Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Number 68 - An Evangelion Slayers crossover. No, I don't mean "More of Cruel Lina's Thesis." I mean... Someone else wrote one. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Slayers is copyright (fill this bit in) "Evangelion/Slayers" is copyright Wanderer D ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.] [Dan and Rick enter] Dan: I was so embarrassed. Rick: Sorry about that. Dan: You didn't have to snore so loudly, did you? Rick: Look, I said I was sorry, OK? Dan: I still don't see what was wrong with it. The girls were hot. Rick: What? Whatshername King of the Indecipherable Accent, Dr Christmas Beetle who was little more than set dressing and Juventud Geurrera? Dan: What? Rick: The girl onm the start. I sear she looked like Juventud Geurrera. Dan: You're right, you know. [Tsuneo and Rebecca enter] Tsuneo: Who'd want to be a Bond villain anyway? Rebecca: No-one with half a brain, that's for sure. Dan: I dunno. It could be kinda fun. Until Bond blows you away, of course. Rebecca: Case proven. Dan: Look, you get to be surrounded by beautiful scantily clad women. What more could you want? Rick: Competent personnel? Dan: OK, so your witless minions may be daft, but they usually come with their own sets of unique features. Rebecca: And horrible deformities. Dan: Exactly. I mean, take Jaws. If that guy isn't a walking conversation starter, I don't know who is. Rick: On the other hand, he'd have a hell of a time getting through airport security. Dan: And you get to build your base in some exotic foreign location. Rebecca: Of course, said base has a blatantly obvious "Blow up secret HQ" button. Dan: Oh that doesn't matter. No-one presses it until you're dead anyway. Rick: Which happens within fifteen minutes of you falling victim of one of the biggest weaknesses of bond villains. You capture Bond, tell him all your plans then leave him to die alone and unguarded. And you have the gall to be surprised when he shows up alive. Rick: And as for those scantily clad women, they all end up falling for Bond and betraying you. Dan: But it's fun in the meantime. And you get to engage in maniacal laughter, which I always thought was a heck of a job perk. Rebecca: It does have stress relieving properties. Dan: And there's good old union relations. If you don't like a minion, just have him shot. Rick: Well I'm not convinced. What do you think, Tsuneo? Hello? [He waves his hand in front of Tsuneo's face] What's with him? Rebecca: He's probably just fantasising about that Bond girl playing Rinoa. You know, whatshername king. Tsuneo: I am not! Rick: Sure. [A knock is heard at the door. Tsuneo walks up and opens it to possibly one of the strangest sights in the multiverse. Within it stands a 5'8" pizza delivery person. In and of itself, a delivery person is nothing special,... provided that it's human. It's not. Humaniod. Two arms. Two legs. Speaks English - y'know, the usual alien jargon. But this alien is notably feline (tiger'ish) and a teenager to boot. He has ruffled black hair and big blue eyes. He wears jeans and a white collared T-shirt. Yet its most distinguishing feature is neither the light fur on his face nor the tail swaying behind it, was the bouncing Pizza atop its baseball hat. His nametag reads Yuki.] Rick: Lynxara,... you look... different... somehow? AHA! I got it! You got rid of your breasts! Dan [smacks Rick over the head]: You idiot, that's a guy and he's got a name tag! [The delivery fur looks somewhat confused and pulls out a cue card] Yuki: [reciting]Pizza and chicken, what ho and glee/Thank's for buying Pizza Mystery/ You eats your fills and tries your lucks/And please tip the delivery guy five bucks.. Tsuneo: That's quite possible the WORST poem I've heard to date. Yuki: Does that mean I don't get a tip? Dan: Nah, here's your tip. Leave while you can. Yuki: Um... I have a delivery here for [reading] the Great Big Voice in the Sky? Voice: That would be me. Dan: Too late. Rick: Hello oh-disembodied one. Did you send us snackies? Voice: Let's call it a reward for good behavior. [Rick snatches the Pizza box while everyone else strolls to the couch] Rebecca [Eyeing a pizza slice warily]: That's Pizza? Yuki [Shrugs]: That's the mystery. Tsuneo: Well, you might well sit down kiddo. Looks like you're in the thick of it now. What did you bring to drink? Yuki [looks in paper bag]: I've got one Mountain Dew, one Diet Cola a can of WD-40 and a Mr. Pibb. Dan: Cool. [He grabs the Pibb] Tsuneo: Saaaaaaaay.... you sound an AWFUL LOT like a hackneyed author avatar version of one of the authors of Cruel Lina's Thesis. [All stare at Yuki] Yuki [sweating]: What? Who? ME? NAH! No... never heard of them. Voice: Funny you should mention CLT Rebecca: What? You've got chapter 5? Yuki: Impossible, we haven't writ... er. Nevermind Voice: Yes. Well. Actually, someone else decided that crossing Evangelion and Slayers was a good idea. All: What? Rick: Joy. [They sit - Rebecca and Rick facing the TV, Dan and Tsuneo on the sideways couch. Yuki pulls up the computer chair and sits.] > "I can make it Gourry! I know I can!" Lina Inverse shouted. Rebecca: Voice, you didn't say this was a lemon! Voice: It isn't! Really! > She skidded to a stop. Rick: And Lina steals home! The crowd goes wild! Yuki & Tsuneo: [Bored] Hooray. > She wiped her white hair off her face, as she prepared the Giga > Slave for a second time. Dan: Nice knowing the universe. Rebecca: What I'd like to know is what can soak more than one giga slave? Tsuneo: The next stupidly powerful arch-monster they run across? Yuki: Noonsa the Fish-Man? Rick: Goldberg? > "Lina! Don't!" Gourry shouted back, as he also stopped, followed by > Zelgadis, Amelia and Naga. Rebecca: Continuity also ground to a halt, but no-one really seemed to care. Tsuneo: Reminds me of *another* EVA/Slayers fic we saw. Yuki: Hey, that wasn't me. > Lina quickly muttered the spell, and as the > black energy shot forward, everything became black. Yuki: Oh great, now we get an Ebonics lesson > Gourry and the others stood around a large bed, where Lina lay. Tsuneo: She'd been run down by a sixteen-wheeler scene change. > Her hair was still white even after a week. Naga had said it was because > she had used two Giga Slaves, Rick: Since when has Naga known these kinds of things? Rebecca: She's just making it up. > one after the other. Dan: Thank you for the small details. > Gourry hadn't believed her at first, Yuki: He really knew that it was because Lina died her hair. She was really a natural blonde > but Amelia and Zelgadis confirmed her words. > Right now Naga was talking to one of the many healers that they had called, Rebecca: What did he do to deserve that? > right now none had come up with a cure for her. Yuki: Pity that they could not save the grammar either. > She was physically well, but she wouldn't wake up. Rick: My guess is she's trying to sleep the fanfic out. > Finally the healer left. > Gourry looked at Naga as she informed them that this healer hadn't been > able to anything. Tsuneo: Yes but what could he do? Rebecca: Say, why is Naga speaking for all of them? I'd never elect Naga as my party spokesman. Rick: I also remember something about Amelia being trucked down with white magic. > Naga watched Gourry with a little preoccupation. Yuki: It's a small job she got before starting on her REAL occupation; a Victoria Secret model > Amelia, had turned around with teary eyes, and Zelgadis managed to look > depressed as he stared at the roof. Tsuneo: So what else is new? > But Gourry... Gourry had just sat down > and looked at Lina for 18 hours straight. Yuki: [Gourry] My god, should I tell her that she has a piece of broccoli between her teeth? It's just so ugly. I mean,... I really should DO something... > Finally, Naga reached a decision. Yuki: [Naga] That's it. I'm selling my Amelia to the circus and then I'll retire to a quiet life of abstinence and contemplation atop a mountain retreat. Rick, Tsuneo, Dan & Rebecca stare at Yuki. Yuki: What? > "Gourry... I think I know a way to help her..." Dan: Silicone! [Rebecca whacks him with a cushion] > the blond swordsman grabbed > her by the shoulders as he looked wildly at her. "You know a way?! Why didn't > you tell me before?!" Dan: [Naga] Because I was too torn with grief. Rebecca: [Naga] Because I'm a airheaded bimbo. Tsuneo: [Naga] 'Cause I'm playing this on the fly. Yuki: [Naga] 'Cause the author just thought it up. Rick: [Naga] Because I was too absorbed with my own breasts to care. Rebecca: Isn't that was I just said? > "Well... that's because there's a little problem..." she said as she tried to > get free. "What?! DO YOU NEED ANYTHING?! THE TEETH OF SHABURANIGDO!? A MAGIC > POTION!? HAIR FROM THE LORD OF NIGHTMARES?! Dan: [Gourry] A DNA SAMPLE OF EVA 01? Rebecca: [Gourry] A TONAIL OF SATAN? Rick: [Gourry] A bra that could actually conceal your cleavage?! Yuki: [Gourry] A MR. PIBB?! Tsuneo: You HAD to add that in didn't you Yuki: Yes. Yes I did. > JUST TELL ME! I'LL GET IT!!" Dan: Gaurry never gets it. > "Uh... no! I however need you to get off me!" Dan: [Gaurry] Aww... I like it here. > With that Naga zapped Gourry. > "Okay. Here's the deal. The spell I told Gourry about Tsuneo: Pardon me, but when did that happen? Yuki: I think we were just set upon by another scene change. > will surround Lina in a > cocoon, which will remain intact until she has gathered all her energy and has > woke up. When she does that, the cocoon will break letting her out. She will > remain as