Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Here comes our 36th MSTing. A trio of horrendous Soul Calibur shorts that are so OOC it's just not funny. Soul Calibur is copyright Namco. Mina's Decision, Happy Birthday and Sophitia: Bard of Souls are copyright Chou Mitsurugi (soulwarriors@hotmail.com) who, if very lucky, might have gotten something right by accident. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side.] [Dan and Rick enter, chatting] Dan: Well I'm still surprised that ACL managed to win a match. Rick: Don't be. He made it to the semi-finals of Otakumania, remember? Dan: I guess... Rick: Not that winning was the point of that match, though. [Rebecca and Tsuneo enter after them] Rebecca: Well, I thought that Sheehan guy got what he deserved. Tsuneo: Well, I'm hard pressed to think of anyone more deserving of the "most useless" title. Rick: Let's see... There's Nightbaby, Captain universe or the Mighty Mobian Weenies, all of whom have a 100% loss rate. Tsuneo: Good point. Dan: But what about the one at the castle? Man, I loved it! Tsuneo: I'm not so sure... I prefer seeing actual avatars getting hurt. Rebecca: A man after my own heart. Tsuneo: I take that personally. Rick: My favourite had to be the opening match. Just a pity the wrong guys won. Dan: Are you kidding? Rift and Zarr were just cannon fodder! They didn't deserve to win! Rick: So did they deserve it any more or less than Kim Zee and Hortense? Dan: Umm... Rick: Pity the BGC match was such a let-down. Tsuneo: Well, what else would you expect from Kathy? Rick: Maybe she could steal Adam's title. Rebecca: She's not an avatar, but she's useless enough. Rick: Maybe Eleven could try for it. Dan: Whatever. My favourite was the scouts match. Tsuneo: [Rolls eyes] No surprises there. Rebecca: Dan, did you happen to have a seat near the commentator's table? Dan: [Smugly] Why, yes actually. Rick: Yeah, well, you would like it. I'm glad the Thinker girls won. Voice: As much as I hate to disrupt your witty, insightful and oh-so- relevant appraisal of the matches, you've got fan mail to answer. [Tsuneo wanders over to the computer] Rebecca: Yeah, right. He's just ticked because his girls lost. Voice: I am not. I wasn't even responsible for those two. That was some other hack. Rick: Note the emphasis on the "other hack" part. Dan: And his pet monster Mistan took a fall. What do you say to that? Voice: Garnetia cheated. She blew up the wrong person. Dan: Tough luck. We're still gonna heckle you. Tsuneo: Guys, as much as I hate to side with him, but we do actually have some fan mail. Rick: Ooh! More people hate us! Cool! [They cluster around the computer.] Tsuneo: Here's another one from that Ghost guy... > Mmmm...Naga :) Rebecca: Friend of yours, Dan? Dan: Ha, ha. > And now some comments on CLT (Ohh err now if there was an I in > there than we would have a Red Dwarf crossover as well): Rebecca: Is it possible to physically maim someone by e-mail? Tsuneo: Do you want to try? > > > and quickly ducks out. While the NERV crew indulged > > > their commanders lame attempt at a distraction, > > > > Rick: I dunno, it might actually work on Misato. > *GASP!* You die pig! I'm a member of the church of Misato. Now, > infidiel, you...will...payyyyyyyy. Rick: Wow. I'm terrified. > Seriously, that fic was bad....so terribly bad. If it was a parody then > it failed (undoublty like DoZ Wars or any of the sequels). At least it > can't get worse after Hellstorm Evangelion. Though I'm willing to bet > that someone will try and top it (an increasing indication of > Induhviduals in the world). > The Smithers cameo was sutcth a scweam, especially when you > consider how the guy on the SEELE commititte sounded in the > first dub episode. > Ghost Dan: I'd like to say thanks, but I'm not exactly sure what he said there... Tsuneo: And one from some guy called Alan, also on C.L.T. > Very good! This is a rare one - where the 'fic and the > MSTing compete for attention. I was consistently appalled > by the fanfic's badness... I couldn't even come up with > something that wretched. Thanks for adding succinct > commentary. I certainly didn't expect to see a "Knights of > the Dinner Table" reference... Rick: We aim to injure. > The best line came late: "Who do you want to buy today?" > Perfect-o. Tsuneo: That was one of mine. Rebecca: Shut up, wonder boy. > -Alan / I.N.T.O. (I'm Not The Otaking) Rick: Thanks, Alan. Nice to know we're injuring more new people each day. Tsuneo: And here's one from Trevor Laughlin. Dan: Who? Tsuneo: Belive it or not, he's one of the authours of "Cruel Lina's Thesis" Rebecca: I presume there's a mailbomb attached. > Actually,... Jinas.... I liked it! I though it was FUNNY :) You do some > good work. I'd read some of your previous MSTings and, quite frankly, I > found tham well thopugh out and entertining.... > I'm still not sure where you got your characters from (ie. Tseuno, Rebecca, > etc.) but it still stood up well. Rebecca: Damn. Now the voice is going to be insufferably smug with himself for at least a month. > BTW: 2 things. > #1 I you had one spelling error... can't remember where at the moment,... > I'll find it later Rick: Each Elmer Studios MSTing contains 387 well-hidden spelling errors. Find all of them and you get a prize. > #2 YOU watcch/remember the GOON SHOW! :) This immediately raises my opinion > of you to 'somebody with taste' *hehe* > On a final note though re: you commentary section. This fic (and the > sequels thereof should I get around to writing them) was intended to be > funny AND corny, certainly contrived, and NOT a serious piece of > literature. With that in mind can I get an honest critism from you? Voice: Being perfectly honest: It was a good effort. It showed imagination and good writing talent, but I'm afraid to say it just wasn't funny. Sorry. > BTW: would you care to tear apart other material I've written? :) I have > more. Not of this