Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ And now for No. 11: War of the Past, Koopa's six-part epic, in an amazing 2 pages. Impressive... War of the Past is copyright Koopa, as if anyone else would write it. Teknoman is copyright 199something by Tatsunko productions and Saban "send to another dimension" Inc. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Disclaimer: It seems from what we have discovered that you Yanks and us Aussies got different versions of the Saban Show. First up, you guys got it chopped about halfway. So there are some gaffs in this heap that are not Koopa's faut. (Some.) From what I can tell, there are more differences then that. It seems that the Yank version has been further edited and watered down from the Aussie version. Added to this are some name changes that I have discovered, highlited below for the sake of translation... Aussie Version American Version Nick Carter/Blade Ness Carter/Slade Dagger Gunnar And now... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side.] [Tsuneo walks in, scratching his head. Dan follows him.] Tsuneo: Sounds like you guys had lots of fun. Dan: You should have been there. It was messy. Tsuneo: Pity I didn't get to meet these two. Dan: They were cool. So where'd you get to? The Voice said you were headed to Mongolia. Tsuneo: Yeah. I tried for the one place in the world that didn't have Sailor Moon. Dan: Very funny. [Rebecca and Rick enter.] Dan: So where'd you get to? Rick: As I was just saying to Rebecca, it was a very funny story. I ended up chained to the Russian embassy. And it was amazing who I met there. Dan: Who? Rick: That's the odd bit. I bumped into Tsuneo. Dan: Huh? I thought he was in Mongolia. Rick: He was! I chained myself to the Russian Embassy in Ulan Bataar. Rebecca: I didn't ask, but I must. Why there? Rick: I tried for the one place in the world I that didn't have Sailor Moon. [He grins] Dan: [Groans] Voice: Great to have you guys back. Rick: And if it was anyone but you saying that, I'd almost believe it. Voice: Aw, give me a break. Tsuneo: Why? You never do Dan: Ouch. Voice: ... Dan: So, we got any fanmail? [Tsuneo walks over to the computer and clicks on a few clicky things] Tsuneo: We've got some. First, here's some stuff from Mike Surbrook. [Dan begins drooling. Tsuneo and Rebecca sigh]. Anyway, here's what he said in relation to "Heart's Battleground"... > > "Talking about Shampoo, > Sandara: What kind of a twit calls their daughter that? > Mohan: The ones that know _Mousses'_ parents? > Sandara: [Grumbles] > Rebecca: Better than being named after undergarments, I suppose. > HEY! Trunks is *COOL*!!! Rebecca: Cute. Rick: Those two sounded fun. Tsuneo: There's more from him: > Rebecca: [Director] With long green tentacles that sting! [They all stare > at her.] Okay, no-one's gonna get that one, I know. > Hah! I happen to know that those tentacles ar econnected to the 12' giant > penguin that Scott has to fight while the blood goes psst, psst in slow > motion! > Great! Action! Rebecca: See! See! I _knew_ somneone would get it! [The others groan] Tsuneo: And here's one from Paul Fauth... > Thank you Mr Fauth. Ill as always I see? Dan: I don't know what to say.... Voice: Well, now for today's pay... Rebecca: So, what you got for us today, Mr. Voice? Rick: Please nothing Sailor Moon. Tsuneo: Or Tenchi. Rebecca: Or Ranma. Voice: Point taken. [Lengthy pause] Well, I've got a refreshing change for you. A Teknoman fanfic. Tsuneo: [His eyes light up] Alright! At last, something decent! Rick: And non-cutesy! Voice: It's a six-parter, so be prepared. Dan: Whoah. Rebecca: Shall we? Rick: Right. [Cracks knuckles] [They sall sit down - Tsuneo and Rick facing the TV, Dan and Rebecca on the other couch. Rick is closest to Dan on the couch edges.] [The TV Screen lights up] > War of the Past part 1 > Written by Koopa Tsuneo: Koopa? We're in the big leauge now. Rick [Borg]: Description is irrelivant. Paragraphs are irrelevant. You will be Kooperated. > When the planet Earth was attacked by the veminoids Dan: Veminoids? Tsuneo: Probably something like Venomoids. > the Earth was > totally unprepared for this. Little did the people of Earth know that > the veminoids attacked Earth years ago, in the years of king Arthur, > nights Tsuneo: Obviously they hadn't invented days yet. Rick: These Veminoids are obviously very busy critters. > and kingdoms. Dan: So why the hell is there still a planet Earth? Rick: Shush and read the fic. Rebecca: Or maybe its just that Veminoids aren't as bad as Venomoids. Tsuneo: Enough with that one already. > Years ago the veminoid war load Hellraiser Tsuneo: So he's big and fat, is he? Dan: [Hellraiser] Tekno-drop! Squish! > was sent to take over Earth and make the people into evil Teknomen. Rick: There's the plot, folks! > Hellraiser