she is until that time has come, and even will gain a little more > power, since she might stay there for quite some time." Yuki: So let me get this straight. She's in the pod until she gains all her power... and when she's got all the power, she'll come out... but by the time she comes out she'll have more power than she started with? Dan: [patting Yuki on the shoulder] It'll hurt less if you just don't think about it. > Zelgadis, who had been paying attention and had all the time looked nervous, > turned to Amelia. Dan: Poor Zelgadis. He fell in the cursed spring of the drowned destructive drama queen. > "I wonder why she hasn't laughed like a maniac yet..." he > whispered. Yuki: Don't jinx it Zel. Tsuneo: That's probably the only humour in this entire story. Treasure it. > Amelia shrugged. Rick: You don't know much, do you? > "The real problem about this spell is Tsuneo [Naga]: We need a lot of Mana for it and we don't have enough lands. > that Lina might wake up now, tomorrow, in 100 years, 1000... Rebecca: Talk about your oversleeping. > you get the idea. In which case we will be very dead." Yuki: [Naga] Except for Zelgadis, who's made of stone and Xellos who's in league with demons and whatnot.... oh and probably Amelia and I 'cause we're mages,... but you. You'll be dead. Rebecca: On the upside, Hey Hey It's Saturday might have been cancelled by then. Hogan might even retire for good. > "But, will she live?" Gourry asked. > "Yes Gourry, she'll live." Naga said seriously. > "Then that's enough for me." He replied. Tsuneo: Am I the only one here who thinks this is a pretty stupid plan? Rebecca: Of course, they could just keep her in the cocoon until they could round up a really good healer like Sylphiel, but never mind. > They had gathered in a small chamber made of stone, Dan: The outside toilet? > a small altar supported > Lina's prone body above the ground, they all gathered around her, as Naga had > instructed. Tsuneo: Naga's in charge? This plan is doomed. > Gourry walked forward and placed the sword of light in Lina's hand. Rebecca: It's only his most treasured possession and a family heirloom and he only said that he'd never give it away, but never mind that right now. > Then, > after a moment's thought, he softly kissed her in the lips. > Naga looked at him questioningly. > "I think she always wanted it." He said simply. Rick: Nah, she'd've liked more tongue. > "The sword or the kiss?" Naga asked a little amused at Gourry's silence. Dan [Gaurry]: You mean I get to keep one of them? > "Well then, let's start!" Zelgadis muttered. > "Not yet. We're missing someone." Naga answered. > "Who?" Amelia asked. > "That would be me." said a voice from outside the room. Yuki: NOONSA! The fish man! Tsuneo: Will you stop it with the fish guy already? > Gourry scowled as Zelgadis placed his hand on is brow. "Xellos." Rebecca: Of course, if Xellos is around then she'd know not to use the Giga Slave and would be able to use the Ragna Blade and none of this damned fic would have happened. Great. > The golem muttered. "Great." Yuki: My thoughts exactly. > "Zelgadis, Zelgadis... why the long face? Aren't you happy to see me?" Dan: Who would be? Rick: A million stroppy female fanfic writers. > Xellos asked as he walked inside. > "I'm in Nirvana." Zelgadis growled. [Yuki starts headbanging to everyone else singing "Smells like Nirvana"] > "Xellos? What are YOU doing here?" Gourry asked suspiciously. Rick: I could say the same for Naga, actually. > "Lina's my friend!" Xellos answered. Yuki: That's his excuse and he's sticking to it. > "Okay, okay, if you really need to know..." Dan: [Xellos] You can bite me. Rick: [Xellos] I'm sorry, but that's on a need-to-know basis and quite frankly, you don't need to know. > Gourry nodded and Xellos walked up to him and put his hand to cover his mouth > as he whispered softly in Gourry's ear. "That... is... a... secret!" > "Okay. We're all here, let's start!" Naga said impatiently. "Xellos, if you > intend to help go stand in your place!" Rebecca: Actually, he's just here for the after-spell party. > To everyone's amusement and surprise, Xellos did as ordered. > As Naga began her spell, and the others joined hands to give energy to the > spell, Yuki: Hold the phone here... You're trusting NAGA to cast this spell, with two INFINITELY more qualified mages here! > Gourry looked at Lina as she was slowly covered in a pale cocoon, until > nothing more could be seen. Dan: Nice dissolve. > -------- > "They never cease to amaze me." Xellos muttered. Yuki: This is what you get for signing up with the FFML, folks. > "They blow up the world once, > then they go and build machines based on what blew it up in the first place!" Rick: Well, at least they know they're good enough. > He had