Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Episode 63, and back to the world of Final Fantasy VII for another bizzare, surreal and overall stupid outing. Final Fantasy 7 is copyright Squaresoft. Tifa's Birthday is copyright Beefyboy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on a shelf above the TV.] [Rebecca, Rick and Tsuneo are already seated - Rebecca and Ri8ck facing the TV, Tsuneo on the next to Rick on the corner. Dan enters.] Dan: Hey guys, sorry I'm late. Rebecca: About time you showed up. Dan: Sorry, had something on my mind. Rick: There's a first. Dan: Very funny. [Dan walks over and sits next to Tsuneo] Dan: I was going through a brochure for the upcoming con. Tsuneo: What, Generic Anime Con '99? Dan: Yeah. It's gonna have a costume competition with a great prize for first place. Rick: So are you considering entering? Dan: Of course! Just one problem, though. Rebecca: Let me guess, you can't decide who to go as. Dan: Bingo. Any hints, guys? Rick: Cousin It? Dan: It's an anime con, you twerp. Rick: Wishful thinking. Rebecca: How about Kaji? Dan: Yeah, I could pull that off. Hey, how about you come too, as Misato? We'd make a great team entrant. Rebecca: How about I shoot you? Dan: I'd just come back to life. Tsuneo: ... Rick: Ouch. Dan: I was looking at video games for a bit. How about I go as Baek from Tekken? Tsuneo: That would be underachieving. Dan: Ain't it great? I've just gotta stick a Korean whatsit on the back of my jacket and I'm set. Tsuneo: That's too cheap, even for you. Besides, no-one would give you a prize for that. Dan: Nuts. Any suggestions? Rick: Well, you could put on a pink gi and- [Dan throws a cushion at him] Forget it. Rebecca: You could put on a white polyester suit and slick your hair. Dan: Huh? Rebecca: Never mind. Actually... Rick: Uh, oh. What? Rebecca: I think I could get a suit of Southern Cross Armour together with little or no trouble. Tsuneo: You're thinking of entering too? Rebecca: Why ever the hell not? Tsuneo: Fair enough. Hey Rick, who would you go as? Rick: Beats me. you? Tsuneo: Well, with a white gi - minus the sleeves of course - and a red headband, I think I would make a good Ryu. Rick: Yes, but would you wear blue shoes or not? Tsuneo: ... Rebecca: Although no-one here's gonna let you get away with Kaneda. Tsuneo: Come on, only you'd be that unoriginal. Actually, there's an idea for you Rick, just go as Ken. Rick: Yeah, right. No way am I going as someone named after Barbie's boyfriend. Tsuneo: I think you're missing the point here. Dan: Guys? What about me? Rick: Besides which, no-one likes Ken. Rebecca: Yeah, he's the great "also ran" of Street Fighter. Dan: Guys? Hello? Voice: If I may interrupt- Rebecca: Sure thing, professor Vault. Voice: Uh... Even I don't get that one. Rebecca: Actually, I'm wondering where I pulled it from myself. Voice: Whatever. There's some fanmail that needs answering. [They get up and cluster around the computer. Tsuneo fiddles with the mouse for a second.] Tsuneo: Well, there's two here. The first one's from Meagan on various MSTings. > After stumbling across your version of "Cruel Lina's Thesis", Dan: You screamed in agony, no doubt. > I visited your site and read most of the other MiSTings. The result > is this peice of, unquestionably, fanmail. > First, some nicknames: > Tsuneo: Wonder-boy Tsuneo: ... > Rick: Ego-boy Rebecca: Cute. > Dan: Fan-boy Dan: *The* fanboy! > Rebbeca: Girl-boy Rick: Well I like it. > Next, some support. > ::Holds up sing saying 'Stop Dan Abuse':: Dan: Woo-hoo! I've got a fan! Rick: [Quietly to Rebecca] For the dozens, and dozens... > And now, some comments on some riffs from some fics. > "Cruel Lina's Thesis": > >> Ristuko is still trying to debug Balthazar... > > > >Tsuneo: It's sulking because Ritsuko hasn't given it a Mothers' > > Day card in years. > >Rick: Nah, it just wants its FTB. > >Dan: FTB? > >Rick: Fluffy Teddy Bear. > >Rebecca: Nice and obscure there. > She should try initiating the GBL. Rebecca: That would also work. > "Heart's Battleground" (I think): > >> "Unit 01, retreat back to the underground now!" > > > >All: WHAT? > It's a subway. It's a political movement. > It's a subway and a political movement. Rick: The London Underground is not a political movement. > "More