Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Me again. It's been a long time, but the next episode of Mystery Ruins Theatre is here... And trust me, it's a doozy. "Robotech: Sentinels Rubicon" is copyright Antarctic Press Robotech is copyright Revell/Harmony Gold ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In the not to distant future, 2135 AD. The nasty Louisa Chang Was hatching an evil scheme. She targeted a girl named Sandra, The Earth President who ran the place. She had a roll for her to fill, So she bopped her on the head and shot her into space! [Louisa singing now] I'll send her crappy comics, The worst that I can find, [La La La] I'll force her to watch them all, And she'll go out of their minds! [La la la] [Original singers] Now keep in mind she can't control when the comic begins or ends. So she'll have to sit and riff them all, with the help of her redneck friends. RUINS ROLL CALL! Sandra! (The Pres!) Matt! (Don't mind me!) Sean! (I'm the best!) Kara! (I'm the cute one!) If you're wondering how they eat and breath, And other science facts. Repeat to yourself "It's just a MSTing" "I really should relax!" For Mystery Ruins Theatre 3000! The Satellite of Rednecks, 11:42 am. "Morning" Sandra chirped as she walked onto the SoR's bridge, a steaming cup of coffee in her hand. "Morning?" Matt asked as he looked up from his newspaper. "It's nearly twelve and time for the Mads to call us" "Yeah" Kara added, walking in, a wrench in hand. "Where've you been, anyway? Sean and I did an all-nighter getting the invention ready for the exchange" "I'll bet" Matt muttered. "Hey!" Kara replied. "So where were you?" "Asleep" Sandra replied. "Asleep?" "Yeah. I'm the president of the Earth. It's not a job which normally entitles me to much sleep" She replied. "However, since there's no real work for me to do here on the SoR, I decided to put in a few more hours in the morning." "You what?" "Sleep in. You should try it some time" "Well, some of us have been hard at work on the Invention for the exchange" Kara replied. "I didn't see you do much work on it!" "Besides designing it?" "Well, besides that" Kara sulkily replied. "Hey, what's going on in here?" Sean asked, doing up the front of his shirt as he entered. Sandra grinned smugly. Kara sulked. Matt sipped his tea and tuned the page in his newspaper. "Oh, hi there, Sandra." "Hey there" Sandra answered. "How's things going with the invention?" "Oh that thing?" Sean answered. "We finished it ages ago, right, Kara?" Kara remained silent. "What'd I say?" He asked defensively. "Look, guys, there's no point in arguing" Matt said, putting down his paper. "I know you're tense before the Mads call us; any sane person would be. But we've got the invention finished and we've got fifteen minutes to spare before they call us. So take a seat and grab some tea" "And besides which, I've figured that the worst things that the Mads could send us have already been and gone" Sandra added. "How so?" Kara asked as she took a seat. "It's Louisa's brand of evil." Sandra replied. "She's too inept to send us the worst she can. Otherwise she would have done it by now" "This is the woman who tried to nuke Empire City we're talking about" Sean replied. "Well, there is that. But she probably wouldn't have thought of it on her own" Matt answered. "This is true. So don't worry about it" Sandra finished. "We go in there, poke fun at the comic and leave. It's easy" "I suppose, but..." Kara stated, but was cut off by the beeping that accompanied the Mads Light, "Well that's odd" Sandra noted. "They don't normally call us for a few more minutes. Could someone get that?" "I might as well do it" Kara said, angrily. "No-one else here seems to want to lift a finger to do anything anyway" She stormed over to the console, and pressed the big red button. After the normal few seconds of static, the image on the screen cleared to revel CABAAL, rather than Louisa and Carla. Furthermore, CABAAL seemed to have changed. Whereas up until now he had appeared as a pair of orange-tinted eyes and a vague semblance of a nose and mouth, he now appeared as a blue- coloured hairless head, floating on a black background. "Er... Hi CABAAL." Kara began. "Um... nice to see you" "Indeed" CABAAL replied, flatly. "There any reason why you are calling us rather than Louisa?" Sandra asked. "Carla and Louisa are somewhat... indisposed at the moment", CABAAL replied, a hint of smugness creeping into his voice. "How so?" Sean asked. "Do you really want to know that?" Matt inquired. "That depends on if the head has pictures" Sean replied, trying to ignore the look Kara was shooting him. "Indeed I do" CABAAL replied as a picture of the Mads appeared in a corner of the screen. The two of them were bound and gagged in the control room of Montauk 13, three nasty looking cyborgs and the Deus Ex Machine in the background. "Ah" Sandra commented. "There has been a change of management in Montauk 13" CABAAL stated, sounding somewhat smug and superior. "The sloppy, inefficient and impractical reign of those two has been replaced with a far superior system; myself" "This doesn't sound good" Matt replied. "When artificial intelligence computers run amok and take things over is it ever good?" Sean asked. "Point taken" Matt answered. "So I take it then we're not having an experiment today, or ever again, right?" Sandra asked, sounding somewhat hopeful. "Negative" CABAAL answered. "The experiments will continue. And unlike these sloppy carbon-based lifeforms, I intend to achieve success. You will not have to face weak books like the ones you have seen before." "Okay, that's bad." Sandra noted. "How about the Invention exchange?" Kara asked. "The Invention exchange is inefficient and wastes time, and has been abolished in the new order" CABAAL flatly answered. "Damn" Kara muttered, walking off with a device that looked for all the world like an over-sized Swiss army knife with suction cup, carrot on a stick and umbrella options. "I Put so much work into this thing" "An experiment is at hand, humans. Consider it the overture to my symphony. A symphony of terror" CABAAL continued, taking on an unerringly superior tone. "For today you face the terror that is Antarctic Press' 'Sentinels: Rubicon'. Today is the end of your existences" There was a shocked silence. "He didn't say that" Matt stated. "Please tell me he didn't say that." "Sentinels Rubicon..." Sandra muttered in awe. "A name mentioned only in the most reverent tones... a name that has spread much terror and fear across the word." She paused. "This is it, This is the worst we can ever face" "We must be brave." Kara said, sternly. "We must be resolute." Sean added. "We must be merciless." Matt finished. "Your primitive displays of terror are amusing to me." CABAAL observed. "But we have no time to waste. The experiment is on. Your lives as you know them are over. Welcome to the dawning of my digital empire" he finished, before breaking into a somewhat maniacal laugh, accompanied by the sirens and lights of the comic book sign, "This is it folks. No turning back now!" Sandra yelled as the four of them ran for the theatre. [Door 5 - It's one of the doors from the Death Star. It whooshes up and you proceed.] [Door 4 - It's a revolving door. You go around several times then proceed.] [Door 3 - It's a double wooden door with wrought-iron edging set in stonework. It creaks open and you proceed] [Door 2 - It's a rolling garage door. You force it open and proceed] [Door 1 - It's a vault door. You swing it open and proceed] [Sandra walks in and sits down on the far left. Sean sits next to her, and Kara next to him. Matt sits down on the right] Sandra: About the only good thing I can think to say is that this is the worst that we'll ever face. Matt: That's not very encouraging. > [Pilot in cockpit] Sean: Well, it's the first panel and I'm lost. > Pilot: ...We've completed our