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Episode 136 is the second half of SKR, in which Lara Croft actually appears.
Whoopee.

Street Fighter is copyright Capcom.
Mortal Kombat is copyright Midway.
Tomb Raider is copyright Eidos Interactive.
Street Kombat Raiders is copyright some guy named James.
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[The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation
in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video
recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small
kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk,
home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver
Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. There is a small,
battered artificial Christmas tree lying behind one of the couches, looking
for all the world like it has been trodden on.]

[Rebecca enters with a clipboard and dice. Sandra follows her]

Sandra: I don't see what the point of this is.
Rebecca: Well, it's just something I thought of between episodes.
Sandra: And what does it achieve?
Rebecca: Well, nothing, really.
Sandra: So it's a completely pointless, frivolous waste of time and
effort for no appreciable results.
Rebecca: Uh, well... when you put it like that, yes, I guess it is.
Sandra: Cool with me.

[Tsuneo and Dan enter]

Dan: I'll bite. What were you guys working on. You were running me and
Tsuneo ragged with questions about Mortal Kombat characters and their
abilities.
Tsuneo: And I want to know just *why* she was asking about Noob Saibot's
alternate player two costume.
Rebecca: Well you may ask. I noticed that part one of this fic had an
outstanding shortage of palette-swap ninjas, which are, if I am correct,
to Mortal Kombat what Shotoclones are to Street Fighter or stupidly big
firearms are to Tango.
Sandra: ...I so do not want to know who this tool is...
Tsuneo: So?
Rebecca: So to counter this startling drain of rainbow-coloured assassins,
I have created the random-roll Palette-swap Ninja Generator!
Tsuneo: ...that's just plain stupid.
Dan: Cool. I love it.

[They sit, Sandra and Rebecca on the forwards-facing couch, Dan and
Tsuneo on the other one. Sandra and Dan are the closest on the corners.

Dan: Can I take it for a test run?
Rebecca: Well, we do ned a test victim.
Dan: Cool. So how does it work?
Rebecca: You roll the dice several times. I've got tables that allocate
your ninja a colour scheme and his three most important attacks.
Dan: Sweet. [Rolls the dice] So what did I get.
Rebecca: Let's see... [Looks at the table] You got a Lavender-Clad ninja
who has Reptile's Acid Spit, Scorpion's Spear and Noob Saibot's Shadow
Throw.
Sandra: Wow. A *lavender* ninja. You are going to strike fear into the
hearts of mortal men with that. Please.
Dan: Well let's see what you get then.
Sandra: Sure. [Takes the dice and rolls them] So what'd I get, boss?
Rebecca: Let's see... you got a brown ninja with Rain's Energy Ball,
Sub-Zero's ice blast and Scorpion's fire breath.
Sandra: Ice blast and fire breath? This is totally tooled up.
Tsuneo: It does make as much sense as the real thing, though.
Rebecca: So you want to give it a try, Tsuneo?
Tsuneo: Might as well. [He picks up the dice and rolls them] So what did
I come up with?
Rebecca: Let's see... you've got a Puce ninja who has Scorpion's Teleport
Punch, Ermac's Teleport punch and a Guided missile.

[Pause]

Tsuneo: I think this thing has a few major bugs.
Sandra: I think this thing was used by Midway to populate four games.
Dan: I agree with both.
Voice: Morning, guys. What's up?
Rebecca: Oh, hi there, Noob Saibot.
Voice: ...
Sandra: Hey, Brain Guy, what's the pain for the day?
Tsuneo: One day here and you don't respect him at all. That's got to be
some kind of a record.
Sandra: I don't respect anyone, save for the odd city-destroying insane
psychokinetic or two and a half meter tall replicant.
Tsuneo: So what is it, Voice?
Voice: I've got the second half of Street Kombat Raiders for you.
Tsuneo: Wow. Do you think Lara will actually appear?
Dan: I hope so! [Rebecca hits him with a cushion]
Tsuneo: What I want to know is will anyone be in character?
Sandra: I think we've got a better chance of getting and intelligent
comment out of Dan.
Dan: You damn right... HEY!

[The TV switches on]

>**Chun-Li sat on the back steps of the bunkhouse trying hopelessly
>to scrape the spider guts from the bottom of her shoe. The rest of
>the girls were just inside the screen door, training.

Sandra: Actually, they were pointing and laughing.

>Jax approached her.**
>Jax: What are you doin?

Tsuneo: Drawing out a pointless scene.

>Chun-Li: This goddamn spider won't come off my shoe!!! (hurls the
>shoe like a football toward some trees)

Dan: GOAL!

>Jax: Looked like an expensive shoe.

Sandra: It was a genuine authentic imitation.

>Chun-Li: It was. They were Gucci. It's so hard to say goodbye to
>designer name apparel.

Dan: I didn't know Gucci made combat boots.

[Rebecca points to her footwear]

Dan: Well there ya go.

>**Chun-Li wore one of her trademark low-cut shirts

Tsuneo: Like the ones she never wears?
Sandra: Yes, but if she wore them, they'd be her trademark.

>and some very tight jeans.

Dan: [Austin Powers] Those pants must be skin-tight, baby. How do
you get into them?

>Her hair, which was usually up in two buns was down.
>It was shiny, brown, and fell to her waist. She looked up at Jax,
>who wasn't looking too bad, either and it was a Kodak moment. Sonya
>happened to look through the screen door and saw Jax's eyes fixated
>on Chun-Li's 36D chest.

Dan: Come on, this is just getting lame.

Rebecca: Dan, are you serious?

Dan: Yeah! Everyone knows Chun Li's all about legs. [Rebecca hits
him with a cushion]

>Chun-Li was flirting like a little
>schoolgirl!! This must be stopped. It was time to intervene.**

Tsuneo: So we've just wandered into Ranma 1/2?
Rebecca: Oh, yeah. Any second now, someone's going to dump a bucket
of cold water on Johnny and he'll turn into Mai.
Sandra: [Johnny] Me bouncy!

>Sonya: I see you lost those buns, Chun-Li.

>Jax: (looks at Chun-Li's ass) Nope, they're still intact.

Sandra: Jax Biggs, master of the bleeding obvious.
Dan: [Jax] You damn right.

>Chun-Li: (giggles) She meant my hair.

>Sonya: (narrows her eyes) He knows what I meant.

Sandra: Twenty says we never see Jax alive again.

>**It was worse than she thought. She had thrown a hint to Jax to
>lay off and he ignored her. He was going crazy or he was falling
>for Chun-Li. Either way, she wasn't going to let it keep going on.
>She opened the door and went outside to join them.**

Dan: So what's she so jealous about? She's already got Johnny.
Sandra: I think you answered your own question.

>Sonya: So, what brings you to the back steps?

Tsuneo: [Chun Li] My feet.

>Chun-Li: I was tryin to scrape something off my shoe.

>Sonya: Where is it?

>Chun-Li: I threw it.

>Jax: I'll get it. I think I can get that shit off for ya.

Tsuneo: Ye gods, is this entire chapter going to be about Chun
Li's footwear?

>**Jax fetched the shoe and whipped out his titanium blade.

Dan: They equipped him with Swiss Army Arms.
Rebecca: [Jax] Any horses around here with stones in their hooves?

>He scraped the remains of the vermin with ease.

Rebecca: If she reacts like this when she gets squashed spider on
her shoes, what's she going to do when they're covered in blood?

>Sonya rolled her eyes as he handed the shoe back to its owner.**

>Chun-Li: Thank you so much!! I never would have gotten it off by
>myself. (tosses her hair over her shoulder like a Charlie's Angel.)

Dan: Does this mean that Bill Murray is playing Gill?
Sandra: There's an enjoyable image.

>**Just then, Johnny came from the screen door.**

>Johnny: I looked all over the bunkhouse for you! What are you doing
>back here?

Dan: Watching the game, having a Bud.

>Sonya: Chillin. Got a problem?

>Johnny: (sees what's going on with Chun-Li and Jax) Me and a few
>of the guys wanted to go out to eat.

Rebecca: I'm beginning to wonder about just how isolated and
uncharted this island is.
Sandra: Well it's got a McDonalds.
Rebecca: Everywhere's got a McDonalds.

>Wanna come, honey?
>Sonya: Only if Chun-Li and Jax are coming.

Sandra: [Sonya] So we can get the group discount.

>Jax: I'm all set.

>Chun-Li: I already ate.

Tsuneo: See, that squashed spider was good for something.

>Sonya: I'm staying here.
>Johnny: (glares at Sonya) Let's go.

Dan: [Johnny] What, are you jealous or something?
Rebecca: [Sonya; angry] Never!

>Sonya: Are you trying to tell me what to do? That'll be the day!!

Dan: [Johnny] I don't get any respect.
Tsuneo: You don't deserve any respect.
Dan: [Johnny] Well that's okay then.

>Johnny: Sonya, you know it's better if you come.

Tsuneo: And why, precisely?
Sandra: Because it means in amongst all the palette-swap ninjas,
psycho lesbian midgets, demented stalker schoolgirls, EX characters,
shotoclones and Gill, they'll have a relatively normal person.

>Sonya: Fine, I'll go, but what happens while I'm not here is more
>than I can bear to think about.

Dan: [Johnny] So don't think! It works all the time for me.
Rebecca: Say Dan, Johnny Cage isn't some relative of yours, is he?

>Johnny: That's OK, because you never think and eat at the same time.

>Sonya: True.

Sandra: Which would explain some of the stuff she eats.

>**Finally, Johnny had convinced Sonya to go away and leave Jax
>and Chun-Li alone. They went out to eat and returned when it was
>close to the next match.

Tsuneo: So it takes longer to get to dinner than to have it?
Sandra: With the way they argue, yes.

>Chun-Li and Jax were still on the back steps flirting.**

Dan: While Hokuto was running around bashing people with a spatula,
Ken was wandering cluelessly across the countryside and Sakura
was pounding Ryu with a mallet.

>Chun-Li: You're the only guy I've ever talked to that was taller

>than me even when I wear big shoes.

Rebecca: So she's never met anyone who's six feet tall?
Sandra: Well when she talks to Sagat or Zangief, she kicks them in
the cruets first.

>Jax: I'm 6'5.

Dan [Jax as John Cleese]: I'm six-foot-five and I eat little guys
like you for breakfast!

>Chun-Li: I'm 6'0. I like being tall. It makes me feel superior.

Tsuneo: [Chun Li] Actually, it's the platform heels that does it.

>Jax: I don't know about that, but I like tall girls.

>Chun-Li: (slides closer to Jax) That's good...

>Cammy: Love is in the air. I wonder if I can shoot it down...

Rebecca: She plotted five unsuccessful firing solutions on the
love before getting a successful one. Then it turned out to be
an Iranian airbus.

>Chun-Li: (narrows her eyes) Beat it, you deranged midget!! You
>always kill the mood, every time I talk to a guy!!!

>Cammy: Well, if I'm not getting any, nobody is.

Rebecca: I guess Gryphon never returned her calls.

>Let's go to the Arena. What this place needs is some blood.

Dan: And maybe a touch of paint.

>Love sickens me so.

>Johnny: You're a disturbed, sick little woman.

>Cammy: (smiles very widely) You know you love me.

>**When they got to the Arena, the fighters were already in the
>ring. It was Sakura vs. Baraka.

Dan: Wow. Shotoclone schoolgirl versus horrible toothy monster.
This is so unfair.
Tsuneo: Poor Baraka doesn't stand a chance.

>It was a short fight. Sakura tried
>very hard, throwing her hurricane kick, dragon punch, fireballs,
>and other such attacks to try and defeat Baraka.

Rebecca: And when that didn't work, she flashed her panties.

>Sakura was a 5'3
>Japanese schoolgirl with short brown hair. Baraka was a beast. He
>had enormous fangs, much like Mileena's, a bald head, and blades
>attached to his hands.

