--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode 149. It's the end of a long, wild ride. It's been fun, folks. And
what better way to end it all then with a return to a well remembered,
favorite place.

Evangelion is copyright Gainax, who know a dead horse when they flog it.
Neon Genesis Evangelion II: The Gates of Oblivion is copyright Tom Chale
Who doesn't even seem to realise when the horse is dead.
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[The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation
in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video
recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small
kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk,
home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver
Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A miniature
zeppelin floats around the apartment.]

[Rebecca, Tsuneo and Dan are sitting behind desks, each with a clipboard and
various pens. Rebecca looks bored out of her skull.]

Rebecca: Remind me why we're doing this again.
Tsuneo: You *know* why we're doing it.
Rebecca: But we already picked the replacement.
Tsuneo: No, what happened was that you messed up the whole procedure and rigged
it just so that we would hire Tango as a full time member of the crew.
Rebecca: I did not!
Tsuneo: You did too! Dan and I had to live through what amounted to a Tango
festival. Isn't that right?
Dan: Oh no, I'm staying out of this.
Tsuneo: So we are doing a fresh round of interviews so we can get a candidate
and move on with our lives.
Rebecca: I still say we should have hired MMK.
Dan, Tsuneo: NEXT!

[A tall, muscular man enters. He has heroic, spiky hair, a flashy looking suit
of improbable armour and a big sword.]

Tsuneo: Could I have your name, please.
Man: Bob the Swordsman.
Dan: Now according to this, Bob, you're a swordsman in a Final Fantasyesque
Campaign. What skills would you bring to this group?
Bob: I like swords.
Rebecca: Brilliant pick here, Tsuneo. Sure we weren't better off with Tango?
Tsuneo: So what experience do you have?
Bob: I like swords.
Rebecca: Say you were reading a Bubblegum Crisis Self Insertion, and the
Munky boy had just announced that he prefers "to come from behind". What would
you say?
Bob: Um, I like swords?
Tsuneo: Well, um, thanks for that, Bob. We'll, uh, be in touch.
Bob: Okay.

[He leaves]

Rebecca: See?
Dan: Yeah, well, you never know.
Tsuneo: Next!

[A scruffy looking man with long blue hair and a lot of face fuzz enters. It's 
Jake, the leader of the Free Beer and Shotguns party.]

Dan: Name?
Jake: Jake.
Rebecca: What skills could you bring to this job, Jake?
Jake: I crash cars for a living, I can blow stuff up and I can devour a twelve
Course banquet in under five minutes. And that's with coffee and biscuits.
Tsuneo: And what previous experience do you have?
Jake: I was a part of a resistance movement that was bad at blowing stuff up.
And I slept with a woman who looked like Shion.
Rebecca: And-
Dan: Well, thanks for that. See you later.

[Jake leaves. Dan screws up his form and throws it at the bin]

Rebecca: Jealous?
Dan: Never. NEXT!

[A tall, attractive woman enters. She has dark blue eyes and long, black hair.
She is wearing what appears to be a soviet army uniform with body armour and
A bandoleer]

Dan [Whispered to Tsuneo]: Not bad. I'd love to see what she looks like out
of uniform, ifyouknowhatimean.
Tsuneo: Shut up.
Rebecca: Name?
Woman: Talia Isavia.
Dan: Any relation to Natasha?
Talia: Never heard of her.
Tsuneo: So what do you do for a living at the moment?
Woman: I am assigned to a special unit of the Soviet Invasion Army of North
America.
Rebecca: I see. And what skills would you bring to this team?

[Talia glares at a bookcase, which explodes into splinters, leaving a huge
hole in the wall]

Dan [Urgent]: No further questions! We'll let you know!

[She turns and leaves]

Rebecca: Not planning to ask her out, were you?
Dan: No!
Tsuneo: Next. [Rubs forehead]

[Jake enters again, wearing a painfully fake beard]

Jake: I'm here about the-
Rebecca: Yes, thank you, Jake. We'll let you know.
Jake: Oh.
Tsuneo: And get rid of the fake beard. You're not fooling anyone.
Jake: Oh.

[He slouches out]

Rebecca: Looser. NEXT!

[A short woman enters, with blonde hair. She'd be cute if not for her rather
disturbing looking yellow-green eyes. She wears combat fatigues and a pair of
goggles pushed up on her forehead]

Rebecca: Name?
Woman: Vic Hagen.
Dan: Phew. Thought it was Karen sporting a new do there for a sec.
Tsuneo [Ignoring him]: Miss Hagen, what do you do for a living?
Vic: Nothing interesting. Overthrow third world governments, install friendly
dictators, eliminate threats to national and global security and kill people.
Lots of people. Yeah. I fight dinosaurs in my spare time. 
Rebecca: And what skills could you bring to this group?
Vic: I'm an excellent shot with a sniper rifle [She stares at Dan, and points
a "finger gun" at him] Bang!
Tsuneo: Well, uh, thank you, Miss Hagen. We'll, uh, be in touch.
Vic: Thankies!

[She grins in an insane way that suggests she's about to bite, then leaves]

Dan: Well that was freaky.
Rebecca: I liked her. I think she should get the job.
Tsuneo: No!
Rebecca: Maybe we could get her and Tango together.
Tsuneo: NO!
Dan: NEXT!

[A stunningly beautiful, leggy blonde supermodel walks in]

Dan: Marry me!
Rebecca: [Hits Dan] Name?
Woman: Jo.
Rebecca: Full name?
Jo: Joanne Mortis.
Dan: Mortis? As in... Rick?
Jo: Yes...
Dan: So you're his incredibly gorgeous baby sister?
Jo: I'm his wife.

[Dan collapses to the floor]

Dan: My life is over.
Jo: Um... You haven't seen my husband, have you?
Tsuneo: Not since he flew over the city in a packing crate, sorry.
Rebecca: A rocket-propelled packing crate.
Tsuneo: That was on fire.
Jo: Oh dear.
Tsuneo: I don't think that's normal, even for him.
Jo: Well, if you see him, please let me know.
Rebecca: Sure... You know, we never even got his address.
Jo: Oh, it's just the huge manor at the top of the hill.

[Dan bursts out crying]

Tsuneo: We'll let you know.
Jo: Thank you. [She leaves]
Rebecca: You can get up now.
Dan: Never.
Tsuneo: C'mon Dan. You'll find someone.
Rebecca: No he won't.
Tsuneo: Yeah, you're right. Now get up and make sure Rebecca doesn't hire Tango.
Rebecca: You're just asking for trouble like that. NEXT!

[Dan resumes his seat. Jake enters wearing a different painfully fake beard]

Rebecca: Go away.
Jake: But-
Tsuneo: OUT!
Jake: I need the money!
Dan: Don't we all?

[Jake slumps out]

Rebecca: This is all your fault, Tsuneo. Hideaki Anno OFF!

[Rebecca hits Tsuneo with her artificial arm. He staggers, clutching his head,
and a strange bulge emerges from his forehead.]

Tsuneo: AAAH! What's happening?
Dan: Great going. You broke him.
Rebecca: He was broken long ago.
Tsuneo: AARGH!
Dan: Now we need to hire *two* replacements.
Rebecca: Sure, we'll just hire Tango and Vic.
Tsuneo: NO!

[Tsuneo screams and the bulge rapidly expands until it bursts out of his head,
turning into...]

Tango: I still function!

[Tsuneo collapses over the coffee table and twitches slightly]

Rebecca: Hey, here's an applicant.
Dan: Er... If you tried, I think Tsuneo would explode. Again.
Tango: Resists fire, rain and corrosion for up to five years. Satisfaction
guaranteed.
Dan: See? I mean, he'll be mad when he recovers.
Rebecca: If he recovers.
Tsuneo: Don't even think of it.
Rebecca: So what skills do you think you could bring to this team?
Tango: Yes friends and now, destroy Unicron! Kill the grand poo-bah! Eliminate
even the toughest stains!
Rebecca: And-
Tsuneo: Thank you, that will be all.
Tango: Happy motoring! Bop-a-doodle-doo!

[Tango grabs Tsuneo by the head and presses his forehead against Tsuneo's]

Tango: It won't go back in!
Dan: Um... The door's that way.
Tango: You check in, but you don't check out!

[Tango runs out the hole in the wall]

Rebecca: Shame. There goes our top candidate.
Tsuneo: Just no, alright? [He picks himself up] I have a sudden craving for
super-spicy curry bread.
Dan: It'll pass.
Rebecca: NEXT!

[Rick enters]

Rick: Hey guys. What's happening?

[Long silence]

Rick: Guys?

[Long silence]

Rick: Why are you staring at me like that?
Tsuneo: How- what- Where have you been?
Rick: At work.
Dan: At work? All this time you've been at work?
Rick: I've been trying to space out the distance between books. But then they
handed me an eighties revival with an option for a Witchblade crossover, and I
realised I was out of excuses. So I came back here.
Tsuneo: We're his excuse?
Rebecca: Would you do this if you had an option?
Dan: So um, you coming back to work?
Rick: Yeah. You got a problem with that?

[They stare at the mass of papers on their table.]

Dan: Nope!
Tsuneo: No!
Rebecca: Not at all!
Rick: Cool. [Looks around, notes the hole in the wall and the destroyed] I see
things are just as I left 'em.
Rebecca: We considered redecorating, but decided not to.
Rick: One question: What's with the blimp?
Tsuneo: It was left over form when we covered the Australian Election.
Rick: You covered the Australian Election?
Rebecca: We had Peter Reith and Kerry O'Brien on as guest commentators.
Rick: Ow. How'd that go?
Dan: It rated very well in Mongolia.
Voice: Goo- What's he doing here?
Rick: Hey there, Quintesson Judge Man. How's it hanging?
Rebecca: And to answer your question, skull, he works here, remember?
Tsuneo: Barely.
Voice: Well, um, right. That's, um, nice.
Rebecca: Would you rather it was Tango?
Voice: Good point.
Tsuneo: So what's the fic for the day?
Rick: Yeah... It's been so long since I got the hurtin' that I almost forgot
what it was like.
Voice: Well, um, in light of recent trends in revivals, I have decided to go for
a revival myself. Today we're going to be watching an Evangelion fic.
Rick: Cool! Haven't seen one of those in ages.
Tsuneo: This can't end well.
Voice: Further more, this one is by an authour who's works you've already
reviewed.
Rebecca: Hoo boy.
Dan: So, um, who is it by?
Tsuneo: Please don't let this be more Neon Exodus.
Rebecca: Could be the *other* Neon Exodus.
Tsuneo: That could be good.
Voice: No, this is a new fic by the same authour as Neon Genesis Evangelion II:
DELTA Invasion.

[Long pause]

Tsuneo: You must be kidding me.
Rebecca: This is going to hurt.
Rick: Cool. More Delta.
Dan: Easy.
Voice: Actually, this is a completely new fic. He decided that Delta didn't fit
his vision for Evangelion, so he wrote a new fic.

[They glare at the speaker]

Rebecca: His *Vision*?
Dan: What better way to celebrate the Evangelion revival then with the
Dyron Revival?
Tsuneo: Smashing your head into the wall comes to mind.
Dan: Evangelion revival? Did they ever let up?
Rick: For a little while, pics of undressed Rei were getting thin on the
ground.
Rebecca: Can you imagine today's generation of Zombiekids with Eva fics?
Tsuneo: I think my head just exploded. Again.
Dan: Does that mean we'll get more highly suggestive shots of Rei and Asuka?
Rick: We can only hope

[They sit, Tsuneo and Rebecca on the forwards facing couch, Dan and Rick on
the other one. Rick jumps up and then picks something up from the couch]

Rick: Hey! It's my Mint in Box Giant Vamp! I wondered where it got to!
Dan: You've got a Giant Vamp?
Rick: Doesn't everyone?

[The TV switches on]

Rebecca: Actually, I heard they were going to re-release episodes 25 and 26
with footage.
Tsuneo: You mean extra footage.
Rebecca: No, I mean with actual footage.
Tsuneo: ...
Rick: Actually, I've been meaning to ask you something. Do you still like
Evangelion or are you over it like everyone else is?
Tsuneo: Hmm... I'd say I like the show it could have been, rather then
what it became.
Rebecca: Oh, you mean Brain Powerd?
Tsuneo: ...
Dan: Twice before the fic stated. Score!

> The Gates of the Oblivion: Prelude
> Neon Genesis II:

Dan: Couldn't we have a Brain Powerd fic instead?
Tsuneo: You watch Brain Powerd?
Rick: He only does for the all-nude opening.
Dan: Who wouldn't?

> The Gates of the Oblivion

> Genesis 1:0
> Prelude to Apocalypse

Tsuneo: I'd *hate* to be the warm-up act for the apocalypse.

>          Gaia, since the dawn of time, your fate has been determined by
> destruction.

Tsuneo: You know that the concept of "Gaia" has only existed since the
sixties.
Rebecca: To today's generation of Zombiekids, that *is* the dawn of time.

> In a world where a return to nothingness is the only true freedom,
> death is man's only salvation.

Rick: That and money. Lots of money.

> I, who escapes the streams of time and reality,
> pulled the strings of your puppets,

Rebecca: [Mysterious voice] Until they break, and I have to get new ones.

