------------------------------------------------------------------------ It's been a while, but episode 121 is here. We're going back to Bebop land to hang with spike and the gang in for more retcon fun! Cowboy Bebop is copyright Sunrise Space Waltz is copyright ChibiJamie ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.] [The door crashes down and Tango rides in on the back of a Bantha, whooping and hollering and waving around a Tuskan raider staff. The Bantha screeches to a halt, hurling tango into the opposite wall. It then slowly wanders out. There is a brief pause, then Dan, Tsuneo and Rebecca cautiously walk in.] Dan: What happened in here? Rebecca: If I didn't know better- Tango: [From behind couch] Next time, I install driver's side air-bags. STARCRAFT! BOOBIES! Rebecca: And I don't. Tsuneo: Tango? [Tango vaults over the couch and stands before them] Tango: In the flesh, blood, organs, bones and optional extras! Dan: What did you do to the place? Tango: I was just breaking in Gronk. Tsuneo: And what's - No, forget it, I don't want to know. Rebecca: You're learning. Dan: Who's Gronk? [Tsuneo and Rebecca beat him furiously with assorted convenient blunt implements] Dan: What'd I do? Rebecca: You asked. Tsuneo: Now we'll find out! Tango: Well, I'm glad you asked, Binky. I was reading about Lucasarts doing a big on-line Star Wars RPG type thing and I was working on my character. STARCRAFT! BOOBIES! Dan: Really? What kind of character is it? [Tsuneo and Rebecca glare at him] Tango: He rides a Bantha around Mos Eisly, waves around his shirt and takes pot-shots at other PCs! Dan: I mean, what does he do for a living? What class or race is he? Tango: He rides a Bantha around Mos Eisly, waves around his shirt and takes pot-shots at other PCs! Rebecca: That's probably about as good as you're getting. Dan: Right. Tsuneo: You asked. Dan: I did. Rebecca: We're going to kill you for that. Dan: I guessed. Tango: STARCRAFT! BOOBIES! Tsuneo: Sounds like a pretty neat game, as long as I don't go to Mos Eisly. Tango: I'm figuring out a way to turn my Bantha into a spaceship. Dan: Yeah, I heard about it. I'm planning to join. Tsuneo: Really? What were you going to play? Dan: I was going to be a - Oh, whaddya call them, what Darth Maul is. Rebecca: Umm... I think it starts with an "L." Tango: It's a Darth Maul! STARCRAFT! BOOBIES! Rebecca: [Muttered] Battle damaged of course. Dan: Yeah. I'd be a Sith Lord Darth Maul. I get a cool spaceship, neat weapons and customisable face tattoos. Tsuneo: In other words, a completely unoriginal rip-off of Darth Maul. Dan: It's not a rip-off, it's a homage. Rebecca: I'll be happy to do the battle damage version. Tsuneo: Well, I think I might jump in on it. Dan: So what would you do? Tsuneo: Probably be a bounty hunter. I get to travel to different worlds, meet all kinds of interesting people - briefly - and have a steady source of income. Rebecca: You do realise that probably means becoming a player-killer? Tsuneo: I'd be discerning about my targets. Rebecca: Limiting them to, say, rip-offs of Sith lords? Tsuneo: ...Maybe. Tango: STARCRAFT! BOOBIES! Dan: So what about you, Rebecca. Rebecca: Actually, I'd re-use a character I put together for a test-play of the WoTC Star Wars RPG. I've got the character sheet on me for no adequate reason. [She takes out a sheet of paper] Want a look? Tsuneo: Sure. [He takes the paper, unfolds it and reads it] Rebecca: What do you think? Tsuneo: It's a dual-class Jedi Knight fighter pilot with a full range of Jedi powers, maxed out skills and weapon proficiencies, min/maxed attributes and... the ability to wield a lightsaber in each hand? Rebecca: Isn't he cool? Tsuneo: He's a monster. Rebecca: Yup. Tsuneo: A fully-paid combat wombat twink. Rebecca: Exactly. Tango: I want to be just like him! Dan: Um... What's the character's name? Rebecca: Oh, I don't know. Bob or something. Voice: Morning all. Rebecca: Speaking of the Sith, it's half of Darth Maul. Tsuneo: Which half, upper or lower? Rebecca: In his case, would you notice the difference? Tsuneo: Point. Tango: Ha ha! I am ready for the fic! If it offends me, I shall poke my stick at it and give it a haircut with my hairdressing skill! Poke, poke! Voice: Um, okay. Tango: Poke! Poke poke poke! So, what sort of haircut do you want? STARCRAFT! BOOBIES! Voice: By that I take it you mean that you want to know what the fic is, right? Tango: No, I want to get a few more points of experience into my hairdressing skill. I took it for a reason, you know. Voice: Uh... uh... Rebecca: This is good. I think he's loosing it. Tsuneo: Maybe there are some advantages to having Tango around. Dan: Some. Voice: No such luck, I'm afraid. Rebecca: Aww... camel poo. Tsuneo: So what is it today? Voice: Today I've got the second chapter of "Space Waltz" for you. Tango: Floating island! Starcraft! Boobies! [They sit, Rebecca and Dan on the forwards facing couch, Tsuneo and Tango on the other one. Rebecca and Tsuneo are closest on the corners] Dan: Maybe this one won't be so bad. Rebecca: Maybe Tango will be coherent. Dan: Good point. [The TV switches on] > ~Who would expect that people in our society, desperate for cures, > would kill other people just in order to get that cure. Dan: It's the old "him or me" principle. > And when a > good friend is put in danger by this strange obsession, old promises > become more and more evident...~ > .oOo.