Somewhere... “Welcome back to Elmer Celebrity Deathmatch!” The enthusiastic voice called out over the packed stadium, the roar of the excited crowd loud in the background. “I’m Henry J. Urgleflogger and with me, as always, is Big Jim Beef.” “That’s right, Henry!” A second voice chimed in, gruff but yet still affable. “And boy do we have a match for you tonight!” The arena floor below them was illuminated from dozens of lights, yet stood empty for the moment. “It’s come down to the quarter-finals of the Metafictional Elimination Tournament, and things have been getting pretty intense.” Henry continued. “The battles have been coming hot and hard, two fighters going at it with sheer power and intensity. But at the end of the day, only one of them can come out on top!” “Riiiight.” Big Jim managed to keep a straight face through the wall of inadvertent innuendos that his broadcast partner blurted out, instead concentrating on the matters at hand. “And today we have two dark horse contenders facing off, ones that nobody expected to see here.” “I don’t think we’ve seen bigger dark horses since Evil Pegasus faced off with Fuunsaki” Henry added. “And don’t forget folks, the winner of this contest will be on their road to the grand final at Elmerpalooza this indeterminate time period, bought to you by Tharonja’s!” He excitedly exclaimed. “Tharonjas: Push Button, Get Bacon!” “Nice shilling there, partner.” Jim muttered, only to be drowned out by a shriek from the crowd. “The contestants have entered the arena, and the crowd is going wild!” The first contestant, a woman in red, seemed to catch a lot of attention as she walked in. “And I can see why!” Henry cooed as the camera zoomed in on the under-dressed shape (and what a shape it was) of Wanda Maximoff, the Scarlet Witch. “She’s one hot contender! The Scarlet Witch has been powering her way through the ranks of the competition; her opponents unprepared for the sheer chaos she unleashes with both her hex blasts and her reality-warping chaos magic.” “Hot or not, she’s got a lot to contend with.” Big Jim countered. “Her opponent is a real monster – literally.” A quick cut underscored the statement, focusing on the massive, purple-skinned, two- headed reptilian beast . “Chromaggus, the destroyer of Raid Guilds, a creature who is as unpredictable as he is savage!” “And we’re off!” Henry shouted as the opening bell rang. “The pair of them seem to be not holding back here, rather going straight for the big guns!” Pink energy crackled in the Scarlet Witches’ hands as she stared down her massive opponent. “Looks like Witchy-Poo is getting ready for some of those chaotic Hex blasts that have devastated her enemies and turned the arenas into so much pink truffle sponge!” “And Chromaggus’ is shimmering, changing colour...” Big Jim continued as he watched the massive creature. “Bronze Breath! Bronze Breath! He can stop or turn back time with that one!” His excitement was palpable as he excitedly watched the huge creature unleash twin streams of white-hot sand from its mouths. As it did, the Scarlet Witch let fly with her own attacks, brilliant pink energy flying towards the massive creature. Two streams of unknowable energies met between the two of them, differing powers of chaos magic and time alteration washing over and intersecting, twisting, turning and then erupting in a brilliant ball of white light. EEEEE “What’s going on down there?” Henry J. Urgleflogger shouted out. “Looks like your basic Capcom fireball war to me...” Big Jim replied almost nonchalantly, then paused as the ball of light began to grow. “...or maybe not...” EEEEEEE “Did you hear that?” Henry nervously continued as the ball of light continued to expand, reaching out towards the two contestants as they, in turn, continued to pour power into it. “I hear a ringing in my ears.” Big Jim managed, eyes fixed on the events unfolding. “This... don’t look right.” EEEEEEEEEEEEE The ball of energy grew larger, consuming the two fighters before erupting outwards, growing exponentially as it surged to consume the arena. “What that sound?” Henry managed. “Oh no!” “Folks, we may be experiencing a small technical problem. We’ll try to be back with you as soon as we can...” Henry shouted out, moments before the ball of light consumed him, his broadcast partner, the arena, and, seemingly, all of reality. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ----- It was a nice apartment, well-lit, spacious and well furnished. A pair of nice, plush leather couches set the scene, arranged in a neat L-shape, with a small coffee table between them. What dominated the room, however, was the massive flat-screen against one wall, so big as to loom over all else around it. By comparison, the broad windows with views out over a strangely futuristic metropolis and the other doorways leading away to gods alone knew where seemed like afterthoughts. A man stepped in through what was, presumably, the outside door. Maybe a hair above average height and with an average build, he was none to impressive; his short, scruffy brown hair and blue eyes only adding to the picture. Everything about him said ‘casual’, especially the Hawaiian shirt and jeans. “Well, this is 1209...” He began, looking around for something undefinable. “And the door was open, so...” Shrugging to himself, he headed off to one of the side-rooms, returning with several bottles. “And the job ad did say that the facilities were at my disposal.” A second man entered; shorter than the first, his build was more athletic and clearly built for fighting. His features suggested a vaguely Asian background, his short black hair kept neatly trimmed while his eyes seemed to have an air of intensity to them. While his clothes were mostly casual, his jacket was adorned with numerous military patches and unit badges. “Hey! Tsuneo!” The first man began, a bag of purloined corn chips in his hand. “Long time no see... bro!” All but leaping over to the door, he extended a clenched fist. “Put her there!” Tsueno looked confused, then offered a slow, almost reluctant, fistbump. “Hey Rick. Didn’t expect to see you here. I guess we both answered that same ad.” Rick shrugged. “Amateur film review sounded better than nothing.” Tusneo raised a brow. “Nothing? I thought you were working on that graphic novel.” “It... is... in editing.” His tone was as unconvincing as possible. “So I thought I’d take a temp job while it gets... through. Yeah.” He gave a casual smile. “’sides, I’m working here with my best bud, so whatever happens it’ll be awesome.” “Yeah, I’m sure.” Tsuneo’s tone suggested anything but. “Still, it is good to see you again. And, as good as it was to fight alongside you, it’ll be just as good to be working with you again.” He became more upbeat, more genuine as he went, clearly relaxed. “So anyways, until our employer shows up, we’re free to abuse the snacks.” Rick added. “Awesome, huh?” “You haven’t changed at all.” Tsuneo smirked as he looked over the flatscreen. “Odd, there’s no remote, and no manual controls.” “Maybe they just mislaid the remote. I do it all the time.” Rick replied. “Hey check it out, they’ve got a soft serve machine in here” He stepped out of the kitchenette, a bag in hand. “Corn chip?” Tsuneo was about to reply when a third figure entered the room. Taller than Rick, he was also more heavily built then either of them. A handsome face was dominated by brown eyes and a layer of stubble, while his long brown hair was tied back to a scruffy ponytail. His shabby clothes, a mix of post-apocalyptic chic and cowboy detracted a little, as did the band-aid over his nose. “Nice place.” He began as he looked around. “And free booze too.” “A man after my own heart.” Rick spoke up. “You here for the review job?” “Hey, if there’s free booze, I’m in for anything.” He simply replied with a smirk. “Name’s Dan.” “Rick R. Mortis.” Rick began. “And that’s Tsueno Tateo.” He extended a hand, only to have Dan walk straight past it. “Nice stuff.” He commented, picking up a bottle and examining it. “Well, I like this job already.” “I suppose it’d be pointless to suggest an introduction, getting to know each other and acting like human beings, right?” Tsuneo dryly quipped. “Hey kid, as long as the drink’s good, I’ll be as friendly as the next guy.” He casually replied as he began pouring from one of the bottle. “Don’t care what we’re actually doing?” Tsuneo asked “Not one bit.” He grinned as he shook his head. “Relax, kid. This will be a breeze.” “And you haven’t changed a bit, Dan.” The man in question simply froze in place, holding a bottle. Rick and Tsuneo on the other hand, turned to face the door and the new voice. It belonged to a woman; tall, fit and definitely attractive, her black hair was tied back into a braid that came down to her mid-back, while her face was dominated by steel-blue eyes. Her sleeveless top showed off her figure, as well as her clearly mechanical left arm. “Good to see you, Dan.” “Oh you.” He turned around, trying and failing to act suave. “Great to see you again, Rebecca.” His tone made it clear that it was anything but. “Likewise, Dan.” She replied, her tone playful in reply. “Well I’m sensing some bad history.” Rick interjected. “You think? What gave it away?” Tsuneo dryly added, warily eyeing the pair of them. “Oh, there’s history, but it’s not what you think.” Rebecca shot back. “We had a little run-in some time back, cross swords in the line of work-“ “You blew that place up!” He accused. “Hey! That enigmatic ruin was going to blow up anyway. All I did was help it along.” Her tone was almost amused in her denial. “I was in there!” “And you got out fine with no harm done.” She finished. “See? No reason to carry a grudge.” “Yeah, this is going to be great.” Tsuneo muttered. Rick simply gave him a cheerful thumbs-up. “So you’re all here for the reviewer job too?” Rebecca asked. “No offence, but none of you look like the boss.” “That would be me.” A voice cut in, coming from everywhere and, at the same time, nowhere. “Wow. Our boss is a disembodied voice. Awesome.” Rick grinned. “It could be just a hidden speaker or communicator.” Tsuneo countered. “Don’t ruin all the fun, dude.” Rick shook his head. “I’m the one who placed the advertisement.” The voice continued. “And, as such, the one