-------------------------------------------------------------------------- With the Temps list narrowed down to the finallists, the Crisis is drawing to a close. Who will be the final "Fourth Elmer?" And can we get through the fic without anyone dying? Mike: I'm trying to make a statement here about how bad this fic is... Something profound and funny... and... and... Oh heck with it: I like pie. Outlaw Star is copyright Sunrise Sting, the Devil's Angel is copyright OutlawAngel ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A miniature zepplin floats around the apartment.] [Tsuneo and Rebecca enter. Rebecca is carrying a clipboard] Tsuneo: Remind me, how exactly did you wind up as the one to pick the winner? Rebecca: Because I've got the flashier clipboard. Mine's got a calculator on it. Tsuneo: Damn. So how did you determine who would be the winner, or did you just arbitrarily pick Tango? Rebecca: I did not! Tsuneo: But it's him anyway, right? Rebecca: Excuse me! I had a complex, highly-detailed and thourough selection method. Tsuneo: You just picked him. Rebecca: [Ignores him] I compared each of the candidates on the basis of their riff to text ratio; their number and quality of riffs; their audience appeal; their property damage value, both actual and potential; quality of Christmas gifts; minute-by-minute breakdowns of the ratings; market focus groups' responses; projected merchandise sales; and how badly they hurt Dan. Tsuneo: So did that work? Rebecca: No. Instead we ended up playing a three-player Super Monkey Ball festival, but Andrianna ran away screaming. Tsuneo: ... Rebecca: I declared Tango and Sarah the co-winners. Maybe we can replace Dan as well. Tsuneo: I would love to say that's a surprise. Really, I would. Rebecca: On the other hand, Sarah plays a mean game of Super Monkey Ball. Tsuneo: [Sighs] So when are they due? [Sarah enters] Sarah: Whenever it is, it's too soon. Rebecca: Nicely called. Tsuneo: I hate my life. Sarah: Join the club. Tsuneo: So where's Tango, said he, not sure he wanted the answer. Rebecca: Unfortunately, Tango couldn't be here today, so he's sent his replacement... [She reads from the clipboard] Franklin Delano Minicon the Third, Ruler of Upper Moldavia including the five outerlying kingdoms of Cornnuts, Underwearstain, Toejam, Festenburg, and Casenpoint Tsueno: Honestly, you should know what that means by now. [The door swings open. They all look at it worriedly. A few seconds pass and Tango flies in through the window, surfing on a large steel shield, firing arrows from an ornate bow as he goes. He drops and rolls when he lands, springing to his feet, and pulls out a journal.] Tango: [Writing] Day 35. Killed a million Orcs. Got to watch impromptu Dwarf-throwing match. Need to get Gandalf's secret bleach formula. Still have the prettiest hair. Sarah: That was a surprisingly current reference. Tsuneo: You seem oddly used to him by now. Sarah: Believe me, after three hours of rolling monkeys across the screen, you get used to anything. Rebecca: Only three? Sarah: Yeah. Then we took a break to beat up yellow rodents, block-headed racers and Italian plumbers. It was almost normal by comparison. Tango: When I grow up, I want to be just like Mr. Game and Watch. Tsuneo: What, two-dimensional? Tango: I've been practicing! I can also get it up to five. [Pause] Thousand. Sarah: I got used to Tango fairly quickly. After a while, I stopped caring. Tsuneo: Could you teach me how? Voice: Morning all- Ah, nuts, it's Tango. Tango: It is? I must flee! [Tango dives out another window] Rebecca: Well hey there, Dark Kaiser. How's life in the Deathsaurer's gut? Voice: Much better since- [Tango walks in through the door] Never mind. Sarah: I can't believe I'm actually here doing this job. I can't believe I let myself get talked into this. I can't belive I keep coming back. Tango: I can't believe it's Thursday! Boy, it sure sneaks up on you! Tsuneo: But it's Friday. Tango: It is? Drat! I have to catch it! [He dives out the last remaining window] Sarah: Is it drafty in here? Rebecca: You know, this is pretty odd, even for him. Tsuneo: Next time he shows up, remind me to keep my trap shut. [Tango enters through the door again] Tango: Next time I walk in, keep your trap shut! Tsuneo: I'll do that, trust me. Voice: Can we please get on with this? Sarah: Well, we've got the choice between standing here watching Tango throw himself out the window, or watching the fic. Right now, I'm not sure which is better. Tango: I can do a run-up this time. Sarah: Forget it, we're out of windows. Tango: I keep a spare in my pants! Tsuneo: Put it this way. Eventually, the fic ends. Sarah: Bring it on. [They sit - Tsuneo and Sarah facing the television, Rebecca and Tango on the sideways couch] Rebecca: I suppose it's more of Sting's amazing something? Voice: Something like that. [The TV switches on] > Sting: The Devil's Angel > Chapter 2. > Space Pirates-To the Rescue??? Tsuneo: You don't know? You're meant to be writing this! Tango: Last week on Justice League: Hawkgirl hits stuff! > Hope u like! Tango: hop i can spel > Outlaw Angel Rebecca: When Sachiel attacks, part 6. 