----- Episode 203 – The Rebuild of Delta, part 3 in which an awful lot of nothing happens ----- It was a nice apartment, well-lit, spacious and well furnished. A pair of nice, plush leather couches set the scene, arranged in a neat L-shape, with a small coffee table between them. What dominated the room, however, was the massive flat-screen against one wall, so big as to loom over all else around it. By comparison, the broad windows with views out over a strangely futuristic metropolis and the other doorways leading away to gods alone knew where seemed like afterthoughts. “Well you two sound like you had an… Interesting time.” Tsuneo began as he entered the room, Rick right behind him. “I think I’m kind of glad I missed it though.” Rick gave a small shrug. “Boring as all hell source material, but not too terrible.” “It’s a professional work though.” Tsuneo countered. “Which sounds like it’d be better then Delta. After all, there’s some sense of responsibility, right?” “Art and writing by the guy who owned the company.” Rick shot back. “And robbed it blind.” “Ouch.” Tsuneo finished. “But still, sounds better then what we’ve been reading regardless.” “Tell you what was fun,” Rick offered. “The ‘B-Team’ guys were a blast. Definitely fun to work with and I’d like to see ‘em again.” He grinned. “Natasha was a blast; she’s in a band and got into the fun of it all.” “She was almost like a female Dan.” Rebecca offered as she stepped in. “Take that how you will.” “That could be….” Tsuneo tried to find the right worlds. “Yeah.” “On the other hand, Matt was fun for different reasons.” Rick continued. “Smart guy but for some reason he and Rebecca just hated each other on sight. It was kinda fun to watch them lock horns and go at it.” “Somebody who won’t take crap from her?” Dan quipped as he joined the three of them. “Now that would have been worth seeing.” “Call it a professional rivalry.” Rebecca countered, trying to sound casual about it. “Like Dan has with dung beetles.” “Very funny.” He glared at her, which at least got her to smile back. “Though meeting the pair of them got me thinking!” Rick excitedly continued. “So you know the comic, right?” “Don’t tell me, re-tooled again?” Rick nodded. “They think that it needs more social commentary and relevance then one can normally get out of a time-travelling madman with an ice-cream machine.” “The joke pretty much writes itself.” Rebecca muttered. “He’s pretty passionate about this project.” Tsuneo nodded. “I’d never have figured.” “So I had an idea from talking with them that I wanted to run past the two of you,” Rick continued, indicating to Rebecca and Dan. “See, I was thinking that you two have had all sorts of interesting adventures, right?” “You bet.” Dan replied, boastfully. “I’m, like, the king of adventure or something.” “So I was thinking-“ “You can hear the gears stripping.” Rebecca interjected. “-that your stuff could be used as the basis for some new material.” Rick finished without skipping a beat. “I mean, I’d ensure that you got full credit and all that, make sure that there’s no omission and the like. Hell, you could even cameo if you want.” “Sounds good to me.” Rebecca nodded. “Definitely up for it, especially if you use my dashing good looks.” Dan added with a grin, raising a brow. “He wants to attract readers, not lose them.” Rebecca shot back, then turned to Rick. “So what would you need?” “Maybe start with some short stories; your best moment or something you can pass on. Nothing classified or the like, obviously.” Rick explained. “And best to avoid the tale where you two met.” Tsuneo added. “otherwise we’ll never hear the end of it.” “Well, I have a good one, if I can go first?” Rebecca asked, leaning back on the edge of the couch. “This happened back in my earliest days, back when I was new to the... exploration racket. I was fresh to the job with a shiny new arm and a head full of eagerness and crazy ideas.” “Gotcha. Should I ask about the arm?” “Like I said, perfectly ordinary car accident.” Rebecca’s tone indicated that it was anything but. “So anyway, a scout picks up an oddball signal coming from an unremarkable pre-spaceflight tech world. Nobody has any idea what it is, so I get the job of popping by and investigating it, making sure that it’s nothing terrible or the like.” “Anyone think it was aliens?” Rick perked up “Nobody believes in aliens.” Rebecca snorted derisively. “Only idiots, the delusional and those who can’t deal with life. Trust me, the instant we see ‘aliens’, we look for a more sane answer, like, say, a guy in a duck costume on a unicycle who’s trolling.” “A rational and sensible answer.” Tsuneo commented. “Didn’t you guys think your invaders were aliens at first?” Dan cut in. “We didn’t have a history of intergalactic communication.” Tsuneo explained. “And they were rather weird at first.” “And the cross-dressing.” Rick added “That too.” Tsuneo coughed. “But as Rebecca was saying…” “So I check in on planet backwards, which is mostly just farming communities and a few mid-sized towns, one or two of which are blatantly built on the ruins of older, high-tech cities.” She continued with a small nod. “But everything’s at a pre-industrial level, and there’s certainly nothing that could have indicated what was causing the signal. The locals, by the way, are dimly aware that they’d fallen from better times, but at the same time aren’t exactly the most informed of people. We’re talking ‘the sky gods smote us for our wicked ways’ level here.” Rick nodded. “So not the sorts to go sending mysterious signals into deep space.” “Nope.” Rebecca shook her head. “Instead I was left chasing halfway across the planet while coordinating with signal-chasers and looking for where on that toilet of a world the stupid thing could be coming from. And maybe I buzzed some hapless farmer with my VTOL out of boredom. You would too.” “True that.” Rick admitted. “So eventually, I wind up in this abysmal corner of one continent where it’s cold, damp and miserable all the time tracing the signal. And what do I find?” She shook her head. “An enigmatic ruin, that’s what.” “You sound like you’re not even surprised.” Rick commented. “I was back then.” She stated. “Nowadays, you see one enigmatic ruin, you’ve seen them all. You’d be amazed how often they come up in my line of work” She glanced over to Tsuneo and nodded. “Wouldn’t be surprised if your home has one too.” “I should check!” Rick perked up. “Do, They can be fun.” Rebecca added. “Unless someone blows them up.” Dan muttered. “Just saying.” “Shush you and wait your turn.” Rebecca countered. “At any rate, I figure that said ruins are the source of the signal and decide to mount an expedition inside to figure out what is going on. Naturally it all goes bad, as there’s a lunatic cult inside the ruins who don’t appreciate intruders.” She shrugged. “Oh, and one of them’s a farmer who I buzzed earlier, and he’s kind of figured out that I’m not local.” “He recongised your VTOL?” “Sort of.” She offered. “These guys are a secret technology cult, so they’re not going to be impressed by me trying for the ‘woo, magic’ approach. Though they were impressed by the arm… but they also wanted to hack it off and add it to their collection. I was against that.” “Would have been an improvement.” Dan smirked, only to get another glare from her. “Anyway, I eventually reach the heart of the situation, and find the source of the signal.” Rebecca smirked. “And for once, one of my more esoteric skills paid off. Turns out the source was a server running some ancient operating system that was so obscure as to be unrecognisable. And the signal… was a WiFi authentication.” “Strangely anticlimactic.” Rick commented as he wrote. “But amusing.” “Hey, that’s my life.” She shrugged. “It’s not like I spend it hunting for lost empires and fighting things that mankind was not meant to know.” “Well what I do is far cooler.” Dan butted in. “Let me tell you a