Rebecca: Do you know what's one of the most important things Barakas
learn?
Tsuneo: I'm afraid to ask.
Rebecca: Don't scratch your crotch.

>He grabbed Sakura's wais with one hand while
>she was in mid-air and squeezed until she screamed in pain. He
>threw her on the floor, breaking her nose. He picked the young girl
>up by her hair and sliced her up with his blades. She would have
>bled to death had he not decapitated her. Needless to say, Sakura
>was dead.**

Tsuneo: Nah, you reckon?
Rebecca: [Sakura] I'm getting better.
Sandra: [Ryu] Yeah! Oh, I mean... Oh, what a tragedy.

>Cammy: You bloody bastard!!!!!!! She was only a little girl!!
>You'll pay for this!!

Dan: Well you were the one who wanted more blood and violence.
Rebecca: Only one thing to do. Go back to the barracks and divvy up
her collection of Ryu's stuff.

>Baraka: You want a piece, little bitch!!

>Cammy: (whispers something to Chun-Li, who runs back to the
>bunkhouse with the key to Cammy's gun collection)

Dan: Cammy's ready to let Chun Li handle her weapons. Boy, I'd love
to see that. [Rebecca hits him with a cushion]

>As a matter of fact, I do!!

>Gill: (runs over to Cammy and stands in her path) You can't do
>this, Cammy!!

Rebecca: Even stripper clowns fear the wrath of psychotic midgets!

>Cammy: I'll do what I please. I want to see his insides!!

Rebecca: With the 24/7 rule in effect, and Earl Hebner right here,
why not?

>(pushes
>Gill out of her way and gets into the ring) Time to die, you
>pathetic dental nightmare!!!

Tsuneo: Is that the best you can come up with?
Sandra: [Cammy] It was impro.

>Baraka: That's a good one. There is no way you can defeat me!!
>You're much too small!!

Dan: Boy is he dead.

>Chun-Li: (returns) Here!! (tosses the rocket launcher at Cammy)

Sandra: Uh, Baraka? Now might be a good time to consider your options.

>Cammy: (catches the weapon) I may be little, but Big Poppa here is
>as big as they make em.

Tsuneo: Say, how does she actually hold something that big?
Dan: Hokuto's her gun caddy. That's the only reason they let her in
the tournament.

>Baraka: (backs up) Let's not get crazy here......we can
>negotiate!!!!

Rebecca: I think it's a bit too late for that, Baraka.
Dan: [Baraka] Come one, can't we at least reach a limited cease-fire
agreement?
Sandra: [Cammy] Yeah. You cease and I fire.

>Cammy: Scared? You should be. Maybe you'll think twice about
>fucking with me next time. Oh yes!! There won't be a next time!!

Tsuneo: Is it just me, or is Cammy getting a might bit excited here?
Dan: Actually, her behaviour is awfully familiar. [He glares at Rebecca]

>You're going to be in tiny pieces in a minute...

Dan: [Baraka] If I said I was sorry, could we just forget all about it
and be friends?

>Baraka: (backs up until he is cornered) N...No....please...

>Cammy: I love it when they beg.

Rebecca: Girl, you are enjoying this way too much.
Tsuneo: Are you sure she's on the right team?

>**Cammy kicked Baraka in his stomach, knocking him down.

Dan: You know what's powering her rage?
Tsuneo: No.
Dan: She's imagining Baraka as Kylie Minogue.

>He slid against the turnbuckle

Sandra: Since when did they have these matches in wrestling rings?
Dan: I don't know, but Zangief's about to go through the Spanish
announcing table.

>until he was in a sitting position. He
>looked up at Cammy and all the usual evil that was in his eyes
>disappeared. He was a puppy.**

Sandra: Aw, who's a cuite little psychotic killing machine?

>Cammy: Now, it's time for that long-needed dental work...

Rebecca: [Cammy] Now open wide and say 'Aah.'
Dan: [Baraka] Aah.
Rebecca: [Cammy] So how's thing's been, Baraka?
Dan: [Baraka] Hrmph mrf plrk.
Rebecca: [Cammy] Uh-huh. And the wife and kids?
Dan: [Baraka] Wstfrx.
Rebecca: [Cammy] Good to hear.
Dan: [Baraka] Ag ag mrfplrt.
Rebecca: [Cammy] Well that's all. See you in six months.
Dan: [Baraka] Kliplztym crzjigwldic.

>Gill: Cammy, no.....

>Chun-Li: That's my girl!!!

>**Cammy kicked Baraka in his mouth at full force, breaking his
>jaw and allowing her boot to enter his oral cavity.

Sandra: Cammy White, world champion grand master of tae kwan leep.
All: Boot to the head!

>As her size 5
>combat boot's rubber grippers tore through his tissue, his teeth
>were all broken.

Tsuneo: Didn't his mother ever tell him not to stick things in his
mouth?

>Cammy removed her foot, which was covered in
>blood. Baraka spit the teeth out.

Dan: [Baraka] What, me worry?

>He was in tears from the unbearable pain.**

Rebecca: You think that's bad, you should see his orthodontist's bill.

>Kitana: She is not well.

All: No!

>Sonya: That was so cool!!!

>Johnny: I'm gonna puke.

>Ken: Hey, maybe with enough antagonizing, she'll do that to
>Chun-Li!!

>Chun-Li: She hates you more than me.

Dan: [Ken] A guy can hope.

>Ryu: The fight is all that matters. Shut up and watch.

Sandra: Admit it Ryu, you're loving this.
Rebecca: Well between that and Sakura dying, he must be having a ball.

>Cammy: Open wide......

>**Baraka looked at Cammy and decided to do as he was told.

Rebecca: There's a good Baraka. Have a Scooby Snack.

>He was going to die either way.

Tsuneo: He could try fighting back.
Dan: He could try escaping.
Sandra: He could try grovelling.

>Cammy shoved the whole barrel of the rocket launcher in his mouth.

Sandra: Well there's some disturbing imagery for you.
Rebecca: Kids, never, ever do this.

>She let it rip. It wasn't pretty and the results were pretty messy.

Rebecca: The rocket detonated inside the barrel and blew both of
them up.

>To put it in less revolting terms,

Dan: Just say it already.

>she
>painted the town red. Most of the fighters had taken off because of
>the gore. The Mortal Kombat crowd was pretty much still intact.**

Sandra: This sort of thing happens to them every day.

>Gill: We could be disqualified for that.

>Cammy: (blows the smoke from her rocket launcher, then straps it
>to her back) Do you see Shao Kahn, Bison, or Shang Tsung around?

Tsuneo: Actually they're in the spectator's box, laughing their
heads off.
Rebecca: Shang Tsung is sitting back grinning while Bison is
swearing at his Atari gamestick.
Dan: Obscurity bonus!

>Jax: Gotta give it up, girl, that took balls.

Sandra: At least someone around here has some.
Rebecca [Johnny]: Nope, none there. Hmmm... Yep. You got some.

>Cammy: Some girls do it with chocolate, some do it with exercise,
>I prefer death and mutilation.

Sandra: Remember, these are the good guys.

>Chun-Li: That was beautiful!!

Rebecca [Chun Li]: I mean, red is just *the* colour of the season.

>Cammy: What you did to Vega was pretty admirable as well.

Tsuneo: Well, I guess they're heroic merciless killers. Somehow.
Dan: Well it's obvious. This is an Image comic.

>Ryu: This is the first time you two have exchanged compliments.
>This is kind of sweet, on a disturbing sort of level.

>Chun-Li: You have pretty eyes, Cammy.

>Cammy: You have the best set of legs I've ever seen.

>Kitana: Enemies making amends. This is good.

>Chun-Li: You have great abs.

>Cammy: And your hair is like brown silk.

>Jax: Hey, this is getting a little scary...

Rebecca: Oh no, it got scary ages ago.
Dan: [Jax] Not that Jax minds seeing two girls who dig each other.
Just as long as there's still room for Jax. Can you dig it?

>Ken: I always knew these two had something going on!! Get the
>camera, I'd love to record some hot lesbian action!!

Tsuneo: He sounds just like you, Dan.

Dan: Wait a minute...

>Chun-Li: I can compliment girls without being a lesbo.

[Sandra and Rebecca both pound Dan with cushions]

Dan: What? I didn't do a thing!
Sandra: Just in case.

>Sonya, you have a great ass!!

Dan: As a player of the entire Mortal Kombat series, I have to agree.
Sandra: As a player of the entire Mortal Kombat series, you suck.

>Sonya: I'm staying out of this one.

Rebecca: [Sonya] I so need to call my agent.

>Cammy: I am a lesbian and I can compliment whoever I want. It's
>not like I want Chun-Li or anything.

Sandra: [Cammy] It's not like I've been stalking her, or trying to
perv on her naked or anything. No sir. [Pause] I'll just shut up now.

>Chun-Li: That would be silly.

>Cammy: She's much too tall for me.

>Chun-Li: I like boys.

Dan: I like girls.
Rebecca: I like flying.
Sandra: I like buff, unattached billionaires.
Tsuneo: I like display figures.
Tango: [V/O] I like guns and cheese!
Voice: Gotta get that thing fixed.

>Cammy: She's too girly.

Dan: She's six feet tall with a 36D chest and impressive muscles.
How is that girly?
Rebecca: Only next to Cammy's usual choice. She doesn't have a
mullet and a handlebar moustache.

>I need a girl like Angelina Jolie. Now THERE's a woman!!

Dan: With her huge... [Rebecca and Sandra glare at him] Lips.

>Chun-Li: Hell yea!!! She's the shit!! I would do her in
>a.........er.....I'll shut up now.

Tsuneo: Please.

>Sonya: That's a good idea.
>Johnny: More than I needed to know.

Dan: Not me! Not me!

>Gill: Well, it'll take a while to clean up.

Rebecca: They clean up Mortal Kombat arenas?
Sandra: Yeah, Shao Kahn comes along and picks up any stray souls
lying around.

>There won't be anymore matches today. You might as well relax.

>Cammy: Well, it's time to shine my guns.

Dan: Can I watch?

Rebecca: I'm not sure how to take that one.

>Sonya: Ooooohhh, that's my area. I'll help you.

Dan: CAN I WATCH?!
Rebecca: I think that deserves a hit over the head.
Dan: What? I was looking forward to a well-written piece of
characterisation putting this silly feud behind them.
Rebecca: In this fic?
Dan: Alright, you caught me. I was hoping to see the two of them get
it on.
Sandra: Is he always this stupid?
Tsuneo: Actually that was a moment of brilliance for him.

>Kitana: I have some business to take care of. I shall return.

Sandra: She said before stepping onto the last boat out of the
Philippines.

>**The fighters retreated to the women's bunkhouse.

Rebecca: They surrounded it with sandbags and barbed wire, and
boarded up the windows.

>Since it was
>quieter, neater, and had a better overall atmosphere than the men's
>bunkhouse, it had become the hangout.

Dan: The women's bunkhouse is a happening place.
Sandra: Only by comparison.

>They sat on the floor,
>helping Cammy shine and organize her guns.**

Tsuneo: Isn't anyone here upset about what happened to Sakura?

>Cammy: This is what Street Fighter should be. Fighters keeping
>their big mouths shut and handling firearms.

Dan: And just how does she reach that conclusion?
Tsuneo: Would you rather have another one of this fic's fight scenes?
Dan: Good point.

>Chun-Li hasn't pissed me off in over a half hour!

>Chun-Li: This is a new record.

Rebecca: So do they piss each other off in their sleep?

>Sonya: Firearms work wonders for the social abilities of a woman.

Tsuneo: I can't believe I just read that.

[Rebecca and Sandra stare at the ceiling]

>Cammy: Amen.