series: one SM (still in developement) and one Ranma 1/2 > (completed). Interested? Tsuneo: *Please* don't give him any more ideas. Dan: Actually, that Sailor Moon one could be quite- Rebecca: [Grabs a cushion and whacks Dan with it] Painful. Tsuneo: Well, surprising as it is, thanks *very* much Trevor. Rick: He really liked it? Tsuneo: Yeah. Rick: We'll ahve to try harder next time. Voice: Now, on with your *real* job. Rebecca: Let's not and say we didn't. Voice: No. Rebecca: Aww... Dan: So what is it? Voice: A little Soul Calibur piece. I was surprised to find it, actually. Tsuneo: Oh, joy. Now we can watch even more of our favourite characters get mangled. [They sit: Dan and Rebecca facing the TV, Rick and Tsuneo on the sideways couch. Rick and Rebecca are closest on the corners.] [The TV screen lights up.] > MiNa's Decision Tsuneo: [Seung Mina] Should I grammar check it? Can't be bothered... > By Chou Mitsurugi > "Never!" MiNa screamed at the top of her lungs. Rick: [Seung Mina] I'll never join you! You're not my father! Tsuneo: *And* he got friggin' cut from Soul Calibur... [Grumbles] Rebecca: He was a guest character to start with. Live with it. > Maxi, Xiang-hua, Kilik, and Sophitia stared at her. Dan: [Killik] Where did she get that outfit? Rebecca: [Maxi] And will it fit me? > "..... It was just a question." Maxi muttered. Dan: Maxi, there are better ways of asking a girl out. > MiNa gave him a hard stare. Maxi couldn't help but smile. She looks > cute when she's angry, he thought Rick: So's the Empress, but I wouldn't try anything then either. > "You didn't ask me. Your harassing me on this stupid subject!" Tsuneo: [Seung Mina] I don't care which cola's better! > MiNa's face started to turn red with anger. Rick: She's ripening. > Kilik held her right arm to prevent her from jumping on Maxi. Rebecca: No matter how much Maxi would enjoy it. > "Well pick one of them." Maxi continued. "Would you marry Siegfried or > Hwang? Tsuneo: Uh... hello? Where did this come from? Dan: Planet fanfic. > Or maybe you had someone else in mind." He added with a smile. Rick: Give up, Maxi. Elvis hasn't even been born yet. > Xiang-hua giggled. She stood between MiNa and Sophitia had a concerned > look on her face. Tsuneo: Can I buy a conjunction please? > She thought, "Two more questions, then she'll spaz." Rebecca: Any more of this, and I'll probably "spaz." > "I do not have to pick. Hwang and Siegfried are my friends." Dan: And don't tell me. You all sit around on a trendy couch and whine incessantly. > MiNa was starting to pull away from Kilik. Rebecca: Ease back on the stick there, Mina, or you're gonna stall it. Dan: Ah... I should hurt you for that, but I can't figure why. Rebecca: [Sniggers] > Kilik held her arm tighter. Rick: [Seung Mina] I feel safe with you, Killik, you have a gentle touch. > "Come on Maxi. She could just be friends with them. Besides MiNa is > ready to kill you in your sleep." Kilik said. Tsuneo: And I don't honestly think anyone would mind. > "She dosen't have the guts to kill." Maxi noticed a small dagger on > her belt. "I think....... Dan: Nah, that thing's just ornamental. > Besides, girls can't have a guy friend without liking them." Maxi stated. Rick: I thought liking someone was a condition of being a friend. [They all stare at him] Sorry. > "That's not true! Right Xiang-hua?" Sophitia turned to Xiang-hua. She > was looking at Kilik. > "Kilik is soooo cute........" Xiang-hua thinks. Dan: Say... Are those monks meant to... Rebecca: Damn shame if they're not. Rick: Uh, hello, Rebecca. You're spacing out on us. > "Um hello. Xiang-hua, wake up!" Tsuneo: [Sophitia] Ground control ot moon unit. Come in moon unit. > Sophitia kicked Xiang-hua's ankle hard. Dan: Cool! Cat fight! > "OWW!" Rebecca: Treasure that dialogue, guys. It'll go downhill from there. > Maxi looks at Kilik. He smiled. > "Don't even start with me Maxi." Kilik warned. Rebecca: Ah- Rick, Dan & Tsuneo: No. Rebecca: Aww... > "Ok then. Back to MiNa now. Rick: Back in the box with Mina. So, Mina, how about them Dodgers? > Sieg or Hwang. I know you like one of them." Tsuneo: Well, Siegfried's got some great basic moves, but Hwang's advanced combos are better... > MiNa turned her face. "I will not answer." > "Well then. Tell me who's the best-looking out of all of us guys." Maxi > held his head up high. Dan: Maxi, watch it woth thaty ego. Any more and you won't be able to get it through doorways. Rebecca: [Clears throat loudly] > Xiang-hua's mind, "KILIK!" All: Huh? > Sophitia's mind, "Siegfried or maybe Mitsu-- hey, no can't think about > that. I'm getting married." Rebecca: Probably to Xena at this rate. [They all stare at her] Well, she looks kinda like Gabrielle. [They keep staring] Well she does... Rick: Whatever. Dan: I didn't think you watched that show. Rebecca: I read that fanfic. Rick: Close enough. > "You're all rat-faced ok!" MiNa shouted. All: Okay! Tsuneo: Dialogue directed by the Hong Kong subtitlers. > "Hey!" Kilik looked hurt. He let go of MiNa. MiNa then shoved Kilik away. > "I'm gonna get Taki! Dan: [Cave Grunge] Ugh! Hot two-girl action! > She'll stab you in the heart!" Rebecca: She'll run you through with a steak and chips. Rick: Not funny. > MiNa shouted as she walked away. Rick: Hissy fit! Hissy fit! > Kilik turns to Xiang-hua, "I'm not rat-faced am I?" > "No! Your fine!" Tsuneo: [Kilik, drunk] I've got a fine? News to me. > Xiang-hua hd a sweat drop on her forehead. Rebecca: Um... whatever. Dan: Some comic conventions just weren't made for text. > ******************************** > MiNa stormed down a dirt path. She tore at the leaves by her face. MiNa > was unaware of the small thicket of thorns on her left side, until...... Rebecca: She screamed and twisted her ankle, no doubt. > "Ow!" MiNa looked at her left leg. She saw blood dripping down from > below her knee. MiNa gritted her teeth. "Someone is gonna die tonight. > Like maybe---." Dan: [Announcer] Tonight, on RAW, one of these warriors will not walk away! > "How bad is that cut?" Rick: [Seung Mina] Enough to leave me helpless and pleading for assistance. > MiNa turned her head to her right side. She saw Hwang. He walked towards > her and stopped three feet in front of her. > MiNa stood up, "Fine. Where did you come from?" Tsuneo: [Hwang] Korea, same as you. > ******************************** > From behind thick bushes. Dan: Can we please have a sentance here? > Four people hid, watching Hwang and MiNa. > "Ouch! Ivy your on my ankle." Xiang-hua cried. Rebecca: See what happens when you don't take care of your garden? > "Oh sorry." Ivy moved to her right knocking into Sophitita. Sophitia > lost her balanced and bumped into Taki. Rick: You know, this reads like a bad lemon set-up. > "Hey watch it!" Taki whispered harshly. > "Ivy pushed me!" Sophitia wined. Rick: Or... maybe not. > "That's because Xiang-hua won't move her friggin' foot!" All eyes on > Xiang-hua. She had her ankle to the side. It took up a lot of room. Dan: That is one hell of an ankle. Tsuneo: So let me get this straight. Ivy, taki, Xianghua and Sophitia are all hiding in the bushes and *not* trying to kill each other, steal each other's weapons, exorcise each other or anything, but rather are spying on Hwang and Mina? Rebecca: That seems to be about it. Tsuneo: I want outta here. Rebecca: It's bearable. Just so long as Veggie isn't sitting around on their couch. > "But my ankle hurts!" Rick: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Emporer of China's best agent. Dan: Li Long's better. Rick: Well, too bad. He's dead. > "Yeah, well to bad." Ivy, Sophitia, and Taki all moved down forcing > Xiang-hua over to the left. > "Hmph!" Xiang-hua was now angry. Rebecca: After this little hissy fit, I'd be amazed if Mina and Hwang haven't heard them yet. Rick: They can't hear 'em over Celine Dion singing in the background. > The girls were now silently watching Hwang and MiNa. After several > minutes Hwang carried MiNa in his arms. > "You probaly shouldn't walk on your leg." They heard him say from a > distance. Dan: What's she meant to do, walk on her hands? Rebecca: No, just call a taxi. > "How sweet!" Sophitia said with a smile. "Maybe Aphrodite will bless > them!" Rick: Sorry! No-one believes in her anymore, so she can't do a thing. > "Maybe or maybe not. It dosen't matter anyway. We all know she belongs > to Hwang." Ivy saidwhile she stood up. Taki looked confused. Tsuneo: He's got the reciept and everything. Rebecca: And why does she care anyway? > "Why? You know it's entirely MiNa's decision on who she marrys." Rick: Last week on Soul Calibur... > "Well umm....." Ivy pondered for a good reason. "Because --" Rebecca: [Ivy] The authour has the same respect for the characters as Issei? > "Time to go now!" Tsuneo: [Badly dubbed] Ninja! Vanish! > Sophitia said while helping Xiang-hua up. She didn't > want to get into an argument. > "You kicked me hard! My ankle still hurts!" Xiang-hua voice Rick: Um... Someone doing a Xianghua voice? Rebecca: Magic Voice's distant Chinese cousin? > started to rise. > "Ivy answer me." Dan: [Ivy, recorded] I'm sorry, Ivy isn't in at the moment, but if you'd care to leave a message at the tone, she'll get back to you. > Taki said as the girls walked to where Maxi had his ship. > "Leave me alone!" > "Tell me!" > "Me too!" Sophitia joined in. So she didn't have to answer Xiang-hua. Tsuneo: Or take responsibility for her punctuation. > "Sophie, don't ignore ME!" Xiang-hua screamed. Rebecca: [Xianghua] I love you! > And so they left, bickering in the sunset. Dan: Forget about finding Soul Edge, they need to find who stole their brains. > ******************************** > At night on Maxi's ship > "AAAHHHHH!!!" Rick: [Deep] Guess she don't like the corn bread either. > "Damnit! Get back over here!" Rebecca: That sentance just has too many dirty connotations. Not even I'm gonna touch it. Tsuneo: Might be nice if we knew who was talking. Dan: Might be the disembodied MPs again. Rick: Or the Xianghua voice. > Siegfried and Kilik were out on the deck. Rick: [German] Oh, look, it is Siegfried! 'Allo Siegfried! Rebecca: [German] 'Allo Roy! > Voldo was sleeping silently in his bed. Dan: Chances are there aren't any sugarplums involved. > As was Rock, Yoshimitsu, and Lizardman. Tsuneo: Pardon me, but wouldn't Rock be trying to turn Lizardman into a set of matched luggage, shoes and Bryan Fury trousers about now? Rick: Wow. An obscure Namco reference. > Taki, Sophie, Ivy, and Xiang-hua were probaly gossiping somewhere. Rebecca: [Bitterly] Yes, this is what serious, professional female warriors do. [Grumbles] > And Hwang and > Mitsurugi were out on another part of the deck. As for maxi and MiNa...... Rebecca: Ooh... Dan: Don't go there. > "HaHaHa! MiNa's trying to kill Maxi. Rebecca: About time, too! > About time to!" Kilik laughed. Rebecca: Well, there ya go... > "Yeah, I guess." Siegfried said quietly. Kilik looked at him and rose > an eyebrow. Rick: [The Rock] You all smell what Killik is cooking? > "Are you okay?" Kilik asked. Tsuneo: [Siegfried] No, I'm in a crappy fanfic. > "Hmm? Yeah I'm fine." > "Could I ask you a question?" Dan: [Siegfried] No! That should fool him. > "Go ahead." Siegfried raised his head. > Kilik paused. "Do you like MiNa?" Rick: [Siegfried] Yeah, but I couldn't eat a whole one. Dan: Sick! > "Yeah, I do." Siegfried answered. "She's kind, smart, and pretty. Do > you like her?" Tsuneo: [Killik] No! She ripped off all my moves! > "I think she's cute. But that's it." Kilik answered. > "HELP!!" Maxi screamed. Dan: [Maxi] She's got a pointed stick! Rick: [John Cleese] Shut up! Rebecca: Really obscure. > "I think it's time to stop MiNa." Tsuneo: Nah, let her massacre him a bit more. Dan: I thought Killik was meant to be Maxi's friend? Rick: You'd get sick of him too, after a while. > Kilik got up and started to walk