> Great One. For I am, was, and always will be.

Tsuneo: Who is this speaking, Gasaraki?

>             I watched silently, using your weak minded creations to my
> advantage.

Rick: Oh, he's into politics.

> For millions of years, they have served me to their deaths,but soon,
> their slavery shall end.

Rick: 'Cause Abraham Lincoln's back and this time: It's personal!

> For together, they will unite, and ascend, and rise
> against you. And soon, I will be the Lord of all and nothing.

Tsuneo: Care to be any more nebulous there?
Dan: [Colonel O'Neil] The invasion of Earth has been called off due to... Um...
Rain.

>             All as one, one as all. The incomplete souls of this flawed reality
> shall find freedom in Oblivion,

Rebecca: Because Oblivion is a tax haven and doesn't have an extradition
treaty.

> and your Angels shall fall. One by one, they
> will die for your cause, and return to me. All as one, one as all.

[Rick, Rebecca and Tsuneo raise rapiers into the air and cross them]

> And
> ultimately, you, who was born of my essence, shall unite in death with the
> billions of failures you created in vain.

Dan: So he's talking to Mel Brooks?

>             The forgotten ones who lay asleep in the depths of the inferno will
> rise from their graves of flames

Rick: [Luke Valentine] Hey, you're on fire.
Dan: [Yan Valentine] Aaah.

> and unleash their fury upon the earth. Up to
> now, you have only delayed the inevitable,

Rebecca: We *will* build a Chatswood to Paramatta rail link. Really!

> for I will roam reality once more and
> I will rid you all of the burden of existence.

Dan: Don't sound so cheery.
Tsuneo: Whoops, sorry, Orphan wandered into the wrong fic again.

>             For eternity, you sealed me away in this prison of infinite
> emptiness.

Rick: So he's in the Phantom Zone?

> But my influence grows stronger with each day that passes by,

Dan: [Mysterious voice] And every palm that I grease.

> and when the time of Armageddon comes,

Rebecca: It will be Steiner versus HHH: First one to get to the ring wins.

> I will split the Heavens, and crush your Temple.

Rick: And he'll use his Ion Cannon to get the alternate end movie.

> And you, who stands mortal before the might of the Oblivion will fall.
> All as one, one as all. Your fates are sealed in blood. Your dreams are
> hopeless.

Rick [Cyclops]: Dreams don't die!
Rebecca: GRANT MORRISON ON! [Hits him with metal arm]
Rick: Ow! What was that for?
Rebecca: Sorry. Force of habit.

> Your souls are incomplete. But in the end, existence shall become obsolete,

Dan: Existence is obsolete the moment you open the box.
Rick: But you can upgrade to Existence 2.0!

> for all is nothing.

Rebecca: Especially in New Zealand currency.

> * * *
>           November 27, 2017

Tsuneo: Besides the obvious DELTA reference, any reason why it's set in 2017?
Rebecca: So it's less "icky" when his new character does Asuka.

>           Fuyutsuki: Ikari, are you sure you want to proceed with the
> reconstruction of Unit 03?

Rebecca: And it's a lovely sunny morning here on the Floating island. We've had
a spectacular turnout for today's event. The athletes are lining up for the first
event of the day, the hundred meter resurrection. We have EVA-03 in the outside
lane, then Megatron, Spike Speigel, Magneto, Nicholas D. Wolfwood, Sephiroth and
newcomer, Hot Ice Hilda.
Rick: This is Hilda's first race, but we're expecting great things from her in
this, and indeed all the Resurrection events. 

>           Gendo: Yes. If Arcane's predictions were correct, then it is needed.

Tsuneo: A stupid, unnecessary plot device.
Rebecca: Ding! I'll take "What's Arcane" for a hundred!

>           Fuyutsuki: It was invaded by an Angel. We are taking a big risk.

Dan: It was ripped apart. Aren't you taking a bigger risk there?
Rick: But they've got duct tape!

>           Gendo: Not with the pilot we have found.

Tsuneo: Okay people, bets on the new pilot.
Rebecca: He's special.
Rick: Kaji is his bestest friend, and they're going to fly to the sun.
Dan: She's young and nubile? [They all stare at him] Hey, it would be a nice
change.
Tsuneo: Sad thing is, he's right.


>           Fuyutsuki: You've already found a pilot?
>           Gendo: Yes, you already know him.

Rick [Fuyutski]: I do?
Dan [Gendo]: Yes, you do.
Rick [Fuyutski]: I do?
Dan [Gendo]: Yes, you do.
Rick [Fuyutski]: I do?
Dan [Gendo]: Yes, you do.
Rick [Fuyutski]: Who is he?
Dan [Gendo]: I have no idea.

>           Gendo sat quietly in his office inside the Nerv facility in Tokyo-3.
> The carpet had the Sephirotic tree drawn on it, in a shade of blue.

Dan: Actually that's just a really bad coffee stain.

> In front of
> Ikari's desk, the Vice-Commander stood, his arms folded over his chest. As he
> replied, Commander Ikari pulled a folder from a drawer inside his desk and
> handed it to Fuyutsuki.

Rebecca: [Gendo] It's about you and those three bikini models.
Rick: [Fuyutski] Are you implying I have a life?
Rebecca: [Gendo] Foiled again!

>           Fuyutsuki: You call this not taking a risk?!
>           Gendo: He may be mentally unstable

Tsuneo: But there's no risk at all.
Dan: I thought that was a requirement for the job.
Rick: They'll get him up to the regulation minimum insanity levels soon
enough.

> but he will get the job done.

Rick: Or your money back!

>           Fuyutsuki: If he is unstable, how is he going to pilot?

Dan: [Gendo] Honestly, look at our other pilots, you twit.
Rebecca: [Asuka] I'm invincible!!!
Rick: [Shinji] HelpI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadie!
Tsuneo: [Rei] ...blood...
Dan: [Fuyutski] That's one all, sir.

>           Gendo: See for yourself. Look at the last page.

Rick: [Fuyutski] Is that the page with the crisp hundred dollar note stapled
to it?
Rebecca: [Gendo] Yes, he's promised to give us an animation budget.

> Dr. Akagi had him go through a harmonics test simulation.

Dan: For some reason, he registered as an avocado.

>             The old Vice-Commander flipped to the last page of the folder, his
> eyes blinking a few times, before dropping the papers down on Gendo's desk.

Rick: [Fuyutski] I can't believe it's not butter.

>           Fuyutsuki: Are those data readouts correct?

Dan: [Gendo] Yes, he managed to keep up with Dance Dance Revolution for
three hours straight.
Rebecca: Turns out he is in fact a twelve year old Japanese girl.

>           Gendo: Dr. Akagi ran them seven times through the MAGI. They are
> accurate.

Rick: EVA-03 does indeed have a chewy caramel center.

> Of course, we will not have real results until we re-initialize Unit
> 03's core.

Tsuneo: Then we'll need to reinstall the OS. And this time, no overclocking!
Rick: [Hyuga] Damn!

>           Fuyutsuki: How are we going to explain the disappearance of the mass
> produced Units to Seele?

Rebecca: [Gendo] Don't ask me, they had them last.

>           Gendo: We don't know anymore about it than they do.
>           Fuyutsuki: They're not going to buy that.

Tsuneo: [Gendo] It was... Those two people over there!
Rebecca: [Reese] Who, us?
Dan: [Hiltz] I have no idea what you're talking about.

>           Gendo: The old men will not have much of a choice but to buy it.

Rick: And if they don't, we'll cut off their supply of prune juice and
strained carrots.

>           Fuyutsuki: And what are you going to tell them, about the reappearance
> of Unit 04?

Rick: Rock. Canada. Go. Now.

>           Gendo: What is there to say?

Dan [Gendo]: Read my lips. No new Evangelions.

> They are probably the ones behind this.

Tsuneo: Which is why you have to explain it to them... Wait a sec...
Rebecca: [Gendo] We were hoping you could tell us.

>           Fuyutsuki: Have they found a pilot for it?
>           Gendo: I believe Dr. Akagi has found a candidate.
>           Fuyutsuki: Who?
>           Gendo: Hiditio Nikaido.

Dan: Dum-dum-dah!
Tsuneo: Why did you do that?
Dan: It was supposed to be significant, but I can't figure out why.

>          Fuyutsuki: You plan on using him as Unit 04's pilot?

Rick: [Gendo] Didn't I just say that?
Tsuneo: [Fuyutski] I couldn't hear you, there was a dramatic chord.

>          Gendo: Seele is going to ruin everything if they keep being so
> impatient. We must have a back up plan.

Rick: So who do you reckon is the more incompetent villain: Dyron's Keele
Lorenz, or Dr. Weird?
Dan: [Dr. Weird] How could anyone penetrate my impregnable fortress? AARGH!
The banana peel!
Rick: ...so that's Keel then.

>          Fuyutsuki: I can understand your approval for Nikaido, but I doubt the
> 6th Child's reliability.

Rick: But is he *special?*

>          Gendo: I don't appreciate his manners any more than you do,
> Fuyutsuki.

Dan: [Gendo] He never writes, he never calls, he always leaves the toilet
seat up.

> But he gets the job done.

Tsuneo: Oh, so he's one of *those* EVA pilots.

>          Fuyutsuki: I hope you're right.

Dan: [Gendo] I'm always right.
Rebecca: [Fuyutski] But what about-
Dan: [Gendo] Okay, not that.
Rebecca: [Fuyutski] Or the time-
Dan: [Gendo] That one too.
Rebecca: [Fuyutski] And that time in-
Dan: [Gendo] Look, can we just call the whole nineties a write-off and be
done with it, okay?

>          Gendo: At this point, we are running out of alternatives. We must use

Dan: ...the Force!
Rick: ...the Schwartz!

> everything that we have for our dream to come true.

Rick: [Gendo as Martin Luther King] I have a dream! [They all throw cushions
at him]

> End of Genesis 1:0

> Genesis 1:1 : A Change of Plans

> Neon Genesis II:
> The Gates of the Oblivion

Tsuneo: At last, we have chapter!

>         Misato: So they're moving Eva-04 here?
>         Ritsuko: Seems like it.

Dan: [Misato] Why am I always the last one to know?
Rebecca: [Ritsuko] The briefing was on your desk three weeks ago.
Dan: [Misato] Aww... But I was drunk...
Rebecca: [Ritsuko] And it was announced during the meeting.
Dan: [Misato] I slept through the meeting.
Rebecca: [Ritsuko] I told you about it yesterday.
Dan: [Misato] But I didn't listen to you because you're boring.

>         Misato: Do we have a pilot yet?

Tsuneo: We have a whole class full of them.
Rick: I personally believe that they'd pick anyone rather than use Kensuke,
regardless of their suitability.
Rebecca [Misato]: You, anonymous third girl on the left. You're now an EVA
pilot. Report for duty at 0700, funeral at 1300. Bring your own limbs.

>             Major Katsuragi and Dr. Akagi both stood in a small room in the
> Geo-front, slowly taking sips of coffee from large white cups.

Dan: [Ritsuko] Starbucks opened a branch in the geofront?
Rebecca: [Misato] Yeah, those things get everywhere. They're like
cockroaches.

> Ritsuko put her
> cup down on a desk near her and sat down in front of a computer located in the
> corner of the room.

Rick: Work space has been so crowded since the bombing, but at least they've
moved out of the canteen.
Rebecca: Fortunately, the coffee machine survived!
Rick: Yay!
Rebecca: So did Chandler.
Rick: Damn.
Tsuneo: I'm not even going to pretend to know.

> She entered a password quickly,

Rick: [Ritsuko] P-A-S-S-W-O-R-D. No-one will guess that.

> as a profile appeared on the
> screen. Misato leaned over to take a look, scratching the back of her head
> a bit.

Dan: Frags: 947, hit rate: 98%, losses: 3, wins: 97, number of hours spent
outside: 0.

>        Misato: He's 22? Born before the Second Impact?

Tsuneo: BZZZZT! Wrong! Sorry! But thanks for playing.

>        Ritsuko: His abilities seem to match the ones required to pilot.

Tsuneo: Apart from the obvious, that is.

> He
> inherited a large company from his dead father and is providing us with
> machinery.

Dan: So in return he gets to joyride in the giant robot?
Rick: Everyone knows that you only start a giant mutli-national industrial
corporation so you can ride around in the big toys.

>        Misato: What about Evangelion 03?
>        Ritsuko: What about it?

Dan: [Misato] I'm just saying, that's all.
Rick: [Ritsuko] Don't mind me, I'm just padding out the dialogue.

>        Misato: How much longer until it's done?
>        Ritsuko: I'd say it's a matter of a few weeks.

Dan: [Misato] You don't know?
Rick: [Ritsuko] It's a union shop, and they said yesterday so...

>        Misato: Have you found a pilot?

Rebecca: Actually they were going to hold a chook raffle.

>        Ritsuko: Yes, the 6th Child.
>        Misato: Oh, who is he?

Rebecca: [Ritsuko] We were going to use a kid call Yushiro Gowa, but he
died. So we're using Yushiro Gowa instead.

>            Ritsuko once more entered a password into the computer, as the screen
> blinked for a few seconds, slowly loading the file of Unit 03's new pilot.
> Misato frowned and shook her head, sighing.