has > a lieutenant named Darkon. Darkon was a very young and fast thinking > Teknoman. There was another Teknoman named Colt. He is the same race as > Darkon. (any one notice Darkon is not human?) Dan: Actually, he... Rick: Shush, boy, and read the disclaimer at the top of the fic. Tsuneo: Hear that sound? That's what's left of the Fourth Wall. Dan: Okay. [Ahem.] Why couldn't he be? > The veminoid ship has only 3 > days until they reach Earth. While the they wait Darkon and Colt rejuvenate > in their pods Tsuneo: From what? Rick: From having the Fourth Wall fall on them. Rebecca: Not funny. > so they will be ready for the strike. Suddenly the ship is > attacked. No panic takes place for the Spider-Crabs that run the ship run > it telepathically. Dan: Pardon me for saying this, but Spider-Crabs couldn't run a picnic raid. Tsuneo: And your point is? > Hellraiser is awakened from his sleep by this attack. > Hellraiser demands to know what is happening. One of the Spider-Crabs > telepathically tell him that a ship from the recently over taken planet Tsuneo: I hope you used the overtaking lane. > (by them of course) is attacking. Hellraiser realises that there was the > possibility that some survived that invasion Rebecca: Yeah, real genius of a leader, isn't he? > and they are now trying to gain back what they lost. Tsuneo: By attacking a departing ship and stirring up trouble. Right. > Hellraiser demands that Darkon and Colt be > awakened to take out this ship. The two are and they go out. Rick: Such rapid polt developement. > Darkon > attacks the left half of the ship's hull while Colt attacks the weapon > systems. Tsuneo: Leaving the right half scott free. Dan: That's tactics for you. > Just as Colt is about to strike a laser cannon on the ship it > fires at him and the blast hits his head. The blast was powerful since > the ship upgraded their weapons before taking on the veminoids. The blast > went straight through Colt's head and half of his brain comes out. Rebecca: Ewwwww! Gross! Dan: Ah, he's just a major character, who cares. > Colt floats dead in space not moving an inch. Tsuneo: So a simple laser cannon can now destroy a Teknoman with a single hit. When Blade survives a direct hit from a nuke. Rick: Calm down, boy. > His body starts to drift away > just as Darkon uses his Teknobolt on the ship to destroy it. Darkon goes > over to his comrade to see if he is alive. All: Hmmm... Rick: Let's see... Half his head's gone. Tsuneo: His brains are floating all over deep space. Dan: He's not moving at all. Rebecca: Could be hard to tell. > Darkon sees no life at all. Tsuneo: He's been reading this fic to, huh? Rick: Eityher that, or he's living in Philedelphia. > Darkon decides to leave Colt's body in space. Tsuneo: [Darkon] So if any advanced race comes across it, they can study his body, reverse-engineer the technology, and fight us with their own Teknomen. Rebecca: I take back what I said last fic. Shut up. > Darkon goes in his ship > and reports Colt's death to Hellraiser. Hellraiser says Rebecca: [Hellraiser] Pity. He had a cute ass. Dan: Hang on. Do we have genders for either Hellraiser or Colt? Rick: Err... they're both male, from pronoun usage. But that doesn't prove anything nowadays. Tsuneo: Introducing the new characters properly would have been nice. Before you kill them, that is. Rick: Maybe he's in reality Teknoman #1 or something. Rebecca: Or Teknoman Kenny. Dan: Now there's a crossover I do _not_ want to think about. > that planet had > the most challenging defences they had ever seen, Hellraiser is not > surprised about one loss of a Teknoman. The ship then flies off leaving > Colt drifting in space... To be continued ... Dan: That's a chapter? Tsuneo: Koopafic. Live with it. Rick: To be continued? The main character's dead! Tsuneo: This is a fic. That won't stop anything. > War of the Past part 2 Dan: Audience Nill. Rick: Old gag. > Written by Koopa > Colt's body rests in space. It just sits there like a rock. Suddenly > Colt's body starts to drift towards a near by planet. Tsuneo: Whoah. No. Hold it. Hang on. Rick: Don't. Just... don't. Rebecca: Maybe it's a freerange planet. Rick: Is he about to crash into Unicron or something? Rebecca: Would be a convenient way for him to get back into the fic. Dan: Dumb crossover idea no. 2. [Groans] > He falls through the atmosphere and lands like a falling star. Tsuneo: ie: a big explosion, a crater, and not much left. > Hours later Colt wakes up. All: Huh? Rebecca: [Cynical] Oh, maybe it just _looked_ fatal. Rick: Maybe having half his head shot off is normal to him. Tsuneo: Maybe he's a Guyver as well. Dan: Lame crossover idea no. 3. I'm gonna puke. > He looks around him self in fear. Dan: [Colt, relieved] Oh, thank god it's still there. Rick: [Colt] My brain! Where'd