~Session 28: Fire on the Bayou~.oOo. > The bar was almost empty. Tango: It was Karaoke night and Ed was singing. Dan: Some would say the bar is half full, others half empty. > It was a slow night, obviously, Rebecca: Not necessarily. It could be like this all the time. Tango: Three old guys and a dead horse could be roaring business here. > since usually the place was full of life. Tsuneo: They should spray for bugs. > Only one person sat at a small > table in the corner, her head bent over a Peyton Place. Dan: Peyton Place, the new Aaaaaaaron Spelling soap. > A thick mass of pale, unnatural blue hair Rebecca: Is blue hair ever natural? Tango: It is where I come from. Rebecca: But your house is on top of a toxic waste dump. Tango: And? > fell into the strange magenta eyes, > focused on nothing and everything all at once. Tsuneo: What is this, amateur existentialist poetry night? Dan: They threw someone out for daring to rhyme. > It was this person that first caught Spike Spiegel's attention as he > walked into the old bar this night. Dan: [Spike] Remind me what are we doing here? Tsuneo: [Jet] Searching for a plot? > The girl was familiar. Tango: I recognise her! She was the third person on the left in scene twenty-three! > She was > the same girl his best friend Jet Black had spoken with over the > vidcom nearly three months before. Rebecca: Oh, yeah, her. The inane Nasutei. > Funny, she looked a lot smaller in person. Tsuneo: They always do. Tango: And fatter. And much older in the "after" photo. > Slowly, he moved foreward, intending upon talking to the girl... Dan: Wow, he must be desperate. Tsuneo: [Spike] So do you come to this half-empty hellhole often? Tango: [Spike] What's a nice girl like you doing in a fic like this? > however, he was cut off by a group of young men, each with sly > grins, heading towards the table. Tsuneo: Ah, it appears the local colour has arrived. Dan: Twenty says she whups them all. Tango: I'm on, but I can only pay you in AYBs. > Before he could move foreward > to help, however, the bartender stopped him. Tsuneo: There's an admission fee for this fight scene. > "Don't bother, they won't get close," he stated. Tango: Her body odour will get them first. Ewwww! > Spike raised a brow at the man in curiosity. Tsuneo [Spike]: Fascinating. > "Why not?" he asked. Rebecca: Because the plot is on her side. Tsuneo: [Bartender] Hello? Original character's introduction scene? Do you want any more red flags? Tango: Whenever I see a red flag, I capture it and run for base. Dan: He always does that. There was a big kerfuffle at the Chinese Embassy over that last week. > "Oh, this happens every night. Three years she's been comin' here, > every other week on Saturday night. Dan: Saturday night must be dull around here. Tango: For real excitement, they go out into the bush and throw rocks at trees. Tsuneo: What do you expect, all they've got is a Planet Hollywood. > Says she's waitin' for an old > friend, one she knew on Ganymede. Rebecca: I sense a set up here, kiddies. > Orders a Kamikaze Shot (1) Dan: And then throws herself at the nearest American Battleship. > and a Peyton Place (2). Tango: Followed by a Old Kent Road and Kings Cross railway station. > Only recently did these guys start coming in," Dan: They only just got their fake IDs. > the bartender responded. > "What do they come here for?" Tsuneo: They want to get a drink? Did you think about that? Rebecca: Tsuneo, don't think about it. > "Oh, that's simple enough. After a while, these guys told her that if > they could beat her in a fight, she'd agree to leave the bar and go > with them. Tsuneo: And how did they come to that arrangement? Dan: [Bartender] Shut up! I'm trying to get this exposition over with as fast as possible! > I was about to get up and kick them out to help the poor > thing, but to my surprise, she agreed with a smile. She kicks their > asses every Saturday." Dan: She tags with HHH and biffs everybody! Tango: Except Crash. He's mighty. He's the friend of all children. Tsuneo: ...You what? Tango: Don't you know? Crash Holly is actually Megaman! Tsuneo: ...I see... > "...wow." Tango: Indeeeeeeeed. > Spike turned from the bartender to watch what would play out, however, > he frowned at what he saw. Two of the men had guns, Tsuneo: Okay, little Ms Smug, I bet this isn't something you thought of. Rebecca: You watch, she'll contrive her way out of this yet. > and were threatening the girl. Dan [Man]: We've got a copy of Daikatana, and we're not afraid to install it! > But just as he was about to intervene, the girl reached behind her and, > from out of nowhere, pulled out the biggest motherf'king gun Spike had > ever seen. Tsuneo: Well that was an unexpected turn of events. Dan: Say, little buddy, where do you keep that big motherf'king gun? Rebecca [Nasutei]: That's none of your motherf'king business. > This lead to some reasonable doubt among the men, Rebecca: Hers is bigger. Dan: They've got big motherf'king gun envy. > and they instantly turned tail and ran. All [British]: Run away! Run away! Dan: Whatever happened to gun checks? Rebecca: Remember kiddies, this is why every firearms-intensive system should have concealability ratings. > The girl, seeing that her 'admirers' > were averted for the night, cheerfully went back to drinking > her Peyton Place. Dan: I want what she's having. Tsuneo: I want out of here. Tango: I want to be... a lumberjack! > Spike's jaw nearly went through the floor. Never in his life had he seen > ANYTHING like that. Rebecca: You mean he's never seen someone pull a big motherf'king gun out of seemingly nowhere? And he's been hanging around Faye how long? > Carefully, he stepped towards the girl. "Hey there... > mind if I sit down?" Tsuneo: Rule one is to be polite to the girl with the big motherf'king gun, lest she blow your motherf'king head off. Tango: You're motherf'king right. > "You're not another 'admirer', are you?" the girl questioned instantly, Dan: [Spike] Depends on how much ammo you've got left. Tango: No, more of an obsessive stalking fan. Can I live in your cupboard and wear your clothes for a while? > lifting a serious face and dark magenta eyes to Spike. "If so, I hate > to tell you, but I'd have to blow you away." She patted the gun to her > side to reiterate what she had said. Rebecca: Yeah, I'd like to see you actually fire it. I suspect the recoil would send her through the opposite wall. > Spike threw his hands up in defense instantly, grinning nervously. Dan [Spike]: Not in the face! Not in the face! > "No way! I only wanted to talk to you! You... look familiar to me." Dan: Didn't I see you on, well, every piece of Evangelion merchandise? Tsuneo: Ha ha. Rebecca: Speaking of which, have you ever seen his room? You can't move for all the Reis. Tsuneo: ... > The girl nodded to the chair next to her, and as Spike sat, she started > speaking again. "You seemed a little familiar as well. Your voice, at > least. Have we met before?" Rebecca [Nasutei]: Do you come here often? Tango [Spike]: Only during the ice ages. > Spike tilted his head to one side. "Well, you might say that. Rebecca [Nasutei]: That. > Jet > contacted you about three months ago. I was the one who made