than Meets the Eye": > >>If anyone has any idea of a better word for this place, e-mail Ron).] > > > >Rick: [Ron] While you're at it, does anyone actually know what > > happens to your left sock in the wash? I mean, do they get lost in > > the workings? Do they disintegrate, or what? > ::jinglejinglejingle:: Rick: Damn. Sorry, I didn't mean to create another one. > >> Greg: How do you propose to build this? > > >Rick: Let's see... We need three miles of shoelaces, a whole lot of > > brown paper, two dozen assorted cardboard boxes, a tanker load of > > vodka and the left sock of a basketball star. > Rick *is* MacGuyver. Rick: But better looking. And I don't have Selma and Patty chasing after me. Rebecca: A definite advantage. > >> Soundwave: Master Megatron. Starscream. Your attention please. > > > >Rick: [Soundwave] There's a bloody pulp with a camcorder over there. > This one made me double other laughing and nearly alert my mother > that I wasn't really doing my homework. > Had to re-read it a few dozen times to stop it from being so funny. > >> C-Moon: MUUN SAIBAA ITAANALU PURISAAMU SEPUTAA ALUFAA KIISU! > AI KENUU MEIKU BADOO ROMAANISEESHIOUN ARUSOO! Tsuneo: I'll pay that one. > >Dan: Starscream's been playing Tomb Raider again. > >Rebecca: Don't ever mention that game again. > If you were to not ever mention every game, book or anime that has > ever been used in any lame self-insertion, you wouldn't have an awful > lot to talk about... Rebecca: No, I just don't like Tomb Raider. > Side note about DJ Croft: it could've been worse. Two words: > "PenPen's lover"... > "HellStorm Evangelion": > >> AND I WIL BE YOU EXECUSHIONER!!!" > > >Rick: Whatever one of those is. > ::Shakes head:: Tsk, tsk. Look closer: 'Exe- cushion -er'. You guys > do it yourselves all the time but still can't spot it? Dan: Funny. > >Rebecca: How come all the good authours think their fics are > >rubbish, yet all the rubbish authours think their fics are good? > That's just jumping to conclusions. By that logic, my fics would be good ones. Rick: Let's not go there. > >> Issei and Shinji found a portal under his bed > > > >Rebecca: See what happens when you don't clean up your room? > >Dan: Yes, mum. > I KNEW IT!!!! > And on that note of discovery, I now end this post. > Meagen Dan: It's all lies. Tsuneo: Thank you for writing! Our second one's a bit interesting. Rick: How so? Tsuneo: It's from Rick Borden on our MSTing of his fic, Altered Future. > I finally got around to reading your MSTings of the > first two chapters of "Altered Future." and I have to > say... It was fun! Really, seriously, fun! I'm glad > you guys liked Kelly - I put my heart and soul into > her character and into making her as true-to-life as > possible. Rebecca: We like Kelly. She's not as omnipotent as all the other BGC avatars. And her hardsuit isn't as ludicrously armed. It doesn't even have hip-mounted guns. > Just a few things... Firstly, the spelling. I know it > had a few problems, but I composed half of it online > and half in Works, then converted to text. I don't > always get to spell check it (my computer access is > unfortunately limited), but I'll remember to be more > thorough in future. Tsuneo: Don't worry about it. All Elmer Studios MSTings contain no less than 63 spelling errors. Bonus points to anyone who can spot them all. > Secondly, the fight scenes. Hmm, you're right, you > know. I have her dominating them in the fic an awful > lot. I probably should cut back and, let the other > Sabers do stuff, but the fic is mostly about Kelly. If > that sounds a bit rude, I guess that's just the way it > is. I'm only planning on writing five chapters, so I > have to tell as much of her story as possible. Dan: Okay, so Kelly does haul their asses out of the fire all the time, but it's not like she does *everything.