I leave my brain? > Unknown aliens have taken him in. He thought this planet had no life Tsuneo: He got a _marvellous_ view of it when he was busy burning up in re- entry. > but it seemed to have much life under the tunnels Tsuneo: Life... under... the tunnels. Rick: Makes perfect sense. If you're a worm. Rebecca: My god! He's crash-landed in Earthworm Jim! Dan: Four. > of the planet. A girl Rick: That's probably the best description we're gonna get, so treasure it, guys. > comes over to Colt. Colt asks her what happened. Rick: [Colt] And why do I still have my head? > The girl says "Gee your fast to get answers. Tsuneo: No, he's fast to get to his questions. That bit depends on you. > Lets start with > our names first then we can get down to business. I'm Stela, Rick: Shock! Horror! A name! > who are you?" > Colt says "I... I don't know. All I know is that my name is Colt. And that > I have a mission to complete." Rebecca: Does this remind you guys of anything? Rick: What's the bets that Stela here has blue hair and is voiced by Barbara Goodson? Dan: We can't bet on it if we all agree. > Stela says "Hey don't worry. You'll remember > it all in time. You know we may want to go some were privet. Rick: What, we want to go to a bush? Rebecca: Maybe _behind_ the bush? Know what I mean? > The people > here don't take kindly to weird looking people, such as your self." Rick: Wierd looking looks like what? Tsuneo: [Deadpan] Probably having half your head shot off. Dan: As opposed to normal which looks like what? > Once in room Tsuneo: They went somewhere? They put on a room? Help? > Stela explains what happened. Stela says a beam of light was spotted > crashing Tsuneo: A beam of light crashed. Uh-huh. Rick: Smile and nod. > on the planet. A group went out to see what it was. They found > Colt's body and thought they could repair him. Tsuneo: Tough when he's leaking brains... Dan: Leave it out, already. > They did with the help of a healer. Tsuneo: [Staring] Some healer! Rebecca: [Stela] So, Colt, what's it like being dead? Rick:Colt] I don't want to talk about it. > Stela then asks Colt if he would like to be given a tour of the > under ground city. Colt says he would. Stela gives Colt a holographic > imager that would hide what Colt looked like to others. All: Dialogue! Tsuneo: Not that we know what either of them look like anyway. > As they go down to wait for a transport train 2 Tsuneo: 2? Train 2? Train on track 2? Train 2 somewhere? Rebecca: Maybe 'A Transport Train' was a really popular movie, and they're all wiating for the sequel. Rick: [Announcer] 'A Transport Train!' A story of Drama! Action! Danger! Romance, and a lack of descriptive passages! Dan: Coming soon to a theatre near you. Rated K for Koopa. > a gang of punks try to steal Stela's money. Tsuneo: The suspense is killing me. > Colt tries to stop them but the leader of the group shoves Colt to the > ground and asks him what he's going to do about this. Dan: Eew. They're going to be picking punk splatter off the walls for weeks. > Colt gets up and > brings out his crystal. Colt says "This... TEKNOMAN POWER!!!!" Rick: Nah, he's not overreacting or anything. > The crystal then turns him into a Teknoman. All: Well, duh! > Colt brings out his Teknolance > and uses it to cut the heads off of 3 of the punks. Rick: Yeah, that was real neccessary. Dan: One hell of a reeducation program. Rebecca: [Policeman] Don't worry, it's just a big armoured maniac chopping people's heads off. Nothing to worry about. We've got the situation well under control. > The 4th one runs away > in fear. After the danger is gone Colt looks down at Stela and he sees > fright in her eyes. Rick: Yeah, I wonder why. > To be continued ... Rebecca: Ad nauseam! > War of the Past part 3 Dan: Yeah, this is really flying past! Rebecca: If only Homecomings had been like this. > Written by Koopa > Stela looks at Colt seeing an armored warrior in a green, red, and brown Tsuneo: Heheh, green red and brown. Heheh. Marvellous. Dan: What's up with him? Rick: Marvellous paint scheme, isn't it? Rebecca: That, and he has an aversion to brown. > armor. Stela then looks at the punks that lay dead. Dan: Yup, they're dead! Tsuneo: Although with these healers, I wouldn't be too sure. > Stela nervously asks > Colt what he is. Colt says he doesn't know what he is. Colt says he just > knew he had to defend himself so he acted out of instinct. Rick: This seems _very_ familiar to me. > Stela walks up to him and says she knows a way of finding out the answers. Dan: How convenient! Tsuneo: [Colt] Well, thank you, miss plot exposition! > The two go to > a lab. Stela tells the people there that the alien that fell from space > has to come in. Tsuneo: Just a thought, but wouldn't they be holding him for ananlysis, rather than just