Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Elmer episode 88 brings us DELTA episode 12, featuring the amazing FIGHT SCENE! Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Evangelion II Delta Invasion is copyright Tom Dyron (Gee. Who'd have guessed?) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A cardboard box sits by the bench, with a tattered plastic Christmas tree lying on the ground next to it.] [Rebecca and Rick enter the apartment, talking] Rick: So was it as bad as you expected? Rebecca: Terrible. Rick: Wow. Rebecca: And do you know what's the worst thing about it all? Rick: No... Do tell. Rebecca: Nightscream lived. Rick: Ouch. [Dan enters from the kitchen] Dan: Hey there guys. Rebecca: What are you doing here so early? Rick: Yeah, you usually avoid this place like the plauge. Dan: That's rich coming from Mr. Absentee there. Rick: Ha ha. Rebecca: So why are you here already? Dan: It arrived! Rebecca: Cool! Dan: So I came here early to unpack and install it. Rick: Is it ready? Dan: You bet. Rebecca: Tsuneo's going to love it. [Tsuneo enters] Tsuneo: Love what? Dan: Never mind! Rebecca: Yes, never mind! Tsuneo: You know what, I'm not going to ask. In fact, I don't think I even want to know. I'm just going to go and check the mail. [Tsuneo heads over to the computer and fiddles with the mouse. Dan breathes a sigh of relief.] Rick: Have we got anything? Tsuneo: Yeah, there's a couple that just come in. [They all cluster around the computer] Tsuneo: This first one is from Keith Palmer on DELTA 11. > In DELTA Invasion part 9, the planet DELTA was blown up, presumably > taking all the Invadors with it. I managed to shrug that off, > though, and went on to DELTA Invasion part 10, in which NERV killed > everybody in "the SEELE." That made me start to worry about what > would happen in the last three chapters. Rick: In a pinch, you could have just built your own random Delta Invasion episode generator > I suppose I wasted a good worry. Like you said at the end of your > MSTing, this is definitely one of the most hilariously bad chapters > of DELTA Invasion yet. At the same time, it's sort of a conisseur's > badness in the way it unbelievably mangles the Evangelion backstory > far beyond recognition. (The No Holds Barred tournament of part 4 > was probably the funniest part on its own merits, and the SEELE > attack on NERV and the NERV attack on SEELE in part 10 managed to > combine both original entertainment and a twisted view on the > original. But enough about that.) Tsuneo: We're actually running a competition to see what's the worst chapter of Delta Invasion. I say number eleven, myself. Rebecca: I say nine. Rick: I say four, and I didn't even see it. > It bothers me slightly that Justice hasn't shown up yet, even if we > get an idea of what he is. I keep thinking of how I kept wondering > what John would add to the madness, only to ultimately find he didn't > add anything. Of course, that could be just part of the icing on the > last two parts. Dan: We're all of the opinion that John just won't do anything. > I feel compelled to add some comments on specific parts of the > MSTing. I did kind of enjoy the opening segment, and it was somehow > nice to see Anthony Draven mentioned again. At the same time, it's a > little unsettling that I've actually heard some of the songs you > mentioned. I never used to have that problem when reading the NXE > play lists. :) I was also interested by this little exchange: > >Tsuneo: How about an exceptionally chitzy Spice Girls track? > >Rick: Spice who? > >Tsuneo: You know, pre-fab girl group? > >Rick: Can't say I recall that, partner. > It looks like Rick's repressed a memory. There's hope for us all! Dan: Nah, it's just that the Spice Girls were so mid-nineties. No-one remembers them now. > > > "At SEELE HQ, I stole the Dead Sea Scrolls written in 1050 A.D., > >but now, read > > > them, it's very special..." > Those Dead Sea Scrolls were written about a thousand years too late. > Still, it sort of fits in to the story. Tsuneo: Strangely apt. > > > As they all read, they were amazed. First of all, was the list of > >all angels : > > > 1/ Lilith > > > 2/ Adam > > >Tsuneo: BZZZT! Wrong! Go back! > >Rick: Actually, Lilith and Adam like to swap around just to annoy people. > I've heard that the Second Angel isn't properly identified, and that > Lilith isn't an Angel at all. On the other hand, comments like that > probably made it inevitable she would get tagged after a while. > >Tsuneo: In short, we've taken God out of the picture and attributed > >creation to > >a footnote in Christian apocrypha. > I've also heard that Lilith is more a factor in Jewish mysticism. > I've even heard she's mentioned in the Old Testament somewhere > (although I'm not exactly sure where...) Dan: My bet is that Tom's only heard the name in EVA anyway. > >Rebecca: Well, they are musicians. Accounting for coffee breaks, drug breaks, > >sex breaks, legal arguments, artistic arguments, pondering the meaning of the > >word artisitic, temper tantrums, bitch fights, finding Kensuke dead > >in his hotel > >room, visits backstage by groupies and other such distractions, I figure they > >do maybe fifteen minutes of work. Between them. Per week. > No nitpicks here; I just found this a particularly funny riff in a > particularly funny part of the story. > > > "I feel bad about everything we said about him!" said Asuka. > When did they say anything bad about John? (For that matter, when > did they say *anything* about John?) Rick: They said he was special, but that was about it. > I also enjoyed the closing discussion. Still, it left me strangely > sad. There are only two chapters of DELTA Invasion left. Soon, the > requisite bloody and incoherent fights against goofy Invadors will be > over, and Tom Dyron will no longer lead the Dragons of Doom to > increasingly contrived glory in between hacking into NERV's computers > and beating up his enemies. (All right--there's *something* wrong > with me!) Dan: No kidding. Rebecca: The day I get sentimental for Delta is the day I am tired of life. Tsuneo: And thanks as always for writing in, Keith. Next up is from Hotwire, also on DELTA 11. > oh. my. dear. God. Rick: That's right, Delta's so bad it's got this guy talking like Shatner. > that was bad. that was beyond bad. that was so over the top bad that I > was alternitaly retching from the story and laughing my self silly from > the riffs. how dare that little twerp? not only did he have the gall to > rewrite about eighty percent of ESTABLISHED eva facts, but then the > little #$%@ had the @#$%damn nerve to #@#$ up REI!!!!! (note to > self...disable the censor device) how can someone manage to so > completelly screw up the history of Eva? how? (breaks down in tears) ok > Im better now... Tsuneo: I want to know how he can manage to completely miss everything said in the last six or so episodes. Dan: Maybe he needs the- Rick & Rebecca: SSSH! Dan: Whoops, sorry. > you guys do good work. I dont think I could have survived that story > (such as it was) outside a MST format. I didnt honestly find delta that > evil untill this chapter. granted they were SI'ing the hell out of the > story, but thats so comon nowdays that its hardly worth sneazing at. but > with this one chapter. with this one single chapter they managed to > almost destroy anny resemblance their little puppet world had to the NGE > that I have grown to know, love , and obsess over. I almost cried in > pain and rage when they trashed Rei's history. and I think I suspect > why. somewhere along the way while they were writong this somebody told > them WHY it is so icky for Shinji and Rei to do the horizontal polka. > instead of doing the SMART thing and re-writing the story so that the > ickyness was no longer a factor, they proceded to destroy and major plot > element of Eva to satisfy their own perverted whims. Tsuneo: Well, only if you think of Rei as *just* a clone of Yui, rather than her own person. Like Gendo does, I mean. Rick: But there's still the ickyness factor of her having his mother's DNA and all. > delta invasion has now surpassed NXE for the most twisted Eva > reality in my book. my the winner roast in hell. (hmm I dont sound > bitter or insulted do I?) All: Nah. Dan: He sounds just like you, Tsuneo. > anyway, keep up the good work and keep fighting the good fight. > Hotwire > (ps: am working on a MST project and one of the characters want to know > if he can borrow Dan's Furby... I was afraid to ask why, but I told him > I'd pass it along) Dan: Go ahead. I've got no further use for the twisted little beast. Tsuneo: And thank you too, Hotwire. Rebecca: Say, what did you do with that thing? Dan: He's out the front of my place. He scares away burglars. And most visitors, too. Kinda explains why no-one visits me anymore. Rebecca: Now that's a straight line even I won't touch. Voice: Good morning, guys. Rebecca: Hey there, Jan in the Pan. Voice: That hurt, you know. Tsuneo: I'm guessing that since Rick's here- Dan: For a change. Rick: Hey! Tsuneo: And Tango isn't, we're going to be doing more of Delta, right? Voice: That's right. Tsuneo: Thrilling. After that last one, I don't know how much more Delta Invasion I can take. Rick: Don't worry. We've made sure that you'll survive it. Tsuneo: I don't like the sound of that. Rebecca: Besides which, this is the second last chapter of Delta. So once we get through it, there's only one more chapter that the Voice can inflict upon us. Voice: Gee, thanks. [They sit; Rebecca and Tsuneo on the forwards facing couch, Rick and Dan on the other one. Rick and Rebecca are the closest on the corners] Dan: I can't wait to see if it works. Rick: Shh! Tsuneo: Oh dear... [The TV switches on] > Genesis 0:25 : The First And Last/And Justice For All! Rick: I suppose this means that the dreaded Justice is finally going to turn up. > May 1st, 2018... > At Misato's apartment... Tsuneo: Let's just make this as generic an opening as possible. > As the sun rose, its rays blessed Tom Dyron's closed eyes. Dan: Poor Tom, he's going to be woken up before noon. > He began mumbling and > suddenly opened his eyes. He stood up slowly and stretched his arms. He got up > and walked not making any noise to the bath room. He took a long shower and came > out with a towel around hid waist. Rebecca: Thank you for the small things. > As he got inside the bed room, he grabbed his > "Skateboarders Kick Ass!" black T-shirt, a pair of clean boxxers, some socks and > a pair of Old Navys Khakis baggy pants. He got dressed, and put on his Jamie > Thomas Emerica shoes. Rick: [Tom] Look at me! Aren't I so cool? Dan: So the same brand names are just as popular eighteen years down the road, huh? Tsuneo: "Tom got up." > He slowly walked to the kitchen and started making his > usual breakfast. He took out eggs, strips of bacon, and other ingredients to > make pancakes. Dan: Okay, so I'm not the world's best cook, but do pancakes usually contain bacon? > He started cooking as Shinji walked in the kitchen all dressed but not well awake. Rebecca: Um, that's Rei's school uniform you're wearing. > "Hey Tom!" said Shinji. > "Hey Shinji." responded the 6th Children as he continued cooking. Rick: That's how sleepy he is, he's seeing multiple Toms. Rebecca: What's scary is how you see multiple Charles while you're sober. > He was soon > done and handed Shinji his plate who responded with a brief thanks. Dan: [Shinji] It's fried-up mess. Yum. Tsuneo: How about something to put on the plate? > Asuka and > Rei walked in at the same time but they weren't dressed up though. Rebecca: That was their story, and they're sticking to it. Dan: Rebecca... Actually, that is an easy one. > Tom and Shinji starred a little time Rick: [Tom] Hmm... Naked babes... Aghghgh... > and went back to their actual acitivities. Tsuneo: [Tom] Enough ogling, I've got food to eat! > Tom handed them their plates as they said "Hi and thank you." Dan: What is this, a kitchen or a fast food joint? > Misato came in last as usual but dressed this time. Dan: Damn! > Tom wondered what was going on and asked : Rebecca: [Tom] Why aren't you two wearing anything? > "You're dressed already? Did the pope die or somthin' like dat?" Tsuneo: That's not funny, and you know it. Rick: Yeah, he keeled over after that last chapter. Dan: Believe it or not, she actually has a job to do. > "Not exactly, I have an important meeting at the Nerv HQ. Commander Ikari has > something very important to state. Dan: Wouldn't "announce" be a better word? Rick: Not for *the* Tom. > I have no idea what the hell's it's about but I think I can guess. Rebecca: So then you've got a bit of an idea, don't you? Tsuneo: Ritsuko's probably just discovered another plot device. > Well I got no time to waste so see you all tonight!" Rebecca: Kaji permitting. > answered Misato as she walked out of the room. After the Children were done > eating, they got ready for school. Tsuneo: Gasp! Tom goes to school! It's a miracle! > They rushed on the motorcycles and got going. > They went in class Rick: That sounds kinda wrong. > in silence thinking about when the Invadors would finaly be > defeated once for all. As class went on, they had to learn about the Second > Impact again Tsuneo: Attention fanfic writers everywhere! We are sick of this joke! Dan: Actually, this is the first time it's ever appeared in Delta Invasion. Rick: It's not like there've been too many classroom scenes anyway. > as they were totaly bored because they knew the real story of the Impact. Tsuneo: You call that the real story? Rebecca: It's what Tommy boy decided, so it has to be true. > At lunch, Tom and John went to sit down for lunch alone for the first time Rick: Oh my god! John's in a scene! And it's not special! > because Shinji, Kensuke and Toji had been punished for not listening in > class the last day. Dan: Shinji mucking up in class? Rick: Drinking beer, riding a motorbike and swearing? > Tom took out a few sandwiches and started eating while John did the same thing. Rebecca: INTENSE LUNCH EATING ACTION! Tsuneo: I'm almost hoping something will happen in this chapter. Except