-------------------------------------------------------------------------- Episode 146 brings us to an interesting side-route - a double feature of Robotech shorts. There are two different fics by two different authours, but they're strangely similar. Robotech is copyright Harmony Gold Encounter in Beta Omicron is copyright vf_solo Betrayal in the Snowy Desert is copyright cadaverfox ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A miniature zepplin floats around the apartment.] [Dan and Rebecca enter, chatting] Rebecca: Well I think that no matter how you look at it, he was worse. Dan: Well I disagree. At least he looked at the other actors rather than the camera all the time. Rebecca: Well what do you expect? Your argument is flawed because your subject is a six year old kid. Mine is a so-called professional actor with several previous films to his credit. Dan: Little wooden boy there was about as professional as- Rebecca: A chubby kid who looked like Sealab's dolphin boy? Dan: ...I was going to say one of my socks... Rebecca: Case proven. Thus Hayden Christiansen is the worst Anakin Skywalker Because, unlike Chubby Cox there, he didn't have the "first film" excuse. Dan: Damn it. [Tsuneo enters] Dan: Hey there! Tsuneo: Hey. Voice! Can we get started? Dan: Whoah, whoah, what's the rush? Tsuneo: Nothing. Rebecca: Nothing? You're asking for the voice! Tsuneo: Just want to get it over with. Rebecca: While I can understand the sentiment, you know the voice never shows up until he's good and ready. Dan: Yeah, and we can't do a fic on only three people. Tsuneo: We have in past. Rebecca: Well, we haven't for ages. Besides, we've got a new temp coming. Tsuneo: Nuts. How long is this going to take? Rebecca: Well the voice has still got to find something. Dan: C'mon, you know he prepares these things. Rebecca: Get real. That's why he shows up at odd times - he's still trawling for fics at the last minute. And you've seen how much he's been reaching of late. Dan: Good point. It certainly explains some of the weird stuff we've been doing. Tsuneo: How long is this going to take? Dan: Patience, Grasshopper. [Tsuneo gives him a filthy look] [A young woman enters. She has long blonde hair tucked under a baseball cap and blue eyes. She is wearing a loose baseball jacket over a plain t shirt and blue jeans] Woman: Hey guys! Been a long time. Dan: Hey! I remember you! You're Karen. Woman: Karen? No! Dan: Uh, you're not? Rebecca: No, Karen was the short psychotic one with the flamethrowing umbrella. Dan: Don't remind me. Woman: Do you mind? Dan: Sorry about that, Natasha. Woman: Who's Natasha? Rebecca: She was the manic-depressive telekinetic amnesiac with the chainsaw and the wires in her head. Dan: And I thought I had problems. Woman: You do. Dan: Sorry. Got it now. You're Elana. Rebecca: She's the elf. Woman: Do I look like an elf to you? Dan: Depends on the latest revision. Woman: NO! Dan: I got it. You're the gun-toting midget we had a few experiments back. Rebecca: Dan, she was Japanese. Dan: She was? [Rebecca hits him] Woman: I'm Janice. I used to work with you guys. Dan: Really? Don't remember you at all. Tsuneo: Probably because she wasn't insane. Can we get on with it? Janice: Not insane? Rebecca: Long story. Tsuneo: Basically, it means you stand out from the rest of our guests. Janice: Makes sense, really. Voice: Hello again. Rebecca: Greetings, Olmec god. How's the basement? Voice: The what? Tsuneo: Don't bother. What have we got? Dan: Well you're enthusiastic today. Voice: Well not quite yet. First, I see we've got a new guest. Janice: Ahem! [She crosses her arms and taps her foot] Voice: Er, well, anyway, would you care to intro- I mean, re-introduce yourself? Janice: I guess. My name's Janice Ryalle, and I'm a mercenary and part-time mecha designer. I'm generally a nice person unless people tick me off, which is probably about to happen again. I HAVE done this job before and I DO know what I'm doing. Rebecca: So why didn't he recognise you? Tsuneo: She was a brunette last time she was here. Dan: She was? Janice: I was? Tsuneo: ...right. Rebecca: For the record, Janice is from 14 years before Celena and 70 years before Natasha version 2. Dan: Version 2? Rebecca: The one with the wires in her head. Tsuneo: *Now* can we get started? Voice: I guess... [They sit - Janice and Tsuneo facing the TV, Dan and Rebecca on the sideways couch] Voice: I've lined up a pair of Robotech shorts for you today. Janice: Great! I love mecha shows. Tsuneo: Prepare to be disappointed. [The TV switches on] > Encounter in Beta Rebecca: -max. > Omicron Janice: Tango Foxtrot Romeo Whiskey. [Dan hands her a glass] Thank you! > By: vf_solo > A normal, dark, weekday afternoon, Dan: It was going to be a dark and stormy night. > Lt. Chad Malloy was on his normal scouting mission in Sector Beta Xi. Tsuneo: So is that eleven or "Zy?" Dan: ZY! Tsuneo: Right... > Hot-dogging around in his Veritec, All: MAVERICK! > this was to be his 500th sortie, and one that he will never forget. Janice: Because he spilled coffee in his lap. [Dan and Tsuneo wince] > "Ahhh, ever since our > last encounter with the Zentradi, these scout missions just don't seem to be > fun anymore. Rebecca: Gee, sorry military life isn't living up to your expectations! > Day in and day out, fly, fly, and fly. That's all there is to do. > Just fly." Being a recon scout can get to be boring at times. Tsuneo: We'd never have guessed. Janice: Would