Rebecca [Misato]: So he's been in the air force, is a world famous rock star,
won kick-boxing tournaments AND is an expert computer hackers? Where do we find
these people?
Tsuneo: I'm beginning to think that EVA-04 isn't the only thing under the
Rock in Canada.

>        Misato: No personal data?

Tsuneo: Ah, no. Nope. Nuh-uh. Sorry, we're not buying this!
Dan: He wrote it all down on a piece of paper... But he lost it.

>        Ritsuko: Well, we have part of his childhood, and partial information
> about him from the past few years. But we have no data whatsoever from age seven
> to fourteen.
>        Misato: September 13, 1994? Poor guy. The Second Impact

Tsuneo: Ahh... Familiar territory again.

> happened on his birthday...

Tsuneo: [Misato] Hang on, I lost my dad and almost got killed! Why am I
feeling sorry for him?
Rebecca: Happy birthday son glub glub glub...

> When are they getting here?

Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Well, his stopover in Hawaii has been delayed.
Tsuneo: [Misato] Any reason?
Rebecca: [Ritsuko] No Hawaii.

>        Ritsuko: The 7th should be here tomorrow, to initialize Eva-04's core
> with his data. The 6th is currently in Los Angeles.

Tsuneo: What's he doing there?
Rebecca: Treading water.

> He is supposed to arrive in a week or so.

Dan: But the package got held up in customs.

> * * *

> Genesis 1:1
> The Second Coming

Rick: ...of ELVIS!

>             December 1st, 2017
>             It was his first time inside the Geo-front and he was quite amazed
> by how deep underground it was.

Dan: Hey, is that Excel falling from the ceiling?

> He was slowly lowered towards Central Dogma and
> he could now see the blue pyramid at the bottom of a gigantic cavity inside the
> earth.

Rick: And if you look over there, you can see the original Deathsaurer. And
to the right; the Mole-Men.
Tsuneo: The Earth needs to brush more if it has a cavity like that.

> He brushed a few purple bangs out of his face,

Tsuneo: "Purple bangs..."

> as the small elevator he
> was in stopped inside the main facility. The doors of the elevator opened,
> and he stepped out into a large hall.

Rebecca: It was full of dead dwarves.

>                 Before he could choose a destination,

Tsuneo: You are in a hallway. There is a Goblin in front of you with a club. There
is some pocket lint on the floor. You can go East or West.

> a woman, who was leaning
> lazily against a wall, walked up to him, smiling brightly. But what caught the
> attention of his sky blue eyes

Tsuneo: "Sky-blue eyes..."
Rebecca: Something up?
Tsuneo: As far as I can tell, this guy looks fiercely generic.

> was not the woman herself, but rather her large breasts.

Rick: This guy's pure class.
Dan: What did you say? I was distracted...

> As a grin slowly formed on his face, the blue haired woman slapped him
> across the right cheek.

Rebecca: Good shot, Madam! [She applauds]
Tsuneo: He's, uh, making a good impression.

> He suddenly snapped out of his stare, taking a step back
> as he brought his hand to his sore jaw.
>             Man: Now what was that for?
>             Woman: Did you see where you were looking?!

Rick: [Man] You're two of the finest creatures I've ever met.

>             Man: [embarassed] Er.. I'm sorry..
>             Woman: I am Major Katsuragi. You're the 7th Child, right?
>             Man: Erm.. [saluting] Yes, Major.
>             Misato: Oh, don't do that. Hiditio Nikaido, right?
>             Hiditio: Hai.

Tsuneo: Pure Delta.
Rick: Gets me right here. [Pats his chest and belches.] Wait, that's just gas.

>             The 7th Child, who was somewhat too old to be called an actual
> child [author's note: I smoke too much marijuana to make sense for both you
> and me,

Tsuneo: ...you know, that explains everything about Delta.
Rebecca: Everything?
Dan: The Progressive Grenades?
Rick: The Nuclear-Based Cannon?
Rebecca: The Invadors?
Dan: The "floor"?
Rick: The Blade of Souls?
Rebecca: The AT-Field Fu??
Dan: The Resurrection of EVA-03?
Rick: The Space Trip?
Rebecca: The FIGHT SCENE?
Dan: DELTA Theology?
Rick: Matt and EVA-14?
Rebecca: Rei's origin story?
Dan: The Brutal Killer Martial Arts Tournament?
Rick: Jeff Garyn and his 45mm silencer?
Rebecca: Tom's international music career?
Tsuneo: Ok, well, nothing really.

>  so bear with it, it adds to the mystery *cough* right. Back to the story!],

Rebecca: Please! No need to on my account!

> wore large black pants with orange boots, along with a skintight black tanktop,
> covered by some kind of old purple pilot jacket. He looked very

Tsuneo: Generic!
Rick: Funy thing is, he wears those orange boots everywhere; to the shops, to the
beach, to his dates, to trips to outer space...

> awkward, compared to the rest of the Nerv staff.

Rick: That's because he was drawn by the inbetweeners.

>             Misato: Great, follow me.
>             Hiditio: Err.. where?

Rebecca: Emerald City!

>             Misato: To initialize the core of the Eva you will be piloting.
>             Hiditio: Oh, right. I was told I'd have to wear some kind of suit.

Rick: Yeah, they want you to wear this llama costume.
Tsuneo: Any reason for that?
Rick: Well, it's a laugh, isn't it?

>             Misato: Yes, the plug suit. Dr. Akagi will give you all you need.
> But for now, follow me.
>                 She led him through many halls inside the facility and finally
> brought him into Evangelion Unit 04's cage, exposing him

Rick: Ack! Put your pants back on!

> to the gigantic
> creature that he had been designated to pilot.

Rebecca: The King Gojulas!

> The white Unit's two black eyes
> would have made it look dead, but its devilish grin remained, sending shivers
> down Hiditio's spine. He took a few steps back,

Tsuneo: -and fell off the catwalk.
Dan: Gets 'em every time!

> taking deep breaths.
>             Ritsuko: So here's here, finally.

Dan [Ritsuko]: That's it. I never use HobbyLink Japan again!

>             Misato: Yeah.. I'd been waiting for him for over an hour.

Rebecca: Lay off him, he got lost.
Tsuneo: In a broom cupboard?
Rebecca: ...he gets lost easily.

>                 Ritsuko stood a few feet to Hiditio's right, looking down at a
> few papers she held in her right hand.

Dan [Reading]: World domination plan, version one...

>             Hiditio: I'm sorry..
>             Misato: It's okay.
>             Hiditio: Hello, Dr. Akagi.

All: Well hello, Newman!

>             Misato: You already know each other?

Rick: They were both child stars. They met on the set of a 1-800 commecrial.

>             Ritsuko: I told you he owned a rather large company,

Dan: He owns Keenspot comics.
Tsuneo: But how is that providing Nerv with heavy machinery?
Dan: It's badly drawn heavy machinery!

> Tritoch. It's
> providing us with more advanced machinery that has allowed us to start
> rebuilding Unit 03.

Rebecca: They make the world's biggest rolls of duct tape!

>             Misato: Oh, yeah, I remember. So what about his harmonics test?

Rick: Well, he can carry a tune.

>             Ritsuko: We're about to start.
>                 With those words, the head scientist of Nerv reached to her
> side, throwing a small white bag to Hiditio, who swiftly caught it in his right
> hand.

Rebecca: Nothing like a bag of cool, refreshing Crack.
Tsuneo: Oh great. I can see the end results now.
Rick [EVA-04]: Whoah. Colours, man. I AM the rock in Canada!

>             Ritsuko: Your plug suit. You can go change in the dressing rooms
> over there, at the end of the hall.

Dan: You can change right here, but that may not be a good idea.
Rick: Maybe there's some test for male EVA pilots that means the must expose
themselves to Misato first.

> [pointing to a hall leading out of the Eva's cage]
>             Hiditio: Hai..

Tsuneo: Wow... that was just like Delta... only more 90% more literate.
Rick: It brings a tear to my eye.

>                 * * *

>              Ritsuko: How do you feel?

Rick: Like a Tooheys or two!

>                 Hiditio leaned his head back inside of his entry plug, breathing
> with a lot of difficulty from the taste of the orange liquid that was now
> filling his lungs.

Rick: Little does he know, but we've replaced his LCL with No Frills Orange Flavour.
Lets see if he notices.

>             Hiditio: This tastes horrible.

Rebecca [Ritsuko]: I told you we should have stuck to the original LCL recipe. This
"new LCL" was a disaster.

>             Ritsuko: It's 


Rick: F-

> LCL. You can't synchronize with your Unit without it.
>                 Ritsuko and Misato now stood in the main control room of the
> facility, near Maya, Shigeru

All: IT'S AOBA! [They cheer wildly]
Tsuneo: The fact that he's getting another name is just the icing on the cake.

> and Makoto who were sitting in front of keyboards,

Dan: Hyuuga just pwned the lot of them.

> entering data which could be seen appearing on the large screens of MAGI.

Tsuneo [Hyuuga]: "Add eggs to the flower and beat". What the hell is this?
Rebecca: Wait a second, they're just playing Bomberman!

>             Ritsuko: How is the core?

Rick: Not too good. Its got this red-haired weirdo sticking out one side.

>             Makoto: It seems to be adapting to the 7th Child's data easily.

Tsuneo: Good thing we made the system backwards-compatible with all previous
children and Windows 98.

>             Ritsuko: What's the status on the pilot?

Dan: Smarmy, sir!

>             Maya: His harmonics level is at 17.6% and rising. It's increasing as
> the core is being initialized with his data.

Rebecca: Oh no! Blue Screen of Death!

>             Misato: Hiditio, are you all right?

Tsuneo: He's a 22 year old EVA pilot. He's not all right, he's a freak!
Rebecca: I bet that's just his false ID anyway.

>                 From inside his entry plug, Hiditio grunted, disgusted by the
> LCL that had invaded all of the space around him.

Rick: Being French, he surrendered immediately.
Dan: Space Invaders... I loved that game.

> The plug suit did not bother him much,

Rebecca: In fact, it pinched him in just the right places. [Tsuneo hits her with a
cushion]

> but he could not stand the taste of the orange liquid that seemed to
> similar to blood.

Rick: Ritsuko's dirty little secret: They use artificial blood flavouring.

>             Ritsuko: Ignore the LCL. You have to clear your mind and focus only
> on the task at hand, or we won't get any good results.

Rebecca [Ritsuko as Yoda]: Clear your mind. Feel the power of the Eva surround you.

>             Hiditio: [grunting] That's easier said than done..
>                 Finally, he took a deep breath, allowing his lungs to slowly get
> accustomed to the liquid that Hiditio was now forced to inhale and exhale in
> order to live inside his entry plug.

Tsuneo: Can we pick a person perspective and stick with it please?
Rick: Rick agrees with him.
Tsuneo: I earnestly hate you.
Rick: Its great to be back.

> He gripped the handles inside his plug
> firmly and closed his eyes,

Rebecca: He spends a lot of time gripping his handle with his eyes shut. [Tsuneo
hits her with a cushion]

> attempting to open up his mind to Unit 04.

Dan: My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts...
Rick: Let's try the Lagomorph mind meld! We need a monster truck, a toilet,
some wrestlers and some slime!

> His
> breathing became slow and consistent, his heart pulse lowering as well,

Tsuneo: Relax, breath deep, think calming thoughts.
Rick: He's dead.
Tsuneo: But at least he's relaxed.

> his harmonics level rising to the rhythm of his heartbeats.
>            Maya: His sync. ratio is now at 35.3%, it's still going up.

Tsuneo: Sync ratios went up, while the Australian Dollar lost ground against
the Euro.

>            Makoto: Core completely initialized.
>            Misato: How is he doing?
>            Shigeru: No mental contamination detected.

Tsuneo: And Aoba ACTUALLY GETS A LINE!
Rick: The crowd changes colour! [They all cheer]
Rebecca: Best bit is, he also got a name beyond "Long haired guy".

>            Ritsuko: Good, raise his harmonics by 3%. See how far he can go.
>            Maya: Hai.

Rebecca [Maya]: We have fanboy Japanese, ma'am.

>                He growled, feeling his muscles tense up, pain rushing through
> his ears as though he was swimming deep underwater.

Tsuneo: Then he started Noh dancing, and the purple lights came on in the sky.

> But his mind slowly adapted
> itself to the higher pressure brought inside his plug. His fingers relaxed once
> more, followed by the rest of his body. He was getting used to the mental
> connection that he could feel being established between him and the creature he
> was going to pilot. It had a soul,

Dan: It was wearing tennis shoes, after all.

> and he could feel it. He could feel the
> incredible potential, the godly power hidden inside the sleeping Unit.

Dan [Hiditio]: I'm the god, I'm the god! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Rebecca [Ritsuko]: He's going to fit in just fine.
Rick: Lesson one. Do not try to control the Deathsaurer. It ends up controlling
you.

>            Maya: Pilot is reaching critical zone,

Rick: He's wandered into Chinese airspace and they're scrambling interceptors.

> sync. ratio at 47.9%.
>            Ritsuko: Good. We're done. Shut off nervous connections, eject the
> plug.