who is paying you.” “And who’s supplying the booze.” Dan grinned, having apparently regained his composure “That too.” The voice didn’t seem to miss a beat. “At any rate, what will happen is simple. I’ll show you a film, and I’ll ask you for commentary. At the end, I’ll also collect reviews.” “Sounds simple enough.” Rick nodded. “What could possibly go wrong?” Rebecca added in a mock British accent. “Anyway, if you’d like to take your seats, we’ll get the first exp- review started.” The four of them exchanged shrugs and glances, before settling in on the couches. Rick and Tsuneo next to each other facing the screen, while Rebecca plopped down next to Dan, much to his obvious distress. “Why are the hot ones always the psychos?” Dan muttered to himself, only to get hit on the back of the head with a cushion. “Today, you’ll be watching an Evangelion fan film called-“ “Um, excuse me.” Tsuneo interjected. “But what Evangelion is it based off?” There was a brief pause. “I... don’t follow you.” The Voice finally managed. “I mean, which version?” Tsuneo continued. “Is it the original series or with the movies as the end? Or the director’s cut? Or even the platinum edition, for that matter.” He paused for a moment under Dan’s confused gaze. “And yes, there are differences, ranging from the subtle nuance of translation to broad issues of character and continuity. And that’s before we even get to the rebuild.” There was another pause, one shared by everyone else in the room. “I... guess it’s based off the original TV series, in, uh, the original Japanese release with English subtitles.” “Glad we got that out of the way.” Tsuneo finished. The big screen switched on, necessitating a switch to script format. Rick: Say... what was the name of the film? Tsuneo cut the boss off. Dan: Who cares? We get paid at the end of the day and there’s free booze. How bad can it be? > New Characters' Nerv Profiles(up to Genesis 0:20) > 1/ Tom Dyron Rick: Tom! Aha! He's the saviour of the universe! > Date of Birth : January 9th, 2001 > Birthplace : San Francisco Dan [Tommy Weisau]: Why hello there Tom Dyron my old friend. > Height : 6'3" 1/2 Weight : 218lbs Tsuneo: Mighty big for a fourteen year old. Rebecca: He had a growth spurt. Tsuneo: He's as big as Dan. Rebecca: A growth spurt and he's been injecting horse steroids up his arse since he was twelve. > Occupation : Eva-03 pilot/ Tsuneo: That might be a bit hard, what with it being possessed by an angel and then being ripped to shreds. Dan: Naw, I bet they fixed it. Tsuneo: Let me reiterate, torn to bloody chunks. Dan: Duct Tape, dude. You can fix everything with Duct Tape. > Singer and guitarist in a band Rick [Tom]: My totally awesome garage band, the Thrashing Gonberts! We're gonna be the awesomest thing ever dude. Rebecca: Isn't that *every* garage band? > As far as we know from Tom's profile, he was born in San Francisco about > four months after the massacre called Second Impact occured. Tsuneo: Which would mean that all of San Francisco was underwater, thus rendering the entirety of this fic impossible and redundant. Thank you and goodnight. Dan: Maybe his mother was into bizarre alternate birthing techniques. > San Francisco had not been hit by that total disaster All: Huh? Tsuneo: Give me one good reason why not. Rick: They all thought happy thoughts and made the bad water go away. > and Tom was born a normal kid. Dan [Authour]: We'll soon fix that. Rick: There's nothing normal about a kid who's six three and a half. Rebecca: I thought you had to have all manner of personality problems before they even considered you for an EVA pilot. > He > lived as a normal child until the biggest earthquake in known history called > the "Big One" Dan: Until a bigger one came along, which they promptly called "Whoops, Sorry." Rick: How ironic; they escaped Second Impact only to be wiped out in the Birdemic. > occured on July 4th, 2006 which killed Tom Dyron's mother and > three year old brother. Rebecca [Mock serious]: The deaths of his generic unnamed expendable relatives was deeply moving. Dan [Tom]: Oh noes! My generic unnamed expendable relatives are dead! What's for dinner? > San Francisco was totaly erased Rick: It was deleted from history, along with an infinite number of Earths. The only survivors were Animal Man and Power Girl. Dan: Mmm, Power Girl. She's my two favourite superheroes. > as Tom's father found a job in Tokyo-3 and moved there All: How convenient. > with Tom's best friend, Mike Baners. Rick: Mike's dad has the occasional temper tantrum and turns green, but you get used to it. > In the end of the year 2012, Tom, Mike and his father moved back to a rebuilt > San Francisco. Dan: Obviously it got better from being totally erased. Rick: That was Flashpoint. Now we're in the New 52 San Francisco. > But the happiness unfortunately didn't last long as Tom's > father was shot down the next year as well as Tom's uncle. Dan [Tom]: Oh noes! More generic unnamed expendable relatives are dead! What's on the tube? > From that moment on, Tom Rebecca: Pledged himself to the cause of justice! Tsuneo [Tom, Grim]: I will not rest until I have avenged my father. But first I will play with this ball of wool! Dan: Dude, you were the only person to play Shenume ever. Tsuneo [sad]: ...yes.... > quit school and had to work to live with with a lot of people in the > same apartment. Tsuneo: Shouldn't he have been taken into some sort of protective custody after his father was killed? Dan [Tom]: My parents are dead! Tsuneo: Or have child services looking after him? Dan [Tom]: My parents are dead! Tsuneo: Or received inherence from his father's estate as he doesn't have any other relatives? I mean, at least be getting an allowance from it? Dan [Tom]: My parents are dead! I HAVE BACKSTORY! Rebecca: Yeah, yeah, it's tragic and crap. Parents horribly murdered with no lasting emotional impact. It's like... every internet Role-player ever. > In 2015, Tom joined a branch of the American Air Force, All: Huh? Tsuneo: So he joined the air force when he was fourteen? That doesn't make any sense! Rebecca: It would be pretty easy for him to lie about his age, given he's six three and a half. Rick: It's cool to be in the anime army. You get a giant robot, get a cool uniform, don't have to follow any hairstyle regulations and discipline consists of getting shouted at. Tsuneo: ...Rick, that was you in the army. Rick: Oh yeah. [Fistbumps Tsuneo] > but passed test Rebecca: What, the lie about your age test? Tsuneo: More like the 'complete failure of logic' test. > and was designed as 6th Children by us. [They all crack up laughing.] Rick: 6th children? How many of him are in there? Dan: Maybe we've got a fansubbed version. Tsuneo [Author]: Pity I didn't passed a spelling test. > He moved back a few days ago at Nerv and is now ready to battle the new threat. Rebecca: A phantom menace, so to speak. > Tom's ability to pilot an Evangelion unit is incredible, All: Of course. Dan: He's probably a trillion times more powerful than Shinji, too. > and the new Eva-03 performs a whole lot better than the older model. Tsuneo: Of course it is. Dan: Say that again in a terrible Clancy Brown voice! Tsuneo: ...what? > 2/ Rebuilt Evangelion Unit 03 Tsuneo: Rebuilt? It was torn to shreds! EVA-01 grabbed it's entry plug from it's *front,* for crying out loud! The head was a pancake, the torso was off-cuts and the armour was decorating a few nearby mountains! Rebuilt my arse! Rick: It got better. > Eva-03 has been rebuilt from some of its older pieces and regenerated > from that spot. Dan: They scraped it off the ground with a spatula. Rick: EVA-03's regenerative abilities have often silly. In the old days, it just healed faster then normal. But nowadays, it can regenerate from even a single brain cell. Rebecca: However, in the bad future, everyone has EVA-03's skeleton in a jar. > Eva-03 now has an improved armor including a blood red > hawk on its chest armor. The black color is now mixed with a little red > on some places on the Eva's thorax, neck, and parts of the face. Dan [Tom]: Dude, check out my totally sweet EVA. Got some nitrous, got some subwoofers, got some spinners, got a little dancing hula girl on the dashboard. Rick: Awesome dude. > New weapons including the progressive grenades Tsuneo: I wonder if he understands what the term "progressive" means in this context. Dan [Tom]: Progressive means better! Rebecca: Progressive grenades were a mostly British attempt to elevate grenades to a new level of explosiveness. They peaked in the mid 70s, before fading, eventually leading to the Nu Grenades movement of the 90s. > have been added on the Eva's internal belt. > It was created just for battle. Dan: As opposed to what? Rick: Modular Organism Designed Only for Kittens. > It has a lot in common with Unit-01. Rick: Like what? Rebecca: It's tall and skinny and bites things fases off. > This Eva has been equiped to fight in the sea and lava in > case of emergency, Dan: In case of emergency, break Evangelion. Rick: Push button, get Bacon. > the pilot can change the equipment from his entry plug. Tsuneo: Press triangle to access the equipment screen and select Evangelion equipment. > Evangelion Unit 03 also has an S2 organ Tsuneo: Oh, um, where did that one come from? Rebecca: I suppose you could say it was from when it was an angel. Tsuneo: And got its chest torn apart? Rebecca: Touche. > that activates in case the Eva > runs out of power and in that case, only if the pilot's synchronization > goes over 300%. Tsuneo: Well yeah, all Evangelions are like that. Rick: By that point, isn't the pilot Tang anyway? > But its S2 organ is now controlled by Nerv from distance > making the problem of an Eva going berserk theoreticaly impossible except > n case of the pilot's fusion with the Eva, phenomenon caused by 400% sync > ratio. Tsuneo: Aargh. [Tsuneo stands up, walks over to one of the doors, and proceeds to bash his head against it several times.] Rebecca: Can we say "setup," kiddies? Rick & Dan: Setup. Tsuneo: Is it safe yet? Rebecca: No. Tsuneo: Damn. [Tsuneo walks back over to the couch and sits.] > Same for Unit-01. > Eva-03 is almost as good a unit as Evangelion Unit > 01. The self destruct mode is also controlled by distance in case of the > Eva being