away. > He stopped and asked, "Aren't you going to get some sleep?" > "Yeah in a minute." Dan: Uh, weren't you saying something about saving Maxi? Rebecca: Leave 'em. > ******************************** > MiNa lied in her bed awake. Tsuneo: [Mina] Nope, I was lying. I'm asleep. Really. > "I don't have to marry anyone. At least not > now. Why do they care anyway. Tsuneo: [Mina] And where did my question marks go? > Oh well. I'll decide later." MiNa closed her eyes to sleep. > "MiNa." Xiang-hua said softly moments later. > "Yeah." Rebecca: [Xianghua] Was it good for you too? [Normal] This is just too easy! > "We're best-friends right?" > "Yeah." Dan: And if that doesn't sound like the aftermath of a bad lemon, I don't know what does. [Sighs] If that scene break could talk, what tales it would tell... [Rebecca whacks him with a cushion] > "Sure what is it." MiNa felt the cold tip of Xiang-hua's sword. Rebecca: Obviously, no one is to know about what the scene break saw. [Dan whacks her with a cushion] > MiNa paused. "I'll stay away from Kilik." > "OK! Goodnight!" Xiang-hua's sword disappeared. > "Goodnight." > Email: soulwarriors@hotmail.com Tsuneo: Well, that was. [He gets up] Rick: Mercifully brief though. I suppose you want our reveiws now, right Xianghua Voice? Voice: Not yet. That was just the first of three shorts. Tsuneo: Three? Voice: By the same authour. Tsuneo: Meep. [He sits] Voice: Right. And now for number two. > Happy Birthday!! (^_^) Rebecca: Now there's something that *really* smacks of Lemon set-up! Dan: Is that a scrap of hope I notice in your voice? Rebecca: No, it's just that this is nearly as easy as Brett Handy! > By Chou Mitsurugi > SOMEWHERE IN A FOREST Rick: [Deep announcer's voice] Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to Grandma's house, unaware of the cruel trick fate had in store for her. > "Hi Mi Na!" Dan: Gesundheit. > Mi Na lifted her head. Her eyes widened as she saw Xianghua flying > through the air. All: [Singing] Xianghua, she flies like a moron. > Xianghua threw her arms around Mi Na knocking them both down. Rebecca: Scratch that. This is even easier than Brett. Dan: All of their companions were shocked to see Mina and Xianghua strip off each other's clothes then promptly go at it like rabbits. [Pause] Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. > Mi Na lifted herself from the ground. She looked at Xianghua, > Kilik, and Maxi. She paused. Then fell again. Tsuneo: Mina, we really need to talk about your drinking problem. > "Ahahahah!" All: [Badly dubbed] Ha. Ha ha ha. Ha. Voice: Do you guys want to over-use that one anymore? Rick: Give us a good chance. > Maxi threw his head back and laughed. Kilik bent down and > gave Mi Na a quick whack across her face. Tsuneo: Strangely enouhg, he found his hand diverted to Maxi's face. > She woke up. Kilik dragged her back up by her arm. Rick: [Killik] All right, time out! Time out! > Mi Na turned towards Xianghua. Xianghua had WIDE eyes and silly smile. Dan: [Xianghua] Guess what I touched! Rebecca: [Xianghua] Well, I did it, and I don't regret it! > "Ahhhhhhhhhh!" Mi Na screamed and lunged at Xianghua. Dan: [Mina] You weren't meant to tewll the rest of them about us! Rebecca: Stop stealing my lines! Dan: Hey, it's too easy. > "Aaaaaaiiiiiieeeeeeee!" Xianghua screamed as she and Mi Na were slowly > lost in cloud of smoke.^_- Dan: Damn! I wanted to watch that. > Kilik and Maxi watched as sweatdrops slide down their cheeks. Tsuneo: [Killik] You think we should stop 'em? Rick: [Maxi] Nah. This'll be fun. > ******************************************************* > "So what happened to you this time?" Tsuneo: [Mina] I was run down by a crappy fanfic. > Hwang asked as he walked towards > Mi Na. She sat on a bed in an inn. She had bandages on her head arms > shoulder and knee. Tsuneo: [Raises hand] Can I buy a comma, please? > Her eyes narrowed as she glared at Xianghua. Xianghua > was laying in the bed next to Mi Na's. she had several more bandages > then Mi Na did. Rick: Some collectors have all the luck. Rebecca: I guess Mina was just a little too *hard* on her. Dan: Well Xianghua didn't say to be *gentle...* Tsuneo: Ye gods. > She of course was in a daze by Mi Na's violent actions. Dan: [Xianghua, dazed] I thought she loved me... Rebecca: You know you're in trouble when Seung Mina has started borrowing Ivy's outfits... > "Xianghua knocked me to the ground!" MiNa shouted. Rick: [Mina] And I loved it! Tsuneo: Not you too. > "She was just saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY to her best friend" Dan: Xianghua needs to switch to decaf. > Kilik said in Xianghua's defense. Rick: [Killik] The defense rests. > Hwang turned towards MiNa looking annoyed. "You slapped your best friend > around becuase she was happy to celebrate your Birthday?" Tsuneo: Well, she could have done it a bit better. Rebecca: Sounds like something Celena would do. [Pause] If she had any friends. > "Well when you put it like that it sounds pretty bad." MiNa said after a > puase. Tsuneo: I'm not even going to speculate on what that means. > "Mama I didn't break the teapot. Mr. Bunnikens did." Xianghua muttered. Rick: I see her medication's finally kicked in. > The three paused. Looking confused. Tsuneo: At. The. Sentance fragments. > "Listen MiNa it was a problem for you to have such a temper when you > were 16. But at 19 it is not acceptable." Hwang said sternly. Rick: Seung Mina: 19 going on 5. Rebecca: Xianghua would disagree. > "Well Maxi's 24 and he's a total jerk!" > "You wanna be like Maxi?" Rebecca: You've got her there. > "..................... Good point. But--" > "Mama can I have the sword? The dolly is looking evil again. I have to > kill her...." Xianghua said with a tiny smile. All: O-kay. Rebecca: Mina, don't you think you were a little hard on her? > "I think we ought to go now." Dan: [Killik] Leave her and Xianghua to *make up.