Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- And now for episode 119, and it's time for more Bebop Floating Island Silliness! Whoopee. Cowboy Bebop is copyright Sunrise Space Waltz is copyright ChibiJamie ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.] [Rebecca and Tsuneo enter, talking] Rebecca: So then the little rat went and snuck his name onto the credits, despite not having been in the episode. Tsuneo: Figures. How'd he get away with it? Rebecca: Bulk copy and paste. [Dan enters] Dan: I've got to knock off that hard stuff. Tsuneo: What did you do now? Dan: I got drunk and sold my N64 for a dozen Subway Cookies. Rebecca: Idiot. Dan: But they were the ones with Smarties in them! Tsuneo: ...Almost tempting, actually. Rebecca: Thinking of a way to pawn off your Saturn? Tsuneo: Shut up. [A rectangular gate appears, decorated with a psychedelic pattern of yellow and orange swirls. Tango steps through, looking somewhat different to normal. He has a patch over his right eye and a goatee, and is wearing a grey uniform] Tango: What? I'm here. Damn. Dan: Er... Tango? Tango: What? [He pulls out an even more ludicrously oversized gun and points it at Dan] That's it, Spike! The game's over! I'll make sure you never re-voice another neurotic fourteen year-old in your life! Dan: Whoah! Tango! It's me! Dan! Rebecca: Go ahead. This could be funny. Tsuneo: Oh, come on Rebecca. Rebecca: Why? Tsuneo: Well, if he kills Dan, we might have to get another temp. Rebecca: Point. Tango: Wait... Say "I'm sorry" several times, very quickly. Dan: I'm sorry! I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry! Tango: Nope, not you. [He puts away the gun. Don't ask where] Dan: What were you trying to do?! Tsuneo: And what's with the new look? Tango: Sorry about that, Binky. As for the look, I am not the Normal Tango. Rebecca: There's nothing normal about Tango. Tango: I am, in fact, Evil Tango form an Alternate Future. I have been sent back in time to prevent the great cataclysm that destroyed human civilisation. Dan: Which was? Tango: The theatrical release of an ADV-Dubbed End of Evangelion, featuring the voices of Spike Spencer and Tiffany Grant. Rebecca: Yeah, I can see how that would destroy the world. Tango: I have been roaming the space-time continuum trying to prevent this horrible disaster from occurring by delicate alterations to the flow of history. Tsuneo: How? Tango: By blowing stuff up real good! Rebecca: ...I guess that works. Tango: So far, I have created and destroyed a dozen alternate timelines in my efforts to save the future. One of which sees Kim Beazley as president of the universe, even. Tsuneo: A horrible fate. Tango: I have sworn that I will not rest until Spike Spencer and The Tiff are no more, or I am killed till I die of it. [He pauses, then raises a flagpole with a tea-towel on it and salutes] Tsuneo: And I thought our Tango had problems. [A light flashes on Tango's wristwatch] Tango: Hello? What's that, Central Control? The Tiff as Yurika? I'll blow it up right away! Rebecca: You've got a job to do? Tango: It seems I've inadvertently created yet another fragmentary timeline where a horrible series of events has come to pass. [The gateway re-opens] I must fly! Toodle Pipski! [He steps through and the portal vanishes] Tsuneo: Well that was even weirder than usual. Dan: Tango used to frighten me, then I got used to it. Now he frightens me again. Rebecca: There there, Dan. The big bad man's gone now. [The portal re-appears] Tsuneo: Here we go again. [Tango - the "normal" one - leaps out of it and crash-tackles the computer, before leaping to his feet and tapping the side of his head] Tango: Tango to Engineer. Hello? This doesn't look like the Salisbury Plain to me. This appears to be an apartment. Repeat, an apartment. Dan: Hello Tango. Tango: Engineer, you there? One of the natives has spotted me and is attempting to make contact. [To Dan] Hello, me fella number one, other fella number ten, catchee all same same, you Savvy? Tsuneo: Help me. [Rebecca hits him with her artificial arm] Tango: Hi! Rebecca: Works every time. Tsuneo: So... uh... Tango... how's things. Tango: Good. How are you, Mr Flowerpot? Tsuneo: Um, fine. Say, you haven't had any odd urges to, say, travel through space and time and attempt to alter history? Tango: No more so than normal. Tsuneo: Fine. Voice: Good morning, guys... Tango. Rebecca: And good morning to you. Dr Kriegsteen. Voice: I don't like you. Rebecca: The feeling's mutual. Tango: Good morning to you! How are things up on planet Zargon? Voice: Help me. Dan: Voice? Fic? Voice: Yes! Fic! Good! Dan: What is it? Voice: Fic! [There are sounds of shuffling paper] Um, yeah. I've got another Bebop fic for you today, called "Space Waltz". Rebecca: Voice... you aren't trying to start another trend for Mads like you did with Evangelion fics, are you? Voice: No, why? Rebecca: Because when you do, we have to watch them all. Voice: I'd never do something like that. Tsuneo: Do we believe him? Tango: I believe him! I also believe that the world is made out of cheese and computers work better if you feed them ice cream! Spoon it right on! [They sit, Rebecca and Tsuneo on the forwards facing couch, Dan and Tango on the other one. Tsuneo and Tango are closest on the corners] Tsuneo: I'll, ah, just move over a little [Rebecca glares at him.] Never mind. [The TV switches on] > Space Waltz > By ChibiJamie > ~When everyone thought the final bell had tolled, Dan: They broke for lunch. > things have decided to take an unexpected turn into confusion. Tango: Instead, they should have made a left turn at Albuquerque. > There's a million myriad paths in the stars > that can be taken, Dan: I am so lost. Tsuneo: But the best way is to take the A23 to Basingstoke, then make a left at the roundabout. Tango: And from there on, all Roads lead to Rome! > but this one has led right back to the old familiar home- > sweet-home and friends thought lost. Rebecca: Gee, I wonder what's about to happen... > It's an endless melody of sorrow, loss, and rebirth...