letting him walk around with this mysterious little bimbo? Rebecca: Shush boy, you'll just overheat your brain. > Even though the people were warned of Colt's appearance > they were still shocked. Stela takes Colt into a dark room. A doctor comes > in and tells Colt that they are going to try and see his memories with a > device. Rebecca [Cynical]: A device? Rick: You know. A thingamie. A watumacalit. A wossname. One of those. > Colt is told to sit in a chair. After that a helmet is put on Colt. Tsuneo: Did he sit or not? Rick: [Borg] Description is irrelevant. > Stela > and the doctor see Colt's memories and are shocked by them. Colt and other > Teknomen had destroyed countless worlds and taken over them. Suddenly the > memories disappear and thoughts of killing start to show up. Dan: He's obviously been watching too much Barney. Rebecca: Or reading too many fics. Rick: Since he's named after a gun, do you think it could be Nav in disguise? [Pause] Rebecca: Nah. Dan: But let's hurt him anyway. > Stela doesn't under stand this. Colt seemed so nice. Rebecca: [Dopey] He was always so quiet and kept to himself. > Stela then looks at Colt and sees > that his eyes have turned red. All: [Zombies] Pink... eye! > Colt then gets up and destroys the device Dan: Damn! Now we'll never find out what it was! > that was on his head. Stela backs away while asking why he is doing this. Tsuneo: [Colt] Must... kill... authour... and... end... crappy... fanfic... Rebecca: Must... stop... talking... like... William... Shatner... on... dope... > Colt then lunges at Stela and grabs her by the thought. Tsuneo: Cool! A psychic Teknoman! > Colt says in a dark and different voice "I've got you little one!" Dan [Wicked witch]: And your little dog too! > Stela tells Colt that he doesn't have to be this way. Stela says that they > can help him. Colt then regains control of himself. Tsuneo: What? Just like that? No way! > His eyes go back to being blue. Tsuneo: They're meant to be green. > Colt lets go of Stela. Stela asks Colt what happened. Colt says "I seem > to know more about these powers than my self. I think I was transformed into > this by a ruler of some army. This army is evil and who ever becomes a part > of the army becomes evil. The crash I took coming down here must have some > how given me back my sole Tsuneo: And your brains. Rick: What? They took your shoes as well? > and control. I think after 30 min. of being in this form I get drawn to > the dark side of my powers. Rick: [Darth Vader] You cannot resist the power of the Dark Side. > I have to deactivate this armor." Colt then > goes back to his normal form. Colt then remembers, Rebecca: [Clot] My clothes got shredded when I transformed! > the invasion of Earth, > and how he is the only one who can stop it. To be continued ... Dan: Huh? That's half the fic? Rebecca: And that was a long chapter. Tsuneo: For stupid people who can't keep up: Colt hasd been killed, crash- landed on an alien planet where everyone lives under tunnels, been brought back to life, met a girl called Stela, killed three punks, gone nuts and overcome one of the major plot devices from the original show. Rick: An amazingly concise recap. Didn't miss a thing. > War of the Past part 4 > Written by Koopa > Colt, the doctor and Stela walk out of the room. The doctor turns to Colt > and says "I wish you the best of luck in controlling that dark side of > yours. Well I have to be going now." Rebecca [Doctor]: Take two of these and call me in the morning. > After the doctor leaves Stela turns > to Colt very madly. Stela says in a strong voice "What the heck do you > mean an invasion!" Rick [Colt]: Well, firstly, it's meant to be a question, and secondly, its when one place invades another place. > Colt says in replie Tsuneo: Oh, so he's changed out of his room now? Rick: No, he's speaking in Replie. I wonder if Stela speaks the language? Rebecca: But he's still wearing the room. Tsuneo: Wouldn't it have been shredded when he transformed though? Dan: You lot are hopeless! > "My master "Hellraiser" has been > sent to take over the planet Earth and turn it's people into evil Teknomen > as my self. I must find a way to get to that planet before Hellraiser dose. Tsuneo: Why? What happens when his medication kicks in? > Will you help me?" Stela says "Uhhhh... Sigh... Rick: Acting! > OK I'll help you. We may be able to use a memory stabilizer on you to make > sure your dark side does not surface again." The device is a success, Colt > can now stay in Tekno form for as long as he wants. Tsuneo: So Colt has just overcome the one, major hurdle that Blade never could in the space of three-and-a-half paragraphs? Rick: Read it and weep. > Stela takes Colt aboard a space craft that leaves the planet. Dan: Yeah, it's just going in their direction. > Colt