8:30 on Fox! Tango: [Sachiel] What's my motivation for this scene? Sarah: You're a big radioactive monster and you're meant to stomp Tokyo. Tango: [Sachiel] Guys, I'm getting typecast here. > Cheers! > *ROAR* Tsuneo: Bleagh. > Annoying disclaimer: Sarah: At least the author's honest. > I admit, I forgot this in my first chapter~ Rebecca: The plot? > but anyways, here it is. I DO NOT own > Outlaw Star or its characters, etc, etc, etc. But one day I will! Tsuneo: [Authour] I'll buy out Sunrise! Just you wait! Rebecca: However, there's an odds-on chance that you do own Bubblegum Crisis. > You'll all see!!! MUWAHHHAHAHAHAH! Tsuneo: Is it a bad sign that the authour's got more personality than the fic? Tango: BWAHAHAHAHA! What did you say? Sarah: When do I get paid? > Ill rule all anime one day! Rebecca: For now, they have to make do with Mad Bull 34, the Tekken OVA, Legend of the 4 Kings and Medabots. > then you'll se! > MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Tango: I'll be all mighty! I'll be all powerful! I LIKE GUNS AND CHEESE! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Rebecca: Grant Morrison ON! [Hits him with her metal arm] Tango [Namer]: We have destroyed ourselves with own creation! Sarah: Well that was wierd. Rebecca: And obscure. > ahem. sorry bout that.^.^ Tsuneo: What was that? Rebecca: Smiley with a bullet between the eyes. > "Ok, so, there are 15 crimes already! Tango: And we haven't even gotten to the establishing shot. > What are we gonna do? We have > to find some sort of pattern, Rebecca: At each crime scene, we found a huge hole in the floor, the safe blown open and a white embroidered glove left behind. But I just can't see the connection. Tango: This is clearly the work of those no-good punk teenagers. > so we can figure out where they're > gonna strike next!" Tango: So far, they've been on a string of armed robberies of online stores. > Sting was perturbed by the fact that they hadn't > foundthe thieves of a major crime wave." Tsuneo: Question. Isn't that what the police are for? Sarah: Yes, but is the author avatar a policeman? Tsuneo: No... Sarah: So that's why the police aren't handling it. Tango: They're gettin' ready for some FOOTBALL! > We gotta pull ourselves Rebecca [Sting]: Out of bed before noon. Tsuneo [Gene, muttered]: Not happening. > together, here!We're losing it!GAHHHAAAAAHHHHH!" Sarah: Who's losing it? > "Whoah, calm down, Sting! Tango: Put down the baseball bat and come down from the rafters! > We will find the thieves, Ok? Tango [Cheif Wiggum]: They'll be in a stolen house in the middle of the Mississippi river. > What we're > doing now, is pulling ourselves together Sarah [Sting]: Jim, get my spare right arm from the kitchen. > and going over the facts to > find a pattern." Jim was trying to calm her. Tango [Sting]: This is insane! I can't figure it out! There is no pattern! It doesn't make sense! SPINEBUSTER! SPINEBUSTER! This is the greatest night in the history of our sport! Rebecca: Grant Morrison ON! [Hits him with her metal arm] Tango [Namer, Badly dubbed]: It is Zoidzilla! I must flee in badly-dubbed terror! Aieee! Tsuneo: Never, ever do that again. Either of you. Sarah: Can I go home now? Voice: No. If I have to be here, so do you. Sarah: Nuts. > "Well, ok."Sting began pacing the main room Sarah: You're wearing a hole in the floor. Tsuneo: Sting, you could just let the others figure it out. Sarah: Look at how they acted in the last chapter. By now, they probably can't figure out doorknobs. > of their warehouse where they lived and ran they're business."I'm > just, so, frustrated!"she said, exasperatedly. > "I know. I feel the same way, but yelling isn't gonna do any good." > said Jim. Tango: IT ISN'T? I'm sorry, I seem to be having trouble controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!!! Sarah: [Zaps Tango with her Taser] All better now? Tango: I am the queen of France... > "Oh, I know, Jim, I know, I'm just........so..........well, you know > how I feel!" Sting replied halfheartedly. All: Frustrated. > "Yeah, we all know." Gene put in as he entered the room. Sarah: You've been yelling it out for the last seventeen hours. > "But, I think Gilliam may have found some sort of Tsuneo: Plot? > minor pattern. It's not much, but at least it's not nothing." Sarah: They'll only have to commit another ten robberies before you find another clue... > "A pattern?!? Show me!" Sting got her enthusiam back and a spurt of > hope as well. Rebecca: Well, as you can see, if you draw lines between the locations of each crime scene, it begins to form a shape. Tango: It's an arrow. And it's pointing right