story.” “This should be good.” Rebecca smirked. “See, thing is, I’m the toughest and strongest giant robot cowboy in the world.” He began, his tone confident to the point of bragging. “This happened just after my second greatest adventure ever, which was where I fought the dinosaur-riding warrior women.” “Really.” Rebecca simply raised a brow. “Oh yeah. Fight and a half that was!” Dan exclaimed. “So anyway, I’d just come back from that into town, when I saw a wanted poster up.” He narrowed his eyes as he spoke. “Kyle Wilport, the meanest headhunter in the region was on the loose again, and there was a huge bounty on his head. Everyone else was afraid of him, but not me, because I don’t back down from a fight. They called me Dangerous Dan, and I was gonna show them why.” “Because you never wash and the stink is lethal.” Rebecca interjected. “Anyway, I headed over to the bar, where Archie Simonson, the first of his thugs was having a drink.” Dan didn’t miss a beat. “Archie was the meanest swordfighter in the world, and was as fast as a cut snake. Nobody would mess with him, but I wasn’t afraid. I walked right on up to him and said ‘Hey Archie, where’s your boss’ like I owned him.” “He looked me right back, and then grabbed his sword and threw it at me!” He called out excitedly. “But I caught it, and threw it back, nailing him to the floor. Then I sauntered on up to him and said-“ “How does that even work?” Tsuneo spoke up. “-Where’s your boss, Archie?” Dan’s voice was full of bravado. “And he was all ‘oh noes, don’t hurt me!’ and told me where Guy-“ “-Kyle-“ “-Kyle was.” Dan didn’t miss a beat. “So I got in my giant robot and headed out of town. See, Hal-“ “-Kyle-“ “-Kyle was planning to knock over the Maglev to the capitol, loaded down with gold, gems and bullion.” Dan’s voice was sounding more excited as he spoke. “He’d sent some of his men to knock it over, headed up by the dreaded Stalker sisters, Sy and Fyre. Sy was a master of stealth and subtlety, and was said to be able to kill people with a thought. Fyre was a jewel thief extraordinaire who liked to burn things.” “With a name like that, I’m not surprised.” Tsuneo commented. “Why is the jewel thief a pyro?” Rebecca spoke up. “It doesn’t make any sense, even if her name is Fyre.” “So anyways, I fought my way through his powersuit goons and faced the sisters. The pair of them were as tough as they were beautiful, but they were also not going to give up. Fyre had a flamethrower – no, two flamethrowers, and Sy had a pair of double-bladed swords. They fought hard, but they were no match for me – at least, not at first.” “See, the pair of them had a Secret Attack.” He called out excitedly. “Fyre let out some of the fuel from her flamethrower tanks, and doused Sy’s swords in it. Then she set them on fire, so SY was no wielding double, dual-bladed fire swords!” There was a long pause. “What?” “Yeah, let’s just go on.” Rick managed. “However, as tough as they seemed, I was able to beat them – and let me tell you, that was a fight and a half. Once I had them beat and had saved the train and had gotten my reward, I asked them the same question as I had Archie – where’s John-“ “-Kyle-“ “-Kyle. You’re out of henchmen, so he’s all that’s left.” Dan didn’t miss a beat. “So they told me, but added that I was better off not going, for their boss had a surprise.” “This will be good.” Rebecca shook her head. “See, I went to Alan-“ “-Kyle-“ “Kyle’s lair. He was there and he was acting all smart and he was all ‘you’ve beaten my men and stopped my robbery, but I have a secret weapon.’ And with that, he pulled a switch, and out from the floor came Titan, his pet bear. But Titan was no ordinary bear; he was wearing amour, and was carrying a Railgun-“ “Now you’re just being dumb.” Rebecca interrupted. “I mean, this is sounding more and more like something the Voice would serve up.” “Actually, I was quite enjoying it.” The Voice interjected. “My point.” Rebecca shook her head. “So how’s it going up there?” “Well, I’m glad to see you’re all here.” The Voice continued. “Because it’s time for this week’s film=” “Please don’t be more Delta.” Tsuneo sounded almost hopeful “-the third part of Delta Invasion.” “Damn.” “Can we go back to Dan?” Rick asked. “I liked his story. More bears, less Tom Dyron. Bears make everything better.” “I thought they made things worse.” Dan countered “No bears thus far in Delta, so…” “Hm, good point there.” Tsuneo nodded. “But I suppose that we’re here and getting paid.” “Could we pay Dan to stand up and talk instead?” Rick offered, hopeful. “I’d be down with that.” Dan nodded. “No.” “Please?” “Not gonna work. He is a cruel and merciless disembodied voice.” Rebecca shook her head. “So let’s just stop stalling and hit the inevitable.” They sat, almost reluctantly, taking places on the couch. The big screen switched on, causing a change to script format. > Genesis 0:16 : Only Time Will Tell/The Future Is Not Written > October 11th, 2017 Rick: Do you know where your children are? > Misato's apartment. > 10:00 A.M. > Misato woke up, dressed up quickly and went out without waking up anyone. > Another rendez-vous with Kaji. Tsuneo: Doesn't she ever *work* or anything like that? > About thirty minutes later, Tom woke up, he was always the first to wake up. > He put on some clothes Dan: So it’s safe now. > and yelled : > "WAKE UP DAMNIT!!!" > But no one actualy moved. Rebecca [Rei]: If we don't move, maybe he'll go away. > Then, Tom got a good idea. Dan [Tom]: After thirteen years, releasing Duke Nukem forever will be awesome! > He put on Dragons of Doom as loud as his stereo could. Rebecca: Isn’t that considered a war crime in some countries? > But they still didn't wake up. Tsuneo: Although the deaf neighbour complained about the noise. > "O.K. > Dat's it!!!" Tom took out his guitar and starts playing as loud as he could. > Asuka and Rei woke up right away. > "Hi Tom, you woke us up!" said Asuka. Rick: [Asuka] I wanted to sleep in, you twerp! You dare interrupt the great Asuka's sleep? BIFF! Dan: Naw, still needs something. > "Damnit, finaly, but Shinji's still sleeping, and I tried every noise, Rebecca: He even tried the brown note. > so I'm going with Plan B!" > "And what is Plan B?" asked Rei. Tsuneo: Let Shinji sleep? He's the only one who does any housework, after all. > "You'll see!" Rebecca: So you're going to hit him with an N2 mine? Rick: Say, if you let off an N2 mine in Misato's apartment, would anyone notice? Dan: Not Misato. Rick: The fleas might complain, though. > Tom got right next to Shinji > and said : Rebecca [Tom]: Surprise Buttsex! [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion] > "Let's get ready to rumble!!!!!" > Tom ran and legdropped Shinji on the back. Dan: And then got a bad elbow from doing it too often. Rick: Remember: Never try this at home. Leave it to the professionals, or, at least, total morons who you can laugh at. > "ARGH!!!!!!!!" yelled Shinji, > "DAMNIT THAT HURTS!!!!" > "Finaly, I woke you up!" said Tom. > "Asshole!" said Shinji. Rebecca: So you sure they’re not gay, just bros. Rick: Positive. Rebecca; Really, really sure? Rick: …uh, can I take a raincheck on that? > The four children walked down to the kitchen Tsuneo: What, so Misato's got a split-level apartment now? Dan: Nah, the foundations have just started to settle. > and ate breakfast. As usual, Tom cooked and read the newspaper. Rick [Tom]: Hey, Rei! How do you like your newspaper? Fried or boiled? Tsuneo [Rei]: I haven't the heart to tell him. Dan [Asuka]: Tom you idiot, you're meant to read the newspaper! *Then* cook it! > About an hour later, the phone rang. Rei went to get it. > "Hello?" > "Hello, it's Ritsuko, we need you at the HQ right now!" Rebecca: [Ritsuko] And have you seen Misato anywhere? She's got a job to do. > "O.K. I'll call the others." > "Thank you Rei, bye." > "Bye." Dan [Rei]: Hag. Rick [Ritsuko]: Kiss-up. Tsuneo: ... > Rei hang up. Rebecca: Isn't that what