Rebecca [Ritsuko]: Let's call it a day. Everyone, go home.
Dan [Hiditio]: Hello? Hello? I'm still in here? Anyone?

>                As the LCL flowed out of the entry plug, Hiditio sighed with
> relief,

Rebecca: Not all of that yellow liquid was LCL.

> running his fingers through his hair as he did. He sat up, opening his
> sky blue eyes.

Tsuneo: He likes mentioning those eyes.
Rebecca: And why not? They're sky blue, after all.

>            Misato: Good job, Hiditio! You're done, for today.
>            Hiditio: Finally.. LCL tastes disgusting.
>            Ritsuko: You aren't the first one to complain about it, trust me.

Tsuneo: There was this Dyron kid and he winged about everything.
Rick: You know, I've always imagined Tom usually drank a six-pack before getting
in his EVA. And even then he had a couple of cans with him for emergencies.

>            Hiditio: Oh, I'm not surprised.
>                The plug was ejected, and the 7th Child walked out of Eva-04,

Dan: Ladies and gentlemen, Hiditio has left the EVA!

> taking long deep breaths of fresh air as he made his way back onto the platform
> surrounding the Unit inside its cage.

Rick: Smell that fresh island air!
Tsuneo: That's jet fuel, you dummy.

>            Misato: You may go change, now.

Dan: Or, if you want, you can walk around in your plug suit with LCL in your hair.
Your choice.
Rick [Hiditio]: Strangely tempting...

>            Hiditio: Thank you, Major.
> * * *

>            Seele 09: The S2 Engine systems have disappeared.
>            Seele 04: Do you have anything to say for yourself, Ikari?

Rick [Gendo]: I'm sorry. I won't do it again.

>            Keel: You have lost the Lance of Longinus, and now the mass produced
> Evangelions.

Dan: All in all, Gendo's done a pretty terrible job of being an evil overlord.
Next thing he'll be telling them he lost the Megaweapon too.

>            Gendo: Nerv had nothing to do with the disappearance of the Units.
>            Seele 07: The Evangelions were in your hands.

Tsuneo [Gendo]: I could swear I left them on the coffee table. I turned around for
five seconds and then they were gone.

>            Keel: How do you explain the fact that only the Units disappeared,
> and not the several branches of Nerv that had built them?

Dan: They were lost in the post. It's obvious.

>            Seele 09: Are you lying to us, Ikari?

Tsuneo [Gendo]: Me? Never!

>            Seele 11: And what of the reappearance of Unit 04 and the U.S.
> branch?

Rick [Gendo]: It's all there in the report.
Dan [Monolith]: We refuse to believe that it was "right there all along".
Rick [Gendo]: You just weren't looking hard enough.
Dan [Monolith]: Silence! We are an omnipotent conspiracy! We are not fooled
so easily!
Rick [Gendo]: Your fly is undone.
Dan [Monolith]: GAH!
Rick [Gendo]: Gotcha.

>            Gendo: Once again, Nerv had nothing to do with it. There are
> thousands of possibilities that the MAGI could give to explain this.

Tsuneo: I just don't think they're going to accept "You weren't looking hard enough"
as one of them.

>            Keel: You are running out of excuses, and we are running out of time,
> Ikari.

Dan [Monolith]: If you do not deliver the Pizza in the next five minutes, we get
three dollars off.
Rick [Gendo]: That was in the scenario.

>              As the monoliths disappeared,

Rebecca: And the elderly Hispanic cleaning woman plugged the cord that she tripped
over back in.

> the phone inside Ikari's desk rang.

Rick [Gendo]: Hello, commander Ikari here.
Dan [Symbol Commander]: Sorry, wrong Omnipotent Conspiracy. [Click]

> The Commander of Nerv picked up, keeping his cold and placid stature.
>            Gendo: Already? Activate Unit 04. We don't have a choice, Fuyutsuki.

Rebecca: Its the bottom of the ninth, the scores are tied and the bases are loaded.
Dan: We need Bean-Boy now!

> It'll buy us enough time for the Children to get here.

> * * *

>              Since the death of the 17th Angel in 2015, Tokyo-3 had lived
> through two years of peace, even though most of the city still remained in ruins

Rick: But they were peaceful ruins!
Dan: Who's the kid with the guitar over there?

> from the self destruction of Unit 00 in a desperate attempt to destroy the 16th
> Angel. But nothing lasts forever,

Rick: Except for the second half of a Kevin Costner film.

> and the illusion of peace was soon to be broken.
>              First, there was a loud high pitched sound. A scream echoing from
> the very heart of the planet, ringing through the ears of all who lived to
> witness it.

Rebecca: Celine Dion was on tour.

>              Then, the ground shook throughout the land of all Japan and the
> earth split, cracking open for

Rick [singing]: Rock Lords, rocks that come to life...

> the return of a forgotten deity.

Rebecca: Marduk's back, and he's pissed!

> Two enormous
> arms of black coal ripped from the growing cavity, slamming down onto the
> streets of Tokyo-3.

Tsuneo: Given that Tokyo-3 is built OVER the geo-front, don't you think that
someone would have noticed the Elder God buried just under the surface? I mean,
if not in the Geo-Front proper, they surely they'd see it while building.
Rebecca: Are you thinking about the fic again?
Rick: Was he like this while I was away?
Rebecca: Usually he had Tango to give him something to distract his mind.

> As its fingers gripped the sides of buildings, it pulled
> itself out from its grave, leaping high into the sky.

Rebecca [Zunder]: Maybe it would be a good idea for us to leave.
Rick [Zatton]: It's not every day you get to see legends come to life. Besides,
What harm can it do to watch?
Rebecca: Super triple point obscurity bonus!

> The charcoal creature
> landed atop of a mall, tearing through the building, as hundreds of frightened
> teenagers were crushed by the crumbling structure.

Tsuneo: I'm assuming that everyone else of any other age bracket was fine.
Rick: Don't you know? But 2017, the only people in malls will be mallrats
and fast food checkout operators.

>               The dark giant had the overall figure of a human, yet it was
> headless. On its stomach, a large grey sphere could be seen, similar to the core
> of the Angels that had appeared fifteen years after the Second Impact.

Rebecca: It also had [rolls dice, ding] the head of a previously undiscovered
species of lemur [ding], the arms of Funskool Lifeline, the legs of Torgo and
a frost-free fridge [Ding]. All right! TRIPLE BONUS!
Rick: What was that?
Rebecca: The Running Gag alarm.
Rick: I've been away too long.

>               With another scream, the creature raised its arms towards the sky,
> as large streams of ash-grey energy flew into the air, curving down towards the
> ground in midflight, erupting from the cavity that the coal humanoid had risen
> from.

Dan: Games that should not be played part four: Live action Sim City.

> All of the streams collided with the earth supporting the city of Tokyo-3.

Dan: This looks like a job for... MUNICIPAL DEFENCE FORCE DAIETZEN!
Rick [Zatton]: Aaaaaack! I'm on fire!

> * * *


>            Misato: How in the hell did it get here?!

Dan: At a guess, I'd say it rose from out of the ground.

>            Maya: A.T. Field detected!
>            Misato: An Angel?
>            Makoto: The MAGI doesn't have any data about this creature's
> blood pattern.

Tsuneo: ...this is *so* DELTA...

>             The appearance of the dark giant had surprised Nerv as much as the
> citizens of the city. The MAGI had not picked up anything until the earth had
> begun to tremble. Vice-Commander Fuyutsuki, Major Katsuragi and Ritsuko Akagi
> all stood in front of the screens within the main control room of the facility,
> witnessing the assault is disbelief.

Tsuneo: Gendo had, of course, planned for this.
Dan: He had?
Tsuneo: Yep. He was about to enact plan "Run for the hills".

>              Fuyutsuki: They appeared sooner than expected.
>              Misato: You knew about this?

Rick: Don't you know? Fuyutski knows everything!
Rebecca: Then how come he never says anything?
Rick: He's just not letting on that he knows.
Rebecca: That makes sense, actually.

>              Fuyutsuki: It doesn't matter. Is the 7th Child ready?
>              Maya: Hai. Eva-04 is almost ready for launch, sir.
>              Misato: Where are the other Children?

Rebecca: Shinji's in therapy, Rei's staring at the walls, Asuka's at a NRA
rally and Toji's at a three-legged race for charity.
Tsuneo: You're cruel.
Rebecca: I know. [Grins]

>              Makoto: I can't reach them.
>              Misato: It's okay, I'm sure they'll know what to do..

Tsuneo: Act like gross charactatures of themselves?
Rick: Stand in a lift doing nothing for five minutes?

> * * *
>              Shinji: [screaming] AAAHHH!!!! AN ANGEL!!!!!
>              Asuka: Stop screaming like an idiot!!

Rick: He's voiced by Spike Spencer. He can't help it.
Dan [Shinji]: Aaaagh! A crappy fanfic!

>               With a mighty slap, Shinji was sent to the ground, with a bright
> red mark on his right cheek.

Rebecca: Good to see that Asuka hasn't fallen into stereotypical behaviour.

> Rei, Shinji and Asuka had gathered in front of
> their school, while everyone had hid into their designated shelters.

Dan: Everyone except Kensuke. He was getting out his camera.
Tsuneo: I think Kensuke would have learned his lesson by now.
Dan: His camera *and* his hardhat.

> All the buildings of the city had gone underground,

Rebecca: Joining the software pirates and the NASDAQ traders.
Rick: Tokyo-3's got to be the only place where ground-level apartments are worth
more then the top floors.

> now hidden beneath the Geo-front,-
> even though the Angel assaults had proven that being buried under the earth was
> no protection from the wrath of God.

Tsuneo: Laying the imagery on with a trowel, isn't he?
Rebecca: Would you prefer the way it was handled in Delta then?
Tsuneo: ...

>              Shinji: What was that for?!
>              Asuka: Start acting like a man, Shinji! Stop being such a pansy!

Dan [Shinji]: I'm not a pansy! I'm a beautiful daffodil!
Tsuneo: You don't think that, in two years, Shinji may have changed?
Rebecca: Yeah, he's now a bigger wuss.

>              Shinji: Why do you always have to yell at me like that?!?
>              Asuka: Because I FEEL LIKE IT!

Rebecca [Asuka]: GODDAMIT, JUST DO IT!
Tsuneo: Don't do that.

>              Rei: We have to report to Nerv.
>                Standing a few feet from the two others, Rei looked to the two
> fighting, without understanding the reason for such quarrel.

Tsuneo [Rei]: These people are idiots.
Rebecca: What were you saying?

>               Shinji: Yeah.. we should go.

Rick [Shinji]: Quick, Wonder Girl, to the Evacave!

>               Asuka: Let's hope he [pointing at the giant off in the distance]
> doesn't get us first!
>               Shinji: Errr... W-wait.. Look!

Rick [Shinji]: What's that in the sky?
Dan: Is it a bird?
Tsuneo: Is it a plane?
Rebecca: Nope, its a Wildstorm second-stringer with his pants round his ankles
busy snorting crack.

>                 Rei and Asuka both looked in the direction that Shinji pointed
> to, as a familiar figure rose from the Geo-front,

Dan: It's Elvis!

> standing about seven blocks from the charcoal creature.

Rick: See what happens when you leave your Angel on the BBQ for too long?

>               Asuka: Wh-what the hell? Is that Unit 04?!

Rebecca: No, it's a fro-
Tsuneo: Did it.
Rebecca: Well, its a prev-
Tsuneo: That too.
Rebecca: Damn.
Tsuneo: See what happens when you use all your running gags at once? You don't
have any for later.

>               Shinji: I thought the pilot was supposed to have his first test
> today..

Dan: Unless, of course, war were declared.
Rick: What's going on?
Dan: War were declared.


>               Asuka: Looks like he may need some professional assistance from
> the best pilot in the world!
>              Shinji: ... now, who might that be?

Rick [Chainsaw Man]: Who is the greatest warrior in the world?

>               Asuka: Me, of course!

Dan: Well called, Rick.
Rick: Leena Toros, Asuka Langley-Soryu: Separated at birth?

>               Shinji: ... Right....
>               Rei: [quietly]... Why do you two... fight like this?
>               Asuka: ... [grinning] Because Shinji is an idiot.
>               Shinji: What?!

Tsuneo: CHARACTERISATION!
Rick and Dan: Where? Where?!?

> * * *
>              Misato: Hiditio, can you hear me?
>              Hiditio: Loud and clear, Major. But with all due respect, ma'am,
> LCL tastes like shit.

Rick: Think that's bad? Wait till you try army food.

>              Ritsuko: ... [twitching]
>              Misato: ...
>              Hiditio: ... Just forget I said that. [cough]

Tsuneo: I see Tom's still stealing material from EVA-R.

>              Misato: Right...
>              Hiditio: ... So what am I supposed to do?
>              Misato: Destroy the damn thing?!
>              Hiditio: ... I think that's clear enough, yep.

Dan [Hiditio]: Don't you guys have a plan?
Rebecca [Ritsuko]: We were going to let you go out there and improvise. Don't
worry, your messy demise will provide valuable data for the other children.

>                The side-screen that had appeared near Hiditio in the entry plug
> of Unit 04 disappeared, as contact between him and Nerv was cut suddenly.

Rick: Have NERV been using shonky pre-paid calling cards again?