~ Dan: And really bad fanfiction. Tsuneo: Yes, but what does it actually *mean?* > .oOo.-~Session 27: Hands of Time~-.oOo. Tango: I wonder if they're like the Hands of Fate. Tsuneo: Complete with flashy borders. > Faye Valentine sighed as she hoisted up yet another hose to hook up to the battered > and grounded Bebop. Tango: [Faye] Well alright, but I'm still not sure why we're pumping spray-on cheese into the fuel tank. > She and Jet Black had been working to repair the ship for a while Rebecca: Well, Jet had been working. She was "directing." > now She turned her head to stare off into the distance for a long moment Dan: It's ten thousand miles to the next gas station. Sooner or later, someone is going to have to start walking. Rebecca: [Faye] Thanks for volunteering, Jet. > before sighing yet again. Tsuneo: [Faye] One down, three million to go. I hate my life. > *Stupid, stupid, STUPID!* Tango: You spooty spoothead! Tsuneo: What? Er, on second thoughts, never mind. > she accused late comrade Spike Spiegel in her mind. Tango: I hereby accuse you of willingly and persistently being Spike Speigel. You are sentenced to be unrepentantly cool and wonderful. > *You > wouldn't listen to me! You wouldn't stay here, where it was safe! You just had to run > off!* Rebecca: It wouldn't have been much of a dramatic conclusion otherwise. Dan: Actually, he was just trying to get away from her. > She huffed lightly as Jet connected the hose to the ship, the repairs nearly > completed. Rebecca: All he's got to do now is water his Bonsai. Tango: Don't you know? In the future, all you have to do to fix a ship is point a colourful light source at it. It's one of the many lessons that Homeworld taught me. Dan: Problem was they were out of metal, so they used up all their energy to get more, but then they need to use all their metal to get more energy. It's a vicious cycle. > His face looked older and more worn-down than normal, Dan: Damn, he must look ancient. Tsuneo: Believe it or not, Dan, turning thirty isn't the end of the world. Dan: It isn't? Rebecca: Well just to be sure, tell us tomorrow. > even more-so for a > man who had yet to reach the age of forty. *And look what you did to JET! Rebecca: Uh, he always looks like that. > He's been so upset! Poor guy...* Tsuneo: He's so upset, he almost had a facial expression. > With a final sigh, she pulled the hose back and put her hands on her hips. Dan: Stupid question, but how *do* her shorts stay on anyway? Tango: Don't you know? It's the companion piece to the famed IO antigravity bikini! Order yours today! > "Done," she stated, very matter-of-factly. "The Bebop is ready to fly again." Tsuneo: Um, how did hosing it down help? Tango: See? Multi-coloured light source! > Jet nodded once, and Faye huffed again. He was never going to be the same old Jet she > knew at this rate. Dan: Despite him acting the same? Tango: Aw Faye, he's alright. He just doesn't like you, remember? > As the two boarded the ship, however, they heard something. Rebecca: Zoner Floyding? pfloyd Zoning? All of the above? > Low at first... then it got louder. Tsuneo: It sounded suspiciously like an oncoming train. > Someone, or something, was whistling. Just like Spike used to whistle. Dan: Could it be... > "Okay, tell me I don't hear that," Jet stated sharply. All: You don't hear that. > Faye blinked a few times, still miffed. > "Okay, you don't hear that." Tsuneo: ...well, okay. If you say so. > But the whistling continued. Rebecca: Hmm... maybe they need to change station. Tsuneo: Let's see... Talkback radio... rap... dating advice... Brittany Spears... Talkback... I think we might stick with the whistling. Tango: And if it was Gainax, the could make a whole seventeen CDs out of that ten-second clip. > "Okay, that's it," huffed Jet frustratedly, starting towards the sound. "I'm going to find > out what that is." Tsuneo: Could it be that you left the kettle on the stove? Rebecca [Faye]: Oh yeah. > And with that, he marched towards the bridge of the ship and the mysterious whistling. Tsuneo [Neddie Seagoon]: I say, where could that highly-skilled, mysterious secret agent be? [Pause] I said, where could that highly-skilled, mysterious, *deaf* secret agent be? > ***** > Jet was not in a good mood at all as it was. Dan: Is he ever? Rebecca: Well, he's usually either grumpy or less grumpy. > His best friend had been killed, Tsuneo: And Spike had died too. > the Bebop -- despite being air-worthy -- was still in very bad shape, Dan: Was it ever in good shape? I always thought it was held together by duct tape and crazy glue. Tango: Don't you know, in the future, everything's made out of duct tape. > and they had barely any money with which to buy even food. Rebecca: So, in other words, it's just like life as normal, except without Spike. > Now, there was a stowaway on their ship, Dan: Well, the shouldn't have made that rest stop on LV426. > and this was not making him feel any better. Tsuneo: If you think that's bad, you should see what's for lunch. > The sight that awaited him in the bridge was something he had neither expected nor was > prepared for. Tsuneo: Lunch. Tango [Jet]: What are we having for lunch? Rebecca [Faye]: What's that crawling around in the