you rather have them shooting at you? Rebecca: That can be arranged. > Chad, who fly's solo scout missions, Janice: Stupid question time. Why do they send him alone on long-range recon missions? Dan: Maybe they just don't like him. > tends to pass time by talking to himself. Dan: [Chad] ...So anyway, I was talking to my Aunt Edna and... Wait, did I ever Tell you about my Aunt Edna? Well she's my Aunt on my mother's side, but she's Older than my mum but younger than Uncle Bert. Anyway, she makes these brilliant pumpkin scones. I mean, they're just great. Next time I'm there, I'll see if I can get some for you. You've really got to try them. Anyway, Aunt Edna said... Hey, am I boring you? > Sometimes he talks to his VF_1 even though it doesn't talk back. Janice: [Veritech] I'm the brains of this partnership. > Still Chad feels that his > fighter is his baby and that she understands everything that he says. Rebecca: [Excel] And stop pretending you understand human words! It's unfair on all the other mecha! > Needless to say he spends his time flying in and out of asteroid fields, Tsuneo: Needless to say because you hadn't brought it up at all? Janice: That's assuming there's asteroids to dodge. Dan: And if there aren't, he goes and finds them. > dodging debris and firing on various sized rocks. Rebecca: [Chad] Take that you igneous bastard! > Sometimes thinking that these asteroids are > Zentradi fighters and that the fate of the SDF-Victory Tsuneo: The SDF-Victory? Janice: I'll take nondescript, authour-created ships for 200! > depends on his fortune of eradicating the enemy. Janice: Oh, now I see why they send him on solo patrols. They want to get rid of him! Rebecca: Whatever he does in his own time is fine. As long as he doesn't waste ammo doing it. > "Take that Zentradi swine, you are no match for my > skill. Go meet your maker". Dan: Wouldn't it be funny if he wasted all his ammo blasting rocks and a real enemy came along? > And now you know why the resident psycho-therapist > on the Victory is asking Admiral Ward to scratch Malloy from further missions > until a full psychological examination is performed. Rebecca: And if the admiral can't spot it himself, he doesn't deserve the rank. > Through all his > showboating, impressing no one but himself and his ship that he feels can hear > him; Janice: [Veritech] You're crap. Tsuneo: He needs to get out more. > he fails to realize a mysterious blip on his long-range sensors. Janice: It's the Comet Empire steaming straight towards him! All: Hail emperor Zuoh-Doh! > Finally > after a good 15 minutes of daydreaming that he saved the Victory and won the > affection of Lalana, the beautiful first officer of Admiral Ward, Rebecca: He also has that daydream alone in the toilet. Tsuneo: [Chad] I'd like to thank all the little people who made this Nobel Peace Prize possible. Thank you, thank you. > he noticed the strange blip. Dan: It's a wibbly-wobbly swirly thing and it's heading straight towards you! Tsuneo: [Ruri] That man's an idiot. > Shaking out of his daze he took a closer look at his long- > range sensors. "Hmmm, I thought Beta Omicron sector was void of any presence, Dan: They're just passing through. > but my thermal scans are pinging through the ceiling. Janice: That's because your pants are on fire. > I should radio in to the Victory to let them know what I have found." Rebecca: Congratulations! You've passed "Thinking 101!" > Contemplating on whether he > should notify command, he decided to forgo the radio and take a closer look on > his own. Rebecca: I stand corrected. > "Ahh what could it be, space junk probably, Tsuneo: So why's it giving off such a strong heat signature? Janice: Maybe it's a lost nuclear reactor or something. > besides, the sector is empty, Dan: Apart from the big, menacing blip that is. Tsuneo: Just like his head. > what is there to worry about." Rebecca: Well, there's the big metal planet with the huge claws and the mouth... > So, head out of the clouds and perception back to normal, Janice: Not this boy. Not ever. Rebecca: And with a sudden attack of the munchies. > Malloy sets his nav-coordinates to 54.2 mark 8 Beta Omicron. Tsuneo: And we have title. Dan: Er, it's the other way... > The Veritech's afterburners powered up, and with a big jolt, Malloy > was accelerating to terra-Sonic speed. Janice: Terra-sonic? Is that the new character in the next Sonic Adventure? > ETA: 3 minutes 50 sec. > Now 4 minutes is an extremely short period of time, Rebecca: Not when you're in a dentist's waiting room. > but to someone who has a > million questions on what the unknown might be, 4 minutes seems to be > infinity. Dan: [Chad] Are we there yet? Tsuneo: [Chad] No. Dan: [Chad] Are we there yet? Tsuneo: [Chad] No. Dan: [Chad] Are we there yet? Tsuneo: [Chad] No. Janice: [Veritech] Stop it you two, or I'm turning around and going straight home! > As time passed his mind raced even more. Rebecca: [Chad] Did I remember to turn the oven off and put the cat out? Janice: [Chad] Did I remember to turn the cat off and put the oven out? Dan: [Chad] Did I remember to take the cat out of the oven? > Curiosity drove him wild. Tsuneo: Well, they say curiosity killed the cat... Dan: Yeah, because he forgot to take it out of the oven! > The tension and anxiety built by every passing second. Tsuneo: [Deadpan] The tension is killing me. > Finally 20,000 clicks > from his destination, Chad kills the afterburners, fires the