* > Kilik got up and walked through the door. > Hwang followed. MiNa got up and started to follow. However she cut her > leg on a bush with thorns. All: Again? > "WHAT! " MiNa looked at the bush. "How did that evil thing get in here?" Tsuneo: Someone really has to clean this place up. > Hwang turned his head. and saw MiNa had managed to cut her leg on > something. He turned around. MiNa saw him coming. Rick: Like the approach of the Grim Reaper. > " Oh dear........." Hwang lifted her up and walked out the door. Dan: [Hwang] Room service! > Kilik who also stopped > waited for Hwang to get out the door, then closed and locked from the outside. > Xianghua opened her eyes. She slowly got out of bed. She queitly walked to > the closet and opened it. In the closet was Sophitia. Dan: Xianghua's just waiting for her to come out of the closet. Rebecca: [Sophitia] Don't mind me! I'm not doing anything here. Neither is Ivy. > "Heee heee heee! If Aphrodite won't get MiNa a husband I will!!" Sophitia > said looking quite evil. Rick: You know, as hard as I try, I just can't manage that. > She Laughed evily. Tsuneo: Is Naga hiding in there as well? Rick: That would be very hard. Rebecca: So that's what all the noise was. Tsuneo: I regret I said that. > Xianghua getting nervous hid in the corner. Then jumped out the window. Tsuneo: She's getting out of this fic one way or another. > She fell 10 feet and landed directly on top of Maxi. Dan: What incredible irony. Just when you need a handy crash pad. > Sophitia looked around the the room. "Hey where didja go?" Rick: [Sophitia] Why is everyone running away from me? Is my new perfume *really* that bad? > ******************************************************* > Several hours later. It was time for MiNa to open her gifts.............. > "MiNa! It's time for you to open your gifts!" Taki said Rebecca: [Taki] And time for me to get my token appearance for this fic. > as she walked towards MiNa with a gift. Tsuneo: Thank you so much, miss exposition, but the narration got there first. > "YEA!" MiNa grabbed the gift and tore off the wrapping paper. It was a > silk cloth. "Ohhh it's so pretty!" Rick: [Mina] I don't know what to do with just some cloth, but thanks anyway. > "Here's my present!" Rebecca: From your friend, the disembodied MP. > MiNa had almost opened all her gifts. Dan: She blushed furiously when she opened Xianghua's and promptly hid it from everyone else. > She had gotten silks, jewelry, a dream catcher (from Rock), and incents. Rebecca: Poor Rock, not yet civilised enough to properly understand the birthday tradition, gave Seung Mina his beetle collection. Rick: Which Lizardman promply ate. Tsuneo: Actually, he also gave her a set of matched luggage, shoes and Bryan Fury trousers. Lizardman was strangely absent from the celebration. > She also received Maxi Rick: I hope there's an error in there somewhere... > who some > how managed to get a box big enough to hold him. MiNa had tossed him to > the other side of the room. Dan: With the rest of the garbage. Tsuneo: Face it, Maxi, no-one likes you. Rick: He's better than Li Long, though. Dan: Only in your hideously disturbed dreams, peon. Rebecca: No more holy wars, ok? Tsuneo: You're one to talk. Rebecca: Shut up. Rick: Blue. Rebecca: Dead. Dan: Two. Tsuneo: Oh, for crying out loud! Do you mind? We've got a fic to demolish. Not that it really needs it... > She only had Hwang's gift to open. Tsuneo: I sense a terrible set-up. > Hwang calmly walked up to MiNa and placed a small box in her hand. He had > kneeled in front of her and patiently waited to open it. She glanced > around the room and saw several smiles. Rick: They're smiling. You know something bad's about to happen. Rebecca: Especially if Astaroth's smiling. > She slowly opened it. > "Oh Hwang........ it's beautiful." MiNa said. Dan: [Mina, deadpan] Socks and underpants. How romantic. > "It onced belonged to my mother. My father gave it to her when he proposed > to her." Rebecca: What, a social disease? Rick: Sick! > MiNa's face turned red. Hwang stood up and lifeted a beautiful necklace. > It was in the shape of a heart. A large diamond in the middle. And smaller > precious stones around it. Hwang put The necklace on MiNa. He looked > sraight into her eyes and said.... Tsuneo: [Hwang] How did that bush get there? > "Will you marry me?" Rick: Couldn't you have just said that two fics ago and saved us the terror? > MiNa's eyes sparkled as she said. "I will." Rebecca: [Xianghua, wailing] But what about me? > The other soulwarriors cheered as Hwang and MiNa kissed. Dan: Like you couldn't see it coming a mile away. Rick: With all the subtlety of a spatula between the eyes. > "*sob* This is sooooooooo beautiful." Maxi sobed. Tsuneo: Uh... I presume that's a Chinese thing. > He whiped a away a few tears. Rebecca: [Whiplash] Oww! > "Maxi! I didn't know you had a soft heart for marriages." Dan: Soft head, yes... > Sophitia said with a smile. > "Don't *sob* tell." Maxi said as Sophitia hugged him. Rick: [Maxi] Actually, I don't. I was just hoping for that. > Maxi hugged her back. Rebecca: How incredibly twee. I may vomit. > "By the way Sophi... you have nice clevage" Rebecca: Aw, come on! Not even Dan's that blatant! Dan: [Whacks her with a cushion] But she does. [Rebecca whacks him with a cushion] > WHAM! All: WA-TAK! > Maxi lied on the floor. Rick: [Maxi] Me see London, me see France! Me see Sophitia's underpants! Tsuneo: Along with every Soul Edge or Soul Calibur player. Dan: You know, that armour of hers ruins all the fun. [Rebecca whacks him repeatedly with a cushion] Well, it does! > "Curses." Maxi muttered. "Foiled again!" Rick: Foiled by president Fred! > THE END > Email: soulwarriors@hotmail.com Tsuneo: Ugh. That was terrible. Rebecca: I suspect the worst is yet to come. Rick: Well, you know how it goes. Bad things always happen in threes. Dan: Ah, come on, it's not that bad. These are quite fun, actually. [They