MSTing no. 3 - I hope I'm getting the hang of it by now. Third time lucky, they say... As if. Tenchi Muyo! is copyright Pioneer LDC. Neon Genesis Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Surreptitious encounters is copyright PM Productions by Phillip Masters and someone who thinks they're Misato Katsuragi. Sad, huh? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette.] [Two new piece of furniture have been added - a coffee table in front of the two couches, and a desk off to the side. It provides a home for a rather nondescript PC with all the usual add-ons. Tsuneo is sitting at the desk, working on the PC.] [Rick and Dan enter, arguing.] Dan: Just what were you doing spending all that time on the computer anyway? Rick: Well, I figured out a way to edit the missions in 'Fighter's Anthology*' to give ground objects names. Dan: So? Rick: I went on a cross country rampage in a Tu-95 bomber and sunk USS Oscar, USS Dr. Thinker, USS Gonterman, USS Koopa, USS Silver Starr- Dan: Hey! You shoulda left that one for me! Rick: You can play the mission anytime. Dan: Cool. [Walks over to the desk and adresses Tsuneo.] Shove off, I've got some alleged authours to annhialate. Tsuneo: Not yet. We've got fan mail. Rick: You've got to be joking. Tsuneo: No, serious! One mail, and two people commenting on 'Tina's World.' Dan: Well, bring 'em up! > Hahahahaah!!! > Whoa, that was funny. I liked your format set and and really wish I had > been more clear about the origin of my characters when I had started > mine. Loved your riffs, especially the Red Dwarf line! (I've got to > remember to use Holly some time.) Can't wait to see more of your stuff. Tsuneo: And that's from some clown called Mike Surbrook. Dan: Whoah! He's a veteran MSTer, and he liked our comments, we must be doing something right. Thanks, Mike! Rick: I feel so honoured. Who are the other two? Tsuneo: First one's from Naia Zifu- Rick: That name rings a bell. Dan: Tolls it, more likely. Tsuneo: She says: "Wow! That was fun! That was really silly. Do PTSN next!" Rick: PTSN? Dan: I have a horrible sense of foreboding. Tsuneo: The other's from some guy calling himself "Ghost" or "Ghosty" or something like that. He says: "That was sick. I loved it! Do more." Rick: Cool. Dan: Don't either of you give him ideas, okay? Voice: Who, me? Dan: Damn. Tsuneo: Oh, hi there. Voice: Hey guys. Good to see you're all here. Rick: Ahem. Isn't there someone missing? Voice: Don't worry, I've sent a replacement. She should be here soon. Dan: I hope this babe's nicer. [A woman walks in through the doorway. She is tall and slim, with a _very_ nice figure. She has dark blue eyes and waist-length black hair tied into a high ponytail. She is wearing a baggy khaki flightsuit and a jacket.] Natasha: Hi there guys. I'm Rebecca's substitute... She had to go for a hair appointment or something. Dan: Oh, god, no! [Falls over backwards.] Natasha: Oh, it's him. Voice: Tell us a bit about yourself, please. Natasha: Ok... My name's Natasha Isavia. I'm from several years after a campaign set 22 years in his [points at Rick] future, but I had an accident with a time machine prototype and a toaster, and ended up on the same Rifts Earth as Dan. Rick: WOW! I'm gonna meet a babe like you?!?!?! Dan: [From floor] Ouch. Natasha: Not quite. Allthough I did go out with your son for a while. Dan: [Leaps up] Nononono! BAD idea. Don't tell him too much about his future - you never know what could happen. Natasha: Okay, fair enough. Although Rick, if you ever meet a scientist named Dr. Howards, do NOT do anything nasty to him at all, especially if it involves your Colt .45. Rick: Rrrriiiggghhhttt. Voice: Don't try it, Natasha. Natasha: What in blazes was that? Dan: That's our boss. Natasha: Thank god, I thought it was the voices in my head again. [Rick and Tsuneo stare at her.] What? Dan: You too, huh? Voice: If I may? I've explained the basics of the job already to Natasha. Tsuneo: You didn't sign anything, did you? Natasha: Er... yes, why? Rick: Too late. Never mind. Natahsa: Ah. Oh, dear. Voice: All we need you to do is stand in for Rebecca and supply commentary on an anime fanfiction I'll be showing you. Natasha: Annie who? Dan: You know, those Japanese 'toons with all the sex and blood and giant robots and lesbo schoolgirls in sailor suits and crap. Natasha: Sounds familiar... except for the schoolgirls bit. Rick: And all the characters, especially the babes are drawn with these honkin' big googly eyes. Natasha: Fine. When can I go home? Voice: Not until the fanfic's been fully reviewed. Tsuneo: You'll get used to it eventually. [They sit on the couches - Tsuneo next to Natasha on the forward facing couch, Rick closest to Natasha on the couch on her right and Dan next to him, closest to the TV.] Tsuneo: Oh, and Rick, can we please avoid this whole Ayanami/Mercury thing unless the subject matter comes up again? Rick: [Mutters] Not fair... Natasha: Anything I should know about? Rick: Oh, nothing. Just trying to decide which blue-haired socially inept neurotic Japanese 14 year-old schoolgirl is better. Natasha: Ah. Oh, and Dan? I should just remind you of my telekinetic abilities, sop should you lay a finger on me, I'll rip your arm out of its socket. Dan: Ulp! Rick: You have a real way with women, don't you? [The TV screen lights up] > Sorry about the slightly jumping formatting at times... Tsuneo: I forsee a sequence of events that precipitates violence. > PM Productions Presents > A Phillip Masters/Misato Katsuragi Fanfic Dan: This is bad. Rick: Very bad indeed. Tsuneo: It couldn't get much worse. > "Surreptitious Encounters" Dan: [Looks pointedly at Natasha] The kind that DON'T involve a magnum. Natahsa: [Innocently] What? > A Tenchi Muyo! / Evangelion Lemon Crossover [Dead silence] Dan: Damn. Natasha: What's a lemon? Rick: A fanfic with LOTS of "Horizontal Action" Natasha: Like Scuzzy & Mullet in most X-Files fics? Rick: Yup. Natasha: Or more like Kira & Dax or Janeway & Kes or 36 of D in most Trek fics? Rick: Probably the latter. Dan: Sweet. [Rick hits him with a cushion] > Part One: Moving Forward All: [Singing] Moving right along, diddy-dum, diddy-dum... > Disclaimer: This part contains no actual lemon scenes Dan: Ah, what? Tsuneo: Thank god for that. Rick: So it's a lemon without the lemons. Right. > "We'd saved the present, we'd saved the past, it was only the logical > next step." - Hakubi Washuu Tsuneo: Apart form the one off the cliff. Natasha: Please. ------------------------------- > "Washuu-chan!" Natasha: Gesundheit. Dan: AACK! No! Tsuneo: What? Dan: I can't believe it! This fanboy is so bad, he's using Japanese suffixes! Tsuneo: So? Dan: At this rate, he'll probably be inserting 'arigato' and 'gomen nasai' and suchlike. Tsuneo: So? Dan: So? It's wrong! This is the English language, for crying out loud! You don't need it! There is no reason to mix the two languages! Tsuneo: I fail to see what the probelm is. Dan: Okay, let's put it this way. How would you feel if, say in your favourite anime, the characters inserted english words instead of saying the Japanese counterpart in the original script? Tsuneo: They do anyway. Dan: [Dead silence] > Tenchi cried, Natasha: Crybaby! > stepping the meter that separated > light years between Earth and Washuu's laboratory. Dan: Um, there's no distance to step, it just sort of transports you there. And it's in a pocket dimension, not light years away. Rick: Fanboy. > He looked around the > vast room that housed thousands of machines, all utterly unrecognizable > to the young man. Dan: Despite the fact that he's seen them many times before. > There was always something blinking or churning in > the seemingly infinite realm of the self-proclaimed greatest genius in > the Universe. Natasha: And I get the idea this fic is coming from the self proclaimed greatest writer in the universe. Tsuneo: No, from him and captain Katsuragi. [Rick, Dan & Tsuneo shudder with fright.] Natahsa: Who is this Katsuragi person, anyway? Rick: You'll no doubt meet her soon. > Said genius stepped out on a hole in space Tsuneo: Question. How can you have a hole in nothing? Rick: Many of these fanfics have plot holes. Tsuneo: Touche. > across the room from > Tenchi. He almost started, only being saved by his familiarity to such > happenings. Dan: Which he didn't recognise, remember? Tsuneo: Okay, okay. Dan: And just about nothing surprises this guy anymore. Tsuneo: Enough already! > "Washuu-chan." He repeated to the red haired scientist. > She stared at him a moment with her piercing green eyes. Natasha: Which when straight through