the comment > about Chuck Norris." Tsuneo: Never, ever mention Chuck Norris. Tango: I like his films. They go well with a cheap red and some motor oil. > He grinned at the memory. Dan: Duh, I made a funny. > The girl looked puzzled, then looked amazed. "Honto ni?! Tango: No thanks, I'm trying to give them up. > You're that guy?! Dan: Who? Tsuneo: You know, that guy. > That means you're a friend of Jet's, doesn't it?!" > Spike nodded. "Three years running now. I'm Spike Spiegel." > The girl gave a cute little smile. "I'm Nasutei Kaneka." Tango: I'm Tango, but you can call me Tango. > "So, what're you doing here?" Tsuneo: Setting up the plot? > "I come here to wait... for Jet. Dan: He said he was going round to the store to get some milk. It's been three years now, so she's starting to get worried. > He told me when he left that he may come > back, and if he did, he would come to 'the usual place'. He and Ryuen used > to come here every other Saturday. The usual place." Tsuneo: You don't think he could have meant a different usual place? Dan: Could he have meant the *other* other Saturday? > "Ryuen?" Tango: No thanks, I'm trying to loose weight. > "My brother." > "...oh yeah. I think I remember Jet mentioning him." > "He died eight years ago... the last time I saw Jet was THREE years ago." > She stretched her hands over her head. "Maybe I've held on too long." Dan: For three years? Girl, use the bathroom now. > "So, after all this time of not seeing Jet, you still come here?" > "Yeah. I know he's not coming, back, but, y'know..." > "If you know he's not coming back, then why do you still come?" Rebecca [Nasutei]: Um... good point. At least the drinks are cheap. And the local thugs are entertaining. > The smile Nasutei cast him as she lifted her face to him was sad and longing. > "Because I needed something to hold onto..." Dan: She's only got her big motherf'king gun for company on those long, lonely nights. [Rebecca drives her metal elbow into the back of his head] Hey! What was that for? Rebecca: Tiffa's been giving me tips. > ***** > The Bebop was fairly silent when Spike returned home that night. Jet > was working on his bonzai trees, Tango: He's thinking of moving up to Bonsai mountains. > and Faye had turned in. He looked around for a moment. Tsuneo: You are in the Bebop's lounge room. There is a door off to one side, several magazines scattered around the place and a screen on the table. There is nobody in the room. What are you doing? Dan: How did we get here? I thought we were still chasing babes at the tavern. Tsuneo [Angry]: A dragon eats you, Dan. > He could either tell Jet about this meeting now, > or later. It didn't particularly matter. Rebecca: Then don't. > Well, it might not to him, at least. > He put his hand on his hip lightly, tilting his head to the side as > he contemplated his actions. Tango: Thinking... baaad! > One, he could tell Jet, and likely get > his ass chewed off for daring to speak with the girl. Two, he could > tell Jet, and watch the older man brush it off like it was nothing. Tsuneo: On the other hand, you could not mention it and nobody would care. > Sighing, he decided that either way, something was going to hit the > fan. Tango: Lunch? > Gaining a casually indifferent look, he strutted off towards the > room where Jet kept his bonzai trees. Tango: I hope he keeps them secure. If you don't watch out, Bonsai trees will attack you. They can skeletonise a cow in fifteen seconds, you know. Tsuneo: Er, Tango, that's piranha fish. Tango: It is? So what have I got in my aquarium? > ***** > The bar was now empty. Dan: So I asked for a refill. > The bartender was gone, but the bar still seemed > as if it should be open... Rebecca: Well, it's not closing time yet. Dan: So who's looking after the bar? Tango: A trained monkey with a shotgun. Tsuneo: Isn't that dangerous? Tango: Naw, he's a good shot. > Instead, the bartender stood out back with a few men, each one > dark, a look of evil overshadowing them. > "So..." Dan: So. Tsuneo: So. Rebecca: So. Tango: How about them cubs? > the tallest of the men murmured. "You say your daughter has come > down with Shikyo? That's potentially fatal, I hear..." Tango: I know. Just last week, I caught a wild Shikyo. Gave me the fight of my life, but I beat the little bastard. > The bartender clenched his fists lightly. "All I want is a cure, and you > said you could get it for me..." Rebecca: There's a cure. All you have to do is roll up your trousers. Tango: Okay. [He does] Rebecca: Aaagh! Bare knees! Now you've got the Plin! Tango: How do I cure it? Rebecca: Roll down your trousers! Tango: Sure. [He does] Rebecca: Aaagh! Covered knees! Now you've got the Shikyo again! Tango: How do I cure it? Rebecca: Roll up your trousers! Rebecca: Aaagh! Bare knees! Now you've got the Plin! Tango: How do I cure it? Rebecca: Roll down your trousers! Tango: Sure. [He does] Tsuneo: You should stop teasing him like that. Rebecca: But it's so fun. > "For a price," shrugged a second man. "The girl who comes into your bar... > what is her name? The one with the blue hair and magenta eyes." Dan [Bartender]: And the big motherf'king gun? Tsuneo: Yeah, that one. > For a moment, the bartender stood baffled, until he realized who was > at mention. "Oh... you mean Nasutei. Rebecca: You mean he gets other people in his bar with blue hair and red eyes? Tango: Yeah, but they're all called Rei. > Nasutei Kaneka is her name. Why > do you want to know?" Dan [Man]: No reason. > "If you want us to save your daughter," spoke in a third voice, "you'll > let us take the girl." Dan [Bartender]: I can't allow that. Tsuneo [Man]: And why not? Dan [Bartender]: She still hasn't paid her tab. > The bartender started fearfully. "Take Nasutei?! But why?!" > The first man scoffed. "You don't know?" The bartender shook his head. > "She's a Newtype. Newtypes are naturally immune to Shikyo. Tsuneo: They can also control Funnels and use Psychommu systems. Rebecca: And angst a lot. > Their blood > can be used to create an antivirus that will save your daughter's life." Tango: And it can also be used to get rid of those stubborn stains. > Biting his lip as the man paused, the bartender nodded finally for him > to continue. "Unfortunately, Newtypes are very rare, Dan: So you have to by a lot of booster packs