I know it'll be awful when it does. > "I can't stand it anymore!!" suddenly said John. Dan: Neither can we, but there ya go. > "What?" asked Tom surprised. Rick: [John] What do I do? I don't say anything! I don't do anything! My two brothers called Charles get to do more than me! I've got a convoluted backstory and supposedly wonderful abilities! I'm special! > "Going against the Invadors, they are really scaring me. Always coming back with > new forms, Rick: I really should update the random Invador body part table. > stronger each time, it's just too intense for 16 year olds like us, Dan: You were sixteen when the series started. I think you're kind of older by now. > I mean, we're just normal kids, aren't we?" said John as he stood up with a tear > in his eye. > "No, we're not, we're different. Tsuneo: [Tom] You're special, and I'm god. > We never lived a normal life. Rick: Normal people don't go to West Point when they're fourteen. > We're not like the others. Rebecca: And I'm thankful for that at least twice daily. > And we're the only ones that can synchronize with an Eva, that's > what makes us different than the others. Tsuneo: I want to say something about a class full of first-level candidates, but I know no-one will listen to me. Dan: And what about Toji then? > I know it's a pain, but we must learn > to live with it!" said Tom as he looked down knowing how John felt. Dan: I never realised how awful it was to be an omnipotent internationally famous rock-star, kick-boxer, hacker, astronaut and planet destroyer. Rebecca: Woe is me, I can destroy the world with my nose hairs. How cruel my perfect life is! Rick: Hey, there could be a Marvel X-book in that. > "I know what you mean but, that's the thing. We never got the chance to live a > normal life and we still can't. Tsuneo: Something to do with half the world's population being wiped out, I'm guessing. > I wonder if one day we'll get to be like > others." responded John with some kind of desperate look. Dan: John, you will never be like anyone else. > "It's just the way it is, John, we have to get over it, that's all we can do > now!" answered Tom, "One day we might be like others, but for now, we just have > to get used to the fact that we must pilot the Evangelions and that's all there > is to it. Rick: That's touching. I may weep openly. > But John, there's something you gotta know that I'm gonna tell you right now..." Rebecca: [Tom] I love you. > "What is it?" asked John as Tom handed him his file. Dan: I'm guessing it's sheets of paper with print on them inside a manilla folder. Tsuneo: So you've had it for a while, but didn't give it to him or tell him about it? Rick: Why? It's not like it's anything important. > John looked at it and > looked more and more surprised. "So that asshole Chairmen Keele was actualy my > father, that motherfucker! He killed my mother!!!!!" screamed John in total > rage. Rebecca: That's right, everyone in the universe reacts to surprise by swearing profusely. Dan: [John] I'd go psychotic and hunt him down, but you guys already got him. > Same time at Nerv HQ... Rick: Nothing was happening. > Misato, Ritsuko, Pr. Fuyutsuki and Commander Ikari Tsuneo: And Keller and Truss and Theresa and EVA and the MiBs and the kid from Neon Leviticus and... > were sitting down at a table. Dan: The coffee table. Rick: [Gendo] You are in a thirty by thirty room. There is a single orc guarding a treasure chest for no good reason. > "All of you, thanks for coming. Rebecca: [Gendo] Even though I am your boss and I ordered you here. > I have very important news to state..." said Commander Ikari. Rick: Is he allowed to keep saying "state" like that? Rebecca: Only until he looks up a better word. > "What is it?" asked Misato. Dan: If this is about Bischoff and Russo, I'm leaving. > "Well, we know that all the Invadors have been defeated except the first borns. Tsuneo: [Gendo] We've been keeping count. Rick: What, they managed to identify every single one that was on the planet Delta back in chapter nine? Dan: [Gendo] It was a kind of small planet. > We looked more precisely at the Dead Sea Scrolls and found out that Rebecca: [Gendo] They were actually written by a guy called Bob from Wisconsin. Dan: [Gendo] There's a missing first page that reads "All characters and events portrayed within are fictional..." > all the forms of the Invadors had shown up except the three basic forms, Tsuneo: Which are limited edition collectibles. > and the ultimate one. The three basic ones are named : Dan: Larry, Moe and Curly. > Xyrael, Tyralan and Arcane. Rick: Bless you. > So we're waiting for the ultimate battle, now..." answered Ikari Gendo. Rebecca: [Gendo] Or we could go and find them. Tsuneo: Nah, let's not bother preparing or anything. > "We know that the ultimate form is as powerful as an angel, it's an angel > actualy, so we have to be careful..." said Ritsuko. Dan: Woo, scary. > "So we have to be real careful, that's what you're saying, right?" asked Misato. Rick: [Ritsuko] Yes, that's what I said Misato. Do you have to keep repeating everything I say? Rebecca: [Misato] Actually, I think I have to keep repeating everything you say. > "No, what we're saying as that the risks of us dying in this last battle are > really high. Dan: Thanks for the cheery forecast, Gendo. Rick: [Gendo] Actually, the risks of *you* people dying are quite high. I'll be safe. > Justice is the last angel, the 19th Angel or Angel of Death." ended Gendo. Rebecca: The big mean one. > A few hours later, back at the apartment... Rick: Meanwhile, back at Misato's pad. > Tom and Asuka were sitting on the couch alone. Tsuneo: School was obviously so interesting they decided to skip the rest of it. > "Asuka, you know we might die in one of the next battles, Rebecca: [Tom] So... could I get some sweet loving first? > do I just wanted to say that I'll always love you..." started Tom. > "I know Tom, I know..." responded Asuka, "I'll always love you too." Dan: [Asuka] Or until I meet someone else. > "I won't promise that even in death I will love you 'cause I don't know what the > hell might happen when you're dead, so just keep in mind that I loved you with > all that I was when I was alive. Rick: Wow, that's really, um... Huh? > That's just if the worst things happen 'cause we might survive, so what da hell?" Tsuneo: [Asuka] So what are you actually saying? Rebecca: [Tom] I have no idea whatsoever. > "You're the best, Tom!" said Asuka as she kissed him softly on the lips. Dan: [Asuka] Have I mentioned how awesomely cool you are yet? You're tremendously cool! > The next day, at Nerv HQ, the Children were inside their Evas for the synchro > test Rick: They're trying to get John's rate to steadily increase until he turns into LCL. > when suddenly... Rebecca: Stuff happened! > "INVADOR ALERT INVADOR ALERT INVADOR ALERT" Dan: WARNING! WARNING! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! ALIENS APPROACHING! > "Purple blood pattern!" yelled Shigeru accross the room. > "Send all Evas to fight, three of them have been detected. We can't take any > risks!!!" said Misato. Tsuneo: Wow, there's a first! Rebecca: Does this mean John might actually do something? [Pause] All: Naaah. > All Evas were sent on the battle field as all buildings went underground. Rick: [Misato] City down! City up! City down! Hey, this is kind of fun. > About > ten minutes later, the three Invadors impacted and made three five miles large > craters under the impact. Tsuneo: That's it for the city. Again. > The three of them stood up. The first one was all > green with a long scarred face with blue glowing eyes and a mouth filled with > teeth as sharp as sharks'. It had very long legs and long arms, three fingered > each. Dan: That's one butt ugly invador you've got there. Rick: Hey, it's Abe with vampies! Rebecca: Okay, but if he uses a fart attack, I'm out of here. > The 2nd one was black as night with the body of a human and its face was > all black except for its clear teeth Tsuneo: Clear teeth? Rick: He's pulling colours out at random now. > and its green eyes. It had four arms and two legs covered with spikes. Rebecca: He must be murder on a pair of pants. > You could see its Core right on its stomach. Dan: So it doesn't look just like a human after all, does it? > The > 3rd one had a reptile's scaled body but it was blue. It had a single brown eye > and a huge spike coming from its chest. It had a very long tail and spiky ears. Rick: So these are your three ultimate Invadors? Rebecca: Yep. Rick: They're kinda doofy looking. Tsuneo: What amazes me is how bland and generically Invadorish they are. > The 1st one jumped on Unit-01 Dan: And the ref hasn't even rung the bell yet! > and used its long arms to hit Eva-01 with both > fists knocking it down. It spit a ball of fire at Shinji's face. Rebecca: So why didn't you use that first? Rick: Well someone needs a breath mint. > Unit-01's head > was burnt as the pilot kicked the Invador away. The 2nd monster jumped from > behind Tom Tsuneo: Tom is amazingly alert today. Dan: [Tom] Big Invador? Huge impact? Five mile crater? Nope, I didn't see anything. > and used its four arms to grab him with two and punch him with the > two other ones. Rick: Is that the best you can do? Rebecca: Looks like it. > Tom punched it in the face and made it let go. Dan: These Invadors are pansies. > The 3rd one threw an acid blast at Eva-02's chest. Rebecca: Hooray! They're using their ranged attacks at range! Rick: What's the bets these guys have pre-programmed boss monster attack patterns? > The red chest armor was turning green as it > started melting. The 2nd Children screamed loudly as her chest was in great > pain. Tsuneo: And Asuka is of course incapacitated with the first blow. > Rei jumped on the 3rd Invador and tried to stab it with the progressive > knife but the AT Field stopped the attack as the monster pushed her away. Rebecca: Naturally. Heaven forbid that a woman is allowed to do anything. > John rushed behind the 2nd Invador and kicked it in the back of the neck. Dan: Say, do you guys actually have weapons? > The monster screamed as it fell to the ground loudly. Rick: And started thrashing around in hilariously over-the-top agony. Tsuneo: If either side actually fought intelligently, this fight would be over by now. > The 7th Children rushed on his enemy and started pounding its face. Rick: Foul! That's a free kick to the Invadors! > But the beast bit John's neck Rebecca: It's the hickey of doom! > and kicked him > away. Shinji grabbed the Invador that attacked him by the throat and tried to > crush its neck. But the beast looked straight through Shinji's eyes and > suddenly, Shinji let go like if he was possessed. Tsuneo: Oh no! It's got a gimmick attack! > The 3rd Children was paralysed Dan: Sort of like a frog in the headlights. > as he was getting pounded and bitten by the Invador. Tom started pounding the > Invador that had attacked him and used his own AT Field to destroy the enemy's. Tsuneo: Mutter grumble standard tactics grumble don't work like that grumble. > Tom ripped the enemy AT Field off and stabbed him in the chest. Rebecca: With what, his bare hands? Rick: You'd be amazed what Tom Dyron can do. > But the Invador > started punching Tom with its four fists and knocked the Eva-03 down. Asuka > ripped her melting chest armor off and grabbed a rifle. Dan: You have to wonder about the intelligence of that. > She locked on the back > of her target and started shooting. The bullets went right through the beast > that screamed as the shells passed through its body. Rick: Cut down by the rifle, the second most generic EVA weapon. How humiliating. Rebecca: You know what's even more humiliating? He got taken out by Asuka. Asuka, the useless damsel in distress. > It jumped on Asuka Rebecca: Oh wait, never mind. heaven forbid that she achieved anything. > and plunged its chest spike in her stomach trying to reach the Core. Tsuneo: You have to wonder about the utility of a chest-mounted spike. > But Rei came > from behind and stabbed the monster in the back. During that time, Dan: Never mind those two, they're not interesting. Let's see what the HEROS are doing. > Shinji's Eva was being smashed as Tom shot the 1st Invador in the back of the head Rick: He saw it in The Matrix, so it has to be good. > making it let go of Shinji's paralisys. Rebecca: How do you hold on to a paralysis anyway? > Unit-01 knocked the Invador down and started pounding its face. Rick: As you can see, Tom is a practitioner of the ancient English martial art of Boo-tin. > The beast's head was now bleeding all over as Shinji grabbed > a few grenades and sprayed them over the monster's body. Tsuneo: How can you spray grenades? You can throw, roll or launch them, but you can't spray them. > Eva-01 grabbed the > handgun and shot one of the grenades that made all the other ones explode Dan: Don't they have their own fuse? Rebecca: And isn't Shinji still underneath that Invador? Tsuneo: You're trying to make sense of a Delta fight scene? Rick: I gave up long ago. > as the monster's body felt the whole explosion. Rick: [Invador] That hurt. > The Invador was all melted Dan: Eew, looks like a grilled cheese sandwich. > as it was screaming in pain showing a Core on its chest. Rebecca: So... It's a Tellytubby? Tsuneo: Actually, that would explain an awful lot. > Shinji jumped and stabbed the > Core with the progressive knife. The beast screamed in pain as the red orb > cracked all over the dead body. Rick: Um... Um... Rebecca: Just don't try and visualise it. > 1st Invador out! Tsuneo: Sentence fragment random! > Tom was busy the 2nd Invador Dan: I expect to find a whole mess of dropped-out words at the end of this fic. > that started blasting yellow shots from its four hands. Rick: Don't move, or I'll shoot you full of... little yellow... beams of light. > Unit-03 was having > troubles dodging the shots as one of them caused Tom's right shoulder to melt. Rebecca: Oh, great. Asuka gets trashed and Tom just gets grazed. How blatantly fair and equitable. > The 6th Children screamed in pain as John came behind it and grabbed its