him and knocked him to the floor. Tsuneo: You're getting the hang of this. > Then, she turned to a device behind her. Tsuneo: Unfortunately it wasn't a grammar checker to tell her about that rogue comma. > She called out in a commanding voice > that belied her physical appearance, which is that of a ten year old. Natasha: So the greatest scientist in the universe looks like a ten year old. Dan: Never mind, it'd take too long to explain. Rick: Hey, this writer's probably ten years old. They'd get along famously. > "Come here. I have created something that may be of interest to you." > She said. Rick: [Tenchi] This isn't another attempt to get that sample, is it? Dan: I didn't know you had it in you, boy. Tsuneo: Eugh! > Tenchi, curiosity getting a rare upper hand, Rick: I too forsee a sequence of events that precipitates violence. > traversed the lab to > see what was up. He came to stand next to the diminutive woman. Dan: Er, kid, it would be. > "What > is it Washuu-chan?" He asked, trying to figure out the mass of metal and > wires in front of him. Rick: [Washu] It's a mass of metal and wires, stupid! > "Don't you know anything?" Rick: No. Natasha: Neither does this authour. > She asked, though not in an impatient > voice. It was oddly soft for her, Dan: What was soft? Rick: Naughty! [Hits him with the cushion again] Natasha: Naughty! [Throws cushion at him] > especially considering her usual pep > when talking about her inventions. "It is a quasi-molecular phase > transporter." Rick: Obviously, this ten-year-old geek of an authour watches too much Star Trek as well. > "Layman's terms." Tenchi replied, used to Washuu's way of speaking, > but still unable to decipher its meaning. Dan: [Washu] That is layman's terms. You don't want the technical version! > "Time Machine." She explained simply. Dan: I also forsee a sequence of events that precipitates violence. Rick: And if it was a time machine, it would have a 'temporal' in the pseudo-scientific gobbletygook. Dan: Who watches too much Star Trek? Tsuneo: [Tenchi] Great! We can go back in time and stop anyone from writing this fanfic! Natasha: Washu is Will Robinson with a sex change? > Why she didn't just say that in the first place was beyond Tenchi. Rick: 'Cause she's a mad scientist. She doesn't have to say anything straight. Natasha: Please tell me she doesn't have a beautiful daughter. Others: Ahh... > Washuu works in mysterious ways, much to the constant chagrin of the > Masaki household. "So, what exactly am I supposed to be interested in > it for?" Natasha: Oh, use your brain, kid! Tsuneo: Go back in time and kill the authour! Rick: We just said that! Dan: Are all our fanfics going to be about bad time travel stuff? > This actually seemed to bring Washuu up a bit short. Rick: That was terrible. > "Um, actually, I'm not quite sure." Dan: Now there's an out-of-character moment. > She looked up at him with wide eyes. Natasha: I see what you meant about the googly eyes. Rick: Then pray you don't meet Sasami. [Tsuneo falls to floor, gagging.] > "I have no > recollection of why I built this." She stared at her creation again and > lowered her voice to almost a whisper. "Seemed like the right thing to > do at the time." Natasha: Yup! Grade A+ mad scientist material. Just build it for the heck of it! Rick: Just out of morbid curiosity, who is this guy I'm not meant to do anything to? Voice: Leave it out, Natasha. Natasha: A mad scientist. Rick: Rriigghhtt. Okkaayy. [Tsuneo climbs back onto the couch.] > As Tenchi was trying to figure out what to say next, Dan: Petty typical of the wuss. Tsuneo: Who are you calling a wuss? Rick: Please, not again... > a burst of light flashed forth from the time machine. Natasha: EEK! Rick: Naughty time machine! Exposing yourself to a lady. Tsuneo: What joke is overdone, pray tell? > He was caught totally > unaware by the sudden illumination. He covered his eyes instinctively. Dan: Hey! Tsuneo: Great idea! [All cover their eyes.] > When he moved his arm from in front of his face, he was no longer > in Washuu's lab. In fact, he was nowhere near it. He was most > definitely back on Earth, from the look of things. Unfortunately, he > had no clue as to where on his home planet he was located. Maybe it was > New York, or something? He scanned the area, noting the odd lack of > people. Rick: Man, this has made an improvement to the fanfic. Voice: Sorry, guys, but you're meant to review it properly. Natasha: Ahh, nuts. [All uncover their eyes.] > Then, his eyes fell on two familiar kanji. Dan: NO! 'Characters' would do perfectly fine, but noooo. You have to be a wanker, don't you? Rick: Allright, calm down. > What they were attached > to made the familiar almost totally alien to him. "Tokyo 3?" Tsuneo: And there's the crossover, folks! Natasha: We will now commence a sequence of events that includes violence. > He said > out loud in confusion. He hadn't realized there was a second Tokyo. > Needless to say, Tenchi became even more lost than he already was. Dan: Umm... Just a passing thought... But why would there be a sign in the middle of the city saying what city this was? Tsuneo: So a character in a bad crossover who just 'ported in would know where he was, obviously. Rick: Considering this is EVA, he could be right there. --------------------------------------- > Washuu woke up, a splitting headache wracking her brain. Natasha: [Washu] Ow. My head's split open. Tsuneo: That was a bad one. Natahsa: Does it deserve better? > Fingers to her temples, she tried to massage away the pain. Dan: No, she'd probably just pull an aspirin out of a dimensional pocket. > Meeting with mixed success, she looked around herself. Rick: I suppose that requires some sort of funky, out-of-the-head camera. Natasha: Or just a large quantity of illegal drugs. Dan: Does she do ANYTHING legal at all? Tsuneo: [Washu] Yup! I'm me alright! > She seemed to be in a bunker of > some sort. It was very cold in the small shed, her breath was > coalescing in front of her in small cloud-like puffs. Dan: Ooh! That one looks like a cabbit! > She pondered her > situation for a second, then went to the small window set into the wall > across from her. Rick: I have a very bad feeling of foreboding. > She glanced out of the aperture with a speculative look. She > seemed to be in the arctic, judging from the local terrain. As she took > in the landscape, she figured herself to be in Antarctica. Rick: So she looks at the terrain and thinks she's in the Arctic, and looks again and thinks she's in Antarctica. Right. > Across the frozen tundra Dan: Um, which one of us wants to point out that tundra is NOT found in Antarctica? Tsuneo: Never mind. > lay a building. It was very far away, only the clear air > and flat ground allowing Washuu to see it at all. As it was, it barely > peeked over the horizon. Rick: Very, very bad feeling of foreboding. > Before she could turn away to contemplate > her situation more, another blinding glare filled her vision. Dan: Ow! My eyes! > For a > moment, she thought she might be automatically returning to her lab. > However, after a second, she began to feel a light rumbling from the > ground below her feet. Tsuneo: Yes, that's where it's meant to be. Rick: I think this authour needs to take a good lie down. Natasha: Sideways. > The light dissipated, leaving a towering pillar > of fire where the building once was. Whatever they had been working on > there had obviously been screwed up, Tsuneo: Like this fanfic. Natasha: Houston, we have a problem. Rick: See what happens when you leave a potato in the microwave? > she thought. All: Too easy. > All concept of everything was wiped from Washuu Dan: Err... That's going to take quite a while, you know. > suddenly as she saw the high energy > shockwave which was now heading toward her at an alarming rate. Rick: That's one damn wierd shockwave if it causes amnesia before it hits. > Glaciers the size of mountains Natasha: I hate to pouint out that most glaciers are much _bigger_ than mountains. > were shattered like icecubes under a hammer when the wave hit them. Dan: Hang on here. If this is the second impact, which it obviously is, then the shockwave wouldn't do that much damage since captain boozo survived. It was the shift in orbit and the melting of Antarctica that did all the damage. Tsuneo: Never mind, it's just a fanfic. > Washuu had no doubts of her immortality Tsuneo: Is it time to mention something here about the definition of immortality and the sense in doubting it? Others: No. > at that moment. Immortality? Washuu's brow furrowed a bit as something > lost to her many millennia ago made its way to the surface of her > conscious mind. Dan: Which had just been wiped, remember. And how does she have any concept of immortality left, then? Rick: Tropic of Cancer, which she'd borrowed from the library and leant to George. > In a burst of inspiration, Washuu remembered. Not everything, but > enough. She focused on the approaching horror, looking at it as one > might view a light gust of wind. She blinked, and was gone. The wave > disintegrated the shelter instantaneously, though it was as empty as it > had been for years previous to its final occupant. Tsuneo: Despite the fact that there was extensive work going on within eyesight and someone might have used it during that work? Rick: Okay, it's got holes you can punt Jupiter through. Can we leave that out already? --------------------------------------- > "Tenchi!" Ryouko's Natasha: Who? Dan: The mad scientist's beautiful daughter. Natasha: Sorry I asked. > voice echoed about the gigantic inner realm of > Washuu's lab. She stepped fully into it, scanning the area for the one > she desired the most. Rick: [Ryoko] Want Oreos... Natasha: Two people got that one. Rick: Yeah, Paploo and Marduk. > Ayeka stumbled in behind Ryouko, her dress getting caught on > something between Earth and the laboratory. Dan: There's nothing between... oh, alright. Rick: I forsee a lemon bit approaching. Tsuneo: One of the worst examples of foreshadowing I've ever seen. > She really didn't want to know what it was that had caught her. Rick: Definitely lemon alarm. Dan: Probably just Tenchi's dad... again. > She looked about the cavernous room with apprehension. Rick: [Ayeka] Yes, I'll have the cavernous room, and make sure its spiced with plenty of apprehension. > When the two older girls had passed fully through, Sasami walked > in. She was following them mostly for the lack of something better to > do. [Tsuneo falls to floor, gagging.] Natasha: Gods, what a wimp! Dan: Does this mean she'll get caught in the crossfire when those two start frying each other again? Rick: We can only hope. > Ryo-ohki was perched on her head in the usual fashion. Rick: Anyone for a game of golf? We'll use Ryo-ohki as the ball and Sasami's head as the tee. Dan: Rick! > Both of them stared in awe at the size of Washuu's main room. Dan: Although they've seen it a hundred times as well. Rick: [Hits him with the cushion again.] I thought we said to stop that! > Its roof was too high > to actually see, and its walls must have been miles away. Not that they > could actually see the walls, for there was so much electronic equipment > between here and wherever they actually were. Dan: Yeah, yeah, we all know what it looks like. Natasha: What about the people who haven't seen the series? Dan: Then why not describe the characters too? Natasha: Good point. > Sasami watched the backs > of the two women in front of her. Rick: [Sasami] I want that one! Natasha: Rick! I'm shocked! [Tsuneo climbs back onto the couch.] > She thought this was all silliness. Tsuneo: What, trying to find the man they love? Yup, silliness alright. Natasha: No, she just thinks this fic is silly. Tsuneo: That's my line! > Then, she recalled the time Washuu tried to... she blushed a bit, All: Eugh! Rick: [Kryten] It doesn't bare thinking about! > squelching that thought. All: [Make squelching noises.] > Well, perhaps it was best they found Tenchi. > With that in mind, she skipped of after Ryouko and her sister. Tsuneo: Real children don't go hoppity-skip unless they're on drugs. Rick: If I catch you being twee again I will knot your arms behind your head. Natasha: Please. Dan: Where have I heard that one before... > The two girls stopped before the huge machine that adorned the far > side of the lab. Or, what seemed to be the far side, Rick: Probably because of the large amount of dogs, cavemen, cowboys, cows, squid... Dan: Okay, Rick. Rick: ...Chickens, dinosaurs, nerdy kids, amoebas, mad scientists... Dan: Okay, okay! > since the device took up so much space. Natasha: See what happens when you use Windows 95? All your devices take up so much space. Rick: ...Hunchbacks, flys, snakes, sharks, weiner dogs- [Dan whaps him with the cushion repeatedly] Alright already. > They looked about its pocked surface, studying > the various lights, meters, and screens that were all over it. After a > few minutes of this, they gave up and turned away. Tsuneo: And after a few minutes of reading the fanfic, the audience gave up and turned away. [All get up to leave.] Voice: Stop that! Rick: Aww... [They sit down again.] > "Where do you think they could have gone?" Ayeka asked > speculatively. Rick: I hear Hawaii's nice this time of year. > Ryouko just shrugged, looking around the room again. Her eyes fell > on Sasami, Natasha: Thump! Ow! Tsuneo: That was sick! > with her passenger. Tsuneo: [Announcer] Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Sasami airlines. > "Hey, Ryo-ohki! Find Tenchi for me!" Dan: [Ryo-ohki] Do it yourself, you lazy broad! > "For us!" Ayeka hastily substituted. Dan: [Ayeka] So we can get him in a- [Gets hailed with cushions.] Rick: Even though Rebecca isn't here, she still seems strangely present... > Ryouko just grunted non-commitmentally, while Ryo-ohki obediently > leapt from Sasami's head. The small furry animal sniffed the air > carefully. She meowed in pleasure Tsuneo: I really _don't_ want to know what it just smelled. > as she obviously picked up the scent. Dan: She was then put on medication to get rid of it. Rick: So, this place has a duty free shop. > Then, she dropped to the floor and sniffed her way over to Ryouko and > Ayeka. Confused, the cabbit stopped and made a few circles there. Giving > up, she took on a dejected look and stared at the two girls, emitting an > apologetic meow. > "This is where the trail ends?" Ryouko asked incredulously. Tsuneo: This coming from someone who teleports at will. > Another meow, this time accompanied by a nod. This was most > definitely the place. Tsuneo: Yes, I think we'd established that already. Rick: This is targeted at the sort of people who read lemons. Obviously he has to explain everything as often as possible. > "Okay, so where did they go from here?" Ayeka asked, getting > rather frustrated. Rick: Damn, done that one. > "Don't look at me Princess, your guess is as good as mine." Ryouko > replied. Dan: [Game show host] Hello, and welcome to Your Guess is as Good as Mine, the show for people out there who can't understand the most basic of fanfic plots. > Then, a blinding light [All cover their eyes] Tsuneo: AAH! Dan: I can't see! I can't see! > burst forth from the odd machine behind > them. Like Washuu and Tenchi previously, everyone in the room vanished > very suddenly and without any noise at all. The lab, and consequently, > the house 'attached' to it, were now entirely empty. Noboyuki being at > work, and Yoshou at a convention in Kyoto, they had no idea what was > going on. Dan: And Mihoshi was where, pray tell? Rick: Using her blind luck skill to escape this horrid fanfic. Tsuneo: On special assignment to track down and kill the authour. --------------------------------------- > "Maita, ne!" All: Huh? Natasha: A type of small car? Dan: See! See! > I curse aloud, and to no-one but myself. Tsuneo: I detect self-insertion. Rick: I too detect self insertion. Dan: I feel unclean. [Natasha breaks out laughing at this comment.] > I look at the > small school picture again. The boy whose face is on it looks quite plain, > but has piercing gray eyes. Dan: Never mind the fact that they're blue. Rick: Great, so we've got a colourblind self-insertion fanfic author on the loose. Tsuneo: Help, help, mommy, I'm scared! > There's something about it, a something that > I can't see nor place, but there's something special about him. Dan: [Forrest Gump] My mum always said I was special. Natasha: That was tasteless, even for you. Rick: Could it have been... Hmmm... That he was the designated pilot of unit 01? All: Nah. > "Why did I have to lose him now, and in this war field?!" I make the > car swerve around a corner, and then it hits me. Natasha: [Laughing] That's some pretty bad driving! Dan: [Laughing] Sweet! Remote-controlled cars! > He's probably at the > station, trying to call his bastard of a father. But then I see him > walking down the street, far from the station. Tsuneo: Names would help sometime soon. Rick: I think the authour assumes that you know what he's talking about. Tsuneo: Hang on - If this is the one that thinks they're Misato Katsuragi, then does it count as self-insertion