air duct? Tango [Jet]: Good enough. We'll serve it with mushrooms. > There, in the dim light cast by the overhead lights, stood a young man in his twenties, > hands behind his head, eyes focused on a moniter. Tango: Young man, in his twenties, whistling... there's only one man it could be. COWBOY ANDY! [They all cheer] > His unruly, greenish hair fluffed up and fell into his eyes on occasion, and his brown > eyes were bright and sharp. Tsuneo: And, oddly enough, matching. > He stood somewhat awkwardly, Rebecca: I'm no expert, but the huge gut wound and lack of intestines may have something to do with that. > but this seemed to be due to an > unusually lanky form, lean and defined, but still stick-like and puppet-ish. Tsuneo: Sachiel, the third angel, in a special cameo appearance. Dan [Sachiel]: I was young and needed the money! > Jet gaped. > "Spike?!" he blurted, utterly shocked. Rebecca: Well gee, Spike's alive. I didn't see that one coming. Tango: You know, it's kind of like that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer came back. You just don't ask, in case you hear the answers. > The whistling young man stopped abruptly, and turned his head to the former ISSP officer. Dan: Then it span through three-sixty degrees while he began speaking in tongues. > His long, thin face seemed a bit shocked for a moment, Dan [Jet]: Er, Spike? You're bleeding on the carpet. Tsuneo [Spike]: Sorry. > but soon, his mouth curled into a grin. > "Long time no see, Jet," he mocked. "What's wrong? You look like you saw a ghost!" Tsuneo [Jet]: Well you are dead and all. Dan [Spike]: Oh yeah. Forgot about that. > It couldn't be true. There was no way in Hell. Tango: You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha. > But there he was, flesh and blood. Rebecca: And not much of either. Dan: Large as life and twice as ugly. > Spike Spiegel, in one piece, alive and well. Tsuneo: Oh, so being disembowelled didn't hurt that much, did it? Tango: I don't know what all the fuss is about. I was disembowelled once, and I got over it. > It was too good to be true. Rebecca: Too corny to be true is more like it. > "There's no way..." Jet mumbled, still staring at the lanky bounty hunter before him. > "Yes, there is," Spike protested with a huff. He lifted his shirt to show off a long cut, > stitched carefully by what would appear to have been an expert hand. Tsuneo: Oh, right... let me see if I can figure this out. After stumbling out of his final confrontation with Vicious into a hallway full of angry mooks, Spike collapses so Vicious' thugs decided to... call an ambulance? > "He got me ri~ight here. The doctors said I was lucky to survive!" Dan: But after they stuffed your purple knobbly bit back in, they reckoned that you'd be just fine. > Jet frowned deeply. Dan: [Jet] So how are you doing, Spike? Tango: [Spike] I'm starting to feel like my old self, Jet, although I tend to be listless and cranky and I keep spitting up sawdust. Dan: [Jet] Do the corrugated fasteners itch? > "You've gotta stop scarin' me like that, Spike," he finally admonished. Tango [Jet]: Stop dying like that! It's getting real old! > "One of these days, you'll give me a heart attack!" > Spike's grin only grew wider as he released his shirt. > "All in the company I keep," he jested. > That was when Faye stepped in. Her green eyes were wide, fixed on Spike's tall, slim > figure. Rebecca: And he's wearing no shirt, too. Ooooh. Tango: Show us your sexy lower intestines, Spike! > Was she dreaming, or was he really standing there? Tsuneo: And now, back from his successful tour of the ASADAE Floating Island, it's Spike Spiegel! Dan [Spike]: Hey, thanks, it's great to be back here. You're a wonderful audience. You know, I was hanging with my pal, Kaji and we got to talking about the Floating Island. It's a pretty good place. He says that at first it my seem odd, but you get used to it after a while. > She pinched herself once. Ow, felt that. > Nope, definitely wasn't dreaming! Dan: Unless this is one of those really weird dreams that seem real, like you're at work and everything seems normal but then you realise that you're only wearing your underwear. [Pause] What? Rebecca: Uh, Dan? That wasn't a dream. It happened just last week. Dan: Er, yeah. Why didn't you tell me? Rebecca: It was worth it for the laughs, > She leapt forward with a short cry, throwing her arms around Spike's neck Tsuneo [Spike, strangled]: Not so tight! > in a hug, not > at all shocked by her rash actions. She was crying, but she didn't really care. All: Awwwwww... > Spike, however, grunted sharply, then cringed heavily. Tsuneo [Spike]: You just popped all my stitches! Rebecca [Faye]: Sorry about that. I'll get the mop. Tsuneo [Spike]: ...And where's my wallet? > "Owww!!" he griped. "Watch the cut, Faye, it's still healing!!" Tango: Is there a human cleric around here somewhere? > Jet chuckled. > "Same old Spike-o," he laughed. "Less filling." Dan: Tastes great! Tango: Less filling! Dan: Tastes great! [Rebecca and Tsuneo whack them both with cushions] Rebecca & Tsuneo: Idiots. > ***** > Several months since that incident, Tango: Wacky hijinks ensue. Oops. I said ensue. > life had practically returned to normal on the Bebop. Tango: But was there rampaging pudding in the air ducts? Rebecca: On the other hand, the place no longer smells of dog. > Little cash, less food, and plenty of medical bills from helping Spike recover from his > fight with Vicious to pay off. Tsuneo: Like they said, life as normal. > As it was, Spike was currently sleeping off some of the painkillers on the couch. Even > from Faye's perspective, he looked like a big