neck. Rick: So now John's attacking Tom? Tsuneo: He realised that if Tom dies, the whole fic ends. > The Invador used two of its arms to rip John's right arm off making him let go > as he yelled. Dan: Whoops, of course. Not like John could do anything. Rebecca: He's so weak and helpless as to almost be a girl. [Fumes quietly] > Tom came back on offense and pounded the monster's Core but its > four arms were still defending it. Tsuneo: So did he pund it or not? Rick: Don't you just hate cheap players who spend all their time blocking? > Eva-03 jumped back and grabbed a progressive sword. Dan: [Tom] Why look! There's a handy weapon just lying there! Rebecca: It's almost as ridiculous as the weapons in Power Stone. Rick: Hey! Don't knock the anachronistic minigun of doom! (TM) > Tom rushed to the monster, jumped up and sliced for one of the monster's > arm. The Invador couldn't dodge as his right upper arm fell to the ground > loudly. Rick: There, I've taken your arm off! Rebecca: No you haven't, it's just a scratch. Rick: A scratch? Rebecca: A flesh wound! Dan: That one never gets old. > He then grabbed another arm and totaly crushed it as the Invador spit > out blood. Dan: What's he doing, killing this Invador one bit at a time? Tsuneo: What's the Invador doing, letting him? > Tom then grabbed the beast by the throat and lifted it with one hand. Rick: Chokeslam! Chokeslam! Tsuneo: Right, of course. Silly me. I thought these Invadors were meant to be powerful, or exceptional. Or even capable. > He held the sword with the other hand, and pierced the Core with the sword as > the blade was coming out from the back. Rebecca: How can you use my intestines as a gift? Rick: This whole scene is very Freudian. > The 6th Children took out the blade from > the dead body and watched it fall down lifeless. Dan: Okay, but if he starts licking blood from the sword, I'm freaking out. > Rei rushed back on attack on > the 3rd Invador and grabbed its horn. The 1st Children pulled as hard as she > could ripping the horn off the monster's chest Tsuneo: What do you know, it was just a latex prosthetic. Rick: [Invador] Aargh! My horrible secret revealed! > which was hiding the Core of the monster. Rebecca: Do these guys all suffer from blatantly obvious weak-spot syndrome? > The Invador raised its AT Field and blew Asuka and Rei away a few miles. Tsuneo: Bollocks, fic. Dan: [Asuka] I can fly! > It rushed back on Rei and chopped off her ombilical wire. Rick: Uh, is that from a few miles away? Tsuneo: I know consistency is too much to expect from Delta, but I could at least expect him to remember the previous line. > Rei was on full > power as the Invador continued pounding her. Asuka came from behind Dan: Wouldn't you know it, she's got the big black baseball bat. > and used a progressive lance to pierce its neck. Rick: [Invador] In retrospect, I should have seen that coming. > The Invador spit out a lot of blood on > Rei's Eva and couldn't yell because of the blade inside its throat. Then both > Rei and Asuka put a grenade on the beast's Core and watched it explode as the > Invador died. Dan: Dammit, those two can only get a kill when they work together. Rebecca: This is about the most blatantly sexist fanfic I've ever suffered. > Eva-00 reattached its ombilical wire just in case. The Evas all > got together in a circle. Tsuneo: And we have paragraph! > "Holy shit that was hard!!!" said Tom, All: No they weren't! Dan: Isn't it amazing how, after every singularly identical fight scene, they get together and comment on how it was different from the last one? > "They hurt as fuck, damnit!!!" Rebecca: There's probably a few words missing there, but it's funnier this way. > "Are you saying fucking hurts??" asked Asuka on a sarcastic tone. Dan: No, he just doesn't know what he's saying. Rebecca: I don't know, Asuka strikes me as the hard love type. > "Nevamind!" said Tom. Rebecca: Something you don't want them to know about, Tom? > "This battle was horrible!" said Shinji. Tsuneo: Horrible, no. Badly written, yes. > "But we beat them!" added Rei. > "It was a hell of battle, man!" said John. Dan: [John] I didn't do anything though. What a surprise. Tsuneo: Any reason why they're standing around out here, rather than retracting and repairing the EVAs? > "Those were Tyralan, Xyrael and Arcane..." said Ritsuko quietly. Rick: But we know them as Bob Skir, Marty Isenberg and the little diagnostic drone. Rebecca: Lay off the little drone buddy. > "We did it! We fried those assholes!!!" Asuka said. Dan: [Asuka] Just because we haven't told the audience we won enough times. > But on her screen, Ritsuko noticed something. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Amazing! They keep turning the page at the same time! > She saw all three bodies of Invadors go right next to each other. Tsuneo: So are the corpses dragging themselves over to each other? Or are they floating? Are they getting up and walking, even? Rick: Don't you know? Thery're just "going." > Suddenly, the cross of Angels appeared between all three bodies. Rebecca: Shoot it! Dan: Why? Rebecca: It seems to be the reaction to everything in this fic. > "What da fuck???" said Tom as he saw all three bodies mix in the light. Tsuneo: Can someone please explain what the hell is going on here? Rick: Stuff. > Suddenly, a huge green body about two heads taller than an Eva appeared when the > cross exploded making a huge crater that reached even under the Eva's feet. Dan: Can we have that again in English? > The four pilots felt the earth shaking as they saw the beast. Tsuneo: Four pilots? Rebecca: Of course. It's not like John's here or anything. > The monster had a huge > dark green close to black scaled body with the structure of a human. Dan: But if it's got scales, then it wouldn't be like a human! > It had red glowing eyes and had two horns exactly like a demon. Rick: That's really helpful and concise. > It had a gold ring in its nose Tsuneo: Okay, now it's just being silly. Rick: Now? Tsuneo: well, any pretense of plausibility has vanished. > and sharp teeth. It had a huge horn in the middle of the chest Dan: Oh, come on. That didn't work for the last guy, it's not going to work for you. > and two long > dark green wings came from its back. It had a long tail that spiked at the end. Rebecca: Spiked at the end? Does that mean it's got spikes on the end, or it trails off into a single spike, or it breaks into several spikes or what? Details, fic! > On its stomach, there was a visible red Core covered just like the 3rd Angel's. Rick: Hey look, it's got a big "shoot me" spot. > Its body was very muscular and it was about 1.5 times larger than an Eva. Tsuneo: Even though it's only two heads taller? Dan: Ssh! Tsuneo: Of course, sorry. Consistency bad, incoherence good. > "Blood type is blue!!!" yelled Makoto. > "What?? Not purple??" yelled Misato. Dan: [Hyuga] I can tell the difference, you know. > "Target identified as 19th Angel, this is Justice!!!!" yelled Gendo. > "What?" asked Misato. Rick: Well, you've killed all the angels, you've killed all the Invadors, you've killed the first three Invadors who were actually real pansies, so what does that leave? Rebecca: The Synkyn? > "Yes, this is definitely Justice, Tsuneo: Why, do you know him personally or something? > destroy the Angel of Death!" yelled Ritsuko. > Suddenly, the huge angel started laughing out loud and said : Tsuneo: Oh my god. It's not enough that it looks completely stupid, now it has to rant. Rick: [Justice] Hahaha, I am Justice, I will destroy you all! prepare to be deaded, har har har har har. > "Welcome to hell, Lilin!!! I am the Justice, Tsuneo: And once again, Delta's obsession with prepositions ruins a perfectly bad rant. > servant of Lilith, and I am here to destroy all of you!!!! Rebecca: And with an excess of exclamation marks, too. > I am the last messenger, the end of the world. The 17th > Angel was more powerful than I am, Rebecca: And better looking to boot. Rick: That's not the kind of thing you want to put on your resume. Tsuneo: Remember the good old days when atomic monster just used to snarl and flail around wildly before a fight? > but I will get the job done! Tabris was given the ultimate powers, Dan: And the key to the executive washroom. > but was stupid enough to get human emotions!!! Not me, I do > have emotions, I am hatred incarnatd!!! Dan: But isn't that an emotion? Rebecca: Depends, what does "incarnatd" mean? > I will destroy every single one of the > Evas, and destroy the Earth, I shall be known as Justice, Rick: Aren't you already? > the 19th Angel, the > Angel of Death, or your worst nightmare!!!" yelled the Angel. Dan: Well done, Rick. Rick: It's a knack. Rebecca: Now all we need is for it to die in a puddle of its own gore. > "Holy shit!!!" screamed Tom as Justice threw a blast from his right hand. The > energy ball hit the floor Rebecca: Careful, Tsuneo. Tsuneo: And we were doing so well. They had ground out here earlier on. > and made a huge red cross blasting Rei Unit-00 away. Dan: "Rei Unit-00?" Rick: Don't you know? she had a name change. > "Two levels of defense have been pierced!!!!" yelled Maya. Tsuneo: Big deal, Zeruel blasted eight at once. > Tom rushed to the > monster and tried to shoot it with the rifle. Justice's AT Field made the > bullets bounce back to Tom who got hit right in the chest. Rebecca: Damn. Got by a gimmick attack. > The 6th Children screamed in pain. Dan: [Fake] Aie. Rick: Alrighty! Tom's getting the smack laid down on him! > Justice went in the air and flew to Shinji. Rebecca: That's a neat trick. Can it jump backwards into trees as well? > Justice grabbed Eva-01 by the throat and started strangling it. Dan: Thus leaving it open to attack from everyone else. Tsuneo: Hey, guys! Now would be a perfect time! > Shinji tried to hit Justice but > the 19th Angel threw Unit-01 about a hundred yards away. All: TOGG! > Asuka jumped from > behind Justice but the monster put his tail around Asuka's waist and smashed her > on the floor. Rebecca: For once, it's actually capable of using it's pointless extra features. Rick: This guy's almost as capable as Sachiel. > Rei grabbed a rocket launcher and launched one at the back of the 19th Angel. Dan: [Rei] Eat high explosive death, enigmatic alien visitor. > The target was hit but the AT Field had made the rocket explode Tsuneo: Once again, the authour forgets what AT fields are actually used for. Rick: This guy no-sells like you wouldn't believe. Rebecca: Save for the goofy chest-spike, he'd make a neat boss monster. For anything except EVA, that is. > as Justice threw a blast at Rei's stomach. The laser of pure red power pierced > Rei's stomach making her yell loudly. Rei fell on the floor holding her stomach > in pain. Dan: Dammit Rei, you're the impassive and determined one. Surely you're not going to fall from a single shot? Rebecca: Actually, that's last night's cheap Mexican takeaway catching up with her. > John grabbed his progressive knife and ran to Justice Rick: Ooh. Ah. He's got a little pointy thing. Ooh, I'm scared. > and tried to pierce the AT Field but the 19th Angel, Tsuneo: Paused for a comma break. > punched John right in the face, kicked > him in the stomach and threw a lightning blast from his eyes at John's chest. Dan: He's usually content to whack each of them once, but he obviously doesn't like John-boy here. > The 7th Children fell down electrified on the floor. Rebecca: This guy's loaded down with special effect gimmick attacks. Rick: Yeah, but the actual posability is crap. > Tom and Shinji both ran up > to Justice and combined AT Fields to pierce Justice's. Tsuneo: So why didn't you do this to start with? Dan: They wanted to watch their buddies get wallpapered. Rebecca: I seem to recall in a previous chapter, Ritsuko saying something about Tom and Shinji working best when they syncronise their something or others to work better together than they do separately, or something like that. Which makes me wonder why they took this long to do it in this lame-assed fight. > The impact of the 19th > Angel's AT Field being pierced made an explosion creating another crater. Rick: I don't know who's winning, but the city's certainly losing. > Shinji > and Tom and punched him right in the face and knocked him down kicking him right > on the chest. Rebecca: Why don't you do something slightly more effective like blasting him or stabbing him or impaling him, with the millions of weapons you've got lying around? > Justice got back up flying and used one of his head's horns to > pierce Shinji's forehead. Dan: [Singing] Head-banging! Head-banging! > The 3rd Children fell on the floor screaming. Rick: Shinji, you wuss! Take it like a man! Rebecca: What would Akito Tenkawa do in this situation? Dan: I think he'd run away. Rebecca: Okay, bad allegory. > Tom > tried to stab Justice but the 19th Angel caught the 6th Children's hand. The > monster then used his tail to whip Tom's ribs. He then let go of the Eva-03. Dan: So everyone else gets horribly maimed, but Tom just gets slapped around a little? > Asuka got back behind Justice and stabbed him in the back. Rick: When in doubt, fight dirty. > Justice grabbed her by the neck Rebecca: [Justice] Hold on, girly. You can't all die at once. > and chokeslammed her. Tsuneo: So now the Invadors are pro wrestlers too, huh? Dan: It's Delta Invasion. everyone's a pro wrestler. > He then stepped on her chest three times Rick: When you've got them down, kick 'em! > piercing through the Eva's armor from front to back. Asuka didn't have time to > scream as she fell unconscious. Eva-02 went out. Justice then launched a blast > at the floor again making an even bigger red cross. Tsuneo: Don't you have more pressing concerns? You know, the EVAs? > "The blast destroyed five defense levels. Seven are down!!!" said Makoto. > "Evacuate the area right now!!!" Dan: So how come he only got two the first time. Rebecca: He got a lousy damage roll. > Justice was ready to jump in but Rei grabbed his foot while Tom tackled him down > and started pounding his face. Rick: Just to copy Steve Austin some more. Dan: Right, but if he