watched enough. Rei Anayami had been seriously damaged when her capsule > had thrashed around the room, Dan: It had crashed into the mosh pit. > and Gendo was trying to open the capsule with > his bare hands. He suddenly stopped. He had felt a familiar tug in reality. Tsuneo: [Xellos] Destiny alteration... The hell? > "Well. Will I be!" Tsuneo: I dunno, will you? > Xellos smiled softly then, leaning on his staff, he laughed before disappearing. > Ritsuko turned around. "Did anyone hear that?" receiving only blank stares she > shrugged and let it pass. Rebecca: [Maya] Ritsuko's scaring me again. Dan: [Aoba] I tell you, she's flipping out. It's that damn rubber fetish, I swear. > "Hmm. It's seems to be just as it has always been. But... there's a small stirring." Rick: I sense a disturbance in the force, one I have not felt since... > Xellos looked pensive for a moment. "YES! This will undoubtedly prove to be VERY > AMUSING!!!" Yuki: I bet he and Gendo have had some VERY interesting talks. > -------- > 'Another unfamiliar ceiling.' Shinji thought looking up at the white lights of the > hospital room he was sharing with the unknown redhead. All: I hate this place. Tsuneo: Unknown redhead? Oh gods, no. > He had noticed shortly after he had woken up, since had had been facing her bed > when he opened his eyes. He turned again and looked at her. She was still unconscious. Rick: Fanfics do that to people. > Shinji turned again to look up at the ceiling, when he heard a soft moan. > The girl had opened her eyes, and was looking around dazed. Rebecca: [Lina, dazed] Has Naga stopped laughing yet? > Since he had nothing else to do, Shinji decided to make the first move. Yuki: Queen to king's bishop 4 Rebecca: Shinji, you saucy bastard! > "Hi." > The girl looked at him, then placed her hand on her brow. "Where... where am I?" Rebecca: Stuck in a crappy fanfiction. Yuki: [Sarcastically] Oh how original. Dan: I suppose you could do better? Yuki: Nah, I just wanted to rag on the iron maiden for a bit. Tsuneo: Hey, you take that back! Rebecca: Damn straight. Tsuneo: ...She ain't no maiden. [Rebecca wacks Tsuneo with a cushion] > "You're in a hospital. Dan: That helps. > Probably in NERV HQ," Shinji offered helpfully. Rick: You mean you don't know either? > "Wha... what's a hospital?" The girl asked again, sitting on her bed. Rick: It has twelve hit dice, carries treasure types Q, D and L, has a goring attack, is invulnerable to Ice magic and is worth 5,000 XPs. > She looked around. "Where's Gourry?" she looked around again and sighed. Rebecca: Hanging out with Waldo, no doubt. > "That idiot! > He's probably eating something right now and didn't invite me! Arghhh!" Yuki: Oh yeah, MY first response to waking up in a strange new world is where's the food. > Lina stood up from the bed and studied her surroundings. She then noticed > something. She looked younger. "AHHHHH! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!?!?" Tsuneo: A near fatal plot contrivance, I'd guess. Yuki: Any reason why that cocoon made her younger? Rebecca: The writer said so. Tsuneo: So she can pilot an EVA. Dan: So she's got an excuse for having such ridiculously small breasts. Rick: To attract the vital youth market? Yuki: Forget I asked. > She > shouted, looking down at her younger body. Shinji looked at her strangely > as she checked her body over and over again. Rick: [Lina] You DARE to gaze upon the mighty Lina Inverse whist she is fondling herself? WA-TAK! Dan: [Shinji] Is this what they call a woman? I always thought they were bigger than that. > "What happened!?" She grabbed Shinji by the shirt and pulled him up to > meet her gaze. Tsuneo: We're trying to figure that one out ourselves. > "Great! Just as I was starting to develop breasts! Rick: Remember, Slayers is all about breasts. Dan: You make it sound like a bad thing. > You. You must know something!" Dan: She doesn't know him very well, does she? Tsuneo: This is the start of the series. No-one knows anything, except Gendo. > "I don't know what you're talking about!" the young boy stammered. Yuki: Well, that settles it. The kid's obviously a virgin. > Lina let go of him and slid to the ground. "Great, just great." She then > noticed her surroundings. Rick: Took your sweet time. Dan: Guess who failed their perception roll. > "Hey, I've never seen a place like this...where are we?"Shinji shrugged. > "We're in a hospital. I already told you." Lina looked at him blankly. Tsuneo: [Lina] Did you? Uh... I forgot. > He > then remembered that she didn't know what a hospital was. "Basically it's a > place where hurt people are treated." Comprehension dawned in Lina's brain. Rebecca: [Lina] Is there a way to get food? > "Oh, a healing house. So, where are the healers?" Dan: It's Wednesday