kid, kicked back after a long day of goofing > off... which was, of course, what Spike did best. Rebecca: And here was me thinking that being a Bounty Hunter was what he did best. Tsuneo: Think about what you just said. Rebecca: ...Good point. > Grinning to herself, she kneeled next to him, moving in very close to his ear. Dan: Whoah. Spike's about to get lucky. > "Spi~ike..." she called, softly and sweetly. Rebecca [Faye]: Can I borrow ten million woolongs? Dan [Spike, sleepy]: Whatever. Rebecca [Faye]: And can I have the keys to your ship? Dan [Spike, sleepy]: Sure thing. Rebecca [Faye]: And can I sell one of your kidneys? Dan [Spike, sleepy]: 'kay. > Spike grunted and turned onto his side, > his back to her. Faye only grinned wider, standing up a little. Once again, she called > out, her voice a little more insistant. "Spike!" Tsuneo: No answer. Tango: Then I opened the door and what do you know, it's a fat guy in a top hat with a maniacal grin. I hate it when I'm right. > When this still drew no response, she > decided it was time for the coup de grace, so to speak. Tango: So she got out the shotgun. Dan [Jet]: Say, Faye, where do you keep that huge-bore pump-action shotgun? Rebecca [Faye]: That's none of your damned business! > She took a deep breath, leaned > over so her lips were within mere centimeters of his ear, and... "SPI~IKE!" Tsuneo: Nope... he's gone. > Spike awoke with a horrible start, jerking into an upright sitting position, breathing > heavily and obviously scared out of his wits. Tango: And scared out of what's left of his skin! > "SHI~IT!" he cried, glaring at Faye with a flare of anger. "What the hell do you think > you're DOING?!" Rebecca: Providing the so-called comedy relief for this fic? > Faye giggled, trying to seem cute and innocent. All: Forget it. Rebecca: Here's a hint. Wear clothes that you can actually fit into and try that again. > "Oh, nothing," she shrugged. "Just making sure you were still alive. Couldn't have you > dying on us again." Dan: Does she do this all the time when he's trying to take a nap? Tsuneo: Probably, actually. > Spike's face was of indignance and annoyance, eyes narrowed and lips a tight line. Tango: Eeeeevil! > "You could've chosen a more delicate way to wake me up. My stomach is still sore, you > know," he griped. Rebecca: I told you not to eat the Chilli Surprise. > "Anyhow," Faye finally continued, "we just watched Big Shot, and we got word on a political > terrorist." > Spike blinked a few times, a strange look taking over his enlongated features. > "I thought Big Shot went off the air?" he questioned ponderingly. Dan: Yeah, well, it turns out that it's a very popular show in some places. Tsuneo: Like where? Dan: The Floating Island. Tsuneo: Thought so. > "Yeah, but they got restarted about two weeks ago. It's weird." Rebecca: The popularity dwindled so it moved to cable TV. Dan: They messed with the formula to make it more interesting. Punch was replaced with a twelve-year old Korean kid with a trained chimp. > She shrugged it off. "Anyhow, the bounty on this guy is 20 million woolongs." Dan: Better check that for decimal points. You've been suckered by that before. > Spike looked reasonably more cheerful. > "20 million woolongs, huh?" Rebecca: Plus GST. > he grinned. "All the more reason to go after the guy! > Let's see if we can get Jet to get some information for us." > "He's already on the case," Faye explained, propping one leg up on the table. "Trying > to get ahold of Bob right now." Tsuneo: [Spike] And just who is "Bob?" Rebecca: [Faye] You know, Bob. Tsuneo: [Spike] And how do you know this Bob? Rebecca: [Faye] Me? I thought he was your friend. Tsuneo: [Spike] Unh-huh... > This thought was reverberated by the sound of Jet saying, "Oh, hell..." somewhere on > the bridge. > Call didn't go through. Dan: He dialled the wrong number and got a takeaway Chinese place on Pluto instead. Tango: Herro? Rast lestaulant in de Universe speaking. > Faye and Spike stood up at that point and made their way in to find out the trouble. Tango: They had unpaid bills and the phone company cut them off. It seems that someone was trying to run a dating service out of the ship. Rebecca [Faye]: I was going to pay it back. Honest. > ***** > Jet was once again in a very unpleasant mood. Bob was out. Tsuneo: Bob? Who's Bob? Tango: Let's see... brand new planet, Skutter, builder, squashed robot thing, strangely funny psychopath, criminal clown... nope, no idea. > That could only mean one thing... Dan: Bob wasn't in? > He had to call her. The one person he had barely spoken to in the three years since he had > left. Dan: The dreaded Mrs Black! Rebecca [Nagging]: Have you been running around the universe chasing crooks again? Tsuneo [Jet]: No dear. Rebecca [Nagging]: Have you been hanging around nubile young women again? Tsuneo [Jet]: No dear. Rebecca [Nagging]: Look at your arm! What have you done to yourself? Tsuneo [Jet]: Sorry, dear. > Sighing, he figured he had no choice. And besides, she would be happy to talk to him. Right? > Right. Tango: Nope. Dan: I understand how that is. Most girls I talk to are never happy to talk to me. I can never figure out why. Rebecca: I'm actually gonna leave that one alone. > He barely even looked up as Spike and Faye entered the room. > "Hey, Jet, what seems to be the trouble?" questioned Spike. Dan [Jet]: The back of the ship fell off. Tsuneo [Spike]: Again? > "Bob's out, Rebecca: The Pakistani team have a killer fast-bowler. > unfortunately. I have to call another old friend of mine and see if she can get > the information we need," Jet responded. > There was an uneasy silence. Dan: Followed by a solitary giggle. > "She?" Faye finally asked. Tsuneo: What? Isn't Jet allowed to have a social life or anyhting? > Jet sighed, obviously not to thrilled to be telling these two about this new informant. All: Jet's got a girlfriend! Jet's got a girlfriend! Dan [Jet]: Shut up! > "Her name is Nasutei Kaneka. Her older brother was one of my good friends when I was > still on the ISSP. He died on a flubbed up mission, Tsuneo [Spike]: Is it just me or do all your stories seem to involve somebody dying horribly? Dan: [Jet] Look who's talking. > and she latched onto me. Rebecca: Did you try using a crowbar? > She was > only a cadet then, but recently, she's been promoted to a sergeant at a Venus port station. > Border control," he explained. Tango: Her job is to stop people smuggling in Mexicans. Dan: To Venus? Tango: It's Earth's largest export, along with Piyokos and l33t h4><0r dewdz. > "Well, let's get 'er on the line and see what she's got," Spike urged. Dan: The flu? Venus Sickness? > Jet stared at his old friend for a long time before sighing once more, Tsuneo: [Jet] Do you mind, this is private. > and turning to the console, pulling up Nasutei's vid-phone ID... Rebecca: And once again, getting that Chinese take-out on Pluto. > "Can I help yo--... JET?!" > The girl answering the vid message was no older than 25 or 26, maybe even a little younger. > However, there was something in her looks that startled both Faye and Spike. Tango: Maybe it was the third eye. > She had thick, bouncy hair that was a strange, unnatural shade of blue. Dan: Are there any natural shades of blue hair? Rebecca: And Faye has purple hair. Their point? > Her eyes were a brilliant magenta. Tango: Uh, wrong fic. Dan: Rei's really stretching for a job nowadays. Rebecca: Hey, it was either that or another cameo with Adam West. > It was almost inhuman. Tsuneo: And kind of creepy. > Jet gave a very weak smile to the girl who had answered. > "Hey there, Nasutei. It's been a while," he stated. Tango: Three years, six months, three days, four hours, fifteen minutes and twenty-one seconds, but who's counting? > The girl, Nasutei, nodded in response. > "You usually don't call without a reason, Jet," she suddenly stated, resting her chin on > folded hands. "Whataya need?" Tsuneo: Out of this crappy fanfic? > "We need some information on a man named Jeremiah Shunu," Jet told her simply. Rebecca [Nasutei]: Let me think.... Gnnnnnnnnnn... Nope, I don't get it at all. > "Hm... he's the one with a bounty on his head for political terrorism, isn't he? I think > I've got some dirt on him..." Tango: And some mud, some clay and a few assorted reeds as well. Dan: According to this, he likes walks in the park, watching the sunrise and blowing up symbols of the capitalist imperialist system. > She started to dig through a pile of paper on her desk, > finally coming across the folder she had apparently been looking for. "Ah, here it is!" Dan: He's got a few outstanding parking fines. Tsuneo: so if she's so eager to help, why was Jet dreading the call? > She fanned through the papers briefly... "Okay... he's been seen commonly in the > satellites near Jupiter. Rebecca: Well that narrows it down. There's only seventeen of them, plus moonlets, space habitats, vagabond colonies and the like. Care to be any more specific? Dan: No. Rebecca: Okay. > Apparently, no bounty hunter has been able to get even slightly > close to him. Lost 249 bounty hunters this last month just due to this guy, Tango: No wonder Big Shot's ratings were down. Rebecca: Hey, if he's killed off that many Bounty Hunters, wouldn't the bounty be higher? I mean, they've chased guys worth more than him who've done much less. > and all of > them were shot in a location from which they couldn't have seen it coming. Back, back > of head, Dan: On the can. > etc. Our inside agents inform us that he has spies set up everywhere to inform him > when there's a bounty hunter or ISSP officer entering the area." Tango: Our spies are watching their spies watch our spies! Rebecca: Wasn't that a demonstration sport at the Moscow Olympics? > This brought a frown to Jet's face. Tsuneo: So why not just get the inside agents to finish him off? Dan: Because then we wouldn't have a story. Tsuneo: Please? > "Anything else?" he questioned. Tsuneo: I guess you could find him by looking for the huge mountains of dead bodies. > Nasutei shifted through the papers again. "Not that I can see... he's a big Chuck Norris > fan, though." Dan: Chuck Norris? Who would remember him in 2171? Rebecca: Don't you know? They're up to the eighty-third season of "Walker, Texas Ranger". And they've also still got re-runs of Pensacola, Wings of Gold. Tsuneo: That was obscure. Rebecca: The reference or the show? > This time, it was Spike's turn to scoff. "Chuck Norris?" he drawled bitterly. "He's nothing > compared to Bruce Lee! Tsuneo: True, but you've got to like their fight scene in Game of Death. Tango: I always liked that film's airport restaurant scene better. Tsuneo: You would. > Ah, this guy's a pushover." Rebecca: Any guy who's offed the last 249 people to come after him isn't a pushover! Tango: What if they've got Scott Hall, a taser, Vince Russo booking and a white Hummer? > Nasutei chose wisely to ignore this. "Anything else you need, Jet?" Rebecca [Faye]: Money. Lots of money. > Jet shook his head. "No, but thank you, Nasutei. You've been a big help." Dan: ...Which makes me wonder why he didn't just call one of the fifteen million or so other ISSP buddies of his that could have helped him out here. > The girl grinned at him. "You should call more often, Jet," she stated. "It's