* > Thirdly, Mackie and Nigel. I really have to say that I > haven't got a handle on their characters yet (I > haven't seen much of the series, sorry) so don't > expect to see them any time soon. From what I've > heard, they don't do much in the show anyway (kinda > like nene) Rick: Ever get the feeling he doesn't like Nene? Rebecca: Gee, I wonder why. > Last of all, those darned innuendoes. Well, you're > half-right. Some of them were on purpose, kind of a > tribute to the show. Others were quite accidental, I > must say. Rebecca sure has a filthy mind. Rebecca: It's a living. Rick: I'm sure the writers of 2040 would be proud. > Finally, I'd like to wrap up by saying that I really > enjoyed reading your MSTings and would like your > permission to post them up on my page, along with the > originals. Oh, and by the way... > >> water for weighting. They wanted to test her > >flexibility and skill. > >Rick: Excellent, of course. > >Rebecca: There will be a lemon about that soon. > I'm working on just that. Would you guys care to riff > it too? Rick: Um... Rebecca: We meant that as a joke. Dan: I'll do it! Tsuneo: You would. Anyway, thank you both for writing in! Voice: Now that's done- Rebecca: What's on the agenda, head? Voice: Today's fic is a short one. It's a Final Fantasy VII fic, set after the end of the game. Rick: Anyone want to take bets on who's inexplicably alive? Dan: Too easy. [They return to the couches. The screen lights up.] > Tifa's Birthday > By Beefyboy All: Mmm, beefy! > *NOTE: This was my first ever fanfic so it really sucks. Tsuneo: Expect great hurting ahead. Dan: At least he's honest. > Anyways it is written in script format and stuff* Rick: You know... Stuff. Rebecca: I wonder what the asterisk's for. > This is an introduction to what has happened after the defeat of Seph, Tsuneo: Ah yes, the defeat of Seph, the fall of Shin and the destruction of the Met. > if you just want the story Rebecca: Forget it. Dan: Read something else. Rick: Play the game instead. > scroll until it says May 3, 1998 Rebecca: Can we? Voice: No. > One Month after the final battle > Noone was prepared for what was ahead. Tsuneo: Final Fantasy VIII? > BOREDOM! With all monsters vanquished and Seph gone what was there to do? Dan: Oh, not much. You know, rebuild, help people get their lives back on track, salvage what they can from the ruins of Midgar, that kind of stuff. > The group had split up because they weren't needed Rick: That and they hated each other's guts. > but, the promised each other that they would come back together if necessary. Rebecca: Oh, you mean when Yuffie needed to mooch money off someone? > Yuffie went back to Wutai to her family. Dan: And was promptly kicked out again. > Red XIII went back to Cosmo Canyon since, he was its protector. Rebecca: That and he left his stamp collection there. > Cid went back to rocket town to try to build his dream and he also went back to Shera. Rick: Poor Cid. How's he meant to cope without someone to get him his tea and yell at? > Vincent just left but, everyone knew > if the needed to find he would be in his cave. Dan: Quick! To the Vince cave! Whoosh! Tsuneo: [Vincent] Don't mind me. > Barret and Marlene went to North Corel to help rebuild. Rebecca: Sounds kind of futile if you ask me. > Reeve *Cait Sith* became leader of the new Shinra. Rick: Congratulations, you get to boss around Palmer. Now what? > All that was left was Tifa and Cloud. Tsuneo: And the Shinra manager. Don't forget the Shinra manager. > Neither of them had family to go back to, or a > hometown. For now they both reside in fake Nibelhiem built by Shinra until they > both figure out what to do. Tsuneo: Excuse me, but they got this sorted out at the end of disk 2. > They both lived in their houses. Dan: That's usually how it's done. Rick: Every now and then they'd swap. > They did do things together since the city was empty except for the two of them. Rebecca: So where'd all the fake Nibelheimians go? Rick: Nibelheimians? Rebecca: I think I just made that one up. > Cloud would go > over and Tifa would cook for the two of them since Cloud burned scrambled eggs > and Tifa's cooking was way better than burnt eggs. Rick: Cloud Strife! He can save the world, he can defeat all kinds of monsters, but he can't cook eggs. > To Cloud this was his childhood. Dan: Except everything was a lot shorter. > Sometimes Cloud would wake up for no reason and go outside. Rick: Then he'd realise that he was in his pyjamas and looked stupid, and go back inside. > He would climb onto the well and look up at the sky. Tsuneo: It would be pretty stupid if he looked down at the sky. > Then he would look to Tifa's house. Dan: Especially when she was having a shower. > He would see her peacefully resting. He wondered how could > he tell her he loved her since childhood? All: He did. > What if she just liked him as a friend? Tsuneo: Sorry, where you asleep during that quiet sojourn on a hillside? Dan: Nah, he probably just skipped the dialogue and cut straight to the monster bashing. > Cloud was really desperate and asked Barret for advice. Rick: That is desperate. Tsuneo: At least he didn't ask Cid. Rebecca: [Cid] Just %^%^& tell her you little !