here! Tsuneo: [Gene] Say, how long have the neighbours had a death-ray zorcher? > "Alright, slow down. There's no rush.Gilliam!!"Gene called. > "Yes, Gene?" Gilliam came into the room on a metal bar resembling a 1 > railed track. Tsuneo: Random question: Why does Gilliam's rail get described, yet everything else is left vague? Sarah: Never mind that, where did that rail come from? Tango: That's none of your damn business! > "We wanna see the pattern you've found."Sting replied anxiously. Rebecca: [Sting] It spells out the letters "F-U-C-" Oh, my... > "Just a moment. please. I will bring up the information." Tsuneo: [Gilliam] It appears that they are trying to rob every cake store in the city. > Gilliam made > some wierd clicking and humming sounds a few seconds, then projected > a holographic pictures. Tango: [Gilliam] This is the third moon of Endor. As you can see, this is in no way a trap. > "As you can see, all the things stolen were some sort of lab sample- All: Eeewww! Tsuneo: [Gilliam] Not that sort of sample. > they were all either DNA or Genetic enhancment samples, actually. Rebecca: The suspect was 6' 4", wore a chainmail hat, had a bleached goatee and muttered endlessly about his "freaks." > and oddly enough, all the places hit > were done in the order of most renouned on genetic experimentation > and on down the list. Tsuneo: And you're seriously telling me no-one else has figured this out yet? Rebecca: Well, the investigating team consists of Chief Wiggum, Polly Page and Officer Barbrady. > I believe the next place they will hit is GXL, > or Genetics Xperimentation Labrotories." Sarah: Yes, they're so advanced they can't spell. Tango: [Geeky] The X will make it sound kewl. > Sting was deep in thought. Suddenly, in the silence..."What were they > DNA samples of, Gilliam?" Tango: ME! Tsuneo: Like they said, what is it a sample *of?* > "Well, they were all either Ctarl-Ctarl Dna samples or else isolated > dinosaur DNA that scientists managed to extract from recently > discovered fossilized insects and amber. Rebecca: Won't they be amused when it turns out they've got DNA samples of Mussasarus, Protoceratops, Othonolestes and Ptsicattosaurus. > Why?" Sarah: The author just watched Jurassic Park for the fifth time. > "Well, I think that they may be trying to create some sort of super > creature-or else super human. Tsuneo: With that stuff? Rebecca: Yeah, well it's going to be a laugh trying. > I'm not sure > what they are planning to do with what ever they're trying to create > just yet though."Sting said thoughtfully. Tsuneo: A furry Tyrannosaurus? Sarah: A Ctarl-Ctarl who turns into a giant lizard? Rebecca: A previously undiscovered species of Lemur? [Ding!] Tango: The worlds' biggest cheese sandwitch? > "A super creature?"Jim gaped at her incredulously. Tsuneo: Yes, and they're going to use it to stop Godzilla. And there's absolutely no chance of it going wild and stomping Tokyo on its own. For real, this time. > "But-genetic > experimentation is supposed to be really dangerous and 50% of the > time fatal!" Sarah: The failures usually end up dead, or, at the very least, funny looking. A lot of them, however, end up dead and funny-looking. Rebecca: Like you can talk. Sarah: This taser is still loaded, I hope you know. > "Really Jim, I don't know what they're trying to pull, but we may > never know if we don't get to the lab that Gilliam said is the next > target. Rebecca: [Sting] So why are we standing around here taliking about it? Tsuneo: [Jim] Yes, why don't we go there? Tango: [Gene] Yes, we really should get moving! Sarah: [Suzuka] I left three hours ago. > I'm going to call them and tell the officials there that we > think they may be the next hit and that we plan to wait there till > they are hit so we can try and stop it before it really happens. Ok > everyone?" Tsuneo: As soon as they sort out what you said, sure. Rebecca: The dreaded space pirate Sting, who is in fact Excel! Sarah: And the authorities are really going to believe a wanted space pirate hanging around with a bunch of outlaws. > "Fine with us! We'll go get the ship ready!" Tsuneo: Ship? You mean this crime spree is on another planet? Why are they so worked up about it? Sarah: It's the plot, okay? It doesn't make sense, but they've got to hit it anyway. > "Good. I'm going to make that phone call now. Come on Kinoki." > "Meow!" Tango: I agree wholeheartedly. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rebecca: It's the Guylos army with their hoard of Molgas! > *On the Phone* Sarah: Such stunning location shots. Rebecca: Welcome to the GXL support line. For genetic enhancement, press 1. For b-movie monsters, press 2. For clones, press 3. For Tasmanian Tigers, press 4. Tango: If you are Scott Steiner, please stop calling us. Thank you. > Sting : "Hello? Is this the president of GXL?" > "Yes, it is. Who are you, and what may I help you with?" Tango: [Sting] Is your refrigerator running? Sarah: Do you have Prince Albert in a can? > "Well, it's about the crime wave going around......" Tango: [President] I CONFESS! Rebecca: [Sting] Wow, that was easy. > "What about it?" The voice on the phone had gone tense. > "Well, we're a bunch of bounty hunters Tango: Time for the compulsory Boba Fett joke? > after them and we've found a slight pattern in the crimes. We believe > that GXL is the next target. Tsuneo: Why yes, of course with all the rest of the genetic labs being hit, they'd never have figured that out themselves. > We'd like your permission to, well, kind > of wait there for the thieves to come so that > we can stop them before they get what they want. Sarah: [President] Lady, that's what we've got security for. Tsuneo: [President] Sorry about that, but we gave the job to the man with the afro and his dog. > If that's alright with you, of course." > "You'd what? Well, if we're the next target, and you can stop the > robbery, I suppose it wouldn't do much harm Rebecca: He doesn't know them terribly well, do they? > to let you stay and wait for them...........When do you think they >will come?" Sarah: It depends on whether they've sorted out that West Coast shipping strike. > "Sometime in the next few days. They do it weekly, another pattern > we've discovered, on the clearest night of > the week. I don't know why, Tango: It's so they don't have to draw clouds on their background cels. Do you know how long that takes? > but at least it's a clue. So we will be there in a few hours?" Rebecca: [President] Don't ask me. You're the ones with the dumb plan. Tsuneo: Wait, they're breaking out the ship and they'll be there in a few hours? It takes days to get anywhere in OS! > "Well, I, I suppose, if it will stop them from stealing our precious > DNA samples........... Tango: Which are currently guarded by a single eighty year-old man with a hearing disability. > yes, fine. We will have > someone waiting at the gate to let you in. Rebecca: This is an awfully imprecise operation. Sarah: Turns out the robberies were being commited by a bunch of bounty hunters posing as temporary security. Who knew? > Just tell him you're there to take care of a pirate problem. Sarah: [Sting] We are the pirate problem! Rebecca: [Guard] Who are you? Tango: Exterminators. Came about the pirate problem. Rebecca: [Guard] About time. They're all over the basement and they're eating everything. > He'll > understand. Well, goodbye then. I have some work to do now." Sarah: [President] I do run this company, you know. > "Bye." > Sting hung up the phone. > "That went better than expected, didn't it, Kinoki?" > "Meow!" Kinoki agreed. > "Sting!" It was Aisha. "The ships ready!" Sarah: [Aisha] That's all for me this chapter! I'm off to get my appearance fee. Tango: Say "Hi" to George Takei while you're there. > Aisha's voice screeched from somewhere downstairs and cut through Tango: Boomer armour like it was made of jelly! > Sting's head like a knife on top of the headache she had already. > "I'm coming, already!! Shut up, Aisha, please! This headache is bad > enough without you!" Rebecca: Anyone would think that Aisha didn't like her. I wonder why. > Aisha stuck out her tongue and bounced out giving Sting the > impression of a runaway rubber ball.......... Tsuneo: ...that's about right, actually. > Sting went and joined the rest of the crew, explaining that they were > aloud to stay and try to stop the robbery. > "I hope you're right about this, Gilliam." Sting said. Sarah: [Gilliam] I'm always right. Not that anyone ever listens to me. Rebecca: [Aisha] Did you say something? > "I am certain, Sting. I am not the average computer, you know." Tango: [Gilliam] I have pink heads. Sarah: Well, that makes *all* the difference. > "Alright, alright, don't fry a circuit, Gilliam.I just meant I hope > it is a pattern and not a false trail........."Sting replied. Tsuneo: How can it not be? It's all the same item, stolen from the same sort of companies! It's not just a pattern, it's blatantly obvious! > "Well, what are we standing here for? Rebecca: Didn't we do that one already? Sarah: This is the bit where they just pad out the script to fill out 22 minutes. If neccessary, use footage of Aisha jiggling. > Lets get going!" Gene had come in wondering where Sting had gone. Tango: [Gene] Quick, while she's not here! Now's our chance! > "Ok, I'm coming."Sting followed Gene out to the ship, where they all > got ready to leave. Tsuneo: You've been getting ready to leave for the last two scenes! > "Gilliam" said Sting thoughtfully after a few minutes. "What exactly > does Melfina do?" Tango: She's just Melfina. Rebecca: You've been here this long and you don't know? Sarah: She never asked. > "Melfina is the ship's navigation system. She links to the ship and > sets course and........." Tango: And stands around