possessed by an Angel. Tsuneo: Go on Gendo. Push the button. You know you want to. > 3/ John Baren Rick: That name seems familiar... I recall something special about it... > Date of Birth : July 4th, 2001 Birthplace : Unknown Tsuneo: So you know when he was born but not where? Rick: See, that's short for his actual birthplace; Parts Unknown, New Mexico. Rebecca: How is that place? I hear good things about it. Rick: It’s awesome if you're in to anonymous masked wrestlers. > Height : 5'11" Weight : 160lbs > Occupation : Eva-04 pilot Rick: Looks like someone else got screwed on that model. Tsuneo: ... > Not a lot is known about Evangelion Unit 04's new pilot. Rebecca: And you call yourself NERV? Ha! What kind of an omnipotent conspiracy are you, anyway? > What we know is that he used to live in London, England Rick: As opposed to London, New Mexico. It's just down the road from Parts Unknown. > since he was 3, until he was 9. We > do know that his real mother has died, and that his real father is not known. > His parents in England were adoptive, and he took the name Baren along. He > moved to Chicago, U.S.A when he was 9 along with his family and has the > American nationality too. Tsuneo: Don't worry, I'm sure medical science can cure that nowadays. > He pilots the Eva-04 > and has done well on the tests Rebecca: He did well on "Evangelion pilot" and "Enigmatic Kid", but flunked his Medieval Plumbing and Underwater Basket weaving midterms. > so far, but his progress is very interresting since his sync ratio becomes > better by exactly the same number of points every time. Rebecca: If Eva Pilot Kid's synch rate goes up by N points every time, solve for X where X is the number of Synch Tests before he turns into Tang. Dan: Uh... fish? > He is a very special kid, Rick: His mum tells him that. > but nethertheless, he is a very good pilot, and we need a lot of Evas > right now to fight against the Invadors. Tsuneo: Inva*dors*. I assume that's a typo. At least, I hope it is. > 4/ Evangelion Unit 04 Rebecca: Evangelion Unit four, Manchester nothing. > Eva-04 has finaly been found Dan: Under a rock in Canada! > in the U.S.A. > We found it in the same place > it was lost, deep underground. An explanation has been found. Tsuneo: Oh, this should be good. Rebecca: The airline had accidentally re-routed it to Murmansk. > The Eva's S2 > organ activated as he used his AT Field in such a manner that everything > around it in a huge diameter disapeared as the Eva went deep underground > in an unexplained manner. Rick: Oh, well that makes... huh? Tsuneo: So all that stuff they said about a Daroc sea was wrong, huh? Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Whoops. We're sorry, our bad. It just looked like one. On reflection, it turned out to be an ink stain. Dan: Well, I'm sure that all the staff at NERV branch 2 will be glad to hear that. > We brought it back to Nerv. It looks exactly the > same as Eva-03's first model in white. Tsuneo: Actually, its silver... crap! Crap! Crap! Rick: Caught out! Tsuneo: Well... It's a good model! Rick: Sure it is. > Its S2 organ is been worked on the > same way as it has on Eva-03 and Unit-01. It is a very stable unit, Dan: Famous last words. Rebecca: Yeah, it only goes on crazed psychotic killing sprees every three days. > and we had absolutely no problems with it so far. Rebecca: This is not a set-up. At all. No sir. > We know that it looks the same > as Eva-03, but its cells are not the same, as it is not a copy of Unit-03, Rick: Yes it is; it's just remoulded in white. Tsuneo: Silver. Rick: Ha! > which remains one of the most special Eva Units. Rick: More special then John? > We had to check all of the > Eva a long time to make sure that the event that happened in the U.S. that > lost the Eva wasn't an Angel possession, Tsuneo: Gah... I don't understand it at all! Rick: Man, this is just the intro. If you're gonna wig out like this in the profiles, then how are you going to survive the fic? Tsuneo: I'll be good. > so it was a big risk that we took to bring it back. Dan: Have you put it through quarantine? Have you paid customs duty? I think not. > It remains a good Eva, but would not be qualified as one > of the best's, but one that can be depended on. Rick: You can depend on it to do absolutely nothing but warm shelves in model shops. Tsuneo: ...actually, I'll give you that much. > Evangelion II Rebecca: Evangelion two, Arsenal one. > D.E.L.T.A. Invasion > Genesis 0:14 : The 6th Children/A New Threat Rick: And now for the actual fic. I thought we'd never get through the intro. Tsuneo: I suspect we're going to regret making it this far. > Friday, September 13th 2017... > It's been about a year and a half since the angels have been defeated > and 17 years since the 2nd Impact, Tsuneo: Given how many times Evangelion has been rebooted, I really can't fault this statement. I *want* to, but I can't. > and Shinji, Asuka and Rei finally got the chance to live a normal life. [They all guffaw] Tsuneo: Sure they're a bunch of non-functional neurotic screwups and one of them's a bizarre mutant clone in a strange, nay icky relationship with what may be her son and they live with a drunken military officer in a bizarre world where they're forced to pilot giant techno-organic war machines to fight of enigmatic Invaders- Rick: Or Inva*dors* Tsuneo: -my point being that "normal" and these kids are not things that go together. Rick: Didn't you write a university paper on Evangelion? Tsuneo: ...maybe... > And in the peaceful apartment of Misato Katsurugi, [They all guffaw again] Rebecca: As peaceful as a slow morning in Mogadishu. > we can hear : Rick: The singing fleas from Joes' Apartment. > "Wake up, Asuka!!!!!" yelled Shinji. > "No need to yell damnit!! What time is it?" Asuka responded. > "It's 8:00, we better run to school, no time to eat breakfast, now get dressed!!" > answered Shinji. > "You could have told me!!" Asuka yelled. Tsuneo: So maybe we slipped into Angelic Days. Rick: And you know about this because... Tsuneo: Uh... look, Rick! A Multi-function polis! Rick: Where? [Glances around] > As usual, Shinji and Asuka were still fighting. Rebecca: I hear they were trying for reconciliation for PenPen's sake. > A few minutes later, Shinji > and Asuka were on their way running to school just like most of the days. Dan: Except today Asuka was still wearing her pyjamas. Tsuneo: Running to school? So the whole city got better, huh? Rebecca: Given that apparently EVA-03, 04 and Nerv USA got better, along with innumerable other things, I'd say sure, Why not. > "We're gonna be late again, damnit!!!" said Asuka. > "If you could wake up a bit earlier..." Shinji said. > "It's all your fault!!" Asuka screamed. > "My fault? You're the one that always wakes up late!!" Rick: Sorry, girl. He's got you there. > "Oh shut da hell up!!" Tsuneo: If you guys are going to use up all your exclamation points now, you'll have none left for later. > "Is it possible to have a normal conversation with y..." Rebecca: I think that answers that. > Shinji bumped in a six footed man Dan: Guess who's parents live a little close to the nuclear reactor? Rebecca: He's got a three-eyed fish at home. Tsuneo: [Six footed man.] Well, clothing's real hard to get, but I'm a star at track and field. Rick: A six-footed man? That'd be Rob Leifield's nightmare. > on a skateboard. He had black hair tied in a pony tail, dark brown eyes, Rebecca: Oh my... it's.. the man. Dan [Tommy Weisau]: Oh hi there canon characters Rebecca: Do that again, and I bury a spoon in your frontal lobes. And you know I can. Dan: I'll be good. > and was wearing very large jeans Rick: He has chunky thighs. Like, Brian Blessed chunky thighs. > and a T-shirt saying "Rollerbladers Suck!" Rebecca: Don't you love how self-insert characters are so subtle in expressing their opinions? [Rick coughs something that sounds vaguely like 'Rose Tyler'] > "I'm sor..." Shinji started saying. Tsuneo: As much as I hate saying this, at least Shinji's in character. > "No need to be sorry, I was in a hurry, don't wanna be late for school." the guy > responded. > The boy hopped on his skateboard and was about to go. > "Wait!!!" Asuka said. > "What?" the guy responded. Rebecca [Asuka, stilted]: Don't open. That door. > "What school are you going to?" Rick: Cromatie High School. Rebecca: ...you know, that'd actually make sense. Not sure what to say about that. > "Central High" > "That's where we're going!" Shinji said. Tsuneo: What an amazingly expected development. Dan: I bet that's Tom Dyron. Tsuneo: NEVER! > "What grade are you in?" Asuka asked. Rick: High Grade Universal Century. Dan: You put me in a peasant's machine! > "11th grade, you?" > "Us too!" said Asuka in excitement, > "What's your name?" Rick [English]: There are those who know me as... Tom. > "Tom Dyron, call me Tom. I'm American." > "Cool, my name is Soryu Asuka Langley, call me Asuka." > "And I'm Ikari Shinji, but call me Shinji." Rebecca: Rebecca Bartley, call me Rebecca. Rick: Rick R. Mortis, call me Rick. Tsuneo: Tsuneo Tateo, call me Tusneo Dan: Dan Comma Space, call me Dan. > "Well, nice to meet you Shinji and Asuka, but we better hurry if we don't wanna > be late!!" > "You're right!!!!" said both Shinji and Asuka. Tsuneo: And right there, the price of Exclamation Marks has spiked. > And the three teenagers started running again. > They arrived at school just on time for one of the first times. Dan: Oh, come on. I don't see either of them as being habitually late. Rebecca: Maybe it's just accidentally fused with Sailor Moon. Tsuneo: Let's not go there, please? [Pause.] Rick [Rei]: Desperate Marketing Ploy Instrumentality Power! Dan [Hits him with a cushion]: Don't *ever* do that again! > When they came to class, Asuka and Shinji sat > down and the teacher said : Tsuneo: Blah blah blah second impact. This is like Evangelion Fanfic bingo, even though it’s only twenty pages in. Rick: Dude, this is about the first page of fic. Maybe a bit more if you count the profiles. Tsuneo: Help. Dan: Ironically, Tom flunked Second Impact class. > "Class, today, we have a new student, please welcome, Tom Dyron!" Rick: Tom Dyron, come on down! > And Tom walked in : > "Hey, my name is Tom Dyron, I'm American and I just moved back to Tokyo-3." Rick [Random