or not? > "For a 14 year old, he sure does have a nice a..Argh! All: Argh! All: Eew! > What am I saying? He's a kid, for God's sake!", Dan: Oh, and you're not, right? Tsuneo: Not physically at least... Natasha: Filthy swine. > I mumble to myself, just before I pull over to the curb. > "Hey, Shinji-kun!" He doesn't hear me. "Ikari Shinji-kun!!!" I honk > the horn Dan: Nice hooters on that- Natasha: Grr... Dan: -Car! > and try not to giggle when he jumps roughly 6 feet off of the ground. Rick: That's pretty good from a standing start. Natasha: Has he ever considered joining the olympics team? Tsuneo: Maybe school athletics first. > "Come on, get in!" I open the door for him from the inside and smile > my best smile at him... the smile that Kaji Ryouji Dan: Ryoga. And you put the given name _first_ in the _English_ language. Rick: Smile and nod. > always said was the one thing that kept him from attending classes in > college. Dan: No, that was... [Everyone throws cushions at him] > I think that there > were a few more reasons that kept him, and myself, from going to class... > and none of them were my smile. Dan: [Smugly] See! Tsuneo: [Grumbles] Rick: And any minute now, I bet the authour's going to say that Ritsuko was one of the others. Natasha: Eew! > The boy looks at me quizzically for a second, like he had no idea who > I was. Silly kid, didn't he get my picture? And it took me so long to > figure out a sexy enough pose for it! Men. Dan: This is the woman with the willpower of a squashed possum complaining about men. > There's a huge crash, and I see the Angel behind him, Rick: Oh look! It's ambassador Kosh! [Everyone throws cushions at him] > only about 500 > meters away. A building topples to the ground, leaving a massive cloud of > smoke and dirt between the car and the Angel. The boy, without thinking, Tsuneo: [Misato] The writer, without thinking, made a cruddy crossover lemon. Natasha: [Misato] The boss, without thinking, gave it to us. Rick: Who is the greater fool? > jumps into the car and slams the door. That's funny, I think, I didn't > notice the little ponytail in the picture... Rick: Crossover activated. Tsuneo: Maybe that's because the picture was taken from head-on. Dan: And how can anyone possibly mistake Tenchi and weenie man anyway? Tsuneo: You take that back! Natasha: [Ignoring them] Ah... six pack for breakfast? Rick: A distinct possibility. > "You had better hang on tight, Rick: [Misato] Not to _that_ thank you! > Shinji-kun... This one's gonna be bumpy!" Dan: What's going to be bumpy? Tsuneo: Huh? Dan: This is a lemon, after all. [Everyone throws cushions at him] > I say to him as I take off, Dan: My shirt. Rick: Up, up and away! Tsuneo: [Buzz] To infinity and beyond! Natasha: Liftoff! We have liftoff! > towards NERV. He nods at me, nervously. > I swerve to miss the flying debris made from this Angel's attack. We > get to a somewhat safe cliff, Rick: Safe... clif. Rrriiiggghhhttt. Natasha: Oooh, it's so tempting... > and I stop the car. We get out of the car, > and I wince at the damage made already. Tsuneo: [Misato] My car! Oh, and the city's being trashed. Rick: I hope whoever you paid to make that damage for you didn't charge too much. > I pull out a pair of binoculars. I wonder what those UN yahoos Rick: The new Yahoo! search engine for all possible details on the UN. > are planning to do now, I think. I look > through them, and see a new wave of UN war planes come in, one towing a N2 > bomb. Tsuneo: It was an N2 _mine_ you dolt! Rick: With the destructive power of a hundred self-insertion crossover lemons! Dan: Where the term 'self-insertion' takes on a whole new meaning. [Everyone throws cushions at him] Natsha: Sick boy. Sick. > "Oh, Shinji-kun.... get down!", I tackle the boy to the ground, > oblivious to the sounds of my dress ripping, or to his cry. Tsuneo: [Little kid] Waah! I wanna go home now! Rick: I sense a Lemon moment coming on. > The "Non-Nuclear" bomb explodes, sacrificing an entire district of > Tokyo-3, most likely for nothing. Tsuneo: It was in the mountains at this stage, but nevermind. > The shockwave sweeps over us, tumbling > my car (wauughh! My car!!) like a toy, across the field. The ditch that I > threw Shinji and myself into sheltered us from most of the pelting debris. > I'm on top of him, our legs intertwined, and my breasts heaving against > his chest. Rick: Lemon moment. Others: We know. > I look at his face (Somehow, he looks a little different than > in that picture. Perhaps it was an older one?), and wonder how he looks > older than his proposed age of 14, he looks closer to 18. Natasha: No shit, Sherlock. Tsuneo: Even compensating for the age problem, they still look nothing alike. > He's looking > away from me, most likely ignoring the fact that my body is on top of his, > and that we are so close. Dan: Big deal! Happens to him every other day. > I can feel the heat rising from his skin, despite the heat of the blast. > "Ah... excuse me miss...", the boy says nervously. Tsuneo: He speaks! Dan: Usually he would have explained the whole thing by now... like when they were in the car... > "Eh? Nani?", I reply, wondering what he could possibly say at a time > like this. Dan: [Misato] Your name is Shinji, isn't it? Tsuneo: [Ditto] Do you come here often, or only during Angel attacks? > He looks up at me, and is about to speak. I looks Natasha: I looks? Dan: [Idiot voice] I has done a good thing I has. > into his endless eyes, Tsuneo: No, actually, there are these things called eye sockets, you see... > and I don't really know what comes over me, but I cut him off with a > kiss. Rick: Now that was pointless. Natasha: But probably expected. Tsuneo: Why in blazes would she do that? Dan: Yeah! When she's got Ritsuko to go back to. Rick: [Looks around] She's lurking here somewhere, isn't she? Natasha: What's up with you? Rick: He sounded just like Rebecca then. Dan: [Shudders] > He fights for a moment, but then gives in, Dan: Can anyone here say 'out of character?' All: Out of character. > entwining his lips with > my own. I press against his chest with my own, and run my fingers through > his hair. "But, he's just a kid!", I think to myself. I feel his growing > erection against my leg, Natasha: Now there's an image I could have done without. Tsuneo: I feel nauseous. The prepostrousness of this whole situation. Dan: Like anything gets Tenchi turned on by now. > and think, "No.. this is not just some kid..." Rick: Look at him! He's eighteen years old, you cretin! Dan: And heir to the Juraian throne! Tsuneo: And posessor of the greatest energy in the universe! Natasha: [Stunned] That's some kid! > We > get interrupted by a huge smash, evidently caused by something... big. Rick: Is that an N2 mine in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? > We get out of the ditch, and I look to the Tokyo 3 skyline. "Masaka! > Unit 01? She'll die this way!" Dan: Huh? Tsuneo: What? Rick: Uh? Natasha: Am I missing something here? Dan: Unit 01 did _not_ go out, especially _not_ with Rei piloting it! > He looks at me like I'm crazy, Natsha: Fifteen points for observation, that man. > but it's expected: he knows nothing of Project Eva, Natasha: Becuase it's the wrong kid. > but he will, and soon. > Especially if this plan fails like the N2 bomb. I notice that he's still > staring at me, and I look down. My dress is almost in shreds. I look to my > car (waaaghhh! My car!!) Rick: Ye gods! She's almost as much of a whiner as that Serena. Dan: Almost. [Tsuneo falls to floor, gagging.] > "Ah!! My car! Come on, Ikari-kun, let's turn it over. Rick: Yeah! Now there's an idea! [Everyone throws cushions at him] Dan: Hasn't he noticed yet that this madwoman's calling him Shinji Ikari? > We need to get > somewhere." He nods, and follows me to the car. We turn it over, > surprisingly easy, and I'm delighted mto know that it still runs. Tsuneo: [Getting up off floor] What about the batteries? Dan: What about continuity? Natasha: What about intelligence? Rick: Never mind. > I think, Rick: What a surprise! Dan: Aw, come on, that one was below you. > "Dammit! And I still have 33 more payments to make... and look at this > dress, I really liked it, too." > "Um, miss? I uh, didn't catch your name." So, finally he speaks. Dan: Actually he said something like that before... Thanks so much for paying attention. > I turn to him and say, "Ikari-kun, I'm Katsuragi Misato, didn't you > get my letter and picture in the mail?" He shakes his head, no. Natasha: Wouldn't this be a good time to explain, young man? Dan: Naww... why would he want to