Asuka's mother did? Dan: I think he meant "hung up." Rebecca: You ruin all my fun. > "Who was it, Rei?" asked Tom. > "It was Ritsuko, she needs us right now at the Nerv HQ, so let's go!" Rick [Asuka]: If it's another goddamned sync test, I quit! > They got out of the apartment, hopped on their motorcycles and drove to > the Nerv HQ. Tsuneo: *The* Nerv HQ? How many of them are there? Rick: As opposed to the TERRA? Rebecca: Or the Tatsumiyajima Island? Dan: Or the The Gowa Foundation? Tsuneo: …you won that one. > They got in and met Misato and Kaji in the elevator. Rebecca: Rapidly adjusting their clothes. > "Hi Misato, hi Kaji!" said Shinji. > "How are you guys doing?" asked Kaji. > "We're just fine!" said Tom, "I never met you Kaji!" as Tom showed Kaji his > hand. Dan: Yes, it's a hand! Rebecca: Careful with that, Kaji. You don't want to know where it's been. > Kaji shook it and said "Nice to meet you. You must be Tom, the amazing 6th > children!" > "I'm flattered!" responded Tom. Tsuneo [Bored]: Yay Tom is awesome and everyone loves him. Rick: Well this is Kaji. He could be just playing Tom as a part of some greater scheme Tsuneo: It’s a happy thought to keep me going. > "Well, that's our floor!" said Misato. > "Ours too..." said Asuka. Dan: Gee, what were the chances? Rebecca: Amazing. Misato's actually at work in this fic. Tsuneo: Yeah, but not in the command room, or anything stupid like that. > They all got out and went to see Ritsuko. Rebecca: You think Ritsuko ever regrets calling them ‘Invadors’ rather then something a little more useful or descriptive or biblically-themed or even just better spelt? Rick: She wanted to call them ‘Sparky Sparky Boom Men’ but felt that it was a little too undignified. > "Hi Ritsuko" said Misato. > "Hey all of you, you know why I needed you here?" > "No..." answered all of them. Tsuneo: Can I phone a friend? > "Well, first of all, Adam was destroyed by Commander Ikari because it was > considered too dangerous, Dan: It had to be put down after it mauled the mailman. Kinda sad, actually. > but we need the children to go and destroy Lilith now! Rebecca: Destroy all monsters! > I asked you early because five AT Fields were detected, Tsuneo: Five? Maybe their strategy is to win by sheer weight of numbers. Rick: Try communicating with them; I hear ‘kek zerg’ works. > so you have 20 mintutes to destroy Lilith, Dan: Achievement Unlocked: Destroy Lilith in under 20 minutes Tsuneo: Achievement Unlocked: Destroy Canon in three chapters > but in order to destroy it, we need to bring the > sniper rifle down there, 5 minutes, power it up(we have the permission of > the government to use the electricity of Tokyo-3), Rebecca: This is NERV; you don’t ask, you take. > 10 minutes, get you kids ready and bring 1 Eva(Tom's), 2 minutes. Tsuneo: You don’t think that bringing the EVA that was possessed by an Angel into close contact with Lilith might be a bad idea, do you? > Those AT Fields detected are Invadors, Tsuneo: So we are going with that. Great. Rick: Maybe it’s an attempt at making them copyrightable. Rebecca: That’d make sense if this was a paid, professional work. As it’s crappy fanfic, probably not. [Rick takes out his notebook] Rick: Invad*or*s… > and they are going to hit different places. One is going to hit the Nerv HQ, > well the ground over the Nerv HQ, Rebecca: Ritsuko’s PowerPoint presentations became the bane of the NERV staff. > two are going to hit the east of Tokyo-3, one > is going to hit downtown and the last one is hitting the mountains. Rick: So it’ll be [deep] In the mountains? > They will hit all in the same time, in exactly 35 minutes. Tsuneo: She timed her briefing so it would, indeed, be exactly thirty-five minutes. > Tom will take the two at the > east, Shinji the 1 hitting the Nerv ground, Asuka the 1 downtown and Rei the 1 > in the mountains! Got it?" All: NO! Rebecca: I would ask why they decided to destroy Lilith during an Invador alert, but I suspect that going down that path leads only to madness. > "Hai!" > The Nerv employees took the Sniper Rifle and started taking it down. Dan: Why they hung it on the mantelpiece they’ll never know. Rebecca: Chekov said that if you show a giant particle beam cannon in the first act, then it will be used to blow up an enigmatic alien invader in the third. Tsuneo: He really said that? Rebecca: That and something about ‘nuclear wessles’ > The pilots > got ready. 5 minutes later, the Sniper Rifle is at Terminal Dogma, > 10 minutes > later, it's powered up by Tokyo-3's electricity. Rebecca: Though NERV would later regret letting Crazy Harry do the wiring. > Eva 03 was brought down there. > "Tom, load the rifle, we have 3 minutes left!" > Tom loaded the rifle, All: Action! > aimed and was ready to shoot. > "WAIT!! Take out the Longinus Spear or the shot will be stopped!" Tsuneo: You’d think that would have occurred to someone already. > "O.K., I'm gonna hurry!" > Tom rushed to Lilith and took the spear which was brought back to the earth in > a very special way. Rick: [Cave Johnson] Secret is Moondust. Great portal conductor. Turns out it’s also poisonous. I’ve got a fatal allergy to it. > Since they couldn't carry it, nuclear weapons were shot at > it and made it drop in the direction of earth. Rebecca: Physics be damned! > It fortunately hit a deserted area in Asia and made a twenty miles large crater. Rick: Nobody will miss Kyrgyzstan, now will they? > It then was brought back with a huge ship. Rick: A huge ship in the desert? Dan: Maybe it was one of those ones from Fist of the North Star. > Tom brought it back where he was. 30 seconds left. He aimed > again and was ready to shoot. > "On my signal!!! 3, 2, 1, Rick: Let’s jam! > SHOOT!!!!" > Tom shot Lilith with all the power of the rifle. Rebecca: Not Freudian at all. > As the shot impacted > right on Lilith's chest, her whole chest and stomach blew up. Rick: You are huge! That means you must have huge guts! > Tom saw > Lilith's red core where a human heart usualy lies. Tom reloaded as > quickly as he could and shot right at the core. The red orb blew up as > the monster's head fell in the LCL below. But the room started to crumble. Dan: Any reason? Rebecca: They hired SPECTRE to build it. The instant the villain dies, the whole place blows up. > "TOM, GET OUT, IT'S GONNA FALL DOWN!!!!" > "O.K.!!" Dan: YOU CAN EASE BACK ON THE CAPS, BY THE WAY! Rick: AND THE EXCLAMATIONS! Dan: OK!!!!!!!! > Tom started running as fast as he could with the Lance of Longinus in hand Dan: Give Powerthirst to your Evangelions and they’ll run abnormally fast! Rick: They’ll run as fast as Rahxephons! Dan: People will see them running and think they’re Rahxephons! Rick: In a race against actual Rahxephons! Dan: And it’ll be a tie and they’ll be deported back to TERRA! [Rebecca applauds discretely] > and got out of the room right before it all fell down and Lilith with it. Rebecca: I’ll get you Dyron! Next time! Next tiiiiimeeeee! > "Children, get ready, Eva launch in 5 minutes!" > "Hai!" Tsuneo: Why not have them all prepped while Tom’s off shooting Lillith? Rebecca: Madness, remember. Tsuneo: Oh yeah. > The Children got in their entry plugs. 5 minutes later, Evas are all > launched. Rick: Above and beyond the call of stupidity. > "Rei, Nerv is gonna give you a boost that will throw you 5 miles away from > the mountains in 5 seconds, O.K.?" > "Hai!" Rick [Rei]: I hope you've got a *very* good plan for the landing. Dan [Ritsuko]: Details, details. Fire! > "City Underground!" > And all the buildings went underground Rebecca: And formed a successful resistance movement. > as all the Evas went in position. 