always nice to > see your face." Tsuneo [Jet]: Wish I could say the same. > Jet swallowed hard. "Yeah," was his quiet response. "Same to you." > He quickly turned off the vidscreen and turned to the others. Tsuneo [Jet]: What are you two gawping at? > "We have our lead," he said calmly. "Do we go now or later?" Dan: Let's go now and get the plot moving. We're nearly three-quarters of the way through and we're still in the set-up. > Spike, however, was not interested in hearing about this lead or the man they were after. Dan: I mean. he was dead. His interests lay mainly in just lying there. > His face was plastered with a wide, goofy grin, and he was watching Jet intently. All: Jet's got a girlfriend! Jet's got a girlfriend! Dan [Jet]: I said shut up! > "Actually, I'd say later. How d'you know that girl, Jet?" he asked. Tsuneo: Didn't he just say that? > "I already told you that. Her older brother was an old friend of mine when I was still > with the ISSP," Tango: That was back in the bronze age, before we invented toupees and spray on cheese. > Jet growled lowly. "When Ryuen died, Nasutei kind of became attached to > me. Hell, she was only 15 at the time. It's been eight years since that happened!" > Spike's grin only widened. "Is that all?" he asked. Rebecca: I guess they want to know if he has a thing for her. Tsuneo [Jet]: This happens to me every time. > Jet's frown became deeper. "We're going now. You two go get set up." Rebecca: No! I am not having Faye/Spike slashfic! Tsuneo: I think he meant that they should get ready to go. Rebecca: ...Yeah. > Spike just grinned once more, and Jet scowled in return. Tango: Gee, Spike just got back from being dead and he's turned into a real pain in the butt. > ***** > The satellites around Jupiter weren't exactly the easiest places to get to early on, Tango: But then we invented space travel. > nor were they easy to colonize. The asteroid belt between the inner and outer planets > tended to be in the way. Tsuneo: As they do. Rebecca: Actually, the asteroids are usually very thinly interspersed and often many kilometres apart. It's not like they're hard to get through. And if the thought of dodging small, widely-spaced rocks is hard, you could always fly over them. > However, once this crisis was averted, the area was turned > into a center for politics. Tsuneo: I thought that was Mars? Dan: They moved there after Teddy Bomber was through with them. > Aside from the occasional uprising, the area tended to be fairly peaceful. Except > for now... Rebecca: And all the terrorist bombings, shoot-outs, space-ship crashes, assassinations, gun runners, smugglers and bounty hunters. Tsuneo: It's about as peaceful as Hong Kong in a John Woo film. Tango: My kind of place! > No more than ten minutes before the Bebop arrived at its destination point, another > building had been bombed. Dan: They blew up the last port-a-loo on the planet. The insidious bastards! > The Intergalactic Treasury Office. Obviously, this bounty > was still on the loose. Rebecca: Actually, that was just a faulty gas line. > "All right, Spike, be careful on this one. Nasutei said he knew when bounty hunters > and ISSP officers were on his tail, so he's probably waiting for you," Tsuneo: Even though they've just arrived? Rebecca: Maybe Jet's friend isn't that reliable after all. > Jet's voice crackled over the comm in Swordfish II. > Spike grumped Tango: [Snigger] He said "grumped." > about a bit as he flicked the switches to prepare his zipcraft for take-off. Dan: Take off every 'Zig!' For Great Justice!! [They all hit him with cushions] Tango: I know what I doing. > "Yeah, yeah, I hear ya... I'll be fine," he retorted. Rebecca: He's already come back to life once this fic, he can do it again. Dan: He'd better be careful. Jet's running low on Phoenix Downs. > "I'm serious, Spike! It was bad enough having you die on us once. Let's not make > the same mistake twice." > Spike actually cracked a smile at his old comrade. "I'll be all right. I can't seem > to die as it is, anyhow!" [Rebecca mutters darkly] > With that, he hit the release button, and the Swordfish II took off towards the satellite. Tsuneo: So if they're all so concerned about him, why are they sending him on his own? Anyone? Tango: Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Tsuneo: Anyone want to see me make Tango fetch a stick? [Dan & Rebecca raise their hands] > ***** > Spike huffed as he walked down the street with his hands in his pockets. Dan [Singing]: Just kept saying life is like a box of chocolates... > A cigarette > was hanging loosely out of his mouth, and from the way he walked, he just looked like > another man walking down the street. Tango: With that hair? > Until suddenly, he ducked. A bullet went flying past where his head had been. Once he > stood, he turned and grinned at a very shocked man. Dan [Taka]: You may be that damned good, but we are that damned eeeeevil. Tango [Funaki]: Indeeeeeed. > "Aw, you tryin' to shoot me?" Spike questioned, his grin mocking. Tango [Man]: That? Uh, no, I was, er, just cleaning my gun. Yeah. Dan [Spike]: With a silencer? In the middle of the street? Tango [Man]: Er, yes. Dan [Spike]: Okay then... Wait a second! > "You bastard!" the man growled. "Damn bounty hunter..." Tango: Hey, now they're talking in HK subtitles. > "Got somethin' against we cowboys?" shrugged Spike, leaning loosely to one side. Dan: Only Andy. All: Yay! Andy! > "I'll make you regret coming here!" Tango [Man]: Don't make me bleed all over your clothes! > The man didn't have a chance to react. Within an instant, the quick-moving martial > artist had him pinned against