Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Here we go with No. 13: A mach 2 of 'More Than Meets The Eye.' About as close to pure self-insertion evil as it gets. More Than Meets The Eye is copyright Ron Keating and Justin Tucker, neither of which could come up with a more imaginitive title. Transformers is copyright Hasbro/Kenner or something like that. Sailor Moon is copyright Naoko T./DiC ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side.] [Rick and Dan enter, each carrying a number of small foil packages.] Dan: For crying out... I can never get these open. Rick: Oh, it's easy. [Opens a package with his teeth and pulls out cards.] See? Dan: [Mumbles, then rips a packet open.] Rick: So let's see... [They wander over to the couches and sit.] Rick: Tom, the SoL, Togg!... and Marta! Dan: Hey! Lemme see! Rick: Nah! What have you got? Dan: Well... Deb Soulstone, Ant Attack - Hey, that's one of ours! Aha! David Kintobor! Major Disaster! Rick: Whoah! Dan: Yeah! Attack: 6, Defence 7, Move 4, _and_ he gets a plus two attack every other round from his blasted Prism Rifle. [Rebecca enters, followed by Tsuneo.] Tsuneo: Look at them. They're so immature. Rebecca: Hey, I got a Lord Thinker! Tsuneo: I'll swap you for it. Rebecca: What you got? Dan: [Gets up and heads over to Rebecca] Lord Thinker? What is he? Rebecca: Ahh... Well, you roll a dice, and he's either a character, a disaster, an enhancement... All kinds of stuff. Tsuneo: It's just a pity there's no room for a quote. Rick: You sure that's a bad thing? Rebecca: So, did you find anything interesting? Tsuneo: Ah, mostly doubles. But I did get the Club Anipike haven. Rick: Bastard. Voice: Are you guys quite finished? Rebecca: Nope. Dan: Carry on, though. Don't mind us. Rick: And none of us have got your card yet, anyway. Voice: [Annoyed] If you don't mind... We've got work to do today, so sit down. [They sit down. Dan and Tsuneo are on the couch facing the TV, Rick and Rebecca on the other couch. Rebecca and Tsuneo are closest on the edges.] Rick: I think he's a bit peeved that we trashed his last two experiments. Voice: What? Rick: Er... not experiments. Of course. Dan: Of course. Rebecca: Of course. Voice: [Sighs] Well, I've got a special treat for you today. [They all groan.] You've been clamoring for better subjects, so I've got you a Transformers fanfic. Rebecca: Whoo-hoo! Rick: Where's the catch? You know that three of us are really big Transfans. Tsuneo: And one's a Big Fan of Xena. Dan: ... Voice: Okay, so it's a crossover. Happy? All: No. Voice: Tough. [The TV screen lights up] > Transformers vs Sailor Moon Rebecca: One of the most pleasing crossover ideas I've heard of in a while. > "More Than Meets The Eye" Rick: That's right, just rip off the title why don't ya? > Part One Tsuneo: One part too many. Rick: Two to many. > A Sailor Moon Q R Super S T U V W Crisis X Y Z R P G Alpha 2 Dan: Alpha 2? I gotta baaad feeling about this. > Fanfic by Ron Keating Rick: SCUMBAG! Dan: Maybe a few Aussies will get that one. Rebecca: Freebirth Scum. My dog can do better than that. Tsuneo: Obscure-o-rama. > & Justin Tucker(JT) > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Author's Notes: > TEXT = Words spoken really loud or with emphasis. > _Text_ = Thoughts which can be heard with an echo by people watching but > not by other characters. > [Text] = Narration > -Text- = Background music, sound effects, etc. Rick: BGM in a fanfic? Rebecca: And a Sailor Moon fic at that. Tsuneo: Help. > (Text) = Comments inserted by Ron. Dan: Oooh boy. That bodes well. > (Text -JT) = Comments inserted by Justin. > Teekusuto = Words spoken in english. If you don't understand the basics > of Japanese romaji syllabry, get someone who DOES to explain it to you. Tsuneo: Better yet, don't. > Japanese-english name conversions: > Usagi Tsukino, Usako, Usagi-chan = Serena > Mamoru, Mamo-chan = Darion > Chibi-Usa = Reeny Tsuneo: Aaaak! Pink-haired Mutie Freak! Rick: Aka Flamethrower Bait Dan: Do you realise that she doen't even have a proper name in Japan? Tsuneo: Does she deserve one? Rebecca: Maybe as "Grevious Casualty #1" > Rei Hino = Rei > Ami Mizuno = Amy Rebecca: Quit dribbling, Dan > Makoto Kino = Lita, Leeta Dan: Lita Alexander is Sailor Jupiter! > Minako Aino = Sailor Venus Dan: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick? Rebecca: I bet you enjoyed that one. Dan: Shuddup! > Endymion = Prince Darion Tsuneo: Wow. Can't even spell the character's names. That's a _great_ start. > Setsuna = Sailor Pluto > Michiru = Sailor Neptune Dan: Ha! Hey Rebecca! How are you gonna make gratuitious gay jokes about her and Uranus! Rebecca: Watch and learn, little man. [She winks at Rick, who smiles] > Haruka = Sailor Uranus Rick: To be played by Leonardo DeCappuchino in the movie. Rebecca [Jupiter]: She looks like my old boyfriend! Rick [Venus]: She looks like my old girlfriend! Dan [Mutters] Rebecca [Pokes her tounge out at Dan] > Naru = Molly > Gurio = Melvin Dan: No... it's Umino. I'd love to know how you make that mistake. Tsuneo: Fanboy. Dan: Well, it is! Rick: Shut it, Dan > Yuuichiru = Chad > Kunzite = Malachite Rebecca: Coming up next, Big Gay Kunzite's Big Gay Boat Ride, where we explore how good it is to be gay. Rick: And have a cross-dressing girlfriend! Rebecca: Boyfriend! Rick: Whatever! Dan: You two are hopeless. You really are! > Demonicon names = Names of the Gods of Toril (www.torilmud.com/gods/)* Rick: Uhhhh... whatever. > *(if the rainbow crystal shadow warriors have actual names, Dan: They do. Tsuneo: Fanboy. > someone e-mail Ron. -JT) Dan: No! You'll just muck them up too! > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Act/Scene/Chapter/Section/Part 1 Rick: Real sure of himself, isn't he? > [The average weekday morning. Usagi is late for school. Tsuneo: So, in a rush, she doesn't notice the oncoming bus. The end. Rebecca: Sadly not. Tsuneo: Please? > Again. Of course. We > see her frantically running down the street in her usual unusual way with a > slice of toast in her mouth and her schoolbag in her hand. Tsuneo [Rei Ayanami]: Oh crap! I'm gonna be late for school! On my first day too! Rick: No, she's probably gonna be introduced later. This is still Usagiwahtsername. Dan: No. Don't start that up again. > (Usual unusual? Does that constitute an oxymoron? All: Yes! > If you can answer that please e-mail me.)] All: No. Tsuneo: This guy realy is hopeless, ain't he? He asks the readers for help on his fic. > Usagi: Mphmumphimumphf! Tsuneo: Dialouge directed by Dr Thinker. > [Yes. Well. Anyway, she runs down the street at top speed and rams headlong Rebecca: Into a bus and dies. The end. Rick: We're gonna get a lot of usage out of that bus, aren't we? > into this tall, dark, and handsome guy Dan: Not _any_ tall, dark and handsome guy, but _This_ tall, dark and handsome guy! > wearing black clothes and shades. [All start humming Turks theme] Rick: Spot the Self-insertion, folks. > Usagi falls down, but the dude Tsuneo: Is this Random Dude? Rick: Now that's waaaaay too obsucre. > doesn't even seem phased. He looks down at her > while she's getting up. -that music that always played when Usagi used to > bump into Mamoru all the time at the beginning of the first series plays in > the background-] Rick: Original, isn't he? > Dude: -In a smooth voice- How careless of me standing there in your way like > that. I'm sooo sorry. Dan: Sure you are. You really sound it. > I feel like such a (I'm sorry, but I don't have > any other more suitable word to use in this situation. I apologise