long-range scan of the area. Everything's > negative. Sandra: OK, that's a set-up. Whenever a patrol fails to locate anyhting it means they're about to be jumped. > Voice: Affirmative. Head back home, AV-5. Kara [Voice]: And on the way, could you pick us up some milk? We're all out here. > [Fighter seen from cockpit of another fighter] Sandra: You know, they're FLYING AWFULLY CLOSE! Matt: Hmm... I'm gonna guess that these two guys aren't even gonna be deserving of names, so we shouldn't bother. Sean: I'm gonna call them Expendable one and two. Kara: Don't get attached to them. > Pilot: Roger-Rini! Kara: Saying things like that on a military channel should be a court martial offence. > Looks like the weekend starts early! I really need a belter! Sandra: A Belter? Does he enjoy getting beat up or something? > [Fighter in space] Matt: Hmm... It's a badly-drawn Alpha with forward-sweep wings. I guess that's our compulsory "cool new mecha" for this story. > Pilot: Yeah, I could go for a beer myself-- Kara: Me too! Could ya lend us one down here? > [Cockpit] > Pilot: Waitaminit. I'm picking up an energy surge. All: You're dead. > [Pilot with speed lines] > Pilot: It's coming in from port and starboard! Sandra: So it's only coming in from the sides, or is it coming in from all around you? > [Fighter in space, bright light] Matt: That light's only coming in from starbord. Sean: Hey be nice to the poor guy. He's cross-eyed. > SFX: RREEEEEEEEE! > Pilot: That light! What's going on? Kara: You're in a badly-drawn comic with computer toning. > [Pilot in DYRL flightsuit in cockpit] Kara: Does a DYRL flightsuit count under the general category of "DYRL Designs" for the drinking game? Sean: Yep. Kara: Cool. > SFX: EEEEEEEEEEEEE > Pilot: What is this? Sandra: It's a bright light going "Eeeee". I wish we could give you some help, but we're just as lost. Matt: Where's the sound coming from? Is it in his head or something, because it can't be coming from the outside. > It's all around us! Sean: So it's not just to the sides then? > Can't pinpoint the source-- Sandra: Going on that earlier panel, it's to your right. Of course, that probably doesn't help any. > [Fighter exploding] Kara: Well that lasted. Sean: They need to glue those things together better. > SFX: EEEEEEEEEEEEE Matt: Could someone kill that sound effect? It's giving me a headache. > Pilot: Aah! I'm being torn apart! Aw crud! I'm losing control! Sandra: So you only lost control after being torn apart? He's a good pilot. Kara: Soon to be a dead one. > AV-5 to base! AV-5 to base! > [Pilot enveloped in light] Sean: But is he sleeping in it? Sandra: Hey, don't knock the good stuff. > SFX: EEEEEEEEEEEEE-- Matt: Thank you. Sandra: All better? Matt: I need an asprin. My ears are ringing. > Pilot: We're under attack-- Kara: Oh, so now he reaches that conclusion. Sean: Oh come on. I'm sure that there's lots of natural space phenomenon that produce a bright light, destroy fighters and make a high-pitched "eeeeee" noise. Matt: Yeah, but the Enterprise has run across all of them. > [Bright white light] Sandra: It's... a polar bear in a blizzard! Sean: Maybe someone needs to turn down the brightness in this panel. > Voice 1: "Mother? Is there anything wrong?" Kara: We're only two pages in, so it's kind of hard to tell. Matt: Damn. My ears are still ringing. > Voice 2: "I'm not sure..." Sandra: If anyone can actually tell us what's going on here, please let us know. > [Stars] Matt: My god... it's full of stars. > Voice 1: "It's nothing to worry about. Sean [Panicky]: Don't panic! You hear me, don't panic! > At least you're safe." Kara: Pity the same can't be said for us. Sean: Safe as a freelancer at Marvel. > Voice 2: "Contact me when you finish your journey" Sandra: Hoping for a pick-up at the airport? Matt: Well, it's that or use the rail link. Sandra: Point. > Voice 1: "Okay..." Kara [Voice 1]: Yes mum. Sandra [Voice 2]: Have you brushed your teeth? Kara [Voice 1]: Yes mum. Sandra [Voice 2]: Are you wearing clean underwear? Kara [Voice 1]: *Yes* mum. > [Two hands around a glowing sphere] All: Umm... Sandra: Well, you've completely lost us now. > Voice 1: "Good-bye, mother." Sean [Hick]: Y'all come back now, y'hear? Sandra: "Good-bye mother?" It's Caddy! We're back in Aftermath 13 again! Kara: Everyone, prepare for... nothing! > [SDF-3 and Horizont in space] Sandra: We looked for it in Earth orbit and it was on page three. Those SDFs turn up in the strangest places. > Voice [V/O]: "It is November 2046. A year has passed since Reflex point." Sandra: Oh my. Sean: So... the battle of the Reflex Point was in 2045? No way. Matt: Um... Sandra? You okay? Sandra: The Writer is using the Peter Walker Robotech timeline for comic. This is going to go down very hard. > "My mission was completed months ago, Matt: So... The SDF-3 was found rather easily? Sandra: Stuff The Oddesy! Stuff End of the Circle! The SDF-3's just there, OK? > and once again I've come back to the planet of my birth" Kara: Ork? > A sort of homecoming: prologue. Sean: A sort of title. We think. > Story: Alan Nepcomunceno Kara: Well he's done a lot so far. > Pencils: Vithoon Kamchareon Sean: A proud graduate of the Mr Squiggle school of fine art. > Inks: Michel Lacombe Sandra: When in doubt, blame the inker. > Toning: Ben Dunn Matt: I figured Ben wound get his paws into this somehow. > Proofing and Editing: Doug Dlin Sandra: Hey look, the cover art wasn't credited. > [Horizont nose] Sean: Someone was very cruel to that Horizont. > Voice [V/O]: This time I didn't come alone. Kara: Oh great. He bought his in-laws. > [Ship bridge] Matt: Um... what sort of ship's bridge is that meant to be? There's all this crap lying around... It doesn't look like any sort of Robotech ship I've seen. Sandra: This one was bought second hand from the Planet of Junk. > Tech: Fold completed, sir. > Captain: Good. Inform the REF that we've arrived so they can take this ship > off our hands. Matt: And... which ship is this? Sandra: Well... the close up would indicate that this is the Horizont, except it's nothing like a Horizont's bridge... And it's certainly not the SDF-3's bridge either... Sean: Um...why are they handing it back to the REF? Wouldn't these be REF crew? Sandra: Assuming that the voice-over is from Scott Bernard, since he's the one who was searching for the SDF-3, then yes. > [Bridge, technician in foreground] Sandra: Good grief! Look at al this crap! Don't you people ever clean up this bridge? Sean: I'm getting the feeling that the artist hasn't seen what the insides of ships in the Robotech universe look like. > Captain: It's evening here, so I think the REF won't mind showing our friends > around for the weekend. Kara: So the REF takes weekends off? I wanna work for that army instead. > Tech: Good idea, sir. > [Man with coffee cup floating past] > Man: Not again! I ordered can, not cup! Sean: Ahh... can, cup... close enough. Matt: And anyone who's dumb enough to mistake the two deserves to get zero-gee coffee all over them. > [Bridge, with Tech and captain floating around] Sandra: Guess these people don't believe in strapping them selves in during zero-gravity conditions... Kara: Any reason why the captain's upside down? Sean: Because of his high center of gravity. Look at how big his head is. Kara: That makes sense. Not. > Tech: I must admit, this little malfunction's made the trip very amusing! Sean: Oh yeah, there's nothing more fun than having everything that's not strapped down float around aimlessly. Matt: Kind of like Horace Hogan. > Captain: Whatever! Just gimme a straw, Meg. Sandra: Hot coffee through a straw. Now that's living. > [Marlene entering through a hatch] Matt: You know, I always wondered where she was in Aftermath. Turns out she was on a badly-drawn shuttle all along. > Marlene: Hi, Scott! I heard we're finally-- > [Marlene with saucer floating past] Sean: I want to believe... that those saucepan