break his brand new habit of being unhelpful and quiet? > "Ah well, at least you got to me in one piece. Dan: [Misato] I'll fix that, though. > I was worried that you might have > gotten hurt in the attack... are you okay?" Tsuneo: [Deep breath] No, my house has been invaded by variuous alien princesses, space pirates, galactic police, mad scientists, and a cabbit, then I was transported here, nearly stepped on by [points] that thing, kidnapped by a madwoman who calls me Shinji Ikari and kisses me for no reason whatsoever and above all else I'm caught in a crappy crossover lemon fanfic! [Gasps for breath] [Everyone else applauds] > He nods to me, yes. I think, > "What a strange guy, you think that he would talk a little more, Dan: I won't say it... I have more willpower than that... > but it's not every day that you see an Angel, though." Rick: Depends on what you've been snorting. Natasha: Or if you live on Babylon 5. > I say, "Okay, Shinji-kun... we have to get to the geofront, hold on!" > "Wha... geofront?!!" Rick: Geocities... Geofront? -------------------------------------- > Sachiel, the third Angel, is tromping around Tokyo-3, smashing what > few buildings are still above ground, and generally making a mess. Dan: -And generally having a good time. Natasha: [Bored] Wow. Brilliant discriptive passage there. Tsuneo: [Interviewer] So, do you think Sachiel is just misunderstood, or a wild guy out for a night on the town? Rick: Geee, you know, I never thought of angels as having a gender. Someone should check. Dan: Someone very tall. Rick: Someone with protective headgear. > A small, furry animal is looking around nervously at her new > surroundings, Natasha: And promptly got squished by Sachiel. The end. Rick: [Bored] Yay. > completely alone. But wait, not completely alone! She > managed to bring a carrot with her! Rick: No woman is ever alone with a carrot... [Rick sudenly lifts out of his seat, is inverted in mid-air and is slammed against ther floor a few times. He is finally left lying on the floor, dazed.] Natasha: And don't you EVER say ANYTHING like that again. Rick: [Moaning] I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. > Ryo-ohki meows happily, running for > the carrot. She stops dead when a huge black foot stomps mercilessly on All: YAY! > the yummy vegetable. All: Aww... > All of Ryo-ohki's fur stands on end, and she growls, very pissed off Natasha: Oohh, I'm scared. --------------------------------------- > I think, "Oh boy.. I hope that Rei can handle the Angel enough [Dan opens his mouth to say something] Natahsa: Doan't even think about it! Rick: [Picks face up off floor] Yeah, just hit it with those bubbles, of yours and he'll get all confused. [Dan hits him on the head] > to get > us to the Commander. But, she's still injured from the last synch test.. > and that almost killed her." Tsuneo: Rick? Rick: [Climbing onto couch] Yes? Tsuneo: Don't. Natasha: Try harder next time. Tsuneo: Damn! > I look to the boy next to me, and I smile > wryly. "At least we have you now, Shinji-kun." Dan: HE'S NOT... Oh, I give up. Rick: [Wicked witch] I've got you my pretty, and your little dog too! > He's still looking at me > funny, and I don't really wonder why, we've had a rough day so far, and > this was only the beginning. Dan: Know what I mean? Eh, eh? Nudge, nudge. > We get halfway to NERV, with the Angel still in sight behind us. > Shinji notices the appearance of another large robot-like object. He gasps > loudly, like he recognized the huge, red, bunny-like robot. I stop the > car, interested in this newcomer. Tsuneo: A description would be nice here. Rick: That's asking way too much. --------------------------------------- Rick: See? > Tenchi had touched his lips softly, musing over the odd feelings that > now permeated his being. Rick: And his trousers. Dan: Rick! That's my line! Rick: Sorry. It was so inviting. Dan: Like Misato... [Gets hailed with cushions.] > The beautiful woman who insisted on calling him > Ikari Shinji had kissed him. For some reason this turned him on, Dan: [Mutters] Rick: Yeah, she flipped all the right switches. Natasha: You're disgusting. > a lot. > Having a perfectly strange person, with a great body he might add, just up > and do something like that was something he hadn't realized he would enjoy > so much. Tsuneo: No matter how many times it's happened to him before. > It excited him, made him feel... naughty, for lack of a better term. All: NAUGHTY? Dan: Now I understand her problem with recognising him! This isn't Tenchi! > He had never considered himself to be this way before. However, > with Katsuragi, her name was, pressed against him, her substantial breasts > heaving against his chest, All: Boring. > he couldn't deny the intense feeling it sent > through him. Nor the intense erection it gave him. Dan: Oh, this is just too easy. Natasha: [Misato] Oh my! That _is_ an N2 mine in your pocket! Dan: Natasha! Natasha: [Challenging] What? Dan: I'm impressed. > His thoughts were brought up short by a huge crash from the odd > creature that was devastating the future Tokyo he was now in. It didn't > take him long to come to this conclusion. It was fairly obvious by the > decor that Washuu's machine had sent them ahead of their time. Tsuneo: So can you tell me in very clear and precise language what it is about Tokyo 3 that makes it look so futuristic? > How far he had yet to figure out. Rick: For once in a time travel story, there are no convenient calendars or helpful people to explain it to him. > Whatever time they were in, there were these alien > monsters trying to destroy it. He looked back to the towering > monstrosity, making sure it was keeping its distance. He wished he had > Tenchi-ken. Natasha: Is that the friend of "Drooling Anime Fan Barbie?" Dan: No, it's his sword. Rick: But close enough. Natasha: So why can't the authour say that? Tsuneo: Ssh. > While it may not have done much good against that thing out > there, it always felt better to have it with him. Natasha: Considering that this is a lemon, I don't even want to think about that! > What he saw out the rear window made him gasp. > Ryo-ohki, in mecha form, Tsuneo: And the authour naturally assumes we all know what it looks like, even though it's only freshly emerged from his fevered imagination. > was battling the alien hand to hand. > Unfortunately, it seemed that the angry cabbit was not faring well. Tsuneo: [Shouting] Yeah! Go Sachiel! Beat it to a pulp! Dan: [Shouting] Maim the sucker, Ryo-ohki! Rick: I sense another holy war approaching. > Katsuragi had screeched to a halt upon seeing Ryo-ohki, obviously not > prepared to see something like her at all. Dan: Umm... Haven't we already had this part of the story? > Tenchi couldn't blame her, he was shocked the first time he saw it too. Rick: You know, maybe it has appeared before. Tsuneo: In which case, it's not in anything I want to see. Rick: True. Too true. > Both occupants of the beat up car leapt out, still staring at the > strange phenomenon. Natasha: Even though the smart thing to do would have been to stay in the car and get away from there ASAP. Tsuneo: It's a fanfic. Dan't ask for logic. Dan: Now I know we've seen this before. > Tenchi was beginning to worry about Ryo-ohki, when suddenly, she disappeared. All: HOORAY! > This time it was Katsuragi's turn to gasp, Rick: Even though she was doing the gasping before. Tsuneo: [Misato] Gasp! Your turn. Oh, you pass? Fine. Gasp! > Tenchi could hear it quite clearly in the sudden silence. However, Tenchi > knew better. He could just make out the smaller dark spot that marked > Ryo-ohki in starship form. That spot was starting to emit a lot of light. Tsuneo: [Vague] I see a bright light... Natasha: Ion Cannon charging. > "What the hell is that?" Katsuragi called out from the other side > of the car. > Tenchi turned to her, wondering for a moment at how good she looked, > even after being beat up so bad. Dan: [Groans] > "That is Ryo-ohki." He stated simply, pointing at the growing ball of energy. Tsuneo: No, that's a ball of energy. What's creating it is Ryo-ohki. > "What's it doing?" She then asked, obviously curious about the ship's > buildup. Rick: What do YOU think? > "Fighting." He answered. > Before Katsuragi could articulate another question or comeback, Ryo- > ohki fired her fully charged main gun. A spear of pure focused power > lanced out at the bulky alien. Tenchi didn't even blink as a hole was > punched clean through the center of it like a bullet through paper. Rick: [Shouting] Oh my god! They killed Sachiel! Tsuneo: [Ditto] You