for > any inconvinience.) baka. Dan: How about: Moron? Tsuneo: Idiot? Rick: Lamebrain? Dickweed? Rebecca: Self-insertion creep? Dan: Waste of human flesh? Tsuneo: Justifiable cause for Chaos Flare? Rick: Potential sharkticon victim? Voice: Alright, enough already. > [She gets up] > Usagi: Oh, that's okay. Rebecca: [Usagi] I just love running into tall, dark, handsome random dudes. > You're not a (I can't help it! I know it sounds dorky Rick: We don't know what it is, but he's probably right anyway. > but there's JUST NO BETTER WORD!!) baka. All: YES THERE IS! YES THERE IS! Dan: Something in English, for starters. > It's my fault for not looking where I was going. > Dude: No, no. It's not your fault. Here. This will... make it better... Dan: [Random dude] I'll... talk like... Shatner... if you... don't... agree. Rebecca: You know, you do that way too well. Dan: All these fics give me so much practice. > [The dude gives Usagi this mega gnarly lip smoocher] [All make disgusting sucking/slurping noises, mixed in with fart noises.] > Dude: See ya around. > [He walks away. Usagi is still frozen there with her mouth gaping wide open > and hearts for eyes.] All: Ewww! Gross! > Usagi: -In that manner of speech used when conversing with a dentist- Tsuneo: Eh? WHA? Rick: What, you mean like "mmmbrl glrrgle mdrf grrg mblrf mlrp?" Rebecca: The most intelligent dialogue we've had all day. > Yeah, see ya around. -sigh- _What a hunky guy!_ Tsuneo: What a sickening self-insertion. Dan: So let me get this straight. She runs into him and falls over, he just grabs her and kisses her, then walks away, and she's impressed by it? Even I wouldn't try that! > [She suddenly snaps out of it] Rebecca: SNAP! CRACK! [Usagi] Owww... > Usagi: _Wait! I can't love him! I have a commitment to Mamo-chan! ... ... > ... but... still... ... _ > -School bell rings- > Usagi: Oh no! I'm like totally late for school! Rebecca [Nova Satori]: So, what else is new? Dan: Nah. Even she was never that ditzy. > -= MEANWHILE =- Rick: [Ray Elington] Back in de jungle. > [A scrapyard just outside the city. (Oh yeah, what city DOES sailor moon take > place in anyway? Is it Tokyo? Paris? If anyone knows what city this show > takes place in, please e-mail Ron right away!) Dan: Hmm... Let's see... Tokyo Tower. Everyone has Japanese names. Japanese signs everywhere... [Shouting] Of course it's in Tokyo you frigging moron! Tsuneo: Cool it, already! Dan: I... I'm sorry. > A dimensional gateway opens up All: Sliders! AAARRRGGGHHH!!! > and three giant robots fall out and land in a pile of scrapped cars and > miscelaneous metallic junk. The portal quickly closes.] > Starscream: -in a metallic voice- All: Naw! > Megatron, you blundering dolt! Look what you've done! Tsuneo: [Starscream] You've dumped us in a crappy self-insertion crossover fanfic! > Megatron: Silence Starscream! That diabolical Optimus Prime Rebecca: Dialogue by Rakshasa. Rick: No-one's getting that one. > blasted us into the dimensional gateway! Tsuneo: And who can blame him? > Now there's no way we can return! > Starscream: It's not Prime's fault that we're in this mess! It's your moronic > leadership! Now if I were in charge... Rick: Jeez, can't this guy even think of some original lines? > Soundwave: Silence, whelp! Rick: Nah, that's not Soundwave. > Megatron is the greatest leader known to all decepticons! All: Suck up! > Megatron: The atmosphere resembles that of Earth... Dan: Mainly because it _is_ earth! > but something is different... it's so.. so.. Rebecca: Sickening? Rick: Nauseatingly cutesy? Tsuneo: Like a crappy fanfic? > Starscream: Pink! All: BLEAH! > Megatron: Shut up, Starscream! > Soundwave: Wait, Megatron! Starscream is correct. I detect vast quantities > of love and happiness in this dimension. Tsuneo: I detect vast quantities of hurt and pain in this fanfic! > Megatron: Love? happiness? Blah! All: [Skippy] Speew! > [An electrical surge surges up through Megatron. He grasps his chest.] Rick: [Megatron] I gotta knock off those curry binges. > Megatron: -hacking- Dan: Into what? Rick: Megatron: Cyberpunk extraordinaire! > ENERGON! I need energon! > Soundwave: Do not worry, Megatron. I shall have Lazerbeak scan for Energon. > Laserbeak, transform. Operation: Reconasence. Rebecca: And while you're at it, pop down to the shop and get us some donuts! > [A tape cassette pops out of Soundwave's chest Dan: Might've helped if he opened it first. > and transforms into a bird-like robot and flies away.] > Act/Scene/Chapter/Section/Part 2 Tsuneo: This a really decisive writer. > [Luna, Artemis, and Diana are sitting in a tree. Rebecca: Probably hiding from Oscar. > Diana's playing with some > leaves. She looks up and stares into the sky for a while. The "Anime Sunbeam" > shines down on her. Rick: [Makes C&C ion cannon noise] > After a while, she goes over to Luna and Artemis who are > relaxing in the sun as cats do.] Tsuneo: Up in a tree. Amongst the leaves. Rrriiiggghhhttt. > Diana: Mom, what's that? Rebecca: [Luna] Shush, dear, and don't mention it to Dad. He'll have another fit. > [She points into the sky. Luna and Artemis look up. Suddenly the screen is > filled with this big metal bird All: [Give the TV the bird] > (no dirty thoughts, please. All: Too late. > This is after all a kids show. In theory.) Dan: What's the bets that it won't be with him in charge. Rebecca: Or you for that matter. Dan: Heh. Sorry. > swooping down. Luna, Artemis, and Diana do the big- > eye, gaping mouth, drool thing. Tsuneo: Er... Boggle? How about that one? Dan: This guy's respect for the genre is astounding. > The bird knocks them out of the tree. They land on the ground.] Tsuneo: Nah, they missed. > Luna: What do you make of it, Artemis? Rick [Artemis] Well, I fold it like this and it turns into a cassette. > Artemis: Big metal bird? Can only mean one thing. > L&A: THE NEGAVERSE! Dan: Ah, no, how would they get that? Rick: Something unusual, ergo it's automacially the Negaverse. Dan: Except that he's using the Japanese version, where the enemies are almost all unrelated. Others: FANBOY! > (Gotta love that logic.) Dan: Except it ain't there. Tsuneo: Gotta hate the fic. > Diana: Let's go tell the sailor scouts! Rick: Let's not and say we did! > =-LATER-= > Extra note: > -=Text=- = Scene transition using a "Sailor Moon Transition" such as the > screen going into queen Beryl's crystal ball, spinning around, and > coming back out as a new scene. Dan: From the _American_ version, not the _Japanese_ version, huh? Rebecca: Once again... All except Dan: Shut up, Dan! > =-Text-= = Scene transition using a "Transformers Transition" such as the > screen backing off, being revealed as part of a big metal cube, > spinning around, and coming back as a new scene. Rick: Those were a truly pointless pair of paragraphs. Tsuneo: And why didn't he note it up the top with his other pointless notes? > [Rei's temple. All the sailor scouts are gathered together with Luna & > Artemis & Diana.] Rebecca: All in one place! Bombs away! > Luna: We saw a big, metal bird flying through the sky today! You know what > this means, girls! Tsuneo [Random Scout]: We're caught in a crappy crossover fic. > Scouts: -in a drony voice- The Negaverse. > Luna: How did you know? Rick [Random Scout]: 'Cause the authour's warped logic says so! > Ami: I'll search for the bird on my computer. Rick: Try Ben Yee's webpage. Tsuneo: Ultra-Obscure. > [Ami whips out Rick: WHIPLASH! [Ami] Ow. Rebecca: [Minako] Do that again, please! I love it! > her computer and searches for the bird. It is