does a Stunner, I'm leaving. > Justice kicked him away and used a blast to hit him on the chest. Rick: Is it wrong to cheer for the angel at this point? > The blast cut right through the armor and started melting it. Rebecca: That's right, new EVA armour is 100% indistinguishable from butter. > Tom fell to the ground holding his chest. Justice then grabbed Rei by the head > and threw her against the floor hard. Shinji's forehead was bleeding Tsuneo: For absolutely no discernable reason. > as he rushed back on the 19th Angel and drop kicked his back. Dan: No-sell that, you smug bastard. > Justice fell on his hands got back up, and kicked Shinji in the face. Rebecca: Well that worked. Tsuneo: And what, pray tell, was Shinji doing in the meantime? Just standing there, looking stupid? > He then prepared a blast in > front of Shinji's face but he got shot in the back five times. Dan: [Puck] You hurt him with that one. Do it again! > Justice turned around and saw Eva-04 with the rifle. Rick: [John] Hey look, guys! I'm doing something! > The 19th Angel put both his hands together and put them apart Rebecca: Form blazing sword! > making a huge red light appear between both his hands. All: Oooooohhhh! > He > threw the blast under John's legs as a huge cross came from under John and > started melting the whole Eva. John screamed in pain as the whole Eva was being > blown up. All: Ooohhh... Aaahhh... Rick: Oh, never mind. Looks like john's going to get his ass whipped after all. > "Eject the entry plug right now!!!!!!!" screamed Ritsuko as John's entry plug > was ejected. Dan: You're a bit late, Ritsuko. > Eva-04 was totaly blown up in a red light. Rebecca: [Valley girl] He was, like, blown up, like, totally, like. Rick: You know of course why EVA-04 was "totally blown up?" Tsuneo: Do tell. Rick: To stop John from contributing. Tsuneo: Figures. > "The pilot is alive, but we don't know for how long!!" said Makoto. Rick: [John] Well, I have no further part to play in this. I think I'll go organise my stamp collection. > "You muthafucka!!!" yelled Tom, "You blew up my band's pianist, Dan: [John] Gee, thanks for the concern. Tsuneo: I'm so glad Tom holds him in such high regard as a human being. > you're gonna pay!!!!" Rebecca: [Tom] I'm gonna kill you until you die of it! > finished Tom as he rushed to Justice and jumped on him in fury. Rick: Watch out for that spi- Ooh. Ow. Never mind. > Shinji rushed from the other side as they started pounding on Justice's face. Dan: Now that the crowd's on their side, Tom and Shinji are in house cleaning mode. Rick: So now Tom's trying to be Hulk Hogan? Rebecca: Ahem! Rick: Okay, Terry Bolea. > "DIE ASSHOLE!!!" screamed Tom as he stabbed Justice on the chest but the 19th > Angel used its chest horn to pierce Tom's stomach. Rick: I seem to recall saying something about that spike. > The 6th Children screamed but went back on offense. Tsuneo: [Tom, reading] Punch, punch, punch, scream, pause, punch. Dan: What's that? Tsuneo: The script. Or at least the most intellectual portion thereof. > Shinji was pounding from behind. > "Their sync ratio is at 370%!!!" yelled Maya. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Whoops. We lost them. Sorry. > "John has been taken back, he is alive, Dan: How do you tell with John? > but we must put him in the hospital > right now!!!" yelled Ritsuko. Rick: [Misato] Put him in the literary isolation ward! Dan: What, so... The story can't effect him? Rick: No, so he can't effect the story. > Tom and Shinji continued beating on Justice when a bright light came from > Justice's body and blew the two Evas away. Rick [Justice]: I'm winning so I... run away. Yeah. > Suddenly in the hospital... > Tom woke up and saw Shinji and John next to him. Tsuneo: [Shinji] And here I thought I was out in my EVA. Rebecca: [Tom] I hate this place. > Tom wondered what had happened Dan: Yeah, we are too. > when Asuka and Rei came in the room. Rebecca: [Rei] Try not to turn up for the operation like that. > Shinji woke up too looking as surprised as Tom. > "What happened?" they both asked. Rick: [Asuka] Stuff. Dan: [Rei] We're not entirely sure. We were hoping you could tell us. > "You both rushed on Justice and he used a blast to blow you two away..." explained > Asuka. Rebecca: Well that makes... Huh? > "And what happened to the 19th Angel??" asked Tom. Dan: It got its own daytime chat show. > "He disapeared after the blast. We know he's alive though. Tsuneo: [Rei] We have no evidence to suggest it, but we just... Know. > His next attack is just a matter of time..." said Rei. Rick: But since we've already had the ad break, it has to come within the next eleven minutes. Dan: If this was the EVA comic, that could be anything up to six issues. > "What about John??" asked Shinji. Tsuneo: What about John? Rebecca: [John] What about me? What about me, eh? What about John? Rick: He's special. Next? > "John is gonna stay in the hospital a few months. He's in a coma right now, the > blast that blew up Eva-04 left him huge damage. Dan: So much for being special. Rick: John... You suck. > The Evas will be repaired in > about three days, but it will take months to rebuild Eva-04..." said Asuka. Rebecca: I thought it "totally blew up." Tsuneo: It's getting better. Rick: Damn! Floating island within the same chapter. > "Shit, god damnit, fuck!!!" yelled Tom. Rick: [Tom] Sorry, I haven't reached my quota of swear words for this chapter. Tsuneo: Ladies and gentlemen, our hero. > "Poor John..." said Shinji. Dan: [Tom] Who? Rick: [Shinji] Um... I don't know. > "Damnit, why did this have to happen???" yelled Tom. Rebecca: You should know, you're writing this. > "We knew something like that would happen..." said Asuka. Dan: I mean, he's not Tom, he's not Tom's mini-me, he's niether of their squeezes, so he has to get wiped out. It's for his own good. > "Yeah, but it had to happen to John, the new one. Rick: How many Johns have you been through? > It couldn't happen to me, could it??" asked Tom. All: We wish. > "No, Tom, it was right that you stood up to Justice..." said Rei. Dan: [Rei] It's your job and all, and we were doing the same, but I'm going to congratulate you for it anyway. Rebecca: Heaven forbid that any of the rest of them do anything brave. > "Damnit, I can't stand it!!!" finished Tom as they all left except him. Rick: But aren't he and Shinji injured? You know, horribly maimed? Oh, forget it. Dan: Well he said a hospital, but what he forgot to mention was they'd just passed out in the waiting room. > He went up to John's bed and sat down. Rick: [Tom] Hey John, who brought you these chocolates? You don't mind if I have some? No? Thanks man. Munch, munch. Rebecca: That's the sort of person we think Tom is. > "Look John, I will avenge you. Justice will pay, I swear to god. Tsuneo: Or his nearest approximation in this screwed up story. > I'm sorry this had to happen to you. Dan: [Tom] But you were, you know, doing stuff. It's not allowed. > I knew something like that would happen, Rebecca: No you didn't! Rick: What, did you suddenly wake up and think "John's going to die today." > but I never thought it would be you though, Rick: [Tom] Because you're special. > I know it ain't my fault Dan: That's right, pass the blame along. > but I can't help feelin' a little guilty about it. Tsuneo: Well you did write him into this situation. > Well, gotta jet, so see ya soon, I hope..." said Tom as he walked out of the room. Rebecca: He was never seen again. > He walked in the computer room and sat next to Misato. Dan: So... Misato's in a computer room... In the hospital? > "I can't believe what happened!!!! I'm fuckin' pissed at this, Justice will > fucking die, and that's a promise!!!" yelled Tom. Rebecca: [Tom] Sorry Misato, but I've got to find someone new to swear at. > "I know how you feel, Tom, Rick: [Misato] Every now and then, I feel like shouting random curses at passers-by too. > but you gotta get over it." said Misato. > "I know, but god damn, Justice pissed the hell outta me!!!" Tsuneo: Well you were the one who went out binge-drinking with him. > "Tom, John ain't dead!! Dan: [Tom] That's what's wrong, he should try harder! > He is alive, we can still save him!" said Misato. Rebecca: [Misato] Where do you want him saved? > "Yeah, well the cross explosions killed how many people???" asked Tom. > "About a hundred..." admitted Misato. > "Damn, fuck, shit, Rick: [Tom] Have I mentioned that I'm a badass? I just thought you'd like to know. > I'm gonna beat the living shit outta Justice!!! He's gonna > understand the true meaning of the word pain!!!" yelled Tom. Dan: That's simple. Pain hurts, everyone knows that. > The same day at Misato's apartment... Tsuneo: Meanwhile in the very next scene. > "This is it, I swear to god that Justice is gonna die, it ain't no threat, it's > a fuckin' promise!" yelled Tom. Tsuneo: Are you going to spend the rest of this chapter just reiterating that one line? Rick: Tom's record has been stuck since he got out of hospital. > "I'm gonna get him too!" yelled Shinji. Rebecca: [Shinji] And his little dog too! > "We all are, we're gonna avenge all dead people and John!! It's our job anyways > so we gotta do it!" said Tom. Dan: So why are you carrying on about it? Rick: Tom's on a sugar buzz. > "Justice is very powerful though, I was so scared when I first saw him..." said > Asuka. Rick: [Asuka] How do you feel about Justice, Tom? > "I will still Rick: [Asuka] It doesn't matter how you feel about Justice! > beat his ass!!" yelled Tom. > "The 19th Angel... I hope we get him." said Rei. > "We will!!!" screamed Tom. Tsuneo: For people who weren't listening, Tom is going to beat up Justice. > The next day, the Children woke up early and went to school. Rebecca: GASP! They're actually going to school! > There, Tom sat in > his corner alone all day thinking about killing Justice at all time. Dan: It's the way he's ramming action figures together while mumbling to himself that cues you in. Tsuneo: Mister one-track mind here. > After > school, he went back to Misato's apartment to drop off Asuka that was on his > motorcycle and went back right away downtown. Rick: Don't worry about you friends or anything. It's not like they're important. > He went straight to the bar and asked for a beer. Tsuneo: And being under eighteen, got promptly thrown out. > He drank it straight as he asked for another one. Dan: He's going to feel so stupid if the alert comes now. Tsuneo: Can't he just hang around Misato's apartment and get drunk like he usually does? Rebecca: Ah, but this paints him as a cool and angsty loner. Tsuneo: No it doesn't. > This night, > Tom got drunk and stayed at the bar to sleep because he wasn't able to drive > that night. Rick: Meanwhile, Justice returned and wiped out all of human civilization, but never mind. Dan: Say, is that Morn down the end there? > The next day, Tom came back at the apartment and sat on the couch. Dan: For some people, life is exciting enough. > He watched TV and put on wrestling. It didn't even entertain him anymore. Rebecca: So he's watching the New Nitro. > A few > minutes later, Rei came to sit next to Tom on the couch and decided to talk to > him. Tsuneo: Rei finally gets a scene... And it's about Tom. Typical. > Tom barely noticed that Rei had just sat down and he took a sip out of his > can of beer. > "Tom, we need to talk..." said Rei. > "About what?" asked Tom Tsuneo: [Rei] About the relationship between man and god. About the relationship between mother and child. About the essentially loneliness and fragility of human existence. About the need for others to fill the voids within us. Rick: [Tom] Not now, I'm watching wrestling. > as he drank a little more of his beer and layed back a > little more seing the champion beat up another guy. Dan: Did he use a ubiquitous foreign object? Or was it a screw job ending? > "Tom, those last days, Tsuneo: Which last days? Rick: Oh, any old last days. > you have been totaly depressed. Tsuneo: [Rei] Not that I actually care, but it's kind of fun to watch. > I know that the John thing totaly pissed you off, Dan: [Tom] Yeah! How dare he get attention! > but you need to calm down. Rick: [Rei] You need to be more like me. > It ain't all over. Rebecca: Until the fat lady sings. Dan: Fat lady? In EVA? > I really think you're a little bit overreacting, it wasn't your fault!!!!" Rick: [Rei] That's Shinji's job. Tsuneo: That's overreacting from the person who's using four exclamation marks. > "I know, but I can't help feelin' guilty, it's just something inside of me I > can't explain..." said Tom as he put his head down. Rebecca: Indigestion? > He took a deep breath and turned off the TV to look into Rei's deep red eyes. Dan: [Tom] Say doll, are you free tonight? Rebecca: [Rei] I am not a doll. Dan: [Tom] Okaaay. > "Tom, I know I usualy don't act like this, Tsuneo: No comment. > but I'm very worried about you... Rick: [Rei] You never call, you never write... > I know that John being injured has hurt you bad, but you should get a hold of > yourself. Usualy you're always positive and cheerful. Dan: [Rei] Or at least borderline psychotic. > I've never seen you like that!!" Rebecca: Say, any reason why this isn't Asuka coming to console him? Rick: Asuka's taking out her frustrations on Shinji. > "You know what? You're fuckin' right!!!" yelled Tom as he stood up. "Fuck it, > I'm gonna get a good hold o' myself and wait for Justice to come get his > muthafuckin' ass whipped!!!!" Dan: I thought we'd just gotten off that whole "beat up Justice" line. > The conversation ended on this. Tsuneo: Heaven forbid we end a scene properly. Dan: So what did they do, spend the rest of the day staring at the wall? Rebecca: [Rei] Works for me. > Back at Nerv HQ... Rick: Meanwhile, back at the ranch. > Misato was sitting down with Ritsuko... Tsuneo: Say, is this going to be another scene of pointless repetition and restatement of obvious facts? Rebecca: Off hand, I'd say yes. Tsuneo: Oh, goody. At least Delta's living up to my expectations. > "God, what are we gonna do??" asked Misato. Rick: [Eccles] You play the saxophone? > "Wait for the Evas to be rebuilt in three days..." answered Ritsuko. Dan: [Misato] I mean besides that! > "And about Justice?" Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Oh, we'll just send the EVAs out to get beat up again. > "We'll just have to wait and see what happens." > "I hope he doesn't come back before the Evas are fixed..." said Misato. Dan: [Misato] That would really bite. > "I know, but Unit-01 is going to be fixed tomorrow." Rick: Already? Tsuneo: Well, it is the real star of this show. > "It's not enough!!!" Rebecca: Oh come on, just press the berserk button and everything will be fine. > "Who knows?" Rick: The Doctor. Dan: Who? Rick: Exactly. > "What about Unit-03?" asked Misato. Tsuneo: Oh, don't mind asking about Rei or Asuka. Rebecca: Their EVAs aren't special. > "In two days..." > "And the two others?" > "In three days!" Dan: Can someone tell me why that's so exciting? > "Damn, and Justice might just attack today!" said Misato. Rick: It might not, did you think of that? > "Let's hope not..." > "We can only rely on luck right now!" Dan: Or you could just try whacking it with N2 bombs. > "You're right... but we got our chances. Justice isn't invincible. We can beat him > you know! It is possible!" Rebecca: What actually indicates that to you? It's not like they actually damaged it. Tsuneo: Ritsuko got the clue book. Rick: It says here we need to use the Blade of Souls that we got from Invador Man. > "I know, but you saw how strong he was!!" Rebecca: He's huge! Dan: You cannot harm the Prince of Space! > "Kaoru was more powerful..." Rick: In what way, precisely? Dan: Misato checked her scouter. Tsuneo: And he was competently written. > "You're right, but we can only hope, now! Dan: Or hit it with N2 bombs. > But there's one thing, Kaoru coulda > destroyed the world but he had emotions. We won't get that luck against > Justice!" Dan: No, you've just got to wait until he does another lengthy, stupid and pointless rant... Then hit him with N2 bombs! Rebecca: What's this with you and N2 bombs, Dan? Dan: Well... You never know. Can't hurt to try. > "You got a point there..." said Ritsuko quietly as she looked down. Rick: [Ritsuko] Whaddya know, the secret to destroying Justice and saving the world was on the underside of my shoe! Rebecca: If that doesn't work, just call on the Oracle and the magic mcguffin goop to reformat the planet. Tsuneo: *Still* bitter? Rebecca: Yes, dammit! > "Does that mean our chances are very low??" > "Our chances of winning are of 12%..." > "That's all???" Tsuneo: Actually, that's a completely random number generated with no factual basis. Rebecca: Did you ask SHODAN? Tsuneo: It's response was "Bite Me." > "Against Kaoru, they were estimated at 9% if that can make you feel better!" Dan: That's wonderfully reassuring. > "12%, as bad as against the 14th Angel??" > "Just as bad, Justice is as destructive as Zeruel..." Rick: But a lot funnier. > "Holy shit..." > And they remained silent on that last sentence. Tsuneo: And once again, a totally pointless scene ends on a cop-out! > The next day... > "The last fixes on Unit-01 have been made!" said Makoto. Dan: Fixes? Rebecca: If I don't get my regular Unit 01 fix, I get all crabby. > "Eva-01 operational!" added Maya. Dan: Say, where are Gendo and Fuyutski in all this? Rick: I'm guessing Spain. > "Concentrate all fixes on Eva-03 now!" ordered Ritsuko. Rick: If they don't fix that problem with saved games in the next patch, there'll be hell to pay! Tsuneo: Okay, what's this thing with fixes? Rebecca: I think its our magic word for today. > "Hai!" > June 2nd, 2018... Rick: Nothing interesting happened. > All Children were at Nerv as well as everyone else. > "I will kick Justice's ass!"said Tom as he rose his beer. [They all fall off the couches] Dan: Geez, can't we get off that line? Rebecca: Not until he goes ahead and kills the stupid thing. [They return to their seats] Tsuneo: My head hurts. Rick: Bad landing, huh? Tsuneo: No, just the fic. > "Hell yeah!!!" yelled everyone as they hit each other's glasses dancing and > screaming except for Commander Ikari and Pr. Fuyustuki. Tsuneo: Any reason why they're suddenly having a party? > Suddenly, Maya said : > "Sir, Eva-14 has been fully repaired as well Dan: What, they fixed Matt's annihilated EVA? Rick: I think that's a typo. It's probably meant to say EVA-04. Dan: Okay, but wasn't that destroyed too? Rick: Um... > as Unit-01, but Eva-03 requires one more day. Rebecca: Obviously taking a bit of a beating is harder to fix than being utterly annihilated. Rick: Yeah, all you have to do is wave the floating island at it. Tsuneo: And besides, they used "fixes." Rebecca: Oh, that explains everything. > Eva-00 and 02 require a two or three more days!" Rick: It's the parts. It's so hard to get the parts. Dan: How so? Rick: You can't get the wood, you know. > "Good, center all repairs on Unit-03!" said Ikari Gendo. Tsuneo: I get it, they're having a "fixed the vapourised EVA" party. > "Hai!" answered Makoto. Suddenly, the alarm rang. All: Goofy alert! Goofy alert! > "What da??" said Misato. > "Matt Yazama has escaped from room 301, we can't locate him!" yelled Ritsuko. Rick: Say Gendo, you didn't happen to explain all your plans to him, then leave him alone guarded by only a single incompetent guard, did you? Dan: [Gendo] Oops. > "Find him as fast as you can!!!" said Misato. > Same time... Rebecca: Same bat channel. > Eva-14's cage... Rick: There! See, they did fix EVa-14. Tsuneo: This is beyond stupid. Okay, barring the fact that the entire EVA was destroyed when its core detonated - which should have taken out Tom since he was at point blank range - they have absolutely no reason to rebuild it, then leave it standing around where anyone can wander up and steal it. Rick: Actually, they do have a good reason. Tsuneo: Let's hear it. Rick: To precipitate another goofy fight scene. Tsuneo: That is so true that I want to scream. > Matt Yazama had put on his yellow entry plug and looked at Unit-14. Dan: Why'd he get such a stupid coloured plugsuit? Rebecca: So you can't see the yellow streak down his back or the big yellow stain in his- Tsuneo: Yes, but why did they have a plugsuit ready for him anyway? > Suddenly, he created an AT Field. Dan: Whoah! Didn't see that coming! > "He is in the Eva-14's cage!!!" yelled Maya. > "He has an AT Field, but the blood pattern is red!!" said Makoto. > "Humans can raise an AT, but why did he??' said Ritsuko. Tsuneo: Er, no they can't. Rebecca: Even though Rei did in episode 24? Tsuneo: Matt is not like Rei. Rebecca: Yes he is. Rei's just a normal girl, remember? Tsuneo: Yeah, I was trying to forget that one. > "O.K. send guards to get him there!" ordered Misato. Rebecca: Didn't we say something about an AT field? Oh, forget it. > Matt flew up to the Eva's Core Dan: Obviously Matt here is special as well. > and said clearly so that everyone could hear him. Rick [Matt]: So what, should I just gloat now? Gloat, gloat, gloat, gloat. There, I'm done gloating now. > "I am the last SEELE officer, Dan: [Matt] Thus I'm eminently collectable! Cool, huh? > and their goal was to initiate the 3rd Impact, and > so was Commander Ikari's before he betrayed us. Rebecca: Bad Gendo! Bad, bad Gendo! > Lilith and Adam are dead, but I > know how to initiate the last Impact, watch as your doom comes!!!" said Matt as > he laughed. Tsuneo: [Starts laughing] Okay... So maybe he does know the secret to third impact, but without Adam or Lilith... Or just that he's a human anyway... He can't actually do a sodding thing! It's so stupid it's funny! I just can't take this any more. [He continues laughing] Dan: Do you reckon it's time to use it? Rebecca: It's what we got it for. [The kitchen door swings open as a small, cylindrical robot on two treads with two small arms enters. In it's right hand, it is carrying a kendo stick. It rolls over to Tsuneo and starts bapping him over the head with the stick.] Robot: Cast aside your worldly thoughts. Worldly thoughts bad. Worldly thoughts bad. Worldly thoughts bad. [Tsuneo stops dead] Tsuneo: Wh... What the hell? OW! Rebecca: Well, after you nearly lost it during Delta Theology, we thought you needed an electronic monk. It'll help you calm down. Rick: And besides, Nergal were having a clearance sale. Tsuneo: Yeah, okay. OW! I'm... OW! I'm calm now! [The robot retreats and wheels its way back into the kitchen] > He suddenly flew closer to the Eva's Core as his body turned to pure > light as he was absorbed inside the Eva's Core. Dan: The armour sort of got in the way. Rick: [Matt] Hang on... Clunk! Ow. Almost there. Clunk! Ow. One more time! Clunk! > Suddenly, the Eva broke free of its cage breaking everything around. Rick: EVA smash! > The armor around Unit-14 suddenly exploded Dan: It's the goofiest move in all of Marvel vs. Capcom! Rebecca: You know, covering that thing entirely in reactive armour was a bad move. > as we could see Tsuneo: So it's suddenly changed to first person narration? > that Eva-14 looked a lot like Unit-01 without an armor. But it > suddenly changed to the form of Matt Yazama Rick: Please let him have clothes or armour or something... please. Rebecca: Toothpicks. > as its eyes glew to a very bright yellow. Dan: Alright, forget "fixes," our new word for today is "glew!" > "What the fuck? The 20th Angel??" asked Misato. Rebecca: You're making this up, Misato. Rick: [Misato] So's he! > "No, blood pattern is a mix of orange and red, it's the fusion of an Eva and a > human, but how??" asked Ritsuko. Tsuneo: What's the bets it'll never be explained? > Suddenly, the giant Matt watched as guards came in. He put his hand in front of > them Dan: [Matt] Talk to the hand. > as he made their bodies fly up. Suddenly, a light came out of their chests > as their bodies were now lifeless. The light came into the Eva's body as it said: > "I will create the tree of life using Evas' souls, Tsuneo: Sorry, but you're a few short. Rick: Could you please explain what that means? On second thoughts, don't. Tsuneo: It means he's an idiot. > but I will take all souls of humans creating one being!!!!" Rebecca: Well, he's either got a spark extractor or he's become a Soul Taker. Your choice. > finished Matt as he jumped through a wall to get to Eva-02's cage. Tsuneo: Now this is going to sound like a stupid question, by why didn't he ever do this earlier? You know, before Seele was destroyed? Rick: He took a correspondence course while he was in jail. > "Send Eva-01 in pursuite!!" yelled Gendo. > "I'll go with Shinji inside the entry plug!!!" said Tom. Rebecca: Are you trying to get fresh or something? > "Agreed!" said Shinji as they both rushed inside Eva-01's entry plug. Tsuneo: You know, that's about as counterproductive as it comes. Rebecca: Shush! It means that Tom gets this kill as well. > They both > got out of the cage and rushed to Eva-02's cage. Matt was already there as > Eva-02 flew into the air. Matt put his hand in front of the Eva's soul and said: > "Your soul is mine!!!" Rick: [Asuka] What? you dare to take the soul of the Great Asuka's EVA? WA-TAK! Tsuneo: Given that it doesn't actually have a soul, that's kinda silly. > A red light came out from Eva-02's body as it mixed with Eva-14's AT. He then > walked through another wall Dan: CRASH! No! Open the door first! > and arrived in Eva-00's cage. Eva-01 ran to Matt and > tackled him down. They started pounding on the monster's face as Matt used his > AT to push them away. Eva-01 grabbed its progressive knife and stabbed Yazama's > side. Rick: Hey Matt, I bet you're really glad you shed all your EVA's armour. > Matt yelled as he started flying up cracking levels of defense up to the > city. Rick: [Tom] Oh I get it. Running away? Come back here, you yellow bastard! Rebecca: I remember saying something about a yellow streak down his back. > Tom and Shinji ran to a catapult. > "Launch!!!" yelled Misato as Eva-01 was propulsed to Tokyo-3. Tsuneo: Hmm, propulsed, propulsed... No, I don't think that's a real word. > The buildings went undergroud as Matt came out. Rebecca: And asked Tom to the prom. > "I will take all Evas' souls once I take yours!!" yelled Matt as he let go of > Eva-02's red light throwing it back to its owner. Tsuneo: Rrright. I thought it had already mixed with his AT field. Dan: It had, but he let it go. > Matt took out the progressive knife that he had kept from Eva-14's structure All: Rrright. Sure he had. > and jumped blade down at Eva-01. Tom dodged as Matt swang towards him. Rebecca: [Snigger] You said swang. > The blade pierced the Eva's chest as Eva-01 fell to the ground. Dan: I bet those all techs who put hard hours into fixing Unit 01 are feeling pretty awful about now. > Matt raised his hand as twenty human bodies rose up. Rick: Yeah, they were just wandering around the street. Rebecca: Hey look, it's Ensign Throwaway's family reunion. > All of their souls had now entered Matt's body. Dan: [Matt] They're mine, you hear me? Mine! All mine! > Suddenly, Matt concentrated all > the souls in one place as suddenly, a tree totaly made out of AT Fields started > being built up. Tsuneo: Oh right, so a few security guards and twenty bystanders constitutes the entirety of humanity. > "I just need the Evas' souls to create the tree of life completely. Then, the > big explosion will happen, and then I'll take everyone's souls!!!!" laughed > Matt. Rebecca: So why aren't you doing it? Rick: He's got to gloat first. Union rules. > Shinji and Tom got up and jumped on Matt knife first. They stabbed him right in > the stomach as Matt screamed as loud as he could. Dan: It took him a while to try, but he was pretty sure he couldn't scream any louder. > He grabbed Evangelion Unit 01 > by the throat and picked it up. He started pounding its stomach at a huge speed. Dan: What kind of speed? Rick: *Huge* speed. > But Tom and Shinji reacted and kicked Matt right in the face Rebecca: There goes a few teeth. > and knocked him > down. Matt suddenly pushed them away and concentrated his AT Field into one ball > of energy. Tsuneo: It's time for another generic delta energy blast. Rick: Kame... > Matt launched the blast right at Eva-01's