bastards! > The > monster, for its part, had the wit to look really shocked. Kind of silly > on such a horrific creation, Tenchi thought as the being put a skinny hand > to its chest. Natahsa: So, how does a rampaging alien menace look shocked? Tsuneo: It blinked maybe? Natahsa: What? Tsuneo: It blinks. That angel blinks. Natasha: Fine. [Pause] I wonder how heavy that coffee table is? > "Wow," He heard Katsuragi comment, "It's as if the AT Field wasn't > even there." Rick: Cue the inconcistency. Tsuneo: Too late. > "The what?" Tenchi asked, turning to her. Rick: The AT field! Listen for once! > He saw Katsuragi's eyes widen, Dan: Surely that's impossible. [Tsuneo throws a cushion at him] > making him swivel back to the scene. A > huge energy barrier was forming, pushing Ryo-ohki away from the monster, Rick: But I thought Ryo-ohki was miles above, zogging it. Tsuneo: Ssh. Naughty. > who looked to be in a bad mood. "That." She said. > The AT Field quickly grew, throwing poor Ryo-ohki away like a > softball. Natasha: It's a long fly ball! No, wait! It's a long fly cabbit! > The living starship flew into the earth with a sickening > explosion of dirt and steel. At least ten city blocks were instantly > demolished by her crash. Rick: You know what? Land prices in Tokyo 3 must be really low. Dan: [Dumb voice] Oh, no, down I go. > Tenchi just hoped she was okay. > "Back in the car." He heard Katsuragi tell him. Rick: [Misato] Into the backseat with you! [Dan smacks him on the back of the head] Dan: Now cut that out! > He turned to her, seeing her get into the car and put it into gear. He > quickly leapt in after her, and she hit the gas. Rick: TAKE THAT, GAS! > The tires burnt a trail > into the pavement as the car accelerated away. It flew into a tunnel > leading to an elevator. Katsuragi inserted a passcard, then turned to > Tenchi. "Do you have a pass?" She asked. Dan: No, but he could make a pass on you if you like. Natasha: That was pathetic. > Tenchi had no idea why she would think he'd have a pass. "Um, no." He > replied, confused. Rick: Maybe it's because he's clearly aware that she's mistaking him for someone else! > Katsuragi rolled her eyes. "Figured as much. Nobody but me around > here knows what they're doing." [All clear their throats noisily] > She stopped for a moment, staring at > Tenchi speculatively. "Well, come on." She finally said, dragging him > back into the car. Rick: Wait a sec - I thought they were still in the car! > The great steel doors of the elevator opened, revealing a giant > platform obviously made for a vehicle of some kind. The car fit easily > onto it, and they began to descend at an alarming rate. Tsuneo: It's called a vehichle elevator. Learn the term, and save us all some time. > Tenchi looked in wonder as the walls of the elevator flew by them at > lightning speeds. [All make electric shock noises] Tsuneo: Never mind realtivity... Rick: That is _really_ nitpicky. Tsuneo: Give me one good reason to back off. > They seemed to be heading a long way down, he wondered > how far they would go. Dan: Well- [Gets hailed with cushions.] Rick: Well, they are in the car now, so it's not to far to the back seat. [Dan whacks him repeatedly with a cushion.] > He decided he might want to use this time to get some questions answered. Dan: Aw, come on, what kind of a dumb idea is that? Rick: This is Tenchi we're talking about. > However, before he could turn to the strange > woman, they broke through the geofront. Natasha: CRASH! Oops! Sorry, I broke your geofront. > Tenchi's eyes widened in absolute awe as he looked down into an entire > city, built in a huge dome like cave that must have been at least two > hundred kilometers across. Entire forests grew at the bottom, where > unusual prismatic buildings stood. Opposite of the bottom lay the entire > city of Tokyo-3, upside down. Oddly suspended from the ceiling, the > almost familiar skyscrapers of Tokyo-3 hung. Rick: Um, didn;t you just say that? Natasha: First it's not enough description, then it's too much. Make up your mind. > Tenchi was starting to get > dizzy looking from top to bottom, his mind not used to seeing such weird > constructions. Dan: And this is the guy who lives with Washu? > Well, there was the Sojia, but that was on a much smaller > scale, and he never did see the reversed plane of that vessel anyway. He > could only stare in wonder as they traversed the rest of the distance to > the base of the spacious bubble in the Earth. Tsuneo: Boring. --------------------------------------- > I start to reapply my makeup, I figure that I should look as good as I > can... at least as good as one could, being torn, tattered, and dirty. Natasha: Wouldn't it be your dress that's torn and tattered? > I glance over at the boy, amused at his perplexity over seeing the Geofront > for the first time. I think, "He should have seen it when Ikari found this > hole years ago." Rick: That's right, 200 kilometers of geofront with convenient access to transport. A unique fixer-upper opportunity. > After I touch up my lipstick, Natasha: Over her torn and tattered lips. > that I make a mental note to return it > to Ritsuko.. she's probably missing it, Tsuneo: No, she's probably busy dealing with the Angel. She's got a job, you know. Rick: Besides which, it's you she's missing. Tsuneo: Who wants to clobber him for that one? > and then I say, "Ne, Shinji-kun.. > you haven't seen your father in a long time. Dan: [Tenchi] Not since breakfast, at least. Rick: Hey, in the Masaki household, that is a long time. > Have you missed him much?", Natasha: Yeah, I need a new gunsight. > thinking, 'Yeah, I bet that he missed that bastard just tons...' Tsuneo: That bastard weighs tons! > He looks at me, and stumbles out, "Father?" I nod, smiling. He > continues sheepishly, "I suppose so.." [Stunned silence] Dan: NO! It was just this morning! He couldn't have been gone more than a few hours! Besides, wouldn't he be more worried about Grandpa or the girls? Rick: You know, you REALLY think he would have told her by now. Dan: That's what I've been saying! > I say, "I understand, Shinji-kun. My relationship with my father > wasn't the best, either. Tsuneo: Whaoh there, lady. You just met him a few minutes ago, he's hardly spoken to you, and now you're telling him your life story? Natasha: Well they did kiss. Tsuneo: [Angry] Yes... I hadn't forgot that one. > But now since you'll get to see him, maybe you > can work out your differences." Rick: [Tenchi] Yeah! For starters, I'm not his son! Dan: Stop that! I wanted to do that! > I smile at him again, and he shrinks into his seat. Tsuneo: Maybe your upholstery's a bit too soft. --------------------------------------- > Once at their destination, Tenchi was almost blathering. He felt like > there was just too much to deal with. Fortunately, past experiences had > hardened him to such abnormal circumstances. His mind sort of shut out > some of the recent impulses, making the current ones more bearable. He > shook off his impending insanity, Tsuneo: So, in otherwords, although he was blathering, he wasn't. Rick: That's about it. > and looked over to the woman who had > gotten him into this in the first place. She seemed quite calm and > collected considering. Natasha: Especially given how torn and tattered she is. > He had to hand it to her there. They exited the car > and headed to another elevator, this one seemingly made for personnel > transport. Tsuneo: No, they headed to a personnel elevator. Bad boy. Bad. No biscuit. > It slid open silently, however, it wasn't empty. Rick: Oh no! We're going to have the 'how many clowns can you fit into an elevator' routine again. Tsuneo: About now's when Ritsuko turns up and tells her how lost she is. > Tenchi looked into the sunglasses of a very stoic looking man. He had > a washboard stature, Natasha: Washboard stature? Rick: So he's small, flat and designed for rubbing clothes on? Dan: And who around here wears sunnies anyway? > and the most militaristic look he had ever seen in a > man since meeting the Emperor of Jurai. Dan: Aaah. So this is the OVA version. About time he made that clear. Natasha: Does that really matter? Others: Yes. > "Commander Ikari." Katsuragi said, as if shocked to see the man. Rick: Misato, about now would be a good time to consider your resignation. Dan: If he doesn't shoot her on the spot. Natasha: I wish. > Tenchi was beginning to wonder if he had been abducted by an insane > woman who called everyone Ikari. All: Yes. > The man brought that thought to an abrupt halt. Tsuneo: By blowing the bridge and sending