arvo, they're all off playing golf. > Shinji's eyebrow raised. Rick: [Shinji] Do you smell what the third child is cooking? > "Healers? Oh, the doctors. I don't know." Tsuneo: [Shinji] No-one tells me anything. > Lina thought for a moment. "You > said we were in NERV HQ?" he nodded. "What is NERV anyway?" Rick: [Makes buzzer noise] Never, ever ask what Nerv is. > Ritsuko and Mistato stood to both sides of Gendo as he watched his son talk > to the strange girl. Yuki: RAPID SCENE CHANGE ACTION! Rebecca: [Gendo] My little boy's growing up. It almost brings an expression to my face. Yuki: [Ritsuko, whispered] Yeah, his little boy needs to grow up. > "Any information on her?" Gendo asked. > "No, sir. Nothing. There's no record of her existence anywhere." Ritsuko answered. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Say, where did we find her anyway? Dan: [Gendo] Never mind. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Did it have anything to do with that purple-haired man- Dan: [Gendo] NO! NO! Nothing at all! > "Run some tests on her, Dan: Hook her up to the machine that goes ping. > and keep looking for information, Rick: Say Gendo, did you ever think that nothing might actually mean nothing? Yuki: [Gendo] Silence, lower-ranked being! > I want to know why the Eva unit grabbed her. Dan: It's desperate for a piece of ass? Rebecca: Really, *really* desperate. > And... double check the database." Misato and Ritsuko nodded. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] I suppose the fact that we've already been through the database and found nothing doesn't mean anything to you, does it? Dan: [Gendo] Well... Check it again. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] He's such a genius. Rick: [Misato] Uh... Whatever. > "You don't know what NERV is!?" Shinji asked amazed. > "Well, excuse me if I don't!" Lina asked. Tsuneo: She's never even heard of the Thrashing Gonberts. > "Where have you been the last 15 years? Yuki: [Lina] Okay, funny story... > NERV is the last line of defense against the Angels." Rebecca: [Lina] The what? Rick: [Shinji] Oh dear. Now it gets difficult. > Lina blinked. > At that moment Misato entered. She looked at both of them, then smiled. Rebecca: [Lina] Oh my god, it's like Naga all over again! > "You did very well Shinji. I'm impressed on how you handled the Angel." Tsuneo: [Misato] I would never have thought to freak out and have a psychotic episode. > "Yeah, next time you have your arm torn apart tell me, so we can compare notes." Yuki: [Shinji] Hey?! Where'd this spine come from? > Misato bit her lip. She hadn't expected that answer. Rick: Score one to Shin-boy. > "Anyway. What is your name?" > "Lina. Lina Inverse." If Lina had expected a reaction from any of them she was > disappointed. Dan: [Lina] Damn. Here was me hoping that thirty-point reputation would get me somewhere. > "Well, Lina, we think you are okay to go, but before that, we > want to make some tests, just to be sure." Tsuneo: So why tell her that she's okay to go? > Lina nodded absently, still thinking on what Shinji had asked. 'where have > you been the last 15 years?' Rick: Sitting on top of a mountain in Tibet. Where do you think? > Gendo, looked up at Ritsuko, Rebecca: [Gendo] Was it good for you? Dan: [Ritsuko] What? Had you started? > he held a file containing the results of the > extensive tests they had done to 'Lina Inverse'. Rick: Ie: an empty folder. Dan: Now calling herself the Artist Formerly Known as Lina. > "Are this accurate?" Tsuneo: Yeah, but your grammar isn't. Yuki: Just ask one of the smoking craters that was an outer suburb. > Ritsuko nodded. "She has no knowledge of history, Rebecca: She's from the past, and she doesn't really know anything. > but she'd pretty good with everything else. Yuki & Rebecca: IfyaknowwhatImean. Dan: You mean like cars, computers, TVs, that kind of stuff? Tsuneo: Yep. Dan: Any reason? Tsuneo: Because. > Except for Geography. Yuki: [Ritsuko] She couldn't find the USA on a world map, so we assume she's from there. > She didn't recognize anything, and she also has no > knowledge of the Angels, the second impact, or NERV. Tsuneo: So she isn't really that good with everything, is she? > Her story never slipped, so she's telling the truth. Dan: Or she could be a really good liar, or delusional. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] I'll need you to define a few terms for me then. Like Shabranigdo, Giga Slave, Sword of Light, Ragnar Blade... Rick: [Ritsuko] She also mentioned something about a huge-breasted, cackling maniac, although Misato denies knowing her. > Her physical test > indicate that's she's in very good condition, although she didn't > seem very enthusiastic about sports. Dan: It involves work, you see... > We also made a test to see if she was > compatible with the Eva units, since she's 14, her initial sync rate was 48%. Yuki: Dude... You stuck a strange girl inside a massive killing machine just to see of she "might" be able to pilot it? Rick: Nerv. We care. No, seriously. > She also had a sword with her > along with a couple of things, Yuki: A "Hello Kitty" backpack. Rebecca: A barrel of radioactive waste. Dan: A wonderbra. Tsuneo: Three ritualistically dissected plush Pikachus. Rick: A jar of pickled onions. No wait, that was an eyeball. > but we checked them and all seemed normal." Tsuneo: I'm worried about the wonderbra, though. > Gendo looked interested, to say the least. Rebecca: [Gendo] I wonder if she'll sleep with me? Yuki: [Gendo] Is that wonderbra my size? > "Very well. Hand her over to Misato, Dan: Famous last words. > and tell her to watch her closely. Also, offer her a place as a pilot. Rick: Offer her? It sounds like she has a choice. > She might prove useful. Yuki: [Gendo] Or we'll all die, either way it'll be a blast. > One more child means one more possibility for success." > Ritsuko nodded and left, leaving Gendo alone with his thoughts. Tsuneo: [Gendo] I've got to make another booking with my *hairstylist.* [Glares at Yuki] Yuki: Hey, like I said, not me. > "Lina?" Lina turned to face Ritsuko as she approached. Ritsuko gave her clothes > back. Rebecca: Okay, I think Ritsuko's fetishes are getting *way* out of hand here. Dan: So is she going to be wondering around in her sorceress outfit? > "Where will you go now, Lina?" Rick: Anywhere that's got an all-you-can-eat buffet. Yuki: Planet Hollywood-2! All: ... > "Oh, I don't know. Probably wander about, try to find my friends. Why?" > "We were thinking, that you show a lot of promise, and we would like you to > work for us as a pilot." Ritsuko smiled. "Who knows, maybe you'll save the world." Dan: [Lina] How much does it pay? Rick: Makes me wonder about the effect of magic and EVAs combined. Tsuneo: Don't go there. Yuki: Oh don't worry. HE won't. All: ... > "Oh, great. I get to do THAT again..." Lina muttered. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] But we just finished doing *that.* > "Pardon?" > "Oh, nothing. Can I think about it?" Yuki: [Ritsuko] No, now get you ass in that big red machine and start leveling property! > "Sure. Just don't take too long, you never know if the world will still be > there when you've finished thinking. In the mean time, you'll stay at Misato's." Tsuneo: Rule number one of EVA fiction: *Everyone* stays at Misato's. > Lina nodded, she figured she didn't have someplace else to go anyway. And > they might help her find Gourry and the others. Rick: Think about this for a second. Do you really want to? > She walked behind Ritsuko, > and for the first time since her arrival to this place she started to take > in what she saw. > First the hospital. Dan: Yes, thank you fic, but we know what a hospital is. > She had never heard about it, and there seemed to be > something wrong with the lights. Yuki: They were off! [They all gasp in horror] > Then all the gizmos that she had seen in > the last few hours were much more advanced than anything she had ever seen, Rick: What, like the cloning machine at the Sairaag alchemist's guild? > those computer things, the mechanical arms, Rick: The Manos Manipulator Arms! > and everything else made it seem that she was dreaming. Dan: One look at Gendo will snap her out of it. > The all the names and places they had mentioned that > she didn't know about, and she had traveled around the world all the time! > Then the strange clothes, nobody seemed to use swords anymore. Tsuneo: Despite the intense lobbying of the NSA, the Sword Control Lobby had finally won out. > Even the guards didn't. Dan: Actually, a typical guard would have a pike or similar polearm. Rick: Hey... is that Ensign Throwaway over there? Tsuneo: No, it's a generic disposable master ninja delivering a pizza. Yuki: Hey, it wasn't me already! > When she had asked Ritsuko about that Ritsuko had said that > a sword wouldn't do much against a bullet. Yuki: Not to mention that it MIGHT be illegal for a 14 year old to carry weapons and whatnot. Rebecca: This is an EVA fic. All the 14 year olds carry guns. At least. > Misato looked at Lina a little worried. She had been silent all the time, > and had looked out the window in a way that wasn't normal. Rick: Do you mean like Rei does, or what? > Not that there was a specific way to look out a window, Yuki: I'm sure someone has published an "idiots guide to looking out windows." > but the way she was looking outside, Dan: Man, this "looking out the window" scene is so intense. > it was as if she was in an alien world or something. Rick: So it is just like Rei does, huh? Tsuneo: No, Rei doesn't leave her mouth gaping wide open. > Shinji wasn't much help either, since he kept to himself and > his walkman. She sighed this didn't look good. Tsuneo: Track 25 *again?