2 > minutes before impact. As previewed, Impact made 2 minutes later. Rebecca: In English, maybe? Dan: [Yelling] I tell you same thing twice! > Rei got ready for the Invador taking out her progressive lance. Dan: She’s got her pig-sticker > The monster > she had to face got up and looked like a huge gray giant with no eyes, no mouth, > no face! Rick: Vic Sage! Quick, kill it with Lung Cancer! > Rei raised an AT Field and attacked it with her Lance but it bounced > off. Rei started punching it with everything she had but every hit seemed to > bounce off... Tsuneo: Hmm. Let's think. You've got the Lance of Longinius free now. Why not use that? Dan: Tom won't give it back. He said he found it, and he's gonna keep it. > "Rei, I think this one has an armor of stone, my best advice would be blow it > up!!" said Misato. Dan: Duh. Tsuneo: So… some sort of biologically created stone? Rick: This is giving comic book science a bad name. > "O.K." Rei tried to reach for her > progressive grenade but the started throwing huge rocks Rebecca: My, what a sophisticated attack plan. That'll really work. > at Rei and pierced the AT Field using his. Rei got hit by 3 > rocks, lost balance and fell down. Rebecca: Well there you go. Obviously they were progressive rocks. Tsuneo: I don’t know whether to hit you or the story. > Her Eva broke through the stone of > the mountain and fell off. Rick: See? Tsuneo: Through the stone? She fell *through* the mountain? Dan: There was a semi-trailer racing backwards next to her. [Nods] > Rei saved herself grabbing the mountain. Tsuneo: So she stopped herself from grabbing the mountain? It doesn't make any sense! > Unit 00 started climbing back up the mountain and was behind the Invador. > She took out her progressive grenade and walked slowly behind the monster. Dan: [Elmer Fudd] Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting Invadors. Heheheh. Tsuneo: Of course, how a 65 meter tall robot can be quite is anyone's guess. Rebecca: She's standing on tippy-toes. > She put the grenade right on the giant's neck and ran back. Rick: Grenade Tag. A game you only play once. > The explosion > was so powerful that all everything that was under the giant started to > fall off. > The Invador was dead but Rei wasn't out of danger. She started > running as fast as she could. But the explosion was makin everything break. Dan: She didn’t think this one through, did she? > Rei jumped out of the mountain and escaped a tragical end. Tsuneo: No, she's still in this fic. Rick: Are you kidding? She and Unit 00 would probably just get retconned back to life. > Asuka was downtown > but got the bad luck to be right under the Invador. Tsuneo: And she didn't see it coming? Dan [Misato]: Should we tell her where she's standing? Rick [Ritsuko]: And spoil the surprise? Nah. > The monster impacted right on Asuka knocking her down. Rick: TOGG! Tsuneo: What was that? Rick: Either a silly sound effect or a Renegade Legion ref. I’m not sure. > The creature had brown fur and purple eyes. > It was on four legs and had a huge muscular body. > It was 3 fingered like all other Invadors Tsuneo: I don’t recall any of the Invadors having finger-counts so far. Rebecca: It’s retroactive continuity. They all have them now. > and had the face of a horned wolf. Dan: Hungry like the horned Wolf. > It started pounding Asuka's Eva with its powerful fists, Tsuneo: I thought that it stood on four legs. Rick: Well, either it’s got prehensile, gorilla-like hands and feet… or the writer didn’t think about it. Rebecca: Madness? > but Asuka returned the situation > turning the monster over Rebecca: And cooking until golden brown. Rick: Then she served it with a side-order of newspaper. > and started pounding it. Rick: Where’s the ref in all this? Is he blind or something? Dan: Asuka was later bought before a league tribunal on charges of excess violence and head-high tackles. The results of that hearing are still pending. > But the Invador bit her neck hard and made Asuka let go. Rebecca: Extreme hicky! > Asuka jumped back > and so did her enemy. Tsuneo: Leaping backwards up a tree, ninja-style. Not playing the footage backwards at all. > She took out her progressive knife. Dan: Using it to slice some progressive bread and some progressive salami and make a nice progressive sandwich. > The huge monster > jumped on Asuka but she pierced the creature's eye with the knife. Rebecca [Asuka]: Hey monster… the eyes have it! Rick: Nice banter there. > The beast jumped back screaming. Dan [Monster]: Aaargh, you maka me bleed! > It got on 2 feet, ran to Asuka, and kicked her in the stomach. Rick: And she went ‘FART’ Tsuneo: …what was that? Rick [Shrugging]: No idea, but I’m gonna use it. > Asuka raised an AT Field and pushed the monster down using her AT. > She threw her progressive knife at the monster's chest and hit. She jumped > on it and pressed on the knife. Dan: Now that’s just being mean. > She took it out and started stabbing the monster. Rebecca: Asuka or Norman Bates? You be the judge. Tsuneo: Actually, the comparisons are interesting. > The Invador was dead. Rick: Died in a puddle of its own gore. > Shinji was right over the Nerv HQ and looked up. > He saw the Invador falling Dan: Like a giant space mutant Wile E. Coyote. > down right for him and caught it while it was falling towards the ground. > Shinji was holding looked like a lizard with spikes all over its body Rebecca: The Thorny Devil (Moloch horridus), an Australian lizard, also known as the Thorny Dragon, Mountain Devil, Thorny Lizard, or the Moloch. It is, in essence, a lizard with spikes all over its body. Tsuneo: You learn something new every day. > and > Shinji's Eva's hands were pierced by the spikes. Rick: That was smart. > Shinji threw it on the floor Tsuneo: Floor? Don't you mean street? Rebecca: Actually, no. They're fighting indoors. Tsuneo: Huh? > right away feeling the horrible pain in his hands. Rebecca: He was having flashbacks to End of Evangelion. Tsuneo: Which didn’t happen in this continuity, thank you. Rick: Work in comic books, and you realize that everything happens in every continuity sooner or later. > The beast started > running and jumped on Unit 01's chest piercing it. Dan: EVA-01 would later regret getting pierced nipples, describing them as the ‘dumbest thing I ever did.’ > Shinji fell down in pain. > His chest was hurting like hell. Rick [Shinji]: Shouldn’t have had… so much bacon… before the marathon… > The monster jumped again but was stopped > by the AT Field Shinji just raised. Tsuneo: AT Fields do not work like that! Good night! > Shinji took out his progressive ax and jumped on the monster ax's blade down. Rebecca: And scored a stupidly cheap ring-out. > The monster dodged the weapon and > jumped back on Shinji using its own AT Field to pierce Shinji's. The beast > made it but it's stomach was pierced by Shinji's progressive knife and got > thrown on the ground. Rebecca: That's the biggest haggis I've ever seen. Tsuneo: So its stomach was thrown on the ground? Or was it the knife? I'm confused. Rick: Yes! > The beast started running away from Shinji who > followed it. Suddenly, Eva 01 lost track of it. Dan: Lost track of it? How can you lose a friggin' sixty meter tall monster? Rick: Tippy-toes, remember? > Suddenly, something clawed Shinji in the back, > the Invador had jumped from a tree Tsuneo: A tree? Have they moved the fight to the Californian Redwood forests or something? Dan: Damn those spruce bark beetles! > to get Shinji. Eva > 01 put his hands back to reach the beast and threw it in front of Unit 01. > Shinji grabbed the beast by the throat > and twisted its neck to win the battle. Tsuneo [Deep]: Shinji wins. Fatality! > Tom was on at the east side of town and got between the 2 monsters. > He raised an AT Field right away. > He looked around and suddenly, two meteorites > hit the right and left of Tom making two craters. Rebecca: What are the odds! Tom should go out and get a lottery ticket right now! > The first creature had a > blue body of a human with the head of a rhinoceros Rick: Stupid Rhino Head! > with one horn on the > forehead, one on top of the head and one behind it. > The 2nd beast was a giant yellow snake with four legs. Rick: Then it wasn't much of