> Before
> he knew it, the coal black creature that had stood still for the past few
> minutes had leaped into the air, and landed right in front of the white
> Evangelion.

Dan [Monster]: SPOON!

> With incredible strength, the dark giant's two fists nailed the back
> of Eva-04's neck, driving it into the earth.

Rebecca: He's off to a good start.
Tsuneo: At least he's doing better then Shinji did on his first try.
Rick: My Aunt Edna could do better then Shinji did on his first try.

>                Hiditio growled, gritting his teeth as he focused on the task of
> bringing his Evangelion back to its feet. But with a powerful stomp, the
> mysterious invad

Rick: -or.

> er brought Unit 04's face back into the ground,

Tsuneo: Actually they're just re-using the footage of Sachiel's fight scene again.
Rick: Yeah. This is just like that fight with the huge flying angel thing with the
sonic waves.
Tsuneo: Actually, that was Raxephon.
Dan: Well then what about the time that the scientist babe climbed into his mecha and
tried to pilot it?
Tsuneo: That was Brain Powerd.
Rick: And when he discovered that the aliens were actually exiled colonists who were
fans of cheesy 70's mecha shows?
Tsuneo: That was Nadesico.
Dan: And when that weird goth girl took over all the robots and had them fuse into
one giant mess?
Tsuneo: That was Bubblegum Crisis 2040.
Dan: Or when he found that his sister was just as powerful as he was all along and
nobody realised it?
Tsuneo: No, damn it, that was Gasaraki!
Dan: And when the cheesy villain made him use the giant angel statue to resurrect the
ultimate evil monster?
Tsuneo: No! That was Zoids Guardian Force!
Rick: And the time that the crazy girl ran over him in a Vespa and hit him with a
guitar?
Tsuneo: It was FLCL for crying out loud!
Rebecca: Or when he got the bread out of the freezer and found that there was no
ice on it?
Tsuneo: ...that was a frost-free fridge. [Ding]
Rebecca: I know. [She grins]

> using its weight
> to put pressure on the fallen Eva's cranium.

Rebecca: Lo! I shall crush your head, rendering you even more inferior to my
glorious self!

>                Instinctively, the 7th Child reacted, as Unit 04's right hand
> locked around the creature's ankle,

Rick: What's this? The Angel didn't even have to beat Shelton Benjamin and Charlie
Haas to get to this point!

> pulling the foot off of its head. At the
> same time, with an accurate and quick sweep of its other arm, the white
> Evangelion nailed the black giant to the back of its other leg, knocking it off
> balance, and leading its enemy down to the ground.
>              Maya: His synchronization ratio is rising considerably!

Rebecca: Doesn't it normally drop in a situation like this?
Tsuneo: This is the part where he shows how kewl his new character is by having
them do stuff the other pilots can't.
Rebecca: Of course. I must be out of practice.

>              Ritsuko: He is much more instinctive than most human beings..

Rick: He builds a nest out of leaves and picks fleas off the backs of
others.

> It is showing in his innate ability to fight with the Evangelion.

Tsuneo: BS ratio rising!

>                As the giant fell down, Eva-04 followed through, leaping right on
> top of its fallen enemy, pounding its chest with both its fists furiously,
> crushing the surface of the coal black creature's body.

Dan: Didn't I see this in one EVA episode?
Rebecca: Well at least he's not using WWE matches as inspiration any more.
Tsuneo: I suppose I should be thankful, but I can't think why?
Rick: Damn. I wanted to see EVA-04 do a scissor kick and a spinaroonie.

>                But as Hiditio got lost in his frenzy, the headless giant spread
> its greyish A.T. Field to its full extent,

Tsuneo: I thought AT Fields were orange.
Rick: Animation error. In a minute, we're going to see Swoop's trick knee.

> blowing Unit 04 hundreds of feet away.

Tsuneo: ...nope, now we're back in DELTA county.

> As the white Evangelion crashed through empty city blocks, its enemy was
> getting ready for another assault. With a loud shriek, it surged into the air,
> flying down towards its enemy at a pace that the human eye could barely follow
> like an Angel of Death.

Rick [English]: I'll trade you tissue paper for an episode preview.
Rebecca [English]: This isn't much paper.
Rick [English]: This isn't much of a preview.
Tsuneo: Again, being silly.

>                The impact was made, as the headless creature slammed into Unit
> 04's back. Hiditio growled with anger and pain,

Rick: -and his own rage at his sexual inadequacy.
Dan: I call no Ultimate Marvel riffs now.
Rick: Damn.

> as he gripped the handles inside his entry plug firmly,
> yet he was unable to move. His Evangelion had an S2
> Engine system,

Dan: As featured in the new 2003 Monaro!
Rebecca: And don't forget the progressive grenades.

> which allowed it to have a limitless supply of energy,

Rick: And made for an extra-tasty treat.

> but even
> with that advantage, the giant was too strong and kept Unit 04 down to the
> ground.

Rebecca: Hiditio, meet the glass ceiling.
Rick: Y'see, the big monster there doesn't think you're a worthy contender
for the world title.

>                The monster who had risen from the underground

Rick: -of the European music scene.
Tsuneo: You could just call it "The Monster" and be done with it.
Rebecca: Where's the fun in that?

> slammed its left
> palm into the back of the fallen Evangelion's right shoulder, crushing the
> protective armor covering its flesh.

Tsuneo: Always be wary of authours who spend more time on describing wounds then
describing anything else.
Rick: Or GMs, for that matter.

> With its other hand, the headless beast gripped its enemy's right wrist.

Dan: [EVA-04] You dance divinely.

> With doubled force, it applied more pressure to
> the shoulder of its motionless victim.

Rebecca: With the VON ERICH IRON CLAW!
Rick: Ooh, wow, it's the Chinese burn of mild pain.

> As it pulled Unit 04's wrist, the Eva's
> right arm slowly began to tear from the rest of its body, the flesh ripping away
> like fragile cloth, as blood began to pour down onto the earth on which the
> wounded Evangelion lay.

Tsuneo: In other words, they're re-using stock footage from episode 18 again.
Rick: Oh, come on! What do you think the budget's got to now? Sega doesn't have
anything to pull out any more.
Dan: They could pull out the monkey balls.

>              Misato: Shit!
>              Maya: Nervous connections with the pilot severed! Harmonics
> decreasing!

Rick: Didn't I see this in an Evangelion episode?
Rebecca: All of them?

>              Makoto: He's reaching critical zone!

Rick [Aoba]: I've had my only line, I'm out of here.

>               Suddenly, the arm gave away, as the creature ripped the member
> away from the Evangelion's body, burying Unit 04 in a pool of its own blood.

Rick: And he died in a pool of his own gore!
Rebecca: Why'd you bring that up?
Rick: This fic is brining back many memories, few of them pleasant.

> A
> piece of broken bone still hung from its mutilated shoulder, surrounded by
> ripped flesh.

Dan: Any minute now, Terry Funk is going to deliver the world's slowest piledriver.

>               Tossing the useless arm away,

Rick: You can recycle that!

> the creature grabbed the bleeding
> Unit by its head, putting pressure on its victim's cranium with both its hands,
> fingers digging into Eva-04's heavily damaged protective armor.

Tsuneo: Dumb question: if it's already helpless, why did you bother tearing off
the arm?
Rebecca: He's going for the blood splatter bonus.

> With a lightning
> quick motion, the headless creature snapped the fallen Unit's neck, a sickening
> sound of bones shattering echoing through the deserted streets of Tokyo-3.

Dan: Man, those folks are so lucky. They've got front row seats to the apocalypse.
Tsuneo: And here's us stuck behind some fat guy with a big sign.

>               Misato: HIDITIO!!!

Rebecca: HE IS DEAD! Taro is dead!
Rick: He's not Taro.
Rebecca: Let's face it, I definitely killed him.
Rick: But he's not Taro.
Rebecca: I mean wham, splat and it was all over. Gee, what am I gonna do now?
Rick: I told you he's not Taro.
Rebecca: That's good. Because otherwise he'd just be another statistic.

>               Ritsuko: Don't worry.

Rebecca [Ritsuko]: We can allways get another one.

>  He's still alive.
>               Maya: He is still conscious, but his harmonics are completely
> dropping..

Tsuneo: I'm guessing it's something to do with his EVA's head being ripped off.

>               Makoto: His sync. ratio has reached 0%!

Dan: He's being outperformed by an inanimate carbon rod.
Rick: Welcome to Death Valley Days. The driver's either missing, or he's dead.

>                Sitting at his desk, Gendo Ikari eyed the scene carefully, his
> facial features revealing the glimpse of a frown.

Dan: [Gendo] What the hell was I thinking with this office decor?

> At his side, Fuyutsuki stood,

Rebecca: Doing his best impersonation of a hat rack.

> looking on to the events as they unrolled before him on the giant screens of the
> MAGI.

Tsuneo: [Fuyutski] If I recall correctly, this is all your fault.

>                Gendo: The headless one, rising from his eternal grave.

Rick: [Really bad synthesised voice] Rise from the grave. Doo-dee-doo!

> Seele has gone mad.

Dan: [Keel; cowboy voice] I got your biblical beast of the apocalypse! I got
your Lance of Longinius! I got it all here at crazy prices! And if no-one buys
anything from me in the next thirty minutes, I'm going to club this Rei clone
to death!

>                Fuyutsuki: So now that the Angels are gone, they want to get rid
> of us.

Tsuneo: Couldn't they just lay them all off?
Rebecca: They don't want to pay the redundancy cheques.

>                Gendo: Actually, I believe it's beyond their control.
>                Fuyutsuki: ...

Rick: Best thing he's said so far.
Tsuneo: Only thing he's said so far.

>                As the Vice Commander went silent, the headless giant gripped its
> lifeless victim by the abdomen, its wide black fingers tearing into Unit 04's
> flesh.

Rick: Can you cut me off a drumstick?
Rebecca: Yeah, and get me a wing!
Dan: Guys, poor whatshisname is dead. Shouldn't we be a bit more considerate?
Rick: Oh yeah. Make sure it's Kosher.

> A growl emitted from the creature, even though it had no mouth to make
> such a sound,

Dan: That was coming from the other end.
Tsuneo: [Reading] Little Prince Goes to Manhattan?

> as it ripped the mutilated Evangelion's stomach open, revealing
> its core.

Rick: And the delicious, candy-filled center!

> Slowly, the dark monster who had risen from the bowls of the earth

Rebecca: See what happens when you resurrect the Deathsaurer? BAD!

> lowered its right hand onto the exposed red sphere, grasping it firmly.

Tsuneo: I see a harassment suit coming.
Dan: [EVA-04] He touched my sphere...
Rick: [Dread beast of the apocalypse] It was an accident! I just...
tripped over! And I grabbed... Something!
Rebecca: Worked for wiener boy.

>               Misato: It's going after Unit 04's S2 Engine?

Rick: No, it's going for interpretive dance!

>               Makoto: Unit 04 is producing an A.T. Field!
>               Misato: Hiditio?!

Dan: No thanks, I'm trying to give it up.

>               Maya: Negative, his sync. ratio is still at 0%!

Rebecca [Maya]: My EVA won't work! The Pilot's got a syc ratio of 0%!
Rick: Are you using a 14 year old pilot?
Rebecca [Maya]: Well... no...
Rick: Sorry, that's an unsupported configuration. I can't help you with it.
Rebecca [Maya]: So can I do anything?
Rick: You can unisntall the pilot you're using now and install a certified
EVA-compatible 14 year old.

>               Suddenly, around Unit 04's core, tendrils of light began to form,
> flickering in and out of sight.

Tsuneo: Oh look, something inexplicable and mystic is happening.
Rebecca: I'll get the popcorn.
Rick: Toilet break.
Dan: I'll fly to Cuba.

> The particles of energy slowly gathered as one,
> forming a tight barrier around the contours of the fallen Evangelion's S2
> Engine.

Tsuneo: They saved up their entire effects budget for this one sequence.
Rebecca: Pity everyone turned off in the first scene.
Rick: From here on in, it's just going to be Rei and Asuka in the lift again.

> The creature applied more pressure to the red orb with its fingers, as
> the A.T. Field that had mysteriously manifested itself adapted its form to the
> shape of the giant's hand.

Rick: So that's what Gigatron's doing nowadays.
Dan: Someone cast "Bigby's Raised Middle Finger."

>                From within the core, ruby red light appeared under the shape of
> a sphere. But as the creature pressed its fingers with more strength onto the S2
> Engine of Eva-04, the sphere began to distort into long streams, drawn from
> within the core to the palm of the headless giant.

Tsuneo: We care.
Rick: We do?
Tsuneo: No, not really.

>                Makoto: Unit 04's A.T. Field is slowly starting to decrease!
>                Shigeru: The MAGI is detecting an A.T. Field similar to Unit 04's
> in the target!

Rebecca: Look everyone! Aoba got another line!
Rick: Double the lines, double the paycheck!
Dan: [Gendo] Aoba, from here on, shut up.
Tsuneo: [Aoba] But-
Dan: [Gendo] SHUT UP!

>                Ritsuko: [surprised] It's draining the Eva's A.T. Field?!

Rebecca: Actually, it just spliced some cable in and is using it to run a LAN party.