not long before she finds it.] > Ami: Aha! I've found it! It's headed toward... the junkyard? Tsuneo: Ie: where the fic came from. > Minako: Alright, let's go! Rick: [Minako] I just love running off to the junkyard for no good reason. > Usagi: I don't wanna... Rebecca [Usagi]: I've still got a rash from the last time! [The others stare at her] Wha? > Rei: C'mon! You're GOING! > [She drags Usagi] Rebecca: - into bed with her. Others: Too easy! > Luna: That's right. You're the leader of the sailor scouts. You HAVE to go! Tsuneo [Usagi]: So why can't I lead from here? > Usagi: But I don't WANNA! Dan: Man, even she's not this brattish. I don't belive the authour got such a basic character so wrong. Rick: Live with it. I'm trying to cope with what he's done to Soundwave. > [Usagi breaks free and pouts] > Rei: FINE! While we're out saving the universe, you can sit here on your > little butt and do nothing. Rick [Usagi]: I like the sound of that plan! > Usagi: Okay, okay. I'll come. > =- ELSEWHERE -= > [The Decepticons' junkyard. Tsuneo: And they've got the title deeds to prove it. > Lazerbeak returns to Soundwave.] Rebecca: [Soundwave] Did you remember to get those donuts? > Soundwave: Lazerbeak has found no signs of "energon producing cells" in this > planet's resources. It seems that this alternate dimention > contains no such components to use to form energon cubes. Rick: Whoah, there, hold it. [The fanfic pauses] Did this guy mangage to miss the first and second seasons of Transformers or something? You don't find energon as is, you make it from other power sources. Dan: How in hell does someone miss that? Rebecca: So I suppose this means the whole plot of the fanfic will be based on a faulty premise due to the authour missing a blatantly obvious fact? Tsuneo: Nothing new there. Rick: That's about the scope of it. Rebecca: Fine. [Pause, then screaming] Let me outta here! Rick: Whoah, cool it! Tsuneo: Calm down. It should be over soon. Voice: ... [The fanfic restarts] > Starscream: -sarcasm- Wonderful. Now, oh mighty Megatron, how shall we > survive on this dirt ball of a planet? Rick: Try harnessing the energy of incredible Plot Contrivances! > [A few moments pass] [All hum Greensleeves] > Soundwave: Megatron, I could convert the energy from the puny humans found on > this planet into energon. Rick [Bored]: Gee... what an original idea. I am so thrilled. Dan: Er... how precisely does he plan to do that? Rebecca: Spiritia absorbtion beam? [Tsuneo collapses on the floor, gagging. They all pointedly ignore him] Rick: Please, no. We've got enough crossovers here already. > There's an overabundance of it being > wasted on their pointless short exsistence. Tsuneo: [From floor] And on writing pointless fanfics. Dan: Better yet? Tsuneo: [Getting up] No. Dan: Good. > Megatron: Yes... That's perfect! We can drain the humans of all their energy > and use it as energon! Rebecca [Soundwave]: That's what I just said! You deaf or something? > Soundwave: We will have to construct a device Tsuneo: A Plot Device. Rick: [Ominous] One of the greatest and mightiest ever. > to contain and convert the energy. > Starscream: We can use the metal from this scrapyard to build it. > Megatron: Excellent. Dan: [BW Megatron] Oh, yes! Tsuneo: [Groans] > Soundwave: However, we are in need of certain items besides my own components > to create this device. Dan: So Soundwave's suggesting pulling himself apart for this? > Megatron: -getting impatient- Fine, fine. Send Rumble & Rampage Rick & Rebecca: RAMPAGE?!?! Rick: But... he's... a.... Beast Wars character.... Rebecca: Maybe this authour means Frenzy. Rick: Oh yeah... the little blue runt. I forgot about him. Rebecca: He's red! Rick: He's blue! Rebecca: Red! Rick: Blue! Rebecca: RED! Rick: BLUE! Rebecca: RED! Rick: BLUE! Tsuneo: That's enough guys! > out to > collect the proper items and Ravage to keep watch at the entrance. Tsuneo: [Soundwave] Ah, do it yourself, you lazy bum. > Soundwave: As you command, Megatron. Rumble. Rampage. Ravage. Transform. > Operation: Search & retrieve. > [The tapes fly out from his chest Dan: [Soundwave] And i just fixed it from the last time. > to form two human sized transformers and a panther, and fly off Rick: Wha? Ravage? Fly off? Tsuneo: Be careful. You'll overheat your brain that way. > to do Soundwave's bidding.] > Rumble: What da heck did Soundwave send us off ta get? A transwarp deeble > flox? And a sanserran whogit? Rick: Obviously Rumble's been playing with the random Star Trek technobabble generator again. > Rampage: NO No no! A transwarp whogit and a sanserran deeble flox! Moron! Dan: What he said. > Rumble: Joik-off! > [They start whacking at each other Rick: Oh, yeah, that's Frenzy all right. > until they land outside Andrew's popular > arcade. They break-n-enter and begin smashing up the games, searching for > the parts. Rick: Yeah, you're really gonna find them in there. Dan: Is it just me, or does the authour have about the same respect for these guys as he did for the scouts? Rebecca: It's not just you. > Suddenly, a shadowy figure marches up the street.] Tsuneo: Hey, is this the imaginatively named 'Dude' again? Rebecca: No, this is 'Shadowy Figure.' 'Dude's' scene is probably next. Rick: Collect the whole set. > Game Machine Joe: -singing- Dum dee dum Gonna have some gum, dee dee dee And > it's all for ME! Doo dah doo Gonna get some food, Doo dah > dee Then play games at anDY's! Rebecca: What fascinating dialogue. Tsuneo: What marvellous editing. > (I'm reeeeal sorry about this, but I really needed to use up space, All: No you didn't! Rick: Trust me, there was absolutely no reason to lengthen the torture. > and yeah, THAT Game Machine Joe. The one from Sailor Moon -JT) Dan: No, it was just some ordinary Game Machine Joe off the street! > [GMJoe Tsuneo: Ah, not more dang GMs, we've got enough of them already. > enters the arcade, only to see the robots looting the place. Tsuneo: It would be a bit hard not to. Dan: Do you think the fact that the front was smashed in might have been a clue? Rebecca: [Rumble] Pay no attention to me, I'm just a random customer. Just a guy off the street. > He looks > over to see if the new Sailor V game is still there, and sees it's been > smashed to smitherines. Tsuneo & Rebecca: Woo-hoo! Dan: So, there's these two robots trashing the place, his life is in mortal danger, and all he's concerned about is his favourite game? I'm so glad he's got his priorities straight. > A big mouth shock look appears over his face. Tsuneo: How about 'He looks shocked,' or 'Surprised,' or.. Rebecca: Calm down, boy. Your brain will overheat. > He quickly turns to the robots, angered.] > GMJoe: What... have... you... DONE?!!! PREPARE TO BE PUNISHED!!! Rick: Ooh, scarey, scarey, don't we look mean. > [GMJoe begins to glow a dim blue firey colour (he DOES have powers, y'know) Dan: Only the most pissweak pathetic ones. Rick: What's he gonna do, fling UFO catcher dolls at them? Rebecca: Kill 'em with a cuteness attack. > but before he could pull anything off Rebecca: Ewww! I don't want to THINK about what he's about to do! > (no pun intended)...] Rebecca: Oh. Tsuneo: Yeah. Right. Sure. > Rumble: Who IS dis guy? > Rampage: Ida know. Wanna mush `im? > Rumble: Aftar youse. I insists. Dan: So these two are mobsters all of a sudden? > Rampage: `Kay. Tsuneo: Sorry, the direction up there implied that he was interrupted or something. By what? Their pointless ramblings? Rebecca: Cool it, wonder boy. > [The two robots procede to jump GMJoe Rebecca: Maybe those two are Nav