>Jax: Chun-Li, that's a big rifle for a girl like you to handle. Let
>me show you how to do it. (puts his arms around Chun-Li and shows
>her how to clean the gun)

Rebecca [Jax]: Now firmly grip the shaft of the weapon, yeah... like that
baby. Then slowly stroke it, up and down... that's how to take care of
a weapon. [Dan hits her with a cushion]
Sandra: So is this a Street Fighter/Mortal Kombat crossover fic or a
Handmade film?
Dan: Does it have a direly under-used John Cleese or Michael Palin?
Sandra: Look under Shao Kahn's mask.

>Cammy: He just called you incapable!! Aren't you going to challenge
>him to a deathmatch??

>Chun-Li: (looks up at Cammy with a glare) Don't kill it, Cammy. Let
>Jax have his fun...

>Sonya: Oh, man. I'm having a Maalox moment...

>Cammy: You know perfectly well how to handle that rifle, Chun-Li!!

Dan: [Jax] Trust me, she knows how to handle that rifle.

>It's because of girls like you that men think we can't do
>anything!! You straight girls all pretend you don't know what
>you're doing to get attention.

Rebecca: So when she beats the living snot out of someone, she's only
pretending?

>You sicken me.

Dan: This from the resident psychopath.

>Sonya: I'm straight and I'm not afraid to be smart.

>Chun-Li: Only because your boyfriend is an idiot!!

Tsuneo: Remind me, is this a tournament, or a reality TV show?
Sandra: Any minute now either Jerry's going to give us his thought of
the day, or someone's going to run naked in front of the camera so
they don't get voted off the island.

>Johnny: Yeah, because your boyfriend is a........HEY!! That was an
>insult!!!

Tsuneo: Hey Johnny, what are you doing here in the women's bunkhouse?
Rebecca: Perving.
Dan: Watching the girls handle their weapons. [Sandra hits him with a
cushion] Well they are!
Sandra: Tool. He's right.

>Chun-Li: I rest my case.

>Sonya: If I didn't know what I was doing, where would we be?

Dan: Exactly where you are right now, because you haven't actually
DONE ANYTHING in this fic?

>Johnny: ......Hey, I got that one, too!!

>Sonya: Very good!! Now keep cleaning that gun.

Tsuneo: Are you sure you want to let Johnny handle a firearm?
Rebecca: [Johnny] I was cleaning my gun when it went off. [Sandra
hits her with a cushion]

>Chun-Li: The art of helplessness is an art.

Rebecca: Also, the art of redundancy is an art as well.

>Not every woman can
>pull it off. Jax, didn't you think I really couldn't handle this
>gun?

Dan: [Jax] No, but I was going to take any opportunity to get my
hands all over you, baby.

>Jax: Yea, it was very convincing.

Tsuneo: As convincing as this dialogue.

>Chun-Li: The truth is that I can disassemble and reassemble it in
>under 60 seconds and I can reload it in 6. I just wanted those metal
>arms around my waist.

Dan: [Jax] I miss my sense of touch.

>Jax: You don't need to make excuses for me to hold you. All you
>gotta do is ask.

>Sonya: The bile is rising in my throat...

Sandra: [Sonya] Urge to kill... Rising... Rising...

>**The door swung open and a bloody Kitana fell onto the floor in a
>heap.**

Dan: [Max the bunny] Hey, pretty impressive.
Rebecca: [Sam the dog] Don't touch it Max. You'll get germs!
Dan: [Max] Whoso pulleth this linoleum knife from this ninja girl is
rightwise king born of England!

>**The fighters laid the unconscious Kitana on her bed and tried to
>wake her up. Finally, she opened her honey-brown eyes and spoke.**

>Kitana: I've found the cure for our immortality.

Tsuneo: Decapitation by sword, we know it.

>We can only be
>killed by our own family members with a weapon made from Edinium,
>a metal found only in my native of Edinia.

Sandra: Is that as in the Zone of Endinia?
Tsuneo: Unfortunately the game ends before she can find out if it
works.
Dan: She was only in it for the Metal Gear Solid 2 demo disc.

>Sonya: Gee, that sounds annoying.

Rebecca: [Kitana] Annoying? Annoying? I've searched for this
solution for thousands of years, nearly gone mad and suffered
countless deaths and you call it annoying?
Sandra: [Sonya] Annoying, as in 'you're bleeding on the carpet
and it's my turn to clean up.'
Rebecca: [Kitana] Well excuse me. I'll go expire messily somewhere
else.

>So, what happened?

>Kitana: I have slain my sister yet again.

Dan: You know, for these guys family reunions must be terrible.

>Johnny: Maybe she'll stay dead this time.

Tsuneo: Actually, she just restarted at a nearby village without any
money.

>Sonya: I fuckin hope so. Maybe this madness will finally end.

Tsuneo: So what, we just wrapped up that subplot in half a page?

>Cammy: This is rather silly.

All: We noticed.

>You can't very well have a good twin
>without a bad one to balance things out. I say we knock this one
>off as well.

>Chun-Li: We need her to win the tournament.

Dan: Why? You've been caning everyone in sight, and the only two
outworlders who have won have since been killed off.
Sandra: Yeah, but without her they'd be below the legal minimum on
pallete-swaps.
Tsuneo: I think they're hurting more from losing Vega and Sagat than
you are from losing Sakura.

>**Just then, the phone rang. Sonya answered it.

Sandra: [Sonya] No madam, I am not Cutts the butcher.

>She made a face, then motioned for Chun-Li to come to the phone**

Rebecca: [Sonya] It's your agent. He was saying something about

'career suicide.'

>Sonya: Whatever you say, dude. Chun-Li, the Boogieman wants to talk
>to you.

>Chun-Li: What? (snatches the phone) Who is this?

>Bison: Muhahahahahahahaha!!!! Chun-Li, this is M. Bison, your sworn
>enemy!!!

Sandra: [Chun Li] Great. Prank called by Bison.

>Chun-Li: (yawns) Oh, it's you. What the fuck do you want?

Dan: [Bison] Why isn't anyone scared of me these days?
Rebecca: [Chun Li] You're job's largely been taken by Akuma, last
time we saw you, you were doing run-ins with Geese Howard, you've got
Balrog as one of your men and the whole world's seen the photos of
you, Juni, Juli and the bathtub full of custard.
Dan: [Bison] I've got a big chin! You still fear the chin, right?

>Bison: I have something very valuable of yours...

>Chun-Li: Dear lordy, what is it now? First you stole my father,
>then you stole my kitchen sink, THEN, you broke into my apartment
>and stole a container of cream cheese and sent me pictures of it
>being spread on bagels!! I hope you stole something good this time.

Tsuneo: ...And here we were making jokes about Sakura.
Sandra: Her kitchen sink?
Dan: Now he isn't missing a thing. [They stomp a mudhole in him]

>Bison: That was the best cream cheese I ever had.

Dan: [Bison] And it was *delicious* cream cheese on *delicious*
bagels. Mmm-mmm. Yum!
Rebecca: [Chun Li] Bison, you're not impressing anyone.
Dan: [Bison] Oh please? Shinnok is laughing at me!

>I have something else now, something you need very much...

Sandra: [Chun Li] You stole Fei Long, didn't you?
Dan: [Bison] Ha-ha! Got you!
Sandra: [Chun Li] Doesn't matter. I've got a spare headswap of him here.
Tsuneo: Super obscurity bonus to Sandra.

>Chun-Li: I hate how you Street Fighters talk!! All vague and
>mysterious and shit.

Dan: [Bison] I'm a villain! It's my thing, already!

Tsuneo: Could be worse. She could be menaced by Geese Howard in
SNKglish.
Dan: [Geese] How are you gentlemen? All your shoes are belong to us!

>Just spit it out, man! I don't have all night.

>Cammy: Actually, since it's same sex rooming, you DO have all
>night.

>Chun-Li: Stuff it, short shit.

>Bison: I have something very useful indeed...

Sandra: [Chun Li] My break in half Darth Maul?

>Chun-Li: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......I'm counting to 10, then hanging
>up. One...

>Bison: Something that you can't live without...

Rebecca: [Chun Li] My industrial-strength hair dryer?

>Chun-Li: Two...

>Bison: Something that you could get hurt without...

Dan: [Chun Li] A condom?

>Chun-Li: Nine....

>Bison: I HAVE YOUR SHOES, CHUN-LI!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Sandra: Well you said it would be all about Chun Li's shoes.
Tsuneo: I hate my life.

>Chun-Li: (looks down at her bare feet, then runs to her trunk and
>fins no shoes) YOU BASTARD!! HOW DID YOU GET THEM?? THEY WERE ON
>MY FEET!!!

Rebecca: He's a very, very fast villain.

>Bison: I'm evil, I can do anything I want.

Dan: [Bison] So nyaaah!

>I have ALL of your
>shoes. From cross-trainers to pumps to hiking boots, I have every
>last bit of footwear that you own!!

Rebecca: He's finding the pumps rather comfortable.

>Chun-Li: You broke into my apartment and stole all the ones there,
>too?

Sandra: [Chun Li] And you didn't raid my jewellery, valuables or
personal documents?
Dan: [Bison] Um...
Sandra: [Chun Li] You're a pretty lame villain, aren't you?
Dan: [Bison] I stole that towel you swiped from the Hilton!

>Bison: I have them ALL!!! Even the booties that your grandmother
>knitted for you!!

>Chun-Li: My grandmother doesn't knit...

>Bison: Oh, then whose booties am I wearing?!?

Rebecca: Never mind that, whose underpants is he wearing?
Sandra: [Bison] That little black thong of yours is actually quite
comfortable.

>Chun-Li: GIVE MY SHOES BACK!!!

>Bison: Come and get them!!

>Chun-Li: I will!!!

>Bison: Good luck finding me!! My hideout id right in the middle
>of the woods beside the highway that runs by the tournament!!
>Muhaha.....hey, I just gave my location away...

Dan: Dumbass.
Tsuneo: Remind me, why did Shang Tsung and Shao Kahn team up with him?
Sandra: So he could show them how villainy is done properly.

>Chun-Li: Good job, Jackass. Wanna blow up any more of your own
>spots?

Dan: [Bison] No, I won't tell you that the combination to the safe
is one, two, three, four. So there.

>Bison: (thinks for a moment) Hmmmmmmmm, no, that's it for now.
>Goodbye, Chun-Li!! Muhahahahaha!!!!

Rebecca: [Chun Li] And thank you for not reversing the charges.

>**Bison presses a button on his speaker phone, then sits back to
>think about how sweet his plan will be**

Dan [Bison]: Hey, guys! Guess what I just did!
Tsuneo [Shang Tsung]: No idea, do tell me.
Dan [Bison]: Well, you know how all the Earth Realm fighters are
staying in the bunkrooms on the island?
Tsuneo [Shang]: Uh-huh.
Dan [Bison]: Well, I snuck into their bunkrooms in the middle of the
night and did something truly evil!
Tsuneo [Shang]: You murdered them all in their sleep so that we would
win the tournament by default, allowing us to conquer the Earth?
Dan [Bison]: Better!
Tsuneo [Shang]: You used your psycho powers to turn them all against
each other?
Dan [Bison]: Bah! That's below me! No, what I did was truly
magnificent in its vileness!
Tsuneo [Shang]: This ought to be good.
Dan [Bison]: I STOLE CHUN-LI'S SHOES! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[Pause]

Rebecca [Phone noise]
Dan [Bison]: Hello?
Sandra [Cobra Commander]: Moron!
Rebecca: Remember, when CC calls you a moron, you know you've sunk as
low as you can go.

>Bison: Little does she know that I plan to keep her for DNA samples
>then clone her so I can take over the world!!

Tsuneo: Can't you just take those samples from her shoes?
Dan: Don't make Bison think too hard, okay?

>Muhahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!

>Chun-Li: Bison, I can still hear you!!