to find one. > and your little friend happens to be one of them. Her blood is required... Tango: Or Red Cordial that looks a bit like blood, whichever is easier. Rebecca: So these guys are Aztec cultists or something? > will you give her up, or sacrifice your daughter's life...?" Tsuneo: Why not just wait outside the bar for her? Rebecca: because if we don't have this scene, we can't set up the plot! > For a long moment, the bartender simply stood and thought. Nasutei was > a good kid, she would never think of harming anyone. Rebecca: So why does she carry the big motherf'king gun? Dan: It's her special friend. [Rebecca hits him again] Owwww! > She just sat in > that bar and waited, waited for Jet to come back. Then again... Tsuneo: She scares off his customers, never pays her bills, doesn't wash her hands and stubs out her cigarettes on the furniture. Dan: [Bartender] That's it, the twerp dies. > this > was his daughter at stake... He sighed. "All right then. Two weeks from > today, she'll come in again, at 8:00 sharp. Tsuneo: Weather permitting. > Be here." Dan [Man]: Er, we can't make it that day. How about Monday? Tsuneo [Bartender]: Nope. I'm busy. Can we make it Wednesday? Dan [Man]: I'm taking my kid to the movies. Thursday? Tsuneo [Bartender]: Got a dental appointment. How about Saturday? > The second man grinned. "Ah, yes... we knew you'd see it our way..." Tango [Mr Burns]: Eeexcellent. > ***** > "Oi, Jet..." Spike knocked lightly on the doorframe leading into the > bonzai room. "You in here?" Dan [Jet]: Let me just check... yeah. > Jet Black blinked a few times, looking up from his work only briefly > before frowning and looking back down. Rebecca: Well it's nice to see you too. Tango: Don't interrupt. He's in the final round of the world-championship Bonsai tournament. Rebecca: How long has he been at it. Tango: Five years. We're expecting it'll get real intense around July. > "You're late," he stated calmly. "Again." Dan [Spike]: Sorry dad. Tango [Jet]: And your room's a mess! Dan [Spike]: Yes, Dad. Tango [Jet]: And have you been spilling blood on the floor again? Dan [Spike]: No, Dad. > Spike gave a short laugh. "I'm not dead, though. Rebecca: ...By some act of plot contrivance. > Don't get so uptight." > He took out a pack of cigarettes, slipping one into his mouth before > glancing at Jet again. Tango: Don't you know, those things will kill you. > "I talked to a friend of yours tonight." Dan: Jet has friends? I thought he only had a million associates. > "A friend of mine?" Jet mumbled between clips. "On Venus?" Rebecca: No, on Pluto. Why else do you think he's so late home? > "Yeah. Coincidentally, it was that kid you talked to over the vidcom. > Nasutei." Dan: Wow. I've never seen a guy pack his bags and book a trip to Neptune that fast. > There was a loud clip as Jet started visibly. He glared at the bonzai > for a moment, Tango [Jet]: I'll deal with you later. Now go to your room! > then spun around to glare at Spike. > "You saw her?! Where?!" > "A bar." Dan: But there was only one left on the rack. Tango: But it was with the rock bubble packaging, so it's worth even more. > "...oh, shit." > "What?" > "She knows we're somewhere around here! Hell, I should've stayed > hidden..." Rebecca: This is the point where you begin looking into log cabins in Montana. > "Well, I doubt she'll come after us. She stated she knows you're not > coming for her." Spike frowned deeply. "So, why is it that you never > went back? Dan [Jet]: I lost my keys. > This kid seems to have you up on a pedestal." Tango: Under a glass dome surrounded by motion sensors and laser beams. > "She's not a kid," Jet stated darkly. "But it's best if I leave her > be. I have no place with her." Tsuneo: She's cute and bubbly. He's old and grumpy. At best they're a short-lived sitcom premise. Tango: If it was Fox, I'd say two episodes. If it was channel Ten, three seasons. And if it was channel seven, twelve seasons, but with a dozen changes of cast and guest spots by Georgie Parker. > "Oh, you don't? Why'd you tell her you'd come back then?" > "I said I MIGHT come back." Jet frowned, his eyes dark. Dan [Jet]: I'm a bastard, what do you expect? > "It's her own fault for clinging on..." > Spike tilted his head slightly, his still unlit cigarette hanging > loosely from his lips. Despite the harsh tone, the look in Jet's eyes > was distant. Why did he seem so dark, so lonely? Rebecca: "Black Dog Serenade". "Ganameyde Elegy". Watch the damned show! > "You cared about her, didn't you?" Dan [Jet]: Well, no. Tsuneo [Spike]: Okay. > Jet was on his feet in an instant, and Spike backed off a bit. Tango: With his chair and whip in hand. > "She was a kid, then, Spike! She was 16 when I left! Just a kid..." > He paused, sitting back down and sighing heavily. "Just drop it." > Spike shrugged lightly. "Your call." Tsuneo: Heads! Rebecca: Tails! Dan: Edge! Tango: Christian! > Jet glared lightly at him, but Spike only lit his cigarette and > started to walk away. Rebecca: Well that was a waste of time. Tango: So, what's on Metal? Dan: Taka and Funaki! > ***** > Two weeks passed, and things seemed to settle down a bit. Jet spent > more and more time with his bonzai as the end of the second week > approached. Rebecca [Quiet, British]: And we're nearing the end of the second week and there's been some exciting pruning from Jet. He has the clippers out, and it looks like... yes, this could be the definitive pruning. Tsuneo [British, quiet]: Yes, we haven't seen action like this since the 1976 finals. Now there was some exciting pruning. > Faye Valentine and Spike were also spending a lot of > time avoiding one another. It was as if an awkward air was spread > between the two whenever they passed one another. Rebecca [Faye]: So. Tsuneo [Spike]: So. Rebecca [Faye]: Not dead? Tsuneo [Spike]: No. Rebecca [Faye]: Oh. Tsuneo [Spike]: Yep. > Sitting on the couch one lazy Friday afternoon, just at the end of > the passing weeks, Spike decided that to ease his puzzled mind, he > would watch Big Shot. Dan: Uh, don't they watch it regularly so they can get work? Tsuneo: Yes, but he's watching it for fun. > And as he listened, he started to get an uneasy feeling in his stomach. > 'Newtypes' were being targeted. These Newtypes were strange indeed, > as they featured fair