inertial > dampeners Janice: Veritechs don't have inertial dampners. Rebecca: Chad's off in his own little world now. > and beings to slow his Veritech down. "This is so strange, why are > the scanners blank? Infrared negative, thermal-scan negative, gamma scan > negative, tachyon probe...all negative. Janice: You don't have a gamma scan or tachyon probe! Dan: [Chad] Well that explains it all! Rebecca: What do you think this is, Star Trek? > What is going on? I couldn't have been seeing things back there could I? Janice: Stupid question again. Wouldn't you have seen it disappear if you were actually watching your screen? Rebecca: He was too busy trying to imagine what colour panties the admiral's assistant wears. > No, I can't be going crazy, I am not that type." Tsuneo: [Chad] That talks to himself, gets bored easily, shoots rocks and daydreams about the admiral's assistant. Just call me Doctor Fruitloop! > Scratching his head for a minute trying to determine the malfunction, Janice: [Veritech] That's right, blame me for everything. The fault's not in the equipment, that's all I'm going to say. Dan [Chad]: I check my instruments. Rebecca: Okay, give me a "Read Sensory Equipment" roll. Dan [Chad, rolls dice]: Uh, ninety-nine. Rebecca: According to your scanners, you're being attacked by a frost-free fridge. [Ding!] > "Damn it, what is going wrong." Then before scanners can react! BOOM! Dan: ZY! > Battledroids from the dark of space appear, Rebecca: Ironically, they were both WSP-1A Wasps. Tsuneo: OBSCURE! > two streaking past Malloy and one > heading straight for him. "What the hell is this? Where did they come from?" Dan: They were hiding behind that billboard. > All enemies seeing Malloy as a threat lock on and begin to fire. Chad, being > reflexive as he is, Janice: I don't know, is he? Might have helped to mention this. > kicks the burners and dodges enemy fire. Blasters fired > from the battledroid, just missing his Veritech, mistakenly hit a droid > approaching from the rear. Tsuneo: Where do they find these bots? Rebecca: The Trade Federation was having a garage sale. > "Yahoo, Janice: Google! Dan: Zy! > who's the ace. Rebecca: [Bored] Not you. Janice: Arnold J. Rimmer, but only in an alternate universe. > Man you fools are pathetic. > My dog sparks can shoot better then you idiots." Rebecca: And so can Fury. Yay Fury! Tsuneo: You've got to stop hanging around with those people. Rebecca: I resent that! Some of them aren't even people. > Being the expert that he is, Malloy quickly uses defensive maneuver delta7. Janice: He got hit. Dan: [Chad] I meant to do that. > Swerving in and out of asteroids. Janice: Well, I suppose this could be a well-rehearsed maneuver... If everywhere you went there were asteroids... Of certain sizes in a certain arrangement... > His criss-cross action and fancy flying cause one droid to smack > head on with a floater, destroying it instantly. Tsuneo: Oh, I get it. He learnt to fly from watching "The Empire Strikes Back." Rebecca: Damn Star Wars ruined everyone's perceptions of space travel. > And with a couple fancy loops > he positioned behind the final droid, opened fire, ripping its hull to pieces > and terminating it permanently. Tsuneo: [Deadpan] He blew it up. > "Ha, stupid robots. Janice: [Veritech] Ha, stupid human. > Can't mess with the best. They should of known better. Dan: [Chad] Turns out all my practice on asteroids paid off! > But I wonder what they were doing way out here. > Maybe they were lost from a convoy. Dan: [Chad] Maybe they were heading for that small moon. Tsuneo: [Chad] That's not a moon, it's a battle station. Janice: [Veritech] When you're all done talking to yourselves... > Why here? There is no one near this > sector." Pondering what the answer could be, while his Veritech flies on > autopilot, Janice: [Veritech] Well I say autopilot, but it's not really autopilot is it? It's me! It's muggins here doing all the work. > he is greeted by a couple more friends. Dan: [Chad] CHAD! Tsuneo: [Chad] Chad! Great to see you! Rebecca: Do you think you're taking this thing a little too far? Dan: Nope. Tsuneo: Next question. > Alarms on his sensors shoot > off, warning Malloy of the incoming threat. "Ha more bozo's to shoot down. > Well let's get this over with then head back to the Victory to give my > report." Janice: Still haven't considered letting them know? Rebecca: Are you kidding? He might have to share the experience points then! > He maneuvers his Veritech 180 degrees just to be greeted with > absolute disbelief. 25 battledroids have emerged out of the shadows and race > toward Lt. Malloy. Rebecca: Well I was hoping something spontaneous yet not entirely unexpected like this would happen. > "Oh no, where on Victory did these things come from. Janice: I think it's a safe bet they didn't come from the Victory. > This is impossible." Tsuneo: No, just stupid. > Malloy engages the first droid he sees, blasting it in two. One after another > he takes them out, until the ace finally makes a fatal flaw. Rebecca: Nope, he did that ages ago. > One droid managed > to sneak around and from his blind side opened up its blasters and scored a > critical hit on the Veritech right engine. Rebecca: I'd use the optional critical hit table, but they left it out of this Edition. Again. Tsuneo: Obscure. Rebecca: I try. > Flying crippled Malloy managed to > splash two more droids until his second engine was hit. His propulsion > destroyed, nav-com fried from battle stress, blasters almost drained of ammo, Janice: [Veritech] I told you this would happen, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, I'm just the mecha you're piloting, I don't get into your little world. Dan: [Chad] Shut up! You can't talk anyway! Janice: [Veritech] So why do you talk to me? Dan: [Chad] Chad gets so boring sometimes. > he positioned his Veritech to the biggest, and closest asteroid he could find > and tried to make it. Dan: [Chad] I'm gonna ram it! > Two clicks to go, and 13 droids converging on his rear, > all taking pop shots at him. Tsuneo: "Pop shots?" Rebecca: Yeah, they're throwing top twenty CDs at him. Tsuneo: Best thing to do with them. > Some hitting, some missing, his vf_1 badly > damaged, he approached the asteroid at an alarming rate of speed. Janice: You know, in the long history of aircraft versus mountains, the aircraft are yet to score a single point. Rebecca: Why start now? > With his inertial dampeners hit Dan: Don't you know? They're always the first to go. > he had no way of slowing down. Janice: Reverse thrust? Deploy the legs forward for a sudden backwards kick like everyone else does? Use your Veritech's arms to swing around a tree? Wave a cushion at it and say "go away naughty asteroid?" > Thinking he is a lost cause Tsuneo: We thought that long ago. > the droids pull up and watch as the vf_1 descends to its doom, crashing > on the asteroids surface. Janice: You know you've got an ejection seat. > "I can't believe it, this is it, it's all over for > me now. What a way to go out. What about my dog sparks? And what about Lalana, Dan: Don't worry, she'll take care of Sparks for you. Rebecca: [Sparks] So far it's been discovered that I like cheese. Thus I have 90% more character development than anyone else in this fic. > she'll never get to know how much I care for her." Dan: [Chad] And to think, I spent all those hours stalking her just to learn everything about her. > With all options possibly > exhausted he prepares for the crash and his final demise. Dan [Chad]: Goodbye Chad. Nice knowing you. Tsuneo [Chad]: Likewise, buddy. Dan [Chad]: Goodbye, Veritech. Janice [Veritech]: I'm not talking to you since it's your stupidity that's going to get us all killed. > But then, just then, he thinks of an ingenious plan. Rebecca: He's going to pretend to be a superhero and use his influence to replace the president with a biker chick in disguise so he can become the sectary of defence and build a secret base under the Lincoln Memorial. Brilliant! Dan: So... How does that help him with the asteroid? Rebecca: Oh, well, I mean, AFTER the asteroid, obviously. Dan: Oh yeah, of course. > The possibility to pull this off was about as good as him surviving the crash. Tsuneo: Prayer helps. > Not looking good he positioned to give it a > go, his only hope, the TOPL Janice: Which stands for "Extremely Awkward and Unlikely Acronym." Dan: Aren't they the guys who were behind All Your Base? Tsuneo: That's Toplan. Dan: Well wasn't that Charlie Sheen's character in Hot Shots? Tsuneo: No, that was Topper. Dan: Well then isn't it a kind of radar? Tsuneo: No, that's Doppler. Dan: So isn't it a type of tree-dwelling primate with a prehensile tail that lives in Madagascar? Tsuneo: No, that's a lemur, but nice work at bringing in a running gag. Dan: I try. > (Tethered Override Procedure for Landing) maneuver. Rebecca: Ground Effective Reinforcement of Winged Armament with Locomotive Knee- joint! Janice: Military Operation Soldier Protection Emergency Aviation Dive Armour! Tsuneo: Mobile Data Access Terminal! Dan: Zeonic Armoured Korps Unit! [They all glare at him] Sorry. Rebecca: You know what's the penalty for using apocryphal translations in this house? > This technique, which was covered very briefly in academy lectures, > was experimental when it was proposed Janice: Well, presumably. They wouldn't propose something that was already in use. > and is experimental to this day. Tsuneo: Is he about to do something stupid? Rebecca: Yes. Tsuneo: And why is this any different to normal? > Very > dangerous as it is, the only two times that it was attempted resulted in fatal > accidents and the loss of two test pilots. Tsuneo: Fatal accidents *and* the loss of two test pilots? Anyone care to explain that? Janice: They were standing around having coffee when they got hit by flying debris. > What the plan was was to deploy a > bungee like tether from the rear of the plane onto some sort of surface, > perform a flat belly landing, and roll to a stop once the stretched cable has > performed its job. Janice: Providing that the plane has a bungee-like tether installed and assuming there is a flat surface directly behind the plane within reach of the tether and assuming that the tether can support the weight and velocity of a crashing Veritech. Rebecca: Or you could just convert to Guardian mode and use the downward pointing thrusters to decelerate. Janice: Or he could do that. > Finally to release the cable at the end, and avoid the > recoil pulling the plane backwards. Janice: In order to do that, you'd have to be very precise with the timing of the release. If he messed up, it'd be pretty bad. Dan: Yep. Janice: But funny. Dan: Definitely. > With the landing gears malfunctioning Tsuneo: Landing gear rarely matters in head-ons. > and > only one bottom thruster operational his chance of surviving this theoretical > technique was slim