all stare at him] Well, it's so easy. Rebecca: *You* just can't stop thinking about Mina and Xianghua. Dan: Well, you started it. Rebecca: It's the fic's fault! Rick: Now now, children... Voice: And for the third... > Sophitia: Bard of Souls Tsuneo: Manos: Hands of Fate. Rick: Mangoes: Cans of Fruit. > by Chou Mitsurugi > It was going to be a very peaceful day for the soulwarriors. It was a > lazy morinning. Rick: No-one had tried to kill anyone yet. > Some over slept. Others just sat around. Ivy, Siegfried, > and Astaroth were in an open area out in the woods. Tsuneo: And Rock was trying out his new trousers. Dan: Oh, look! There's Mokujin. > But of course if it were quiet it wouldn't be very fun. All: Aww... > And so.... Tsuneo: We insert a random plot element. > "GUESS WHAT!!!" > Astaroth woke up from his nap and fell out of a hammock. Rick: And there was a small tremor. > Siegfried > stopped listening to the wind and look towards Ivy. Ivy stopped chanting > her song. She rose her head and her icy blue eyes gazed into Siegfried's > soft blue. Dan: A spotlight fell on the two, the background faded out, soft piano music played, birds sang, and Celine frickin' Dion started up again. Rebecca: [Ivy] Excuse me. [Whiplash, scream] Much better. Dan: So much for Celine Dion. Tsuneo: And there was much rejoicing. Rick: And Taki got really, really jealous. > "HEY DAMMIT! I was talking!" Dan: The spotlight cut, the background reappeared, the pianist packed up and left for a nightclub job, the birds flew of and nested, and Celine Dion was still dead. Rick: And there was much rejoicing. Rebecca: Hooray. > They looked at Sophi who was all to obvious > angry. Her face quickly grew sunny as she was center of attention. Dan: [Bored] Cue the spotlight *again.* > "I had a dream! Rebecca: [Sophitia] And you were there, and you, and you... > And I was with this lady and uh.... Her name was umm.. lemme > think.. XENA! Rebecca: As if the lesbian jokes weren't coming thick enough already. Rick: Uh, Sophie, I don't think we need to know about *that* kind of dream... > Yeah that's her name! And I was her friend and stuff. Rebecca: Emphasis on the *stuff.* > Except my name was.... um.. it was.. Rick: [Sophitia] Minako! > Gabrielle! Yeah! And I was this great bard! Tsuneo: which is how you can tell it was a dream. Dan: Hey! Rebecca: [Clears throat] Sophitia awoke with a big jerk... and there was Maxi. > So I have decide when I am not saving the world I will be > writing stories! And it's gonna be about our travels.!" Dan: Sophitia pays too much attention to her dreams. Rick: After a dream like that, wouldn't you? > Siegfried, Astaroth, and Ivy glanced at each other. Dan: [Siegfried] Oh yeah, she's gone. Rick: [Astaroth] So, what's on RAW? Rebecca: [Ivy] Sophie? No-one gives a shit. > They returned to chanting, napping and listening to the wind. Dan: All far more interesting pastimes, no doubt. > "Hey! What's wrong?" Sophitia looked very hurt. Tsuneo: The fic. Seriously. > Ivy rose her head and looked annoyed. Rebecca: [Ivy] If that damned spotlight comes on again... > "Sophitia, you can't even tell what happened in your dream without > getting someone bored." Tsuneo: Amen to that! > Sophitia paused. "Do you want me to tell it again." All: No! > Astaroth opened his eyes and queitly crept away. Rick: I'll believe that when I see it, thank you. Dan: [Astaroth] Don't mind me, I'm just a passing stegasaurus. > Ivy threw her hands in the air and walked > away. Sophi looked at Siegfried. > "Damn.." He whispered. Rick: [Siegfried] Ah, come on guys! Give me some backup here! > "Sophitia why don't you practice. Just make up a > bunch of stories. And whenn you get good at doing that then you can write > about us." Tsuneo: There goes the plot, folks. > Sophitia paused. "Hmmmmmm........ not such a bad idea. Alrighty then. I > just need some paper and a pen. Rick: [Sophitia] But first, I've gotta invent the pen... > See ya!" Dan: [Siegfried] Good riddance. > **************************************** > In the Sophitia's room Rick: Wow! She must be really famous! Rebecca: The one and only Sophitia. > in the Inn > Sophitia sat on her bed pondering what she should write. And now we are > entering her mind to see............. Rick: Nothing! Sorry for wasting your time! > ***************************************** > A bright and sunny setting. You see bunny's hopping around. Dan: The inside of Sophitia's head. Why am I not surprised? Rebecca: This is your brain on happy pills. > As you gaze around you see several doors. The all have labels. > Door 1: Rick: It's a vault door. It swings open and you proceed into the theatre. > Thoughts on how to Save the World > Door 2: Rick: It's a grille. It slides up into the roof and you proceed. > Beautiful Dreams > Door 3: Rick: It's a screen door with torches on either side. It slides down and you proceed. > Stories > The door opens. Twilight Zone theme plays. > *************************************** > STORY ONE > Hwang Sung Kyung rides a white horse in a dark and dead forest. [Everyone hums the "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" theme] > He is in search for the two most evil wizards in the world. Dan: Naga and Dark Schnieder. Tsuneo: Haim Saban and Shuki Levy. Rick: Ben Dunn and Fred Perry. > He must find them > so the can give him the key to the tower in the sky. Where a beautiful > princess sleeps forever until she is rescued. Rebecca: There goes the plot, folks! > And now he finds them. Tsuneo: [Bored] So much for the epic quest. > "I am not evil dammit. I'm just misunderstood." Kilik muttered. Rick: And I'm sure that will stand up in court. > "Shut up! I cannot believe we are in such a stupid story." Ivy snapped. Rebecca: Only now she gets it. > An owl flys by and dropps a rock on her head. "Oww" Dan: I'm sure we're meant to be laughing about now. > "Can we get on with this?" Hwang asked. Rick: Let's not and say we