* > Lina let herself fall in her new bed. Yuki: [Lina] Ow! Dammit missed again. > This was too much for her mind to understand yet. Yuki: [Lina] I mean, I was standing still, and fell back down, but I missed the bed. I just don't get it. > She needed to rest. She sat down on her bed and checked the large bag they > had given her. Rebecca: Whaddya know, it's a bag. For a minute there, I was worried. > Inside she found all her stuff, earrings and such. Between > those however was a small black ball. Rick: What, had she raided a billiards table or something? Tsuneo: No, it's a Barugon egg. > Knowing what it was she set it aside and finally dug out the large cloth > covered object at the bottom of the bag. She slowly uncovered the object. Dan: The Ark of the Covenant? How'd that get in there? > Shinji had just got dressed after his introduction to Pen-pen, and decided > to check on Lina. Rebecca: I wonder how Lina would adapt to living with a feral mutant penguin? Rick: Consider who she usually hangs around with. Dan: Yeah, after Amelia, Pen-Pen is an upgrade. > He was glad she had shut her door and hadn't seen him running around naked. Rick: Thank you for the small things. Rebecca: She wouldn't have been able to contain her laughter. Dan: Are you kidding? Lina and Shinji are a perfect match. > When he approached her door he heard a loud thump and a soft moan. Yuki: Hey! The Voice promised that this wasn't going to be a lemon. > Thinking something was wrong, he slid it open. Lina was on her knees on the > ground. Infront of her, was a half sheathed sword. Tsuneo: What, the sword was in the bag? That thing's got to be at least four feet long. That's one heck of a big bag. > Shinji had never seen a real sword, Rebecca: Insert your favorite euphemism here. Yuki: Mighty Oak? Rick: Toothpicks. [Yuki nods in agreement] > and studied it carefully. > "Hey, Lina, what's the deal with the sword?" he bent down to pick it up. Rebecca: [Shinji] I've never seen anything that *big* before. Rick: This scene is very Freudian. > "Don't touch it!!" > Shinji jumped back startled. Lina slowly crept towards it and grabbed it. > "It must be a fake, it must be a fake..." Yuki: Are we talking about Misato here? > She pressed something Shinji > couldn't see and pulled out. The only thing that came out was the sword's > handle. Dan: [Shinji] I think you broke it. > A tear slid from Lina's eye as she slowly stood up. > "itmustbeafake!" she stammered. "Sword of light, come forth!" Immediately a > white light shot out of the sword's handle. Rick: [Shinji] Big deal, Issei's got one of those. > Shinji was so scared that he just fell down on his butt. Yuki: Thank GOD he didn't wet his bed. > Back at NERV HQ; > "Sir! We have an energy signature!" Ritsuko announced. Tsuneo: Why's Ritsuko working on the monitors? > Gendo turned around in his office and glanced at the monitor. "Blue?" Rebecca: Actually no, it's more of a turquoise. > "No sir, we're trying to pinpoint it's location... wait, it's disappeared." > "Did you manage to locate it's point of origin?" Dan: [Ritsuko] Er... Tokyo-3. Rick: [Gendo] You're no good at this, are you Ritsuko? Dan: [Ritsuko] No sir. Rick: [Gendo] So why isn't Maya doing it? Dan: [Ritsuko] Um... > "No, sir." > "Very well. Keep an eye open for future reference." Tsuneo: You mean she's got to watch that monitor 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, just in case it pops up again? > As the monitor turned off, he looked again at the information they had > gained on Lina Inverse: namely... nothing. Tsuneo: Just to restate what we stated. > "If this is another of Seele's meddling..." Tsuneo: Which doesn't start until much, much later in the series, but never mind... Rick: Those wacky guys at Seele, what'll they think of next? > With a sob, Lina had called back the sword. And looked at it longingly. "I > had always wanted to have this sword." Dan: Someone could take that the wrong way. Rebecca: Don't you remember how hard she was trying to get her hands on Gaurry's weapon? Dan: My point. > She put it back in the sheath. "But, > now... Gourry would never let go of it willingly." Yuki: Yeah, that's what we thought too. Tsuneo: There's this little thing called being out of character, and we're hip deep in it. Yuki: We're hip deep in something else, too. > Shinji had slowly crept > back until he had hit the wall with his back. Dan: Then he just tried to osmosise himself through it. > He then just sat there watching > Lina. "Hey guys!! Dinner's ready!!" Misato called out. The change in Lina was > almost