kid]: Yeah, we read the character profiles. Dan [Random kid]: You’re not funny! > "As you kids know, this school was elementary and middle school before, and > Tom was in this school since he was 6 until he was 12, so he probably was in > this school for longer than most of you. Dan: Great. Teacher’s Alzheimer’s is kicking in again. > Tom, you may sit next to Asuka." Rebecca: Oh yeah. Real subtle about where this is going. > "O.K." said Tom. > Tom took his seat and waited until class was over. Tsuneo: Everyone else did classwork > At lunch time, a kid gave a sign to Tom Rick: “No Right Turn?” The hell? > telling him to come sit down. Tom walked there and saw Shinji, > the kid that gave him the sign and another one. Tsuneo: I suspect that this will be Kensuke and a strangely intact Touji. No real reason, just a good feeling. Rick: This often happens after mega-crossover events. A character who was meant to be dead turns up alive and well for no reason, which means that an editor has to make up some lame excuse about how he wasn’t as dead as everyone thought he was and nobody likes it. Rebecca: Speaking from experience? Rick: Look! It was an honest mistake! > "Hey Tom" said Shinji, "Do you wanna sit down with us?" > "Sure dude!" answered Tom. > "My name is Suzuhara Touji, but call me Touji!" said the kid that had given > the sign. > "And I'm Aida Kensuke, call me Kensuke" said the other kid that was wearing > glasses. Dan: I'm Dan. Call me Dan. Duh. Rebecca: I'm Rebecca Bartley, but you may call me "Her majesty captain Rebecca Bartley the First, heir to the throne of Essex and future queen of the universe." Tsuneo: I'm Tsuneo Tateo, call me "outta here." Rick: And I'm Rick R. Mortis, call me when something interesting happens. > They all sat down and ate lunch, Tom was pretty happy to have made friends > already. Rebecca: Wait till you actually speak to Kensuke, then decide if it’s a good thing. > When the day was over, Tom was stopped by a group of four kids at > his way out with Shinji, Touji and Kensuke. > "We hate Americans, boy, and we're gonna get you!" Tsuneo: Fic discussion; genuine attempt to show distrust and conflict with a new arrival into their closed world, or a chance for Tom to show off how awesome he is? Rebecca: Show off. Dan: Show off. Rick: Show off Tsuneo: And that’s it for Fic discussion for this week. > said the head of the four kids. Dan: One head between the four of them? No wonder they’re so angry. > "Leave em' all to me!" said Tom as he jumped on one of them > and knocked him out punching him right in the face. > Tom turned around and kicked a second kid > in the stomach then on the forehead knocking him out in second. Rick: SUPER ACTION! > One of the > kids ran away but the head took out a switch blade Rick: As well as a Jackhammer, a Piranha and a Mantis Rebecca: Moderately obscure. Ten points > and pointed it at Tom. "Game over, bastard!" Dan: Game over man, game over! They’re coming out of the walls! They’re coming out of the god- damn walls! > "I don't think so!" said Tom as he kicked the knife out of the kid's hand > and took out his own switch blade and pointed it at the kid's throat. > "You have 10 seconds to run away!" said Tom. > "Never" > "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4..." Dan: Three! Rebecca: Two! Tsuneo: One! Rick: Thunderbirds are GO! > "Good bye!!!" yelled the kid as he ran away. Rick [Bandit Keith]: And that’s the way we fight in schoolyards... in America! > The whole class of Tom came around him congratulating him about his win. > "How did you do that?" asked Shinji. > "I kickboxed since I was 12..." All: Of course. Rebecca: ...heir to the throne of Essex, best Kobiyashi Maru time ever... > When Tom got out of school, a few men in a black suit Rick: Just one suit between them? Was it washing day or has NERV’s budget been slashed that much? > stopped him and said : > "Are you Tom Dyron?" > "Yeah, am I arrested? I wasn't the one behind the drug deals in San Francisco, > I swe..." Rebecca: Well that’s a suspiciously specific denial. Almost like he rehearsed it. > "We're not here for that. Dan [MiB]: Although since you just admitted to it... > Follow us in the car!" > "O.K." and Tom followed. Rick [Tom]: So you want me to get in the car and follow you two? Tsuneo [MiB]: No Rick [Tom]: Right. So you get in the car and I follow you on foot. Tsuneo [MiB]: That’s not what we meant. Rick [Tom]: So you get in the car then I follow you in another car. Tsuneo [MiB]: No, that’s not... Rick [Tom]: So I’m following the car that’s following you. Tsuneo [MiB]: I’m in the car too. Rick [Tom]: So then you’re in the car following me. Tsuneo [MiB]:No, I’m not following you! Rick [Tom]: Right, the car’s following us both. Tsuneo [MiB]: Are you completely stupid? Rick [Tom]: Hey, if your instructions were a little less vague maybe I’d have some idea of what you want, buddy. > The men led Tom to a car and showed him to go inside. Rebecca [Tom]: Doors work like that? No way! > "Do you know why you moved back to Japan?" asked a man sitting next to Tom. Tsuneo: Given that he’s living here on his own, I hope he does. > "Do I have the right to tell you?" answered Tom. > "We work at the Nerv Rebecca: Not just any old Nerv, *the* Nerv! Rick: The Nerv. Accept no substitutes. > and were asked to bring you at the Nerv HQ." > "Oh, I was brought here 'cause I'm the 6th children Tsuneo: ...he actually said it... > and I have been chosen to pilot an Eva, I don't know which one though..." Rick: Your Evangelion, should you chose to accept it... > "Good, I see that you know why you're here." > About 20 minutes later, Tom got out of the car and was welcomed by a woman with > purple hair. Tsuneo: Meme Touwa? Rebecca: Rin Ataka? Dan: Hitagi Senjougahara? Rick: Psylocke? > "Hi Tom" said the woman. > "Hi Misato, nice to see you again!" said Tom. Rebecca [Misato]: Great. I am not nearly drunk enough for this. > "So, you were the best on the tests, pretty cool." > "Yup." All: Naturally. > "It's nice to have an Eva pilot like you that dares to say something." > "Why? The others don't?" Dan [Misato]: Nah, we all know how reserved and shy Asuka is. > "Not really, have you met the other pilots?" > "I've met Asuka and Shinji, but they don't know I'm an Eva pilot, I haven't met > Rei yet even though I saw her at school." Tsuneo: You don’t so much *meet* Rei as you experience her. > "Well, tomorrow, you'll be moving in your new place, here's the address." Misato > hands a piece of paper to Tom. Dan: Oh please, no. No more dumb "at home with Misato" sketches. Rick: That place must be pretty cramped by now. Rebecca: Yeah. The fleas and cockroaches are beginning to fight for space. > "Thanks Misato!" > "Guys, tell Rei to come in." Rick: It's time for Australia's favourite game show, Come On In Rei! Rebecca: Double obscure. Twenty points. > Misato told to two men dressed all in black. Dan: This is what K and J did for all those years while MiB 3 was in development hell. > Rei came in and seemed surprised to see Tom there. Tsuneo: I don’t think anything surprises Rei. Rick: How about the whole human race *not* being turned into Tang right now? Tsuneo: True. > "Hi Rei!"said Tom, "I'm the new Eva pilot." Tsuneo: [Tom] All of them! > "Well, you two have a nice conversation, Dan: With Rei? Some hope. Rebecca [Misato]: You two kids have a good time. I’m off to get drunk and cry about my unresolved daddy issues. Tsuneo: ...that’s actually strangely in-character. > here's the address to your new apartment Rei." Misato said. Rick: We’re putting four Evangelion pilots into the same house as a drunken designated carer and leaving the cameras rolling! It’s wild, it’s hardcore and it’s completely uncensored. Rebecca: And less exciting then it sounds. You just get endless hours of Shinji listening to his Walkman while Rei reads... all without using any new animation cells. > "Thank you." Responded Rei. Tsuneo: Now say it again with less feeling. > Misato walked out of the room the two were in. > "So, you're the 1st children?"Tom asked. Rick [Rei]: Technically yes. > "How do you know?" > "Well, I hacked on the Nerv site Tsuneo: Of course he’s a hacker. Naturally there’s nothing he can’t do. Rebecca: He only hacked NERV’s website. All he actually accomplished was to view its HTML code and redirect some of the links to Gay Porn sites. > when I learned I was gonna work here, and I saw all the Evas and Eva pilots, Dan: He got into the security cameras for the women’s locker room. > except my Eva..." > "Well, I think you should come with me to see Dr. Akagi Ritsuko." Tsuneo: Forgive me for what seems to be a repetitive statement at this point, but she was dragged off at the end of the series. Why’s she back here? Rick: She got better. > "Oh, to have other tests?" > "Yes." > Rei and Tom hopped on escalators and arrived in a room filled with computers, > and in the middle stood a woman with blond hair, a black skirt and a blue blouse. Rick: Doctor Sydney Biggles-Jones! Tsuneo: There really isn’t much similarity beyond the labcoat and blue top. Rick: I know, but “Doctor Sydney Biggles-Jones” is fun to say. Tsuneo: ...true > "Hi Tom" said the woman, "I am Dr. Akagi Ritsuko, you may call me Ritsuko." Rebecca: You should hear what Gendo calls her. Tsuneo: I- Dan: You think there’s anything in NERV that Gendo hasn’t boned? Rick: Some of the Soda machines. Maybe. Tsuneo: ... Rebecca: He’s screwed Shinji in every way he can except for the most literal one. Dan: True Tsuneo: ... > "O.K. Ritsuko, I'm here to pass tests?"asked Tom. Rebecca [Ritsuko]: I don’t know. Are you? > "Precisely, so are you Rei, you both are gonna have a synchronization test, but > before To, I'm going to check your profile, O.K.?" Dan [Tom]: Take my left side. It looks better. > "O.K." > "Rei, stay here." > "Yes." Rebecca [Ritsuko]: Sit. Stay. Aww, who’s a good little unholy abomination against all under heaven and earth? Rick: Never ask Rei to play dead. > Ritsuko looked at the profile and was pretty impressed. > "Tom, you're the only Eva pilot with a complete profile, Tsuneo: Except Shinji. Or Asuka. Or Toji, for that matter. Rebecca: Toji’s profile has been trimmed. > and your story is pretty sad." Rick: Those lifepath tables screwed him over hard. Dan: How bad? Rick: He wanted