>Bison: SHIT!!! (scrambles to turn the speaker phone off)

Tsuneo: [Shang] Remind me, why did we hire this guy?
Dan: [Shao Kahn] He's got a really big chin.
Rebecca: And to think, Geese Howard's going hungry.

>Chun-Li: What an idiot. Guys, I'm leaving early tomorrow morning to
>retrieve my stolen footwear!!

Dan: [Johnny] Um, don't we have this little tournament thing about
the fate of the world to deal with first?
Rebecca: [Chun Li] Forget that, I need my shoes!

>Cammy: What the bloody hell are you talking about?

>Chun-Li: Bison stole all my shoes, so I have to go all the way to
>his hideout in the woods to get them back.

Tsuneo: I don't know what's worse. The fact that Bison's master plan
hinges on stealing all her shoes, or the fact that she's obliging him
by going so far out of her way to get them back.
Rebecca: How about the fact that she's more concerned with her
footwear than with the fate of the world?
Sandra: I guess stupidity is universal.

>He'll probably try to keep me for experiments,

Dan: [Bison] Now miss Xiang, you have tasted both drinks. Which one
do *you* prefer? MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

>but I'll just kick him in his mouth,
>provided I can borrow some proper footwear to do so.

Tsuneo: Is there proper footwear for booting Bison in the mouth?
Sandra: You'd need something tough. You'd have to get past his chin
first.

>Sonya: Isn't Bison staying in the same hideout with Shao Kahn and
>Shang Tsung?

Dan: Yeah, but Shao Kahn was voted out in week two.

>Chun-Li: I think so.

>Jax: You can't go there alone!! I'm not playin macho tough guy
>bullshit anymore, I mean it. You'll die if you go up against Kahn
>and Shang Tsung!!

Dan: But if it's only one ratio of each of them and two of her, she
might be able to pull it off.

>Chun-Li: It's all I can do to get my shoes back. That was at least
>$2,000 in shoes that he stole. I have a lot of shoes.

Sandra: [Chun Li] Just call me Imelda.

>Johnny: THIS is the villain you guys are so afraid of? A shoe
>thief?

Rebecca: Well, every now and then he tries to take over the world, but
he's mostly a shoe thief.

>Cammy: He may be an idiot, but his psycho powers are a force to be
>reckoned with.

Dan: And he's a pretty mean trucker too.

>Jax: I'm going with you.

>Chun-Li: What about the tournament?

Tsuneo: What about the tournament?

>Jax: They'll get by.

Rebecca: Let's see, we're leaving them with Ken and Ryu. What could
go wrong?
Tsuneo: They've still got Dan.
Rebecca: Ah. Problem.

>Besides, we already dropped most of the other side's best fighters.

Rebecca: Well, we haven't seen anyone except those who have died. For
all we know, they could still have Scorpion, Reptile, Goro, Kintaro,
Motaro and Urien on their side.
Tsuneo: They've stil got Balrog.
Rebecca: We're fine.

>Sonya: I'm going too. I'm not leaving you two unsupervised in the
>woods together. That means you're coming too, Cage.

Dan: [Johnny] Do I get a say in this?
Rebecca: She's got him properly whipped. I like her.

>Johnny: Oh, man. I hate the wilderness.

Dan: [Johnny] I mean, it's full of wandering monsters and everything.

>Cammy: You can't do this without fire power. I'm coming too.

>Kitana: I shall join you as well.

Tsuneo: [Legolas] You shall have my bow.
Dan: [Gimli] And my axe.
Sandra: And I'll form the head!

>I would like to aid in the
>destruction of Kahn so that I may reclaim the throne.
>Chun-Li: Cool. With all of us there, we can take them down and
>bring my shoes home.

Rebecca: Oh yeah, we'll save the world and all, but shoes are more
important!
Sandra: Actually shoes don't matter. The end result will be Akuma
wandering around in a Mambo shirt inviting Chun Li to kill
everyone, then have pizza and margaritas.
Tsuneo: Now *there's* an image that will haunt me to the end of my days.

>Sonya: Let's get some shuteye. Pack all your essentials and I mean
>ESSENTIALS. No bullshit,

Rebecca: [Chun Li] Well I had no intention of bringing cow dung with
me.

>that means you, Cage and Chun-Li too. I'm taking charge here.

>Johnny: I love it when you take charge!!

>Sonya: (pats Johnny's head) That's because you don't know any
>better, dear. Now run along and go to bed.

Dan: [Johnny] Will you read me a bedtime story?

>**The fighters packed their stuff and went to bed. Sonya woke
>everyone up and rounded them up at the entrance of the Arena.

Sandra: Don't they get any sleep?

Tsuneo: I think there was meant to be a scene break in there
somewhere.

>Cammy had a hard time carrying her weapons.**

Rebecca [Cammy]: But I never go anywhere without my assault rifle,
pistol, grenade launcher, rocket launcher, laser rifle, backpack
power unit, spare clips, grenades, flamethrower, katana, survival
knife, body armour, canteen and atomic yo-yo.
Sandra: Well, I hope you're bringing a jeep along, because you'll
need it to carry all that stuff.
Dan: Ladies and gentlemen, the "Twilight 2000" sketch.

>Sonya: Help Cammy with her guns, Jax.

>Cammy: I don't need any help.

>Chun-Li: Cammy, some of those rifles weigh more than you do.

Rebecca: There were plans for a Cammy GI Joe figure. For some reason,
they wanted to give her the SAW Viper machinegun.

>Let Jax take some stuff.

>Cammy: Oh, fine. (hands Jax a heavy suitcase) These are handguns.

>Gill: (appears in his pajamas) What the hell is going on here?

Tsuneo: Now that's an image that will haunt me for the rest of my
days.

>Chun-Li: We're all leaving. Bison stole all my shoes and we're
>going to get them back.

Sandra: I'm so glad you've all got your priorities straightened out.
Dan: So if everyone here hates each other, why are they all rushing
off to help her find her shoes?
Tsuneo: They're sick of this tournament?

>Gill: What are we going to do without you?

>Chun-Li: You have Ryu and Ken and all them. You can certainly win
>it from here.

Dan: Didn't we say that?

>Gill: Whatever you have to do. Be careful.

>Chun-Li: We will.

Tsuneo: [Gill] And try to get rid of Cammy. She doesn't do anything
for us except soak up pay.
Dan: On the other hand, she's got a good claim to having the finest
arse in the Street Fighter series.

>**Chun-Li and Sonya led the expedition. They caught a ferry to the
>mainland, then crossed the highway and started into the woods.

Dan: Now remind me, this is going from Hong Kong, isn't it?
Tsuneo: Yep.
Dan: So Hong Kong consists of a freeway and a forest?
Tsuneo: The rest moved off-shore in 1997.

>They really didn't know where they were going, but it wouldn't be
>hard to spot a huge villian's hideout in the middle of a forest.

Sandra: The neon signs certainly helped.

>Knowing Bison, it would probably have neon lights.

Rebecca: But... But...

>Chun-Li had to
>borrow some boots from Sonya, and even those were too small.

Rebecca: What is it with you, Chun Li? It's all whinge, whinge, whinge.
First it's the accommodations, then it's having to fight Vega, then it's
the spider on your shoes, and now it's Bison stealing your footwear.
What next, sky too blue for you?

>Chun-Li was used to uncomfortable shoes anyway. Near sunset, they
>stopped to set up camp.**

>Sonya: Jax, pitch that big tent.

>Cammy: He's been staring at Chun-Li the whole way here, so I'm
>sure he's had some practice with pitching tents.

Sandra: B-doom tish.
Rebecca: Now repeat that one joke for the next hour and a half and
you've got any eighties British comedy you care to name.

>Jax: Ha ha. Here, take your handguns. (begins to set the tent up)

Dan: [Johnny] So why'd you make him set up the tent?
Rebecca: [Chun Li] Hopefully he'll get all hot and sweaty.

>Sonya: Cage, what are we having for dinner? I'm starved.

>Johnny: I don't know, but I hope it's good.

Tsuneo: You didn't actually think to bring any food, did you?

>Sonya: (narrows her eyes) What do you mean you don't know? You
>were supposed to pack the food!!!
>Johnny: Oops....I have some non-toxic hair gel if anyone wants
>some...

Tsuneo: I don't believe this.
Sandra: Hey voice, can we go home? The fic's doing it for us.

>Sonya: WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITHOUT FOOD??

Rebecca: Become supermodels?
Sandra: You could eat Johnny.
Dan: How could you do that?
Tsuneo: With some barbeque sauce, maybe.

>Chun-Li: Bison better have a full fridge when I get there.

>Cammy: No doubt he has cream cheese.

Dan: [Bison] Did I mention how delicious and filling this cream
cheese is?
Rebecca: [Chun Li] Forget it, I'll just get some more.
Dan: [Bison] Curses! Foiled by convenience stores!

>Sonya: What if it takes days to reach his hideout?

Sandra: Have you thought about taking the bus?

>We'll never survive!!

Tsuneo: For the life of me, I can't think why this is a bad thing.
Sandra: The very next night, they all voted Johnny off the island.

>Jax: We come from the south, Sonya. Let's catch us some fish.

Tsuneo: I'm trying to figure out how those two lines are related, but
I can't for the life of me.

>Sonya: I guess that's all we can do. Cammy, could you start a fire?

>Cammy: Sure thing. That's my second hobby!!

Rebecca: We don't want to ask about the first.

>Chun-Li: I'll pick some berries!!

>Sonya: I'm sure most of these berries are not edible.

>Chun-Li: Ok, then I'll get some mushrooms...

>Sonya: Stick with the berries.

Sandra: [Chun Li] Okay, how about these funny little plants with the
red dots on the leaves.
Rebecca: [Sonya] Oh, forget it!
Sandra: [Chun Li] Okay then, can we eat the big green dog with all
the red hair?

>Kitana: Hmmm, how can I make myself useful here?

Tsuneo: Here's a hint: The exit's that way.

>Johnny: Sonya says I'm more useful when I sit down and don't touch
>anything or talk to anyone.

Rebecca: I like her.

>Kitana: I shall meditate. (goes to a nearby rock, sits down, and
>meditates.)

Sandra: While you're at it, why don't you pray for divine
intervention?

>**After a few fish were caught, Jax cleaned them and Sonya cooked
>them. Finally, Chun-Li returned with a basket full of berries.**

>Chun-Li: Here, the pink ones are good, the blue ones are sour, and
>the orange ones make you fly!!!

Rebecca: Guess who failed wilderness survival.
Tsuneo: Guess who failed kindergarten.

>Sonya: Next time, stay here.

>Chun-Li: Ok. I've never cooked before.

>Sonya: Do you know how to pitch tents?

>Chun-Li: Well, I've been known to arouse a few men here and there...

Sandra: You did that one a page back.
Rebecca: So it's a Handmade film?

>Sonya: Never mind. Just sit here with Johnny next time and don't
>touch anything.

>**The group piled into the tents and slept among Cammy's weapons**

Dan: Cammy found it strangely arousing.

>Sonya: Everybody up!! It's time to start moving!! I want to be
>there by sunset today!!

Tsuneo: You don't even know where you're going, do you?
Sandra: Yes she does. She found a map showing Bison's secret
headquarters.
Tsuneo: A satellite map?
Sandra: No, a tourist's guide.

>Chun-Li: (yawns) It's too early!!

>Sonya: It's never too early. Let's move, we don't have time to get
>all pretty.

Rebecca: [Sonya] Johnny, that includes you.

>**The fighters took a quick dip in a nearby stream,

Dan: Skinny dipping?
Rebecca: No, they washed with all their clothes on.
Sandra: It's not a proper trail march unless you come out of it
covered in crap.