didn't. > "Might as well." Kilik, Ivy, and Hwang pull out scripts. Rebecca: The Soul Calibur bloopers tape, ladies and gentlemen. > They all read a couple of lines and put them away. > "Evil beings. Give me thy key so I may have the beautiful princess as > my bride." Tsuneo: [Hwang] Who wrote this corny dialogue? Rebecca: Chou Mitsurugi. > "Does he have to say 'evil'?" Ivy asked. Rick: Well, you *are* kind of evil, you know. Rebecca: Anyone who dresses like that has to be. Rick: Not neccessarily... > "Yup. Pathetic child! The princess will never be yours or any other > mans! Dan: Just ask Xianghua about that bit. > Now be gone or I will curse you as well!" Kilik said. Tsuneo: Is it worth asking why they're holding the princess captive? Rick: They're villains. It's what they do. > "I will slay you evil bastard! Rebecca: But no-one can kill Dark Schnieder. > Now give me the key before I get violet......... Tsuneo: Is that anything like ultraviolint? Dan: No, no, it's a hidden costume. > I mean violent." Hwang corrected himself. > "Whatever." Ivy says and makes her hands into a 'W'. Tsuneo: Exit Ivy the cold-blooded, insane killer; enter Ivy the valley girl. > "Look little boy get outta here before I get dangerous." Rick: Oh, look, it's Degen X. > "You have forced me to get violent evil b*tch!" Rebecca: How do you pronounce that? > Hwang pulled out his sword and faked killed Ivy. Tsuneo: The coreography here is just *outstanding.* Rick: I haven't seen a swordfight that good since "Raiders of the Lost Ark." > "This is so stupid." Ivy lied down andd closed her eyes. Rebecca: Once again, I'm awed by Ivy's powers of observation. > "I will not be as easy to kill!" Kilik shouted VERY cheesy. Dan: Previously, I would have said it was impossible for the acting here to go down any further. Rick: We live and learn. > "Suffer the wrath of my evil children my wife and I had." Dan: Hot damn, Killik got lucky! > "Hey! We got married?" Ivy said Tsuneo: [Killik] I thought you might have noticed! > "Yeah." > "Then cry for me you cold hearted, ditzy, I'm-evil-but-I'm-really- > innocent jerk." Rebecca: Face it, Ivy, no-one gives a rat's ass. > "Hey you don't have to get personal! And here is my thought on you > being my dead wife! Ahem. DING DONG THE B*TCH IS DEAD!" Kilik sang and > danced. Dan: Yeah, I can really see this relationship working. > "That's right Kilik you tell her who's boss!" Maxi shouted from the > background. WHAM! BOOM! POW! "Where'd all the rocks come from?" Dan: Never mind that, where in hell did Maxi come from? > "Thanks Maxi! Yeah and here come my kids!" Rick: And that is a threat. > Kilik said. Voldo, Astaroth, and Lizardman come. Rebecca: God damn, genetics was cruel to you two. > "SH*T! THOSE ARE HIDEOUS CHILDREN!" Hwang covered his eyes. "Screw you > guys I'm going home." Hwang turned and started to walk away. Dan: Ladies and gentlemen, Killik in the role of Eric Cartman. > "TAKE ME WITH YOU!" Kilik shouted. "I'll give you the key!" Rick: Look out! He's got a plot device! Others: [Gasp] > "Yeah whatever. Let's go." Hwang and Kilik got the hell out of there. Tsuneo: I have this gut feeling that something here was meant to be funny, but I can't figure out what for the life of me. > IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE Rebecca: Nebraska. > Hwang slapped Kilik with the script book. "Stupid! You made a wrong turn!" > "It said left at "Cocoa obsession" and right at "Rothion". Dan: Man, Sophitia's subconcious is more interesting than I thought. > That is exactly what I did." Kilik looked at the map. > "Dammit. If you want anything done you gotta do it your self." Taki > pushed them to the next scene. Rick: [Clears throat] Well, that was a waste of time. > At the bottom of the tower in the sky Rebecca: Oh, look, it's those bloody neo-scouts. Dan: Is it a tower, or is it a dimension? You be the judge. Tsuneo: Not again... > Mitsurugi and Xianghua waited for Taki to bring Hwang and Kilik. > "Okay here we are. Let's get this thing going." Taki said. Rick: Quick, before the plot congeals any further. > "'Kay! *cough* *cough* So you have come to have the beautiful princess as > your bride? BAH! You shall fail just like the others." Tsuneo: [Kim Zee] You shall die like the 96 others I have killed! > Xianghua acted perfectly Dan: Ah, this is obviously some new definition of "acting" that I was previously unaware of. > "Well I shall be more successful then them! Will you help me?" Hwang replied. Tsuneo: So you're asking the evil overlords who are... never mind. > "Never! I despise the princess! My brother and sister will help me defeat you!" > Xianghua raised her sword. Rebecca: [Taki] Why do I have to play sister to this brat? > "Oh yeah? Well my friend and I will defeat you!" Hwang looked around for > Kilik. He was gone! Tsuneo: Killik, ever the smart one, got while the getting was good. > "Dammit." Hwang turned towards Xianghua. She was ready to > fight. Hwang prepared himself. Dan: Hold it! Time out for a refreshing pose break everybody! Tsuneo: Awoo! Rebecca: Grr! Grit those teeth! Dan: Good posing kids. You can go back to the imminent fight scene now. > "HIIIIIIYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAA!" Rick: Wow. FOTNS '93 was more exciting than this. And better drawn. > From the sky several lightning bolts came flying down. Kilik was on top of a > cloud with Zeus' thunderbolt in his hand. "Ain't this cool. I found it at the > 'Gods' section." Dan: Damn, Sophitia's subconcious just got a *lot* more interesting. > Kilik jumped down next to Hwang. "Don't worry buddy. I'll > take care of these three. Oh yeah, here's the key." Rebecca: *Now* he remembers. > Kilik gave the key to > Hwang. Xianghua, Taki, and Mitsurugi charged at Kilik. Hwang walked past > them. Tsuneo: Nice defense there, guys. > He went to the door, opened it, and started to walk up the stairs. Rick: [Hwang, panting] I should've taken the lift. > In