to be an Evangelion piloting rockstar hacker. Instead he ended up as an amnesiac one-eyed fry cook with a substance abuse problem and a love of Korean opera. > "Yeah, I guess you could say that..." > About thirty minutes later, Ritsuko got up and said : > "O.K. Tom, I don't need to tell you how the test works since you already had > one two months ago, and you got the highest 1st timer score, 107%!" [They all cough loudly] > "107%?" asked Rei surprised. Tsuneo [Rei]: And you’re not Tang? > "Yes, impressive, so let's test you again, first in a synchronization test, > then in basic weapon training." > "Yes ma'am!" > Ritsuko handed a mallet to Tom. Rebecca: Here Tom, knock yourself out. Literally. Dan: That’s *very* basic weapons training > "Inside you'll find your plug suit, your entry card and a watch to tighten the > suit in one press." Rick: Um, what’s that doing in a mallet. Tsuneo: I have two theories. The first is that he meant *wallet*, which in this case is a largely obsolete term for a knapsack or large satchel. Rick: Could be. And the second? Tsuneo: The author’s an idiot. Rick: I’m leaning towards that myself > "Thanks!" > Tom and Rei walked to their test entry plugs. They inspired the LCL Rick and Rebecca: Go LCL go! You can do it! You’re the man, LCL! > and got ready. > "So, how does it feel, Tom?"Ritsuko asked. Dan: Tang-y. > "Just like last time, a little weird, smells a little like blood, > but besides that, it's cool!" Rebecca [Ritsuko, writing]: Subject is a complete idiot who wants to smash things with huge robot. > Rei and Tom started the test. About twenty minutes later... > "Amazing!"Ritsuko said, "He's at 121% already!" Tsuneo: I’d say that this was getting silly, only it got silly a long time ago. > At the end of the test, Ritsuko told Tom : > "You are incredibly talented! > Keep up the good work!" Rebecca: That’s what she said to Gendo too. Tsuneo: ... > "Yes ma'am!" Tom answered. > Tom and Rei then walked for the next test, weapon training. Rebecca: This is the stuff where you get to blow stuff up. My favourite part. Dan: No need to get so trigger-happy Rebecca: Hey, you got out of that exploding enigmatic ruin just fine. What are you complaining about? > Tom hopped in his > entry plug and started training his movements with the Eva. He started walking, > step by step, going faster then he started running Tsuneo [Loran Cehack] All it takes is the operator’s manual to move these things. > "Tom, Rei, for this exercise, you're going to face some of our virtual AT Field > users, are you ready?" Tsuneo: “Virtual AT Field users?” I don’t want to know how that works. Rick: They just have a guy holding up a sign that says “AT Field”. > "Hai."answered Rei and Tom. Rick: Suddenly, fangirl Japanese! > Tom ran to the first AT Field user he saw. The virtual ennemy Tsuneo: Given that each angel has been different, I have to wonder what they train against. Rick: Kids wearing cardboard boxes with “Angel” written on the front. > raised an AT Field, Dan [hick]: Raised him from a pup, I did. > but so did Tom. The 6th children used his AT to penetrate the enemy's defense, > took out his progressive knife and pierced the enemy's heart. Rick [Singing]: Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame- Tsuneo: He probably meant the core. Rick: You ruin all my fun > "One gone!!" Tom said. > "Impressive, he already knows the weapons and how to raise an AT, he really > is something!" Tsuneo: Given that he was trained for this, as opposed to being all but pulled off the street and shoved into the cockpit, you’d hope so. > Tom then jumped on another ennemy and took out a new Eva weapon, the > progressive grenade, Rick: Now I know we saw it in the profile but... it sounds just as stupid here as it did then. > and threw it in the enemy's opened mouth. Tom ran next to > the virtual opponent and closed its mouth watching it explode. Dan [Kenshiro]: You are already dead. > The next ennemy > that Tom annihilated got shot 6 bullets shoved down his throat. Rebecca: YOUR HEAD ASPLODE > Rei was doing fine on her side, Tom and her started doing team work. Rick and Tsuneo: TEAMWORK! [They fistbump] Rebecca: ...what was that? Tsuneo: Um, army thing? [He shrugs] > Rei covered him with machine gun shots > while Tom jumped on the target and used the progressive ax to chop its head off. Rick [Axe Cop]: I’ll chop off your head! > "O.K., that's enough guys, you won!" Ritsuko said. Tsuneo: You effectively practiced against a situation that we’ve never encountered before fighting mock-ups of enemies that they have no idea of the capabilities of. I don’t see how this works. Dan: they get to shoot stuff and make it blow up good. Rebecca: My kind of practice. > "Rei, you were at 137%, Rick: Rei is almost, but not quite, leet. > and Tom, I can't believe it..." > "What? What is my score? Too low?" Tom asked. > "No, it's 145%!!!!" Tsuneo: Tom’s synch rate is at ridiculous percent! > The day ended on that surprise. Tsuneo: Because they finished the test at midnight. > The next day at school, everything went fine > for Tom. But Shinji was sitting alone next to Kensuke > during the break. Dan: Cruel and unusual punishment > "Kensuke? I have a problem... Rick: This is Evangelion. Everybody has a problem. Usually lots of them. > and I can't figure it out." Rebecca [Shinji]: Whenever I think about Kaoru, I get a funny feeling in my pants. > "What is it Shinji?" > "I'm in love... every time I see her, I feel all weird, my heart beats like 200 > miles per hour!" Tsuneo: Okay, who are you and what have you done with the real Shinji? Rick: Wait, you’re worried about the characterisation now? Tsuneo: I was being hopeful. > "It's Asuka, isn't it?" > "No..." Rebecca: Shinji isn’t that big a masochist. > "What? You two live together, you always blush when she yells at you, Dan: No he just cringes and apologises. > and it's not her?" Dan: Uh, Kensuke? How about you listen to what you just said? Rebecca: Everything Kensuke learned about women came from Dating Sims. Rick [Kensuke]: Hard choice. Do you give her a present, scold her or put it in? > "No, it's not..." > "Then who?" Tsuneo: Given how many other female characters of their age there are, how hard can this be? Rebecca: ...say, where did Hikari get to? Rick: Who? Tsuneo: My point. > "It's Ayanami..." > "Rei? Ayanami Rei? Rebecca: No, IJS Ayanami; a Fubuki class destroyer. She was sunk at Guadacanal in 1942, and he never got over it. > Whoa man, you got the toughest girl to go out with man!" Rick [Kensuke]: I mean, she’s just so creepy and flat and lifeless and emotionally distant and stuff. I don’t see the appeal. Not at all like my girlfriend! Dan [Shinji]: Oh yeah. How is your Tali’Zorah Real Doll going? Rick [Kensuke]: her head fell off again. I guess I’ll get round to gluing it back on eventually, but we just have so much we can do together without it... Tsuneo: Thank you for that. > "I think you're right, but I can't help it, I love her, man..." > Shinji came back at Misato's apartment late that day, but when he got there, > he saw five DHL boxes in the new huge room Asuka and he got. In the room, he > saw Tom and Asuka talking. Tom was unpacking his stuff. > "What the hell is going on here?" asked Shinji. > "Oh, hi Shinji." Asuka said. > "Hey Shinji." Tom responded. Dan [Tommy Weisau]: Oh hey th- [Rebecca hits him with a cushion] Rebecca: What did I tell you? Dan: I can’t help it! Half of this fic is people saying hello to each other. It’s inevitable! > "Could I know what's going on here?" > "Well, guess why we got a new huge room, Shinji." said Asuka looking at Tom. > "Huh, you mean he's moving here?" Shinji asked. Tsuneo: Not to sound stupid, but where are they fitting all these people in this tiny little apartment. > "Yup!" Tom answered, "But I ain't the only one, someone else is moving in too." Tsuneo: ...you know what, forget it. Rick: I’m pretty sure that between Misato and Asuka, all the other tenants have fled in terror and she’s just simply taking over their abandoned apartments. > "But why?" asked Shinji. > "Are you dumb, Shinji? He's the 6th children, an Eva pilot." Tsuneo: If you hadn’t guessed that by this point, you deserve to be mocked. Rick: I dunno, they could have had a huge sign over his head in giant pink neon letters pointing it out. > "He is? Oh... > so, who else is moving in?" Tsuneo: If you haven’t guessed by now, you are stupid. > "Shinji, you're a stupid one, aren't you? Tsuneo: Dammit! > Who else is an Eva pilot?" Asuka > asked mocking Shinji. > "You mean... Rei is moving in?" Rebecca: Rei is the life of the party. Tsuneo: Hang on. Am I expected to believe that they thought putting four teenagers of violently different temperaments in the same room on a permanent basis is a good thing? Rebecca: Oh, don't worry. This is probably all part of Gendo's master plan. Dan: What getting them all to kill each other? Rick: Rei wins. Tangality. > "Yup, you got it Shinji." Tom said unpacking a computer, a stereo, a collection > of CDs from the 20th century, a guitar Dan: A retractable ten-foot pole. Rebecca: Six changes of women’s underwear. Tsuneo: A complete set of RaXephon DVDs. Rick: And a Mint-in-Box Giant Vamp. Australian release version. > and some clothes. > "Nice CDs you got Tom, all the Nine Inch Nails, I love NIN!!" told Asuka. Rebecca [Asuka]: So much so that I got a dorky tattoo of their logo on my wrist. It’s upside-down but you can’t tell ‘cause it’s a backwards N! > "So do I!"said Shinji. Rick [Rei]: I’ve always been more of a Ministry person myself. > "Hey, Tom, how come you have two Dragons of Doom CDs, I thought there was > only one!" Asuka said in surprise. Dan: That’s because it’s from... the future! > "They just released "Hell in Heaven" a week ago." Rick: It’s a limited release CD, available only through a select few stores from one chain. In Iceland. Rebecca: If you buy the double-limited edition, you get a voucher for a two-for-one appendectomy. Dan: Right on! > explained Tom, "Do you guys know who the singer of DOD is?" Tsuneo: I’m going to be he’s not exactly far from this room. Just a feeling. Dan: So... Kensuke. Tsuneo [sighs]: Yes, Dan. Kensuke is the lead singer of an internationally famous heavy metal band. Dan: I knew it! > "No" said both Shinji and Asuka. > "Then