the wall, sharp brown eyes shining. > "Where's your boss?" Tango [Man]: He's over there in the secret hideout. Dan [Spike]: What, the one with the big neon sign saying "Secret Hideout?" Tango [Man]: That's the one. > ***** > Jeremiah Shunu frowned deeply as he leaned back in his chair. Tsuneo [Jeremiah]: I need to get this thing re-upholstered. > Another day, another > political monolith destroyed. His plan was working perfectly. Little by little, he > was destroying the society these foolish people upheld. And no one could stop him. > It was truly a dream come true. Rebecca: Oh, so Jeremiah here is actually Teddy Bomber? He's gone up in the world. > "Counting your blessings, Jeremiah Shunu? Be glad I'll go easy on you." > Jeremiah's head shot up, and he leapt to his feet and turned. > "Who the hell...?!" he snapped. Dan: Yeah, can we have some descriptive text here, fic? > "I'm just your old-fashioned cowboy," grinned Spike. Rebecca: So you sit by the campfire and eat beans, shoot buffalo and Indians and star in Mel Brooks movies? Tango: Exactly! > "A bounty hunter...?! How'd you get in here?!" Dan [Spike]: You left the door open. Tsuneo [Jeremiah]: Oh. > "Oh, I d'no... a little birdy told me how to get in." He lifted his fists, his > smile growing wider. "How about a little two-step before I drag your ass to the police?" Tsuneo [Jeremiah]: I'm sorry, I only know the waltz. > Mentally, Spike was screaming at himself. Tango [Spike]: I forgot the milk! > He wasn't yet ready for a fight, Dan: His Jedi training was not complete yet. > his wounds > were still not fully healed. Going into a battle at this rate was almost guaranteeing > certain death. > His grin grew wider. Maybe this time... Rebecca: Mutter grumble episode 26 mutter. > Jeremiah rushed him at that moment, and Spike gave a laugh, slipping to the side. > "Just like a million other bounties!" he laughed. "Trying to rely on your eyes!" Tango: Well, it's easier to see with your eyes than with your nose or knees. Believe me, I've tried. > He ducked a punch, and instantly countered with a swift uppercut. He was gaining > the advantage... Dan: Isn't this the point where it all goes wrong? Tsuneo: I bet one of his mooks will run in. Rebecca: I bet he'll fall out the window. Tango: I bet he goes to the top rope but Yangs it up. > His face going dead serious, he delivered a strong roundhouse to the man's > midsection, following up with a powerful punch to the face. > Things always happen unexpectedly. Spike always hated that. Dan: What, you want the baddies to do everything to a script now? > As he was preparing > for a second grouping of attacks, Jeremiah pulled a pistol, shooting him in the leg. > Cringing painfully, Spike staggered back, looking up in time to see Jeremiah lift > the barrel of the gun to his head... > And pull the trigger. Rebecca: Huh... he lays the smack down on Spike, shoots him in the leg and then... blows his own brains out? That's, uh, some really interesting strategy there. Sort of an "You're loosing so I'll give you a hand" trick. Tango: Don't you know? It's a part of the secret conspiracy to stop Spike from ever cashing in a bounty. Tsuneo: That I believe. > "Shit!" Spike swore loudly, falling back onto his back-end. Grumbling, he commed > Jet for a ride home. Tango: And to get a dry cleaner. His frontal lobes got on Spike's tie. > ***** > "Stop being such a baby," Jet scorned as he finished bandaging Spike's leg. "You > whine over the littlest things." Tsuneo: It's just a bullet. You've soaked up enough of them. Lead must be a vital part of your diet by now. > Spike rolled his eyes. "Well, can you blame me? That hurt!" Dan: [Jet] What do you want me to do, kiss it better? > The older man huffed. "You're still being a baby about it." He tightened the brace. Dan: Stone Cold Spike Spiegel! Rebecca: And now he's teamed up with Hunter Hearst Vicious. > "How you manage to survive half the things you put yourself through, I'll never know." Tango: I blame the ancient astronauts. Ninety-three percent of everything can be put down to them. Dan: Give me one example. Tango: The ongoing success of Yahoo Serious. Dan: Point. > Spike shrugged a little. "I used to be called immortal. The man who couldn't die. Rebecca: The Ghost Who Walks. > Vicious gave me that nickname, y'know." > "Makes sense enough." > "I'm still shocked that he's not dead... he should be..." Dan: Who's not dead? > "Which reminds me." Spike looked up at his friend, blinking at the serious expression > that had taken over the former detective's face. "How did you manage to survive?" > Spike frowned deeply, his eyes darkening. "You really want to know?" Jet nodded. > "It's a long story... so I'll start at the earliest part I remember..." Dan [Spike]: I was standing around in the Bebop, whistling... Tsuneo [Jet]: No, before that. Dan [Spike]: I was walking back to the Bepop... Tsuneo [Jet]: No, before that. Dan [Spike]: At first there was nothing, then there was this really big explosion and the universe was created... Tsuneo [Jet]: Too far. > ***** > (flashback) Tango: This story had better be good. Dan: A French guy in eighties fashions wakes up in a jungle... Rebecca: Obscure. > The lights that shone brightly in front of Spike were far too bright, Dan [Spike]: Damned sun. Someone turn it down. > and he wasn't particularly enjoying it. Rebecca: What's on the other channel? Tsuneo: Long dark tunnel. > Opening one eye, he started to ponder a million things. > Where was he? Had he died? Was this Heaven or Hell? Tango: Look around for the talking frogs. That might clue you in. > "Oh, good, you're awake." Rebecca: So... he's flashing