nekkid in a tube. ph34r her m4d n3kk1d sk1llz! Rebecca: She also controls the Galactic Leyline, but that's not important right now. Sarah: Well, half of her does. > "Ok, let me put it differently. What exactly IS Melfina on the ship?" Tsuneo: The token "Character The Authour Doesn't Like?" Sarah: No, that's Aisha. Rebecca: Or Suzuka. Sarah: Or Gene. Rebecca: I think she likes Jim, but I'm not ready to commit myself to that. > "Oh. Well if you put it that way, Melfina controls 89% of all the > ships systems. Rebecca: [Gilliam] The other 11% is in Gene's hands. Tango: [Sting] That's the bit that fell off, isn't it? Rebecca: [Gilliam] How did you guess? > Allowing the ship toe be self > sufficient with faster reflexes to attacks and faster responses to a > pilot's input." Tsuneo: [Gilliam] She also makes a great cup of tea. > "The Outlaw Star is a rather amazing ship." Sting was looking at > Gilliam. Rebecca: [Sting] Mine's better. Tango: [Gene] This is the greatest ship in the galaxy! Rebecca: [Sting] Well mine's infinity better! Tango: [Gene] Well mine's infinty plus one better! Tsuneo: [Jim] Will they just grow up? Sarah: [Aisha] Ha! None of your ships can compare to the might of a Ctarl-Ctarl battlecrusier! We Ctarl-Ctarl have the greatest ships in the universe. > "But don't you think that you should get a new look for your units? Sarah: [Gilliam] Wait til next month when we unveil "Ultimate Outlaw Star." > I mean really, a bunch of little soda cans running around. " Sting broke > off laughing. Gene joined in. [They all laugh cheesily] Rebecca: What were we saying? > "Soda cans! That's a good one! Ha hah ha hah! But, she has got a > point, Gilliam. You could use a new look. Sarah: Jim already did that, remember? > Maybe I'll get you painted purple." Gene laughed even harder. Tango [Gene]: And get you some mag wheels and flame decals and big subwoofers and you'll be fooly seek mate! > "Well, I certainly hope not." Replied Gilliam, indignantly. Tsuneo: [Gilliam] Maybe I'll autowash your bed tonight while you're in it. > "Purple would be most unsuitable for a ship of my performance and quality. Rebecca: Because it's a well-known fact that red makes a ship go faster. Sarah: It also attracts speeding tickets. This might be related. > I would certainly hope you are joking, Gene. > And of course my units are not soda cans." > "Cool it Gilliam. Don't blow a fuse box." Sting had stopped laughing. > "Now, how long until we enter ether drive, Gilliam?" Sarah: I didn't know you'd even taken off. Rebecca: I didn't know you'd even left the shop. Tango: I didn't know you were even born. > "2 hours and 15 minutes, to be exact." > "Thanks, Gilliam. I'm going to go look over the paper work on the > robberies. Ok? " Tsuneo: [Jim] Hang on, does that mean someone else is doing work around here? Tango: [Gene] Work? What's that? Rebecca: According to the police report, the suspect is a... Man. Who got away in a... Car. And he's not wearing a hat. > "That's fine, Sting. We'll pilot the ship and I'll send anything back > if I find it." > "Thanks Jim." > Sting walked out followed by Kinoki. Sarah: [Suzuka] Sorry to interrupt, but I'd just like to know if I'm even in this chapter. > "Well, Kinoki. We've been studying these robberies for an hour. > But........wait, what's this? Rebecca: [Sting] It looks like rabbit droppings. > I think I found something! I found another pattern! Tango: [Sting] It looks like a lot of black swans flying one way, and white swans flying the other. > It looks like-like they're going for only labs with > a history in Genetic Experimentation, Tsuneo: Isn't that what put you on them in the first place? > and at all of them, at all of them there is one > employee in common! Rebecca: Larry the rambling senile janitor and sledgehammer of plot! > At every one so far, about a week before the > robbery, a scientist named Dr.Sterin applied claiming expertise in > Genetics and then quitting after the robbery claiming fear for safety > of his experiments. Ha! They made one huge mistake. Sarah: They didn't count on anyone spotting the blatantly obvious? > They should have at least changed his name." Tsuneo: Am I the only one here who finds this more than just a bit ridiculous? Surely the police would have figured out that this one man who joins each company just before they're robbed and quits just after and is at every company that is robbed for a suspect? You'd think someone would have noticed after the first few times. Rebecca: [Hits Tsuneo with her metal arm] Grant Morrison on! Tsuneo: OW! What was that for? Rebecca: Scientific experiment. Tango: [Namer] Allow me to show you in a flashback. Sarah: Weirdoes. > Sting ran up to the cockpit waving the > papers. "Gene, Jim, Melfina! I found something!" Tango: [Sting] We're in space! [Long pause] Sarah: That explains a lot, actually. > Sting proceeded to explain about the