to none. Dan: So he went ahead and did it anyway. > But with nothing to lose, other then his life, it > was the only option he had. To his fortune a rock column rising up from the > ground was the perfect object to Tsuneo: Crash straight into and skewer himself. Rebecca: Notice how he's suddenly gone from heading straight at the asteroid to flying parallel to it. Janice: Notice how the authour has no idea what he's writing about. > deploy his tether to. Maneuvering best he could with one thruster Dan: You know, this is the slowest crash I've ever seen in my life. > he raced passed the column deployed the tether and > prepared for the belly landing. Janice: So the tether doesn't actually stop you from hitting, does it? Rebecca: Well, no. Janice: So it's really not much use in this situation then, is it? Rebecca: Well, no. Janice: So what does it actually do for him then? Rebecca: Makes him look like more of an idiot before he dies. > The plane smashed down, jostled back and > forth, Malloy tried his best to maintain stability with his vf-1. The impact > was so severe jolting his head back and forth in a whiplashing motion. Tsuneo: Is it wrong to cheer at this point? Rebecca: Yeah, but don't let it stop you. > He was > able to disconnect the cable right before it started to recoil back. Cable > flying back the Veritech stood motionless, and so did Malloy. Dan: [Chad] Look at that, a perfect 59 point landing. > He survived the crash, but to what extent. Tsuneo: I don't know, how about you tell us? > To the ingenuity of the scientists who designed to > Veritech fighter, they gave it one special feature, Dan: The ability to turn into a giant robot. > Magnetically Shielded > cockpits. Mainly used to protect pilots from the sun when solar flares spark > up, and their Veritech are bombarded with radioactive charged proton gamma > bursts, Tsuneo: Does he have any idea what he's saying? Dan: Exposed to gamma radiation, Chad Malloy undergoes an incredible transformation and becomes the Indescribable Dolt. > it also has another unique benefit. Sensors cannot penetrate into the > cockpit. As the battle droids swoop from above, their sensors sweep over the > destroyed fighter. They sense no sign of life; coming to the conclusion the > pilot is dead. Janice: Then again, there wouldn't have been any sign of life when it was shooting at them. Tsuneo: Whoever programmed these droids was an idiot. > Mission completed. The droids skirt off leaving behind an > injured, but still alive, Lt. Chad Malloy. Dan: [Chad] Of course, now I'm equally screwed. > When Chad comes too 10 hours later > he slowly realizes what has happened. Rebecca: Since he didn't contact the ship and warn them of the approaching swarm of battledroids, it fell victim to a surprise attack. With the Earth's main line of defense removed, it was a simple matter to invade and conquer. Congratulations dumbarse, you've doomed us all. Dan: [Chad] Does this mean Lalana won't go out with me? > Slowly but confidently joy overrides his pain. Dan: [Chad] I'm bleeding and it's cool. > He knows he is alive and to his knowledge he has performed the TOPL > maneuver correctly. Inflating his ego over his battered body, Tsuneo: Oh, he's good at that. > knowing he is > the only one to perform TOPL and live to tell about it. Rebecca: Well, live. Barely. Telling anyone is a different matter. > But how much telling > will he do if he is left to die on a deserted asteroid. His ego slowly > subsiding, as his survival skill take over, "What can I do to get out of this > mess. Let see what's working, Engines-Gone, Navcomm-Fried, Shields-Nothing!, Janice: [Chad] Wait, I didn't have any shields to start with! > Weapons-Destroyed, Hull Integrity-30%, Basic Life Support!- oh no! 26minutes > remaining. Great I am as good as dead. Tsuneo: Because you're communicator's working and you can call for help, and people would have come to look for you in the last ten hours. Dumbarse. > This damaged heap of garbage is going to be my coffin. Janice: [Veritech] That's it, I'm not talking to you any more. Tsuneo: [Chad] Me neither! > This is no way for someone like me to go. If I only had one > more chance." Rebecca: Poor Chad Malloy. I am the Great Will of the Macrocosm. With my great powers I will return you to your faithful dog and your sexy fantasy girlfriend and- [beep] Oh, must run! Dan [Chad]: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! > Little will he know, he rolled his dice and got his one chance, > but could he capitalize on it? Janice: So what can he do at the moment? Tsuneo: Asphyxiate. > From the Journal of Andrew F. Ness(part one)betrayal in the snowy desert Rebecca: The Venomous Great Escape From Hell! > By: cadaverfox > It was late and cold as usaul Dan: It was going to be another dark and stormy night. > and I could barely feel the tingling in my > frostbitten fingers but I guess when your legs are rapped around the front > wheel of a cyclone that sort of thing happens. Tsuneo: If my legs were tangled up in Cyclone's wheel, frostbite is the last thing I'd be worried about. > I was just greatful that I had > gotten away from those invid scouts with my life. It was a good thing that the > snow was this thick cause they would have caught me for sure if the weather > had been more fair. Dan: [Andrew] Because I'm on ground, and they can fly! Wait a minute... > I had stolen a weeks worth of protoculture from some underground storage unit > that had