back to Ballad of Fallen Angels? > Spike cringed. The feminine voice was high pitched and it hurt his ears. Dan: Hell. > "Wh--... where...... am I...?" he forced weakly. Tsuneo: In a flashback. > Spike missed what she said, but he did catch 'hospital' out of it. Dan: Meanwhile, back in Veterinarians' Hospital... > "Julia..... where... where is Julia... is she alive...?" Tsuneo: Well, if Spike is then I guess she could be too... > The girl, he assumed she was a nurse, looked confused for a moment. Finally, she > seemed to catch on, and she nodded. Rebecca [Nurse]: I have no idea whatsoever. > "If you're talking about that pretty blond girl, she was dead on arrival... a real pity." > "...was there a man found......with white hair and blue eyes...?" Dan: Yeah. They've moved Sephiroth into observation. He'll be just fine. > "No one else was found but you." Dan: So what about the ten million Mooks? Don't they get a word in? Don't they count for anything? Tsuneo: They're just Mooks, Dan. They're lucky if they even get lines. > Spike sighed lightly, staring at the ceiling once more. Julia was dead, Vicious was alive... Rebecca: So Vicious is still alive? No, nuh-uh. [To ceiling] We're not buying it! You hear me voice? No way are we buying this! > So he'd have to just... keep... living... Tango: Keeps going and going and going and going and going.... > (end of flashback) > ***** > Jet leaned back in his chair as Spike finished up his story. "So once you were well > enough, you came back home. You're lucky I took you back in." Tsuneo: [Jet] You could have called, you know. Dan: He was behind on his rent. > "Somehow, I knew you would." Dan [Spike]: I've got the keys to the liquor cabinet. > Spike cast him a weary grin. "Besides... I'm a positive influence." Rebecca: He is? How so? Tsuneo: Compared to Faye, Jet, Ed and Ein, he's the voice of reason. Rebecca: Point. > "Same old Spike-o," sighed Jet, reiterating what he had said before. "And to think I > actually missed it!" Tango: I missed the plot. Was there one? > ~See You, Space Cowboy...~ > ~.oOo.~Spike: Well, we should've seen it coming. > Jet: What? Rebecca: The ASADAE Floating Island, home to Spike, Vicious, Big Shot, EVA-03, EVA-04, Megatron, Magneto, Charles Xavier, Superman, Kaji and, of course, Sonya Sho Robotnik. Tango: And my Inflatable Hammer of Justice that always seems to turn up around Easter. > Faye: We thought you learned your lesson last time! > Nasutei: ...what're they talking about? > Spike: A deadly virus sweeps through the stars, and only a few gifted people have the > power to stop it! Dan: Like John Barren. Tsuneo: Gifted, not Special. Dan: Oh. > Maybe Jet will work his charms on his girlfriend by protecting her > from those who would hurt these gifted people... Rebecca: Looks like we have a recurring new character, folks. > Faye: Isn't she a little young for him...? > Jet and Nasutei: WE'RE NOT DATING! Dan: They're just friends, just *good friends*. > Spike: Next session, "Fire on the Bayou"! Geez, Jet, have you no dignity? Tsuneo: He did take off his shorts in front of Faye once... > Jet: I should kick your ass for this one...~.oOo.~ [Tango leaps up from the couch and binds the TV in duct tape. The portal then reappears, and Tango throws the TV through it before it closes] Tango: Take that, evil omnipotent entity or whatever! Dan: Where did you keep all of that duct tape, Tango? Tango: That's none of your damned business! Voice: Well, um, thanks for that, guys. Rebecca: Do you want our reviews now? Voice: Er, no thanks. It'll be fine for the moment. There were a few more chapters I wanted to do before we get the reviews happening on this one, and it was a pretty short chapter to begin with. But, ah, thanks for your time guys. Tango: No problems! I'm always ready and willing to fight injustice and icky cosmic entities wherever they may lurk! Voice: That's nice, but you wouldn't mind leaving now? Rebecca: He asks us to leave. That's a first. Tsuneo: I suppose that the "rental" incident has encouraged him to dicourage us from hanging around. Dan: I suppose that if we don't go now, he'll show us more fic. Rebecca: Good point. Come on, Tango, I'll buy you a drink. Tango: With a strawberry in it? And a little umbrella on the top that I'll invariably stab into my eye? Rebecca: If you like. Tango: Hot damn! I call dibs on the comfy chair! [They file out] Voice: These people... I'd replace them, but I'm afraid of what might happen if I did. [The portal re-appears again. Evil Alternate Future Tango steps out, but this time the eyepatch is on the other side, and he's wearing a black uniform and holding a battered TV covered in duct tape] Tango: All right, who threw this at me? Voice: Huh? What are you doing here? [Tango pulls out a stupidly huge gun that consists of several guns bound together with duct tape] Tango: Okay Russo, your time's up! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [The screen goes blank] Voice: I hate my life. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riffed by: Jinas (jinas@elmerstudios.com), Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) and Twin Cannon(ausmax@ihug.com.au) Tango is copyright 1997-2001 "TS" Eliot (Twin Cannon) Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1999-2001 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1999-2001 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova Satori shrine, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp, all in one big steaming pile. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "I'm serious, Spike! It was bad enough having you die on us once. Let's not make > the same mistake twice."