skin and strangely colored eyes, with oddly > colored hair... Dan: You can spot them easily, as they usually get around in silly-looking Mobile Armours. > His head shot up instantly. Almost inhuman... Tango: Like me! Dan: Or my sister. Rebecca: It must run in the family. > That girl! His mind > instantly flashed through images of Nasutei... Tsuneo: This is Nasutei on the beach in Hawaii. This is Nasutei posing for a trading card photo. This is Nasutei in scanty lingerie. > with her inhuman > magenta eyes and strange blue hair. Could she be...?! Rebecca: A cloned angel-human hybrid desperately seeking a job? > "Masaka...!" > Instantly, he bolted to his feet and took off down the hall to Jet's > rec room. Dan: Jet's bonsai room. It's a happening place. > Before he arrived, however, he ran directly into Faye, who > was stepping out of the shower in her robe. Tango: BOOBIES! Dan: And if this was the show, we'd have another cleavage close-up about... now! > Spike thought to himself. > Yes, an interesting predicament it was. Faye had fallen, and he had > landed on top of her, literally straddling her as he stared down, > his face inches from hers. Rebecca: COMEDY! > "S--Spike!! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Tango [Spike]: Charging headlong down a hallway without looking? Rebecca [Faye]: Well that's okay then. > Faye finally > snapped, a blush crossing her cheeks. "Get the hell off of me, you > overgrown TOOTHPICK!" Rebecca: Snigger... toothpicks... > "Oh, great insult," grumbled Spike Tango: She got it off the back of a cereal packet. > as he moved himself off Faye's being. Tsuneo: Faye's being what? Dan: Fanservice? Please? [Rebecca elbows him again] > "Look, we've got a problem. Dan [Spike]: We're halfway through the show and the plot hasn't gone anywhere. > Get dressed and meet me in the rec room." > "...why?" > "Just do it! Rebecca: And that's what Nike says to the sweatshop workers, too. > Jet's friend might be in trouble." > Faye sat up instantly. Rebecca [Faye]: Tell somebody who cares. Tango: BOOBIES! BOOBIES! STARCRAFT! BOOBIES! > "You're kidding?!" she blurted. "That kid...?!" > "YES, that kid! Tango: Not the annoying Pepsi girl! Dan: Wrong kid. Tango: Oh. Carry on. > Now, get up and let's get going!" Tsuneo: Before the plot grounds to a halt. Dan: But not before some more close-ups of Faye's chest. Rebecca: Dan, you must really like living life dangerously. > ***** > Jet narrowed his eyes lightly, a single bead of sweat traveling down > his forehead. Tsuneo: Then taking the A-23 to Basingstone. > He leaned in closer to the bonzai tree, Tango: I could be mistaken, but that might be a tree. > preparing to clip the small wayward branch, Tsuneo: I used to grow Bonsai trees, but I gave it up. Too stressful. > when... Rebecca: Stuff happened! > "JET!" > Snip. Jet groaned and slapped his forehead. Yet another ruined tree. Tsuneo: Comedy! > "What do you want, Spike?" he growled lowly, turning to the door. Dan [Spike]: Nothing, I just like shouting out people's names for no reason. > "Jet, what do you know about Newtypes?" Tsuneo: They have odd hair and eye colours, they can control mobile armours through psychommnu systems, they have many personal problems and the artificial ones die a lot. > "I know that Nasutei is one. Why do you ask?" Dan [Spike]: Me and Faye have a bet going. > "Then she's in DEEP shit. Tango: Hip deep in doo-doo. > There's a disease going around Venus... Rebecca: Well that's what you get from opening e-mails with strange attachments. > people... are being infected..." Tsuneo: That's what happens with viruses, yes. > Jet blinked, noting that Spike was slowly starting to stagger a bit, > his eyes apparently heavy. Dan: Doesn't he always look like that? Rebecca: More so than usual. Dan: That's not good. > "Spike...? You okay, bud?" > Spike nodded weakly, before dropping to his knees. > "What... what's going on...?" he questioned lightly. Tsuneo: A completely unsurprising development in a crappy fanfic. > Jet walked over to him carefully as Faye stepped up behind. > "What's going on?" she asked. Tsuneo: I said- [Rebecca hits him with a cushion] > "I don't know," Jet shrugged, kneeling in front of Spike. "Spike, you > feeling all right?" Dan [Spike]: Room... spinning... bowels... churning... Must finish... twelve foot... hoagie... > Spike shook his head slightly. > "I... don't know WHAT'S wrong..." he murmured. "I feel... so weak..." Tango: I get the same feeling when I get hit by a Mack truck. Rebecca: Does it happen often? Tango: You'd be surprised. Somebody's got to go and put the mag-light under it for those ads! > With those simple words, he fell foreward. Dan: Graceful. > Jet caught him, his eyes wide. > "Spike!" he called. "Spike, wake up!" Tango [Spike]: Uggh... I just had the worst dream. I died, got better, went direly OOC and ended up chasing around this blue-haired, red-eyed weirdo. What? > Faye stood for a moment in shock, not knowing what to do. Rebecca: Lighten the pressure on his wallet. > "What...?" > "Don't just stand there, Faye!" Jet suddenly snapped. "Get some blankets! > I need to get ahold of a doctor...!" Tsuneo: I guess being disembowelled is finally catching up with him. > ***** > "It's Shikyo," Tango: I'd recognise it anywhere. Tsuneo: How so? Tango: Note the distinctive nose and the slight woody flavour. > the doctor stated quite matter-of-factly after his > examination was complete the following day. "Second stage. Rebecca: Clear for separation. > If he doesn't get the antivirus within 72 hours, he'll die." Tango: And the Norton website is down! > Jet drew a heavy breath. > "How much is the treatment?" Tsuneo: This is going to hurt. > "914,600 woolongs." Tsuneo: Is that before or after tax? Dan [Jet]: Will you accept payments in Bonsai? Tango [Doctor]: Alternatively, for fifty woolongs, we can poke him with a taser. Dan: [Jet] Will that help? Tango: [Doctor] No, but it's fun. > Jet cringed at the thought. That was a very reasonable price, and yet, at > the same time, quite UNreasonable. Rebecca: It's about now that all the Canadians in the audience will laugh and point. > "We don't have that much..." he sighed. Tsuneo: How much do they have? Tango: Two buttons, some dog biscuits, pocket lint, a paperclip and a relief map of Tibet. > As the doctor and