a snake, was it? More of a gecko than anything else. Dan: I think that he probably just feels stupid saying ‘gecko’. Rick: Why? It’s a fun word. Gecko. Gecko gecko gecko. > Tom was taken on both sides. Rebecca: Tom Dyron and two Invadors in the sickest, most depraved threesome you’ve ever seen. Tsuneo: I think I’m gonna be sick. Rebecca: It’s an art. > The 1st > rushed on Tom and used its AT Field to pierce Tom's but failed and got > pushed down. Tsuneo: So how come whenever they try that on any of the other EVAs it works, but not on EVA-03? Rebecca: Don't you remember? Tom's EVA is infinitely superior to all the other EVAs too. Tsuneo: Yeah, I was trying to forget that. > The snake Rick: Gecko. > jumped and tried to bite Tom but got grabbed just > under the head. Tom started putting pressure on the neck. Dan [Tom]: I crush your head! > Suddenly, the 1st > beast spit out a huge ball of acid at Asuka who was coming to help Tom. The > acid hit Asuka's face who fell to the ground hurting like hell. Rebecca: And once again, the girls are rendered useless while Tom gets to do all the awesome cool stuff. I’d hoped that Asuka and Rei getting to fight Invadors earlier was a change for the better, but… clearly not. > Suddenly, Tom passed from a 200% synchro to a 325% Rick: So… you sure this is an Evangelion fic and not actually an episode of Gurren Lagann? Dan: I’m not sure any more. > and grabbed the snake by the head Rebecca: If you know what I mean. Tsuneo: I think I’m going to be sick again. > and by the tail. Tom pressed so hard that the snake's whole body blew up in > 4 pieces. Tsuneo: I’m beginning to get the idea that Invador bodies are packed with nothing but high-pressure squibs designed to explode in an ocean of fake gore under the slightest provocation. > The Eva 03 ran to the monster that hit Asuka and tackled it. He > pierced through the AT Field like butter and started pounding the monster's > chest. > Tom punched for about 1 minute Dan [Tom]: You are already dead > and pierced through the monster's chest. > "How the hell did Tom come from a 200% to 325%?" asked Misato. > "He got so pissed off, his anger made his synchro go up because of the will > to kill!" explained Ritsuko. Tsuneo: I… I’m not even… Yup, madness. > "Oh my god!!!" > Tom took the monster's heart out of its chest Rick: Tom Dyron and the Temple of Doom. > and put it between his hands. > The Eva 03 started pressing on it and blew up the monster's heart. Rick: SPPLORCH! > "That bastard got it!!!" yelled Tom. Rebecca: So in other words, Asuka exists as a plot device just to make Tom look more awesome. Got it. > Unit 03 rushed to Asuka. He took out Asuka's entry plug and put it on the > floor. Tsuneo: What, one little acid booger to her EVA's face and its history? They've survived much worse things. *Especially* Unit 02. Dan: How'd he get it out of Unit 02? With a giant can opener? > He ejected his entry plug and got out of it. He rushed to Asuka's > entry plug and broke through. Inside, he saw an unconscious Asuka. > He picked her up and got her out of the entry plug. Dan: Remember, this is the Asuka who kept going without her EVA's arms. > "Help!! We have a wounded here!!!" yelled Tom. Tsuneo: Wounded nothing. Just a little feedback. Rick [Tom]: Shut up, Asuka! You're critically wounded 'cause I said so! > A few minutes later, the Nerv came to pick up the Eva pilots and came back > to the HQ. They put Asuka to the Nerv Hospital right away. Tom waited in > front of Asuka's room. Shinji came a little later. Rebecca: -in an unexpected callback to End of Evangelion. Tsuneo: … Rick: Shinji hand! Tsuneo: … > "Whoa, Tom, you went psycho after Asuka got hit!" said Shinji. Tsuneo: Shinji hasn't seen that sort of madness since... Well, since he last did it. > "You damn right I did!"answered Tom, "I couldn't stand it, he hit someone > that wasn't in the battle! Tsuneo: Sure, why wouldn’t it fire at the giant running at it that had just killed its comrade? > Especialy a girl, I couldn't stand it I tell you!" Rebecca: There’s a line between ‘chivalric’ and ‘patronising’, and Tom is well, well over it. > "Yeah, you're right, well see ya soon!" said Shinji as he walked away to > see Rei. > Tom knew that what he had said was a lie, Tsuneo: Fic discussion; genuine attempt at introducing a character flaw, or just an excuse to show off how awesome Tom is? Rebecca: Show off. Dan: Show off. Rick: Show off Tsuneo: And that’s it for Fic discussion for this week. > he knew he went psycho because Rick: He hadn't done it so far and it was in his contract. Tsuneo: Otherwise Shinji would get some perfectly deserved attention. Dan: We should just make him a sign saying "I'm still the hero of this crummy show." > he loves Asuka. Rick: Eew. Rebecca: I think Tom's taken too many hits to the head. > Soon, Misato walked near Tom and said : Rebecca [Misato]: Where’s the booze? > "You really care about her, don't you?" > "Like you said when we met at the Nerv HQ the first time, Dan [Tom as Misato]: Who are you, creep and how did you get in here? > I always say what I think, and yeah, I really do care about Asuka." > "Looks like we got a new love here, don't we?" teased Misato. Dan: Has anyone asked Asuka about this? Rick: Nah, she'd still be pining after Kaji. Rebecca: Actually now that he's alive I'm surprised he can keep Asuka off him for five seconds. Tsuneo: Yes, but that takes her attention away from Tom so forget about that. > "You could put it like dat..." said Tom. Tsuneo: Dat? Is he Welsh? > "I really like your honesty, Tom!" finished Misato as she walked away. > "Wait, Misato!!" yelled Tom. > "What?" asked Misato. > "Is she gonna be okay?" Rebecca: Let's see... She's suffered a minor feedback shock that's she's been through about a million times by now. No, she's gonna die. Rick: Well, it depends on whether you mean okay, or okay for Asuka. > "Yeah, she is, don't worry." > Once Misato was gone, Tom walked in Asuka's hospital room, took a chair > and sat down right next to her. > He looked at her deeply hoping she was > O.K. Asuka opened her eyes and looked at Tom. Tsuneo [Asuka]: I hate this place. > "Where... Where am I?" Asuka asked. Tsuneo: Stuck in a crappy fanfic. > "You are in the Nerv Hospital." answered Tom. > "What happened?" Rebecca: Tom needed an excuse to show off, and since you’re a wussy girl, you got to take the fall. > "An Invador spit acid at your Eva's face Dan: The loogie of death! > and you fell in a short coma, > you were unconscious for a day... Dan: That was a very quick day. Rebecca: That was a very quick coma. > It could have been worse if we hadn't saved you." Tsuneo: Saved her? Saved her? Like hell, Tom! You're just making this up to make yourself look better. > "Who saved me?" Rick: International Rescue! > "You want the truth or the one that will make you happy?" > "The truth..." > "I saved you..." > "What would have been the happy save?" Rebecca: Bruce Campbell. Dan [Ash]: Gimme some Evangelion, baby. > "If Shinji had saved you..." > "If you say so..." Tsuneo: How in hell would that make her happy? The last thing she'd want is to be saved by Shinji. Again. > "Well, I'm gonna leave you some rest, Tsuneo [Tom]: Make sure you return it when you're done. > see ya as soon as you get better." > said Tom as he turned back. > "Wait..." > "Yes?" > "Thank you, Tom." Rebecca: It’s official. Asuka’s so past OOC it’s not even on the same page. > "You're welcome." finished Tom as he got out of the room. > Two days later, Asuka gets out of the hospital and comes back to Misato's > apartment. Tsuneo: Only to find it demolished by a sudden tense change. > Misato's apartment that same day, 10:30 P.M. Rick: Or nearest offer. > Asuka came back from the hospital > and is 100% O.K. Misato is out with Kaji as usual Tsuneo: Misato, just move in with him already. It's not like they'll miss you or anything. Dan: Since Kaji's popped up, wouldn't an awful lot of people be out to kill