stomach piercing it and > blasting it away. Rebecca: I hope you guys didn't need that down the line. > Unit-01 was knocked down as Matt mixed with Eva-14 started > taking more human souls. Tsuneo: Any reason why he's not finishing them while they're down? Rick: He's got to fulfil his quota of consuming 1D4 people per turn. > The tree of AT was growing and growing and growing as > it turned to a bright red color. Dan: Okay, so what colour was it before? Rebecca: Well, not red. > Eva-01 got up slowly as it sneaked behind Matt. Rick: Matt here couldn't notice a city if he was standing in it. > "Feel our new technique, asshole!!!" yelled Tom and Shinji as they suddenly put > their AT Field around Matt. Tsuneo: Did this newfound ability actually come from anywhere, or is he just foundlessly making stuff up again? > "Admire the reverse AT, motherfucker!!!" screamed the 6th Children. Tsuneo: All of a sudden, it's being subtitled in Hong Kong. Dan: Youngster, your brain is useless, I guess. Rick: You're stain! Rebecca: Damn, I'll burn you into BBQ chicken! > Matt started expending his AT to counter Tom's and Shinji's. But Eva-01 powered > up more Dan: Its hair started glowing yellow. Rick: Good thing they've got more mana points. > as the AT Field started to shrink, now crushing Matt's body. Rick: [Chirpy] And you know that's just gotta hurt! > "Impossible, how can you beat me??? Rebecca: Shouldn't he say that he's indestructible about now? > NOOOO!!!!!!" screamed Matt in pain. Tsuneo: I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. Dan: Man! Why beat? Take it easy. Rebecca: How can you use my intestines as a gift? Rick: Wait for death in eighteen years! > "SEELE failed motherfucker, no 3rd Impact, and since you're SEELE too, yo' > gone!!" said Tom as the AT Field did a fatal shrinking Dan: A fatal Shrinking? Wasn't that a Doctor Who episode? Rebecca: Yeah, the Curse of Fatal Shrinking. Tom Baker and Sarah Jane Smith, I believe. > as it disapeared leaving absolutely none of Matt's or Eva-14's cells. Tsuneo: Don't worry, they'll build another one. > Tom and Shinji got back at Nerv HQ. > All souls got out of the huge tree and could go free to the skies. The tree of > life disapeared slowly as everything was going back to normal. Dan: A lot of people were needlessly killed for that scene, but no-one seems to care about them. > Eva-01 was put under repairs again. Rick: Every time you guys use these things, you end up breaking them. > "The danger is now gone, but Evas were more dangerous than I thought they > were!!" said Tom. Dan: Only Matt's incredibly contrived one. > The day ended like that as Matt was defeated, but Justice was still left... Rick: Right. Rebecca: No, it was left. Rick: Yeah, it's left. Rebecca: But you said right. Rick: Right. Rebecca: Not left? Rick: Right. [Pause] Rebecca: Huh? > The next day... > "Unit-03 totaly fixed! Fixes concentrated on Eva-00!" said Maya. Tsuneo: Witness the amazing power of fixes! Fixes bring vapourised EVAs back to life! Get equipped with fixes! > "Eva-03 ready to fight. 100% sure to be operational!" said Makoto. Dan: "100% sure to be operational?" Rebecca: "It's super effective!" Rick: "Fight for everlasting peace!" Tsuneo: "Check out our MAD SKILLZ!" > "Good, let's hope Justice doesn't attack now..." said Misato. Tsuneo: Nah, it'll wait until a simple and uncomplicated time to attack. > "Ma'am, the repairs on Eva-01 are almost done!" said Maya. > "Good!" said Ritsuko. Dan: Does everyone have to shout in this fic? Rick: Yeah, this is the all exclamation chapter. Rebecca: I'd think it was the all goofiness chapter, but with Delta, that's kind of redundant. > They were looking at the repaired Evas as the chest plate of Eva-01 was being > put back after having been blown up by Matt. > "Evangelion Unit 01 repaired!" Dan: Well that was a totally pointless waste of space. > The next day... > "Eva-00 fixed. Fixes being made on Eva-02. A few hours required!" said Makoto. Tsuneo: I still maintain this fic has been Hong Kong subtitled. > "Unit-00 operational. Eva-02's chest armor has been badly melted and is not > ready and neither is its right arm." added Maya. > "O.K. we only need about two hours, Rick: What, just two hours to replace the chest armour and arm? Tsuneo: Yep, that's the power of fixes. > get back to work and fast!!!!" yelled Ritsuko. Rebecca: [Technician] Jarvol mein commandant! > Ritsuko looked in Eva-02's cage and told herself : "We can't waste any time!! If > Justice comes now, I don't think we'll make it!" Dan: And gee, you wouldn't want to send a badly damaged EVA into combat against a powerful angel, would you? Rick: Isn't it great to know that Ritsuko cares? > "What about Unit-04?" asked Misato. Rebecca: It's random particles by now, if I recall. > "It will take months to repair it, so we can't worry about it! And our pilot is > in a deep coma, we can't use Evangelion 04." said Ritsuko. Dan: Not even as a backup unit? You know, they aren't limited to using only one EVA each. Tsuneo: Plus it only took a month to fix a similarly vapourised EVA-14. So why longer this time? Rick: That's because EVA-04 isn't special. > About two hours later... > "Last fixes have been made on Eva-02!" said Maya. Dan: Amazing, they repaired it on schedule. That's got to be a first. > "It is now ready to go back to action!" added Makoto. Rick: "EVA-02 is fighting fit!" > "Great, we are all ready now!!" said Ritsuko as Tom walked in. Dan: Aw gee, I thought we put him out. > "I have a request to make!" he said. > "What is it?" asked Misato. Rebecca: [Tom] I want me some sweet loving. Rick: [Misato] I'm sorry Tom, but your flightstick just doesn't measure up to the thrustmaster. > "Me and Shinji wanna have the "Blade of Souls" and the "Lance of Longinus" > during the fight. We want them to be put with the conventional weapons!" > requested Tom. Tsuneo: Oh, now you use them! Why didn't Gendo ever think of that? Hell, why didn't anyone else think of that either? Hmmm, you know, now that we're up against the final angel, having the super weapons on our side might help. Of course, it takes the uberkid to think to finally use the plot device that was so pointlessly incorporated so many chapters ago and never used since! It's so- [THOCK!] Electronic monk: Worldly thoughts bad! Worldly thoughts bad! Worldly thoughts bad! Tsuneo: Okay, okay, ow! sorry! Call it off! OW! [The monk, having appeared out of nowhere, trundles back into the kitchen] > "Request approved!" said Ritsuko and Misato as Tom went out smiling. Rebecca: [Tom] I get to use the huge phallic weapon of doom! Rick: TM. > The Children got back at their synchro test when suddenly... Dan: So he just came from a synchro test to say that? Rebecca: The fact that he was in his plugsuit and dripping wet gave it away. > "ALERT ALERT Rick: Alert alert? What is that for? Rebecca: It alerts you that there's an alert. Rick: Oh. > ALERT ALERT!!!" > "What da?" said Misato as Justice appeared in the middle of the city. Dan: Whoah, how'd he get there? Rick: He took the bus. > He blasted in and destroyed five levels of defense in one blow. Rebecca: And that's almost as powerful as ten thousand bottles of prune juice. Rick: Wow, that is powerful. > It wiped out about five buildings as the city went underground. Tsuneo: Hey, are you going to actually accomplish anything, or just stand there and blast scenery all day? Rick: [Justice] Hey look, there's another random inoffensive bit of road for me to blow away! BLAM! Dan: He's going to destroy all humanity, but he'll do it slowly. > All Evas were launched as Tom looked in Justice's blood red eyes. Dan: [Justice] Too much TV... > "How the hell did he get here so fast?!?!?!" asked Misato. > "The MAGI can't answer that yet! We have no logical explanation!" said Hyuga. Tsuneo: [Hyuga] Apart from the big flashing sign saying "plot contrivance," but we've learnt to ignore that. > "You're gonna pay you little asswipe, you're gonna pay!!!" yelled Tom. Rick: Damn you, stinkman! > "We're coming to get your ass down, Justice!" yelled Shinji. Dan: You're a bad guy, where's your library card? > "You're goin' down!" said Asuka. Rebecca: You won't die in one piece! > "We're gonna beat you, today, 19th Angel!" yelled Rei. Tsuneo: You're crazy-mad nutcase! > "You will never beat me! I am the 19th Angel, the final messenger of Lilith, I > am Earth's doom, I shall bring the apocalypse to your world! Rick: [Justice] And the holder of the world's worst rant! > You're all pieces > of shit compare to me, I will bring you down!!!" answered Justice. Dan: [Shinji] Is he trying to provoke us? > "Before we fight, I have one question!" said Shinji. > "What is it?" asked Justice. Rick: [Shinji] Why do hot dog buns come in packs of six, yet hot dog sausages come in packs of eight? Tsuneo: [Justice] Um... Um... Dan: [Tom] Get him! > "Why were you split in three? Why did those three Invadors fuse to make you > appear, I don't understand..." said Justice. Dan: No-one understands. Tsuneo: This is Delta. If you ask for a reason- Rebecca: Chances are, you'll get it? Tsuneo: Yeah, that's the problem. > "It's simple, I was created by Lilith as the Angel of Death, the 19th Angel with > the mission to destroy humanity just like the other Angels. And just like Lilin, > I wanted to expend. Rebecca: So you want a credit card then? > Him, he split in two, a male and a female, but since the > so-called Invadors are hermaphrodites... Rick: Meaning that they're all sterile. > so I decided to split in three parts, > three divine forms. I am the 19th Angel, but I could be called a demon. Rick: Yes, he's gloated, posed up a storm and delivered corny dialogue. All he needs to do now is die in a puddle of his own gore and he's a true demon. > Those three forms were the demonic forms. Tsuneo: Actually, they were the goofy forms. > And now, you have the ultimate form of the > 19th Angel!!! And you're all gonna die!!!" Rebecca: Now, while he's ranting... Sneak up and stick him with the Lance! > "That's what you think, you got a place reserved at Hell's hospital asshole! I > called yesterday for a room for a dumb ass called Justice!" yelled Tom. Rick: I think that's what he calls wit. Dan: Tom thinks he's a real wit. He's about half right. > "Yeah, you're going straight to hell, Rebecca: Do not pass go, do not collect salvation. > asshole!! We're all going to get you, this > time, we're a hundred percent ready!" said Shinji. Tsuneo: So you weren't last time? > "Yeah, like I said, the hospital room is still ready for yo' ass! And I can tell > you it won't be a happy stay there!!!" Tsuneo: Uh, Tom? You're repeating yourself. Again. > "I'm not going there! I think that room will be for you, Tom Dyron!!!!" laughed > Justice. Dan: For a supreme being, Justice's dialogue is pretty corny. > "How do y..." Tom started saying when the 19th Angel interrupted. Tsuneo: [Justice] You're very famous where I come from. > "I know all of your names, I am an Angel, and I used the angelic teleportation > to get here!!!" Rick: Say what? Rebecca: Now he's just making stuff up. > yelled Justice as Tom grabbed a progressive ax Tsuneo: Hello, what about the two superweapons? You know, the ones you asked about? Oh, forget it. > and rushed to get the 19th Angel. Rick: Okay guys, this is it. This isn't just any old fight scene, this is *the* fight scene. Dan: I wish I had some popcorn. > Justice jumped back and raised his AT Field as Shinji, Rei and > Asuka came to get him too. Justice put his finger up Dan: Ah, come on! That's just plain crude. Rebecca: Tonight, on a very special episode of "Flipped Off by an Angel." > and made a small blast to blow up the gun Rei was holding. Rick: Why not just use a big blast and blow up her whole EVA? You know you can. > He jumped and kicked Tom right in the face Rebecca: [Tom] Not in the face, not in the... Oh, too late. > when > he came to get him as Shinji jumped to tackle Justice. The 19th Angel made a > back flip and kneeded Shinji in the stomach Rebecca: Shinji's become a soft and malleable dough. > and then pierced his right shoulder with his head's horns. Rick: Kung fu Angel! > Rei took out her progressive knife to get Justice Tsuneo: For the last time, why didn't they deploy them with bigger weapons? Dan: Budget cutbacks kicked in at the wrong time. Rick: Say, since they blew up Seele, who's signing Gendo's paycheck? Rebecca: Don't think about it. > but he > grabbed her arm and twisted it behind her back. He then put the knife on her > throat and started spitting acid on her neck. Dan: Right, of course. Put the knife to her neck but don't actually cut with it. > Rei started screaming as Asuka > shot Justice right on the forehead and made him let go. Rebecca: A shot to the face. How nice. > Tom got back up and chopped off Justice's arm with his ax. Rick: Shouldn't Asuka keep on shooting about now? Tsuneo: Nah, we don't want her to actually do anything. > The 19th Angel screamed Dan: Ah ha ha! You're not so tough now, are you? > and launched a blast at Tom's chest. Dan: Uh, yes he is. > The 6th Children dodged right as the cross pierced three > other defense levels. Tsuneo: I hope there was no-one down there. Rebecca: Or at least no-one we know or care about. > Justice stepped back and yelled as his right arm regenerated. Dan: Beat him to death with it! Beat him to death with it! > The 19th Angel then used his tail to pierce Tom's stomach and lifted him up. Rick: That's gonna really sting. Rebecca: Yeah, I saw this in Aliens. Big whoop. Tsuneo: Does that mean Tom's going to be ripped in half? Dan: Don't sound so hopeful. > Shinji rushed and jumped on Justice holding him back. Rick: So you're on top of him and you're holding him back? Dan: Reminds me of Delta four. That didn't make sense either. > The monster > grabbed Shinji by the head and dragged him down as Rei stabbed him right in the > back. Rebecca: [Rei] Ooopsie. Soory about that, Shinji. Sorreee! Dan: I think he meant that Rei stabbed justice. Although admittedly it is a bit hard to tell. > Justice yelled and used his AT Field to blast all of the Children back. Tsuneo: When in doubt, misinterpret the AT