>                As Dr. Akagi spoke those words, the Geo-front shook with such
> intensity that all of the personel of Nerv who was standing inside the facility
> fell to the ground.

Rick: Except Aoba, who hurled himself across the room in the other direction.
Dan: [Gendo] Damnit, we're not paying you for stunts either!

> The screams of dozens and dozens of employees echoed in
> unison, forming a quite disturbing melody to the human ear.

Rebecca: A faulty neurosis like tune. And who are you guys?
Tsuneo: Well that was obscure.

>                Misato: [stumbling to her feet] What in the HELL was that?!
> * * *
>                Shinji: Gah! Shit!
>                Asuka: Watch where you're falling, Ikari!!!

Rick: We've secretly replaced Shinji Ikari with Akito Tenkawa. Let's see who
notices.

>                The earthquake had not only reached all of the Geo-front, but
> also half of the deserted city. Asuka, Shinji and Rei, who were now only a few
> minutes away from Nerv, and only a few hundreds of feet away from the battle,
> had been caught off guard by the sudden shaking. All three Children fell to the
> ground, even though Rei managed to roll to her feet in her fall.

[They all applaud politely]

Tsuneo: [Rei] I'd like to thank God, my mum and my dad, but unfortunately none
of them exist.

> But Asuka and
> Shinji were not that lucky. The 2nd Child hit the pavement, back first, and was
> soon followed by Shinji, who fell on top of her, face first.

Dan: Didn't I see this in about a million romantic comedies?
Rick: Maybe this will turn into Love Hina and he'll get his head bounced off the
concrete like a pinball.
Dan: We can only hope.

> But unfortunately
> for Ikari, not only had he landed on Asuka, but his face had landed on her
> chest.

Rick [Asuka]: What? You dare land on the Great Asuka's chest? WA-TAK! [Normal
Voice] It's great to be back!

[They all glare at him?]

Tsuneo: Rick, that's been done.
Rick: It has?
Dan: It's so 1999.
Rick: It is?
Rebecca: Get over it.

>                  Asuka: Ikari... I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!
>                  Shinji: I'm sorry! I-it was an accident!!
>                  *WHAP*
>                  *SLAP*
>                  *BITCHSMACK*

Rick: WA-TAK! [Ding] Hey, I called it. [They all glare at him again]

>                  Shinji: [holding his bruised cheeks in pain] Itai..
>                  Asuka: MMPH! You deserved it!

Tsuneo: [Rei] These people are idiots.

>                  Rei: We must hurry, before the Headquarters are hit again.
>                  Asuka: What do you mean, before the Headquarters are hit again?

Rick: It's the 'again' bit we're worried about.

> * * *
>                  Misato: It used Unit 04's A.T. Field to destroy the top
> protection layers?
>                  Ritsuko: Yes. The target is draining Unit 04's A.T. Field from
> its core, and transfering it to his own. And it's using it as a weapon against
> us.

Tsuneo: Ah, no. Nope. Sorry, we're not buying this!
Rick: I think it's being written in Hong Kong subtitles.
Rebecca: I think they're just padding.

>                   Misato: How much of the A.T. Field has it used up?
>                   Ritsuko: Only 1 or 2%,

Rick: These newer model Evangelions get great mileage.

> thanks to the pilot. We have
> approximately four hours until all of the core's energy is drained.

Tsuneo: But doesn't the S2 core have unlimited energy?
Rick: Yes, but it can only stay at full size for a few minutes because of
Earth's polluted atmosphere.

> The only problem is it could strike again at any time.
>                   Misato: What do you mean, thanks to the pilot?!
>                   Ritsuko: By staying conscious, the creature can't drain the
> A.T. Field as easily.
>                   Misato: You mean, in four hours he will be-

Rick: A hydroponic tomato?
Rebecca: Constipated?
Dan: Bored to death?
Tsuneo: Out of ways to pad the story?

>                   Ritsuko: [nodding]
>                   Misato: ... [thinking] Damnit, where are the Children?

Rebecca: They're doing a reunion tour. They're all getting it off with the kids
of the groupies they got it off with last time round.

>                   Above the facility, the creature's hand remained on Unit 04's
> core, the ruby red light flowing into the giant's palm, relocating into its own
> core.

Tsuneo: And they're going to be doing this for another four hours?
Rick: Patty cake, patty cake...

> Beneath the headless one and the lifeless Evangelion, a hundred feet wide
> hole now tore through the earth, leading deep underground, into the Geo-front.

Dan: And into the realm of the MOLE MEN!
Rick: Y'know, he beat Galactus.
Dan: That he did.
Tsuneo: Some days, I'm glad I'm not you.

>                  Inside Unit 04's entry plug, Hiditio lay nearly unconscious,

Dan: Nearly unconscious? Is that like slightly pregnant or mostly dead?
Rebecca: Dan, you were thinking?
Dan: I'm sorry.
Rebecca: No, you actually *were* thinking!

> struggling for air, as he could feel the life of the Evangelion slowly fading
> away, along with his. His face was now pale,

Rick: [Hiditio] I'm feeling a little anemic right now... [Coughs, falls off couch]

> and his body was getting weaker by the minute. He was cold.

Tsuneo: I thought it would take four hours.
Rebecca: What do you know, but life support was the second thing to go.
Tsuneo: Second?
Rebecca: After the inertial dampners.

>                  He was unable to see or hear a thing, yet he could still smell
> the sickening odor and taste the bitter savor of the LCL

Rick: Er, that's not the LCL.
Dan: [Hiditio] I shouldn't have had that super spicy curry bread.
Rick: B-LOOP!
Tsuneo: I am *really* glad I'm not you.
Dan: Worst thing is, the suit would have kept that in.
Tsuneo: ...

> that surrounded him and
> allowed him to breathe. His eyes were closed, and he was too tired to think.

Dan: We're almost at that stage too, and we've had four rest breaks.

> But he would not let himself sleep, for he knew that if he succumbed, he would die.

Tsuneo: Why bother? You're going to die anyway.

>                  From inside Central Dogma,

Rick: Why is it that whenever I think of Central Dogma, I always imagine that Jay
and Silent Bob are hanging out down there?
Dan: [Jay] Snoochie-boochies!
Rick: Of course! They're Aoba and Hyuga's replacements!
Dan: Silent Bob's filling in for Aoba.

> Misato looked on to the data readouts concerning the pilot of Eva-04.

Rebecca: [Misato] According to this, he's either dead or a-
Tsuneo: You did it.
Rebecca: [Misato] Screaming mad Iguana.
Tsuneo: Damn.

>                  Misato: What a horrible experience for his first sortie..

Rick: Pretty much standard for an EVA pilot.

>                  The Major shook her head, sighing silently. But as she heard
> the sounds of footsteps moving radidly towards the control room, she turned
> around and sighed again, yet this time, of relief.
>                   Misato: Finally!

Rebecca: [Misato] The night shift is here. We can all go home.
Rick: [Megumi] Sorry we're late, but our car got catapulted six months forward
in time.
Tsuneo: [Ruri] Idiot.

>                   Asuka and Rei ran in, quickly skidding to a stop.

Dan: And then Shinji ploughed into the pair of them.

> A few
> seconds after them, Shinji trailed in, gripping his chest and breathing heavily,
> sweat covering his forehead, trailing down his face and onto the ground.
>                   Misato: ... huh... Shinji, are you all right?
>                   Asuka: Oh, don't worry! Shinji's a wimp! We sprinted for the
> last few blocks on the way here.
>                   Shinji: I-I'm not a[cough] w-[wheeze] wimp!

Tsuneo: It's a good thing Shinji has no self esteem, otherwise he'd be
suffering.

>                   Ritsuko: We don't have time for chat. Get ready.
>                   Shinji: Hai..

Tsuneo: I haven't seen Shinji treated this badly since... Well... The last EVA
fic we did, really.
Rebecca: That was the *other* Neon Exodus.
Tsuneo: ...good point.
Rick: Wait, you did more of that while I was away?
Dan: Ayup.
Rick: Damn! I miss all the good stuff!
Rebecca: The irony is that Shin boy got a good deal out of Delta. He got to be a
beer-drinking, bike-riding, sibling-shagging badarse. And all it cost him was his
individuality, personality and free will.

> * * *
>                   Ritsuko: Unit 04's pilot has about 3 hours left to live.

Rick: And if it's any later, we get three dollars off.
Dan: Cool, we get rid of Hiditio *and* get a discount? Hold out man! The pizza
budget is counting on you!

> The target has been silent for over fourty-five minutes

Tsuneo: He's just waiting for his cue.

> and is continuing to drain Unit 04's A.T. Field.
>                   Gendo: Send Units 00, 01 and 02 out and have them destroy the
> target.

Tsuneo: What do you think are the odds of them getting to do anything?
Dan: Getting slimmer by the minute.

>                   Ritsuko: If hand to hand combat is initiated,

Rebecca: Before Earl has a chance to start the match.

> the disturbance
> created could cause the creature's core to explode, being that it is already
> overloaded with the energy of Unit 04's A.T. Field. That would lead to Unit 04's
> total destruction, along with the death of the pilot.

Rebecca: I see no drawbacks to that plan.
Dan: And don't they already have a sixth children coming?
Rick: You said 'children.'
Dan: DAMN!

>                   Gendo: We can't afford to lose the Geo-front because of the
> life of a pilot.
>                   Misato: But we can't risk the life of a pilot like this!
>                   Gendo: We must protect the facility by any means necessary.

Rebecca: [Misato] You're really loving this, aren't you?
Dan: [Gendo] Oh yeah. I'm the god.

>                   Misato: Sir, we have 3 hours. It is plenty enough time to come
> up with a plan.

Rick: I mean, I'm sure we can throw enough darts at the wall by then.
Rebecca: Okay, Unit 01 [throws] will eat [throws] a basket of cheeses. Unit 02
[throws] will run around [throws] in circles, while Unit 00 [throws] will fall
on the ground and [throws] pick two from this table.
Dan: Hey, Vince Russo wants that back.

>                   Gendo: Very well. You have 90 minutes. If by then you have not
> thought of anything,

Dan: [Gendo] We'll just do what we always do.
Rick: [Misato] Run around screaming?
Dan: [Gendo] Not in so many words.

> all three Units will be dispatched.

Tsuneo: [Shinji] I'm so glad we got here so fast.

>                   Misato: Thank, you sir.

Dan: [Gendo] Of course, you realise that if we die, it's all your fault.
Rebecca: [Misato] It always is, sir.

>                   Gendo: Major Katsuragi, Dr. Akagi, you are dismissed.
>                   Misato and Ritsuko exited Commander Ikari's office, leaving
> the cold chairman of Nerv

Rick: Gendo Ikari is THE FOURTH MAN! [He gets up and dances around the room]
Dan: Damn you and your Planetary references. Damn you.
Rebecca: Wait a sec... Dan, you read Planetary? Isn't it too cerebral for you?
Dan: Jakita's a babe!
Rebecca: You have restored my faith in reality.

> alone with Vice-Commander Fuyutsuki.
>                   Fuyutsuki: You gave her time to figure out a plan? That's not
> like you.

Dan: [Gendo] I am a kind and merciful Gord.

>                   Gendo: We may need Unit 04 in the future.
>                   Fuyutsuki: What about the pilot?
>                   Gendo: Our contract with Tritoch is still active,

Tsuneo: Although he's still frozen in the mines.

> whether Nikaido is alive or not. It is irrelevant.

Rick: Now there's a contract I like. You could have worked for WCW.

>                   Fuyutsuki: If that headless beast releases the power of all of
> Unit 04's A.T. Field on us, the entire facility would be destroyed, Terminal
> Dogma included.

Rick: [Jay] Oh man, we're going to have to find a new place to hang out.
Dan: I thought Terminal Dogma was part of the facility.
Rebecca: It's actually registered in Panama for tax reasons.

>                   Gendo: I know.
>                   Fuyutsuki: What is Seele thinking?

Tsuneo [Gendo]: Why did you unleash the headless beast of the Armageddon?
Rick [Keele]: Sorry. I wasn't thinking.

>                   Gendo: As I said earlier, I don't think Seele has any control
> over this.

Tsuneo: Rule one of resurrecting ancient evils: Don't.
Dan: What's rule two?
Tsuneo: We mean it.

> We must make sure that if an explosion does occur, it occurs on the surface.

> * * *
>                   Misato: We need a way to kill it with one shot..

Rick: Misato, are you cooking tonight?

> and at the same time blow it away enough from Unit 04 not to destroy it..

Dan: Misato, are you cooking beans tonight?
Tsuneo: Are you two done with the fart gags yet?
Rick & Dan: NEVER!

>                   Misato, who had directed nearly every battle against the
> Angels,

Rick: Nearly every?
Rebecca: A couple were done by the assistant director.
Rick: What else does he do?
Rebecca: Gets Anno's coffee and tried to look down Asuka's front.

> was unable to find a way to destroy the target without risking the life
> of Eva-04's pilot.

Rick: Okay, we need an Empire Custom set, the arms of Richard Alston and
an inflatable monkey.
Dan: What's that meant to do?
Rick: Confuse the hell out of it.
Tsuneo: It's working already.