and Bane in disguise. > and pummel him Rick: [Rumble] Do you think it would be unsporting to whack him with the piledrivers? Dan: [Frenzy] Yeah. Rick: [Rumble] Cool. [Makes smashing noises] > to a bloody and bruised (but living) pulp. All except Dan: Woo-hoo! Rebecca: Go Rumble! Rick: Down with the pointlessly-appearing extras! Tsuneo: Are you sure that's not a Greasy Stain? Dan: Super-obscure. > They then find that game (I think it was the original > Sailor V game) which Luna communicated to central/Artimis with. They discover > parts far more advanced than that of any found on Earth. Dan: It still has an 'Out of Order' sign on it, though. > They quickly find > all parts required in it Tsuneo: Oh so convenient. > and a couple of "Radio Shack" knock-offs, upon which they return to the junk yard.] > GMJoe: -semi-concious and to himself- Dan: Although he's still a bloody pulp, so he doesn't get to say a thing. > I have to get help... Rick: [GMJoe] And a spatula... Tsuneo: So was there any point in having him beaten into a bloody pulp? Rebecca: Apart from entertainment value, you mean? > -= LATER =- > [At the junk yard, the Decepticons begin construction of the "Soul Sucker" > after the return of Rumble & Rampage. Dan: Who was rather confused to find himself on Earth and transforming into a cassette. Rebecca: Maybe he fell through that portal that Xena came through. Rick: Watch out for low-flying ring-frisbee-things! [They all start laughing] > They are half done when the sailor > scouts approach the junkyard. They come close, but then hear the three > deceptecons fighting with each other.] Tsuneo: Ahh... weren't they building, not fighting? Rebecca: Starscream is there, you know. Something's bound to start. > Makoto: What the heck are those?! Dan: [Scout] They're giant robots. > Ami: They appear to be giant robots. All: Nah! > Luna: We'll have to be careful so that they don't see us. Sailor Moon, you > should use your Lunar Pen to disguise yourself Dan: As what pray tell. A guard dog? A hermit? Rebecca: Roadkill? > and get in there and spy on them. > Usagi: Right, Luna! > [She throws the pen up in the air and does the little dance thing she always > does...] Tsuneo: Once again the writer's talent awes me. > Usagi: DISUGAIZU PAWAA! Rebecca: Ah... what? Tsuneo: Read the notes at the top. It's in crappy Japanglish. Rebecca: So do you have a clue what it means? Tsuneo: Nope. It's _that_ bad. Dan: So, basically, he's typing in a thick Japanese accent? Tsuneo: That's about the scope of it. Rebecca: Why? Tsuneo: Most likely, because he's under the deluded impression that it's cool, or sounds more authentic. Both of which it doesn't. Rick: You know, that could pass for reasonable Thinker dialogue. > Change me into a smashed up 70's corvette! Rick: The best kind of 70's corvette. Dan: How... sensible and true to the series. Rebecca: Let's see... trashy, bad taste, and totally poitless. You're right, Dan. [Dan leaps off the couch and lunges at Rebecca, dragging her to the floor, where they start brawling. Rick and Tsuneo roll their eyes and ignore them.] > [... and Usagi transforms into a beat up old car (Yes, with the crappy > japanese music -JT) Rick & Tsuneo: Crappy BGM! Aack! Tsuneo: And why does he need to point these things out? Fanfic means fiction written by a fan, but he's obviously got no respect for either show. > and rolls along into the junkyard unnoticed by Megatron, > Starscream, and Soundwave.] Dan: Ready to say 'unlce?' Rebecca: Auntie! [Hits him again] Voice: Alright, stop it already! [They get up and resume their seats, glaring at each other.] Rick: Welcome back. > Soundwave: Now look what your blundering has done! Rick: Man, Soundwave is so out of character! > We shall never achieve > readiness at this rate! Where are we to aquire a new winkle-hickey? Tsuneo: A what? Rick: Try Winkle-Hickey City! For all your winkle-hickey needs. > Starscream: Me? You're the one whose big fat head was in the way! Rick: I'd love to know what exactly happened. > Megatron: Stop squabbling. We can construct a new winkle-hickey using parts > from that smashed up 70's corvette. Rick: And who saw that one coming? [Pause] Aw, come on you two, riff already! Rebecca: Fine. [Soundwave] Nope, nothing usefull there. > [Megatron points at Sailor Moon.] Rebecca: Cool! Dissect her for parts! > Act/Scene/Chapter/Section/Part 3 > [The mysterious dude Rick: TM. > from Act/Scene/Chapter/Section/Part 1 Tsuneo: Wow. This is his major scene, and he doesn't even have a name yet. > is walking down > the street. We then see him enter Mamoru's apartment. He opens the door. The > room is totally wrecked. Rick: He's a bachellor, what do you expect? Dan: No, it's always immaculately clean. With a huge TV. Rebecca: Why? Dan: No-one knows. > Things are smashed up all over the place. It appears > as though there was a fight here recently. Tsuneo: No shit, Sherlock. You know, this guy is a master of the descriptive passage. > As the door opens, we get to see > more of the room, until, revealed tied up in the corner, we see Mamoru. He > appears badly beaten and instead of a gag, he has his mouth stuffed full of > roses. Dan: How precisely would you do that? Rebecca: Wide end first? Dan: Too easy to crush. Rick: Use a lot of roses. > The dude closes the door behind him.] > Dude: I'm back. Mind if I eat all your food? > Mamoru: Mphmumphimumphf! Rick: Mamoru is Kenney! Rebecca: That's not a too bad idea, all things considred... > Dude: What? Really? You don't mind? Why thank you! > [The dude proceeds to raid Mamoru's fridge.] > Dude: Hmmm... Let's see... Stale. Stale. Stale. Stale. Tsuneo: Fanfic. Pretty inedible. > [He lifts out a container filled with green glop] Rick: Aha! The script! > Dude: Gross! How can you eat this stuff! Rebecca: With a knife and fork. Why, how do you eat it? > Stale. Stale. Stale. > [After pitching almost the entire contents of Mamoru's fridge, the dude picks > up a pizza box. He lifts up the cover.] Dan: Aha. So he keeps stale food, inedible green glop, and leftover pizza in his fridge? This is one of the most elegant and sophisticated men in the world you're talking about. Rick: You obviously respect him. Dan: I hate the pansy. > Dude: Alright! Something edible! Rebecca: Uh... cold pizza? Edible? Right. Dan: Yeah! Rebecca: Says a lot. > [Just as he's about to sit down and start eating there's a knock at the door. > Chibi-Usa's voice is heard from without.] Tsuneo: Aaaaaaarg! [Collapses] > Ch-Usa: Mamo-chan! Open up! It's me, Chibi-Usa! Tsuneo: [Graoning, from floor] We noticed. > [The dude, alarmed, quickly looks around, drops the pizza, puts on one of > Mamoru's shirts, and quickly tosses Mamoru into the closet. Rick [Mamoru]: But I've just come out of the closet! > He opens the door. > Chibi-Usa sees him and he is back-on to her. From the back, this guy is > indistinguishable from Mamo. (Actually, that's not uncommon for the artist > who draws this show. A lot of her characters tend to look alike.)] Rick: And your point being? Dan: Only if you're moronic, blind and aren't watching. So, I guess it's reasonable for him to say that. > Ch-Usa: Mamo-chan? > Dude: -in a feeble attempt Rick: It's something the Dude does. Do you *really* need to note that it's feeble? > to mimic Mamoru's voice- Yes? > [Chibi-Usa tries to look around him at his face, but he turns around, evading > her.] Rick: Who can blame him? Rebecca: I'd say a small continent is a reasonable safe distance. > Ch-Usa: What's wrong? Tsuneo [Crawling back onto couch]: This whole fic's very