>then got
>dressed and were on their way. They stopped for a break because
>Chun-Li's feet hurt and Johnny was getting dizzy from hunger**

Tsuneo: Then they stopped for another break because Jax needed to
go. Then they stopped for another one because Cammy wanted a drink.
Finally Johnny and Jax spotted a petting zoo by the road and the
trip was a total waste.

>Johnny: I can't take much more of this!! I need food!!

Dan: You had breakfast five minutes ago.
Tsuneo: [Johnny] But it wasn't catered!

>Chun-Li: I have some Midol in my back pocket. They don't taste
>very good, but once you start getting hunger cramps, they'll work.

>**They heard some rustling in the bushes**

>Sonya: What was that?

Dan: Twenty says it's Ken and Jade.
Rebecca: Any second, Ryu's going to blunder in and mention Eliza.
Then it'll all get messy.

>Cammy: (grabs her rifle) Who cares? Let's kill it!!

>Jax: it sounds like footsteps!

>**Out of the bushes came a tall woman with long brown hair in a
>braid.

Sandra: In actual fact, it's Seung Mina on platform shoes.

>She was dressed for the occasion, in a tank top, shorts,
>big brown hiking boots, and gun holsters. She wore red-mirrored
>sunglasses.

Rebecca: Hey, Scott Summers wants those back.
Dan: [Cyclops] Oh no! I've lost my glasses! My horrible, horrible
mutant powers may run amok and slightly injure some small bird,
and that would be a horrible tragedy that would make my life not
worth living!
Sandra: Wait until he finds out they've run out of toilet paper.
Rebecca: And now for the Grant Morrison version.
Dan: [Cyclops as Snake] Fry, piggy.

>She looked around at the group, puzzled to see other
>travelers in the otherwise vacant forest**

Tsuneo: Surprised? She could hear them a mile away.
Sandra: What was really surprising was the small Cambodian girl
trying to give her a bunch of flowers.

>Cammy: Hands in the air!!! (points her rifle at the woman)

>**The woman smiled and continued to walk around, examining the
>group of fighters.

Tsuneo: So Cammy shot her.

>She was not at all afraid of Cammy's gun.**

Rebecca: [Lara Croft] Sorry dear, but it's just not *big* enough.
Sandra: [Cammy] But I was swimming! There was shrinkage!

>Chun-Li: Uhh...Hi there....My name's Chun-Li....

Dan: Chun Li hasn't felt this *overwhelmed* since the Mark of the
Millennium tournament.
Rebecca: [Lara] Me bouncy!

>Woman: (tips her glasses down and extends her hand) Lara Croft.

>Chun-Li: LARA CROFT!! You're the famous explorer!!

Rebecca: [Chun Li] You're under arrest for numerous counts of murder,
theft, property damage, selling stolen goods, poaching, hunting
endangered species and doing unspeakable things to defenceless monks.
Sandra: [Deadpan] As a Chinese police officer, Chun Li is outraged
that Lara is doing her job for her.

>Lara: I prefer the term Tomb Raider, but yes.

Sandra: [Lara] It adds a certain mystique to a completely illegal
profession.

>Johnny: Wow!! I can't believe I'm seeing Lara Croft standing
>right here in front of me!! They're even bigger in real life!!

Dan: She's actual size.

>Sonya: (smacks Johnny) I'm Sonya Blade. I run shit around here.

>This is Cammy, Jax, Kitana, and my dumb ass boyfriend, Johnny Cage.

Rebecca: So why the hell does she stay with him if he's such a
dumbass?
Dan: In high school, they called him 'Horse.'

>Lara: Johnny Cage, huh? I've seen your films. They're quite bad.

Dan: [Johnny, muttered] Better than yours.

>**Lara was like a god. Her movements were perfectly graceful and
>not at all rushed. She spoke perfect English, with a lovely British
>accent, upper class London, rather than Cammy's rough Manchester
>brogue. She had a perfect body, perfect face, perfect equipment,
>and perfect perfection. The men drooled and the women felt inferior
>in her presence.**

Rebecca: Please forgive the authour if his typing goes downhill from
here. He just got his keyboard all sticky.
Tsuneo: I'd hit you, but it's probably true.

>Cammy: (lowers her gun) Pleased to meet you.

>Lara: From Manchester, are you? I could tell by your accent. Ah,
>I've been there once or twice. Lovely folk. They certainly know
>how to hold their liquor.

>Cammy: Yes, we do our share of drinking. Me, I'm a military gal
>meself. I enjoy firearms more than anything else.

Rebecca: So I guess Lesbian is your second preference.
Sandra: Lara must be her ideal girl then.

>Lara: I'm a weapons type of girl myself, if you haven't noticed.

>Chun-Li: I never see a picture of you without your guns.

Tsuneo: Hey, check it out. It's the Lara Croft 'Lingerie and firearms'
calendar 2002.
Dan: PHWOAR! Look at the bazookas on March!

>Actually, if you don't have your guns, you have a cigar.

Sandra: So glad she's being a responsible role model.

>Lara: I do enjoy a fine Cuban once in a while.

>Chun-Li: I've done some Cubans, too. They're rather loud though
>and they scream words in Spanish during sex that I can't
>understand...

Tsuneo: Chun Li, just shut up.
Dan: No need to on my account. [Rebecca hits him with a cushion]

>Cammy: (rolls her eyes) It's bad enough we're starving to death,
>now we have to listen to more of her sexual experiences.

>Lara: (takes a seat next to Chun-Li) What brings you all here,
>anyway?

Rebecca: [Cammy] Our feet.
Sandra: [Chun Li] Our very sore feet.

>Sonya: We're looking for a building in the middle of this forest.

Tsuneo: They're taking a basket of goodies to grandmother's house.
Dan: Why does she live so far out in the forest?
Tsuneo: It's Kitana's grandmother. Can you imagine what she looks
like?

>Lara: Well, I do hope you find it before I do because I'm going
>to blow it up.

Dan: [Bison] OI! No fair! You're meant to blunder into my humorous
yet ineffectual deathtraps first!
Rebecca: [Chun Li] Sorry Bison, but we've got better things to do.
Dan: [Bison] Aww...

>Chun-Li: Why are you going to do that?

Sandra: [Lara] Well, then they'll send in an MCV so I can destroy
the enemy base.

>Cammy: Who cares? I want to watch!!

Rebecca: Is it just me, or is Cammy getting a little too excited
by all this?

>Lara: I'm looking for an artifact and some bloody yank built a
>rather manky looking structure right above it. I want my
>artifact, so the building shall be collapsed.

Sandra: Oh well, she's had her token bit of talking like a Brit.
Now we can get on with the fic.
Rebecca: I don't see Cammy talking like a Brit.

>Sonya: Well, we know the guy who built that joint

Rebecca: [Sonya] He didn't have a permit.

>and he stole from Chun-Li.

Rebecca: [Lara] So what did he steal?
Sandra: [Chun Li] Let's not go into that, okay?

>We're going there to get her shoes back. After
>that, feel free to blow the guy up.

Rebecca: [Lara] So let me get this straight. You people are
trekking through the wilderness to hunt down a dangerous madman and
force him to give you your shoes back. I'm going to back away slowly
now.

>Lara: I was going to evacuate the premises before I conducted the
>explosion, but I can arrange otherwise if you don't care for it's
>current inhabitants.

Dan: Well that's a very wordy way of putting it.
Tsuneo: He wanted to remind us that she's cultured and educated too.

>Chun-Li: That'd be great, as long as I can get to my shoes first.

Dan: Shoes, shoes, shoes! It's all shoes with you, isn't it?

>Lara: Then we'll go there together. No sense in splitting up if
>we're going the same way and you seem like a jolly bunch, so let's
>be off.

>**They got up and started following Lara**

Dan: Johnny was more than happy to follow her.
Rebecca: Any reason why these supposedly self-reliant people are
following her around like lost puppies?
Tsuneo: She knows where it is.

>Sonya: You don't happen to have any food with you, do you?

>Lara: I travel very lightly. I never bring food on my travels. I
>always find some way to keep from starving to death.

Tsuneo: At least that explains her waist.
Sandra: [Lara] Usually some random animal leaps out and I kill it.
Purely in self-defence, of course.

>Johnny: We're starving!!

>Cammy: When we set up camp tonight, we'll kill some more animals
>to eat, don't you worry.

Sandra: Don't sound like you're going to enjoy this or anything.

>Lara: Camp? What for?

Dan: Sleep, maybe?

>Sonya: Well, we gotta sleep sometime!

>Lara: The only time I ever sleep during my adventures is when I
>get clocked in the back of the head with a wrench by one of
>Bartoli's thugs. Otherwise, I travel during the night as well.

Dan: And if there's no thugs around?
Rebecca: Then she collapses from exhaustion, obviously.

>Chun-Li: How long will it be?

>Lara: If we don't stop, we'll be there by noon tomorrow,

Tsuneo: If they keep going at this rate, it'll be a few years.

>but if we camp out as you suggest, it could be longer.
>Sonya: I'm all for roughing it,

Rebecca: [Sonya] So we'll arrive in no condition to face the
strangely stupid villains we know are waiting for us.

>but I don't think anyone else here can live like that.

Tsuneo: Poor Johnny's had to go without his makeup and hair crew.

>Lara: Very well, then. I doubt that my artifact is going anywhere.

Dan: Unbeknownst to her, Indiana Jones was just now entering the
base through the back door.

>**The group stopped and set up camp.

Rebecca: Despite the fact they were indoors, there was still a
starry sky overhead, a tree, some rocks and a campfire.
Tsuneo: Super dated obscurity bonus.

>Sonya and Cammy left to catch
>food. They were nowhere near water, so they took the guns and
>hoped to catch some game.

Dan: Do you really need all that ordinance?
Sandra: As someone who used to scavenge to get by, yes they do. You'd
be surprised how dangerous a can of beans can be when cornered and
wounded.

>Jax set up the tents and fire while Kitana meditated,

Dan: All she ever does is meditate!
Rebecca: Would you rather she joined in the scintillating conversation?
Tsuneo: [Kitana] My subplot's been neatly wrapped up, so I don't
actually do anything anymore.
Sandra: Actually, she's trying to psychically contact her agent.

>and Lara sat with Chun-Li and Johnny.**

>Lara: So, where are you all coming from?

>Chun-Li: We're from the Mortal Kombat tournament. We were
>participating in it when I got a call saying that Bison had taken
>my shoes.

Sandra: [Chun Li] So naturally we dropped everything, left the fate
of the world hanging, and rushed off to find them.
Rebecca: [Lara] Oh, I can understand why, trust me.
Dan: [Johnny] You can?
Rebecca: [Lara] If someone had gone and stolen all my underwear, I'd
drop everything and head right after them. Do you know how expensive
those 56Es are?
Dan: Actually, do you know who *did* steal Lara's underwear?
Tsuneo: Do I really want to know?
Dan: Ayane from Dead or Alive.
Sandra: [Ayane] At last! Support!

>Lara: Mortal Kombat, huh? I've heard of this before. So, you must
>all be the best martial artists in the world.

>Jax: We're not necessarily martial artists. Me and Cammy have never
>practiced martial arts.

Tsuneo: So special forces training doesn't count?
Dan: It doesn't teach you to throw fireballs.
Tsuneo: Unless you're Guile. Or Charlie. Or Sonya.

>Johnny: Most of us have, though. Bison, the druglord

Tsuneo: Bison's been reduced to just a drug lord?
Dan: Yeah, well after Ryu totalled everything and his trucking
business collapsed, he had nothing else to resort to.
Rebecca: Unfortunately, it wasn't a very popular move so he just
repackaged all his troops as urban combat specialists.

>who owns the
>building that you're gonna blow up has been terrorizing the Street
>Fighter tournaments for years.

Tsuneo: Something to do with the fact that he runs it.