Jet discussed pricing, Faye sat next to Spike > worriedly, occasionally running a slender hand through his fluffy > green hair. Rebecca: I wouldn't. Could you imagine what would be growing in there? Tsuneo: I still don't know why they're off-put about blue hair and fine with green and purple. Tango: But that's because she's Special. > Spike would only respond with a light groan, his head > turning slightly in the direction of the touch. Dan: And then going through the full three-sixty. > She frowned worriedly, > gently running her hand down his cheek. His skin seemed clammy, Tango: I'll grab the chowder sauce. > but was desperately warm. > She stuck out her lip indignantly. Why did he have to go and get sick > like this?! Rebecca: Ungrateful swine. Next time he should ask before he gets sick. Dan: Actually, he's spending a year dead for tax reasons. > Didn't he realize that there were people who cared about > him here...?! Tsuneo: Such as his creditors and Faye's creditors and Jet's creditors... > "Faye, are you listening to me?" Rebecca [Faye]: Right, he's dead, time for me to get out of... Oh, did you say something? > Faye was finally snapped out of her thoughts by Jet's deep voice. > Lifting her eyes to him, she blinked. > "Huh?" > "Our only way of footing this bill will be to get this bounty. All: He's dead. > It's 3 million woolongs. Tango: This time. Big Bad Wolf is going down! > And in that case, we may be lucky if we can even..." > Jet stopped, his breath catching lightly. Nasutei, of course. Tsuneo: Say hello to little Ms Plot Device. > "Faye, > stay here with Spike. I'll be back soon enough. There's someone I > need to talk to..." Rebecca: His insurance fixer? Tango: No, it's the old guy with the Playstation. He wants to borrow it for the weekend. > ***** > Eight o'clock sharp that night, a group of men entered the old bar > to find the same girl, sitting in the corner, idly finishing off a > Kamikaze Shot. Dan: Take that, US Navy! Rebecca: ...Big motherf'king gun at the ready. > One of them stepped up to her, the tallest man from two weeks before. Tsuneo: He's four foot nine of pure attitude. > "You're Nasutei Kaneka?" he asked. Rebecca: No, she's just some random red-eyed, blue-haired girl with a big motherf'king gun. Tsuneo [Man]: Sorry, thought you were someone else. > Nasutei nodded. "Who wants to know?" Dan: Gendo Ikari. You're out way past your bedtime, young lady. > Another man placed a gun to the back of her head. "We'd request that > you come along quietly." Rebecca [Nasutei]: No. Dan [Man]: Please? Rebecca [Nasutei]: No. Dan [Man]: Pretty please? Rebecca [Nasutei]: No. Dan [Man]: Please? I'll give you a bag of lollies. Rebecca [Nasutei]: How old do you think I am? > The magenta-eyed girl frowned deeply. "I think this is more of a > command than an offer." Tsuneo: Can we consider it a forceful request? Command sounds so ugly. > She stood quietly, and for a moment, she made > no movement. "I don't like being told what to do." Tango: She's an independent woman! Except when she needs her shoelaces tied, that is. > "Well, consider this a first then," smirked a third man. > Nasutei only smiled, and within an instant, she ducked beneath the > gun, turning and swiftly landing a solid punch to the gunman's stomach. > Step one complete, hell was breaking loose. Dan: See what happens when you don't firmly secure your hell? It breaks loose and goes everywhere. > Dodging a man as he tried to > grab her, she ran over to the bar and grabbed a stool, using it as an > effective blunt object to slam over that particular man's head. Tango: And while the ref was looking the other way too! > Things seemed to be going along, at first, great. Nasutei's small size > made for easy jumping and weaving about her attackers. Tsuneo: She's also easy to park in the city. > However, when > another figure stepped through the doors, she froze in her tracks. Rebecca: Captain Cold strikes again! > "Jet...?!" > This was the fatal err. The gunman, finally regaining his breath and > balance, dealt her a blow to the back of the head with the back end > of his gun. Dan: See, she's only stunned. The Blue Newtype stuns easily. Beautiful plumage though. > With barely a sound, she fell, and another man caught her Tsuneo: And then went for the conversion. Goal! > and turned to the gunman. > "Bounty hunter! Let's split!" Tango: Let's make like a banana split and leave! > Jet barely had time to get his bearings about him. > "Hey..! Let her go, NOW." He drew his gun, but the gunman and the other > man were gone before he had a chance to fire. Tsuneo [Badly-dubbed]: Ninja... Vanish! > Frowning deeply, he turned > to the nearest member of the small group, and, before he could flee, > wrapped his bionic arm around the man's neck. Dan: Jet Black is... the six and a half Woolong Man! > "Where are they taking her?" Rebecca: Back to Side 4. > "You think I'll tell you tha--..ERK!" The man choked a bit as the metallic > arm about his neck tightened. "There's a medical office on the edge of town! Dan: But it closed, and all the staff moved into an Italian restaurant. > The basement... the basement there is where the Newtypes are taken to have > their blood drawn!" Tsuneo: It's also where they keep all the old magazines. Tango: Hey, they've got old Nintendo Power issues. Cool. > Jet frowned even deeper and flung the man against the wall. > "Should've come sooner..." he grumbled. Rebecca: You couldn't help it. The traffic was murder. > He'd have to go back to the Bebop, get more ammo for his gun. Tango: And then maybe a bite to eat. > Maybe even recruit Faye into this rescue. All: Ha! > Sighing, he turned to go. > "I should've come back sooner..." Dan: That happens to me all the time. I'm five minutes late so they add a days' worth of late fee onto the tape. Tsuneo: What do you do? Dan: I never pay. I've got fifty bucks worth of late fines now. > ***** > Spike opened one eye as he listened to a conversation between Jet and > Faye. Rebecca [Faye]: I am a banker. The farm is on the outskirts of town. Dan [Jet]: I like swords. Rebecca [Faye]: I am a banker. The farm is on the outskirts of town. Dan [Jet]: I like swords. Rebecca [Faye]: I am a banker. The farm is on the outskirts of town. Dan [Jet]: I like swords. Rebecca [Faye]: I am a banker. The farm is on