan warrior was covered in a think black sludge, and glared directly at Gouka. "--prove." Gouka finished meekly. "MOHAN!" The quartet gasped. Sandara rushed forward and tightly hugged the weathered dark haired man.. "Man! We haven't seen you since Episode 5!" Tsuneo welcomed, unaware of the stares the psionicist and the fiery mage were giving each other. "We were worried you got killed for good working as a monster in Everquest." "I never made it to that assignment." Mohan declared tensely. "On the way there, I was consumed by a black mass of magic and disappeared from this world. Only now have I returned. "Black mass of magic." Rebecca repeated. "So you fell in a plot hole, then?" "But who would do such a thing to you?" Sandara asked, sniffling while wiping her watery eyes with the back of her hand. An uncomfortable silence filled the apartment as all eyes turned to the elaborately dressed fire mage standing off away from the quartet. "Look, I can explain..." "Wizard... we need to talk. Now." Mohan snarled and brought a clenched fist up, proceeding to telekinetically drag the protesting Gouka into the nearby bedroom, and stomped in afterwards, slamming the door. Tsuneo and Rebecca winced and shuddered at the sounds of combat and explosions emitting from the room, accompanied by yelling and feral growls. "By Bob, they're having an unparalleled battle of mystic proportions." Rebecca gasped dramatically, before returning to a more normal posture. "Or they're having rough sex, you really can't tell with those two..." Tsuneo winced as a noticable amount of smoke trailing from under the door. "Do you want to call the cops now or should I, Rebecca?" "And tell them what? That Mowgli Grey-Summers and a reject from Sorcerer Hunters is duking it out in the voice's bedroom?" "Well, scratch that idea..." Sandara retreated to the living room couch and sank into it with a defeated sigh. "Y'know... multi-classing was never this complicated back home..." the elven magic-user wondered aloud as the apartment's remaining denizens scrambled for the cell phone. Will Sandara make her way back home? Will Rebecca succumb to Gouka's Aura of Smooth? Will the Voice's apartment be spared, and what of Mohan and Gouka's Pure Forbidden Love (tm)? Tune in next time for the not-so-epic Conclusion to NXE: The Gathering Storm! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- CONTACT THE RIFFERS Tim McLees: silvertooth@i-plus.net Alex Fauth: rickr@one.net.au > "There are some things I do wonder about, though." She looked >curiously down at her own chest, placing her hands on either side of >her swimsuit top, and mused, "I wonder if that means my breasts will >expand if I heat them." > Jon shot a "where did we get this one?" look over at DJ, who >shrugged and went back to reading.