> Nervously, the Major walked in circles around a small room
> within the facility. Inside the same room, Ritsuko sat at a desk, drumming her
> fingers onto it.

Dan: Face it, you're stuck.
Rick: I got it! Black ten onto red jack!

>                   Misato: Maybe we could borrow the cannon that we used against
> the 5th Angel again.

Rebecca: Say, what's more powerful, the positron cannon or the Halconnen Cannon?
Rick: Well, the Positron cannon has all the power of Japan in it. But on the other
hand, the Halconnen canon is wielded by a cute girl in a short skirt.

>                   Ritsuko: I doubt it. It would take too long to get the
> permission,

Tsuneo: But they kept the rifle after they used it! Rei used it to fight the 15th
Angel!
Rick: Besides, would you want it back after Nerv was done with it?

> bring it here, and then load it with enough energy to pierce through
> the target's A.T. Field.
>                   Misato: What if we used the Evas' A.T. Fields to load the
> cannon?

Rebecca: [Ritsuko] What the hell are you smoking?
Rick: [Misato] Sorry. I was reading this thing about a nuclear based cannon...

>                   Ritsuko: It would take too long to adapt the cannon to carry
> such energy without overloading and malfunctinoning. And even then, it would
> still take too much time.

Rick: Didn't you just say that?
Rebecca: She's trying to make a point to Misato.
Rick: Ah.

>                   Misato: But-

Rick: [Misato] So you're saying it would take too much time?

>                   Ritsuko: Look, Misato, there's nothing you can do. Even if we
> did use a cannon, it's not sure that the core would not explode on impact
> anyway.

Rebecca: [Misato] So what do you suggest?
Dan: [Ritsuko] If we had a really big cow fling...

> If we don't sacrifice Unit 04, we're all going to die.

Tsuneo: So where's the downside to this plan?

>                   Misato: Mmph.. What about the MAGI? Any other possibilities?
>                   Ritsuko: They propose the self destruction of Unit 04, that
> would possibly take out the target without risking the destruction of the
> headquarters.

Rebecca [Ritsuko]: Any ideas, guys?
Rick [Computer]: Self-Destruct EVA-04.
Rebecca [Ritsuko]: Alternatives?
Rick [Computer]: Tender your resignation. Fast.

>                   Misato; I see..
> * * *
>                   Inside a briefing room within the facility, Misato stood in
> front of the three Children, who were now dressed in their plug suits. They had
> been ready for over two hours, awaiting orders,

Dan: Asuka was beginning to get bored. The other two were hiding in corners.

> while the headless creature was
> still draining Unit 04's A.T. Field on the surface, while its pilot was
> struggling to maintain himself alive.

Tsuneo: Our random pile of words for the day is "Maintain himself alive."
Rick: It doesn't even look good if I turn my head sideways.

>                   Misato: We were unable to come up with any plan to rescue Unit
> 04, so we have to sortie all three Evangelions.

Dan: We're jsut going to throw you up there and see what happens.

> There are chances that the
> target's core may explode if hand to hand combat is initiated, but we have no
> other way. If such does occur, raise your A.T. Fields.

Tsuneo: And see if you can maintain yourselves alive.
Rick: You know what you doing!
Rebecca: Don't make me hurt you.


>                   Shinji: But what if our A.T. Fields can't hold the explosion?
>                   Misato: Then we're shit out of luck.

Rick: Misato's obviously been consulting Mike Sanders.
Tsuneo: There are too many "ifs" in this plan for my liking.
Dan: Sounds like a real winner to me.

>                   Asuka: This really doesn't sound like a good plan.

Rebecca [Asuka]: In fact, it sounds like a downright stupid one.

>                   Misato: Commander Ikari made it clear that we must prevent the
> destruction of Terminal Dogma by any means necessary.

Dan: [Asuka] Terminal dogma?
Rebecca: [Misato] Whoops. Didn't mean to say that. Forget it.

> I'm sorry we have no other way.
>                    Asuka: This isn't a plan! This is a suicide mission!

Tsuneo: Do you mind? This plan was approved by the Imperial Japanese Navy.
Dan: That's cold.
Tsuneo: Thank you.

>                    Misato: Asuka, as I said, we have NO other way. We are
> running out of time. Let's go.

Tsuneo: Come on, fic! This is the person who came up with plans like "catch it
with your bare hands" and "beat it at Dance Dance Revolution" here!
Rebecca: Yes, but this time she's sober.

> * * *
>                    On the surface, nothing had changed.

Rick: Nothing changes. Nothing exciting ever happens here. All the adults got
excited when they built the Geofront here, but it didn't change anything.
Dan: Are you done?
Rick: I'm waiting for Shinji to get run over by a Vespa.

> Everything was silent outside,

Rebecca: Save for the odd shambling drunk.
Rick: Buggerit buggerit millennium hand and Evangelion buggerit.

> for all life in the city had stopped during the past few hours. Unit 04
> and the creature still floated slightly above the hole that the headless giant
> had pierced through the earth with a discharge

Tsuneo: No. You two, just no.

> of its victim's A.T. Field. Its
> core was now glowing with a bright ruby red light, flickers of electricity
> flowing around the greyish sphere.

Dan: When case modz go too far.

>                    Maya: Sempai!

>                    Ritsuko: What?

Rebecca [Maya]: Nothing, I just like saying it.

>                    Maya: Unit 04's A.T. Field! It's disappearing quicker and
> quicker!
>                    Ritsuko: What?! How can that be?
>                    Maya: The pilot is weakening! He can barely stay conscious!

Dan: [Ritsuko] I thought he died an hour ago.
Rebecca: [Maya] Er, no... You just turned off the monitor because you didn't care.

>                    Makoto: The energy in the target's core is rising! The MAGI
> can't determine its value!
>                    Shigeru: All our sensors are going nuts!

Rick [Aoba]: I can't believe I got another line!
Dan: BANG! [Gendo] Trust me, you won't.

>                    Misato: [angrily] Launch the Units immediately!
>                    From the Geo-front, the three Evangelions rose to the surface
> nearly instantly. From left to right, Unit 00, 01 and 02 stood in a line, a
> couple of miles away from the headless giant and Eva-04.

Dan: Synchronised super robot launching, the new Olympic demonstration sport.

>                    Misato: Hurry. Get through the target's A.T. Field and
> destroy it as quickly as possible!

Tsuneo: So why didn't you launch them closer to it?
Rebecca: Some bum parked his car on the hatch.

>                    Asuka: Hai.
>                    Shinji: Hai.. [thinking] There's a pilot in Unit 04... we
> can't kill him, damnit!

Rick: Can we wound him? Just a little?

>                    Rei: Hai.

Tsuneo: [Rei] You get used to it.

>                    Unit 01 slowly started advancing towards the coal black
> creature that had mysteriously appeared from beneath the earth and "captured"
> Eva-04. Unit 00 walked by its side, a large rifle in each one of its hands.

Rebecca [Rei]: All right, listen up you primitive screwheads. This... is my
boom stick.
Dan: And unit 02 stood around and did nothing.
Rick: Classic Delta, all over again.

> Shinji sighed inside his entry plug, feeling sorry for the pilot of the lifeless
> Evangelion.

Rick: How is it possible for Shinji to feel sorry for someone else? I mean, no
matter how bad it gets, at least the guy isn't Shinji.

>                    Misato: How are they all doing?
>                    Maya: Not too good, Major. They seem nervous.
>                    Misato: That's understandable...

Rebecca: [Misato] They've never fought a headless beast of the apocalypse
before. Well, actually they have, but never mind.

>                    Asuka took a deep breath, as she looked on to the gigantic
> creature that held Unit 04 captive.
>                    Asuka: Well.. it's now or never..

Rick: [Asuka] Time for a little US peacekeeping.

>                    A small grin formed over the 2nd Child's face, as with a
> leap, Unit 02 made its way towards its target, gaining speed with every dash it
> made. In merely a matter of seconds, the red four-eyed Evangelion came face to
> face (that would be if the creature had had a face)

Tsuneo: Well that completely stumped the pacing of this scene.
Rebecca: Kevin Costner speech?
Tsuneo: In text, no less.

> with its enemy. Eva-02's
> right shoulder guard open, as the Unit grasped its progressive knife with its
> right hand.
>                    The only obstacle between Unit 02 and the mysterious invad

Rick: -or.
Dan: Zim.
Rick: Alright! [They high five]

> er was the wide hole that exposed the inside of the Geo-front. With another leap,

Dan: [Sora] Doing!

> Asuka brought her Evangelion above its target, as Unit 02 lowered its right arm
> with incredible strength and rapidity,

Rebecca: You said 'rapidity.'
Tsuneo: We should make a list of all the made-up words in this fic.
Rick: So, more literate Dyron: Good or bad?
Tsuneo: I can understand the actual story now, so I'll say bad.

> the progressive knfie slicing through the
> air, thrusting down towards the coal-like flesh of its enemy.

Rebecca: In so far as it was black, not that it was brittle, easily combustible,
gave off powder or could be compressed into diamonds.
Rick: So... Not like coal at all.
Rebecca: No.

>                     But as the blade neared the gigantic monster, it merely
> rebounded against its A.T. Field, which suddenly appeared as a sphere of dark
> grey energy.

Tsuneo: I'd do a 'standard procedure' line here, but I really can't be bothered.

> The creature's right hand remained on Unit 04's core, but with its
> left fist, it sent a powerful blow to Unit 02's face. So strong was the impact
> that the leaping Evangelion was knocked back hundreds and hundreds of feet
> through the city.

Rick: Yup, it's Delta alright.

>                     Misato: Asuka?!
>                     Asuka: I'm all right..

Rick: What? No shouting? No cursing the angel. No cries for revenge? Who is this
person in EVA-02?
Rebecca: The spineless damsel in distress Asuka from Delta?
Rick: Probably.

>                     Misato: Rei, Shinji, combine your A.T. Fields to destroy the
> target's! Hurry!

[Tsuneo bashes his head against the coffee table]
Rick & Dan: Wonder twin powers, activate!
Rick: [Shinji] Shape of a spineless puddle!
Dan: [Rei] Form of a shameless marketing ploy!


>                     Makoto: Unit 04's pilot is reaching critical state!
>                     Maya: 99.7% of Unit 04's A.T. Field has been drained, we
> have 30 seconds left!
>                     Misato: REI, SHINJI, NOW!!

Tsuneo: [Shinji] We're doing it already! We've still got to shout our attack
names.

>                     The headless giant's grey core was now glowing with such
> intensity that the entire city was bathed in ruby red light.

Dan: Hey, if it's a grey core, why is it shining red?

[Long pause]

Rick: Moving on...

> The earth began to
> shake once more, as the energy now searched to be released from its confines.

Dan: [Gendo] Should have launched earlier.
Rebecca: [Misato] Shut up, sir.

> The core of the creature could no longer hold that much power,

Rebecca: [Haruko] Bathroom? That way.

> and now the giant
> was aiming its core right above the hole it had created earlier.

Rick: So now it's turning its core into a portable ion cannon.

> Streams of
> light appeared near the glowing core, gathering into a bright sphere of
> condensed A.T. Field.

Dan: Hey guys, if it pulled itself from the earth, why didn't it just emerge
in the Geofront instead?
Rebecca: Dan, are you prepared for a serious LAPD beatdown?
Dan: I'm thinking again, aren't I?
Rick: Don't do it. It's not good for you.

>                     Unit 01 and Unit 00 suddenly rushed from their positions,
> their A.T. Fields spreading fully, sending a powerful gust of wind throughout
> the city. Both Evangelions leaped into the air,

Rick: Heroic leap!

> as the pilots pushed with every
> ounce of strength in their systems to try to pierce through their target's A.T.
> Field.  Yet the field stood proudly, not flinching by the combined efforts of
> the First and Third Children.

Dan: [Shinji] Last time I accomplish something in one of these fics.
Tsuneo: [Rei] Get used to it.

>                     Maya: Major!
>                     Misato: What's wrong?

Rebecca: [Maya] The dread beast of the apocalypse has torn unit 04 apart, shrugged
off the others and is about to kill us all. What do you think is wrong?
Dan: [Misato] Can you be more specific?
Rebecca: [Maya] We're all going to die and go to hell.

>                     Maya: We're detecting an incredible energy output from Unit
> 04!

Dan: Sir! He's discovered the 'on' switch!
Rick: Empowered by the mysterious AA cell.

>                     Makoto: It's coming from inside the entry plug!
>                     Misato: From the entry plug? Hiditio?

Tsuneo: He's Noh dancing!

>                     With a spread of its A.T. Field, the creature knocked Unit
> 00 and 01 hundreds of feet back.

Rick: And across the touchdown line! It's a touchdown for the headless beast of
the apocolypse! The crowd goes wild!
Tsuneo: [Rei] Yay.

> The sphere of energy that had manifested itself
> in front of the giant's core was ready to explode, but suddenly, the mysterious
> invad

Rick: -or.
Dan: Zim.

> er felt a sharp pain tearing through its body.

Rick: Definitely the curry.
Tsuneo: How many times do I have to tell you guys?

> From Unit 04's mutilated
> right shoulder, an arm grew once more, similar to the one of a human's.

Rebecca: Notice how we've recycled the footage but carefully redrawn the EVA.
We're hoping no-one will notice.