him? Rebecca: He got a special pardon for being dead. > and Tom made the dinner. Rick: It was the Sunday colour supplement. > The four Children sit down at the > table as Tom brings the food. Tom sat down the last. > "Listen, I've done a lot of thinking Rebecca: You can almost hear the gears grinding. > and I think we should all have a very honest talk for dinner." explained Tom. Dan [Asuka]: Really? I'd prefer food myself. Or even newspaper. > "What do you mean by a honest talk?" asked Asuka. Tsuneo: Well, it's when you talk and you're honest. > "I mean that we all live together and that if any of us has feelings for > someone else here should spit it out, get my meaning?" Rick: So… hock acid at each other like that Invador did. Got it. > "Yeah, that's clear!" said Shinji. > "So, since I brought up that idea, I'm gonna start." Tsuneo: A declaration of love this stirring hasn’t been seen since the MS-DOS 6.0 users manual. > "Okay, if you wanna..." said Asuka. > "I...okay, let's make this quick..." Tsuneo: And as clumsy and arbitrary as possible. > "Asuka... I love you..." Tom said having problems breathing. Dan: Because Asuka was suddenly choking him. > "You... You... You love me?" asked Asuka. Tsuneo [Asuka]: And here was me thinking you were just some weirdo stalker. > "Yeah, I love you..." Tom repeated. "Your turn Rei." Rick: Do we have to? > "O.K." Rei put her head down. "I'm really not good at this." She took a deep > breath and said clearly "I love you, Shinji..." Dan [Rei]: Any of you laugh or say a thing, you’re Tang. > Shinji almost spit what he was eating. Rick: And got the classifieds all over the table. > "You love me? Well, that's... cool 'cause... I love you too Rei!" Shinji > admitted. > "Well, we got ourselves a couple!" Tom said. "Asuka, your turn!" Rebecca: Everyone must be paired up! No exceptions! Rick: Misato and Zombie Kaji! Tsuneo: Gendo and Day-Release Ritsuko! Dan: Long-haired operator and token girl operator! Rebecca: Toji and Kensuke! Rick: And the kids at seats 13 and 15 in their class. > "Well, okay, I love you Tom..." admitted Asuka. Tsuneo: -with no conviction or depth whatsoever. Rebecca: And she’s known him... how long? I mean, this is kind of instant and all, coming after what seems to be only a couple of weeks at most. Rick: Usually a romantic arc is something long-term that needs to be worked towards with some build- up and establishment and giving them something in common or some big event that brings them together. This is the literary equivalent of a quick hook-up in a skeezy bar. > "Oh my god, this went better than expected, we have two couples now!!!" Dan: [Tom] It’s so outrageously convenient and contrived, I’m just going to choke to death! > Asuka and Tom suddenly got up and Asuka went in Tom's arms as he gave her a > long passionated kiss. Rick: Passionated Kiss, the new tropical fruit cocktail sensation. > Shinji got up, gave his hand to Rei, > got her up, > and kissed her. Rebecca: This is wrong on many, many levels, and illegal in more places than I care to name. > But suddenly, Tom heard the noise of something breaking. Tsuneo: Our suspension of disbelief? > "Silence you all, I heard something..." Rick: And in the silence that followed, there was a solitary giggle. > said Tom. > The 6th children slowly walked to the door. He heard the lock break and > he hid next to the door right away. He heard familiar voices. Four people > suddenly busted in. Tsuneo: And slammed the door in Tom’s face, sending his nose back into his brain and causing a fatal hemorrhage. The end. Rick: Bit dark there. Tsuneo: I’m just getting warmed up. > Those were the four that had attacked Tom in the beginning of the year. Rebecca: They sure took their time before getting revenge. Rick: They couldn't find the street address. > Tom jumped kicked one of them in the back of the neck knocking him out. Tsuneo: Hang on, this is in the little entrance hallway, right? Rick: Yup. Tsuneo: So where's he getting to room to jump-kick someone with four thugs crowded around him? Rick: Misato probably had it expanded when she put that new room in. > "What da?" said another one of them as Tom punched him in the face and > knocked his head against the wall. Rick [Camp]: Such violence! Oh my! > "You little asshole!" yelled the leader of the group. Tsuneo: …I think we’re actually agreeing with someone in this fic. Rick: Pretty much. Amazing. Tsuneo: Isn’t it just? > Tom elbowed one of the two left and knocked him Rebecca: -up. It was a complex arrangement. > out hitting the guy's face > on his knee. Tom took the leader's right arm and twisted it, Dan: With the power of the Chinese Burn! > he then > threw him out knocking his head against the hall's wall. > Tom then threw out the three of them > and put a note on the leader's right arm saying : Dan: Insufficient postage, return to sender. > "The next time you guys try, I kill every single one of ya!" Tsuneo: Fic discussion; attempt to build a subplot of an outsider’s struggle for acceptance in an insular and closed society and its resistance to him, or another excuse for Tom to show off and act like an arse? Rebecca: Arse. Dan: Arse. Rick: Arse. Tsuneo: And that’s it for Fic discussion for this week. > "Who were those guys, Tom?" asked Shinji impressed by Tom's fighting skills. > "The Quick Take Out Serive!" Tom answered as they all laughed. Rebecca [Shinji, strained]: Do it or he'll kill us all! > "Well, we better get some sleep, I'm tired as HELL." Tom said. > "Good idea!" responded Asuka. > And they all went to bed. Tsuneo: Yeah, that's smart. [Tom] I've humiliated a gang whose out for my blood and dumped them outside my door with a broken lock, so we're all going to sleep without reporting it or anything. > "Tom... do you think we'll be able to detsroy all the Invadors?" asked Asuka. Rebecca: In another [sighs] ten or so chapters. Rick: Destroy all Invadors! > "Only time will tell..." answered Tom. Before going to bed, Tom kissed Asuka > passionately. In his corner, Shinji Dan: Was digging an escape tunnel. Rick [Shinji]: I've gotta run away, I've gotta run away... Tsuneo: ... > was kissing Rei. Then, they all went to sleep. Rick: SNOOZE! > When Tom woke up the next day, Rick: He was naked and bound to a keep left sign outside town. Dan: And Misato was driving nearby. > Asuka had her head on his chest and her > right arm around Tsuneo: -his neck. Rick: Dark. Tsuneo: But appropriate Rick: Also true! > him. Tom ran his fingers through her hair and kissed her > forehead. Asuka woke up. > "Hey Romeo." Asuka said. Tsuneo: Does that mean he's going to kill himself? Please? > "Hey babe!" responded Tom as he kissed her softly on the lips. The 6th > children looked at his right and saw Rei on a sleeping Shinji. Rebecca [Tom]: Did they… oh, yuck! That’s so many levels of wrong. > Tom then yelled : Dan: Chinese fire drill! > "Hey, the shy lovers, wake up!!!!" > Shinji and Rei woke up suddenly. > "Sir yes sir, private Ikari reporting, sir!" yelled Shinji. Dan: One man is behind enemy lines, and they must go through the Invador forces to rescue him. Coming this summer: Saving Private Ikari. > Tom, Asuka and Rei laughed. [They all laugh weakly.] > "Yeah, and your general says get your sleepy ass down here > and eat breakfast before I whoop your ass and order you to drop > and gimme Rebecca [Shinji]: What, here? In front of the girls? > 20!!!!" answered Tom. Asuka, Rei and Shinji fell over laughing. Tsuneo: I don't get it. Rick: Observational humour. > They got down to the kitchen and Tom fixed something quick to eat. Rick: And it was freshly printed, too. Tsuneo: Okay, enough with the newspaper already. Rick: But it’s more fun than thinking about the fic. > When the four Children were done, they sat on the couch and watched the WWF. Dan: The twenty-four hour Panda network. > Two hours later, Nerv HQ > Misato and Ritsuko are sitting in front of a computer. Rick: Why did Ritsuko splash out on