been completely forgotten about by humankind but not by Invidkind to > my future knowledge. Rebecca: So do you know it yet, or not? And if you don't, how can you be writing about it? > I wish I had known this before hand cause I would have > never trotted into that place so oveconfintly as I did. I had learned of the > place form this legless drunk Dan: Yes, drunks are often legless. Janice: I think he meant "Did not have any legs" legless, not "Bombed out of his skull" legless. > I met on the outskirts of some village the invid > spared from there attacks, but because of this the people were forced to be > slave farmers for the invid little worker bee's to the queen but in this case > many queens it was a horrible sight to see what these people would do to save > there own hides, I am telling you they were'nt human being's anymore they were > cattle. Tsuneo: Say, do you think either of these authours have ever heard of the paragraph? Or even the sentence? Rebecca: Who's narrating this, Excel? > The drunk with no legs Dan: Well there you go. > told me he use to hide protoculture in an > underground silo that was deserted when the southern cross was beat. He said > that he eventually left the place for fear of the Invid and only took some > small amounts of protoculture with him to sell,so he could buy a small farm > and a cow, Rebecca: Plus a house in the country and a boat. Tsuneo: Tell me, did this guy die shortly afterwards? > and if I bought him a drink or 3 he'd tell me where it was. Now I > should of been more cautious but I was low on proto bad Rebecca: And then some Red Star soldiers shot him. Bastards. > and was willing to beileve anything at that point Dan: [Drunk] And if you tickle Invid Shock Troopers in the right place, they'll fall down helpless and won't hurt you. Tsuneo: [Andrew] Really? Dan: [Drunk] And 640K of memory will be enough for everyone. Tsuneo: [Andrew] And here I've been trying to get by on 256 megs. > so I bought him 4 shouts of whiskey and a can > of old beer and his tounge became as loose as a pair of jeans on a model. Tsuneo: Well there's a weighty and improbable metaphor for you. Dan: And they look much better in tight jeans anyway. > He > said it was located just north of the village where the weather turns cold > even in the hottest summers. Janice: If you just step out of the city limits it goes from a tropical to arctic climate. Amazing. > So I bought myself a very heavy coat and went on > my way. I only had 4 days before I was suppose to meet up with my friends and > the squadren we had put together to attack reflex point it was small but we > hoped that when we arrived there that there would be more RDF solidiers > waiting for the chance to attack or already in the heat of battle, and that we > could perhaps join them and finallly liberate the earth. Dan: Or not. Tsuneo: And breathe! > I rode my cyclone > across the desert for about a day and a half my supply of protoculture was > running dangerously low to the point I began pushing my cyclone to save fuel > for the ride back. Janice: But won't you have more fuel on the way back anyway? > 32 hours had past and still no silo or snow Dan: [Andrew] Just north of the village my arse. How hard can it be to find a snowed-in underground bunker in the middle of a desert? > I almost turned > back but decided to camp for the night then leave in the morning and find the > old drunk and force him to pay me back the money I spent on alchol for him. Tsuneo: Beating money out of the town drunk? Oh yeah, you'll get a long way doing that. > At > the moment my eyes began to become heavy and hard to hold open a cold wind > blew hard and furious through my little camp and when I rose up out of my > sleeping bag only in my issued undershorts and tank top Janice: Say... A description would be nice, but I can dream. Rebecca: [Andrew] Then I realised that these aren't mine, they're my sister's and I realised that I'd been wandering around post apocalyptic Earth in women's underwear for ages which is really strange because I hadn't seen her in years yet it had her name embroidered on them and I also realised that this is why the rest of my team kept sniggering behind my back and except for one guy who was strangely fascinated and kept on being nice to me for no apparent reason > I saw somthing that > would make the greatest of poets weep and fall prey to glorious inspiration. Dan: The last outhouse left in the world! > In the night sky blew snow from far off in the distance. I looked through my > binoculars and saw that about 6 miles or so away the desert stoped like a > river to a damn's mighty wall, there was nothing but sand then suddenly a > blizzard. Janice: Meteorologist have been trying to explain it for years. Rebecca: You know, we were only joking about the sudden climatic shift. > It was a strange and beautyful sight to see and I knew that just > past that border of sand and snow was that silo filled with protoculture. Dan: And, probably, lots of polar bears. > I started up my cyclone and rode off into the desert that would soon become > snow. Dan: [Andrew] I believe everything the drunk says! > I found it very hard to see and menuver through the the blizzard I rode > until it was almost impossible to not get stuck in the snow that covered the > ground so I slowed down to about 20 mph and kept going it must of been by some > occward type of luck that I crashed head on with the silo's front wall. Tsuneo: I mean, gods help him. He's just not that bright. > When I regained conicousness Janice: You know, I thought crashing into it was just a metaphor... > I realized that I was at the entrance of the silo and > that right inside was the protoculture I seeked. Rebecca: Actually, that's the buried underground silo next door. > The door was frozen shut but > I made that problem disapear with one shout of my cyclones cannon. Dan: His gun shouted at the door? Janice: It shouted "Bang." > I entered > the silo and the dim flourestent lights were still on what was powering this > place I had no idea but I didnt care as long as the old drunk was telling the > truth about the protoculture supply inside. Tsuneo: Although he wasn't too sure about the herd of pink elephants the drunk also described. > I looked around for awhile finding > a few sets of armor here and there and some old southern cross corpses still > in there body armor. Dan: Say, if legless dude hung around here so much, how come he never cleaned it out? Rebecca: He liked the company. > It seemed like just a grave yard at first but then I > found a room that was locked by a digitial code locking mechanism. I hooked my > cyclones online comp. up to the device and quickly hacked into the system and > cracked its code. Janice: [Andrew] 1 @|\/| l337 g1\/3 |\/|3 ju@r3Z! Dan: You don't know a guy called Tango, do you? Janice: No, why do you ask? Dan: That sounded just like him. > The doors slowly inched open to show an amazing amount of > protoculture canasters. There had to have been at the least 25 cases 6ft wide, > & 4 feet tall. I was in heaven there was enough here to supply a mid size > army. Tsuneo: He was amazingly well organised for a single bum. Rebecca: He may be a bum, but he's a neat one. > I loaded up as much as could carry on my cyclone and changed the code to > the door so that I could return later with my platoon and load it all up for > the battle at reflex point. Tsuneo: Why do I have this vision of him stumbling around the snow, followed by a dozen soldiers, telling them "I know it's around here somewhere, guys"? > When I was a about to exit the silo I heard a > rumbling on the roof then the ceiling suddenly tore open Dan: What do you know, it's got a breakaway roof. How convenient. > to reveal the snowy > white sky above the silo and two invid scouts entered afterward. Janice: [Scout] We could have used the huge hole you blasted in the wall, but where's the fun in that? > They would > have crushed me if I had not of turned into battliod mode. They fired upon me > with there back lazers right above there little eyes. But they missed. Rebecca: You wouldn't be here to recount this if they'd hit, would you now? > My > cyclone was at half its capabilities because of the weight of the protoculture > cannisters on my back. So there was really no chance of me being able to fight Tsuneo: So drop them and fight back! They won't do you much good if you're dead. > both of them by myself Janice: Someone remind me why they sent him to look for protoculture *alone?* Rebecca: Hmm, this sounds awfully familiar. > I had to get out of there but as I was about to retreat 2 more scots Dan: [Scottish] Och, you nae be stealin' our Protoculture, laddie! > and a invid shocktrooper stepped out of the shadows it was an > ambush that old man had set me up. Rebecca: Or it could be that they followed you here while you were stumbling around in the snow like an idiot. > How could another human being do such a thing. Tsuneo: They offered him booze and arms. Dan: Arms? Tsuneo: His own. He gets to keep them. > I was cornered there was only one thing I could do Janice: [Andrew] But it required at least one live chicken and a Rabbi. > I flew back about 10 > ft and fired 4 mini missles at the door that blocked the room where the > protoculture lyed. Tsuneo: Didn't you want to come back for that? > It exploded in a firey hallow of shrapnel and heat. Then > before the invid could fire upon me again I sent two more missiles into the > now open room and flew up to the opening in the ceiling that the invid scots > had made. Rebecca: They threw their cabers at it. > I was blown about 40ft away from the silo cause of the force of > blast from the explosion of the protoculture canisters, Dan: Does Protoculture explode? Rebecca: Only when Michael A. Stackpole is writing. > what a waste they could > have been used for so much more than to save my own skin. Janice: The good part is that you're alive. The bad part is that your buddies will kill you for blowing up the stash. > I started up my > cyclone and rode off but I didnt get as far as 10 ft far where I had landed > when 2 scots came out of the snow and fired upon me. Dan: [Scottish] Yeh cannae get awae from oos that easy, laddie! > If thier aim was as good > as there ability to suprise they could have hit one of the proto canistiers on > my back and that would have been the end of me but a scouts aim is not that > good Rebecca: Pity. > so I speed up to about 95 mph my sight was now completely blinded by the > quickly falling snow that hit my helmets visor I must have hit a large rock or > something Dan: Man, I drive better than this guy. Rebecca: Sparks the dog from the previous fic drives better than this guy. > because I awoke to find my legs wraped inside my cyclones wheel Tsuneo: And now we're back to the start of the fic again. Janice: [Singing] Oh don't forget/That way we were... > the > Invid