had no idea these people have such fast warp drive Rebecca: [Dark Helmet] Ludicrous Speed! Go! Tsuneo: Engage Barf Factor 5. > for the ship speed straight past Hellraiser's ship with out > being detected. The ship reaches Earth in 8 hours. Dan: Let's just ignore eight hours in this fic, shall we? Riiiight... Rebecca: Koopa can't think of the words to summarise what they _did_ with those eight hours. Tsuneo: You couldn't help it, could you? > Stela stays on the ship > as she watches Colt walk into the docking bay of the ship to transform. Rebecca: [Stela] He's taking his clothes off! Way cool! > Colt stand in an empty room. Dan: Colt stand? Tsuneo: Like an umbrella stand for guns. Rebecca: I gotta get me one of those. > Colt then brings out his Tekno crystal and screams out > "Tekno Power!!!" Colt's body then goes through an amassing metamorphoses, Dan: A what? Rick: Maybe he's used Weight Gain 4000. > as he turns into a Teknoman. Tsuneo: Not any _specific_ Teknoman. Just _a_ Teknoman. > Colt flies out of the docking bay and into space. Rick: Crash! Oops! Forgot to open the door! Rebecca: This _is_ Koopa we're talking about here. It would mean using extra words. > Suddenly out of the shadows aliens appear. Tsuneo: Shadows of what? We are in space, remember. Rebecca: Shadow Ships? > Colt sees that Hellraiser has sent > Spider-Crabs ahead of him to ensure Earth's destruction. Rick: Spider-crabs? To ensure Earth's destruction? Rebecca: Let's be fair here. They'd be hard-pressed to destroy a sandcastle. > Colt may be calm about the crabs but the crew aboard the ship isn't. > Spider-Crabs attack the ship from all angles destroying it. Tsuneo: What? Just like that? The love of his life or maybe the past five minutes just gone? Rebecca: It's Koopa. Accept it. > Colt then speeds towards the attacking Spider-Crabs. > As he does Colt goes into Teknoman battle mode. Colt then speeds even faster > straight through the crabs. Rick: Can I buy a pronoun please Tony? > The crew of the ship Tsuneo: The ship that was just destroyed, right? > see Colt destroying every single Spider-Crab in sight. Dan: Cool! Free chowder for everyone! Rebecca: Are you kidding, Spider-crab tastes awful! > Suddenly Colt hears laughter. Darkon then shows > him self. Colt asks Darkon how he got here. Dan [Darkon]: I flew. And boy, are my arms tired! > Darkon says he was sent with the > Spider-Crabs to lead them on. Darkon then brings out his Teknolance. Colt > does the same. Darkon asks Colt if he is ready for the end. Colt says "Take > your best shot." [The all reel on shock] Dan: My god! Rick: No! Rebecca: It can't be! Tsuneo: Spoken lines! > The two Teknomen then fight on and on. Darkon says during > the battle "I thought I was mistaken about you betraying us but when I saw > you killing our army of crabs it just told me that your a traitor. And there > has never been a traitor that has lived long among us!" Tsuneo: And a response! Dialogue! Rick: [Bored] A miracle. > Finally Colt gets tired of this battle Tsuneo: Uh, excuse me, battle? They were just talking to each other. Rebecca: Maybe he just doesn't like him. > so he fires his Teknobolt. Tsuneo: Why didn't he do that earlier? Rick: Too easy. > The bolt hits Darkon and > sends him flying back into the shadows of space. Colt then descends towards > Earth. Dan: Ouch! Oooh! Ow! Owowow! Hot! > To be continued ... > War of the Past part 5 Dan [Wedge]: Almost there... almost there. > Written by Koopa > Darkon stumbled onto the ship as he entered. Rick [Darkon]: Honey! I'm home! We just gotta get that porch step fixed! Rebecca [Nagging]: You're late! Have you been out drinking with the boys? Rick [Darkon]: No. Rebecca [Nagging]: Have you been fighting other Teknomen? Rick [Darkon]: No! > He was ordered to report to > Hellraiser. Darkon went to Hellraiser and he was not in a very nice mood. > what kind of a mood do you expect, his name is Hellraiser for crying out > loud.) Rebecca: I'd be Pissed off too, if I was named after such crappy movies. > Hellraiser says to Darkon "You failed me. The Teknoman Colt is about to > reach the planet. You need to rejuvenated. While you do so I will be sending > out my two new Teknomen. (two Teknomen come out of the shadows) Meet Rift and > Zar. Rick: Hi. This is Teknoman Rift and this is Teknoman Zar. Say 'hi,' Rift. Dan: Hi, Rift. Rick: Say 'hi,' Zar. Tsuneo: Hi, Zar. Rick: Actually, Rift and Zar are probably going to get killed off in the next chapter or two, so they don't deserve names. Maybe we should just call them Teknoman 1 and Teknoman 2. Say 'goodbye,' Rift. Dan: Goodbye, Rift. Rick: Say 'goodbye,' Zar. Tsuneo: Goodbye, Zar. Dan: Can I go home now? > These two are your temporary replacements until you are healed." Darkon > is then sent to get healed as Rift and Zar go out