the Middle of the Tower Dan: It's still a tower. > Hwang found himself in a large arena. Rebecca: And he heard a disembodied voice saying "Twenty klatoos on the newcomer." > And then he saw Maxi. Reading the > script trying to find where the hell we are. Tsuneo: And by now the story is unravelling in huge gouts. > "Aha! I found it! And you thought I was a moron." Maxi said triumphitly. Rick: Maxi, you are a moron. But still better than Li Long. Dan: [Whacks him with a cushion] Shaddup. Maxi's dead too, you know. > Hwang stood there bored. "You ready?" Rebecca: [Maxi] Is this a multiple choice question? > "Yup. But let's get right down to the fight." > Hwang replied with, "Let's not and say we did." Tsuneo: Thus mercifully saving us from what would no doubt be a terribly written fight scene. > "We can do that too." Maxi tossed the script across the room. "Siegfried!" Rick: [German] 'Allo Siegfried! Rebecca: [German] 'Allo Roy! Dan: Will you guys stop that? > "Yeah?" Siegfried was watching from the sideline. Tsuneo: [Siegfried] Do I actually do anything here? Just wondering. > "Let's get outta here. That owl in the sky is really starting to piss me > off." Maxi started for the door. Rick: You know, that one wasn't even funny to start with. > "Your right. And it's coming straight for you. Rebecca: [Uncle Jimbo] It's coming right for us! [Makes gunshot noises] > Let's go join Kilik. Poor > guy is out numbered." Siegfried walked out the door behind Maxi. He was > running away from the EVIL owl. Dan: From another dimension. > Hwang started up the staircase again. Rick: It had stalled. > Almost at the Top of the Tower Dan: Still a tower! > "This princess better be worth this f*cking climb. I'm getting blisters > dammit." And for the hell of it, Hwang twists his foot. "Son of a..........." Rick: And again: Well, that was a waste of time. > AT THE TOP OF THE TOWER Dan: And the tower is not a dimension! [They all hail him with cushions] > A beautiful princess lied in a large bed. Tsuneo: [Princess] Nope, I was lying. It's a tiny one. > Hwang was next to the bed trying > to catch his breath. Finally he got up and looked at his bride. It was Mi Na > (but you already guessed that didn't you?) All: [Intensely bored] Yes. Rick: And anyone who couldn't might just be enjoying this fic. Or banging their head against heavy metal objects, for that matter. > She was sleeping silently. Until....... Rebecca: The alarm clock went off. > "Mi Na get up!" Hwang snapped. > "Your suppose to kill the demon first you blockhead. Tsuneo: That would be Nightmare busy drinking coffee in the corner of the room, right? > Than give me a kiss." Mi Na muttered with her eyes still closed. > "So where is this demon!" Hwang shouted. Dan: At a keyboard. Rebecca: At soulwarriors@hotmail.com > "Your suppose to fight the demon within you." Taki said as she and the rest > of the soulwarriors entered the room. Rick: [Stan] Dude, this is pretty ****ed up right here. > "What kind of welfare idea is that bullsh*t!" Dan: The sort of thing that very bad roleplaying sessions are made of. > Hwang broke a mirror. Tsuneo: Shouldn't have done that. That's another seven years bad fanfics for you. > All of the warriors faded for a moment. Rick: Oh, that's in the story? *Phew!* Fore a minute there, I thought my eyesight was going. > "This is....." Kilik started. All: Crap. > "A dream." Ivy finished. Dan: Actually, it's the conclusion to MDQ Roxy, but never mind. > "So if we wake up Sophi." Maxi muttered. Dan: It's back to 'queep' and friggin' 'vroot.' 'Queep,' for god's sakes. > "We can finally get the hell outa here!" Hwang shouted again. Rick: Sounds good to me. > "WOHOO!" > "Let's tear this place apart!" Rebecca: Actually, that sounds like a very good idea. Voice: Uhh... > BOOM! ZAP! CRASH! POW! WHAM!................... [They all hum the Batman TV show theme.] > In the Morning > Sophi woke up. She had red eyes and messy hair. Tsuneo: Have you been playing with the Soul Edge again? > "MY HEAD HURTS!" *sob!* Rick: Just a second... [He stands up and pulls out a huge two-handed sword - like Seigfried's- from under the couch. He swings back with it, leading to a spectacular lightning effect. He then makes an overhead swing down onto the TV, cleaving it in half] Rick: I call it the "TV Devide". Rebecca: I'm impressed. Where'd you get the sword? Rick: Spatula City was having a sale. Voice: Here goes. Rick: Actions speak luder than words. Tsuneo: here, here! Dan: Well, I was pretty upset by the whole mess. Yeah, sure, it's just a fighting game, but it's got a very strong background and well defined characters. This trio simply ignores that. I mean, with the Hwang/Seung Mina stuff, the aithour clearly knows some of the background, but jsut seems to ignore it. Tsuneo: The characters were terrible. their relationships and personalities are completely ignored. I think the "bush" scene proves that the best. Rebecca: Basically, what the authour's done is taken the characters, thrown out their backgrounds and put them in a cheesy sitcom setting. I mean, they practically sit around on a couch on Maxi's ship, whine incessantly and go out with each other. It's sad! Rick: Well, I'm glad at least that's over. Dan: Man, I'm glad I got these. Rebecca: What's that? [Dan reaches into his pocket and draws out four tickets.] Dan: Tickets to Monday Night Biffo! It's an AAVM tag team night. Wait until you see the matches they've got lined up! Tsuneo: Issei in a cell? Rebecca: Against Nav? Rick: No DQ with thumbtacks? Dan: Er... no. Others: Damn. Tsuneo: Oh, well. Dan: But it's pretty cool anyway. Rebecca: So what are we waiting here for? [They all rush out. the screen goes blank.] Voice: I wanna see the fight... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAVM conversions and the Sattelite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "Shut up! I cannot believe we are in such a stupid story." Ivy snapped.