lids could be convincing. > [Saucer floating in the air] [All hum "Close Encounters" theme. > Marlene: Eeek! A UFO! Kara: So let me get this straight... An alien girl who has spent he whole life around transforming fighters and motorbikes while being chased by Invid and Rand would be freaked out by a floating coffee saucer. Sean: It's the little things that get you. > Scott: It's coffee, Ariel! Matt: Actually, it's a saucer. You should be able to tell the difference. > [Marlene and Scott (?) floating around bridge] Sean: So... Is it Scott or not? Sandra: We'll go with yes. Kara: Heh. Scotty Or Notty. Matt: Don't do that. > Marlene: It's scalding the air and I've just washed this shirt! Keep > it away! > Scott: Hang on, I'll get that! Sean [Scott]: It's probably for me anyway. > [Meg floating over console] Sandra: You know, you guys wouldn't go flying all over the place if you just sat still. You don't go flying everywhere in Zero gravity if you don't move. I wish people would figure that out. > Meg: Message coming in, sir. Kara [Meg]: Apparently we can EARN BIG BUKS FROM HOME, sir. > [Pilot on screen] Matt: Is that meant to be Lancer? He's got long hair and a headband... > Pilot: Hey, St. Bernard! Long time, no hear! Sandra: "St. Bernard"? Kill him for that, Scott. I would. > Scott: Oh, hi there. Matt: Get the feeling we've found our person to hate for this comic? > Pilot: Looks like you had some small problems! Sean [Scott]: Not so much that you'd notice, no. > [Scott, Marlene and Meg floating around console] Kara: Maybe they should just all grab onto the floor for the time being or something... > Scott: Yeah, pretty small. Matt: There's no gravity, everything not nailed down is flying loose all over the ship, and he's just been insulted. Nothing to worry about. > Marlene: H-hi! > Meg: Hmph! Kara: You tell him! Don't it there and take it quietly! Mutter some grumpy indignation. > Pilot [V/O]: Well, Scott, I'm in low orbit now, Sean [Pilot]: The view from up here is incredible. I can see the Cubs loosing from here. > so I'll catch you on the ground-- Kara: Whatever. Just go away and find someone else to bug. Preferably a Karbarran. > [Close up on Scott] > Scott: No, wait, JC! Matt: It's JC then... So he's not Lancer. The mistake is understandable. > [Room with lots of pipes and stuff, several people asleep on the floor] Sandra: What's with all the pipes? Are these guys taking a nap in the ship's water tanks or something? > Scott [V/O]: "Come over and dock. I have an idea..." Sean [JC]: Yeah, but where are we going to get a live chicken and a Rabbi at this time of night? > Man: Right... 'Night Sera. > Sera: Goodnight, honeybun... Matt: That's probably Lancer then. Sean: Sure you don't want to bet either way? > [Lancer sitting up] Kara: Whoah... look at the freaky way his hair stands up. Matt: See? Long hair and a headband. He looks just like that JC guy. > Voice: All right! Rise and shine, you two! Sandra: Breakfast's ready and the plot can't wait ang longer. Kara: There's a plot? > Lancer: Eh? Sean [Lancer]: Awww mum... give me five more minutes... > [Same room as before, Lancer, and Sera sitting up, Meg and Marlene floating > in foreground] > Lancer: We're leaving now?! Kara: We are? Sean: Right. See you guys later. [He gets up] CABAAL [V/O]: Not so fast, human. Sean: Damn. [He sits] > Meg: I thought you wanted off this clunker! Matt: Did he? Sandra: I don't know... In fact, I'd like to know what they're doing here, where they're going, what ship this is and, most importantly, what's going on! An explanation or two might be nice, comic! > Lancer: Oh come on, Meg! I spent ten minutes tucking us in! Sean: Whinge, whinnge, whinge. That's all you've done since we started. If you don't stop it right now, we're turning this comic around and going back home! Kara: Awww... > [Marlene floating over Sera with pillow over her face] Sandra: Our informant wishes to stay anonymous. > Marlene: Sera, get up! We're going! > Sera: Go away, I'm busy... Matt: Busy doing what? Sandra: Not much, apparently. Matt: So why not just say that she's tired? Sandra: I guess it's zanier this way. > [Lancer lying back, Meg in foreground] Kara: I could get to like this comic... Sandra: Then you'd like the early Aftermath issues. Lancer spends a lot of time lying around in the near buff. Kara: Cool. Sean: ... Sandra: On the other hand, you do have to put up with Bruce Lewis' writing. Kara: Er... I'll pass. > Meg: Lancer, maintenance will be ripping the bulkheads to fix the > gravity generators in fifteen minutes! Scott's having a shuttle-- Matt: That's nice, but where is a shuttle meant to dock on a Horizont? Sandra: Never mind that, where's this huge room on a Horizont? > [Meg and Lancer] > SFX: CLANNING! Kara: Clanning... Clanning... Isn't that what Nicholas Kerensky did? Sean: That's an obscure one. > Meg: Whoops! They're already here! Matt: Who? The maintenance men? Sandra: Can't be. They never show up on time. > Lancer: Ow! Sean [Deadpan]: Aiee. > [Lancer, Sera, Meg and Marlene floating down a corridor full of pipes and junk] Matt: Great. Now they're lost in the back rooms of the BBC. Sandra: Either that or the Sundry Pump House. Kara: Is that Chris Barrie talking to Tom Baker over there? Sean: Nice shorts on Marlene. Who is she trying to be, Lara Croft? > Lancer: That's as bad as microphone feedback. I get dibs on the shuttle bed! Sean: Don't get too comfortable... It's likely to crash or get shot down in the first five minutes of the episode. And kill off an expendable ensign. Matt: That's Star Trek. Sean: This has looked like Star Trek so far. > Meg: That's all right. It doesn't have one! Kara: Obviously they're taking the no-frills economy-class shuttle. > Mnn.. Just take your time... Sandra: Could you not and get this damned comic moving instead? How far in are we, six issues? Matt: Actually, it's more like six pages. Sandra: Damn. > Sera: No! Lemme go back, sis! > [RC-4 Rabbit shuttle in foreground, Horizont in background, characters hanging > around] Kara: RC-4 Rabbit! DYRL Mecha! Drink! Sean: And a very badly-drawn one at that. [They all take swigs from imaginary drinks] Sandra: Hang on, if that's the Horizont they were on, then where are they now? Matt: Um, I guess they're in the SDF-3. Sean: This comic's really heavy on the details. > Scott: Lancer, this is JC Schlekta, friend of mine! Kara: Hey guys, I think we've found our character to hate for this issue. > [Lancer] > JC: Howdy, Lance! > Lancer: Oh, hi. Matt: "Lance"? Boot him for that, Lancer. > [Marlene] > Scott: JC, this is Ariel... Sandra: Hang on... even after Scott found out about her true nature and her Invid name, he still kept calling her Marlene. So why has he gone to calling her Ariel all of a sudden? Matt: Um... Because? Sean: The Glowing White Thing That Goes EEEEEE told him too? Kara: The writer's an idiot? Sandra: I think I'll take "all of the above". > Marlene: Hello! > [Sera, yawning] > Scott: That's Sera... > Sera: >Yawn!