the outskirts of town. Dan [Jet]: I like swords. Tsuneo: Thanks for that. Tango: I like guns and cheese. Tsuneo: ... > The girl from the bar had been kidnapped, Jet was going to save > her. Faye would be going as well. Tango: Leaving him all alone and critically ill, with nobody to protect him from the feral puddings. > Grunting, he forced himself to sit up, despite how much he ached. He > wasn't about to be left out of this deal. > "And whatever you do, Faye, don't let Spike hear about this!" Jet > insisted. Rebecca: Is that why you're shouting every word so that everyone within earshot can hear everything you say loud and clear? > "A little late for that." Spike stepped into the room, his jacket > casually slung over his shoulder. "I'm coming." > "No, you're not," growled Jet lowly, glaring at his friend and partner. > "You need to rest." > "Have you ever known me to listen to a doctor?" Spike grinned, > staggering foreward a bit. Tsuneo: What's the worst that's going to happen? Dan: He dies? Tsuneo: Going on his track record in this fic, he'd be up in a minute. > Jet sighed. "Stubborn." > "Yep." > Faye put a hand on her hip, partially glaring at Spike, partially sighing > in exasperation. Rebecca [Faye]: Fine. If you want to run off and get yourself killed while we're saving your life, do it. See if we care. [Pause] Hang on... > "Well, if we're going to go, let's GO. We don't have all > night. If we don't hurry, she'll be dead before we get there." Tsuneo: And the plot along with her. > The other two nodded in agreement, though Jet seemed vaguely distant still. > This wasn't just a rescue mission to him. Dan: This time, it's a rescue mission to get money to save someone's life. > To him, this was war. Tango: Wacky hijinks shall ensue. Rebecca: You said ensue again. Tango: Whoops. > ***** > "Wake up, sleepy-head..." Tango: This won't hurt a bit... Until I shove this thingamiewhatsit down your throat! > what's going on...?> Nasutei shuddered as she > awoke, small hands clenching into the table beneath her. Table...? > Had those men taken her?! Dan: She's been abducted by the knights of the Dinner Table. Tango [Bob]: We came up short a player this week, so we got a temp. > "Ah, good. You're up. Just in time for the fun to begin." Forcibly, > the girl opened her eyes, staring at a man in surgical scrubs and a > face mask before her. Rebecca: Please tell me that wasn't all he was wearing. Tango: No, he was also wearing his Doink the Clown outfit. > "Tell me... how much blood is existant in the > human body?" Rebecca: Six litres. Tango: However, in Anime it's more like twelve gallons. Maybe more. > When Nasutei didn't answer, he continued. Tsuneo: I think he's ignoring you. > "It doesn't matter, really. > Because every bit of the blood in your sweet little body is going into > an airtight container, Dan: Where it will be used to fill water balloons to throw at people. > and it will be used to cure people... consider > yourself... a martyr of science." Tsuneo: Ahh, Mad science at work. Tango: It's the best kind. > Eyes widening, Nasutei started to struggle, noting now that she was > strapped down, Rebecca: Is there a hunchbacked guy called Igor hanging around? Tango: No, he's busy fending off the townspeople with the torches and scary Frankenstein rakes. > and the sleeve of her sweater had been ripped off. Dan: Couldn't you just roll her sleeve up? Tango: Naw, that wouldn't be *evil* enough. > The > sight of the surgical needle approaching her slender, exposed arm was > enough to make her squirm even more. Tsuneo: This is sounding disturbingly like a lemonfic. Dan: Does it need to be coloured black with a skull & crossbones on it? Tango: Remember, *eeevil!* > "Let me go...!" she protested weakly. "Let me go! I already... > I signed up to give blood at a drive tomorrow..." Dan: They wanted to make an early withdrawal. > "Oh, but that's not _nearly_ enough," the 'doctor' grinned. "We'll > take all your blood, Tango [Doctor]: All your blood are belong to us. You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha. Dan: Kill him for that. Rebecca: Nup. Dan: Why not? Whenever I AYB, you hurt me. How come he can get away with it? Rebecca: Frankly, Dan, it's because I don't like you. > and you'll save many more people..." Tango: Okay, so he's not that *eeevil* after all. > Nasutei whimpered and bit her lip. This wasn't going well. > Closing her eyes tightly, she awaited the intrusive probe of the needle Tango: Heh, you said "probe". Dan: Well this won't end well. > at the soft flesh of her arm. Instead, she was greated by the sound of > a gunshot, and the sickeningly warm feeling of blood being splattered > on her face. Rebecca [Nasutei]: I go all faint at the sight of blood, especially mine. Dan: Ewwwww! His brains went down her top. Tango: Mad scientist fry for dinner tonight! > Opening her eyes, she saw that the doctor was standing there > no more, Dan: Instead, there was a weird monster with mis-matching limbs. Hojo in a rare cameo. > and someone was running up to her. Tango: Forrest Gump? Rebecca: No, if it was Forrest, he'd be running past her. > Turning her head, she saw the > man she had met in the bar two weeks before. Dan: The other day three men walked into a bar. You would have thought one of them would have seen it. [Dead silence] What? > "Spike!" she called. "Spike, where's Jet?!" Tsuneo: [Spike] He's outside parking the car. > "He and Faye are dealing with things outside," mumbled Spike in return, Dan: Thus the sounds of excessive violence and carnage. > his hands fumbling with the clasps that were holding her down. "Damn... > code locked..." Rebecca: Well he may be a mad scientist, but at least he believes in security. Tsuneo: So how did Spike get in anyway? Rebecca: He bribed the cleaner. > A few more gunshots ran out, and soon, Faye and Jet were at Spike's side. > "Here..." Faye stated, reaching into her jacket and pulling out a pin. > "Use this to pick the lock. Tsuneo: So it's a coded lock with a convenient keyhole? Dan: So where was Faye keeping that pin? Tango: Same place she keeps her big motherf'king gun. > Jet, I'll hold off the rest of them, you help Spike!" > Jet sighed, but obliged as Faye moved out to fire at some approaching > lackeys. Dan: They're just mooks, no-one cares about them. > As much as he hated being told what to do, he didn't have much > of a choice. Rebecca: You could ask Faye to do it. Dan: Stand up for yourself, Jet! You're letting our side down! Rebecca: Dan? You can't talk. > He moved to Nasutei's ankles, easily breaking the clasps > there with one hand... Dan: The hand of fate. Tango: He has the power of *Ellwaaay!