magical. Rick: Funny har har. Dan: [Lina] Food! Must have food! Rebecca: Poor Lina doesn't realise what she's getting herself into. > She stood up so quickly, that all Shinji could see was a blur. > The next moment he was seated next to Lina, who had dragged him along. Yuki: Hrm, mood swings. I think they gave her a little to much medication at the hospital. Tsuneo: [Lina] Enough with being sentimental, there's FOOD to be eaten! Rick: Question: Could Lina eat Misato's cooking? Rebecca: Question: Is there anything Lina couldn't eat? > While Shinji was certainly distressed by having to drink beer, Tsuneo: Geez, no-one ever forced him to. Rick: Except possibly Tom. > Misato was > pleased to notice Lina didn't have any problems with it. In fact, she seemed > able to outdrink her! Yuki: Bull, Only NAGA could do that. Tsuneo: Funny, I recall *someone* pointing out some supposedly startling similarities between Naga and Misato. Yuki: That wasn't me, dammit! > Never one to be left out, Misato started a competition. Half an hour later, > Lina and Misato were still at it, Shinji had lost consciousness after his second > can. Another half an hour later everyone but Pen Pen was unconscious. Tsuneo: And there you have it folks, the most summarized version of the Cruel Lina's thesis Drinking Scene. > ---------------------------------------------------------------- > Okay, maybe not what you expected, Rick: Actually, I kind of expected CLT. > but really, if Lina had started firing > fireballs at everything in sight, the crossover wouldn't be possible, Yuki: Pity that... Rebecca: On the upside, it would have been more enjoyable. And IC. > anyway, if you really need an explanation, think of it this way: Rebecca: It's just a fanfic, I really should relax. > If you were > there, would you really react violently towards people that seemingly saved > your life? Rick: Who is this we're talking about? > In any case, if you want a disclaimer go HERE. Yuki: Where do we go if we want to destroy you? [Rebecca jumps up in shock a second before Yuki pulls out a railgun which summarily atomizes the television] Yuki: .... There can be only one... Eva/Slayers crossover. Tsuneo: Where the heck did you pull that from? Yuki: Same place Rebecca does. Rick: Hammerspace? Yuki: No, the SAME place Rebecca does. Rebecca [rubbing her but and glaring at Yuki]: and if you go there again I'll show you what a progressive knife can REALLY do! [She hits Yuki with a cushion] Voice: What did you think, guys? Yuki: Personally, I'd have rather drink the WD-40. This fic was... bland. It makes assumptions of characters actions that would never occur if they were actually in character. And Lina has more gross mood swings than a manic depressive. Rick [sulking]: And not even a single tasteless breast joke about Naga. Yuki: Except from us. Rick [happier]: That's true! Tsuneo: they got both shows so wrong. All the slayers stuff is serious up to being morbid, whereas a lot of the EVA stuff is comedy relief. That and it's such a stupid crossover idea... Yuki: [Cringes] Sorry. Dan: It was really dull, actually. Nothing much happened except for an overdrawn set-up. And there was no explanation as to where Lina came from or why Xellos was there... Not that he needs a reason. Rick: I want to know why Naga's the one who comes up with the clever plan to save Lina's life. I mean, not only is she (supposedly) Lina's arch-rival, but she's also a total moron! I could buy this plan coming from Zelgadis or Amelia, but even then it'd be a pretty stupid one. Rebecca: And could someone please explain to me why Lina was younger when she came out of however many thousands of years of suspended animation? And why she didn't come out until she was more powerful? That doesn't make sense. The only reason I can see for her being 14 years old is so the authour has an excuse to put her in an EVA. Of course, it's not the age that's important. It's when you were born. Yuki: That was... Er, what was it? Dan: You get used to it. Yuki I suppose I'd better scoot then. Rick: Nah, stick around. Have some pizza. Rebecca: Or what passes for it. Yuki: I'm not sure that's a good idea. Rick: You mean you're not willing to stand behind your company's product? Yuki: I'm not willing to stand anywhere near my company's product. And what about my tip? Tsuneo: Get a better job. [The screen goes blank] Dan: Say, this Pibb stuff ain't so bad. Rebecca: You worry me, Dan. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) and Trevor Laughlin Yuki is copyright 1999 Trevor Laughlin Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1999 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1999 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Another half an hour later everyone but Pen Pen was unconscious.