check the name on the cover of "Hatred Through Conformity"." Rebecca: I dunno; Dragons of Doom sounds more like it’d be a Fantasy Metal band then a rebellious youth thing. Songs about riding on flaming metal horses to fight demons and such. Rick: It’d be crap. Dan: It’d be *epic* crap. Rick: True. > Asuka and Shinji checked the name and looked at Tom with a look of surprise. > "You are..."mumbled Asuka. Tsuneo: Whoah, there. Let me get this straight. By sixteen, he's a world-champion kick-boxer. Dan: Uh-huh. Tsuneo: Lead guitarist and singer in a band with international popularity. Rick: Yup. Tsuneo: Member of the US air force. Rebecca: 'Fraid so. Tsuneo: And the greatest EVA pilot who ever lived, without having seen any actual combat? Rebecca: Don't think about it. It'll just hurt. Tsuneo: It’s hurting already. > "He is..."said Shinji having problems breathing. > "I am the singer and lead guitarist of DOD"concluded Tom. Tsuneo [deadpan]: Wow. This is such an amazing and shocking revelation that I did not see coming at all. > Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Shinji went to open > and saw Rei. Rick: So she was standing there all the time. Tsuneo: [Rei] Sorry, did I miss my cue? > "Huh, hi Rei!" said Shinji trying not to blush. > "Hey Shinji, hey Asuka, hey Tom." Dan: Hey Rick. Rick: Hey Dan. Dan: Hey Tsuneo. Tsuneo: Hey Dan. Dan: Hey Psycho. Rebecca: I should kill you, but it wasn’t another Weisau joke, so I’ll let it pass... this time. > Rei walked in as the four teenagers talked about how they were going to organize > themselves in the room. Rick: [Asuka] I, the great Asuka, get the entire room. Tom gets the hallway, and I will allow Shinji to sleep on the couch. Rei can sleep outside because she's a smelly skank. Dan: Rick, she's a year and a half older now, you know. Rick: So? Do you expect her to be mature or something? > Misato wasn't home that day. > The children went to sleep. Dan: Which was really odd, since it was Tuesday. > they all woke up around 10:30 A.M. Rick: Shinji had already gotten up, cleaned the entire apartment and gone back to sleep. > they all woke up around 10:30 A.M. > Misato was back home and told them all : > "The four of you, there's something important I gotta tell you." Dan [Misato]: I’m pregnant. And hung over. So you all gotta report to NERV for paternity tests. Rebecca [Ritsuko]: Now bend over... [Mimes putting on gloves] Rick [Shinji]: How is this a paternity test? Rebecca [Ritsuko]: I’m resident mad scientist here. I make the rules. > "What is it?" Asuka asked. Tsuneo: A crappy fanfic, but that's not important right now. > "Well, you all were asked to stay here together >'cause a new specimen with an AT Field has been detected by satelite, > and your mission is gonna be to "welcome" it, Rebecca [Misato]: Take it out, show it some sights, treat it to a good time, get it a meal and then over-charge for hospitality. > 'cause it's heading towards Tokyo-3, it's gonna impact tomorrow." Tsuneo: So... they should go straight to NERV now so they can be on standby in case of any unexpected developments or so they can plan and familiarise themselves with their equipment, especially helping their new team-member prepare for battle – a situation that he’s never been in. Certainly it wouldn’t help to sit around at Misato’s place all day and talk about how awesome Tom is. Rebecca: You done? Tsuneo: I suspect I’m only just getting started. > "Can I ask a question?" Tom asked. > "Sure." Misato answered. > "Well, what Eva am I gonna pilot?" Rick: [Misato] Didn't you read the stupid intros at the top of the file? > "Oh, they didn't tell you?" > "Nope." Rebecca: Military planning at its finest. > "You're gonna pilot the rebuilt Eva 03, > you know why it was rebuilt." Rebecca: Bandai wanted to sell more kits. > "Destroyed by the Eva 01's dummy plug when the Eva 03 was possessed by an angel." > "How do you know?" asked Misato. Dan [Tom]: EVA-03 is the thirteenth angel is, like, the ultimate spoiler everyone knows. It’s like Snape killing Dumbledore or- Rebecca [Misato]: He does? Dammit! Why’d you say that! > "I hacked on the Nerv's site when I heard I was gonna work here." Rebecca: He actually hacked the NERV Facebook page to get access to their personal data. Rick: Anything juicy? Rebecca: Gendo listed “banging anything that moves” as an interest, and they’ve been ‘liked’ by SYMBOL. > "Oh, I see."Misato said, "You guys gotta know that Tom made a 107% on his 1st > ever synchro test..." Tsuneo: [Misato] Since he hasn't proclaimed his own brilliance in the last five minutes, I thought I'd do it for him. > "107%!!!!!!????"yelled Shinji and Asuka. Rick: Hey, watch it with the exclamations! Keep that up and there will be none left for future generations to use. Please, think of the Children. Dan: The... Sixth Children? Rick: All the children, plural and singular. > "Yes, and he made 145% on the one he had last night..." Rei said, "I had the test > with him, he was hella impressive." Rebecca [Rei]: It’s totally awesome. > "Wait a sec, I might sound dumb, but what do those % mean?" Tsuneo: It’s a way of expressing a number, especially a ratio, as a fraction of one hundred, but that’s not important right now. > "Well," Misato started, "the % of synchronisation determins how well you control > the Eva, if you have 100%, you can do anything with the Eva that you can do in > real life, Tsuneo: Wait, what? This doesn’t make any sense at all. > at 200%, you can do 2 times better, at 280%, a normal person can do > anything with the Eva, Rebecca: At this stage, I think you should just smile and nod. I know I gave up thinking about it long ago. Rick [Misato]: At 373%, you enter a psychedelic tunnel sequence and mutter something about it being full of stars. > at 400%, your body and soul become one with the Eva and > the chances of getting you back are very low." Rebecca: Once you go over four hundred, you exist at every point in the universe at once and turn into an axolotl. > "So basicly, try not to hit 400%..." said Tom. Dan: It really depends on how much you like Tang. Rick [Tom]: I like Tang. Dan: Now imagine being Tang Rick [Tom]: I don’t like Tang that much. > "Right." Finished Misato. > The telephone rang. Misato answered. > "Hello?" > "Hey Misato, it's Ritsuko." > "Oh, hi, what's new?" Rebecca [Ritsuko]: Enigmatic creatures heading straight for us, religious imagery abounding, secretive conspiracies engaged in plot and counter-plot... same old, same old. > "Well, the specimen that's coming to Tokyo-3 will impact tomorrow around 1:30 > P.M. Dan: Weather permitting. > so the children have to be at Nerv HQ at 11 :30 to have a synchronization > test, get their briefing Rick: Have lunch... Rebecca: NERV Cafeteria. Don’t ask what’s in the orange jello. Just don’t. > etc..." Tsuneo: Planning, preparation, time to establish the situation... forget it. Rick: This doesn’t even make sense by Anime military standards. > "O.K. I'll warn them." > "O.K. Bye." > "Bye." Rebecca: Planning to respond to an attack from an enigmatic alien force, or two middle-aged women Planning book club? You be the judge. Tsuneo: Their book this month is “Hyperion.” > Misato hang up. Dan: Intense phone call action! > Same time, > Nerv HQ. Rick: Hey! It is a multi-function polis! > "Commander Ikari, the angels have bee annihilated, what could this be?" > Professore Fuyutski asked. Rebecca: I’m betting it’s either an invading army of Decepticons or a package tour group. Hard call what’d be worse. > "I don't know, > but personaly, I think it's another threat, maybe not as bad as > the angels, but still a threat." Rebecca: Not so omnipotent now, is he? Rick: Wouldn't the Dead Sea Scrolls be able to tell them what's coming? Tsuneo: The Dead Sea Scrolls don’t cover ‘stupid’. > "Since it's going to impact Tokyo-3, we have to put the city underground." Tsuneo: ...which you should have done when the threat was first detected, but hey! > "Right." Rebecca: Leadership! Rick: Best part is, they performed that whole exchange without moving their lips once. > Next day, Nerv HQ, 11:30 A.M. > The children arrive at Nerv HQ with Misato. Rick: Her car must be awfully cramped by now, especially with Freakboy McSteroidpusher in there. Dan: Tokyo-3 Drift was pretty meh, but the climactic race between Misato and Yukari was awesome. > They come in the room where Ritsuko awaits. Dan [Ritsuko]: Took your sweet time. > "Children, get ready for the synchronization test." Said Ritsuko. Rick: And why are we having another synch test now? Rebecca: Author needed to make some imaginary word count? Beyond that, I got nothing. > "Hai!"responded the children. > They all hopped in their entry plug. Tsuneo: All in one? Talk about cramped? Dan: [Shinji] Hey Tom, get your elbow out of my ear! > About fifteen minutes later. > "Misato, look at the scores." told Ritsuko. Tsuneo [bored]: And Tom will be amazing. Wow. > "Oh my god, Tom is good! He has 147%! He is already second. Shinji has 168%, > Asuka has 124% and Rei 132%. Rick [Asuka]: You dare surpass the great Asuka's amazing sync rate? TOGG! Rebecca: ‘Togg’? Rick: Yeah, I dunno. It just lacks a little zing. Rebecca: So you weren’t trying to make a Renegade Legion ref? Rick: Oh, I wish. > But Tom is amazing for a beginner." All: We know. > An hour later, 12:45. > The Children are done with their tests. Rick [Shinji]: I totally messed that one up. I got so focused on the first question that I ran out of time for the rest. Dan [Tom]: That one was hard. I mean... “name”. That was totally a trick question and all. > "O.K. Children, get ready. The specimen is going to hit downtown, two miles > ahead from where you are going to start. Rebecca: Sucks if there’s a two-and-a-half mile blast radius. > Your job, Rick: Should you choose to accept it. > wait for it to impact, if it attacks, destroy it, Tsuneo: Shoot first, sift through the remains later. > if not, stay around it and watch all its movements, got it?" > "Hai!" > The Children all got their plug suit put on Tsuneo: All in one plugsuit now? Rick: The MiBs weren’t the only ones who had a cutback in the clothing budget. Dan: So what were they wearing in the sync test, their bathers? > and got in their entry plug except Rick: All in one entry plug? That is squashed. Rebecca: Plural, motherlover! Do you speak it? > Tom that took a good look at his Eva first. The rebuilt Eva 03 looked like the old > one with a better armor, shoulder plates and a red hawk on the chest. Tsuneo: Forgive me for saying this, but why does he have a custom crest on his EVA? Besides the obvious answer of making sure he’s even cooler than everyone else? Rick: He won a gift voucher to Pimp My Mecha. Dan: I heard that Char Aznable has a lifetime discount there. He brings them so much business. > Tom hopped in his entry plug right after. It's 1:15. Rebecca: And it’s time for the Big Green Thing. > "City underground started." Tsuneo: ...I understand the words, but their meanings elude me... Rick: Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra. Dan: Shaka, when the walls fell Rebecca: Temba, his arms wide Tsuneo: Nope, you’re still making more sense then the fic. Rick: Dammit. > All the city's buildings went underground. 