>He teamed up with the emperor of
>outworld and his sorcerer and challenged Earth realm to Mortal
>Kombat. So, Street Fighter Merged with Mortal Kombat.

Rebecca: In the end, Bison got control of 51% of the Mortal Kombat
shares.

>Chun-Li: I'm from Street Fighter. Bison killed my father.

Sandra: From a certain point of view.
Rebecca [Chun Li]: You killed my father!
Dan [Bison]: I *AM* your father!
Tsuneo: ...well that was totally messed up.

>Johnny: I'm from Mortal Kombat. My career sucks.

Sandra: Well you just plain suck, Johnny.

>Lara: Sounds like some shady business. What brings you to the
>tournaments, Jackson?

Dan [Jax]: Sweet, sweet fighter arse. Can you dig it?

>Jax: Only my mother calls me Jackson!! I'm here because of Sonya.
>It's all Sonya's fault. She entered Mortal Kombat on a mission to
>arrest Kano, the one who murdered her original partner. She got
>captured and as her new partner in Special Forces, I had to go
>into the next tournament to save her ass. Ever since, we've been
>goin together.

Sandra: Does Johnny know about this?

>Lara: That's interesting. You all seem to lead rather stressful
>lives.

Rebecca [Lara]: I'm glad all I have to deal with is animated stone
statues, dinosaurs and the odd great white shark.

>Chun-Li: I would love to be like you and just travel all over the
>world, discovering ancient artifacts!

>Lara: It's what I live for. It sure beats boredom. What do you do
>for a living?

>Chun-Li: I'm a cop. Interpol, that is.

Sandra: [Lara] Oh look, is that the time? Sorry, must be off, I've
got an appointment with my cosmetic surgeon.

>Lara: International Police? I've had some trouble with them before.

Sandra: [Lara] They got really angry when I gunned a whole lot of
them down in cold blood. Can't imagine why. Say, what are you
looking at?
Rebecca: [Chun Li] A promotion and a huge Christmas bonus.

>Chun-Li: I remember that. Killing endangered species, killing
>guards, killing criminals, killing Shaolin monks, and killing
>cannibalistic south pacific natives...

Rebecca [Chun Li]: Stop muscling in on my turf!

>Lara: Those monks were not my fault. They got in my way.

Sandra: Oh yeah, they all *accidentally* leapt in front of her
bullets.

>**Sonya and Cammy ran up with their guns**

>Cammy: JAX!!

Tsuneo: Time for you to actually do something around here.

>Jax: What?

Sandra: Special guest appearance by Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Dan [Austin]: What?!

>Sonya: We shot a big ass deer!! We can't carry it ourselves.

>C'mon, Mr. Metal Arms. Time to go to work.

Dan: [Jax] All the ladies need Jax.

>Jax: Damnit!!

>**Jax left and returned with the deer carcass around his neck.

Tsuneo: Just wait until they skin it and find out it's actually a
survival nut.
Dan: Oh no! They got Bambi's mother!

>Sonya and Cammy were proud of their catch.

Dan: Yup, it's a keeper!

>Cammy began to skin and cut the meat.**

Tsuneo: So she learned to skin and carve game animals in the army?
Rebecca: Being British special forces, she gets lots of practice
on the IRA.

>Chun-Li: Cammy, that's gross!

Sandra: She's not even using the right fork.

>Cammy: You're such a girl, Chun-Li.

Rebecca: [Chun Li] Yes, I am.

[Long pause]

Sandra: [Cammy] Oh. That's okay then.

>It's food, so don't complain.

Dan: Yes, but is it Kosher?

>Sonya: It's not her fault that my boyfriend forgot the food.

Dan: [Johnny] That's right, just blame everything on Johnny, why don't
you?
Rebecca: [Sonya] Well you *did* forget the food.
Dan: [Johnny] So? Is that any reason to hold it against me?

>Lara: Venison is fine with me. Skinning the deer is a rather
>unpleasant sight, though.

>Cammy: It's blood and guts, one of my favorites.

Tsuneo: I've given up worrying about this twisted Cammy clone.

>Kitana: Such strange beasts you have in your realm!

Sandra: [Kitana] One of them's skinning that deer.
Rebecca: I mean, at home she gets much more normal-looking creatures
like the woolly hexapedal hullabaloo, the wild funky buffalo and the
lesser gerund.

>Lara: Where are you from, Kitana?

>Kitana: I am from the realm of Edenia, located in outworld.

Rebecca: [Lara] Fascinating. Any priceless artefacts there?

>Lara: Ah ha. And what do you do there?

Sandra: [Kitana] Meditate, mostly.

>Kitana: I am princess of outworld.

Dan: Every now and then she finds a wealthy millionaire and runs off
with him.

>The only time I leave Shao
>Kahn's palace is to participate in Mortal Kombat.

Sandra: Curfew's a bitch in the Outworld. I'd hate to think what
would happen if she asked to borrow Shao Kahn's car.
Rebecca [Kitana]: Fake dad, can I borrow the car tonight?
Dan [Shao Khan]: Why do you need it?
Rebecca [Kitana]: Me and Reptile were going to meet up with Ermac
and Noob Saibot, go down to Smoke's burgers and possibly see a movie
or terrorise the eternally damned.
Dan [Shao Khan]: Promise to be back by eleven?
Rebecca [Kitana]: Yes, fake dad.
Dan [Shao Khan]: All right, but I don't want to find a single speck
of blood on it!
Rebecca [Kitana]: Thanks, fake dad!
Dan [Shao Khan]: And don't forget to refill it! It only takes
unleaded souls!

>Lara: Isn't Shao Kahn evil?

Tsuneo: It depends on your definition of evil, but in general: yes.
Yes, he is.

>Kitana: Yes. He kidnapped my sister, my mother, and I from our
>realm, captured and killed all of its inhabitants, and adopted us as
>his family.

Tsuneo: I'd say that's a yes.
Dan: He could just be misunderstood.

>I am heir to the throne, so I am trying to find a way to
>kill Kahn and restore outworld to its original beauty.

Sandra: The fact that you'd then be the number one banana is a fringe
benefit.

>Lara: Hmmm, That's interesting. Are your sister and mother helping
>in these efforts?

>Kitana: Kahn drove my mother to suicide may years ago and I recently
>killed my sister.

Rebecca: [Lara] Whoops, I really put my foot in that one.
Sandra: [Kitana] Don't worry, it happens all the time.
Rebecca [Lara]: So that little faux pas is forgiven?
Sandra [Kitana]: I was referring to me killing my sister.

>Lara: Why would you do that?

Rebecca: [Kitana] She refused to share.

>Sonya: Her sister was evil.

Tsuneo: I love this black and white world view.
Sandra: Are you sure she wasn't just morally ambiguous?

>I knew her and she was one mean bitch. See, she had these teeth...

Tsuneo: Most people do.

>Kitana: My sister would have killed me if she had had the chance.

Dan: You know what's the problem with families these days? They
just don't talk to each other.
Rebecca: Dan, your sister keeps trying to kill you! You can't talk!
Dan: Yeah, but at least we keep in touch.

>Lara: So, you're all alone in this?

>Kitana: Liu Kang once was on my side, but he deserted me.

Dan: He kinda got eaten and all.
Rebecca: I recall that you were the one who dumped *him* and fed him
to your sister.

>Sonya: Liu was her boy toy. He was the chosen one and it kinda went
>to his head.

Rebecca: Next thing you know, he was wandering around waving a guitar
with the Harris boys in tow.

>Lara: I see, so this must be taking you a while.

>Kitana: I have been trying to achieve the same goal for 7,000 years.

Dan: Thank god for save points.

>Lara: Gosh, that's a long time.

Sandra: No, really?

>Well, if the dynamite does as the label says,

Dan: She bought a handy pack of dynamite at a 7-11. It's got
instructions on the packet.

>Kahn will be no more once I blow his fortress to
>smithereens.

Rebecca: Isn't it kind of against the rules of the tournament to
sneak into the bosses' base and blow him up before the final round?
Dan: Yeah, but it's against the rules to steal people's shoes.
Rebecca: They've got rules for that?
Dan: Oh, yeah. Once you start stealing shoes, anything goes.

>Chun-Li: This is gonna be great!! Think about it, all of our
>problems will be solved after Lara knocks the hideout down.

Sandra: It's amazing what explosives can do for you.

>Cammy: Now I'll never know about my past!!

>Chun-Li: Honey, you don't WANT to know about your past.

>**The group, with their newfound member ate their venison and went
>to bed.**

Dan: And then they all woke up when Johnny wanted a midnight snack.

>Chun-Li: Look at all this dead animal that's going to waste!!

Rebecca: That's not a very nice thing to say about Johnny.

>Sonya: Yep, that's a lot of deer.

Tsuneo: Turns out no-one was hungry last night after all.
Sandra: Oh, that's right. You bitch about being hungry for hours,
then when you finally get some food, you have a small piece then leave
the rest on the side of your plate.
Dan: What do you think this is, a date or something?

>Cammy: We didn't eat even half of it!! It's rather silly if you
>think about.

Dan: EVERYTHING around here is.

>Sonya: Heh, heh...

Rebecca: [Sonya] Dead animals are funny.

>**Everyone had gotten up early and got ready to go. Cammy, Sonya,
>and Chun-Li were admiring the massive animal carcass they were
>leaving behind.**

Sandra: What did they bring down, a frelling moose?

>Lara: My, that's a rather nasty sight.

Dan: [Johnny] It's morning hair! It happens to everyone!

>Let's be on our way.

>Chun-Li: I wanna get there before I hit menopause so I'll still
>have enough bone strength to kick Bison's ass.

>Lara: Then we're off.

Tsuneo: Can someone please, PLEASE tell me what's the point of all this?

>**The fighters had a long hike ahead of them. Lara didn't allow
>breaks, so toward the middle of the afternoon,

Rebecca: Jax exploded.

>they were not very
>happy and were getting on each other's nerves. There were the times
>that tried men's souls.**

Dan: Are we going to have to put up with *another* scene of pointless
bitching?
Sandra: It's like watching an Australian soap opera.

>Chun-Li: My feet are killing me!! Let me tell ya, we're havin corns
>for dinner tonight, folks.

>Cammy: That's disgusting!!

Rebecca: By now, so are her feet.

>Sonya: Sounds good to me. I'd eat anything at this point.

>Johnny: Yeah, I'm starving!!

Dan: [Johnny] Say... Why are you all looking at me like that?
Rebecca: Oh come on, nobody would eat Johnny.
Tsuneo: Thank you. Enough of the cannibalism jokes.
Rebecca: It's plainly obvious that Jax has more meat on him.
Tsuneo: ...
Sandra: Yeah, all the girls have been trying to get their hands on
Jax's 'meat.'
Tsuneo: That does it.
Rebecca: Oh no.
Sandra: What'd I do?

[Tsuneo stands up and walks to the computer desk. He fiddles with
a power plug, and the entire apartment blacks out. An enormous
neon sign appears out of nowhere, showing the words 'DON'T GO
THERE']

Sandra: Me and my big mouth. I'll just sit here and shut up.
Voice: Tsuneo?
Tsuneo: Oh, all right.

[Tsuneo switches off the sign, which promptly vanishes. The lights
all switch back on. He resumes his seat]

Rebecca: See, Tango *is* good for something.

>Chun-Li: Me, too. (pulls something out of her pocket and puts it in
>her mouth when she thinks nobody's looking)

>Cammy: What was that??

>Chun-Li: What was what?

>Cammy: YOU HAVE FOOD!!!

Dan: Say, didn't anyone think to package some of that deer and take
it with them?

>Chun-Li: (starts to back away) I don't know what you're talking
>about!!

Sandra: [Chun Li] I deny everything. I wasn't there at the time.
Besides which, only amateurs make that much noise.

>Johnny: FOOD? WHO HAS FOOD?