field! Dan: Hang on, isn't Tom still hanging on the tail? Rick: [Tom] Hello? Can someone get me down? Help? > The beast then jumped on Asuka and started pounding her face with his claws. Rebecca: No, you scratch, gore or stab with claws. You don't pound. Rick: Guess he wants his pound of flesh. Get it, pound? Dan: You crack me up, little buddy. > Eva-02's face started to crack as Tom used the rocket launcher to blow Justice > away. Tsuneo: Good thing you didn't hurt Asuka in... Ooh. Ick. Messy. > Tom continued shooting him until Justice made it bounce back at him as > Unit-03 was blown away a hundred yards. Rebecca: Done in by a gimmick attack! Dan: Looks like Team Dyron's blasting off again. > Shinji grabbed a progressive lance as he > threw it at Justice's back piercing through his body. Rick: And set an Olympic record for the javelin throw! > The 19th Angel screamed as he took out the lance. Tsuneo: [Justice] Oh, I'm going to be feeling this tomorrow. > Rei went back on offense Rick: How does one just go on offense? Rebecca: Set the orders command to "Fire at will." Rick: And if anyone gets that one... > but Justice used the lance to pierce her chest. Dan: [Rei] I should be used to this by now. > Rei screamed in horrible pain All: Aie. > as Justice put more pressure on the weapon. Rick: Snapping the shaft. Hang on. > Asuka grabbed the rifles and shot Justice in his back Dan: And now Asuka's going John Woo on us. Rebecca: Evangelion 2 due out this June! No, really! > and got him five times Tsuneo: You'd think with all this gunfire he'd be damaged. Rick: They're really missing John's contribution to the battle. Tsuneo: I think they're doing better without him. > as Justice made a back flip and landed on her back horn first. Rebecca: I'm trying to figure out how that works. > Unit-02's chest was being pierced by the horn as Asuka yelled in pain. All: Aie. Tsuneo: Improbable moves and mixing tenses! All this and more in Delta! > Tom rushed to Justice and pulled him away. Rick: [Tom] Go away you naughty monster, you. > The monster grabbed Tom by the face and started crushing. Dan: [Justice] Lo, I shall crush your head, thus rendering you even more inferior to my glorious self! > The 6th Children kicked Justice in the stomach five times and > made Justice let go. Rei took out the lance from her chest and threw it away as > she grabbed a shotgun Rebecca: [Rei] This is my boom stick. > and started shooting Justice's face. Justice was getting > hit as he extended his AT Field so big that everyone was knocked down but Shinji > who broke through the AT Field from behind and punched Justice in the back of > the neck and kicked him down. Tsuneo: Justice strikes with a run-on sentence, but Shinji counters with a stupid move! The crowd goes wild! Rebecca: [Bored] Yay. > The 3rd Children grabbed the progressive knife and > stabbed Justice right in the back, but the 19th Angel turned around and grabbed > the knife. Dan: [Justice] Hang on... Damn. It's right in the place I can't reach. > He threw the weapon away and punched Shinji out of the way. > "He's too strong, damnit!!!" yelled asuka. > "We'll get him, I promised to kick his ass and I'll do it!!!" screamed Tom. All: We know. > "Well right now we ain't doin' much!" yelled Shinji. Rick: So hurting him a lot and lopping his arm off doesn't count, huh? > "You will never defeat me!!!!" yelled Justice laughing. Dan: [Justice] I'm invincible! Rick: You're a looney. > Tom rushed back on offense and tried to flying kick Justice All: Boot to the head! > but got his foot grabbed as Justice threw him on the floor. Tsuneo: Recoil the kicking leg faster! > Tom started running away from the > blasts Justice was shooting at him as Justice pierced five more levels of > defense. Rick: Isn't it amazing how so much happens at once, while so many people do nothing. > 13 were down now, only 11 left. > "Justice is 11 levels from the Geofront, what can we do?" asked Makoto. Rebecca: Push the button, Hyuga. You know you want to. > "Hope that the Children will get him, put the "Blade of Souls" and the "Lance of > Longinus" there!" ordered Misato. Dan: And the Sword of Torin. > "Hai!" > Asuka got grabbed by the head by Justice Rebecca: [Asuka] Hey! Don't mess up the hair! > as he started pounding her chest. He then noticed the ombilical wire and broke it. Rick: [Justice] Huh? Now what's this thing do? > Asuka was on full power as Justice continued pounding her. Tsuneo: Nah, they only left her with three seconds on the battery. Of course she's on full power. Dan: What's amazing is that they're actually fighting with the cords connected for once. > Tom rushed back and chopped off Justice's tail. The > Angel screamed as he regenerated his tail right away and whipped Tom's face. Rebecca: [Justice, camp] I'm going to thlap you tho hard! > Rei rushed to get Justice as he threw a blast through her head. Rick: Ow, double damage. Dan: [Deep] Head shot! > Rei barely had time to scream as her Eva was neutralized. Tsuneo: Wow, Rei got wiped out before Asuka did. That's a surprising development. > Asuka soon ran out of power Dan: That was a very quick five minutes. Rebecca: Well yeah, we said full power, but that's full power for a pair of AA batteries. Tough luck. > as Justice threw a blast at Shinji knocking him down. Rick: Shinji seems to spend a lot of time with his face in the mud. Dan: [Shinji] That's the story of my life. > The monster thought he was done as he jumped in the hole he had made. Rebecca: And was stopped half-way, as he hadn't finished it. Tsuneo: [Justice] This is so embarrassing. I knew that all-donut diet was a mistake. > He crushed the 14th level of defense Dan: [Justice] Squish, I say! Squish! > as Tom and Shinji disconnected their wires and went on 5:00 minute power. Rick: S2 engine, anyone? Tsuneo: So how come they get five minutes, but Asuka gets two lines? Rebecca: So they're the only ones left to save the day. > They jumped in the hole and fell on Justice who had crushed down to the 20th level. Dan: Okay, now what? Rebecca: Here, Hyuga. Let me push that blessed button for you. > They all stood on the 20th level as Tom knocked Justice's head against a wall. Dan: Justice, the angel of death and after-hours headbanger. > But the Angel used his AT Field to push Tom down breaking another level. Tsuneo: Could someone listen to me at least once? > Justice then threw a blast breaking all the last levels as they fell in the Geofront. Rick: Help, I'm falling at a sixty-degree angle breaking all the laws of physics! > Justice > landed on his feet right on the floor while the two Evas crashed down in a lake > of LCL. Tsuneo: Does anyone care to explain where that came from? > Shinji and Tom got back up and put back on new ombilical wires right away. Dan: Okay, round two. Fight! > "I am going to win the battle, you are screwed!!!!" laughed Justice out loud as > Tom stabbed him right on the chest. Rebecca: [Justice] Okay, next time hold the gloating. > Justice spit out blood and grabbed Tom by > the throat and chokeslammed him down hard on the floor. Tsuneo: Not only are all the angels pro wrestlers, but they've got a floor in the geofront! How senseless. Rick: Come on, it wouldn't be Delta without the "floor." > Shinji grabbed a rifle > and started shooting Justice distracting him while Tom broke through the AT > Field to put more pressure on the wound. Dan: As I last recall, Tom was flat on the "floor." Rebecca: Yeah, but someone clobbered Justice while the ref wasn't looking. > "How do you like that you S.O.B.?" asked Tom as Justice screamed. Rebecca: [Arnie] You scream like a girly man. > The 19th Angel used both its hands to throw back both Evas. Tsuneo: Even though Shinji was some distance away! > He threw another blast at the > ground which made another huge red cross. Three levels of defense were left > until Central Dogma was exposed. Rick: Of course, since they've destroyed Adam and Lilith, that really doesn't matter any more. > Tom grabbed a two-sided progressive lance Dan: [Joker] Where does he get those wonderful toys? > and jumped on Justice slicing his chest. Rebecca: [Tom] Who's for ribs? > The 19th Angel hid his scream and kicked Tom and the floor Rick: Then hopped around, clutching his foot. Tsuneo: That's a hard "floor," you know. > and used the lance to pierce his chest. Shinji got back up and > ran to Tom as Justice threw a blast at him blowing the ombilical wire off. Dan: And it was a new one, too. > Five minutes of power left. Shinji was out cold. Rick: Even though it didn't actually hit him? Rebecca: I think he fell asleep. > During that time, Tom's ombilical wire had been blown up Dan: This seems to happen to them a lot. Tsuneo: Don't bother showing it, fic. We'll just accept it anyway. > and Justice was forgetting his mission and started pounding Tom. Rebecca: [Justice] Alright, now I'm really pissed off. > Justice grabbed both Tom's arms and ripped them off. Rick: You're a big Hemmingway fan, I see! "A Farewell to Arms," right? > He threw a huge blast at Tom's stomach revealing his Core. Rick: Angel's got no sense of humour. > Eva-03 ran out of power. Dan: Just to top it all off. Tsuneo: You know, five minutes ain't worth what it used to be. > The > 19th Angel threw another cross as Central Dogma was now exposed to Justice. The > monster pointed his hand down at the hole ready to blow up everyone. Tsuneo: Hate to spoil your fun, but that's not Central Dogma. > "It's over!!" said Ritsuko. "NOOOO!!!!!!!!" Rebecca: Hyuga! Button! Now! > Suddenly, Shinji woke up and put the wire back on and yelled : Tsuneo: At last! It's time for Shinji to save the day! > "Hey Justice, come get some!!!!" as he grabbed the Lance of Longinus. > "You will die!!!!!" screamed Justice as he threw a blast at Shinji knocking him > down. He started pounding him as hard as he could. Tsuneo: ...Or maybe not. > "Please, move god damnit!!! Move you stupid Eva!!! Please, can't you fuckin' > move!!!" yelled Tom as Shinji was getting the living shit beaten out of him. Dan: Just to completely copy episode nineteen. > "God damnit, please, move!!!! I can't just let everyone die like that, so god > damnit, please, MOVE!!!!!!!!!" screamed Tom as suddenly, his Eva activated. Dan: I hate it when I'm right! > "Eva-03's S2 organ just activated!!!" yelled Maya, Rebecca: Even better, we've lost Tom! Hoody-hoo! > "but Tom's in full control!" Rebecca: Ah, nutbunnies. > "It's the new system we had put in the Evas. If the sync ratio is over 300% > while the pilot is out of power, the S2 Organ will activate but put the pilot in > control..." said Ritsuko. Tsuneo: Bollocks! Dan: Just admit it, Ritsuko. You're making this up as you go along. > Tom grabbed the Blade of Souls and yelled : Tsuneo: How's he doing that without the arms? Rebecca: His EVA used its teeth. > "Hey, big ass fucker, turn around, muthafucka!!!!!" as Tom rushed to him. Rick: [Tom] Did I mention I'm a badass? > "His synchro is at 350%!!!" yelled Maya. > When Justice turned around to see Tom, Shinji pierced the 19th Angel's stomach > with the Lance of Longinus Dan: Fooled you! I can't believe you fell for that! > making the Core crack with it in the same time as the > monster spit out a lot of blood. Rebecca: [Justice] That's me buggered. > The single blade of the Lance was covered in > blood as it was showing through the monster's red Core. Tsuneo: Yeah, it's dead. We noticed. > "Go to hell you son of a bitch!!!!" screamed Justice. > "No, no, you first asshole!!!" screamed back Tom as Justice started glowing red. Dan: That's bad, isn't it? > "He's going to use his AT Field to blow up the whole HQ, and the city!!!" yelled > Ritsuko. Rick: Will someone shut her up? All she ever doers is deliver bad news! > "If he does, all Evas will be destroyed and twenty years of science > will be lost! If he does that, the earth is lost, all Evas gone, the Angels take > over the earth! Rebecca: But there aren't any left. > We can't let it or the Angels really reach their goal!!!" Tsuneo: So their goal of wiping out all humanity is accomplished by destroying a single city. Rebecca: Hyuga, the button. You know you want to. > Tom jumped high as he swang the for Justice's neck. All: Swang! > The blade shined gold with a > pure AT Field that Tom concentrated in it as it cut right through Justice's > neck. Rebecca: They stole those transparency effects from Soul Calibur. Rick: Big deal, Leonardo did that to finally kill the Shredder years ago. > Tom landed right behind Justice holding the Blade covered with blood. But > Justice was still glowing red as the Geofront and Central Dogma were covered > with light. An explosion could be seen and heard. Dan: But it wasn't actually happening. > "It's over..." said Ritsuko closing her eyes as a huge blast exploded. Tsuneo: If you've got anything left to say, you'd better say it right now. Rebecca: [Kaji] Num num? > A huge cross blew up Dan: Now that we've killed the final boss, it's time for the big explosion. Tsuneo: And just like in Hard Edge, it takes a few minutes to happen. > and appeared over the hole made by the levels crushed by Justice. > In the city, the cross blew away Eva-00 and 02 away breaking them in a few > pieces and melting a few of them. Rebecca: Wow, such merciful story writing, wiping out the two EVAs that weren't even involved in the fight. > The entry plugs flew high as they landed on the ground hard. Dan [Rei] and Rick [Asuka]: Ow. > The cross's impact made a huge hurricane erasing any sign of > life above the ground around Tokyo-3, Rick: well, there goes WARenfield's parents, Tom's Uncle, Ensign Throwaway, Mr and Mrs Flores... > the buildings inside the Geofront were > almost blown up by the blast killing a few thousands of people. Tsuneo: Notice once again the story's casual disregard for human life. > Eva-00 and 02's entry plugs were blown in the air again landing Dan [Rei] and Rick [Asuka]: Ow. > on what was left of their Evas. Rebecca: This would be significant if they were any more than piles of scrap. > Eva 00 only had its upper body with an arm missing and its head left. Tsuneo: Is that the head that was blown apart? Dan: Yup. > Unit-02's head was missing as well as one of its legs and both its arms. Rebecca: And tell me why this is important. Rick: It's for their applications to the Waspinator fan club. > Most its armor > was melted The power of the blast made all of the water in the lakes rise up and > started wiping out the vegetation and some deserted houses. Tsuneo: Oh, just some houses. Dan: Fortunately they just blew up a deserted warehouse district. > The blast made some of the floor crumble in Central Dogma. Rick: Even though there was a hole straight to it? Dan: Yup. > Some employees were hit by rocks crumbling and were knocked out. Rebecca: But they don't have names, so we don't care about them. > The blast continued blowing up everything around Rick: Notice how it didn't touch Tom or Shinji. > but it suddenly disapeared. > The red light was still on Justice's body but not his head. Tsuneo: Damn, how long does this thing take to die? Rebecca: It's still got another minute or so of thrashing around to do. > Suddenly, the light went off the Angel's body. Blood started dripping > down its neck as the head fell off and rolled on the ground. The lifeless body > fell to the floor as blood dripped down everywhere and formed in a red puddle > that flooded into the lake of LCL. Rick: And we have death. Thank you. Rebecca: Geez Rick, any more over the top and you would have written it. Rick: Gee, thanks. And besides, we all know that comic book characters don't die. > "I understand, Dan: Well please don't tell us. > Tom chopped off Justice's head but the explosion from his head > happened, but the rest didn't explode Tsuneo: This is the part of the fic we call "you had to ask." > only blowing up some of what was over the > city, and some of the buildings inside the Geofront. All: We noticed. > If the whole body had let > go of the energy, all Evas would be gone and Japan might have been wiped out!! Rick: But just before, you said only the city would be destroyed. > But Justice's Core had been destroyed by Eva-01, he should have died right away... > But I think that just like Tabris or Kaoru, Dan: Or Kevin. > he had a few human tissues making him survive to a Core destruct. Tsuneo: Unh... Rebecca: Nup, you've lost us. Rick: Even when all's said and done, there's technobabble. > But even after his AT expension, the Lance might > have killed him, but he probably would have pulled it out and went on destroying > the world, Rick: So is that after self-destructing? Dan: Her brain's switched off and she gone into auto-babble mode. > or no, actualy he would have initiated 3rd Impact using all Evas... Tsuneo: Can't be done. N- Electronic monk: Worldly thoughts bad! Worldly thoughts bad! Worldly thoughts bad! Tsuneo: Will you stop this demented machine? Rebecca: Oh, all right. Go away! [The electronic monk trundles off] Tsuneo: I swear, if it does that one more time... > but > the closest to accomplishing that was Kaworu, that made a big mistake as an > Angel to actualy not initiate it when he had the chance." yelled Ritsuko. Dan: For god's sake, woman, breathe! > "Ma'am, something's even more incredible!!" yelled Maya. Rick: [Maya] The Fight Scene's actually ended! > "What?" asked Ritsuko. > "Shinji went at 397 %, but even more incredible, Tom went at 403% > synchronization for two seconds when he chopped off the head!" > "Two seconds wasn't enough for the Eva to fuse with Tom..." concluded Ritsuko Tsuneo: Rubbish! [He suddenly shys away from the armrest, watching the kitchen suspiciously.] Rick: That thing really does work. > as Tom grabbed the chopped off head of Justice. Dan: [Tom] You know, this would look really great over the fire. > "The life of all pilots is comfirmed. In the city, a few thousand people have > been killed, and another few hundred have been injured..." said Maya. Rebecca: [Maya] well if they'd gone to the shelters like we told them to... > "The life of Asuka and Rei have been comfirmed!" said Makoto. Rick: Oh, hooray! So they don't count under the classification of "all the pilots?" > "Send out a rescue team!" yelled Misato. > "You little bastard, you almost killed John and all of us, Dan: Obviously John doesn't count amongst "everyone else." Rebecca: Only because he's special. > you have died for > your crimes!!!" said Tom very calmly. Everyone thought he would crush the head, > but instead, he threw it in the water inside the Geofront. Tsuneo: Wonderful. Now it's going to stink up the place for weeks. > When all the Children > got taken out of their Evas, Tom and Shinji fell down unconscious. Rick: And rest. > Shinji, Asuka, Rei and Tom were put in the hospital for about five days. Dan: They were fine, but we kept them there anyway. Rebecca: We wanted to see if anything funny happened to them. > "The Children did very well... they are going to be remembered in history forever > now..." said Ritsuko. Tsuneo: As Tom, his offsider, his squeeze and whatshername. > "Yeah, you're right!" said Misato, "Poor John, he still has a month in that > coma. Rick: Obviously medical science is a lot more accurate in the future. > Damn the 19th Angel to Hell!" Dan: They already did. > "We finaly won... but God knows if this is all over though..." Rick: Well you've killed all the Angels, you've killed all the Invadors, you've blown up their home planet, you've killed all of Seele, you've killed Matt, you've wrecked most of the EVAs... I don't think there's anything left to wreck. > "Don't even think about the future dangers! Dan: Okay, then we can consider your impending unemployment. Rebecca: [Tom] God knows what will happen next! > We won for now, what da hell? Let's > try to be positive for once, Dr. Akagi, O.K.?" > "I'll try!" said Ritsuko smiling weakly. Tsuneo: She's still catching her breath from the almighty exposition. > The menace of the Invadors was gone as all Children went back to Misato's > apartment, except John that stayed in the hospital, Rick: Well obviously. > left in his coma. Before > going back at the apartment, Tom stopped by the hospital and looked down at > John's lifeless body. Dan: So he's dead? Rebecca: But it's a special kind of dead. > "Hey John... I did what I promised you I would do. Shinji and I killed Justice, he > is gone. No worries. Shinji should have gotten the kill with the Lance of > Longinus, but Justice was going to blow us up, so I just chopped off his head. Tsuneo: Just to repeat what we just had to suffer... > The kill should count for both me and Shinji, not only me. Well, who cares who > killed him? Dan: Not us. > This fight goes in 2nd place for best fight ever after Shinji's > fight with the 17th Angel. Rebecca: I'm sure Shinji's so glad to hear that you enjoyed watching him kill his friend. > I always have to rank, Rick: Well you are pretty rank, actually. > but it's the way I am, still, > I hope to see ya soon some day, John, see ya!" said Tom as he walked out slowly > out of the room to head back at the apartment. Dan: [Tom] Well, enough of John. Time for more of me. > Next day, at Misato's apartment... Rick: Pen-Pen's back, and he's pissed. > "I whooped his ass, I whooped his ass!!!" yelled Tom as he drank a beer. Tsuneo: Now he's going to repeat that for half a chapter. > "Yahoo, we won, we won!!!!" yelled Shinji as they all started dancing. Dan: Hooray, hooray! We're covered in injuries and racking up experience points! Rick: This means promotions! Rebecca: Level acquired! Dan, Rick & Rebecca: Promotions! Promotions! Promotions! Tsuneo: You three scare me. > "We finaly made it!!" said Asuka. > "A normal life... at last!" said Rei. Rick: No chance. Rebecca: Rei, think about what you just said. > "This is so great!!" said Tom, "Woohoo!! When I feel heavy metal!!!!" sang Tom > taking another sip from his can of beer. Rick: He drinks beer and he like heavy metal! Just to repeat: he's a badass! > "Damn, after all these months, we're done! Finaly! Thank God!" said Asuka. Tsuneo: I couldn't agree more. Dan: Don't get too excited. There's still one to go. > "Nope, not thank God... thank us!" said Rei smiling. Rebecca: [Rei] Not that Asuka and I actually did anything. > "Yeah, you're right!" said Asuka. Rick: [Rei] I'm always right! > "This is life!" said Shinji, Tsuneo: No, it's a crappy fanfic. > "We're gonna have so much fun from now on, this kicks major ass!! Yahoo!!" Dan: Or at least until Misato gets home. > "Hell yeah!!" said Tom as he raised his beer. > "To the Children!!" said Tom. Rebecca [Asuka]: To me! > "To the Children!!" yelled Shinji, Rei and Asuka as they hit each other's > glasses. Tom turned on some music. Rick: [Tom] When I feel like celebrating the joy of life, I prefer death metal. > They danced all night, as the night ended with a kiss from Rei to Shinji, and a > kiss from Asuka to Tom. They all went to bed as Tom had a very happy look on his > face. Rebecca: [Tom] Relief at last... > And so did all other Children, they had done it! Dan: And they were proud, dammit! Proud! > Everything could go back to normal, as all Children had wished all their lives. Tsuneo: Normal being a relative term here. > Because in this world, nothing's worth more than peace and love. Dan: Apart from Tom. Rick: That's touching. I may weep openly. > End of Genesis 0:25 [The TV switches off] Rick: And that was... The FIGHT SCENE! Dan: I was astounded by the all out, sheer goofiness of the fight scenes in this fic. I mean, in this chapter more than any other, the fight scenes are the centerpoint. But they were so damn bad. All along you know precisely how each and every one is going to turn out: Everyone except Tom and maybe Shinji is taken out, so Tom can save the day. And added to all that, everyone fought so stupidly. Every single fight, the tactics amounted to charge in one at a time and get clobbered. If their opponents hadn't spent so much time posing, ranting or just plain mucking around, they would have been wiped out. Rebecca: The thing that got me was the sheer incoherence of it all. The fight scenes were some of the most deliriously silly of any I've seen in all of Delta, and that includes the wrestling matches in part four. You can't figure out what's happening in the fights half the time, and the other half you really don't want to. Also there's such things as the mysteriously intact EVA-04 and EVA-14. Both of them were utterly destroyed, but yet they both got better. Finally, there's the matter of what happened when Justice exploded... Or not. Ritsuko's explanation of what happened is one of the most incoherent things I've ever read. It made no sense whatsoever, and looked for all the world like the authour was just making it up as he went along. Rick: Do you know that the word "F**k" was used nineteen times in this fic in a variety of versions and contexts. I think that's important. Tsuneo: This has to be the all-round most horribly contrived chapter of Delta ever. Firstly, we have three supposedly super Invadors who, *after* being killed combine into justice. Justice itself has the power to annihilate EVAs with a single shot, but only does so once. Then, precisely when it's winning, it vanishes, only to return exactly when they're ready for it. After a stupidly written fight scene, it self- destructs or not after death... Or something like that. Thrown into the middle of it all was Matt Yazama, complete with his vapourised EVA, merging through a completely unexplained process and randomly trashing people. And don't get me started on the tree of life. [Pause] Actually, I will. It was- [THOCK!] Electronic monk: Worldly thoughts bad. Worldly thoughts bad. Worldly thoughts bad. Tsuneo: I'm fed up with this thing! [Tsuneo lifts the monk and heaves it through the TV. The monk survives, miraculously intact.] Tsuneo: You know... I feel great. That thing really did work. Rick: I knew you'd like it. Dan: You're not meant to use it like that, you know. Rebecca: Well it seems fine. And I doubt it's got the brain power to be hurt or insulted. Rick: Question is, now Tom's beaten the ultimate Invador, saved the universe, drunk lots of beer and effectively removed John from the story- Rebecca: Not that you'd notice the difference. Rick: What's he going to do in chapter thirteen? Tsuneo: Well, knowing tom, it'll be about a lot of people yelling out "hell yeah," and "kick ass," and telling tom that he beat Justice and how wonderful he is. Dan: I figure he's going to finally punch out Gendo, Hitch Ritsuko up with Charles, rebuild EVAs 04 and 14 from scratch... And then probably go off and have pie. Rebecca: Nah, you watch. Another huge monster is going to arrive and say "Har har har, bet you thought Justice was the last Invador! Har, har, har! Now all you stupid humans will die," then Tom and Shinji grit their teeth and Tom kicks its ass. What say you, Rick? Rick: I don't know, but he'll probably swear a lot. and John will be special. Tsuneo: But he's in a coma! Rick: Yes, but it's a special coma. Tsuneo: ... Electronic monk: [Slowly] Worldly thoughts... Tsuneo: I'm getting out of here before that thing kicks in again. Rebecca: That may be quite a good idea. [They quickly exit as the electronic monk extracts itself from the wreckage of the TV] [The screen goes blank] Voice: *Another* TV? what do they think this is, a charity? I'm fed up with- [THOCK!] Electronic monk: Worldly thoughts bad. Worldly thoughts bad. Worldly thoughts bad. Worldly thoughts... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-2000 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley & Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-2000 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > "Welcome to hell, Lilin!!! I am the Justice, servant of Lilith, and I am here to > destroy all of you!!!! I am the last messenger, the end of the world. The 17th > Angel was more powerful than I am, but I will get the job done! Tabris was given > the ultimate powers, but was stupid enough to get human emotions!!! Not me, I do > have emotions, I am hatred incarnatd!!! I will destroy every single one of the > Evas, and destroy the Earth, I shall be known as Justice, the 19th Angel, the > Angel of Death, or your worst nightmare!!!" yelled the Angel.