wrong. Rick: [Dude] You're here. Next? Rebecca: Hey, Dan? How come you haven't gotten annoyed yet? Dan: It's Chibi-Usa. I hate her guts too. Rick: Figures. > Dude: Um.. uh.. Got a cold. Cough cough. (Notice those coughs are not sound > effects. They are said. "Cough cough". Just like that.) Rick: You don't say! > Dude: Sniff. > Ch-Usa: ?? Dan: How do you pronounce that anyway? > Dude: Sneeze. Rebecca: The sound effects here are just _so_ amazing! Tsuneo: Did he go to the Sheep Sheep school of sound effects? > [Chibi-Usa narrows her eyes in that "I'm suspiscious of you" look and tries > to look at his face again. This time, instead of evading her, the dude elbows > her in the gut, Rick: Hey, Tsuneo... You're the hand-to-hand expert here. How easy would it be for a tall Dude to elbow a little mutie freak in the guts? Tsuneo: Pretty damned hard unless he's built like an orangutang. > turns around and smashes her on the head with the "2-hand > Riker Smash". Rick, Rebecca & Tsuneo: Wooo-hoo! Rebecca: Brain the little runt! Rick: Death to the mutie freak! Tsuneo: Riker Smash? Rick: Ie: What we'd like to do to Will Riker. > Chibi-Usa is out cold. Dan: Only that? Try harder! Rebecca: Good boy! Tsuneo: [To camera] You know, anyone would think we didn't like her. > The dude closes the door, ties up Chibi Usa, stuffs her mouth full of Rebecca: Something poinsonus? Please? > roses, Dan: So where does *he* get them from? > and throws her into the closet with her father (father-to-be?). > =- MEANWHILE -= > [Michiru and Haruka are on a park bench and are all over each other. Rebecca [Michiru]: There's something I must tell you. Rick [Haruka]: What? Rebecca [Michiru]: I've been seeing Rei behind your back. Rick [Haruka]: That's Ok. I've been seeing Zoecite behind yours! Dan: Ohhh! That was a double nasty! > Setsuna approaches them.] > Pluto: Hey, girls. Rick: [Setsuna] Party time! > The Sailor Scouts are in trouble again and need our help. Dan: Hmm... Anyone want to know that intervention is *not* her job? Rebecca: No. > [They stop kissing, look at Pluto and nod.] Rebecca [Michiru]: Threesome time!  > N&U: Right! Rick [Haruka]: I'll get the whipped cream! Dan: I can't win! > Pluto: Pulutou Palanatto Pawaa! MEIKU APPU! > [We see her transformation] Dan: Cool! She's got no clothes on! [Rebecca hits him with a cushion] > Neptune: Nepuchuun Palanatto Pawaa! MEIKU APPU! Rick: Bless you! > [We see her transformation] Tsuneo: And you need to point that out because? > Uranus: Uranasu Palanatto Pawaa! MEIKU APPU! > [We see her transformation. (Yes, with the crappy japanese music -JT) Tsuneo: Didn't he already point that out? > The > three transformed girls run off and the scene switches back to the junkyard. > Megatron, Starscream, and Soundwave approach the transformed Sailor Moon.] Rebecca: Preferably with their car-stripping chainsaws out. > Starscream: Yes! Once we have the winkle-hickey Dan: Portzebie. Rebecca: Flugshugger. Rick: Vreeblefretzer. Tsuneo: Left-handed blinz. > our machine for converting human energy to energon will be complete! Rick: Not that you need it, but never mind. > [Sailor Moon, hearing this, bursts out of her disguise.] Rebecca: [Deadpan] I thought she did that anyway. > Moon: Hold it right there, bub! I am Rick: Wolverine, by the sound of your dialogue. > Sailor Moon! Champion of justice! I Tsuneo: - am dead meat. Have you ever considred the concequences of taking on three giant robots? > will > right wrongs and triumph over evil! And on behalf of the moon, I will Rebecca: Get rightously slaughtered, hopefully! > punish you! Your diabolical plot to drain energy from humans will never > succeed, you negaverse scum! > [The decepticons look at Sailor Moon, then at each other, then at Sailor > Moon, then at each other, then at Sailor Moon, then at each other, then at > Sailor Moon, Tsuneo: How long is this going to take? > then at each other, then at Sailor Moon, then at each other, and > burst into fits of laughter, rolling around on the ground.] Rick: They're not the only ones. That's the funniest thing I've ever read! Dan: [Bored] Yeah. Hardy-har. > Megatron: HahahahahahahahaAAAAAAA! All: Ha! Ha ha ha! Ha! Dan: That's the third corniest evil laugh I've ever heard. Rebecca: Third? No, can that. I *don't* want to know. > That's the most hilarious thing I've ever > heard in my life! You? A puny human? Punish US? Tsuneo: [Megatron] Isn't this fic punishment enough? > I'll show you who'll punish who! > [Megatron blasts at Sailor Moon with his lazer cannon. Rebecca: Fusion Cannon! It's a Fusion Cannon! Dan: Fangirl. > She just barely > manages to dodge out of the way, but those two strips of hair which normally > flow down from her meatballs are blasted off (YESSS!!!). Dan: Without hurting her? Yeah, right. And everyone knows they're indestructable. > The Sailor Scouts realize what has happened.] Dan: Took your sweet time. > Mars: C'mon! We better go help Rick: The Deceps! > her! Rebecca [Mars]: On second thoughts, let's not. Who's for a pizza? > [The Sailor Scouts run over to the battle field and do their little intro > that they always do. Now, you know as well as I do that five girls in skirts > versus three giant transformers has a pretty obvious outcome. Dan: *Except* that these are five super-powered girls, dickweed! Rebecca: Whoop-de-shit. These are three rather powerfull Deceps. Dan: Oh yeah? Well given that Chibi-Usa, Neptune and Uranus are around, that means- Rick: [Whacks Dan with a cushion] That you're an incurable fanboy. We know. > They all try > their powers, but to no avail. The Decepticons toss them around like they're > nothing. Even when the other three sailors arrive, it's no good. All the > sailors are sprawled out on the ground and Megatron has his foot lifted up > about to crush them and is doing the inevitable compulsory required villan > stall.] [All glare at the screen] Tsuneo: What gets to me is the way he insults the subject matter. Rebecca: Weather it deserves it or not. Dan: That's a borderline one... but don't push it! > Megatron: I will crush you like ants for thinking you could defeat me! > [About 5 minutes pass during which time Megatron stands there with his foot > up about to crush them, frozen in that stance. After awhile a tumbleweed > rolls by.] Rick: Where'd that come from? Tsuneo: And this is meant ot be funny? > Starscream: Megatron! Why aren't you crushing them?! Rebecca: [Megatron] There's a plot contrivance in my way! > Megatron: AArrgh! I can't! The plot... it's... stopping me... All: LAME! > [Megatron looks down and realizes that it's not the plot stopping him, it's > actually a dude wearing all black power armor holding up his foot.] Dan: So... the superpowered heroes can't do anything, but this guy simply holds up his foot for five minutes? As if! > Dude: Sailor Scouts! Run quickly! I'll hold off these robots! Rick: [Random Scout] Better you than us. > [The dude activates his jet pack and flies up with Megatron's foot, causing > him to lose his balance and fall back on Soundwave and Starscream.] Tsuneo: Ah, just a sec. [The fanfic pauses] Here's a good one. Why the hell didn't he do that in the past five minutes? Or the scouts run away? Rick: To answer the second question first, since the self-insertion has just arrived, all original characters must be reduced to helplessness and unable to think for themselves. Tsuneo: And the first one? Rick: Takes forever to start on these cold mornings. Tsuneo: Natch. [The fanfic restarts] > Megatron: -annoyed- AFTER HIM! > [The dude catches up with the