to Earth to stop Colt from > warning them. A Colt Tsuneo: A Colt? Rick: Hadn't you heard? He comes in six-packs! > lands on the planet he looks around and sees no cities or factors. Dan: No factors? Tsuneo: Obviously this was in the days before they invented division. > Colt wonders how this world services with such odd conditions. Colt walks > up over a hill. As he gets to the top he sees a dozen horses with armored > men on them charging at him. Rick [Monty Python Voice]: Charge! > Colt then sends his Teknobolt flying at them. Rick [Monty Python Voice]: Run away! Run away! Dan: Do you think that was a bit of an over-reaction on his part? Rebecca: Naaaah. > The blast hits them and kills them all and leaving the ground scorched. > Colt wonders what for off attack that was. All: HUH?! Tsuneo: What was that supposed to mean? Dan: Yuo have now entered... the Thinker zone! > Suddenly men in armor come up > to him. Colt sees no threat from them. The 2 come up to him and tell him to > come quietly or else. Colt thinks this may be taken to get a reward for > defeating the enemy. Dan: Is it just me or is Colt pretty thick? Rebecca: It's not just you. > Colt is taken to a large castle. Colt is then taken > into the throne room and is brought before the king. One of the men order > him to bow down to him. Colt says in replied "Why should I?" The other guy Dan: Which other guy? Rebecca: One of the nameless minions that don't even get a description. You know, Knight #1 and Knight #2. > tells him to do it. Colt thinks this may be the ruler of the planet and he > should go along with it so he can tell the king of the veminoid. One of the > men steps before the king and says "This felon has been charged with the > murder of 12 knights. We suggest death by beheading." Tsuneo: Not that it'll kill him. He did have half his head blown off with no ill effects. Dan: Maybe this time they'll get the bit he needs to think with? Rebecca: [Deadpan] They were planning to behead him, not castrate him. [Rick, Dan & Tsuneo all cross their legs] > King says "Wait... First of all why are you in such strange armor?" Rick [Colt]: Don't you know? It's _the_ latest thing from Paris. > Colt says "I think I'm > starting to under stand what is happening. You must have falsely accused > me of this crime. I was defending my self from an attack." Dan: I retaliated by striking back first! Rick [Bart Simpson]: I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything. > The king says > "Defending? I was told you murdered them in some sort of magic. Rebecca: It wasn't me! It was the one-armed man! > They were nothing but transporters of valuables. Tsuneo: So why did they charge in the first place? Rick: Watch it. You'll burn out your brain that way. > I see no choice but to sentence you > to death by be heading. There was clearly no attack on you." Colt\ > says "But!" Rick [Beavis]: Heh. You said 'but'. Heh. Dan [Butthead]: Heh. Cool. Heh heh. > Person Dan: Now there's a movie role you'd hate to have. "Person" probably has the life expectancy of Soldier #1. > says "Come along. We will execute you at dawn." Colt dose nothing for he > thinks that if he shows them that he has more power than he seems that he > may change the corse of history for this planet. Rick: Wha? Tsuneo: So, showing off more power than they think you have is bad.. But they allready bvelive you to be a wizard of some sort... So why not and they'll pass it off a magic and... Rebecca: Careful. Your head's gonna explode that way. > Colt is struggled by this > twist of events. Later that night Rift and Zar arrive at the planet. Dan: Hey look! It's Beavis and Butthead! Rick: Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber! Rebecca: Runamuck and Runabout! Tsuneo [Bored]: Laurel and Hardey. > They head out to find and kill Colt. Tsuneo: That's easy. Just follow the trail of destruction. > Up in space Stela's ship Tsuneo: -That was destroyed. > waits for Colt. > Just as an hour goes by Helltaiser's ship arrives at Earth. Tsuneo: So... Stupid question, but, how did Rift and Zar get there _before_ Hellraiser's ship? Rebecca: It's easy. Rift had beans for breakfast. > The ship picks up Stela's ship Rick: What? Hellraiser's ship is going out with it? Rebecca: I wonder if it belives in sex on the first date? Others: Ewwwww! > and fires upon it. Stela's ship is disabled. Suddenly Stela's > body is taken aboard the ship. Dan: Can we all say: "Set-Up"? All: Set-up! > To be continued ... > War of the Past part 6 Rick: The epic finale! > Written by Koopa > Colt dose nothing as he is dragged away to be killed by the kingdom. Colt > wants to do no harm but he will not go to the lengths as of letting himself > be killed. Rick: Ahhh, ya big woose! Tsuneo: It's not like it hasn't happened to to you before. You should