>Chun-Li: (pulls a bag of peanuts out of her pocket)

Rebecca: [Reading] May contain traces of peanuts.

>THEY'RE MINE, ALL MINE!!!!

>Sonya: YOU BITCH!!! (runs toward Chun-Li)

Rebecca: Thelma and Louise's cross-county rampage was cut tragically
short when Thelma hogged all the snacks.

>Chun-Li: THEY'RE AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS!!!! (runs back down the path)

>Cammy: AFTER HER!!

All: ...
Rebecca: We're laughing. No, really, we are.
Sandra: Ha ha ha whoopee.

>**Cammy led the chase after Chun-Li for her peanuts. Jax, Kitana,
>and Lara stayed behind.**

Sandra: You know why Kitana's not getting hungry?
Dan: No, why?
Sandra: Slow metabolism. Reeeaaally slow metabolism.

>Lara: They could have at least run this way.

>Jax: They ain't gonna stop until she falls down or they catch up
>and tackle her.

>**Jax's second theory proved true. Chun-Li returned dirty and beat
>up.

Dan: Were her clothes strategically torn?
Rebecca: No, but she'd fallen and twisted her ankle.

>Cammy, Sonya, and Johnny were ravenously inhaling the peanuts.**

Tsuneo: And choking on them.

>Chun-Li: I'm bigger, I need more food than you guys do.

>Cammy: That's a crock!! Maybe if I eat more I'll grow.

Dan: Have you considered platform shoes?

>Lara: Well, that took 20 minutes off of our good timing. I hope it
>was worth it.

>Sonya: (with her mouth full) It was!!

Sandra: What did she do, eat the whole packet?
Dan: Here's a hint, Sonya. You don't eat the foil bit.

>**Soon, the peanuts were gone

Rebecca: Life would never be the same again.
Sandra: Charles Schultz, we miss you.

>and the group was on their way again.
>It was late at night when they arrived at the clearing where the
>building stood. They decided to camp out close to the clearing and
>go into the hideout tomorrow morning.

Rebecca: In the meantime, Rinoa's still holding on for dear life.

>They didn't attempt to catch
>any food for fear that they would be discovered.

Tsuneo: Which is why they're camping out in plain sight of the
hideout. [He nods sagely]

>They slept in their tents and awoke late the next morning.**

>Lara: Ah ha, you're all up. I've been up since 4:00 AM, my cigar and
>I.

[Tsuneo holds up a wall plug]

Rebecca: What? I wasn't going to say a thing.

>Get ready and we'll make our grand entrance.

>Chun-Li: Finally!! I can get out of these stupid boots!!

>Sonya: Hey, I like those boots!

>Chun-Li: They'd be great if they weren't 2 1/2 sizes too small.

Tsuneo: ENOUGH WITH THE SHOES ALL READY!
Rebecca [Chun Li] & Sandra [Sonya]: Sorry.

>**Everyone got all prettied up

Dan: Luckily they had a portable makeup table with them.
Rebecca: 'Prettied up?' Even Jax and Johnny?

>and headed for the building, which
>stood about 3 stories high and had signs that read:
>"Bison's Hideout"

>or

>"Free Illegal drugs For All"

>or

>"Bad Guys"

Tsuneo: I'll just keep my damned mouth shut from here on in, shall I?
Rebecca: Bison's a subtle kind of a villain.

>Chun-Li approached the giant red doors and rang the bell. They could
>hear the giant gong go off inside the building.**

Dan: [Lurch] You rang?

>Lara: Hmmmm, the police will never find him here.

Sandra: I mean. who would suspect that he's hiding out in a huge fortress
covered in neon signs advertising his presence.
Tsuneo: It could be a bluff.
Sandra: Cops aren't smart enough to think of that. I should know, I used
to be one.

>Chun-Li: His psycho powers are remarkable,

Rebecca: He has the power of Oooooh!
Dan: *And* the knee-press nightmare.

>but he was never a smart criminal by any means.

Sandra: Would a *smart* criminal employ Balrog? I think not.
Dan: No, he'd employ Mature and Vice.
Rebecca: Smart, not horny, Dan.

>Bison: (opens the door) Ahh, Chun-Li, I've been expecting you.

Sandra: [Chun Li] Do you expect me to talk?
Dan: [Bison] No, I expect you to die!

>Who are all these people?

Rebecca [Chun Li]: Them? They're just some extras hired for this scene.
Dan [Johnny]: We're the Warner Brothers!

>Chun-Li: Some friends. Now, I'm here for my shoes. Hand them over.

Tsuneo: What, that's it? "Hi there, hand over the shoes?" No pleasantries?
No social chat? No cup of tea? You young people are so rude.
Sandra: She's following police procedure.
Tsuneo: But she's on holidays.
Sandra: So she has no life.

>Bison: Come in. Leave all your friends at the door,

Sandra: Bison's got a very strict dress code, I see.

>because I'll
>never be able to capture you for illegal experimentation

Rebecca: You know, all this time he was after Ryu and it was just to see
if he would have any allergic reactions to certain eyeshadows.

>with all
>these witnesses...oops, I gave myself away again, didn't I?

[They all nod]

>Chun-Li: You're a retard.

[They all nod again]

>Either let us all in or we force our way in.

>Bison: Fine, I have 2 other accomplices with me anyway.

>**Everyone entered the doors and followed Bison into a room with a
>card table, where Shao Kahn and Shang Tsung were playing 'Old
>Maid'. Bison approached his chair, which was surrounded by size 10
>1/2 women's shoes.**

Tsuneo [Shang]: I'll see your hiking boot and raise you a bunny slipper.
Dan [Shao]: Right. Got any threes?
Tsuneo [Shang]: Nope. Go fish.
Dan [Shao]: Damn. I'll see your bunny slipper and raise you a tennis
shoe.
Tsuneo [Shang]: So let's see what you got.
Dan [Shao]: Straight flush.
Tsuneo [Shang]: Damn. Say, what the hell game are we playing?
Dan [Shao]: No idea, buddy. No idea.

>Shao Kahn: KITANA!! What are you doing with these mortals?

>Kitana: These are my true and loyal friends, Kahn. I will see you
>die today!!

Tsuneo: This is the part of the fic we like to call the "Denouement",
which is French for "Beating up the bad guys".

>Shang Tsung: Sonya Blade, it is good to see you again. My pigeons
>hunger for your blood once again.

Dan: In the world of truly effective threats... that one doesn't even
register.
Tsuneo: Say, where is Shinnok during all this?
Sandra: Elsewhere, laughing himself silly.

>Sonya: I entered your stupid tournament for the last time, Shang
>Tsung. You're going down!!

Rebecca: So if you hate it so much, why did she enter?
Sandra: Well, there's the saving the world bit, but mainly so she can
put it on her resume.

>Bison: What is all this crazy talk about you killing us? (hugs one
>of Chun-Li's peatforms)

Rebecca: Parents, now might be a good time to take your kids from the
room.

>What are you puny little brats going to do to me?

Tsuneo: How about take you on at seven on one odds-
Dan: But there's three of them.
Tsuneo: Do you see Shao Kahn or Shan Tsung getting involved here?
Dan: Good point.
Tsuneo: -Take you on at seven on one odds and belt the living crap
out of you?

>Chun-Li: we have something planned. Just give me my shoes and
>nobody gets hurt!!

Sandra: ...somehow, I think the effect was lost there.

>Bison: Come and get them!!!

>Chun-Li: FINE!! (charges at Bison)

>Bison: Kahn!! Put her friends in a forcefield so they won't
>interfere!!

Dan: [Kahn] Oi! Who's the evil overlord of Outworld and who's the big-
chinned loser around here?

>**Shao Kahn made a bubble around the group, which even Cammy's
>bullets couldn't pierce. Chun-Li was trapped with the 3 villains.**

Dan: Well that was surprisingly easy.
Tsuneo: It makes you wonder why the three of them didn't join forces and
just wipe out everyone before.
Sandra: It makes you wonder what Shang Tsung is actually doing around
here.

>Bison: (rises) Psycho Crusher!!!

>**Chun-Li dodged Bison's attack

Rebecca: You want to know why Bison doesn't get any respect? It's
because his two biggest attacks are so easy to dodge.
Sandra: That, and the "Bison the evil Trucker" ending to Street Fighter
movie.
Rebecca: True.
Sandra: And the chin.
Rebecca: Good point.
Sandra: And the love-a-licious Cammy clones.
Rebecca: Can't argue with that.
Sandra: And losing the villain role to Akuma, the Shoto Scrub.
Rebecca: Very true.
Sandra: And Street Fighter V.
Rebecca: Yeah, we get the picture.
Sandra: And the fact that he employs Balrog.
Rebecca: ...You won that one.
Sandra: First time in my life.

>and came at him with every move she
>had. She used her Kikoken fireball, Spinning Birdkick, Lightning
>kick, and other favorites.

Sandra: Then, when that didn't work, she kicked him in the bedflute.
Dan: Ouch.
Tsuneo: The... what?
Dan [Pained]: You don't want to know. [Sandra grins]

>Finally, she drove her foot into his
>face, breaking his cheekbone**

Rebecca: All this over some shoes. I'd hate to think what she'd do to
him for something serious.
Tsuneo: Like, say, killing her father?
Sandra: Forget him, shoes are what's important!

>Bison: Ouch!!! Fine, take your damn shoes!!

Tsuneo: That's it? One kick and it's over?
Sandra: Would you rather they dragged it out?
Tsuneo: I'll just shut up again.

>Chun-Li: And don't ever steal my shit again!!

Dan [Bison]: Not even a little bit?
Rebecca [Chun Li]: No.
Dan [Bison]: Not even something you'd never miss, like that stick
of soggy brown celery in your fridge?
Rebecca [Chun Li]: NO!

>Bison: Whatever. Kahn, release her friends.

>**Shao Kahn removed the bubble from Chun-Li's friends.**

Sandra: And then he removed it from around Sonya, Johnny, Jax, Cammy,
Kitana and Lara.

>Chun-Li: (packs her shoes in a huge trunk, while everyone stood
>quietly.) GOTCHA!!! (runs and flying sidekicks bison's chest,
>sending him crashing against the back wall)

Tsuneo: Right now, Bison's probably wishing he hadn't stolen those
damned shoes in the first place.
Rebecca: Right now, Bison's wishing his parents had practiced safe sex.

>Bison: Seize them!!!

Sandra: And now we've walked into an episode of Herculoids. Whoopee.
Rebecca: So Zorak's going to change colour in a minute.
Tsuneo: Wrong badly-animated, poorly-written, cheesy 60's Hanna-Barberra
show.
Rebecca: But they're all the same!

>**Guards came from every corner of the hideout and tried to capture
>the group**

Tsuneo: Expendables enter en masse to fight off the so-called heroes
of this fic. I give them two minutes, tops.

>Shao Kahn: Kitana, you're coming with me!!

>Kitana: NEVER!!!! (whips her fans out and starts slicing Kahn)

>Kahn: Ouch!! Owwwwww!! Yeouch!! Gee, that really smarts!!!! Stop it!!!!

Tsuneo: Some boss monster you turned out to be.
Rebecca: She's furious. He just tried to ground her for the next century
and a half.

>**Meanwhile, everyone else battled the guards. Cammy made all her
>friends hit the deck and she took all the guards out with her rifle.
>Chun-Li had beaten Bison senseless. Kahn and Shang Tsung were taken
>down by Cammy's gun. **

Tsuneo: Beaten by Cammy. That's almost as low as you can go.
Dan: Almost?
Tsuneo: It wasn't R. Mika, Dee Jay or Hugo.

>Cammy: Let's get the bloody hell out of here!!!

>**When they got to the doors, they were locked. Besides 2 layers of
>wood, they were steel in the middle. There was no way they could get
>out the same way they came in.