> Whipping
> its new arm across the air, Eva-04 released a large wave of golden energy,

[Tsuneo glares at Rick and Dan]

Dan: I don't even need to say anything there.
Rick: He's got the power of Oooooooh!

> which
> tore through the giant's own right shoulder, causing its arm to fall into the
> hole beneath it.

Tsuneo: Why didn't you do that three hours ago?
Rick: It wasn't dramatically appropriate.

>                     Unit 04's eyes snapped open, shining brightly with a pure
> shade of emerald green. Around the Eva, a golden flame surged,

Rick: [Luke Valentine] Hey, you're on fire.
Dan: [Yan Valentine] Aaah!
Tsuneo: At least they didn't go for the obvious one.

> releasing energy
> with such strength that the creature was knocked into the hole that it had
> created earlier,

Dan: EVA-04 is burning with the light of justice!
Rick: Maybe its just lighting its own farts.
Tsuneo: I should be angry, but I can't think why.
Rebecca: At least it's not Tango.
Tsuneo: Well, yes, there is that.

> crashing into the depths of the Geo-front, merely a few
> hundreds of feet above the main control room of Nerv. Unit 04 dove in after its
> victim, landing a few feet from it, a devilish grin shining upon the
> Evangelion's face.

Rebecca: I see Gendo found the "Beserk on" button.

>                     Misato: How can Unit 04 be moving?!

Rick: With its legs?

>                     Makoto: All signals are emitting from the entry plug, but we
> have no readouts coming from the pilot whatsoever!
>                     Misato: Ritsuko, how can that possibly be happening?!

Dan: He's dead?
Tsuneo: He's been absorbed into the EVA?
Rick: He popped out for lunch?

>                     Ritsuko: I honestly have no clue..

Rebecca: Now *there's* a change form the usual.

>                     With a thud, the giant's core cracked, as Unit 04's knuckles
> impacted with it, tearing into the abdomen of the coal black creature,

Rick: What about brown coal? Isn't coal brown as well?
Tsuneo: Just shut up.

> as the
> golden aura around the white Evangelion glew brighter by the second.

Rebecca: He washes with the same stuff as Gandalf.
Tsuneo: "Glew" is not a word.

> In a
> desperate attempt to save its life, the giant tried to release the energy of the
> A.T. Field that it had stolen from the now ressurected Unit, yet before it could
> do such thing, Unit 04 opened its mouth and screamed with an unmatched fury,

Rick: Unmatched, save for Kathy Lee Gifford cut off at a buffet line.

> as
> its golden aura merged with its right arm, bursting into the headless giant's
> body in a stream of absolute destruction.

Rick: Absolute Destrucity?

>                     A beam of golden energy tore through the figure of the dark
> monster,

Dan [Hot Rod]: And now, light our darkest hour!

> rising into the city under the form of a bright pillar of light. Within
> seconds, the giant disappeared from reality,

Rebecca: So in other words, it got high.

> the energy released by the
> Evangelion bringing an end to its short rebirth.

Rick: So how long do you think this EVA revival will last?
Rebecca: Untill the Brain Powerd revival.
Tsuneo: Hey! I liked that show!

> As the pillar faded away, Unit
> 04's eyes shut once more as it fell to its knees, and finally down on its face,
> within the ruins of a devastated level of the Geo-front.

Dan: Splat.
Rick: Graceful. I give it a 2.0.

>                      Maya: Target entirely annihilated.

Tsuneo: As opposed to *partially* annihilated, I assume.

>                      Makoto: Unit 04 has gone silent. We are no longer receiving
> any data from the entry plug.

Dan: That's because somebody tripped over the cord.
Rick: [Makoto] Hey, uh, is that Aoba's dead body behind that console?
Dan [Gendo]: Damn! He still gets his appearance fee!

>                      Misato: Have a rescue team retrieve Unit 04's entry plug
> and save the pilot..

Rebecca [Misato]: And let me know how many limbs he has left! Ritsuko and I have
a bet going!

>                      Ritsuko: Well... looks like we got lucky.

Tsuneo: Unfortunately, we didn't.

> * * *
>                      Fuyutsuki: It looks like the 7th may be more useful alive
> than dead.

Tsuneo: Well he can't pilot an EVA if he's dead, can he?
Rebecca: On the other hand, they could use him to prop the door shut.

>                      Gendo: At least until the arrival of the 6th Child in a
> week.

Rick: Yes, but is he *special?*
Tsuneo: Not this again.
Rick: We need to know these things!

>                      Fuyutsuki: I am still not convinced with the efficiency
> of the pilot that you chose for Unit 03.

Rebecca: I mean, a plank of wood? I'm not too convinced myself.
Rick: But is it a *special* plank of wood?

>                      Gendo: Whether you are convinced or not doesn't matter. The
> tests he has taken so far were conclusive, and his abilities are far beyond what
> we expected.

Rick: Ah, so he is special.
Dan: Yeah. He's coming by short bus.

>                      Fuyutsuki: I certainly hope you are right.
> End of Genesis 1:1

Rick: Hey, um, since I've been away so long, could I...
Rebecca: Be my guest.
Rick: Cool.

[Rick pulls out a remote control and "blips" the TV with it. Liquit metal pouts out of
a plot hole and encases the TV, along with the entire home entertainment unit, a
good portion of floor and Dan's boots]

Rick: The good ol' Inexplicable transform things into metal plot device!
Voice [Muttered]: Don't know why I even bother...
Dan: Welcome back, man. [Looks down] HEY! My feet are stuck!
Rebecca: Good to see you haven't lost it.
Tsuneo: I think I was about to loose it.
Voice: So, um, can I have your reviews now?
Rick: Sure thing, Headman.
Rebecca: Headman? Is that black Zoot-Suit Zorro or Orange pimp-daddy?
Rick: Pimp suit all the way.
Rebecca: Cool.
Voice: Review?
Rick: Yeah, well, you know what, Voice? In the end, I think I liked this fic
less then I liked Delta. Yeah, I know it sounds weird, but hear me out. This
fic was basically just like Delta Invasion, only with 90% more literacy. You'd
think a morel iterate Delta Invasion would be a better read then the original
steaming heap, right? Well... It just... wasn't. Y'see, the problem with this
fic was that, in the end it was that it was stupidly illogical and incoherent
but it just... well, you know. It lacked that certain charm of the sheer
stupidity and goofiness of Delta Invasion. Sure he'd fixed most of his grammar
and spelling problems but, you know... that was half the fun of Delta. It was
cool because it was so goofy and incoherent. I liked John for being special, I
liked Charles' needless duplication and sure as heck I loved the goofy fight
scenes. But this fic took away all the good things that made Delta so unique.
Tsuneo: So, in other words, it was less enjoyable for being a better fic.
Rick: Got it on one.
Tsuneo: Well, frankly I don't see why he bothered. He says the fic is new
and different from Delta, but it comes out all the same; the main characters are
marginalised, the end of the series is ignored, an impossible new character
takes over and fights hugely unimaginative post-angel beasties. If the fic
had continued, I have no doubt that he would have re-written the Evangelion
mythos and completely re-worked the original characters - again.
Dan: The fight scene blew royally. I mean - that was always the big thing
about DELTA for me, that it was all about fight scenes and they were lame. And
this one is no exception. We've got a so-called fight that takes up most of the
chapter, yet is dead boring. Heck, all he needed to do was rescue Asuka, and
the whole thing would be complete.
Rebecca: I, um... damn, you guys said it all.
Dan: It's good to have you back, Man. We missed ya.
Rick: Great to be back.
Tsuneo: And it's very brave of you to come back here. Especially since the
voice was trying to kill you.
Rick: Oh yeah. I forgot about that.
Rebecca: It was the reason we shot you into space in the first place.
Rick: I did wonder.
Voice: Er, actually, I wasn't trying to kill Rick.
Rick: YOu weren't? So why did I go rocketing into space?
Voice: Well-
Dan: Oh come on, Voice! Don't deny it! You were going to kill him!
Voice: I wasn't!
Dan: You said you were going to kill someone who's loud, disruptive, never
contributes and rarely turns up! That's Rick to a T!
Rick: Damn right.
Voice: Actually, it was Tango.
Rebecca: What, you planned to kill Tango?
Tsuneo: With what? A nuclear bomb?
Dan: Naw, that'd just stun him.
Voice: Yes, damn it! I was going to kill Tango! I'm sick of him turning up and
trashing the place all the time!
Rick: So... I went screaming out across the sky in a burning packing crate for
no reason.
Voice [Sobs]: Yes.
Rick: Aw, it's okay, Voice. I forgive ya. Besides, it gave me an excuse for me
not to work for a while.
Voice: Well, um... thanks... I think...
Rebecca: Funny thing is, after you vanished, Tango visiting became even more
common. Way to go, Voice.
Tsuneo: He only appeared more because you rigged the selection process.
Rick: The, uh, Selection process?
Dan: Well, um, You explain, Tsuneo.
Rebecca: Yeah, Tsuneo. You bought it up.
Tsuneo: Well, hell, I can't lie to you. With you gone, we decided to promote a
member of the B-Team to being a first-rank Riffer. So we held a series of try-out
sessions to determine who was best suited for the job. In the end, we invited
around everyone in the B-Team, plus several first-timers.
Dan: That blue babe was hot. For someone with blue skin.
Rick: So who'd you pick to fill my boots?
Tsuneo: Well, it didn't go as we planned. *Somebody* [He glares at Rebecca]
decided to sabotage the process so we'd have Tango as our try out more often
then not. So in the end, it was a complete annd utter disaster.
Rebecca: Don't blame me. The Viewers wanted him.
Rick: Frankly, I'm surprised you didn't hire Maya. She's smart, she's hot, she
gets some good lines and she goes great with BGC fics. How'd she do on her try
out anyway?

[Dead silence]

Tsuneo: I didn't see her on the list.
Rebecca: Don't look at me. You're the one who *insisted* on running it all himself.
Tsuneo: I... I could have sworn that her name was on the list.
Rebecca: What I gave you was the list I got. I didn't remove *anyone* from that
list.
Tsuneo: Well... umm...
Rick: Hey, don't worry about it, guys. We all make mistakes. How's about we all
get some drinks?
Dan: Now that's a plan!

[He tries to stand, but finds that his boots are stuck in the liquid metal. After
a few efforts, he just climbs out of his boots. The others join him]

Rick: By the way, did I tell you about the new idea I had for a comic?
Rebecca: Do we want to know?
Dan: Aw, come on. This could be cool.
Tsuneo: I know I'll regret this, but go ahead.
Rick: Aaaanyways, it's about an insane, nearly indestructible commando who bounces
around time, space, death and reality like a spastic pinball on speed.
Others: ...
Rick: What?! I think it's a great idea.
Tsuneo: How the *HELL* did you come up with that one?
Rick: I was talking to my friend Seketor, and he gave me the idea.
Dan: Skeletor?
Rick: Yeah, Skeletor Smith. He used to be in world domination, but he gave it up.
Now he's in accountancy. He works for the company now.
Rebecca: Would he happen to live at number 47 Aaaarg My Pants Are On Fire?
Rick: It's "Aaaarg My Pants Are On Fire" Crescent, Snake Mountain 7070, but yes.
Why do you ask? Did he apply for the job?

[Rebecca glares at Tsuneo]

Tsuneo: I thought it was an alias for Tango!
Rebecca: Yeah, you did.
Rick: Can I just ask one question? Who the hell is this guy?
Dan: Let's get a drink, Buddy. I'll tell ya one day.

[They leave. The Screen goes blank]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com), Zogster
(jinas@elmerstudios.com) and TwinCannon (TimEliot@TimEliot.com)

Dan, Tsuneo Tateo, Celena Harte, 3rd Edition Elana, Gem, Janice Ryale and Jo 
Mortis are copyright 1994-2003 Max Fauth (Zogster)
Rick R. Mortis, Rebecca Bartley, Alternate Universe Natasha (The one with no
Wires In her head), Karen McMillain, Sandra Blackmore, Jake, Talia, Bob the
Swordsman and Vic Hagen are copyright 1994-2003 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis).
Tango, Franklin Delano Minicon the Third, Skeletor Smith, Herbert Reverse-
Suction Stainmaster, Valintenez Alcalanella Siha Shushi La Boherez Gumbi 
Gomella Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andre Charton Himmel Valovinci Baldos 
George Dutzel Kaiser III and Grant Morrison On are all the one character who is 
copyright 1997-2003 "TS" Eliot (Twin Cannon)
Sarah K. Ferrari is copyright 2001-2003 Mike Surbrook (Susano)

Elmer Studios!:
	http://www.elmerstudios.com
	All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random
	DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one
	spot.

Rick's Cruel Mockery of HTML:
	http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm
	Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova
	Satori shrine, Osama Bin Laden's Camel, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp,
	all in one big steaming pile.

Rick's Forgotten Joes:
	http://www.ugolino.com/joe/rickr/rickr.htm
	Rick's profiles of figures he is inexplicably fond of. See Headman '02,
	A figure he is strangely obsessed with and many other, er, unique samples.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> [author's note: I smoke too much marijuana to make sense for both you and me,
> so bear with it, it adds to the mystery *cough* right. Back to the story!]