scientist. Rebecca: Using diagrams where neccessary. > "Well, then that explains how they know of the top secret genetic > experiments. Tsuneo: So they let their new recruits know about their most valued projects straight away? Rebecca: I always wondered what on-the-job training for mad scientists was like. > And how they've been getting past security so easily." Gene replied. Sarah: They used visitor's badges. > Just then, Gilliam's voice came over the speakers. "We have arrived > at our destination. Genetic Xperimentaion Labrotories Space Station > is now in sight." Tango: They have their own space station? I must get one! Tsuneo: You had one. You lost it, remember? Rebecca: They called about that. They won't be able to put the new one in until the end of the week. Tango: Not fair! I want to drop it on Jaburo! > "Woah............:" Rebecca [Keanu Reeves]: Whoah. > The whole crew in unison, as they came into sight of the huge space station. Tsuneo: We'd be amazed if we knew what it looked like. Sarah: It's just a simple CGI overlay. Tango: The laboratory of Dr. Wierd, South Jersey shore. > "You mean that whole thing is one corporation?" Jim asked incredulously. Tango: And they still only have one guard? > "That's right." Sting had been here before, so was not quite as surprised. Sarah: She has? Rebecca: Yeah. She lost her frisbee over the fence. > "State your identity and your reason for being here." Rebecca: [Ignignoct] Hello Carl, I am Ignignoct and this is Err. Tango: [Err] I am Err. Rebecca: [Ignignoct] We are moonenites, from the inner core of the moon. Tango: [Err] You said it right. Rebecca: [Ignignoct] Our race is hundreds of years beyond yours. Tango: [Err] Can you hear what he's sayin'? Rebecca: [Ignignoct] Some would say that the Earth is our moon. Tango: [Err] We're the moon! Rebecca: [Ignignoct] But that would belittle the name of our moon. Which is "The Moon." Tango: [Err] Point is, we're at the center. Not you! Sarah: No, the real point is: I don't give a damn. Rebecca: [Ignignoct] Is your ego satisfied? Tango: [Err] Damn no! > The gate keeper requested. > Sting responded immediately. Tango: I am the keymaster. Let's get freaky! > "We're the crew of the Outlaw Star here > to take care of the pirate problem. Tsuneo: Hey Barney, do we have a pirate problem? Tango: [Muffled] No! Tsuneo: Nope, just headcrabs. Tango: [Muffled] AAH! Get it off me! Tsuneo: Barney, you crack me up. > We need to see the president immediately." Sarah: He's in a meeting. Rebecca: [Jim] When will he be done? Sarah: Christmas. Next year. > "Yes, of course, ma'am." The gatekeeper opened the hatch for the > Outlaw Star to dock. > Once inside, they were shown straight to the presidents office. Tango: By which you mean the boot of the president's car. > "Yes, thank you for coming." She said as soon as they walked through > the door. "I can't tell you how much we appreciate your assistance in > this matter." Rebecca: [President] Our security staff have been instructed not to snigger. > "Yes, it was no problem. But before we do anything else I need to ask > you something. Is there an employee here named Dr.Sterin?" Sarah: [President] He just left the building with great speed. Rebecca: [Sting] But we're in space. Sarah: [President] Oh dear. > "Why, yes." Replied the president, startled. "He just started working > here a week ago." > "You need to fire him, immediately. He's a space pirate. That's how > the robberies are so easy. Because they have an inside resource." Tango: Presidents don't fire people. The president will pass it on to the vice president, who'll pass it on to the junior vice president, who'll pass it on to the junior intern, who'll pass it on the the HR department who'll fire the purple monkey dishwasher. > "I will do that now." She pressed an intercom button. Tsuneo: [President] Yes, I'll warn him that we're onto him and speed up his operation. Tango: [President] I'll order him to clean out his desk by Tuesday. > "Serie. Please send up Dr.Sterin. Rebecca: With what he's wearing, I don't need to send him up. > It is extremely urgent." > "Right away, ma'am." > A few minutes later, a tall man in a labcoat walked in. Tsuneo [Dr Forrester]: Yes, mother? Rebecca: Then a Crimson Guard Grabbed him and lept out the window. > "You asked for me?" > "Yes. Dr.Sterin, I am deeply sorry to inform you that due to budget > cuts recently, we must release you." Tango: But they're going to keep Master P, the No Limit Soldiers, DJ Ran, Tylene Buck, David Arquette, and Tank Abbot. > "Wh-what?" Dr.Sterin looked very taken aback. > "I mean NOW Sterin." The president's eyes narrowed dangerously. Tsuneo: [Sterin] This doesn't have anything to do with the freaky bunch of Outlaws standing around in your office, does it? Sarah: [Suzuka] Don't mind us, we're not here. Well, I'm not here at least. > "Ye-yes, ma'am." Sterin left. > "Serie, would you please make sure that Dr.Sterin leaves immediately." > "Yes ma'am. I'll see to it." > "There. That takes care of that. Sarah: We've let him lose. > Thank you for informing me of this. > I cannot express my gratitude enough for how much you've already > done. Tango: [Gene] We take cash, cheques or credit cards. > Now, about payment............ well, I'll pay your docking fee > and any supplies you might need to pick up here. And after that, > here's 5,000 upfront and if you stop the robbery, you'll get 10,000 > more." Tsuneo: If you want to stop the robbery, why did you tell him to... AARGH! I've gone blind again! Rebecca: So they just rocket up, get her to fire someone, she believes them, and they get paid 15,000 Wongs for it? Tango: They're not outlaws, they're consultants! Sarah: I need to switch professions. > "15,000?" Gene's eyes widened at the thought. "And we don't have any > debts anymore, so we're actually making money for once!" Tsuneo: When did they pay off their debts? Sarah: I suspect Sting magicked them all away with her Plot Wand. > "Yes, of course." Sting replied absentmindedly. Being a space pirate, > she had dealt with much larger sums of money. Rebecca: Usually pulling it from people's cold, dead fingers. Tsuneo: Isn't anyone concerned about this? Sarah: They're too stupid to realize how stupid they are. > Her main concern was > stopping the Kei pirates (for that was who it was) from creating that > awful monster............ Tsuneo: How does she know all this? And why doesn't she tell anybody? > For 15 hours, the crew of the Outlaw Star waited patiently. Tango: Without toilet breaks! > Finally, > they were rewarded for their waiting by a small explosion nearby. Tango: That was Aisha. I told you they needed toilet breaks. Sarah: Will someone please tell me how this is a good plan? > They all ran towards it to find 25 people they presumed to be space > pirates boarding the station by force, Sarah: Boy were they embarrassed when they found out they'd just blown up the office Christmas party. > They noticed dr.Sterin among them.Sting pulled out her caster rifle. Tsuneo: When did she get a caster rifle? Tango: Obviously her super-ultra-mega-amazingly-I-cheat-at-Counterstrike- and-my-gun-still-isn't-as-good-as-this sniper rifle just didn't cut it. Sarah: I suspect it was the free prize in a box of Crackerjacks. > Gene also. Jim cocked a pistol and Suzuka her sword. Tsuneo: Suzuka cocked her *sword*? Rebecca: Yeah, it's an automatic. Tango: Automatic sword-chucks... now that'd rock! Sarah: Wait a minute, when did Suzuka get here? Rebecca: She was always here. Sarah: So why didn't the author mention it? Rebecca: Obviously didn't think it was important. > Aisha flexed her powerful hands eagerly > and grinned showing off her ctarl-ctarl fangs. Sarah: Big gun. Bigger gun. Pistol. Sword. Fangs. Something's wrong here. Tsuneo: Yeah, Aisha and Suzuka are in the scene. > "Let's get started then." Aisha growled maliciously. > "I agree. Let's do this quick and easy." Suzuka raised her sword. Tsuneo: [Jim] Yes, let's go! Tango: [Gene] Let's get going! Rebecca: [Sting] We won't wait here! Sarah: I do not know you people. Tango: [Jim] Let's not go and say we did. > Sting and co. Tsuneo: [Gene] Starwind and Hawking! > went cautiously after the space pirates, who had not seen them. Tango: [Elmer Fudd] Be vewy vewy quiet. We're hunting Kei Piwates. Eheheh. > They followed the pirates into a laboratory. Sting was the > first to attack. Rebecca: Whaddya know, she's got the highest DEX of anyone. > But the space pirate she had lunged at had been holding Sarah: A wet noodle. Tsuneo: Bootleg copies of Windows XP. Rebecca: A frost-free fridge. [Ding!] Tango: The ubiquitous foreign- I mean, "international" object! > a case of DNA shot samples. All: Oh. > He flung them at her and the box flew open, Tango: Great going, mailbox head. That's what we were trying to steal! > showering > Sting with needles and injecting dangerous chemicals and DNA. Rebecca: So the needles all hit her in major arteries, right? And then she fell on them all so they'd all pump into her, right? Tsuneo: More importaintly, why are there needles attatched to all the DNA samples? Sarah: More importaintly, why do we care? > "AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sting flew backwards covered on the shots. Rebecca: And crashed into barrels of strange chemicals. Tsuneo: And fell into a poluted river. Sarah: And was struck by lightning. Tango: And then a strange meteor fell on her. All: ORIGIN STORY! Sarah: No one knows what caused the origin of Grond... > "Sting!" Jim ran over to help her. "Sting, are you alright?" > "I-I don't know." She replied, pulling needles out of her arms and > stomach. "I feel fine, but remember what you said? Tango: Don't cross the streams! Rebecca [Sting]: No, that wasn't it. Tango: Use the element that brings life? Rebecca [Sting]: Nope, not that one either. Tango: Live long and prosper? Rebecca [Sting]: Nnnnnnnope. Tango: Dodongo dislikes smoke! Rebecca [Sting]: Got it. > Genetic > enhancement is supposed to be 50% fatal! I have a fifty-fifty chance > of not surviving." Sarah: And a fifty percent chance of becoming more stupidly powerful than you are now. Tango: Thus making you a genetically enhanced Part Ctarl-Ctarl Part Bio Android Part Dinosaur Goth Ctarl Ctarl Space Pirate with a Punk Cabbit! Sarah: I bet they did this just so they could make a new action figure of her. > "Um, I'm sure you'll be just fine, Sting." Replied Jim, in a voice > that was not his. Sarah: The stupid dubbers messed up. Rebecca: Hey! You leave Wendee Lee out of this! Sarah: Why? Rebecca: Because the alternative is Megumi Hayabaribishibashiwallwalladingdong. Sarah: Good point. > Sting passed out right then. Tsuneo: This is the part where you fall down. > The impact of so much running through > her blood now had exhausted her body. Sarah: Why yes, the pressure of all those extra *millilitres* of blood. > TO BE CONTINUED!!! > Please R&R! Tango: Rock and roll? Tsuneo: I'm, sure that's not what... [Tango pulls out a huge metal guitar attached to massive amps] Tango [Dr Weird]: Are you ready? > I hope u liked! Tango: it major suxxzorz teh lamr lololol rofl asl? > Outlaw Angel > Cheers! Tango: Tally-ho! Toodle pip! > ROAR Sarah: Meow. > ***** [Tango kneels in front of the TV and pulls a huge foam bazooka out of nowhere] Tango: FIRE IN THE HOLE! [He shoots a brightly-coloured foam rocket out of the bazooka which bounces off the TV screen. He stands and poses in front of it] Tango: My work here is done. [The TV spontaneously explodes dramatically in the background] Sarah: How'd that expl- Tsuneo: Don't. Sarah: But it was a foam rocket and- Tsuneo: No. Just... don't think about it. Voice: Well, um... Can I have your, ah, reviews now? Rebecca: I must say that I was very impressed with Sting's full list of credetials. I mean, a Genetically Enhanced Super Space pirate Goth Ctarl-Ctarl Bio-Android with a punk Cabbit? How many credentials one chractyer have? It's allmist like they had a random roll table for their chracter's bio. In fact, I think I could make one up... Tsuneo: It's hard to find anything interesting to say about a fic that is this generic. On the other hand, I guess that's all that needs to be said. Sarah: [Stands up] I have seen better fanfiction in my grocer's freezer. On sale. Half-price. [She sits] Tsuneo: You can buy fanfics in Hong Kong? Sarah: You can buy *anything* in Hong Kong. Rebecca: Tango, do you have one to do? Tango: Nope. Rebecca: Do you even remember the fic? Tango: Nope. Rebecca: Do you even care? Tango: Vegemite! Tsuneo: Well, that still leaves us to determine which of you two gets the job. Rebecca: Or we could just fire Dan. Tsuneo: *No.* We're not making this worse. But since Rebecca's grand scheme failed, I guess it's down to me. Sarah, would you accept the job. Sarah: On the whole, no. I'd like to say it's been fun, but in fact I'd rather be locked in a room with a family of mad badgers. In fact, I feel like I have. Rebecca: [Grins] Well that leaves only one option. Tango: I'm proud to be the worst case scenario! Tsuneo: Over my dead body. [Tango hefts the foam bazooka] We'll find someone else. Rebecca: But all the tests! Tsuneo: You rigged them. So far this has been nothing but a transparent excuse to make Tango a permament team member. Rebecca: Aww... Tsuneo: So we start again. Sarah: So are we done yet? [The screen goes blank] Voice: I think we were done long ago. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riffed by: Mike Surbrook (susano@guisame.net), Twin Cannon(ausmax@ihug.com.au) Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) & Zogster (jinas@elmerstudios.com) Sarah K. Ferrari is copyright 2001-2002 Mike Surbrook (Susano) Tango is copyright 1997-2002 "TS" Eliot (Twin Cannon) Tsuneo Tateo is copyright 1995-2002 Max Fauth (Zogster) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-2002 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. Surbrook's Stuff: http://www.devermore.net/surbrook/index/index.html Hero System goodness, including anime material, Kazei 5, the Kazei 5 PBEM, artwork, other MSTings, and a zillion character sheets. Now with added FRED! Rick's Cruel Mockery of HTML: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova Satori shrine, Osama Bin Laden's Camel, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp, all in one big steaming pile. Rick's Forgotten Joes: http://www.ugolino.com/joe/rickr/rickr.htm Rick's profiles of figures he is inexplicably fond of. See Headman '02, A figure he is strangely obsessed with and many other, er, unique samples. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aisha stuck out her tongue and bounced out giving Sting the impression of a runaway rubber ball..........