@$^ or I'll go around and @#^%# her for ya! > Barret hit Cloud on the head and said just tell her!!!!!! Rick: Sounds oddly right. > But whenever he gained enough courage to confront, Tsuneo: Not to actually confront anything, just to randomly confront. > she would look at him with her eyes Dan: What's she meant to look at him with, her ears? > and it would destroy any courage inside Cloud. Rebecca: Come on Cloud, if you can face down Emerald Weapon, you can face your girlfriend. > To Tifa this was her second chance. Even when they knew each other as childen, > Tifa had been so ignorant of Cloud's loyalty to her. Rick: She'd been pretty ignorant of his existance period. Rebecca: Read: she slept around town. > When she was in the > lifestream with Cloud she saw what see had missed during their childhood. Dan: Potty training? > She knew she should do something but, what? Tsuneo: Destroy all the randomly inserted commas? > Just go a tell him directly? Rick: Yes! Please! Rebecca: Maybe that'll get this over before it begins. > No she is to shy to do that. All: Huh? Rebecca: Sorry, I refuse to believe that anyone with implants like that who gets around in a tank top and a miniskirt would be shy. > She noticed that he had been acting strange lately. Dan: And all along I thought Cloud acting strange was perfectly natural. > He had trouble talking to her. Tsuneo: Cloud? Maybe not with your mouth full. Rick: I guess the scrambled eggs are just *that* good. > Also on some nights she heard him leave his house and > climb the well. Rick: Maybe he's just after a drink. Rebecca: And once in a while he'd try on that disguise which *really* worried her. > Her memories flashed back to the fateful night when he Rick: Got drunk and threw up all over her. Dan: Mistook a lamp post for a monster and hacked it to bits. > promised her. Tsuneo: Promised her what? Rebecca: [Tifa] Cloud, promise me one thing. Dan: [Cloud] Okay, I promise. > She thought to herself, he did keep that promise. Tsuneo: We went over all this in the actual game. > Unknown to them a new enemy was gaining strength and power. Dan: The Sith? > This new enemy had powers that even rivaled that of the Great Sephiroth Rebecca: Ah, that would be Darth Cait. > *May 3, 1998* Rick: Ah, at last the script has arrived. > *It is Tifa's birthday if you don't know!* Tsuneo: No-one told us. Rick: Well that was the fic's title. Tsuneo: What's that got to do with anything? > Since Tifa played a major role in saving the world Rick: She did the catering. > the whole group decided to have a suprise party for her. Rebecca: Except for Aeris who didn't get much of a say in the matter. Dan: Any reason you didn't like Aeris? Rebecca: She was a screaming little wuss and wasted too much valuable disk space on unnecessary romantic tension. Tsuneo: Ever wonder why it was called a role-playing game? Rebecca: Yeah, but you never got the option to cruelly snub her, did you? Rick: She's got a point there. Tsuneo: ... > Everyone had a big role. Dan: Except for Vincent who only really got a sidestory. But never mind. > Yuffie was in charge of decorations, Rick: Oh, great. One explosion of cuteness coming up. > Cait Sith was in charge of entertainment, Tsuneo: I thought he was Reeve nowadays? Rick: Are you kidding? Reeve gets to sit in his office while Cait Sith's off partying. Dan: Lucky bastard. I want a spare body like that. > Barret & Vincent were in charge of the guest list, Rick: [Barret] Yo! Should we invite him? Dan: [Vincent] No. Rick: [Barret] How about this guy? Dan: [Vincent] No. Rick: [Barret] What about him? Dan: [Vincent] No. Rebecca: Ah, Vincent. the death of the party. > Red XIII & Cid were in charge of food, Rick: Mmm, kitty kibble and tea. Dan: It's a dog. Rick: It's a lion. Dan: It's a dog! Rick: It's a lion! Dan: It howls at the moon! It's a frikking dog! Rick: It's got a mane! It's a ferking lion! Tsuneo: Give it a rest, you guys. > and Cloud's job was Dan: To have the funniest hair in the whole place. > to make sure Tifa didn't find out. Of course the party would be held a the > biggest resort town ever!! WUTAI!!!!!!!!!!! Tsuneo: Wouldn't Sold Saucer be a better idea? Rebecca: Shush. > Yuffie:Hey! Wutai isn't a resort town %#$^R%. Rick: She's been getting dialogue coaching from Cid. Dan: Who's she talking to anyway? Tsuneo: I think it's the authour. Dan: Oh, okay... Huh? > Me: Oh shut up!!