< Sandra: I couldn't agree more. > [Meg] > Scott: And this is-- > Meg: We've met. Sean: Anyone care to offer us an explanation? Anyone at all? No? Didn't think so. > [Shuttle bridge. Lots of junk] Matt: Again with all the high-tech junk in the backgrounds! This looks more like the interior of the Millenium Falcon than anything else. Not to mention that this is way too big to be the bridge of a Rabbit. > Scott: I think you guys will like Tirol. It has more than what Earth does. Sandra: More... what exactly? Sean: More pseudo-roman architecture? Kara: More views of nearby multi-ringed gas giants? > Lancer: If it offers something soft and horizontal, that'll be good enough-- Kara: You know, that could be taken in a variety of ways... > JC: I don't think gravity shock will hit you, Meg. Though if you need to > lie down later, my place is open. Sandra: That's it, Meg. Just hit him. Kara: JC then? Sean: Seems that way. > Marlene: Lie down, already! Sean: Down! Back! Lie down! Good. > Meg: Perhaps... > [Lancer or JC. I'm not sure] Sean: Well can't you tell? Rick R. [V/O]: Sorry! They look so much alike with this artist! I can barely tell Lancer from Scott some panels. Sean: Geez, you're a lame excuse for a writer. Matt: Um... okay. Care to hit that fourth wall any harder? > Lancer or JC: 'Oy!!! > [VF-1 Veritechs in space] Sandra: That's got to be the worst-drawn fleet of VFs I've ever seen in a professional work. Kara: Is that a DYRL Strike Valkyrie down there? I need to know for drinks purposes. Matt: Umm.. I'm not sure. The gun could be the intake. Kara: Maybe I should just get drunk anyway. > Marlene [V/O]: Oh, wow! > Voice [V/O]: That's a Macross Veritech, Ariel! VF-1S model! Sandra: Macross... Veritech? I buy saying "VF-1 Veritech" or "RDF Veritech" but not "Macross Veritech!" What kind of an idiot is this writer anyway? > [Shuttle cockpit] > Voice: I've always wanted one of those! > Meg: They're called Valkyries here. Sandra: Valkyries... Using Macross Mecha names... in a Robotech work... Must... control... fist of death... Matt: I guess the authour is using Peter Sporran as a reference then... Kara: You okay there Sandra? Sandra: NO! First the 2046 date... then the junky interiors... then the Macross Valkyries... Oooh I want to hurt someone. > JC: It's time to welcome you to town. Not my home town, mind you... Matt [JC]: My place is way nicer than this. > [Futuristic metropolis from the air, Super Veritechs flying around > in the foreground] Matt: Let's see... There's Super Veritechs flying around in the atmosphere. That's one bop to the head. Sean: Pretty generic psudo-cyberpunk metropolis down there. It could be Bubblegum Crisis or Ghost In the Shell or Dark Minds, maybe or... Kara: Thank you. > JC [V/O]: "But Monument City has become Tirol's main spaceport." "The > amusing part is that it was built around REF headquarters. Much of the > REF is now underground because of land constraints." Sandra: Hang on... am I to assume that they re-named Tiresia, the planet's capital and the REF's centre of command to Monument City? Why did they do this? Why abandon a centuries old traditional name in favor of a city from another world that didn't exist fifty years ago? Matt: Because. Sandra: I get the feeling I'll be hearing that one often. > [Crew onboard shuttle] Kara: Um, who's piloting it? > JC: You can all crash at my pad Matt: ...I cannot believe he just said "pad". Sean: JC's Swinging Pad, Tirol, 2046. > if you don't mind some marine buddies showing up! Matt [JC]: Just you, me, a few beers and the third marine battalion. What do you say, buddy? > Scott: Thanks. How about it, Lancer? Sean [Lancer]: I'm not so sure... I need to do my hair. Kara: I should hit you, but that line's strangely right for him. > Voice: Oh, boy! What a view! Sean [Looks at kneeling forward Sera]: Yeah, I'll say... [Kara baps him] > [Landed Rabbit with Super Veritechs in background] > [Close up on cockpit] > Pilot: Oh, like Mob Gangstas, eh, mon? > JC: I did not hear that! All: Huh? Matt: Did we just skip a few panels worth of dialogue or something? Sandra: Hang on... Maybe we're meant to read down these pages, instead of across it, despite the two page spread. Sean [Looks over dialogue] No, it still doesn't make any sense that way... > [Lancer (?) and Scott (?)] Matt: Well, your guess is as good as mine. Rick R. [V/O]: Sorry! > Lancer (?): Sera and I can hitch with you for a while... ...but > there's someone I'd like to find later. Sean [Lancer]: A good beautician... I need to get my hair done, and my nails and my bikini line is just horrible! Matt: ...That was rather disturbing, actually. > Scott: Fine, fine... > [Crowded street, Scott and Lancer in foreground] > Person 1: Oh, wow! Sentinels! > Person 2: They're micronized Zentraedi, silly. Sean: No sir, that girl with the big hair and bikini looks like a Praxian to me. > Lancer: So, you up for five-card tonight? > Scott: Definitely. I gotta get back at featherhead! Matt: Featherhead? Sandra: Don't worry, Matt. I'm sure we'll get a perfectly reasonable lack of explanation later on. Matt: Thanks, I think. > [Crowd scene with various aliens. Lancer and Scott in background, Sera, > Marlene and Meg in foreground] Sandra: There's not a single recognisable Sentinels alien in that crowd. Reckon we'll actually see one? Matt: I dunno, this comic's getting pretty vague. Sean: Even if we did see one, would we recognize them with this artist? > Scott: That reminds me, I have to e-mail Rand! Sean [Scott]: He offered me a part in a story he's writing called 'Aftermath' or something. Interested, Lancer? Kara [Lancer]: Er... I might pass. > Will there be a dish pointing to Earth tonight? > Lancer: I think so... > Man: Uh, is this going to be draw or stud? Kara: Um... I'll take "all of the above". Sean: It depends on how drunk we are. > Sera: No, no, no, Ariel. The Sentinels isn't just one race. > Meg: What are you talking about? Matt: Or is it Meg then Sera? Gah! These people all look the same! I can't tell them apart! > [Meg, with photo montage in the background] Sandra: Let's see... I don't recognise a single thing in any of those pictures. Sean: Hey, isn't that Mark Landry on one of them? Kara: That'd be relevant enough for this comic... > Meg: The Sentinels is an alliance Matt: "The Sentinels is an alliance"... that sounds wrong. Shouldn't that be "are an alliance"? Sandra: Okay, no picking on the grammar. If we started that, we'd all go mad. > formed by several races whose > homeworlds were taken over by the Invid, swearing to pool their > resources and abilities to destroy the Invid threat. They gained an > edge when the humans and Zentraedi lead by Rick and Lisa Hunter joined > them. Sean: So what happened then? Sandra: They got shafted by Antartic and were never seen again. Kara: Kinda sad, really. > [Street scene] > Meg: Most of the aliens here are allied with the Sentinel cause, which > is now to better relations among races. Kara: So they're sort of like a galactic United Nations then? Matt: Yep. Karbarra owes two billion in membership fees, Garuda keeps on vetoing everything unless it's in their interest, and Pteryon sulks unless it gets a permanent seat on the security council. > Marlene: Oh, I see... Kara [Marlene]: Well, you've made everything about as clear as mud, really. > [Marlene and Meg, others in background] > Marlene: So who are the founders? Sandra: The leaders of the Dominion. They're a race of liquid shapeshifters who share a communal mind called the "great link". Odo's one of them. > Meg: They always say that... All: That. > JC: There'll be room for your chips, Lance. A few players got reassigned to > the _Marcus Antonius 2_. Matt: Hey, what's with the underlined name? Now the lettering's going crazy on us too. Sean: Good thing the inking's so bad, otherwise we'd loose that too. Sandra: Amusing. Peter Walker is the only person who uses the name "Marcus Antonius" for any Robotech ships. I think we've got a positive ID on the primary source for all this guys' info. > [Ship and fighter over City] Kara: It's a badly drawn Ikazuchi with wings and the YF-19. This is getting trippier by the second. > JC [V/O]: They're in Skull Squadron, so they're probably taking it in their stride. > [Two women] Sean: Check out the huge socks on those two. Kara: Any idea who these two are? Sean: Um... I say Praxians, cause of the chests. Kara: You would. > Woman 1: This is not fair one bit! You told us... Told me at the last > minute. You sound as if I'm blaming you! Sandra [Woman 1]: I am blaming you! You were the one who put white clothes in with the coloured wash, not me! Kara [Woman 2]: Fine. Anything else you want to dump on me while you're at it? Sandra [Woman 1]: The stock market crash of 29, the black plague, world war one and the Bishoff/Russo regime. > Woman 2: You're not being fair yourself! I