be used to it by now. > Up in the air the Teknomen Zar and Rift watch Colt's execution. Dan [Rift]: Popcorn, Zar? Tsuneo [Zar]: Cool! This is better than the football any day! > Zar says to Rift "I guess we don't even have to kill him. They will do it for > us." Rebecca: Pair of lazy bums! Do it yourself! > Rift says "Idiot that axe they plan on using will not cut through Colt's > armor, but perhaps if we gave them my axe with out them knowing they would be > able to do the job." Rick: Wow. I'm amazed by your plan there, Rift. > Rift flies down to switch the executioner's axe with his > own. Rift makes sure he is not seen. Rick: Pay no attention to the Teknoman over here. I'm not here. Don't mind me. Tsuneo: You can't see me, I'm obfuscating. Dan: Nah. No-one's getting that one. > Colt is brought to the executioner. The > king gets up and asks why his helmet is still on. Rick [Colt]: Cause Zar put superglue in it and it's stuck! Damn him! Tsuneo [Zar]: Heh. Glue in the helmet. Cool. Heh. > Colt says "That is no concern > of yours. Let me say one thing before you kill me. This planet will soon be > invaded by aliens. You must believe..." Colt is cut short Rick: CHOP! Rebecca: Bad choice of words Koopa. > when the king stops > him by saying "Stop these lies at once! My people listen to noting he says!" > The people that watch listen to their king as Colt is ordered to remove his > helmet. Colt thinks to himself about how he isn't going to let them take his > head off. Suddenly Colt senses that Stela is near. Tsuneo: Er, how? Rick: Remember that set-up sequence before, right? Now what it one power of a Teknoman in his untransformed state? Right. Soo... > Colt breaks free of the guards grasp and flies off into space Tsuneo: So why'd he need a spaceship before? > were he fells Stela is. Rick: I understand the words, but... > All the people > are shocked by this thinking Colt was using magic. Zar and Rift are not happy > about Colt running off. All: Naw! > Rift goes down to get his axe back Rick: I suppose they didn't notice that either. > and the two then follow Colt back up into space. Rick: [Buzz Lightyear] To infinity and beyond! > Once Colt is in space he gets aboard Stela's > ship. He goes in to find every one dead. Rebecca: [Holly] Everybody's dead, Dave. Dan: [Ditto] Never should've let him out in the first place. > Colt goes to the main bridge but every one there is dead as well. Rick: Yeah, enough Red Dwarf riffs already. > Suddenly Stela calls out to Colt. Colt turns around expecting to see Rick: [Roy Slaven] What's behind door 'Y?' Tsuneo: Nah. That one's _too_ obscure. > Stela behind him but only to find a female Teknoman. Rick: See? Told you! Dan: And anyone who couldn't spot that one coming, I've got some land in Florida you might be interested in. > Colt stubles back in fear. He asks who she is and who she use to be. Tsuneo: As if he couldn't guess. > She says > "I am the Teknoman Gemini. Or you may know me as Stela." Rebecca: You remember? Squeezy- [Dan clamps a hand over her mouth.] Dan: No, girl, do _not_ go there. It's Sabanised, remeber? Rick: If that was the case, then half his brain wouldn't have come out. Tsuneo: And those punks would still have their heads. Rick: And those knights would have just been... All except Rebecca: SENT TO ANOTHER DIMENSION! Rebecca: I don't get it. I like it, but I don't get it. > Colt says that > is impossible since it takes long to turn a person into a Teknoman. Gemini > says Hellraiser was experimenting with a new transformation an thought it > best to test it on her. Rick: Little miss guinea pig. > Colt says "Please Stela look in the back of your sole Dan: -for a bit of bubblegum that is stuck to the underside of your shoe. > for Stela.I was in the back of Colt's sole." Rick: Man! You have big feet! Dan: And stinky. Pew! > Gemini says "Stela is dead, only the Teknoman Gemini remains!" Dan: [Growling] There is no Dana only Zhoul. Tsuneo: Good shot. Rebecca: You wouldn't have done that one if we hadn't seen Ghostbusters last night. > Stela draws > her Teknosword and lunges at Colt. Colt blocks her attack with his Teknolance. > Colt knows Stela is gone for a Teknoman has no sole, Rick: Then what's on the underside of their feet? Rebecca: Cut it with the sole jokes already! > so Colt strikes back with all off his might. The battle on in Tsuneo: We know the battle's in the ship. > the ship as Hellraiser welcomes back Darkon. Tsuneo: Darkon? Where was he anyway? Rick: Disneyland! Tsuneo: Ha ha. > Darkon asks what he is going to do. > Hellraiser says there is some force of some kind that will disrupt his > power to send the Teknoflowers to Earth to spread their seeds. Hellraiser > says this force is known as magic on Earth. Tsuneo: So they can't fight magic? Dan: Ah, hell. Land fifteen million Spidercrabs on it and stomp the place. Rick: You kidding? All they'll do is spend all their money on those bloody cards. Rebecca: Magic IS a powerfull force of evil. > He says in would take years for > this force to deplete even if this magic was lost over time. Dan: Like someone gets angry and tears up all your cards. Rebecca: Or your cat pees on your collection.