*Delete key destroys the hideous woodchuck* Rebecca: I'd cheer if it wasn't so stupid. Tsuneo: That's just pathetic. The authour exercises their divine right as an authour to rampantly eliminate characters he doesn't like. Dan: Since when was she a woodchuck? > Yuffie:I'm not a woodchuck........(she said in her last breath) > Me: Yes you are people voted that you are one in a survey.... Rick: It's noteworthy that the survey also included a question of how many drugs you take. > Cloud: Awww crap who is going to do decorations? Tsuneo: Ain't anyone concerned about what just happened to Yuffie? Dan: Are you kidding? They'd be cheering by now. > Vincent: Oh I will I've waited all my life to do some interior decorating! All: The hell? Rick: Vincent Valentine: Unwitting experimental gineau pig, lurking brooding vampire and would-be interior decorator. > Barret:You are messed up Vince. Rebecca: No comment. > Vincent: Oh be nice Barret! All: The hell? Dan: Shouldn't he be wallowing in a pit of his own despair by now? > Everyone but Vincent: WHAT!?!?!? BRING YUFFIE BACK PLEASE!!!!!! Rick: Yeah, the brooding gothic look really ruins a birthday party. > Me:Fine *Yuffie appears back* Rebecca: Unfortunately, she respawned right in another player's sights. That's gonna hurt. > Vincent:Oh fiddle sticks! Tsuneo: I hope the so-called humour in this fic doesn't stay consistent. > After that everyone went to their tasks. Rick: I thought this was meant to be in script format or something. > Cloud was quite happy he was assigned to stay with Tifa. Rebecca: [Tifa] Is that Ragnarok in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? > Cloud:Hmmmmmm what should I do with Tifa to pass the time?? Rebecca: Figure it out, Cloud. Dan: Mean, she's got huge... She wears that... And that really short... You know. > I know we can go to the Gold Saucer. Rick: Yeah, that'll blow away a couple of minutes. Never mind that it's half-way across the world. > Barret:Hey Vincent we already have everyone that is going to Tifa's party here > already. Dan: That was quick. Rebecca: What do you know, they only invited each other. > Vincent:Barret we can play this cool game Final Fantasy Tactics! Tsuneo: And once again, the fourth wall comes crashing down around our heads. > Barret:Kick Ass!!!! Rick: Additional dialogue by Eric Cartman. > Cait Sith:Hmmmmmm....... What would be fun? Dan: How about a game of mog ball? Rebecca: I'll go with that. > I know!! I'll get a karaoke machine!! Tsuneo: That's fun? > And if they can't sing it will be even better! Rick: That does it, you are sick. > Yuffie:Alright I'm all done! > Cid:What the *)Y#$^*&(% you didn't do a #@$) Dan: And what does that mean? Never mind that, what's he swearing *at?* > Yuffie: Do you actually want me to do something? > Cid: Not really. Rebecca: Score one to Yuffie. It's not like she did anything for the game anyway. Tsuneo: One word: Leviathan. > Yuffie:Good, I'm going to see what Cloud and Tifa are up to. Rick: Sorry Yuffie, you're not old enough. > Cid:Whatever just get out of my face! [Rebecca cheers] > Red XIII:Cid I have a few words that will solve our problem.....Did somebody say > McDonald's? Rick: You call that food? Dan: It's got to be better than cat food. Rick: He's a dog! Dan: He's a lion! Tsuneo: [Whispered to Rebecca] Wasn't it the other way around earlier? Rebecca: [Whispered to Tsuneo] Don't tell them that. > Cid:Good thinking now I'm going to Rocket Town to swear and drink tea Rebecca: Congratulations, I think you've got everyone's characterization down to the lowest dimension possible. > but, I'll be back. Tsuneo: It's just a quick hop across the ocean, you can be