only knew about the transfer > a few hours ago! Kara [Woman 2]: That's my story and I'm sticking to it. > [Man, young girl and misc. Alien in room full of junk as per before] Sandra: Again with the miscellaneous aliens! Save for the bum of a possible Praxian, we haven't seen a single Sentinel yet. I'm beginning to think the artist hasn't seen any Sentinels material at all. Sean: I still say "Woman 1" and "Woman 2" are Praxians. Matt: Hopeful? > Girl: Great. They're at it again. Matt: Honey, the kids are fighting again! > Misc. Alien: I hope there's more light in my room... Matt: ...where did that come from? Kara: With this overkill shading? Good luck. Sean [Alien]: Actually, when I turned on my light all I got was this "EEEEEE" noise, and then half the ship blew up. > [Women, arguing] Sean: Cat fight! Cat fight! [Kara baps him] Sorry, I'm bored, okay? > Woman 2: You always do. > Woman 1: Look, Miriya! Matt: So Woman 2 is Miriya? It doesn't look anything like her save for the general description of "female". Sandra: I'm still in the dark as to who Woman 1 is, myself. > We're coming up here just to offer up an opinion, > or so he claims. Kara: Here's my opinion. This comic bites. Matt: I want a second opinion. Kara: Okay, it blows chunks. Happy? > That's a lame excuse to get you up here-- > [Miriya and Woman 1] > Miriya: Don't even bring that one up! Max would never drag in the whole > squad just to see me again! > Woman 1: Oh, I can name a few times. Sandra [Woman 1]: There was your thirtieth anniversary, for example... Kara [Miriya]: I thought we agreed never to mention that again. Matt: So Skull Squadron consists of Miriya, Woman, Generic Alien, Scene Filler Man and Underage Girl With Pigtails? Sean: Seems that way. Matt: I guess even the best end up falling on hard times. > [Miriya and Woman 1 from behind, man in foreground] Sean: Say... Nice view of Woman 1 from here. Kara: Don't tell me, you're bored, right? Sean: Er... yeah. > Miriya: Marie, those times always involved serious missions. Kara: Taking your kids to the circus doesn't count as serious. Sandra: I'm not so sure. This is Dana Sterling we're talking about. Matt: So Woman 1 is Marie Crystal? Thank you at least, comic. Sean: Hey, they were relying on us recognising them from the art. > Man: Like now. Matt: Will our mystery guest sign in, please? > [Max, with scar and eyepatch] Sean: Wow. It's Max trying to be Captain Harlock. Kara: Maybe he wants to enter a costume contest with Aftermath's Rook as Emeraldas. Carla [V/O]: Mmph.. Mphermphaphs... Mph... [THWACK] Owwie. Matt: Say, why is he wearing such big shoes? What are they, flippers? > Miriya and Marie [V/O]: Eeep! Hi, admiral! Matt: "Hi admiral?" Sandra: I Seem to recall something about Max and Miriya both retiring to raise their second child... but that's a Sentinels story element, so obviously it's not important. > Max: And believe me, this is one time when I don't want to hear any > zealous quips from either of you! Sandra [Marie]: Bitch. Kara [Miriya]: Cow. > [Miriya and Marie] > Miriya: Sorry... > Marie: Yes, sir! Sandra [Marie]: Yes, your sword-wielding, swashbuckliningness... Matt: "Swashbuckliningness?" Sandra: I think I just made it up on the spot. > [People around briefing table, Max at the head] Matt [Max]: Now I've called you here for a vital mission. It appears that we are suffering from a dire lack of plot, story and continuity. > Max: To get you up to speed, we have lost five reconnaissance patrols in > the last three days. Kara: One of them is out with injuries, and the other four went to the WWF. > They've all happened in the Bastrop sector. Sean: Heh... You said Bastrop. Cool. > [Man and Marie] > Man: The Invid used to be there. Could it be them? Matt: The Invid used to be on Tirol too. You don't blame them for everything that happens there, do you? Sean: I can't find the remote control! It must be the Invid! Kara: My husband's seeing another woman! It must all be the Invid's fault! Sandra: The stock market lost twenty points today! I blame the Invid! Matt: Oh, never mind. > Max: Perhaps. I always thought we didn't find them all. Sandra: Did you look under the fridge? Behind the couch, maybe? > Marie: What types of weapons? > Max: Unknown. Matt: Something that glows white and goes "EEEEEEEE". Any hints? > [Max close-up] Sean [Max]: Sorry about the face! > Max: But whatever they're using, it's left no trace of our ships. Our fold > engines are still being checked on, All: FORSHADOWING! > so we won't be leaving for a few hours. Matt: ...or perhaps not. > [Miriya close-up] > [Fleet of ships above Earth] Matt: When'd we cut back to Earth? Sandra: I think it's meant to be Tirol. Matt: Oh. Pretty lame of them to use a photo of earth then. > Max [V/O]: "...But Admiral Hunter's sent a small fleet headed by the > Kensington to check it out." Sandra: So five Ikazuchis and numerous other ships is a small fleet? Don't think you're overreacting or anything? > "We can take a breather until they report in..." Matt: Don't think there's any chances of anything bad happening before that? Sandra: Let's see... they're chasing after an unknown force using an unknown weapon that has obliterated ships with no trace. What do you think? > Voice [V/O]: Status on our patrols, lieutenant! > [Ships bridge full of high-tech junk] Sean: That's got to be the most "junky" bridge yet! Kara: What do you reckon they're on now? The Red Dwarf? Matt: Not cardboard looking enough. > Female Tech: Squads Eagle and Neo report no sign of hostility. Sean: They haven't checked the audience then. > Squad Talon is reporting in. Matt: Going for perfectly rational and consistent squad names, huh? Sandra: Of course. Nothing but. > [Fighters in space] Matt: Hey... didn't we see this scene at the start of the issue? Sandra: Great. The comic's looping itself. Sean: Does that mean we're going to end up back at the Valley Lodge, only this time it's Pilot One at the door? > Pilot: We've finished our run on this area. There's nothing but pop rocks. Matt [Pilot]: Along with lacquered frog bands, garden gnomes and plastic flamingos. Sandra: The front lawn of my nightmares. [Shudders] > Heading for section G-5-- > [Pilot in cockpit] > Voice [V/O]: Talon leader, there's some activity on a class M! Sean: That's nice. What the hell is a class M? Sandra: It's bigger than a class S but smaller than a class L. Sean: Well that makes sense... huh? > Pilot: Hold on... Matt: Great. He's put on us on hold again. If I get any more piped "Greensleeves" I'll shoot somebody. Sandra: This is the face of responsible military leadership, folks. > [Fighter in space facing two mecha] > Pilot: Correction, I've confirmed Invid! Sandra: Looks more like paranoids from Gal Force to me. > Request backup before we engage... > [Gloves] > Voice [V/O]: Midnight. Sean: Well, now I'm totally lost. Matt: Good to see that they're not dropping us in at the deep end without a clue. > [Woman putting on boots. Crooked view of cityscape out the window] Sean: Get a shot of leg in there. Matt: I'm betting it's a Southern Cross character. No-one else could have legs like that. Sandra: Wow. The building she's in has some very uneven foundations. Just look out that window.... It's gotta be a thirty degree tilt. > Voice [V/O]: Not a sound from the pavement. Kara [Voice]: Except for the neighbors damned dog. One of these days... POW! Three points of Mega-Damage right in the face. > [Chest close-up of woman] Sean: Say... I could get to like this comic. [Kara baps him] What? I was bored, okay? Kara: Well I'm still allowed to be vengeful. Sandra [To Matt]: The way they constantly bicker. You'd think they were already married. Sean & Kara: ... > Voice [V/O]: Had to get out and watch over a different city with the same > name. Matt: Or was that the same city with a different name? I'm so confused. Sean: Wow. People around here are so imaginative. Sandra: Yeah... It's almost