1:20, > Evas are launched. The Evas 00, Tsuneo: I’d say “it exploded”, but then, I suppose it got better as well. Not going to ask, going to just smile and nod. Rebecca: It’s better this way. Tsuneo: I think my head is going to explode. > 01, 02 and 03 run to the Impact place. It's 1:25. Rebecca: It’s... the final countdown! > "Children, get ready for impact!" Misato ordered. > "Hai!" > 5 minutes later, a huge fireball hits the ground near the Evas > and makes a crater of about 15 meters of diameter. Dan: Kinda anti-climactic actually. Rebecca: Isn’t that what your ex said? Lots of build up then no big bang? > A green building high creature gets up. It has red eyes, Tsuneo: Use the red-eye reduction filter. Works miracles and makes your photos look less like a ravening zombie horde. Rick: Less? > long brown legs pierced with holes, > a long spiky tail and hands with three fingers. > Its head has four horns, Rick: It’s a Teenage Mutant Ninja Angurius! > one on the forehead, one on top of the > head and one on each side. > "What da fuck is dat?" asked Tom in surprise. Tsuneo: That’s pretty much my reaction too. Rebecca: Looks like they just got the leftover bits of Kamen Rider monsters and taped them together. > "I don't know," answered Misato, "but be careful!" > Suddenly, the MAGI beeped three times Rebecca: Of all the times for a General Protection Fault... hold on guys, this’ll take a while to reboot. > as Shigeru yelled : > "What da??" Tsuneo: My thoughts exactly. > "What? We detected a blood pattern???" yelled Ritsuko. > "Yes, red blood pattern!!" yelled Maya. > "The same as a human? How can it be??" asked Misato. > "The same as a human's or any living thing on earth!" > said Ritsuko as MAGI beeped again. Rick: That’s the “running out of episode” warning. > "What now?" asked Ritsuko. > "The target is mainly a blood pattern, Rick: Guess it hit the ground a bit too hard. Dan: Chunky Salsa! > but we detected some blue, Rebecca: A touch of robin-egg and just the slightest hint of avocado. Rick [Camp]: Simply marvellous! > blood pattern detected as purple!" said Shigeru. Rick: Aoba got a line! [They all cheer] > "What tha?" responded Ritsuko in surprise. Tsuneo: That’s what I’d like to know. Dan: It’s the genetic code of Gamera monsters. > The creature put his hand up in front of unit 02 and a yellow light appeared on > it. Rick: Stop! In the name of Love! > The creature fired and knocked Unit 02 down ten yards away. Rebecca: Only ten yards? Well that accomplished nothing on a sixty-plus meter robot. > "Raise an AT Field Children and attack!" yelled Misato. > They all raised AT Fields but the creature jumped on Rei, used his own AT to > penetrate Rei's defense, Dan [Rough]: oh baby oh baby oh baby. > used its tail to pick up Rei's Eva, and threw her away. Rick [Rei]: How come I never get to kick butt in any of these fight scenes? Dan [Tom]: Girls have Soft Bits. EVA pilots shouldn’t have Soft Bits. They should have Hard Bits, muscles and stuff. [pause] I’m full of Hard Bits. > Shinji and Tom jumped on the creature and combined their Ats to destroy the > monster's field. Tom grabbed the monster by the throat Dan [Tom]: Does Tom Dyron have to choke a... whatever... the hell you are? > and its tail. The unit 03 > went on full power and had 1:00 of power left. Dan: So what happened to their power cords? Rick: Asuka yanked them while they weren't looking, the joker. > Eva 03 used all its strenght and ripped the monster's tail off and threw it away. Rebecca: Rargh! Tom smash! > Tom then put more pressure on the > neck to make the monster open its mouth. Dan: Open wide, nom nom nomns! Here comes the aeroplane! Rick: Spoon-feeding alien horrors is never easy. They eventually grow out of it and learn to devour their own prey, but it’s messy until then. > The rebuilt Eva took out a progressive > grenade and shoved it down the creature's throat. Tom then forced the monster > to close his mouth as he took a few steps back. > The alien's stomach exploded Dan [makes farting noises]: Scuse me. Urgh. [More farting noises] > and it fell on the floor. Tsuneo: The “floor”? Are they fighting indoors now? > Rei and Asuka got back up. Dan: What was Shinji doing in all this? Rebecca: What he usually does in Evangelion fanfic – nothing at all. > 0:20 seconds left of power for > Tom. Suddenly the creature grew back its tail Rebecca: Yeah, that’s nice and all, but aren’t its guts leaking out all over the place? > and got back up and jumps on Tom. Rebecca: And that’s going to help a lot too. Dan [Monsterous]: Just a sucking chest wound; nothing to worry about. > "Be careful, it's gonna self detsruct!!!" yelled Misato. > "Not in my scenario!" responded Tom. [They all laugh weakly] > Eva 03 used its AT Field full blast to throw the monster away and blow it up!!! Tsuneo: AT Fields do not work that way. Good night! > "Nice job, Tom!" congratulated Shinji. > "Incredible!" Asuka said. Rick [Deadpan]: Yay Tom, you are awesome. > "This monster has a lot in common with an Angel, but it's not." noticed Rei. Rick: So it's like an angel, but it's not. That was as concise as ever. Tsuneo: Okay, in precisely *what* way was it like an angel? Dan: It had an AT field. Tsuneo: And? Dan: It tried to kill Rei. Rick: He’s got you there, buddy. > "Shinji, you were at 210% synchro, but the most incredible thing was that Tom was > at 210% too! You and Tom were in perfect coordination Shinji!" Rebecca: Wow! Now imagine what they could achieve if Shinji was actually doing something. > "Well Tom, we make a great team!" said Shinji. Rick: TEAMWORK! [He fistbumps Tsuneo again] > "Yup," said Tom, "but eject my entry plug cuz I got no more power!" Dan: Naw, let’s leave him there and let pigeons poop on him > "Too bad the monster's body was all blown up, we won't be able to analyse it!" Tsuneo: What about the tail he ripped off? Isn’t that of any use? Rick: That’s tail DNA. It’s totally different. Dan: Tail DNA? [Rick nods sagely] > said Ritsuko. > "Don't worry, I have a feeling this one isn't the only one of this kind that's > gonna come to get us!" said Tom. All: Foreshadowing! > "He has a good point..." said Misato. > "You're right, we'll see later anyways!" Rebecca: Tune in next week, same DELTA time, same DELTA channel! > Misato's apartment, 11:00 P.M. Rick: Lunch time. She’s a late riser. > "I fried his ass, whoohoo!!" said Tom making a little dance. Rick: Tom’s victory dance, naked save for Pen-Pen, would go on to become a Youtube phenomenon. > "Yup, you got him bad Tom!" Shinji > said, "Let's celebrate for Tom's first win on his first mission!" > "Hell yeah!!" said Misato. Tsuneo: Is there any reason why everyone’s talking like a drunken American teenager? Rebecca: The writer is simply going with what little he knows. > "Tom, what do you drink?" Tsuneo: The tears of fans as their canon is defiled beyond recognition. Rebecca: Bitter? Tsuneo: I’m just getting warmed up. > "Beer if you got some!" Tom answered. > "Well, you're a lucky one!" Misato said, "Beer is my favorite drink!" > "Mine too!" responded Tom. Rick: Responsibility is for sissies! Let the teenager drink! Dan: I figure he’s probably killed plenty of braincells already. Few more won’t matter. Rebecca: Yeah, but he has the liver of a fifty-seven year old. > "Let's put on some music and party!" > Tom put on the last CD of DOD "Hell in Heaven" and took his guitar. Dan: Yeah, but if he tries piloting his EVA with it, I’m out of here. > "Misato, did you know I'm the singer of Dragons of Doom?" Rick [Dan]: I’m also an Olympic gold medal triathalete, Nobel Laureate for Science, bestselling author, the best damn cook you’ve ever seen and President of Bolivia! How awesome am I? Rebecca [Misato]: Well... I have a penguin that can count! > "Yeah, Asuka told me!" Misato answered. > "Cool." said Tom. Dan: Bet you anything that she’s also a big fan of Dragons of Dung too. > Tom started getting crazy on the guitar and he sang along the music. Rick: Keep going Tom. The more you humiliate yourself, the more hits the Youtube vid gets. Try putting Misato’s bra on... or better yet, put it on your head! > Misato and Asuka started dancing. > "Come on Rei and Shinji, dance!" > "We don't know how!" answered Shinji. Tsuneo: That's never stopped anyone. Rebecca: Give him a beer and he'll be fine. > "Bullshit, anybody can dance!" Tom answered. > "If you say so..." responded Rei. > And Shinji started dancing taking Rei along with him. Tsuneo: Rei’s moves are awesome. But she can only do them once. Rick: I bet she dances the *Tang*-o. > "That's better!" yelled Tom. "Whoohoo!!" > Tom played the guitar as he watched the others dance. Then suddenly, he noticed > something. He noticed how beautiful Asuka looked Rebecca: I think that’s just the beer talking. Dan [Tom, drunk]: Those eyes, those feathers, that cute and so kissable little beak, those feathers... Asuka, you’re the most beautiful waterfowl I’ve ever met! Rick: “Tom dances naked and makes out with a Penguin” was the viral hit of the year. > and couldn't take his eyes off her. Tsuneo: They stuck to her sleeves and had to be scraped off. > Looking at her, he started playing even better. Dan: And his pants got a little tighter. > Shinji couldn't help starring at Rei all along. Rick [Shinji]: She has this wad of snot hanging out her nose... I should tell her, but then she’d be all embarrassed, but