must have thought me dead and went back to inform there leader because I > was still alive. Tsuneo: So they thought you were dead because you were alive, and told their leader that... AACK! Rebecca: C'mon Tsuneo, we're nearly there. Tsuneo: I've gone blind again. > That was the one thing good about a scot troop Rebecca: Uniform regulations meant they had to wear something under their kilts. > a shoktrooper > would have blown my body to bits to make sure I was dead, but a scot > insinuates the best. Tsuneo: ...does anyone have a clue what he just said? > I hobbled out of the snow and got on my cyclone amazingly > it still ran as many lives as acat Janice: Unless you put it in the oven, that is. > I thought and rode back to town I radioed > to my squad and they said theyd pick me up in a few hours later I found the > legless drunk and gave him a tratiors fate. Dan [Andrew]: ATOMIC NOOGIE! > I was picked by my squad and we > started for Reflex Point, the place where we would find eithier death or > victory. Janice: With the way he's going? The former. > From the Journal of Lt. Andrew F. Ness > July 9th 2044 Rebecca: Someone should tell him that he's missed the battle of Reflex Point by about five years. Tsuneo: Let's not, it's more fun this way. [The TV switches off. Janice leans forwards and places a small device on the table] Dan: What's that? Janice: You'll see. Dan: Serious, I want to know! Janice: Not yet. Move over first. Dan: Huh? [Rebecca grabs Dan by the arm and hauls him away from the couch] Janice: Give it a bit. Voice: Well while you're waiting, could you please do your reviews? Dan: Y'know, I find it really hard to get into a fic when all we really know about the main character is his name and what he pilots. The setting of the first one was easily the loosest of them both, since it's based on an authour- created ship with a whole new crew and everything, but we don't get a proper introduction to it. With the second, the setting can be assumed but it's still rather loose, since it's once again all new characters and locations. Tsuneo: One thing I noticed was the two fics were so much alike. Think about it. They both follow the exploits of a lone soldier and his mecha, wandering around on their own when they should have support. They both follow odd leads into ambushes and escape by pulling a bizarre and stupid maneuver - bungee jumping and shooting inert canisters. Then they both crash, and the enemy unwisely leaves them for dead. I'm sure this is significant, but it'd hurt me too much to figure out why. Janice: I have got to say it, but both our heroes were rock stupid. It kinda bugs me that we're meant to be cheering for such total morons. They couldn't think their way out of the proverbial paper bag. The only reason they last out to the end of their stories is dumb luck and the unlikely fact that their opponents are even dumber than them. [Rebecca stands and Salutes] Rebecca [Excel]: The one thing I noticed about the writing style of both these fics is the way both authours completely disregarded paragraphs and sentence structure in favour of near non-stop run-ons that just went on forever and ever and only served to make a pair of allready confusing fics even more confusing and unreadable and showed that the two authours seemed to have little or no idea whatsoever what they were doing. [She sits] Tsuneo: Fine. If we're all- [The window smashes in and a large, aerodynamic bomb hurtles through and impacts with the TV, blasting it, the cabinet and the back wall to smithereens. Rebecca picks up Janice's device and examines it] Rebecca: A pocket target designator. Cute. Janice: I'm hoping to get them into the stores by Christmas. Tsuneo: [Stands] Right. Well, gotta run. Dan: Whoah, hold on there. Tsuneo: Oh, no... Dan: What's the big rush anyway? Rebecca: He's probably headed for another meeting of Ayanami fans anonymous. Tsuneo: No. Janice: Are you still on that? Tsuneo: No, I'm not. Dan: Something on the tube? Can I come and watch? Tsuneo: No! Janice: Your import of Final Fantasy XI has arrived? Tsuneo: No. And I got that last week. Rebecca: He's got a date. Tsuneo: ... Dan: That's it, isn't it? Tsuneo: Yes, alright? Can I go now? Others: Tsuneo's got a girlfriend, Tsuneo's got a girlfriend! Tsuneo: I don't believe this... [The screen goes blank. The chanting continues.] Voice: I've got to get one of those. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) & Zogster (jinas@elmerstudios.com) Janice, Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1995-2002 Max Fauth (Zogster) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-2002 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. Rick's Cruel Mockery of HTML: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova Satori shrine, Osama Bin Laden's Camel, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp, all in one big steaming pile. Rick's Forgotten Joes: http://www.ugolino.com/joe/rickr/rickr.htm Rick's profiles of figures he is inexplicably fond of. See Headman '02, A figure he is strangely obsessed with and many other, er, unique samples. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > I found it very hard to see and menuver through the the blizzard I rode > until it was almost impossible to not get stuck in the snow that covered the > ground so I slowed down to about 20 mph and kept going it must of been by some > occward type of luck that I crashed head on with the silo's front wall.