Sailor Scouts and yells down to them.] Dan: [Dude] I don't care if you're the heroes, I still look down on you. > Dude: My van is just behind that pile of junk. Rick: No, actually, it *is* a pile of junk, but never mind. > Get in it and I'll be right with you once I deal with these bozos. Tsuneo: Gee, first you attack the Decepticon commander, then you call him a name? Rebecca: It's usual procedure to do it the other way around, but anyway... > [The transformers start firing their weapons at the dude, but in the true Bad > Guy spirit, none of them connect. Rick: Ah, come on, even on their off days they would have hit him at least once by now. > The dude dodges all of their attacks and > activates some sort of gas weapon as a smoke screen. Rick: [Dude] SUPER BAKED BEANS BLAST! > Meanwhile, all of the > Sailor Scouts have made it to the dude's van and he catches up to them, gets > into the van himself, and drives away. By the time the smoke clears, the > Decepticons are unable to find where the dude went.] Rick: Just look for the unbelievable ego. Easy. > Megatron: Those bothersome humans have evaded us! > Soundwave: Megatron, we must concentrate on finishing construction of the > energy converter. Dan: Never mind building defences or whacking this moron. Rick: [Megatron, monotone] I must adhere firmly to the plot. I must act totally stupid and boost the writer's ego. I have no free will. > Megatron: Yes. Then those puny humans will pay! Hahahahahaha! Rick: Still more diabolical laughter. > -= MEANWHILE =- Tsuneo: Still more diabolical fanfic. > [The dude drops the Sailor Scouts Rebecca: Off a cliff? Please? > on the corner. They get out and so does > he. For some unknown reason, they are all back to their normal forms. Dan: Maybe because they, and here's a shocking one, folks, reversed their transformations? Rick: Or maybe they just got hit by a plot contrivance. > The power armor dude no longer has his power armor Tsuneo: So... he got changed... out of his power armour... while driving, huh? Rick: Smile and nod, boy. > and he turns out to be the > same dude in black from Act/Scene/Chapter/Section/Part 1 we've been seeing > all along.] All: Naw! Rick: [Bored] I would have never guessed. > Usagi: Thanks, whoever you are. You really saved our lives out there. I don't > know how I could possibly repay you. Rebecca: [Dude] Well, you could- [Dan whacks her with a cushion] Dan: Don't even think about it. Given this self-insertion, that'll come later. Rick: Besides which, he's already had his fun with Mamoru. > _Haven't I seen him before somewhere?..._ Rebecca: America's Most Wanted? Tsuneo: Have you been watching AAVM again? > Dude: Your beautiful smile and delightful demeanor is payment enough... All: Spew! > [The "Super-Duper- Rick: Low-calorie. > Dude-In-Black- Dan: Nameless-mokey-boy-self-insertion. > Totally-Gnarly- Tsuneo: Give-you-coldsores-you-wouldn't-believe. > Lip-Sucker-French-Kiss". Rebecca: And what of it? Tsuneo: Nothing. He just likes saying it. > Just > then, Tuxedo Kamen and Sailor Chibi Moon are seen walking down the street Dan: Any particular reason why they've transformed? Tsuneo: They're pissed off and out for blood? Wouldn't you be? > and just happen to witness this. Tux is not too pleased.] All: Naw! Tsuneo: Yet another nominee for the hard-earned 'statement of the bleeding obvious' awards. > Tux: -as loud as possible so that everyone in the world knows how he's > feeling- Hey! You're THAT GUY!! Rick [Dude]: No, I'm Dude. THAT GUY is three doors down. > First, you beat me up and mangled my apartment. Rebecca: For which you should be rewarded, but never mind. > THEN, you stripped my fridge bare of food. Tsuneo: You call that food? > THEN ON TOP OF THAT, you knocked Chibi-Usa unconscious! Rick: For which we should all be thankfull at least twice daily. > AND NOW, you're KISSING MY GIRLFRIEND! Dan: No, he's just saying "Super-Duper-Low-Calorie-Dude-In-Black-Nameless- Monkey-Boy-Self-Insertion-Totally-Gnarly-Give-You-Coldsores-You-Wouldn't- Believe-Lip-Sucker-French-Kiss." [He starts panting to get his breath back] [The others applaud] > THAT is something up with which I SHALL NOT PUT! Tsuneo: [Tries to say something but bursts out laughing] Rebecca: "Gyra famous on Amy," huh? > Ch-Moon: -nodding affirmitavely- Mm-hmm! > [Tux tries to tear the dude and Usagi apart. Rick: Good idea! Rebecca: [Mamoru] Yeah, it's my turn to give him the- [She gets hailed with cushions] Sorry. > He fails. Dan: Uh, how? Yeah, he's a super-strong godlike self-insertion, but she's still human. > He tries again with > all his might, sweat drops flying from his head, but again fails. Tsuneo: Geez, no-one's this much of a wimp. > He is gasping for breath. Then the dude decides to stop on his own. Dan: [Disgusted] How... courteous of you. > Usagi is left > dazed with that anime "I'm in love" blush on her face. Dan: Like hell! She may be a ditz, but she's serious and dedicated to him! No way would she just fall for the first self-insertion to come along! [He starts to rise, growling but Tsuneo holds him down.] Tsuneo: Cool it, for once! Okay, he's pissed us all off, but still. It's just a fanfic. > Tux swells up with > anger at the dude, pulls back, and punches the dude square in the jaw. There > is a loud crunching sound and Tuxedo is left grasping his mangled hand and > jumping up and down in pain. Rick: That's one hell of a square jaw. > The dude raises one eyebrow.] All: [Spock] Fascinating. > Dude: Yes? > [Ok, now Tux is *really* mad. Tsuneo: Oh, really? We'd *never* have guessed. > He pulls out his cane and tries to smack the > dude with it. The cane cracks over the dude's head. Dan: [Tuxedo Kamen] Concrete. Just as I thought. > As a last desparate attempt to Tsuneo: Stop the fanfic. > hurt him, he starts stabbing him with a rose. The dude just looks > down at him.] > Dude: How did you get out of the closet? Rebecca [Tux Mask]: I went on Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride. He showed me how cool it is to be Out Of The Closet. Rick: Ah, your favourite past-time. Skating on thin ice. Rebecca: And loving it! > [He stops stabbing] > Tux: Well, you see, when a person transforms from one form to another, > whatever clothing or items on that person dissipate and are replaced > with new wardrobe and items. So, I figured, the ropes were tight enough > to my body to be considered "on my person", so I transformed, and they > dissipated, being replaced with my current costume. Dan: And what load of [Deleted] is that? No-one would abuse the story conventions like that, with the obvious exception of god-boy here. And also, he needs to pose to transform willingly. I can't believe how full of it this writer is. Rebecca: Dan, you're full of it too. Shut up. > (Please note that this is the only intelligent thing Mamoru has ever done in > his entire life. It may just be the only intelligent thing ever done by any > character in the show.) Rick: No argument there. [Dan clobbers him with a cushion.] > [Tuxedo Kamen, quite pleased with himself for his inginuity, turns to the > Sailor Scouts for support and ego-stroking. Rebecca: Shame on you! Only the self-insertion's allowed to do that! Rick: [Tuxedo Kamen] Am I good, or am I good, or am I good? > However, when he turns his head, > he finds that everyone except him, the dude, Usagi, and Chibi-Moon, are gone. Dan: No... they'd be busy kicking the snot out of this abusive control freak here. Tsuneo: Maybe they just fell into a plot hole. Rebecca: There's plenty to go around. > A big teardrop