it off a cliff. Dan: Oh, the humanity! Rick: I wish he'd bring this fanfic to an abrupt halt. > "Who is this?" He asked, his expression not changing one iota. Natasha: [Misato] This is your son, remember? You had this little accident with your wife about fourteen years ago. Rick: [Gendo] That's odd, my wife and I haven't had sex in over twenty years. Dan: You know, that explains a lot. > "This is Ikari Shinji." Katsuragi answered, though her voice sounded > unsure all of the sudden. All: No. > "No, it is not, Katsuragi-ichii." All: See? Dan: By about now, her head's going to explode. Natasha: We wish. > The Commander returned in the same > tone. The man's head turned a bit toward Tenchi, almost making him wince. > "Who are you, boy?" Dan: Not your son, for starters. Rick: Yes, Dan, I think we'd established that by now. Tsuneo: Even the story has. Which is a minor miracle, I might add. > "I am Masaki Tenchi." He was darned near compelled to add 'sir' to > the end, but refrained. Dan: It's hard. VERY hard. > Ikari looked him up and down for a second, then continued. "How old > are you?" > "Uh, eighteen." He thought he saw Katsuragi flinch a bit out of the > corner of his eye. Dan: DUCK! --------------------------------------- Tsuneo: [Marvin the Martian] What? No Earth-shattering kaboom? > As the elevator opened, we were face to face with Commander Ikari. Rick: Hasn't this just happened? > When he informed me that the boy that I had transported was not Ikari's > kid, but an 18 year old named Masaki Tenchi. Talk about your mental Dan: - half-blind kidnappers, we know. > winces. Dan: well, for that, first you need- Natasha: Give it up. It's too easy. --------------------------------------- > "It shouldn't work, but we may have no other alternative." Ikari said > finally, directing the comment toward the Captain. Rick: They ain't gonna? Tsuneo: You know, if Rebecca was here, she would have inserted a very dirty comment about now. Dan: [Misato] You never know. This is a lemon, remember? [Gets hailed with cushions.] Rick: You couldn't help it, could you? > She blanched a little. "Do you think that is wise, sir?" Rick: Let's see, hmmm... My wife's dead now... You seeing anyone? Besides- Others: Ritsuko, we know. Rick: You sure she's not here? > "We have no choice." Dan: I really don't want to think about that one. > With that, the doors slid shut, leaving the two > people to stare at its light surface. > Tenchi finally got entirely fed up. He turned to Katsuragi and > demanded, "What is going on?" All: HOORAY! Natasha: It speaks! Rick: At last! Intelligence! > The Captain, on her part, looked a lot more stressed then she did > previously. Natasha: And torn and tattered, but never mind. > She looked at the determined man before her and sighed. --------------------------------------- Dan: Ugh! Must- fight- perspective- changes! > "Uh, Shi-, Natasha: Language! > no, Masaki-san, you remember that big ugly black thing outside, right?", Rick: You mean the one wearing the glasses? Tsuneo: Ouch. > I asked. Tenchi nodded. I continued, "Well, we're here > to stop it, and I'm afraid that you're going to have to help us do so.", > finishing the sentence with a weak smile. All: [Laugh weakly] > Someone pokes me in the back of the head. Tsuneo: With a jackhammer, sending my brains spraying everywhere. Rick: I wish. Natasha: Not that it would make much difference, mind. > "Katsuragi-ichii, was beer > the only thing that you had for breakfast this morning?", Rick: Probably. > a woman's voice > rang out behind me. I spin around, along with Tenchi, to see who was doing > the speaking. > "Ah! Ritsuko!" Rick: [Misato] Hi honey! [Dan clouts him with a cushion again.] > I place a hand behind my head and laugh nervously. I > look to her side and see that she has brought a boy with her also. I > giggle, "So, was this event a 'Bring-Your-Own-Boy'?" Dan: Owie. Tsuneo: Pain! Natasha: That was disgusting. > I flinch at the three > people staring at me, and think, "Boy, was that a loss... dumb mouth." Dan: You said it! Rick: This fanfic's a loss! > Ritsuko speaks, Dan: By moving her mouth and running air through her vocal cords, but that's not important right now. > "Katsuragi Misato, this is Ikari Shinji... you know, > the boy that you were supposed to pick up." Dan: [Misato] I didn't even know I was going on a blind date. > I smile at the boy, who seems indifferent. Rick: At least he got Shinji's character right. > Ritsuko looks at Tenchi, puzzled at the resemblance. Dan: That is: none. Others: [Shouting] WE KNOW! > She smiles, "Ah, who is this?" Rick: The man with the N2 mine in his pocket. Natasha: Ew! > I say, "This is Masaki Tenchi, I, uh, picked him up before the Angel > had a chance to squash him. Dan: [Misato] He followed me home. Can I keep him? > Masaki-san, this is Dr. Akagi Ritsuko. Rick: You know, giuven that he had to live with Washu, and especially given her attempts to collect samples, he would feel right at home with Ritsuko. > You'll > find her to be a lot nicer than Ikari Gendou, the guy you just met. And > your "twin" Dan: [Misato] Who you don't look anything like, but I'm calling you twins anyway. Rick: This _is_ Misato we're talking about. After about nine in the morning, I bet everyone looks the same to her. > is Ikari Shinji, as you most likely know by now." I can feel > Ritsuko's eyes bore a hole in my head, Tsuneo: AACK! Thump! [Tenchi] I know she was dumb, but did you really have to do that to her? > and I think that there really is > more than meets the eye when it comes to those two. Rick: Well you already figured that one out with Tenchi. Dan: [Shudders] Don't remind me. > I press the down > button on the elevator, and the four of us walk inside. I look at the > panel of buttons inside of the elevator, and Ritsuko reaches around me and > presses the button marked 'Terminal Dogma.' Rick: I'll bet that's not all she pressed. Natasha: [Bhuddist monk] I'm sorry, but my karma has run over your dogma. > Ritsuko says, "Misato-san, perhaps if I accompany you, you won't get > lost this time, ne?" Tsuneo: Oh, she'll manage it somehow. > Of course, Ritsuko says that playfully, but without a > smile... that's her way. Tsuneo: No, she says it to drum into Misato the fact of just how worthless she is. > I nod, remembering the several hours I had spent > in confusion wandering around the HQ. The elevator door shuts. --------------------------------------- Tsuneo: Thank god! The end! Dan: Not yet. Rick: Be strong. > Sasami Tsuneo: AARGH! [He collapses to the floor in a dead faint. The others ignore him.] Natasha: Wimp. > looked at her surroundings. She could still see a big dark > spot in her vision Dan: Who just happened to be touring during the Angel attack. Rick: That was lame. > from the intense brightness that had overtaken her > before. She could make out various beds, Rick: I have an impending sense of lemon. > and the smell most definitely suggested a hospital of some kind. Dan: That's a relief! > As her eyesight cleared completely her > theory was confirmed. It was an infirmary, there were trauma bunks lining > the walls, about four to a side. What soon demanded her immediate > attention was the fact that one of the beds was occupied. Dan: [Sasami] What are those two doing in that one bed I wonder? Natasha: Naughty boy! > She walked up > to the prone figure, who was bandaged up pretty good, and whose wounds > looked only minutes old. Rick: DEFINITE lemon alert. > The first thing Sasami noticed about the person was that they were > female, and young. Couldn't be more than thirteen years old or so. Natasha: I suppose this is where we get to the lesbo schoolgirls in sailor suits, right? Dan: I don't want to think about it. > The > next thing she noticed was how much like herself she looked, only with > lighter skin and shorter hair. [Dead silence] Rick: What? Dan: Are you trying to tell me that that's Rei - and they look ALIKE?!? Rick: For starters, Rei looks older. Dan: And her hair's a lighter colour. Rick: And she doesn't have freckles. Dan: And her eyes take up less than half her face. Rick: And she's got a nose. Dan: Amd her hair doesn't have an antigravity function. Rick: On the other hand, they do have something in common. Dan: What? Rick: Both dress up in sailor suits and blow bubbles at silly monsters. [A cushion shoots up from the floor and hits Rick. Tsuneo gets up, and reclaims his seat.] Natasha: Welcome back. Tsuneo: Thanks... I think. > She was almost tempted to open an eye to > see if it were the same color as hers. She'd never met a human with > anywhere near the