back within the hour. > *At the Northern Crater* > Evil Person: Dan: Why do all the evil people have to hang out here? It's so damn cold and drafty. > Ha ha look at them make their silly little party, while I shall rule > over all of them. Dan: Hey, it's Dr. Evil. Rick: Well they're making it, I don't see any ruling happening. > I easily defeated Sephiroth Tsuneo: Actually, that was Cloud. I don't know what you think you did. > I can crush Cloud into to being my slave, Ha ha ha. Rebecca: [Evil voice] Let's see, laugh maniacally, place pinky in front of mouth, stroke cat. Yup, got it all down. > The new evil walked into the light and she was revealed! Dan: It's the PC queen! > It was Aeris. Rick: Tiny problem: She's dead, in case you hadn't noticed. > Not the same one before but, a twisted form controlled by the lifestream. Tsuneo: So the lifestream's evil. That makes... Huh? Dan: So she's wearing, say, scanty black leather or something like that? Cool. Rick: Yeah, but the pink ribbon really ruins the whole effect. > Aeris:I defeated Meteor with ease and destroying this fools shall be a cake walk > Ha ha ha! Tsuneo: No actual reason *why* she wants to kill them... > *At the Gold Saucer* Rick: Where admission is almost as expensive as the marked-up hot dogs. > Tifa:Cloud why did you take me here?(she then winked at him with her lovely > eyes) Tsuneo: Amazing, it changed from script to prose in one line. > Cloud:ummmmmm............ because..........Barret is eating tuna? All: Okaaay... Rick: That might be a good reason... > Tifa:Ok Cloud........let's go on the Gondola. > Cloud:Ok! Rebecca: Such *intense* dialogue. I can't keep up. > Tifa and Cloud got into the Gondola and went off. Unknown to them Tsuneo: They were in the middle of a crappy fanfic. > Yuffie had tracked them down and was riding on the top. > Yuffie:Hee Hee I got my camera, this should be good. Dan: Playboy should pay heaps. > Cloud and Tifa were seated next to each other on the Gondola. Rick: It's not like there's anywhere else to sit. > Tifa:Cloud what would it be like if we had never met? Rick: Kinda flat, actually. Tsuneo: Very improbable, given they both came from the same small town. > Cloud:Tifa, I .......wouldn't...want to be in a world without you. All: Aww... > Tifa:Cloud.......(with a tear in her eye) Rick: Oh, John... Dan: Oh, Marsha... Rick: Oh, John... Dan: Oh, Marsha... Rebecca: Oh, shut up. > Then Cloud leaned over and kissed Tifa. He could feel flashing lights Tsuneo: *Feel* flashing lights? What, is he sensitive to EMP? > but, he just thought it was the Gold Saucer. Rebecca: Are you sure it wasn't just another halucinogenic fit? > Yuffie:Oh Gawd! Better take at least ten pictures to be on the safe side! Rick: [Yuffie] Come on, more or something. Give me life. > Yuffie than ran off Dan: [Yuffie] Wait, I forgot I was on a gondolaaa... > and went to get the pictures developed. Meanwhile the ride ended Tsuneo: Meanwhile, in the same scene. > and Tifa and Cloud were still kissing Rick: [Cloud, muffled] Got my damn braces stuck. > until a ride attendant had to tell them to leave. Tsuneo: [Attendant] Other people need to use this ride, you know. > As they left the ride Cloud got on his knees. Rebecca: He tripped. > Cloud:Tifa..... Rick: [Cloud] Can I borrow five bucks? Rebecca: [Tifa] That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me! > will you do me the honor of being my wife? Rebecca: Well, it would be rather odd if he asked her to be his husband... > Tifa:I will Cloud. Dan: After that, she might possibly rain. Tsuneo: Where's a comma when you need one? > They heard ohhhss and ahhhhs from the crowd but, they didn't care they were > finally happy. Dan: And this dreary scene was finally over. > Tifa:Let's go back and tell the others! Rick: Think about this for a second: Do you really want to? > Cloud(forgetting his mission):Ok Tifa let's go. > *Back at the crater* Rebecca: Meanwhile, back in the Batcave. > Aeris:Damn Tifa. Rebecca: [Aeris] Goddamned Tifa! Can't stand her. > No matter I will take over the Earth! Dan: [Aeris] Or whatever this planet's called. Rick: So what's that got to do with Cloud proposing? > Now to visit the new couple. HA HA HA HA HA HA! Dan: [Aeris] Or should I go for a more urbane Alan-Rickman-in-"Die-Hard" vibe? Rick: I think you should go for a Dennis-Hopper-in-"Blue-Velvet" approach. > *Back at the party* Tsuneo: Back at another pointless scene. > Noone had really done their job they were just too damn lazy Rebecca: Remember, these people saved the world. Rick: And Barret needs two hands to write out the invitations anyway. > except for Cait Sith who had gotten a karaoke machine and was singing. Dan: Cruel and unusual punishment. > Cait Sith:Chica dee China the Chinese chicken you have a drumstick and your > brain stops tickin' watching X-files with no lights on........... Rick: [Singing] Jerry's the king of confrontation, he's a sensation, he puts the "sin" in syndication... Tsuneo: Thanks for that, Rick. > Vincent:ARGGG!!! Cait Sith you can't sing the Barenakedladies song "One Week" > worth crap! Rebecca: A karaoke machine is Music Skill -1. > Red XIII (runs in):Bare Naked Ladies!! Where! Dan: I should be so lucky. Rick: Red, you have problems. > Vincent:What!?!? Red XIII of all the... Rebecca: Red XIII! Voted least likely to appear in an FF7 fanfic. > Red XIII (interrupts):Hey! A lion has needs too you know!(stomps off angrily) Dan: [Muttered] Dog. Rick: [Muttered] Lion. Tsuneo: I give up. > Barret:Damn Cid you ate all the food!! Dan: [Barret] That's my job! > Cid:I'm going through a mid-life crisis so leave me alone!!! Rick: Cid's been going through a twenty-year mid-life crisis. Leave him alone. > Barrent goes back to his game. Rebecca: So, what's on FFT? > Barret:DAMN DELITA KILLED OLEVIA YOU BASTARD I'LL SHOOT YOU FULL OF HOLES!!!!!!!! Tsuneo: Everyone dies in FFT. Get used to it. > Vincent:Calm down Barret it's just a game. Dan: Wait 'til they find that secret character. That's gonna be fun. > Barret (crying):WHY! WHY! Rick: Why? Dan: Because. Rick: Why anything? Dan: Infinite domain error. Redo from start. Rebecca: Nice and obscure, guys. > She was so cool, damn people who made this game!! Rebecca: Authour, here's your next target. > Vincent:It's ok Barret those developers are a bunch of bums anyways. Tsuneo: Yeah, they only spend endless hours dreaming up, creating, designing, programming, scripting and building you, the world you live in and everything around you. Who needs 'em? > The door bursts open and Cloud and Tifa come in. Rick: Packing Colt 45's in each hand. Rebecca: Beefyboy Tarantino presents: Pulp Fantasy VII. > Cloud:I'm getting married WHOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!! Dan: [Cloud] I get to boff Tifa and none of the rest of you do! Ha, ha! > Tifa:What is with banner here....... Rebecca: [Tifa] Congratulations on your boob job? The hell? > Oh Wow! You guys were planning a suprise party for me! Rick: Actually it was for Bugenhagen, but no-one here can spell his name. And writing "Happy Birthday Buggy" would be just plain wrong. > Everyone but Cloud & Tifa:DAMN YOU CLOUD YOU IDIOT! YOU SUPPOSE TO KEEP HER > BUSY! Tsuneo: Oh, come on! He only travelled half-way across the world, forked out an incredible amount for a ride, proposed to her and flew her half-way across the globe back here. And given that there aren't any trans-continental airlines in this game, I think he deserves a bit of credit. > Cloud (sweating driping down his head):Umm.......I forgot? Rebecca: Genius, boy. Dan: Hey, he got carried away in the heat of the moment. True, that includes the entire flight back, but never mind. > Suddenly a flash of light appears and in comes Aeris! Rick: Hey, it's the Y2A problem. [Dead silence] Rick: Okay, that one fell flat. > Aeris: Sorry to interrupt but, I need to make Cloud my slave and take over the > world k'! Tsuneo: At least she's honest. Rick: That has got to be the most god-damned stupid thing I've ever read! What kind of evil plan is that? Dan: [Aeris] Come on, work with me here people. Throw me a frikking bone. > Then the lifestream burst out and possessed Cloud Tsuneo: I'd still like to know why the lifestream's turned evil. Dan: Maybe it's just bored. > Tifa:OK THAT IS IT! I have dreamed of this day since I saw Cloud again, I stayed > by his side when he was sick, Rick: [Tifa] In a five-day vigil, never sleeping, never eating... Oh wait, that's Turtleninja. > and now he is my husband!! Dan: Not yet! Geez, some people are so possessive. > NO FREAK