as good as naming a place "Townsville". > In either town, old habits die hard. > [Woman putting on backpack] > Voice [V/O]: Unlike terran governments or extraterrestrial empires. Or > friends. Kara [Voice]: Or goldfish, B&W comic companies or Paranoia Player Characters. Matt: Say, how many times did the USSR end up breaking up anyway? Sandra: There was the USSR in 2010, the EEU in 2055 and the URSR in 2099... so that makes three times in our continuity. > [Woman in hall] > Voice [V/O]: But the night wears thin and quiet. I Might as well go off-duty > and relax. Check up on a few friends. Sandra: It's a chance to meet more people we won't recognise. Joy. > [Sean (?) playing cards] > Voice [V/O]: Hopefully my luck won't be as bad as Sean's. Matt: Well, that reads like a link to me, so we'll call this guy Sean. > Sean: Aw, take it, Scott! Sean [Sean]: Go on Scott. Take it, ya big woose! Kara: ...Huh? > [Scott] > Scott: Yes! I'm finally making up! Matt: Scott's actually doing well! That's not allowed! Take him down a few pegs, JC! > [JC. It may be Lancer, but I'll say JC] Sean: JC! Kara: Lancer! Sandra: Great. We have two guys who'se only distinctive features are long hair and headbands. > Voice: Yeah, but your friend is cleaning everyone out. > [The woman and... another woman outside room, JC In background] Matt: Damn, this is getting really vague. I think my headache's coming back. > JC: Calm down, Sean! You're probably up for a winning streak! Start > at ten. Who's in? > Woman: Whatever... > Woman 2: It's still open, commander. Grab a seat and loose your income. Kara: Grab a comic and loose your sanity. And your income. > [Woman 2 looking at computer] > Woman 2: Oh, I remember now! Rook goes by the name "Chess"! All: The hell? Matt: Did we just miss something there? Sean: I'm not sure. > [Lancer] > Lancer: Have you seen the new VF-2S fighters? Kara: VF-2SS? How many drinks do we take if we se a Macross II mecha in one of these comics? > [Scott] > Scott: Not yet, but I know they did go back to the old design. They even > have fold engines-- Sandra: It's a new Veritech with a built-in fold engine. I'd be excited if a million RPG players on the net hadn't done it first. And even then, most of them got the idea from Macross Plus. Matt: I can't decide if this comic started life as a bad fanfic or a crappy role-playing campaign. > You sure this is sausage? Sean: Oh yeah, the huge suspicious sausage. Kara: You sure? It looks like a horse's- Matt: That's enough out of you, young lady. > Sure takes like Swedish meatballs... > [JC spinning card on his finger] Sean: OK, that's JC. Only he's allowed to look that smug in this comic. Kara: Ooh! Let's see what he's got. > JC: It's the Tirolian equivalent, I think. Pop quote! Who said > "Governments change, the lies stay the same"? Matt: Mao Zedong. Sean: Richard Nixon. Kara: Elvis. Sandra: Me. > [Misc alien with card] Matt: I think you're right about the artist not knowing what any of the Sentinels races look like, Sandra. That looks like Cerberus the Aardvark. > [Poker table with cards, chips, chains, dog-tags and watches] Kara: Meanwhile, at the office of the Acolyte Protection Agency... > [Sean] > Sean: What? You?! Nova, this had better not be a faithfulness check-up! > I'm not chasing that new ensign!! Matt: Hang on, shouldn't Sean be hanging around with Marie and Nova with Dennis Brown? Sandra: But that would mean Dennis actually appearing in an original work. Fat chance of that happening. Sean: And with this art, maybe Sean just mistook Marie for Nova. > [Nova] Kara: Okay then, there's our mystery woman form the previous page. Matt: You sure it isn't Lana Isavia pretending to be her? Sandra: That's not funny. Sean: Look at the funky futuristic TV in the background. Who'd have thought of a screen shaped like an irregular hexagon? > Nova: Just shut up and bet already, Sean! > [Woman] > Woman: One card. > [Girl with Trendy Cybernetics on her face] Sean: Hey look, she's got trendy cybernetics too! Kara: Maybe she's Khorah's girlfriend. > Girl: Feh. This is the fifth hand. > [JC] > JC: What th--?! Featherhead, it's too early to resort to that. Sandra: Featherhead here comes from the "You're winning so I drop the big one school of tactical thinking? Matt: What kind of a name is Featherhead anyway? > [Misc Alien] Sean: Hey look, it's Alf. Kara: Poor guy's so hard up for work he's been reduced to this. > [Featherhead, for want of a name] Sandra: Featherhead it is then. Matt: Featherhead? > Featherhead: But my luck's not up tonight. Maybe this can win it over. Sean: Featherhead, taking off your shirt is a tactic only for the truly desperate. > [Lancer] > Lancer: Sounds like a double offer! > [Sean] > Sean: She doesn't have a straight! > [JC's hand slamming cards down] > JC: No, but I do. Sean: Well, gee, JC won. What a surprise that is. Kara: I *really* want to hurt this guy. Sandra: This comic is beginning to read like a bad fanfic with JC as an Authour Avatar. > Voice: Ooh, that hurts! Kara: Take that, disembodied voice! > [Featherhead, with face close-up in background] Matt: What the hell kind of name is Featherhead anyway? > Featherhead: Looks like you got me. How lucky. Give me a ring anytime. Sandra: I like Featherhead for the way she doesn't get all emotional over things. Kara [Deadpan]: Wow. You beat me good. I lost everything. And I was insulted too. > Hope you can handle the ride. Ciao! Kara: Did she just say what I think she just said? Sean: I'm all for finding out. Kara: You would be. > [Lancer] Sandra [Lancer]: Would someone mind explaining the last few pages to me? I kind of missed it. Sean: You know, the look on Lancer's face is exactly how we feel right now. > [Lancer, Sean and JC] > JC: Hoo, man! Featherhead wants ya, Lance! Matt: Featherhead? Sandra: Yes, Matt, we are reading a comic with a character called Featherhead. Deal with it. Matt: I know but... well... Featherhead? First there's the Glowing White Thing That Goes EEEE, now this. I'm really beginning to loose it. > Sean: Simone doesn't give planes away that easily! Sean: What? She put a plane up in a card game? Some people just don't know when to quit! Kara [Deadpan]: Wow. You beat me good. I lost everything. And I was insulted too. > Lancer: Is that what this is? Kara: A relief map of Tibet. Matt: The Brooklyn Bridge. Sean: A red-shirted ensign. Sandra: One quarter spon. > [Sean and Lancer] > Scott: Better be careful, buddy. If she doesn't break you, Sera will! Sean: ...Did anyone catch any of that? Kara: I'm just left with the image of Sera WA-TAKing him into orbit. > We're checking up on some guys. Want to come? > Lancer: Nah... Matt [Lancer]: I've got some important moping to do. Sandra: Hey Lancer! You're still alive and you're not a burnt-out psycho living in a hole in the ground with his ex-girlfriend, so count your blessings! Kara: And if anyone who gets that reference, please tell us. > [Lancer and Sera walking past airport, two Veritechs in background] Matt: Notice how it's been all VT Veritechs and miscellaneous Macross-styled random designs so far and not a single Alpha. Macross favoritism, or just an inability to draw Alphas? You be the judge! > Sera: What a day! I can't believe I'm still awake! I bought some new > clothes a for you... Kara [Sera]: Look at the lovely new dress I got you! It goes so well with these heels. Sean: Sera got her introduction to the human race through Lancer. She must be really confused. > Lancer: Mnn... Sandra: "Mnn" is it now? Either Lancer's asleep or he's as interested in the story as we are. > [Lancer and Sera with Veritech in background] Matt: Again with the Veritechs. Do people just leave them lying around the landscape or something? > Sera: What's wrong, hon? Sean [Lancer]: I keep hoping I'll wake up in Aftermath and this will all be a dream. Kara: How is waking up in Aftermath any better? Sean: Well, then you reliase that it's a work of