a Microbee? Tsuneo: She needed a new ant farm. Rick: Gotcha. > "There's something missing in Tom's file, about his father..." said Ritsuko. > "What do you think it is?" asked Misato. Dan: An orange whirly thing in space! > "I have a feeling I knew Tom's father..." > "You sure?" > "Almost..." Tsuneo: From a certain point of view. > About an hour later... Rebecca [Misato]: You really need more RAM on that thing. Rick [Ritsuko]: But 640k is enough for everybody! > "I think I found something." Dan: Harold Holt! > Finaly said Ritsuko. > "What is it?" Tsuneo: The plot? > "Here, read this :" Rick [Tilts head]: Mistato is a drunken fl – oh, come on, that’s just mean. > Misato read the file : > Name : Dan Dyron [They all glare at Dan.] Dan: What? What? Rick: Maybe that's his great secret. Dan: It ain't! Rebecca: Father of Tom Dyron. Tsuneo: Nothing to be proud of. Dan: Look, that is not my brat! Rebecca: As opposed to what, other brats you’ve fathered? > Job : Lead scientist and Eva-03 test pilot at Nerv. > Date of birth : 06/29/1972 Died : 11/07/2013 shot two times in the chest. Tsuneo: Umm... No siree. Firstly, Ritsuko was Nerv's chief scientist, secondly if he was a Nerv scientist then Ritsuko would most certainly know him and finally, how could he test pilot EVA-03 since it wasn't even constructed until after Sachiel appeared and wasn't completed until episode 17, whereas he died two years before the show began? Rebecca: Madness? Tsuneo: Thank you, I think I’ll have a double. > "So Tom's father worked for the Nerv?"Misato asked. > "I knew it! I remember now! He came to replace my mother after she killed > herself, he became main programmer and scientist. Rick: [Ritsuko] And all this time, I thought I did that. How stupid of me. Rebecca: So, being Nerv's chief scientist, does that mean he slept with Gendo? Tsuneo [Hits Rebecca with a cushion]: Don't go there. Rebecca: Why? Gendo did [Tsuneo hits her again] Totally worth it! > He put the last tests on the Evas 00 and 01. [They all cough loudly] > But before he went back to the US, > he found out the true > intentions of the Seele, Tsuneo: Their plot was to randomly and inappropriately insert the word “the” before proper nouns. Rick: The fiends. > he was a great hacker, now you understand Tom's > talent with computers, Dan: I didn’t know that hacking was hereditary. Rebecca: It’s like baldness; men get it from their kids. > and Dan hacked through the Seele's files and found > out what they wanted, Rebecca: To unleash the marketing power of the Evangelion. Rick: Wow, he's almost as godly as his brat. > they wanted to control the 3rd Impact and rule the planet, Tsuneo: Not to burst your bubble, but there wouldn't be much left to rule. Rick: They’d be the kings of all Tang. > he came back to the U.S.A. to warn the government. > He also tested > the Eva-03 just when it was finished to be built, in 2013. Tsuneo: See my earlier rant. > The Seele paid > a few hitmen to get rid of him and kill every witness. Rebecca: Outsourcing of the future! > They killed Tom's dad, > his friends and almost got Tom." Dan: So that would be that "Jeff" guy Tom was on about. Rebecca: There's the plot, folks. Rick: And Tom's still alive all these years later? What kind of a lame-assed omnipotent conspiracy is this anyhow? > "Tom's story is sadder than I thought." Tsuneo: Compared to what? The people you hang around every day? > "Yeah, I know..." > "Damn, poor kid, and what about his mom?" > "Read this..." Rick [Tilts head]: Kick me? Now that’s just immature. > Misato starts reading the new file : > Name : Audrey Dyron Job : none > Date of Birth : 10/08/1974 Died : 07/04/2006 in the Big One Dan: The Big Green Thing. > "Oh my god... he told us about his life since he came to Japan, but he didn't > tell us about his mom..." Rick: Isn’t it a prerequisite of an Evangelion pilot to have no mum? Tsuneo: Trust me, Ritsuko would know. > "Wait, his older brother Joe died in the Big One too, that kid has no family, > his dad's brother got shot along with the father. Tom doesn't know what having > a family's like." Ritsuko said. Tsuneo: Um, Ritsuko? His dad stuffed it when he was thirteen. I think he can remember back then. Dan [Misato]: So what, his family's dysfunctional and his parents are dead. Join the club. > "Damn, and he finds a way to be honest all the time and to keep his head up, > I dont know how..." > "INVADOR ALERT INVADOR ALERT INVADOR ALERT!!!!" Dan: Not again! Twice in one chapter? > "Damnit, another one of those..." Dan: But… I just… damn it! > "Correction, another 3 of those!" corrected Ritsuko. Rick: Three for the price of one Invador sale! That’s right, buy one enigmatic alien entity and get the other two free! > "I'm calling the children." Rebecca: Who you gonna call? > Misato pick up the phone. > "Hello?" > "Asuka? Dan: Actually it’s Ryoko Subaru, but close enough. > You guys hurry up! 3 Invadors have been detected, you better > hurry, you guys have...(Misato looks at Ritsuko's sign) Rebecca [Misato]: Steal home? What the hell? > you have 20 minutes > to get here, they're gonna hit the sea, you all are going swimming!" > "O.K. We're coming very soon Tsuneo: Going to send a car this time? Spring for a cab? Bicycle? Not wanting to risk the fate of the world on the Children making it in on their own? > (Asuka in a distant voice)You guys, get ready, > we gotta be at Nerv HQ in 20 minutes!! > (Asuka back on the phone)Message given, we're comin'! Rick: …when did we switch to script format? Dan: When the big screen turned on. > "Good, see ya at the Nerv." > "Bye!" > Misato hang up. Rebecca: I made a joke about Asuka’s mother already, right? Tsuneo: Yes. Rebecca: And the fic repeating itself is no excuse, right? Tsuneo: Exactly. > 15 minutes later. Shinji, Asuka, Rei and Tom get in the room. > "Hey Children, here's the thing, 1 of them is hitting the sea, Tom's gonna > get it, Rick: Say, what sort of lure do you need to catch an Invador anyway? > Shinji, Asuka and Rei, you take care of the 2 others." explained Misato. > "Hai!" > "CITY UNERGROUND CITY UNDERGROUND!!!" > The Children put on their entry plug , All: Huh? Rick: So they're wearing their entry plugs? Dan: From the looks of things... Yeah. Tsuneo: His grasp of English is fading fast. > Rei and Shinji and Tom and Asuka shared a last kiss. Rebecca: All at once? I knew Tom and Shinji were buddies, but this is ridiculous. > Tom's Eva was tranfered in a plane with Tom inside. Dan: There was a baggage handlers strike and Tom was left on the tarmac. > Rei, Shinji and Asuka were ready at the Impact point. > Impact made in the sea. Tsuneo: This fic makes my head hurt. I just need to say that. > The > plane with Tom inside got over the Invador's location. Eva dropped. 5:00 of > power left. Tsuneo: I thought his EVA had an S2 organ? Rick: Don't you remember? For some unknown reason, it only kicks in at a 300% or more ratio. Tsuneo: Which Tom has already surpassed. Rick: Natch. Tsuneo: Not to mention that when Shinji fought Kaoru, EVA-01 was on unlimited power so I don't see why EVA-03 would be any different. > Eva 03 started swimming and found the Invador. This time, it had > the face of a shark(but it's green), > the body of a snake and a spiked tail. Rebecca: The technical term is a Thagomzier. > It was about 2 times bigger than Tom's Eva. Rick: Oh yeah? You should've seen the one that got away. > Tom suddenly swam over the Invador, Tsuneo: To his embarrassment, Tom leaped in too early and was disqualified. Rick: And thus Eric “The Eel” Moussambani won the qualifier and set the Equatorial Guinea record for the hundred meters freestyle. > took out his progressive lance and dove down lance's blade down. Dan: Extreme spearfishing! Which… is pretty extreme already. > Tom hit the Invador right on the back. Tsuneo [Gruff]: Hey kid, look, just cut that out okay? Just… go way and leave me alone. > The Invador suddenly swam up and > jumped to get out of the water. Tsuneo: Wait, is the shark jumping the fic? Rebecca: I think so. > Tom lost balance and fell in the water. Rick [Little Jim]: He’s fallen in the water. > The monster swam after Unit 03 and bites his right leg off. Tsuneo: Dashed around the house and buried it in the back yard. > Tom suddenly > felt a terrible pain but continued swimming. Dan [Tom]: Aaaargh! Okay, I’m done. > He swam up the back, took > his lance and put it in the Invador's mouth. > The creature bit the Lance and got his mouth pierced. Rick: This would look so good in stop motion. But it would need skeletons. Tsuneo: They wouldn’t fit the scene… but then, stop motion skeletons do make things better. Rick: They do. > Tom made the Invador open its mouth in pain, > took a grenade and threw it inside. Tsuneo: “Throw a grenade in its mouth” is his answer to everything. One day he’ll meet something without a mouth and won’t know what he’ll do. Rebecca: He could try inserting it rectally. Tsuneo: Thank you. Rick: Do Invadors even have arses to- Tsuneo: THANK YOU! > 1:45 seconds left. Rick: And Eric is still swimming! > The monster's insides exploded, but it was still alive, Dan: The original script for this chapter had the Invador thrash around in the ocean till it died, but the director thought that wasn’t exciting enough. > the monster jumped to eat Tom's > Eva, but Eva 03 took out its progressive knife, swam over the Invador's > face > and stabbed it between both eyes killing the beast. Tsuneo: Wait, so having a grenade detonate inside of it doesn’t kill it, but being stabbed in the face does? How does that work? Rick: It still had one HP left. > Tom swam up making a sign to the plane to pick him up. Rebecca: Raised middle finger? So mature. > Eva 03 picked up Rick: It showed off its amputated leg at the bar. The chicks go wild for that. > at 0:15 seconds left of power. > During this time, in Tokyo-3, Impact made by 2 specimens. Impacts made > around the Evas. 1st creature found. Tsuneo: …my head is hurting again. Dan: I’m a semi-literate hick and even I know that’s wrong. > "What da hell? The other creature disappeared!" Misato yelled. > "No more AT detected, no more anything! It's gone!" Ritsuko said, "Damnit!" Rebecca: Damn buggy stealth mechanics. > The creature had the body of a human, except that his top was much more > bigger and muscular, his face looked like a flat frog's face with glowing > yellow eyes. Rick: It dwelled on a mountain in Canada and was hit by continual nerfs. Dan: Moderately obscure. Ten points. > The arms of the creature were long and all its fingers, 3 on > each hand, Rebecca: See? Three fingers. > had huge nails. > The creature jumped on Rei nails first but was > stopped by her AT Field. The 3 Evas got no trouble getting rid of that one > as they pounded it until Shinji stabbed it in the heart and finished it off. Dan: Wow! That was... Rick: Pointless, we know. Tsuneo: Looks like his amazing scene cuts have finally made it to the fights. Dan: It was barely worth describing the thing. Rebecca: But the random part-mashes are the best part of the Invador fights. Tsuneo: Sadly true. > The Evas were put back at Nerv HQ, the Children got out and met Tom there. > "I watched the whole battle..." Tom said, "and I figured something out..." Rebecca [Tom]: North means up! > "What?" asked Ritsuko, Misato and the 3 Children. > "There really was a second creature, > and I would bet it was carrying > others with it, probably like a queen. Tsuneo: And you reached this conclusion… how? Rick: He leaped at it. Tsuneo: Yeah, Tom? Leave the pseudoscience to the professionals. > The other one was a suicide, and > used its AT to cover the other one's, then he attacked you guys to make a > diversion." > "I think Tom has a point..." said Ritsuko, Dan: I think Tom’s a raging idiot. Rebecca: Takes one to know one. Dan: Damn – hey! > "We analysed every Invador's > trajectory, and they all came from the same place, Rick: Wagga Wagga. Dan: Why there? Rick: It’s fun to say. > we're trying to detect it, we'll have the results in a few months..." Rick: If you know they all came from, then why do you need to figure where it is? Dan: She’s trying to milk the grant budget. > That evening, everyone was back at Misato's. Tsuneo: …though there’s some sort of invisible monster on the loose still. I think. Actually it’s hard to tell. Rebecca: In the Deltaverse, Evangelion pilot seems to be a casual job. Wake up, get called to fight an Invador, kill it and go back home in time for dinner and beer. > The four Children and Misato herself. > They all went to sleep early that day because of the tough day. Rick: It wasn’t the steamroller monster fights that did them in, but doing their tax returns afterwards. > Before going to bed, Tom kissed Asuka passionately before going to sleep. > Asuka put her hand over Tom's body and > put her head on his chest to go to sleep. Rebecca [Asuka]: I’ll smother him in his sleep. That’ll fix everything. > Tom looked at his right and saw that Rei was doing the same thing on > Shinji. The 3rd Children took a look at his left and saw Tom looking at him, Tsuneo [Tom]: Hey, bro. Rick [Shinji]: Back at ya. > they both looked at their girls, then smiled. After that, they both slept Rebecca: -together. > along with Asuka and Rei. > End of Genesis 0:16 The screen switched off, bringing the four of them back to prose, with them slumped on the couch with a look that approached defeat. “That… hurt.” Tsuneo finally spoke up. “I mean it was the longest chapter yet but there was no… actual… anything, really. Just a lot of padding, resulting in a whole chapter of it” “Gotta agree there.” Rebecca nodded. “Two Invador fights and some terrible character building but nothing actually happened.” She shook her head. “And even then, the Invador fights were lacking even by Delta’s ‘amazing’ standards.” “Normally the fights are so bad you want them to end so you get to anything else.” Rick continued. “But this time round, we get to the so-called characterization and backstory exposition, and it’s so bad you want a fight to start.” “And it wasn’t even like the fights were any good, even by Delta’s standards.” Dan finished. “In fact, the last one reads like he ran out of puff and just went ‘screw it, they fought the Invadors and won’. It’s not just crap, its lazy crap.” “Thanks for that.” The Voice spoke up. “As always, I’ll collect your commentary and submit it for review. That was great material.” “Bought at great suffering.” Rick finished as he stood. “You know, I’d still rather be listening to Dan’s story.” “And it’s just the first of… lots.” He excitedly added. “I got lots more where that came from” “So how’s about this.” Rebecca offered. “We head down to Tharonjas, get a mountain of Bacon and Dan tells us a few.” “You want to hear them?” Dan and Tsuneo replied pretty much at the same time. “Beats Delta.” She shrugged. “Point.” Dan conceded. “Let’s go then. You’re gonna love the next one; it’s about when I found a secret subterranean complex ruled by an evil computer disguised as a giant fake brain…” ----- Author’s notes: DELTA 3 was one of those ones where we earnestly couldn’t remember what happened. The answer, apparently, is a whole lot of nothing. It is an important chapter in so far as it’s where the arbitrary pairings are made official, which might explain why I don’t remember it – I don’t want to. Evangelion created by Gainax Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion created by “Tom Dyron”. You know who you are. Thanks for the laughs! Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis created by Rick R. (natch) Tsuneo Tateao and Dan created by Zogster Questions? Comments? Complaints? Shock and/or terror? Email us at elmerstudios00 (at) gmail.com and register your Jeff. Elmer Studios! http://www.heavens-feel.com/elmer/ All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and other stuff in one spot ----- > As usual, Tom cooked and read the newspaper.