Tsuneo: Didn't check to see if any of the baddies had the key, did you?
Rebecca: Can't they just use their Incredible Chi Powers to just fireball
the doors down?
Sandra: One would assume so.

>A voice called to them from behind.
>When they turned around, there stood Jade, wearing a bikini.**

Tsuneo: This is going to sound like a stupid question, but *why* is
Jade hanging around in the Villains' lair in a bikini?
Dan: Shao Kahn needed his Mighty Hammer serviced.

[Rebecca and Sandra deliver a vicious cushion beatdown on him]

>Jade: Come on, I know the way out!!

Tsuneo: Oh my, what an incredibly convenient plot device.

>Sonya: This better be a really big explosion, because otherwise,
>this would be a really shitty day.

Dan: Oh come on, you've just killed the three top villains in your
respective games and saved the world with only minimal effort. I
think it's been pretty good so far.
Tsuneo: I think Chun Li's excessive whinging got to her.

>Chun-Li: Hurry up!! I can't hold these goddamn shoes much longer!!

Sandra: Chun Li? I think it's time you made an important decision. Your
life, or your shoes.
Rebecca [Chun Li]: Let me think about this.

>Jade: Then follow me!!

Dan: [Johnny] I have no problem with that plan.

>**Jade led them to a hidden door in the back. Lara planted her
>dynamite

Sandra: -On Jade.
Rebecca [Lara]: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought that was a flying butress.
Sandra [Jade]: Like you can talk.

>and other explosives around the building and set up a
>detonator in the bushes. Everyone huddled around her

Sandra: [Lara] Not that close! SMACK!

>and she set the
>explosives off. The building fell to the ground and some parts were
>set afire.**

Tsuneo: Look at that. You can tell that's just a cardboard prop from
here. It's blatantly obvious.
Dan: They got it at a Toho yard sale.

>Lara: Well, those rather unpleasant chaps were on the first floor at
>the time of the explosion, so they are most certainly dead.

All: Nobody could have survived that.

>Chun-Li: Finally, I have peace!! Oh yeah, and my father's soul can
>rest and all that crap.

Tsuneo: ...
Rebecca: See? She does have her priorities straight.
Tsuneo: Isn't that a bit harsh?
Rebecca: Her shoes never made her eat Brussels sprouts.

>Now, all I need is some Dr Scholl's foot pads
>and I'll be back to normal. Here are your boots, Sonya.

>Sonya: Thanks. Well, let's go get that artifact!!

>Lara: Good idea!!

>**Everyone dug and dug, until they finally hit something.

Tsuneo: Say, wouldn't it have made more sense for them to get the
artefact and *then* blow up the building, rather than risking it being
destroyed in the explosion?
Sandra: Yes, but this is a fic in which Gil runs Street Fighter, they
get around in school busses, Shao Kahn, Shang Tsung and Bison are a team,
Chunners is six feet tall, Dan is gay, Cammy's a psycho lesbian, Bison
is obsessed with stealing shoes, Chun Li is willing to go out of her way
to get them back and Lara Croft is hanging around.
Tsuneo: You're right. Common sense is over rated.

>They
>uncovered it to reveal a small gold heart, encrusted with jewels of
>all sorts.**

Tsuneo: How... Home Shopping Network.
Sandra: This limited edition gold-plated heart can be yours for only
$29.95 plus postage and handling. Hurry! Only three million of these
are available for a limited time only, so act now! Plus, if you order
with in the next thirty minutes, we'll throw in the Hand of Vecna
absolutely free!

>Lara: Ah ha!! (picks the artifact up) The heart of Thailand!! The
>ancients used it to bring the monsoons. Well, it's mine now, in case
>I may need torrential rains for some reason or another. (tosses the
>heart in her backpack)

Tsuneo: It could be just the way to break the ice at parties.
Sandra: Or, if all else fails, she can just hawk it on E-Bay.
Rebecca: Dan, you should get one of those. You could use it to
clean your room with.

>Well, I guess our adventure is over.

>Cammy: It's been great meeting you, Lara.

Rebecca [Lara]: No, twisted Cammy-clone, I don't and I won't.
Dan: DAMN! I was hoping for something good in this fic.

>Lara: And it's been a pleasure on my part as well. I've never had
>many friends before.

Sandra: No need to start now.

>Be sure to keep in touch.

Tsuneo: They never heard from her again.

>**Everyone exchanged phone numbers

Dan [Reading]: 1-900-HOTGOATACTION?

>and Lara and the fighters went
>their separate ways. Jade decided to stay in Thailand for a while.

Tsuneo: I think we can all figure out why.
Rebecca: Thailand, where the girls are cheap and the social diseases
free of charge.

>When nobody was looking, Sonya took one of Cammy's guns and killed
>her.

Tsuneo: Remember folks, these are the good guys.
Sandra: They prefer to be known as "Morally Ambiguous People".

>When they arrived at the airport, most of the other fighters
>from the tournament were there.**

>Chun-Li: Hey, Ryu!!

Tsuneo: [Ryu] Remind me, are we meant to be a couple or not?

>Ryu: Oh, Hi, Chun-Li!! Where have you been?

>Chun-Li: I had some business to take care of. Is the tournament over?

Sandra: Did it ever really begin?

>Ryu: Yeah, the last few days were great!!

>Chun-Li: I'm guessing by the fact that everyone is still standing
>that you guys won?

Rebecca: Actually, they lost. In a few minutes, the whole world is going
to be sucked into the outworld. So, sit back, relax, and have a few
laughs before the hordes of demons come to rend the flesh from your bones
and steal your soles.
Dan [Ryu]: Of course, this wouldn't have happened if most of our team
hadn't gone off chasing some stupid shoes.

>Ryu: We sure did!!

>Ken: (comes up behind Ryu and puts a hand on his shoulder) Actually,
>Ryu won!!

All: What a surprise.

>Chun-Li: What a surprise.

All: ...

>Cammy: You only won because I wasn't there to kick your ass.

Tsuneo: Cammy, quit it with the delusions of adequacy.
Sandra [Cammy]: All I want is a tiny amount of respect. And Juli
and Juni's heads on a platter. Is that too much to ask for?

>Ryu: There's always more Street Fighter tournaments.

Tsuneo: So get ready for Super Deluxe Street Fighter Three Alpha
Fourth Impact Double Deluxe with Cheese.

>Chun-Li: After this, I think we've had enough of the warrior life
>for a while.

Sandra: Try something less stressful and dangerous, like bomb disposal.

>**Since it was hard for everyone to say goodbye, they moved to New
>York City, USA. Chun-Li, Sonya, and Jax had already lived there,
>so Johnny bought a penthouse apartment for him and Sonya to share.
>Kitana moved there, where Chun-Li got her a job at Interpol. Cammy
>transferred to work on Outworld investigation in the US Special
>Forces with Sonya and Jax. Lara returned to her London mansion and
>sent Christmas and birthday cards to all the fighters during the
>year. Jade was never heard from again, to the pleasure of Sonya,
>Cammy, and Chun-Li.**

Rebecca: The next year, in 200X, invitation arrive inviting all back
to the Mortal Kombat tournament, sign simply 'R.'
Tsuneo: And thanks to Capcom, Eidos and Midway All Staff.

[Sandra calmly pulls out a pistol and puts a bullet through the TV]

Dan: Why'd you do that?
Sandra [Startled]: Oh! Sorry, about that, I wasn't thinking. I won't
do it again.
Tsuneo: Don't worry about it, Sandra. Guest stars are entitled to
guilt-free destruction of the TV.
Sandra: After that fic, I wouldn't feel guilty.
Voice: Well, uh, thanks for that. Can I have your reviews?
Dan: Go for it, Sandra. Guests go first.
Sandra: Gee, thanks a frelling heap.
Dan: No probs!
Sandra: Tool. Aaaanyway, I'd just like to say that this fic was the
biggest pile of vacuous snotty donkey's bottoms I have ever come across.
With crap characterisation, crap writing, crap dialogue, crap editing and
crap story, it adds up to one big pile of deep brown carpet that shouldn't
be read by anyone.
Dan: Look, crossovers are generally a dumb idea to start with, but this
one takes the cake. Mortal Kombat is pretty much as far removed from any
of the more conventional 'tournament' games you could think of. Added to
that, there wasn't any continuity with each individual game, so all you
get is a big mess of random characters doing nothing.
Tsuneo: The characterisations really, really got to me. I couldn't see
a single thing resembling the original characters in most of the fic's
leads. Even the secondary characters were mostly OOC, with only the
scenery such as Ryu being anywhere near their proper characterisations.
It's as if the authour wrote the fic then pasted the names on later.
Rebecca: In this fic, we made two Rugal jokes, seven Geese Howard jokes,
three Mai jokes, three Bennimaru jokes, five general SNK jokes and even
mentioned Ryo and Robert, albeit in unflattering terms. For characters
who weren't in the fic, the King of Fighters guys got a lot of airtime.
Make of this what you will.
Voice: Well thanks for all that guys.
Sandra: No problem. Next time I need a mental colonic irrigation, I know
just where to go. [She stands]
Dan: I like her.
Tsuneo: She's got a lot of appeal.

[The others stand]

Rebecca: Well, thanks for that, Sandra. We'll have to do a performance
evaluation, but I think you're a pretty good shoe-in for the job.
Sandra: Thanks, Rebecca, but, no offence, I think I'll pass on it. My
life is tooled up enough as it is without being force-fed text-based
carpet for a living.
Dan: Can I take that to mean "no"?
Tsuneo: I think that's what she said.
Rebecca: Well, care to join in the performance review anyway?
Sandra: Huh? I thought I said I wasn't interested.
Dan: By "Performance review" She means "Go down to the pub and get
tanked."
Sandra: I'll buy that.

[They leave. The screen goes blank]

Voice: Where do they get these people?

*****

One hundred and thirty three years later, high above the earth...

Sandra Blackmore sipped her tea, while reading the newspaper. Well, the
sports and comics sections. Being stranded up here in orbit meant that
she wasn't in any position to run the world, which meant that she was
avoiding anything that resembled work. Right now, she was checking
Baseball results. The cubs had lost. What a surprise.

"Hey Sandra," Came a voice from behind her. It was Kara, the youngest
and often most annoying member of the Satellite of Rednecks Zoo Crew.
Kara was a nice enough girl, but she was also rather short tempered and,
when on enough sugar, irritatingly perky. "I gotta ask you something."

"Third on the right. After six months, I thought you'd know where it was
by now." Sandra answered, not looking up from her newspaper.

"Ha ha." Kara replied. "Naw, this is something that's been bothering me
for a while." She tried to look Sandra in the eyes, which was hard given
that not only did Sandra have only one eye, but she was looking away.
"You seem to know what's going on here. You act like you know all about
these 'Mystery Science Theatre' experiments. Heck, you act like you've
done all this before."

"And?" Sandra asked.

"Well, have you?" Kara continued.

Sandra turned around and looked at her. "I can't say. It's a matter of
planetary security. And I've got a reputation of being strangely
omnipotent and enigmatic to maintain." She smiled. "Now how's the
invention coming along? The Voice is going to call us in a minute."

"The who?" Kara replied, confused. Well, more so than usual.

"Never mind" Sandra replied. "Someone I knew a long time ago."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) & Zogster
(jinas@elmerstudios.com)

Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1995-2002 Max Fauth (Zogster)
Rebecca Bartley and Sandra Blackmore are copyright 1995-2002 Alex Fauth
(Rick
R. Mortis).

Elmer Studios!:
	http://www.elmerstudios.com
	All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random
	DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one
	spot.

Rick's Cruel Mockery of HTML:
	http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm
	Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova
	Satori shrine, Osama Bin Laden's Camel, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp,
	all in one big steaming pile.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>This is kind of sweet, on a disturbing sort of level.