eye color she had. Natasha: Or the hair colour for that matter. Dan: And you won't in this place. Rick: And you're saying that Rei's human? Dan: My point exactly. Tsuneo: Grr... > It almost scared Sasami to death when the still figure's eyes came > open suddenly. Rick: Of course, given that this is her all bandaged up, that should be in the singular. Dan: Anyway, I thought she was busy fighting Sachiel. Rick: Smile. Dan: Or about to be dragged into Unit 01's cooling tank. Rick: Nod. > Once she got over the initial shock, curiosity reigned, and > she peeked into the girl's face again. Red, not pink, but red. How close > it was almost made Sasami's heart stop anyway. Rick: Try harder next time. Dan: And that red does not look anything like Sasami's pink eyes. Rick: Pink eye. Definitely pink eye. > The girl looked over at Sasami almost passively. "Who are you?" She > asked in the most monotonous voice Sasami would ever want to hear from a > seemingly living creature. Rick: [Eccles] You call dis living? Tsuneo: Do you know what I like about Rei Ayanami. Dan: No. Tsuneo: Her passion. Rick: [Worried] Okaaay. Right. I'm going to assume that was a joke. > "I'm Sasami." She replied cheerfully. "Pleased to meet you." Rick: Great. Incessantly chirpy meets death in a plugsuit. Natasha: I think I may vomit. > She bowed slightly. Tsuneo: And fell over. Dan: Carefull. Lesser things have resulted in lemons. > The girl looked on, unblinking and expressionless. Rick: Yup! This guy's got Rei's character perfect! Dan: What character? Rick: See? Tsuneo: You take that back! > Sasami was > beginning to reevaluate her previous conclusion that this person was > actually alive. Dan: Smart move. Natasha: Very observant, you little munchkin. > "What are you doing here?" Came the next query. Tsuneo: [Sasami] I'm in one of the worst setup scenes ever in a bad lemon crossover fanfic. > Of course, Sasami didn't even know *where* she was, never the less why > she was there. "I'm not sure really. I'm here sort of by accident you > see." Rick: Best way to get into an emergency ward. Tsuneo: The writer had too much to drink the previous night. > She wasn't sure how much she should be telling about her origins > either so kept it simple. She smiled a bit. "Um, would you mind telling > me where I am?" Natasha: [Rei] You're in- [Gets hailed with cushions.] Tsuneo: Stop stealing my lines! [Gets hailed with cushions.] > The girl's face still didn't alter in the slightest. Rick: Acting! > If she thought > the question was odd, she showed no signs of it. "You are in the > infirmary." She answered simply. Dan: Well, that's _really_ helpfull. Rick: You know, has she ever considered a career as a systems analyst? Tsuneo: How about technical support? Natasha: Nah. To nice and friendly. Dan: To warm and caring. > Well, I know that, thought Sasami. "Yes, um, what city is this?" Dan: Obviously, she missed the blatant sign in the middle of the city. > She > glanced out the window and saw a totally unfamiliar skyline. Though, she > had to admit, by the landscape, it seemed she was still in Japan. Rick: Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't we have the Second Impact, which sort of did in the landscape? Dan: And how can she tell it's Japan anyway? Especially if she's in Nerv's infirmary which is underground. Tsuneo: Actually, they use one in Tokyo 3 all the time. Dan: So what's Rei doing there during Sachiel's attack? Tsuneo: Um... > "This is Tokyo 3." > Sasami spun on the girl again. Dan: I'm sure we can don something with that one. [Natahsa reaches inside her jacket] Uhh... Maybe not. > "What?" She blurted out, unable to contain her outburst. Rick: She said Tokyo 3! Listen for once! > "This is Tokyo 3." She repeated. Rick: See! Tsuneo: Okay, okay, Rick. > Sasami wasn't sure what to do. The city outside the window was most > definitely not the Tokyo she knew. It seemed much more futuristic for > one. Dan: In what precise way? > She almost slapped herself in the forehead. Tsuneo: But missed. > Of course! she thought, > Washuu's machine must have put her in the future. But how far? "What time > is it?" Rick: 10 to death? Natasha: Time to end this fic? > The girl glanced at the clock on the wall. "Nine forty-one." Rick: [Bored] B-doom tish. Tsuneo: [Bored] Ha ha whoopee. > Okay, thought Sasami, let's rephrase that. "What's the date?" > "It's February 4, 2015", the pale girl answered. > Okay, so she'd traveled nineteen years into the future. Now, how to > get back? Sasami got lost in thought for a moment. As she was pondering, > a loud crash sounded from outside. Knocked out of her reflecting, Tsuneo: Causing the mirror on the opposite wall to stop showing her reflection. Dan: Tsunami's reflection. Tsuneo: Fanboy. Rick: Whatever. Hopefully it fell on her head and killed her. > Sasami > ran to the window to see what was happening. What she saw outside both > frightened and overjoyed her. For, outside, mecha-Ryo-ohki was there. Tsuneo: Along with the stolen grammar checker. Rick: We have comma sign!!! > Unfortunately, she seemed to be fighting something, something very big, > that seemed to be winning. All: YAY! Rick: Go Sachiel! --------------------------------------- > Washu traversed the time-stream, looking for the crucial moment. Tsuneo: Where someone had decided to write- [Gets hailed with cushions.] > The > instant where the future of Earth was sent down the path to imminent > destruction. Tsuneo: When the fic was written. [Braces for impact] What, nothing? Dan: No complaints there. > She was finding it more difficult than originally anticipated. Tsuneo: She had to read the stupid thing to find out. Dan: I feel sorry for her. > She turned into another lateral tangent, and started > searching another trillion vertices. Tsuneo: That's one hell of a search engine. Rick: Maybe it's the new UN Yahoo! > "Tokimi, I'll find you." She muttered, the words scattered to the > ages. Dan: And I won't even begin on how much THAT one mucks with the fundamentals of Washu's character! ---------END PART ONE---------- All: HOORAY! > Thanks for reading... send comments please! Tsuneo: He asked for it! > The second part of this will be worked on soon. Natasha: We can wait. > The first part was devoid of any lemon scenes to > promote story and character growth. All: WHAT??? Natasha: Gggrrr... > Till next time > PMasters > and > Katsuragi Misato ^_^ [The coffee table picks itself up and hurtles across the room, smashing itself through the screen of the TV] Natasha: That made me feel MUCH better. Voice: Gee, thanks. Natasha: It deserved it. Dan: Go on, tell us she was wrong. Voice: [Ignoring him] So guys, commentary? Rick: Put simply: it sucked. Crap characterisation, terrible POV, irritating scene changes, bad writing and of course its a lemon. Supposedly. Added to that, it drags together two fundamentally incompatible shows. Tsuneo: The worst thing about it was the sheer stupidity of the whole thing. The authour didn't seem to have thought it through, and made sure that the characters didn't have a single brain cell between them. Plus it was so OOC that it wasn't funny. Dan: It just... felt wrong. The whole idea of that crossover is bad to start with, and to have the lemon element hanging over our heads just made it worse. I'd love to know where he gets his delusions about the characters' similarities from. Natasha: I have never read an aminay fanfic before and I never will again. My only regret was that I didn;t smash the TV earlier. Voice: Uhh... right. Anything else? Tsuneo: Only that anyone who thinks they're Misato should seek professional help. Voice: Fine. Well, that's today's job over and done with. You're free to go. Tsuneo: So, Natasha, are you going to be joining us full-time on this? Natasha: Yeah, right. Rebecca can have her stinky job back. Dan: I'm not sure wheather to be relieved or not... [The screen goes black] Rick: That's another two ships to sink. *A damnably good flight sim - go play it! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Closing theme: Fry me to the Moon by Natasha] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan & Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Jinas' world: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/index.htm RPG info, amateur fanfics and official Bubblegum Crossfire material. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "Why did I have to lose him now, and in this war field?!" I make the > car swerve around a corner, and then it hits me. Natasha: [Laughing] That's some pretty bad driving! Dan: [Laughing] Sweet! Remote-controlled cars!