* > one metal hand. When the girl was finally free, Rebecca: After he read out the emancipation proclamation. > Jet shifted her slightly to pick her up, and then supported Spike with > his other arm. Dan: Wow, Jet's doing everything. Who needs the rest of them? > "Faye, we're out of here!" Rebecca: [Faye] Just a second, I want to pick up something at the souvenir shop. > Faye nodded and bolted back to the others, and under pressuring > gunfire and shouts, they escaped... > ***** > A day and a half later, Spike groaned, glowering at the doctor who > had just injected something into his arm. Tango: [Doctor] I've just injected you with red jelly. Let's see what happens. > "There you are," he said. "You'll be better in a week's time." Tsuneo: [Doctor] Or your money back > "I'll be better in a week's time," Spike repeated mockingly as the > doctor left the room. Dan: [Doctor] Ungrateful sod, I won't save your life next time. > Faye soon replaced his presence. "What do YOU want?" Rebecca [Faye]: Since I helped save your life, you owe me. > "Oh, not much," shrugged Faye. "Just to bug you." She sat down on the > table, peering at him speculatively. "Feeling better?" > "No." Dan: Glad to see his sense of humour hasn't been affected. > "Well, this should just make your day, then. First, the guy you shot > between the eyes was the bounty head, so we get no money." Spike groaned. Tango: The conspiracy strikes again! > "Second, the bartender who set Nasutei up has been aquitted, and his > daughter -- who he did all that for -- was given treatment by request > of Nasutei. Third, Jet's been talking with that kid, and she's decided > to hang out with us. Dan: So what's she got offer them? Rebecca: She's Special? Tango: Mad warez? Tsuneo: She can pilot a mobile armour? > We have a new tenant on the Bebop." Tsuneo [Spike]: After you with the big motherf'king gun, Faye. > Spike gave a short grunting noise. "Why couldn't I just stay dead the first > time?" Dan: B-doom tish. [Rebecca mutters darkly] > "I d'no, because you like us too much?" Faye batted her lashes > mockingly at Spike. Tsuneo: [Spike] No chance of that. > "Anyhow, you get some rest." She stood, stretching > langorously. "Have a nice nap." > As she walked out, Spike groaned once more. > "I hate kids, animals, and women. All: With attitude. > And now I have two of one of them. Could my life possibly get any worse?" Dan: And there's the pitch... > Spike was going to wish he'd never said that. All: Foreshadowing! > ~See You, Space Cowboy...~ > ~.oOo.~Ed: Next session, Ed returns! o^____^o Dan: Well, there ya go. Tsuneo: Meanwhile, back on the floating island, straight from an appearance in "Bar Time Blues..." > Ein: *barks* > Ed: And Ein too! > Spike: You've GOT to be KIDDING me! > Jet: I hafta admit, I missed those two. > Faye: God... > Nasutei: Who're they? o_O Tango: They're your worst nightmare with fleas. > Ed: Coming up, "Bad Boy"! Ed will be back on the Bebop again soon! Yay!~.oOo.~ [The TV switches off] Tsuneo: Well that was an experience. Tango: STARCRAFT! BOOBIES! Voice: I see. Uh, can I have your reviews now? Rebecca: Fine, I'll start but I warn you, it's not going to be pretty. Voice: Go on. Rebecca: Right. What do we have in this fic? Crap. Characterisation: Crap. When they have character, they're grossly OOC. Plot: Crap. It's a simple "get the McGuffin" plot. Suspense: Crap. The authour avatar was blatant and you knew that she'd survive. Comedy: Crap. The authour was going for try-hard funny. In conclusion: Crap. Thankyou. Dan: I'll admit I'm usually not interested in the plot of fanfics, but this one got to me. Is was so damned bland. It was boring, predictable and really sucked. As far as I can tell, a new mysterious virus comes out of nowhere that requires easily-synthesized antibodies from "special" human blood to cure. It's really badly contrived to make Nas-whatsername as important as possible. It's so weak. Tsuneo: What got me was Nasutei herself. When an entire fic is centred around a single character, it's important to make her as interesting as possible. So we get Natuei, who is as blandly weak and watery as possible. And since this was her introduction, it's supposed to make us like her. And it just ain't working. Tango: Starcraft! Boobies! Showcase! Starcraft! Boobies! Gauntlet! Starcraft! Boobies! Dick Pound! Boobbies Wubble! [Long, nervous silence] Tsuneo: Well, I can't hang around here all day. I've got people to poke and haircuts to give out. Here, Gronk! [The door - and a substantial portion of the wall - collapse as the Bantha charges back in] Dan: Gronk. Rebecca: You asked. Dan: I did. Tsuneo: You bought this on yourself. Dan: I did. Tango: Let us be off! The Jawas are coming! [He climbs onto the Bantha] Dan: Hey, can I get a lift? I figure I'm about to be hurt. Tango: Why, certainly Elroy! Just jump on up here. This one's a family model and has no less than seventeen cup-holders! Dan: Thanks, I think. [He climbs onto the Bantha's back] Tango: Hi ho, Gronk! Away! [The Bantha charges out of the apartment. Well, shambles] Rebecca: Well, you don't see that every day. Tsuneo: Remind me not to go to Mos Eisly. Rebecca: Good plan. [They get up and leave. The screen goes blank] Voice: Next time, I can go without a review from Tango. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riffed by: Jinas (jinas@elmerstudios.com), Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) and Twin Cannon(ausmax@ihug.com.au) Tango is copyright 1997-2001 "TS" Eliot (Twin Cannon) Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1999-2001 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1999-2001 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova Satori shrine, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp, all in one big steaming pile. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > the girl reached behind her and, from out of nowhere, pulled out the biggest > motherf'king gun Spike had ever seen.