if I don’t then it’ll stay there and... oh gods, its wiggling as she dances! > Misato was dancing when the phone rang suddenly. Dan: It was the deaf neighbour calling to complain about the noise. > Misato answered. > "Hello?" > "Hello, Misato? It's Kaji." Dan [Misato]: I thought I killed you! Rick [Kaji]: Luckily, your aim's terrible. > "Kaji? I thought they had killed you!!" > "No, I'm alive. Rick [Kaji]: Stings a bit though. > Do you wanna come over tonight?" Rick [Kaji]: This isn’t a trap. At all. > "Where?" > "The Sunshine Hotel, room 978, ok?" Rebecca: Well that sounds like a reputable and classy establishment. Especially the way it charges by the hour. Rick: Place doesn’t have a single coat hanger. Some dumb guy and an underwear model stole them to fight off a bird attack. > "Got it, I'll be there soon." > Misato hang up happy as hell. > "Kids, I'm going out, I'll be back tomorrow, see ya." Rick [Kaji]: I mysteriously survived death at your own hands and have been missing for the last year and a half, but it's still not a trap. > "O.K. see ya tomorrow Misato!" Tom answered as Misato left. Rebecca: Okay, but if her corpse turns up face-down in the river, she's got no-one to blame but herself. > Tom continued playing music for twenty more minutes. > "Guys, I just remembered, Dan [Tom]: The sum of the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides! Rebecca [Asuka]: What does that have to do with anything? Dan [Tom]: Nothing. I just remembered it. > it's 11:30 and tomorrow we have school!" said Tom. > "Who cares?" said Asuka. "You did a hell of a battle, we're all skipping school > tomorrow!" Tsuneo: ...or they would have been kept at NERV at least overnight for debriefing and medicals, as well as to see if there were any unexpected side effects from first contact with an unknown alien race. Rick: But the important part is that they get to skip school. Tsuneo: I... suppose so. > "I don't mind!" answered Tom. > And they all went to sleep about an hour later. Rebecca: The next morning amounted to a ‘most regrettable wake-up next to’ contest. > Tom was having a nightmare. Dan: The one where he’s running through a swamp from a carnivorous carrot, only to realise that he doesn’t have a bus ticket. Others: ... Dan: Hey! You have your nightmares and I have mine! > "No, not the "Big One", mom, NO!!!!!!!! All: ... Rebecca: Take that how you will, folks. > Mom, don't leave me, don't die! No!!!! Tsuneo: This is every Evangelion character’s nightmare. Be more specific. Rick: Not Aoba’s. Tsuneo: We don’t know enough about Aoba to answer that either way. Rick: Truly, he is an enigma. > I don't wanna leave mom and Joe, dad. Why did they have to die?" > Tom suddenly woke up and > looked out the window and said "Tomorrow's another day..." Rick: Since it’s past midnight, it’s tomorrow already. > and he went back to sleep. > End of Genesis 0:14 “Well that was...” Tsuneo began as the screen switched off. “Well, we were supposed to be reviewing.” Rick replied with an almost nonchalant shrug. “Doesn’t mean that what we’ll be reviewing is any good.” “After all, crap gets reviewed as well.” Dan added. “And that...” “Actually, I’d be interested to hear your thoughts.” The Voice spoke up, the four of them jumping ever so slightly at the return of their unseen employer. “Although, as you’ve probably guessed, since this is the first in a series, I’d just like your initial thoughts here. I’ll collect final reviews at the end.” “And I can imagine that Tsuneo here has a lot to get off his chest.” Rebecca spoke up. “So I think we’ll let him go first before he explodes or something.” Tsuneo nodded. “Yeah... I mean, I know I harped on a lot about the continuity-“ “No!” Rebecca exclaimed with a broad grin on her face. “But that’s because it’s such a major issue,” Tsuneo continued unabated. “The author clearly knows how much he’s changed everything, since he references Kaji’s disappearance and such, but offers no reason or justification for why so much in the last few episodes just plain didn’t effect this story. It’s at the point where I wonder why it’s even a continuation of the series, rather than just picking up in the middle.” “The thing that bugged me was the action in this piece,” Dan said. “I figure it’s meant to be an action fic in generally, probably focusing on blowing up more of these “Invadors,” but if that fight was a good preview, then I’m not looking forward to the rest. The critter starts by throwing away Rei and Asuka, then the rest is just Tom wailing on it with increasingly stupid moves until it just blows up for the heck of it. No real sense of danger or excitement, and nobody else does anything.” “Now with all that being said, I have to say that this was badly written.” Rebecca spoke up. “Like, really badly. There’s minimal description and most of the dialogue amounts to the characters shouting clipped sentences at each other. It almost reads like it was written in script format and then converted back to prose by minimal effort process. Added to that there’s the nonsense spelling and bizarre grammar, which really doesn’t help.” “So I guess that just leaves Tom himself.” Rick finished. “And I gotta say this much; even though this is only early days, Tom himself is shaping up to be a true classic godmode self-insertion. He’s amazingly good at everything, he’s famous, he’s the centre of every scene and he’s got a list of accomplishments and skills that are just kind of nuts. And, I suspect, this is just the beginning.” “Reckon that he’ll have grown to godlike proportions by the end of the series?” Rebecca asked. “He’s got a lot of the classic problems of a creator-owned property.” Rick explained. “A writer with nobody higher up the food chain ‘no, that’s a bad idea’. It helps.” “Speaking from experience?” “Uh...” Rick looked around. “I’ve heard... stuff. Yeah.” “Speaking of the series,” Tsuneo nodded to the screen. “I suppose we’ll be watching the rest of it. After all, we still have a new character and a new Evangelion to come.” Dan shrugged. “Eh, it was bad but not terrible and actually kind of funny. I think I can handle a few more chapters.” “Good to know.” The voice spoke up. “Because I’ve got you four on-board for all thirteen chapters.” There was a stunned silence. “Thir-teen?!” Tsuneo finally spluttered. “One was bad enough. Two or three more I might be able to handle but thirteen? That’s insane, especially if they’re all like this. Or worse...” “If Delta Invasion lasts that long...” Rick swallowed loudly. “What chance, then, do we have?” “Yeah, I can tell we’re in for some deep hurting.” Rebecca rubbed her forehead with her metal arm, as if trying to push the fingers through her skin. “Ow.” “Ah come on, guys.” Dan offered, a degree of fading bravado in his voice. “We get fee booze, we get free snacks and we get paid for watching this crap.” He gave a forced grin. “It can’t be that bad, right?” Another silence. “Right?” “Let’s just go before the Voice decides to throw us through a Delta marathon instead.” Rebecca shook her head as she stood. “Or finds some other ‘gem’ to throw at us.” “Agreed.” Tsuneo nodded as he joined her. “And while it has been a pleasure meeting you all, I’d rather not hang around here any longer.” “You know what we should do?” Rick spoke up. “Get to know each other a bit better. I saw a Tharonja’s down the street on the way in. Wanna get a bite?” “What’s one of those?” Dan asked. “Everything comes with bacon.” Rick enthusiastically offered. “Everything.” “Even the drinks?” “Well, only some of the drinks.” Rick admitted. “But so do some of the deserts.” “Awesome.” Dan grinned. “Come on guys and madwoman, let’s go.” He all but vaulted off the couch, headed for the door. Giving a simple shrug, Rebecca looked at the other two, then headed out after him, Rick and Tsuneo following them. “Bacon makes everything better!” Rick added, his tone upbeat despite their earlier surprise. Unbeknownst to the reviewers, there had been a second witness to the unfolding events. As they left, it watched them depart with unblinking eyes. “It’s them.” ----- Author’s notes: Yep, we’re back. The same Elmer Studios team, only older and with more literacy. While we did drop out of the MSTing game, one hundred and fifty (one) episodes, three bonus continuity theatre outings, innumerable side projects and some other stuff has a certain lure to it that cannot be ignored. And while yes, our return outing is a “rebuild” of an old classic (see what I did there?) be assured that there’s a lot more to come. And while Real Life means that scheduling may be a bit spotty, be assured that this is not just a one-off event. So sit back, pull up a Mint In Box Giant Vamp, relax and enjoy the show. Special thanks go to Claude Smith, the webmaster of Heavens-Feel, for the Elmer Studios archive. Maintaining stuff that we thought was gone forever and lost to innumerable hard drive crashes and dead websites is pretty damn awesome; in fact, it was his backup that inspired this project. Thanks also to Mike Surbrook for being an awesome friend and for getting us started in this game some... many... lots of years ago through his inspiration. “Do a MSTing with your RPG characters” worked so well for him so we figured “Sure, why not?” Thanks also for the awesome Rebecca artwork. Additional thanks to Mark Seldon and Richard Speyer for being players in the campaigns that spawned these four wonderful characters; they wouldn’t be who they are today without you. Thanks also to Dr Sinn for the Random Delta Invasion Episode Generator And finally thanks to you out there, everyone who read, wrote, commented, recommended fics and laughed your pants off. Thanks guys. Evangelion created by Gainax Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion created by “Tom Dyron”. You know who you are. Thanks for the laughs! Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis created by Rick R. (natch) Tsuneo Tateao and Dan created by Zogster Questions? Comments? Complaints? Shock and/or terror? Email us at elmerstudios00 (at) gmail.com and register your Jeff. Elmer Studios! http://www.heavens-feel.com/elmer/ All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and other stuff in one spot ----- > "Hello, Misato? It's Kaji." > "Kaji? I thought they had killed you!!"