HIGH ON LIFESTREAM IS GETTING IN MY WAY! > Barret(to Vincent):Aeris is screwed. Tsuneo: She's dead too, but never mind. Rebecca: Guess that would be necrophilia then. > Vincent:You can say that again! Rick: [Vincent] Am I contributing anything here? Just wondering. > Tifa rushed at Aeris. Rebecca: Girl, this is neither the time nor place. > On the way she grabbed Cloud sword to add some extra pain > to her limit breaks. Tsuneo: I'm trying to picture Tifa waving around a big-ass spatula sword while she does her limit breaks. Nup. Rebecca: Come on, she can pull those off while carrying around some pretty heavy equipment. Tsuneo: Don't. > Tifa started her usual kicking and punching but sometimes > would slash at Aeris with Cloud's sword. Rick: What an intense and riveting fight scene. > Tifa:YOU &^%^$%*** I KILL YOU (*&^(^&%^*%*& YEAH YEAH THAT'S RIGHT YOU DIE YOU > DIE AND YOU GO TO HELL*(&^(*%*%*%^^&(!!!!!!!!! Dan: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die! Rebecca: [Aeris] Been there, done that. > Cid:My god she beat me in swearing?!? Unbelievable! Rick: What was she actually saying anyway? > Aeris:When will the hurting stop? Tsuneo: That's what I'd like to know. Dan: She looks about as bored as us. > The lifestream then lost control of Cloud but, took Aeris safely away from the > rampaging Tifa. Tsuneo: Whisked away by the need for a quick end. > Aeris:I'll be back you just wait and see!! Rebecca: Ooh, I'm so scared. Rick: [Aeris] I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too! Dan: Lion. > Cloud:I hope we don't get into any fights, that looks like it could leave a > mark. Rebecca: Just "leave a mark?" Dan: Well Cloud doesn't have more than 20,000 hit points. > *Yuffie runs in* Rick: [Yuffie, panting] Geez, do you know how hard it is to jog here from Gold Saucer? > Yuffie:Guys! Check out these pictures I got of Tifa and Cloud making out!!!!! Dan: [Barret] Melons! > Tifa & Cloud:Why you little!!!! > Yuffie:Ekkk!!!! ¡Hasta Luego! Rick: Since when does Yuffie speak Spanish? If anything, I thought she would've spoken fanboy Japanese. > Yuffie then ran off and Tifa amd Cloud followed her. Rebecca: Follow that woodchuck! > *In another house in Wutai* > Old man:And that story tells us why you should never try to sell Girl Scout > Cookies to that house! Dan: It's time for another good idea, bad idea. > Young girl:Ok daddie what a bunch of weirdos they were! Tsuneo: Have you ever been near that tower? Just wondering. > The End for now!!!!!! All: Yay! [The TV switches off.] Dan: That was stupid. Rick: And pointless. Rebecca: And stupid and pointless. Tsuneo: Why do people write stuff like this? Rebecca: Because they think they're funny? Dan: I hope not. Voice: So, how about reviews? Tsuneo: Me, I was amazed at the sheer futility of the whole piece. The authour tries to make up for having skipped important parts of the game's story, and then has Aeris who's alive (for no good reason) and evil (for no good reason) try to capture Cloud (for no good reason) and ruin Tifa's birthday. Why? Because. Rebecca: This fic was pretty pointless. Everyone's OOC, there's very little story, the dialogue is mainly limited to everyone swapping one-liners and the characters act just plain stupid. Rick: Evil Aeris got the best lines. Dan: Now I'm stuck with the image of Aeris wearing a scanty black leather outfit, pink ribbon and army boots. Thanks a heap, fic. Rebecca: Any more masterpieces you wish to ram down our throats? Rick: I bet he's just waiting for the onrush of FF8 fics. Tsuneo: I'll bet they're already out there. Dan: Sacry. Hey, what would an FF7/FF8 crossover look like? Rick: Knowing these authours? Stupid. Rebecca: Damn. Now I've been left with the image of the FF8 characters in all their glory next to the FF7 characters in munchkin form. Tsuneo: Come on, let's go. I've gotta get my costume ready. [They leave. The screen goes blank.] Voice: They're out there... I can feel them lurking. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1999 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1999 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAVM conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Aeris: Sorry to interrupt but, I need to make Cloud my slave and take over the > world k'!