* > Darkon suggests > they abandon the mission to take over Earth for now until this magic is lost. All: WIMP! > Hellraiser agrees with him but they still have the mission of exterminating > Colt. Rick: [Darkon] I'm going to ENJOY this one! > Darkon asks if he can get Zar and Rift Rebecca: The idiot brothers. > and join Gemini in her battle to kill Colt. Dan: And cue the expendables... > Hellraiser says he may. Darkon goes out and joins Zar and Rift > as they go into the ship to kill Colt. As the 3 enter they get caught up in > the battle between Gemini and Colt. Colt fights for his life against 4 Teknomen. > The battle dose not last long. Rebecca: Well, there you have it folks, another epic Koopa struggle in six words. > Colt is killed by the 4 Teknomen. Dan: [Colt] Ah, man, not again! Rebecca: I'm sorry. Tsuneo: Huh? Rebecca: [Kyle] Oh my god, they killed Colt again! Rick: [Stan] You bastards! Tsuneo: Get a new riff already. > Darkon, Zar, Rift and Gemini return to Hellraiser's ship to return home. Rebecca: And they ride off into the sunset. > The Earth dose not know that the veminoids will return some day. Rick: And probably get caught up in the Venomoid invasion. Tsuneo: That's really dredging the bottom of the barrel. > Over time Darkon becomes a leader > like Hellraiser. Like all veminoid leaders he is physical unable to leave his > ship. Colt may be dead Rick: Typical Japanese happy ending. [Tsuneo whacks him with a cushion.] Well it is, isn't it? > but his sole still remains Rick: Wow! Those are tough shoes! Rebecca: I thought I said no more sole jokes! > but in what form? Tsuneo: Colt died and Darkon became a Venomoid- Rick: -Veminoid [Tsuneo whacks him with a cushion] Tsuneo: [Ahem!] Venomoid leader, but what of the others? Rebecca: Rift and Zar went on to get a popular MTV cartoon show, endless merchandise and eventually a movie. Rick: Stela joined an inexplicably popular teenybopper band, had a fall-out with the rest of the members, quit, and went on to appear nude in Playboy. Dan: Hellraiser, the war load was last seen over the Superbowl with 'Goodyear' written on his side. Thank you and good night. > The End... or is it? Tsuneo: There's more? Oh the humanity! [The TV set switches off] Tsuneo: [Laughing] That was terrible! Rick: But short. Rebecca: Mercifully such. Dan: This Koopa guy cracks me up. Tsuneo: He could be dangerous if he wrote longer stories. Voice: Okay, guys... another turkey? Rick: You bet. Rebecca: I'll put it in a way that is a true homage to the Koopa style. Bad. Tsuneo: The worst thing for me is how it managed to be inconsistent with itself and the original. The storyline had enourmous holes in it, such as no- one seems to mind when an armour-plated alien murders three people in the middle of a subway station, or of course the regenerating spaceship. The idea that you could bring a guy back to life after he had half his brain wasted was so stupid I don't need to mention it. And that the Venomoids - And don't say it, Rick - couldn't fight magic? Preposterous. Rick: Where's the description? Where's the dialouge? Teknoman had epic battle scenes and waht did this have? "The battle dose not last long.". That's the climactic struggle, the hero's last stand, reduced to six words! It was so scatty it was FUNNY. Dan: Well I know what was wrong with it. It didn't have Tina in it! [Rick facefaults. Tsuneo clutches his forehead, shaking his head in pain. Rebecca advances on Dan, growling.] Dan: Just kidding! [They return to normal] It didn't have Natasha! Rebecca: That's it! [They all leap on him.] [The screen goes blank.] Rick: You're gonna need the healers from Stela's planet by the time we're through with you! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ *This really happened. The player in question later sold them to his idiot friend. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan is copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Jinas' world: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/index.htm RPG info, amateur fanfics, MSTing site and official Bubblegum Crossfire material. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Darkon stumbled onto the ship as he entered. Rick [Darkon]: Honey! I'm home! We just gotta get that porch step fixed! Rebecca [Nagging]: You're late! Have you been out drinking with the boys? Rick [Darkon]: No. Rebecca [Nagging]: Have you been fighting other Teknomen? Rick [Darkon]: No!