fiction in fiction, then you wake up in Clone. Sandra: Which isn't so bad... save for there being two Annies in the one universe. > Lancer: Oh, I, uh... ...just won something. Sean [Roy Slaven]: So, what has he won, HG? Matt [HG Nelson]: Let's see... we've got Baby John's own bowling ball, a signed picture of Stan Grant and some Prunes. Remember, a regular country is a clever country. Sandra: And a special bonus riff for any Australians out there... > It looks like a plane, it looks like.... All: Superman! > [Lancer] Matt: It looks like Lancer? Sancda: Bad transition. This comic's lousy with them. > Lancer: But she, uh, could give more than just-- Sean: Lancer, do us a favour and just say it! Stop trying to drag this out any more. Kara: This issue achieved the same with seventeen dialogue-heavy pages as Aftermath 13 did with four pages of nothing. Sean: And that was? Kara: Bog all, really. > [Sera] > Sera: A Veritech! Wow! Can I pick it up? Matt: Only if you have a supernatural PS of about 50. > I've never flown one before! Kara [Sera]: Invid Battloid, Veritech Fighter... same thing, really. > Lancer: Sera, that's just not... Matt: Finish your sentences in the same panel you start them in, please! > [Lancer and Sera] > Lancer: ...the right... Matt: Or at least try to finish them somewhere. > Sera: ? Sean: That's the best line in this comic so far. I want to frame it. > [Lancer and Sera in park, musical notes float past in the background] Kara [Singing quietly]: "I used to be a miserable old doodoohead, all sad and weepy and crying in my bed..." > [Sera with notes in the background] Matt: Two people were attacked by a whole bunch of free-floating notes today. These notes are dangerous, and should not be approached. Kara [Singing quietly]: "And then I thought, girl stop being so sappy, and stop feeling so crappy..." > Sera: That's so beautiful... Sandra [Max the Bunny]: That's touching, Sam. I may weep openly. Matt [Ultra Magnus]: This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Okay, hand me the bomb. > [Lancer] Kara [Singing quietly]: "And now I'm so happy to be happy!" > Lancer: It's her... Sean: Mylene Genius? Matt: Ishtar? Sandra: Sharon Apple? > [Lancer and Sera running with notes in the background] Kara [Singing]: "Happy from my nose to my toes-" Sean: You okay there? Kara: Uh? What? Um... yes. I'm trying to retreat to a happier place, but all I get is Candi Bentaur. > Lancer: C'mon! It's coming from the coliseum! Sean: Actually, it's just Hanson's heads in a Jar. > Sera: Wait! I can't run-- Sandra: What, she's going to scream and twist her ankle? > [Huge stadium in city] Kara: And that's the Macross Bowl from DYRL. Do we drink again for that? > [Lancer and Sera outside stadium] Kara: All the people look like ants from up here. Sean: Actually, they look more like the result of a clumsy inker. Sandra: Same thing, really. > Sera: This is crazy, Lancer! You'll crash a rehersal! > Lancer: Just try all the doors-- Matt: Anyone here got the pick locks skill? Thought not. Sandra: It's so typical. You don't put a thief in the party because they're useless. Then the game's programmer includes a locked door that only a thief can get through just to make sure you *do* put one in your party. > [Hallway with man opening door, Lancer and Sera in foreground] Sean: Whoah, check out Sera's rear. Kara: Say, is there any reason why all the women in this comic wear tight jumpsuits or tight shorts? Sean: There has to be some redeeming features to this. > Man: Over here, Dancer. Sandra: Psst, over here behind this rinorium corum. Matt: And that's officaly obscure. > [Man, Lancer and Sera] > Man: They're expecting you. All: Dum dum dum! Matt: The plot... actually shows its face! Sandra: Don't get your hopes up. > [Man, Lancer and Sera looking out from behind curtain] > [Minmei and Girl on stage] Sean: That's Minmei? How can you tell? Sandra: She's got sausage curls in her hair. It has to be her. Sean: OK, who's the girl with the bad hair next to her? Kara: I don't know, but she's wearing Vision from Bubblegum Crisis's stage outfit. > [Man, Lancer and Sera] Matt: I bet if we could figure out who Man was, we'd guess who the girl is. Sandra: If you ask me, he looks like Zor Prime. Matt: With this comic's sense of continuity, it could be. > [Minmei with Girl in the background] Matt: Don't mind Girl. She's obviously not important. Sandra: Damn. Now I'm trying to figure out who she and Man are meant to be. I'll probably go nuts trying to figure it out, then be appalled when I do get it. > Minmei: Well, dear Dancer... ...It's about time you found us. Matt [Lancer]: Sorry it took me so long. I got distracted by a pointless shuttle ride, a card game where iI lost everything to the god-boy and a succession of sentence fragments. > Girl: Mnn, that's a good one. > [Max drinking] > Voice [V/O]: All senior personnel, report to the tactical room! > Incoming message from the _Kensingon!_ Matt: Again with the crazy underline. Not even the letterer has a clue in this piece. > Max: About time... > [Max in hallway] Sean: Meanwhile, back onboard the Arcadia... > Max [Thinks]: I hope Skull Squadron is ready. Miriya and Marie Phillips > will stop squabbling once I give them a mission... Sandra: Marie Phillips? I thought they said that Sean and Nova were together a few pages back. Sean: Maybe Sean isn't telling either of them the full story. Matt: Maybe the writer's an idiot. > [Miriya wearing a towel] Sandra: OK, not just has the so-called artist not seen any pictures of the Sentinels aliens, he also is drawing the characters based on their Macross character designs. Didn't he do any research whatsoever? > [Max] > Max: Dinner will have to wait, dear! I'll be next door! Sean [Max]: I'm going to do something about the neighbor's damned dog. > [Miriya] > Miriya: Oh great... I'll meet you there, Max! > [Briefing room, man on large screen] Kara: As you can see from this, sales are down on last this time last year. Sean: Which means? Kara: People aren't wearing enough hats. Sean: What do you suggest we do? Kara: We set up a working committee to study the subject, send the results to another committee to verify them, then form a third one to offer suggestions. Sandra: Meetings are one of the greatest impairments to human progress. > Max: I'm here, captain Nador! What's going on? Kara: A badly-written, badly-drawn, incoherent comic featuring someone called Featherhead, the obnoxious JC and the Big Glowing White Thing In Space That Goes EEE. > Nador [On screen]: Apparently they were using the asteroid field as cover! Kara: Those wacky slugs. What'll they do next? > Admiral, we've encountered Invid activity ten minutes ago! Matt [Nador]: We only found this out now, because of our crappy connection. Damn you, AoL! > [Fighters in space] All: They're dead. > Pilot 1: They're using the rocks for cover! Sean: Well, gee. How long did that take you? > Zap the biggest asteroids and flush 'em out! > Pilot 2: I can see why they chose the field! Our Shadow devices can't > hide pebbles bouncing off! Matt: ...did any of you catch a word of that? > Pilot 3: Just keep it up, Talon Squadron! Sandra: Yeah, keep on it, Talon Squad! You're doing a great job! Just be on the lookout for any Big Glowing White Things That Go EEE. Kara: Is this a set-up or what? > Nador [V/O]: "Our squadrons are engaging, but it's turning into quite > a firefight!" Sandra: Well, obviously. If you engage the enemy, it's going to be a firefight unless you're using swords or something. > [VF in battloid mode] > Pilot: All right, you know the drill! Let's raid these bugs! All: [Laugh weakly] > [Explosion] Kara: Anyone care to take a guess as to what that was? Matt: Um... the plot? Sean: A NASA Mars Probe? Sandra: My brain? > Pilot [V/O]: That's last large asteroid here! They won't be able to > hide unless they go deeper into the field-- > [Battloids in space, with explosions] Sandra: Wow. This intense action is almost as good as Megastorm. Almost. > Pilot 1: Talon leader, they're making a break for it! All [British]: Run away! Run away! > Talon Leader: That's it, Talon 4! They've had enough! Matt: So have I. How many more pages of this crap is there? Sandra: Three. Matt: The end of this book seems like an eternity away. Sandra: There's a second issue. Matt: Help me. > [Invid mecha hiding amongst asteroids] Sean: Nope... don't mind me... I'm not here... > Voice [V/O]: Neo squadron! We're going after them! > [Invid being chased by Battloids] Kara: Hey, where'd those Invid's arms go? > Pilot [V/O]: I copy, Talon Leader! Coming to assist! Now that they're out > in the open, they won't get far-- Matt: Gee, guys, did you think there's even the remotest possibility of this being a trap? > [Invid mecha from behind] Kara: Great. The bum of a Shock Trooper. That's just what I needed. > Voice [V/O]: ?! Sandra: Well, yes. > [Pilot 1 in cockpit] > Pilot 1: That's funny, I didn't think they could shadow themselves! Sean: Trivia question: How many "Invid Come Back" RPG campaigns have a a Super Invid Munchkin Mech with a Shadow device? Kara: All of them! Matt: Actually, this has all the hallmarks of being one of those; Mega Invid mecha, Cool (and badly-described) Macross-style Veritechs with fold devices and abysmal writing. Sandra: "Sentinels: Rubicon" coming this summer from Palladium Books. No, really! > [Pilot 2 in cockpit] > Pilot 2: I copy! The Regent king wasn't smart enough to using a > cloaking device... All: ... Matt: So much for this being a professional work. Sandra: The story's crap, the art's crap, the inking's crap, the tones are crap, the lettering's crap and the editing's crap. I don't think there's anything at all good about this comic. > [Pilot in cockpit with bright light] > SFX: RRRR-- > Pilot: What's that noise? Sean: It's the Big Glowing White Thing In Space That Goes EEE warming up. Matt: Oh boy. Here go my ears again. > [Battloids being engulfed by light] Sandra: And what do you know, it is the Big Glowing White Thing In Space That Goes EEE. I'd say we're all surprised, but I'd be lying. > SFX: eeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEE-- > Pilot 1 [V/O]: Talon leader, what is this?! > Pilot 2 [V/O]: I'm not sure... All: Tell us about it. > Pilot 3: Neo leader, Sandra: Big Convoy? > something's wrong with my scanner... Matt [Pilot 3]: It's saying that we're being attacked by a giant atomic moth! Kara & Sean [Faries]: Oh no! Mothra is good! He is only trying to get back home! > [Battloid head being engulfed in light] > SFX: EEEEEEEEEEEEE > Pilot: Neo leader! I'm losing my controls! Kara [Pilot]: Damn cheap third-party controller pads. > [Pilot being engulfed in light] Sean: His ship was found empty, with all the airlocks sealed from the inside. He was never seen again. > SFX: EEEEEEEEEEEEE > Pilot: Aaah! That sound's killing my ears! Matt: Mine too. Anyone got any aspirin? Sandra: Sorry. I'm all out. Matt: Damn. > [Battloids exploding] Kara: Well, so much for Ensign Throwaway, Johnny Expendable and Disposable Lad. > SFX: EEEEEEEEEEEEE > Pilot 1: No! This can't be happening! Matt [Pilot]: I rolled a natural twenty to dodge! Sandra: Fine. You still get caught on the perirpery of the blast for half damage. Matt: Ha! With my oodles of MDC, Naruni force field and personal body armour I can soak it! > Pilot 2: Something keeps hitting me! Sean: Er, that's the wall. It helps if you stop trying to walk through it. > Nador [V/O]: All fighters, if you can hear me! Matt: Not me. My ears are ringing again. > [Fighters exploding] Sandra: They're dropping like TAF pilots around the Master's Mothership... Sean: Or F/A-18s in Independence Day. Sandra: Same thing, really. > SFX: EEEEEEEEEEEEE > Nador [V/O]: Get the hell out-- > Pilot 1: Argh! I'm hit! > Pilot 2: Oh god, what is this-- All: A crappy comic. > SFX: EEEEEEEEEEEEE > [Pilot in cockpit] > SFX: EEEEEEEEEEEEE > Pilot: Nnnooooo-- Kara: Got any memorable last words? Too late. Sorry. > [Fighter explodes] Sean: They really need to get the bugs out of those new fighters. > SFX: EEEEEEEEEEEEE > [Ship bridge] Sandra: Either their screen is filled with light, or we've got a really lazy penciller. Personally, it's hard to tell. > [Nador on bridge] > Nador: Good god! What is that thing? All: The Big Glowing White Thing In Space That Goes EEE. Sean: Don't you know anything? > [Tech on bridge] Sandra: And in a cameo appearance, Bibi Ava! Matt: What's she doing here? Sandra: Wishing that she and the rest of the Clone cast hadn't been dumped for a web-surfing cat. > Tech: Captain! We've lost Talon and Neo squadrons! Kara [Tech]: They were here just a minute ago, really sir. > [Max] > Max: I heard that! What is happening up there?! Sandra: Your fleet's getting vaporised by a computer toning effect. And it's about the only thing in this comic that's been done well so far. > [Miriya] > [Marie] > Nador [V/O]: I don't know! We're detecting a massive energy surge > where my squads used to be! Matt: Maybe it was the Megaweapon. Sean: Maybe someone overdid the bean burritos. Kara: Now I'm having flashbacks to the start of "Aftermath 12". > [Girl] > [Man] > [Misc. Alien] Sean: Well, don't leave me in suspense like this! > [Nador] > Nador: I've never seen an energy being like this before! Sandra: So... you've seen other energy beings, but none like this? You lead a very interesting life. Matt: I'd love to know where he saw them first. This isn't Star Trek. > [Bridge] Matt: Hey, you know, the Ink effects there are pretty damned good for what they're trying. Maybe there is some hope for this series after all. Sandra: Matt, you okay? Matt: Um... no. Actually, they look like crap. > Max [V/O]: Fold out of there, Nador! All [British]: Run away! Run away! > Tech: Captain, its'... Sean [Throaty]: It's... > [Bridge being engulfed in light] Matt: First my ears are going, and now my eyes. This comic is a health hazard, both physically and mentally. Sandra: This comic is not fit for human consumption. Sean: I see a bright light... > SFX: EEEEEEEEEEEEE- > Tech: Its coming right at us! Sean [Uncle Jimbo]: It's coming right for us! Thin out their numbers! Kara: What the hell was that from? Sean: I have no idea whatsoever. Sandra: Earthgov foreign policy, maybe? > Nador: Evasive port-- Sandra: It's all around you, Nador. That's not going to work. [Max] > Max: No! Fold out, now! > [Nador disintegrating] > Nador: Max! It's too late-- Matt: We are gathered here today to remember Captain Nador. Nador was a character introduced into a comic to die to set up the plot. I would say that he will be forgotten, but I'd be lying. We won't remember him by next issue. Sean: That's touching. Anyone got any popcorn? > [Bright white light] Sandra: The biggest advantage of the Big Glowing White Thing In Space That Goes EEE is that it allows you to get way with being a very lazy penciller. > Voice 1 [V/O]: "Mother, is there anything wrong?" > Voice 2 [V/O]: "I'm not sure..." Kara: Well, you're a pair of enigmatic disembodied voices who are in a crappy comic and may or may not be connected to the Big Glowing White Thing In Space That Goes EEE. Figure it out for yourself. > Continued... Sandra: Well I, for one, am not hanging around to see what happens next. Matt: Me too. I need an asprin. [They get up and leave] [Door 1 - It's a vault door. It swings shut as you leave] [Door 2 - It's a rolling garage door. You wrestle it shut and proceed] [Door 3 - It's a double wooden door with wrought-iron edging set in stonework. It creaks shut and you proceed] [Door 4 - It's a revolving door. You go around several times then proceed.] [Door 5 - It's one of the doors from the Death Star. It whooshes down and nearly takes your feet off as you proceed.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Pilot 2: I copy! The Regent king wasn't smart enough to using a > cloaking device...