shape (the official trademarked "drop o' sweat") appears on > his head, and his face takes on one of those really defeated looks.] > Dude: Are you quite done now? Rebecca: Nah, give him another fifteen minutes on maximum heat. Tsuneo: Or another two or so chapters. > Tux: Huh? > [The dude grabs Tux by the back of the head and rams it into his knee. Tux is > out cold.] Dan: I won't bother nitpicking, I'll just point 'em out. Plot hole! > Ch-Moon: Hey! You can't do that to Tuxedo Kamen! Rebecca: Watch me. > [He looks over at her and walks up to her. She stares up at him with an angry > look. Tsuneo: Scarey, scarey, don't we look mean. > He lifts her up by the hair, carries her over to a nearby fire-hydrant > and bashes her head off Rebecca: Please? Rick: Wait for it... > it. She is out cold. Rebecca: Aw... > He throws her body on top of > Tux's and goes back into the van. He comes out with some rope and ties them > together. He then throws them into the back of the van. Rick: CRUNCH! Tsuneo: So what's bubblegirl doing about this? Dan: Plot hole! > He goes over next to > Usagi and lovingly puts his arm around her shoulders. She gazes up at him > with those sparkly "I love you" eyes.] Dan: For beating up her future husband and daughter in front of her? As if! Rebecca: Considering who we're talking about here... Dan: Okay, Rebecca, put it this way. If you ever found someone moronic and masochistic enough to be your boyfriend, and then some jerk who thinks he can do what ever he wants with you beats him up in front of you, how would you respond? Rebecca: If he's that moronic and masochistic, he deserves it. [Grins] Dan: Well, that's sicker than usual. > Dude: Why don't I give you a ride home? Dan: Why don't I give you an anal probe? You deserve it. Rebecca: He'd enjoy it. Dan: I take it back. THAT's your sickest! > Usagi: -as if she's in another world- Ok... > [They get in the van.] > =- FLASHBACK -= [They all wave their arms around and make wierd noises] Tsuneo: Hey, which transition is that one? Rick: Hands up anyone who cares. [Dead silence] > [The Moon, back in the old kingdom days. Rebecca: [Choking] I can't breathe! Dan: Ha, ha. > Mamoru and Usagi are there and they > appear to be dressed as prince and princess (respectively). Rebecca: Thank god for the small things. Rick: After hours is a different story. > There appears to be a lot of fire and battle stuff Rick: You know, battle stuff! Fighting and whatnot. > going on in the background. They are just > outside the castle. Mamoru (known as "Endymion" in this form) Dan: Well, thank you so much for that. > is in front of Usagi with his sword drawn as if he is protecting her.] Dan: Nah, he's just pretending. Tsuneo: [Endymion, dramatic] I'll never let this fanfic touch you! > Mamoru: Get away from me, Ankoku! All: [Ike] Analkoku! > I'll never let you have her! > [Now we see a shot of the dude he is talking to. Yes, as you probably have > guessed by now, it's the same dude from Act/Scene/Chapter/Section/Part 1. Dan: No shit, Sherlock. Rick: Anyone who hasn't guessed that by now is as dumb as the authour. Rebecca: Or a moonie. Dan: That's the line. [He leaps on Rebecca, and drags her to the floor. They scuffle briefly, which ends up with Rebecca bound and gagged with duct tape. Dan then gets back on the couch.] Tsuneo: Such an improvement. [Rebecca kicks him] > He is in his power armor.] > Ankoku: I think you will. > [Mamoru raises his sword to strike. While his sword is raised, Ankoku punches > him as hard as possible in the gut. Dan: Low blow! Cheap shot! Rick: Allowed. Encouraged. Tsuneo: Never mind parrying or fighting back. Dan: Plot hole! > As he does this, the background goes > white and everything goes slow-mo. Mamoru coughs up some blood. Now Mamoru is > doubled over, so Ankoku comes up to him, knees him in the crotch, [Rick, Dan and Tsuneo all wince in sympathy.] > and leaves him there unconscious on the ground. Rick: Best place for him. > Usagi backs away from him, tears starting to form.] > Usagi: -very quietly- Mamo... no... > [Ankoku approaches her.] > Ankoku: Now that we are alone, my sweet... Dan [Usagi]: So do you allways beat up a girl's boyfreid on the first date? > [Suddenly the scene changes to a different part of the battle field. The > Sailor Scouts are trying Rick: They certainly are. > to fight off the invading Negaverse (pathetically). Dan: Ah, what would you know about it? > Each one is matched up against a different Negaverse general. Mercury vs > Jedite, Mars vs Nephlite, Jupiter vs Zoicite, Venus vs Kunzite.] > Mercury: We won't let you take our kingdom! Makyurii Babulu! Dan: Never mind that the Japanese attack had a different name... [Rebecca frees her hands, and whacks Dan with a cushion. She then unties the rest of the tape.] Rebecca: Fanboy. > [She does her puny little mercury bubbles. Tsuneo: [Jedite] Ooh, I'm scared. Really. > Jedite takes a deep breath and literally blows them away.] > Jedite: Ha! All: Ha! Ha! Ha ha! Ha! > I laugh at your puny attempt to damage me. > [Jedite walks up to her and touches a pressure point on her body. Rebecca: You filthy swine! > She falls to the ground.] Rick: Clunk! Dan: And she just stands still and lets him, right? > Mars: You're mine now! Maazu Faiaa... Igunaito! Rick: [Mars] Kiss your ass goodbye, boy! > [The fireball hurls toward Nephlite. He steps out of the way and pulls out a > marshmellow skewered on a stick, holding it in the path of the fireball. Tsuneo: This is so stupid. Where'd the writer get his sense of humour from? The Gonterman reject bin? [All shudder at the thought] Rick: Now that I think about it... this is beginning to look disturbingly like Davey-kins' work. > The marshmellow is lightly toasted. Dan: Once again displaying how much the authour knows about Sailor Moon's power levels. Rebecca: I can't be bothered. Consider yourself whacked, Dan. Dan: Ow. > He pops it in his mouth.] > Nephlite: -talking with his mouth full- Mmmm.. Perfect! Want one? > [He holds out a package of marshmellows.] > Mars: Ooh! Sure! Rebecca: [Mars] I've been subjected to this fanfic until my brain dribbled out of my ears. Of course I'll do something as mindlessly stupid as that! > [She comes over to take a marshmellow. As she reaches into the bag, Nephlite > does the "Vulcan Neck Pinch" Rick: What do you think you're doing? Dan: The, ah, Vulcan Neck Pinch? Rick: No, no, no. You got it all wrong. It's down here, where the neck meets the shoulder. Dan: Thanks! [Rick falls off the couch] Tsuneo: [To camera] Ladies and gentlemen, the 'Spaceballs' sketch. > and she falls to the ground. Then he reaches in and eats another marshmellow.] > Nephlite: -with his mouth full- Mmm. Good stuff. > [Now we see Jupiter vs Zoicite] > Jupiter: Alright lady, whoever you are, Rebecca: [Jupiter] She looks like my old boyfriend! > I'm gonna blast you back to where you came from! > Zoicite: Lady?! Hey! I'm a MAN! Rebecca: [Jupiter] You ARE my old boyfriend! > (Shades of Chrono Trigger...) > [Jupiter wretches, about to hurl, Tsuneo: She's not the only one... > when Zoicite shoots one of those crystal projectiles Rick: Just, you know, one of those things. > at her and impales her. Next we see Venus vs Kunzite.] > Venus: I am Sailor Venus! And on behalf of the planet Venus, I will > punish... MMPHMP! > [Kunzite stuffs her mouth up with a piece of cheese.] > Kunzite: I couldn't bear it any longer. Such cheesy lines deserve a > punishment like that. All: [Groan] Tsuneo: Look who's talking. > [Then he blasts her with some dark energy and she falls down.] Rick: Thud! Dan: Well that was entirely pointless and hideously out of character. Not to mention the lamest excuse for a fight scene since "War of the Past." > Jedite: Well, that wasn't too hard. Rick: [Kunzite, camp] Speak for youself! I chipped a nail! And my hair's all messed up! Dan: And that's enough out of you! > Nephlite: Hey! Anyone want a marshmellow? > J,Z,&K: Sure. All: Pig out! Dan: Yeah! Where are our snacks? > [All the generals enjoy a well deserved snack. Then a large, caped, > silhouetted figure looms over them. Rick: [Deep] I took lurking 101! > It appears to have a military style cap > and it's fist is glowing with blue fire.] Tsuneo: [Figure] Put it out! Put it out! My hand's on fire! Aaah! > Figure: -In a very deep, intimidating voice- Have you generals completed your > mission? Tsuneo: [Nephlite] No, sir, the fic's still running! Rebecca: Nice twist to an old gag. > [The generals suddenly drop the marshmellows Dan: [Jedite] I was enjoying that! > and snap to attention.] > Generals: Yes, Lord Vega, SIR! > (No, not the Vega with the spandex pants, mask and claw.) Dan: Nah, I never would have guessed that. Let's see... large, caped, shillouetted figure, glowing blue, military cap... Yup, it's spandex-boy! > Vega: I see. There is another mission I have for you. There is a man in black > power armor somewhere here. I want you to find and destroy him, NOW! > IS THAT UNDERSTOOD! > Generals: Yes, Lord Vega, SIR! Rick: [Kunzite] Yah big-chinned pansy. > [The generals leave. Rebecca: Thankfully. Dan: [Malachite] Thank god that's over. Anyone for coffee? > The camera angle changes so that some light is shone on > Vega from the fire. His cape is black and his suit is red. His eyes glow with > an eerie bluish-white. Tsuneo: Err... just one question, but what's he doing here? Rick: He's doing bit parts to pay for his chin implants. > A warrior in white armor approaches him.] > White: Die, negaverse scum! > [The guy in white swings his broadsword at Vega. Vega teleports out of the > way and hurls a ball of purple energy at the white guy. The white guy dies.] Rick: No-one will be seated during the thrilling "Fighting the White Guy scene!" Tsuneo: I wonder if he knows Rift and Zar? > Vega: _Hmm. I'm not concerned with taking over this puny moon. My attention > lies elsewhere. Dan: [Vega] I'm going to Disneyland! > And I believe Ankoku could prove quite a threat to my > plans. I must eliminate him if I am to succeed._ Tsuneo: [Vega] Or the world is to survive. > Beryl: Vega! > [Vega swings around, surprised. Tsuneo: Accidentally clouting another Guy in White with his chin. Thank you! > He realises this is Queen Beryl and bows down. Rick: [Makes loud tearing noise] Whoops! Rebecca: [Beryl] Interesting taste in underwear, Vega. > He has a very angry and jealous expression on his face. Almost as if it > hurts him to admit there's someone superior to himself.] Dan: You mean besides Akuma, Ken, Ryu and half-a-million fanboys out there? > Vega: Yes, my Queen. Rebecca: [Beryl] I do wish he'd stop calling me that. > Beryl: Explain your actions. WHY did you send MY Dan: [Beryl] Mine! Mine! They're all mine! You can't have them! > generals away from their primary mission? Rebecca: [Vega] 'Cause Zoicite's cuter than me! That's not allowed! > Vega: I believe Ankoku could possibly prove a threat to our objective. Rick: [Vega] So I sent all your troops away... oops. > Beryl: How dare you LIE to ME! All you're concerned with is personal revenge > and power! Tsuneo: Desires revenge, check! Powerhungry, check! Yup, he's a villain! > Vega: And you're not? Dan: Take the fifth! > [Beryl is not too pleased about hearing that. She fires some dark energy Rick: Some dark energy? Tsuneo: Any old dark energy. Dan: Uugh. I'm having Chaos in Time flashbacks. > at > Vega. He leaps up into the air to dodge it. She throws another dark bolt up > at him. This time, he doubles back in mid air and gives her a flying flaming > punch to the head. She falls down Rebecca: [Beryl] I've fallen, and I can't get up! > and Vega teleports away. Rick: [Vega] Now that you're down, I'll press the advantage by... running away. Yah. Whatever. > He appears in a > section of land outside the main battlefield. The four generals are > unconscious on the ground. Rick: Man, what was in those Marshmellows? > Vega looks around.] > Vega: Ankoku! Show yourself!! Tsuneo: [Analkoku] No! > Ankoku: Well, Vega. Long time no see. Rebecca: [Vega] Hi, honey! > [Ankoku, in his power armor, appears out of the shadows.] > Vega: I see you have defeated my generals. Dan: [Vega] I'd rented them from Beryl, and there goes my damage deposit! > Quite admirable. > Ankoku: Yes, isn't it. And now, I shall have the pleasure of destroying you. > [Ankoku shoots a lazer Rick: I wonder what that's an acronym for? > beam at Vega. Vega dodges the beam by teleporting > behind him. He then does his flaming fist uppercut to blast Ankoku into the > air and initiate an air combo. Tsuneo: [Bored] Intense fighting game action. [Yawns] > Vega beats the snot out of Ankoku in the air, All: Woo-hoo! > then pulls back, ignites himself with blue flame, Rick: Well, that was smart, pal. > and darts strait across in > mid air while spinning. Ankoku, upon reaching the ground, yells,] > Ankoku: Akigiyama Missile! Dan: Grrr... Rick: At least he could have the decency to invent new attacks rather than ripping 'em off from the GOOD stuff! Rebecca: Thought for the day. What colour was B-Ko's armour? Tsuneo: Black, mostly. Rebecca: And Analkoku's? [They all pause in thouhgt, then start to snigger] > [, and Vega is struck with a barrage of mini-missiles from Ankoku's forearm > mounted missile launcher. Vega, hurt too much to admit, flies high up into > the sky.] > Vega: We'll meet again, Ankoku. Count on it. Tsuneo: Now's about the time when he swears vengance and gets his ass humiliatingly whipped next episode. > [Then he teleports away.] Tsuneo: Lucky bastard. > Ankoku: _Anytime, Vega._ Rebecca: [Analkoku] Your place or mine? > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Send questions, answers, comments, criticism, etc to Ron Keating or Justin Tucker. Dan: [Cartman] I think you're a big fat piece of crap. > ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > Back [The TV switches off.] Dan: [Stunned] That... was terrible. Rebecca: [Stunned] Weren't it just. Tsuneo: This guy thinks he can write? He tears up dramatic conventions, then uses them to his advantage! This sucks! Rick: And the worst of all: It's a self-insertion! Rebecca: I want to see Megatron kick the crap out of Sailor Moon! Dan: As if! She's way more powerful than him. Rebecca: Get real, fanboy. Voice: Okay, can it will you? Tsuneo: That was so painful. Can we review it now? Voice: Actually... no. I've got the other two parts which also need viewing. All: WHAT? Voice: Look, I appreciate how hard it was. I'm giving you a break before part two, okay. Rick: [Mutterring] Must... resist... urge... to use... fist of death... Tsuneo: Oh, man. What are we gonna do now? [The screen goes blank] Rebecca: Why, Analkoku! You have such *good* taste in armour! [They all snigger] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Jinas' world: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/index.htm RPG info, amateur fanfics, MSTing site and official Bubblegum Crossfire material. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > THAT is something up with which I SHALL NOT PUT! Tsuneo: [Tries to say something but bursts out laughing] Rebecca: "Gyra famous on Amy," huh?